wiping your butt

[DontTreadgoShred]

yeah, It would be very hard to clean a dirty toilet stall with dignity. If it were my duty, I would for sure half ass it, maybe even third ass it.

[saucy ragu]

For the standers, do you stand straight up, or is it more of a "peek-a-boo" between the legs stance? I imagine your double-processed animal style bacon burger would spread like secret sauce if you allowed your cheeks to slap together for even a moment, and it scares me.

[DontTreadgoShred]

Quite frankly Ragu, I don't even know how to respond to what you just said. My best answer would be standing straight up, but I'm having trouble understanding the other position you described. It sounds like your describing a bad experience at In n out burger.

Papa smurf can I wipe your ass? yeah wipe my ass bitch

[finknoos]

Okay im a stander and imma set this straight for you guys.

When im done i lean forward like im bowing before the queen, making sure to keep my cheeks seperated. Then i reach arround the back of myself (not through the legs) and wipe from behind. Ive always done it this way, only found out last year that there are other methods.

And as far as small cubicles, i actually prefer them as i wipe with my right hand and put my left hand on the wall/door for added balance.

[shouldn't]

so what if in the midst of you bending over backwards for a toilet, you leak out some mudd-butt onto your nice jeans? how would that affect your day? you would have to find a whole new dump style my friend.

[Russel Crowe]

some dudes wipe sitting down. I couldn't believe it

[Dontfearthereefer]

Okay im a stander and imma set this straight for you guys.

When im done i lean forward like im bowing before the queen, making sure to keep my cheeks seperated. Then i reach arround the back of myself (not through the legs) and wipe from behind. Ive always done it this way, only found out last year that there are other methods.

And as far as small cubicles, i actually prefer them as i wipe with my right hand and put my left hand on the wall/door for added balance.

 

This has been my wiping method since my mom stopped doing it for me

[finknoos]

so what if in the midst of you bending over backwards for a toilet, you leak out some mudd-butt onto your nice jeans? how would that affect your day? you would have to find a whole new dump style my friend.

firstly i have superb control over my sphincter, and when i wipe im still standing over the bowl so if that scenario were to present itself, the excess feces would fall straight into the loo

[Dontfearthereefer]

so what if in the midst of you bending over backwards for a toilet, you leak out some mudd-butt onto your nice jeans? how would that affect your day? you would have to find a whole new dump style my friend.

this isnt really feaslable, unless you got some serious uncontrollable old yeller fuckin mount st helens guiser liquid squirtle shits or something

[ice nine]

Day 2 of the strangest hangover I've had. Took a painful shit this morning at work, had to wipe at least 10-15 times. Four seperate times I got shit on my hand.what the fuck? It was like I poo'd out the side of my ass. The middle of the paper was clean and the right side runneth over with messy shit. why

[Josh McLaughlin]

im about to take a shit. going to see what this whole "wiping while sitting down" thing is about. to me, it just seems wierd.

[HATE!]

I've learned that there is such a thing as "too much sriracha."

[Dontfearthereefer]

my work has some seriously shitty toilet paper, pun intended. on the real though its like orphanage grade recycled readers digests made into some sandpaper/cheesegrater paper and my asshole is super chapped, hurts to walk anywhere

[ROCKxADIO420]

i like to use my cats face its softer than most toilet papers and cheaper too

[via]

People stand up to wipe?? ? ?? ??

[Mole]

People stand up to wipe?? ? ?? ??

[Dontfearthereefer]

today i took a poop in the shape of a smiley face

[TonyBologna]

Went on a hike yesterday. As soon as I started I felt a little rumble in my stomach, didn't think anything of it, and figured it'd just go away. I was wrong. The rumble, and subsequent turtle headding only got worse. At about mile 4 on my hike it was game time. I was either going to shit my pants or shit in the woods. Now this hike had a lot of switchbacks, and not a whole lot of areas for a nice secluded dump. Luckily for me, off the end of one of the switch backs was an old landslide/boulder field. So I cut through the bushes off the end of the trail, across the rocks until I got down to a few big boulders I could duck behind. And just in time too. As soon as I got my shorts down, I splattered what was left of the prior night's tater tots all over the rocks below me. It smelled something awful. Now normally in this situation, you could just sacrifice a sock, but since I had quite a walk ahead of me still, that wasn't an option. So standing there with my shorts still down around my knees, dick swingin in the breeze, I grab my pocket knife, pull my shirt off, and cut the sleeves off. Those sleeves really saved my ass. I cleaned myself up, scurried back across the rock field to the trail, and immediately bumped into a couple I had seen about an hour earlier. I wonder if they wondered where my sleeves went?

...damn. Respect.

For real. Your ingenuity inspires me.

[TonyBologna]

I gasped, and in the heat of the moment I picked up the turd bare handed and threw it in the trashcan.

You bare handed a brown trout?!? Hell dude, you are a champion.

[dirtyweemidden]

standing up to wipe? that's fucked! I sit down and lean forward

You gotta be sittin down to wipe dudes, 3 squares of bog roll folded over twice as to not risk the poopy fingernail factor if the clart on yer arse is more water based than expected.

You take your neat little rectangle of and wipe front to back.. balls to crack if you will...

first sheet is garunteed to be covered in shit, but feel free to have a glance as we all like to know what color last nights meal comes out like.

reapeat this process 2 or 3 times if your third glance is still an eyefull of brown you gots to lay of the bran muffins son!


dont even think about messing with wet wipes to clean your back passage that shit is fucked! its such a horrid sensation knowing you are turd smear free and still feeling clammy/wet between the cheeks is a total headfuck!

[David]

Ehgh, I dunno about you kids but for me it's a disaster every time. I'm talking about easily over 7 wipes every outing. When that's over it's wet wipes, and yes the sensation is gross, but it's mandatory. Then some more dry-leaf to finish off. When there arent any WetOnes, then it's straight to the shower, no messing around. I'm still braving up to the whole bidet thing, not quite sure how that should work. Still figuring it out.

And OF COURSE you wipe sitting down...you maniacs.

[Spike Hawke]

Personally after I've dropped one off, I switch stance that seat up. Face the cistern, hang my butt over the outside edge of the seat and holla one of my bitches to get the job done.

Anyway, you gotta do the wiping sitting down, although I do have a buddy who tells me all anout her poop steeze and she swears by standing up, "gets more leverage", apparently. But she has had a issue with flecks on the floor.

[Josh McLaughlin]

not only has slap changed my views on many aspects of skateboarding, but it has also changed my views on wiping my butt. i have conformed to a sit down wiper now. why stand when you can sit?

[Seamus_McShamebag]

This is more of a "in case of emergency break glass" kind of thing but I figured I would share in the event that it helps anyone.  If you have a real fucking mess to take care of, the shower is your best option.  I call it the American Bidet.  It's all about efficiency, just train yourself to shit before your shower then you can double down on the hygiene by warming up with some paper and then scrubbing down in the shower.  On to the emergency scenario..

So I travel every now and again for work and in this case I was in Las Vegas for a tradeshow.  It had been a typical week of early morning skate sessions, random restaurant/catering food and the occasional beer or three.  So it's toward the end of the week and I am feeling fine but apparently Cthulu was just waiting in the darkness.  So I head out for dinner and decide to call it an early night since I had a bunch of stuff to do the next day.  I am heading back to the hotel with a group of people from work and it's early, even by non-Vegas standards.  So we walk in the hotel and are walking through the casino and are getting close to the bar and elevators.  I felt fine and felt a little air biscuit stewing and decided to let it creep out while we are walking so as to harmlessly crop dust all the old timers dying in front of the slot machines.  Not in the cards.  This was the sneakiest ninja motherfucker shart I have ever had in my life.  I went from absolutely zero gastrointestinal distress to completely shitting my pants in an instant.  Timing was perfect though as we had just hit the bar/elevator cross road.  The question was raised, "Anybody want to grab a beer?" and I ducked out with a quick "I'm good, catch ya'll tomorrow" and rush towards an open elevator like the only reason I was rushing was because the door was about to close.  I  breathe a sigh of relief as I watch the doors close and nobody else had hopped in.  They would have been in for a treat.

I got to my room stripped down and realized that this was a wrong that 2-ply wasn't going to right. After a quick shower I  was faced with the reality of the shitty underwear staring back at me from the bathroom floor.  I sure as hell wasn't going to let those things marinate in my room, windows don't open, so I ran out and dumped them in the nearest trash can which happened to be in front of the elevators.  The beauty was that everyone on my floor got to end their night walking off the elevator into a cloud of my shit stink and the same deal for the morning crowd. 

I couldn't look at the trash can without laughing my ass off and took the picture below for posterity.  Shine on you crazy sphincter... 


Long story short, there is something to be said for showers being right next to toilets.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

People stand up to wipe?? ? ?? ??

HILARIOUS 

[The Poster Formerly Known As Crass]

What toilet paper do you guys use?  After testing many brand, Charmin reigns supreme. Its the perfect balance of everything.

Also I'm gonna start using a two step ladder as a stool to squat while I shit. I saw some video on reddit about this. I guess its the natural way for us to shit and I guess I would wipe less too.

[Josh McLaughlin]

What toilet paper do you guys use??  After testing many brand, Charmin reigns supreme. Its the perfect balance of everything.

Also I'm gonna start using a two step ladder as a stool to squat while I shit. I saw some video on reddit about this. I guess its the natural way for us to shit and I guess I would wipe less too.

pics or gtfo.
but seriously. thats funny shit.

[cletus the slack jawed yokel]

if i don't have a weasel next to me i wipe my ass with my hand is that bad?

[pica]

i stand up as well. had a conversation with my brother about this, he's a sitter. i expected familial clustering.