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Author Topic: wiping your butt  (Read 34140 times)
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longballlarry
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« on: June 04, 2008, 11:43:08 PM »

do you look at the paper after you wipe?

don't you?

hey slap. what's the deal?

i used to do this when i first learned how to wipe. but then like several years later, i figured that there was no point in doing it anymore. a while ago this guy i know was talking about how he had to take a shit in a dark bathroom with no light on and how it was impossible for him because he couldn't look at the paper after he wiped. what do you need to look at the paper for? it's going to be shit every time.

how many of you look at the paper after wiping?
also, do you guys fold the paper when you wipe?
i just kind of roll it into a ball and wipe it like that.
also i read that some of you wipe standing up.
i personally wipe sitting down because that way my butt cheeks are spread out wider and there is easier access.


how do you guys wipe your butts?
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kilgore.
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« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2008, 11:53:18 PM »

alright mate. you always look at the paper, just to see what the fuck your shitting out of your hole. what if it was a bug or a quarter. you'd be a wiser and richer person, fact. you always get naked from belly button to toe. always. well, actually socks are okay depending on your situation. this way while you're taking a shit you can spread it out very eagle like. everytime you feel like somethings gonna fall out of your ass you imagine mike mo doing a tre flip, and you reenact it. BAM. tre shit. BAM. three shitxy tre flip. unless you're an eco friendly fairy from portland, dont even worry about rationing your paper. abuse it like Bob dylan has been abusing his legacy since the 80s. don't look back or think twice, it's alright. and you always stand up to wipe, it's just good ethic quality. the precision by doing this is undeniable if you take my advice here: left hand grabs left butt cheek. left hand then pulls outwards to the left, exposing the asshole much more than if you were sitting on some pussy ass toilet. right hand gets real fierce and cleans the doo off your doo. thus making a positively undeniable sheet of doodoo and a clean ass that is still intact. now if you are on mescaline during this process. do everything i've said in this paragraph backwards. and it will blow your fucking mind.
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brooklyn brawler
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« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2008, 12:09:44 AM »

Jesus. I'd have never answered that well.


I just kinda pat the asshole like a little kitten's nose.
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damian
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« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2008, 12:12:51 AM »

of course you look, you need to inspect your work. would you want your repair man to not inspect his work, and just tell you to take his word for it? can you truly be trusted, larry? relax your glutes, in order to not squeeze off a shit too early, a catalyst for a struggling wipe. precision wiping, like the bull technique of the zulu tribes (please do not just thrust that paper through your ass, discomforting said ass, what is the rush?). a shit is a time for reflection, and regrouping.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2008, 12:15:22 AM by damian. dojsha rock rolln up yo block, killn clit like spock » Logged
bentmode
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« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2008, 12:15:21 AM »

wipe from back to front 2 squares at a time. check when it feels right.
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mikefork
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« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2008, 02:51:48 AM »

back to front?
that's just asking to get it all over your nuts afterwards
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Broken Dreams
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« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2008, 03:00:53 AM »

 you look at the paper to see if you need to wipe more, if the shit is kind of faded, then just wipe once more and your good to go.

 i dont wipe while sitting down because i want to get away from my shit after im done.
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bbk
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« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2008, 03:08:55 AM »

standing up to wipe? that's fucked! I sit down and lean forward

I check every once in awhile, like the first one to see what's goin on, then a few paper later to see the progressionand when it feels done I check every paper 'til it's all gone to make sure there's nothing left

Rolling the paper into a ball sounds wierd too, and actually wiping? wouldn't the poo just get spread out and what not? like mike said, you'd get it on your balls and stuff? I just press gently...
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« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2008, 03:10:43 AM »

I just press gently...

 fuck.
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Mackattack
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« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2008, 03:38:58 AM »

Ive always wondered how blind people know when they are done wiping?
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Mackattack
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« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2008, 03:42:20 AM »

maybe a family member or close friend follows them in there to spot them?

or the seeing eye dog does the honor?

they say dogs mouths are clean
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kevbo999
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« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2008, 04:28:30 AM »

you look at the paper to see if you need to wipe more, if the shit is kind of faded, then just wipe once more and your good to go.

But it fucking blows my mind people wipe standing up.  Don't you have any ass hair?  Why would you stand up and squeeze your shitty cheeks together?  That's asking for willnots, or theygos, or whatever else you may refer to that shit as.  You get maximum exposure sitting down.
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« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2008, 04:50:57 AM »

the second i clicked into this thread, I had to take a shit
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« Reply #13 on: June 05, 2008, 04:57:30 AM »

you look at the paper to see if you need to wipe more, if the shit is kind of faded, then just wipe once more and your good to go.

But it fucking blows my mind people wipe standing up.  Don't you have any ass hair?  Why would you stand up and squeeze your shitty cheeks together?  That's asking for willnots, or theygos, or whatever else you may refer to that shit as.  You get maximum exposure sitting down.

 you don't really stand up straight, you just get your ass away from the shit you just took to give your hand some room to wipe. you don't squish together your ass cheeks at all.
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ahlee
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« Reply #14 on: June 05, 2008, 05:06:28 AM »

i gave up shitting, i just fart them out.
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« Reply #15 on: June 05, 2008, 05:11:33 AM »


how many of you look at the paper after wiping?

*raises hand* so i know what the fuck is coming out of my body. I've had everything from lagoon green to 100% blood red stained paper. There's no point in not looking.

also, do you guys fold the paper when you wipe?

yes, and wipe again with it folded to get the rest. when there is no more visible shit on the paper. I'm done.

also i read that some of you wipe standing up.

I didn't post that, but that's a definite must for me. all bent over with my back arched and shit. very undignified.

and kev, just spread em apart man.




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longballlarry
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« Reply #16 on: June 05, 2008, 05:27:39 AM »

holy shit. i never knew it was a general consensus that everyone looks at the paper after they wipe. i kind of just know when i'm done by the way the toilet paper feels on my butt. if it feels dry than i just get up and go. i mean i usually just look in the bowl when i'm done. that way i know what i just did. maybe i should start looking at the paper like the rest of you guys? i will always wipe sitting down though. its just more comfortable for me that way and i'm already used to it. what if i stand up and the back of my shirt gets all on my shitty butt. then what? unless of course i get fully undressed. but that just seems like too much of a hassle. how many wipes do you guys take? for me it's about 3 on average. on those really sticky days i can use 4 or 5 though.
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« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2008, 05:33:10 AM »

Standing up, one foot up on the seat if I need to get serious.  Angry

How the hell do you not look? You need to know what you're dealing with. If I'm in a public restroom and it's really bad I'll do a preliminary wipe, go out and get a few wet paper towels, then come back and bat clean up. Then freshen up with one more round of dry toilet paper.

But 99% of the time I shit right after my morning coffee and then take a shower. Sudsy shampoo does wonders in the old crack.
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« Reply #18 on: June 05, 2008, 05:37:17 AM »

Sudsy shampoo does wonders in the old crack.

more like, stings it into oblivion.
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beeda weeda
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« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2008, 05:49:26 AM »

wipe from back to front 2 squares at a time. check when it feels right.

back to front is just asking for trouble, you'll end up with shit in yoru chode and nut hair, andtwo quares? I need a little more hand protection than that.
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Cthulhu!
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« Reply #20 on: June 05, 2008, 06:04:38 AM »

how many wipes do you guys take? for me it's about 3 on average.
You don't look and wipe only 3 times?! Thats so crazy, there has to be shit left. I wipe countless times. Wiping standing up thats a new one. That concept is alien to me, I just sit down. I don't remove clothing either. I just get two squares and fold them over. Everyone I know does it like this. This is so weird to me. Good thread through, I would have never known.
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longballlarry
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« Reply #21 on: June 05, 2008, 06:10:01 AM »

2 squares? what? i wouldn't even blow my nose with two squares.
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« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2008, 06:26:51 AM »

Sudsy shampoo does wonders in the old crack.
more like, stings it into oblivion.
Seriously? It's my daily routine and I've never felt the sting. Do you have open soars back there or something?
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Garfield
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« Reply #23 on: June 05, 2008, 07:10:37 AM »

Show me Jon's tie wardrobe, and I'll show you my collection of flamboyant toilet paper.   
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Choad Muskrat
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« Reply #24 on: June 05, 2008, 07:16:00 AM »

You gotta look, how are you gonna know your status. The less shittier the paper, the cleaner your ass. I only stop wiping when theres no shit left, so sometimes I'll go through mad TP, if I have to flush twice, 3 times to avoid clogage so be it.

Also, I don't understand you sitting down wipers, do you just lean on one butt cheek and wipe your ass like you would change a tire with a car jack?
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« Reply #25 on: June 05, 2008, 07:19:47 AM »

does anybody else frequently think theyre done wiping only to shit once more?
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Choad Muskrat
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« Reply #26 on: June 05, 2008, 07:33:29 AM »

Thats the worst. It usually happens when the log breaks off halfway. Then you think your done, but the wiping only irritated that second piece of turd and now it wants out! But you already pulled your pants up. Decisions, Decisions.
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Bipsmound
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« Reply #27 on: June 05, 2008, 07:57:34 AM »

Good thread. 

I don't know if it's true, but I heard in some middle eastern cultures, they'll only wipe with the hand that they don't use for shaking hands.  In one way that seems incredibly civilized, but on the other hand, washing your hands is just as legit.

Also, I hate that toilet paper commercial where the bear goes to hike the ball to papa quarterback and he's got the mad TP dingleberries and the dad is like DAMMMMNNN!  Get you on the charmin program, holmes.
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longballlarry
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« Reply #28 on: June 05, 2008, 08:05:09 AM »

imagine having to wipe your butt with your left hand (or right hand for some of you). that seems like it would be incredibly difficult.

i can't wait till my next shit.
i think i'm going to take off all my clothes, stand up, spread my butt cheeks, wipe with my left hand, and look at the paper before i flush.
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« Reply #29 on: June 05, 2008, 08:07:56 AM »

You should probably light a couple candles for mood too.
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