jokes

[pica]

whats the difference between a pizza and a prostitute?







you can remove the fungus that's on the pizza.

[A.J.K.]

What did the cannibal do before he dumped his girlfriend?







ate her.

[formeitscrazylike]

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of geeky, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not geeks, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the geeks are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the geekiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought geeks were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

[RockForLight]

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of geeky, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not geeks, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the geeks are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the geekiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought geeks were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Was your joke written by this guy by chance?

[Merked]

How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

[formeitscrazylike]

A teacher in South-Central LA is teaching her Kindergarten class about farm animals. She asks, "what sound does a sheep make?" One student replied "bahhh, baahhhh." Then the teacher asks: "What sound does a cow make?" and a student replies "Moooo." Finally she asks, "and what sound does a pig make?" And one of the students replies "FREEZE NIGGER!"

[_UniversalTruth_]

In an airplane. The captain announces: "ladies and gentelemen this is flight 2.4-7.03 from Singapur to Sierra Nevada, please fasten your seatbelts, .." etc. As he finishes, he leans back, puts everyting on autopilot and without turning off the microphone, he tells his co-pilot: "Aah, now all I need is a beer and a blow job". One of the steardesses hears it and immediately rushes through the corridor to tell him to switch off the mic. A passenger: "Hey, you forgot the beer!"

[Gnarfunkell]

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

[friendly dave]

Not cool man.

[formeitscrazylike]

A penguin is driving down Rt. 66 and all of a sudden, smoke is pouring out from under the hood. He's in the middle of nowhere, but luckily, there's a mechanic/rest stop/gas station/convenience store type deal RIGHT THERE, so he gets lucky. So he pulls in to the garage, the mechanic tells him to come back in ten minutes after he's had a chance to look at it. So the penguin goes into the store to get a snack.

Now, penguins are obviously used to the cold, and here he is in the middle of the desert pretty much, so he decides to get an ice cream, and everyone knows that penguins' favorite ice cream is vanilla. So he's eating this vanilla ice cream, and you know, penguins don't have thumbs, let alone hands. Nor do they have long tongues or lips. So he's eating this ice cream cone, and he's getting it all over his chest, face, you name it. Most of it never even makes it into his beak, but he's hot and he loves ice cream, so he's stoked.

It's been ten minutes at this point, so he waddles back into the mechanic's garage. The mechanic is under the hood and sees the penguins feet as he walks in and the mechanic's pointing at a spot in his engine and says, "Welp, looks like ya blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "Oh, no, it's just ice cream."

[Joust Ostrich]

Here's the short 80's version.

Eskimo goes to the snowmobile mechanic.   
Looks like you blew a seal. 
No, that's just frost on my mustache.

[MOE SYZLAK]

Why dosen't George W Bush have a nipple ring?












because he already has a Dick Cheney

[The Human Condom]

Saw this one in a Cracked article today:

Q: How do you tell if your roommate is gay?
A: His cock tastes like shit.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-4-greatest-things-in-comedy-everyone-misunderstands/#ixzz2SSunfewF

[MOE SYZLAK]

i remember reading this one in a joke book when i was a kid.

what do you call a gay guy in a wheel chair?

rollaids

[formeitscrazylike]

101 Great Jokes? I had that one, buncha classics in there. The asian man who is in charge of supplies was in that one. And I definitely remember that one in there.

What do you call two poofs in a sleeping bag?

Fruit roll-up

[Jumping Beans]

So I made some pork schnitzel for supper, it was delicious.  It's just a pain in the ass to make, you know.  First you have to beat the meat.. then you have to go to the store and buy some pork chops...

[Jackburton]

Peter Fitz?  Who's Peter Fitz?








Everybody's Peter Fitz if you push hard enough.

[gutterhead.]

Came up with this one on the spot while trying to decide on what to eat with my lady.

Do you like Japanese?












When I'm takin' off ja pannies?

[Beer Keg Peg Leg]

what do they give tickle-me-elmo before he leaves the factory?

two test tickles.

[twitchflip]

why do tampons have strings?





so the crabs can go bungee jumping

[brycickle]

The investigator found the cause of the fire to be arson by friction.

The mortgage was rubbing up against the insurance policy.


That's my nerdy fire fighter joke.