Awkward Sexual Experiences

[sexualhelon]

Got drunk with this girl I've been seeing. Start boning and it's cool and she asks me to choke her. This is new to me but I went with it just pressing my hand on her throat. Wasn't doing much for me and it was hard to balance so after a minute I put my hand back on the bed. Then she starts thrashing around and pushing me away so I stop but she tells me to keep going. Now I feel like I'm wrangling a crocodile and realize I'm play-raping this girl. It was messing with my focus but I was too drunk to be fully weirded out. She must have tired herself out because after a while it went back to non-rapey sex. She was really stoked on it the next day. I woke up feeling really fucking weird because now I know what it looks like to rape someone... Not into it.

Remedy to this situation: You stick it in her butt and as soon as you finish run away. Just jolt out the door. If she get's pissed just tell her you were trying to make her fantasy more realistic. Win/win situation.

[Tale Crab]

Don't forget to grab her money on the way out.

[GISM]

..

[Clayton]

I worked for a woman who owns her own jewelry company until she moved. She was in her mid fourties, had a couple kids, an ex husband, dating some turkish dude, kind of crazy, and a full blown milf. This woman kept no secrets and would tell me everything that went on in her personal life. It was pretty normal for it to be just me and her while we worked alone in her house, but one day she started telling me she was breaking up with her Turkish boyfriend who was in Turkey at the time. I didn't really think anything of it. The same day she started playing music on her computer which she probably only had a couple times prior. Mostly shitty soft rock that old people seem to like. One of the songs she played was "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye. I thought nothing of it until the next day she did the exact same thing with the same song. Pretty sure that was her way of telling me she wanted to fuck, but my secondhand embarrassment from the fact that her "game" was to play suggestive songs next to me while she went about her daily routine, her ex-husband went crazy on her and pulled a gun, her boyfriend used to tell me crazy Turkish military stories of him and his friend "Psycho," and the fact that my job would be at serious jeopardy if I whipped it out after reading her wrong prevented me from doing anything other than sit at my computer thinking to myself, "this bitch want me to do something?!"

She's two states away but boning this woman 20 years my senior is currently on my bucket list of things to do before I die.

Sorry this stories actually pretty weak now that I wrote it out. Fuck it. Post.

[The Poster Formerly Known As Crass]

Should have went for her.

[smokecrack]

..

i read your original post before you removed it.

i ain't dumb.

i caught chu!

[Kristi Yamaguchi]

wait, you fucked her while sitting in a wheelchair?

yeah man


problem?

AHHAHAHHAHA SWAG

[steve]

Got drunk with this girl I've been seeing. Start boning and it's cool and she asks me to choke her. This is new to me but I went with it just pressing my hand on her throat. Wasn't doing much for me and it was hard to balance so after a minute I put my hand back on the bed. Then she starts thrashing around and pushing me away so I stop but she tells me to keep going. Now I feel like I'm wrangling a crocodile and realize I'm play-raping this girl. It was messing with my focus but I was too drunk to be fully weirded out. She must have tired herself out because after a while it went back to non-rapey sex. She was really stoked on it the next day. I woke up feeling really fucking weird because now I know what it looks like to rape someone... Not into it.

some choking is usually a good fucking time, man!

the last time i choked a girl she told me to stop saying "i'm not into that" and proceeded to let me face fuck her shortly there after....

one night an ex and i gobbled some percs and had drinks. we were fucked up beyond belief. we had actually gone to dinner with my parents earlier in the evening. anyways, seeing as we were ravaged we ended up having really good sex. i was going on and on calling her a "dirty little whore" and "fucking slut" when she asked me hit her. mind you, i was hitting the poon from behind with a hand pulling back her head. So, i gave a weak slap to the cheek. she started fucking me harder, i mean considerably harder. she yells for me to smack her again; which i did. anyways, to make a long story short, we passed out after a few hours of violent fucking.

the next morning her mom asked if she was wasted and fell down the stairs. she had a brutal shiner... giving a girlfriend a voluntary black eye is awkward.

[Mad Max]

+1 for sexualhelon.

damn that was a story.

GISM, you need to man up and learn how to properly choke a bitch.

There's a funny sketch by a female comedian about guy's choking her during sex, but I can't remember her name. Damn...

[sexualhelon]

+1 for sexualhelon.

damn that was a story.

GISM, you need to man up and learn how to properly choke a bitch.

There's a funny sketch by a female comedian about guy's choking her during sex, but I can't remember her name. Damn...

tis whitney cummings
http://comedians.jokes.com/whitney-cummings/videos/whitney-cummings---copying-porn-moves/

[Reev]

Pretty apt name for someone copying porn moves.

[Greg Ostertag]

Pretty apt name for someone who's mouth I wouldn't mind fucking.

[sexualhelon]

After I watched this I went out and bought a shark fin hat then downloaded the main theme from Jaws. Next time I bring a girl back to my place for sexy time I'm going to say I have to pee first, go into the bathroom and replace all my clothes with nothing but a shark fin hat, then hit play for the jaws theme and dim the lights as I emerge. I feel like I should buy a water bed for this.

[coma]

hahahahaha  whaaat???

[alrightythen]

..

i read your original post before you removed it.

i ain't dumb.

i caught chu!

Could you please sum it up for the rest of us. NO SECRETS HERE GISM!!!!

[Grubby Mits]

I'll break this up because it's pretty long...

So this weekend i've been at NASS estival, which is like action sports in the day and then mainly drum and bass/dubstep in the night. Anyway, i get there on friday and smoke a few doobs, drink some booze and do some MDMA for the first time and then hit up the d&b arena. The MDMA hits me as i get in so i started dancing like it was going out of style and was grinding girls despite my pilly willy. Half way through flux pavillion's set i turn round to see my friend grinding some pretty filthy chick so i gave him 'that' look and started grinding the girls indian friend. After a while he ducks out, but because i was still buzzing i didnt want to stop dancing so i danced with the indian chick even more. Well, when i say dance, it was more like having sex with my trousers on, as she was literally banging my dick from every angle. This got a little awkward when my phone started to ring on vibrate (it was in my pants) and wouldn't stop for what felt like forever, making me look like my penis was having an epileptic fit on this bitch.

After getting off for  while, i give her the sign language for, 'it's hot, lets get out of here' (my clothes are actually still wet with sweat 2 days later), and we proceeded back to her tent where i was informed her gay friend Luke was staying, which i had no problem with. Anyway, we get in and i see a pretty hot looking girl in the dark corner, only for her to answer to Luke a moment later. At this point i realised i was probabaly more fucked than i first thought. I get naked and she starts teasing me saying she'd love to go on top because she's never tried it, but then her bitch cunt friend comes in and kicks us out, so i take her back to my tent.

Instantly she changes from the dick grinding freak into being all nervous, saying, 'I'm no good at sex you should go find someone else...'. Oh yeah, and not at one point in the night was i allowed to touch her vagina with anything but my penis. Seriously. Anyway after listening to her going on about being a bad muslim we get at it, but after a minute she started going, 'IT'S BURNING STOP! IT'S BURNING!', much to my dismay. She then told me a long story about how her doctor told her it burns because nothing has ever been there before, to which i tell her it might help if i could finger her or eat her out, but no no thats horrible, so i tried to fuck her in every position possible, doggy, wheelbarrow etc but every single one made her cunt go up in flames. I eventually convinced her to give me a handjob to finish (no head), during which she felt the need to tell me a story she read about a young boy being kidnapped, raped and murdered. This gave me issues with the old boner, so i had to do it myself whilst holding her tits, like a 12 yea old. She said i couldn't cum on her so i had to turn and cum all over my sleeping mat, which was not what i had in mind when i brought her back, so i kicked her out and she said she wanted to slap me or something along those general lines. Also, during this whole time i almost shit myself multiple times due to free relentless and threw up in my mouth a couple or times whilst fucking her.

Long story short, i scorched an Indian girls vagina with my penis of fire.

Please god dont let me have syphillis...

[Archie Bunker]

did you get thizz dick

[Reev]

Long story short, i scorched an Indian girls vagina with my penis of fire.

Now that's a sig worthy quote if I've ever seen one!

[skate_bored]

grubby mits for the win. that was a good one!

[frank]

i have to bring this back and vent. went to the lady's house today. with in 2 minutes of being in the room i'm in. feelin' good about myself, going strong for like a WHOLE 5 minutes. next thing you know. knock. knock. KNOCK. fuck. had to be like the third time we've been caught. so i grab my jeans, throw them on faster than ever, no boxers. she walks to the door. first thing i hear, "come outside...both of you." i swear my heart jumped out of my chest when i heard those three words. didn't move an inch. next thing you know they're in a full blown shouting match. pretty sure the last thing i heard was "OKAY! we're leaving!!! AGHHH!" so we stick around for a couple minutes to collect our clothes and prep for the awkwardness. so i'm halfway out the house thinking i'm safe. then i look over and her mom is mean mugging me so hard. soo awkward. so i do that little smash my heels down thing to avoid being there any longer. now i'm here, an hour later. blue balls like no other. maybe i should jerk off..

[jimi]

This experience is fresh, as in it happened an hour ago. This is all true.

I went over to my ex girlfriend's house so we could hang out. I wasn't expecting to do anything because I just wasn't feeling it today. Well she opens the door naked and welcomes me in. We go to her room and says she's ready. I say I'm not really diggin it today and that we can just do it tomorrow or something. She gets mad and we just hangout for a bit. Well if there's a naked girl next to you eventually you're going to start getting a boner. So I say "I'm ready for Sex!" and we go at it. 20 minutes in she's like "I want to try something," and gets on top of me and shoves my dick in her ass. This is only the second time I've put it in her butt so I'm still slightly weary of the possibility of shit on my dick. It's going better than expected when she says "I think my ass is leaking." I tell her to get off and check it and it's just blood all over. She starts crying and thinks that she's going to need stitches on her asshole and keeps saying that her mother is never going to forgive her. I walk out of the room to wash the blood off my dingaling. After thoroughly scrubbing I walk back in the room and she's still crying. As i walk towards her I step in something. Without even looking down I already knew what it was. She shit herself. She apologizes and tells me not to tell anyone and I promised I wouldn't. I go back to the bathroom and wash my feet off. By this point she has her clothes back on and is just sitting there. She gets ready for work and I take her and she texts me and says "Let's never do that again."

[polyethylene]

This experience is fresh, as in it happened an hour ago. This is all true.

I went over to my ex girlfriend's house so we could hang out. I wasn't expecting to do anything because I just wasn't feeling it today. Well she opens the door naked and welcomes me in. We go to her room and says she's ready. I say I'm not really diggin it today and that we can just do it tomorrow or something. She gets mad and we just hangout for a bit. Well if there's a naked girl next to you eventually you're going to start getting a boner. So I say "I'm ready for Sex!" and we go at it. 20 minutes in she's like "I want to try something," and gets on top of me and shoves my dick in her ass. This is only the second time I've put it in her butt so I'm still slightly weary of the possibility of shit on my dick. It's going better than expected when she says "I think my ass is leaking." I tell her to get off and check it and it's just blood all over. She starts crying and thinks that she's going to need stitches on her asshole and keeps saying that her mother is never going to forgive her. I walk out of the room to wash the blood off my dingaling. After thoroughly scrubbing I walk back in the room and she's still crying. As i walk towards her I step in something. Without even looking down I already knew what it was. She shit herself. She apologizes and tells me not to tell anyone and I promised I wouldn't. I go back to the bathroom and wash my feet off. By this point she has her clothes back on and is just sitting there. She gets ready for work and I take her and she texts me and says "Let's never do that again."

[BriDen]

Juggalettes are a trusting people, sometimes to a fault.

[Anthony]

Awful experience last night, to make a long story short, whiskey dick. Its never happened to me before i was so bummed, she kept calling me an asshole because of it haha that wasnt really helping either.

[The Poster Formerly Known As Crass]

Hey Jimi, at least she doesn't shit while giving a blow job
http://efukt.com/20899_Unexpected_Cumshot_Ends_Hilariously_Bad.html

[jimi]

Hey Jimi, at least she doesn't shit while giving a blow job
http://efukt.com/20899_Unexpected_Cumshot_Ends_Hilariously_Bad.html

"That's what I do when I puke." She always shits and pukes? Once when I was getting a BJ the girl choked and accidentally pissed all over my legs.

[Donkey Lips]

Pulling from the archives, because I refuse to let this thread go quietly into the night.

I'd talked to a girl that always wanted to "be with a guy and a girl" at the same time. We'll call her Experimental girl. I attempted to cash in on this lottery ticket a few times with no success. It seems that when you can find one part, you can't find the other. Finally I was out with a female friend from high school a few years back, who I'll refer to as "Amanda". I wasn't expecting anything, but Amanda decides to crash at my place. Experimental girl also decides to stay over. With this knowledge I check my drinking just in case...not expecting anything from both, but figuring if I can't get one then I'll get the other. It's 3am, the girls are comfortable with each other and I retire to my room with Experimental girl. While doing the whole heavy petting routine, I ask "Should I bring her in"? Experimental lights up and says yes. Great. Now I need to man up and get this started. So I walk out and Amanda is on the couch watching Nick at Night or something. I sit down, go in for a few kisses (successful) and ask her "Hey, would you want to join in?". Amanda stands up and starts walking straight into the room. The girls see each other and both perk up. They do the softcore porn make out session while I rotate out going down on both of them.

I'm living out the dream. I'm about to cross the finish line, leading the pack, and that gold medal is almost mine. We switch positions and I'm on the bottom, Experimental over my face and Amanda climbs up to fuck me. Amanda is bucking away and moaning. All is grand....until I hear some weird noises from Experimental. I stop to look up, and Experiment is sobbing. Right in the middle of my masterpiece, Experimental is crying her eyes out, mid-oral. Mascara tears running down the wall she's leaning against. Things cease for a minute and Experimental admits that she's jealous and just said she wanted to do a threeway because she thought it'd get my attention.



I sit there, not as drunk as the girls, trying to sooth an upset Experimental while Amanda's lady boner dies down. The night ends with the two of them cuddling, me on the side, and some serious disappointment. The next day I'm told by Amanda that she's down anytime, anywhere. Good to know. Experimental has since been phased out of my life due to the glaring scar on my night. Amanda actually finished me off in the living room that night when we went out to "talk".

[saucy ragu]

That Amanda is one nice girl.

So I was in Amherst again this past week, and decided to hit up a rotary of women that still live around there that I might be able to stir things up with again. I half-heartedly hit up The Biter, who's the only one who's available. We go out for some drinks and a party back at my old place. Hours later we get back to my kitchen/room, throw on Malcolm in the Middle, and proceed to Funkytown. I had already warned this girl against any further biting, hickies, or anything involving her teeth. She reluctantly agrees. Unfortunately we didn't get to the bonezone due to the a multitude of factors--exhaustion, condom shrinkwrap due to not putting one on in nearly a year, and the fact that her orifice was a cramp space. Whatever, a brain-drain is fine by me. So she slowly rubs her petite, topless, half Italian, half Indian body down my own, stopping here and there to kiss... and bite. Liar. She barraged my neck before I could even realize what was happening, but I wasn't sure if she had bitten hard enough to leave a mark so I let her be.

She sways above me and on me some more, stopping at my nipples this time. Now I like some nipple play, but very light and don't linger too long because there's a job to be taken care of downstairs, and I don't like to be kept waiting. Everything this girl does is the opposite of light. She trapped my nipple at the base, and bit down hard. Clamped down, vicegripped, nearly removed it from my body. I wouldn't hit her had she not also had my dick in her hand. She does this a couple times and I channel some Fez, "Steady old boy, steady... she is a fiesty one." A lifetime later she finally makes her way downstairs, and I'm excited. I hadn't had any sort of penis touching from a woman in.. way too long. And she's on the happy trail now, the point of no return, the end of my dry spell is in sight.

Then she makes another pit stop. Not just a peck or sensual kiss on the way down. She stops. Now think to yourself, where is there to stop and focus on the front of the male anatomy between the nipple and the penis when a woman is sexploring? If you guessed the umbilicus, I have the unfortunate pleasure of saying you are indeed correct. I wasn't sure what she was going to do, hopeful just be playful, kiss it or something, then bounce to the more important matter. Instead, she starts licking it. Thankfully it was dark in the room, or else she would've seen the look of "Are you fucking out of your mind?" on my face. She was licking my navel like a pussy, and I didn't know what to do other than nervously giggle. I was fucking disgusted, I hadn't showered and my lint there is notorious. It would have been cleaner for her to just go down on me. This lasts way too long, and she's looking up at me from time to time with what I assume was a look that said "Yeah.. you like that don't you baby?" No, I don't. Suck my dick already. Then she did, and it was lovely as usual. Big lips, tiny hands = gloryland. I drove her home and took my traditional after-come piss. I took a look in the mirror, and noticed that she left her trademark. No less than four hickies littered my neck. Whatever.

[Hercules Rockefeller]

Big lips, tiny hands = gloryland.

this should be written on a trucker hat along with that redneck-flag. and money would be made.

[Numeral]

whiskey dick's a bitch, the sad part is I knew that I had to stop the drinking if I wanted some, but that day for some reason I was more interested in the drinking than in what could've happened afterwards...