FUCK !

[rawbertson.]

i know man but at that point i was just dyin for ANYTHING kinda like right now... the fat chick emailed me sayin she is excited to meet me so hopefully she turns out to be decent... i can take a bit fat, but not like obese brutal unhealthy

[camel filters]

Haha it really psychs me that you'd say that... I get really bummed on myself a lot but I really shouldn't I mean I'm sure shit like this happens to everyone.

I am on my way home from this stupid fuckin wedding and I saw the tim hortons that me and katie used to walk to lasty summer.

My friend dan was dating katie and she was so hot and she played guitar. Dan eventually broke up with her and I moved in on my moms advice.

Anyway so this story is called the last legit handjob.

So I pissed away friday afternoon drinking one june friday and I went home at 10 pm. I went on msn and chad was on and I asked him if he wanted to blaze and he said yeah. My dad knew I was drunk and said I wasn't allowed to drive. I had to also make up a lie about coming home then going right back out again.   I rode my bike about 15km on a dark dark foresty road and we blazed a double swisher blunt if bombs. Katie texted ne sayingf she was chilling at ths dump dump pile of fuck bar in a park and she wanted me to come pick her up.

So I ride my bike down and she is hanging out with greasy 40 year olds and I somehow steal her away and convince one of these fags to give us a ride home in his pick up truck. She was with a friend too.

So we get back to her place and we ditch the friend. She starts literally grabbing my hand and putting multiple fingers inside her vag for blastoise. I go to town on her. Then she gives me that line she doesn't want to do nothing else. I said well we don't have to fuck. She says well I can give you a bj and I say ok, I prefer titty, but even hand is ok. She goes and gets paper towels. She is on top of me and her sis walks in, but doesn't ruin the mood. She hjd me and I slept well. Last legit handjob.

 

trying to trade sex stories with you is like David trying to butt fuck Goliath but Ive got a fucked up/sad/awesome hj story from my innocent times. in middle school, I was an animal that wanted to squirt man juice more than catching pokemons so i solicited a black girl that got in fights with all the other girls into giving me a tuggie in the bathroom. she was going at it and it was bliss untill a sharp sting was felt at the dick vessels. apparently, she jerked it so hard that she ruptured one of the veins and blood was acting as a natural tug lube. i freaked out and pushed her so she hit her head on the urinal. she was now bleeding also. we were both confused and scared of consequences so we agreed to never let out what happened. it was a shitty deal since she got a band aid telling the nurse she hit her head during break while i had to rap my piece with my tightie whities and bleed my shameful blood. luckily the vessel healed and i am still in business.

[oldeath]

This is amazing. I have never laughed so hard from a thread. I actually am not even laughing at you rawb, more with you than anything. Your sexual misadventures are amazing, you are an everyman hero like Bukowski or that American Splendor guy. I thought your raps were dumb, but fucking god damn these stories are amazing.
At least with that one chick you got a dvd out of the crushing blow to your ego.

I would give anything to read the Canadian splendor, not so sure about a movie about it tho

[Tyroneshoelaces]

Anyway so this story is called the last legit handjob.

seriously one of the greatest things i have ever read.  my life is better because you exist.  sig'ed

[rawbertson.]

Haha it really psychs me that you'd say that... I get really bummed on myself a lot but I really shouldn't I mean I'm sure shit like this happens to everyone.

I am on my way home from this stupid fuckin wedding and I saw the tim hortons that me and katie used to walk to lasty summer.

My friend dan was dating katie and she was so hot and she played guitar. Dan eventually broke up with her and I moved in on my moms advice.

Anyway so this story is called the last legit handjob.

So I pissed away friday afternoon drinking one june friday and I went home at 10 pm. I went on msn and chad was on and I asked him if he wanted to blaze and he said yeah. My dad knew I was drunk and said I wasn't allowed to drive. I had to also make up a lie about coming home then going right back out again.   I rode my bike about 15km on a dark dark foresty road and we blazed a double swisher blunt if bombs. Katie texted ne sayingf she was chilling at ths dump dump pile of fuck bar in a park and she wanted me to come pick her up.

So I ride my bike down and she is hanging out with greasy 40 year olds and I somehow steal her away and convince one of these fags to give us a ride home in his pick up truck. She was with a friend too.

So we get back to her place and we ditch the friend. She starts literally grabbing my hand and putting multiple fingers inside her vag for blastoise. I go to town on her. Then she gives me that line she doesn't want to do nothing else. I said well we don't have to fuck. She says well I can give you a bj and I say ok, I prefer titty, but even hand is ok. She goes and gets paper towels. She is on top of me and her sis walks in, but doesn't ruin the mood. She hjd me and I slept well. Last legit handjob.

 

trying to trade sex stories with you is like David trying to butt fuck Goliath but Ive got a fucked up/sad/awesome hj story from my innocent times. in middle school, I was an animal that wanted to squirt man juice more than catching pokemons so i solicited a black girl that got in fights with all the other girls into giving me a tuggie in the bathroom. she was going at it and it was bliss untill a sharp sting was felt at the dick vessels. apparently, she jerked it so hard that she ruptured one of the veins and blood was acting as a natural tug lube. i freaked out and pushed her so she hit her head on the urinal. she was now bleeding also. we were both confused and scared of consequences so we agreed to never let out what happened. it was a shitty deal since she got a band aid telling the nurse she hit her head during break while i had to rap my piece with my tightie whities and bleed my shameful blood. luckily the vessel healed and i am still in business.

holy fuck!!! i would have been freaking! after i fucked around with that indian chick that hurt my dick with the ring i couldnt even jerk off for like a few days, also there was all this weird goo like substance which was probably pussy juice and a lot of long strands of hair all tucked in so i like slept with all that shit just chilling

[HATE!]

Ok, that urinal story just reminded me of one.

Back in 1999 I was in the Air Force and hanging out at this lame bar on base.  I had just walked in and this girl who worked in another section walks right up and asks if I am with anyone.  I replied that I wasn't and she said "Well come with me back to my room."  While we are walking up the stairs I can clearly see that she is way past drunk, so I decide to just make sure she gets to her room and head back.  She is super drunk and doing the whole mumbling thing as she is trying to get her keys, so I get her keys and open her room up and she walks in and goes to flop on the bed and she kinda misses it and bounces off the corner and goes face first into a nightstand.  She is knocked out cold and blood is just gushing out of her face.  I panic and sit her up and she is just mumbling and doesn't feel a thing.  I had no idea what to do, so I went to the next room over where her supervisor was staying.  Right before I knocked on his door I look at my hand and since I was a plane mechanic, my hands were just beat to shit, and I started wondering if he would think I hit her.  He answers and I give him a very brief rundown and his response was, "Shit, again?"  She had apparently done this sorta thing before.  We went back and she was just kinda sitting there all bloody and touching her lip and crying.  He took care of it from there.  I saw her a few days later, back at the bar.  She had knocked out a couple teeth and her face was just wrecked.  She came up to me and apologized and bought me a beer. 

[Hercules Rockefeller]

Ok, that urinal story just reminded me of one.

Back in 1999 I was in the Air Force and hanging out at this lame bar on base.  I had just walked in and this girl who worked in another section walks right up and asks if I am with anyone.  I replied that I wasn't and she said "Well come with me back to my room."  While we are walking up the stairs I can clearly see that she is way past drunk, so I decide to just make sure she gets to her room and head back.  She is super drunk and doing the whole mumbling thing as she is trying to get her keys, so I get her keys and open her room up and she walks in and goes to flop on the bed and she kinda misses it and bounces off the corner and goes face first into a nightstand.  She is knocked out cold and blood is just gushing out of her face.  I panic and sit her up and she is just mumbling and doesn't feel a thing.  I had no idea what to do, so I went to the next room over where her supervisor was staying.  Right before I knocked on his door I look at my hand and since I was a plane mechanic, my hands were just beat to shit, and I started wondering if he would think I hit her.  He answers and I give him a very brief rundown and his response was, "Shit, again?"  She had apparently done this sorta thing before.  We went back and she was just kinda sitting there all bloody and touching her lip and crying.  He took care of it from there.  I saw her a few days later, back at the bar.  She had knocked out a couple teeth and her face was just wrecked.  She came up to me and apologized and bought me a beer. 

rawb would have talked her into giving him a bloody handjob first haha

[HATE!]

Hahaha!!  And something weird would have gone down with the supervisor.

[saucy ragu]

Ok, that urinal story just reminded me of one.

Back in 1999 I was in the Air Force and hanging out at this lame bar on base.  I had just walked in and this girl who worked in another section walks right up and asks if I am with anyone.  I replied that I wasn't and she said "Well come with me back to my room."  While we are walking up the stairs I can clearly see that she is way past drunk, so I decide to just make sure she gets to her room and head back.  She is super drunk and doing the whole mumbling thing as she is trying to get her keys, so I get her keys and open her room up and she walks in and goes to flop on the bed and she kinda misses it and bounces off the corner and goes face first into a nightstand.  She is knocked out cold and blood is just gushing out of her face.  I panic and sit her up and she is just mumbling and doesn't feel a thing.  I had no idea what to do, so I went to the next room over where her supervisor was staying.  Right before I knocked on his door I look at my hand and since I was a plane mechanic, my hands were just beat to shit, and I started wondering if he would think I hit her.  He answers and I give him a very brief rundown and his response was, "Shit, again?"  She had apparently done this sorta thing before.  We went back and she was just kinda sitting there all bloody and touching her lip and crying.  He took care of it from there.  I saw her a few days later, back at the bar.  She had knocked out a couple teeth and her face was just wrecked.  She came up to me and apologized and bought me a beer. 

I was going to say, I'm pretty surprised she remembered you after that episode. But then again, your eyes are pretty unforgettable.

[oldeath]

Give us more Rawb

[saucy ragu]

Give us more Rawb

Yeaaah, what happened with your date?

[rawbertson.]

i stilll havent went yet... she said saturday we can hang out and watch a movie at her apartment. her pics never show her titties, if she has small titties and she is fat ill be pissed

[Donkey Lips]

i stilll havent went yet... she said saturday we can hang out and watch a movie at her apartment. her pics never show her titties, if she has small titties and she is fat ill be pissed

That's a rarity but it does happen. The pear shape, but none of the goods. Be careful of that my friend.

How do we get one of those gizmodo live blog things? Rawb can you give us minute by minute posts just in case my Saturday sucks (it probably will).

[oldeath]

i stilll havent went yet... she said saturday we can hang out and watch a movie at her apartment. her pics never show her titties, if she has small titties and she is fat ill be pissed

That's a rarity but it does happen. The pear shape, but none of the goods. Be careful of that my friend.

How do we get one of those gizmodo live blog things? Rawb can you give us minute by minute posts just in case my Saturday sucks (it probably will).

Yes please do that, my saturday will suck so do it

[rawbertson.]

the only important part is if i get to bust a nut on her gut

[Inbred Jed]

Amen

[rawbertson.]

fuckin bitch said she fell at work and couldnt come out, FUCK that is a GAME fuck you and your fatness i slam 90 and i dont fucking bail out

[Ronald Wilson Reagan]

damn. she sounds like she's a big one. Only old people and really fat people get taken out by a simple fall to the ground. How far did she fall?

[rawbertson.]

to me it sounds like it was just a flat ground slam, if it was down a 2 block or something id have a little more sympathy. i saw my grandma bail off a 4 set once in my house and she even got up and came to red lobster after. stupid cleaning lady waxed the fuck out of the floors and grams had new socks on.

[Chris Hansen is back]

...remember when some assholes on here were crying to mods to ban this poet? Not one of them have ever made a post half as amazing as that one. He's not even trying.

[RobDyrdek]

Yo man i suggest you Fucc that bitch asafp

[j....soy.....]

fuckin bitch said she fell at work and couldnt come out, FUCK that is a GAME fuck you and your fatness i slam 90 and i dont fucking bail out

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.	Small | Large

[Inbred Jed]

to me it sounds like it was just a flat ground slam, if it was down a 2 block or something id have a little more sympathy. i saw my grandma bail off a 4 set once in my house and she even got up and came to red lobster after. stupid cleaning lady waxed the fuck out of the floors and grams had new socks on.

[Narcissus]

to me it sounds like it was just a flat ground slam, if it was down a 2 block or something id have a little more sympathy. i saw my grandma bail off a 4 set once in my house and she even got up and came to red lobster after. stupid cleaning lady waxed the fuck out of the floors and grams had new socks on.

Amazing.

Sig'd. Thanks, Rawb.

[pyrex vision]

to me it sounds like it was just a flat ground slam, if it was down a 2 block or something id have a little more sympathy. i saw my grandma bail off a 4 set once in my house and she even got up and came to red lobster after. stupid cleaning lady waxed the fuck out of the floors and grams had new socks on.

Amazing.

Sig'd. Thanks, Rawb.

FFFFUUUUUUU
you beat me to it! i even opened up the "reply" page in a new tab

rawb i love you

[Schteven]

Oooh baby I like it Raaawwwwb
Oooh baby I like it Raaawwwwb
 (nohomo)

[Ronald Wilson Reagan]

to me it sounds like it was just a flat ground slam, if it was down a 2 block or something id have a little more sympathy. i saw my grandma bail off a 4 set once in my house and she even got up and came to red lobster after. stupid cleaning lady waxed the fuck out of the floors and grams had new socks on.

Did you offer your BBW some red lobster? She might have toughed it out for some cheddar biscuits.

[Narcissus]

to me it sounds like it was just a flat ground slam, if it was down a 2 block or something id have a little more sympathy. i saw my grandma bail off a 4 set once in my house and she even got up and came to red lobster after. stupid cleaning lady waxed the fuck out of the floors and grams had new socks on.

Amazing.

Sig'd. Thanks, Rawb.

FFFFUUUUUUU
you beat me to it! i even opened up the "reply" page in a new tab

rawb i love you

Sorry, man. I was in need. It was either that or the first sentence, which is also great.

Flat ground slam.

Once, while loitering drunk at MIT, some super fat lady gave my friends and I free sandwiches. We were really psyched. Approximately 90 seconds later, she ate shit just walking as we were passing her by. Oh, we tried and tried to contain ourselves, but one homie's capacitor was malfunctioning and he exploded like a kettle whistling with the deepest laughter imaginable. That, of course, was all that the rest of us could handle and so we stood there, laughing like maniacs at a fat woman's flat ground slam mere moments after she had given us sandwiches. Total assholes.

[pyrex vision]

and so we stood there, laughing like maniacs at a fat woman's flat ground slam mere moments after she had given us sandwiches.

sig'd

[Monty Burns]

Rawbertsons Wonderful Horrible Life ( RWHL ) ?.

On some PJ Ladd shit right there ,coming out of nowhere with life style bangers  .