pathetic & failed attempts @ sexual relations

[Pelican]

I've always wanted to cum on a bald girl's head.

[Skater Austin]

Okay here mine. Im im only 16 so i dont that many. But one time when I was 12  I went to spend the night at my friend's house so his mom would take us to a park that was having contest the next day. So im sittin in his bedroom and all the sudden he pulls a giant condom out of his dresser and puts it on, im thinkin wtf, then he preceeds to tell me if i dont let him bang me we wouldnt be able to go the park in the morning. Then he says just imagine he's a girl and it will only take a few minutes. I ended up leaving, now hes sponsored for the local skate shop.

[Crazy Ralph]

Okay here mine. Im im only 16 so i dont that many. But one time when I was 12  I went to spend the night at my friend's house so his mom would take us to a park that was having contest the next day. So im sittin in his bedroom and all the sudden he pulls a giant condom out of his dresser and puts it on, im thinkin wtf, then he preceeds to tell me if i dont let him bang me we wouldnt be able to go the park in the morning. Then he says just imagine he's a girl and it will only take a few minutes. I ended up leaving, now hes sponsored for the local skate shop.

congratulations, this is one of the most fucked up things ive ever heard

[Lenny the Fatface]

haha shes kind of a myth/legend thats been being passed around the southeast lately. "have you heard about that chick thats a dude that rips?"

I can cosign that.

[Beeda Weeda]

I posted this story in TG a while back, but its a pretty good one.

august last summer, I went mountain bikign with my friend after work, (my ankle was jacked all summer so I didnt skate) then went drinking at my friends house with some bros, without tkaing a shower first.
so, we are gettin' drunk, listenin to kim mitchell and steeley dan, the usual, oh and we are drinking Absinthe that my frined has braought back from Poland. ? My friend's cocaine buzzer goes off in his mind, but none of us do blow except him, he is begging us to come to this waterfront area with bars so he can get some blow, I finially oblige because I live near the area and he promises to pay for the cab, so its a decent deal.
so we are sitting in this patio bar, ? closer to 2 am, and this girl comes up to me and is just bla bla bla, basically come to my house and fuck me, a real class act, I know the girl vaugly, and don't really realize who she is untill maybe 5-10 mins after talking to her, so i am like, whatever i am down,
so i go to her house, she lives withlike 3-4 other trashy girls, and a rotweiler puppy, the other girls have brought home some euro dudes who are pretty lame, and I decided to fight the rotweiler and wrestle it to the ground, jamming my for arm in its mouth, it was retarded.
..then we go skinny dipping in lake ontario, FUCKING DISGUSTING.
so we go back to her house, and ? i am sobering up now, the cold water has opened my eyes to reality, i go lay on the couch, and she wakes me up moments later and gets me to come to her room, so i get her to suck my dick for a bit, just being an asshole with absolutly no intentions of recipricatiing and saying horrible shit to her while she is workin it.
she looks at my and is like ..........."fuck me" i swear to god, i though to myself "aids, herpes, assorted vaniel diseases" and responded...not without a condom.....she is like okeee, im going to go pee and look for one in the bathrrom, she hops and heads to the bathroom. i hear the door click.
analyze the pros and cons of the situation. a decision was made.
pull up my pants, grab my shoes...scurry to the front door, unlock, open it as quiet as possible, put my shoes on, run across the front yard, do a one handed hurdle over the white picket fence on the front yard...over a drainage ditch, (my ankle is sprained) so i land in a roll, get up, and run up the street and call a cab on my cell phone, and hide in the bushes until i see the cab.
i have never seen her again.

i forgot to add, she got uglier and fatter as the night went on.

[Donkey Lips]

^^Beeda with the ol' "now ya see me. now ya don't" trick.

[codithou]

These are all interesting/heartbreaking/hilarious..

I'll try one.  Alright so i was about 15 in Vegas visiting my family and old friends for a week.  There was this girl with whom i had been talking to over myspace for a few months prior, who was pretty cute. we had a lot in common etc. you know how that works.  We just clicked.  I didn't make a big deal out of it though because i lived in a different state anyway.  Well while i was in vegas i called her up and asked if she wanted to hang out with me and one of my friends.  So she called up her slutty friend who was totally down to hang out with my horny friend and we all went to the movies. GREAT! well after the movie we asked if they wanted to go to my house (my mom and step dad's house, because i lived in california at the time) and drink. They said yes and it was beginning to turn into the best night ever.  This girl was super. fuckin. hot. So on the way to my house, my friend went into albertsons and stole smirnoff vodka, then we got to my house and started drinking (in my older sisters room, who was not home at the time).  These girls were only about 14 or 15 and drunk off of literally 2 shots. And super horny.  The girl i was into was super into me.  And her friend super into my friend.  We began making out right away and taking off our clothes and for some reason we were on the floor while my friend and his girl were on my sisters bed.  Well about an hour or so into it we decided we wanted to fuck.  Would have been my (and her) first time.  So im like, to my friend "psst. lets go down the street real quick and get some condoms." so we get dressed super fast and literally run to 7-11 a couple blocks down the street and buy some condoms.  We come back and start getting down with our girls again and its all good. Then about 30 min later this bitch my friend is getting with fuckin vomits all over my sisters bed and her brand new sheets.  And im like fuck.  So all the action stops and my friend and i do our best to clean up this pile of vomit that has gone through every layer of the bed into the mattress. and when all that is done everyone just lays down super not into it anymore. About an hour passes and the vomit bitch is passed out and my friend just passed out head first into a wall from drinking the rest of the vodka.  And finally i try to fuck this girl and i got a limp dick from drinking too much. i was super embarrassed. and bummed. the next morning they left and my mom helped me clean up the bitches vomit and laughed about it because my mom is awesome. my sister was pissed though.

anyways i never saw that girl again and i guess she got into heroin a year later and went to rehab and shit and now lives in seattle with her russian boyfriend who beats her. and she's fat now.

That story was long and sucked. I'm sorry slap.

[Pete]

Okay here mine. Im im only 16 so i dont that many. But one time when I was 12  I went to spend the night at my friend's house so his mom would take us to a park that was having contest the next day. So im sittin in his bedroom and all the sudden he pulls a giant condom out of his dresser and puts it on, im thinkin wtf, then he preceeds to tell me if i dont let him bang me we wouldnt be able to go the park in the morning. Then he says just imagine he's a girl and it will only take a few minutes. I ended up leaving, now hes sponsored for the local skate shop.

congratulations, this is one of the most fucked up things ive ever heard

seriously

[Kevin Costner]

This one is just from yesterday, and also very confusing.

So this girl that I've been on and off talking to for the past 4 months or so. We've hung out, she comes and watches me spin at the club, smoke, dinner. all that etc. We just kind of have conflicting schedules. So there would be like times where we would hang 3 times a week, and times of not talking for like 2 weeks. We haven't done anything at all, but we've exchanged nudes and have gotten pretty sexual via text msg. But in IRL something just never seems right. So after about a week of none to little communication, it's 4 am sunday morning. I'm just wide awake lurking slap and I see someone one is calling me. It's her. I pick up sounding a little dumbfounded on why she would be calling at this hour. She's drunk and wondering what I am doing. Convo carries on blah blah blah, seemed like a booty call but she was to far out of the way to come pick me up, and I don't drive so it was a no go. Then she is very adamant about hanging out the next day. Say shit like "dont go making other plans" "im gonna kidnap you for a couple days" and most of all my favorite "we're going to watch Waterworld" in kind of a drunk ramble. So when I wake up I talk to some of my dudes and tell them whats going down that their saying it's a most deff. that I'm gonna dango-stomp. So I get all stoked that I'm about to bang out this girl, cause through most of the time talking to her I've been passive. But the day had come, I was gonna put the moves down. So she picks me up and we kind of do some catch up talking. Get to her place, post up on the sofa. Pop in Waterworld, I sit right next to her and bam.

roomate walks in.

So I'm thinking to myself, hmm well she did say that I was going to be there for a couple days. Her roomate had rented some movies and wanted to watch them. So the three of us start watching this fuckin sexual ass movie, and they start talking about what they want in sexual partners. During this conversation, I'm absolutely silent. And this girl is almost to a tee describes me. So here I am sitting, with the hugest bonedaddy ever. Totally thinking that when the movie was over that we would go into her room and that I would violate most parts of her body. No. After it was over they wanted to watch another one. But this movie was not sexual(for me) because it was Milk. The story of Harvey Milk the first openly gay man to be in office. While it was a fantastic movie, it was also LONG AS FUCK. And by the time it was over I thought for sure it was "bed time"... NOT. She tells her roommate that she's gonna take me home and yadda yadda. My heart sinks to the floor.

And only now, while typing this out did I think... I could've just invited her in when she was gonna drop me off.

fuck.

I think I still have a pretty good chance. I'll post if I end up getting the goods.

[finknoos]

We haven't done anything at all, but we've exchanged nudes and have gotten pretty sexual via text msg

are you 12?

[ism]

hes 14 asshole, lay off.

[Donkey Lips]

Pop in Waterworld, I sit right next to her

I'm surprised this seal the deal right there. The post apocalyptic environment of Waterworld coupled with the brilliance of Dennis Hopper, usually makes clothes fall off of girls.

[Kevin Costner]

We haven't done anything at all, but we've exchanged nudes and have gotten pretty sexual via text msg

are you 12?

So maybe I'm not the best with girls. I mean the thread title is pathetic attempts.

[dolphin titties]

when her roomate came in you shoulda suggested going to her room fool, or mentioned how Milk turns you on or something

[cheep]

Most of my pathetic andfailed attempts involve liqour and cocaine. 

[MisterX]

First one was when  my co-worker and I (also my roommate) were working and it's winter out so things are kind of slow so we would just people watch, and there are these two really good looking girls that are walking around doing shopping. We are sitting there making comments to each other about smashing these girls, and they walk past the window a few times and look in, eventually then they end up coming in and the better looking of the two tells me "I just had to come in and give you my number, and you better use it!" so we get to talking and they come and hang out at our place and things are going well, but since it's all snowy they had to get home since they didn't live in the same city.  Fair enough I thought, so her and I keep talking and text messaging and it's going really well.  It turns out she's a model and whatnot, but who isn't these days...

So, the next weekend I go visit her in her city and she keeps telling me to come stop by this tanning salon she is at, so I "cool guy" it for a bit and take my time.  As soon as I get in the door she grabs me and starts like fully making out with me in the middle of this place and I am totally digging.  She's telling me how bad she wants me to be with her blah blah blah.

Then she tells me she is coming to visit me and stay over the next weekend, so I am all pumped because I figure the deal is sealed.  She gets there I make dinner, as I am cooking she finds a box  I had just received from a company I was skating for at the time and she starts going through it picking things out and of course I am like yeah totally take what you want.  Then night falls we are in bed and making out and messing around around a bit and I go to remove her bra (she insisted on sleeping in her panties and bra only) then she basically tells me how she wants a commitment, etc. etc.  I am cool with that because we really seemed to click.  So we were both pretty pumped on where we were in our "relationship."  After she left the next day I never heard from her again.  It was the weirdest thing.


Another time I went to the bar with my roommate and there was this Hawaiian girl there with the such a perfect ass among other features who I was taking to, but  sometimes I am a bit more shy then I need to be so my roommate was like that's it you're banging this chick and left me no choice, so he just grabs her hand at the end of the night and says you're coming home with us, and she agreed.  I  wasn't drinking as I was the D.D. so I was pretty on point throughout the night and realized this was going to be awesome because she seemed pretty wild.

We get to our house and we head right to my room and we start getting pretty heavy and things are going well and she just straight up tells me to bang her.  Things are starting out well and then she starts biting me and not like soft bites she fully bites my lip and I go "OW!" so she bites harder and I start bleeding then before I realize it she bites me like 3 or 4 more times on my body and I am just over it.  I get up turn the light on and tell her that isn't my thing.  She apologized, but at that point it was already really awkward.  I told her I was going to sleep, and she told me she was going to watch tv with my roommate.

She ended up going in the living room and trying to get with him.  He sends me a text and I told him go for it but she's a bit much, and he replied about not being too worried.  She told him to slap her so he did but not too hard.  She made him open hand slap her as hard as he could and knocked her down on the floor and she was loving it and going crazy.  Needless to say I am glad I passed that up.  It turned out she lived directly above us in our apartment complex and one night came into our house and was lurking around and trying to sleep with my roommate it was a bit freaky and we told her the cops would be involved if she pulled that again.

[Beer Keg Peg Leg]

why would you make up stories about not getting laid?

[Skater Austin]

why would you make up stories about not getting laid?

To increase his self esteem.

[fowlerclone]

I posted this story in TG a while back, but its a pretty good one.

august last summer, I went mountain bikign with my friend after work, (my ankle was jacked all summer so I didnt skate) then went drinking at my friends house with some bros, without tkaing a shower first.
so, we are gettin' drunk, listenin to kim mitchell and steeley dan, the usual, oh and we are drinking Absinthe that my frined has braought back from Poland. ? My friend's cocaine buzzer goes off in his mind, but none of us do blow except him, he is begging us to come to this waterfront area with bars so he can get some blow, I finially oblige because I live near the area and he promises to pay for the cab, so its a decent deal.
so we are sitting in this patio bar, ? closer to 2 am, and this girl comes up to me and is just bla bla bla, basically come to my house and fuck me, a real class act, I know the girl vaugly, and don't really realize who she is untill maybe 5-10 mins after talking to her, so i am like, whatever i am down,
so i go to her house, she lives withlike 3-4 other trashy girls, and a rotweiler puppy, the other girls have brought home some euro dudes who are pretty lame, and I decided to fight the rotweiler and wrestle it to the ground, jamming my for arm in its mouth, it was retarded.
..then we go skinny dipping in lake ontario, FUCKING DISGUSTING.
so we go back to her house, and ? i am sobering up now, the cold water has opened my eyes to reality, i go lay on the couch, and she wakes me up moments later and gets me to come to her room, so i get her to suck my dick for a bit, just being an asshole with absolutly no intentions of recipricatiing and saying horrible shit to her while she is workin it.
she looks at my and is like ..........."fuck me" i swear to god, i though to myself "aids, herpes, assorted vaniel diseases" and responded...not without a condom.....she is like okeee, im going to go pee and look for one in the bathrrom, she hops and heads to the bathroom. i hear the door click.
analyze the pros and cons of the situation. a decision was made.
pull up my pants, grab my shoes...scurry to the front door, unlock, open it as quiet as possible, put my shoes on, run across the front yard, do a one handed hurdle over the white picket fence on the front yard...over a drainage ditch, (my ankle is sprained) so i land in a roll, get up, and run up the street and call a cab on my cell phone, and hide in the bushes until i see the cab.
i have never seen her again.

i forgot to add, she got uglier and fatter as the night went on.

Pretty good story to begin with, but that detail just made it hilarious/amazing.

[max power]

why would you make up stories about not getting laid?

To increase his self esteem.

same reason someone might make up a story of a kid pulling a"giant condom" out of a dresser, then propositioning that he has anal sex with them while pretending they were a girl.

[yeah dude!]

So here I am sitting, with the hugest bonedaddy ever.

This sentence is so fucking funny

[Skater Austin]

why would you make up stories about not getting laid?

To increase his self esteem.

same reason someone might make up a story of a kid pulling a"giant condom" out of a dresser, then propositioning that he has anal sex with them while pretending they were a girl.

Dude,if i were to make up a story about not gettin laid, it wouldnt be that, it would invole some hot bitch with MASSIVE boobs  that looks like a model,who i fingered then she rubbed my GIANT COCK,  we made out on the couch,then she gave me bj, and after she pulled her pants down but right after that she passed out, never sall her again after  that, now she is a rich actress  who live's  in Hollywood with Bill Gates but sleeps around with  Kobe and Alex Olson.

[codithou]

why would you make up stories about not getting laid?

To increase his self esteem.

same reason someone might make up a story of a kid pulling a"giant condom" out of a dresser, then propositioning that he has anal sex with them while pretending they were a girl.

Dude,if i were to make up a story about not gettin laid, it wouldnt be that, it would invole some hot bitch with MASSIVE boobs  that looks like a model,who i fingered then she fingered me,  we made out on the couch,then she gave me bj, and after she pulled her pants down but right after that she passed out, never sall her again after  that, now she is a rich actress  who live's  in Hollywood with Bill Gates but sleeps around with  Kobe.

[redhatchet]

why would you make up stories about not getting laid?

To increase his self esteem.

same reason someone might make up a story of a kid pulling a"giant condom" out of a dresser, then propositioning that he has anal sex with them while pretending they were a girl.

Dude,if i were to make up a story about not gettin laid, it wouldnt be that, it would invole some hot bitch with MASSIVE boobs  that looks like a model,who i fingered then she rubbed my GIANT COCK,  we made out on the couch,then she gave me bj, and after she pulled her pants down but right after that she passed out, never sall her again after  that, now she is a rich actress  who live's  in Hollywood with Bill Gates but sleeps around with  Kobe and Alex Olson.

[Watson]

why would you make up stories about not getting laid?

To increase his self esteem.

same reason someone might make up a story of a kid pulling a"giant condom" out of a dresser, then propositioning that he has anal sex with them while pretending they were a girl.

Dude,if i were to make up a story about not gettin laid, it wouldnt be that, it would invole some hot bitch with MASSIVE boobs  that looks like a model,who i fingered then she fingered me,  we made out on the couch,then she gave me bj, and after she pulled her pants down but right after that she passed out, never sall her again after  that, now she is a rich actress  who live's  in Hollywood with Bill Gates but sleeps around with  Kobe.

Now that's MY KINDA HOOK UP! BOO-YA!

[Lordata]

why would you make up stories about not getting laid?

To increase his self esteem.

same reason someone might make up a story of a kid pulling a"giant condom" out of a dresser, then propositioning that he has anal sex with them while pretending they were a girl.

Dude,if i were to make up a story about not gettin laid, it wouldnt be that, it would invole some hot bitch with MASSIVE boobs  that looks like a model,who i fingered then she fingered me,  we made out on the couch,then she gave me bj, and after she pulled her pants down but right after that she passed out, never sall her again after  that, now she is a rich actress  who live's  in Hollywood with Bill Gates but sleeps around with  Kobe.

Now that's MY KINDA HOOK UP! BOO-YA!

I love you Watson.

Now how's that for awkward.
oh tshi wrong thread.

[lenny]

Okay.. If this qualifies as a failed and/or pathetic attempt at sexual relations, im not sure. let the story speak for itself.
Ive had the flu for the last 4 days, puking, flem-chest, face-schmegmga.. the whole nine. right?
Two nights ago this girl who i have had one drunken and 'blown out' night with in the TL last week, that led to nothing, nada... hits me up at one in the morning. "what r u up 2?" i reply with "sick as fuck, trying to get some sleep". "Would you like some soup?' is her reply.. Of course i'd like some soup, I'd LOVE, some soup!
"..thank you, i'll go unlock the door now." I fall back asleep or whatever you want to call it... then, all of a sudden there are lights on in my room. soft voices, the smell of chicken-noodle (the expensive kind). I realize she actually did it, this 5' Korean woman brought me chicken soup in the middle of the night. it was an amazing revelation.
        over the next 21 hours we ingested xanax, percocet, cocaine, alcohol, and nicotine.. in no particular order. we attempted to engage in the act of coitus at some point, all seemed well until my erection ended abruptly, and without warning. I pledge on all that is holy 'i was hard for at least.. At Least!.. four minutes and change. ' that however is a mere estimate, for i refrained from timing myself on this particular occasion.
until next time,

lenny

good night.

[tobey]

a couple of months ago i met this girl at a party she went up to one of my friends and asking him if im single, he says na so then she just came up to me and started hooking up. i went to go get another beer and she was gone, i wasnt really pissed at this point but i didnt even know what she looked like but then my friend came up to me saying how hot she is and shit.

she ended up getting my number from one of my other friends (i found that creepy but she was goodlookin so i let it slide) she hits me up every weekend to chill and i am always workin and shit and just dont feel like picking her up cause she lives on the other side of town.

One night she told me about a huge party so i was like fuck why not ill pick you up and go. i brought my friend and his girl with me and we all ended up getting really drunk. i drop off my friend and his girl at his place and then i was about to drop off my girl at her house but she said go up the block a little bit. right when i park she just hops on my dick and rips my shirt off, at that point i was feeling great cause i wasnt doing shit and she was doin all the work. she took her shirt off and pants and i was takin mine off to (realize that we are tryin to undress in the drivers seat of the car) she gets her pants off, mine are down to my ankles but i just dont really give a fuck at this point.

She starts rubbing my cock good which got me hard and then out of no where i here a fucking phone ring, it wasnt mine it was her's, she was about to anwser her it and i knocked her phone to the ground. the phone rang again, after the second call she just got off of me and when she was done on the call she just said "my mom wants me home now". i drop my jaw and just am fucking pissed at this point because she was the one all over me and now this shit is happening?

after that i dont really talk to this chick anymore just because my dick will never forgive her for the pain she has cause

[Joe Pesci]

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[mandibleclaw]

...so i'm balls deep in this guy, and he reaches around and grabs my ass, and i'm like, "FAG."

total boner-killer for sure, bro