pathetic & failed attempts @ sexual relations

[dolphin titties]

the fact that he didn't like dirty talk is the awkward part

[Beeda Weeda]

fags can be such queers.

[longballlarry]

So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

[Joe Pesci]

jesus christ that entire post was fucking amazing

[Numeral]

that was awesome

[Skater Austin]

So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

were you taken pills before?  That happened to me once but it  mostly happens when I try to jack off after Ive taken pills.

[redhatchet]

So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

probably the best portion of a sentence I've read on SLAP.

[poopmonkey]

So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

probably the best portion of a sentence I've read on SLAP.

hahaha, seconded. plus, if you wait too long, your dick will think "fuck this shit, if you're not doing it, i'm not doing it."

[finknoos]

So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

probably the best portion of a sentence I've read on SLAP.

fukin sig'd

[codithou]

That was the best thing i've ever read.

[Buddy G]

this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

seriously, i don't care how old, cool, confident, healthy or virile you are.
Viagra is a MUST for every gentlemen's medicine cabinet.

[H8R part 4]

i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird.

you should have just said yes though she would've been in for a rude awakening considering how you wipe your butt!   

[StabMasterArson]

So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

Fuck her with a Halfy!

[camel filters]

So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

im thinking she said "lick your balls" but i could be wrong and me being wrong has never been this possibly awesome. hit her back up and fill us in.

[Buddy G]

So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?

Fuck her with a Halfy!

fold it in half and punch it in?

[skate_bored]

ive had limp dick cockblock me probably 20 times in my life. id say 17 of those times were from being really drunk. 2 from being really nervous, and 1 from so much foreplay that my dick just finally gave up by the time sex came around.

the first 2 nervous times had me worried, so i bought this enhancement pill from a friend. took the pill, the chick came over and we watched some stupid fucking movie that i cant remember and when i walked her out to her car i kissed her goodbye. thats fucking IT! i went inside and had a wonderful time jacking off with the stiffest boner i had experienced since 5th grade.

then i decided to get a few drinks in me if i was ever nervous, which actually works pretty well if you just have a few. most of my whiskey dick moments were with girlfriends so i wasnt too bummed on it.

[Watson]

how do i prevent this from happening again?

Next time she says mad quietly "I want to lick your butt", respond mad loudly "Hell yeah bitch! Get to it!"

Guaranteed raging boner.

[LesbianPUNCH]

One time, I was playing spin the bottle with a bunch of homies, a good mix of guys and gals. ? We had a rule going where if you didn't want to kiss someone of the same sex you had to shed an article of clothing. ? On top of that, we were pounding whiskey and beer like water. ? Also, the third time you kiss someone you have to get gnarlier with it. ? So after about an hour or two, we were all completely naked, and there was very little order to anything, we were just making out with eachother at random. ? I had my eyes set on this girl Lauren, who cut my hair once and happened to be a fox who was DFT, and we were naked in front of 10 people going at it in a well lit stairwell. ? And then we decided to move the party to this dudes house. ? Why? ? I don't know.

We get there, and it's dark, and it becomes apparent that everyone is WASTED beyond salvaging, and the evening is done. ? Lauren is on the sofa, and I curl up next to her. ? And then some dude is like, hey you guys can have the bed if you want, I'll take the sofa. ? So I'm all "hell yeah, this might happen" if I was even capable of thinking at that time. ? I know my penis was thinking that.

I stumble into this dark room, Lauren is still of the sofa, and this dude grabs me and tries to stubble fuck my face with his mouth, and I just start puking everywhere. ? I don't know if it was on purpose to get revenge for this motherfrankfurt trying to lure me into a trap, but I murdered his bed, his carpet, and his bathroom with projectile vomitting. ? I woke up the next day in the shower, with puke everywhere, completely naked. ? No one was there. ? I walked out and got in my car ? and I went skateboarding.

edit:Dtf, not dft.

[PAWL]

One time, I was playing spin the bottle with a bunch of homies, a good mix of guys and gals.  We had a rule going where if you didn't want to kiss someone of the same sex you had to shed an article of clothing.  On top of that, we were pounding whiskey and beer like water.  Also, the third time you kiss someone you have to get gnarlier with it.  So after about an hour or two, we were all completely naked, and there was very little order to anything, we were just making out with eachother at random.  I had my eyes set on this girl Lauren, who cut my hair once and happened to be a fox who was DFT, and we were naked in front of 10 people going at it in a well lit stairwell.  And then we decided to move the party to this dudes house.  Why?  I don't know.

>down for truckin?

We get there, and it's dark, and it becomes apparent that everyone is WASTED beyond salvaging, and the evening is done.  Lauren is on the sofa, and I curl up next to her.  And then some dude is like, hey you guys can have the bed if you want, I'll take the sofa.  So I'm all "hell yeah, this might happen" if I was even capable of thinking at that time.  I know my penis was thinking that.

I stumble into this dark room, Lauren is still of the sofa, and this dude grabs me and tries to stubble fuck my face with his mouth, and I just start puking everywhere.  I don't know if it was on purpose to get revenge for this motherfrankfurt trying to lure me into a trap, but I murdered his bed, his carpet, and his bathroom with projectile vomitting.  I woke up the next day in the shower, with puke everywhere, completely naked.  No one was there.  I walked out and got in my car  and I went skateboarding.

>YES

[Giovanni Falcone]

The last girl's number I got was at a bar on New Years Eve. We did the little midnight happy new years kiss thing, which led into a few more kisses, and us with our arms around eachother. She was pretty wasted because she was about to leave. I'm thinking I might get laid tonight this is awesome. Her friend is all like, "That guy is cool, let him walk you home." I'm thinking thanks buddy. So I tell her I gotta go cash out at the bar, and we can leave, and she's like no thats cool. I tell her you should have someone walk you home it's dangerous at night to walk by yourself, she's like it's cool I got a hatchet.

She pulls a foot long hatchet out of her purse, and is like prepared for an attack. I was thinking she wasn't joking about the hatchet. I've never seen a girl with a hatchet. The last time I saw someone with a hatchet they were going to chop some wood or something. So she's got this hatchet out, and she's gripping it in her hands pretty tight, like if anyone was gonna take it away from her, she was gonna chop off their hand.

And it was a nice hatchet from what I remember. I don't know where you would get nice hatchets from, I'm guessing somewhere online.

So I'm admiring her hatchet and the whole time we're still standing really close together, so the timing was right, so I asked her for her number. I get her number, kiss and hug one more time, and she heads out down the street.

I go back into the bar and continue drinking and ringing in the new year telling everyone that chick I was talking to has a hatchet. They seemed not to care too much but were more surprised that I got her number. So the rest of the night goes along with more randomness and ending with me waiting 2 hours to flag a cab down. Cab drivers can be such dickheads sometimes.

So a few days pass and I call up the girl I met. It rang and rang and went to her voicemail. So I figure I'll leave a message, that always works. So I say, "Hey it's me, I met you the other night at the bar we talked for awhile, about what we do, where we're from and stuff like that. I was wondering if you wanted to go out get some food or drinks, and stuff. We can chop people up with your hatchet. Alright have a good one, talk to you later, bye."

And I haven't heard back from her yet. I only called her once. It would of been fun if we hooked up. I could of said, "I'm getting Mid-Evil on your ass."

[Tale Crab]

Uh oh...

[max power]

The last girl's number I got was at a bar on New Years Eve. We did the little midnight happy new years kiss thing, which led into a few more kisses, and us with our arms around eachother. She was pretty wasted because she was about to leave. I'm thinking I might get laid tonight this is awesome. Her friend is all like, "That guy is cool, let him walk you home." I'm thinking thanks buddy. So I tell her I gotta go cash out at the bar, and we can leave, and she's like no thats cool. I tell her you should have someone walk you home it's dangerous at night to walk by yourself, she's like it's cool I got a hatchet.

She pulls a foot long hatchet out of her purse, and is like prepared for an attack. I was thinking she wasn't joking about the hatchet. I've never seen a girl with a hatchet. The last time I saw someone with a hatchet they were going to chop some wood or something. So she's got this hatchet out, and she's gripping it in her hands pretty tight, like if anyone was gonna take it away from her, she was gonna chop off their hand.

And it was a nice hatchet from what I remember. I don't know where you would get nice hatchets from, I'm guessing somewhere online.

So I'm admiring her hatchet and the whole time we're still standing really close together, so the timing was right, so I asked her for her number. I get her number, kiss and hug one more time, and she heads out down the street.

I go back into the bar and continue drinking and ringing in the new year telling everyone that chick I was talking to has a hatchet. They seemed not to care too much but were more surprised that I got her number. So the rest of the night goes along with more randomness and ending with me waiting 2 hours to flag a cab down. Cab drivers can be such dickheads sometimes.

So a few days pass and I call up the girl I met. It rang and rang and went to her voicemail. So I figure I'll leave a message, that always works. So I say, "Hey it's me, I met you the other night at the bar we talked for awhile, about what we do, where we're from and stuff like that. I was wondering if you wanted to go out get some food or drinks, and stuff. We can chop people up with your hatchet. Alright have a good one, talk to you later, bye."

And I haven't heard back from her yet. I only called her once. It would of been fun if we hooked up. I could of said, "I'm getting Mid-Evil on your ass."

you should have just asked to see her hatchet wound

[IskateBaker]

The best part is when I found out that she went to Vegas for work and fucked Braydon Szafranski. After that I stopped being bummed and was stoked because it was all so ridiculous that it's funny.

omg thats a crazy story i feel bad for you but i literally started laughing when i read the shit about Braydon, like damn thats crazy

[rawbertson.]

fuck sakes

last night i went to niagara falls in a limo with just 2 guys and 10 girls, this one girl was having a beef with the other girls and i cheered her up, shit was going so well. then i told her i like her, and she hugged me for a really really long time\. i should have just started trying ot make out with her in the iddle of the bar but i panicked. a few seconds later she fucking went and talked to some mike vallelly fagget and ruined everything. i was so fucking pissed. she was hot as fuck too i dont know what her problem is. its not like she went home with him or anything she came home with us but she basically avoided me for the rest of the night, it was shitty. i think there is actually something wrong with me

[Beeda Weeda]

what bar did you go to rawb? niagara falls is like the soon to be stripper, tribal tat and coked out dupste rchick capital of eastern north america.

[saucy ragu]

Rawb, you have your own thread for stuff like this hombre!

[Radgasm]

how do i prevent this from happening again?

Next time she says mad quietly "I want to lick your butt", respond mad loudly "Hell yeah bitch! Get to it!"

Guaranteed raging boner.

OMG HAhahahaha. Awesomeness.

I went back to this girls house after seeing a Black Sabbath Cover Band(it was gnar). We were both pretty drunk, and she wanted to cuddle ...... but just cuddle that's it.

I was like, "Uhh, I'm fucking drunk, and you're a cute girl. I'm not gunna rape you... but I'm gunna mind fuck you all night, as in I won't sleep."

I went out into the living room and passed out.

The nerve of females. Gosh darn.

[Beer Keg Peg Leg]

whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them

[Mundungus]

I wanna hear some CoTG pathetic and failed attempts at sexual relations

[saucy ragu]

whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them

Whenever I cuddle with girls their hair itches the fuck out of my nose and I want to rip off their head and just keep the part that matters: the butthole.