pathetic & failed attempts @ sexual relations

[Clayton]

At a party at a friends house some chick was making out with multiple dudes. We were drinking and I had to pee. As I was walking into the bathroom she snaked it and locked us in together. She had to wizz too, so she did her thing. When it was my turn I accidentally released the worlds loudest fart. Instead of the suspected "wtf" look most girls would give, she started laughing her ass off.

Later that night after everyone left she ended up making out on top of me on the couch. The entire time I just thought to myself, "fuck...I'm too drunk to get a boner." I proceeded to pass out...possibly mid make-out, memory was hazy. I woke up around 4AMish to her staring at me on the other side of the couch smiling. She kind of weirded me out, so I drove home drunk.

So if you're ever in an awkward situation around a whore, just fart really loud and she'll be into it.

[Lordata]

So if you're ever in an awkward situation around a whore, just fart really loud and she'll be into it.

sig'd

[pyrex vision]

whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them

Whenever I cuddle with girls their hair itches the fuck out of my nose and I want to rip off their head and just keep the part that matters: the butthole.

gnar'd 4ever <3<3<3

[Bobbito]

whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them

we fight the same battle my friend

[Narcissus]

whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them

we fight the same battle my friend

You guys feel awkward about poking girls with your boners? That is the entire reason you are alive!

[Beeda Weeda]

nothing worse better than consoling a girlfriend  who has a tragic loss in the family or somthing similar, then jammin' your boner in to her.

[dolphin titties]

anybody get a boner while grinding against phat azzes?

[tobey]

I wanna hear some CoTG pathetic and failed attempts at sexual relations

[saucy ragu]

I wanna hear some CoTG pathetic and failed attempts at sexual relations

He gets ham all the time.

[StabMasterArson]

when it comes to fat girls, I bet hes done a few NBD's.

[jimi]

It's not that hard to succeed. Just lower the bar. There's been a couple times when all i've had to say is "want to make black babies with me?" and the ladies go stupid for it. or just whip out my dick. That's worked quite a bit.

Back on subject. When I was 17 I had a friend with benefits that would always talk about how she wanted me to go balls deep in her ass. well i broke it off with her after a while because i found out she was dating someone i knew. One day i decided just to go for it. I text her and say "Want to come over and get some of this Nigga dick?" to which she responds "Of course " so i get all ready, i make my futon and clean my balls, and she arrives. We go up to my room and start fooling around. She asks me to eat her out and i do. She orgasms and then i ask her to return the favor to which she starts crying and saying "I have a boyfriend, blahblahblah." I comfort her and get her to stop crying. We then keep going and i say "I'm going to go balls deep in that ass," and she starts crying again and says we can't do this anymore. We then play Mario Carts and she leaves. So disappointing. i didn't even kick her ass in Mario Carts.

[PTDK]

It's not that hard to succeed. Just lower the bar. .

Nothing more true than this. My dad used to say "Son, a man with standards is only cock blocking himself."

[LesbianPUNCH]

I was at a party once, pissing in the bathroom.  The door didn't lock.  A few seconds in to my great piss, a heavy flock of bitches all push through the door and crowd around the mirror to apply makeup.  One of the girls really had to pee, so I finished, lowered the seat, and then stepped to the side behind the makeup girls in hopes that I would be able to wash my hands and get the hell out of there. 

So the girl who has to pee, she flops down with a quickness, and as soon as her cheeks hit the seat she filled that toilet bowl to the top with diarrhea.  Everyone went silent, eyes lit up, hands went over mouths.  I decided against washing and walked out of the bathroom and told everyone I saw.

I had sex in a car parked on the street shortly after.

[Mundungus]

when it comes to fat girls, I bet hes done a few NBD's.

He's doing all the fat girls the most amazing of pros are doing

[jimi]

It's not that hard to succeed. Just lower the bar. .

Nothing more true than this. My dad used to say "Son, a man with standards is only cock blocking himself."

hahahaha. A friend of mine always says "Standards are for relationships."

[Joe Pesci]

I was at a party once, pissing in the bathroom.?  The door didn't lock.?  A few seconds in to my great piss, a heavy flock of bitches all push through the door and crowd around the mirror to apply makeup.?  One of the girls really had to pee, so I finished, lowered the seat, and then stepped to the side behind the makeup girls in hopes that I would be able to wash my hands and get the hell out of there.? 

So the girl who has to pee, she flops down with a quickness, and as soon as her cheeks hit the seat she filled that toilet bowl to the top with diarrhea.?  Everyone went silent, eyes lit up, hands went over mouths.?  I decided against washing and walked out of the bathroom and told everyone I saw.

I had sex in a car parked on the street shortly after.

get the fuck out of here with your succesful attempts at acquiring vagina

[nice weather]

Let's dig deeper for more pathetic and even more failed please.

[Stoeipoes]

anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.

[Joe Pesci]

tell me youre joking

[skate_bored]

anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.

tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.

[Smell Good]

It's not that hard to succeed. Just lower the bar. .

Nothing more true than this. My dad used to say "Son, a man with standards is only cock blocking himself."

hahahaha. A friend of mine always says "Standards are for relationships."

The fucking nuggets of wisdom I find in this place...amazing.

Time to get my fuck on with some chubbers and/or homely girls!

[sultsult]

about a year ago i had just gotten over this long thing with this chick who never even dated me... we were fucking all the time and I ended up becoming friends with her BF she was cheating on with me, but at the time shit sucked and left me really raw.. I hadnt gotten any for a while and ended up going up to seattle for this party and was kinda determined to try and find something... I ended up talking to this fat chick who was pretty big but had a pretty face and was reallll easy to talk and flirt with.. We were gona go back to my friends house (who had actually fucked her before but had a gf now) and I was all ready to make it happen. . we were walking towards his place and talking and flirting still and all the sudden i notice she was holding my homeys hand (the guy who had banged her before) and I was all drunk so I just got fucking pissed and told me other homey we were with that we were leaving.. the chick and my friend though we would meet back up up but I just peaced as I was so pissed I had blown hooking up with a fat chick... truth be told she probably wouldve had me AND my friend but I wasn't ready to go there..

[Stoeipoes]

anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.

tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.

what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?

Okay anal might not be the gayest thing. Things like she puts something up in your ass are gayer. I've done anal a few times and it's too tight. A pussy fits way better.

Well, if you have a pencil dick i understand taking girls anal.

[nice weather]

and the most I ever went through to get laid:

in high school, like 17, me and my friends reconnected with this chick who had gone to our school and left and was now partying like us.. we were all at this party at my friends house and I had been playing a show with my band earlier that night and popped a few percocets. got to the party and started drinking and smoking heavily. get on the "dance floor" in the living room and started dancing with this chick, we had known eachother but never really clicked or talked.. id say she was like a 7 but freaky so like a 7.5... we were basically just dry humping at a certain point and the only ones on the dancefloor so I suggested we go upstairs.. we get up there and things move pretty fast.. we're seemingly about to fuck but I just cant get it up.. she trys and trys for like 10 minutes but I'm completely flaccid.. It was partly the percocet and also the fact that she told me she had a 24 year old russian line cook boyfriend she was aparently cheating on with me..  either way, her fucking friend started banging on the door and demanding they leave... so with my cock still soft we decided to finish up at a later date...

luckily she was having a party at her house a few weeks later.. I made sure to not get too fucked up, but this party kinda sucked.. everyone was watching "velvet goldmine" and some kids were on ecstasy acting like idiots.. once i got drunk enough, this chick busts out some huge cigar and starts puffin.. i'm like "you wana go up stairs?" and she was like "not til i finish this cigar." I guess she had to regulate shit in her house but I wanted to slam.. (this was probably only the third chick i had banged)... finally after like 2 hours we finally get up in her room, but her BFF and gay friend are in there too cause were smoking weed... the BFF gets the picture and leaves, but the fucking gay friend wont leave... I tried everything on him, dropping every hint... finally I convince him to go unclog this piece we were smoking out of and as soon as the fucked leaves, I slam and lock the door... then we FINALLY got down to business, no penis malfunctions, although I couldn't finish and we ended up going for like 45 minutes.. worth it though i guess.

So that's the good story? get the fuck out of here with this shit. Noone wants to hear a boring story about you getting laid for the third time. You picked the wrong type of pathetic and missed the failed part, now leave.


here's how it's done:

a few months ago, my bud brought some girls over to my place after a social, just to have drinks and shit.  one was aight, he was on the couch with her and the other was a fatty who i ignored all night.  im in the kicthen making perogies and she comes in and asks if i want to snuggle.  i take it as an invite for sex and im kind of drunk so after finishing my perogies i go and get a condom and meet her in the computer room.  she starts kissing me and i take off my shirt.  her shirt has about 40 fucking buttons on it and shes struggling to get it off then after a minute, gets frustrated, and rips it off.  so im sucking her tits and shes playing with my dick, im trying to get hard when my buddy opens the door, "what the fuck close the door!" i yell.  then her friend opens the door and now im pissed off.  i didnt even stick it in her yet and shes like "i cant do this i have a boyfriend".  great, so i call a cab and shes standing outside with her ripped up shirt.  i thought that was gonna be the end of it but apparently shes dating a dude who i know through a friend and we were supposed to play on the same beer league hockey team this year.  word gets out "i fucked his girl", now im kicked off that team.  last week i went to go watch one of their games and after the bf gets off the ice he runs up the bleachers and clocks me on my fucking eyebrow.  i wanted to push him down the stairs but i mean i feel kind of bad for the dude, i didnt even know they were dating when i did that shit.  anyways, i learnt 2 things from all of this: 1, fat girls are the sluttiest and 2, be secretive when you fuck one, lol

[sultsult]

and the most I ever went through to get laid:

in high school, like 17, me and my friends reconnected with this chick who had gone to our school and left and was now partying like us.. we were all at this party at my friends house and I had been playing a show with my band earlier that night and popped a few percocets. got to the party and started drinking and smoking heavily. get on the "dance floor" in the living room and started dancing with this chick, we had known eachother but never really clicked or talked.. id say she was like a 7 but freaky so like a 7.5... we were basically just dry humping at a certain point and the only ones on the dancefloor so I suggested we go upstairs.. we get up there and things move pretty fast.. we're seemingly about to fuck but I just cant get it up.. she trys and trys for like 10 minutes but I'm completely flaccid.. It was partly the percocet and also the fact that she told me she had a 24 year old russian line cook boyfriend she was aparently cheating on with me..  either way, her fucking friend started banging on the door and demanding they leave... so with my cock still soft we decided to finish up at a later date...

luckily she was having a party at her house a few weeks later.. I made sure to not get too fucked up, but this party kinda sucked.. everyone was watching "velvet goldmine" and some kids were on ecstasy acting like idiots.. once i got drunk enough, this chick busts out some huge cigar and starts puffin.. i'm like "you wana go up stairs?" and she was like "not til i finish this cigar." I guess she had to regulate shit in her house but I wanted to slam.. (this was probably only the third chick i had banged)... finally after like 2 hours we finally get up in her room, but her BFF and gay friend are in there too cause were smoking weed... the BFF gets the picture and leaves, but the fucking gay friend wont leave... I tried everything on him, dropping every hint... finally I convince him to go unclog this piece we were smoking out of and as soon as the fucked leaves, I slam and lock the door... then we FINALLY got down to business, no penis malfunctions, although I couldn't finish and we ended up going for like 45 minutes.. worth it though i guess.

So that's the good story? get the fuck out of here with this shit. Noone wants to hear a boring story about you getting laid for the third time. You picked the wrong type of pathetic and missed the failed part, now leave.

fine i just left the other one

[dolphinstyle.]

fuck sakes

last night i went to niagara falls in a limo with just 2 guys and 10 girls, this one girl was having a beef with the other girls and i cheered her up, shit was going so well. then i told her i like her, and she hugged me for a really really long time\. i should have just started trying ot make out with her in the iddle of the bar but i panicked. a few seconds later she fucking went and talked to some mike vallelly fagget and ruined everything. i was so fucking pissed. she was hot as fuck too i dont know what her problem is. its not like she went home with him or anything she came home with us but she basically avoided me for the rest of the night, it was shitty. i think there is actually something wrong with me

that sounds like an amazing surreal basis for all sorts of amorous adventures

[skate_bored]

anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.

tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.

what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?

haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.

[Stoeipoes]

anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.

tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.

what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?

haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.

Maybe it sucked because I had a condom on and it only got halfway in. Maybe a full anal session soon.

[poopmonkey]

anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.

tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.

what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?

haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.

Maybe it sucked because I had a condom on and it only got halfway in. Maybe a full anal session soon.

see you soon!

[Radgasm]

We then play Mario Carts and she leaves. So disappointing. i didn't even kick her ass in Mario Carts.

The pluralization makes me giggle.

New Years, 2-3 years ago. Bouncing around to some parties, my best friend Jimmy was sober cabing.(As in, lots o weed, zero alcohol)

We end up at a hotel party. We decided to stay, Jimmy starts putting back shots. There's this girl who was DESPERATE for something. Thing is that she's my friends ex, and I try to have some morals haha. 3am and people are passing out. There's a couple in the other bed, so me, jimmy, and this chick are sharing one. She ends up taking off everything but her panties. I was drunk as fuck and jus praying that she would touch my dick, cuz if you don't make the first move, it's ok I guess haha.
 
That didn't happen. The bedtime situation turned into an awkward, half naked chick needing pancakes, but no one wants to cook moment. So... I ended up grabbing her right breast, gave it a good squeeze (out came a giggle) then I reached across her, grabbed Jimmy's hand and put it on the other. Then I stared Jimmy in the eyes, we had a bro-moment.

I know we both weren't into her sober... So I got up, told her how amazing her breasts and ass are, and dragged jimmy outta there. I ended up driving us back home hammered.

Didn't wanna wake up the next day, with too much of a "I'm a douche" taste in my mouth.
Though driving way drunk probably puts me in that category.