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Author Topic: pathetic & failed attempts @ sexual relations  (Read 34429 times)
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Clayton
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« Reply #210 on: February 22, 2011, 10:29:25 AM »

I think I might have told a shortened version of it in some other thread a couple years ago. Seemed appropriate to bring it back for this thread. I've had a lot of pathetic and failed attempts @ sexual relations, but the worst ones I'm definitely not posting.
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« Reply #211 on: February 22, 2011, 10:46:54 AM »

you also conveniently left out the part about you trying to join a frat, which u were rightfully chastised for last tim?
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« Reply #212 on: February 22, 2011, 11:56:16 AM »

If he didn't get in it's like a failed attempt at inevitable homosex, I guess.
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« Reply #213 on: February 22, 2011, 12:16:59 PM »

you also conveniently left out the part about you trying to join a frat, which u were rightfully chastised for last tim?


Broooooo, Tri Lambdas were so bummed off me after that, couldn't get in.
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« Reply #214 on: February 22, 2011, 02:15:19 PM »

I ran into this girl i had a crush on in grade school, (that would never date me) on sunday night. Needless to say,  the tables have turned. She is fat, I have remained the same.
She basically saw me, was like I'm comin' hoem with you tonight, I barfed in my mouth. Got drunk as fuck, and watched some weird dude take her home.
I was absolultly compeltly ok with this. Quality over quanitity.
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« Reply #215 on: February 22, 2011, 04:50:53 PM »

I ran into this girl i had a crush on in grade school, (that would never date me) on sunday night. Needless to say,  the tables have turned. She is fat, I have remained the same.
She basically saw me, was like I'm comin' hoem with you tonight, I barfed in my mouth. Got drunk as fuck, and watched some weird dude take her home.
I was absolultly compeltly ok with this. Quality over quanitity.

its always nice when you run into some chick that wouldn't give you the time of day and the shoe is on the other foot.
i ran into some chick i liked in HS at the airport once.  i was on a business trip so i was all GQ'ed out, suit, tie, the whole kit.  she ran up on me all excited yelling and shit.  she started asking me about how i was and what i had been up to which my reply was, "i've been good, great to see you, i'll call you" and walked away without even looking back.  it felt so good to blow that bitch off, fuck that ho!         

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« Reply #216 on: February 22, 2011, 09:16:29 PM »

A few years back, during one of my first experiences with alcohol at my friend's house while his parents were gone... we ended up having two girls over, which were my friends that I was introducing to him. We all start drinking, and at some point in time we all ended up separating, my friend with the hot chick that I had a crush on and left me sitting with the uglier one, accidentally calling her Mikayla when her name was nothing of the sort, but actually Kayla.

At one point during the alcohol fueled night, I suggested that we explore his parents house, and off we went up the stairs and into the wild blue yonder. We ended up in his parents' pitch black room, where I bumped into something and ended up on the bed. I recall asking her "Where are you" and she responded "right here" to which I stood up, grabbed her and ended up getting her on the bed next to me. We're making out and shit, at this point not caring that this is the ugly friend, not the cute one I had a thing for. Since we were making out, I decided to pull the 'slide hand up her shirt and cop a feel of the boobies before taking the shirt off' move. She promptly stopped my hand's movement at the under-boob area and forced it's retreat, and abruptly stopped making out with me. Being really drunk, I didn't care about how awkward this situation should've been.

I sat up and asked "Not feelin' it?" To which she mumbled something, and I then asked if she wanted to go downstairs and play Super Smash Bros on N64. We did, and I whooped her ass.

Meanwhile, my friend got head from her friend, and later on after I assumed they had all passed out, I got on Slap and posted drunk.

I do believe that the bitch that denied me is now a lesbian, oops.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2011, 09:19:49 PM by Allen. » Logged
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« Reply #217 on: February 23, 2011, 01:23:49 PM »

My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
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« Reply #218 on: February 23, 2011, 01:28:31 PM »

My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
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« Reply #219 on: February 24, 2011, 11:01:20 AM »

hopefully this story makes some sense because i'm all hopped up on goofballs (cough medicine). almost a year to the day i was in this hell called barcelona. before i left a friend of mine told me about how she had this friend who was currently living there and how i should add her to facebook and meet up with her for a drink. so i just go for it, skipped the pokes and everytang and added that lady up.

get to barca, a week passes by and she finally accepts the request. we start chatting a bit and i tell her to wander over to where i'm staying for a few drinks. she agrees and arrives an hour later. i open the door and she's a lot prettier in person then her pictures, by a lot. she also smelled nice and let's be honest that's a deal sealer. the only thing was she brought her room mate along with... who was easily pushing 250-300 pounds of good times.

so we settle, have some drinks and dancer sticks when my room mates start attacking her behemoth pal and things get awkward very quickly. realizing my chance of smooching this lady was minimizing quickly i ask them if they would like to go to their place and finish a bottle of whiskey with me. we wander away and listen to music and drink at their apartment.

the behemoth finally leaves and i have time to finally make a move. i instantly grab the pretty lady to get my make out did which was soon to be interrupted by the foot steps of the returning beast. i had a taste of pretty lady and wanted moar. i quickly came up with the game plan of poker. showed them how to play and told them they would have to take off an article of clothing with each losing hand. the plan, as carried out properly, was to cheat and get the room mate naked first hoping she'd get uncomfy and leave me and soon to be naked pretty lady to be. it was the exact opposite. she is now naked in a room of clothed people and loving it.

the pretty lady joins in and i follow suit. i'm now dancing, drinking, smoking in the nude at some strangers home in spain. my fun came to an abrupt stop when there was a flash of a camera and realized i was being photographed. "don't worry about it, i'm an artist" behemoth told me. so somewhere there's a picture of me dancing with a bottle of whiskey while smoking a cigarette air with my spear of destiny just rocking out in the wind. ANYWAY, she leaves back to the bathroom and i get another chance. we jump at the opportunity, literally, and get right to it on the futon. things are getting pretty intense and then the familiar flash of the camera happens again. she's back. and now taking photos of me and pretty lady going at it.

it took a few minutes for the buzz to wear off to realize how bizarre the situation actually was. i put on my clothes, cleaned up, and politely said my goodbyes. i leave their apartment and try to go through the front door of this dark building when the front door is locked. apparently there's an auto lock on the door past midnight. i am now locked inside a building, in the dark, and can't remember which floor they were on.

i start knocking on random doors, in hopes one of them would be them. a lot of people would answer and yell something about policia out their doors at me. trying to reason with them in english wasn't very useful so i scrambled to find their door. 15 minutes later i finally find it, explain my situation, and get out. the problem then was i had no idea where the fuck i was. getting directions back to macba wasn't any help either seeing how i knew no spanish. so i wandered around for 2 hours with blue balls and worries about dick pix until i finally found my apartment.

i'd do it all again in a second.
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Hercules Rockefeller
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« Reply #220 on: February 24, 2011, 11:17:27 AM »

i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
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« Reply #221 on: February 24, 2011, 12:09:37 PM »

i think i talked to a dozen people there who could speak english, if that. mostly store owners or other skateboarders. no one else had a clue what i was saying.

call what you want but whenever i see your username i think it says staind and it makes me lawl. here's a gnar.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2011, 12:11:20 PM by busey » Logged
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« Reply #222 on: February 24, 2011, 12:29:20 PM »

i dont know if its cuz we look 'merican and people do it on purpose, but way less people spoke english than i expected
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« Reply #223 on: February 24, 2011, 12:34:33 PM »

i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
I live in Spain, recently moved in from Venezuela, which is basically a bilinguist speaking country, around here no one, and i mean no one, can talk proper english.
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« Reply #224 on: February 24, 2011, 12:38:42 PM »

next time you go to barcelona, take rawbertson with you... just make sure there are ladies around; while they may not speak english, they speak the language of love, which happens to be rawbs native language
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« Reply #225 on: February 24, 2011, 01:06:31 PM »

in barca it's pretty easy to to get laid without spending money, in fact I made a girl pay ?20 to pay a room for me in the hostel, otherwise i couldn't get in. 

That's the opposite of this thread so here's another story.

I had a virgin girl, blabla month later blabla, let's fuck, couldn't get it in blabla started crying bla pain blabla, scared of penis, now lesbian.
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« Reply #226 on: February 24, 2011, 01:15:14 PM »

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« Reply #227 on: February 24, 2011, 01:25:46 PM »

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« Reply #228 on: February 24, 2011, 05:25:03 PM »

i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
I live in Spain, recently moved in from Venezuela, which is basically a bilinguist speaking country, around here no one, and i mean no one, can talk proper english.

Do you live in malaga?
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« Reply #229 on: February 24, 2011, 05:38:22 PM »

i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.

yeah i imagine people there are always stoked to have a chat when drunk foreigners knock on their doors in the middle of the night.
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« Reply #230 on: February 24, 2011, 06:00:32 PM »

leave staind alone everyone!
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« Reply #231 on: February 25, 2011, 08:14:29 AM »

i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
I live in Spain, recently moved in from Venezuela, which is basically a bilinguist speaking country, around here no one, and i mean no one, can talk proper english.

Do you live in malaga?
Nope, I live in the islands, the Canary Islands for that matter.
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« Reply #232 on: February 25, 2011, 09:57:28 AM »

i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
I live in Spain, recently moved in from Venezuela, which is basically a bilinguist speaking country, around here no one, and i mean no one, can talk proper english.

Do you live in malaga?
Nope, I live in the islands, the Canary Islands for that matter.


Serious?

My parents are selling up and moving to Fuerteventura, which Island do you live on?

...Should be hitting it up sometime soon.
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« Reply #233 on: February 25, 2011, 10:10:51 AM »

I live in Las Palmas, never been to Fuerteventura though, i heard there are some sick spots. Las Palmas has some sick parks but not too many spots.
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« Reply #234 on: February 25, 2011, 06:37:40 PM »

I live in Las Palmas, never been to Fuerteventura though, i heard there are some sick spots. Las Palmas has some sick parks but not too many spots.

Love Venezuela dude, the women, the hottest women ever!
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« Reply #235 on: February 25, 2011, 10:57:02 PM »

If you're going to clog this thread with your stupid tales of where you live, at least provide an interesting failure at sex in said location.

HS junior year. I had recently broken up with my second serious girlfriend after 6-7 months, and we never had sex. That could probably be a failed attempt as a whole, but I was really into her and wasn't trying to push shit (I had already blown it hard with the first serious gf). So I break it off and she's bummed, I was over it but not apparently as over it as I thought. So I attend a hotel party for this one girl's birthday a few weeks later. I had met her only once before and actually going to the party felt awkward on it's own.

Anyway, I get there and they're all getting smashed or high off illegal substances. I was a tad late. I was a clean guy back in the high school days so I didn't fucks with that kind of stuff. But I was also oblivious to drunk girls who are very "hands-on", if you catch my drift. Right? Well about five minutes in she was grabbing my disco stick. In the middle of the room with twenty or so of her smashed friends around. So a combination of laughter, OHHHHHHHHHH, and "WHIP THAT SHIT OUT BRO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL WANTS A BIRTHDAY SHOWER" emanated from the crowd. I've gone maybe a year without a girl going into my bramble patch, so I'm stoked as fuck but incredibly embarrassed, trying to figure out how we could fuck without two dozen onlookers. A drunken whisper floats into my ear from my penis captor, "I have to go to the bathroom." The bathroommmm. So I whisk my lovely away into the bathroom and lock that fucking door. I drop my pants facing the door and as I turn around to give her the old heave-ho, a blast of puke pummels my now exposed under carriage. I wish I could fight through such an experience and take her to the bone zone (a-la Watson), but I was now about to return her favor. Luckily I scuttle to the sink in time to paint the off-white sink a greenish-orange color. Things seem to have gone south, so I let this girl pass out under the sink as I grab the shower head and rid myself of another's puke. I did a terrible job, but I wanted to get the fuck out. I spray her in the face to wake her up just long enough to tell her I'd love to try again sometime. I'm 17, I'll still smush the girl who vomited on my junk.

Anyway, I excuse myself from the party and venture home. I finally arrive and an actual shower is certainly needed. Moments before I turn the faucet on, my phone rings. It's the ex-girlfriend I never got to sleep with. "I'm outside. Please can we talk?" FUCK. Emptying my can of AXE body spray, I open the front door, nervous as to what she could possibly want. Not a second passes after the door opens that she's in my arms, passionately kissing my neck while trying to say, "Will you stay with me if we make love? I'm ready." The horrific state of my manhood vanished from my mind as I graciously agree and we take our positions on the bed to make some sex. Things run smoothly. Up until she also grabs my disco stick and I remember now that another girl had touched my disco stick that day. I halt everything at once and try to remove myself from the situation. She eagerly fights back, and by the cold hand of fate, or the fact that she must have learned the Vulcan death grip, manages to get my pants off, the boxers being nice enough to follow suit. I can't very well scuttle all that fast, so she manages to get her face close enough and she catches the wave of puke smell that had once been blocked by clothes. She backs away, looks at me, and starts to cry as she yells at me asking what I've done. Unsure of if I was caught or not, I plead random cases of innocence, but she keeps crying so I stop and sit down. She gathers her things and rushes out, and I'm left sitting on my bed, the smell of vomit wafting into my nose. A fine punishment for not boning two girls in one day.
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Hercules Rockefeller
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« Reply #236 on: February 26, 2011, 02:23:37 AM »

i salute you, fine sir.
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« Reply #237 on: February 26, 2011, 06:20:46 AM »

kudos, that WAS pathetic.

and awesome. haha.
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« Reply #238 on: February 26, 2011, 07:48:14 AM »

lose in life = win on slap
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« Reply #239 on: February 28, 2011, 05:35:00 AM »

wow, two massive failures in one day - that sucks. at least the first one was completley her fault
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