pathetic & failed attempts @ sexual relations

[Jyrgenn]

dudes we need more stories! shit is hilarious. I got one too:

about 3 years ago i was at a party with this girl i had been seeing a couple of times, we were both getting pretty drunk so the girl wanted to give me a bj outside. So we get out of the party and go to this alley near the partyplace so no one would disturb. Well things worked fine and i was getting it for a while.
The girl and i lived in different cities like an hour away from the party place, so suddenly the girl freaks and says she's gotta go and catch the final bus home. I was like wtf you can't go now, but couldnt convince her to stay and the girl left



so there i was at a dark alley with a huge boner...alone...fuck

[Alan]

Naturally, you finished the job yourself, right?

[finknoos]

Naturally, you finished the job yourself, right?

or more likley paid a hobo a dollar to do it

[StabMasterArson]

For a while in my old house, we had a couple of strippers living with us. One slept on the couch, and one slept on my roommates cock. They would get off work at 4am and usually still be up at 6 when I went to work. The kept the fridge stocked, other girls comming and going, and if you've ever had a relationship that didnt involve putting money into their g-strings, you'd know that strippers always have the best drugs. So it worked out for a bit. The one that usually slept on the couch started to take a liking to me, she was laying it on rather thick one night, so I decided to give her my best. I was drunk as piss, and probably smelled a bunch of cocaine that night. I lasted forever, I felt like a champ. But then when lasting a while quickly becomes "hurry up and finish", and the shit you put in your body won't let you, it gets bad. So like anybody else, I went to my finishing move. In the standard missionary position, I grabbed her ass and pulled while I pushed forward. Beating it up so bad, I suprised I didn't break her pelvis. That wasn't working too well, but while my hand was back there, I slipped my middle finger in her ass. She yelpped. Almost like a dog does when you accidently step on its foot. She pushed me off and punched me right in the gut. Out of disgust, she yells at me "just because I'm a stripper, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want with me?" So close to finishing, but my night was over, I didn't think that boner would ever die, and the coke wouldnt let me sleep. She just rolled over and called it a night. I thought it was over by then, until she woke me up in the morning rubbing my cock. I wasn't sure if she had forgot that I went for her "cum button", but we ending up banging it out in the morning.

Things got weird after that and it was never the same, I let her crawl in bed with me a few times when she got off work at 4 am, but just became too much. The breaking point was one day I got home and seen one putting her weave on in the living room. What kind of striper gets mad and a finger in the butt? Does it take away from the small amount of dignity they have left?

[Diogenes]

For a while in my old house, we had a couple of strippers living with us. One slept on the couch, and one slept on my roommates cock. They would get off work at 4am and usually still be up at 6 when I went to work. The kept the fridge stocked, other girls comming and going, and if you've ever had a relationship that didnt involve putting money into their g-strings, you'd know that strippers always have the best drugs. So it worked out for a bit. The one that usually slept on the couch started to take a liking to me, she was laying it on rather thick one night, so I decided to give her my best. I was drunk as piss, and probably smelled a bunch of cocaine that night. I lasted forever, I felt like a champ. But then when lasting a while quickly becomes "hurry up and finish", and the shit you put in your body won't let you, it gets bad. So like anybody else, I went to my finishing move. In the standard missionary position, I grabbed her ass and pulled while I pushed forward. Beating it up so bad, I suprised I didn't break her pelvis. That wasn't working too well, but while my hand was back there, I slipped my middle finger in her ass. She yelpped. Almost like a dog does when you accidently step on its foot. She pushed me off and punched me right in the gut. Out of disgust, she yells at me "just because I'm a stripper, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want with me?" So close to finishing, but my night was over, I didn't think that boner would ever die, and the coke wouldnt let me sleep. She just rolled over and called it a night. I thought it was over by then, until she woke me up in the morning rubbing my cock. I wasn't sure if she had forgot that I went for her "cum button", but we ending up banging it out in the morning.

Things got weird after that and it was never the same, I let her crawl in bed with me a few times when she got off work at 4 am, but just became too much. The breaking point was one day I got home and seen one putting her weave on in the living room. What kind of striper gets mad and a finger in the butt? Does it take away from the small amount of dignity they have left?

Oscar Wilde upon rapid fire reaction, once told a woman who had told him he was disgraceful to have been drunk in public:

"I may be drunk, but you shall still be ugly in the morning, whilst I shall be sober" (Paraphrase)

On a slightly less inspired note; I may be drunk, but you sir, shall still be heroic in the morning.

[Joe Pesci]

doesnt sound like much of a failure to me, nor does it sound pathetic. im not sure if i should be hyped on the sickness of the story or disappointed that it did not meet the thread criteria.

[Jyrgenn]

Naturally, you finished the job yourself, right?

or more likley paid a hobo a dollar to do it

Naturally i did! and got back to the party to get wasted.

haha i knew that someone would say something like that, but the place wasnt really that bad.......for wanking behind a dumpster hahaha 

[saucy ragu]

The only time I decided to full on go for the finger in the bum, I asked politely as I  lightly rimmed the hole, "Is it okay if I...?" and she put a finger to my lips and said, "Shh." Bingo, bitch. I put a ginger finger in her butt, then another, and it was incredulous. We fucked that night twice while wathing Elf three times, but the next time I came over, we made out, I ate her out like a drunken McDonald's order, and I got nothing in return. Not even a a light finger stroke. I went hard on that girl for an hour or so, made multiple convulsions erupt under her thin sheath, and wasn't neared upon in the slightest. Fucking cunt.

[Useless Wooden Bench]

For a while in my old house, we had a couple of strippers living with us. One slept on the couch, and one slept on my roommates cock. They would get off work at 4am and usually still be up at 6 when I went to work. The kept the fridge stocked, other girls comming and going, and if you've ever had a relationship that didnt involve putting money into their g-strings, you'd know that strippers always have the best drugs. So it worked out for a bit. The one that usually slept on the couch started to take a liking to me, she was laying it on rather thick one night, so I decided to give her my best. I was drunk as piss, and probably smelled a bunch of cocaine that night. I lasted forever, I felt like a champ. But then when lasting a while quickly becomes "hurry up and finish", and the shit you put in your body won't let you, it gets bad. So like anybody else, I went to my finishing move. In the standard missionary position, I grabbed her ass and pulled while I pushed forward. Beating it up so bad, I suprised I didn't break her pelvis. That wasn't working too well, but while my hand was back there, I slipped my middle finger in her ass. She yelpped. Almost like a dog does when you accidently step on its foot. She pushed me off and punched me right in the gut. Out of disgust, she yells at me "just because I'm a stripper, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want with me?" So close to finishing, but my night was over, I didn't think that boner would ever die, and the coke wouldnt let me sleep. She just rolled over and called it a night. I thought it was over by then, until she woke me up in the morning rubbing my cock. I wasn't sure if she had forgot that I went for her "cum button", but we ending up banging it out in the morning.

Things got weird after that and it was never the same, I let her crawl in bed with me a few times when she got off work at 4 am, but just became too much. The breaking point was one day I got home and seen one putting her weave on in the living room. What kind of striper gets mad and a finger in the butt? Does it take away from the small amount of dignity they have left?

Oscar Wilde Winston Churchill upon rapid fire reaction, once told a woman who had told him he was disgraceful to have been drunk in public:

"I may be drunk, but you shall still be ugly in the morning, whilst I shall be sober" (Paraphrase)

On a slightly less inspired note; I may be drunk, but you sir, shall still be heroic in the morning.

[Diogenes]

For a while in my old house, we had a couple of strippers living with us. One slept on the couch, and one slept on my roommates cock. They would get off work at 4am and usually still be up at 6 when I went to work. The kept the fridge stocked, other girls comming and going, and if you've ever had a relationship that didnt involve putting money into their g-strings, you'd know that strippers always have the best drugs. So it worked out for a bit. The one that usually slept on the couch started to take a liking to me, she was laying it on rather thick one night, so I decided to give her my best. I was drunk as piss, and probably smelled a bunch of cocaine that night. I lasted forever, I felt like a champ. But then when lasting a while quickly becomes "hurry up and finish", and the shit you put in your body won't let you, it gets bad. So like anybody else, I went to my finishing move. In the standard missionary position, I grabbed her ass and pulled while I pushed forward. Beating it up so bad, I suprised I didn't break her pelvis. That wasn't working too well, but while my hand was back there, I slipped my middle finger in her ass. She yelpped. Almost like a dog does when you accidently step on its foot. She pushed me off and punched me right in the gut. Out of disgust, she yells at me "just because I'm a stripper, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want with me?" So close to finishing, but my night was over, I didn't think that boner would ever die, and the coke wouldnt let me sleep. She just rolled over and called it a night. I thought it was over by then, until she woke me up in the morning rubbing my cock. I wasn't sure if she had forgot that I went for her "cum button", but we ending up banging it out in the morning.

Things got weird after that and it was never the same, I let her crawl in bed with me a few times when she got off work at 4 am, but just became too much. The breaking point was one day I got home and seen one putting her weave on in the living room. What kind of striper gets mad and a finger in the butt? Does it take away from the small amount of dignity they have left?

Oscar Wilde Winston Churchill upon rapid fire reaction, once told a woman who had told him he was disgraceful to have been drunk in public:

"I may be drunk, but you shall still be ugly in the morning, whilst I shall be sober" (Paraphrase)

On a slightly less inspired note; I may be drunk, but you sir, shall still be heroic in the morning.

Fuck that

[LesbianPUNCH]

As a joke, I decided to pretend to want to get up into my my gals butthole whilst fornicating, and the joke kind of stuck.  I think I mention her butthole every time we boink.  Anyways, one night we were drunk and fucking out in my homies front yard and we got gnarly into it.  She told me "You can go in behind if you want." And I don't know about you, but an invitation to pound it in the hind quarters doesn't happen every day, so I decided to go for it.  She was wet and ready, so I didn't think getting in there would be a challenge.  I slipped halfway in, and she "yelped like a dog," fell to her knees, and started balling.  And that was that.  She went home crying, and left me outside of my friends house with no ride home.  I stayed the night.  He has hella cats. 

Allergic to cats.

[Lordata]

damn that stinks.
That's kind of crazy, I was traipsing for six week in Euro last summer too. Jet lag both ways was horrible.

[Beer Keg Peg Leg]

damn that stinks.

huehuehuhueheuheueheuheuheue

[Snickers]

It's funny reading all these finger in the ass/anal stories because I was fucking this girl last night that I've been hooking up with here and there, and while I was fucking her from behind, I thought I'd might as well stick a finger in her ass and see how it went. The moment I stuck it my finger in her ass, she quickly reached back and removed it from her rectum. I went along with, and after I finished I wasn't even thinking about my failed attempt at butthole pleasures until she proceeded to lecture me for 10 minutes about respecting my sexual partners. I found that humorous, because she's the same girl who insists that I finish on her face whenever we have sex. So I listened to the first 10 words that came out of her mouth, then immediately tuned her out, got dressed and drove home.

[Hercules Rockefeller]

please tell me that she was wiping your manjuice out of her face while she was lecturing you.

[Snickers]

please tell me that she was wiping your manjuice out of her face while she was lecturing you.

Straight comedy, she started speaking before she wiped herself down. Watching a woman with cum splattered all over her face while trying to tell you how it's not okay to belittle a sex partner by trying to breach her asshole with a thumb was one of the funniest moments of my life.

[Hercules Rockefeller]

please tell me that she was wiping your manjuice out of her face while she was lecturing you.

Straight comedy, she started speaking before she wiped herself down. Watching a woman with cum splattered all over her face while trying to tell you how it's not okay to belittle a sex partner by trying to breach her asshole with a thumb was one of the funniest moments of my life.

"aight baby, i?ll respect you as a person and as woman.


wait, you?ve still got cum in your eyebrows.

there you go, you confident and respected being."

[finknoos]

please tell me that she was wiping your manjuice out of her face while she was lecturing you.

Straight comedy, she started speaking before she wiped herself down. Watching a woman with cum splattered all over her face while trying to tell you how it's not okay to belittle a sex partner by trying to breach her asshole with a thumb was one of the funniest moments of my life.

"aight baby, i?ll respect you as a person and as woman.


wait, you?ve still got cum in your eyebrows.

there you go, you confident and respected being."

pure gold

[nocomply]

^^^hahaha

as for my own contribution to the thread, all I'll say is having a dog blasting pungent farts next to the bed while boning can stop almost any woman from achieving orgasm. I now have to remember to kick the puppy out beforehand when it's time to get buck.

[Bobcrackerlacker]

Okay. Not so pathetic.

There was a rager at my homie Ryan's casa and one of my best lady friends from high school was there. Ive known this girl for about 8 years. I'm sure you know the girl, the one that shares your interests and you can shoot the shit with her for a while with no sexual tension. Just one of those girls.
 So i'm getting hammered and smoking on some weeds and then decide to go in the warm tub (not quite a hot tub because it was in the process of warming up, I was drunk so it didn't matter). She comes out while i'm chilling in there and keeps asking me to get out because she wants to show me something. I said I was enjoying myself and I said to time it on your phone for 5 minutes. So she does and I throw my clothing on, not really sure what's about to happen. We head out through the side gate and head into my car, which is parked in the driveway. About 2 minutes of awkward conversation, I get the unmistakable look of "I really want to make out". So I ask her, "We are gonna make out, arent we?" She replies "yep" and then we go at it. Making out for about 5 minutes I decide to drive around the corner for a little more privacy. I park then she starts rubbing my dong and starts bossing me up. I'm thinking "Alright! a blow-job!" so I start suckling her bosom and fingering her. She comes up and says...
 "ive been waiting so long for this"
 this being the phrase that snapped me out of my drunken stupor and clarity came back to me. I realized she had a boyfriend. She was still persistent and was begging me to fuck her in the back seat. I refused but she still wanted my man meat. So after bossing me up a little more but i had to pull the plug. I know what its like to get cheated on and I don't want anyone to go through that. So we drive back to the house and go back in where everyone seems to know that something just went down. So after that we go back outside and got into her car but she still wouldnt refuse but i had to put my foot down, after about 10 minutes of talking she told me to get the fuck out and she left, with one of my comic books. She texted me the next morning and said she didnt regret what happened but felt awful. I said dont worry about it, im certainly not.
Like i said, not that pathetic but im glad i have a conscience.

[Beer Keg Peg Leg]

no farts? no butthole fingering? no genital warts?

[Bobbito]

I envy you. I clearly have no conscience because the girl I was fucking at the end of the summer and kind of recently actually has had the same boyfriend forever. The way I look at it, I'm the one giving her what he couldn't. It's sleazy, I know, but I'm not seeing much other action so my loneliness makes me want to do it.

[Jack Klompis]

i think that no girl or guy should be completely tied down before the age of like, 23 or so, and so i can understand a girl having to go out and get some other dick, just to see what else is out there, you know, and i totally rationalize with myself that its ok to fuck her.......unless its a homies girl, even if its an ex of his, i wouldn't fuck around like that, because i would feel guilty for sure, but also i don't trust that word wouldn't get out anyway, then i really look like a schmuck to him

but its hard, because obviously i would never be down with a girl of mine fuckin another dude just because she is still "young" or whatever...........but i also really haven't had any interest in having a girlfriend in quite a few years now, an interest in fucking, sure, thats a different story, but i'm not interested in any involvement really, cause that shit is like a second job, can't do your own thing, i just can't entertain a girl full time

[Donkey Lips]

Conscience or no conscience, if a girl has a boyfriend (and he isn't your friend0 and she's intent on fucking you, do it. If you tell her no, odd's are she'll just pick another dude to do the deed. Most girls make up a decision that they're gonna go get it. As for pathetic/failed attempts, the bar has been set too high now.

[finknoos]

Conscience or no conscience, if a girl has a boyfriend (and he isn't your friend0 and she's intent on fucking you, do it. If you tell her no, odd's are she'll just pick another dude to do the deed. Most girls make up a decision that they're gonna go get it. As for pathetic/failed attempts, the bar has been set too high now.

if i was in that situation id just stop as soon as i realised whats going on then tell my mate (her bf) what she tried to do, that way he doesnt get cheated on but he knows his bitch is a cheating ho not worth his time

[Donkey Lips]

Conscience or no conscience, if a girl has a boyfriend (and he isn't your friend0 and she's intent on fucking you, do it. If you tell her no, odd's are she'll just pick another dude to do the deed. Most girls make up a decision that they're gonna go get it. As for pathetic/failed attempts, the bar has been set too high now.

if i was in that situation id just stop as soon as i realised whats going on then tell my mate (her bf) what she tried to do, that way he doesnt get cheated on but he knows his bitch is a cheating ho not worth his time

[H8R part 4]

nothing great but i couldn't get it up in my dream the other day.
i think that might be the first time i failed in a dream. 

[StabMasterArson]

Or more commonly refered to as "nightmares"

[Mackattack]

One night I was chatting online with this older, laregely unattractive asian girl I went to high school with. She was maybe a 4 or 5. I'm easily bored with conversation so I started pushing the dialogue into perverted places. Long story short this girl invites me to her place which is about 45 minutes away, and out of sheer boredom and loneliness ( I had recently broken up with my ex of a few years) I obliged to make the trip.

I arrive at her apartment after deciphering her confusing directions, which was a complete downer/turn off in and of itself, and scaled the stairs to enter her cat urine scented living quarters. Strike one. She had become a cat lady. We exchanged greetings and long time no sees. She immediately turned to procure a bottle of rum from the cabinet at which point I noticed she no longer had the enormous bubble butt I had always fancied. Strike two. The rum was all fine and dandy until her incessant banter lead me to drink myself into complete oblivion. The second she realized I wasn't listening (probably wasn't even coherent) and had consumed three fourths of the handle, she jumped on my lap and delved her tounge deep into the depths of my throat. I halfway came out of my stupor enough to push her head towards my groin. She ripped my pants off with enthusiasm and immediately began sucking my half mass johnson. I wasn't feeling it all that much until she looked up into my eyes with my cock in her mouth, which brought me to full attention. At that moment she swiftly removed her panties and literally made an arial leap onto my dick and subsequently, while bouncing on it, released a series of high pitched screeches and wails. Not sexy screeches and wails, but painful, terrifying, murderous screeches and wails. Seriously, so loud I must have gone into fight or flight mode. I felt like the guy who fucked a monkey and invented AIDS. I was boneing a primate. Strike three. I leaned my head on the back of the couch and turned it away to avoid being deafened by the caucophony of jungle howls, and within seconds I came inside of her. I don't know if I did it out of fear, or just wanting to wash my hands of the incident, but never the less I immediately realized I could have just impregnated this wild creature. She dismounted and I stumbled off to wash my junk in her bathroom sink. Everything smelled like cat piss. I hit my head on the medicine cabinet, and in my drunken delirium, was forced to hold back a bubbling cauldron of vomit.

Upon returning to the living room I saw that she had folded the couch out into a futon style bed and was laying on her side, already half asleep. I hesitantly layed down on my back beside her. She rolled over and whispered in my ear: " If you feel like it later, I want you to fuck me from behind with that big cock. Its bigger than anything im used to..."
She rolled over and went to sleep. Half of me wanted to wake her up and just hate fuck the shit out of her from behind, but at that point I was too drunk to do anything of the sort. I ended up beating off on her leather computer chair and driving the 45 minutes home completely shithoused just to avoid seeing her in the morning. Luckily I didn't fertilize her eggs.

[Beeda Weeda]

sorry, this thread is for people who don't bust a nut. Good story though.