Substitute Teaching with Mr. Szafranski/Emerica Haunted Mansion

Joey: Is he dead?

Max: I dunno. He smells dead.

Joey: Poke 'em.

Max: You poke him!

Joey: Mr...uh...SizzleFranski. Wake up.

Braydon Szafranski: ZzzzZzzz

Max: Wake up! HuH!

Braydon: ....huh wha huh...?

Joey: See? I knew it. It's a bat, Amber. You're so stupid. Why would he have a bacon tattoo on his face?

Amber: Why would he have a bat?!

Joey: Whatever.

Braydon: ...huh...what's going on-

Joey: It's okay, Mr. Sizafranaski, we got what we needed. You can go back to sleep.

Braydon: ..okay...

Amber: No! We are supposed to take our tests today!

Joey: Shut up, Amber!

Amber: You shut up!

Mr. Szafranski: Guhhh...both of you shut up!

Amber: Mister Sizafransees, we are supposed to take our chapter 13 quiz today and those questions are federally m-

Braydon: Sh-sh-sh-shhh shut up, little girl. The quiz will now be one question. Here it is. Who knows what a hangover is? Good. Good. You. Good. For those that do, A for the day. For those that don't, just observe me as I demonstrate. Any questions?

Stewart: Can I go to the bathroom?

Braydon: No.

Amber: But we need to-

Braydon: Don't worry. I'll handle it, sweetie. Next person that talks has detention after class. No. Over the weekend.

Stewart: Mr. Szafranski, can I pleaseeeeeee go to the bathroom! It's an emergency.

Braydon: Alright sure, go ahead...Monday morning after your three day detention.

Stewart: But-

Amber: Can we at least go over the quizzes from yesterday?!

Braydon: Yes, yeah, fine.

Amber: The answers are on your desk.

Braydon: Fine. Um, let's see. Okay. Everyone get out a red pen or whatever.

Jimmy: I don't have a red pen.

Braydon: Use your blood.

Jimmy: ...

Jason: I don't have a red pen either.

Braydon: Use his blood too. If you don't have a red pen, just use Jimmy's blood everyone. The answers are-

Amber: Wait. We can't grade our own papers.

Braydon: Guhhh. Alright. Everyone pass your stupid quizzes to your left. Number 1-

Timmy: What about us? No one sits on our left.

Braydon: Then pass them right.

Jimmy: Then what about us? Who do we pass to?!

Stewart: Can I please go to the bathroom!?

Braydon: That's it. All of you in this row, get A's. Everyone in this row, F's. Everyone in the middle gets a C! Happy now?

Stewart: Noooooooooo.

Jamie: Mr. Sizzlebizzle you can't do that!

Braydon: Mr. Sizzlebizzle can do whatever the fuck he wants! You. Rub my shoulders.

Kimberly: Okay.

Amber: You can't-

Braydon: Yeah. That's good. Little harder. So, what you got going on after this? You need a ride home or...

Amber: Can you please just read out the answers?

Braydon: B,A,B,A,C,C.

Cody: So, number one is Baba CeeCee?

Braydon: What?

Cody: Baba CeeCee freed the slaves?

Braydon: No! That was the answers for the whole test, you retard.

Everyone: ...

Braydon: What?

Cody: WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Braydon: What is he doing?

Max: You called Cody retarded. You can't call Cody retarded.

Joey: He's actually retarded.

Amber: No, he's not!

Cody: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Braydon: Dude, calm down.

Cody: MISTER SIZZLEFRIZZLE CALLED ME RETAAARDEEEDDDDDDD!

Joey: Shouldn'ta done that, dude.

Max: Last time he screamed till he pooped his pants.

Stewart: I'm gonna poop my pants!

Cody: WAAAAAHH WAAAAHHH WEEEEEEAAAAAAAHH.

Braydon: Alright, alright. Shit. You. Rub your big boobs on his head.

Kimberly: What? Is that-

Braydon: NOW!

Kimberly: Ugh. Fine.

Cody: WWAAAAA-oh. Oh. Oooohh.

Braydon: Yeah, yeah. Slower. Like that.

Bell: RINNNNNNGGGGGGGGG

Max: That's the bell.

Joey: Time to go.

Stewart: Thank god.

Braydon: Ah-ah. Not so fast. I know that trick. You just get some girl to fake the sound of a bell before the periods over and everyone walks out. I-

Joey: No, Mr. S, really. That was the bell.

Max: We would only do that to the stupid subs. You're a smart sub.

Braydon: I am?

Max: Yeah, we think you're the coolest. Way cooler than all our other subs.

Joey: You're our favorite!

Braydon: Oh, wow. Thanks guys. Well then, have a good day class.

Everyone: Byeeee.

Braydon: Don't think I forgot about you, loser. You're not going anywhere.

Stewart: ... that's okay. It's probably best I don't get up anyways...

RRIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Braydon: ...was that..?

Stewart: Mhm.

Braydon: Guhhh...this job sucks...should be on tour right now...

Emerica Haunted Mansion

Andrew Reynolds: Morning.

Bryan Herman: Oh. Morning, Drew. Crazy place, huh?

Reynolds: Yeah.

Herman: Any word from Miner?

Reynolds: Not yet.

Herman: Damn...where's breakfast?

Reynolds: There is none.

Herman: What? There's always breakfast, dude.

Reynolds: Braydon's gone, man. That was all him.

Herman: Shit, dude that's right. No more french toast? That shit was so bomb..

Reynolds: Yeah, man. It sucks. Found a bagel though. Put it in the toaster. We got coffee too.

Herman: How'd you get this?

Reynolds: Brought it from home.

Herman: Ha nice, Drew. I heard your OCD kicking in last night.

Reynolds: My OCD?

Herman: Yeah. The tapping on the walls. That wasn't you?

Reynolds: No..

Herman: ...you weren't? Then who was...?

(POP)

Herman: Hoh!

Reynolds: Bagels done.

Herman: Uh, no thanks. I don't like this place man. It's haunted.

Reynolds: Mhm.

Herman: I'm serious. Imma ask the dudes.

Reynolds: Yeah, sure. Morning, Heath. Bagels in the toaster.

Heath: ...

Herman: Hey, Heath. Did you h-

Heath: ...

Herman: Alright, enjoy your bagel.

Reynold: That's probably a "no."

Herman: I still heard something.

Reynolds: Just take it easy, alright? It's early.

Brandon Westgate: Hey, guys. Good Morn-

Herman: The Boss thinks this place is haunted.

Westgate: Ha ha what?

Herman: For real. We heard noises.

Westgate: Uh-huh. Do we have any food?

Reynolds: Heath took the last bagel.

Herman: So, you didn't hear anything?

Westgate: No, I did. I woke up to some yelling, things breaking, bright lights. I just figured it was Heath filming and went back to bed. I mean, I get it, ya know. It's an abandoned old mansion in the middle of nowhere but it's still just a house. That needs new roofing. And plumbing. And maybe a new patio. If I could just-

Herman: Leo. Leo, what about you?

Leo Romero: Huh?

Westgate: Have you noticed anything weird about this place?

Leo: Oh, you mean cause its haunted?

Reynolds: What?

Herman: See!

Westgate: You believe in haunted houses?

Leo: Course I do, dude. Knew it the second we walked into this place. I've stayed in haunted houses before, and trust me, this place is fuckin' haunted.

Reynolds: How?

Leo: Alright. Last night, I woke up to something grunting. Something big. That's when I smelled it. Like a wet bear or something. Then I start feeling it's hot breath on the back of my neck. But right as I go to to turn on the light, there's these sudden bright flashes and there's monsters on my walls. Big red ones with horns and fangs. Then it went dark, I heard the door slam. Turned on the lights and everything was back to normal. No joke.

Westgate: But-

Leo: I know what you're gonna say, "That's like every Emerica trip," right? That's what I thought. But then I realized Ed's not on this tour. And that piano I heard playing last night, I tell ya, haunted as shit.

Herman: You heard a piano too? I thought I dreamed that!

Reynold: No, I remember that.

Westgate: Me too.

Reynolds: Alright, alright. Someone probably just got bored and came down to practice piano...

Everyone: ...

Westgate: Does anyone even play piano?

Leo: Jerry.

Westgate: He does?

Leo: Probably.

Reynolds: Alright, let's go ask him. Everyone follow me upstairs. Stay together.

...

Westgate: Oh, look at these floorboards. I could probably reface these stair risers. New newel post-

Reynolds: This Jerry's room?

Reynolds: Hey, Jerry. You in there?

Jerry: ..yeah. Gimme a couple minutes, would ya?

Reynolds: Sure thing.

Leo: Psh. We don't have time for this.

(POW POW)

Leo: You can jack off later dude. Open the door!

Jerry: Dude. What the f-oh. It's everyone.

Leo: Woah. What happened to your face?

Herm: And your knees and arm?

Jerry: Oh, these? I, like, keep falling through trap doors or whatever.

Reynolds: Trap doors?

Jerry: Yeah. They're, like, everywhere. I went to sit down in that chair, trap door. Walked into my closet, trap door. Went to take a shower-

Westgate: Trap door.

Jerry: No, water was cold. Went to turn it hot, trap door. I get hurt doing everything.

Reynolds: Some of the guys heard noises last night and just wanted to check if everyone was okay.

Jerry: Yeah. I'm fine. What kinda noises?

Leo: Grunting, thumping, something sweaty.

Jerry: I wouldn't know-

Herman: A piano playing by itself.

Jerry: Ohhh, so you think this is a haunted house? Like in Scooby-Doo?

Herman: Yeah! I mean, no! Not like Scooby-Doo.

Leo: Yeah, okay. So...was it you or not?

Jerry: Someone hears a piano playing in the middle of the night and just assumes it was the Asian guy. Is that it?

Leo: Well...yeah...

Herm: ...Was it you..?

Jerry: ...yeah it was me but I don't get what the problem is. I do kinda remember hearing some girl scream but I figured it was Jamie's girlfriend.

Reynolds: Jamie didn't bring his girlfriend.

Jerry: Then who was the girl with him?

Westgate: That was Taylor. He skates for us now.

Jerry: Jamie's girlfriend skates for us?

Herm: Can mine?

Jerry: Yeah, can Herm's?

Reynolds: No. And it's Trevor.

Jerry: Whatever. But if it wasn't them you might wanna check next door. Marquis coulda pulled some chick.

Leo: We'll check it out.

Jerry: Awesome. Come back if you run outta Scooby Snacks.

...

Leo: Open up, dude. We gotta talk to you.

Marquis: ...

Westgate: It's locked.

Reynolds: Marquis, man, open the door. You in there?

Marquis: ....no.

Leo: Open the door, Quis. Quit playin' around.

Marquis: I'm not coming out!

Leo: Why not?

Marquis: I feel fear, man. Right here. The screams, the noises, Braydon's not cooking breakfast-

Leo: Come on, dude. Don't be gay.

Marquis: Have you guys noticed that I'm the only black guy on Emerica?

Leo: Yeah.

Marquis: So have I! And I'm not coming out.

Herm: Dude, what if it's, like, the little girl from the Ring!

Leo: Samara!

Reynolds: It's not the girl from The Ring!

?: OOOWWWWLLLLL. OOOOOOWWWWWWWllll!

Herm: It's the bitch from the ring! Look!!

?: OOOOWWWWWWWWLLLL!!

Reynolds: Wait. Kev, is that you?

Spanky: Oh, hey guys. Didn't see you there. Hey, Drew.

Reynolds: What are you doing?

Leo: What're you wearing?

Spanky: Oh, this. No. I took a shower and I couldn't find anything to dry off so I've just been using this shower curtain. I musta been walking around all night looking for a towel.

Reynolds: Right..

Spanky: What's going on?

Herm: This place is haunted.

Jerry: Or it's Mr. Wickles trying to scare us meddling kids off his cattle farm.

Spanky: Ha ha, well I haven't seen anything. Imma keep looking for a towel. Towelll. TOWEELL. tOWWWLLLLL. tOWLLLLLL.

Reynolds: Hey, Quis. Come on out. It wasn't the girl from the Ring, it was just a wet Spanky in a bath curtain. Everything's cool. Alright. Whose left?

Jerry: Just Jamie and Taylor.

Reynolds: Trevor.

(Knock Knock)

Jamie Tancowny: Hey, guys. Where's breakfast? What's going on?

Leo: It's gone.

Herm: It's haunted.

Jamie: The breakfast?

Leo: No, the house.

Jerry: Or Ma and Pa Skillet want us off their gator farm!

Herm: Dude, shut up! This isn't like Scooby-Doo!

Figgy: Hey, gang. Do you know where there's any food around here? I'm like, starved.

Reynolds: Wait. Where's Collin?

Jamie: Oh, uh. I haven't seen him since last night. We were smoking in the cellar. I left to get some sleep. I never saw him leave...

Herm: What?!

Westgate: We gotta find him.

Jamie: What're you doing?

Leo: I'm callin' Provost, dude. No answer.

Reynolds: Alright, everyone down to the cellar! Jamie, get dressed and meet us downstairs.

Jerry: I know a shortcut! OW FUCK.

Westgate: We'll take the stairs..that needs a new banister. Maybe Red Oak-

Figgy: Can I, like, get any breakfast off one of you guys?

Leo: Braydon didn't make it.

Jamie: Braydon's dead!?

Reynold: No, he just didn't make breakfast. No one's dead.

Leo: Well, 'cept Collin.

Reynolds: Collin's not dead! Someone just needs to go down in the cellar and look for him.

Everyone: ...

Leo: Whose been am for us the longest? Jamie, you go.

Jamie: Fuck you, man. I'm pro.

Leo: Yeah, okay. In Canada.

Jamie: Dude, I'm pro for Zero. For, like, three years now.

Herm: Really, man? Congrats.

Leo: Trevor! We'll get Trevor to do it.

Reynolds: Jerry. Get Trevor.

Jerry: Right. I'll just take this-OW FUCK.

Reynolds: Guhh. Figgy, you do it.

...

Trevor: Hey. What's up, guys?

Leo: Collin might be dead in the cellar and you gotta go find him.

Trevor: What..?

Herm: Yeah, dude.

Leo: Just go, pussy.

Trevor: No, stop! Stop! Shouldn't I get a flashlight or something?

Herm: No time.

Trevor: Lemme go! I'll scream!!

Leo: GOOOOOO.

Trevor: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Everyone: ...

Leo: Now we definitely have to throw him down there.

Herm: Agreed.

Reynolds: Wait! Hold up, I'm getting a call. Probably the caretakers. Hello..?

Westgate: Put it on speaker.

Heath Kirchart: Hey. There wasn't any food so I'm with Collin getting breakfast for the guys. Did you know Braydon made breakfast?

Reynolds: Uh...

Heath: We're on our way back. See you all real soon..

Reynolds: Alright, guys. That was Heath and Collin. They're both fine. They've been gone all morning getting breakfast. Everything's fine.

Herm: Psh. Still say its haunted.

Trevor: Is there anything to eat until they get back?

Reynolds: Yeah, there's a bagel in the kitchen.

Westgate: Wait. I thought you said Heath took it.

Reynolds: He did...

Trevor: I didn't see a bagel in there, guys. It's gone...

Reynolds: ...but he was gone all morning...

Herm: ...I saw him take it...

Reynolds: ...Me too...

Westgate: But if he didn't take it...who did...?

(POP)!

Trevor: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

	Author	Topic: Substitute Teaching with Mr. Szafranski/Emerica Haunted Mansion (Read 992 times)
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