real confessions

[Archie Bunker]

I'm facing an identity crisis.  I moved out of America, to the country where most of my roots lead to.  IMO, middle america is terrible for a young minority growing up.  All my life white folk have looked at me like an alien, but I grew accustomed to it.  As I grew older and started getting into fist fights over it, people stopped saying racist shit to my face.  Even then, my white friends would regularly make stereotypical jokes to my face, and white acquaintances would say stereotypical bullshit behind my back.

Now, I am living in the country that is supposed to be home for me, yet the people here do not accept me as their own.  I can't get a job, and I am very tempted of returning to my old ways of rob cheating and stealing to get money.  The only upside is how easy it is to talk to girls.

Back in middle america I look the same as every other fuckin jap/chink/gook, and over here I apparently look like fuckin peter bici.  What am I to do?  Move to Africa?

[The Poster Formerly Known As Crass]

Where are you at now? And why didnt you move to a different state?

[Archie Bunker]

i'm living in tokyo, and i didn't think that things would have been too different if i moved anywhere else but here or one of the coasts.  It was cheaper for me to move here than new york or a dc suburb.

To be quite frank, i'm very different from the japanese.  The people here love rules and regulations, and i absolutely hate them.  I also don't have very much formal education.  There is literally nobody to relate to over here in terms of upbringing and shit like that

I'm not too into expressing my feelings of disappointment and sadness.  It's pretty hard to type all this shit out for everybody to read.  My own stupidity led me here, I guess it'll send me packin back to the states sometime

[Dark Knight]

i'm living in tokyo, and i didn't think that things would have been too different if i moved anywhere else but here or one of the coasts.?  It was cheaper for me to move here than new york or a dc suburb.

To be quite frank, i'm very different from the japanese.?  The people here love rules and regulations, and i absolutely hate them.?  I also don't have very much formal education.?  There is literally nobody to relate to over here in terms of upbringing and shit like that

I'm not too into expressing my feelings of disappointment and sadness.?  It's pretty hard to type all this shit out for everybody to read.?  My own stupidity led me here, I guess it'll send me packin back to the states sometime

Thing would be totally different from middle America if you just moved to a bigger city, man.  There's a lot more diversity and people could give two fucks if you look different.  Where were you living before?

[The Poster Formerly Known As Crass]

So do you have any family in Japan or are you out there all alone?  I'll be honest, you moved to their country so you're gonna have to adapted regardless if you hate how much they like rules/regulations.

And are you Japanese? I've heard stories about how they can treat other Asians, mainly Koreans, horribly.

[Archie Bunker]

i was living in kansas and the town i was living in is actually kinda cool if you're into small towns but there were just a ridiculous amount of narrow minded people and the frat boy/sorority girl types because of the university.

I'm 3/4 japanese and can speak the language fluently.  I have family in japan but they live on a different island pretty far away.  I think I'm adapting pretty well.  I think I'm just lonely.  Nobody to kick it with and smoke blunts and drink brews with.  Smoking weed is out of the question for as long as im here.

Nobody here particularly treats me like shit, i guess it just kind of hurt that they wouldn't recognize me as a japanese person.  But whatever, by some hand of fate i got a job yesterday so i'm sure i'll start meeting some cool people.  Thanks for the responses

[The Poster Formerly Known As Crass]

Stoked to hear things turned for the better. Go out there and skate, meet some people. To be honest I actual envy you. I've been wanting to make a trip to japan for the longest time. Living there would be a dream.

[Archie Bunker]

well if you do, pm me.  i dont know if you remember but a while back you sent me a couple pairs of pants for free.  the pants ended up being too tight but i didn't forget that nice gesture hahaha

[The Poster Formerly Known As Crass]

Will do. Hopefully I can save up enough by next year. I'll see. Yeah I remember. I dont remember what pants they were lol.

[Frank]

tomorrow i will go to the hospital to get my head checked, like, i think i'm manic-depressive or something.

i've been fucking depressed for quite some time now and i'm sure depression is the right word because all the things i loved one year ago, i started to hate. i even started to hate skating, i'm absolutely disgusted by what used to be my favorite spot because everything there, the people and all that, drives me insane and makes me wanna scream and beat people up, or just hammer my head against the wall until it's numb. but i dont even know why i am so negative about these things.

in the course of the last few weeks, i also had one or two what to me felt like panic attacks. there was this street party, and at some point i looked around and i just froze, heart starts beating faster and i get dizzy and i don't know whats wrong but i was unable to move so i sat there, staring at the bottom. when it got better, i immediately left the scene and felt a bit better.

i think it's manic depression because i used to have times when i was really positive about something like painting or working and then i put my heart into it 100%. i was usually really productive in these times but people been telling me i was also a dick, acting all arrogant, while i was just feeling good and being supermotivated and hyped for something. i generally have problems, to get all my shit done, i usually concentrate on one thing like this and everything else, i don't even persue, like calling friends or family, maintain the household, etc...

i also used to love my job but i'm unable to do it right now(guess what i work in a skateshop) because i hate everything about it, especially the customers. it's strange because i know i shouldn't be dick about so many things there but i just can't handle my behavior anymore.

on top off that, my girl broke up with me and i assume it's because of my shitty mental health the last few months. we had a serious relationship for over two years and she ditched me without a warning or a talk, no chance for me to change her mind. i also have close to zero real friends here who i could talk to, yeah i know a lot of other skaters but these are not my real friends, they are homies, but none of them is as close as needed to trust them with problems like this. my ex and i wanted to go on this trip, i even made a thread about it.
we wanted to go to bilbao. i was so fucked up the other day i was really thinking about suicide and planned to go there, with my dead brothers heritage-money he left me, go out surfing in the sea and possibly drown there so everyone can think its an accident, because i can't surf for shit anyway.

i'm fucking downriver       already stopped smoking weed and drinking alcohol, though it's hard, but it's something that wouldn't be beneficial right now and at least i'm not that far out already.

sorry for the big ass text but sharing these thoughts to you fellow slappers actually helps a bit to get through another night. i really have to get my shit together. it's not even the first time i feel like this, i've been through shit like this at least three times in my life and this is the first time i will do something about it. i am fucking scared of anti-depressants and shit like that, but i can't handle it anymore.

[Cadillac Ranch Dressing]

Keep your head up Frank! I'm sorry about everything that you've been going through, but for real, you'll eventually get through this slump.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

TRY GOING VEGAN. HARE KRSNA.JESUS LOVES YOU.

[KoRnholio8]

@frank: don't be scared about anti-depressants - the emotional imbalance you are dealing with is caused by the chemistry in your brain and anti-depressants are designed to restore that ballance. that said, it will take about a month for you to feel better and at least 6 months for you to regain the chemical ballance in your brain  - after that you can live (normally) without them

also, remember that at this point talking to someone or even a shrink can't really help you - you need those pills.

[Frank]

thanks guys, i appreciate the help!

i'm starting a therapy next week, first time so i really don't know what to expect. everyday is different, today was a pretty good day, though. i noticed i feel a lot more comfortable when i'm with friends and just hanging out, whenever i'm alone right now it gets pretty dark in my head. they are dragging me everywhere, even if i don't want to, they just talk me into doing stuff, which is really cool.

kornholio,

i'm not that afraid of anti-depressants, it's just that i live in germany. over here the usage of these is pretty frowned upon. people act like you're a junkie, everyone says "no matter what, don't take these pills!"

i know it's stupid, i read a lot about it. most people here just don't have any clue whatsoever how they all work anyhow, but they all talk shit about it. people over here think it's like if you feel bad you pop a pill and tell you you're weak when you need anti-depressants to get out of depression. i guess they are all rather uninformed about the subject. it sucks. they all think you just have to do sports or read a lot and it will go away because you forget about your troubles.

anyway, thanks again for the helpful advises.

[KoRnholio8]

I'm from Europe and I'm well aware of the stigma associated with ADs - it simply sucks. Good luck with your recovery!

[j....soy.....]

The fact you can even articulate it is super good frank.  The stigma is bullshit....it's like not getting a cast when your leg is broken.  You have to look out for yourself on this one and listen to the experts.  No shame in getting it checked out...more people should do it....more people should understand it....

[Frank]

i've been through this a few times now. one time they wanted to force me into a clinic. i must admit i never went to a professional, so i'm not even sure if it's manic-depression, but it's the best explanation i have. it's not like i'm proud of it or use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. i really want to get this shit straight. the fact that i know what is fucking wrong with my behavior makes it even worse for me, because i seem to be unable to change it.

i usually moved to another city or something when i was hitting rock bottom, just packing things and starting over. i can't do that all my life. it also always comes back after a year or two since i was 19. that was the first time i was fucking heartbroken over really nothing. and there was always some time right before depression where i would do something almost compulsively, mostly working. i can't say no when i'm at work and someone asks me to do something. last year i was working 60-70 hours a week with three jobs and barely making ends meet. it's because i do a lot of stuff for free and in over time because i usually want to impress the bosses.

i actually started posting here on slap at about the same time depression hit me the hardest. i never thought i would post here, been lurking for ages. i still manage to hide it(EDIT:the depression) from most people. my boss though saw right through the charade. he was suffering from depression, too. he's really supportive and all, at the moment if i feel like i can't work i don't have to. other bosses would have told me to fuck off right away, i guess.

it's superhard now, too, because my girl left. that is really the worst thing to ever happen to me, because she was also my best friend and we had some plans for the future. i still don't know why she left me and she doesn't want any contact right now. that makes me feel like i must have been a terrible person to her at some point. everything was fine, we were finishing plans for vacation and she seemed super hyped on it. last thing she texted me before she came and dumped me was that she loves me. i couldn't reach her for the 3 days in between and i know she was with her mother, who was visiting her. i was super cool with her mother, too. ran into her mother two days ago and was about to trip out. it's all a mess right now. my heads a fucking mess. i'm also paranoid that maybe she's into someone else and shit. doesn't matter anyway now, she's gone, and she already said there's no way she's taking me back.

i was hoping for her support when i try to get rid of my depression, we talked about it, and me being all darkhearted and shit is probably the reason for her leaving. her ex also suffered from severe depression and dumped her in a brutal way, so i guess she was fearing i'd do the same to her. but we were a couple for more than two years, how do you dump someone like this after such a long time? her calling it quits just made everything worse.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diary
A DIARY WILL MAKE WONDERS 4 U

[Frank]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diary
A DIARY WILL MAKE WONDERS 4 U

nothing but gold from you!  seriously, i kind of do that already so i can review if i had a good or bad day.

i also considered doing yoga, but i must say i'd rather skate in my spare time than do yoga. i'm not vegan, but vegetarian.

still, your posts and suggestions have a real positive effect on my mood so keep em coming.

[j....soy.....]

Do both.....

[Frank]

turns out i will be going to some kind of mental institution to get my shit straight. not anything at all like an asylum, because that would fuck me up even more i think. just some kind of thing where i can chill and start a therapy and get my head straight. it's probably starting october and will be going at least until november, so i will be there on my birthday, which sucks. but i'm glad i got something to look forward to. i hope i'll be able to skate there at least a little bit. it's probably the only thing that lightens up my mood nowadays, besides every BRIX SKWIKZ post on here.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

MACACO TARADO (1).3gp	Small | Large

[wuust]

i made an account on a datingsite. more for sheer fun and social experiment. Noticed that all women in my region are fucking ugly!

[Perro Mojado]

i've been through this a few times now. one time they wanted to force me into a clinic. i must admit i never went to a professional, so i'm not even sure if it's manic-depression, but it's the best explanation i have. it's not like i'm proud of it or use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. i really want to get this shit straight. the fact that i know what is fucking wrong with my behavior makes it even worse for me, because i seem to be unable to change it.

i usually moved to another city or something when i was hitting rock bottom, just packing things and starting over. i can't do that all my life. it also always comes back after a year or two since i was 19. that was the first time i was fucking heartbroken over really nothing. and there was always some time right before depression where i would do something almost compulsively, mostly working. i can't say no when i'm at work and someone asks me to do something. last year i was working 60-70 hours a week with three jobs and barely making ends meet. it's because i do a lot of stuff for free and in over time because i usually want to impress the bosses.

i actually started posting here on slap at about the same time depression hit me the hardest. i never thought i would post here, been lurking for ages. i still manage to hide it(EDIT:the depression) from most people. my boss though saw right through the charade. he was suffering from depression, too. he's really supportive and all, at the moment if i feel like i can't work i don't have to. other bosses would have told me to fuck off right away, i guess.

it's superhard now, too, because my girl left. that is really the worst thing to ever happen to me, because she was also my best friend and we had some plans for the future. i still don't know why she left me and she doesn't want any contact right now. that makes me feel like i must have been a terrible person to her at some point. everything was fine, we were finishing plans for vacation and she seemed super hyped on it. last thing she texted me before she came and dumped me was that she loves me. i couldn't reach her for the 3 days in between and i know she was with her mother, who was visiting her. i was super cool with her mother, too. ran into her mother two days ago and was about to trip out. it's all a mess right now. my heads a fucking mess. i'm also paranoid that maybe she's into someone else and shit. doesn't matter anyway now, she's gone, and she already said there's no way she's taking me back.

i was hoping for her support when i try to get rid of my depression, we talked about it, and me being all darkhearted and shit is probably the reason for her leaving. her ex also suffered from severe depression and dumped her in a brutal way, so i guess she was fearing i'd do the same to her. but we were a couple for more than two years, how do you dump someone like this after such a long time? her calling it quits just made everything worse.

hey frank, i know what you are going trough your actions and thoughts remind me alot of mine, one thing that has helped me and im not joking is yoga, it is life changing the change of perspective that it brings.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY
GET A  GUITAR AND PLAY IT
YOU LL FEEL BETTER

[Dr Steve Brule]

The muppets is my new favorite movie

[Bronson]

I?m going through a lot of stuff inside my head and with my therapist. Sorting out childhood traumas and the hurt, fear and anger thats still in me and how it affects my own behavioral patterns. Its really fucking scary but at moments I get a grasp of feeling like a real human being..

[HairyCunt]

i've been through this a few times now. one time they wanted to force me into a clinic. i must admit i never went to a professional, so i'm not even sure if it's manic-depression, but it's the best explanation i have. it's not like i'm proud of it or use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. i really want to get this shit straight. the fact that i know what is fucking wrong with my behavior makes it even worse for me, because i seem to be unable to change it.

i usually moved to another city or something when i was hitting rock bottom, just packing things and starting over. i can't do that all my life. it also always comes back after a year or two since i was 19. that was the first time i was fucking heartbroken over really nothing. and there was always some time right before depression where i would do something almost compulsively, mostly working. i can't say no when i'm at work and someone asks me to do something. last year i was working 60-70 hours a week with three jobs and barely making ends meet. it's because i do a lot of stuff for free and in over time because i usually want to impress the bosses.

i actually started posting here on slap at about the same time depression hit me the hardest. i never thought i would post here, been lurking for ages. i still manage to hide it(EDIT:the depression) from most people. my boss though saw right through the charade. he was suffering from depression, too. he's really supportive and all, at the moment if i feel like i can't work i don't have to. other bosses would have told me to fuck off right away, i guess.

it's superhard now, too, because my girl left. that is really the worst thing to ever happen to me, because she was also my best friend and we had some plans for the future. i still don't know why she left me and she doesn't want any contact right now. that makes me feel like i must have been a terrible person to her at some point. everything was fine, we were finishing plans for vacation and she seemed super hyped on it. last thing she texted me before she came and dumped me was that she loves me. i couldn't reach her for the 3 days in between and i know she was with her mother, who was visiting her. i was super cool with her mother, too. ran into her mother two days ago and was about to trip out. it's all a mess right now. my heads a fucking mess. i'm also paranoid that maybe she's into someone else and shit. doesn't matter anyway now, she's gone, and she already said there's no way she's taking me back.

i was hoping for her support when i try to get rid of my depression, we talked about it, and me being all darkhearted and shit is probably the reason for her leaving. her ex also suffered from severe depression and dumped her in a brutal way, so i guess she was fearing i'd do the same to her. but we were a couple for more than two years, how do you dump someone like this after such a long time? her calling it quits just made everything worse.

You're weak. Depression is a post-industrial construct. The skepticism and stigma around  AD's is justified.  Stop being so self absorbed, try doing something for someone actually in need. You'll be surprised how good you'll feel.  Sorry but you just sound whiney.

[Laban Fetus]

When I was going through middle school and eventually high school my teachers could never quite figure out what was wrong with me.
I was emotionally distant, isolated, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes without drifting off. My parents also noticed this and soon started taking me to electro therapy.
This isn't the type of electro therapy your thinking of... they just put these nodes on my head every week and I'd close my eyes and sit there for 5 minutes.
I still couldn't feel any change in my thought patterns after 2 years so I kept going and eventually everything changed right before I left high school. My sleeping patterns got better, my mind was clear and I started to become more confident... the conclusion to all this is that I felt I'd fucked up my entire school career with nothing to show for it.
I've certainly grown some thicker skin over the years and consider myself a fairly happy person but it still haunts me a bit.

[HairyCunt]

When I was going through middle school and eventually high school my teachers could never quite figure out what was wrong with me.
I was emotionally distant, isolated, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes without drifting off. My parents also noticed this and soon started taking me to electro therapy.
This isn't the type of electro therapy your thinking of... they just put these nodes on my head every week and I'd close my eyes and sit there for 5 minutes.
I still couldn't feel any change in my thought patterns after 2 years so I kept going and eventually everything changed right before I left high school. My sleeping patterns got better, my mind was clear and I started to become more confident... the conclusion to all this is that I felt I'd fucked up my entire school career with nothing to show for it.
I've certainly grown some thicker skin over the years and consider myself a fairly happy person but it still haunts me a bit.

So did they cure your homosexuality or not?