Chairman Marshall: Alright, next up we have a Mr...Antwuan Dixon..huhm...
 
Mrs. Parr: Is something wrong?
 
Marshall: Oh, no.  Alright. Send him in.
 
James Becker: Alright, Todd. I know this looks b-hey.  Woah.  You're not Todd.
 
Marshall: No, I'm not Todd.  I'm Clinton Marshall.  The new chairmen of this committee.
 
Becker: Where's Todd?
 
Marshall: I fired him.  Is this your client?
 
Becker: Uh, yes.
 
Marshall: Good morning, Mr. Dixon.
 
Antwuan: Hey, yo. Good morning.
 
Marshall: Now, Mr. Dixon, I have some questions I would like to ask you right away. It appears you have only been remanded to this penitentiary for a little under a year, but you have had a record of, let's see, 84 parole hearings. All of which have been rejected.
 
Antwaun: Psh. Yeah, I mean, psh, yeah, it's like, psh, some fucking bowlshit-
 
Becker: Mr. Dixon is aware of this elevated figure but he believes, as do I, that his status here needs to be reevaluated.
 
Marshall: Mhm. I see. Well, Mr. Dixon, you are the only prisoner out of 3500 here on this block with a standing appointment every week. I feel like firing someone just looking at that. Although I am aware that you have a habit of coming here, I would like to believe you have just cause for seeing us here today in particular.
 
Antwaun: Psh. Fuck yeah I got just fuckin' cause to be here. Psh. I'm, like, in fuckin' prison or whatever. Like, psh-
 
Becker: -WE believe that there is reason, Councilman Marshall.
 
Antwuan: Yeah, fo' real. I got a real just fuckin' reason. Do you know how expensive weed is in here? Shitt, fuckin-
 
Becker: Let's start by focusing on Antwuan's recent good behavior. In many respects he has been the most compliant inmate in his dorm. Especially as of lately. And we believe that such actions should not go unrewarded.
 
Marshall: Uh-huh. Good behavior. Well, I'm afraid I don't quite understand how beating two CO's unconscious with a stapler during Peaceful Reading Time is considered good behavior.
 
Antwuan: Psh. That fuckin' shit-that shit was like, fuckin' psh nah mean? That shit was not like, my fucking fault or whatever.
 
Marshall: Mhm.  And how's that, Mr. Dixon?
 
Antwaun: Well, fuckin', I gotta read peaceful and shit. And I do. I do. Like, so, I needed a book or whatever. And I wanted Goodnight Moon, ya know, 'cause fuckin-and this bitch nigga here, tell me like, so, that it was checked out or whatever. So ya know, I was like boom boom boom and she was like nah, so, like, shit got buck, man.
 
Marshall: ...So, you went-
 
Antwaun: She was talkin' all low, right? Like, telling me to read Phantom Tollbooth, and I was like, ya know, not fuckin', having that shit. Ya know, 'cause I had fuckin' read that before, like, fuckin', psh, like, twice. So ya know, fuckin' trying to restrain me. Shit. Get two copies of Goodnight Moon, nigga. Won't be a problem.
 
Becker: Mr. Dixon is very passionate about his scholarly pursuits, Councilman. And this is an isolated incident, I assure you.
 
Marshall: Isolated incident. Hm. I'd be inclined to agree with you, Mr. Becker, if it weren't for a similar episode reported not two hours prior. From the looks of it, there was an altercation with one of the guards, involving, let's see...a "taco hat."
 
Becker: Mr. Dixon has a constitutional right to retain any and all clothing that he was wearing while being detained. And, in this case, he was, in fact, wearing a giant sized Taco Bell hat at the time of his arrest. So-
 
Antwuan: This nigga at the gate, like, psh, grabbed my fuckin' my tacohat. MY fuckin' tacohat. And was all like, "boo boo boo" and shit. Wearin' it and shit. So, I was fuckin' faded and shit and like, stomped his face-
 
Marshall: Mr. Dixon. Are you willfully admitting to being high during your parole meeting?
 
Antwuan: Uh. Yes? I dunno. Shit, man. What the fuck else I'm supposed to do? It's prison, man! Fuck. Ain't no rollercoasters to go on and shit.
 
Becker: I know how this must look. Really, Councilman. While Mr. Dixon's record has its fair share of blemishes, I can assure you that his record of community and social services is absolutely exemplary.
 
Marshall: His community service? Mr. Becker, Mr. Dixon is in our facility because he is BANNED from community service.  In any community. On his first day of freeway cleanup, he managed to get all the other inmates high before they left the van. Even the driver. Needless to say he was fired but not before he and the other inmates participated in a three hour jousting match with the Grip N' Grabs.
 
Antwaun: Well, shit. I won the fucking jousting match. And, shit, man. None of them niggas was complainin'.
 
Marshall: And your social service record is equally as appalling. Mrs. Parr. Can you read back the transcript from the Second Chance Tutoring program that Mr. Dixon participated in?
 
Becker: Actually, I don't think that'll be necessary..
 
Marshall: Keep in mind, this took place in a kindergarten class room filled with 3-5 to five year old children. Mrs. Parr.
 
Mrs Parr:
 
"Cindy: Hi mister. What's your name?
 
Antwuan: What, bitch?
 
Cindy: My name's Cindy. What's your name?
 
Antwuan: Antwuan. Whatchu want?
 
Cindy: Can I have the scissors, please? I need to cut my snow man. Wanna see?
 
Antwuan: Nah. These are my fuckin' scissors.
 
Cindy: But-
 
Antwuan: Speak up, cuz! That's right. Bitch-ass nigga my safety scissors, bitch. They green, nigga.
 
Cindy: My-
 
Antwuan: Wanna act like a gangsta, best get in the parking lot nigga. Fuckin' bitch shit tricycle nigga.
 
Mrs. Bearsly: Mr. Dix-
 
Antwuan: Whatchu want? Whatchu want? Tryin' to catch my fade, huh? Tryin' to catch my fade, nigga? These is my fuckin' safety scissors. Psh, shit, like, coming out, like, fuckin' I brought these from home.
 
Mrs. Bearsly: Mr. Dixon. Give her the safety scissors or I'll be forced to-
 
Antwuan: Tryin' to catch my fade nigga, too!?! Fuck this bowlshit. I don't give a fuck! These is my fuckin' scissors. Snip snip my snowman too, bitch. Hurhh hurhh HURH HURHHH. Bitch nigga. Ain't nobody tell me what to do. Fuckin' glue sticks.
 
End Transcript"
 
Marshall: ...
 
Antwaun: ...
 
Becker: My client would like you to know that he doesn't even remember that incident.
 
Antwaun: I fuckin' don't man. Psh. Shit.
 
Marshall: Alright. I think we've heard enough. This meeting is over.
 
Antwaun: Fuckin' what the fuck? What the fuck? I didn't even get to like, fuckin' shit like, when the FUCK am I getting out and shit?
 
Becker: We believe that a little more deliberation is needed to act justly on Mr. Dixon's behalf.
 
Marshall: Mr. Becker. Mr. Dixon. I know that it takes weeks to deliberate and act justly in matters as serious as these. Alot of moving parts. Alot of eye witness testimony. I understand that I can't just render a verdict after a five minute conversation.
 
Becker: So, what's gonna happen?
 
Marshall: Well, he's either gonna get paroled or remain here for the duration of his sentence. It's hard to say. But he's definitely not getting paroled and will remain here for the duration of his sentence.
 
Antwuan: What the fuck?! Why?! Bowlshit nigga, for real, like. Fuck, shit nigga.
 
Marshall: We've heard enough. Get out.
 
Antwuan: But, fuckin' like-
 
Marshall: Now!
 
Antwuan: This is on some fuckin' bowlshit. I better get my motha fuckin' tacohat back, nigga. For real.
 
(Slam!)
 
Marshall: ....huuuhh.
 
Mrs. Parr: Wow.
 
Marshall: I really don't know why he's so upset. His sentence is up in two days anyways. Is there no legal way for us to keep him in here? For the safety of...the world?
 
Mrs. Parr: No. None whatsoever. I mean, unless he does something illegal between now and Tuesday.
 
Marshall: Oh. Well, in that case, better keep that standing appointment open. Case dismissed.

"Bitch-ass nigga my safety scissors, bitch. They green, nigga."

My favourite part. That and the jousting with the grip-n-grab things...

Antwuan: Uh. Yes? I dunno. Shit, man. What the fuck else I'm supposed to do? It's prison, man! Fuck. Ain't no rollercoasters to go on and shit.
HAhahahahahahahahahaha.
this was perfect. i love these.

ha very funny man. maybe try Jereme Rogers at a paternity hearing next.

so much win.

This nigga at the gate, like, psh, grabbed my fuckin' my tacohat. MY fuckin' tacohat. And was all like, "boo boo boo" and shit. Wearin' it and shit. So, I was fuckin' faded and shit and like, stomped his face-

boo boo boo, ahahhaha good work again dude shit's hilarious

Fuckin glue sticks!

+1

This is the point where I couldn't breathe anymore.

Matty T is a fucking winner. That is all.

Mr dixon welcome to ur parole hearing

thank u very much sir. can i leave now?

sure can

thanks fag