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General Discussion => WHATEVER => Topic started by: kentrock on July 20, 2018, 03:14:40 PM

Title: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 20, 2018, 03:14:40 PM
teacher asks the class, who can use the word "before" in a sentence.  DeShawn raises his hand, teacher says, "okay, can you use the word "before" in a sentence?"  DeShawn responds, "two and two be four".
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Betaphenylethylalamine on July 20, 2018, 03:43:28 PM
teacher asks the class, who can use the word "before" in a sentence.  DeShawn raises his hand, teacher says, "okay, can you use the word "before" in a sentence?"  DeShawn responds, "two and two be four".

Can you spell dictate? D...I...c... ok ok ok  can you use it in a sentence? Shawnda, howd my dictate last night?

I'll see myself out
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 20, 2018, 04:09:16 PM
wut do eating pussy and smoking cigarettes have in common?  the closer to the butt you get the worse it tastes.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: I sniff Jim Gagne's butthole all the time on July 20, 2018, 04:16:32 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnsFblWX5cU
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 20, 2018, 05:38:16 PM
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 20, 2018, 05:40:35 PM
How does a Muslim close the door?  Islams it.

Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 20, 2018, 10:17:39 PM
what do you call a group of mexican stoners?  baked beans.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 20, 2018, 10:24:18 PM
There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 20, 2018, 10:29:43 PM
what does a white woman and a tampon have in common?  theyre both stuck up cunts.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 21, 2018, 05:09:30 PM
why is it that bars wont serve you if youre drunk, but mcdonalds continues to serve fat people?
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: behavioralguide on July 21, 2018, 05:17:42 PM
why is it that bars wont serve you if youre drunk, but mcdonalds continues to serve fat people?

that's just a sad observation
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 21, 2018, 05:21:42 PM
i asked a chinese girl for her phone number, "sex! sex! sex! free sex tonight!"  I said, "WOW!"  Her friend said, "she means 666-3629."
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 21, 2018, 05:22:59 PM
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 21, 2018, 05:24:07 PM
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Sad Hippo on July 21, 2018, 06:18:33 PM
(https://media.giphy.com/media/iSxPmDWr97248/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 21, 2018, 07:23:49 PM
i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 21, 2018, 07:25:18 PM
Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, “Listen Barack, I’m getting older and I’m having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?” Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. “Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama.”
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 21, 2018, 07:27:27 PM
What is the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter F
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: shark tits on July 21, 2018, 07:28:24 PM
oh my goodness, you're almost as good as 'bad joke'!
these are terrible but im dying.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 22, 2018, 11:26:59 AM
two gay guys are having sex when the house catches on fire, which one gets out first, the top or bottom?  the bottom, he's already got his shit packed.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: RCB3 on July 22, 2018, 12:48:27 PM
There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says:

"You man the guns, I'll drive."
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: jomeara1 on July 22, 2018, 03:45:44 PM
How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: SodaJerk on July 23, 2018, 05:05:12 AM
So this is just an excuse for kentrock to be racist? Reported.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Alan on July 23, 2018, 05:30:39 AM
So this is just an excuse for kentrock to be racist? Reported.

Don't, butthole sniffer is enjoying himself and he's not racist, so it's all good.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: SodaJerk on July 23, 2018, 07:53:49 AM
So this is just an excuse for kentrock to be racist? Reported.

Don't, butthole sniffer is enjoying himself and he's not racist, so it's all good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Elderly Gentleman on July 23, 2018, 09:37:34 AM
Bear and a Rabbit side by side in the woods taking a shit
Bear to Rabbit:  "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
Rabbit: "No, not at all"

The bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: I sniff Jim Gagne's butthole all the time on July 23, 2018, 01:52:32 PM
roughneck walks into a bar after working in the oil fields all day.
gay man is seated in the back.
roughneck says 'i'm so thirst i could lick the sweat off a cows balls.'
the gay guy goes 'mooo'
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 23, 2018, 08:05:57 PM
what do you call a cheap circumcision?  a rip off.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 23, 2018, 08:08:07 PM
what do a woman's pussy and a chainsaw have in common?  miss by a few inches and youre in deep shit.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 23, 2018, 08:10:26 PM
whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?  acne comes on a boys face after hes 12.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 23, 2018, 08:13:37 PM
what is the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?  a hockey player showers after 3 periods.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 23, 2018, 08:26:49 PM
SodaJerk's first high school football game was a lot like the first time he had sex.  He was bloody and sore at the end, but at least his dad came.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 23, 2018, 09:40:49 PM
how do you tell if a hippie chick is on the rag?  she's only got one sock.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 24, 2018, 02:36:49 PM
how do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?  tell them you cant cum.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 24, 2018, 02:40:25 PM
what do you call a masturbating cow?   beef stroke-n-off
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: jomeara1 on July 24, 2018, 04:48:18 PM
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 24, 2018, 04:52:49 PM
what do you call kids born in whorehouses?  brothel sprouts.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: pugmaster on July 24, 2018, 04:57:00 PM
What do a chainsaw and a woman's pussy have in common? TEETH. SHARP TEETH.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: jomeara1 on July 24, 2018, 05:04:32 PM
What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: CRAILFISH TO REVERT on July 24, 2018, 05:17:07 PM
it's so hot, I actually saw a tweaker putting copper back inside an air conditioner.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 25, 2018, 05:02:52 PM
two condoms are walking down the street at night and they see a gay bar. one condom turns to the other and says, "hey, you wanna go get shitfaced?"
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 25, 2018, 05:05:02 PM
why do gays know so much about clothes? they spent the first decade or two of their lives in the closet.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 25, 2018, 05:09:15 PM
what happened to the asian who walked into a wall with a boner?  he hit his nose.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 25, 2018, 05:10:50 PM
one day in the locker room, Bob sees a fat man with a cork in his ass. curious, he asks the fat man how it got there. "well," says the fat man, "i was walking along the beach when i tripped over a lamp. there was a puff of smoke and this great magnificent guy in a turban came rolling out, it said, i am a genie. for releasing me i can grant you one wish? And i said, 'No shit!'"
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 25, 2018, 07:10:51 PM
what do you call a bisexual person that is not in a relationship?  all bi myself.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 25, 2018, 07:15:00 PM
why does the bride always wear white?  because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 25, 2018, 08:11:02 PM
how do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?  call her and tell her about it.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on July 31, 2018, 08:40:55 PM
what's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
with anal sex you can brown your meat without actually cooking it.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: j....soy..... on July 31, 2018, 11:17:23 PM
What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.....
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: behavioralguide on August 01, 2018, 01:44:03 AM
So I was out drinking at my local the other night and this jewish girl comes up and asks for my number,

I told her "We use names around here."
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: johnes on August 03, 2018, 07:45:46 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road carrying a bible?
-
He was going to churches
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Skate_lurker_Rob on August 03, 2018, 11:03:41 AM
Not really jokes but some good zipzaps for when you want to put someone in their place
You are the poster child for abortion......
You're are as useful as Anne Frank's drumkit...
What do you use for contraceptives, Your personality?
Somewhere out there, is a tree that produces oxygen just so you can breathe, go and apologize to it.
I hope you outlive your children, so biting and harsh that it can be used in conversation
I'd call you a cunt, but you lack both the depth and the warmth.

feel free to add your best I stole some but gladly would love to hear some more.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Skate_lurker_Rob on August 03, 2018, 11:13:54 AM
You're a failed abortion whose birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: dirtyweemidden on August 03, 2018, 02:05:05 PM
tragic.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 05, 2018, 05:16:16 PM
 what's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? a $100 bill!
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Skate_lurker_Rob on August 05, 2018, 06:26:56 PM
Your family's semen is tainted with moonshine, inbreeding, and shame.....
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on August 05, 2018, 06:57:16 PM
You're a failed abortion whose birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory
aw man
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 05, 2018, 08:21:50 PM
what did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?  how are we supposed to find an egg in all of this shit?
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 10, 2018, 01:19:15 AM
why is a woman's pussy like a public restroom?  they both feel good, but you wonder who has been there before you

Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 10, 2018, 01:20:32 AM
what do you call the useless flesh that surrounds a vagina?  the woman

Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: JB on August 10, 2018, 04:48:11 AM
what do you call the worst thread on slap?
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 10, 2018, 08:30:35 PM
Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 10, 2018, 08:32:28 PM
A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 11, 2018, 08:13:32 PM
Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks for a bit and replies, "Go to your older sister and ask her if she would suck a guys dick. Then ask her if she would do it for a million dollars. Then go to your younger sister and ask her the same two questions. Write down their answers and bring it back to me." Johnny says, "Okay," and runs off to find his older sister. He asks her the first question and she responds, "Maybe, if I like him." "Would you do it for a million dollars?" She replies, "Hell yes!" He finds the younger sister and asks her the same questions. Her first reply was "Eeeew, no!" but the second answer was "Yeah, sure." Johnny writes down their answers and takes them back to his father. The father looks over them and replies, "There you go." Johnny asks, "What do you mean?" The father says, "Well in theory we have two million dollars, but in reality we have two cocksuckers."
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Betaphenylethylalamine on August 12, 2018, 09:57:16 AM
Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks for a bit and replies, "Go to your older sister and ask her if she would suck a guys dick. Then ask her if she would do it for a million dollars. Then go to your younger sister and ask her the same two questions. Write down their answers and bring it back to me." Johnny says, "Okay," and runs off to find his older sister. He asks her the first question and she responds, "Maybe, if I like him." "Would you do it for a million dollars?" She replies, "Hell yes!" He finds the younger sister and asks her the same questions. Her first reply was "Eeeew, no!" but the second answer was "Yeah, sure." Johnny writes down their answers and takes them back to his father. The father looks over them and replies, "There you go." Johnny asks, "What do you mean?" The father says, "Well in theory we have two million dollars, but in reality we have two cocksuckers."

That's a fucked up joke but I did laugh.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: dirtyweemidden on August 12, 2018, 10:24:18 AM
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors today,
thats a job i can really see myself doing.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: dirtyweemidden on August 12, 2018, 10:25:55 AM
i also applied for a farm hand position, in the interview the farmer asked if i had ever Shoe'd a horse before.
I said 'No, but I once told a Donkey to fuck off'


#moredadjokesplease
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: jomeara1 on August 12, 2018, 11:41:23 AM
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

Two. One to eat it and one to watch out for cars.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 12, 2018, 10:46:21 PM
Girl: Hey wanna know what gets my pussy wet?
Boy: what? ;)
Girl: Toilet water when I shit out a small whale.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 12, 2018, 10:50:55 PM
What do you get when you take two hookers to Red Lobster? 10% off for bringing your own crabs.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on August 13, 2018, 12:08:17 PM
That’s not even a real promotion.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: dirtyweemidden on August 13, 2018, 02:00:08 PM
What do you get when you take two hookers to Red Lobster? 10% off for bringing your own crabs.


Please stop
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on August 15, 2018, 05:55:18 PM
Anal sex is like your first car - you dont really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: I sniff Jim Gagne's butthole all the time on August 15, 2018, 09:13:47 PM
a lot of people talk about jerking off to the sears catalog but back in my day you had to actually go to sears and jerk off
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Joe Pesci on August 16, 2018, 12:01:37 AM
I'm a fan of jokes with serious punchlines, a lot of them suck but when done right they can be pretty good. I imagine Dwight from The Office saying them

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: tura on August 16, 2018, 02:00:41 AM
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: Jollyoli on August 16, 2018, 03:09:18 AM

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Why was eight afraid of seven?

Seven was a registered six offender.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: ChuckRamone on August 16, 2018, 10:27:28 AM
Q: ?

A: .
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on August 16, 2018, 04:34:50 PM
What's worse than a van full of dead babies?


One of them could've grown up to cure cancer :'(
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on August 16, 2018, 04:36:39 PM
Fuckin libs
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: straight on August 16, 2018, 04:52:34 PM

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Why was eight afraid of seven?

Seven was a registered six offender.

why was 67 afraid of 68 .. cuz 68 69’d 70
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: ChuckRamone on August 16, 2018, 07:35:42 PM
Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Delivery person.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: behavioralguide on August 17, 2018, 05:00:45 AM
what did the kid with no arms or legs get for christmas?

asthma attack
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on September 02, 2018, 09:39:00 PM
I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday, then I probably had the biggest vowel movement ever.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: dirtyweemidden on September 03, 2018, 12:33:01 AM
I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday, then I probably had the biggest vowel movement ever.

that the first joke youve posted that is almost funy! good work
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on September 03, 2018, 01:32:26 PM
Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at a nursing home.
Title: Re: Joke thread
Post by: kentrock on September 07, 2018, 07:02:58 PM
Q: What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?
A: Well hung.