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General Discussion => Classic SLAP => Topic started by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 12:43:08 AM

Title: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 12:43:08 AM
do you look at the paper after you wipe?

don't you?

hey slap. what's the deal?

i used to do this when i first learned how to wipe. but then like several years later, i figured that there was no point in doing it anymore. a while ago this guy i know was talking about how he had to take a shit in a dark bathroom with no light on and how it was impossible for him because he couldn't look at the paper after he wiped. what do you need to look at the paper for? it's going to be shit every time.

how many of you look at the paper after wiping?
also, do you guys fold the paper when you wipe?
i just kind of roll it into a ball and wipe it like that.
also i read that some of you wipe standing up.
i personally wipe sitting down because that way my butt cheeks are spread out wider and there is easier access.


how do you guys wipe your butts?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 05, 2008, 12:53:18 AM
alright mate. you always look at the paper, just to see what the fuck your shitting out of your hole. what if it was a bug or a quarter. you'd be a wiser and richer person, fact. you always get naked from belly button to toe. always. well, actually socks are okay depending on your situation. this way while you're taking a shit you can spread it out very eagle like. everytime you feel like somethings gonna fall out of your ass you imagine mike mo doing a tre flip, and you reenact it. BAM. tre shit. BAM. three shitxy tre flip. unless you're an eco friendly fairy from portland, dont even worry about rationing your paper. abuse it like Bob dylan has been abusing his legacy since the 80s. don't look back or think twice, it's alright. and you always stand up to wipe, it's just good ethic quality. the precision by doing this is undeniable if you take my advice here: left hand grabs left butt cheek. left hand then pulls outwards to the left, exposing the asshole much more than if you were sitting on some pussy ass toilet. right hand gets real fierce and cleans the doo off your doo. thus making a positively undeniable sheet of doodoo and a clean ass that is still intact. now if you are on mescaline during this process. do everything i've said in this paragraph backwards. and it will blow your fucking mind.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: brooklyn brawler on June 05, 2008, 01:09:44 AM
Jesus. I'd have never answered that well.


I just kinda pat the asshole like a little kitten's nose.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: damian on June 05, 2008, 01:12:51 AM
of course you look, you need to inspect your work. would you want your repair man to not inspect his work, and just tell you to take his word for it? can you truly be trusted, larry? relax your glutes, in order to not squeeze off a shit too early, a catalyst for a struggling wipe. precision wiping, like the bull technique of the zulu tribes (please do not just thrust that paper through your ass, discomforting said ass, what is the rush?). a shit is a time for reflection, and regrouping.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bentmode on June 05, 2008, 01:15:21 AM
wipe from back to front 2 squares at a time. check when it feels right.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: mikefork on June 05, 2008, 03:51:48 AM
back to front?
that's just asking to get it all over your nuts afterwards
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Broken Dreams on June 05, 2008, 04:00:53 AM
 you look at the paper to see if you need to wipe more, if the shit is kind of faded, then just wipe once more and your good to go.

 i dont wipe while sitting down because i want to get away from my shit after im done.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bbk on June 05, 2008, 04:08:55 AM
standing up to wipe? that's fucked! I sit down and lean forward

I check every once in awhile, like the first one to see what's goin on, then a few paper later to see the progressionand when it feels done I check every paper 'til it's all gone to make sure there's nothing left

Rolling the paper into a ball sounds wierd too, and actually wiping? wouldn't the poo just get spread out and what not? like mike said, you'd get it on your balls and stuff? I just press gently...
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Broken Dreams on June 05, 2008, 04:10:43 AM
I just press gently...

 fuck.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Mackattack on June 05, 2008, 04:38:58 AM
Ive always wondered how blind people know when they are done wiping?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Mackattack on June 05, 2008, 04:42:20 AM
maybe a family member or close friend follows them in there to spot them?

or the seeing eye dog does the honor?

they say dogs mouths are clean
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kevbo999 on June 05, 2008, 05:28:30 AM
you look at the paper to see if you need to wipe more, if the shit is kind of faded, then just wipe once more and your good to go.

But it fucking blows my mind people wipe standing up.  Don't you have any ass hair?  Why would you stand up and squeeze your shitty cheeks together?  That's asking for willnots, or theygos, or whatever else you may refer to that shit as.  You get maximum exposure sitting down.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Star Whores Episode I: The Fellatio Menace on June 05, 2008, 05:50:57 AM
the second i clicked into this thread, I had to take a shit
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Broken Dreams on June 05, 2008, 05:57:30 AM
you look at the paper to see if you need to wipe more, if the shit is kind of faded, then just wipe once more and your good to go.

But it fucking blows my mind people wipe standing up.  Don't you have any ass hair?  Why would you stand up and squeeze your shitty cheeks together?  That's asking for willnots, or theygos, or whatever else you may refer to that shit as.  You get maximum exposure sitting down.

 you don't really stand up straight, you just get your ass away from the shit you just took to give your hand some room to wipe. you don't squish together your ass cheeks at all.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ahlee on June 05, 2008, 06:06:28 AM
i gave up shitting, i just fart them out.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sony MDR V2 headphones on June 05, 2008, 06:11:33 AM

how many of you look at the paper after wiping?

*raises hand* so i know what the fuck is coming out of my body. I've had everything from lagoon green to 100% blood red stained paper. There's no point in not looking.

also, do you guys fold the paper when you wipe?

yes, and wipe again with it folded to get the rest. when there is no more visible shit on the paper. I'm done.

also i read that some of you wipe standing up.

I didn't post that, but that's a definite must for me. all bent over with my back arched and shit. very undignified.

and kev, just spread em apart man.




Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 06:27:39 AM
holy shit. i never knew it was a general consensus that everyone looks at the paper after they wipe. i kind of just know when i'm done by the way the toilet paper feels on my butt. if it feels dry than i just get up and go. i mean i usually just look in the bowl when i'm done. that way i know what i just did. maybe i should start looking at the paper like the rest of you guys? i will always wipe sitting down though. its just more comfortable for me that way and i'm already used to it. what if i stand up and the back of my shirt gets all on my shitty butt. then what? unless of course i get fully undressed. but that just seems like too much of a hassle. how many wipes do you guys take? for me it's about 3 on average. on those really sticky days i can use 4 or 5 though.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Prison Wallet on June 05, 2008, 06:33:10 AM
Standing up, one foot up on the seat if I need to get serious.  >:(

How the hell do you not look? You need to know what you're dealing with. If I'm in a public restroom and it's really bad I'll do a preliminary wipe, go out and get a few wet paper towels, then come back and bat clean up. Then freshen up with one more round of dry toilet paper.

But 99% of the time I shit right after my morning coffee and then take a shower. Sudsy shampoo does wonders in the old crack.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sony MDR V2 headphones on June 05, 2008, 06:37:17 AM
Sudsy shampoo does wonders in the old crack.

more like, stings it into oblivion.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: beeda weeda on June 05, 2008, 06:49:26 AM
wipe from back to front 2 squares at a time. check when it feels right.

back to front is just asking for trouble, you'll end up with shit in yoru chode and nut hair, andtwo quares? I need a little more hand protection than that.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Cthulhu! on June 05, 2008, 07:04:38 AM
how many wipes do you guys take? for me it's about 3 on average.
You don't look and wipe only 3 times?! Thats so crazy, there has to be shit left. I wipe countless times. Wiping standing up thats a new one. That concept is alien to me, I just sit down. I don't remove clothing either. I just get two squares and fold them over. Everyone I know does it like this. This is so weird to me. Good thread through, I would have never known.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 07:10:01 AM
2 squares? what? i wouldn't even blow my nose with two squares.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Prison Wallet on June 05, 2008, 07:26:51 AM
Sudsy shampoo does wonders in the old crack.
more like, stings it into oblivion.
Seriously? It's my daily routine and I've never felt the sting. Do you have open soars back there or something?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Garfield on June 05, 2008, 08:10:37 AM
Show me Jon's tie wardrobe, and I'll show you my collection of flamboyant toilet paper.   
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Choad Muskrat on June 05, 2008, 08:16:00 AM
You gotta look, how are you gonna know your status. The less shittier the paper, the cleaner your ass. I only stop wiping when theres no shit left, so sometimes I'll go through mad TP, if I have to flush twice, 3 times to avoid clogage so be it.

Also, I don't understand you sitting down wipers, do you just lean on one butt cheek and wipe your ass like you would change a tire with a car jack?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: camel filters on June 05, 2008, 08:19:47 AM
does anybody else frequently think theyre done wiping only to shit once more?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Choad Muskrat on June 05, 2008, 08:33:29 AM
Thats the worst. It usually happens when the log breaks off halfway. Then you think your done, but the wiping only irritated that second piece of turd and now it wants out! But you already pulled your pants up. Decisions, Decisions.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Bipsmound on June 05, 2008, 08:57:34 AM
Good thread. 

I don't know if it's true, but I heard in some middle eastern cultures, they'll only wipe with the hand that they don't use for shaking hands.  In one way that seems incredibly civilized, but on the other hand, washing your hands is just as legit.

Also, I hate that toilet paper commercial where the bear goes to hike the ball to papa quarterback and he's got the mad TP dingleberries and the dad is like DAMMMMNNN!  Get you on the charmin program, holmes.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 09:05:09 AM
imagine having to wipe your butt with your left hand (or right hand for some of you). that seems like it would be incredibly difficult.

i can't wait till my next shit.
i think i'm going to take off all my clothes, stand up, spread my butt cheeks, wipe with my left hand, and look at the paper before i flush.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Bipsmound on June 05, 2008, 09:07:56 AM
You should probably light a couple candles for mood too.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: StabMasterArson on June 05, 2008, 09:16:13 AM
remember when Big brother made fun of Lutzka for wraping the toilet paper around his hand like a glove? He should just use all his 2nd and 3rd place trophies, you know he hates them anyways.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sony MDR V2 headphones on June 05, 2008, 09:16:53 AM
imagine having to wipe your butt with your left hand (or right hand for some of you). that seems like it would be incredibly difficult.

i can't wait till my next shit.
i think i'm going to take off all my clothes, stand up, spread my butt cheeks, wipe with my left hand, and look at the paper before i flush.

Everyone on slap is backing you.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: nocomply on June 05, 2008, 09:18:11 AM
I've wanted to start a thread like this for a while. Anyway...

Back-to-front is't a big deal if you lift your balls up and out of the way.

also, I fold the paper... my old roomates acted like I was a retard for folding the tp. they said that they just grab a bunch of paper, crumple, and wipe.  this just doesn't sound effective to me. I've always wondered what the ratio of folders vs. crumplers was.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: jrock on June 05, 2008, 09:21:05 AM
folder here....
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Ronald Wilson Reagan on June 05, 2008, 09:48:20 AM
You gotta look when you wipe so you know how you are doing.
I stand up when I wipe, and have had this conversation before. I can see sitting down, but it seems sketchy to blindly stick your hand near a pool of water that is filled with shit. Also, I am left handed, and often times the tp dispenser is on the right, I got used to standing up to grab some with my left paw.
Interesting though, nobody brought up dingleberry prevention in my last convo. Good point!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 05, 2008, 09:59:15 AM
i get three squares, fold. wipe. fold over. wipe. looking after each wipe. sitting down.

also, i try to shit before i pee so i dont get a cold piss splash on my anus when i pinch off a large one.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Ronald Wilson Reagan on June 05, 2008, 10:10:55 AM
ewww. Why do people keep saying they use the same piece multiple times? I don't care if its clean in one spot, once it is covered in my shit anywhere, I drop it off asap. If you got extra clean space on the paper, you are using too much in one wipe.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Snarf on June 05, 2008, 10:18:08 AM
I don't know if it's true, but I heard in some middle eastern cultures, they'll only wipe with the hand that they don't use for shaking hands.  In one way that seems incredibly civilized, but on the other hand, washing your hands is just as legit.

I think they eat with the right and wipe with the left. And back in the day when someone was caught stealing they would cut off the right hand so they would have to eat with the shit hand.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: frisco on June 05, 2008, 10:20:50 AM
the most gnarly thing is when you do your last strong pinch to get everything out and theres one little bastard that completley fucks up your system down there.

it is the messiest thing, one time it happened and i just said fuck this and didnt go to class, took a shower instead, my asshole is hairy.

i never really stood up until about a month or two ago, but ive been looking for about 3 years, i always thought it was wierd though i never knew if anyone else did.

thats why slap is so legit, unanswered questions get answered (why does the spelling of that looks so wierd)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Ronald Wilson Reagan on June 05, 2008, 10:33:14 AM
Showers are amazing for those afflicted with a hairy ass.

I read a Carnie article in Big Brother where he said nairing his ass worked good for the wiping, but the itching and burning were more than he could handle when it grew back in. Still, I kinda want to try it just to relive my youth of clean breaks.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 05, 2008, 10:36:48 AM
in the shitting game, finesse is irrelevant. it's all about what you can do to get the doo out of your system, without a single trace left behind. when you're behind closed doors, going helter skelter on that ass is a must. you can't come out repping the doo on your anus, it's uncomfortable and just plain wrong. you can't go wrong with my flawless steps. also if you're out at night, drunk as a whistle and have no bathroom, don't even think about squatting behind a bush. go to the nearest pole put your hands on it then pull up and wrap the legs around it. there is a 100 percent chance that your shit will stay away from your shoes and your legs. i can't promote the sexiness of this art but the accuracy is as admirable as admiral can get.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: mikefork on June 05, 2008, 10:46:26 AM
would it be wrong to post a picture of one of my dumps?

Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 05, 2008, 10:49:24 AM
if it's a generic shit, don't bother. but if it comes out looking like kathy griffin or maybe wanda sykes, then i'm all for posting a picture of it.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: frisco on June 05, 2008, 10:51:28 AM
in the shitting game, finesse is irrelevant. it's all about what you can do to get the doo out of your system, without a single trace left behind. when you're behind closed doors, going helter skelter on that ass is a must. you can't come out repping the doo on your anus, it's uncomfortable and just plain wrong. you can't go wrong with my flawless steps. also if you're out at night, drunk as a whistle and have no bathroom, don't even think about squatting behind a bush. go to the nearest pole put your hands on it then pull up and wrap the legs around it. there is a 100 percent chance that your shit will stay away from your shoes and your legs. i can't promote the sexiness of this art but the accuracy is as admirable as admiral can get.

hahaha i pictures someone doing this and laughed so hard
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on June 05, 2008, 11:00:13 AM
I've discussed my techniques here before so I pose a question instead:
Do you sit down wipers go between the legs as if you had a vagina instead of a cock and balls or do you go around the backside?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bizarro gub on June 05, 2008, 11:01:11 AM
ewww. Why do people keep saying they use the same piece multiple times? I don't care if its clean in one spot, once it is covered in my shit anywhere, I drop it off asap. If you got extra clean space on the paper, you are using too much in one wipe.

were in a recession gipper, as much tp needs to be conserved as possible.

with that said lets talk about the hungover shit and the "wet wipe"
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: mikefork on June 05, 2008, 11:01:52 AM
if it's a generic shit, don't bother. but if it comes out looking like kathy griffin or maybe wanda sykes, then i'm all for posting a picture of it.
well, i had to hold it in for a few hours while i was at school once. i ran home as fast as i could, but i made sure to weigh myuself before i took it. i bomb dropped into the bowl and went to wipe, but it was a no wiper. i gave it a second safety wipe and there was still nothing. i weighed myself after and i weighed 4.2 pounds less than before. half of it went into the hole in the toilet, but from what was floating there i could tell that it was no joke. the underside of it kind of looked gray and slimey while the rest looked like a rocket ship that entered the atmosphere and almost didn't make it because the sides of the ship started to come off. i'm not sure if the scaled picture will give you the detail that i described
i'll post it later since imageshack isn't working for me right now
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 05, 2008, 11:03:31 AM
tinypic.com, i want to see this sucker.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: H8R part 4 on June 05, 2008, 11:05:40 AM
this thread is awesome!

yes i look after wiping so i know if i need to wipe again.  sometimes you get that never ending wipe, nah mean.
sometimes you get blessed with the 1 wiper but i still throw in an extra wipe just incase it was a fluke.   
i use at least 20 squares and ball it up to make sure my fingers don't break through the TP and end up getting shit on my hands.
i usually wipe sitting down but standing up depends on how explosive the shit is. 

and yes, sometimes theres blood on the TP after i wipe.  i don't know why but i guess its from wiping too hard and pulling out some of your ass hairs?   
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: mikefork on June 05, 2008, 11:15:27 AM
tinypic.com, i want to see this sucker.
that didn't work for me either, so i had to upload it on myspace. it doesn't look like much now, but it was huge. it was also really wide
(http://a334.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/53/l_4168d04c272b47d0346e61cedb84b095.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 05, 2008, 11:16:47 AM
holy shit, that looks like daffy duck.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: damian on June 05, 2008, 11:28:23 AM
how would you describe your daily intake of fiber, michael?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: mikefork on June 05, 2008, 11:37:03 AM
well, i eat a lot of banana's early in the day which holds it in, but i also eat a lot of apples afterwards and they push it all out. everything else varies
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dudebro on June 05, 2008, 11:40:20 AM
kilgore- you're making me laugh out loud.

ever have to take a shit while you're showering and you have to wipe a wet ass? its pretty hard to do because the tp just gets stuck to your wet cheeks. its a real bitch.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: damian on June 05, 2008, 11:43:48 AM
pretty good fiber regiment. apples will do that for you. try a game that involves everyone skateboarding with you to drink a 64 oz. apple juice blend (not cocktail), and just have the normal skate around the city. the rest can be taken with a grain of salt, i dont know who wins, the first person to shit or the last? but trust, there will be shit.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on June 05, 2008, 12:06:52 PM
That's 2 times I've seen pictures of feces from a Slap poster now.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: wake and bacon on June 05, 2008, 12:24:06 PM
shit IN the shower? are you serious?

i sit when i wipe, leave one cheek (usually the left) on the seat, the other way in the air to spread the wiping area as much as possible, one quick wipe from behind (not the vagina cock/balls way MS described) with folded tp, and im usually good to go. occasionally i don't really even need to wipe (always do though).

i shit alot, maybe 3 or 4 times a day

fast metabolism
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 12:30:10 PM
I've discussed my techniques here before so I pose a question instead:
Do you sit down wipers go between the legs as if you had a vagina instead of a cock and balls or do you go around the backside?

i kind of lean on my left thigh/ass cheek and wipe with my right hand from the side.
that way my butt cheeks are nice and spread out.
it seems like the cock and balls would get in the way if i did it between the legs.

what do you stand up wipers do with your shirts (if you're wearing them) when your wiping?
do you just like pull it up and kind of hold the bottom of it with your chin pressed against your chest? or do you just let them hang?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 05, 2008, 12:33:51 PM
you bite the bottom front end of your shirt with your teeth of course. you don't want a bit of wanda sykes' make up getting on the tail end of your shirt.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: KnockoutNed on June 05, 2008, 12:42:15 PM
god i love slap.

does anyone ever feel like they have shit on their ass during the day, only to go to the bathroom and wipe and see nothing? maybe its just me and my psuedo-ocd.

Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dudebro on June 05, 2008, 12:44:10 PM
no, not shit IN the shower, but realize you have to shit while showering, so you get out and sit on the toilet. i couldn't shit in the shower, but i pee in it pretty much every time. i know a few guys who take their shirts off while showering because they feel like they'll get the "stink" on their shirt.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: nocomply on June 05, 2008, 12:46:56 PM
I've discussed my techniques here before so I pose a question instead:
Do you sit down wipers go between the legs as if you had a vagina instead of a cock and balls or do you go around the backside?

Through the legs. Pull your junk upwards towards your belly button with your left hand. Wipe with the right. duh...
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 12:47:22 PM
no, not shit IN the shower, but realize you have to shit while showering, so you get out and sit on the toilet. i couldn't shit in the shower, but i pee in it pretty much every time. i know a few guys who take their shirts off while showering because they feel like they'll get the "stink" on their shirt.

yeah pretty much everyone i know takes their shirs off while showering too. it's so much easier that way.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: eat.shit on June 05, 2008, 12:48:09 PM
Kilgore, You're absolutely killing me. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

And I'm a naked pooper. I crumple as opposed to folding. and 3 sheets!? 3 SHEETS!? Thats WAY to risky for my blood, what if you finger pokes through that sum bitch and you get doo-doo on your finger? I use like a fourth of a roll on 1 wipe. Can't ever be to careful when it comes to feces on your hands...I stand up too, sitting down has way to many unknown factors.

But you know what really weirds me out, when the toilet seat is so small you gotta do the tuck with your dick so it doesn't touch the seat...I hardly ever shit anywhere but my house because I got an oval seat and I don't gotta do the tuck. But everywhere else I do. Freaks me out.

And I piss before I shit so I don't have the piss watered asshole. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: poocrusher on June 05, 2008, 12:52:55 PM
That's 2 times I've seen pictures of feces from a Slap poster now.

I've seen 3:  Diego, Sanch, and Fork.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dudebro on June 05, 2008, 12:56:35 PM
no, not shit IN the shower, but realize you have to shit while showering, so you get out and sit on the toilet. i couldn't shit in the shower, but i pee in it pretty much every time. i know a few guys who take their shirts off while showering because they feel like they'll get the "stink" on their shirt.

yeah pretty much everyone i know takes their shirs off while showering too. it's so much easier that way.

*shitting. not showering. woops
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on June 05, 2008, 12:58:46 PM
god i love slap.

does anyone ever feel like they have shit on their ass during the day, only to go to the bathroom and wipe and see nothing? maybe its just me and my psuedo-ocd.


That's called phantom poopie butt and that's where wet wipes followed by regular tp will clarify for you.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 05, 2008, 01:26:07 PM
another tip: stay away from the hot sauce/salsa. do you want your kid to be a redhead? no. why would you want something else you've created to be redheaded as well? a redhead can be good in bed. fact. but the end product is almost never good even when ejaculation sets in. same with hot sauce/salsa. it can taste great, but the end product is an ass that feels like it just got stung by jerry seinfeld in the Bee Movie. or a shit that looks like the poster known as Ginger Nutz. it's just an unpleasant ordeal. shitting is a cleansing process, the toilet is your shrink, you give it all your problems and then the end result is something positive. an empty stomach ready to go work out or a stomach ready to look good when you're missioned style on your girl. or if you're young like baxter you can look really ripe when Uncle Billy tickles you to death and lifts up your shirt and blows real hard on your belly and it makes that fart noise. when Sir John Harington invented the flush toilet in 1596 he had an answer for excretion but what he didnt see were two things. a growing idea of the practice of Jenkem and the financial benefits he could have gained from creating some sort of preserve chamber for the noxious gases feces produces.he also did not see the fact that shitting has a philosophy and art form to it. every intellectual from the beginning of time has been able to avoid many many psychotic reactions because they take shitting very seriously, and have a very strict policy and route when they lock that bathroom door. it's much like the practice i've described on page 1 of this topic. it soothes the mind like a good shot of wine out of your lovers belly button or a nice wrestling match with your pup Roscoe. and also adds structure to your life. wipe standing up my friends, take off your pants and underwear and grab that left ass cheek and tame it, make it your bitch when you're locked up together pantsless in the shitroom. throw on The Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin and get to fucking shitting!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: StabMasterArson on June 05, 2008, 01:31:31 PM
Hot food= Bruce Ringsting
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Mackattack on June 05, 2008, 01:50:18 PM
you know you took a gnarly shit when it all comes out in liquid form and it still takes two flushes
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Choad Muskrat on June 05, 2008, 01:53:24 PM
wipe standing up my friends, take off your pants and underwear and grab that left ass cheek and tame it, make it your bitch when you're locked up together pantsless in the shitroom.

hahahahaha your making this thread your bitch, that is sig worthy if anything is
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Rusty Champignon on June 05, 2008, 01:57:41 PM
I feel awkward about shitting in other peoples houses, anyone else feel this way?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: StabMasterArson on June 05, 2008, 01:59:31 PM
Pooping at the bar is the worst
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: jrock on June 05, 2008, 02:00:28 PM
I feel awkward about shitting in other peoples houses, anyone else feel this way?

you never know if the toilet is going to flush properly.  you could do a test flush, but if you have a problem toilet you may have just wasted your only flush.  it can be quite the dilemma...

Pooping at the bar is the worst

this is why i haven't gone out in almost 2 years
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sleazy on June 05, 2008, 02:01:34 PM
have to look to know when your done

i stand at work but sit at home. this is because i start wiggling my toes when i wipe so that my legs can wake up after long shits at work and i don't have to come limping out of the stalls and have to explain why i'm limping to a coworker. but at home my bigger concern is not get shitty paper shrapnel all over the floor.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sleazy on June 05, 2008, 02:02:58 PM
I feel awkward about shitting in other peoples houses, anyone else feel this way?

no but my wife gives me shit if i try too and god forbid i ask the person who's house it is for a magazine. like no one's ever taken a shit with a magazine before
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Choad Muskrat on June 05, 2008, 02:06:22 PM
I feel awkward about shitting in other peoples houses, anyone else feel this way?

you never know if the toilet is going to flush properly.  you could do a test flush, but if you have a problem toilet you may have just wasted your only flush.  it can be quite the dilemma...


My GF's friend was at her boyfriends parents (who she had just met) and the toilet clogged, she didn't know how to shut the water off and shit + water ended up flooding the entire bathroom and hallway which leads to the kitchen. During dinner time.

And this chick gets super embarassed about stuff, meanwhile her boyfriend had to clean it all up. True story.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Rusty Champignon on June 05, 2008, 02:08:21 PM
I feel awkward about shitting in other peoples houses, anyone else feel this way?

you never know if the toilet is going to flush properly.  you could do a test flush, but if you have a problem toilet you may have just wasted your only flush.  it can be quite the dilemma...


My GF's friend was at her boyfriends parents (who she had just met) and the toilet clogged, she didn't know how to shut the water off and shit + water ended up flooding the entire bathroom and hallway which leads to the kitchen. During dinner time.

And this chick gets super embarassed about stuff, meanwhile her boyfriend had to clean it all up. True story.


That is a nightmare situation, if that happened to me I would honestly try to climb out of a window and run away
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: frisco on June 05, 2008, 02:13:19 PM
I feel awkward about shitting in other peoples houses, anyone else feel this way?

you never know if the toilet is going to flush properly.  you could do a test flush, but if you have a problem toilet you may have just wasted your only flush.  it can be quite the dilemma...


My GF's friend was at her boyfriends parents (who she had just met) and the toilet clogged, she didn't know how to shut the water off and shit + water ended up flooding the entire bathroom and hallway which leads to the kitchen. During dinner time.

And this chick gets super embarassed about stuff, meanwhile her boyfriend had to clean it all up. True story.


That is a nightmare situation, if that happened to me I would honestly try to climb out of a window and run away

thats movie material right there, bad movie, but movie nonetheless
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: StabMasterArson on June 05, 2008, 02:15:42 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uG61KWHaxZ8&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uG61KWHaxZ8&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 05, 2008, 02:17:54 PM
the scenario as mentioned before
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbDiujuv6rQ
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: frisco on June 05, 2008, 02:18:57 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uG61KWHaxZ8&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uG61KWHaxZ8&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

hahaha both of those were exactly what i was talking about, id +1 both of you again if i hadnt already this morning
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on June 05, 2008, 02:21:10 PM
I just got SMA for you but someone else needs to get Scoot since I got him for that weird gingernutz emo thing earlier.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: frisco on June 05, 2008, 02:23:13 PM
This thread is a Slap career definer for Kilgore
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 05, 2008, 02:29:03 PM
I just got SMA for you but someone else needs to get Scoot since I got him for that weird gingernutz emo thing earlier.
haha what?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on June 05, 2008, 02:32:46 PM
I just got SMA for you but someone else needs to get Scoot since I got him for that weird gingernutz emo thing earlier.
haha what?

I just saw this today
(http://i30.tinypic.com/16idter.jpg)

Topic rerail: so I had explosive diarrhea Monday and Tuesday but haven't gone since. I can't wait to go and make my check my bitch.

EDIT: oops that should say cheek, I in no way use checks to wipe my ass.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 05, 2008, 02:35:53 PM
o haha thanks jonaski <3
p.s. can we see pictures already?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: california love on June 05, 2008, 03:11:23 PM
every experiment needs an independent variable..

so what do you do when youve got a stiff one and have to shit? would you attempt to bend your member down to piss while you shit?..... thoughts?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sony MDR V2 headphones on June 05, 2008, 03:13:50 PM
shit IN the shower? are you serious?

i sit when i wipe, leave one cheek (usually the left) on the seat, the other way in the air to spread the wiping area as much as possible, one quick wipe from behind (not the vagina cock/balls way MS described) with folded tp, and im usually good to go. occasionally i don't really even need to wipe (always do though).

i shit alot, maybe 3 or 4 times a day

fast metabolism

i have this really awesome story about shitting in a shower/bath.

I'll tell it later. remind me.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: StabMasterArson on June 05, 2008, 03:15:14 PM
every experiment needs an independent variable..

so what do you do when youve got a stiff one and have to shit? would you attempt to bend your member down to piss while you shit?..... thoughts?

sorry sir, this is impossible
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BriDen on June 05, 2008, 03:16:38 PM
every experiment needs an independent variable..

so what do you do when youve got a stiff one and have to shit? would you attempt to bend your member down to piss while you shit?..... thoughts?

sorry sir, this is impossible
Not impossible, just very hard.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bbk on June 05, 2008, 03:31:12 PM
this is so mindblowing, I've never realised there were so many ways to wipe! I've thought like "does everybody wipe like this?" but what the fuck? through the legs? standing up? :o
I lean forward so that my right shoulder area is leaning on my right thigh, then I wipe with my right hand kinda like from behind... I've thought about how stupid it probably looks, but it seems so logical to me....

by the way, I also remove all my clothing except for socks, but sometimes even them. I like having my legs free and I wear pretty big shirts, so it feels better. just when I'm at home though, I wouldn't if I had to go somewhere else.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 05, 2008, 03:41:20 PM
being away from your toilet, your shrine, your holy shrink tank is a tough and tricky one my friends. but we must all live by this simple statement: What matters most is how well you walk through the fire. TRUTH. . excitement, embarrassment, guilt, frustration, anger, agony, pain, fear, happiness, and hope are all products of Shitting. But it is how you handle this fire, that defines your personality, your character, your meaning and yourself as a entity. shit will indeed hit the fans, mates. being out of your element never begins positive of course. but i'm going to tell you a story about when i myself, was out of my element and my strict routine and years of practice helped me fight off a sudden negative strike i felt hit my ass. i was on a trip to mississippi, ironically the shit hole of america with my friend and his mother to do some work on a home that had yet to be finished. we get to the house and we begin to do our normal interior decorating work. putting up wall paper, hanging blinds, etc. but suddenly i got an urge to shit. i fled upstairs to a bathroom we had already finished. i sat down and i let it out, it was beautiful, i was naked from belly  button to toe and it was going so well i began to do jumping jacks while shitting. impressive, i know. but then came time for me to wipe. oh no, wipe? kilgore from slap you forgot that this is a new house, and no one lives here yet, so why would there be toilet paper for you to wipe your butt with? i dont know fellas. but one thing that years of concentration and a strict routine on the shitter has helped me with is being able to manifest genius but some times frowned upon ideas while i'm behind closed doors with my shit tank. and here we have it. there was a box, and inside this great box was bubble wrap. BINGO. bubble wrap was the answer. i took this bubble wrap to my ass like robert downey jr takes to kicking ass and pounding vegan pussy. it was amazing POP POP POP went the bubble wrap every time i cleaned the doo off of my anus. i was laughing out loud but inside i was proud of my past practices, proud to be a leading force in exposing the true beauty and intellectual prizes having a strict and relaxed and enjoyable shit exercising brings you. now men, go to your toilets tonight, thinking of me. think of the ways and practices i promote and the beauty and intellectual properties of shitting actually brings you. you'll all be better men, i promise. i know this entrapment we call earth is an ugly place, and we're only here to fart around, don't let anyone tell you different but certain things, like shitting, can help you grow and prosper. i salute you all and this is kilgore on behalf of your toilet, your bathroom, and your anus. goodbye and good luck.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: wake and bacon on June 05, 2008, 03:46:32 PM
i've bent my member down, but only with a chub chub. never rock hard. that's just too risky. pissing with a boner is an interesting situation, i can't say i like it, i can't say i don't.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 05, 2008, 03:53:54 PM
i used to wake up with a stiffy in the morning
you either stand up and lean over the toilet or sit down and lean forward, to where your nipples are in the same area as your knees
the more you piss, the more your weiner settles down, til you can finally sit up again

on this note. how did everybody hide their chubs in middle school PE shorts? i remember some chick did a cartwheel and her tits came out. it was the first time i saw real tits and i had no other choice but to sit indian style the rest of the period.
i also used to sag my shorts over my weiner and tie em up real tight to try and tame it. this strategy closely related to the ever popular "belt maneuver"
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: poocrusher on June 05, 2008, 03:57:25 PM
There is this movie I've seen called Monsturd.  Its about an ex-con who gets his killer mentality transferred into a waste treatment plant and starts killing people out of their toilet.  He ends up being killed eaten and killed by a large swarm of flies.  Please by no means should anybody watch this sober.  You must be truly hammered to get past the shitty acting and horrible if not entertaining poo effects.

(http://www.4321films.com/monsturd/scream.jpg) (http://www.4321films.com/monsturd/mons_vomit.jpg)

http://www.4321films.com/monsturd/index.html  (http://www.4321films.com/monsturd/index.html)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jon8a3j2elU

Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 05, 2008, 04:12:22 PM
how do you explain to your parents that you made a movie about monster poop killing people? that thing looked like a monster from mighty morphin power rangers, you know the ones that talked alot of shit without their mouths moving. example:
eye guy (who kicked fucking ass)
(http://www.grnrngr.com/toys/pictures/02326.jpg)
mighty minotaur (semi- ass- kicker)
(http://www.rangercentral.com/images/mmpr-m1-mightyminotaur.jpg)
mutitus (i swear this dude coulda kicked even ivan ooze's ass)
(http://www.rangercentral.com/episodes/ep027/eppic13.jpg)

anyways. i saw your shit, mike fork, and would like to let you know its on.
i am formally calling your flaky poop rookie shit. (though i still love you) id like to show you the art of the log.
anybody else who wants in. lets go.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: daddy on June 05, 2008, 04:16:29 PM
I always just wipe til theres blood
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Ronald Wilson Reagan on June 05, 2008, 04:29:08 PM
Awkward. Just got caught with my computer screen still on slap by  a student today. Even more awkward, this was the thread that was opened.
"What the hell you do on this computer all day Mr. F?"
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 07:34:09 PM
so i just took a shit.

i was completely naked, and it was pretty awesome i must say. when i was done i stood up to wipe, but not completely, like halfway between bent over and straight so that my but cheeks would stay separated from one another. and i gotta tell you guys there was much more access. i mean you could really get  up in there. but it felt kind of weird. it was a weird situation to be in. like if i walked in on myself in this position it would be very awkward.
however much to my surprise, there was a lot less shit on the paper than i was expecting, i thought the whole paper would be covered in shit, but that wasn't the case at all. i still don't know if it's really necessary though. i mean i wiped in exactly the same manner as i always did except i just looked at the paper this time. i feel like i don't need to do this. i think i am so experienced that i just know when i'm done wiping and don't really need to look at the paper anymore.
however i have a question. do you guys sit back down after each wipe to roll the tp again or do you keep standing in the ski man position? my legs started to hurt as i was standing there bent over the toilet bowl like an idiot.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dtrigiani on June 05, 2008, 07:47:10 PM
I used to do it hunched over because I was scared of dipping my hand in the water, but I've learned to do it sitting now. I fold two or three sheets up, because, by design, they do the same amount of cleaning as a big wad.

I'm really anal about keeping my asshole clean, so the folding method reduces the chances of clogging. Big wads + my enormous turds = no flushee

Having a boner and feeling the need to shit really bad is awful. I try to do things to get rid of my boner, but they rarely work. I have to squeeze it for it to just fit in the toilet bowl, and even then, it's mere millimetres from the toilet bowl/ water - well, from what I can tell. It's really dark down there. Touching the toilet bowl with my dick would mean instant death.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: frisco on June 05, 2008, 07:51:40 PM
i used to wake up with a stiffy in the morning
you either stand up and lean over the toilet or sit down and lean forward, to where your nipples are in the same area as your knees
the more you piss, the more your weiner settles down, til you can finally sit up again

on this note. how did everybody hide their chubs in middle school PE shorts? i remember some chick did a cartwheel and her tits came out. it was the first time i saw real tits and i had no other choice but to sit indian style the rest of the period.
i also used to sag my shorts over my weiner and tie em up real tight to try and tame it. this strategy closely related to the ever popular "belt maneuver"

I belive thats called the belt tuck, my friend in high school made a custom shirt that said "what do you know about the belt tuck?" which was god damn hilarious, i used to get it in class real bad cause i would always try and get some nice clevage looks, even my girlfriend of 2 years i didnt know in my class but i used to peeps her when she streched and she would arch her back similar to how i hit her doggystyle now, wow that was hard, especially in class, i would incorporate the belt tuck frequently
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 07:57:32 PM
is this where you stick your boner vertically underneath the waist of your pants so that it is sticking out of your pants but still under your shirt? or am i talking about something else? what's that called? that saved me many a humiliating moment in high school.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: frisco on June 05, 2008, 08:00:30 PM
is this where you stick your boner vertically underneath the waist of your pants so that it is sticking out of your pants but still under your shirt? or am i talking about something else? what's that called? that saved me many a humiliating moment in high school.

that is exactly what i was describing
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 05, 2008, 08:01:02 PM
yeah that shit is dope.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: barr on June 05, 2008, 09:16:06 PM
i just wipe till nothing is there
at my friends house they use baby wipes which makes a lot of sense
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: CigaretteBeer on June 05, 2008, 09:53:41 PM
I don't feel like reading through this whole thread but don't you have to look to know you've wiped all the shit off?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: HEY YOU GUYS on June 05, 2008, 11:06:54 PM
I wipe till there is blood.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: baxty on June 06, 2008, 12:10:35 AM
yesterday I was discussing how to get your boner to leave

Politics no, grandparents no, cold water where am i gunna get that shit at, the pledge of aligence


Said that shit so much to day, it works, i also and a pretty skilled tucker. I get scared though because I always stretch and arch my back so i think my dick head will make an appearence in class.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: GhostBusters on June 06, 2008, 12:26:46 AM
every experiment needs an independent variable..

so what do you do when youve got a stiff one and have to shit? would you attempt to bend your member down to piss while you shit?..... thoughts?
Lean forwards and get the stream in the toilet. No matter how you are leaning if your ass is above the toilet gravity will put your shit in the hole.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Mooley on June 06, 2008, 01:30:42 AM
I don't feel like reading through this whole thread but don't you have to look to know you've wiped all the shit off?

You're doing yourself a disservice.

One trick a friend taught me that I had never thought of before was putting a couple squares of TP in the toilet water before you shit. No more splashbacks, ever.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sleazy on June 06, 2008, 08:33:07 AM
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51lv7gUnp7L._SL500_AA280_PIbundle-4,TopRight,0,0_AA280_SH20_.jpg)

you guys ever try this stuff? it's amazing. but it throw off your non-aloe paper wipping when you shit away from home because you get so used to the smooth wipes.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Ronald Wilson Reagan on June 06, 2008, 08:37:56 AM
What about wet wipes? They work pretty well, but I always need one dry wipe at the end or I get itchy.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: loophole on June 06, 2008, 09:58:50 AM
bidet.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 06, 2008, 10:57:18 AM
One trick a friend taught me that I had never thought of before was putting a couple squares of TP in the toilet water before you shit. No more splashbacks, ever.
holy shit thats brilliant.

have you ever gotten those hot runny shits? the one that make your anus contract long after you took your shit because it burns so fucking bad?
i throw a little water on the tp before wiping if it gets brutal like that. its the only way.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: CigaretteBeer on June 06, 2008, 11:55:09 AM
I don't feel like reading through this whole thread but don't you have to look to know you've wiped all the shit off?

You're doing yourself a disservice.

One trick a friend taught me that I had never thought of before was putting a couple squares of TP in the toilet water before you shit. No more splashbacks, ever.

Hahahaha I actually do that everytime I shit. When I have to use a public restroom I put a ton of toilet paper in just to be sure.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: beeda weeda on June 06, 2008, 12:21:30 PM
a long time ago I was shitting in a public bathroom, and realized there was no toilet paper, so I improvided with my sock, but it was a messy shit, and one sock wasn't good enough, so i lost both of my socks that day
anybody ever had this happen to them>?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: CigaretteBeer on June 06, 2008, 12:49:31 PM
"Nothing is worse than to finish a good shit, then reach over and find the toilet paper container empty. Even the most horrible human being on earth deserves to wipe his ass"- Charles Bukowski
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 06, 2008, 01:04:55 PM
a long time ago I was shitting in a public bathroom, and realized there was no toilet paper, so I improvided with my sock, but it was a messy shit, and one sock wasn't good enough, so i lost both of my socks that day
anybody ever had this happen to them>?

what did you do with the socks afterwards? did you flush them?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sony MDR V2 headphones on June 06, 2008, 01:11:08 PM
I have a sister, and one day I go into the bathroom and find an entire roll of perfectly good toilet paper in the fucking sink, SOAKED and RUINED!

I get pissed but did not bring it to her attention. She did it with another roll.

I put them both on her pillow.

And has anyone ever successfully pissed with a boner? I have yet to do that. even if i have a half boner my piss will start shooting every which way in different streams, on the floor, the rim of the toilet, my pants, fuck.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: beeda weeda on June 06, 2008, 01:36:38 PM
a long time ago I was shitting in a public bathroom, and realized there was no toilet paper, so I improvided with my sock, but it was a messy shit, and one sock wasn't good enough, so i lost both of my socks that day
anybody ever had this happen to them>?

what did you do with the socks afterwards? did you flush them?
I was young, I was upset, it was winter and I was at an hockey arena, so I just threw them on the floors beside the toilet. and went on with my day.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: nice weather on June 06, 2008, 01:43:43 PM
Pissing with a boner isn't a problem for me, eventually touching the inner rim of the toilet is though. If it happens you can go straight into the shower, there's no getting around that.

On another note, we already have a lot of topics covered in here, but what about little games that you can play while taking a dump?
When I was a kid I used to play this game I called "destroy the alien base". Note that you need to take your shit before peeing in order to successfully play it. You also need a "silver tablet" styled toilet, without the water hole.
Nico, you might want to stop reading here.
Okay, so you take the shit and hold your pee in. The deuce is the alien base, place it like you want it, just keep in mind that it's  the fucking enemy. So now your pee is a promising last fleet of human space pilots on a suicide mission to save humanity. Your goal is to either destroy the ammunition chamber of the base (random part of deuce) or the Control center of the alien base (random part of deuce). You might also resort to just causing as many alien casualties by really messing up their base, but that shit's dangerous. If you manage to cut off and flush away strategically important parts of the base, you win, if not, you can be held responsible for ruining humanitys last chance to escape slavery. It's important to not go easy on the aliens when you start your attack, the kamikaze pilots make the difference, trust me.


I haven't played this in a while although it never gets old, but I'm interested in other games as well.

PS: let's never meet in person please.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 06, 2008, 02:00:28 PM
i like to get abstract and stare at my poop before the flush, trying to decifer a celebrity face or special message.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 06, 2008, 02:04:17 PM
bag of mescaline, lights off in the bathroom, can of tomato juice, nude, a cat, a blow up doll that feels like patti smith, no quarter by led zepplin playing. you decide the rules.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SFblah on June 06, 2008, 02:04:53 PM
Okay, so you take the shit and hold your pee in. The deuce is the alien base, place it like you want it, just keep in mind that it's  the fucking enemy. So now your pee is a promising last fleet of human space pilots on a suicide mission to save humanity. Your goal is to either destroy the ammunition chamber of the base (random part of deuce) or the Control center of the alien base (random part of deuce). You might also resort to just causing as many alien casualties by really messing up their base, but that shit's dangerous. If you manage to cut off and flush away strategically important parts of the base, you win, if not, you can be held responsible for ruining humanitys last chance to escape slavery. It's important to not go easy on the aliens when you start your attack, the kamikaze pilots make the difference, trust me.

Wow...I just don't know what to say about that.

This thread is amazing in so many ways.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 06, 2008, 03:35:44 PM
i used to play that except with cigarette butts instead of poo.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: jrock on June 06, 2008, 03:37:42 PM
i hate poo
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: onelove on June 06, 2008, 03:38:05 PM
yes i look at the paper to know how much more wipping i need to do. how else would you know?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 06, 2008, 03:41:18 PM
yes i look at the paper to know how much more wipping i need to do. how else would you know?

you can just tell man..... you can just tell.
it's like when your butt no longer feels squishy, you just stop wiping.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: onelove on June 06, 2008, 03:49:51 PM
dats gross man. i need to ensure my cleaniness
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 06, 2008, 03:56:10 PM
it's kind of gross looking at a shitty piece of toilet paper too.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 06, 2008, 03:58:22 PM
try wiping your ass with a coloring book. see if you get inside the lines.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SR Junky on June 06, 2008, 04:02:28 PM
stop posting
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on June 06, 2008, 04:11:10 PM
stop posting

bye baby

(http://i27.tinypic.com/2j1mxko.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tiger woods on June 06, 2008, 04:13:11 PM
thanks sony mdr for seperating the questions to answer better..

how many of you look at the paper after wiping?

fuck yeah! you gotta know what's comin out of there.

also, do you guys fold the paper when you wipe?

i do fold, but i only use that piece once, then it goes in the toilet..i go through rolls of toilet paper a month, but i want my ass to feel a new piece on every wipe.

also i read that some of you wipe standing up.

i can't imagine standing up to wipe..i just lean over and keep em' spread..
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Ronald Wilson Reagan on June 06, 2008, 04:28:03 PM
I play that game with shit, cigarette butts, pretty much anything that can be pissed on. I don't have a name for it though aside from "fuck it, I'll piss on that"
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Sony MDR V2 headphones on June 06, 2008, 05:02:50 PM
I hope vicky doesn't post in here.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Cthulhu! on June 06, 2008, 05:37:25 PM
I've been taking pictures of my shit now. A poo journal if you will. In a few days I will compare and contrast and show you guys my favorite one.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: longballlarry on June 06, 2008, 05:45:13 PM
can't wait.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: CigaretteBeer on June 06, 2008, 05:48:21 PM
Pissing with a boner isn't a problem for me, eventually touching the inner rim of the toilet is though. If it happens you can go straight into the shower, there's no getting around that.

On another note, we already have a lot of topics covered in here, but what about little games that you can play while taking a dump?
When I was a kid I used to play this game I called "destroy the alien base". Note that you need to take your shit before peeing in order to successfully play it. You also need a "silver tablet" styled toilet, without the water hole.
Nico, you might want to stop reading here.
Okay, so you take the shit and hold your pee in. The deuce is the alien base, place it like you want it, just keep in mind that it's  the fucking enemy. So now your pee is a promising last fleet of human space pilots on a suicide mission to save humanity. Your goal is to either destroy the ammunition chamber of the base (random part of deuce) or the Control center of the alien base (random part of deuce). You might also resort to just causing as many alien casualties by really messing up their base, but that shit's dangerous. If you manage to cut off and flush away strategically important parts of the base, you win, if not, you can be held responsible for ruining humanitys last chance to escape slavery. It's important to not go easy on the aliens when you start your attack, the kamikaze pilots make the difference, trust me.


I haven't played this in a while although it never gets old, but I'm interested in other games as well.

PS: let's never meet in person please.


You are by far my favorite poster.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: jrock on June 06, 2008, 06:11:43 PM
I've been taking pictures of my shit now. A poo journal if you will. In a few days I will compare and contrast and show you guys my favorite one.

post it here, and see how you stack up against the pros:

http://ratemypoo.com/
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: nice weather on June 07, 2008, 02:12:18 AM
You are by far my favorite poster.

awesome. My shitting related posts have made me real popular I reckon.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Ronald Wilson Reagan on June 07, 2008, 10:18:08 AM
When blogs first came out, the first time I saw one was my friend's "log blog," in which he described his pooping experiences that he had every day.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dudebro on June 07, 2008, 12:09:04 PM
is this where you stick your boner vertically underneath the waist of your pants so that it is sticking out of your pants but still under your shirt? or am i talking about something else? what's that called? that saved me many a humiliating moment in high school.

that is exactly what i was describing

i call it "the lift and tuck"
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: guy le douche on June 07, 2008, 12:22:01 PM
this thread is wierd.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: crapface on June 07, 2008, 01:52:06 PM
This thread is so good in so many ways that I really don't know what to say.

My routine would be something like this. Pull your pants down, sit on the toilet and let the shit fly like no tomorrow. Once I'm done I'll take about three or four pieces, fold it and get it a little wet. Wet wipes are a must in the beginning. After about five wet wipes I'll move to dryer grounds and discontinue the wetting of the papers. Also at this point I'll start checking out how's the project progressing. When I see no more shit stains on the paper I'll get up and take a good look on what I have just brought to this world. After a few moments of analyzing the project from the beginning to the bitter end I'll flush and continue to the adventures of the day.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bumptobar on June 07, 2008, 08:03:57 PM
Im good after 3-4 wipes almost always.  Sounds like you make a mess.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dtrigiani on June 07, 2008, 09:08:27 PM
I just got a new toilet, and my piss stream is way to powerful. It seems like my urine is bouncing off the toilet and water and then landing on the rim and possibly outside. I may have to fill the bowl with a wad of papers first, because the idea of piss possibly being on the floor is too much for me. I need to conduct some experiments.

How long do you guys like to spend on the toilet when laying cable? I know some people that can be done in a minute, but I like to play it slow to avoid annihilating my asshole. It's generally between 5 and 10 minutes, but I'm willing to go into overtime if necessary.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: brownjenkin on June 08, 2008, 02:34:58 PM
When I sit on the seat I sort of rock side-to-side and work it so that the seat is holding my ass cheeks open to the max. The thought of dump sliding down the insides of my cheeks makes me shiver.

I stay seated when I wipe. I'm a folder. It's awesome because you can lay the TP flat against your hand and hold it down securely with your thumb. It also allows you to really dig into your ass with the ends of your fingers as you make the sweeping motion. I lean forward at about a 45 degree angle and wipe front to back, always checking progress. Once the TP comes up completely white, I wipe again, but this time back to front. I spread my legs, lift the balls and get to it. Usually I'll find the back-to-front will get some stuff that the front-to-back missed.

I make quick work of my dumps.  A long time ago I used to be able to chill on the seat and read. Can't do it anymore. Fast but pleasurable business -- so long as the dump isn't a gnarly one.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dtrigiani on June 08, 2008, 07:12:00 PM
I sharted in a restaurant once. It was about a couric and a half of the brown stuff, with the consistency of ketchup. I took off my tighty whiteys and threw them out then cleaned up. I was so ashamed I didn't talk the rest of the night. I was scared everyone knew. My mom suggested we go for a walk after, but I made sure we got home as fast as possible so I could shower.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bumptobar on June 08, 2008, 08:23:58 PM
I sharted in a restaurant once. It was about a couric and a half of the brown stuff, with the consistency of ketchup. I took off my tighty whiteys and threw them out then cleaned up. I was so ashamed I didn't talk the rest of the night. I was scared everyone knew. My mom suggested we go for a walk after, but I made sure we got home as fast as possible so I could shower.

One time i sharted at work and i had to just sit through it.  I just pissed and the bathroom is by my boss so going there wasnt an option.  I had to sit in shart for the remaining ten minutes then had to drive home, it was the worst.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bill hates on June 08, 2008, 09:01:53 PM
im into wiping with gift wrap now, cause i figure anything i do is kinda a present to all humanity.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kilgore. on January 02, 2010, 08:24:00 PM
oh jesus, i was really into wiping my ass at this point in my life..
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Nic on January 02, 2010, 10:14:24 PM
This is the first time I've read this thread and I'm glad it's been brought back.

For me I like to stand up and wipe, but there is a problem with that. In my bathroom the mirror is behind the toilet so when I go to throw the TP in the toilet and I always look at my hairy asshole. No matter how hard I try not to look it always happens and I get so angry.

With the boner in school (http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/7845/mike0644.jpg)'s the girls in my highschool always wore the the really short volleyball shorts and a few wore thongs and being younger and in highschool that was really hot. We always played dodgeball and jiggling boobs and short shorts definitely got me a little excited. I just used to tuck it in the waist band and tie them pretty tight so it wouldn't escape, but one time I got hit right in the dick with a hard on and that shit hurts so bad. 
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: HoneyBear on January 03, 2010, 01:00:18 PM
I'm a stand wiper.I like those ghost shits you have.Like you take a shit and you wipe and then there is nothing on the TP.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: 1992 on January 03, 2010, 03:50:04 PM
The other day I was at my homies house and he was out of toilet paper and I ended up using some napkins from Jack In The Box and then got a gnarly case of chafe. I was walkin' around all bull-legged like I just got done doin' a rodeo. Not very comfortable.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SleepyPeePee on January 03, 2010, 03:59:22 PM
The other day I was at my homies house and he was out of toilet paper and I ended up using some napkins from Jack In The Box and then got a gnarly case of chafe. I was walkin' around all bull-legged like I just got done doin' a rodeo. Not very comfortable.

haha i just thought of this 92' but imagine them being the napkins they throw in the bag with ur food, & theres salt & grease on them.. THEN whipe your butt, thus chafing it with the top off of salt&grease.

..not a good time
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: 1992 on January 03, 2010, 04:08:52 PM
^^^Oh man. The thought of that makes me cringe. I can't imagine having some Jack In The Box "secret sauce" and onion ring grease mixed with salt anywhere near my precious brownstar. If that was the case I would probably be able to break records in the 100 yard dash by running around wildly. Having to wipe with something that had the consistency of cardboard was bad enough. Hahaha.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SleepyPeePee on January 03, 2010, 07:25:28 PM
hahaha right when i thought about it my asshole tingled with fear..

so i know where your coming from.

that would be a shitty situation
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: rawbertson. on January 04, 2010, 12:16:53 PM
damn cant believe there are so many standers. i used to stand up when i was little but then i noticed like everyone in the world was sitting down whilst wiping, namely my dad. its not like i watched them wipe but i just noticed how i never saw anyone else in stalls with their feet facing the other way.  nowadays if i want to stand up and wipe (for some reason i do sometimes) it feels like i can hardly even get in there.

also, it depends on the shit. i have taken shits where i didnt evne have to wipe, its fucked. ill put the toilet paper in and it just comes out solid clean. i am bad for holding my shits back though. i dont even take a shit every single day, and when it is one of those real dry shits that are humongous, they always feel the best and always wipe the best. not a razor sharp one thouogh somewhere in between there.

i hate diarhea shits you gotta wipe like 80 times. i also just use 1 square at a time, (unless its diarhea shits). i know, crzy right? but i have my ass wiping dialed. i just dab softly, but not to be gay to finger my butt hole. but you gotta do it till shit is all gone or else your ass is all itchy. i hate that. i let that slide once when i was in japan i itched my ass so much it bled.

i never get pooh on my fingers. im pretty precise. also i dont take off all clothes but i ALWAYS fold my shirt up and tuck it under my chin. sometimes i get shit on the toilet seat and then sit back on it though i dont even know how that fucking happens. also sometimes when its a real bad smelling shit or im at a girls house or something i just flush it as soon as all shit has dropped out of my ass in hopes that the smell will mostly go away and then flush a 2nd time for toilet paper. it also reduces chances of the toilet clogging, you dont want to be fucking around with a toilet clogged at some girl's house if its the first time you are hangin out or whatever. can leave a mad shitty first impression.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Upgrayedd on January 05, 2010, 07:28:37 AM
courtesy flush: once for the bulk, once for the remainder. 
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: H8R part 4 on January 05, 2010, 09:21:26 AM
i only stand up to wipe when i get swamp ass.  thats when your ass is all sweaty/slimey and feels like you got left over shit between your butt cheeks.  you're unsure if you wiped well enough before so you have to find your way to the nearest bathroom and give yourself a safety wipe to make sure you're not walking around stinking up the joint. 
not to mention, nothing will turn a girl off more then the scent of fecal matter and a brown racing strip down the ass crack of you boxers.  i remember this girl didn't wipe too well and saw a brown streak in her panties, it left my millimeter peter limp and had me running for the door.             
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: EricLogan on January 07, 2010, 03:26:07 AM
I've torn my asshole so many times wiping, which leads me to wonder

Is it possible to get some form of hepatitis from one's self? if so, how common is it? I swear i see at least one tiny droplet of blood a month while wiping
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: rawbertson. on January 07, 2010, 07:36:25 AM
one tiny droplet is probably ok; you should try and be a bit softer on the shit
if you are constantly getting shit infected sores then im sure you can get real sick from it.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: the whompler on February 10, 2010, 01:29:31 PM
folded not crumpled

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RDjow4uTso
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: LloydChristmas on February 23, 2010, 07:25:14 PM
I swear i see at least one tiny droplet of blood a month while wiping
one tiny droplet is probably ok
i hope so.  i'm usually a stander/looker but when sitting i'm a leaner/shirt biter with reach-around tendencies.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pyrex vision on February 23, 2010, 07:36:26 PM
6 pages about wiping your butt? i knew i liked this place for a reason
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Crazy Ralph on February 23, 2010, 07:50:48 PM
shit sucks..pooping takes up too much time, im over it
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: niclopse on February 23, 2010, 08:29:58 PM
spreadin the mulch sucks and so does cleaning it off
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: EricLogan on March 04, 2010, 04:15:30 AM
one tiny droplet is probably ok; you should try and be a bit softer on the shit
if you are constantly getting shit infected sores then im sure you can get real sick from it.

Well, I don't literally rip my ass shitting or even wiping, it's when I get the spread going that I feel a sharp, tearing pain.

I've never looked at what actually tore in the mirror, but after examining the t.p. post-wipe, it would appear that the tear is at least 1/2 inch from the dirt-button itself, but that's still a bit too close for comfort.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on March 04, 2010, 09:18:41 AM
one tiny droplet is probably ok; you should try and be a bit softer on the shit
if you are constantly getting shit infected sores then im sure you can get real sick from it.

Well, I don't literally rip my ass shitting or even wiping, it's when I get the spread going that I feel a sharp, tearing pain.

I've never looked at what actually tore in the mirror, but after examining the t.p. post-wipe, it would appear that the tear is at least 1/2 inch from the dirt-button itself, but that's still a bit too close for comfort.
Natural taint reduction?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Beeda Weeda on March 05, 2010, 08:00:56 AM
i might have posted this a while back in the thread.
I was a young lad, 8-9, watching my cousin's hockey game with my grandmother at a local rink, I took a mid game shit in the public washroom, only to find there was no Tp, I checke dthe other stall, no TP, so I did the next best thing, took both my socks off and used my socks to wipe my ass,, and used the cotton gloves I had on to make sure I ddint miss anything, and made up an awkward childs lie of what  happned to my socks and gloves.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: EricLogan on March 05, 2010, 09:36:58 AM
i might have posted this a while back in the thread.
I was a young lad, 8-9, watching my cousin's hockey game with my grandmother at a local rink, I took a mid game shit in the public washroom, only to find there was no Tp, I checke dthe other stall, no TP, so I did the next best thing, took both my socks off and used my socks to wipe my ass,, and used the cotton gloves I had on to make sure I ddint miss anything, and made up an awkward childs lie of what  happned to my socks and gloves.

I end up shitting in public 3-5 times a month, and I almost always use my socks, or at least one of them. That must've been a mondo messy shit if you needed 2 socks and 2 gloves.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: rawbertson. on March 26, 2010, 12:30:42 PM
i might have posted this a while back in the thread.
I was a young lad, 8-9, watching my cousin's hockey game with my grandmother at a local rink, I took a mid game shit in the public washroom, only to find there was no Tp, I checke dthe other stall, no TP, so I did the next best thing, took both my socks off and used my socks to wipe my ass,, and used the cotton gloves I had on to make sure I ddint miss anything, and made up an awkward childs lie of what  happned to my socks and gloves.

I end up shitting in public 3-5 times a month, and I almost always use my socks, or at least one of them. That must've been a mondo messy shit if you needed 2 socks and 2 gloves.

when you are young you dont know about efficiency.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Bobbito on March 28, 2010, 09:24:18 AM
I take about 4-5 squares depending on how thick or watery the shit is. Then I'll fold that same piece until there's no more room to hold it without touching shit. Front to back. Check it every time I wipe, that's fucking vital. 
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: kevbo999 on March 28, 2010, 12:54:48 PM
5-7 squares, wipe, fold, wipe, check, drop.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: oyolar on April 01, 2010, 06:02:46 PM
I hate when you take a small/normal sized shit and it takes forever to get your ass clean. Happened today and it sucked.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Alan on April 02, 2010, 02:53:59 AM
You know, it probably means there's another small shit waiting to get out, it just needs a bit more time.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: angryfacedman on April 02, 2010, 09:35:00 AM
I'm waiting for that shit right now..
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: brownjenkin on April 02, 2010, 10:01:25 AM
All you 'courtesy flushers', do you remain seated during the courtesy flush? If so, have you thought about the mini tornado of poo and piss particles spiraling upwards towards your buttcheeks, balls and dick?

Stand up, close the lid, flush, resume.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: mandibleclaw on April 04, 2010, 01:11:41 AM
once, skating in ft. pierce, i suddenly had to shit super bad.  we were at this closed spot off a pretty major road.  i didn't have any TP, so i grabbed a notepad from my car and went behind the spot and dropped trou behind a tall clump of weeds, so the people on the road couldn't see me.  it started coming out pretty quick, so when i turned to look over my shoulder, it was already too late.  there was an apartment complex behind me, and an old black lady walked out of her front door and stared right at me.  she put her hands on her hips and shook her head.  i didn't know what to do, so i waved.  then she smiled, waved back, and got into her car and drove off.

for the wiping itself, i crinkled up the notebook paper like a hundred times so it was kind of soft, then used it.  not so bad.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: EricLogan on April 04, 2010, 11:14:16 AM
crinkling the paper, fucking genius
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: rawbertson. on April 20, 2010, 11:57:53 AM
that is genius i never would have thought of that. ^
i find if i am wearing a nice shirt i will avoid shitting.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: raul on April 29, 2010, 10:20:08 PM
I use baby wipes. The toilet paper maintenance provides for the dorms is no match against my hairy, Guatemalan asshole.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: skate_bored on April 30, 2010, 08:40:19 AM
I use baby wipes. The toilet paper maintenance provides for the dorms is no match against my hairy, Guatemalan asshole.

im considering baby wipes. trying to keep things extra clean.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: raul on April 30, 2010, 09:30:07 AM
I use baby wipes. The toilet paper maintenance provides for the dorms is no match against my hairy, Guatemalan asshole.

im considering baby wipes. trying to keep things extra clean.

Definitely go for it. But don't banish your regular dry towels, you'll still need to dab any extra moisture. You'll develop the worst ass itch if there's too much.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: rawbertson. on April 30, 2010, 10:28:20 AM
yeah i have heard that shit can burn fierce i dont know if id fuck with that
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Inbred Jed on April 30, 2010, 03:49:46 PM
I use baby wipes. The toilet paper maintenance provides for the dorms is no match against my hairy, Guatemalan asshole.

im considering baby wipes. trying to keep things extra clean.

Forget baby wipes, I wipe my ass with the baby
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: raul on April 30, 2010, 06:05:49 PM
yeah i have heard that shit can burn fierce i dont know if id fuck with that

Not true at all, there's no alcohol in the wipe. It's aloe and some other stuff, it feels moist and colder than a sheet of TP.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: HannibalLecter on May 01, 2010, 12:16:32 AM
I stood up to wipe untill i opened the stall door on an asian man and saw him sitting down and wiping, i've sat down since then. and as for looking, i use my judgement... most times i'll check how things are going though
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: raul on May 01, 2010, 09:31:51 AM
I stood up to wipe untill i opened the stall door on an asian man and saw him sitting down and wiping, i've sat down since then. and as for looking, i use my judgement... most times i'll check how things are going though

I can understand a lot of different shitting techniques, but standing up? That's asking for shit to get all over your hands.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ImKindOfABigDeal on May 09, 2010, 07:20:35 PM

for the wiping itself, i crinkled up the notebook paper like a hundred times so it was kind of soft, then used it.  not so bad.

you're good, you're damn good.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: WWD4D? on July 02, 2010, 04:34:57 AM
I have a friend who doesn't use toilet paper too often. He says that he mostly just holds all his shits in until right before he is gonna take a shower. He takes the shit, then just hops right in the shower and clean himself off. He says that it saves him money that he could be wasting on toilet paper. I've thought about trying this method out once or twice, but it just seems too weird. I'd be too paranoid about accidentally getting fecal matter on the shower curtains, shower walls or the bar of soap.

As for me, when it comes to shit, I'm pretty OCD. My asshole has to be spotless. There've been many times where I've wiped my ass for more than I needed to. Even after it's clean, I still wipe another two or three times just to make sure it actually is clean and I didn't miss anything. I can't stand having any fecal matter on me or the thought of "well, damn, what if I didn't get it all the way clean?" Then I pretty much just walk around all day with a paranoid feeling that I'm gonna stink or I'm gonna get shit stains on my boxers/pants.
I also hate when my fingers accidentally poke through the toilet paper when I'm wiping. If that happens I already know that the rest of my day is gonna be bad.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dlx111 on July 31, 2010, 09:29:49 AM
once, skating in ft. pierce, i suddenly had to shit super bad.  we were at this closed spot off a pretty major road.  i didn't have any TP, so i grabbed a notepad from my car and went behind the spot and dropped trou behind a tall clump of weeds, so the people on the road couldn't see me.  it started coming out pretty quick, so when i turned to look over my shoulder, it was already too late.  there was an apartment complex behind me, and an old black lady walked out of her front door and stared right at me.  she put her hands on her hips and shook her head.  i didn't know what to do, so i waved.  then she smiled, waved back, and got into her car and drove off.

for the wiping itself, i crinkled up the notebook paper like a hundred times so it was kind of soft, then used it.  not so bad.
hopefully more people will start postin in here again cus i just discovered this gem today.

so i was also in fort pierce at grand prix which is an old putt putt place with some cool spots.right before i left i had lunch and had taken a probiotic to help with digestion blah blah blah. so me and my brother met our friend and headed up the highway when i started getting poop sweats, like when you get waves of heat because somethings goin on down there.so i was hoping it would go away and it did and we pull up get out and go in the place and start pushing over to the spot.no less than a minute or two a frickin big truck starts drivin up and down the fence like looking inside.while hes scoutin out the poop sweats come back and now im squatting to hide from him. so im trying not to get seen and also not crap myself.finally he goes away and i tell my bro and friend im going to the cracker barrel across te street to dump and your comin with me(their younger).so i went in and dumped it next to im presuming a black guy blasting his rap in the stall next to me.not real comfortable.

also im amazed to learn how many people go naked,i used to when i was young but got tired of the whole thing and eventually just learned to deal with the clothes.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Acrid Avid Jam Shred on August 27, 2010, 09:07:37 AM
I seriously don't get some of you guys...
It's all about staying seated, leaning slightly forward, checking every time, and then one reverse wipe starting up top to make sure you din't drag anything into upper-crack.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Beeda Weeda on August 27, 2010, 11:57:28 AM
every time I shit, i go take a shower, or if its nice out I  go out back and rinse my asshole with the garden hose.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: rawbertson. on August 27, 2010, 12:06:55 PM
I seriously don't get some of you guys...
It's all about staying seated, leaning slightly forward, checking every time, and then one reverse wipe starting up top to make sure you din't drag anything into upper-crack.

thats what i do but if you haev a baggy shirt you gotta use your chin to tuck that shit up there or else you might sit on yuor shirt and shit on it, well its never happened but i always worry about it.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Skwisgaar Skwigelf on September 03, 2010, 12:24:59 PM
I prefer to alternate between back to front and front to back to ensure no excess buildup on one spot of leftover, unwiped shit residue.
I do the stand up technique as well and usually use a baby wipe then dry with regular toilet paper. It's the only way to go.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: The Donger on September 06, 2010, 06:31:57 PM
Anyone have a cure for "Crayon Butt"? Imagine a Crayon in your butt, no matter how many times you wipe it's still won't wipe completely clean. I'm tempted to push the turtle head back in, but that seems kinda gay. I end up wiping it til it gets raw and just give up in frustration.

Anyone have any cool stories about those cool futuristic computerized toilets/bidets from Japan, they take shitting very serious there.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Skwisgaar Skwigelf on September 06, 2010, 07:11:22 PM
Anyone have a cure for "Crayon Butt"? Imagine a Crayon in your butt, no matter how many times you wipe it's still won't wipe completely clean. I'm tempted to push the turtle head back in, but that seems kinda gay. I end up wiping it til it gets raw and just give up in frustration.

Anyone have any cool stories about those cool futuristic computerized toilets/bidets from Japan, they take shitting very serious there.

As they should! Defecating is a sacred thing.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on September 07, 2010, 01:37:48 PM
I had to rush my wipe today because my work phone started ringing, pretty sure I have feces smeared all over my butthole right now.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: rawbertson. on September 09, 2010, 02:13:56 PM
i think it should be noted that there are different wiping techniques for different types of shits.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Skwisgaar Skwigelf on September 09, 2010, 06:10:04 PM
i think it should be noted that there are different wiping techniques for different types of shits.
Fuck! I wish I knew that, I probably would have had less itchy asshole on a few occasions while try to skate.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Omamori on September 09, 2010, 07:53:22 PM
I seriously don't get some of you guys...
It's all about staying seated, leaning slightly forward, checking every time, and then one reverse wipe starting up top to make sure you din't drag anything into upper-crack.
I do the same.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ice nine on September 12, 2010, 07:29:57 PM
was really sick in guatemala earlier this year, shit 20 times in a couple days. trying to take a shower i had to get out twice to shit, so on the third one i just let it come out in the shower. all while thinking of this thread!!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Skwisgaar Skwigelf on September 12, 2010, 08:19:13 PM
was really sick in guatemala earlier this year, shit 20 times in a couple days. trying to take a shower i had to get out twice to shit, so on the third one i just let it come out in the shower. all while thinking of this thread!!
Do you think it's a coincidence that you were in Guatemala and sick, at the same time?  ;)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ice nine on September 12, 2010, 08:26:05 PM
do you think that was a question worth asking
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Avicci on October 26, 2010, 09:42:40 PM
we should talk about ghost poops. Well I call them that, when you shit and nothing comes off on the toilet paper.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: cancelled on October 28, 2010, 05:56:14 PM
we should talk about ghost poops. Well I call them that, when you shit and nothing comes off on the toilet paper.

i call those "low maintenance poops."  i thought ghost poops were the ones that slide down the toilet tube, so when you look down theres nothing in the bowl.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ImKindOfABigDeal on November 02, 2010, 01:00:51 PM
Nah thats a phantom. I've been waiting for both those situations to happen at once, just to see if I can fool myself into thinking I never shat
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: christian Brown on December 13, 2010, 03:52:34 PM
this thread is hilarious and just fucked up my shit at work....sitting in a meeting and laughing out loud.....anyways i have this theory that women who have brown ugly vaginas started wiping back to front therefore getting dookie all up in their shaazaamm....any experiences with this???i freaked out the other day on this chick and left because of the site of such unfortunate events...
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Narcissus on December 14, 2010, 08:35:17 AM
you did the right thing, chris Brown.

nobody wants this.
(http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/roast-beef-500x375.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: gnarnel on February 09, 2011, 09:22:23 PM
I usually just cram a hand full of toilet paper around y finger then jam it up my butt  sit back down for 5 to 10 min then pull it out throw it in the trash (not in the toilet)  pull my pants up and purposely dont wash my hand then high five my friends all day long!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: friendly dave on February 10, 2011, 10:13:41 AM
I usually just cram a hand full of toilet paper around y finger then jam it up my butt  sit back down for 5 to 10 min then pull it out throw it in the trash (not in the toilet)  pull my pants up and purposely dont wash my hand then high five my friends all day long!
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0905/say-mallrats-brodie-stinkpalm-pretzel-demotivational-poster-1243368113.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: gnarnel on February 15, 2011, 07:59:40 PM
any one else rip out hairs when they whipe some times? or is it just me? another thing comes to mind a question me and my friends have been trying to answer for a while. what is the easyest way to get ride of but hair? i have a jungle and i need help people ahah
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: George Mirchev on February 16, 2011, 03:24:44 AM
We all need to look! It's important not to leave TOO much on your butthole. Stay safe!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: David on February 02, 2012, 03:16:07 PM
(http://www.stockngo.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/w/e/wet-ones-moist-towlette-vitamin-e-and-aloe-40-count-1_2.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jive Turkey on February 02, 2012, 05:28:37 PM
I recently found out that there are people that stand up and wipe. Thatís so wrong. If you stand up your cheeks close and then your ass ends up looking like a Rorschach test.

First wipe is a pincer attack. Thumb and index finger at the chode and mid-crack respective brought together at the butthole. Pull straight down, removing the cling-ons. Check for chunks. If itís clear proceed with standard front to back wiping. Itís important to throw a down stroke in once or twice so that your not just smearing shit up your crack.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: jgonzalez on February 02, 2012, 05:52:22 PM
I recently found out that there are people that stand up and wipe. That?s so wrong. If you stand up your cheeks close and then your ass ends up looking like a Rorschach test

That's why you spread your cheeks with your hand and bend over a little. I just don't like to feel like I'm digging around my ass while sitting down.
and it's not like you'd stand up and flex the muscles and walk around.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: GarglesCmen on February 02, 2012, 05:59:13 PM
I recently found out that there are people that stand up and wipe. That?s so wrong. If you stand up your cheeks close and then your ass ends up looking like a Rorschach test.

First wipe is a pincer attack. Thumb and index finger at the chode and mid-crack respective brought together at the butthole. Pull straight down, removing the cling-ons. Check for chunks. If it?s clear proceed with standard front to back wiping. It?s important to throw a down stroke in once or twice so that your not just smearing shit up your crack.

You have such a way with words
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jive Turkey on February 02, 2012, 06:52:41 PM
I just don't like to feel like I'm digging around my ass while sitting down.
I can understand not wanting to move you hand over a pile of fresh shit but thatís why you lean to one side and do it at an angle.

If you stand your cheeks close whether you flex or not. The only way around that is to adopt a wide stance, which would require taking at least one leg out of your trousers, or to hand spread your cheeks. Thatís a lot of work. On the pot your ass is already wide open and youíve got both hands free.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: David on February 03, 2012, 01:12:37 AM
Bidet: pronounced, 'Bi-day'


How to operate a bidet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooNaPJoZnOM#)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jive Turkey on February 03, 2012, 03:52:00 PM
The Japanese have done you one better with an ass sprayer built into the toilet seat. Adjustable temperature and water pressure, and heated seats. Some even have a blow dryer for your bum.
I've got to say it took a while to get used to having a stream of water shot at my ass, but my dog blossom is as clean as a whistle.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: GarglesCmen on February 03, 2012, 04:58:45 PM
The Japanese have done you one better with an ass sprayer built into the toilet seat. Adjustable temperature and water pressure, and heated seats. Some even have a blow dryer for your bum.
I've got to say it took a while to get used to having a stream of water shot at my ass, but my dog blossom is as clean as a whistle.

Your way with words, does not cease to impress
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BraveUlysses on February 03, 2012, 06:24:09 PM
any one else rip out hairs when they whipe some times? or is it just me? another thing comes to mind a question me and my friends have been trying to answer for a while. what is the easyest way to get ride of but hair? i have a jungle and i need help people ahah
Every time
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: DaSk8D00D on March 15, 2012, 10:25:28 PM
i fucking HATE when i dont wipe my ass enough and end up feeling a lil irritation my crack a while afterwards. seriously, it happens way too often
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pancake man on March 16, 2012, 12:47:23 AM
I use to stand to wipe, but now I am a converted sitter
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jive Turkey on March 16, 2012, 03:19:39 AM
I use to stand to wipe, but now I am a converted sitter
Good lad. Welcome to the flock.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: sprayTAN101 on March 16, 2012, 12:26:12 PM
i fucking HATE when i dont wipe my ass enough and end up feeling a lil irritation my crack a while afterwards. seriously, it happens way too often

it happens. especially post drinking. my number one tip is to make a ball of TP and make give it a splash in the sink (if within reach). that baby takes care of even the toughest of remnants. proceed with a single regular wipe = done.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Karlos on March 25, 2012, 02:50:11 AM
i fucking HATE when i dont wipe my ass enough and end up feeling a lil irritation my crack a while afterwards. seriously, it happens way too often

it happens. especially post drinking. my number one tip is to make a ball of TP and make give it a splash in the sink (if within reach). that baby takes care of even the toughest of remnants. proceed with a single regular wipe = done.

just spit on it
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: brownjenkin on March 26, 2012, 02:28:17 PM
If I do a gnarly crap and I still don't feel quite clean enough after wiping, I sit on the edge of my tub with my ass hanging over and give a nice rinse with warm water then towel dry. Like mini shower just for my butt.

An itchy, greasy feeling asshole can ruin my fucking day.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pica on March 27, 2012, 12:59:25 AM
one of the dudes from school only wiped his ass with cotton batting.
he had to use it once cause there was no more toilet paper and now he swears by it.
he said he wouldn't let anything rougher to his ass. his girfriend had to carry a bag of cotton batting in her handbag all the time.
i'd totally try it, but i'm afraid of getting addicted and i don't want to have to persuade my girl to carry that stuff around.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: friendly dave on April 11, 2012, 12:03:31 PM
Went on a hike yesterday. As soon as I started I felt a little rumble in my stomach, didn't think anything of it, and figured it'd just go away. I was wrong. The rumble, and subsequent turtle headding only got worse. At about mile 4 on my hike it was game time. I was either going to shit my pants or shit in the woods. Now this hike had a lot of switchbacks, and not a whole lot of areas for a nice secluded dump. Luckily for me, off the end of one of the switch backs was an old landslide/boulder field. So I cut through the bushes off the end of the trail, across the rocks until I got down to a few big boulders I could duck behind. And just in time too. As soon as I got my shorts down, I splattered what was left of the prior night's tater tots all over the rocks below me. It smelled something awful. Now normally in this situation, you could just sacrifice a sock, but since I had quite a walk ahead of me still, that wasn't an option. So standing there with my shorts still down around my knees, dick swingin in the breeze, I grab my pocket knife, pull my shirt off, and cut the sleeves off. Those sleeves really saved my ass. I cleaned myself up, scurried back across the rock field to the trail, and immediately bumped into a couple I had seen about an hour earlier. I wonder if they wondered where my sleeves went?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: sleepypancakes on April 11, 2012, 06:30:00 PM
Went on a hike yesterday. As soon as I started I felt a little rumble in my stomach, didn't think anything of it, and figured it'd just go away. I was wrong. The rumble, and subsequent turtle headding only got worse. At about mile 4 on my hike it was game time. I was either going to shit my pants or shit in the woods. Now this hike had a lot of switchbacks, and not a whole lot of areas for a nice secluded dump. Luckily for me, off the end of one of the switch backs was an old landslide/boulder field. So I cut through the bushes off the end of the trail, across the rocks until I got down to a few big boulders I could duck behind. And just in time too. As soon as I got my shorts down, I splattered what was left of the prior night's tater tots all over the rocks below me. It smelled something awful. Now normally in this situation, you could just sacrifice a sock, but since I had quite a walk ahead of me still, that wasn't an option. So standing there with my shorts still down around my knees, dick swingin in the breeze, I grab my pocket knife, pull my shirt off, and cut the sleeves off. Those sleeves really saved my ass. I cleaned myself up, scurried back across the rock field to the trail, and immediately bumped into a couple I had seen about an hour earlier. I wonder if they wondered where my sleeves went?
...damn. Respect.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: zonar on April 12, 2012, 12:38:12 PM
(http://lorettaecogirl.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/geb_8000_3.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: HATE! on April 23, 2012, 07:10:56 AM
I just farted mid-wipe.  Nothing bad happened, but it was terrifying.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: DontTreadgoShred on April 23, 2012, 07:56:53 AM
Not to stray too far from the subject, cause this thread is classic. But i'd like to talk about clogging toilets for a moment. Amongst my friends, my name is synonymous for wrecking toilets. My first account was at my friends house at around the age of fifteen, I was waiting on my ride back home before dropping trow because I knew it was about to be a terror. After a brief conversation with my pops on the phone and finding out I had to wait longer, I had no other choice but to destroy my friends guest bathroom. Now my hesitation came from knowing that this toilet/bathroom is very rustic, and I didnt trust it in the first place. So after I dueced it and wiped my ass for a solid twenty minutes, I flushed the toilet in pure hesitance. As I assumed the toilet clogged right off the bat, so Im already sketched and the adrenaline is flowing. I stood there staring at the bowl of steaming pho' in contemplation, trying to decide whether or not to huck another flush. With time running out I made the awful decision to flush the pot again, as the water was at about half full. I immediately knew I fucked up, and as the water starting over-flowing I was pacing back and forth mumbling to myself "oh shit, oh shit" no pun intended. I quickly re arranged the furniture in the bathroom like it was gonna make a fuckin difference, threw the floormat over the shower curtain, and stood in fear as I witnessed the behemoth turd hit the polished floor. I gasped, and in the heat of the moment I picked up the turd bare handed and threw it in the trashcan. I then buried it with excess toilet paper as if it was gonna mask the scent, then I fuckin dipped. 
    This whole time this sitcom was happening my friend was at work, and I had to break the news to him over the phone. Needless to say, he was quite shitty. But in due time he forgave me and it will forever be a good laugh
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: HATE! on April 23, 2012, 08:29:30 AM
As much as I hate 90% of new posters, I think you're fucking great.  I love that you rearranged the furniture.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: DontTreadgoShred on April 23, 2012, 09:34:29 AM
dang I'm glad to hear that. And as far as the ass wiping goes I'm a "sit on the pot" kind of guy, although depending on the circumstance I stand wipe when its more efficient. Basically if I'm in a cubicle type of environment I like to utilize the space to my advantage, whatever gets the job done. I'm also very cautious when it comes to public shitters, I like adding a layer of toilet paper onto the ass seat for more comfort. One of those things that should be ok, but isnt.

  Hell, only God can judge me.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: HATE! on April 23, 2012, 09:40:29 AM
I don't know how standers deal with tiny stalls, it seems like it would be very awkward.  And yes- a nest is always a must in a public situation.  You know dudes will go in there and just piss everywhere and you know the poor fuck that has to clean it doesn't do a good job.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: DontTreadgoShred on April 23, 2012, 09:49:22 AM
yeah, It would be very hard to clean a dirty toilet stall with dignity. If it were my duty, I would for sure half ass it, maybe even third ass it.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: saucy ragu on April 23, 2012, 10:45:15 AM
For the standers, do you stand straight up, or is it more of a "peek-a-boo" between the legs stance? I imagine your double-processed animal style bacon burger would spread like secret sauce if you allowed your cheeks to slap together for even a moment, and it scares me.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: DontTreadgoShred on April 23, 2012, 12:06:22 PM
Quite frankly Ragu, I don't even know how to respond to what you just said. My best answer would be standing straight up, but I'm having trouble understanding the other position you described. It sounds like your describing a bad experience at In n out burger.

Papa smurf can I wipe your ass? yeah wipe my ass bitch
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: finknoos on April 24, 2012, 04:23:49 AM
Okay im a stander and imma set this straight for you guys.

When im done i lean forward like im bowing before the queen, making sure to keep my cheeks seperated. Then i reach arround the back of myself (not through the legs) and wipe from behind. Ive always done it this way, only found out last year that there are other methods.

And as far as small cubicles, i actually prefer them as i wipe with my right hand and put my left hand on the wall/door for added balance.

(http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii199/Showdown20/bentback.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shouldn't on May 24, 2012, 06:46:02 PM
so what if in the midst of you bending over backwards for a toilet, you leak out some mudd-butt onto your nice jeans? how would that affect your day? you would have to find a whole new dump style my friend.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Russel Crowe on May 29, 2012, 11:33:13 PM
some dudes wipe sitting down. I couldn't believe it
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Dontfearthereefer on May 30, 2012, 08:11:21 AM
Okay im a stander and imma set this straight for you guys.

When im done i lean forward like im bowing before the queen, making sure to keep my cheeks seperated. Then i reach arround the back of myself (not through the legs) and wipe from behind. Ive always done it this way, only found out last year that there are other methods.

And as far as small cubicles, i actually prefer them as i wipe with my right hand and put my left hand on the wall/door for added balance.

(http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii199/Showdown20/bentback.jpg)
 

This has been my wiping method since my mom stopped doing it for me
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: finknoos on May 30, 2012, 08:20:00 AM
so what if in the midst of you bending over backwards for a toilet, you leak out some mudd-butt onto your nice jeans? how would that affect your day? you would have to find a whole new dump style my friend.

firstly i have superb control over my sphincter, and when i wipe im still standing over the bowl so if that scenario were to present itself, the excess feces would fall straight into the loo
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Dontfearthereefer on May 30, 2012, 10:23:54 AM
so what if in the midst of you bending over backwards for a toilet, you leak out some mudd-butt onto your nice jeans? how would that affect your day? you would have to find a whole new dump style my friend.

this isnt really feaslable, unless you got some serious uncontrollable old yeller fuckin mount st helens guiser liquid squirtle shits or something
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ice nine on June 11, 2012, 03:15:28 PM
Day 2 of the strangest hangover I've had. Took a painful shit this morning at work, had to wipe at least 10-15 times. Four seperate times I got shit on my hand.what the fuck? It was like I poo'd out the side of my ass. The middle of the paper was clean and the right side runneth over with messy shit. why
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Josh McLaughlin on July 25, 2012, 09:53:01 PM
im about to take a shit. going to see what this whole "wiping while sitting down" thing is about. to me, it just seems wierd.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: HATE! on July 26, 2012, 08:23:27 AM
I've learned that there is such a thing as "too much sriracha."
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Dontfearthereefer on July 26, 2012, 04:53:57 PM
my work has some seriously shitty toilet paper, pun intended. on the real though its like orphanage grade recycled readers digests made into some sandpaper/cheesegrater paper and my asshole is super chapped, hurts to walk anywhere
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: via on July 26, 2012, 05:21:48 PM
People stand up to wipe?? ? ?? ??

(http://images.wikia.com/headhuntershorrorhouse/images/3/3d/Exploding_head.gif)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Mole on July 28, 2012, 02:11:31 AM
People stand up to wipe?? ? ?? ??

(http://images.wikia.com/headhuntershorrorhouse/images/3/3d/Exploding_head.gif)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Dontfearthereefer on July 28, 2012, 05:05:13 AM
today i took a poop in the shape of a smiley face
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: TonyBologna on July 28, 2012, 06:04:26 AM
Went on a hike yesterday. As soon as I started I felt a little rumble in my stomach, didn't think anything of it, and figured it'd just go away. I was wrong. The rumble, and subsequent turtle headding only got worse. At about mile 4 on my hike it was game time. I was either going to shit my pants or shit in the woods. Now this hike had a lot of switchbacks, and not a whole lot of areas for a nice secluded dump. Luckily for me, off the end of one of the switch backs was an old landslide/boulder field. So I cut through the bushes off the end of the trail, across the rocks until I got down to a few big boulders I could duck behind. And just in time too. As soon as I got my shorts down, I splattered what was left of the prior night's tater tots all over the rocks below me. It smelled something awful. Now normally in this situation, you could just sacrifice a sock, but since I had quite a walk ahead of me still, that wasn't an option. So standing there with my shorts still down around my knees, dick swingin in the breeze, I grab my pocket knife, pull my shirt off, and cut the sleeves off. Those sleeves really saved my ass. I cleaned myself up, scurried back across the rock field to the trail, and immediately bumped into a couple I had seen about an hour earlier. I wonder if they wondered where my sleeves went?
...damn. Respect.
For real. Your ingenuity inspires me.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: TonyBologna on July 28, 2012, 06:08:53 AM
I gasped, and in the heat of the moment I picked up the turd bare handed and threw it in the trashcan.

You bare handed a brown trout?!? Hell dude, you are a champion.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dirtyweemidden on August 17, 2012, 07:22:36 AM
standing up to wipe? that's fucked! I sit down and lean forward


You gotta be sittin down to wipe dudes, 3 squares of bog roll folded over twice as to not risk the poopy fingernail factor if the clart on yer arse is more water based than expected.

You take your neat little rectangle of and wipe front to back.. balls to crack if you will...

first sheet is garunteed to be covered in shit, but feel free to have a glance as we all like to know what color last nights meal comes out like.

reapeat this process 2 or 3 times if your third glance is still an eyefull of brown you gots to lay of the bran muffins son!


dont even think about messing with wet wipes to clean your back passage that shit is fucked! its such a horrid sensation knowing you are turd smear free and still feeling clammy/wet between the cheeks is a total headfuck!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: David on August 18, 2012, 12:28:26 PM
Ehgh, I dunno about you kids but for me it's a disaster every time. I'm talking about easily over 7 wipes every outing. When that's over it's wet wipes, and yes the sensation is gross, but it's mandatory. Then some more dry-leaf to finish off. When there arent any WetOnes, then it's straight to the shower, no messing around. I'm still braving up to the whole bidet thing, not quite sure how that should work. Still figuring it out.

And OF COURSE you wipe sitting down...you maniacs.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Spike Hawke on August 20, 2012, 03:47:34 PM
Personally after I've dropped one off, I switch stance that seat up. Face the cistern, hang my butt over the outside edge of the seat and holla one of my bitches to get the job done.

Anyway, you gotta do the wiping sitting down, although I do have a buddy who tells me all anout her poop steeze and she swears by standing up, "gets more leverage", apparently. But she has had a issue with flecks on the floor.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Josh McLaughlin on August 27, 2012, 11:28:20 AM
not only has slap changed my views on many aspects of skateboarding, but it has also changed my views on wiping my butt. i have conformed to a sit down wiper now. why stand when you can sit?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Seamus_McShamebag on August 27, 2012, 07:43:25 PM
This is more of a "in case of emergency break glass" kind of thing but I figured I would share in the event that it helps anyone.  If you have a real fucking mess to take care of, the shower is your best option.  I call it the American Bidet.  It's all about efficiency, just train yourself to shit before your shower then you can double down on the hygiene by warming up with some paper and then scrubbing down in the shower.  On to the emergency scenario..

So I travel every now and again for work and in this case I was in Las Vegas for a tradeshow.  It had been a typical week of early morning skate sessions, random restaurant/catering food and the occasional beer or three.  So it's toward the end of the week and I am feeling fine but apparently Cthulu was just waiting in the darkness.  So I head out for dinner and decide to call it an early night since I had a bunch of stuff to do the next day.  I am heading back to the hotel with a group of people from work and it's early, even by non-Vegas standards.  So we walk in the hotel and are walking through the casino and are getting close to the bar and elevators.  I felt fine and felt a little air biscuit stewing and decided to let it creep out while we are walking so as to harmlessly crop dust all the old timers dying in front of the slot machines.  Not in the cards.  This was the sneakiest ninja motherfucker shart I have ever had in my life.  I went from absolutely zero gastrointestinal distress to completely shitting my pants in an instant.  Timing was perfect though as we had just hit the bar/elevator cross road.  The question was raised, "Anybody want to grab a beer?" and I ducked out with a quick "I'm good, catch ya'll tomorrow" and rush towards an open elevator like the only reason I was rushing was because the door was about to close.  I  breathe a sigh of relief as I watch the doors close and nobody else had hopped in.  They would have been in for a treat.

I got to my room stripped down and realized that this was a wrong that 2-ply wasn't going to right. After a quick shower I  was faced with the reality of the shitty underwear staring back at me from the bathroom floor.  I sure as hell wasn't going to let those things marinate in my room, windows don't open, so I ran out and dumped them in the nearest trash can which happened to be in front of the elevators.  The beauty was that everyone on my floor got to end their night walking off the elevator into a cloud of my shit stink and the same deal for the morning crowd. 

I couldn't look at the trash can without laughing my ass off and took the picture below for posterity.  Shine on you crazy sphincter... 
(http://img707.imageshack.us/img707/9444/sharts.jpg)

Long story short, there is something to be said for showers being right next to toilets.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BRIX SKWIKZ on September 25, 2012, 07:05:43 PM
People stand up to wipe?? ? ?? ??

(http://images.wikia.com/headhuntershorrorhouse/images/3/3d/Exploding_head.gif)

HILARIOUS  ;D
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Omamori on September 30, 2012, 08:12:39 PM
What toilet paper do you guys use?  After testing many brand, Charmin reigns supreme. Its the perfect balance of everything.

Also I'm gonna start using a two step ladder as a stool to squat while I shit. I saw some video on reddit about this. I guess its the natural way for us to shit and I guess I would wipe less too.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Josh McLaughlin on October 05, 2012, 10:36:22 AM
What toilet paper do you guys use??  After testing many brand, Charmin reigns supreme. Its the perfect balance of everything.

Also I'm gonna start using a two step ladder as a stool to squat while I shit. I saw some video on reddit about this. I guess its the natural way for us to shit and I guess I would wipe less too.
pics or gtfo.
but seriously. thats funny shit.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: cletus the slack jawed yokel on October 05, 2012, 10:57:04 AM
if i don't have a weasel next to me i wipe my ass with my hand is that bad?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pica on October 08, 2012, 06:12:16 AM
i stand up as well. had a conversation with my brother about this, he's a sitter. i expected familial clustering.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: alka-seltzer on July 14, 2013, 06:44:14 PM
Squatty Potty informational video shorter version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=s7arvdcLWkY#ws)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Merked on July 15, 2013, 09:51:22 AM
Squatty Potty informational video shorter version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=s7arvdcLWkY#ws)

^^ I have seen this before. 

Someone grab one and give it a test run.  Post findings.

Also, I don't know how the fuck you guys wipe while seated.  I need to stand and get my ass spread eagle to get all that shit out.  Get better leverage standing too.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on July 20, 2013, 09:10:31 AM
i stand up as well. had a conversation with my brother about this, he's a sitter. i expected familial clustering.
I would have assumed some sort of hereditary wiping traits to be the norm too. I'm going to have to check with my brother on this. I'm a stander and am amazed at the amount of sitters here. I'm positively bamboozled by the mere mention of scrunching over folding too, I knew it existed but thought it was more for the fairer sex with there relatively hairless toilet holes and lack of hanging junk in the way. Here's my take, standing, slight lean forward with a quarter twist, reach around the body, 3 to 4 sheets folded, wipe, fold repeat and keep repeating until there is no trace left or the paper is to small to fold again. If you need more paper better to use it than leave skid marks on your smalls. Problem turds may take a little more wrangling involving wet wipes, a shower or if no shower is present a vigorous basin wash hand towels be damned. No paper means sacrificing at least one sock. I'm super regular and like to back one out at least at the ratio of one to one per meal. The only thing that has ever broken this has been heavy opiate based pain medication.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: L33Tg33k on July 25, 2013, 06:56:34 PM
I wipe with damp tp and then pretty much just wash my ass with soap and rag after every shit. It's never clean enough.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pinche gringo on July 25, 2013, 07:47:37 PM
Sitter. I use wet wipes if possible, otherwise I'll run the damp tp/papertowel.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: brownjenkin on July 25, 2013, 11:45:06 PM
If you're running wet wipes as part of your wiping routine, I hope you're following it up with some dry wiping of some sort. There's no way I'm pulling up my pants with slippery cheeks.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pinche gringo on July 26, 2013, 03:43:38 PM
If you're running wet wipes as part of your wiping routine, I hope you're following it up with some dry wiping of some sort. There's no way I'm pulling up my pants with slippery cheeks.

Absolutely, the goal is clean and dry when finished.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ice nine on July 26, 2013, 05:15:53 PM
it's hard to know when to stop wiping when there's just more and more blood every time I wipe
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on July 27, 2013, 08:26:46 AM
it's hard to know when to stop wiping when there's just more and more blood every time I wipe
That's harsh man. You might want to get checked for hemorroids or you could have an anal fissure.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: L33Tg33k on July 27, 2013, 04:06:29 PM
it's hard to know when to stop wiping when there's just more and more blood every time I wipe
You're probably joking, but I sometimes have this problem.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pencil on October 02, 2013, 04:01:30 PM
it's hard to know when to stop wiping when there's just more and more blood every time I wipe
You're probably joking, but I sometimes have this problem.

dude your life literally sucks so bad that im trying to post 1000 times just t o gnar u
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ROCKxADIO420 on October 03, 2013, 03:04:18 PM
i have an adorable jack russell terrier named max who licks my butthole clean after every shit



love you, max.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pencil on October 03, 2013, 03:09:13 PM
i have an adorable jack russell terrier named max who licks my butthole clean after every shit



love you, max.

may is so lucky i wish that were my job
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Hairy Ballsagna on October 07, 2013, 10:03:03 PM
I used to be broke.  I pared my diet down to cheesy jalapeno bread which I made from 25 lb bags of flour that my mom bought me at costco, giant bags of cheap jalapenos from the grocery outlet, and I'd splurge on cheese.

 I figured I could pretty much live on it. Cheese has protein, jalapenos could ward off scurvy and flour filled me up. But the problem was that my ass usually bled when I wiped it. I would usually make a loaf or two, eat nothing but those loaves until they were gone, and then eat other stuff for a couple days until I had time for more baking. It took me a while to connect the blood coming out of my asshole with the jalapeno cheesy bread, but I eventually figured it out and shifted to a pasta, tortillas and peanut butter diet.

 I didn't have to work on Fridays, so for some weird reason I volunteered at the food bank at 7 a.m. For some other weird reason I always got really drunk on Thursday nights. At the food bank I'd have to keep taking breaks from sorting cans of food with seniors and chatting with my grey-haired friend Dale about his storage business to take messy shits and then find red on the wiping paper.

I got to take home lots of food after volunteering at the food bank though, so I guess the jalapeno cheesy bread diet became unnecessary. Every once in a while, I'll bleed a little out of my asshole and reminisce about simpler times when my TP regularly came up red.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: 360 frip on October 09, 2013, 08:52:07 AM
i have an adorable jack russell terrier named max who licks my butthole clean after every shit



love you, max.

Pics or get out.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ThugWaffle on October 16, 2013, 07:50:32 PM
I used to be broke.  I pared my diet down to cheesy jalapeno bread which I made from 25 lb bags of flour that my mom bought me at costco, giant bags of cheap jalapenos from the grocery outlet, and I'd splurge on cheese.

 I figured I could pretty much live on it. Cheese has protein, jalapenos could ward off scurvy and flour filled me up. But the problem was that my ass usually bled when I wiped it. I would usually make a loaf or two, eat nothing but those loaves until they were gone, and then eat other stuff for a couple days until I had time for more baking. It took me a while to connect the blood coming out of my asshole with the jalapeno cheesy bread, but I eventually figured it out and shifted to a pasta, tortillas and peanut butter diet.

 I didn't have to work on Fridays, so for some weird reason I volunteered at the food bank at 7 a.m. For some other weird reason I always got really drunk on Thursday nights. At the food bank I'd have to keep taking breaks from sorting cans of food with seniors and chatting with my grey-haired friend Dale about his storage business to take messy shits and then find red on the wiping paper.

I got to take home lots of food after volunteering at the food bank though, so I guess the jalapeno cheesy bread diet became unnecessary. Every once in a while, I'll bleed a little out of my asshole and reminisce about simpler times when my TP regularly came up red.

Damn, made me appreciate life a bit more.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pencil on October 22, 2013, 12:11:49 PM
I used to be broke.  I pared my diet down to cheesy jalapeno bread which I made from 25 lb bags of flour that my mom bought me at costco, giant bags of cheap jalapenos from the grocery outlet, and I'd splurge on cheese.

 I figured I could pretty much live on it. Cheese has protein, jalapenos could ward off scurvy and flour filled me up. But the problem was that my ass usually bled when I wiped it. I would usually make a loaf or two, eat nothing but those loaves until they were gone, and then eat other stuff for a couple days until I had time for more baking. It took me a while to connect the blood coming out of my asshole with the jalapeno cheesy bread, but I eventually figured it out and shifted to a pasta, tortillas and peanut butter diet.

 I didn't have to work on Fridays, so for some weird reason I volunteered at the food bank at 7 a.m. For some other weird reason I always got really drunk on Thursday nights. At the food bank I'd have to keep taking breaks from sorting cans of food with seniors and chatting with my grey-haired friend Dale about his storage business to take messy shits and then find red on the wiping paper.

I got to take home lots of food after volunteering at the food bank though, so I guess the jalapeno cheesy bread diet became unnecessary. Every once in a while, I'll bleed a little out of my asshole and reminisce about simpler times when my TP regularly came up red.

Damn, made me appreciate life a bit more.

fuck ur life lol
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: McGooch on June 21, 2014, 11:13:04 PM
Let me inform some of you poop noobs of the perfect pinch.

No iphones, tablets or computers during. Gotta clean up while it's fresh.

Alternate between damp and dry using 3-4 sheets clumped (granted you're near a sink) . Always check until you get a clean wipe and usually an additional safety wipe.

Standing up takes more effort and is less effective. Sit, lean forward, hand back around right leg. Go from back to balls. Much more torque and friction.

So how do you fellows go about cleaning in the shower? Do you use a rag or a loofah? Dispose after use or reuse? Plain hand and soap?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SHARPSHOOTER on July 21, 2014, 02:41:08 PM
Every once in a while, I'll bleed a little out of my asshole and reminisce about simpler times when my TP regularly came up red.
The simpler times.. like Little House on The Prairie
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ttching! on July 21, 2014, 04:34:10 PM
Every once in a while, I'll bleed a little out of my asshole and reminisce about simpler times when my TP regularly came up red.
The simpler times.. like Little House on The Prairie

Like little house next door to Chase Gabor.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: rim reaper on July 29, 2014, 04:54:26 AM
Let me inform some of you poop noobs of the perfect pinch.

No iphones, tablets or computers during. Gotta clean up while it's fresh.

Alternate between damp and dry using 3-4 sheets clumped (granted you're near a sink) . Always check until you get a clean wipe and usually an additional safety wipe.

Standing up takes more effort and is less effective. Sit, lean forward, hand back around right leg. Go from back to balls. Much more torque and friction.

So how do you fellows go about cleaning in the shower? Do you use a rag or a loofah? Dispose after use or reuse? Plain hand and soap?

just spit on it like you would on a vagina. thats the essence of being a human
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on August 10, 2014, 09:23:26 PM
i remember when i was a kid i would get done shitting and then sit on the sink and wash my asshole and then dry it. I did this because i would literally wipe for about 3-5 minutes non stop ( i still do) and i hated that
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ill_Murray on August 24, 2014, 08:14:24 PM
i remember when i was a kid i would get done shitting and then sit on the sink and wash my asshole and then dry it. I did this because i would literally wipe for about 3-5 minutes non stop ( i still do) and i hated that


Go getcha wet wipes.  And quit eatin ya boogers Tobey.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on August 24, 2014, 09:55:56 PM
i remember when i was a kid i would get done shitting and then sit on the sink and wash my asshole and then dry it. I did this because i would literally wipe for about 3-5 minutes non stop ( i still do) and i hated that


Go getcha wet wipes.  And quit eatin ya boogers Tobey.

do you think thats the problem? i mean it makes sense i been having to wipe so much since i was a kid and i have been eating my boogers since forever
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on November 07, 2014, 03:39:44 PM
Had to shit so bad today at work . I'm in construction so have to use the porter john. I don't know what it is about j jons at job sites but it's like you're back living with barbarians. Fuck. Shit splattered toilet seats. Toilet paper EVERYWHERE. God dammit anyways. So I'm squatting and il out of shape legs twitching trying to hold me up and aiming towards the hole looking through my legs. Breakfast burrito from Taco Bell went right through me. Start shitting like a contemporary painter flinging paint splatter from his brush onto a canvas. Here comes the wiping part- so I'm a sitter. I'm literally sweating at this point with my face in the god damn urinal as I'm dabbing my asshole with tp balls. Everything I don't do during my nofbL shots was performed today . I can't wait to shower and drink away my memories.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Tay on November 24, 2014, 01:56:27 PM
Go from back to balls. Much more torque and friction.

Men are amazing. This would cause one hell of a yeast infection. Although, I've heard tell of women with girth problems wiping feces into their labia due to excessive insurmountable belly fat, leaving a secret trail which ultimately leads to vaginal candidiasis.  :-\
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: KING TUT on December 08, 2014, 03:20:01 AM
I only take aqua turds. Benefits of living on a house boat.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on December 24, 2014, 06:28:33 PM
I only take aqua turds. Benefits of living on a house boat.

Like you get in the water and shit? I did that in a river once. It was an incredible feeling.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on January 19, 2015, 05:16:08 PM
I only take aqua turds. Benefits of living on a house boat.

Like you get in the water and shit? I did that in a river once. It was an incredible feeling.

I've taken a couple aqua turds in my life. Ocean style. You are correct it is an incredible feeling. Scary part was the salt made it a floater and I was afraid it was gonna hit someone in the face. I was just outside the break with a semi crowded crowded surf bunch
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: KING TUT on February 01, 2015, 09:48:22 PM
it does feel quite good ^

 do you know what's amazing and what I miss a lot, those poo hoses they have in south east Asia. My butthole has never felt so clean.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: via on February 01, 2015, 10:05:19 PM
I have a friend that every time we go swimming in a river or lake, he takes a shit, just  cause he loves how it feels.

I've still never done it, I think I'm too private a pooper to go while within eyesight of all my friends.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Nacnud on February 01, 2015, 10:16:38 PM
I heard a guy once do this water pooing in Fiji, and all these tropical fish munched his poo in a mater of seconds. True story.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Noble Experiment on March 15, 2015, 11:56:50 AM
I used to do it standing up, until I was like in high school. Not sure why, it just felt right. Sometimes you get specs of shit that fall to the ground though if you're wiping after a dry poop.
But now I wipe sitting down. So much easier. You can just drop the paper right in too, less hassle.
I usually don't look at the paper until after a few wipes to ensure total cleanliness.
I find it weird that some people don't look when they wipe, how do you know you're fully clean?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: j....soy..... on March 15, 2015, 10:57:47 PM
You ever sit for so long....you forget to wipe....
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: poopnutsupreme on March 24, 2015, 03:26:42 AM
I remember one day, a few years ago, I took a shit at the skatepark and someone asked if I sat down when wiping. I said of course and thought they were just fucking with me. He then went on arguing about shitting with someone else but I just went back to skating and didn't pay attention. Then years later I read this and now I understand what was going on, slap is the best. I want to try wiping while standing but that goes against everything I've ever learned, I don't know how my family would look at me if I switched.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on March 25, 2015, 05:46:05 PM
Anyone else smell the toilet paper after you wipe?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ROCKxADIO420 on March 25, 2015, 05:48:09 PM
im done with wiping its fuckin 2015
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Willie on March 25, 2015, 07:06:14 PM
im done with wiping its fuckin 2015

Using the 3 sea shells?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on March 26, 2015, 03:30:51 PM
im done with wiping its fuckin 2015

Using the 3 sea shells?

If there are sea shells nearby that means there is a body of water close too. Sea shells are way too dangerous. Just need a good ol fashion aqua wash. Don't be afraid to get your fingers all poopy. Salt water kills germs.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ttching! on March 30, 2015, 02:43:38 PM
im done with wiping its fuckin 2015

Using the 3 sea shells?

If there are sea shells nearby that means there is a body of water close too. Sea shells are way too dangerous. Just need a good ol fashion aqua wash. Don't be afraid to get your fingers all poopy. Salt water kills germs.

Behold ye, bidet-henge:

(https://40.media.tumblr.com/6ce9e707d1317016d8ab305167a012ac/tumblr_nm0n3wY9Sr1qd2yqto1_540.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pencil on October 29, 2015, 03:05:35 PM
im done with wiping its fuckin 2015

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQdglLeGQXM
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: givecigstosurfgroms on December 07, 2015, 05:14:22 AM
2nd wipe i spit on the tp.  - its nice, B.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on December 15, 2015, 06:36:40 AM
it's hard to know when to stop wiping when there's just more and more blood every time I wipe
I feel you bro. I have hella hairy butt including hair in butthole area. Sometimes the shit is very sticky and I'm pulling out hair while wiping, and then it's blood marks on paper. Feels sketchy to wipe, but I have to somehow finish the task.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: givecigstosurfgroms on December 17, 2015, 05:36:28 AM
  ^  try 'chilling out' a bit b4 wiping man that sounds brutal, ripping out hair?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: franquietits on December 19, 2015, 03:11:49 AM
Anyone here ever have "clean" shits? Where a nice quality of poop comes out so smoothly and swiftly that you don't really have to wipe.
Seems somewhat rare. A couple times it happened and I tried to wipe anyway only to see a my toilet paper sans residue.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Lasernaut on December 19, 2015, 04:15:34 AM
Anyone here ever have "clean" shits? Where a nice quality of poop comes out so smoothly and swiftly that you don't really have to wipe.
Seems somewhat rare. A couple times it happened and I tried to wipe anyway only to see a my toilet paper sans residue.
I moved to Hamburg to study in september. My roommate and I started eating a lot of quality butter and oily food down there. A lot of vegetarian food too. To me it seems that if you eat a lot of fibres and oily/buttery stuff you'll poop ghosts. No traces except maybe a bit of ectoplasm.

But then again, I have a fickle stomach. Might not work for everyone.

Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on December 19, 2015, 11:45:30 AM
Anyone here ever have "clean" shits? Where a nice quality of poop comes out so smoothly and swiftly that you don't really have to wipe.
Seems somewhat rare. A couple times it happened and I tried to wipe anyway only to see a my toilet paper sans residue.

Every single time i drank, my shits the next day would be no wipers. Thats why im an alcoholic
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pinch a loaf on December 19, 2015, 01:14:44 PM
Anyone here ever have "clean" shits? Where a nice quality of poop comes out so smoothly and swiftly that you don't really have to wipe.
Seems somewhat rare. A couple times it happened and I tried to wipe anyway only to see a my toilet paper sans residue.

Every single time i drank, my shits the next day would be no wipers. Thats why im an alcoholic

I feel you. No wiper days are the best days.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Xtal on December 19, 2015, 02:50:43 PM
It's all about that UltraCush HD Cottonelle.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Lasernaut on December 19, 2015, 03:03:15 PM
Anyone here ever have "clean" shits? Where a nice quality of poop comes out so smoothly and swiftly that you don't really have to wipe.
Seems somewhat rare. A couple times it happened and I tried to wipe anyway only to see a my toilet paper sans residue.
I moved to Hamburg to study in september. My roommate and I started eating a lot of quality butter and oily food down there. A lot of vegetarian food too. To me it seems that if you eat a lot of fibres and oily/buttery stuff you'll poop ghosts. No tracers except maybe a bit of ectoplasm.

But then again, I have a fickle stomach. Might not work for everyone.


Fixed.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: franquietits on December 20, 2015, 02:12:25 PM
Hmmm, interesting with no no-wipers comments. I always wondered why some people proclaim, "I'm gonna go take a shit" & then they come back within like 2 minutes, where as a lot of people including myself might take up to 10 or longer. Maybe they fake it just to leave a good impression or something.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pencil on December 20, 2015, 06:47:02 PM
this thread is the reason why i signed up for slap
i just googled wiping ur butt i dont even sk8
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Coconut Lotion on January 02, 2016, 04:32:39 PM
Wet wipes essential. Life changer
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Tay on January 05, 2016, 12:59:55 AM
Wet wipes essential. Life changer

Several people have sworn by this, butt wipes seem like a larger investment than toilet paper. Could you post a play by play cost-benefit analysis friend?

I've recently been informed I got life fucked up for practicing a wiping technique which involves spreading one's legs and expunging fences by wiping any excrement backward. I'm playing the lottery here comrades cuz I gotta uncontrollable bladder so occasionally I tinkle on the tp going in. Thing is, I find it to be an optimal solution due to the time-saving aspect of spreading your cheeks before being seated. Not to mention biking really takes its toll on the hindquarters.

Thanks in advance for any advice. Love you guys!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Can of Soup on January 05, 2016, 08:26:10 PM
Wet wipes essential. Life changer

Several people have sworn by this, butt wipes seem like a larger investment than toilet paper. Could you post a play by play cost-benefit analysis friend?

I've recently been informed I got life fucked up for practicing a wiping technique which involves spreading one's legs and expunging fences by wiping any excrement backward. I'm playing the lottery here comrades cuz I gotta uncontrollable bladder so occasionally I tinkle on the tp going in. Thing is, I find it to be an optimal solution due to the time-saving aspect of spreading your cheeks before being seated. Not to mention biking really takes its toll on the hindquarters.

Thanks in advance for any advice. Love you guys!

Isn't it kind of wild how there could totally be a science to optimal pooping and wiping? Hoping the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation gets to the bottom  ;D of this.
Feel like you gotta go both directions for optimal cleaning--also, never understood why the bidet hasn't caught on in North America. Like, if you got poop on your arm, would you just wipe it off? Nah.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: mynameisnotjeff on January 18, 2016, 11:31:18 PM
Wet wipes essential. Life changer

Several people have sworn by this, butt wipes seem like a larger investment than toilet paper. Could you post a play by play cost-benefit analysis friend?

I've recently been informed I got life fucked up for practicing a wiping technique which involves spreading one's legs and expunging fences by wiping any excrement backward. I'm playing the lottery here comrades cuz I gotta uncontrollable bladder so occasionally I tinkle on the tp going in. Thing is, I find it to be an optimal solution due to the time-saving aspect of spreading your cheeks before being seated. Not to mention biking really takes its toll on the hindquarters.

Thanks in advance for any advice. Love you guys!

Isn't it kind of wild how there could totally be a science to optimal pooping and wiping? Hoping the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation gets to the bottom  ;D of this.
Feel like you gotta go both directions for optimal cleaning--also, never understood why the bidet hasn't caught on in North America. Like, if you got poop on your arm, would you just wipe it off? Nah.

Too big of a change for people haha
I tried one once, you are never ready for the stream. You think you might be but, the stream will get you
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on January 25, 2016, 10:02:47 PM
So i take a shit every morning like a normal person does but when it gets later in the day i have the feeling to shit again. I refuse to poop twice in one day because my asshole sucks and i literally spend at least 3 minutes just wiping. I use at least a full roll of toilet paper every fucking time and im pretty sure i can't use wet wipes because my asshole is so torn up from tp that it will just sting so bad. I would have to not shit for a day or two so it heals up in order to use wet wipes. Fuck my life
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Silky Johnson on January 25, 2016, 10:31:23 PM
So i take a shit every morning like a normal person does but when it gets later in the day i have the feeling to shit again. I refuse to poop twice in one day because my asshole sucks and i literally spend at least 3 minutes just wiping. I use at least a full roll of toilet paper every fucking time and im pretty sure i can't use wet wipes because my asshole is so torn up from tp that it will just sting so bad. I would have to not shit for a day or two so it heals up in order to use wet wipes. Fuck my life
Vasaline dude, my asshole was raw from some intense diarrhea one day and it kept it from stinging and it healed it faster too.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Xtal on January 26, 2016, 05:45:13 AM
So i take a shit every morning like a normal person does but when it gets later in the day i have the feeling to shit again. I refuse to poop twice in one day because my asshole sucks and i literally spend at least 3 minutes just wiping. I use at least a full roll of toilet paper every fucking time and im pretty sure i can't use wet wipes because my asshole is so torn up from tp that it will just sting so bad. I would have to not shit for a day or two so it heals up in order to use wet wipes. Fuck my life

You should be shitting 3-4 times a day. Shitting once and then holding your second shit in is not good. You're asking for colon cancer bud.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: ttching! on January 26, 2016, 08:12:41 AM
(http://whatsyourdeal.com/grocery-coupons/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/capture1.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on February 07, 2016, 09:25:58 AM
So i take a shit every morning like a normal person does but when it gets later in the day i have the feeling to shit again. I refuse to poop twice in one day because my asshole sucks and i literally spend at least 3 minutes just wiping. I use at least a full roll of toilet paper every fucking time and im pretty sure i can't use wet wipes because my asshole is so torn up from tp that it will just sting so bad. I would have to not shit for a day or two so it heals up in order to use wet wipes. Fuck my life

What the fuck is wrong with your body
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Righteous Victim on February 07, 2016, 09:47:25 AM
Once when I was a kid I wiped with my bare fingers and then smeared it on a chair in the kitchen. I rule.

Now my asshole is very hairy and I dread taking a shit. More like dingle bananas with me. One time I wetted the paper in the sink and it seemed to work but I haven't tried it since.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on February 07, 2016, 09:54:37 AM
So i take a shit every morning like a normal person does but when it gets later in the day i have the feeling to shit again. I refuse to poop twice in one day because my asshole sucks and i literally spend at least 3 minutes just wiping. I use at least a full roll of toilet paper every fucking time and im pretty sure i can't use wet wipes because my asshole is so torn up from tp that it will just sting so bad. I would have to not shit for a day or two so it heals up in order to use wet wipes. Fuck my life

What the fuck is wrong with your body

I don't know but i just pooped and it was a no wiper, nothing can go wrong today now
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: PC500 on February 09, 2016, 03:57:11 AM
it does feel quite good ^

 do you know what's amazing and what I miss a lot, those poo hoses they have in south east Asia. My butthole has never felt so clean.

I've been living in SE Asia on and off for the last few years. Currently in Indo. The bum-gun is a gamechanger and one of the major reasons I love this place. Pro tip: always give the gun a quick squirt before use, especially if it's an unfamiliar one to gauge the water pressure and trigger sensitivity. Water pressure varies drastically from city to city, even house to house. You don't need an accidental enema. 
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Gay Imp Sausage Metal on February 23, 2016, 07:10:27 PM
Robot bidet toilets in Japan ... I can never go back
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on June 21, 2016, 10:10:13 AM
Got wet wipes today, fucking game changer
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: glutton. on June 21, 2016, 01:42:29 PM
I'm taking a shit right now. I'm going to go straight into the shower so I don't have to use toilet paper.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: skate_spbr on June 28, 2016, 07:16:20 AM
I'm taking a shit right now. I'm going to go straight into the shower so I don't have to use toilet paper.
reminded me of how much I fucking hate when I have to take a shit after I just took a shower
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: perverted super otaku! on June 28, 2016, 08:40:25 AM
moisture is key at some point, all dry wipes practices just aint cutting it
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: swag nollies on June 28, 2016, 10:04:56 PM
What can I add to my diet to get the shit to just slide out? Im usuallly stuck with a little piece hanging and gotta try and finesse that shit without smushing it. Its annoying as fuck.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Silky Johnson on June 28, 2016, 10:18:08 PM
What can I add to my diet to get the shit to just slide out? Im usuallly stuck with a little piece hanging and gotta try and finesse that shit without smushing it. Its annoying as fuck.
Broccoli
Beans
Whole wheat bread
Those fiber candy bars
Cup of coffee
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Gay Imp Sausage Metal on June 28, 2016, 10:25:00 PM
What can I add to my diet to get the shit to just slide out? Im usuallly stuck with a little piece hanging and gotta try and finesse that shit without smushing it. Its annoying as fuck.
Broccoli
Beans
Whole wheat bread
Those fiber candy bars
Cup of coffee

lots of fruit too
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on June 29, 2016, 06:06:08 AM
Just came here to say this is my favorite topic.

Once I had a messy turd in airport, and I had to open the water reservoir to wet the paper and clean up the mess before running to my flight.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Righteous Victim on June 29, 2016, 09:24:25 AM
3 quick shit stories (not about wiping):

When I was 11 my friend and I shit in the forest behind my house. I was finishing up and my friend burst out laughing for some reason. He said my dog was eating his shit. We went back in my house and my dog threw up my friend's shit and my mom made my brother clean it up.

Around the same time my cousin, my brother and I were walking around the forest my cousin lived in and we found a bucket. Of course I shit in it, and we put it in a little stream and let the current carry it off. We chased after it, saved it by putting a big stick under the handle and fishing it out, and put it back in and kept doing this for who knows how long.

And one time I ate about 12 vanilla puddings and had a totally vanilla shit.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on July 07, 2016, 02:37:54 PM
I eat healthy and take magnesium and my turds look like cartoon turds. They're perfectly shaped and colored. I should get one bronzed.

Just came here to say this is my favorite topic.

Once I had a messy turd in airport, and I had to open the water reservoir to wet the paper and clean up the mess before running to my flight.


To clean it off of yourself? Where did it go and how did it get there? I've had violent diarrhea before but not to where it ends up back on me.

I got busted taking a shit in my neighbor's back yard when I was like 8 or 9. It was this elderly couple who had this huge overgrown yard, and there was a plastic lawn chair back there that had the seat broken at some point and there was a hole in it. I felt that it was similar enough to a toilet and at that point I had never shit outside before and was curious, so I went for it. Mr. Henning was really, really mad but I finished. He dragged me back to my house to tell my parents and my dad thought it was amazing and hilarious.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on July 07, 2016, 02:45:40 PM
Got wet wipes today, fucking game changer

careful ...I hear they get easily clogged in the waste pipe drain
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/11-things-you-should-never-flush-down-the-toilet.html (http://www.care2.com/greenliving/11-things-you-should-never-flush-down-the-toilet.html)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: swag nollies on July 07, 2016, 02:50:24 PM
I used to live in my crx, so one morning I woke up and immediatly had to shit, this was the most uncrontralable feeling Ive ever had, prolly from all the mcdonalds I was eating. I only had enough time to swing the door open and pull my shorts down. Steaming hot brownie batter everywhere, and it wont stop. Theres people driving by as I shit outta my car into the parking lot, atleast 5 cars drove by and saw me. So I take my socks and wipe and gtfoutta there and hit up mcdonalds to wipe the rest. Welcome to my life.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Righteous Victim on July 07, 2016, 02:52:19 PM
Got wet wipes today, fucking game changer

careful ...I hear they get easily clogged in the waste pipe drain
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/11-things-you-should-never-flush-down-the-toilet.html (http://www.care2.com/greenliving/11-things-you-should-never-flush-down-the-toilet.html)
I remember on Stern they were talking about some guy whose toilet was fucked so he had a 'hamper' where you had to put your shitty paper.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on July 07, 2016, 03:04:45 PM
Got wet wipes today, fucking game changer

careful ...I hear they get easily clogged in the waste pipe drain
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/11-things-you-should-never-flush-down-the-toilet.html (http://www.care2.com/greenliving/11-things-you-should-never-flush-down-the-toilet.html)
I remember on Stern they were talking about some guy whose toilet was fucked so he had a 'hamper' where you had to put your shitty paper.

Joe Rogan and Kevin Smith talked about it on his podcast

go to 24:00 timestamp (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ue9FbQPX2s0[/url)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on July 08, 2016, 03:58:46 AM
Got wet wipes today, fucking game changer

careful ...I hear they get easily clogged in the waste pipe drain
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/11-things-you-should-never-flush-down-the-toilet.html (http://www.care2.com/greenliving/11-things-you-should-never-flush-down-the-toilet.html)
I remember on Stern they were talking about some guy whose toilet was fucked so he had a 'hamper' where you had to put your shitty paper.
This is common in a lot of countries.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on July 08, 2016, 11:56:32 AM
I eat healthy and take magnesium and my turds look like cartoon turds. They're perfectly shaped and colored. I should get one bronzed.

Just came here to say this is my favorite topic.

Once I had a messy turd in airport, and I had to open the water reservoir to wet the paper and clean up the mess before running to my flight.


To clean it off of yourself? Where did it go and how did it get there? I've had violent diarrhea before but not to where it ends up back on me.

I got busted taking a shit in my neighbor's back yard when I was like 8 or 9. It was this elderly couple who had this huge overgrown yard, and there was a plastic lawn chair back there that had the seat broken at some point and there was a hole in it. I felt that it was similar enough to a toilet and at that point I had never shit outside before and was curious, so I went for it. Mr. Henning was really, really mad but I finished. He dragged me back to my house to tell my parents and my dad thought it was amazing and hilarious.

My butt is hairy, so after a flaccid turd, the shit is everywhere, so only option is wet washing.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Main on July 08, 2016, 01:26:29 PM
I've been having excellent shits for many years now. Usually 3-4 times a day so I'm regular. I'm addicted to this stuff called "Kefir" which is like a cousin of yogurt. I eat it with greek yogurt, fruit, and granola every day. I also drink Kombucha frequently so my diet consists of a good source of fermented and probiotic rich foods. I also only drink water whenever I'm thirsty, no soda, beer rarely. I still eat plenty of meat and cheese but it all just solidifies into perfect smooth turds since I balance it out with other healthy stuff. My only problem is my hairy asshole that requires some extra tp usage.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jumping Beans on July 08, 2016, 02:13:32 PM
Have we discussed whether it's better to have the toilet paper hanging over or under?  Because the answer is clearly over, and I've changed it to that way in other people's houses like an asshole.  No pun intended.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on July 08, 2016, 02:30:48 PM
Have we discussed whether it's better to have the toilet paper hanging over or under?  Because the answer is clearly over, and I've changed it to that way in other people's houses like an asshole.  No pun intended.
Over = Standard for me
(http://americandigest.org/aprocon-over-under.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jumping Beans on July 08, 2016, 04:23:19 PM
Knew it.  Fuck Ann Landers.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Adam Carolla on July 08, 2016, 04:51:27 PM
why the fuck would u go under its srsly fukin stupid and for retards
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: glutton. on July 11, 2016, 10:28:52 AM
^
My roommate would always put toilet paper on like that, and use way too much toilet paper, despite the fact that I always buy Charmin Ultra. I go through a roll every two to three weeks. It would make it through three or four days whenever he was around...probably wrapped his hand in a toilet paper glove every time.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jumping Beans on July 13, 2016, 06:04:20 AM
While I would prefer my current situation to the impending unemployment I'm soon facing.. My boss at the moment operates out of his back yard, and won't let employees in his house.  Therefore, if I want to take a leak or a dump, I have to clock out for 15mins (no paid breaks here) and go up the street to the nearest coffee shop.

There's an old saying.. "Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I shit on company time".  I'm really looking forward to that being a reality for me again.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on July 14, 2016, 12:28:12 AM
While I would prefer my current situation to the impending unemployment I'm soon facing.. My boss at the moment operates out of his back yard, and won't let employees in his house.  Therefore, if I want to take a leak or a dump, I have to clock out for 15mins (no paid breaks here) and go up the street to the nearest coffee shop.

There's an old saying.. "Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I shit on company time".  I'm really looking forward to that being a reality for me again.
Is it not illegal for him not to provide bathroom facilities?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jumping Beans on July 14, 2016, 04:41:08 AM
He's not even taking deductions off my checks or giving me paystubs, or any paid breaks.  I think his scheme is he's hiring me as a self-employed sub-contractor or something, so technically I'm not his employee and he doesn't have to do shit for me.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on July 14, 2016, 04:50:52 AM
Depending on what state you're in, if you're 1099 your options are probably to either continue doing what you're doing or to go fuck yourself. Most states don't offer a whole lot of protection if you're 1099.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: AitchBeeGayBuh on August 03, 2016, 03:38:44 PM
Some years ago my buddies and I were discussing how hard it was to wipe when one of my friends blurted out, "I like to spit in the toilet paper, then wipe, that way it's like a wet wipe n u can flush it too."

Time passed and we were havin a party when that dude was using the bathroom for a while. I had this loud ass girlfriend at the time who yelled some shit then thought it would be a good idea to bust open the door and take a picture of his reaction.

The sight of a mid-twenties man spittin into a wad of toilet paper to wipe his bootyhole still makes me chuckle after some time now...
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on August 03, 2016, 04:44:23 PM
While I would prefer my current situation to the impending unemployment I'm soon facing.. My boss at the moment operates out of his back yard, and won't let employees in his house.  Therefore, if I want to take a leak or a dump, I have to clock out for 15mins (no paid breaks here) and go up the street to the nearest coffee shop.

There's an old saying.. "Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I shit on company time".  I'm really looking forward to that being a reality for me again.

I hate taking shit breaks at work...i can never get it all out and have to keep going back.  Thats why i like shitting at home so I can sit and chill for however long needed to get it all out. 
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on August 03, 2016, 04:56:45 PM
I sit and chill and take as long as I need at work. That's the best part of the whole thing.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: swag nollies on August 03, 2016, 05:23:31 PM
At my old job I would ask to use the bathroom and just leave, go to mcdonalds, smerk a joint, ciggarete, then a couple hours later I would take a shit again foreal. They wont say anything if its under 20 minutes, above that they might ask questions though.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dirtyweemidden on September 27, 2016, 09:15:15 AM
I sit and chill and take as long as I need at work. That's the best part of the whole thing.

for reals! theres no greater joy than taking a stupidly long time to poo at work
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on September 27, 2016, 09:44:11 AM
I sit and chill and take as long as I need at work. That's the best part of the whole thing.

I can too, I just don't like shitting in public stalls, i get claustrophobic, my old office had really hard toilet paper too, luckily my new job has soft Tp  :P
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: JB on September 27, 2016, 12:29:56 PM
i dont know how long i take at work, but its long enough for my computer to go to sleep.

and i dont care about other people being in there as long as their not doing something weird. last week some asshole came in there while i was shitting and brushed his teeth for a whole five minutes. he even stopped mid way though, spit, then started brushing again. it made me uncomfortable because im a nice person and i didnt want to be audibly pooping while someone in the same room as me tried cleaning their mouth, so i just sat their in silence while this dude totally chilled and brushed his teeth. bad experience all together.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on September 27, 2016, 12:36:54 PM
i dont know how long i take at work, but its long enough for my computer to go to sleep.

and i dont care about other people being in there as long as their not doing something weird. last week some asshole came in there while i was shitting and brushed his teeth for a whole five minutes. he even stopped mid way though, spit, then started brushing again. it made me uncomfortable because im a nice person and i didnt want to be audibly pooping while someone in the same room as me tried cleaning their mouth, so i just sat their in silence while this dude totally chilled and brushed his teeth. bad experience all together.

Sometimes when I walk in the bathroom my autistant (autistic assistant) is just standing there brushing his teeth in the tiny crowded room we empty our bowels in. How much cleaner do these people think their mouths are after rubbing shit particles all over their teeth?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on September 27, 2016, 12:47:57 PM
i dont know how long i take at work, but its long enough for my computer to go to sleep.

and i dont care about other people being in there as long as their not doing something weird. last week some asshole came in there while i was shitting and brushed his teeth for a whole five minutes. he even stopped mid way though, spit, then started brushing again. it made me uncomfortable because im a nice person and i didnt want to be audibly pooping while someone in the same room as me tried cleaning their mouth, so i just sat their in silence while this dude totally chilled and brushed his teeth. bad experience all together.

We only had 2 stalls 2 urinals, really small too,  I have the same issue too if someone else shows up I halt the attack.  I myself laugh uncontrollably when I hear someone making shit noises, some of those sounds are straight up fucked, sometimes I want to be like "yoooo You ok in there" but laugh instead
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: JB on September 27, 2016, 12:53:49 PM
autistant (autistic assistant)

amazing.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Jim and Dan on September 30, 2016, 07:37:05 AM
Loving all this shitting-at-work talk, glad everybody is in the same boat as me here.

I wiped my ass this morning & nothing was there, it was fucking great...
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on October 01, 2016, 09:25:34 AM
Loving all this shitting-at-work talk, glad everybody is in the same boat as me here.

I wiped my ass this morning & nothing was there, it was fucking great...
Ghost wipe the whip
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on October 04, 2016, 03:20:44 PM
ghost wipe is one those amazing joys of life like taking the price tag off in one clean peel
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on October 22, 2016, 09:57:32 AM
Hey any of you have mastered wiping using either of hands?

I remember once it was kinda difficult with the right hand, so I had to do switch stance with lefty and it was super difficult.

Like starting riding swich on a skateboard.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: swag nollies on October 22, 2016, 02:06:55 PM
Hey any of you have mastered wiping using either of hands?

I remember once it was kinda difficult with the right hand, so I had to do switch stance with lefty and it was super difficult.

Like starting riding swich on a skateboard.
Nah you got to so you can hit both hemispheres.

I take a bump of caffeine and take a huge nasty shit in morning, that shit works, its like a purge.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shitsandwich on October 22, 2016, 04:20:36 PM
I've always wondered why its such commonplace to bring books into the restroom. Like why do people take such long shits? I'm usually in and out in like 2-3 minutes. I'll usually put a song on my phone before hand though
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: somethingmustbreaknow on October 23, 2016, 01:56:02 AM
ok, but then you are missing out on something buddy.
taking long shits is like a spiritual place of forging ideas.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: swag nollies on October 23, 2016, 07:37:23 AM
Never bring a book into the bathroom in jail, unless its yours. Just a tip. Nobody want your doo doo hands on my pages.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on November 06, 2016, 02:09:08 PM
ok, but then you are missing out on something buddy.
taking long shits is like a spiritual place of forging ideas.

It really is. It's like the shower but the ideas are way less abstract and wackadoo. For me anyways.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on November 10, 2016, 03:44:03 PM
I used to bring skate magazines to the shitter all the time...but nowadays I just scroll twitter and IG whenever I take a long shit.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on November 10, 2016, 03:47:25 PM
I took 2 15 minute shits today, thanks trump
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on November 13, 2016, 02:26:10 AM
Finland pals,
You have toilets equipped with small shower head... how do you use that? During my Finland visits I didn't dare to try.

I'm all in for proper hygiene. Makes me wonder if Finns experience often messy turds, therefore nationwide standard of butt shower system? I'm curious!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Dirtymac on November 16, 2016, 06:31:50 AM
Hey any of you have mastered wiping using either of hands?

I remember once it was kinda difficult with the right hand, so I had to do switch stance with lefty and it was super difficult.

Like starting riding swich on a skateboard.
Had to wipe switch for several weeks due to a separated shoulder. I found that by just wrapping my left hand with TP it was a lot easier.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Krooked antihero on November 21, 2016, 10:13:56 AM
Finland pals,
You have toilets equipped with small shower head... how do you use that? During my Finland visits I didn't dare to try.

I'm all in for proper hygiene. Makes me wonder if Finns experience often messy turds, therefore nationwide standard of butt shower system? I'm curious!

That small shower head - thing next to sink is for mostly for women, often referred as " pussy-phone" in finnish slang. Of course men can use that as well after some nasty shitting, i think it's based on traditional french bidet, which is like a low sink where you sit down and let water spray to clean up your ass. Although we finns do eat a lot of meat...
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on November 23, 2016, 02:01:28 PM
Quote from: Krooked antihero  link=topic=25546.msg2573838#msg2573838 date=1479752036
Finland pals,
You have toilets equipped with small shower head... how do you use that? During my Finland visits I didn't dare to try.

I'm all in for proper hygiene. Makes me wonder if Finns experience often messy turds, therefore nationwide standard of butt shower system? I'm curious!

That small shower head - thing next to sink is for mostly for women, often referred as " pussy-phone" in finnish slang. Of course men can use that as well after some nasty shitting, i think it's based on traditional french bidet, which is like a low sink where you sit down and let water spray to clean up your ass. Although we finns do eat a lot of meat...
And drink as though your lives depend on it.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on November 23, 2016, 06:44:22 PM
I don't know what the hell is going on but my last like 7 poops were no wipers. I'm dreading the day this streak ends
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on November 24, 2016, 02:20:54 AM
I don't know what the hell is going on but my last like 7 poops were no wipers. I'm dreading the day this streak ends
I don't know if you know what you've done there.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Esquivel on November 24, 2016, 02:35:21 AM
Hey any of you have mastered wiping using either of hands?

I remember once it was kinda difficult with the right hand, so I had to do switch stance with lefty and it was super difficult.

Like starting riding swich on a skateboard.
Had to wipe switch for several weeks due to a separated shoulder. I found that by just wrapping my left hand with TP it was a lot easier.

Amazing thread. After various devastating injuries on both arms i can confidently say that i am now stanceless in wiping my butt. There isn't even a feeling of reminiscing "oh i used to be goofy/regular", it only depends on whichever hand grabs the bog roll first.
Also, Soda, is a "ghost wipe" the equivalent to "Ace"? my irish friends used to call it that way but g.w. feels stronger haha
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on November 24, 2016, 11:03:46 AM
It's crazy how often I have wipeless shits considering the way I eat/drink. I think I may have the perfect asshole.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on November 24, 2016, 11:04:37 AM
happy thanksgiving guys
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on November 24, 2016, 11:49:55 AM
so what's the consensus..regular wipe is through the front, back to front..or through the back, front to back..i need to know if ive been wiping mongo
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: somethingmustbreaknow on November 24, 2016, 05:53:08 PM
People stand up to wipe?? ? ?? ??

(http://images.wikia.com/headhuntershorrorhouse/images/3/3d/Exploding_head.gif)

since that is my favorite post in this thread, i thought i'm gonna bring it back to the front page.
it still blows my mind literally. how could anyone really stand up to wipe his arse. i do not get it.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on November 24, 2016, 11:42:00 PM
Have you tried it?
That's the only way to do in public bathrooms where hover shitting is a must.
Good workout for thighs.  ;)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Esquivel on November 29, 2016, 06:11:01 AM
People stand up to wipe?? ? ?? ??

(http://images.wikia.com/headhuntershorrorhouse/images/3/3d/Exploding_head.gif)

since that is my favorite post in this thread, i thought i'm gonna bring it back to the front page.
it still blows my mind literally. how could anyone really stand up to wipe his arse. i do not get it.

i only just started wiping my ass seated. I used to wipe while standing but a semi-recent elbow-blow made it impossible to reach if i was standing so i started wiping while seated. Since my elbow healed i have been partially wiping seated and then finishing the job standing. This gives the ability to pay extra attention to detail haha
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on November 29, 2016, 09:20:14 AM
so what's the consensus..regular wipe is through the front, back to front..or through the back, front to back..i need to know if ive been wiping mongo

Through the back, back-to-front. What kind of savage goes the other way?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: doomstation55 on November 29, 2016, 09:28:07 AM
Pro tip wipe before you poo not after trust me
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: lilpeen on November 29, 2016, 12:19:30 PM
so what's the consensus..regular wipe is through the front, back to front..or through the back, front to back..i need to know if ive been wiping mongo

Through the back, back-to-front. What kind of savage goes the other way?
No, you go front to back. A girl said this, so she doesnt get poo in her vagine and ive adapted it, dont want poo on my balls you know. But I go "grab", to make sure theres not poo hanging first, then go in a circular scrubby motion to get the hole nice. Then front to back, switching hands every other swipe to focus on each half of my bum. Then circular scrubby motion to make sure nothing else is left behind in my bumhole. Sometimes requires 2 flushes, I take this shit serious.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on November 29, 2016, 12:31:03 PM
so what's the consensus..regular wipe is through the front, back to front..or through the back, front to back..i need to know if ive been wiping mongo

Through the back, back-to-front. What kind of savage goes the other way?
No, you go front to back. A girl said this, so she doesnt get poo in her vagine and ive adapted it, dont want poo on my balls you know. But I go "grab", to make sure theres not poo hanging first, then go in a circular scrubby motion to get the hole nice. Then front to back, switching hands every other swipe to focus on each half of my bum. Then circular scrubby motion to make sure nothing else is left behind in my bumhole. Sometimes requires 2 flushes, I take this shit serious.

Ahhh shit I meant front to back and being corrected by you is like a dog turd telling you to get your life sorted.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dirtyweemidden on November 29, 2016, 12:47:27 PM
fully agree Pals, through the back, balls to back. sitting down with a slight lean to the left for maximum arm clearance
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on November 29, 2016, 03:31:45 PM
Pro tip wipe before you poo not after trust me

hmmm will try this later
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on November 30, 2016, 07:22:42 PM
Do you guys do a full detail in the shower? Or am I odd one out?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on December 01, 2016, 11:16:35 AM
^ What?
Shit the shower?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on December 01, 2016, 11:34:25 AM
I think he's asking if we clean our asses in the shower? I hope not because he should have been doing that all along
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on December 01, 2016, 11:53:41 AM
ive always washed my ass but recently ive been getting all up in there..like im pretty sure im first knuckle and getting it squeaky clean
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on December 01, 2016, 11:56:42 AM
I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you're just fingering your ass.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: lilpeen on December 01, 2016, 12:01:29 PM
ive always washed my ass but recently ive been getting all up in there..like im pretty sure im first knuckle and getting it squeaky clean
You can get paid for that if you webcam it
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on December 02, 2016, 09:55:41 AM
I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you're just fingering your ass.
Are you sure you're not a Doctor? 'Cause that sounds like a fancy medical term "fingering ".
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on December 02, 2016, 12:10:59 PM
I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you're just fingering your ass.
Are you sure you're not a Doctor? 'Cause that sounds like a fancy medical term "fingering ".

When I took that 6 week course to be certified as Chief of Medicine at a Paraguayan hospital all the textbooks called it Puta Dedo so I only use that when I'm trying to impress.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on December 02, 2016, 03:08:13 PM
I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you're just fingering your ass.
Are you sure you're not a Doctor? 'Cause that sounds like a fancy medical term "fingering ".

When I took that 6 week course to be certified as Chief of Medicine at a Paraguayan hospital all the textbooks called it Puta Dedo so I only use that when I'm trying to impress.
Soooooo?you are a doctor?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on December 02, 2016, 03:27:45 PM
doctor or not...does fingering my b-hole in the shower get a pass or not?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: stabbedbywiggers on December 02, 2016, 03:44:59 PM
doctor or not...does fingering my b-hole in the shower get a pass or not?
Yeah if it makes you feel good, you could also get a little shower dildo so your finger doesn't get shitty.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on December 03, 2016, 02:11:03 AM
doctor or not...does fingering my b-hole in the shower get a pass or not?
Yeah if it makes you feel good, you could also get a little shower dildo so your finger doesn't get shitty.
Just use the toothbrush of your least favourite housemate, you know the one that leaves just a sip of juice and puts the bottle back in the fridge.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on December 04, 2016, 04:43:28 AM
doctor or not...does fingering my b-hole in the shower get a pass or not?

I don't think it makes you any cleaner but if you like it go ahead.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: stabbedbywiggers on December 07, 2016, 11:13:53 AM
A poo confession - I have to rail a massive line of caffeine in the morning to even think about shitting. It doesnt even come out runny anymore though so thats good, or bad. Its my muscles all tight from coming off these benzos, my butthole is clenched 24/7.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: JB on December 07, 2016, 11:44:45 AM
coffee always works for me, but do your thing man.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: stabbedbywiggers on December 07, 2016, 12:09:41 PM
Coffee aint shit to me. padum pum. Railing caffiene is like 5 espressos to the head. Dont even get me started on I.V. caffiene.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: JB on December 07, 2016, 01:09:30 PM
Coffee aint shit to me. padum pum. Railing caffiene is like 5 espressos to the head. Dont even get me started on I.V. caffiene.

come on, you know you wanna get started on that. whats it like? 10 espressos? 15? do you have to shoot it sitting on the toilet just in case?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: JB on December 09, 2016, 12:54:33 PM
thinking about asking for one of these for christmas. figured you guys might like one too.

(http://i.imgur.com/5nQsXJM.gif)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dirtyweemidden on December 11, 2016, 03:07:52 AM
does anyone else lay down a little splash guard of TP before siting down? I cant stand the feeling of toilet water splashing up onto my asshole.

always lay a pad of paper on top of the water befor eletting loose... also makes it easier to inspect the damage afterwards
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Esquivel on December 12, 2016, 02:23:06 AM
yeah, depending on the toilet i am using. If it is a family/friend's toilet that i know there is a possibility of splash then i make sure i lay a square. If its a public toilet i just squat too high for any splash to reach my ass. But yeah, it's the most disgusting feeling ever, especially when the ambient temperature is cold and you do feel those droplets running down your cheeks/thighs
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: stabbedbywiggers on December 14, 2016, 08:36:18 AM
Sometimes... I dont even wash my hands after  :o
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on December 14, 2016, 09:41:44 AM
Sometimes almost always... I dont even wash my hands after  :o
Ftfy
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: stabbedbywiggers on December 14, 2016, 09:47:45 AM
Sometimes almost always... I dont even wash my hands after  :o
Ftfy
Yeah only if other people are in the bathroom, dont want them to think Im gross or anything.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: 12321 on December 16, 2016, 10:39:17 PM
Paper - Balled up
Look? - Hell ya

And if I'm at home and the shit was out of control I hop in the shower after wiping, so I feel fresh again.

Topic was funny as hell I laughed hard at some responses.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on December 17, 2016, 02:34:55 AM
I need coffee to have my shits nice, firm and clean. If I skip lunchtime coffee then I can expect fucking wipefest at the evening shitter session.

Kinda contradicting to coffee working as a laxative?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on December 23, 2016, 11:35:07 AM
As the festive meals are coming up I'm really looking forward to experiences with post feasting turds and wiping.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Cuban_Lynx on December 24, 2016, 05:28:30 PM
I need coffee to have my shits nice, firm and clean. If I skip lunchtime coffee then I can expect fucking wipefest at the evening shitter session.

Kinda contradicting to coffee working as a laxative?
I drink at least a pot a day. I got the meanest, cleanest, feces.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pencil on December 25, 2016, 08:37:25 PM
this thread literally changed my life.  I would stand and wipe before then when I found this a few years ago I made the switch and my ass is super clean
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Righteous Victim on December 26, 2016, 04:35:26 PM
does anyone else lay down a little splash guard of TP before siting down? I cant stand the feeling of toilet water splashing up onto my asshole.

always lay a pad of paper on top of the water befor eletting loose... also makes it easier to inspect the damage afterwards
I would but I've been clogging a lot recently and I try to minimize the amount of paper used. I still clog with only 5 squares.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on December 27, 2016, 05:36:39 AM
I need coffee to have my shits nice, firm and clean. If I skip lunchtime coffee then I can expect fucking wipefest at the evening shitter session.

Kinda contradicting to coffee working as a laxative?

Isn't it more that coffee warms your pipes and gets things moving? It's a bit fast acting to be a laxative.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Cuban_Lynx on December 27, 2016, 10:42:30 AM
I need coffee to have my shits nice, firm and clean. If I skip lunchtime coffee then I can expect fucking wipefest at the evening shitter session.

Kinda contradicting to coffee working as a laxative?

Isn't it more that coffee warms your pipes and gets things moving? It's a bit fast acting to be a laxative.
Not exactly a laxative, I think there is something to the acidity that stimulates the colon.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2015/08/10/why-does-coffee-make-you-poop/?utm_term=.b4d9b51f1847 (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2015/08/10/why-does-coffee-make-you-poop/?utm_term=.b4d9b51f1847)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: AitchBeeGayBuh on December 31, 2016, 05:22:15 PM
As I get older my shit gets weirder n more interesting, the other day I took a shit, barley felt like I farted, got up n was astonished at what I saw. It was a huge shit with a wide circumference an periscoped a good few inches above sea level.

Babe was not impressed...
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on December 31, 2016, 05:48:13 PM
I been getting psych out poops. First poop of the day is always easy and a no wiper. Then a couple of hours later I guess the real poop comes and I spend about just 5 minutes of wiping after
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pencil on December 31, 2016, 10:02:42 PM
I try to hold my poop in until I go to work because the plumbing is really nice there and I take a long time so I get paid like $1.75 to poop
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dirtyweemidden on January 02, 2017, 02:44:26 AM
I try to hold my poop in until I go to work because the plumbing is really nice there and I take a long time so I get paid like $1.75 to poop

my favourite thing to do at work is figure out how much i got paid to poop
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on January 02, 2017, 12:49:59 PM
I been getting psych out poops. First poop of the day is always easy and a no wiper. Then a couple of hours later I guess the real poop comes and I spend about just 5 minutes of wiping after
Try to hold that shit, cook it. Unfortunately I don't have any good tips on how hold it up. Coffee after a meal works for me. Lots of water for sure. Then I get consistent ghost shits, nice and smooth.

Don't have any stories to share over Christmas poops.  :( Standard shitting procedure for me.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: pencil on January 07, 2017, 02:52:55 PM
I went on a few tinder dates this week and I know it sounds shitty or lame but I actually got my sushi paid for 3 different times this week.  On thursday I was staying at this girls house and her cousin and cousins boyfriend were sleeping outside on the couch.  The sushi fucked up my stomach and I definitely was about to fuck up a toilet but there were too many witness.  I have never clinched my b-hole so much as when I thought I might shit her bed that night.  Around 4 am when I was sure everyone was asleep I ran to the bathroom and fucking destroyed that toilet only to find out there was no TP.  I ended up using a wash cloth and threw that shit out the window
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on January 07, 2017, 08:21:29 PM
whenever im mad at my wife, i leave my poop in the toilet with no flush (minimal wipe for better reaction)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on January 08, 2017, 06:46:26 AM
whenever im mad at my wife, i leave my poop in the toilet with no flush (minimal wipe for better reaction)

I do that to assert dominance and show her what kind of a man she's dealing with because my dumps are huge, perfect, and frequent.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Level 60 Dwarf Paladin on January 16, 2017, 07:46:44 PM
I always hated shitting at my inlaws because I thought they were cheap, keeping the 1-ply industry in business by stocking the guest bathroom for years. They're out of town but we came over to do laundry tonight, used their master bathroom and they have luxurious ass Charmin in there. I feel like they hate me now.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Abyss1 on January 19, 2017, 12:38:26 PM
Started doing the pre-wipe this year 8)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: mynameisnotjeff on January 19, 2017, 11:58:42 PM
I always hated shitting at my inlaws because I thought they were cheap, keeping the 1-ply industry in business by stocking the guest bathroom for years. They're out of town but we came over to do laundry tonight, used their master bathroom and they have luxurious ass Charmin in there. I feel like they hate me now.

Damn haha

This reminded me that I was at this cheap buffet and I had to go make space for 3 more plates and guilt. So I run to the bathroom in a hurry. It was already gross as shit and every time I went there some sus shit tended to happen. So I proceed to take one of the most powerful shits of my life. If anime was real I would've maxed out the super saiyan levels. Everything was cool and I begin to wipe. 2 wipes in and I ran out of toilet paper. So I check if there's more in there and the back up paper roll holder thing was empty. I heard 2 people walk in and out from the smell and i was embarrassed to ask for help, at the time I didn't have a phone so I couldn't call for help. So I resourced to using the toilet seat covers. I folded that shit and it became stupid sharp, I powered though until the job was done. My ass was sore and I tried to power through the pain and walk like nothing happened, which was useless because my parents asked me why i was walking weird. I never went there again and I learned that day to always check for TP before beginning.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: somethingmustbreaknow on January 20, 2017, 03:07:22 AM
guess i gotta rethink my diet and shit.
since a couple of weeks i keep having
quite messy shits,  they always result
in a massive wipe-fest.  shitting takes
so much more time now and i miss the
satisfaction that you get when having
an upright clean shit. way to start an
awesome& good day in the mornings.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: JB on January 20, 2017, 09:01:20 AM
guess i gotta rethink my diat and shit. since a couple of weeks i keep having quite messy shits, they always result in a massive wipe-fest. shitting takes so much more time now and i miss the satisfaction that you get when having an upright clean shit. way to start an awesome & good day in the mornings.

just quoting you to fuck with your alignment.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: somethingmustbreaknow on January 20, 2017, 01:27:18 PM
guess i gotta rethink my diet and shit.
since a couple of weeks i keep having
quite messy shits,  they always result
in a massive wipe-fest.  shitting takes
so much more time now and i miss the
satisfaction that you get when having
an upright clean shit. way to start an
awesome& good day in the mornings.
just quoting you to fuck with your alignment.
nooooooo, i put sooo much effort into it  :o
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: perverted super otaku! on January 20, 2017, 06:29:36 PM
guess i gotta rethink my diet and shit.
since a couple of weeks i keep having
quite messy shits,  they always result
in a massive wipe-fest.  shitting takes
so much more time now and i miss the
satisfaction that you get when having
an upright clean shit. way to start an
awesome& good day in the mornings.
Well if your diet has not changed, perhaps you are eating while rushed and not chewing as much, thus making your poo particles larger, making the "log" less dense and complete.

Perhaps you are experiencing a change in digestive micro-organisms, apparently fermented(not vinegar) sauerkraut is good for this
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: doublepeenis on January 24, 2017, 03:19:58 PM
If you shart, whipe it. I sharted a couple times in bed last night but said fuck it, Im tired. So I wake up and go deuce and alls good unltill I wipe. I guess the shart material was hanging around my ass and caused dirty ass pimple. Now I got 3 big ass pimples around my asshole.

So whipe after you shart, unless you want ebola bumbs on your asshole.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Foray on January 29, 2017, 10:24:26 AM
sometimes i piss and dont flush and when i come back to it later and look down in the toilet, the bubbles all form together and look like pangea. been thinking about sending a brown asteroid down to kill the bacteria dinosaurs but i am worried about backsplash
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Esquivel on January 31, 2017, 05:48:27 AM
I always hated shitting at my inlaws because I thought they were cheap, keeping the 1-ply industry in business by stocking the guest bathroom for years. They're out of town but we came over to do laundry tonight, used their master bathroom and they have luxurious ass Charmin in there. I feel like they hate me now.

Damn haha

This reminded me that I was at this cheap buffet and I had to go make space for 3 more plates and guilt. So I run to the bathroom in a hurry. It was already gross as shit and every time I went there some sus shit tended to happen. So I proceed to take one of the most powerful shits of my life. If anime was real I would've maxed out the super saiyan levels. Everything was cool and I begin to wipe. 2 wipes in and I ran out of toilet paper. So I check if there's more in there and the back up paper roll holder thing was empty. I heard 2 people walk in and out from the smell and i was embarrassed to ask for help, at the time I didn't have a phone so I couldn't call for help. So I resourced to using the toilet seat covers. I folded that shit and it became stupid sharp, I powered though until the job was done. My ass was sore and I tried to power through the pain and walk like nothing happened, which was useless because my parents asked me why i was walking weird. I never went there again and I learned that day to always check for TP before beginning.

During a similar experience minus the toilet seat covers i really had to improvise. I was lucky that the toilet had a visible flush tank that opened from the top for "maintenance" access.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Willie on April 05, 2017, 11:33:32 AM
I had something that wouldn't wipe the other day- turned out to be a chunk of tomato still attached to 3 inches of skin that was still in my butthole.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Dos Mef on April 13, 2017, 03:36:46 AM
I try to hold my poop in until I go to work because the plumbing is really nice there and I take a long time so I get paid like $1.75 to poop

my favourite thing to do at work is figure out how much i got paid to poop

whoa same I thought I was the only one. Last week I had a feast of Indian food before I went to work. That night alone I made $17 while shitting. Need to start putting my poop earnings into a special account or something, that money is sacred.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: tobey on August 30, 2017, 11:40:10 AM
I got a poop stool, well i just found a stool in the garage. Anyway, it's really amazing, basically you shit like a dog and apparently that's the most healthy way of pooping because it just shoots right out. It really does shoot right out, as soon as I'm position on the stool and toilet seat, about 2 seconds later BOOM. A nice clean poop comes flying out of me and the wipe up job is a great improvement for me. I would use a half of a roll of toilet paper just for one shit and now, I'm finally 10 or less wipes person. I'm normal, finally!!!!!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Pigeon on August 30, 2017, 11:53:19 AM
^
(http://www.dailynugget.com/images/jtoilet.jpg)
Asian toilets make more sense to me now, but I would never want to shit in a public one.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Dr. Octagon on September 06, 2017, 03:16:47 PM
what's the average number of squares of toilet paper everyone uses per wipe? I keep it minimal, 4-6 squares depending on the poop.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Pigeon on September 06, 2017, 04:49:34 PM
what's the average number of squares of toilet paper everyone uses per wipe? I keep it minimal, 4-6 squares depending on the poop.
I don't know about per wipe, but total for each shit is:
2, if they're solid logs
4, if it's a bit runny
6-10, if it's straight diarrhea
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: dirtyweemidden on September 11, 2017, 04:08:32 AM
i just got back from Paris and the toilets there are fucked up! the water is so deep in the bowl, my peen was semi submerged. Theres a motion sensor flush.. i did not know this and leaned forward for leverage, which set of the sensor, my wang got a swirly and I got a jump scare that ended up spraying piss over everything.. all in all a thrilling experience not for the faint of heart.

Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on October 18, 2017, 07:42:46 AM
I always go 3 squares of the quality stuff.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Silky Johnson on October 18, 2017, 04:38:11 PM
I've adopted the sit down wipe after being a life long stander, a few squares of tp followed by a wet wipe and I'm golden
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Level 60 Dwarf Paladin on October 18, 2017, 10:26:27 PM
Batting cleanup...
(https://i5.walmartimages.com/asr/9aa81844-b412-496d-9aea-6736357f00dc_1.56e8ff0002b97765c0c3bb4ea91db373.jpeg?odnHeight=450&odnWidth=450&odnBg=FFFFFF)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Gay Imp Sausage Metal on October 19, 2017, 12:29:23 AM
^
(http://www.dailynugget.com/images/jtoilet.jpg)
Asian toilets make more sense to me now, but I would never want to shit in a public one.
yeah, they're good but once you go electronic bum jet it's hard to go back!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: planman on November 07, 2017, 04:07:44 PM
Story about me (not) wiping my ass last saturday:
Apparently last Saturday I was so drunk that while I was puking all over my friend's bathroom, I asked him to leave so I could take a shit. He unlocks the bathroom and comes in to see me passed out on the bathroom floor with my pants around my ankles (slightly unrelated but it's also worth mentioning that he kept taking shots the entire time he was helping me). He woke me up and told me to wipe my ass and pull up my pants, to which I asked "why?" It took him five minutes to convince me to do it. I remember absolutely none of this.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on November 08, 2017, 12:57:07 PM
when you're wiping your butt, and you check the tp, and are like, how the fuck did the poo get over on that part? i wasn't even wiping there .. so you scavenger around your side cheeks trying to find the culprit, but every time you check the tp, the poo keeps showing up in different areas .. so by the end, you know that no matter what, there is some poo hidin out that's gonna mark up your undies
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on November 09, 2017, 05:12:54 AM
I think you should change up your diet. You aren't supposed to get that kind of surface coverage.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Lobo on November 14, 2017, 12:41:51 PM
My ass is very sensitive,so I need to wash it everytime I take a dump! Thank God for the only thing that frenchies ever got right...bidet toilet!
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: himlor on November 14, 2017, 01:20:50 PM
^
(http://www.dailynugget.com/images/jtoilet.jpg)
Asian toilets make more sense to me now, but I would never want to shit in a public one.
yeah, they're good but once you go electronic bum jet it's hard to go back!

i used to know where a lot of those nice ones were and shit in them on my lunch breaks. 
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Lobo on November 15, 2017, 02:20:17 AM
Wiping your ass is an art.
In my gym we have a dude that I train bjj and he always smells nice (some guys smell like bums,but I get paid ..fuck it)
his butt tho, is always stinky as hell man!!
When I teach him armbars and triangles and shit I am on the verge of puking my guts out!
I get 30Ä per hour,so I can't tell this stinky ass too fuck off so I delicately mentioned ass wiping tehniques! The dude told me that he wipes his cornhole with toilet paper and damn wet cleanex!!
Now,wtf is he doing wrong???...ass wiping is an art!
And I need to smell them for a living
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: somethingmustbreaknow on November 15, 2017, 04:22:39 AM
^ what does the second j stand for in your blowjob acronym?
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: shit_for_brains on November 15, 2017, 05:20:37 AM
^ what does the second j stand for in your blowjob acronym?

jazzercise
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on November 15, 2017, 06:13:27 AM
blowjobjitsu
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Lobo on November 15, 2017, 06:38:18 AM
Blow jobs cost extra
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Lobo on November 15, 2017, 06:40:08 AM
^ what does the second j stand for in your blowjob acronym?
Your mom Jennifer
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: doublesteveburger on November 19, 2017, 08:29:22 AM
After you finish pooping do you button your pants back up or wash your hands first? The thought of poop particles renting out property on my pants button/belt buckle make me uneasy. Although there's poop particles on practically everything everywhere all the time always, but I already have enough trouble sleeping at night so I try not to think about that.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bawtawd5 on November 22, 2017, 10:05:43 AM
Yo I just raw cheek at work, unless theres piss, but I just wipe up the piss.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: BURRRPRINT on December 27, 2017, 11:50:50 PM
Just found this - had to share!

(https://i.imgur.com/QnGqhb5.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SOTY on January 01, 2018, 12:49:48 PM
I ate a lotta cheese yesterday...
(http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/78/78a4622a589a1a6394b42a231b30e8dacbe9fbb7e399f43643abb263046f9e1a.jpg)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: planman on February 13, 2018, 06:51:35 AM
Had one of those wonderful shits yesterday where it kinda just slithers out your ass and dissolves on contact with the water. Wiped my ass and there was nothing. Glorious.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Francis Xavier on February 20, 2018, 10:34:17 PM
Had one of those wonderful shits yesterday where it kinda just slithers out your ass and dissolves on contact with the water. Wiped my ass and there was nothing. Glorious.
Those are the best,on par with droppin a stout shit log and feeling lighter and energized after.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on February 21, 2018, 01:51:21 PM
Never had a shit dissolve on contact with water
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Francis Xavier on February 21, 2018, 02:36:40 PM
Alka-shit.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: redcurb12 on June 14, 2018, 03:44:48 PM
can someone explain this:
(https://image.ibb.co/e72oHy/IMG_5760.png)
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: bawtawd5 on June 14, 2018, 04:14:20 PM
can someone explain this:
(https://image.ibb.co/e72oHy/IMG_5760.png)
Ahh yes a technique that has been around for centruies it was said that even Ghengis Khan used this pooping postioon because it promoted self discipline to not let go of wall, is called a chocolate lemoade hail storm for obvious reasons
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: butterballs for jerry on July 09, 2018, 11:52:20 AM
I feel I have a unique technique.

I pull four squares if it's good tp or six of its one ply.  On the first ply I poke the middle with my pointer finger and twirl an upper corner around my finger with my thumb, making almost a full rotation. I pinch the twisted part with thumb and finger to hold it in place while folding the remaining squares under the "shit trap" I have just created, to protect my hand. It looks like a slightly gaping butthole. Keep it pinched, wipe, repeat until only traces remain, then go to straight up folded sheets.

Don't know where I got it from but it works.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: straight on July 24, 2018, 07:37:06 PM
does anyone else hold in their poop as long as possible to enjoy the sensation or is it just me
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: SodaJerk on July 25, 2018, 01:47:03 AM
does anyone else hold in their poop as long as possible to enjoy the sensation or is it just me
Not intentionally but sometimes circumstances command it and that's when you have the sweetest dumps.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: iKobrakai on July 25, 2018, 09:19:24 AM
does anyone else hold in their poop as long as possible to enjoy the sensation or is it just me
Not intentionally but sometimes circumstances command it and that's when you have the sweetest dumps.

Yes, good shit.
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: fulltechnicalskizzy on July 27, 2018, 04:26:27 PM
There's no time for me hold in my shits they are all immediate emergencies
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: Francis Xavier on July 27, 2018, 05:09:30 PM
There's no time for me hold in my shits they are all immediate emergencies
Better work on them butt kegels then
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: behavioralguide on July 28, 2018, 12:48:56 PM
i always get the shits visiting my mom,
mother-earth-rays working my insides i guess
Title: Re: wiping your butt
Post by: planman on July 30, 2018, 11:53:19 PM
does anyone else hold in their poop as long as possible to enjoy the sensation or is it just me
Not intentionally but sometimes circumstances command it and that's when you have the sweetest dumps.

Yes, good shit.
After enough cigs on the sesh I'll be carrying some serious dumps in my bowels until I get home