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General Discussion => WHATEVER => Topic started by: DevilOnEnzyte on November 22, 2008, 05:45:15 PM
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When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex.
I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.
I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well.
Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones.
I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.
Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves.
She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.
I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off.
Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me.
At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.
Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.
She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.
So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.
She stuck her finger up my ass.
My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.
I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.
No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me. And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand".
And
due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.
I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.
I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds.
It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire.
I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.
Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.
I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.
I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.
Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the band aid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.
The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame.
My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.
I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.
Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over.
She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always remember this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to
me.)
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I didn't read that. I just wanted to give a message to the children: Don't be that guy that "loves" his first for years and years. Be a ruthless stabber and get teh hiv.
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I think I've read that before?
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got my hyped
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I think I've read that before?
Just the age old typical saw it elsewhwere felt Slap appropriate repost.
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i wonder if she'll pay it forward......
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I think I've read that before?
Just the age old typical saw it elsewhwere felt Slap appropriate repost.
Ah, ok... I knew it wasn't something you'd ever mentioned to me before, I was starting to wonder how many people I knew had impacted colons...
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that was the greatest thing i've read in quite some time, thanks!
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I was 17 also, it was with the girl I ended up dating for about 2 years, it was a lot of fun.
I had a chance when I was 13 but I'm really glad I didnt in retrospect because the girl now is a fucking nutcase.
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impacted colons...
another word i cant stand students using in essays. "higher gas prices impacted on car use in such and such way..." its like, look, only a tooth or vertebrae or your colon can get "impacted" by something, not the economy or a sense of national identity.
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That is pretty cool
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another word i cant stand students using in essays. "higher gas prices impacted on car use in such and such way..." its like, look, only a tooth or vertebrae or your colon can get "impacted" by something, not the economy or a sense of national identity.
"Have had an impact" (in the gas/car context) would be correct though, right?
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how do u get rid of that condition i think i have it
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I poop on a tight regiment every morning before I shower. You could set your watch to it. The only time I've had a problem completing the deed is when my wife got frisky early one morning. My hierarchy of needs was thrown for a loop. Luckily nothing traumatic though, no fingers up butts or poop in the bed.
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I poop everyday after Lunch and Dunner
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gnarly fake story but damn i could see that happening to somebody, no problem. and by somebody, i mean myself. i seem to get diarrhea anytime theres a new girl around.
anyways...when i lost my virginity...i was 18 and it was the summer after i graduated high school. i had dated the girl for about a year and a half already and we had never touched anyone but each other(fucking cute, right?). went on a 3 night beach trip and finally on the last night it happened. i want to say something clever about how it didnt last long, but i honestly dont even know if it "lasted" at all. i feel like it went in once and i pulled out and came on her stomach. poor girl. then we cuddled all night, and probably didnt try this again for months. in the years following this i have surely made it up to her though. ;)
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I lost my virginity while watching "Beavis and Butthead do Amereica". I guess it isnt as good as you're story though.
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I lost mine around 17.
I was at home and my girfriend at the time was over. It was in the evening and my parents were in the kitchen cooking dinner.
We just started fooling around, then went to it.
What a marvelous 45 seconds that was...
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I was 16
It was in the grass behind an old antique store.
I was scared, I thought it was SUPER easy to get a girl pregnant (this was 1994 I didn't have internet).
To be honest, my girl had been trying to make it happen for weeks.
About halfway through, I realized the condom I was wearing, fell off.
I got freaked out and it was over. :-[
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that was a interesting, yet good read.
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drunk as hell with a girl who was a lot hotter when i was drunk. I didn't really want to talk to her after but she ended up being in one of my classes. Pretty awkward but i thought it was kinda funny
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that was a interesting, yet good read.
It's interesting, yet somehow good is it?
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhTiJEYqqY8
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhTiJEYqqY8
hahaha fucking perfect
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that whole video i was waiting for someone to shit their pants
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I was 15 when it went down. Now I look back and that is hella young!
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when I was 15. Bitch turned out crazy afterwards so I was kinda bummed on losing it to her but i was too stoked on losing it at 15 to regret it.
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i feel like it went in once and i pulled out and came on her stomach.
Same thing happened my first time, I was way too siked to be embarrassed.
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and that's why you always take a shit before you lose your virginity.
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haha that was soo funny
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yea that story was fucking awesome....
havent laughed that hard in a while
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i feel like it went in once and i pulled out and came on her stomach.
Same thing happened my first time, I was way too siked to be embarrassed.
i'm pretty sure that's going to be a part of every guys story
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Well the 27year old virgin model I had my first time with at the age of 10 begged me to stop after 2 hours. She also couldn't control herself anymore because of her post orgasm spasms and I just chilled in the bed and emptied a bottle of vodka watching Rockos modern life on tv.
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i was 14, my girlfriend had just turned 15. We were both the first that either had done stuff with aside from making out. That shit was fun as heck. She was a great girlfriend too, totally national honor society, AP classes, straight A student but she secretly loved to get down. My boys would always give me shit about not skating everyday to hang out with my chick but i was 14-15 and getting laid and getting shitty blowjobs everyday, and even throwing it up her butt every now and again. That shit was kinda hectic now that i think about it, we never used rubbers, but it was fun as hell. damn, i'll never forget that year....
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That shit was fun as heck.
!!!!
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my first time was just a waste of 3 hours
didnt even get off