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General Discussion => Classic SLAP => Topic started by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 06:23:08 AM

Title: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 06:23:08 AM
You are an explorer named Chase Homely.  You have eyes of deepest blue and a certain je ne sais quoi.  You have been commissioned by the Society for a Better Understanding of Ethnic People (SBUEP) to delve into the ancient secrets of the central American jungle.  For your adventure, you bring along your trusty fanny pack which contains the following items: pack of fake gum that snaps when you pull out a piece, Donald Duck pez dispenser, cyanide pill, lipstick, and pair of red shoelaces.

You parachute from a bi-plane into the jungle.  You come to a clearing and see an ominous looking statue depicting a demon mooning you.

a) You moon the statue back
b) You pee on the statue
c) You run away as fast as you can
d) You slap the statue on the corybungus 
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Jura on February 03, 2009, 06:33:05 AM
b)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: loophole on February 03, 2009, 06:35:51 AM
b)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: cold budweisers on February 03, 2009, 06:45:46 AM
a.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 06:49:16 AM
You slowly and seductively unzip your trousers and let your manhood dangle for a moment before you fire up the urine pistons.  Your yellow juices splash and dribble down the statue's corybungus.  You notice that as your potent juice dribbles, the filthy enamel that covers the statue begins to fall away.  You pee harder.  You notice the beginnings of a luster seems to be emerging from the statue.  You pee harder and things are pretty much in pressure wash mode.  The demon mooner statue is made of solid gold, encrusted with what appears to be an ass made of diamond.  

You hear a rustling in the bushes.  A state of panic creeps over you like the first wave of an acid trip.  
You:

a) Run like the wind
b) Grab the demon mooner and run
c) Stand your ground and fight like a man
d) Get out your pez
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Jura on February 03, 2009, 06:50:19 AM
d)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: cold budweisers on February 03, 2009, 07:01:24 AM
c.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 07:15:39 AM
You open your LA Gear fanny pack and get out your Donald Duck pez dispenser.  Your hand shakes uncontrollably as you look into Donald Duck's eyes.  Briefly you remember simpler times as a youngster.  You are brought back to the harsh reality of your situation as you see a human form emerge from the bush.  It is a tall thin figure.  It says "Chase!".  You are startled momentarily before you recognize the figure as your old Stanford rival Hal Ashford.  "Chase old boy, what a coincidence!  I never expected to see you beating about the same bush as me.  I suppose we're after the same prize, eh?  There she is, the statue of the enchanted corybungus."

Hal stares fixedly at the statue as you offer him a pez.  He remarks that orange is his favorite flavor as he chews, but his eyes never leave the statue.  
You:

a) Put Hal in a sleeper hold
b) Suggest he can keep the statue if you get to keep the diamond ass
c) Remind him of the weekend in Vegas you spent together
d) Suggest a feats of strength competition to determine who gets to keep the statue
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: cold budweisers on February 03, 2009, 07:20:36 AM
d!
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Jura on February 03, 2009, 07:31:53 AM
d)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: busey on February 03, 2009, 07:40:01 AM
A!!!
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 07:51:26 AM
You unbutton your shirt and drop it to the ground.  You raise your right arm and flex your bicep fiercely.  You notice the friendly calm that just a moment ago had been in Hal's eyes has turned to a clouded fire of determination.  He too removes his shirt and flexes.  Not a word is spoken, as the ritual seems perfectly natural.  You grunt and gesture towards a large boulder.  As he hoists it above his head, Hal lets out a howl that sends the birds squawking from the trees.  It is your turn.  You can feel the veins in your neck pop out to ghastly proportions as you grunt like an old timer in the outhouse.  The dense humidity makes you sweat profusely and you suddenly become aware of how slippery the boulder has become.  You struggle valiantly to lift it over your head, but you stumble backwards and the giant rock lands squarely on your shin.

You scream like a banshee when you see a bone protruding through your skin.  Through the tears in your eyes, you see Hal smiling over you.  "Tough luck old bean.  It looks like the day is mine."  Without another word, he turns and grabs the statue of the enchanted corybungus and trudges off into the underbrush as you curse him, his family, and his avid interest in water polo.  You lie on the ground crippled.
You:

a) Pray to Jesus
b) Take the cyanide pill
c) Call for help
d) Concentrate
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: max power on February 03, 2009, 07:54:17 AM
d)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: loophole on February 03, 2009, 07:58:41 AM
d)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: OttoMaddox on February 03, 2009, 08:17:36 AM
b) insert cyanide pill in anus for maximum absorption.  Praise allah.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 08:22:24 AM
You close your eyes.  You push the excruciating pain of your leg to the back of your mind.  You push the rage you feel towards Hal completely out of your system.  You breathe deeply.  You focus your mind completely on a mental image of the diamond ass.  You feel a twinge of courage somewhere in your lap.  You make a fist with your right hand.  A bright light flashes in front of your closed eyes as you punch your tibia back into your leg.  You rest for a moment before struggling to your feet and lean against a tree with all your weight on your good leg.  

Suddenly, you become aware of eyes upon you.  Out of the brush a group of half naked natives silently form a semi circle around you.  They are all carrying spears but they do not point them at you.  Had they been watching the whole time?  The tallest one, presumably their leader, bellows menacingly in a language you don't understand and points to where the statue of the enchanted corybungus had been.  He steps towards you.
You:

a) Offer him a pez
b) Offer him the trick snapping gum
c) Offer him the cyanide pill
d) Offer him the red shoelaces
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: CeeyMar on February 03, 2009, 08:41:52 AM
b
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: OttoMaddox on February 03, 2009, 08:44:27 AM
b
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: busey on February 03, 2009, 08:51:27 AM
TRADE THE SHOE LACES FOR SPICES!!
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 10:02:59 AM
The native jumps back as you reach into your LA Gear fanny pack.  You pull out the trick snapping gum which draws his eyes in.  He looks inquisitively as you extend a piece towards him.  Ever so cautiously he reaches out to accept your offering.  He looks into your eyes before he falls for your ruse.  As the gum snaps down on his finger, he lets out a yelp and falls to his knees.  At that, all the other natives raise their spears and let out some sort of high pitched call in unison.  They begin dancing and their leader skulks off into the bushes.  You wince in pain as the natives lift you over their shoulders as they chant a joyous song.  Evidently their leader has been disgraced and you have become the new chief of their tribe.

They carry you through the thick underbrush to their village.  You are seated in a position of honour in the center of the village and adorned with flowers, food, and exotic beverages with many little umbrellas in them.  After much pomp and dancing around a campfire, the night drags on you are led towards a hut.  The natives gesture for you to go inside.  Candles are lit and you are immediately struck by a young native woman lying seductively on her side on a straw mattress.  The only article of clothing she is wearing is some sort of thong that looks as if it is made out of panther skin.  You kneel on the mattress beside her and she immediately begins running her tongue all over your chest.  She lies back on the mattress and closes her eyes, evidently awaiting your next move.
You:

a) Oral
b) Vaginal
c) Anal
d) Ask some of the villagers for an animal skin to use as a condom
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: OttoMaddox on February 03, 2009, 10:16:08 AM
a,b,c
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: City of Drunken Totems on February 03, 2009, 10:27:19 AM
a,b,c
gunna make her sweat.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Tarquin on February 03, 2009, 10:32:27 AM
C
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: max power on February 03, 2009, 10:39:19 AM
d)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 10:58:49 AM
You remove her panther skin thong and point her toes towards the hut's ceiling.  You jump to the front.  You jump to the back.  You alternate wildly between all available orifices.  At one point you try to throw it in her ear.  She looks confused and slightly offended at her introduction to caucasian love making.  You collapse exhausted on the straw mattress and suck on a piece of pez before drifting off to the land of slumber.

You do not sleep soundly.  Disturbing visions of a naked Hal Ashford with a diamond ass cloud your dreamscape.  Upon awakening, you are more determined than ever to recover the statue of the enchanted corybungus.  You convene the villagers and try and tell them about Hal's treachery.  You gesture and draw pictures in the dirt, but they just stand and stare with open mouths.  The crowd of villagers parts as a shriveled old woman makes her way towards you.  She hobbles slowly on a cane.  You hear a quiet croaking sound coming from her mouth.  You strain to listen but you make out the words, "I will help you in your quest young man".

She leads you into her hut as the other villagers wait outside.  She uses an old tree stump as a table and lays four items upon it.  She instructs you to take one item.
You:

a) Take the rusty revolver without ammunition
b) Take the pouch full of white powder
c) Take the autographed picture of Burt Reynolds
d) Take the panther skin thong she had somehow managed to get her hands on
 
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: City of Drunken Totems on February 03, 2009, 11:35:36 AM
c
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Pelican on February 03, 2009, 11:39:04 AM
b
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Guile on February 03, 2009, 11:42:12 AM
d

you can sniff it when you have some alone time later in the adventure
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: OttoMaddox on February 03, 2009, 11:44:01 AM
b
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 03, 2009, 12:11:36 PM
You look at the pouch of white powder.  Your eyes widen and you pick it up and put it in your LA Gear fanny pack.  The old woman extends a frail withered arm towards you and you touch knuckles.  The woman croaks, "trust'.  The villagers sing a melancholy song as you leave them behind to pursue the dastardly Hal Ashford.  You try to avoid thinking about the pain of walking on your leg, but it becomes too much to bear.  You sit down on a fallen tree and roll up your soiled trousers.  Your wound is still open.  You reach into your LA Gear fanny pack and pull out the pouch you got from the old woman.  You gingerly sprinkle some of the white powder on your wound.  Almost instantly the pain disappears.  You feel niccccce.

You start to run through the underbrush.  At first it's a jog, then faster.  Faster even as you break into a sprint.  You drop into a blitz on all fours using both your arms and legs to propel you through the jungle.  Your pants get caught on a tree and are ripped away instantly like a pair of track pants.  You are a ball of sweaty naked white flesh burning a path towards Hal Ashford at maximum velocity.  You can smell him.  He is close.

You stop to put some more powder on your wound.  Then you listen.  You hear the steady plodding of footsteps in the underbrush.  It's him!  He is walking towards you.  He sees you and cowers in horror at the sight of you naked and wild eyed, down on all fours, foaming at the mouth with nothing on but an LA Gear fanny pack.
You:

a) Try to trade some white powder for the statue of the enchanted corybungus
b) Tell him you're sorry about that weekend in Vegas
c) Ask him if he wants to see something cool
d) ATTACK! 
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: cold budweisers on February 03, 2009, 12:19:03 PM
d!!
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Guile on February 03, 2009, 12:22:13 PM
D!!!
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Sleazy on February 03, 2009, 12:54:08 PM
double d
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: frisco on February 03, 2009, 12:58:08 PM
c
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: City of Drunken Totems on February 03, 2009, 01:03:29 PM
my god C.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Jura on February 03, 2009, 01:04:55 PM
c)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Pelican on February 03, 2009, 01:06:58 PM
c
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: OttoMaddox on February 03, 2009, 01:35:39 PM
d
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on February 03, 2009, 01:36:23 PM
C then D
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: loophole on February 03, 2009, 05:34:42 PM
C then D
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: pancake man on February 03, 2009, 06:43:12 PM
Expand Quote
C then D
[close]
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: grimcity on February 03, 2009, 07:49:02 PM
Expand Quote
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Guile on February 03, 2009, 10:35:46 PM
C on the B then put your D in its A
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Bipsmound on February 04, 2009, 08:03:51 AM
Hal Ashford stands 15 feet in front of you, clutching the statue of the enchanted corybungus tightly to his chest.  He doesn't say a word and seems to be paralyzed with fear at the thought of what kind of vengeance the naked man in front of him is about to inflict.  You rise to your feet and reach into your LA Gear fanny pack.  You pull out a tube of cheap lipstick and smear it garishly on your lips.  Hal's eyes don't leave your face, and you do not reject his stare.  You lock your eyes with his and feel the power you have over him.  You step towards him, slowly.  Closer still, until he is within your reach.  You stand face to face and notice he is shaking uncontrollably, but he doesn't move.  You begin to apply the lipstick to Hal's face.  He closes his eyes and begins to wimper like a wounded dog, still shaking and now sweating profusely.  You spread the lipstick on thick and heavy before tossing the spent tube into the bush.  You turn your head slightly to the side and you press your mouth up against Hal's.  Lipstick on lipstick.  Your tongue thrusts deep into his mouth.  You massage his tongue with yours gently coaxing it forward.  Your tongue is like the pied piper as it leads his into your mouth.  When his tongue is inside you, you bite down as hard as you can.

Hal's screams sound kinda funny with his tongue chewed in half.  He drops to his knees and the statue of the enchanted corybungus falls to the ground.  He covers his mouth with his hand as blood stains his shirt.  You pick up the statue and feel it's weight.  Hal seems to know what's coming and tries to scramble away.  You're too quick for him, one swift blow over the back of the head with the statue and his body goes limp.  Hal's leg twitches briefly and you contemplate caving his head in with a rock, but decide against such savagery as your white powder buzz begins to wane.  The statue of the enchanted corybungus is yours.  You are eager to get out of the jungle and back to civilization.  You remember your contractual obligations to the SBUEP.  You resolve to take a vacation in Vegas, this time without Hal Ashford.

 
                                                                         THE END



Join Chase Homely next time as he travels to the far east to uncover the ancient secrets of the orient!
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: MexicanSpaniard on February 04, 2009, 08:06:34 AM
Bravo Bips, bravo.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: rocklobster on February 04, 2009, 08:21:50 AM
stuff like this was the reason why the internet was created....  seriously the best thing ive read all day....
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: Jura on February 04, 2009, 08:23:39 AM
*claps*

Cant wait for the sequel.

I actually have a real choose your own adventure book somewhere, ill see if i can find it and post it up like this.

Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: OttoMaddox on February 04, 2009, 08:58:09 AM
(http://www.fotosearch.com/bthumb/ICL/ICL159/SWO_014C.jpg)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: biggums mcgee on February 04, 2009, 11:55:28 AM
automatic classic slap. I can't wait for more!
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: frisco on February 04, 2009, 03:09:07 PM
ah quite the epic conclusion, stoked for another one
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: RollinonFour on February 04, 2009, 03:18:14 PM
Is this like one of them goosebumps books where you turn to a different page and you can choose your own ending? I'll be back....


I have to contemplate my story.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: nice weather on February 04, 2009, 08:24:31 PM
sven thorkel isn't my favourite funny poster anymore.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: City of Drunken Totems on February 04, 2009, 09:16:05 PM
So amazing, best thing ive read in a very long time.  Cannot wait for round two.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: sven thorkel on February 04, 2009, 09:23:10 PM
sven thorkel isn't my favourite funny poster anymore.

aww but i just got a new juggling set and a diploma from a certain type of college. lets just say the average shoe size of the place was well endowed
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: nice weather on February 04, 2009, 10:27:15 PM
I'm pretty sure with profound knowledge of the american and candian university situation, I could've given an incredibly witty inside joke response to that. Something along the lines of "oh well then take that Dartmouth diploma of yours and get to work you lazy rapscallion!" but then I'd probably be confronted with Haägen Dasz tests about the smarts of my ass that totally destroy my mind, so I'll just go with the classical description of what I would've done if I paid better attention to college graduate inside jokes.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: sven thorkel on February 05, 2009, 10:58:46 AM
the answer is clown college. your looking to much into it dawg, dumb your self down and git some
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: dtrigiani on February 05, 2009, 05:03:31 PM
(http://www.fotosearch.com/bthumb/ICL/ICL159/SWO_014C.jpg)
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: nice weather on February 05, 2009, 07:17:31 PM
the answer is clown college. your looking to much into it dawg, dumb your self down and git some
hey wait, did you think I wasn't getting the clown college joke?
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: sven thorkel on February 05, 2009, 09:54:51 PM
Expand Quote
the answer is clown college. your looking to much into it dawg, dumb your self down and git some
[close]
hey wait, did you think I wasn't getting the clown college joke?

aww you double duffed me. kudos guido
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: nice weather on February 05, 2009, 10:08:37 PM
you can tease me with as many kudos as you want, but bipster just threw you off the zing throne of Zingston. strike back, I know you can do it.
Title: Re: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE - Mayan Danger Zone
Post by: sven thorkel on February 06, 2009, 09:37:33 AM
he can have it, i gotta move on. you know, start a family or something... there just more to life then zingers