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General Discussion => WHATEVER => Topic started by: nice weather on January 21, 2011, 01:33:14 PM
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A recent post in fat chick story thread inspired me to this. We all know Slap holds some zany stories of failure that haven't been told yet.
Best case scenario for the story is you not getting any, but being generally let down for only getting a blowjob from a fat chick and then getting denied access to her steamy styrofoam pit, then having your friends see you trying to get with the fat chick and having your ass kicked by her boyfriend you didn't know existed, shall count as well.
I'll start with an unspectacular one. I was staying at a friends place in this smaller city I used to study in. He had recently started dating a big titted chick he met in a steambath. Hands down, that actually happened, true story so far. Despite his ever thinning out hair he had "totally scored, *high 5" which prompted me to suggest having a few drinks in the evening and chatting it up myself with some classy first semesters and their soft, peachy skins and firm legs and little appreciation of David Lynch tv shows.
Fortuna blew a kiss my way when we heard about a rather big celebration that was going down that very night. Beer was bought, liquor was ingested as we headed out to a party before the party type thing close to our place. At the party my friend ran into his date who was with her ginger roommate, who had a great body, but also a face that made you think you were looking at her through a peephole. Let's refer to her as p-hole.
I'll skip the middle part because we all know where this is going.
SO as I got back from where the warehouse rave was supposed to be at and it started to dawn on me that there never was a warehouse rave in the first place, I met my friend, his date and p-hole standing outside the party venue. I joined them and they told me they were about to go home to their place and sleep, to which I replied I had no keys and no means of getting into my friends house.
My friend took it as a blunt attempt to get to go home with p-hole, when in reality I was just not aware that I had his keys and that my friend had given me a 20 minute speech earlier about how to get into his house, which keys to use etc.
Anyways, so my friend starts to smile and winks at me, still thinking I was going after p-hole, which I then again mistook as a hint from his part that p-hole was feeling me. What's that they say? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth?
So we all went home and had some perogies and then retreated to the girls bedrooms. The 5 entire raw balls of mozzarella I had eaten earlier payed their toll on my digestive system and I was farting like a midget on a stool in an elementary school cafeteria restroom.
Unasked I took off my shirt and layed down on p-holes bed, taking my pants and boxers off under the blankets while she was carefully tucking herself into her blanket. We talked for a little while more and I was sure she didn't hear those farts, so I thought it was time for me to make a move. I asked her if she was cool with me just casually putting my arm around her, to which she replied she thought I had a girlfriend, because I had apparently told her earlier. I said no..no girrrl, tilting my head and making an innocent snouty face.
Awkward silence ensued and she said that she felt this was odd, since she did have a boyfriend and now she felt sorta weird about letting me sleep in her bed. She continued to talk but I put my finger on her lips and said ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh.
and then it happened.....
rape.
I mean magic.
I mean I fell asleep and woke up to her coming back from work, still naked and still not standing a chance of getting it in.
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a long time ago i drove 500+ miles to meet up with this girl i liked in HS. so we start fooling around, she blew me for a bit, i ate her out for a bit and it got to the point where i had to stick my dick inside her and she just started crying, like really fucking crying. i'd like to say its because i have a huge cock but ya'll know my ass is asian! i didn't get to have any sex while i was there but i got my dick sucked plenty. i shouldn't be complaining but 500 miles for some head?, fuck! i could have driven 5 miles and gotten head. what a fricking waste of gas money.
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my friend drove 4 hours and all he got to do was make out. sorry to one down you there faster! hahahaha, this next one also sort of ties in -
different friend told me with one girlfriend the first time i think and only time they banged she started crying and was like "this feels so wrong im so ashamed" and it totally ruined it. closed her legs and shit.
i know this one girl who i used to be friends with that went out with this guy and it was HER birthday and she sucked his dick and then his mom came home like literally right as she finished and he didnt even eat her out or nothing and then the next day he called her up and dumped her.
i almost got to bang this girl a few summers ago but this stupid idiot that i used to skate with cockblocked me and told her that i was tellin everyone about the HJ that she gave me ( i was though )
one time i cockblocked my friend when i first turned 19 first time we went to a bar he was hitting on this girl and i wanted to steal her so i told her he had a girlfriend (which he did but she wasnt gonna be home he wanted to cheat but i suppose it was for the best anyway cuase hes still with her but i still feel super bad about it). that was an awesoem night that is one of the only times i have actually met someone at the bar although that night the girl i brought home started puking as soon as we started making out. i tried to call her up later and it was just really awkward and embarrassing.
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^400 miles for a kiss is pretty damn bad! i would've knocked her out, beat off on her face then broke the fuck out, haha!
me and my homey tried to tag team this girl once. this girl straight up said, "i want to get some vodka and watch some porn with you guys". not 30 seconds later we're hitting the liquor store. 30 minutes in we're all getting twisted, she starts rubbing herself so we both look at each other like, "hells yeah, let do this!". we get her naked, we both got our cocks out, he tries to smash from the back, i move up to her mouth to get some head and for about 20 seconds we're rocking this girl, shes loving it. then she just jumps up and starts going on about how shes feels like a slut, and of course we're both trying to play it off like, "why would you think you're a slut? theres nothing wrong with liking sex, besides we're like brothers, we share everything anyway."
sad to say but once a girl gets that, i-feel-like-a-slut mentality, its pretty much a wrap. my boy drove her home and i rubbed one out in the bathroom, shit sucked!
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went to this chicks house once, did not know her at all, but she was my waitress at a restaurant and straight up gave me her number on the receipt. i figured we'd hang out and at least get to know eachother, because shit, i was a little younger and naive. i figured that if she wanted to "hang out" it meant hang out. i got there and we do the hang out thing for a few, and then shes like lets watch this movie. well, lets watch this movie turned quickly into let me suck the cum out of your dick. she did and i left without even getting halfway into the movie. she wants to "hang out" again a few nights later, which is awesome because hanging out is now my new favorite thing. i drive over to her apartment and the same thing happens except this time she wants sex. this wouldve been the 3rd girl i slept with at that point, with the first 2 being really long term girlfriends. i was nervous, couldnt get it up no matter how much she tried, left with her being really disappointed, and ive never talked to her again.
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^^thats awesome.
edit: to faster's story
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too much dick sucking, not enough pathetic in those stories.
My cousin Bobby once went shopping for what must've been the first time in his life and he met a cute girl at a retail store that was sorta flirting with him. They chatted it up for a bit and he asked her what she was going to do in the evening, to which she replied she'd probably hang out at that and that bar in Hamburg. My cousin Bobby lived in a town 100km away from there and rode the train home that day to take a shower and get dressed in his new cool clothes. Maybe that'd be a good conversation starter? It was also in the dead of winter I may add. Later that night he takes the train into the city again, a 1 1/2 hour ride and walks to said bar, where a band is playing and that charges 15,- cover. Since he only brought 30,-(bobby was on a budget) that must've hurt. But all sorrow is forgotten as he sees the cute girl from the shop standing at the bar with a group of people. He walks up and says hey and she looks at him and says hey back, then turns around to her friends and giggles.
Bobby brushs it off like a champ, sits down at the bar and orders a 10,-tequila cocktail. After ten minutes of the girl not paying any more attention to him other than pointing fingers, he walks to the stage and nods to the bands music for a bit, then decides the evening has payed off and leaves. Sadly he's left with only 5,- and the trains already stopped for the day, so he takes a cab for as long as the 5,- can carry him and walks all the way back home from the city outskirts of Hamburg in a snow storm.
I saw him walk to shower the next day and he had shaved his pubes neatly into a heart shape.
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YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=greKNLhdlNw&feature=related#)
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nice weather, you have now ruined this threads potential because nothing will top that hammer of a story you just bestowed upon us
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im meeting up with a sexual interest to go to No Age in 30 minutes and the nights probably not going to resolve itself at all like i hope it will.
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"Cousin Bobby".. riiiight....
too much dick sucking, not enough pathetic in those stories.
My cousin Bobby once went shopping for what must've been the first time in his life and he met a cute girl at a retail store that was sorta flirting with him. They chatted it up for a bit and he asked her what she was going to do in the evening, to which she replied she'd probably hang out at that and that bar in Hamburg. My cousin Bobby lived in a town 100km away from there and rode the train home that day to take a shower and get dressed in his new cool clothes. Maybe that'd be a good conversation starter? It was also in the dead of winter I may add. Later that night he takes the train into the city again, a 1 1/2 hour ride and walks to said bar, where a band is playing and that charges 15,- cover. Since he only brought 30,-(bobby was on a budget) that must've hurt. But all sorrow is forgotten as he sees the cute girl from the shop standing at the bar with a group of people. He walks up and says hey and she looks at him and says hey back, then turns around to her friends and giggles.
Bobby brushs it off like a champ, sits down at the bar and orders a 10,-tequila cocktail. After ten minutes of the girl not paying any more attention to him other than pointing fingers, he walks to the stage and nods to the bands music for a bit, then decides the evening has payed off and leaves. Sadly he's left with only 5,- and the trains already stopped for the day, so he takes a cab for as long as the 5,- can carry him and walks all the way back home from the city outskirts of Hamburg in a snow storm.
I saw him walk to shower the next day and he had shaved his pubes neatly into a heart shape.
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damn, some of these stories make me laugh and cringe all at once.
There was this girl the was into my friend Jon. Would always come into the cafe he works at just to chat with him. She tried to hang with him a couple times while a few other friends and I were company and I could tell it wasn't gonna happen for her but she seemed like a cool chick so I figured maybe I'll step in. See her one day after a week absence at the said cafe and she just got a new phone so she insisted we swap digits. [KEEP IN MIND THE THEME OF "INNOCENT FLIRTATION"] Hang out like a week later for the majority of a day; swim, food, driving around, etc. While kickin it at the cafe, my boy Jon pops outside and with a very suggestive tone says "you guys should take a bike ride" cause he knew I was trying to put my penis inside of her vagina. She seemed down, as was I, so we jumped in the car to drive and get our bikes. I wasn't parked at her house so she would've had to drive a little further and when asked if she'd drive to where my car was, she responded with a suggestive smile and a lip bite that in my previous interactions with women led to fierce sex. End up wrestling around in her bed when I try to move in for a kiss. She turns her head away and reminds me of the above red text.........
Very similar and actually more suggestive type flirting had happened between me and her since to the point where she even preached to me about how she's totally single and that she thought I was a really nice kid and that it sucks I have a girlfriend (I don't actually but I had to have my friend be my gf for an hour to ward this psycho cunt away). Luckily, I haven't spoken to her since before xmas.
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I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade. I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush. We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year. In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her. That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me. Dope.
College. My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly. So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time. Creepy, I know, but I was curious. And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous. We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common. So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.
I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade. It was perfect. We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy. She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened. SOrry, slap.) And the night was perfect. I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.
A few nights later, she calls me up. She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her. Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon. I run out to my car, and try to start it. And my car won't start. So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car. I knock on a neighbors door. no answer. I call my friend Matt. No answer. A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out. Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.
The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out. And that was the last time I talked to her.
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Ugh, too many nights spent chugging more beers that I can handle, and sending texts that constantly meander around the possibility of making it with women that aren't down. I might remember a specific one later, but for now I'll just read whatever Yo Mr. says, 'cause it's aaweeeesooome.
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I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade. I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush. We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year. In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her. That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me. Dope.
College. My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly. So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time. Creepy, I know, but I was curious. And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous. We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common. So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.
I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade. It was perfect. We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy. She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened. SOrry, slap.) And the night was perfect. I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.
A few nights later, she calls me up. She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her. Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon. I run out to my car, and try to start it. And my car won't start. So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car. I knock on a neighbors door. no answer. I call my friend Matt. No answer. A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out. Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.
The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out. And that was the last time I talked to her.
haha, fuck that i woulda been on my bicycle talkin about - save the planet!
one time i went to the club where my homie was playing records with these two model girls. one was my apt mate at the time and the other her young friend. we are at the spot random anonymous dudes buying bottles for our squad because these girls appear in mags and on runways and such. at one point me and young friend duck into the storage closet behind dj booth to smoke a piece of an L she has. it's narrow and full of crates i stumble and fall back over one onto a pile of coats. she lands on top of me suddenly she's purring in my face telling me how much she likes my art. just as our faces touch the curtain to the storage closet slides open and camera flashes go off. we get pulled back out into the party and resume getting further wasted. last i see of young friend is her with her face in the toilet at her apt in midtown where we drop her off before heading back to bk. months later when i join facebook a see her profile with her boyfriend all in it. she does not accept my request. sometimes when i'm cruisin down the street and see her on the side of a phone booth, or bus stop kiosk i think damn if only that closet had a real door and not some bullshit curtain. oh well.
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flew to finland from holland once to meet up with a girl i met in barcelona, turned out she had gotten back together with her boyfriend in the meantime so i didn't get any. weird thing was she was pretty much begging me to come to finland and see her. flight was about 300 euro's. i saw her a year later in barcelona again, she looked really malnourished. i think she has an eating disorder.
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i know a lot of people say "_____ is the worst", but fuck it, girls that act like theyre down then dont do shit at game time are the worst
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These stories are getting me so frustrated that i want to bang my head through my wall right now.
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I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade. I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush. We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year. In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her. That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me. Dope.
College. My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly. So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time. Creepy, I know, but I was curious. And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous. We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common. So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.
I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade. It was perfect. We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy. She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened. SOrry, slap.) And the night was perfect. I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.
A few nights later, she calls me up. She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her. Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon. I run out to my car, and try to start it. And my car won't start. So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car. I knock on a neighbors door. no answer. I call my friend Matt. No answer. A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out. Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.
The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out. And that was the last time I talked to her.
fuck man, this one almost made a tear come out my eye. such a heartbreaking story. no bike? no cab money? nothing?!?!
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I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade. I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush. We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year. In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her. That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me. Dope.
College. My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly. So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time. Creepy, I know, but I was curious. And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous. We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common. So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.
I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade. It was perfect. We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy. She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened. SOrry, slap.) And the night was perfect. I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.
A few nights later, she calls me up. She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her. Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon. I run out to my car, and try to start it. And my car won't start. So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car. I knock on a neighbors door. no answer. I call my friend Matt. No answer. A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out. Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.
The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out. And that was the last time I talked to her.
You're on a skateboard messageboard. Don't you own a skateboard? I'd be fucking skating through dirt roads, mud, and fucking rivers to get at that poon. How could you give up like that?
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Expand Quote
I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade. I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush. We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year. In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her. That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me. Dope.
College. My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly. So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time. Creepy, I know, but I was curious. And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous. We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common. So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.
I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade. It was perfect. We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy. She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened. SOrry, slap.) And the night was perfect. I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.
A few nights later, she calls me up. She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her. Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon. I run out to my car, and try to start it. And my car won't start. So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car. I knock on a neighbors door. no answer. I call my friend Matt. No answer. A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out. Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.
The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out. And that was the last time I talked to her.
Stories like that are the reason why everyone should own a cruiser. My zip zinger has gotten me out of a no car jam on more than one occasion.
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Yah I would have ran my lil heart out, cruisin' like I just broke out of my leg braces.
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Expand Quote
I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade. I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush. We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year. In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her. That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me. Dope.
College. My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly. So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time. Creepy, I know, but I was curious. And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous. We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common. So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.
I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade. It was perfect. We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy. She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened. SOrry, slap.) And the night was perfect. I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.
A few nights later, she calls me up. She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her. Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon. I run out to my car, and try to start it. And my car won't start. So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car. I knock on a neighbors door. no answer. I call my friend Matt. No answer. A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out. Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.
The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out. And that was the last time I talked to her.
fuck man, this one almost made a tear come out my eye. such a heartbreaking story. no bike? no cab money? nothing?!?!
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Fist of all, I live in the midwest, where there are no buses after 6pm ANYWHERE, where a cab will run your pockets dry. My bike was probably 10 miles away, stashed in my parents garage, and the bar was literally on the polar opposite end of town, talking 20 miles. On the highway if there is no traffic, 15 to twenty minute drive. That isn't really the point. If I had jumped on my skateboard and booked it, I might have been WAY TOO LATE. That's the point. I was ready to start booking it on a skateboard, that's how bad I wanted it, but I knew it was hopeless.
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flew to finland from holland once to meet up with a girl i met in barcelona, turned out she had gotten back together with her boyfriend in the meantime so i didn't get any. weird thing was she was pretty much begging me to come to finland and see her. flight was about 300 euro's. i saw her a year later in barcelona again, she looked really malnourished. i think she has an eating disorder.
hahaha poepaapie
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asked out this kinda weird looking girl with a nice tush. i kinda regret it now. but oh well.
her idea of a date was making mac and cheese and making out on her couch while her mom was at work. it wasn't bad i guess.
anyways i was a horny little bastard, and she was in love with me (that feeling went one way), so i decided to start exploring her hairy snatch. after gettin ready to shove my weiner in her, i fingerblasted her a little bit to get her all preparado.
she keeps exclaiming how she is so wet, and i must have heard this a million times "ok i am so wet, let me check to make sure its not blood"
gross
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I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade.? I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush.? We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year.? In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her.? That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me.? Dope.
College.? My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly.? So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time.? Creepy, I know, but I was curious.? And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous.? We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common.? So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.
I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade.? It was perfect.? We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy.? She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened.? SOrry, slap.)? And the night was perfect.? I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.
A few nights later, she calls me up.? She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her.? Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon.? I run out to my car, and try to start it.? And my car won't start.? So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car.? I knock on a neighbors door.? no answer.? I call my friend Matt.? No answer.? A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out.? Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.
The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out.? And that was the last time I talked to her.?
i know how it feels to have your friend fuck a girl you are in love with :-[
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my last "2 year relationship" after the first few months....what a waste of time girls can be.
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got a new one that happened just last night
so my friend hits me up yesterday saying he wanted to kick it and have some brews. so he gets to my crib and tells me that this girl hes friends with wants to have us over for dinner...hells yeah lets do this! so before we head out he tells me that he wants me to have a 3 way with this girl and that shes totally down. in my mind i'm like WTF! my homey is married, the girl that wants to get busy is his wifes best friend(whom hes cheated with a few times) and i'm his best friend. i've known both him and his wife forever, i know both their families, i was the best man at their wedding for christsake!
so as soon as i get there i start feeling uncomfortable because wtf am i suppose to do? why is he putting me in this situation? wtf am i suppose to say to set this shit off?
so i'm just sitting there wondering if its actually going to go down and its starting to get late so i know its gonna happen sooner than later. so i head to the bathroom to make sure my dick works because i've been drinking and smoking all night and i don't want to be stuck with a case of whiskey dick if shit starts getting buck. so i come out of the bathroom and in my head i'm like, 'fuckin a! i'm ready to bang this bitch out!' so i'm waiting for her or my friend to initiate it since i knew i wasn't going to do it. i mean, they've fucked before and it was her idea but neither she nor my friend did shit. i thought me and my homey would be hitting it head and tails, high fiving each other and passing joints and shit but nah. there were quite a few awkward glances and pauses throughout the night, i thought for sure it was gonna go down but in the end, nothing happened and we ended up bouncing. what a disappointment. :-\
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What did he say about it afterwards?
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How long into the evening until this thread popped up in your head?
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What did he say about it afterwards?
nothing really. when we got outside i was like WTF! i asked him why he/she didn't do or say anything and how i really didn't want to part of their love triangle or whatever the fuck. if he wants to cheat on his wife, thats fine but i was like, why you trying to drag me into it?
anyway, he didn't have much of a response so we were both kept it moving toward the subway. i'm sure we'll discuss it further when i see him again.
How long into the evening until this thread popped up in your head?
this and the awkward experiences thread instantly came to mind as soon as he mentioned 3 way.
if it worked out i was going to post in the awkward experiences thread, if it failed i knew i'd be posting in this one.
i wish i was posting in the other one, lol!
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Damn faster you seem to get invited to a lot of pig roasts man.
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i don't know where it comes from or what kind of vibe i'm giving off but i've asked a lot time, or at least what i consider a lot.
the 1st time when i lost my virginity at the age of 13. it was with 2 girls that were both 2 years younger than me. they asked me to play truth or dare, which turned into just dare, which then turned into, you do this with her, then you do it with me. i didn't know what i was doing at the time but i was pretty hyped on doing it!
next time it happened i was 17. 2 girls that were friends with each other both liked me and i met them at the same time. i started seeing them both but they eventually tried to make me choose, i couldn't so they shared me for 2 months or so. i thought i was the motherfucking man but it was only a matter of time before one of them got jealous and ruined it.
next time was my next door neighbors. they knocked on my fire escape window and asked me to watch them have sex and if i wanted to, i could join in. i thought hard about it but opted out. the dudes wife was hot but i had no desire to see her husband naked. not to mentioned that i'd have to constantly see them since they lived right next door to me. i can't tell a lie though, i peeped a couple times when i heard them getting busy...peep, peep, peeping tom over here!
another time was this lesbian chick i was friends with and her GF. they used to come by my store all the time and one night i hooked up with the lesbian chick. she was 22, never been with a dude before, felt comfortable around me so i let her experiment. she literally did everything you could imagine. it was kind of awesome but then she invited her GF over the next night and it got really fucking awesome!
then theres the vodka porn chick that went nowhere.
after that, my bartender and his GF asked me to join them but i had to decline. his GF was super hot and we got along the second we met but it would've been really awkward. i went to that bar 7 days a week so it wouldn't have been a good look, not to mention my bartender swung both ways, the dude straight up said, "i want to suck your cock". it was a little weird after that.
at that same bar these 2 girls took me to their place and had their way with me. i knew this one girl for a while, i ran into her all the time at the bar, on the train, and random places downtown. anyway, shes chillin at the bar with her roommate and we get to drinking and shit, next thing i know they're following me out the bar. i asked them whats up but they didn't say shit, they just grabbed me by my hands and took me to their apartment. i was naked, they was naked, we was naked!
another time this girl i know and her gay friend wanted to hook. its safe to say i passed. i'm down to tag team a girl but i only swing one way.
then this last time with my homey and his wifes friend which failed.
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Have you gotten laid more often by two women/three people involved more than one-on-one?
then theres the vodka porn chick that went nowhere.
Strangely, same. She works as a promoter for an alcohol distributer and used to do porn. We went to some shitty local pub in a snowed in, dead town. No vibes were happening but we were getting along well. Before we even left I settled on just being friends, I had been on a few dates recently that amounted to nothing so I could read the signs. Also, if she worked in porn and was into me, I'd like to think it would be apparent. I paid and drove her home, had a small conversation in her driveway, hugged, and I zipped home because I hadn't slept since I got back from SF that day. Possible "FFFFUUUUUUUU" moment though, I think she was going in for a kiss when we hugged goodbye. She tilted her head ever-so-slightly as I aimed my chin straight for the shoulder, and grazed my cheek with a kiss that felt slighted--as though it wasn't intended for my cheek but elsewhere. I thought about it as I drove home but resigned myself to my tired mind.
We've hung out a few times since; treated her to a flick, I crashed in her guest room for a snow storm & went hiking the next day then fishbowled an igloo, taught her to play Take Two/Bananagrams. She's supposed to be taking me to my first strip club but that might be a while if it happens at all, she's going to Costa Rica for a month. So yeah, I've put in a bit of work that's amounted to no action. It's whatever though because I'm at least having a good time, and not turning in at the end of the night pissed about it.
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Have you gotten laid more often by two women/three people involved more than one-on-one?
Expand Quote
then theres the vodka porn chick that went nowhere.
Strangely, same. She works as a promoter for an alcohol distributer and used to do porn. We went to some shitty local pub in a snowed in, dead town. No vibes were happening but we were getting along well. Before we even left I settled on just being friends, I had been on a few dates recently that amounted to nothing so I could read the signs. Also, if she worked in porn and was into me, I'd like to think it would be apparent. I paid and drove her home, had a small conversation in her driveway, hugged, and I zipped home because I hadn't slept since I got back from SF that day. Possible "FFFFUUUUUUUU" moment though, I think she was going in for a kiss when we hugged goodbye. She tilted her head ever-so-slightly as I aimed my chin straight for the shoulder, and grazed my cheek with a kiss that felt slighted--as though it wasn't intended for my cheek but elsewhere. I thought about it as I drove home but resigned myself to my tired mind.
We've hung out a few times since; treated her to a flick, I crashed in her guest room for a snow storm & went hiking the next day then fishbowled an igloo, taught her to play Take Two/Bananagrams. She's supposed to be taking me to my first strip club but that might be a while if it happens at all, she's going to Costa Rica for a month. So yeah, I've put in a bit of work that's amounted to no action. It's whatever though because I'm at least having a good time, and not turning in at the end of the night pissed about it.
(http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f5/HangmenHeaven/Response%20Face/ffffuuuu_colored.jpg)
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Have you gotten laid more often by two women/three people involved more than one-on-one?
Expand Quote
then theres the vodka porn chick that went nowhere.
Strangely, same. She works as a promoter for an alcohol distributer and used to do porn. We went to some shitty local pub in a snowed in, dead town. No vibes were happening but we were getting along well. Before we even left I settled on just being friends, I had been on a few dates recently that amounted to nothing so I could read the signs. Also, if she worked in porn and was into me, I'd like to think it would be apparent. I paid and drove her home, had a small conversation in her driveway, hugged, and I zipped home because I hadn't slept since I got back from SF that day. Possible "FFFFUUUUUUUU" moment though, I think she was going in for a kiss when we hugged goodbye. She tilted her head ever-so-slightly as I aimed my chin straight for the shoulder, and grazed my cheek with a kiss that felt slighted--as though it wasn't intended for my cheek but elsewhere. I thought about it as I drove home but resigned myself to my tired mind.
We've hung out a few times since; treated her to a flick, I crashed in her guest room for a snow storm & went hiking the next day then fishbowled an igloo, taught her to play Take Two/Bananagrams. She's supposed to be taking me to my first strip club but that might be a while if it happens at all, she's going to Costa Rica for a month. So yeah, I've put in a bit of work that's amounted to no action. It's whatever though because I'm at least having a good time, and not turning in at the end of the night pissed about it.
Whoa now. Why is there no pic posted of this promoter and former porn chick! If you're putting in work it's time to get paid. Plus I want to see what this chick looks like on the internet.
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Have you gotten laid more often by two women/three people involved more than one-on-one?
nah, this is over span of 35 years of which i was having sex for 22 of them. it breaks down to being asked once every 2 years or so and its not like i did it each time i was asked. i think its just from living in the city. theres a lot of weird crazed freaky people up in this piece.
the vodka porn chick is some girl that said she wanted to drink vodka and watch porn. i posted the story on the other page of this thread.
this one is really bad...
i met this chick at the restaurant i worked at while i was in college. she was a waitress there and she was smoking! i was pretty forward back then so i didn't hesitate in asking her out right away. she told me she had a BF but i flirted with her all the time anyway, it was all in fun and i just didn't give a fuck. it didn't take long before she broke up with her BF and she asked me if i wanted to hang out after work. so we start chillin and pal'ing around all the time, everywhere, we were attached at the hips, 2 peas in a pod,we became the best of friends.
so months into this shit(and i mean months!), we finally hook up. we started kissing, she reaches down my pants and starts stroking my cock, i reach down her pants and start fingering her. everything is going great, i'm finally hooking up with this chick but for whatever reason i looked at her and said, "i don't want to do this if it isn't going to go anywhere"....wtf did i just say?!?!? everything just grinds to a halt, it was like i bumped the turntables in the middle of a house party. shes says she likes me but she just wants to have fun. this was just unacceptable to me so i stopped, rolled over and went to sleep instead.
the next day we wake up and shit is obviously super awkward. i didn't know what to do or say from that moment on. we eventually stopped hanging out and i never got to hook up with her again.
i want to say i blew it but that doesn't even begin to describe my stupidity. this is probably one of the only regrets i have in my life.
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Oh just admit you can be a softie. That's probably the best decision you ever made, you told her what you wanted straight up and stuck with it. I'm actually sorry that didn't work out for you.
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Oh just admit you can be a softie. That's probably the best decision you ever made, you told her what you wanted straight up and stuck with it. I'm actually sorry that didn't work out for you.
i'll be the first one to admit that i'm a softie, i was young and in love but theres no reason to feel bad for me, this happened 15 years ago. i facebooked her today, shes 39 now, married, has a kid and still looks really good.
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met some fairly good looking girl at a friends bands gig, about 7-8 years ago, she was tall, thin, with a good ass and huge tits, i was excited to say the least.
so I hang out with her, watch almost famous in her parents basement (she was younger than I)
so we are fooling around and I go to take off her bra to unleash these massive brasts, I can barely control myself,
then the dreaded happens.
I feel somthing on her back...wtf is this i think to myself "could this be a dried up raisin stuck to her skin?" then i realize its probably the biggest mole I have ever felt, and my facial expressions ruined it all, the session was eneded and we never spoke again.
no that awkward, but i wanted to rip the mole off of her skin.
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my last "2 year relationship" after the first few months....what a waste of time girls can be.
I feel you on this one. That is a straight ticket to feeling like shit. When it's sitting there day after day, but no access, and you feel like you've won the lottery when the panties drop. It's hard to let go of that time in the beginning when everything was awesome and your dick felt like it had the power of Greyskull.
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met some fairly good looking girl at a friends bands gig, about 7-8 years ago, she was tall, thin, with a good ass and huge tits, i was excited to say the least.
so I hang out with her, watch almost famous in her parents basement (she was younger than I)
so we are fooling around and I go to take off her bra to unleash these massive brasts, I can barely control myself,
then the dreaded happens.
I feel somthing on her back...wtf is this i think to myself "could this be a dried up raisin stuck to her skin?" then i realize its probably the biggest mole I have ever felt, and my facial expressions ruined it all, the session was eneded and we never spoke again.
no that awkward, but i wanted to rip the mole off of her skin.
HAHAHAHAHA
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Expand Quote
Oh just admit you can be a softie. That's probably the best decision you ever made, you told her what you wanted straight up and stuck with it. I'm actually sorry that didn't work out for you.
i'll be the first one to admit that i'm a softie, i was young and in love but theres no reason to feel bad for me, this happened 15 years ago. i facebooked her today, shes 39 now, married, has a kid and still looks really good.
pix plz. kthxbye
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(http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Philosoraptor-Ponders-Banned-Hollywood-33.jpg)
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(http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Philosoraptor-Ponders-Banned-Hollywood-33.jpg)
deh was fannie
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Faster, you lost your virginity with my fantasy- two girls at once... both 11 years old.
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some reallly awkward shit happened to me at a prom party in my senior year. I'm from a tiny town in NY right on the pennslyvania border, and everyone from both schools in both states wanted to throw a huge banger considering both school's prom nights fell on the same day. everyone got together and picked a rural ass spot in PA for the party. And it was a banger indeed! Generators, five kegs, a huge sound system, beer pong, $300 worth of liquor, probably two hundred kids, a monsterous fire, drunk kids trying to shoot deer in the middle of the night in the woods...basically some out of control shit. everyone from both schools got a long, but the PA chicks were for the most part considered to be the better looking bunch. my friend's little sister, who had moved to nyc to go to school a few years before, came up and everyone was trying to get up in her shit. she started acting the part of super slut, and people are pouring honey over her tits around the fire and licking the shit out of them. my memory is pretty hazy but what happened after was almost absurd...I remember seeing that and being disgusted, so I took off from the main fire. Two of my friends from PA got a hold of someone's limo for prom, and I went to check up on them and I open the door and they're in there along with probably two other couples going at it like crazy. they freak on me to get out. mind you its probably 7 am at this point and the sun is starting to get to me. this other chick is out walking around, real imbred looking type, the type of girl no one ever wants to touch not because she's that ugly, but because her dad and brother would get jelous over you stealing their ass for the night. somehow this girl gets me in a car with her, and even though I'm wasted off my ass i'm still grossed out. all of a sudden out of no where she starts crying and screaming 'I CAN'T DO THIS!' like I'm some serial rapist. I ask her what the hell she's talking about and she goes 'I'm a virgin! a virgin! this is horrible!' needless to say the thought that she thought we were gonna bone skeezed me the fuck out and I hopped right out of that car. I keep walking around and run into my friend's little sister, the honey-tits slut I was talking about before. Considering she was single, cute, and had the mystique of being a 'city girl' she was the hot commodity of the night. Out of no where she's all over me, telling me how great of a guy I am and whatnot. I figure what any decent guy figures and scramble to get her into an unoccupied tent. Now its good to know that this girl is a ballerina, really fucking small body. I strip her down and start fingering her from behind, I remember being mildly surprised that her ass wasn't getting in my way. Seriously every thrust of my finger she's going apeshit like its her nuclear holocaust orgasm. I was loving it. I kept that up for awhile and then flipped her over on her back. I remember being pretty pissed that her tits were smaller than mine when I saw em, I guess she was barely sixteen and wore a push up bra, but still! anyway I decide to go down on her. first time I went down on anybody before, and her puss was top rank. I did that for about five minutes then she started begging me to put it in her. she was still shaking from me fingering her earlier that I figured the sex was gonna be beyond amazing. so i'm putting my dick in her, she looks down, and sits right up and says 'Hey you're not wearing a condom, wow you're such a fucking asshole!'
Her saying that sobered me right the fuck up. it was pathetic. after that, she kept dry humping me (and moaning over that!) for probably half an hour, but I was so fucking pissed and bummed out that it didn't do much for me. looking back now I feel like keithanne the incest baby was probably in way more of a pathetic spot than I was, but still. I learned a valuable lesson that night, even if it makes you look like an asshole, always carry condoms in your wallet, shirt and pants pockets, have em all over your car...its just not worth getting into shitty situations over not having one.
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Faster, you lost your virginity with my fantasy- two girls at once... both 11 years old.
A seat. Take it.
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yo chris hansen you got any pathetic and failed attempts @ sexual relations with the ladies?
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about a year ago, when i was still with my costa rican chica, i experienced quite an unfortunate scenario.
i met her through her younger brother, a cool enough kid i whom would skate with just about every day. i was attempting to maintain a friendship with him while still hooking up with his sister multiple times a week.
One night, she texts me telling me that nobody is home (a very rare occurrence in that household), and that i should come over. I had not yet railed at this point, so by the time i had purchased some "dong bags" with which to "knock boots," i was starting to get fairly anxious.
I ring the doorbell and walk inside. I walk upstairs to find her just exiting the shower. I walk into her room and she tells me to wait a second so she can put on her new stuff from victoria's secrret. i tell her that's not necessary, but she comes over and pushes me out of her room, smiling mischievously. So now i'm standing outside her room for a few minutes. She opens the door wearing some tiny black panties and a black bra, grabs my hand, and leads me to the bed, where she proceeds to lay on her back in like a limp fish. At this point, i was aware that this was not the most "fit" girl i had ever been with. She had a really nice body, but wasn't as proactive as i had hoped. I get on top of her, still fully clothed, and we start making out. I take off my shirt, and immediately we hear the front door opening downstairs. I look at her and see an expression of panic. Her father resembles some sort of cross between a bear and a viking, and although her parents liked me, i wasn't trying to get on his bad side (or die, for that matter).
Someone storms up the stairs and starts pounding on the door. I stand up, hastily put on my shirt, and go to her bathroom, while she puts on sweatpants and a t shirt to open the door. Her little brother, who saw my shoes in the entryway, saw that we weren't in the living room, and did what any good brother would do, came upstairs to protect his sister. After i hear that it's him and not her beast of a father, i walk out of the bathroom and casually say, "oh, what up dude!" The kid wasn't stoked, and i felt pretty bad.
And i never ended up doing any ripping or tearing with this girl.
Me and her brother are still good friends now, but things haven't been quite the same.
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For the last 6 months every attempt at a sexual relationship has been pathetic for me. Oh well.
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yo chris hansen you got any pathetic and failed attempts @ sexual relations with the ladies?
fuck no, chris hansen gets what chris hansen wants.
he's chris hansen.
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Expand Quote
Faster, you lost your virginity with my fantasy- two girls at once... both 11 years old.
A seat. Take it.
I'd be offended if it didn't offer. You sir, are the king of creating and broadcasting pathetic and failed attempts @ sexual relations.
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Last January I was visiting my buddy in NY for the first time since he moved to a new apartment. He had told me previously that he was living with two girls, one of them who happened to be a babe as a friend of ours told me from having visited. Anyways, first night I'm there, I was just casually chatting up this roomate of his which led to all of us pregaming a good amount before heading out to some kids house. Me and this chick were totally clicking because she was a very free spirit, especially under the influence and I finally found a girl who I could jam out to 3 6 Mafia with haha. So we kick it at this dudes house later and I'm making a total drunken fool of myself the whole time which didn't seem to phase this girl really.
� � �Next day, skate a bunch then go back to my boys house and this time I brought back a bottle of whiskey because this chick had told me that's what she likes to drink. Pregame again then go out to some bars. End up at Lit which I'm sure everyone on here who lives in the city knows the place's reputation for a good ass time. This chick and I start dancing and instantly making out and touching up on each other; at one point I was just pushing my hands all over her and she pushed them right onto her luscious boobs. We eventually walk back to her and my boys place, I carry her drunk ass up 3 flights of stairs and we settle down on the floor of the living room with blankets, pillows cushions, some snacks, and Hulu.
And then I wake up still fully dressed on that living room floor by myself.............
To say the least, I blew it entirely because this would have been the hottest girl I'd have hooked up with in my 21 years of existence. The worst part is she got a boyfriend not too long after, then dropped him over the summer and I totally made a negative drunken impression on her that night shortly after she ended things with her bf, and then she moved back to Miami. She's now back in NY for the weekend but my cunt coworker won't cover just 1 day so that I can go down to the city and finish what I had started. I don't want to get ahead of myself and assume but when I texted her that I won't make it this weekend, I got a frowny face back so maybe she's still down but who the fuck knows. At this point its very much whatever since we live so far from each other, but it still bugs me to this day that it didn't go down like it should have.
edit: here's a pic since I'm sure someones going to ask
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs1388.snc4/164033_10150380441670468_503495467_16748375_2991408_n.jpg)
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and she pushed them right onto her luscious boobs.
AHAHAHAHA Bob is it bad I can tell you're drunk as you write this because of the way you wrote this? Ahahahahah "luchuss bewbs."
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some reallly awkward shit happened to me at a prom party in my senior year. I'm from a tiny town in NY right on the pennslyvania border, and everyone from both schools in both states wanted to throw a huge banger considering both school's prom nights fell on the same day. everyone got together and picked a rural ass spot in PA for the party. And it was a banger indeed! Generators, five kegs, a huge sound system, beer pong, $300 worth of liquor, probably two hundred kids, a monsterous fire, drunk kids trying to shoot deer in the middle of the night in the woods...basically some out of control shit. everyone from both schools got a long, but the PA chicks were for the most part considered to be the better looking bunch. my friend's little sister, who had moved to nyc to go to school a few years before, came up and everyone was trying to get up in her shit. she started acting the part of super slut, and people are pouring honey over her tits around the fire and licking the shit out of them. my memory is pretty hazy but what happened after was almost absurd...I remember seeing that and being disgusted, so I took off from the main fire. Two of my friends from PA got a hold of someone's limo for prom, and I went to check up on them and I open the door and they're in there along with probably two other couples going at it like crazy. they freak on me to get out. mind you its probably 7 am at this point and the sun is starting to get to me. this other chick is out walking around, real imbred looking type, the type of girl no one ever wants to touch not because she's that ugly, but because her dad and brother would get jelous over you stealing their ass for the night. somehow this girl gets me in a car with her, and even though I'm wasted off my ass i'm still grossed out. all of a sudden out of no where she starts crying and screaming 'I CAN'T DO THIS!' like I'm some serial rapist. I ask her what the hell she's talking about and she goes 'I'm a virgin! a virgin! this is horrible!' needless to say the thought that she thought we were gonna bone skeezed me the fuck out and I hopped right out of that car. I keep walking around and run into my friend's little sister, the honey-tits slut I was talking about before. Considering she was single, cute, and had the mystique of being a 'city girl' she was the hot commodity of the night. Out of no where she's all over me, telling me how great of a guy I am and whatnot. I figure what any decent guy figures and scramble to get her into an unoccupied tent. Now its good to know that this girl is a ballerina, really fucking small body. I strip her down and start fingering her from behind, I remember being mildly surprised that her ass wasn't getting in my way. Seriously every thrust of my finger she's going apeshit like its her nuclear holocaust orgasm. I was loving it. I kept that up for awhile and then flipped her over on her back. I remember being pretty pissed that her tits were smaller than mine when I saw em, I guess she was barely sixteen and wore a push up bra, but still! anyway I decide to go down on her. first time I went down on anybody before, and her puss was top rank. I did that for about five minutes then she started begging me to put it in her. she was still shaking from me fingering her earlier that I figured the sex was gonna be beyond amazing. so i'm putting my dick in her, she looks down, and sits right up and says 'Hey you're not wearing a condom, wow you're such a fucking asshole!'
Her saying that sobered me right the fuck up. it was pathetic. after that, she kept dry humping me (and moaning over that!) for probably half an hour, but I was so fucking pissed and bummed out that it didn't do much for me. looking back now I feel like keithanne the incest baby was probably in way more of a pathetic spot than I was, but still. I learned a valuable lesson that night, even if it makes you look like an asshole, always carry condoms in your wallet, shirt and pants pockets, have em all over your car...its just not worth getting into shitty situations over not having one.
You from Waverly man?
Edit - Bob +1 for still getting at least some action with that chick.
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"hey babe, want me to pick up a box of dong bags incase we decide to knock boots later?"
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For the last year every attempt at a sexual relationship has been pathetic for me. Oh well.
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Oh just admit you can be a softie. That's probably the best decision you ever made, you told her what you wanted straight up and stuck with it. I'm actually sorry that didn't work out for you.
i'll be the first one to admit that i'm a softie, i was young and in love but theres no reason to feel bad for me, this happened 15 years ago. i facebooked her today, shes 39 now, married, has a kid and still looks really good.
this is her with her kid...
(http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/887/whit3.jpg)
and a blurry webcam pic.....
(http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/9545/whit1q.jpg)
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Faster, you lost your virginity with my fantasy- two girls at once... both 11 years old.
A seat. Take it.
i was 13 nothing illegal about it.
this is a pic of one of the girls...
(http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/3633/ginac.jpg)
i tried looking for the other girl but it started turning into a easter egg hunt.
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about a year ago, when i was still with my costa rican chica, i experienced quite an unfortunate scenario.
i met her through her younger brother, a cool enough kid i whom would skate with just about every day. i was attempting to maintain a friendship with him while still hooking up with his sister multiple times a week.
One night, she texts me telling me that nobody is home (a very rare occurrence in that household), and that i should come over. I had not yet railed at this point, so by the time i had purchased some "dong bags" with which to "knock boots," i was starting to get fairly anxious.
I ring the doorbell and walk inside. I walk upstairs to find her just exiting the shower. I walk into her room and she tells me to wait a second so she can put on her new stuff from victoria's secrret. i tell her that's not necessary, but she comes over and pushes me out of her room, smiling mischievously. So now i'm standing outside her room for a few minutes. She opens the door wearing some tiny black panties and a black bra, grabs my hand, and leads me to the bed, where she proceeds to lay on her back in like a limp fish. At this point, i was aware that this was not the most "fit" girl i had ever been with. She had a really nice body, but wasn't as proactive as i had hoped. I get on top of her, still fully clothed, and we start making out. I take off my shirt, and immediately we hear the front door opening downstairs. I look at her and see an expression of panic. Her father resembles some sort of cross between a bear and a viking, and although her parents liked me, i wasn't trying to get on his bad side (or die, for that matter).
Someone storms up the stairs and starts pounding on the door. I stand up, hastily put on my shirt, and go to her bathroom, while she puts on sweatpants and a t shirt to open the door. Her little brother, who saw my shoes in the entryway, saw that we weren't in the living room, and did what any good brother would do, came upstairs to protect his sister. After i hear that it's him and not her beast of a father, i walk out of the bathroom and casually say, "oh, what up dude!" The kid wasn't stoked, and i felt pretty bad.
And i never ended up doing any ripping or tearing with this girl.
Me and her brother are still good friends now, but things haven't been quite the same.
(http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/1337/whatupdu.jpg)
Oh so casual.
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Oh just admit you can be a softie. That's probably the best decision you ever made, you told her what you wanted straight up and stuck with it. I'm actually sorry that didn't work out for you.
i'll be the first one to admit that i'm a softie, i was young and in love but theres no reason to feel bad for me, this happened 15 years ago. i facebooked her today, shes 39 now, married, has a kid and still looks really good.
this is her with her kid...
(http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/887/whit3.jpg)
and a blurry webcam pic.....
(http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/9545/whit1q.jpg)
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Faster, you lost your virginity with my fantasy- two girls at once... both 11 years old.
A seat. Take it.
i was 13 nothing illegal about it.
this is a pic of one of the girls...
(http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/3633/ginac.jpg)
i tried looking for the other girl but it started turning into a easter egg hunt.
Nice! I can definitely see the appeal of the 39 yr old, especially years ago when you guys were in your 20s
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some reallly awkward shit happened to me at a prom party in my senior year. I'm from a tiny town in NY right on the pennslyvania border, and everyone from both schools in both states wanted to throw a huge banger considering both school's prom nights fell on the same day. everyone got together and picked a rural ass spot in PA for the party. And it was a banger indeed! Generators, five kegs, a huge sound system, beer pong, $300 worth of liquor, probably two hundred kids, a monsterous fire, drunk kids trying to shoot deer in the middle of the night in the woods...basically some out of control shit. everyone from both schools got a long, but the PA chicks were for the most part considered to be the better looking bunch. my friend's little sister, who had moved to nyc to go to school a few years before, came up and everyone was trying to get up in her shit. she started acting the part of super slut, and people are pouring honey over her tits around the fire and licking the shit out of them. my memory is pretty hazy but what happened after was almost absurd...I remember seeing that and being disgusted, so I took off from the main fire. Two of my friends from PA got a hold of someone's limo for prom, and I went to check up on them and I open the door and they're in there along with probably two other couples going at it like crazy. they freak on me to get out. mind you its probably 7 am at this point and the sun is starting to get to me. this other chick is out walking around, real imbred looking type, the type of girl no one ever wants to touch not because she's that ugly, but because her dad and brother would get jelous over you stealing their ass for the night. somehow this girl gets me in a car with her, and even though I'm wasted off my ass i'm still grossed out. all of a sudden out of no where she starts crying and screaming 'I CAN'T DO THIS!' like I'm some serial rapist. I ask her what the hell she's talking about and she goes 'I'm a virgin! a virgin! this is horrible!' needless to say the thought that she thought we were gonna bone skeezed me the fuck out and I hopped right out of that car. I keep walking around and run into my friend's little sister, the honey-tits slut I was talking about before. Considering she was single, cute, and had the mystique of being a 'city girl' she was the hot commodity of the night. Out of no where she's all over me, telling me how great of a guy I am and whatnot. I figure what any decent guy figures and scramble to get her into an unoccupied tent. Now its good to know that this girl is a ballerina, really fucking small body. I strip her down and start fingering her from behind, I remember being mildly surprised that her ass wasn't getting in my way. Seriously every thrust of my finger she's going apeshit like its her nuclear holocaust orgasm. I was loving it. I kept that up for awhile and then flipped her over on her back. I remember being pretty pissed that her tits were smaller than mine when I saw em, I guess she was barely sixteen and wore a push up bra, but still! anyway I decide to go down on her. first time I went down on anybody before, and her puss was top rank. I did that for about five minutes then she started begging me to put it in her. she was still shaking from me fingering her earlier that I figured the sex was gonna be beyond amazing. so i'm putting my dick in her, she looks down, and sits right up and says 'Hey you're not wearing a condom, wow you're such a fucking asshole!'
Her saying that sobered me right the fuck up. it was pathetic. after that, she kept dry humping me (and moaning over that!) for probably half an hour, but I was so fucking pissed and bummed out that it didn't do much for me. looking back now I feel like keithanne the incest baby was probably in way more of a pathetic spot than I was, but still. I learned a valuable lesson that night, even if it makes you look like an asshole, always carry condoms in your wallet, shirt and pants pockets, have em all over your car...its just not worth getting into shitty situations over not having one.
Edit - Bob +1 for still getting at least some action with that chick.
nah, a little south of the twin tiers. think northern border of 845/southern border of 607.
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How has strangefires not posted in this thread yet?
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How has strangefires not posted in this thread yet?
been lurking to see if s/he posts. s/he would make a fine guest on jerry springer.
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haha shes kind of a myth/legend thats been being passed around the southeast lately. "have you heard about that chick thats a dude that rips?"
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this thread is killing it
i got a few i can share. i'll try and post up from home this weekend.
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damn, i really wish i had something good to contribute. everyone who told a gnarly story gets a gnar from me. i'm glued to this thread.
(and whoever keeps fucking up Sleazy's rep needs to cool-off. he should be at 666 forevers.)
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flew to finland from holland once to meet up with a girl i met in barcelona, turned out she had gotten back together with her boyfriend in the meantime so i didn't get any. weird thing was she was pretty much begging me to come to finland and see her. flight was about 300 euro's. i saw her a year later in barcelona again, she looked really malnourished. i think she has an eating disorder.
i had something similar happen to me but i flew out to LA.
this girl who worked for me that moved out there hit me up a couple of days before i was going to see my homey. i wanted to bang this girl for a minute but she worked for me so it was unethical(i've made the mistake before and didn't want to go through with it again) but shes hitting me up out of the blue and telling me to come check her so i'm thinking, i'm in like flynn!
so i kick it with my homey for a few days when she hits me up and says she coming to get me, awesome! i do all the pre-date shit, make sure my breath doesn't stink, test wipe my ass, that kind of shit. so an hour goes by and there shes is....with her motherfuckin man....FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU!
i didn't have much of a choice but to go with them so i spent an uneventful evening drinking in their apartment and broke out early the next day. on the bright side, i did find a porno mag in their bathroom and rubbed one out before leaving but thats more of a real confession, haha!
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"hey babe, want me to pick up a box of dong bags incase we decide to knock boots later?"
You don't know me very well if you think I won't use that line tonight.
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this was a few years back.
this girl i met a lived and worked in the city. so one night i come out and have dinner and drinks with her. she's rubbin up on me a bit and things are goin great, even better as the night goes on and more alcohol is consumed. then her phone rings. it's her mom's doctor (who lives in hawaii which explains the time difference). anyway, turns out her mom has cancer. i can't think of a worse buzz kill. so she ends up crying and pretty much losing it.
i'm not a complete dick, so i spent the rest of the night drinking with her and then she takes a taxi home. me being the dumbass i was, didn't realize it was passed midnight on a weekday. the metro wasn't running anymore and no taxi was willing to take me back to my place outside of the city. i was pretty drunk, ranting to myself and the homeless with the intention of walking the whole way home. somehow i managed to figure shit out and was able to find a bus to get me somewhere close enough that i could take a cab back to my place.
after that, she felt she needed to focus on her mom and eventually she moved back to hawaii.
either way i didn't see any of that coming.
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I'm constantly catching myself dropping a lame one liner directly after finishing. I always feel like its the same thing that David Carrussos character in CSI Miami would do if he ever got laid.
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damn faster! you're like the man.
I was reading this thread earlier today before this date I had with some girl and was certain i was gonna be posting in it later tonight.and now i am. So this girl i met a little while back has been texting me all week on some lets hang out shit but i've been working all week so i couldn't really, but today i had the day off and she wanted to go to the movies. So i get ready and shit, she comes through, we smoke weeds and go see that terrible anthony hopkins exorcist movie. and afterwards she comes through, we're vibing, we smoke again, come inside and sit on the couch watching tv and shit and i look over and this chick is asleep on my loveseat, so i'm like alright mad pothead status, came though smoked weed and passed out on my chair. but i was mad high and tired also so i fell asleep, we wake up around 2 and she's like i gotta go home, and i'm like thats mad far, and she was like true i'l stay for a bit. so we're chilling, we both fall asleep again, and wake up in like 20 mins, and i'm like yo you can sleep here tonight if you want, she was like i think i'm gonna go home, I'm like word, i'll get you a cab, but we chill for like another half hour then i walk her to a cab and say goodnight. she's been texting me like all the time and fartbooking me all day and shit, and she comes through and chills in my house till like 3 in the morning and then just bounces. can a nigga get a hj at least, i mean the fuck? i need to stop smoking weed before i try to hook up with girls, it makes me mad tired.
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i keep reading each new story with hopes that a happy ending will follow but am disappointed everytime.
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I'm constantly catching myself dropping a lame one liner directly after finishing. I always feel like its the same thing that David Carrussos character in CSI Miami would do if he ever got laid.
post those one liners.
I had another story come to mind. A few months ago I met this seriously drop dead gorgeous girl through a friend and we got along pretty nicely right from the start and it all led to her basically forcing her number on me and arranging a date for a few days later. I was psyched. So we go on a couple daytime dates and a few days later I'm just casually texting her to see whats up, since I got home earlier than expected from work and she replies instantly with a "I just thought about you!, I'm so bored!" blah. I jumped in the shower, bleached my asshole like faster! and we met up and went to a bar, actually having a decent conversation the entire time. The whole thing happened shortly after Leslie Nielsen had passed, so I addressed that and turns out she knew all of Police Squad and Naked Gun by heart. It was fairly easy to have us both laughing most of the time after that. She was probably laughing at jokes, I was laughing because she was laughing and I saw where this could be going.
Then the bar closed and we went outside, she offered me a cigarette and I responded with a mandatory "I know". Since it was icecold outside she said she needed to grab my arm because the ground was so slippy. My left eyebrow moved up a little bit and I offered her to walk her to her door and she agreed. We had a few more laughs on the way when she said I had to come upstairs and watch an episode of police squad with her now, for the evenings sake. I had to work super early the next day and it was already 2am, but sure, let's watch some. I already had horrible puns about my very own naked gun go through my head when we got to her place. I made myself comfortable on the couch, disregarded an abercrombie bag in the corner and waited for her to come back from the bathroom. When she did, she took a seat not next to me, but on a different couch.
I was a bit baffled but tried to play it cool. As she was working the remote control I took a closer look at her living room and noticed a frame on the windowsill, portraying a girl and a dude kissing. I casually asked if she was living alone or if she maybe had a roommate, but she didn't. I hesitated for a second, then followed up with a "hey, this might sound stupid, but do you happen to have a boyfriend?"
and she gave back a short yes. To be sure, I told her that that was a shame and that I would certainly would've had to make a move on a pretty girl that appreciated the naked gun as much as I did if she didn't. Awkward silence ensued and was only interrupted by the police squad main title.
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i was 16 and had just moved back to the us from australia. i hooked up with all my skate homies and we were sharing stories of the things that had gone down over the year or so that i was gone. they were claiming that poon had become an easy commodity in my absence and that they were getting laid like it was nothing. they said come out with us tonight and you will get laid no problem. seemed kind of rediculous to me but i was down to check it out.
we hooked up and headed to the other side of town to this apartment. when we got there, there were a few girls there. most of my friends split to different apartments with different girls and i ended up at the apartment with this girl i never met and my friend. i hadn't even said a word to this girl and my friend kept motioning towards the bedroom with his head and giving me the don't me a pussy look. we are just sitting there in this long awkward moment of silence and then my friend says the girls name and says "you want to go in the room with sleazy?" and she's replies "yes" and we head back to the room. at this point i realzie these guys are for real and aparently have found a lot of ho's around town.
the girl was attrative in the young and haven't fucked up my body kind of way. we get into her room, get naked, dong bag gets strapped on and we start going at it. i'm thinking, "wow, this is amazing. easy pussy for days over here." and then next thing you know i can hear something in the other room and my friend comes running into the room and is like "her parents are home." i'm standing there but naked with only a dong bag on and my friend and the girl who had already managed to get some clothes on jump out the window and haul ass. by then the bedroom door is opening and i wasn't about to jump out the window naked, it was pitch black and couldn't find my clothes so i jumped in the closet.
"hey, is someone in there?"
"yeah..."
"where's my daughter?"
"i don't know she jumped out the window."
"who are you?"
"i'm just a friend of a friend who had stopped by."
"come out here now!"
"no way i'm coming out now and trust me when i say you don't want me to. turn on the light and leave the room and i'll be more than happy to jump out the window but no way am i coming out."
"OK then..."
i cam out the closet, grab my clothes and threw them on and then jumped out the window and ran to my car. my friends were already at my car having a good laugh. it was the start of the one of the craziest years of my life.
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that is neither pathetic nor a failing attempt, its an excellent story though, and as long as it ends up in one of these threads i'm happy......and nice weather, the fact that you asked her right away as you figured it out and didn't bite your tongue is what's real, she knew what she was doin, girls pull that shit all the time without having the intentions of "following through", you clearly were interesting enough to her, they just don't know what the fuck they're doing most of the time.......what happened with the BF, was he outta town, or asleep in the other room or somethin??
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probably lives in another city.
A few days later I told her how shitty it was from her part to not tell me until that point and she seemed mildly embarrassed but also fairly indifferent. Didn't contact her again after and havent heard from her either. fuck her for giving police squad a foul aftertaste.
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that is neither pathetic nor a failing attempt, its an excellent story though, and as long as it ends up in one of these threads i'm happy......and nice weather, the fact that you asked her right away as you figured it out and didn't bite your tongue is what's real, she knew what she was doin, girls pull that shit all the time without having the intentions of "following through", you clearly were interesting enough to her, they just don't know what the fuck they're doing most of the time.......what happened with the BF, was he outta town, or asleep in the other room or somethin??
So fucking true! Just read my first story in this thread, it's a prime example. Biggest pain in the ass ever!
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About 4 years ago I met this super hot chick, and to my surprise she was super into me and did all the work of asking for the number, making the calls, asking to hang out etc. We were super into eachother, and practically dating, but nothing ever went down sexually. Closed mouth kisses on the lips, spooning on the couch, hand up the back of the shirt giving a back rub, etc. The furthest I ever got was rubbing some booty through her jeans.
Long story short, the chick was an evil succubus cock tease bitch and after pseudo-dating for quite awhile, she gave me the "I think we should just be friends" shit. Even longer story short, for the next two years she fucked my mind but not my cock by pushing me away and pulling me in and being a horrible person.
A few highlights include (in chronological order):
-After I quit talking to her for awhile, asking ME out "Will you be my boyfriend?" then a few days later I went to Vancouver and days after I left she hooked up with some other dude and then dated him for 7 months.
-Coming over to my house drunk and sleeping in my bed. (Obviously with no zoning the bone.)
-Dating one of my friends who lived in a different city and not telling me about it.
-Calling me up at 3:00 in the morning telling me that she knows that I'm the dude she wants to marry and have kids with eventually and she can't imagine herself ending up with any other guy but she just can't get into anything that serious right now because it scares her.
-Almost a year after I broke off all contact with her one of her friends whom she had a falling out with pulled me aside at a bar and told me I needed to change my e-mail passwords because this evil woman-devil whore was reading my e-mails.
Just a real dumb bitch (obv, omg!). After I finally got her out of my system and pushed her out of my life for good, I started to hear about all these dudes she was sleeping with. One friend, two friends, three friends of mine, etc. One time I actually had to witness two of my buddies being like "No way! You fucked her too?!"
The best part is when I found out that she went to Vegas for work and fucked Braydon Szafranski. After that I stopped being bummed and was stoked because it was all so ridiculous that it's funny.
So yeah, years of pathetic failure.
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nice1
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that is neither pathetic nor a failing attempt, its an excellent story though, and as long as it ends up in one of these threads i'm happy......and nice weather, the fact that you asked her right away as you figured it out and didn't bite your tongue is what's real, she knew what she was doin, girls pull that shit all the time without having the intentions of "following through", you clearly were interesting enough to her, they just don't know what the fuck they're doing most of the time.......what happened with the BF, was he outta town, or asleep in the other room or somethin??
cock tease cunts that don't put out? i got a lifetime of those, 35 years worth and counting!
the same goes for all those who practice the fine art of cock blocking, i hate you all. i hope you die a horrible death, fuckers.
still waiting on your stories, strangefires.
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Ohhh man...I got 3 within 2 weeks.
First off, I'm 6 months out of a 8 year marriage relationship, so I go through times of perfect self-confidence and complete and utter desperation. I'll wake up hungover, feel all guilty and terrible then feel all cock-sure just in time to go to the bars or a party. It all starts about a month ago at a Christmas Party, I was getting pretty drunk like usual on a Friday night at an acquaintances house. I was talking to these 3 chicks, two of them hot, the other larger but she had really pretty eyes. Me and the bigger girl where having a great conversation about music and other shit. Meanwhile, her two cute friends didn't want anything to do with me. So it comes time to leave and I got a 15 minute walk ahead of me, my friend and I are about to leave when one of the good looking girls and the bigger girls decide to leave with us. Of course the cute girl and my friend are talking and holding hands while the big girl grabs my hand. I'm already pondering whether or not I'm this desperate...finally the bigger girl asks if she can stay at my house because my house was about 10 blocks closer. Long story short, we smoke weed, listen to music and make out some. I'm coming around to the fact that my ex-virginity of 6 months will probably be lost to a fat girl. I think it's similar to drowning, I just felt all quiet and calm. To my chagrin I couldn't even get her out of her dress because, "I don't wanna be used and abused like all other bigger girls". I shortly fell asleep with a huge boner and a fat girl asking me repeatedly, "What are you thiiiinnkkkiiiinnnnggg"? Last week I ran into her at a and bar she asked me to get her a drink, and wanted to pay for mine too, but of course she got the beers and was suddenly out of cash. It was at that point that I went to the bathroom hoping to find the stall open, just so I could slam my dick in the lid.
I'll save the other two for a different day.
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Ohhh man...I got 3 within 2 weeks.
First off, I'm 6 months out of a 8 year marriage relationship, so I go through times of perfect self-confidence and complete and utter desperation. I'll wake up hungover, feel all guilty and terrible then feel all cock-sure just in time to go to the bars or a party. It all starts about a month ago at a Christmas Party, I was getting pretty drunk like usual on a Friday night at an acquaintances house. I was talking to these 3 chicks, two of them hot, the other larger but she had really pretty eyes. Me and the bigger girl where having a great conversation about music and other shit. Meanwhile, her two cute friends didn't want anything to do with me. So it comes time to leave and I got a 15 minute walk ahead of me, my friend and I are about to leave when one of the good looking girls and the bigger girls decide to leave with us. Of course the cute girl and my friend are talking and holding hands while the big girl grabs my hand. I'm already pondering whether or not I'm this desperate...finally the bigger girl asks if she can stay at my house because my house was about 10 blocks closer. Long story short, we smoke weed, listen to music and make out some. I'm coming around to the fact that my ex-virginity of 6 months will probably be lost to a fat girl. I think it's similar to drowning, I just felt all quiet and calm. To my chagrin I couldn't even get her out of her dress because, "I don't wanna be used and abused like all other bigger girls". I shortly fell asleep with a huge boner and a fat girl asking me repeatedly, "What are you thiiiinnkkkiiiinnnnggg"? Last week I ran into her at a and bar she asked me to get her a drink, and wanted to pay for mine too, but of course she got the beers and was suddenly out of cash. It was at that point that I went to the bathroom hoping to find the stall open, just so I could slam my dick in the lid.
I'll save the other two for a different day.
speaking of fat chicks,
my man asked me to fly wingman one night....the bitch was at least 6 foot something and 200 lbs. mind you i'm like 5 foot nothing and 130lbs, wet! we'll just say when push came to shove, i ran...actually i excused myself to the bathroom then jumped in a cab and hightailed it out of there, fuck my friend!
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I'm constantly catching myself dropping a lame one liner directly after finishing. I always feel like its the same thing that David Carrussos character in CSI Miami would do if he ever got laid.
I guess its not always directly after, but sometimes during. Off hand a few come to mind.
This one time I was getting head sitting on a five gallon bucket while my friend was hitting her from behind in the middle of the forrest. I asked the girl "is this the kind of stuff they teach you in school?"
When I was in Vegas in 07, I met the girl who trains the dolphins at the Mirage and was blackout drunk and ended up going home with her. I remember her showing me multiple picture of her with dolphins and kids, really boring shit. I figured it was already in the bag, and it was, I just had to stay awake long enough to do it. I blacked out and pretty much came too saying ".......but i'm fucking you instead." she was so unpleased. She pushed me off and rolled over and started crying. I will never know what I said I'd rather be doing, but ended up......fucking her instead.
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I'm constantly catching myself dropping a lame one liner directly after finishing. I always feel like its the same thing that David Carrussos character in CSI Miami would do if he ever got laid.
I guess its not always directly after, but sometimes during. Off hand a few come to mind.
This one time I was getting head sitting on a five gallon bucket while my friend was hitting her from behind in the middle of the forrest. I asked the girl "is this the kind of stuff they teach you in school?"
When I was in Vegas in 07, I met the girl who trains the dolphins at the Mirage and was blackout drunk and ended up going home with her. I remember her showing me multiple picture of her with dolphins and kids, really boring shit. I figured it was already in the bag, and it was, I just had to stay awake long enough to do it. I blacked out and pretty much came too saying ".......but i'm fucking you instead." she was so unpleased. She pushed me off and rolled over and started crying. I will never know what I said I'd rather be doing, but ended up......fucking her instead.
fuck, maybe its because I just woke up, but I haven't laughed this hard on slap in ages.
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so this girl i've been talking to a lot lately came through today and we literally hung out and smoked weed from like 5pm - 7am like staying up all night talking and vibing, but no real flirting or hints on her part. and she just leaves at 7am to go home. I feel like a pussy but i'm pretty good at telling when girls are in to me and i think this chick is just trying to be friends, but i never met any girl that stays at some dudes house till the morning after having just recently met them on some friend shit. What do i do next time i see this girl? she's pretty cool so I'm totally down to just be friends and kick it and shit but she is pretty cute and i want to have sex with her also.
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fuck her and then get rid of her
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I went to run my fingers through her hair, and her scalp moved. It took a second for that to sink in, and just as it did, she grabbed my hand and pulled it away from her head. I asked her if she was wearing a wig, and she said yes.
Good thing you noticed it on time! Imagine the horror that would've ensued when grabbing her hair while banging from behind.
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I've always wanted to cum on a bald girl's head.
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Okay here mine. Im im only 16 so i dont that many. But one time when I was 12 I went to spend the night at my friend's house so his mom would take us to a park that was having contest the next day. So im sittin in his bedroom and all the sudden he pulls a giant condom out of his dresser and puts it on, im thinkin wtf, then he preceeds to tell me if i dont let him bang me we wouldnt be able to go the park in the morning. Then he says just imagine he's a girl and it will only take a few minutes. I ended up leaving, now hes sponsored for the local skate shop.
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Okay here mine. Im im only 16 so i dont that many. But one time when I was 12 I went to spend the night at my friend's house so his mom would take us to a park that was having contest the next day. So im sittin in his bedroom and all the sudden he pulls a giant condom out of his dresser and puts it on, im thinkin wtf, then he preceeds to tell me if i dont let him bang me we wouldnt be able to go the park in the morning. Then he says just imagine he's a girl and it will only take a few minutes. I ended up leaving, now hes sponsored for the local skate shop.
congratulations, this is one of the most fucked up things ive ever heard
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haha shes kind of a myth/legend thats been being passed around the southeast lately. "have you heard about that chick thats a dude that rips?"
I can cosign that.
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I posted this story in TG a while back, but its a pretty good one.
august last summer, I went mountain bikign with my friend after work, (my ankle was jacked all summer so I didnt skate) then went drinking at my friends house with some bros, without tkaing a shower first.
so, we are gettin' drunk, listenin to kim mitchell and steeley dan, the usual, oh and we are drinking Absinthe that my frined has braought back from Poland. ? My friend's cocaine buzzer goes off in his mind, but none of us do blow except him, he is begging us to come to this waterfront area with bars so he can get some blow, I finially oblige because I live near the area and he promises to pay for the cab, so its a decent deal.
so we are sitting in this patio bar, ? closer to 2 am, and this girl comes up to me and is just bla bla bla, basically come to my house and fuck me, a real class act, I know the girl vaugly, and don't really realize who she is untill maybe 5-10 mins after talking to her, so i am like, whatever i am down,
so i go to her house, she lives withlike 3-4 other trashy girls, and a rotweiler puppy, the other girls have brought home some euro dudes who are pretty lame, and I decided to fight the rotweiler and wrestle it to the ground, jamming my for arm in its mouth, it was regular.
..then we go skinny dipping in lake ontario, FUCKING DISGUSTING.
so we go back to her house, and ? i am sobering up now, the cold water has opened my eyes to reality, i go lay on the couch, and she wakes me up moments later and gets me to come to her room, so i get her to suck my dick for a bit, just being an asshole with absolutly no intentions of recipricatiing and saying horrible shit to her while she is workin it.
she looks at my and is like ..........."fuck me" i swear to god, i though to myself "aids, herpes, assorted vaniel diseases" and responded...not without a condom.....she is like okeee, im going to go pee and look for one in the bathrrom, she hops and heads to the bathroom. i hear the door click.
analyze the pros and cons of the situation. a decision was made.
pull up my pants, grab my shoes...scurry to the front door, unlock, open it as quiet as possible, put my shoes on, run across the front yard, do a one handed hurdle over the white picket fence on the front yard...over a drainage ditch, (my ankle is sprained) so i land in a roll, get up, and run up the street and call a cab on my cell phone, and hide in the bushes until i see the cab.
i have never seen her again.
i forgot to add, she got uglier and fatter as the night went on.
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^^Beeda with the ol' "now ya see me. now ya don't" trick.
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These are all interesting/heartbreaking/hilarious..
I'll try one. Alright so i was about 15 in Vegas visiting my family and old friends for a week. There was this girl with whom i had been talking to over myspace for a few months prior, who was pretty cute. we had a lot in common etc. you know how that works. We just clicked. I didn't make a big deal out of it though because i lived in a different state anyway. Well while i was in vegas i called her up and asked if she wanted to hang out with me and one of my friends. So she called up her slutty friend who was totally down to hang out with my horny friend and we all went to the movies. GREAT! well after the movie we asked if they wanted to go to my house (my mom and step dad's house, because i lived in california at the time) and drink. They said yes and it was beginning to turn into the best night ever. This girl was super. fuckin. hot. So on the way to my house, my friend went into albertsons and stole smirnoff vodka, then we got to my house and started drinking (in my older sisters room, who was not home at the time). These girls were only about 14 or 15 and drunk off of literally 2 shots. And super horny. The girl i was into was super into me. And her friend super into my friend. We began making out right away and taking off our clothes and for some reason we were on the floor while my friend and his girl were on my sisters bed. Well about an hour or so into it we decided we wanted to fuck. Would have been my (and her) first time. So im like, to my friend "psst. lets go down the street real quick and get some condoms." so we get dressed super fast and literally run to 7-11 a couple blocks down the street and buy some condoms. We come back and start getting down with our girls again and its all good. Then about 30 min later this bitch my friend is getting with fuckin vomits all over my sisters bed and her brand new sheets. And im like fuck. So all the action stops and my friend and i do our best to clean up this pile of vomit that has gone through every layer of the bed into the mattress. and when all that is done everyone just lays down super not into it anymore. About an hour passes and the vomit bitch is passed out and my friend just passed out head first into a wall from drinking the rest of the vodka. And finally i try to fuck this girl and i got a limp dick from drinking too much. i was super embarrassed. and bummed. the next morning they left and my mom helped me clean up the bitches vomit and laughed about it because my mom is awesome. my sister was pissed though.
anyways i never saw that girl again and i guess she got into heroin a year later and went to rehab and shit and now lives in seattle with her russian boyfriend who beats her. and she's fat now.
That story was long and sucked. I'm sorry slap.
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Okay here mine. Im im only 16 so i dont that many. But one time when I was 12 I went to spend the night at my friend's house so his mom would take us to a park that was having contest the next day. So im sittin in his bedroom and all the sudden he pulls a giant condom out of his dresser and puts it on, im thinkin wtf, then he preceeds to tell me if i dont let him bang me we wouldnt be able to go the park in the morning. Then he says just imagine he's a girl and it will only take a few minutes. I ended up leaving, now hes sponsored for the local skate shop.
seriously
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This one is just from yesterday, and also very confusing.
So this girl that I've been on and off talking to for the past 4 months or so. We've hung out, she comes and watches me spin at the club, smoke, dinner. all that etc. We just kind of have conflicting schedules. So there would be like times where we would hang 3 times a week, and times of not talking for like 2 weeks. We haven't done anything at all, but we've exchanged nudes and have gotten pretty sexual via text msg. But in IRL something just never seems right. So after about a week of none to little communication, it's 4 am sunday morning. I'm just wide awake lurking slap and I see someone one is calling me. It's her. I pick up sounding a little dumbfounded on why she would be calling at this hour. She's drunk and wondering what I am doing. Convo carries on blah blah blah, seemed like a booty call but she was to far out of the way to come pick me up, and I don't drive so it was a no go. Then she is very adamant about hanging out the next day. Say shit like "dont go making other plans" "im gonna kidnap you for a couple days" and most of all my favorite "we're going to watch Waterworld" in kind of a drunk ramble. So when I wake up I talk to some of my dudes and tell them whats going down that their saying it's a most deff. that I'm gonna dango-stomp. So I get all stoked that I'm about to bang out this girl, cause through most of the time talking to her I've been passive. But the day had come, I was gonna put the moves down. So she picks me up and we kind of do some catch up talking. Get to her place, post up on the sofa. Pop in Waterworld, I sit right next to her and bam.
roomate walks in.
So I'm thinking to myself, hmm well she did say that I was going to be there for a couple days. Her roomate had rented some movies and wanted to watch them. So the three of us start watching this fuckin sexual ass movie, and they start talking about what they want in sexual partners. During this conversation, I'm absolutely silent. And this girl is almost to a tee describes me. So here I am sitting, with the hugest bonedaddy ever. Totally thinking that when the movie was over that we would go into her room and that I would violate most parts of her body. No. After it was over they wanted to watch another one. But this movie was not sexual(for me) because it was Milk. The story of Harvey Milk the first openly gay man to be in office. While it was a fantastic movie, it was also LONG AS FUCK. And by the time it was over I thought for sure it was "bed time"... NOT. She tells her roommate that she's gonna take me home and yadda yadda. My heart sinks to the floor.
And only now, while typing this out did I think... I could've just invited her in when she was gonna drop me off.
fuck.
I think I still have a pretty good chance. I'll post if I end up getting the goods.
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We haven't done anything at all, but we've exchanged nudes and have gotten pretty sexual via text msg
are you 12?
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hes 14 asshole, lay off.
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Pop in Waterworld, I sit right next to her
I'm surprised this seal the deal right there. The post apocalyptic environment of Waterworld coupled with the brilliance of Dennis Hopper, usually makes clothes fall off of girls.
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We haven't done anything at all, but we've exchanged nudes and have gotten pretty sexual via text msg
are you 12?
So maybe I'm not the best with girls. I mean the thread title is pathetic attempts.
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when her roomate came in you shoulda suggested going to her room fool, or mentioned how Milk turns you on or something
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Most of my pathetic andfailed attempts involve liqour and cocaine.
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First one was when my co-worker and I (also my roommate) were working and it's winter out so things are kind of slow so we would just people watch, and there are these two really good looking girls that are walking around doing shopping. We are sitting there making comments to each other about smashing these girls, and they walk past the window a few times and look in, eventually then they end up coming in and the better looking of the two tells me "I just had to come in and give you my number, and you better use it!" so we get to talking and they come and hang out at our place and things are going well, but since it's all snowy they had to get home since they didn't live in the same city. Fair enough I thought, so her and I keep talking and text messaging and it's going really well. It turns out she's a model and whatnot, but who isn't these days...
So, the next weekend I go visit her in her city and she keeps telling me to come stop by this tanning salon she is at, so I "cool guy" it for a bit and take my time. As soon as I get in the door she grabs me and starts like fully making out with me in the middle of this place and I am totally digging. She's telling me how bad she wants me to be with her blah blah blah.
Then she tells me she is coming to visit me and stay over the next weekend, so I am all pumped because I figure the deal is sealed. She gets there I make dinner, as I am cooking she finds a box I had just received from a company I was skating for at the time and she starts going through it picking things out and of course I am like yeah totally take what you want. Then night falls we are in bed and making out and messing around around a bit and I go to remove her bra (she insisted on sleeping in her panties and bra only) then she basically tells me how she wants a commitment, etc. etc. I am cool with that because we really seemed to click. So we were both pretty pumped on where we were in our "relationship." After she left the next day I never heard from her again. It was the weirdest thing.
Another time I went to the bar with my roommate and there was this Hawaiian girl there with the such a perfect ass among other features who I was taking to, but sometimes I am a bit more shy then I need to be so my roommate was like that's it you're banging this chick and left me no choice, so he just grabs her hand at the end of the night and says you're coming home with us, and she agreed. I wasn't drinking as I was the D.D. so I was pretty on point throughout the night and realized this was going to be awesome because she seemed pretty wild.
We get to our house and we head right to my room and we start getting pretty heavy and things are going well and she just straight up tells me to bang her. Things are starting out well and then she starts biting me and not like soft bites she fully bites my lip and I go "OW!" so she bites harder and I start bleeding then before I realize it she bites me like 3 or 4 more times on my body and I am just over it. I get up turn the light on and tell her that isn't my thing. She apologized, but at that point it was already really awkward. I told her I was going to sleep, and she told me she was going to watch tv with my roommate.
She ended up going in the living room and trying to get with him. He sends me a text and I told him go for it but she's a bit much, and he replied about not being too worried. She told him to slap her so he did but not too hard. She made him open hand slap her as hard as he could and knocked her down on the floor and she was loving it and going crazy. Needless to say I am glad I passed that up. It turned out she lived directly above us in our apartment complex and one night came into our house and was lurking around and trying to sleep with my roommate it was a bit freaky and we told her the cops would be involved if she pulled that again.
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why would you make up stories about not getting laid?
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why would you make up stories about not getting laid?
To increase his self esteem.
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I posted this story in TG a while back, but its a pretty good one.
august last summer, I went mountain bikign with my friend after work, (my ankle was jacked all summer so I didnt skate) then went drinking at my friends house with some bros, without tkaing a shower first.
so, we are gettin' drunk, listenin to kim mitchell and steeley dan, the usual, oh and we are drinking Absinthe that my frined has braought back from Poland. ? My friend's cocaine buzzer goes off in his mind, but none of us do blow except him, he is begging us to come to this waterfront area with bars so he can get some blow, I finially oblige because I live near the area and he promises to pay for the cab, so its a decent deal.
so we are sitting in this patio bar, ? closer to 2 am, and this girl comes up to me and is just bla bla bla, basically come to my house and fuck me, a real class act, I know the girl vaugly, and don't really realize who she is untill maybe 5-10 mins after talking to her, so i am like, whatever i am down,
so i go to her house, she lives withlike 3-4 other trashy girls, and a rotweiler puppy, the other girls have brought home some euro dudes who are pretty lame, and I decided to fight the rotweiler and wrestle it to the ground, jamming my for arm in its mouth, it was regular.
..then we go skinny dipping in lake ontario, FUCKING DISGUSTING.
so we go back to her house, and ? i am sobering up now, the cold water has opened my eyes to reality, i go lay on the couch, and she wakes me up moments later and gets me to come to her room, so i get her to suck my dick for a bit, just being an asshole with absolutly no intentions of recipricatiing and saying horrible shit to her while she is workin it.
she looks at my and is like ..........."fuck me" i swear to god, i though to myself "aids, herpes, assorted vaniel diseases" and responded...not without a condom.....she is like okeee, im going to go pee and look for one in the bathrrom, she hops and heads to the bathroom. i hear the door click.
analyze the pros and cons of the situation. a decision was made.
pull up my pants, grab my shoes...scurry to the front door, unlock, open it as quiet as possible, put my shoes on, run across the front yard, do a one handed hurdle over the white picket fence on the front yard...over a drainage ditch, (my ankle is sprained) so i land in a roll, get up, and run up the street and call a cab on my cell phone, and hide in the bushes until i see the cab.
i have never seen her again.
i forgot to add, she got uglier and fatter as the night went on.
Pretty good story to begin with, but that detail just made it hilarious/amazing.
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why would you make up stories about not getting laid?
same reason someone might make up a story of a kid pulling a"giant condom" out of a dresser, then propositioning that he has anal sex with them while pretending they were a girl.
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So here I am sitting, with the hugest bonedaddy ever.
This sentence is so fucking funny
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why would you make up stories about not getting laid?
Dude,if i were to make up a story about not gettin laid, it wouldnt be that, it would invole some hot bitch with MASSIVE boobs that looks like a model,who i fingered then she rubbed my GIANT COCK, we made out on the couch,then she gave me bj, and after she pulled her pants down but right after that she passed out, never sall her again after that, now she is a rich actress who live's in Hollywood with Bill Gates but sleeps around with Kobe and Alex Olson.
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why would you make up stories about not getting laid?
(http://img840.imageshack.us/img840/4199/1278489777429.jpg)
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why would you make up stories about not getting laid?
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why would you make up stories about not getting laid?
Now that's MY KINDA HOOK UP! BOO-YA!
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why would you make up stories about not getting laid?
Now that's MY KINDA HOOK UP! BOO-YA!
I love you Watson.
Now how's that for awkward.
oh tshi wrong thread.
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Okay.. If this qualifies as a failed and/or pathetic attempt at sexual relations, im not sure. let the story speak for itself.
Ive had the flu for the last 4 days, puking, flem-chest, face-schmegmga.. the whole nine. right?
Two nights ago this girl who i have had one drunken and 'blown out' night with in the TL last week, that led to nothing, nada... hits me up at one in the morning. "what r u up 2?" i reply with "sick as fuck, trying to get some sleep". "Would you like some soup?' is her reply.. Of course i'd like some soup, I'd LOVE, some soup!
"..thank you, i'll go unlock the door now." I fall back asleep or whatever you want to call it... then, all of a sudden there are lights on in my room. soft voices, the smell of chicken-noodle (the expensive kind). I realize she actually did it, this 5' Korean woman brought me chicken soup in the middle of the night. it was an amazing revelation.
over the next 21 hours we ingested xanax, percocet, cocaine, alcohol, and nicotine.. in no particular order. we attempted to engage in the act of coitus at some point, all seemed well until my erection ended abruptly, and without warning. I pledge on all that is holy 'i was hard for at least.. At Least!.. four minutes and change. ' that however is a mere estimate, for i refrained from timing myself on this particular occasion.
until next time,
lenny
good night.
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a couple of months ago i met this girl at a party she went up to one of my friends and asking him if im single, he says na so then she just came up to me and started hooking up. i went to go get another beer and she was gone, i wasnt really pissed at this point but i didnt even know what she looked like but then my friend came up to me saying how hot she is and shit.
she ended up getting my number from one of my other friends (i found that creepy but she was goodlookin so i let it slide) she hits me up every weekend to chill and i am always workin and shit and just dont feel like picking her up cause she lives on the other side of town.
One night she told me about a huge party so i was like fuck why not ill pick you up and go. i brought my friend and his girl with me and we all ended up getting really drunk. i drop off my friend and his girl at his place and then i was about to drop off my girl at her house but she said go up the block a little bit. right when i park she just hops on my dick and rips my shirt off, at that point i was feeling great cause i wasnt doing shit and she was doin all the work. she took her shirt off and pants and i was takin mine off to (realize that we are tryin to undress in the drivers seat of the car) she gets her pants off, mine are down to my ankles but i just dont really give a fuck at this point.
She starts rubbing my cock good which got me hard and then out of no where i here a fucking phone ring, it wasnt mine it was her's, she was about to anwser her it and i knocked her phone to the ground. the phone rang again, after the second call she just got off of me and when she was done on the call she just said "my mom wants me home now". i drop my jaw and just am fucking pissed at this point because she was the one all over me and now this shit is happening?
after that i dont really talk to this chick anymore just because my dick will never forgive her for the pain she has cause
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YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz1nQEQ6UAQ#)
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the fact that he didn't like dirty talk is the awkward part
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fags can be such queers.
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So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
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jesus christ that entire post was fucking amazing
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that was awesome
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So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
were you taken pills before? That happened to me once but it mostly happens when I try to jack off after Ive taken pills.
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So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
probably the best portion of a sentence I've read on SLAP.
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So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
probably the best portion of a sentence I've read on SLAP.
hahaha, seconded. plus, if you wait too long, your dick will think "fuck this shit, if you're not doing it, i'm not doing it."
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So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
probably the best portion of a sentence I've read on SLAP.
fukin sig'd
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That was the best thing i've ever read.
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this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
seriously, i don't care how old, cool, confident, healthy or virile you are.
Viagra is a MUST for every gentlemen's medicine cabinet.
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i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird.
you should have just said yes though she would've been in for a rude awakening considering how you wipe your butt!
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So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
Fuck her with a Halfy!
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So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
im thinking she said "lick your balls" but i could be wrong and me being wrong has never been this possibly awesome. hit her back up and fill us in.
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So this chick that has been falling asleep at my house randomly hit me up last night talking bout I need someone to snuggle with, so I'm like word me too, she's like come through and i'm like word! so i go to her house and we're watching bizarre foods for like 2 hours and then we go to her room and start snuggling and talking. I waited far too long to make a move and by the time we start making out it's already light out, but i'm like whatevs. so were making out and after a while my hand creeps towards her vaginal and homegirl's clit is pierced! i'm like whoa... this is awesome, it was like some porno shit. I mean i knew homegirl wasn't inexperienced or anything but if i knew she had a piercing on her vaginal i would not have waited so long to make a move. so i'm like alright this is cool, time to stick my penis up in there, and i look down and nothing, that shit didn't even move. i'm like oh my god based god you have to be kidding me, this chick is straight up laying there with her pierced vaginal out and my little homeboy can't even get his shit together, foreal B? so I focus all my energy like trying to get the smallest amount of blood in to my penis head but nothing happens, and i'm super bummed. She's like it's all good you can have me any other time and i think she might have whispered "i wan't to lick your butt" mad quietly and i'm like huh? and she was like what? and it was a little weird. I mean i'm only like 35% sure that's what she said, but that is a scary percentage when talking about butt licking. anywhoozle, we both fall asleep after that and wake up in the morning, it wasn't really weird or anything and i felt fine, i'm just bummed that my dick has like a mind of its own sometimes and cockblocks itself. I don't know if it was because i was really tired or what. I think it was just cause i was mad nervous to hook up with her the whole time. this is also not the first time this has happened. does anyone else have this problem? how do i prevent this from happening again? cool story br0?
Fuck her with a Halfy!
fold it in half and punch it in?
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ive had limp dick cockblock me probably 20 times in my life. id say 17 of those times were from being really drunk. 2 from being really nervous, and 1 from so much foreplay that my dick just finally gave up by the time sex came around.
the first 2 nervous times had me worried, so i bought this enhancement pill from a friend. took the pill, the chick came over and we watched some stupid fucking movie that i cant remember and when i walked her out to her car i kissed her goodbye. thats fucking IT! i went inside and had a wonderful time jacking off with the stiffest boner i had experienced since 5th grade.
then i decided to get a few drinks in me if i was ever nervous, which actually works pretty well if you just have a few. most of my whiskey dick moments were with girlfriends so i wasnt too bummed on it.
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how do i prevent this from happening again?
Next time she says mad quietly "I want to lick your butt", respond mad loudly "Hell yeah bitch! Get to it!"
Guaranteed raging boner.
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One time, I was playing spin the bottle with a bunch of homies, a good mix of guys and gals. ? We had a rule going where if you didn't want to kiss someone of the same sex you had to shed an article of clothing. ? On top of that, we were pounding whiskey and beer like water. ? Also, the third time you kiss someone you have to get gnarlier with it. ? So after about an hour or two, we were all completely naked, and there was very little order to anything, we were just making out with eachother at random. ? I had my eyes set on this girl Lauren, who cut my hair once and happened to be a fox who was DFT, and we were naked in front of 10 people going at it in a well lit stairwell. ? And then we decided to move the party to this dudes house. ? Why? ? I don't know.
We get there, and it's dark, and it becomes apparent that everyone is WASTED beyond salvaging, and the evening is done. ? Lauren is on the sofa, and I curl up next to her. ? And then some dude is like, hey you guys can have the bed if you want, I'll take the sofa. ? So I'm all "hell yeah, this might happen" if I was even capable of thinking at that time. ? I know my penis was thinking that.
I stumble into this dark room, Lauren is still of the sofa, and this dude grabs me and tries to stubble fuck my face with his mouth, and I just start puking everywhere. ? I don't know if it was on purpose to get revenge for this motherfrankfurt trying to lure me into a trap, but I murdered his bed, his carpet, and his bathroom with projectile vomitting. ? I woke up the next day in the shower, with puke everywhere, completely naked. ? No one was there. ? I walked out and got in my car ? and I went skateboarding.
edit:Dtf, not dft.
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One time, I was playing spin the bottle with a bunch of homies, a good mix of guys and gals. We had a rule going where if you didn't want to kiss someone of the same sex you had to shed an article of clothing. On top of that, we were pounding whiskey and beer like water. Also, the third time you kiss someone you have to get gnarlier with it. So after about an hour or two, we were all completely naked, and there was very little order to anything, we were just making out with eachother at random. I had my eyes set on this girl Lauren, who cut my hair once and happened to be a fox who was DFT, and we were naked in front of 10 people going at it in a well lit stairwell. And then we decided to move the party to this dudes house. Why? I don't know.
>down for truckin?
We get there, and it's dark, and it becomes apparent that everyone is WASTED beyond salvaging, and the evening is done. Lauren is on the sofa, and I curl up next to her. And then some dude is like, hey you guys can have the bed if you want, I'll take the sofa. So I'm all "hell yeah, this might happen" if I was even capable of thinking at that time. I know my penis was thinking that.
I stumble into this dark room, Lauren is still of the sofa, and this dude grabs me and tries to stubble fuck my face with his mouth, and I just start puking everywhere. I don't know if it was on purpose to get revenge for this motherfrankfurt trying to lure me into a trap, but I murdered his bed, his carpet, and his bathroom with projectile vomitting. I woke up the next day in the shower, with puke everywhere, completely naked. No one was there. I walked out and got in my car and I went skateboarding.
>YES
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The last girl's number I got was at a bar on New Years Eve. We did the little midnight happy new years kiss thing, which led into a few more kisses, and us with our arms around eachother. She was pretty wasted because she was about to leave. I'm thinking I might get laid tonight this is awesome. Her friend is all like, "That guy is cool, let him walk you home." I'm thinking thanks buddy. So I tell her I gotta go cash out at the bar, and we can leave, and she's like no thats cool. I tell her you should have someone walk you home it's dangerous at night to walk by yourself, she's like it's cool I got a hatchet.
She pulls a foot long hatchet out of her purse, and is like prepared for an attack. I was thinking she wasn't joking about the hatchet. I've never seen a girl with a hatchet. The last time I saw someone with a hatchet they were going to chop some wood or something. So she's got this hatchet out, and she's gripping it in her hands pretty tight, like if anyone was gonna take it away from her, she was gonna chop off their hand.
And it was a nice hatchet from what I remember. I don't know where you would get nice hatchets from, I'm guessing somewhere online.
So I'm admiring her hatchet and the whole time we're still standing really close together, so the timing was right, so I asked her for her number. I get her number, kiss and hug one more time, and she heads out down the street.
I go back into the bar and continue drinking and ringing in the new year telling everyone that chick I was talking to has a hatchet. They seemed not to care too much but were more surprised that I got her number. So the rest of the night goes along with more randomness and ending with me waiting 2 hours to flag a cab down. Cab drivers can be such dickheads sometimes.
So a few days pass and I call up the girl I met. It rang and rang and went to her voicemail. So I figure I'll leave a message, that always works. So I say, "Hey it's me, I met you the other night at the bar we talked for awhile, about what we do, where we're from and stuff like that. I was wondering if you wanted to go out get some food or drinks, and stuff. We can chop people up with your hatchet. Alright have a good one, talk to you later, bye."
And I haven't heard back from her yet. I only called her once. It would of been fun if we hooked up. I could of said, "I'm getting Mid-Evil on your ass."
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Uh oh...
(http://i13.ebayimg.com/05/i/000/f7/5c/3677_1.JPG?set_id=7)
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The last girl's number I got was at a bar on New Years Eve. We did the little midnight happy new years kiss thing, which led into a few more kisses, and us with our arms around eachother. She was pretty wasted because she was about to leave. I'm thinking I might get laid tonight this is awesome. Her friend is all like, "That guy is cool, let him walk you home." I'm thinking thanks buddy. So I tell her I gotta go cash out at the bar, and we can leave, and she's like no thats cool. I tell her you should have someone walk you home it's dangerous at night to walk by yourself, she's like it's cool I got a hatchet.
She pulls a foot long hatchet out of her purse, and is like prepared for an attack. I was thinking she wasn't joking about the hatchet. I've never seen a girl with a hatchet. The last time I saw someone with a hatchet they were going to chop some wood or something. So she's got this hatchet out, and she's gripping it in her hands pretty tight, like if anyone was gonna take it away from her, she was gonna chop off their hand.
And it was a nice hatchet from what I remember. I don't know where you would get nice hatchets from, I'm guessing somewhere online.
So I'm admiring her hatchet and the whole time we're still standing really close together, so the timing was right, so I asked her for her number. I get her number, kiss and hug one more time, and she heads out down the street.
I go back into the bar and continue drinking and ringing in the new year telling everyone that chick I was talking to has a hatchet. They seemed not to care too much but were more surprised that I got her number. So the rest of the night goes along with more randomness and ending with me waiting 2 hours to flag a cab down. Cab drivers can be such dickheads sometimes.
So a few days pass and I call up the girl I met. It rang and rang and went to her voicemail. So I figure I'll leave a message, that always works. So I say, "Hey it's me, I met you the other night at the bar we talked for awhile, about what we do, where we're from and stuff like that. I was wondering if you wanted to go out get some food or drinks, and stuff. We can chop people up with your hatchet. Alright have a good one, talk to you later, bye."
And I haven't heard back from her yet. I only called her once. It would of been fun if we hooked up. I could of said, "I'm getting Mid-Evil on your ass."
you should have just asked to see her hatchet wound
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The best part is when I found out that she went to Vegas for work and fucked Braydon Szafranski. After that I stopped being bummed and was stoked because it was all so ridiculous that it's funny.
omg thats a crazy story i feel bad for you but i literally started laughing when i read the shit about Braydon, like damn thats crazy
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fuck sakes
last night i went to niagara falls in a limo with just 2 guys and 10 girls, this one girl was having a beef with the other girls and i cheered her up, shit was going so well. then i told her i like her, and she hugged me for a really really long time\. i should have just started trying ot make out with her in the iddle of the bar but i panicked. a few seconds later she fucking went and talked to some mike vallelly fagget and ruined everything. i was so fucking pissed. she was hot as fuck too i dont know what her problem is. its not like she went home with him or anything she came home with us but she basically avoided me for the rest of the night, it was shitty. i think there is actually something wrong with me
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what bar did you go to rawb? niagara falls is like the soon to be stripper, tribal tat and coked out dupste rchick capital of eastern north america.
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Rawb, you have your own thread for stuff like this hombre!
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how do i prevent this from happening again?
Next time she says mad quietly "I want to lick your butt", respond mad loudly "Hell yeah bitch! Get to it!"
Guaranteed raging boner.
OMG HAhahahaha. Awesomeness.
I went back to this girls house after seeing a Black Sabbath Cover Band(it was gnar). We were both pretty drunk, and she wanted to cuddle ;D...... but just cuddle that's it. >:(
I was like, "Uhh, I'm fucking drunk, and you're a cute girl. I'm not gunna rape you... but I'm gunna mind fuck you all night, as in I won't sleep."
I went out into the living room and passed out.
The nerve of females. Gosh darn.
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whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them
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I wanna hear some CoTG pathetic and failed attempts at sexual relations
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whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them
Whenever I cuddle with girls their hair itches the fuck out of my nose and I want to rip off their head and just keep the part that matters: the butthole.
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At a party at a friends house some chick was making out with multiple dudes. We were drinking and I had to pee. As I was walking into the bathroom she snaked it and locked us in together. She had to wizz too, so she did her thing. When it was my turn I accidentally released the worlds loudest fart. Instead of the suspected "wtf" look most girls would give, she started laughing her ass off.
Later that night after everyone left she ended up making out on top of me on the couch. The entire time I just thought to myself, "fuck...I'm too drunk to get a boner." I proceeded to pass out...possibly mid make-out, memory was hazy. I woke up around 4AMish to her staring at me on the other side of the couch smiling. She kind of weirded me out, so I drove home drunk.
So if you're ever in an awkward situation around a whore, just fart really loud and she'll be into it.
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So if you're ever in an awkward situation around a whore, just fart really loud and she'll be into it.
sig'd
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whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them
Whenever I cuddle with girls their hair itches the fuck out of my nose and I want to rip off their head and just keep the part that matters: the butthole.
gnar'd 4ever <3<3<3
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whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them
we fight the same battle my friend
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whenever i 'cuddle' with girls i always feel incredibly awkward because i get a boner and it pokes them
You guys feel awkward about poking girls with your boners? That is the entire reason you are alive!
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nothing
worse better than consoling a girlfriend who has a tragic loss in the family or somthing similar, then jammin' your boner in to her.
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anybody get a boner while grinding against phat azzes?
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I wanna hear some CoTG pathetic and failed attempts at sexual relations
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I wanna hear some CoTG pathetic and failed attempts at sexual relations
He gets ham all the time.
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when it comes to fat girls, I bet hes done a few NBD's.
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It's not that hard to succeed. Just lower the bar. There's been a couple times when all i've had to say is "want to make black babies with me?" and the ladies go stupid for it. or just whip out my dick. That's worked quite a bit.
Back on subject. When I was 17 I had a friend with benefits that would always talk about how she wanted me to go balls deep in her ass. well i broke it off with her after a while because i found out she was dating someone i knew. One day i decided just to go for it. I text her and say "Want to come over and get some of this Nigga dick?" to which she responds "Of course ;)" so i get all ready, i make my futon and clean my balls, and she arrives. We go up to my room and start fooling around. She asks me to eat her out and i do. She orgasms and then i ask her to return the favor to which she starts crying and saying "I have a boyfriend, blahblahblah." I comfort her and get her to stop crying. We then keep going and i say "I'm going to go balls deep in that ass," and she starts crying again and says we can't do this anymore. We then play Mario Carts and she leaves. So disappointing. i didn't even kick her ass in Mario Carts.
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It's not that hard to succeed. Just lower the bar. .
Nothing more true than this. My dad used to say "Son, a man with standards is only cock blocking himself."
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I was at a party once, pissing in the bathroom. The door didn't lock. A few seconds in to my great piss, a heavy flock of bitches all push through the door and crowd around the mirror to apply makeup. One of the girls really had to pee, so I finished, lowered the seat, and then stepped to the side behind the makeup girls in hopes that I would be able to wash my hands and get the hell out of there.
So the girl who has to pee, she flops down with a quickness, and as soon as her cheeks hit the seat she filled that toilet bowl to the top with diarrhea. Everyone went silent, eyes lit up, hands went over mouths. I decided against washing and walked out of the bathroom and told everyone I saw.
I had sex in a car parked on the street shortly after.
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when it comes to fat girls, I bet hes done a few NBD's.
He's doing all the fat girls the most amazing of pros are doing
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It's not that hard to succeed. Just lower the bar. .
Nothing more true than this. My dad used to say "Son, a man with standards is only cock blocking himself."
hahahaha. A friend of mine always says "Standards are for relationships."
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I was at a party once, pissing in the bathroom.? The door didn't lock.? A few seconds in to my great piss, a heavy flock of bitches all push through the door and crowd around the mirror to apply makeup.? One of the girls really had to pee, so I finished, lowered the seat, and then stepped to the side behind the makeup girls in hopes that I would be able to wash my hands and get the hell out of there.?
So the girl who has to pee, she flops down with a quickness, and as soon as her cheeks hit the seat she filled that toilet bowl to the top with diarrhea.? Everyone went silent, eyes lit up, hands went over mouths.? I decided against washing and walked out of the bathroom and told everyone I saw.
I had sex in a car parked on the street shortly after.
get the fuck out of here with your succesful attempts at acquiring vagina
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Let's dig deeper for more pathetic and even more failed please.
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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.
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tell me youre joking
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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.
tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.
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It's not that hard to succeed. Just lower the bar. .
Nothing more true than this. My dad used to say "Son, a man with standards is only cock blocking himself."
The fucking nuggets of wisdom I find in this place...amazing.
Time to get my fuck on with some chubbers and/or homely girls!
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about a year ago i had just gotten over this long thing with this chick who never even dated me... we were fucking all the time and I ended up becoming friends with her BF she was cheating on with me, but at the time shit sucked and left me really raw.. I hadnt gotten any for a while and ended up going up to seattle for this party and was kinda determined to try and find something... I ended up talking to this fat chick who was pretty big but had a pretty face and was reallll easy to talk and flirt with.. We were gona go back to my friends house (who had actually fucked her before but had a gf now) and I was all ready to make it happen. . we were walking towards his place and talking and flirting still and all the sudden i notice she was holding my homeys hand (the guy who had banged her before) and I was all drunk so I just got fucking pissed and told me other homey we were with that we were leaving.. the chick and my friend though we would meet back up up but I just peaced as I was so pissed I had blown hooking up with a fat chick... truth be told she probably wouldve had me AND my friend but I wasn't ready to go there..
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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.
tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.
what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?
Okay anal might not be the gayest thing. Things like she puts something up in your ass are gayer. I've done anal a few times and it's too tight. A pussy fits way better.
Well, if you have a pencil dick i understand taking girls anal.
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and the most I ever went through to get laid:
in high school, like 17, me and my friends reconnected with this chick who had gone to our school and left and was now partying like us.. we were all at this party at my friends house and I had been playing a show with my band earlier that night and popped a few percocets. got to the party and started drinking and smoking heavily. get on the "dance floor" in the living room and started dancing with this chick, we had known eachother but never really clicked or talked.. id say she was like a 7 but freaky so like a 7.5... we were basically just dry humping at a certain point and the only ones on the dancefloor so I suggested we go upstairs.. we get up there and things move pretty fast.. we're seemingly about to fuck but I just cant get it up.. she trys and trys for like 10 minutes but I'm completely flaccid.. It was partly the percocet and also the fact that she told me she had a 24 year old russian line cook boyfriend she was aparently cheating on with me.. either way, her fucking friend started banging on the door and demanding they leave... so with my cock still soft we decided to finish up at a later date...
luckily she was having a party at her house a few weeks later.. I made sure to not get too fucked up, but this party kinda sucked.. everyone was watching "velvet goldmine" and some kids were on ecstasy acting like idiots.. once i got drunk enough, this chick busts out some huge cigar and starts puffin.. i'm like "you wana go up stairs?" and she was like "not til i finish this cigar." I guess she had to regulate shit in her house but I wanted to slam.. (this was probably only the third chick i had banged)... finally after like 2 hours we finally get up in her room, but her BFF and gay friend are in there too cause were smoking weed... the BFF gets the picture and leaves, but the fucking gay friend wont leave... I tried everything on him, dropping every hint... finally I convince him to go unclog this piece we were smoking out of and as soon as the fucked leaves, I slam and lock the door... then we FINALLY got down to business, no penis malfunctions, although I couldn't finish and we ended up going for like 45 minutes.. worth it though i guess.
So that's the good story? get the fuck out of here with this shit. Noone wants to hear a boring story about you getting laid for the third time. You picked the wrong type of pathetic and missed the failed part, now leave.
here's how it's done:
a few months ago, my bud brought some girls over to my place after a social, just to have drinks and shit. one was aight, he was on the couch with her and the other was a fatty who i ignored all night. im in the kicthen making perogies and she comes in and asks if i want to snuggle. i take it as an invite for sex and im kind of drunk so after finishing my perogies i go and get a condom and meet her in the computer room. she starts kissing me and i take off my shirt. her shirt has about 40 fucking buttons on it and shes struggling to get it off then after a minute, gets frustrated, and rips it off. so im sucking her tits and shes playing with my dick, im trying to get hard when my buddy opens the door, "what the fuck close the door!" i yell. then her friend opens the door and now im pissed off. i didnt even stick it in her yet and shes like "i cant do this i have a boyfriend". great, so i call a cab and shes standing outside with her ripped up shirt. i thought that was gonna be the end of it but apparently shes dating a dude who i know through a friend and we were supposed to play on the same beer league hockey team this year. word gets out "i fucked his girl", now im kicked off that team. last week i went to go watch one of their games and after the bf gets off the ice he runs up the bleachers and clocks me on my fucking eyebrow. i wanted to push him down the stairs but i mean i feel kind of bad for the dude, i didnt even know they were dating when i did that shit. anyways, i learnt 2 things from all of this: 1, fat girls are the sluttiest and 2, be secretive when you fuck one, lol
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and the most I ever went through to get laid:
in high school, like 17, me and my friends reconnected with this chick who had gone to our school and left and was now partying like us.. we were all at this party at my friends house and I had been playing a show with my band earlier that night and popped a few percocets. got to the party and started drinking and smoking heavily. get on the "dance floor" in the living room and started dancing with this chick, we had known eachother but never really clicked or talked.. id say she was like a 7 but freaky so like a 7.5... we were basically just dry humping at a certain point and the only ones on the dancefloor so I suggested we go upstairs.. we get up there and things move pretty fast.. we're seemingly about to fuck but I just cant get it up.. she trys and trys for like 10 minutes but I'm completely flaccid.. It was partly the percocet and also the fact that she told me she had a 24 year old russian line cook boyfriend she was aparently cheating on with me.. either way, her fucking friend started banging on the door and demanding they leave... so with my cock still soft we decided to finish up at a later date...
luckily she was having a party at her house a few weeks later.. I made sure to not get too fucked up, but this party kinda sucked.. everyone was watching "velvet goldmine" and some kids were on ecstasy acting like idiots.. once i got drunk enough, this chick busts out some huge cigar and starts puffin.. i'm like "you wana go up stairs?" and she was like "not til i finish this cigar." I guess she had to regulate shit in her house but I wanted to slam.. (this was probably only the third chick i had banged)... finally after like 2 hours we finally get up in her room, but her BFF and gay friend are in there too cause were smoking weed... the BFF gets the picture and leaves, but the fucking gay friend wont leave... I tried everything on him, dropping every hint... finally I convince him to go unclog this piece we were smoking out of and as soon as the fucked leaves, I slam and lock the door... then we FINALLY got down to business, no penis malfunctions, although I couldn't finish and we ended up going for like 45 minutes.. worth it though i guess.
fine i just left the other one
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fuck sakes
last night i went to niagara falls in a limo with just 2 guys and 10 girls, this one girl was having a beef with the other girls and i cheered her up, shit was going so well. then i told her i like her, and she hugged me for a really really long time\. i should have just started trying ot make out with her in the iddle of the bar but i panicked. a few seconds later she fucking went and talked to some mike vallelly fagget and ruined everything. i was so fucking pissed. she was hot as fuck too i dont know what her problem is. its not like she went home with him or anything she came home with us but she basically avoided me for the rest of the night, it was shitty. i think there is actually something wrong with me
that sounds like an amazing surreal basis for all sorts of amorous adventures
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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.
tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.
what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?
haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.
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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.
tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.
what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?
haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.
Maybe it sucked because I had a condom on and it only got halfway in. Maybe a full anal session soon.
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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.
tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.
what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?
haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.
Maybe it sucked because I had a condom on and it only got halfway in. Maybe a full anal session soon.
see you soon!
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We then play Mario Carts and she leaves. So disappointing. i didn't even kick her ass in Mario Carts.
The pluralization makes me giggle.
New Years, 2-3 years ago. Bouncing around to some parties, my best friend Jimmy was sober cabing.(As in, lots o weed, zero alcohol)
We end up at a hotel party. We decided to stay, Jimmy starts putting back shots. There's this girl who was DESPERATE for something. Thing is that she's my friends ex, and I try to have some morals haha. 3am and people are passing out. There's a couple in the other bed, so me, jimmy, and this chick are sharing one. She ends up taking off everything but her panties. I was drunk as fuck and jus praying that she would touch my dick, cuz if you don't make the first move, it's ok I guess haha.
That didn't happen. The bedtime situation turned into an awkward, half naked chick needing pancakes, but no one wants to cook moment. So... I ended up grabbing her right breast, gave it a good squeeze (out came a giggle) then I reached across her, grabbed Jimmy's hand and put it on the other. Then I stared Jimmy in the eyes, we had a bro-moment.
I know we both weren't into her sober... So I got up, told her how amazing her breasts and ass are, and dragged jimmy outta there. I ended up driving us back home hammered.
Didn't wanna wake up the next day, with too much of a "I'm a douche" taste in my mouth.
Though driving way drunk probably puts me in that category.
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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.
tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.
what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?
haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.
i don't know too many girls that want to fuck a dude with a strap-on, ha!
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We then play Mario Carts and she leaves. So disappointing. i didn't even kick her ass in Mario Carts.
The pluralization makes me giggle.
New Years, 2-3 years ago. Bouncing around to some parties, my best friend Jimmy was sober cabing.(As in, lots o weed, zero alcohol)
We end up at a hotel party. We decided to stay, Jimmy starts putting back shots. There's this girl who was DESPERATE for something. Thing is that she's my friends ex, and I try to have some morals haha. 3am and people are passing out. There's a couple in the other bed, so me, jimmy, and this chick are sharing one. She ends up taking off everything but her panties. I was drunk as fuck and jus praying that she would touch my dick, cuz if you don't make the first move, it's ok I guess haha.
That didn't happen. The bedtime situation turned into an awkward, half naked chick needing pancakes, but no one wants to cook moment. So... I ended up grabbing her right breast, gave it a good squeeze (out came a giggle) then I reached across her, grabbed Jimmy's hand and put it on the other. Then I stared Jimmy in the eyes, we had a bro-moment.
I know we both weren't into her sober... So I got up, told her how amazing her breasts and ass are, and dragged jimmy outta there. I ended up driving us back home hammered.
Didn't wanna wake up the next day, with too much of a "I'm a douche" taste in my mouth.
Though driving way drunk probably puts me in that category.
Yes, if a majorly slanted bitch starts churning you for some butter while you're stone sober, you're allowed to let her continue guilt free because, hell, she's straight enough to know what she's doing right?
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We then play Mario Carts and she leaves. So disappointing. i didn't even kick her ass in Mario Carts.
The pluralization makes me giggle.
New Years, 2-3 years ago. Bouncing around to some parties, my best friend Jimmy was sober cabing.(As in, lots o weed, zero alcohol)
We end up at a hotel party. We decided to stay, Jimmy starts putting back shots. There's this girl who was DESPERATE for something. Thing is that she's my friends ex, and I try to have some morals haha. 3am and people are passing out. There's a couple in the other bed, so me, jimmy, and this chick are sharing one. She ends up taking off everything but her panties. I was drunk as fuck and jus praying that she would touch my dick, cuz if you don't make the first move, it's ok I guess haha.
That didn't happen. The bedtime situation turned into an awkward, half naked chick needing pancakes, but no one wants to cook moment. So... I ended up grabbing her right breast, gave it a good squeeze (out came a giggle) then I reached across her, grabbed Jimmy's hand and put it on the other. Then I stared Jimmy in the eyes, we had a bro-moment.
I know we both weren't into her sober... So I got up, told her how amazing her breasts and ass are, and dragged jimmy outta there. I ended up driving us back home hammered.
Didn't wanna wake up the next day, with too much of a "I'm a douche" taste in my mouth.
Though driving way drunk probably puts me in that category.
Yes, if a majorly slanted bitch starts churning you for some butter while you're stone sober, you're allowed to let her continue guilt free because, hell, she's straight enough to know what she's doing right?
you are correct, sir
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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.
tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.
what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?
haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.
Maybe it sucked because I had a condom on and it only got halfway in. Maybe a full anal session soon.
No lube, condom and you're the taker. You're gonna get it bitch!
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I was at a stop light, and this hot chick rolled up next to me. I adjusted my shoulder and put my right hand on the wheel. Turned up the radio slightly, turned my head, and gave the head nod.
The light changed, and she took a left and I was going straight.
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This is probably the best thread ive ever read, thank you slap!
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Valentines Day. This girl comes over and we kick it and watch Cash Cab. She says "I'll be back in a minute," and goes to the bathroom. I stay there on the couch and continue to watch Cash Cab. She comes back in wearing this sexy ass black lingerie complete with a thong. So she walks behind me and starts biting my ear and i continue to watch Cash Cab. She then pushes me over and straddles me while i keep my eyes on the television. She starts biting my lip and kissing me and shit and all the while I'm looking at the tv. She then goes down and starts sucking my dick and licking my balls. She's getting into it and just goes all out. She then puts my dick in her and starts riding. As she's doing this the Cabbie (It's some new chick that looks exactly like the original guy,) asks the question "What tusked animal is only legally allowed to be hunted by Eskimos or Natives of the north?" My chick leans down to kiss me and right as her lips touch mine i say "Walrus." She then sits straight up and exclaims, "Really? You're still paying attention to the damn TV?" to which i reply, "I take Cash Cab very seriously." She then puts her clothes back on and leaves. I lay there with my wiener hanging out until it's over then call her and tell her to come back. She does. Then i smash her to bits.
Is that considered a fail on my part or hers?
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Valentines Day. This girl comes over and we kick it and watch Cash Cab. She says "I'll be back in a minute," and goes to the bathroom. I stay there on the couch and continue to watch Cash Cab. She comes back in wearing this sexy ass black lingerie complete with a thong. So she walks behind me and starts biting my ear and i continue to watch Cash Cab. She then pushes me over and straddles me while i keep my eyes on the television. She starts biting my lip and kissing me and shit and all the while I'm looking at the tv. She then goes down and starts sucking my dick and licking my balls. She's getting into it and just goes all out. She then puts my dick in her and starts riding. As she's doing this the Cabbie (It's some new chick that looks exactly like the original guy,) asks the question "What tusked animal is only legally allowed to be hunted by Eskimos or Natives of the north?" My chick leans down to kiss me and right as her lips touch mine i say "Walrus." She then sits straight up and exclaims, "Really? You're still paying attention to the damn TV?" to which i reply, "I take Cash Cab very seriously." She then puts her clothes back on and leaves. I lay there with my wiener hanging out until it's over then call her and tell her to come back. She does. Then i smash her to bits.
Is that considered a fail on my part or hers?
Post a picture of her and we can discuss
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i agree. and, saucy ragu, we need an update on what happened with that girl who wanted a butt massage
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You got laid, that's not a fucking fail. A bunch of you need to know where to post these stories. There's Sexually Awkward Experiences, Fat Chick Story, First Time, plus others. FAILS ONLY.
i agree. and, saucy ragu, we need an update on what happened with that girl who wanted a butt massage
She's suggested a threesome, haven't met her, she's coming off mad easy and "cootsie wootsie," which I don't jive with. A bit of a chase is more my thing. Not really talking to her much lately but if I stick with it, I won't be posting the rest of the story in here.
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Valentines Day. This girl comes over and we kick it and watch Cash Cab. She says "I'll be back in a minute," and goes to the bathroom. I stay there on the couch and continue to watch Cash Cab. She comes back in wearing this sexy ass black lingerie complete with a thong. So she walks behind me and starts biting my ear and i continue to watch Cash Cab. She then pushes me over and straddles me while i keep my eyes on the television. She starts biting my lip and kissing me and shit and all the while I'm looking at the tv. She then goes down and starts sucking my dick and licking my balls. She's getting into it and just goes all out. She then puts my dick in her and starts riding. As she's doing this the Cabbie (It's some new chick that looks exactly like the original guy,) asks the question "What tusked animal is only legally allowed to be hunted by Eskimos or Natives of the north?" My chick leans down to kiss me and right as her lips touch mine i say "Walrus." She then sits straight up and exclaims, "Really? You're still paying attention to the damn TV?" to which i reply, "I take Cash Cab very seriously." She then puts her clothes back on and leaves. I lay there with my wiener hanging out until it's over then call her and tell her to come back. She does. Then i smash her to bits.
Is that considered a fail on my part or hers?
Post a picture of her and we can discuss
(http://bbw.pornblogsite.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/p09.jpg)
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When some chick is all over your nuts and some dude tries to cock block or swoop in, are you guys over it? Because I'm always over it when that shit happens. I'm not gonna waste my valuable drinking time bullshitting with some chick and now some other dude, when I could be kicking it with my friends. Shit happened to me last night. I'm not gonna listen to Two Heebs and a Bean 20 times in a row on your cell phone outside, thanks but no thanks. And I was the one who brought up NOFX?!
Everyone was like, "Where is that chick you were with?" Oh she's outside with some rocker dude with acne scars. "Was he in Alice in Chains?"
No.
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Valentines Day. This girl comes over and we kick it and watch Cash Cab. She says "I'll be back in a minute," and goes to the bathroom. I stay there on the couch and continue to watch Cash Cab. She comes back in wearing this sexy ass black lingerie complete with a thong. So she walks behind me and starts biting my ear and i continue to watch Cash Cab. She then pushes me over and straddles me while i keep my eyes on the television. She starts biting my lip and kissing me and shit and all the while I'm looking at the tv. She then goes down and starts sucking my dick and licking my balls. She's getting into it and just goes all out. She then puts my dick in her and starts riding. As she's doing this the Cabbie (It's some new chick that looks exactly like the original guy,) asks the question "What tusked animal is only legally allowed to be hunted by Eskimos or Natives of the north?" My chick leans down to kiss me and right as her lips touch mine i say "Walrus." She then sits straight up and exclaims, "Really? You're still paying attention to the damn TV?" to which i reply, "I take Cash Cab very seriously." She then puts her clothes back on and leaves. I lay there with my wiener hanging out until it's over then call her and tell her to come back. She does. Then i smash her to bits.
Is that considered a fail on my part or hers?
Post a picture of her and we can discuss
(http://www.dejavucomedy.com/images/comedians/Ben%20Bailey2.JPG)
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Dude, I love Cash Cab, I don't know why people hate on it.
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This was roughly 6 or 7 years ago, it was about to be my second time, the first time was with the same girl (my gf at the time), but without a condom. So all my friends are with me and my gf, smoking weed and drinking and shit,we were young and we snorted some sleeping pills, so i was super high. One of my friends tells me to take her to the room and gave me a few condoms, which i complied. Next thing we are at the room with the lighst off and making out and i'm fingering her, she tells me to put on the condom so we can fuck, so i confident of what i was doing, pull the condom out, try to put it on and it gets stuck at the end of the head(of my dick) because of the foreskin all folded and shit, and break it (I never had put on a condom before this). So i ask her if we can do it without a condom, she says yes but with one condition "you go on top" remember i was super high so i didn't want to move from my comfortable position.
Yes, i told her to eat shit and blew my chance to fuck her.
I never told anyone this, so it's kind of a weight lifted from my shoulders, i still hate myself tho.
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This was roughly 6 or 7 years ago, it was about to be my second time, the first time was with the same girl (my gf at the time), but without a condom. So all my friends are with me and my gf, smoking weed and drinking and shit,we were young and we snorted some sleeping pills, so i was super high. One of my friends tells me to take her to the room and gave me a few condoms, which i complied. Next thing we are at the room with the lighst off and making out and i'm fingering her, she tells me to put on the condom so we can fuck, so i confident of what i was doing, pull the condom out, try to put it on and it gets stuck at the end of the head(of my dick) because of the foreskin all folded and shit, and break it (I never had put on a condom before this). So i ask her if we can do it without a condom, she says yes but with one condition "you go on top" remember i was super high so i didn't want to move from my comfortable position.
Yes, i told her to eat shit and blew my chance to fuck her.
I never told anyone this, so it's kind of a weight lifted from my shoulders, i still hate myself tho.
seriously? its so much better on top, you can controll every little movement
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After my first long-term relationship fell apart, I started fucking around like mad to get over the broad. Unfortunately, I was heart-broken and would break into a mad sobbing fit of uber-pathetic sadness, usually after blasting my load on a broads chest. Crying in front of a girl naked. Pathetic.
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Some days I don't sleep and run on autopilot. I'm walking down old dorm hall around 4am in a towel after a shower. This sexy African exchange student comes out of the woman's bathroom in a towel and is watching me come down the hall. Her room was right across from the bathroom and I'm wondering what's taking her so long to get in her room. She's giving me the eye as I get closer and I keep walking with a weird look on my face. I may have even looked back as I was walking away. I hate myself on a regular basis for blowing it and I don't know if I'll ever have a chance with a black girl again.
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This was roughly 6 or 7 years ago, it was about to be my second time, the first time was with the same girl (my gf at the time), but without a condom. So all my friends are with me and my gf, smoking weed and drinking and shit,we were young and we snorted some sleeping pills, so i was super high. One of my friends tells me to take her to the room and gave me a few condoms, which i complied. Next thing we are at the room with the lighst off and making out and i'm fingering her, she tells me to put on the condom so we can fuck, so i confident of what i was doing, pull the condom out, try to put it on and it gets stuck at the end of the head(of my dick) because of the foreskin all folded and shit, and break it (I never had put on a condom before this). So i ask her if we can do it without a condom, she says yes but with one condition "you go on top" remember i was super high so i didn't want to move from my comfortable position.
Yes, i told her to eat shit and blew my chance to fuck her.
I never told anyone this, so it's kind of a weight lifted from my shoulders, i still hate myself tho.
wrong thread, this belongs in boring confessions on the valium forum.
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This was roughly 6 or 7 years ago, it was about to be my second time, the first time was with the same girl (my gf at the time), but without a condom. So all my friends are with me and my gf, smoking weed and drinking and shit,we were young and we snorted some sleeping pills, so i was super high. One of my friends tells me to take her to the room and gave me a few condoms, which i complied. Next thing we are at the room with the lighst off and making out and i'm fingering her, she tells me to put on the condom so we can fuck, so i confident of what i was doing, pull the condom out, try to put it on and it gets stuck at the end of the head(of my dick) because of the foreskin all folded and shit, and break it (I never had put on a condom before this). So i ask her if we can do it without a condom, she says yes but with one condition "you go on top" remember i was super high so i didn't want to move from my comfortable position.
Yes, i told her to eat shit and blew my chance to fuck her.
I never told anyone this, so it's kind of a weight lifted from my shoulders, i still hate myself tho.
seriously? its so much better on top, you can controll every little movement
I know, but I was fucked up, I didn't want to lift a finger you know? I suspect she knew this and didn't want to fuck because one of my friends is now her bf and he always tells me how she loves being on top. I just play along even tho I want to punch him in the face.
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So me and the lady decide to go on a little three day road trip over to Hatch NM for their annual Chili Festival. So we check into the hotel before we head over to the festival and you know what the hotel means... Swish. So all day we're going around the festival and everyone's roasting their chilies and handing out samples, and I was going to town. I probably ate a pound of roasted chilies, then lunch was surely smothered in green chilies as well. Dinner, smothered in green chili.
Finally we get back to the hotel and she decides it's bath time. Kinda undresses in front of me, flirts a little, and gets in the bath with the door open. I'm watching TV but slowly my stomach starts churning but quickly progresses into labor pains. She's in the bathroom trying to make small talk with me, trying to get me to go in there but I was in the fetal position doing yoga breathing, sweating like a hog. Finally shit was gonna blow (literally) and I had to run in the bathroom and kick her out of the bath. Seconds later I had a fire hose of chili seeds blowing out my ass with that secondary burn. Needless to say there wasn't anything going down that night in the hotel room.
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Some days I don't sleep and run on autopilot. I'm walking down old dorm hall around 4am in a towel after a shower. This sexy African exchange student comes out of the woman's bathroom in a towel and is watching me come down the hall. Her room was right across from the bathroom and I'm wondering what's taking her so long to get in her room. She's giving me the eye as I get closer and I keep walking with a weird look on my face. I may have even looked back as I was walking away. I hate myself on a regular basis for blowing it and I don't know if I'll ever have a chance with a black girl again.
You fucking moron.
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prison wallet, i knew what to expect of you as soon as i read chili festival and hotel. needless to say, you delivered. i commend you.
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When I was 19 and for the most part still sexually inexperienced, there was a light skinned black chick with huge titties/ass that would always flirt with me. I kissed her once, she bought me a 32oz on my bday, and she would always send me flirty messages when Myspace was still cool.
One weekend there was a party at the house I was living at. My roommate turned 21. I was living on a couch in the garage surrounded by random crap people would normally put in storage. One thing led to another and it was just me and her alone lying down on the couch looking at pictures on my camera. I was too puss to try anything and eventually one of my random homies unintentionally cock blocked by walking in on us and then hanging out.
The next weekend I was invited as a date by one of her "sisters" to "Greek Presents," (she was in a sorority.) The girl I came with was a self-proclaimed lesbian so I had little to no obligation to stay with her all night. Three more of my friends came as dates too. I pre-gamed with one of them by drinking a 40oz before they picked us up.
When we got there some random hero was handing out 21+ wristbands to anyone willing to ask for one. I had another beer, took another shot, and someone bought me a Long Island. There I was, drunk as fuck, having the time of my life, watching fine-ass sorority girls perform dance routines in skimpy dresses. The formalities stop and shit turns into a full fledged dance party. I'm tryna get freaky with anyone and everyone out there, and then I see her.
She has a skimpy dress with her tits halfway out already. I could see the line at the edge where the nipple meets the skin, but try not to stare. She hands her camera to one of my three friends with us and motions for him to take a picture of me and her. A light bulb lit up in my head and I somehow came up with the idea to lightly tug on her dress, light enough where she wouldn't notice, yet strong enough where her nipple would show up producing the greatest picture I'd ever been involved in.
Shit didn't go as smooth as I pictured in my head. I told my friend to take the picture on 3. 1...2...3...SWOOP! In my drunken state I managed to yank the fuck out of her dress, exposing her entire right titty, and then immediately bounced towards the dance floor like it was no biggie. I found out a few days later I actually ripped the strap.
After maybe 20 seconds of wandering around in a crowd, one of our mutual friends walks up to me and asks "What the fuck did you do?!" She freaked out about it and was crying all emotional like. I immediately realized what a dumb shit I was and sobered up pretty quick once half her sorority had me cornered in the foyer while one of them cussed me out and made threats on my life. Some pissed off frat dude told me to "just leave" so my friends escorted me out bodyguard style.
I felt really bad about it and apologized to her at school in front of two of her sisters. She started crying which made me shed a tear or so, and she said if I was really sorry I would have to apologize to her in front of her entire Sorority. The next weekend I tried to do it, but the prez decided to be a bitch and made me come back next weekend. Came back, gave the most awkward apology in front of dozens of pissed off bitches, then they accepted and let me know that some of them were selling weed brownies as a fundraiser. I've never gotten even close to scoring with a black chick since then...fucking college.
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My first year in college I was a party when I noticed a few girls ganging up on another one calling her a slut. I kind of wondered over to involve myself in the festivities. I noticed that the girl was drunker that shit, and close to tears. The girl that was being called "slut" kind of turned away from the other girls into my direction and weeped, "I'm not a slut, I'm a virgin" to which I quickly replied "have you ever sucked dick before?" She claimed she hadn't, so I politly asked her if you would like to go outside and give it a "whirl". She agreed.
We went out the back door and found a nice Chevy s-10 and got comfy in the back. She started mauling my penis like it was a piece of birthday cake. It hurt very badly. There was a frat house next door and I heard some guy tell his friend to look at that dog in the back of the truck, when he corrected him and said "no dude, thats a guy getting head". Moments later there were 10-15 frat guys standing behind the truck posing for pictures behind me getting my dick chewed on like a piece of steak fat. They let me go and I tried to finish my business. I couldnt, it was too painful. I got up and nicely told her I couldnt continue and showed myself out. She started crying and said "but I just want you to like me"
I went back in the house with a Megaboner and balls blue as a July afternoon.
Weeks later, a friend of mine call and said he was at a party and seen a picture of me getting head on a dartboard. i showed up as fast as I could to try and obtain said picture. The frat guy who took the picture wouldnt let me have it, so I left. what kind of guy wants a picture of another guy getting some lettuce? A fucking frat guy.
Also, the same night of the origanal head night, the party got broken up and I found this girl I kicked it with a few times to give me a ride home. I knew she had a boyfriend back wherever she was from so I wasn't too forward. But she was. She parked at my dorm and said "wait here" and went to the trunk. She came back with a small photo album full of nudes of her in every possible position. she asked me if I liked what I saw, and answered by showing my erect penis through my pants. She goes "oooohhh' and started rubbing on it. Shortly after that she pulled it out and started giving me an old fashion. After already having blue balls from an hour before, I let her go on, despite the pain it caused. It wasn't long before she stopped and said "I can't continue to lead you on" and asked me to get out of the car.
And when I went up to my dorm room, I think it was the first time I cried while masturbating. Certainly, it wasnt the last.
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I just put a slap sticker on my board and wept from pride. This years poster of the month wall is covered in Steve Buscemi.
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"I'm not a slut, I'm a virgin" to which I quickly replied "have you ever sucked dick before?"
Oh, what would I give for reflexes like that.
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Traces of Rawb, Macklin, and Bipsmound lyrical sweetness in that post. Thank you for turning this thread back onto the right course.
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StabMaster squares up, shoots, bounces off rim. The crowd still cheers though.
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When I was 19 and for the most part still sexually inexperienced, there was a light skinned black chick with huge titties/ass that would always flirt with me. I kissed her once, she bought me a 32oz on my bday, and she would always send me flirty messages when Myspace was still cool.
One weekend there was a party at the house I was living at. My roommate turned 21. I was living on a couch in the garage surrounded by random crap people would normally put in storage. One thing led to another and it was just me and her alone lying down on the couch looking at pictures on my camera. I was too puss to try anything and eventually one of my random homies unintentionally cock blocked by walking in on us and then hanging out.
The next weekend I was invited as a date by one of her "sisters" to "Greek Presents," (she was in a sorority.) The girl I came with was a self-proclaimed lesbian so I had little to no obligation to stay with her all night. Three more of my friends came as dates too. I pre-gamed with one of them by drinking a 40oz before they picked us up.
When we got there some random hero was handing out 21+ wristbands to anyone willing to ask for one. I had another beer, took another shot, and someone bought me a Long Island. There I was, drunk as fuck, having the time of my life, watching fine-ass sorority girls perform dance routines in skimpy dresses. The formalities stop and shit turns into a full fledged dance party. I'm tryna get freaky with anyone and everyone out there, and then I see her.
She has a skimpy dress with her tits halfway out already. I could see the line at the edge where the nipple meets the skin, but try not to stare. She hands her camera to one of my three friends with us and motions for him to take a picture of me and her. A light bulb lit up in my head and I somehow came up with the idea to lightly tug on her dress, light enough where she wouldn't notice, yet strong enough where her nipple would show up producing the greatest picture I'd ever been involved in.
Shit didn't go as smooth as I pictured in my head. I told my friend to take the picture on 3. 1...2...3...SWOOP! In my drunken state I managed to yank the fuck out of her dress, exposing her entire right titty, and then immediately bounced towards the dance floor like it was no biggie. I found out a few days later I actually ripped the strap.
After maybe 20 seconds of wandering around in a crowd, one of our mutual friends walks up to me and asks "What the fuck did you do?!" She freaked out about it and was crying all emotional like. I immediately realized what a dumb shit I was and sobered up pretty quick once half her sorority had me cornered in the foyer while one of them cussed me out and made threats on my life. Some pissed off frat dude told me to "just leave" so my friends escorted me out bodyguard style.
I felt really bad about it and apologized to her at school in front of two of her sisters. She started crying which made me shed a tear or so, and she said if I was really sorry I would have to apologize to her in front of her entire Sorority. The next weekend I tried to do it, but the prez decided to be a bitch and made me come back next weekend. Came back, gave the most awkward apology in front of dozens of pissed off bitches, then they accepted and let me know that some of them were selling weed brownies as a fundraiser. I've never gotten even close to scoring with a black chick since then...fucking college.
i've read this post somewhere before
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I think I might have told a shortened version of it in some other thread a couple years ago. Seemed appropriate to bring it back for this thread. I've had a lot of pathetic and failed attempts @ sexual relations, but the worst ones I'm definitely not posting.
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you also conveniently left out the part about you trying to join a frat, which u were rightfully chastised for last tim?
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If he didn't get in it's like a failed attempt at inevitable homosex, I guess.
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you also conveniently left out the part about you trying to join a frat, which u were rightfully chastised for last tim?
Broooooo, Tri Lambdas were so bummed off me after that, couldn't get in.
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mRG2oAQhso&feature=related#)
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I ran into this girl i had a crush on in grade school, (that would never date me) on sunday night. Needless to say, the tables have turned. She is fat, I have remained the same.
She basically saw me, was like I'm comin' hoem with you tonight, I barfed in my mouth. Got drunk as fuck, and watched some weird dude take her home.
I was absolultly compeltly ok with this. Quality over quanitity.
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I ran into this girl i had a crush on in grade school, (that would never date me) on sunday night. Needless to say, the tables have turned. She is fat, I have remained the same.
She basically saw me, was like I'm comin' hoem with you tonight, I barfed in my mouth. Got drunk as fuck, and watched some weird dude take her home.
I was absolultly compeltly ok with this. Quality over quanitity.
its always nice when you run into some chick that wouldn't give you the time of day and the shoe is on the other foot.
i ran into some chick i liked in HS at the airport once. i was on a business trip so i was all GQ'ed out, suit, tie, the whole kit. she ran up on me all excited yelling and shit. she started asking me about how i was and what i had been up to which my reply was, "i've been good, great to see you, i'll call you" and walked away without even looking back. it felt so good to blow that bitch off, fuck that ho!
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A few years back, during one of my first experiences with alcohol at my friend's house while his parents were gone... we ended up having two girls over, which were my friends that I was introducing to him. We all start drinking, and at some point in time we all ended up separating, my friend with the hot chick that I had a crush on and left me sitting with the uglier one, accidentally calling her Mikayla when her name was nothing of the sort, but actually Kayla.
At one point during the alcohol fueled night, I suggested that we explore his parents house, and off we went up the stairs and into the wild blue yonder. We ended up in his parents' pitch black room, where I bumped into something and ended up on the bed. I recall asking her "Where are you" and she responded "right here" to which I stood up, grabbed her and ended up getting her on the bed next to me. We're making out and shit, at this point not caring that this is the ugly friend, not the cute one I had a thing for. Since we were making out, I decided to pull the 'slide hand up her shirt and cop a feel of the boobies before taking the shirt off' move. She promptly stopped my hand's movement at the under-boob area and forced it's retreat, and abruptly stopped making out with me. Being really drunk, I didn't care about how awkward this situation should've been.
I sat up and asked "Not feelin' it?" To which she mumbled something, and I then asked if she wanted to go downstairs and play Super Smash Bros on N64. We did, and I whooped her ass.
Meanwhile, my friend got head from her friend, and later on after I assumed they had all passed out, I got on Slap and posted drunk.
I do believe that the bitch that denied me is now a lesbian, oops.
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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
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hopefully this story makes some sense because i'm all hopped up on goofballs (cough medicine). almost a year to the day i was in this hell called barcelona. before i left a friend of mine told me about how she had this friend who was currently living there and how i should add her to facebook and meet up with her for a drink. so i just go for it, skipped the pokes and everytang and added that lady up.
get to barca, a week passes by and she finally accepts the request. we start chatting a bit and i tell her to wander over to where i'm staying for a few drinks. she agrees and arrives an hour later. i open the door and she's a lot prettier in person then her pictures, by a lot. she also smelled nice and let's be honest that's a deal sealer. the only thing was she brought her room mate along with... who was easily pushing 250-300 pounds of good times.
so we settle, have some drinks and dancer sticks when my room mates start attacking her behemoth pal and things get awkward very quickly. realizing my chance of smooching this lady was minimizing quickly i ask them if they would like to go to their place and finish a bottle of whiskey with me. we wander away and listen to music and drink at their apartment.
the behemoth finally leaves and i have time to finally make a move. i instantly grab the pretty lady to get my make out did which was soon to be interrupted by the foot steps of the returning beast. i had a taste of pretty lady and wanted moar. i quickly came up with the game plan of poker. showed them how to play and told them they would have to take off an article of clothing with each losing hand. the plan, as carried out properly, was to cheat and get the room mate naked first hoping she'd get uncomfy and leave me and soon to be naked pretty lady to be. it was the exact opposite. she is now naked in a room of clothed people and loving it.
the pretty lady joins in and i follow suit. i'm now dancing, drinking, smoking in the nude at some strangers home in spain. my fun came to an abrupt stop when there was a flash of a camera and realized i was being photographed. "don't worry about it, i'm an artist" behemoth told me. so somewhere there's a picture of me dancing with a bottle of whiskey while smoking a cigarette air with my spear of destiny just rocking out in the wind. ANYWAY, she leaves back to the bathroom and i get another chance. we jump at the opportunity, literally, and get right to it on the futon. things are getting pretty intense and then the familiar flash of the camera happens again. she's back. and now taking photos of me and pretty lady going at it.
it took a few minutes for the buzz to wear off to realize how bizarre the situation actually was. i put on my clothes, cleaned up, and politely said my goodbyes. i leave their apartment and try to go through the front door of this dark building when the front door is locked. apparently there's an auto lock on the door past midnight. i am now locked inside a building, in the dark, and can't remember which floor they were on.
i start knocking on random doors, in hopes one of them would be them. a lot of people would answer and yell something about policia out their doors at me. trying to reason with them in english wasn't very useful so i scrambled to find their door. 15 minutes later i finally find it, explain my situation, and get out. the problem then was i had no idea where the fuck i was. getting directions back to macba wasn't any help either seeing how i knew no spanish. so i wandered around for 2 hours with blue balls and worries about dick pix until i finally found my apartment.
i'd do it all again in a second.
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i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
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i think i talked to a dozen people there who could speak english, if that. mostly store owners or other skateboarders. no one else had a clue what i was saying.
call what you want but whenever i see your username i think it says staind and it makes me lawl. here's a gnar.
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i dont know if its cuz we look 'merican and people do it on purpose, but way less people spoke english than i expected
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i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
I live in Spain, recently moved in from Venezuela, which is basically a bilinguist speaking country, around here no one, and i mean no one, can talk proper english.
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next time you go to barcelona, take rawbertson with you... just make sure there are ladies around; while they may not speak english, they speak the language of love, which happens to be rawbs native language
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in barca it's pretty easy to to get laid without spending money, in fact I made a girl pay ?20 to pay a room for me in the hostel, otherwise i couldn't get in.
That's the opposite of this thread so here's another story.
I had a virgin girl, blabla month later blabla, let's fuck, couldn't get it in blabla started crying bla pain blabla, scared of penis, now lesbian.
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YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5Yu7rokkJw#)
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(http://i55.tinypic.com/aysfew.png)
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i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
Do you live in malaga?
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i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
yeah i imagine people there are always stoked to have a chat when drunk foreigners knock on their doors in the middle of the night.
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leave staind alone everyone!
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i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
Do you live in malaga?
Nope, I live in the islands, the Canary Islands for that matter.
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i call bullshit. every person in spain speaks perfect english and is really happy when you try to engage an english conversation.
Do you live in malaga?
Serious?
My parents are selling up and moving to Fuerteventura, which Island do you live on?
...Should be hitting it up sometime soon.
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I live in Las Palmas, never been to Fuerteventura though, i heard there are some sick spots. Las Palmas has some sick parks but not too many spots.
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I live in Las Palmas, never been to Fuerteventura though, i heard there are some sick spots. Las Palmas has some sick parks but not too many spots.
Love Venezuela dude, the women, the hottest women ever!
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If you're going to clog this thread with your stupid tales of where you live, at least provide an interesting failure at sex in said location.
HS junior year. I had recently broken up with my second serious girlfriend after 6-7 months, and we never had sex. That could probably be a failed attempt as a whole, but I was really into her and wasn't trying to push shit (I had already blown it hard with the first serious gf). So I break it off and she's bummed, I was over it but not apparently as over it as I thought. So I attend a hotel party for this one girl's birthday a few weeks later. I had met her only once before and actually going to the party felt awkward on it's own.
Anyway, I get there and they're all getting smashed or high off illegal substances. I was a tad late. I was a clean guy back in the high school days so I didn't fucks with that kind of stuff. But I was also oblivious to drunk girls who are very "hands-on", if you catch my drift. Right? Well about five minutes in she was grabbing my disco stick. In the middle of the room with twenty or so of her smashed friends around. So a combination of laughter, OHHHHHHHHHH, and "WHIP THAT SHIT OUT BRO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL WANTS A BIRTHDAY SHOWER" emanated from the crowd. I've gone maybe a year without a girl going into my bramble patch, so I'm stoked as fuck but incredibly embarrassed, trying to figure out how we could fuck without two dozen onlookers. A drunken whisper floats into my ear from my penis captor, "I have to go to the bathroom." The bathroommmm. So I whisk my lovely away into the bathroom and lock that fucking door. I drop my pants facing the door and as I turn around to give her the old heave-ho, a blast of puke pummels my now exposed under carriage. I wish I could fight through such an experience and take her to the bone zone (a-la Watson), but I was now about to return her favor. Luckily I scuttle to the sink in time to paint the off-white sink a greenish-orange color. Things seem to have gone south, so I let this girl pass out under the sink as I grab the shower head and rid myself of another's puke. I did a terrible job, but I wanted to get the fuck out. I spray her in the face to wake her up just long enough to tell her I'd love to try again sometime. I'm 17, I'll still smush the girl who vomited on my junk.
Anyway, I excuse myself from the party and venture home. I finally arrive and an actual shower is certainly needed. Moments before I turn the faucet on, my phone rings. It's the ex-girlfriend I never got to sleep with. "I'm outside. Please can we talk?" FUCK. Emptying my can of AXE body spray, I open the front door, nervous as to what she could possibly want. Not a second passes after the door opens that she's in my arms, passionately kissing my neck while trying to say, "Will you stay with me if we make love? I'm ready." The horrific state of my manhood vanished from my mind as I graciously agree and we take our positions on the bed to make some sex. Things run smoothly. Up until she also grabs my disco stick and I remember now that another girl had touched my disco stick that day. I halt everything at once and try to remove myself from the situation. She eagerly fights back, and by the cold hand of fate, or the fact that she must have learned the Vulcan death grip, manages to get my pants off, the boxers being nice enough to follow suit. I can't very well scuttle all that fast, so she manages to get her face close enough and she catches the wave of puke smell that had once been blocked by clothes. She backs away, looks at me, and starts to cry as she yells at me asking what I've done. Unsure of if I was caught or not, I plead random cases of innocence, but she keeps crying so I stop and sit down. She gathers her things and rushes out, and I'm left sitting on my bed, the smell of vomit wafting into my nose. A fine punishment for not boning two girls in one day.
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i salute you, fine sir.
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kudos, that WAS pathetic.
and awesome. haha.
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lose in life = win on slap
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wow, two massive failures in one day - that sucks. at least the first one was completley her fault
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dudes we need more stories! shit is hilarious. I got one too:
about 3 years ago i was at a party with this girl i had been seeing a couple of times, we were both getting pretty drunk so the girl wanted to give me a bj outside. So we get out of the party and go to this alley near the partyplace so no one would disturb. Well things worked fine and i was getting it for a while.
The girl and i lived in different cities like an hour away from the party place, so suddenly the girl freaks and says she's gotta go and catch the final bus home. I was like wtf you can't go now, but couldnt convince her to stay and the girl left
so there i was at a dark alley with a huge boner...alone...fuck
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Naturally, you finished the job yourself, right?
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Naturally, you finished the job yourself, right?
or more likley paid a hobo a dollar to do it
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For a while in my old house, we had a couple of strippers living with us. One slept on the couch, and one slept on my roommates cock. They would get off work at 4am and usually still be up at 6 when I went to work. The kept the fridge stocked, other girls comming and going, and if you've ever had a relationship that didnt involve putting money into their g-strings, you'd know that strippers always have the best drugs. So it worked out for a bit. The one that usually slept on the couch started to take a liking to me, she was laying it on rather thick one night, so I decided to give her my best. I was drunk as piss, and probably smelled a bunch of cocaine that night. I lasted forever, I felt like a champ. But then when lasting a while quickly becomes "hurry up and finish", and the shit you put in your body won't let you, it gets bad. So like anybody else, I went to my finishing move. In the standard missionary position, I grabbed her ass and pulled while I pushed forward. Beating it up so bad, I suprised I didn't break her pelvis. That wasn't working too well, but while my hand was back there, I slipped my middle finger in her ass. She yelpped. Almost like a dog does when you accidently step on its foot. She pushed me off and punched me right in the gut. Out of disgust, she yells at me "just because I'm a stripper, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want with me?" So close to finishing, but my night was over, I didn't think that boner would ever die, and the coke wouldnt let me sleep. She just rolled over and called it a night. I thought it was over by then, until she woke me up in the morning rubbing my cock. I wasn't sure if she had forgot that I went for her "cum button", but we ending up banging it out in the morning.
Things got weird after that and it was never the same, I let her crawl in bed with me a few times when she got off work at 4 am, but just became too much. The breaking point was one day I got home and seen one putting her weave on in the living room. What kind of striper gets mad and a finger in the butt? Does it take away from the small amount of dignity they have left?
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For a while in my old house, we had a couple of strippers living with us. One slept on the couch, and one slept on my roommates cock. They would get off work at 4am and usually still be up at 6 when I went to work. The kept the fridge stocked, other girls comming and going, and if you've ever had a relationship that didnt involve putting money into their g-strings, you'd know that strippers always have the best drugs. So it worked out for a bit. The one that usually slept on the couch started to take a liking to me, she was laying it on rather thick one night, so I decided to give her my best. I was drunk as piss, and probably smelled a bunch of cocaine that night. I lasted forever, I felt like a champ. But then when lasting a while quickly becomes "hurry up and finish", and the shit you put in your body won't let you, it gets bad. So like anybody else, I went to my finishing move. In the standard missionary position, I grabbed her ass and pulled while I pushed forward. Beating it up so bad, I suprised I didn't break her pelvis. That wasn't working too well, but while my hand was back there, I slipped my middle finger in her ass. She yelpped. Almost like a dog does when you accidently step on its foot. She pushed me off and punched me right in the gut. Out of disgust, she yells at me "just because I'm a stripper, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want with me?" So close to finishing, but my night was over, I didn't think that boner would ever die, and the coke wouldnt let me sleep. She just rolled over and called it a night. I thought it was over by then, until she woke me up in the morning rubbing my cock. I wasn't sure if she had forgot that I went for her "cum button", but we ending up banging it out in the morning.
Things got weird after that and it was never the same, I let her crawl in bed with me a few times when she got off work at 4 am, but just became too much. The breaking point was one day I got home and seen one putting her weave on in the living room. What kind of striper gets mad and a finger in the butt? Does it take away from the small amount of dignity they have left?
Oscar Wilde upon rapid fire reaction, once told a woman who had told him he was disgraceful to have been drunk in public:
"I may be drunk, but you shall still be ugly in the morning, whilst I shall be sober" (Paraphrase)
On a slightly less inspired note; I may be drunk, but you sir, shall still be heroic in the morning.
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doesnt sound like much of a failure to me, nor does it sound pathetic. im not sure if i should be hyped on the sickness of the story or disappointed that it did not meet the thread criteria.
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Naturally, you finished the job yourself, right?
or more likley paid a hobo a dollar to do it
Naturally i did! and got back to the party to get wasted.
haha i knew that someone would say something like that, but the place wasnt really that bad.......for wanking behind a dumpster hahaha
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The only time I decided to full on go for the finger in the bum, I asked politely as I lightly rimmed the hole, "Is it okay if I...?" and she put a finger to my lips and said, "Shh." Bingo, bitch. I put a ginger finger in her butt, then another, and it was incredulous. We fucked that night twice while wathing Elf three times, but the next time I came over, we made out, I ate her out like a drunken McDonald's order, and I got nothing in return. Not even a a light finger stroke. I went hard on that girl for an hour or so, made multiple convulsions erupt under her thin sheath, and wasn't neared upon in the slightest. Fucking cunt.
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For a while in my old house, we had a couple of strippers living with us. One slept on the couch, and one slept on my roommates cock. They would get off work at 4am and usually still be up at 6 when I went to work. The kept the fridge stocked, other girls comming and going, and if you've ever had a relationship that didnt involve putting money into their g-strings, you'd know that strippers always have the best drugs. So it worked out for a bit. The one that usually slept on the couch started to take a liking to me, she was laying it on rather thick one night, so I decided to give her my best. I was drunk as piss, and probably smelled a bunch of cocaine that night. I lasted forever, I felt like a champ. But then when lasting a while quickly becomes "hurry up and finish", and the shit you put in your body won't let you, it gets bad. So like anybody else, I went to my finishing move. In the standard missionary position, I grabbed her ass and pulled while I pushed forward. Beating it up so bad, I suprised I didn't break her pelvis. That wasn't working too well, but while my hand was back there, I slipped my middle finger in her ass. She yelpped. Almost like a dog does when you accidently step on its foot. She pushed me off and punched me right in the gut. Out of disgust, she yells at me "just because I'm a stripper, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want with me?" So close to finishing, but my night was over, I didn't think that boner would ever die, and the coke wouldnt let me sleep. She just rolled over and called it a night. I thought it was over by then, until she woke me up in the morning rubbing my cock. I wasn't sure if she had forgot that I went for her "cum button", but we ending up banging it out in the morning.
Things got weird after that and it was never the same, I let her crawl in bed with me a few times when she got off work at 4 am, but just became too much. The breaking point was one day I got home and seen one putting her weave on in the living room. What kind of striper gets mad and a finger in the butt? Does it take away from the small amount of dignity they have left?
Oscar Wilde Winston Churchill upon rapid fire reaction, once told a woman who had told him he was disgraceful to have been drunk in public:
"I may be drunk, but you shall still be ugly in the morning, whilst I shall be sober" (Paraphrase)
On a slightly less inspired note; I may be drunk, but you sir, shall still be heroic in the morning.
:-*
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For a while in my old house, we had a couple of strippers living with us. One slept on the couch, and one slept on my roommates cock. They would get off work at 4am and usually still be up at 6 when I went to work. The kept the fridge stocked, other girls comming and going, and if you've ever had a relationship that didnt involve putting money into their g-strings, you'd know that strippers always have the best drugs. So it worked out for a bit. The one that usually slept on the couch started to take a liking to me, she was laying it on rather thick one night, so I decided to give her my best. I was drunk as piss, and probably smelled a bunch of cocaine that night. I lasted forever, I felt like a champ. But then when lasting a while quickly becomes "hurry up and finish", and the shit you put in your body won't let you, it gets bad. So like anybody else, I went to my finishing move. In the standard missionary position, I grabbed her ass and pulled while I pushed forward. Beating it up so bad, I suprised I didn't break her pelvis. That wasn't working too well, but while my hand was back there, I slipped my middle finger in her ass. She yelpped. Almost like a dog does when you accidently step on its foot. She pushed me off and punched me right in the gut. Out of disgust, she yells at me "just because I'm a stripper, you think you can do whatever the fuck you want with me?" So close to finishing, but my night was over, I didn't think that boner would ever die, and the coke wouldnt let me sleep. She just rolled over and called it a night. I thought it was over by then, until she woke me up in the morning rubbing my cock. I wasn't sure if she had forgot that I went for her "cum button", but we ending up banging it out in the morning.
Things got weird after that and it was never the same, I let her crawl in bed with me a few times when she got off work at 4 am, but just became too much. The breaking point was one day I got home and seen one putting her weave on in the living room. What kind of striper gets mad and a finger in the butt? Does it take away from the small amount of dignity they have left?
Oscar Wilde Winston Churchill upon rapid fire reaction, once told a woman who had told him he was disgraceful to have been drunk in public:
"I may be drunk, but you shall still be ugly in the morning, whilst I shall be sober" (Paraphrase)
On a slightly less inspired note; I may be drunk, but you sir, shall still be heroic in the morning.
Fuck that
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As a joke, I decided to pretend to want to get up into my my gals butthole whilst fornicating, and the joke kind of stuck. I think I mention her butthole every time we boink. Anyways, one night we were drunk and fucking out in my homies front yard and we got gnarly into it. She told me "You can go in behind if you want." And I don't know about you, but an invitation to pound it in the hind quarters doesn't happen every day, so I decided to go for it. She was wet and ready, so I didn't think getting in there would be a challenge. I slipped halfway in, and she "yelped like a dog," fell to her knees, and started balling. And that was that. She went home crying, and left me outside of my friends house with no ride home. I stayed the night. He has hella cats.
Allergic to cats.
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damn that stinks.
That's kind of crazy, I was traipsing for six week in Euro last summer too. Jet lag both ways was horrible.
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damn that stinks.
huehuehuhueheuheueheuheuheue
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please tell me that she was wiping your manjuice out of her face while she was lecturing you.
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please tell me that she was wiping your manjuice out of her face while she was lecturing you.
"aight baby, i?ll respect you as a person and as woman.
wait, you?ve still got cum in your eyebrows.
there you go, you confident and respected being."
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please tell me that she was wiping your manjuice out of her face while she was lecturing you.
"aight baby, i?ll respect you as a person and as woman.
wait, you?ve still got cum in your eyebrows.
there you go, you confident and respected being."
pure gold
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^^^hahaha
as for my own contribution to the thread, all I'll say is having a dog blasting pungent farts next to the bed while boning can stop almost any woman from achieving orgasm. I now have to remember to kick the puppy out beforehand when it's time to get buck.
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Okay. Not so pathetic.
There was a rager at my homie Ryan's casa and one of my best lady friends from high school was there. Ive known this girl for about 8 years. I'm sure you know the girl, the one that shares your interests and you can shoot the shit with her for a while with no sexual tension. Just one of those girls.
So i'm getting hammered and smoking on some weeds and then decide to go in the warm tub (not quite a hot tub because it was in the process of warming up, I was drunk so it didn't matter). She comes out while i'm chilling in there and keeps asking me to get out because she wants to show me something. I said I was enjoying myself and I said to time it on your phone for 5 minutes. So she does and I throw my clothing on, not really sure what's about to happen. We head out through the side gate and head into my car, which is parked in the driveway. About 2 minutes of awkward conversation, I get the unmistakable look of "I really want to make out". So I ask her, "We are gonna make out, arent we?" She replies "yep" and then we go at it. Making out for about 5 minutes I decide to drive around the corner for a little more privacy. I park then she starts rubbing my dong and starts bossing me up. I'm thinking "Alright! a blow-job!" so I start suckling her bosom and fingering her. She comes up and says...
"ive been waiting so long for this"
this being the phrase that snapped me out of my drunken stupor and clarity came back to me. I realized she had a boyfriend. She was still persistent and was begging me to fuck her in the back seat. I refused but she still wanted my man meat. So after bossing me up a little more but i had to pull the plug. I know what its like to get cheated on and I don't want anyone to go through that. So we drive back to the house and go back in where everyone seems to know that something just went down. So after that we go back outside and got into her car but she still wouldnt refuse but i had to put my foot down, after about 10 minutes of talking she told me to get the fuck out and she left, with one of my comic books. She texted me the next morning and said she didnt regret what happened but felt awful. I said dont worry about it, im certainly not.
Like i said, not that pathetic but im glad i have a conscience.
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no farts? no butthole fingering? no genital warts?
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I envy you. I clearly have no conscience because the girl I was fucking at the end of the summer and kind of recently actually has had the same boyfriend forever. The way I look at it, I'm the one giving her what he couldn't. It's sleazy, I know, but I'm not seeing much other action so my loneliness makes me want to do it.
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i think that no girl or guy should be completely tied down before the age of like, 23 or so, and so i can understand a girl having to go out and get some other dick, just to see what else is out there, you know, and i totally rationalize with myself that its ok to fuck her.......unless its a homies girl, even if its an ex of his, i wouldn't fuck around like that, because i would feel guilty for sure, but also i don't trust that word wouldn't get out anyway, then i really look like a schmuck to him
but its hard, because obviously i would never be down with a girl of mine fuckin another dude just because she is still "young" or whatever...........but i also really haven't had any interest in having a girlfriend in quite a few years now, an interest in fucking, sure, thats a different story, but i'm not interested in any involvement really, cause that shit is like a second job, can't do your own thing, i just can't entertain a girl full time
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Conscience or no conscience, if a girl has a boyfriend (and he isn't your friend0 and she's intent on fucking you, do it. If you tell her no, odd's are she'll just pick another dude to do the deed. Most girls make up a decision that they're gonna go get it. As for pathetic/failed attempts, the bar has been set too high now.
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Conscience or no conscience, if a girl has a boyfriend (and he isn't your friend0 and she's intent on fucking you, do it. If you tell her no, odd's are she'll just pick another dude to do the deed. Most girls make up a decision that they're gonna go get it. As for pathetic/failed attempts, the bar has been set too high now.
if i was in that situation id just stop as soon as i realised whats going on then tell my mate (her bf) what she tried to do, that way he doesnt get cheated on but he knows his bitch is a cheating ho not worth his time
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Conscience or no conscience, if a girl has a boyfriend (and he isn't your friend0 and she's intent on fucking you, do it. If you tell her no, odd's are she'll just pick another dude to do the deed. Most girls make up a decision that they're gonna go get it. As for pathetic/failed attempts, the bar has been set too high now.
if i was in that situation id just stop as soon as i realised whats going on then tell my mate (her bf) what she tried to do, that way he doesnt get cheated on but he knows his bitch is a cheating ho not worth his time
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nothing great but i couldn't get it up in my dream the other day.
i think that might be the first time i failed in a dream.
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Or more commonly refered to as "nightmares"
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One night I was chatting online with this older, laregely unattractive asian girl I went to high school with. She was maybe a 4 or 5. I'm easily bored with conversation so I started pushing the dialogue into perverted places. Long story short this girl invites me to her place which is about 45 minutes away, and out of sheer boredom and loneliness ( I had recently broken up with my ex of a few years) I obliged to make the trip.
I arrive at her apartment after deciphering her confusing directions, which was a complete downer/turn off in and of itself, and scaled the stairs to enter her cat urine scented living quarters. Strike one. She had become a cat lady. We exchanged greetings and long time no sees. She immediately turned to procure a bottle of rum from the cabinet at which point I noticed she no longer had the enormous bubble butt I had always fancied. Strike two. The rum was all fine and dandy until her incessant banter lead me to drink myself into complete oblivion. The second she realized I wasn't listening (probably wasn't even coherent) and had consumed three fourths of the handle, she jumped on my lap and delved her tounge deep into the depths of my throat. I halfway came out of my stupor enough to push her head towards my groin. She ripped my pants off with enthusiasm and immediately began sucking my half mass johnson. I wasn't feeling it all that much until she looked up into my eyes with my cock in her mouth, which brought me to full attention. At that moment she swiftly removed her panties and literally made an arial leap onto my dick and subsequently, while bouncing on it, released a series of high pitched screeches and wails. Not sexy screeches and wails, but painful, terrifying, murderous screeches and wails. Seriously, so loud I must have gone into fight or flight mode. I felt like the guy who fucked a monkey and invented AIDS. I was boneing a primate. Strike three. I leaned my head on the back of the couch and turned it away to avoid being deafened by the caucophony of jungle howls, and within seconds I came inside of her. I don't know if I did it out of fear, or just wanting to wash my hands of the incident, but never the less I immediately realized I could have just impregnated this wild creature. She dismounted and I stumbled off to wash my junk in her bathroom sink. Everything smelled like cat piss. I hit my head on the medicine cabinet, and in my drunken delirium, was forced to hold back a bubbling cauldron of vomit.
Upon returning to the living room I saw that she had folded the couch out into a futon style bed and was laying on her side, already half asleep. I hesitantly layed down on my back beside her. She rolled over and whispered in my ear: " If you feel like it later, I want you to fuck me from behind with that big cock. Its bigger than anything im used to..."
She rolled over and went to sleep. Half of me wanted to wake her up and just hate fuck the shit out of her from behind, but at that point I was too drunk to do anything of the sort. I ended up beating off on her leather computer chair and driving the 45 minutes home completely shithoused just to avoid seeing her in the morning. Luckily I didn't fertilize her eggs.
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sorry, this thread is for people who don't bust a nut. Good story though.
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if it just comes down to busting a nut, id say around the last 5 times ive had sex i havent been able to bust... and i think i know why. at first i thought it felt like my dick is was losing sensitivity or some shit, but after a while i figured out that it was because my girls vagina gets extremely wet. its like the harder you fuck, the easier it should be to bust, right? not with this girl, the harder you fuck, the less you can feel anything. imagine putting your dick in a glass of warm water with nothing for friction
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if it just comes down to busting a nut, id say around the last 5 times ive had sex i havent been able to bust... and i think i know why. at first i thought it felt like my dick is was losing sensitivity or some shit, but after a while i figured out that it was because my girls vagina gets extremely wet. its like the harder you fuck, the easier it should be to bust, right? not with this girl, the harder you fuck, the less you can feel anything. imagine putting your dick in a glass of warm water with nothing for friction
sounds more like you got a small cock, haha!
if shes that wet, just pull out, use her shirt to wipe the pussy juice off your cock and go back in.
that or hit the backdoor.
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if it just comes down to busting a nut, id say around the last 5 times ive had sex i havent been able to bust... and i think i know why. at first i thought it felt like my dick is was losing sensitivity or some shit, but after a while i figured out that it was because my girls vagina gets extremely wet. its like the harder you fuck, the easier it should be to bust, right? not with this girl, the harder you fuck, the less you can feel anything. imagine putting your dick in a glass of warm water with nothing for friction
sounds more like you got a small cock, haha!
if shes that wet, just pull out, use her shirt to wipe the pussy juice off your cock and go back in.
that or hit the backdoor.
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if it just comes down to busting a nut, id say around the last 5 times ive had sex i havent been able to bust... and i think i know why. at first i thought it felt like my dick is was losing sensitivity or some shit, but after a while i figured out that it was because my girls vagina gets extremely wet. its like the harder you fuck, the easier it should be to bust, right? not with this girl, the harder you fuck, the less you can feel anything. imagine putting your dick in a glass of warm water with nothing for friction
sounds more like you got a small cock, haha!
you'd know all about that :)
(http://www.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://blog.rednecklaughs.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/asian-flat-top-mullet.jpg&imgrefurl=http://blog.rednecklaughs.com/tag/mullets/&usg=__cNPEdm3H6GgrwQ_Kjiz1hG_pPHY=&h=547&w=435&sz=49&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=whXDVSw-iAGkfM:&tbnh=151&tbnw=128&ei=QSp4TdLDGo6KvgPF-pjZBQ&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dfunny%2Basian%2Bguy%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1680%26bih%3D902%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=401&vpy=240&dur=427&hovh=252&hovw=200&tx=101&ty=84&oei=QSp4TdLDGo6KvgPF-pjZBQ&page=1&ndsp=47&ved=1t:429,r:11,s:0)
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Alright, this one was with my first girlfreind.
It started off innocent enough, her parents were gone and we decided to take a shower. After a little pole play, i decided to slip it in the pink. I'm taxin' that ass doggie style and says that she wants me to fuck her in her 2-spot. I oblige. But first, I want to get the lube out of her room to make it easier on her. So I hop out of the shower, full boner mind you (it's just funny walking around with a big ol' stiffy) and get the lube out of her top drawer of her nightstand. I get back in and slather up my penis with the lube then I get prepared for the journey into what separates the men from the elite group who have traveled the proverbial "hershey highway". She bends over and I start coaxing it in, like a gentleman. As soon as I break the seal, she screams "OH MY GOD! PULL IT OUT!!!" and I do so. As soon as i pull out, she hits the deck, smashing her head on the tile wall. I start cracking up, at the thought of what just happened. I finally stop laughing and slap her awake to which she replies "oh my god, that was the most painful thing I've ever felt." I laugh some more and get out of the shower, still with a boner.
But what I have gained from this experience is this; I made someone pass out with my penis and not too many people can say that.
I've got another story i'll post about an explosion of fluids later tonight. I'm going to Applebees.
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met this girl at a party like 6 months back. After a while we start chillin like on the regular and she would come to my dorm and watch movies and cuddle and shit. shit's goin real good and what not, she aint no slut so i dont force the situation, on what ended up our final late-night movie session she starts cuddlin with me hardcore (idk if that makes sense) but she started grabbin on to me and shit, mind you I like this girl a lot and i kinda freeze and dont know what to do and basically reject all her advances. looking back im pretty sure she wanted some dick. anyway she got an apartment at the start of this semester...haven't heard too much from her since.
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met this girl at a party like 6 months back. After a while we start chillin like on the regular and she would come to my dorm and watch movies and cuddle and shit. shit's goin real good and what not, she aint no slut so i dont force the situation, on what ended up our final late-night movie session she starts cuddlin with me hardcore (idk if that makes sense) but she started grabbin on to me and shit, mind you I like this girl a lot and i kinda freeze and dont know what to do and basically reject all her advances. looking back im pretty sure she wanted some dick. anyway she got an apartment at the start of this semester...haven't heard too much from her since.
Man up, women don't like to have to make the first move.
Ring her, get living.
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One night I was chatting online with this older, laregely unattractive asian girl I went to high school with. She was maybe a 4 or 5. I'm easily bored with conversation so I started pushing the dialogue into perverted places. Long story short this girl invites me to her place which is about 45 minutes away, and out of sheer boredom and loneliness ( I had recently broken up with my ex of a few years) I obliged to make the trip.
I arrive at her apartment after deciphering her confusing directions, which was a complete downer/turn off in and of itself, and scaled the stairs to enter her cat urine scented living quarters. Strike one. She had become a cat lady. We exchanged greetings and long time no sees. She immediately turned to procure a bottle of rum from the cabinet at which point I noticed she no longer had the enormous bubble butt I had always fancied. Strike two. The rum was all fine and dandy until her incessant banter lead me to drink myself into complete oblivion. The second she realized I wasn't listening (probably wasn't even coherent) and had consumed three fourths of the handle, she jumped on my lap and delved her tounge deep into the depths of my throat. I halfway came out of my stupor enough to push her head towards my groin. She ripped my pants off with enthusiasm and immediately began sucking my half mass johnson. I wasn't feeling it all that much until she looked up into my eyes with my cock in her mouth, which brought me to full attention. At that moment she swiftly removed her panties and literally made an arial leap onto my dick and subsequently, while bouncing on it, released a series of high pitched screeches and wails. Not sexy screeches and wails, but painful, terrifying, murderous screeches and wails. Seriously, so loud I must have gone into fight or flight mode. I felt like the guy who fucked a monkey and invented AIDS. I was boneing a primate. Strike three. I leaned my head on the back of the couch and turned it away to avoid being deafened by the caucophony of jungle howls, and within seconds I came inside of her. I don't know if I did it out of fear, or just wanting to wash my hands of the incident, but never the less I immediately realized I could have just impregnated this wild creature. She dismounted and I stumbled off to wash my junk in her bathroom sink. Everything smelled like cat piss. I hit my head on the medicine cabinet, and in my drunken delirium, was forced to hold back a bubbling cauldron of vomit.
Upon returning to the living room I saw that she had folded the couch out into a futon style bed and was laying on her side, already half asleep. I hesitantly layed down on my back beside her. She rolled over and whispered in my ear: " If you feel like it later, I want you to fuck me from behind with that big cock. Its bigger than anything im used to..."
She rolled over and went to sleep. Half of me wanted to wake her up and just hate fuck the shit out of her from behind, but at that point I was too drunk to do anything of the sort. I ended up beating off on her leather computer chair and driving the 45 minutes home completely shithoused just to avoid seeing her in the morning. Luckily I didn't fertilize her eggs.
gold.
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One night I was chatting online with this older, laregely unattractive asian girl I went to high school with. She was maybe a 4 or 5. I'm easily bored with conversation so I started pushing the dialogue into perverted places. Long story short this girl invites me to her place which is about 45 minutes away, and out of sheer boredom and loneliness ( I had recently broken up with my ex of a few years) I obliged to make the trip.
I arrive at her apartment after deciphering her confusing directions, which was a complete downer/turn off in and of itself, and scaled the stairs to enter her cat urine scented living quarters. Strike one. She had become a cat lady. We exchanged greetings and long time no sees. She immediately turned to procure a bottle of rum from the cabinet at which point I noticed she no longer had the enormous bubble butt I had always fancied. Strike two. The rum was all fine and dandy until her incessant banter lead me to drink myself into complete oblivion. The second she realized I wasn't listening (probably wasn't even coherent) and had consumed three fourths of the handle, she jumped on my lap and delved her tounge deep into the depths of my throat. I halfway came out of my stupor enough to push her head towards my groin. She ripped my pants off with enthusiasm and immediately began sucking my half mass johnson. I wasn't feeling it all that much until she looked up into my eyes with my cock in her mouth, which brought me to full attention. At that moment she swiftly removed her panties and literally made an arial leap onto my dick and subsequently, while bouncing on it, released a series of high pitched screeches and wails. Not sexy screeches and wails, but painful, terrifying, murderous screeches and wails. Seriously, so loud I must have gone into fight or flight mode. I felt like the guy who fucked a monkey and invented AIDS. I was boneing a primate. Strike three. I leaned my head on the back of the couch and turned it away to avoid being deafened by the caucophony of jungle howls, and within seconds I came inside of her. I don't know if I did it out of fear, or just wanting to wash my hands of the incident, but never the less I immediately realized I could have just impregnated this wild creature. She dismounted and I stumbled off to wash my junk in her bathroom sink. Everything smelled like cat piss. I hit my head on the medicine cabinet, and in my drunken delirium, was forced to hold back a bubbling cauldron of vomit.
Upon returning to the living room I saw that she had folded the couch out into a futon style bed and was laying on her side, already half asleep. I hesitantly layed down on my back beside her. She rolled over and whispered in my ear: " If you feel like it later, I want you to fuck me from behind with that big cock. Its bigger than anything im used to..."
She rolled over and went to sleep. Half of me wanted to wake her up and just hate fuck the shit out of her from behind, but at that point I was too drunk to do anything of the sort. I ended up beating off on her leather computer chair and driving the 45 minutes home completely shithoused just to avoid seeing her in the morning. Luckily I didn't fertilize her eggs.
gold.
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Alright, this one was with my first girlfreind.
It started off innocent enough, her parents were gone and we decided to take a shower. After a little pole play, i decided to slip it in the pink. I'm taxin' that ass doggie style and says that she wants me to fuck her in her 2-spot. I oblige. But first, I want to get the lube out of her room to make it easier on her. So I hop out of the shower, full boner mind you (it's just funny walking around with a big ol' stiffy) and get the lube out of her top drawer of her nightstand. I get back in and slather up my penis with the lube then I get prepared for the journey into what separates the men from the elite group who have traveled the proverbial "hershey highway". She bends over and I start coaxing it in, like a gentleman. As soon as I break the seal, she screams "OH MY GOD! PULL IT OUT!!!" and I do so. As soon as i pull out, she hits the deck, smashing her head on the tile wall. I start cracking up, at the thought of what just happened. I finally stop laughing and slap her awake to which she replies "oh my god, that was the most painful thing I've ever felt." I laugh some more and get out of the shower, still with a boner.
But what I have gained from this experience is this; I made someone pass out with my penis and not too many people can say that.
I've got another story i'll post about an explosion of fluids later tonight. I'm going to Applebees.
(http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgh6cpmDJL1qfkeel.gif)
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^ It's called Frank for fuck's sake.
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met this girl at a party like 6 months back. After a while we start chillin like on the regular and she would come to my dorm and watch movies and cuddle and shit. shit's goin real good and what not, she aint no slut so i dont force the situation, on what ended up our final late-night movie session she starts cuddlin with me hardcore (idk if that makes sense) but she started grabbin on to me and shit, mind you I like this girl a lot and i kinda freeze and dont know what to do and basically reject all her advances. looking back im pretty sure she wanted some dick. anyway she got an apartment at the start of this semester...haven't heard too much from her since.
dude you suuuck
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^ It's called Frank for fuck's sake.
Oh fuck, you're onto me ain't you?
(http://www.mikelockett.com/cp/we7/uploads/1000/Giant%20Crab.jpg)
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flew to finland from holland once to meet up with a girl i met in barcelona, turned out she had gotten back together with her boyfriend in the meantime so i didn't get any. weird thing was she was pretty much begging me to come to finland and see her. flight was about 300 euro's. i saw her a year later in barcelona again, she looked really malnourished. i think she has an eating disorder.
i had something similar happen to me but i flew out to LA.
this girl who worked for me that moved out there hit me up a couple of days before i was going to see my homey. i wanted to bang this girl for a minute but she worked for me so it was unethical(i've made the mistake before and didn't want to go through with it again) but shes hitting me up out of the blue and telling me to come check her so i'm thinking, i'm in like flynn!
so i kick it with my homey for a few days when she hits me up and says she coming to get me, awesome! i do all the pre-date shit, make sure my breath doesn't stink, test wipe my ass, that kind of shit. so an hour goes by and there shes is....with her motherfuckin man....FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU!
i didn't have much of a choice but to go with them so i spent an uneventful evening drinking in their apartment and broke out early the next day. on the bright side, i did find a porno mag in their bathroom and rubbed one out before leaving but thats more of a real confession, haha!
so i'm quoting this story because this very girl just hit me up an hour ago saying shes in NYC and wants to hang out.
shes married to the dude this time...WTF! why does it seem that girls can't grasp the fact that dudes don't want to be friends, we just want to fuck.
i see this evening ending in failure but i'm not putting in any effort outside of taking a subway.
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chick queefed in face, kept going
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flew to finland from holland once to meet up with a girl i met in barcelona, turned out she had gotten back together with her boyfriend in the meantime so i didn't get any. weird thing was she was pretty much begging me to come to finland and see her. flight was about 300 euro's. i saw her a year later in barcelona again, she looked really malnourished. i think she has an eating disorder.
i had something similar happen to me but i flew out to LA.
this girl who worked for me that moved out there hit me up a couple of days before i was going to see my homey. i wanted to bang this girl for a minute but she worked for me so it was unethical(i've made the mistake before and didn't want to go through with it again) but shes hitting me up out of the blue and telling me to come check her so i'm thinking, i'm in like flynn!
so i kick it with my homey for a few days when she hits me up and says she coming to get me, awesome! i do all the pre-date shit, make sure my breath doesn't stink, test wipe my ass, that kind of shit. so an hour goes by and there shes is....with her motherfuckin man....FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU!
i didn't have much of a choice but to go with them so i spent an uneventful evening drinking in their apartment and broke out early the next day. on the bright side, i did find a porno mag in their bathroom and rubbed one out before leaving but thats more of a real confession, haha!
so i'm quoting this story because this very girl just hit me up an hour ago saying shes in NYC and wants to hang out.
shes married to the dude this time...WTF! why does it seem that girls can't grasp the fact that dudes don't want to be friends, we just want to fuck.
i see this evening ending in failure but i'm not putting in any effort outside of taking a subway.
Yeah, man, that's the way to do it. You don't gotta do anything special for her. No need to shower, brush your teeth, put on deordorant, wipe your ass or any of that other fay ass sissy bullshit this time because it'll be just like any other uneventful day.
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chick queefed in face, kept going
Queefing is hilarious. Sometimes I'll do it on purpose and you know you got a cool one if they laugh with you.
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if it just comes down to busting a nut, id say around the last 5 times ive had sex i havent been able to bust... and i think i know why. at first i thought it felt like my dick is was losing sensitivity or some shit, but after a while i figured out that it was because my girls vagina gets extremely wet. its like the harder you fuck, the easier it should be to bust, right? not with this girl, the harder you fuck, the less you can feel anything. imagine putting your dick in a glass of warm water with nothing for friction
You idiot! Hit her up!
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First time poster in this thread. Here goes:
So a couple years back I was in a real on again off again relationship. I had some very dark nights on the town in the midst of getting back together with this chick, so any opportunities I would have for a wasted hook up, I took full advantage of.
There is this epic slut in Toronto, who I am pretty sure every person that posts here from Toronto has a story about. Either way, I end up at this chicks place, in her room. She gets on top of me and starts making out hard. I am feeling up her ass and start going down the back of her pants. I didn't even rub her pussy before I started fingering her ass. After fingering her butt for a minute or so, I had a moment of clarity that over powered the alcohol/pills/whatever I had ingested that night: Is a girl that is allowing me to finger her butt, while we are both fully clothed, that has fucked all of your friends, really worth the trouble? The answer is no.
I pulled my finger out of her calamari ring and bailed home like this:
(http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/286528/286528,1236809173,1/stock-photo-finger-pointing-upwards-into-a-blue-sky-26490535.jpg)
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First time poster in this thread. Here goes:
So a couple years back I was in a real on again off again relationship. I had some very dark nights on the town in the midst of getting back together with this chick, so any opportunities I would have for a wasted hook up, I took full advantage of.
There is this epic slut in Toronto, who I am pretty sure every person that posts here from Toronto has a story about. Either way, I end up at this chicks place, in her room. She gets on top of me and starts making out hard. I am feeling up her ass and start going down the back of her pants. I didn't even rub her pussy before I started fingering her ass. After fingering her butt for a minute or so, I had a moment of clarity that over powered the alcohol/pills/whatever I had ingested that night: Is a girl that is allowing me to finger her butt, while we are both fully clothed, that has fucked all of your friends, really worth the trouble? The answer is no.
well, there?s your fault. if i was your dick, i would be pretty damn pissed. also, maybe small.
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First time poster in this thread. Here goes:
So a couple years back I was in a real on again off again relationship. I had some very dark nights on the town in the midst of getting back together with this chick, so any opportunities I would have for a wasted hook up, I took full advantage of.
There is this epic slut in Toronto, who I am pretty sure every person that posts here from Toronto has a story about. Either way, I end up at this chicks place, in her room. She gets on top of me and starts making out hard. I am feeling up her ass and start going down the back of her pants. I didn't even rub her pussy before I started fingering her ass. After fingering her butt for a minute or so, I had a moment of clarity that over powered the alcohol/pills/whatever I had ingested that night: Is a girl that is allowing me to finger her butt, while we are both fully clothed, that has fucked all of your friends, really worth the trouble? The answer is no.
I pulled my finger out of her calamari ring and bailed home like this:
(http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/286528/286528,1236809173,1/stock-photo-finger-pointing-upwards-into-a-blue-sky-26490535.jpg)
no failure there, homie. since you decided to forgo the vag, that finger wasn't lubed up with her juices and that means you were messing with one seriously loose pooper. poopers like that might open up and explode gonorrhea diarrhea all over your dick if it made its way in there.
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Yeah, that was more of a pathetic story. It was a bender ender too. It made me appreciate my ex and the special occasions that ass play is allowed.
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if it just comes down to busting a nut, id say around the last 5 times ive had sex i havent been able to bust... and i think i know why. at first i thought it felt like my dick is was losing sensitivity or some shit, but after a while i figured out that it was because my girls vagina gets extremely wet. its like the harder you fuck, the easier it should be to bust, right? not with this girl, the harder you fuck, the less you can feel anything. imagine putting your dick in a glass of warm water with nothing for friction
sounds more like you got a small cock, haha!
if shes that wet, just pull out, use her shirt to wipe the pussy juice off your cock and go back in.
that or hit the backdoor.
spot on
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i have no idea why i said "my girl" instead of something like "this girl im seeing" or "this girl im doing things with right now", but she definitely wasnt my girlfriend, and has since been broke the fuck off. you just cant stay with a girl who cant even make you bust. it might sound counter productive, but this experience has helped me to learn that you gotta fuck them before you date them
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My on-again-off-again ex and I were moving back into on-again territory on her bed one fall evening. I lay myself out as she pulls down my Looms, and put my head back as she begins kissing me all over my pelvic vicinity. This girl worked it well, licked up the fernum and the base of the shaft with equal fervor. A blowjob genius, until tonight--I don't know what the fuck she was thinking on this night. I raise my head to enjoy the view, and at the same time she notices an ingrown hair in the tender spot between the leg and ballsack, but slightly higher. Without hesitation, with dick in mouth, she pops it. Commence yelling and berating by me, crying and fetal position in the furthest corner of the bed from me by her. This continues for close to 15 minutes before I realize I want that blowjob finished. She can't be moved, and would rather talk about our situation than continue an emotionless fuck, which is all I ever wanted in the first place. By now, I've realized that a woman's desire to pop a pimple/ingrown hair is like tossing a ball into a yard full of cats for a dog to catch--they can't not do it.
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chick queefed in face, kept going
Wait, you're a girl? And you can do that on purpose?
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Whaaaaa???
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i poked a girl on facebook a couple days ago. she hasn't poked back.
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Glad someone revived this thread.
Last weekend I pathetically failed at an attempt towards a sexual relation, but before I explain what went down there's some back story to it...
About a year and a half ago I hooked up with a random girl a few times I remember seeing in high school but never really knew until a drunken Christmas party at a bar. We got to know each other and I told her a lot of intimate shit I don't normally tell people which got her to open up a lot to me. She told me some info that led me to believe she was secretly a lesbian in denial. For example...
-Made out and touched vags with another girl when she was prepubescent
-Had wet dreams about her ex roommate who was a ridiculously hot lesbian
-Had boned about 20 dudes and never had an orgasm
-The fact that every time we boned, she would just lie there with her eyes closed looking uncomfortable. For someone with such experience with dick, she was a terrible lay.
So one night we go out to a bar. Some random pretty hot drunk girl walks up to us, "blaw blaw blaw I'm a lesbian." Directly after she says this I go, "Oh yeah? She is too!" pointing to the girl I was dating next to me, (this was before she ever fully admitted to me she was part homo which means I pretty much put her on blast.) Instead of her denying it, she just sat there smiling. They made out that night, and long story short they hooked up maybe a month later giving my friend her first orgasm. Later found out the lesbian was a full blooded crazy alcoholic.
Fast forward to last weekend I'm at Buffalo Wild Wings with a couple friends having wings and a beer. I look to my left and it's the lesbian chick with a lesbian friend of hers sitting down at the bar next to us. I say "hi" and casually continue eating with my friends not thinking much of it. Maybe 10 minutes later she leans over to me and asks me how the girl I used to date is. We make small talk and she buys me a bigass Hef, stoking me out. I continue to mingle with my friends not thinking much of it, next thing I know she buys me another beer...then another...then another. Lesbian chick gets me full on drunk, so I figure I need to investigate wtf is goin on in her head buyin me all this shit. One thing leads to another and I get kidnapped by the two lesbos who drag me into a Jersey Shore like club next door. Before I decide to full on ditch my friends I ask her "so are you a full on lesbo or are you bi?!" She confirms she's bi, so I get dragged into the bro club in chords and a baseball tee surrounded by a bunch of tools in striped button ups, hair gel, etc. They buy me another shot and a mixed drink...I'm completely shit faced at this point.
Finally the less hot lesbo drunkenly drives us about a block away to the hot ones apt. The less hot lesbo leaves for maybe 15 minutes to grab another handle from her house. While she's gone I start to make out with the hot one. She pulls my boner out in the kitchen, I'm ready to go, and seconds after it gets whipped out, homegirl walks in the front door and we gotta put that shit away real quick. We take another shot and hot lesbian suddenly turns into a crazy drunken bitch in a desperate attempt to get the other chick out so we could hump. This goes on for about a half hour and I just pretend to be passed out on the couch to stay out of it. Eventually she leaves...a detailed recollection of the events that follow are a little hazy considering how much we drank, but next thing I remember we're naked in her bed trying to put on a condom. Low and behold, the dreaded whiskey dick puts me out of commission and I pass out with my nut unbusted.
Next morning we wake up hungover in no mood to attempt the deed once more. I think her sobriety turned her fully gay again. Instead she tells me to text the girl I played wing-man for about a year earlier, "guess whose bed I'm in right now!" OG girl didn't think it was very funny. We thought it was hilarious. I think she just tried to fuck me to piss off OG girl or something. The End.
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^gnarly
Whiskey dick is truely dreadful indeed. Just had it happen to me recently when I was trying to hobo style hook up in an outdoor shower at the beach.
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been talking to this girl for about a couple of weeks, took her to the movie and saw your highness (movie sucked) paid for the tickets and popcorn and got herself a slurpie. we went back to my house and was making moves in till she said :wait i really just want to be friends". i told her to get out
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Well played, tobey.
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Tobey's my hero for the weekend.
Me and this chick were in her room about to fuck when all of a sudden her fatass little brother walks in and asks for quarter.. I told him to go away I'm trying to fuck your sister... It didnt work
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Tobey's my hero for the weekend.
Me and this flit were in his room about to fuck when all of a sudden his fatass little brother walks in and asks for quarter.. I told him to go away I'm trying to fuck your brother... It didnt work
If you really are Neil Patrick Harris...
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been talking to this girl for about a couple of weeks, took her to the movie and saw your highness (movie sucked) paid for the tickets and popcorn and got herself a slurpie. we went back to my house and was making moves in till she said :wait i really just want to be friends". i told her to get out
this is the best one yet
haha you silly boy. why do you buy tickets and popcorn for the girl? females want to be treated like man so they can pay for their own shit. or. you pay tickets and she buys the popcorn and drinks.
You're a teenager?
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been talking to this girl for about a couple of weeks, took her to the movie and saw your highness (movie sucked) paid for the tickets and popcorn and got herself a slurpie. we went back to my house and was making moves in till she said :wait i really just want to be friends". i told her to get out
this is the best one yet
haha you silly boy. why do you buy tickets and popcorn for the girl? females want to be treated like man so they can pay for their own shit. or. you pay tickets and she buys the popcorn and drinks.
You're a teenager?
19 i just got paid so i was feeling good about it so i wanted to treat her well, she didnt want to return the favor
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YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS I'M NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
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been talking to this girl for about a couple of weeks, took her to the movie and saw your highness (movie sucked) paid for the tickets and popcorn and got herself a slurpie. we went back to my house and was making moves in till she said :wait i really just want to be friends". i told her to get out
this is the best one yet
haha you silly boy. why do you buy tickets and popcorn for the girl? females want to be treated like man so they can pay for their own shit. or. you pay tickets and she buys the popcorn and drinks.
You're a teenager?
yeah i understand your plan to succeed.
You ever kissed her or something? If you see her at a party next time, give her a little attention, but not too much. after that ignore her a little if she searches for attention you know you're doing good.
Girl's love guys that are a little hard and cocky. I you buy her shit the first time, she's like awww sweet but a little soft.
Off course even females can be different, but that shit worked for me and it saves money.
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been talking to this girl for about a couple of weeks, took her to the movie and saw your highness (movie sucked) paid for the tickets and popcorn and got herself a slurpie. we went back to my house and was making moves in till she said :wait i really just want to be friends". i told her to get out
this is the best one yet
haha you silly boy. why do you buy tickets and popcorn for the girl? females want to be treated like man so they can pay for their own shit. or. you pay tickets and she buys the popcorn and drinks.
You're a teenager?
yeah i understand your plan to succeed.
You ever kissed her or something? If you see her at a party next time, give her a little attention, but not too much. after that ignore her a little if she searches for attention you know you're doing good.
Girl's love guys that are a little hard and cocky. I you buy her shit the first time, she's like awww sweet but a little soft.
Off course even females can be different, but that shit worked for me and it saves money.
i use to hook up with her when we were freshman in highschool, then i tried to get back where we left off and it didnt work out, i could honsetly care less about her i just wanted to see that movie and she was just around
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been talking to this girl for about a couple of weeks, took her to the movie and saw your highness (movie sucked) paid for the tickets and popcorn and got herself a slurpie. we went back to my house and was making moves in till she said :wait i really just want to be friends". i told her to get out
this is the best one yet
haha you silly boy. why do you buy tickets and popcorn for the girl? females want to be treated like man so they can pay for their own shit. or. you pay tickets and she buys the popcorn and drinks.
You're a teenager?
yeah i understand your plan to succeed.
You ever kissed her or something? If you see her at a party next time, give her a little attention, but not too much. after that ignore her a little if she searches for attention you know you're doing good.
Girl's love guys that are a little hard and cocky. I you buy her shit the first time, she's like awww sweet but a little soft.
Off course even females can be different, but that shit worked for me and it saves money.
then you got what you wanted to right? you saw the movie
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been talking to this girl for about a couple of weeks, took her to the movie and saw your highness (movie sucked) paid for the tickets and popcorn and got herself a slurpie. we went back to my house and was making moves in till she said :wait i really just want to be friends". i told her to get out
this is the best one yet
haha you silly boy. why do you buy tickets and popcorn for the girl? females want to be treated like man so they can pay for their own shit. or. you pay tickets and she buys the popcorn and drinks.
You're a teenager?
yeah i understand your plan to succeed.
You ever kissed her or something? If you see her at a party next time, give her a little attention, but not too much. after that ignore her a little if she searches for attention you know you're doing good.
Girl's love guys that are a little hard and cocky. I you buy her shit the first time, she's like awww sweet but a little soft.
Off course even females can be different, but that shit worked for me and it saves money.
then you got what you wanted to right? you saw the movie
yea i was just extra bummed that the movie sucked
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been talking to this girl for about a couple of weeks, took her to the movie and saw your highness (movie sucked) paid for the tickets and popcorn and got herself a slurpie. we went back to my house and was making moves in till she said :wait i really just want to be friends". i told her to get out
this is the best one yet
haha you silly boy. why do you buy tickets and popcorn for the girl? females want to be treated like man so they can pay for their own shit. or. you pay tickets and she buys the popcorn and drinks.
You're a teenager?
yeah i understand your plan to succeed.
You ever kissed her or something? If you see her at a party next time, give her a little attention, but not too much. after that ignore her a little if she searches for attention you know you're doing good.
Girl's love guys that are a little hard and cocky. I you buy her shit the first time, she's like awww sweet but a little soft.
Off course even females can be different, but that shit worked for me and it saves money.
then you got what you wanted to right? you saw the movie
And then Natalie's ass got you all horny but you couldn't get some?
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might have been close to something last night, but then the chicks friend started puking. damn lightweight.
then she left for a party I couldn't get into and apparently satisfied her desires with random people on the street. (just making out though since they were on the street). she then returned and proceeded to try to study with her friend but passed out.
damn it.
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macked on with a lass from work after like a year and a half of of fuck me eyes so i finally fucked the shit outta her by a footy field she sucked dick like a true champion then back at her place got no sleep but four loads away no doubt.. Now I got a blister on my dick.. Muthafucka.
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macked on with a lass from work after like a year and a half of of fuck me eyes so i finally fucked the shit outta her by a footy field she sucked dick like a true champion then back at her place got no sleep but four loads away no doubt.. Now I got a blister on my dick.. Muthafucka.
Get that shit outta here.
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Tobey's story reminds me of one of my more badass moments with my toxic ex.
Here is the scenario: When we dated, for my birthday I was given some tickets to see The Cure. We broke up (for like the 4th time) in the time between the show and when the gift was given. She had the tickets in her possession and I had to retrieve them about a week or so before the show. I wasn't dating anyone at the time, and I was either going to take on of my bros to see Robert Smith. I didn't want to have to finish telling people about the show with 'No Homo', so I asked my ex if she would still want to check out the show with me, and she accepted.
So we are at the show, drinking heavily, catching up and what not. It's a pretty good time. After the show we split a cab back to my place. We are both wasted so she asks to stay over. Mind you we were making out the whole night so I was like 'fuck yea'. We get into bed and are fooling around. I put on a condom and give a couple prods, when she pushes me off her and tells me 'She can't do this' and then explains that she is dating her room mate in College. She turns over and passes out, like, right away. I rip off my condom and through it out of my window onto the street below. Ew, I know. So I am staring at the ceiling for probably ten minutes being like 'what the fuck'. I start to hear her snore, and I couldn't take it. I lightly shook her, whispering her name to try and wake her up without being to abrasive. She finally moans and asks me what's up to which I whisper 'There's a couch down stairs. Get the fuck out of my bed.' She woke up and started beating the shit out of me. I just shielded myself until she bailed.
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Today I came out of my girlfriend's bathroom and went to her room. She gave me some shifty eyes on her bed and asked if she shouldn't shower yet. So I kissed her and she said, "That's not an answer." Then I kissed her again and she said, "no really though, I'm afraid of it getting too humid." I got confused and asked what she meant. Turns out she didn't want pre-shower sex. She was just worried that I stunk up the bathroom with my poop, and that showering would make the smell worse. I went downstairs and dejectedly did my homework while she showered with the window cracked.
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Bump
A few days ago, I spent the night over at a girl's house. We were making out on the bed and I already undressed her to the point where it was just panties and bra. We were really going for it, she rolls me over, laying on top of me (while still making out). I sit up, so now I'm sitting on the side of the bed with her in her underwear, in full lapdance position, making out with me. I was already high-fiving myself.
Until she suddenly mumbles "we can't do this, we should stop". I tried to convince her for a while, but then I realized I was almost begging a girl to do it with me and I was almost creeping myself out. So I just conceded and spent the rest of the night on a mattress on the floor. Clinging on to the last little bit of dignity I had left.
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the girl i have been sleeping with came over last night, to sleep over, and thats exactly what she did, sleep.
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i poked a girl on facebook a couple days ago. she hasn't poked back.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN DUDE.
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i know a lot of people say "_____ is the worst", but fuck it, girls that act like theyre down then dont do shit at game time are the worst
+Infinity.
I liked this one girl all through highschool. We would hang out and she would always initiate shit, then I would continue, and she would always turn away or stop, or tell me "You're not even my type". She was the first girl I ever made out with, saw naked, and fingered, but wow what a fucking tease. I'm surprised I even got that far with her. Serious commitment issues. Completely certifiable. She would always want to hang out and shit ended the same way everytime, with me being confused at what I could have possibly done wrong and her hating me and ignoring my calls. A few years later, she started messaging me on Facebook "Let's hang out I miss you". I fucking chewed her ass out. Figuratively speaking, of course. I hate girls that fuck with your mind. I really regret wasting so much time chasing after her, but I was stupid.
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whiskey dick sounds like a bummer..
Any way, open door policy sucks. a lot.
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I was visiting some friends in western Mass this week for my birthday, and made plans to meet up with this broad. We were from the same town, made out once drunkenly, and lived on the same dorm floor. She made dinner and I brought some beer, we began chatting as she showed me her dope house that she had to herself for the summer until her 5 other roommates came back for the school year. Not too far into dinner she brings up how much fun she's been having fucking around since becoming single. I tell her about my shameful dry streak, she sympathizes. Deeper into the topic, I tell her I'll be back often during the month, and she mentions wanting to have a fuck buddy around here. At this point I figure it's prime time to bring up sleeping together, NSA. She's not down, whatsoever. Says I need to catch her in the right mood, she's sweaty from work, and I made it awkward. I stayed a couple more hours somberly drinking my Pabst while she asked my advice about whether or not she should fuck my friend who just gave her his number, and what to do about this other boy she only wants to fuck, but can't stop from liking. I told her the power is in her hands, because all guys want from a girl is to fuck. I left shortly after. At least I got a free meal.
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Damn, that sucks. I hate being in a situation like that.
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Bump
A few days ago, I spent the night over at a girl's house. We were making out on the bed and I already undressed her to the point where it was just panties and bra. We were really going for it, she rolls me over, laying on top of me (while still making out). I sit up, so now I'm sitting on the side of the bed with her in her underwear, in full lapdance position, making out with me. I was already high-fiving myself.
Until she suddenly mumbles "we can't do this, we should stop". I tried to convince her for a while, but then I realized I was almost begging a girl to do it with me and I was almost creeping myself out. So I just conceded and spent the rest of the night on a mattress on the floor. Clinging on to the last little bit of dignity I had left.
Did you give a ride home and part way say....'i can't do this....you have to get out...'
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some of the hottest girls i have ever been with, immeadiatly attempted to play head games with me, to try and boost their egos.
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some of the hottest girls i have ever been with, immeadiatly attempted to play head games with me, to try and boost their egos.
This.
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Being attractive is very difficult to cope with mentally...
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I was visiting some friends in western Mass this week for my birthday, and made plans to meet up with this broad. We were from the same town, made out once drunkenly, and lived on the same dorm floor. She made dinner and I brought some beer, we began chatting as she showed me her dope house that she had to herself for the summer until her 5 other roommates came back for the school year. Not too far into dinner she brings up how much fun she's been having fucking around since becoming single. I tell her about my shameful dry streak, she sympathizes. Deeper into the topic, I tell her I'll be back often during the month, and she mentions wanting to have a fuck buddy around here. At this point I figure it's prime time to bring up sleeping together, NSA. She's not down, whatsoever. Says I need to catch her in the right mood, she's sweaty from work, and I made it awkward. I stayed a couple more hours somberly drinking my Pabst while she asked my advice about whether or not she should fuck my friend who just gave her his number, and what to do about this other boy she only wants to fuck, but can't stop from liking. I told her the power is in her hands, because all guys want from a girl is to fuck. I left shortly after. At least I got a free meal.
That's a pickle of a situation my friend. I've had a similar experience and the female's mentions of banging my friends were actually pretty open "Look how desirable I am!" attempts. Sealed the deal the next time. You're the sauce boss. Take what is yours and then make her make you dinner afterwards.
I was up in MA this past weekend and toured Boston brewery. They only let me sample three beers. THREE BEERS.
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Donkey Lips, hit me up next time you come up for some beer, and thanks for the advice.
n0torious, always right. A lady co-worker of mine laughed at my attempt and said the same thing. Trial by error man. I'll work on my game plan for next time.
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always leave them waiting.
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I was up in MA this past weekend and toured Boston brewery. They only let me sample three beers. THREE BEERS.
the fuck? every brewery tour i've ever been on was like 5 minutes of some dude showing everyone a couple tanks and then 2 hours of everyone drinking themselves absolutely silly. what a gyp-job.
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I think it's more for show than anything. I know most of the bottling operations for Sam Adams are done in Pennsylvania and Colorado, so I think this brewery is just more the birthplace/tourist stop. Still it's disappointing that they had three beers to sample (Boston lager, Summer ale & Brick Red). I think Harpoon brewery lets you sample like 7-10 usually, and I've heard Dogfish Head basically let's you just hang out and drink until you get bored.
But onward to the failed attempts at putting your wiener in things. I getting drinks with a girl this weekend that should provide a story that will wind up here, or in the awkward sex thread.
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Years ago I convinced my girl to finally let me try to stick it in the back door...We had been working at it for a while... you know fingers, tips & lube...so we went for it, seemed safe... at first everything was fine, she was into it...
I got too carried away & pushed hard... she turned around punched me on my chest. i look down and theres blood everywhere. She was pissed at me for weeks! Since then, that area is completely off limits... I don't know how to get her to even try anymore.
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I've heard Dogfish Head basically let's you just hang out and drink until you get bored.
The Dogfish tour in DE is rad. They have a bar with all their beers and some special/limited ones. They pour you a pint to sip during the tour, then after it's a few hrs. of drinking and beer nerds bs'ing. Funny thing is before the tour they tell you to have a DD, because the town is so small cops have been know to lurk their entrance when the tour gets out.
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gonna bring this boi back out, there must be new stories.
A few weeks back I went out with some finnish friends. Expectations are low since I barely knew most of them, but it's turning out to be a pretty fun evening trying to outdrink them.
Eventually I exchange some looks with these two girls at the bar and special meter being full I decide to chat them up casually while I get more beers. Everything works out well and they're joining our group as we continue to the next bar. Finnish single guys are being rejected one after another by the girls and I'm left alone talking to both of them. The night goes on like that and somewhere around the 3am mark the girl I was focusing on tells me she has a boyfriend and sort of stutters around about how she doesn't know what to do since she's into me etc. but I break it off there politely and take the chance to go home with her friend instead. We have another drink at her place and start to make out on her bed. my shirt goes off and she's fumbling around in my pants while I unbutton her top and she has this really strange underwear on and I burst out "haha shit is that a fuckin girdle?!" saying it like kenny powers but meaning it in the most respectful way possible, but she immediately knees me in the balls and I explode into a million colourful rbber balls that come falling down on her room like a sony commercial in 256 colours minimum. My soul is trapped in a gorgeous crimson ball that rolls aimlessly through the crack under her door into the hallway. I can hear her frantic screams behind me but my mind has wandered far away alreay in my new vessel. going through another crack I find myself bouncing down the staircase now and soon enough I'm out on the street again. A breezy rainshower flushes me along the street and I eventually pour down into the sewers where I idly float by debris and busy vermin until I get stuck on a branch. Water keeps gushing past me and slowly but steadily a beautiful flower grows out of me making it's way through even the toughest of concrete and rock until I finally reach daylight again and I'm just elated.
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gonna bring this boi back out, there must be new stories.
A few weeks back I went out with some finnish friends. Expectations are low since I barely knew most of them, but it's turning out to be a pretty fun evening trying to outdrink them.
Eventually I exchange some looks with these two girls at the bar and special meter being full I decide to chat them up casually while I get more beers. Everything works out well and they're joining our group as we continue to the next bar. Finnish single guys are being rejected one after another by the girls and I'm left alone talking to both of them. The night goes on like that and somewhere around the 3am mark the girl I was focusing on tells me she has a boyfriend and sort of stutters around about how she doesn't know what to do since she's into me etc. but I break it off there politely and take the chance to go home with her friend instead. We have another drink at her place and start to make out on her bed. my shirt goes off and she's fumbling around in my pants while I unbutton her top and she has this really strange underwear on and I burst out "haha shit is that a fuckin girdle?!" saying it like kenny powers but meaning it in the most respectful way possible, but she immediately knees me in the balls and I explode into a million colourful rbber balls that come falling down on her room like a sony commercial in 256 colours minimum. My soul is trapped in a gorgeous crimson ball that rolls aimlessly through the crack under her door into the hallway. I can hear her frantic screams behind me but my mind has wandered far away alreay in my new vessel. going through another crack I find myself bouncing down the staircase now and soon enough I'm out on the street again. A breezy rainshower flushes me along the street and I eventually pour down into the sewers where I idly float by debris and busy vermin until I get stuck on a branch. Water keeps gushing past me and slowly but steadily a beautiful flower grows out of me making it's way through even the toughest of concrete and rock until I finally reach daylight again and I'm just elated.
That story reminded me of this: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/375/375-h/375-h.htm (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/375/375-h/375-h.htm)
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i was at a bar over the summer with some friends, and i was coming out of the bathroom and caught my friend talking to this blonde chick, so i walk over to them. she has a friend who, while she was kinda cute, was also pretty chubby, but she was was indian (which i'm kinda into) and had a cute face and was wearing this tight black dress that wasn't totally unbecoming in the darkness of the bar. i chat with her for a minute, and she is immediately trying to make out with me in the middle of the bar, leaning right in to my face and carrying out a meaningless conversation that was something along the lines of "so you're from here" "yeah" "really", and just saying things while staring into my eyes waiting for a kiss. so i give her a little smooch, but am super self conscious i might be seen by friends/people, but am drunk enough to wanna try to make something happen, so i say "seems like we could use some privacy" and motion towards the bathroom. i walk right off and head in and wait for a minute or two, she doesn't come in, so i walk out and right back by her, look at her and say "guess that didn't work huh?" and went to the opposite end of the bar to get ripped on for making out with some fat indian chick
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i was at a bar over the summer with some friends, and i was coming out of the bathroom and caught my friend talking to this blonde chick, so i walk over to them. she has a friend who, while she was kinda cute, was also pretty chubby, but she was was indian (which i'm kinda into) and had a cute face and was wearing this tight black dress that wasn't totally unbecoming in the darkness of the bar. i chat with her for a minute, and she is immediately trying to make out with me in the middle of the bar, leaning right in to my face and carrying out a meaningless conversation that was something along the lines of "so you're from here" "yeah" "really", and just saying things while staring into my eyes waiting for a kiss. so i give her a little smooch, but am super self conscious i might be seen by friends/people, but am drunk enough to wanna try to make something happen, so i say "seems like we could use some privacy" and motion towards the bathroom. i walk right off and head in and wait for a minute or two, she doesn't come in, so i walk out and right back by her, look at her and say "guess that didn't work huh?" and went to the opposite end of the bar to get ripped on for making out with some fat indian chick
lol
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I had a similar thing happen a long time ago. It was New Year's Eve and I think I was 21. I was at a house party with a few friends. There were probably only like 6 of us who were 21 or older, the rest were the kid who's house it was younger brothers friends who were all in highschool. At first I remember my friends and I were way too cool to go party with the younger kids, but after we got pretty shitty we realized we thought we would be really cool and kick all their asses at beer pong. After more drinks we started flirting with the highschool girls and I had this bigger one in to me. She kept taking my beer and sticking it between her big tits. Each time she kept pulling her shirt down more and more. I'd pull it out and give them a squeeze, and this went on for a while. I was really close to blacking out drunk. Still conscious, but drunk enough to think trying to fuck this chubby highschool chick was the best possible idea. When it got late the party moved into the living room where people were watching tv and we started getting a little handsy on the couch, but there were a bunch of people, and I could tell that I would've passed out long before everyone else did and I needed to make my move sooner than later so I whispered to her to meet me up stairs. I went up, waited about five minutes by myself in the dark then came back down and she was cuddled up with one of her girl friends, and they both gave me a dirty look so I knew whatever chance I had was basically gone. The worst part was that I was so drunk that I actually got bummed and a little pissed that this highschool chick turned me down. The next day I drove 4 hours to go on a snowboard trip with a bunch of my friends and my buddy who rode with me ended up fucking one of the girls and he was super embarrassed about it, but we both had a good laugh at ourselves.
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10th grade I was at a Halloween party in a tiny little town. My instincts took over, I went for the "nurse" with the biggest tits.
We start making out and I'm all over her tits/ fingering her. After an attempt or two to get her into my truck (set up with mattress) it wasn't happening. Shot down.
Really late feeling defeated I head to my whip and try to sleep, few mins later this girl who liked me forever knocks on the window. We are sharing a sleeping bag at this point hooking up. She was blowing me and I kept reminding her TEETH! She literally couldn't fit my cock in her mouth. After like 10 mins of mild stuff her friends start banging on the window warning her about me. After that settled down she asked if I had condoms, MY F BAG GOT JACKED NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. I head inside in a frenzy waking up friends and finally got a couple jimmies. back in the truck and she's fully not into it anymore. She said it would hurt too much blah blah
I ended up jacking myself off right beside her
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Care to give us any tips on how to put together a proper F bag? I'm sure your shit had to be pretty tight for someone to jack it.
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sex is the root cause of every single problem in the entire history of the human race IMO
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After an attempt or two to get her into my truck (set up with mattress)
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My entire fucking life.
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She literally couldn't fit my cock in her mouth.
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I did Mechanical engineering in college so the girls in my classes were nearly nonexistent, however, there was one attractive girl. I spotted her from across the room on my first day of classes and when groups were selected for the Freshman projects course, she got placed in my group. It was on. After working together and getting her to laugh a lot over the following weeks, I found out she had a boyfriend. I had a few other options at the time, so I decided to pursue them instead. We remained friends throughout college and when she broke up with her boyfriend I decided it was time to strike. We were going to meet up later that night, but first I went to a frat party for some reason (very rare) so I got plenty of drinks in for maximum smoothness and confidence. On her way to pick me up I had just finished puking outside the frat and was in no shape to put the moves on anyone. I pulled myself together and got in her car and we were off to some party. The party ended up being about 5 mostly sober people, one of whom she was trying to hook up with. Even in my obliterated state, I could tell it wasn't going to happen in these awkward conditions. Feeling a combination of being cheated and my body telling me it was going to shut down I attempted the hail Mary, asking her to give me a ride home (and then you know get her to bone somehow from there). She pretty much poured cold water on that idea, and I decided it was time to bolt. Too drunk to think to take a taxi and too cold to walk home, I stumbled onto campus. I went to the top of one of the towers on campus and passed out on a pretty comfortable couch outside the professors offices. About 8 am the next day, I heard the elevator bell go off. I darted up and made it look like I wasn't a homeless intruder and walked home in overwhelming sunlight feeling ashamed.
We rarely hung out after that, but afther college she happened to be visiting the city I moved to after college and hit me up. Over the years, her looks declined and mine got better, but I still had unfinished business. I agreed to drinks with her and after meeting up and getting about 5 drinks in we were flirting enough that my friend used his sense to take a cab home and leave us alone. After getting pretty drunk she said she wanted to go back to her hotel and that I should take a taxi with her. In the car she whispered in my ear, "I want you to fuck me" and we were making out in the back of the cab like drunken idiots. We got up to her hotel room and I popped off her bra and we started making out and she grabbed my cock and had a change of heart. Now believe what you want about what changed her mind, but I know it wasn't because of size or anything. It was fucked up. I was about to bury the hatchet of a 6 year pursuit and had the hatchet ripped from my fucking hand at the final moment. Ya, this girl was my ultimate failure.
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^ You have my deepest condolences. Stay up playa.
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Water under the bridge, sir. Things are much better these days.
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I was up in MA this past weekend and toured Boston brewery. They only let me sample three beers. THREE BEERS.
the fuck? every brewery tour i've ever been on was like 5 minutes of some dude showing everyone a couple tanks and then 2 hours of everyone drinking themselves absolutely silly. what a gyp-job.
guinness brewery in dublin is the worst thing ever. you don't see the beer tanks or anything, just a museum showing old guinness as and stuff.
at the end they serve you a half pint for free. (as free as it can be when you've already paid 16 euros entry).
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10th grade I was at a Halloween party in a tiny little town. My instincts took over, I went for the "nurse" with the biggest tits.
We start making out and I'm all over her tits/ fingering her. After an attempt or two to get her into my truck (set up with mattress) it wasn't happening. Shot down.
Really late feeling defeated I head to my whip and try to sleep, few mins later this girl who liked me forever knocks on the window. We are sharing a sleeping bag at this point hooking up. She was blowing me and I kept reminding her TEETH! She literally couldn't fit my cock in her mouth. After like 10 mins of mild stuff her friends start banging on the window warning her about me. After that settled down she asked if I had condoms, MY F BAG GOT JACKED NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. I head inside in a frenzy waking up friends and finally got a couple jimmies. back in the truck and she's fully not into it anymore. She said it would hurt too much blah blah
I ended up jacking myself off right beside her
So this is a troll profile right?
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A couple years back I was convinced to go to this club with these 2 chicks and although 1 of them was a homey that I'd kicked it with before, the other just some girl I'd seen here and there that somewhat congregated in the same circle of friends as myself. the homey, who we'll call mary, was a good friend's ex that I had no interest in at all (even if she wasn't my friend's ex) and the other girl who we'll address as emma, was super fucking fine, she was a light skinned black chick with one of those amazing athletic bodies and ass for days. so we get inside and just hit the bar for a few drinks, mary and i had both just turned 21 while emma wasnt quite there yet so we order some liqour, get tipsy and then we get on the floor and just dance and whatever. it turns into emma getting more into me and next thing i know we're sweating all over each other as im groping the shit out of her ass and she's backing it up into my fully erect cock on some r kelly shit. at one point we headed to this upstairs level and she takes me by the hand tight so i'm thinking i'll end up smashing this chick by the end of the night, especially since i was at attention and there was no way in hell she didn't feel it, so all in all it was basically 2 hours of this girl ramming her perfect ass into my dick and when it came time to do or die i tried to talk her into coming back to my spot and see whats up. the city i lived in was where the club was at but the girls were about 45 minutes away in another town. emma drove mary and herself while i took my car up to the club and it was kinda difficult to work something out since emma was about it and mary was kinda being annoying and drunk, mary wasn't trying to hang out in my living room while i fucked her friend for the rest of the night nor was emma trying to spend an hour and half dropping whats her face off and then getting back to my house, so shit ended up just being me going home alone bummed as hell and I never hung out with either girls ever again.
being worlds smoother now than i was at that point in life, if i could revisit the situation i probably would just get emma's number and went to her place after she dropped off mary and handled shit or even actually chilled with her another day and then just somehow worked it in on a hangout. shoulda coula woulda though i guess.
this thread lets me know that i have too many "almost" stories lol
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so this happened to me a couple months back but me and my friend would just message random girls on facebook when we were drunk or bored (most of them dont reply i guess thats a failed attempt). This one girl who is kinda cute nothing special but she messaged me back saying she had a boyfriend so i gave up. She then messages me like a couple weeks later saying she just broke up with her boyfriend and wants to hang out, so we talked for a good 30 minutes on facebook till we exchange numbers and made plans to hang out one night. Well that night came and so i bought beer and she brings a friend, so we are just relaxing drinking and her friend seemed more interesting. Well i put some time in to this girl so i didnt really react to her friend plus her friend had a boyfriend anyway. So we are just drinking and talking and i am realizing this girl is just the worst, she told me she likes the show friends and not Seinfeld. She also doesnt finish her beer, she drinks half of it and says "yeah i dont like the butt" so she pretty much is wasting my beer. Well it was getting late so we leave my friends house and she drops me off and im drunk and didnt want to go home empty handed so i just lean in for the kiss and she denies me. Later i found out she only wanted to hang out with me because she was interested in my friend.
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I asked a girl out.
She said no.
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not really a failed or pathetic attempt, but some patheticness on my friends behalf for not seeing a potentially awesome opportunity.
it was a few years back and me and my two friends got tickets to see the arctic monkeys in columbus ohio. it was about a 4 hour drive there, so we made a day out of it. i was most excited to get there early and drink on the streets, probably because i just turned 21 and acting like a pile was kind of my thing at the time. so we get there, and theres a liquor store right across the street from the venue, so me and one of my buddies go grab half pints of cheep ass vodka then go get in line with my other buddy, who im pretty sure didnt drink the whole time. so we get in line and theres two girls in front of us, both very mediocre looking, but not bad at all. we shoot the shit with the girls, then they decide they want half pints too, so they went across the street while we saved their spot in line. blah blah blah, we talk for a while and they seemed pretty cool and were all having a good time. doors open and people scatter everywhere. me and my friends go to one side of the place and the girls go on the other. after the first band finishes they came back over by us and we talked more. i guess i was doing pretty good with one of them because she asked me to help her finish her vodka she snuck in, then she went and bought us both beers. i wasnt really trying because i knew we had to drive home after the show so i didnt think anything would ever happen if i tried. after the show was over they said they were staying the night in a hotel, but took a cab to the show and asked if we could drive them back to the hotel. i tell my friends and they seem down. so on the way out i stop at the merch booth and buy a shirt while everyone else goes outside. then when i go out, i see my friends across the street flagging me over and they say "hurry, were trying to ditch those girls!" and im like "why? dont you want to see if theyre going to invite us to their hotel room?" and they both said "no, those girls are gross!" or something like that. like i said, neither of these girls were beauty queens, but they were both decent. not fat, nothing really wrong with them, they were just mediocre chicks. and for three guys who werent getting laid on a regular basis, i thought they were perfectly acceptable. so anyways, we got in the car and drove the 4 hours home. now im not saying that if we did take them back to their room that we wouldve gotten laid, but fuck it. they were cool girls, we couldve easily just gotten a case of beer or a bottle of booze and seen where the night took us. it couldve been a really awesome night. its not like we wouldve ever seen them again. its not like any of us had major responsibilities that we needed to attend to early in the morning. my friends were just pussies.
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so I studied abroad in Barcelona which resulted in hundreds of these stories but this is top 5 for sure. my roommate had offered two girls from his home university studying in prague to stay at our apartment if they ever wanted to come see barca, expecting they wouldn't take him up on it. ones a bitch and incredibly demanding, and the other is pretty cute and shy. they get there Friday and the whole situation is pretty awkward because my roommate barely knows them. we drink fri and sat, I make a couple moves on the shy one and nothing happens. sunday we go to this bar and all get pretty drunk but not as drunk as fri or sat. this bar does specialty shots and one is called the monica Lewinski. basically its a giant dildo that fits around a beer and the bartender forcefully makes you suck it. me and my roommates put together 50 euros to get my roommate to do it. while watching my roommate the shy girl gets closer and closer to me, starting to rub her ass on my dick. I take a step back to see if its intentional and she continues so I just kinda smile and let her continue. a slightly awkward hour later we're in my bed, both down to underwear and she says she just wants to go to sleep
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Had my first one ever last night, for better or worse. Bound to happen sooner or later, right? Anyway, I went to a party at school that was mostly people from the cross-country team and I didn't really expect anything to happen since I don't really know any of the girls, and the ones I do I'm strictly friends with. However, there's one really cute girl on the team that I kind of know who was there, and also friends with my friends. We get introduced and start dancing a little. She dips out saying she has to go to the bathroom, so I think I already fucked it up. So now I'm sitting on the couch kinda bummed when she comes back up saying she's going to another party and grabs my hand for me to come also. We're having fun walking there and shit, just being playful, talking about Adventure Time and things. Get to the party, we start dancing and this time it's like legit dancing, really close and everything. I was for sure too into it and she probably wasn't or something because I think I scared her off. Not even sure though, because at one point she asked if I wanted to go back to the other party but her bitchass ugly friend said they were staying there, so maybe it was her fault. IDK. Then I spent a little bit of time kind of trying to chase her around, then was just like fuck it and left without saying anything. I should've just asked if she wanted to go watch Adventure Time when I had the chance.
I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself though because I've never really had to try to hookup with a girl before. Like it's just happened, if that makes any sense. Plus I'd been in a relationship for over a year before this and only started going to parties recently, so maybe I didn't do too bad? I guess it could have gone a lot better, but also a lot worse. I probably fucked up anything in the future with that girl though, which really sucks.
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Was texting all week with this girl who's a little taller than I am.. We were talking about the gym and body shapes a couple nights ago, when she says that she'd let me take her extra inches. I replied with, Or you can take mine. Haven`t heard back yet...
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you did all you could
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so I studied abroad in Barcelona which resulted in hundreds of these stories but this is top 5 for sure. my roommate had offered two girls from his home university studying in prague to stay at our apartment if they ever wanted to come see barca, expecting they wouldn't take him up on it. ones a bitch and incredibly demanding, and the other is pretty cute and shy. they get there Friday and the whole situation is pretty awkward because my roommate barely knows them. we drink fri and sat, I make a couple moves on the shy one and nothing happens. sunday we go to this bar and all get pretty drunk but not as drunk as fri or sat. this bar does specialty shots and one is called the monica Lewinski. basically its a giant dildo that fits around a beer and the bartender forcefully makes you suck it. me and my roommates put together 50 euros to get my roommate to do it. while watching my roommate the shy girl gets closer and closer to me, starting to rub her ass on my dick. I take a step back to see if its intentional and she continues so I just kinda smile and let her continue. a slightly awkward hour later we're in my bed, both down to underwear and she says she just wants to go to sleep
/thread
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My entire fucking life.
This :)
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My high school crush. I was hanging out with her during high school and she was over-friendly like sitting on my lap kissing my cheeks etc. However she had a boyfriend and he was like a family friend. Then right before finals she broke up with him but i wasnt into going for it cause this would fuck up our finals anyway.
Then at summer after school we got kinda lost. She went on backpacking Europe and i just skate toured the country with friends and we never happened to be at the same place the same time.
Results came in and we passed in the same university but different department. We met up after a long time and we went out. I was about to make a move when she told me that she met someone and she even showed me a photo to tell her what i think. My answer was bitter like "i thought you had taste". Then i got drunk at night and texted her and it was a disaster. I felt embarrassed the next day. I had a crush on her for 2-3 years after that but we never went out again.
My crush ultimately ended 2 years ago when she friended me in facebook and i saw that she was member/voting some neo-liberal party. Damn how stupid was I.
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Was texting all week with this girl who's a little taller than I am.. We were talking about the gym and body shapes a couple nights ago, when she says that she'd let me take her extra inches. I replied with, Or you can take mine. Haven`t heard back yet...
Bravo
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Was texting all week with this girl who's a little taller than I am.. We were talking about the gym and body shapes a couple nights ago, when she says that she'd let me take her extra inches. I replied with, Or you can take mine. Haven`t heard back yet...
Hahahahaha goddamn
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A guy I know went from Norway to Scotland to hit on a chick. The closest he got to any action was her head resting on his shoulder. Oh and the chick was seeing someone, but "failed" to mention it to him while it was there. I guess the total cost of the thing was around ~$650.
My favorite one was when I was fucking shitfaced (as always). Somehow I managed to talk to a cute girl at one club. Then I got kicked out for being too drunk, so I went across the street to another shitty club. Drank more. Went it was time to leave, I go out into the street with my homie and this cute girl is there. She says something along the lines of "if you remember my name then I'll let you come home with me". At that point I knew I was out of luck. I can't remember peoples names even if you put a gun to my head. So I fail miserably when I try a random name. She then gives me another shot with; "Maybe we can meet up tomorrow or something then? Get a coffe or something to eat."
I finish her off with "I can't afford you. I'm broke.". So she got pissed at me basically calling her a whore. I didn't even try to rephrase it when I realized how it came out.
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This reminds me of a chick i met at a bar and we had some good talk and gave me her phone. Then she gave me her number and i called her. We were talking about going to some place. She asked me what time i would pick her up and i answered: "Pick you up with the bus?" and she hung up. Apparently this girl doesnt like people without car, i expect that she would want me to pay for everything at the date. Fuck those women.
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This happened during the summer of 2009 right after a 2 year relationship ended.
My friends and I were at a bar down town, and somehow managed to start a conversation with these three girls. They were room mates, lived close by, and seemed really cool and down to earth. I ended up mainly talking to one of them who seemed really cool. Talked about music, she grew up around cars (which for me was really cool = instant win). We ended up talking about the shitty Howie Mandel show called "Howie Do It", where he pranks random people and then in the end pulls off a wig and they see that it's him. She ended up suggesting we cut out early and go watch a couple of episodes. Easy for me, watching a shitty show on a Friday night with a good looking girl = guaranteed sex. Turns out that's not always the case.
We ended up in her apartment (which was actually pretty nice), and I managed to play it cool during one shitty ass episode. Turned out she had like 10 episodes on her PVR (did this girl actually like this show?) During the second one, I decided to put on the moves, when she instantly hit the brakes. I had my arm around her, the other on her thigh, about to start making out with her when she says "what the FUCK are you doing? I just want to watch this show, get the fuck off of me." I was really taken aback, she seemed kinda into me, and was at least friendly.
She ended up lecturing me for the next 10 minutes about rape, how wrong it was for me to just assume that she was into hooking up with me when she had only invited me over to hang out. She was going on and on about how she was tired of males assuming power roles in society and all of this other severe bullshit. I remember her going on about how pathetic women are for allowing men to penetrate them because it's always rape, pregnancy is prolonged torture/rape, when you give birth you are raped by the grown sperm of the man and all this craaaaaazy shit.
I think I was in so much shock that I just sat there for about 10-15 minutes, just listening, trying to understand what the fuck was happening. I was expecting her to pull off her wig and turn into Howie fucking Mandel, but that didn't happen. I said "what the fuck?" and got the hell out of there. Luckily, she lived really close to this place with killer pizza called Dany's, so I grabbed two slices of spinach and garlic pizza and biked back home.
The next day, I charged my phone and called one of my friends. He told me that as soon as I left, the other two girls basically gave them the cold shoulder and pretty much jetted for no apparent reason. I guess they were all in on it, and just got a kick out of messing around with people's heads. I don't even know.
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This happened during the summer of 2009 right after a 2 year relationship ended.
My friends and I were at a bar down town, and somehow managed to start a conversation with these three girls. They were room mates, lived close by, and seemed really cool and down to earth. I ended up mainly talking to one of them who seemed really cool. Talked about music, she grew up around cars (which for me was really cool = instant win). We ended up talking about the shitty Howie Mandel show called "Howie Do It", where he pranks random people and then in the end pulls off a wig and they see that it's him. She ended up suggesting we cut out early and go watch a couple of episodes. Easy for me, watching a shitty show on a Friday night with a good looking girl = guaranteed sex. Turns out that's not always the case.
We ended up in her apartment (which was actually pretty nice), and I managed to play it cool during one shitty ass episode. Turned out she had like 10 episodes on her PVR (did this girl actually like this show?) During the second one, I decided to put on the moves, when she instantly hit the brakes. I had my arm around her, the other on her thigh, about to start making out with her when she says "what the FUCK are you doing? I just want to watch this show, get the fuck off of me." I was really taken aback, she seemed kinda into me, and was at least friendly.
She ended up lecturing me for the next 10 minutes about rape, how wrong it was for me to just assume that she was into hooking up with me when she had only invited me over to hang out. She was going on and on about how she was tired of males assuming power roles in society and all of this other severe bullshit. I remember her going on about how pathetic women are for allowing men to penetrate them because it's always rape, pregnancy is prolonged torture/rape, when you give birth you are raped by the grown sperm of the man and all this craaaaaazy shit.
I think I was in so much shock that I just sat there for about 10-15 minutes, just listening, trying to understand what the fuck was happening. I was expecting her to pull off her wig and turn into Howie fucking Mandel, but that didn't happen. I said "what the fuck?" and got the hell out of there. Luckily, she lived really close to this place with killer pizza called Dany's, so I grabbed two slices of spinach and garlic pizza and biked back home.
The next day, I charged my phone and called one of my friends. He told me that as soon as I left, the other two girls basically gave them the cold shoulder and pretty much jetted for no apparent reason. I guess they were all in on it, and just got a kick out of messing around with people's heads. I don't even know.
I was really hoping that's where this was going.
That was the best part for me too Luke.
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I had my arm around her, the other on her thigh, about to start making out with her when she says "what the FUCK are you doing? I just want to watch this show, get the fuck off of me."
This is the stuff nightmares are made of