I have schizophrenia. I have spent four years of my life in hospitals. I had straight A's in the honors program at a college. My episodes kept taking me out of school and jobs to where I could never advance. I ended up homeless after my parents divorced last year. I had to fight to survive in homeless shelters and literally walking miles to and from a shitty job just to rent a room in the literal ghetto. I met the love of my life when she moved in across the street, she changed my view on everything. Disability keeps screwing me around, I don't think I"ll get it. I have a job now but it's not enough to satisfy her. I was never able to get my degree because of my illness or move up in jobs because I kept going to the hospital, even though I proved in school that I can do anything before it all happened.
My dad may let me move to Missouri with him. I never got to have a relationship with a girl I truly loved that I wanted to be with because of the illness either. It took away the last one when she couldn't wait on me in a hospital after I was with her three years. I'm realizing that I won't be able to make enough money to do what needs to be done. I completely kill myself but it does not matter I'm starting to see. I don't want to run away, but if I can't do any more then I may have to leave the best thing that ever happened to me probably to be completely alone with an alcoholic father. I contemplated suicide last night, and if I would have had the things to do it with I would have done it. I still might. Knowing that you will never be able to get ahead in life because you can have another schizophrenic episode and the only means of support in society is disability which they make us the last on their list, I am beginning to see that there really is no point anymore. I can't get ahead even if I work for it, and nobody really understands, and honestly if I will never be able to be worth anything I guess that I may as well accept reality and get the fuck out of here. It doesn't matter if I'm smart and work hard, if I can never do anything beyond making pennies, I'll never be able to have anything worth a damn in life or get to use my potential and talents. Fuck it.
I'm really sorry and troubled to hear about this and I'm pleading that you do not do anything to harm yourself. I realize I don't know what you're going through but I can sincerely say that there are people who care about you and your life will get better than how it feels at the moment.
My best advice that I can give you is to remain around people you can trust to take care of you. You mentioned your dad is an alcoholic and that might be too much for you to handle right now. If you can live comfortably with your mom, grandparents, or any relative, it might be better to contact them.
As far as your relationship with your girlfriend, I don't think a money issue will destroy it. While it is obviously a point of stress for her, I think you can work something out and it won't be the ultimate factor. I realize I'm speaking from a distance, but you might be better off moving out of her place to a cheaper one if you can, so you don't have to deal with the added pressure of keeping enough money.
Consider looking for remote online jobs. My sister wrote for a blog called collegecandy.com where she was paid $10 per post. Her roommate at the time made all of her income from blurb-writing and stuff to that effect. Also consider informal side jobs. A friend runs his own landscaping business that gets odd jobs primarily from craigslist. That way, an employer isn't depending on you to keep regular hours when there is the danger of having an episode.
Again, I don't know what you're going through, but I know someone suffering from schizophrenia and I see her continually making self-destructive decisions and avoiding medication and it's heartbreaking.
On that note, are you taking any medication? How does it make you feel?
If you need to speak to anyone, I don't think I'm in as good of a position as a close friend or relative, or your girlfriend for that matter, but feel free to pm me.
Topic: Things You Are Not Stoked On (Read 1882497 times)