This is more of a "in case of emergency break glass" kind of thing but I figured I would share in the event that it helps anyone. If you have a real fucking mess to take care of, the shower is your best option. I call it the American Bidet. It's all about efficiency, just train yourself to shit before your shower then you can double down on the hygiene by warming up with some paper and then scrubbing down in the shower. On to the emergency scenario..
So I travel every now and again for work and in this case I was in Las Vegas for a tradeshow. It had been a typical week of early morning skate sessions, random restaurant/catering food and the occasional beer or three. So it's toward the end of the week and I am feeling fine but apparently Cthulu was just waiting in the darkness. So I head out for dinner and decide to call it an early night since I had a bunch of stuff to do the next day. I am heading back to the hotel with a group of people from work and it's early, even by non-Vegas standards. So we walk in the hotel and are walking through the casino and are getting close to the bar and elevators. I felt fine and felt a little air biscuit stewing and decided to let it creep out while we are walking so as to harmlessly crop dust all the old timers dying in front of the slot machines. Not in the cards. This was the sneakiest ninja motherfucker shart I have ever had in my life. I went from absolutely zero gastrointestinal distress to completely shitting my pants in an instant. Timing was perfect though as we had just hit the bar/elevator cross road. The question was raised, "Anybody want to grab a beer?" and I ducked out with a quick "I'm good, catch ya'll tomorrow" and rush towards an open elevator like the only reason I was rushing was because the door was about to close. I breathe a sigh of relief as I watch the doors close and nobody else had hopped in. They would have been in for a treat.
I got to my room stripped down and realized that this was a wrong that 2-ply wasn't going to right. After a quick shower I was faced with the reality of the shitty underwear staring back at me from the bathroom floor. I sure as hell wasn't going to let those things marinate in my room, windows don't open, so I ran out and dumped them in the nearest trash can which happened to be in front of the elevators. The beauty was that everyone on my floor got to end their night walking off the elevator into a cloud of my shit stink and the same deal for the morning crowd.
I couldn't look at the trash can without laughing my ass off and took the picture below for posterity. Shine on you crazy sphincter...
Long story short, there is something to be said for showers being right next to toilets.