Author Topic: you laugh you lose  (Read 80782 times)

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Watson

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #30 on: April 20, 2009, 05:42:53 PM »



Tko788

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #31 on: April 20, 2009, 08:03:12 PM »

SFblah

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #32 on: April 20, 2009, 10:10:28 PM »



Doctor Newton

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #33 on: April 20, 2009, 10:44:29 PM »



















« Last Edit: April 20, 2009, 11:09:02 PM by Doctor Newton »

starvingrobot

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #34 on: April 21, 2009, 12:44:08 PM »
HOLY SHIT!!!

Pug Life

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #35 on: April 22, 2009, 06:34:16 AM »




This is pretty terrifying.  It's possible that this image will haunt my dreams and/or future birthday celebrations.

SleepyPeePee

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #36 on: April 22, 2009, 02:26:36 PM »
this is the ultimate thread...

i love it..

PS. i lost a bunch already
would you rather hear "woo" from the omar salazar pack? i wouldn't. their "yeahs" are genuine, and cool. "yeah" has been the battle cry of skaters for as long as i can remember.

poocrusher

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #37 on: April 22, 2009, 03:48:21 PM »
Some old ones, but good ones.



« Last Edit: April 23, 2009, 12:01:01 AM by poocrusher »

ice nine

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #38 on: April 22, 2009, 03:51:02 PM »



i dont get it? her aunt and uncle are fans of incest and have ugly kids as a result?
I;m sure i;m not the only dc/monster/subaru type guy here

Livin The Psychedelic Lif

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #39 on: April 22, 2009, 06:07:00 PM »
toooooo good.....

gentle.

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #40 on: April 22, 2009, 07:44:43 PM »
I'm a fat fuck but somehow i still get chicks?

u b drinkin and b drivin? dat makes you like a millinaire glitter pimp daddy

FUCK RULES!

kilgore.

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #41 on: April 22, 2009, 07:46:53 PM »
I'm a fat fuck but somehow i still get chicks?


i lost this game almost a year ago....
No holds barred, til labias say "free us"
then its straight to your kids' school, wine coolers in the Prius

BabyKillaSeason

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #42 on: April 23, 2009, 12:00:34 AM »
doctor newton is killing it and i lost the game already.

Doctor Newton

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #43 on: April 23, 2009, 12:02:11 AM »










Doctor Newton

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #44 on: April 23, 2009, 12:12:09 AM »











tonycoxhox

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #45 on: April 23, 2009, 12:21:38 AM »
try not to laugh at THIS

"we were going digital, ignoring all but the most core matter from history and focusing on the most complicated structures in order to make our lives more simple, but we could not escape from the cage, the past, and "reality" so we surrendered to short term drug euphoria." - John Albertson (on LSD)

busey

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #46 on: April 23, 2009, 07:31:39 AM »

I rolled my ankle jacking off on a ladder.

BabyKillaSeason

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #47 on: April 23, 2009, 08:49:57 AM »
i'm totally that dude hanging out in the commons area looking at his computer laughing by himself.

Doctor Newton

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #48 on: April 24, 2009, 12:12:59 AM »













Doctor Newton

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #49 on: April 24, 2009, 12:32:39 AM »
« Last Edit: April 24, 2009, 10:58:37 AM by Doctor Newton »

Battle

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #50 on: April 24, 2009, 01:28:23 AM »

CaptainMorganFreeman

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #51 on: April 24, 2009, 01:39:03 AM »

angryfacedman

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anblue

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #53 on: April 24, 2009, 06:56:45 AM »
i'm totally that dude hanging out in the commons area looking at his computer laughing by himself.
same here i just lost it while everyone had to be quiet and make excel spread sheets
Who the fuck spends more than $5 at taco bell?
Being liked on slap is the only award

Choad Muskrat

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #54 on: April 24, 2009, 08:06:19 AM »















7777777

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #55 on: April 24, 2009, 09:43:42 AM »
a buddy sent me this




lenny

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #56 on: April 24, 2009, 10:06:48 AM »

Doctor Newton

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #57 on: April 24, 2009, 10:10:31 AM »
Holy fuck.  Dunecat and homeboy chillin on the coaster got me.








Read this story, not mine but hilarious:

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.



One of many Tucker Max stories:

I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.

A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."

I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.

THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!

Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.

I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!," and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not.

I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can't seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn't face the lobby. It's about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby.

It is hard to describe, so let me give you an aerial picture of what the lobby looks like:



I turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my ass cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life.

I nearly bust the door off it's hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, "AYYYY!!," that almost literally scares the shit out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor's closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor.

I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants:

Tucker "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"
Janitor "No, no se habla Ingles."
Tucker "WHAT?!? Huh, uh...DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?"
Janitor "AYA, AYA!"

She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large "Restroom" sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby.

I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-ass sprint.

I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don't think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement.

Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this:

-20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag.
-30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
-40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together.
-50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears.

By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it.

I am shitting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers.

I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. Shit is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my ass is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes.

During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of shit, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds.

By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from shitting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of shit that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place.

Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don't laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, "Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?"

My question is immediately answered.

I see a trail of shit, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor.

Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the fuck just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries.

Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-ass naked, crap plastered all over my ass, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid shit leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation.

I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator.

From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere.

Come to think of it, she wasn't sobbing. I believe "hysterical crying" would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as shit isn't going to be me.

When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out,

SlingBlade "Where--where the fuck are your pants?"
Tucker "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN SHIT!"

He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:

"This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"
« Last Edit: April 24, 2009, 10:46:48 AM by Doctor Newton »

Pug Life

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #58 on: April 24, 2009, 12:54:22 PM »







tough omelette

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #59 on: April 24, 2009, 01:55:11 PM »