Author Topic: you laugh you lose  (Read 80792 times)

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Lurkenstock

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #60 on: April 24, 2009, 02:10:30 PM »


This is the best one so far.

Ronald Wilson Reagan

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #61 on: April 25, 2009, 02:51:53 AM »
Stripper in front of family picture reminds me of something I saw today. In burger king, pimp with 3 hideous hoes getting into an argument. They get crazy and start telling him they are gonna buy him a drink (which is ass backwards in pimping world) and laughing at them. He shoos them out the door then walks up to a large family who look dissapointed in him. I assumed the blatant pimping in front of their kids was horrifying them. Then the pimp turns to the family, and I swear to god, looks at the woman and says "I'm sorry mama." She replies "You get back there and straighten this out before you start losing money." Seeing a pimp altercation is usually amazing, but that was legendary. Don't know if it translates to a story, but I can't stop laughing about the insanity over and over in my head

And this story wins. Its probably fake, but I prefer to believe it isn't.
Are you a kook? If you would say this, the answer is “YES”
I quit skating for a time due to piling out

cops keep firing

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #62 on: April 27, 2009, 12:59:02 PM »


topiary at a valve and fitting company in portland, oregon.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2009, 01:01:23 PM by cops keep firing »
I mean, if the creator of the universe is truly concerned with where you put your penis, then surely he has an opinion on who had the best part in Fully Flared.

scootboard

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #63 on: June 24, 2009, 01:33:22 PM »

Guile

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #64 on: June 24, 2009, 01:36:13 PM »
aaaaaaaaaaaand i lost.
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Bugs

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #65 on: June 24, 2009, 01:48:42 PM »
I didn't laugh shit is weak, forum for cowards.

starvingrobot

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #66 on: June 24, 2009, 02:14:29 PM »

Cookie Monster

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #67 on: June 24, 2009, 03:28:05 PM »
^^ omg wtf ha ha ha

frisco

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #68 on: June 24, 2009, 03:42:59 PM »


i just lost so bad



thank you ceeymar for introducing me to this gem

Cookie Monster

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #69 on: June 24, 2009, 03:49:23 PM »

Flume

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #70 on: June 24, 2009, 07:19:07 PM »






EricLogan

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #71 on: June 24, 2009, 08:15:27 PM »
I rarely venture into classic slap and the one time I do it I find a guy getting his dick eaten by a dolphin.

DevilOnEnzyte

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #72 on: June 24, 2009, 08:48:03 PM »
I'm at a loss for words.

And I lost on the first page.
I get to see Devil semi regularly and his little dude is rad as hell. My wife and I aren't into having little ones, but that'll give me more time to be a god uncle and teach Devil's spawn to slang weed.

killing time

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #73 on: June 24, 2009, 10:22:45 PM »



[/quote


i couldnt stop laughing at this one
Do you want to put a saddle on the lion of Juddah and ride it back to babylon?

Pabst

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #74 on: June 25, 2009, 10:38:25 AM »

Locbrew

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #75 on: June 25, 2009, 10:49:24 AM »


I just lost.


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ALT

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #76 on: June 25, 2009, 12:32:03 PM »

krookedjuice

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #77 on: June 25, 2009, 01:03:06 PM »

antwuangavemeakiss

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #78 on: June 25, 2009, 09:55:14 PM »
Mom cancels WOW account


lenny

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #79 on: June 27, 2009, 01:53:09 PM »
^^ that was amazing.

McCly

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #80 on: June 27, 2009, 02:11:46 PM »
^^

lol @ boner & remote in ass

tough omelette

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #81 on: June 27, 2009, 02:31:50 PM »
remote in ass = failed time travel.

Guile

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #82 on: June 27, 2009, 03:20:31 PM »
care of the best poster in slap history


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EricLogan

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #83 on: June 28, 2009, 04:10:31 AM »
I rarely venture into classic slap and the one time I do it I find a guy getting his dick eaten by a dolphin.

SFblah

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #84 on: June 28, 2009, 09:00:33 AM »
Holy shit this 10 yr old kid is pissed.  See the photo at the end that caused it.


McCly

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #85 on: June 28, 2009, 09:31:51 AM »
holy shit hahaha.

alrightythen

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #86 on: October 21, 2009, 02:06:12 AM »

One of many Tucker Max stories:

I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.

A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."

I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.

THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!

Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.

I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!," and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not.

I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can't seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn't face the lobby. It's about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby.

It is hard to describe, so let me give you an aerial picture of what the lobby looks like:



I turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my ass cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life.

I nearly bust the door off it's hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, "AYYYY!!," that almost literally scares the shit out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor's closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor.

I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants:

Tucker "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"
Janitor "No, no se habla Ingles."
Tucker "WHAT?!? Huh, uh...DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?"
Janitor "AYA, AYA!"

She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large "Restroom" sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby.

I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-ass sprint.

I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don't think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement.

Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this:

-20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag.
-30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
-40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together.
-50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears.

By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it.

I am shitting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers.

I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. Shit is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my ass is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes.

During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of shit, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds.

By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from shitting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of shit that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place.

Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don't laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, "Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?"

My question is immediately answered.

I see a trail of shit, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor.

Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the fuck just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries.

Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-ass naked, crap plastered all over my ass, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid shit leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation.

I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator.

From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere.

Come to think of it, she wasn't sobbing. I believe "hysterical crying" would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as shit isn't going to be me.

When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out,

SlingBlade "Where--where the fuck are your pants?"
Tucker "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN SHIT!"

He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:

"This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"

I litterally cried

alrightythen

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #87 on: October 21, 2009, 02:10:25 AM »

zere duim skater

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #88 on: October 21, 2009, 05:11:36 AM »
I'm a loser.
Can anyone tell me how i can copy gifs and post them elsewhere?

420

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Re: you laugh you lose
« Reply #89 on: October 21, 2009, 06:05:01 AM »
This thread kills! Lol'd many times