Author Topic: Awkward Sexual Experiences  (Read 462379 times)

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CoMpLeMenTs4Uonlysometime

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2040 on: March 17, 2019, 01:06:23 AM »
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Hooked up with a homeless chick outside of a bar once.
God I’m so fucking lucky I didn’t get an STD from that.
She didn’t really mention she was homeless until we had been making out already.
[close]

Did you raw her or something? Also homeless as in sleeping in her car or out on the streets kinda homeless?
[close]
Well I had a condon but we didn’t end up having sex, she gave me a few condomless sucks, I was pretty faded on booze and Xanax so I couldn’t get a proper boner which is why we didn’t have sex.

Made out and touched for a long time.

Like sleeping in the streets homeless.

I went outside of the bar to smoke a cig, she commented on my bright eyes shirt and asked if I had weed to smoke. we went to my car to smoke and ended up starting to make out etc.
At some point she said she was homeless and I saw she had a goofy walk and was thin but maybe had like scoliosis.

She also mentioned she had recently had a baby but “the doctor sewed her up real good”

God damn this is the most regrettable shit in my life lol.

Xanax makes you do the worst shit.

So my friend was in the bar doing karaoke and also wasted like me, I go Back in The bar once me and the girl stopped trying to bang, she mentions “they said I’m not allowed to go in there”
I go to get my friend and I’m trying to explain that we need to gtfo because she thinks she’s coming home with me so she can have a place to sleep.
It was so hard to get him out of that bar( he couldn’t really comprehend the situation) but we ran out eventually the car fast and she tried to run and get in the car but I locked the doors, my friend tossed out her bag at her and we split and last thing I hear is he had whiskey dick I’ll do both of you

Also another gross af quote
oh you have a condom, corpus guys never like to wear condoms

She did look cute in my wasted state.
I drove home of course I absolutely should not have been driving in my condition.
When I got home I soaked my junk in a cup full of listerine to try to kill any potential germs.

I haven’t revisited this story in my mind for like 8 years.
Reading this story was an incredible journey. I can't imagine what living it was like, 10/10

EAT PUSSY!

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2041 on: March 18, 2019, 03:23:47 AM »
I didn't know listerine was good to kill STD germs...

johnes

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2042 on: March 18, 2019, 06:36:13 AM »
I didn't know listerine was good to kill STD germs...
If you’re starting to get a sore throat, gargling listerine ever couple hours can actually prevent it from escalating to more of a sore throat.
I’m a fat Siamese cat.

baroque_0bama

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2043 on: March 18, 2019, 01:14:44 PM »
I've been eating a lot of pizza as of late (through a new job), so my stomach's been a little backed up. I met a nice lady after work one night a couple weeks ago and she invites me back to her place. We start hooking and stuff and then she starts sucking me of. When it comes time to nut I let out a ferocious beer and pizza fart while shes giving me head. So I made a big mess on her face and then she takes a step back and starts to gag from the smell. I felt pretty embarrassed, but she's a trooper and we've been going steady ever since.

johnes

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2044 on: March 19, 2019, 06:03:01 AM »
I remembered another thing talking about it with my friends this morning.
My friend Sean had kept telling me I should try to find her on Facebook (the day after it happened)since she liked bright eyes and seemed to like me, I hid the homeless part from all my friends.
I kept telling him, nah I’m not gonna try to find her on Facebook, but it was because I knew she wouldn’t have one or have a phone/computer.
Funny that I mentioned that I couldn’t get a boner to my friends but not that she was homeless.

Oh! I was also a virgin at this point.
That hints at to how late I lost my virginity since this was a bar in the US.
I’m a fat Siamese cat.

h00man

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2045 on: March 19, 2019, 11:16:12 AM »

Oh! I was also a virgin at this point.
That hints at to how late I lost my virginity since this was a bar in the US.


Would've been a great tale if you lost your virginity to a homeless girl
she can ride dick ham ham no joke ham

saucy ragu

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2046 on: March 22, 2019, 10:53:30 AM »
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Here's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:

My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.


Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.


The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!

Apparently I had misheard the night before.
[close]

If he lost his gum while going down on her, how did it end up in her hair?
[close]

not that hair
[close]

Kids these days have never met a girl who doesn't wax?

Just an embarrassing lapse in cohesion, the context is glaringly obvious now. My only defense is that I've never experienced anyone refer to their pubes as "their hair"; that's been typically reserved for the noggin.
Quote from: brent
sorrymom, when 112 sing to you what kinda feelin do it bring to you?

johnes

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2047 on: March 22, 2019, 03:53:55 PM »
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Here's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:

My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.


Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.


The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!

Apparently I had misheard the night before.
[close]

If he lost his gum while going down on her, how did it end up in her hair?
[close]

not that hair
[close]

Kids these days have never met a girl who doesn't wax?
[close]

Just an embarrassing lapse in cohesion, the context is glaringly obvious now. My only defense is that I've never experienced anyone refer to their pubes as "their hair"; that's been typically reserved for the noggin.
See I just thought he had gone up to kiss her and her body/neck and dropped it in her head at while caught up in the moment.
I too didn’t think he meant pubes lol.
I’m a fat Siamese cat.

slobplant

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2048 on: March 22, 2019, 05:29:12 PM »
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Here's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:

My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.


Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.


The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!

Apparently I had misheard the night before.
[close]

If he lost his gum while going down on her, how did it end up in her hair?
[close]

not that hair
[close]

Kids these days have never met a girl who doesn't wax?
[close]

Just an embarrassing lapse in cohesion, the context is glaringly obvious now. My only defense is that I've never experienced anyone refer to their pubes as "their hair"; that's been typically reserved for the noggin.
[close]
See I just thought he had gone up to kiss her and her body/neck and dropped it in her head at while caught up in the moment.
I too didn’t think he meant pubes lol.
How you gonna chew gum and eat pussy at the same time?

L33Tg33k

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2049 on: March 24, 2019, 07:11:52 AM »
I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.
Before you say the music sucked, have you considered shutting the fuck up?

johnes

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2050 on: March 25, 2019, 06:51:56 AM »
I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.
If you sticka banana up your butt, the potassium can prevent cramps.
I’m a fat Siamese cat.

Abyss1

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2051 on: March 25, 2019, 07:36:23 AM »
I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.

Wow ...you jack off to hentai...and got cramps whilst doing this...go to JAVidol.com. They have real Japanese hardcore and cosplay porn

the snake

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2052 on: March 25, 2019, 08:50:23 AM »
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I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.
[close]
If you sticka banana up your butt, the potassium can prevent cramps.
yeah, or more, just gang bananang your ass, dude, more effective potassium insemination
« Last Edit: March 25, 2019, 08:51:58 AM by the snake »

L33Tg33k

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2053 on: March 25, 2019, 12:14:37 PM »
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I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.
[close]

Wow ...you jack off to hentai...and got cramps whilst doing this...go to JAVidol.com. They have real Japanese hardcore and cosplay porn
Hentai, Brazilian scat, pegging, female bodybuilders...
Look, I could've been watching any of these things at the time. That is hardly the matter at hand. I take potassium supplements and I get cramps all the time. Sometimes when I masturbate.
Before you say the music sucked, have you considered shutting the fuck up?

Hercules Rockefeller

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2054 on: March 25, 2019, 12:25:28 PM »
Hentai, Brazilian scat, pegging, female bodybuilders...
Look, I could've been watching any of these things at the time. That is hardly the matter at hand. I take potassium supplements and I get cramps all the time. Sometimes when I masturbate.

very well played.

jakeumms

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2055 on: March 25, 2019, 01:56:31 PM »
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I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.
[close]

Wow ...you jack off to hentai...and got cramps whilst doing this...go to JAVidol.com. They have real Japanese hardcore and cosplay porn
[close]
Hentai, Brazilian scat, pegging, female bodybuilders...
Look, I could've been watching any of these things at the time. That is hardly the matter at hand. I take potassium supplements and I get cramps all the time. Sometimes when I masturbate.

How much magnesium are you getting? I have problems with back and abdominal cramps and taking a supplement has helped. That, bananas and proper sleep are the ticket for me.
them cats are out getting mashed up to jungle, he's out mashing up jungle cats. it's just not gonna work.

Abyss1

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2056 on: March 25, 2019, 03:03:03 PM »
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I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.
[close]

Wow ...you jack off to hentai...and got cramps whilst doing this...go to JAVidol.com. They have real Japanese hardcore and cosplay porn
[close]
Hentai, Brazilian scat, pegging, female bodybuilders...
Look, I could've been watching any of these things at the time. That is hardly the matter at hand. I take potassium supplements and I get cramps all the time. Sometimes when I masturbate.

the fuck...no wonder why you need to pay for sex.  You need some Shalom in your life

SpankerChief

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2057 on: March 25, 2019, 04:14:57 PM »
my elderly mum whom I am estranged to just detailed a daunting and cringeworthy tale of doing coke bumps off my dad's dick.  I was trying to be as nice as possible but she is hard of hearing so I spent most of the time making fun as I didn't want to hear a single sentence. sooooooo awkward.
[ url ]http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2011/09/mind_blown.gif[ / url ]

Owen

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2058 on: March 25, 2019, 08:24:48 PM »
my elderly mum whom I am estranged to just detailed a daunting and cringeworthy tale of doing coke bumps off my dad's dick.  I was trying to be as nice as possible but she is hard of hearing so I spent most of the time making fun as I didn't want to hear a single sentence. sooooooo awkward.

http://youtu.be/-P0r-aRilNQ
Jorts
Anklets
Rat tails
Sling shots
Toe rings
Shuv it tail grabs
Jump ramps

Dwyck

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2059 on: March 25, 2019, 09:10:09 PM »
l33tg33k if you ever want to find love you have to stop looking at porno. I'm serious it's really bad for some people.
Regular stance is a mental disorder defined by the DSM-5

Gray Imp Sausage Metal

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2060 on: March 25, 2019, 10:50:24 PM »
l33tg33k if you ever want to find love you have to stop looking at porno. I'm serious it's really bad for some people.
yeah, your genres/ searches don't really sound too healthy for a first timer either...

Impish sausage is definitely gonna blow up as a euphemism this year

jakeumms

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2061 on: March 25, 2019, 10:59:21 PM »
This one's for you L33Tg33k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=er6OYKP20n0

Talk to kinky people on the internet and it'll all work out.
them cats are out getting mashed up to jungle, he's out mashing up jungle cats. it's just not gonna work.

L33Tg33k

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2062 on: March 27, 2019, 01:15:03 PM »
You guys mean to tell me the first thing I say to a woman shouldn't be a request for them to put on a fur suit and shit on my chest? That's dishonest. If that's type of world we live in, then I don't want to live in it at all.
Before you say the music sucked, have you considered shutting the fuck up?

ungzilla

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2063 on: March 27, 2019, 01:45:40 PM »
definitely lead with that actually

GOKU

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2064 on: March 27, 2019, 05:25:43 PM »
You guys mean to tell me the first thing I say to a woman shouldn't be a request for them to put on a fur suit and shit on my chest? That's dishonest. If that's type of world we live in, then I don't want to live in it at all.

I like the cut of your jib, my lad!

Bagelskate

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2065 on: March 27, 2019, 05:31:09 PM »
You guys mean to tell me the first thing I say to a woman shouldn't be a request for them to put on a fur suit and shit on my chest? That's dishonest. If that's type of world we live in, then I don't want to live in it at all.

Do you cut holes in the suit?

NegativeCreep

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2066 on: March 27, 2019, 05:33:48 PM »
I would make holes as I go.

jakeumms

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2067 on: March 27, 2019, 05:39:16 PM »
C'mon it's a sex suit of course the holes are already there.
them cats are out getting mashed up to jungle, he's out mashing up jungle cats. it's just not gonna work.

wiggitywiggity

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2068 on: March 27, 2019, 11:01:16 PM »
Alright back to the matter of hand, more stories of homeless sexual encounters.

Bagelskate

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Re: Awkward Sexual Experiences
« Reply #2069 on: March 28, 2019, 04:15:26 AM »
Mascot costumes are real expensive, are furry ones cheaper??