pathetic & failed attempts @ sexual relations

[TheFreshSC]

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We then play Mario Carts and she leaves. So disappointing. i didn't even kick her ass in Mario Carts.

[close]

The pluralization makes me giggle.

New Years, 2-3 years ago. Bouncing around to some parties, my best friend Jimmy was sober cabing.(As in, lots o weed, zero alcohol)

We end up at a hotel party. We decided to stay, Jimmy starts putting back shots. There's this girl who was DESPERATE for something. Thing is that she's my friends ex, and I try to have some morals haha. 3am and people are passing out. There's a couple in the other bed, so me, jimmy, and this chick are sharing one. She ends up taking off everything but her panties. I was drunk as fuck and jus praying that she would touch my dick, cuz if you don't make the first move, it's ok I guess haha.
 
That didn't happen. The bedtime situation turned into an awkward, half naked chick needing pancakes, but no one wants to cook moment. So... I ended up grabbing her right breast, gave it a good squeeze (out came a giggle) then I reached across her, grabbed Jimmy's hand and put it on the other. Then I stared Jimmy in the eyes, we had a bro-moment.

I know we both weren't into her sober... So I got up, told her how amazing her breasts and ass are, and dragged jimmy outta there. I ended up driving us back home hammered.

Didn't wanna wake up the next day, with too much of a "I'm a douche" taste in my mouth.
Though driving way drunk probably puts me in that category.

[close]

Yes, if a majorly slanted bitch starts churning you for some butter while you're stone sober, you're allowed to let her continue guilt free because, hell, she's straight enough to know what she's doing right?

you are correct, sir

[Stoeipoes]

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anal sucks. it's the most gayest thing you can do with a girl.

[close]

tag team cocksucking a dick seems a little gayer than sticking your penis in a chicks ass. but hey dude, your call.

[close]

what's gay about getting your dick sucked by 2 chicks?

[close]

haha you know i meant 2 dudes sucking 1 dick. either way, im down to try anal, but my girl is more opposed to it than anyone ive ever met. oh well.

[close]

Maybe it sucked because I had a condom on and it only got halfway in. Maybe a full anal session soon.

[close]

see you soon!

No lube, condom and you're the taker. You're gonna get it bitch!

[Giovanni Falcone]

I was at a stop light, and this hot chick rolled up next to me. I adjusted my shoulder and put my right hand on the wheel. Turned up the radio slightly, turned my head, and gave the head nod.

The light changed, and she took a left and I was going straight.

[gnarnel]

This is probably the best thread ive ever read, thank you slap!

[jimi420]

Valentines Day. This girl comes over and we kick it and watch Cash Cab. She says "I'll be back in a minute," and goes to the bathroom. I stay there on the couch and continue to watch Cash Cab. She comes back in wearing this sexy ass black lingerie complete with a thong. So she walks behind me and starts biting my ear and i continue to watch Cash Cab. She then pushes me over and straddles me while i keep my eyes on the television. She starts biting my lip and kissing me and shit and all the while I'm looking at the tv. She then goes down and starts sucking my dick and licking my balls. She's getting into it and just goes all out. She then puts my dick in her and starts riding. As she's doing this the Cabbie (It's some new chick that looks exactly like the original guy,) asks the question "What tusked animal is only legally allowed to be hunted by Eskimos or Natives of the north?" My chick leans down to kiss me and right as her lips touch mine i say "Walrus." She then sits straight up and exclaims, "Really? You're still paying attention to the damn TV?" to which i reply, "I take Cash Cab very seriously." She then puts her clothes back on and leaves. I lay there with my wiener hanging out until it's over then call her and tell her to come back. She does. Then i smash her to bits.

Is that considered a fail on my part or hers?

[Stoeipoes]

Valentines Day. This girl comes over and we kick it and watch Cash Cab. She says "I'll be back in a minute," and goes to the bathroom. I stay there on the couch and continue to watch Cash Cab. She comes back in wearing this sexy ass black lingerie complete with a thong. So she walks behind me and starts biting my ear and i continue to watch Cash Cab. She then pushes me over and straddles me while i keep my eyes on the television. She starts biting my lip and kissing me and shit and all the while I'm looking at the tv. She then goes down and starts sucking my dick and licking my balls. She's getting into it and just goes all out. She then puts my dick in her and starts riding. As she's doing this the Cabbie (It's some new chick that looks exactly like the original guy,) asks the question "What tusked animal is only legally allowed to be hunted by Eskimos or Natives of the north?" My chick leans down to kiss me and right as her lips touch mine i say "Walrus." She then sits straight up and exclaims, "Really? You're still paying attention to the damn TV?" to which i reply, "I take Cash Cab very seriously." She then puts her clothes back on and leaves. I lay there with my wiener hanging out until it's over then call her and tell her to come back. She does. Then i smash her to bits.

Is that considered a fail on my part or hers?

Post a picture of her and we can discuss

[Joe Pesci]

i agree. and, saucy ragu, we need an update on what happened with that girl who wanted a butt massage

[saucy ragu]

You got laid, that's not a fucking fail. A bunch of you need to know where to post these stories. There's Sexually Awkward Experiences, Fat Chick Story, First Time, plus others. FAILS ONLY.

i agree. and, saucy ragu, we need an update on what happened with that girl who wanted a butt massage

She's suggested a threesome, haven't met her, she's coming off mad easy and "cootsie wootsie," which I don't jive with. A bit of a chase is more my thing. Not really talking to her much lately but if I stick with it, I won't be posting the rest of the story in here.

[DEDBBIS]

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Valentines Day. This girl comes over and we kick it and watch Cash Cab. She says "I'll be back in a minute," and goes to the bathroom. I stay there on the couch and continue to watch Cash Cab. She comes back in wearing this sexy ass black lingerie complete with a thong. So she walks behind me and starts biting my ear and i continue to watch Cash Cab. She then pushes me over and straddles me while i keep my eyes on the television. She starts biting my lip and kissing me and shit and all the while I'm looking at the tv. She then goes down and starts sucking my dick and licking my balls. She's getting into it and just goes all out. She then puts my dick in her and starts riding. As she's doing this the Cabbie (It's some new chick that looks exactly like the original guy,) asks the question "What tusked animal is only legally allowed to be hunted by Eskimos or Natives of the north?" My chick leans down to kiss me and right as her lips touch mine i say "Walrus." She then sits straight up and exclaims, "Really? You're still paying attention to the damn TV?" to which i reply, "I take Cash Cab very seriously." She then puts her clothes back on and leaves. I lay there with my wiener hanging out until it's over then call her and tell her to come back. She does. Then i smash her to bits.

Is that considered a fail on my part or hers?

[close]

Post a picture of her and we can discuss

[Giovanni Falcone]

When some chick is all over your nuts and some dude tries to cock block or swoop in, are you guys over it? Because I'm always over it when that shit happens. I'm not gonna waste my valuable drinking time bullshitting with some chick and now some other dude, when I could be kicking it with my friends. Shit happened to me last night. I'm not gonna listen to Two Heebs and a Bean 20 times in a row on your cell phone outside, thanks but no thanks. And I was the one who brought up NOFX?!

Everyone was like, "Where is that chick you were with?" Oh she's outside with some rocker dude with acne scars. "Was he in Alice in Chains?"

No.

[Pippen]

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Valentines Day. This girl comes over and we kick it and watch Cash Cab. She says "I'll be back in a minute," and goes to the bathroom. I stay there on the couch and continue to watch Cash Cab. She comes back in wearing this sexy ass black lingerie complete with a thong. So she walks behind me and starts biting my ear and i continue to watch Cash Cab. She then pushes me over and straddles me while i keep my eyes on the television. She starts biting my lip and kissing me and shit and all the while I'm looking at the tv. She then goes down and starts sucking my dick and licking my balls. She's getting into it and just goes all out. She then puts my dick in her and starts riding. As she's doing this the Cabbie (It's some new chick that looks exactly like the original guy,) asks the question "What tusked animal is only legally allowed to be hunted by Eskimos or Natives of the north?" My chick leans down to kiss me and right as her lips touch mine i say "Walrus." She then sits straight up and exclaims, "Really? You're still paying attention to the damn TV?" to which i reply, "I take Cash Cab very seriously." She then puts her clothes back on and leaves. I lay there with my wiener hanging out until it's over then call her and tell her to come back. She does. Then i smash her to bits.

Is that considered a fail on my part or hers?

[close]

Post a picture of her and we can discuss

[Giovanni Falcone]

Dude, I love Cash Cab, I don't know why people hate on it.

[Frank the Rabbit]

This was roughly 6 or 7 years ago, it was about to be my second time, the first time was with the same girl (my gf at the time), but without a condom. So all my friends are with me and my gf, smoking weed and drinking and shit,we were young and we snorted some sleeping pills, so i was super high. One of my friends tells me to take her to the room and gave me a few condoms, which i complied. Next thing we are at the room with the lighst off and making out and i'm fingering her, she tells me to put on the condom so we can fuck, so i confident of what i was doing, pull the condom out, try to put it on and it gets stuck at the end of the head(of my dick) because of the foreskin all folded and shit, and break it (I never had put on a condom before this). So i ask her if we can do it without a condom, she says yes but with one condition "you go on top" remember i was super high so i didn't want to move from my comfortable position.

Yes, i told her to eat shit and blew my chance to fuck her.

I never told anyone this, so it's kind of a weight lifted from my shoulders, i still hate myself tho.

[finknoos]

This was roughly 6 or 7 years ago, it was about to be my second time, the first time was with the same girl (my gf at the time), but without a condom. So all my friends are with me and my gf, smoking weed and drinking and shit,we were young and we snorted some sleeping pills, so i was super high. One of my friends tells me to take her to the room and gave me a few condoms, which i complied. Next thing we are at the room with the lighst off and making out and i'm fingering her, she tells me to put on the condom so we can fuck, so i confident of what i was doing, pull the condom out, try to put it on and it gets stuck at the end of the head(of my dick) because of the foreskin all folded and shit, and break it (I never had put on a condom before this). So i ask her if we can do it without a condom, she says yes but with one condition "you go on top" remember i was super high so i didn't want to move from my comfortable position.

Yes, i told her to eat shit and blew my chance to fuck her.

I never told anyone this, so it's kind of a weight lifted from my shoulders, i still hate myself tho.

seriously? its so much better on top, you can controll every little movement

[LesbianPUNCH]

After my first long-term relationship fell apart, I started fucking around like mad to get over the broad.  Unfortunately, I was heart-broken and would break into a mad sobbing fit of uber-pathetic sadness, usually after blasting my load on a broads chest.  Crying in front of a girl naked.  Pathetic.

[GISM]

Some days I don't sleep and run on autopilot. I'm walking down old dorm hall around 4am in a towel after a shower. This sexy African exchange student comes out of the woman's bathroom in a towel and is watching me come down the hall. Her room was right across from the bathroom and I'm wondering what's taking her so long to get in her room. She's giving me the eye as I get closer and I keep walking with a weird look on my face. I may have even looked back as I was walking away. I hate myself on a regular basis for blowing it and I don't know if I'll ever have a chance with a black girl again.

[nice weather]

This was roughly 6 or 7 years ago, it was about to be my second time, the first time was with the same girl (my gf at the time), but without a condom. So all my friends are with me and my gf, smoking weed and drinking and shit,we were young and we snorted some sleeping pills, so i was super high. One of my friends tells me to take her to the room and gave me a few condoms, which i complied. Next thing we are at the room with the lighst off and making out and i'm fingering her, she tells me to put on the condom so we can fuck, so i confident of what i was doing, pull the condom out, try to put it on and it gets stuck at the end of the head(of my dick) because of the foreskin all folded and shit, and break it (I never had put on a condom before this). So i ask her if we can do it without a condom, she says yes but with one condition "you go on top" remember i was super high so i didn't want to move from my comfortable position.

Yes, i told her to eat shit and blew my chance to fuck her.

I never told anyone this, so it's kind of a weight lifted from my shoulders, i still hate myself tho.

wrong thread, this belongs in boring confessions on the valium forum.

[Frank the Rabbit]

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This was roughly 6 or 7 years ago, it was about to be my second time, the first time was with the same girl (my gf at the time), but without a condom. So all my friends are with me and my gf, smoking weed and drinking and shit,we were young and we snorted some sleeping pills, so i was super high. One of my friends tells me to take her to the room and gave me a few condoms, which i complied. Next thing we are at the room with the lighst off and making out and i'm fingering her, she tells me to put on the condom so we can fuck, so i confident of what i was doing, pull the condom out, try to put it on and it gets stuck at the end of the head(of my dick) because of the foreskin all folded and shit, and break it (I never had put on a condom before this). So i ask her if we can do it without a condom, she says yes but with one condition "you go on top" remember i was super high so i didn't want to move from my comfortable position.

Yes, i told her to eat shit and blew my chance to fuck her.

I never told anyone this, so it's kind of a weight lifted from my shoulders, i still hate myself tho.

[close]

seriously? its so much better on top, you can controll every little movement

I know, but I was fucked up, I didn't want to lift a finger you know? I suspect she knew this and didn't want to fuck because one of my friends is now her bf and he always tells me how she loves being on top. I just play along even tho I want to punch him in the face.

[Prison Wallet]

So me and the lady decide to go on a little three day road trip over to Hatch NM for their annual Chili Festival. So we check into the hotel before we head over to the festival and you know what the hotel means... Swish. So all day we're going around the festival and everyone's roasting their chilies and handing out samples, and I was going to town. I probably ate a pound of roasted chilies, then lunch was surely smothered in green chilies as well. Dinner, smothered in green chili.

Finally we get back to the hotel and she decides it's bath time. Kinda undresses in front of me, flirts a little, and gets in the bath with the door open. I'm watching TV but slowly my stomach starts churning but quickly progresses into labor pains. She's in the bathroom trying to make small talk with me, trying to get me to go in there but I was in the fetal position doing yoga breathing, sweating like a hog. Finally shit was gonna blow (literally) and I had to run in the bathroom and kick her out of the bath. Seconds later I had a fire hose of chili seeds blowing out my ass with that secondary burn. Needless to say there wasn't anything going down that night in the hotel room.

[Diogenes]

Some days I don't sleep and run on autopilot. I'm walking down old dorm hall around 4am in a towel after a shower. This sexy African exchange student comes out of the woman's bathroom in a towel and is watching me come down the hall. Her room was right across from the bathroom and I'm wondering what's taking her so long to get in her room. She's giving me the eye as I get closer and I keep walking with a weird look on my face. I may have even looked back as I was walking away. I hate myself on a regular basis for blowing it and I don't know if I'll ever have a chance with a black girl again.

You fucking moron. 

[Joe Pesci]

prison wallet, i knew what to expect of you as soon as i read chili festival and hotel. needless to say, you delivered. i commend you.

[Clayton]

When I was 19 and for the most part still sexually inexperienced, there was a light skinned black chick with huge titties/ass that would always flirt with me. I kissed her once, she bought me a 32oz on my bday, and she would always send me flirty messages when Myspace was still cool.

One weekend there was a party at the house I was living at. My roommate turned 21. I was living on a couch in the garage surrounded by random crap people would normally put in storage. One thing led to another and it was just me and her alone lying down on the couch looking at pictures on my camera. I was too puss to try anything and eventually one of my random homies unintentionally cock blocked by walking in on us and then hanging out.

The next weekend I was invited as a date by one of her "sisters" to "Greek Presents," (she was in a sorority.) The girl I came with was a self-proclaimed lesbian so I had little to no obligation to stay with her all night. Three more of my friends came as dates too. I pre-gamed with one of them by drinking a 40oz before they picked us up.

When we got there some random hero was handing out 21+ wristbands to anyone willing to ask for one. I had another beer, took another shot, and someone bought me a Long Island. There I was, drunk as fuck, having the time of my life, watching fine-ass sorority girls perform dance routines in skimpy dresses. The formalities stop and shit turns into a full fledged dance party. I'm tryna get freaky with anyone and everyone out there, and then I see her.

She has a skimpy dress with her tits halfway out already. I could see the line at the edge where the nipple meets the skin, but try not to stare. She hands her camera to one of my three friends with us and motions for him to take a picture of me and her. A light bulb lit up in my head and I somehow came up with the idea to lightly tug on her dress, light enough where she wouldn't notice, yet strong enough where her nipple would show up producing the greatest picture I'd ever been involved in.

Shit didn't go as smooth as I pictured in my head. I told my friend to take the picture on 3. 1...2...3...SWOOP! In my drunken state I managed to yank the fuck out of her dress, exposing her entire right titty, and then immediately bounced towards the dance floor like it was no biggie. I found out a few days later I actually ripped the strap.

After maybe 20 seconds of wandering around in a crowd, one of our mutual friends walks up to me and asks "What the fuck did you do?!" She freaked out about it and was crying all emotional like. I immediately realized what a dumb shit I was and sobered up pretty quick once half her sorority had me cornered in the foyer while one of them cussed me out and made threats on my life. Some pissed off frat dude told me to "just leave" so my friends escorted me out bodyguard style.

I felt really bad about it and apologized to her at school in front of two of her sisters. She started crying which made me shed a tear or so, and she said if I was really sorry I would have to apologize to her in front of her entire Sorority. The next weekend I tried to do it, but the prez decided to be a bitch and made me come back next weekend. Came back, gave the most awkward apology in front of dozens of pissed off bitches, then they accepted and let me know that some of them were selling weed brownies as a fundraiser. I've never gotten even close to scoring with a black chick since then...fucking college.

[StabMasterArson]

My first year in college I was a party when I noticed a few girls ganging up on another one calling her a slut. I kind of wondered over to involve myself in the festivities. I noticed that the girl was drunker that shit, and close to tears. The girl that was being called "slut" kind of turned away from the other girls into my direction and weeped, "I'm not a slut, I'm a virgin" to which I quickly replied "have you ever sucked dick before?" She claimed she hadn't, so I politly asked her if you would like to go outside and give it a "whirl". She agreed.

We went out the back door and found a nice Chevy s-10 and got comfy in the back. She started mauling my penis like it was a piece of birthday cake. It hurt very badly. There was a frat house next door and I heard some guy tell his friend to look at that dog in the back of the truck, when he corrected him and said "no dude, thats a guy getting head". Moments later there were 10-15 frat guys standing behind the truck posing for pictures behind me getting my dick chewed on like a piece of steak fat. They let me go and I tried to finish my business. I couldnt, it was too painful. I got up and nicely told her I couldnt continue and showed myself out. She started crying and said "but I just want you to like me"

I went back in the house with a Megaboner and balls blue as a July afternoon.

Weeks later, a friend of mine call and said he was at a party and seen a picture of me getting head on a dartboard. i showed up as fast as I could to try and obtain said picture. The frat guy who took the picture wouldnt let me have it, so I left. what kind of guy wants a picture of another guy getting some lettuce? A fucking frat guy.


Also, the same night of the origanal head night, the party got broken up and I found this girl I kicked it with a few times to give me a ride home. I knew she had a boyfriend back wherever she was from so I wasn't too forward. But she was. She parked at my dorm and said "wait here" and went to the trunk. She came back with a small photo album full of nudes of her in every possible position. she asked me if I liked what I saw, and answered by showing my erect penis through my pants. She goes "oooohhh' and started rubbing on it. Shortly after that she pulled it out and started giving me an old fashion. After already having blue balls from an hour before, I let her go on, despite the pain it caused. It wasn't long before she stopped and said "I can't continue to lead you on" and asked me to get out of the car.

And when I went up to my dorm room, I think it was the first time I cried while masturbating. Certainly, it wasnt the last.

[nice weather]

I just put a slap sticker on my board and wept from pride. This years poster of the month wall is covered in Steve Buscemi.

[Tale Crab]

"I'm not a slut, I'm a virgin" to which I quickly replied "have you ever sucked dick before?"

Oh, what would I give for reflexes like that.

[saucy ragu]

Traces of Rawb, Macklin, and Bipsmound lyrical sweetness in that post. Thank you for turning this thread back onto the right course.

[Donkey Lips]

StabMaster squares up, shoots, bounces off rim. The crowd still cheers though.

[Beer Keg Peg Leg]

When I was 19 and for the most part still sexually inexperienced, there was a light skinned black chick with huge titties/ass that would always flirt with me. I kissed her once, she bought me a 32oz on my bday, and she would always send me flirty messages when Myspace was still cool.

One weekend there was a party at the house I was living at. My roommate turned 21. I was living on a couch in the garage surrounded by random crap people would normally put in storage. One thing led to another and it was just me and her alone lying down on the couch looking at pictures on my camera. I was too puss to try anything and eventually one of my random homies unintentionally cock blocked by walking in on us and then hanging out.

The next weekend I was invited as a date by one of her "sisters" to "Greek Presents," (she was in a sorority.) The girl I came with was a self-proclaimed lesbian so I had little to no obligation to stay with her all night. Three more of my friends came as dates too. I pre-gamed with one of them by drinking a 40oz before they picked us up.

When we got there some random hero was handing out 21+ wristbands to anyone willing to ask for one. I had another beer, took another shot, and someone bought me a Long Island. There I was, drunk as fuck, having the time of my life, watching fine-ass sorority girls perform dance routines in skimpy dresses. The formalities stop and shit turns into a full fledged dance party. I'm tryna get freaky with anyone and everyone out there, and then I see her.

She has a skimpy dress with her tits halfway out already. I could see the line at the edge where the nipple meets the skin, but try not to stare. She hands her camera to one of my three friends with us and motions for him to take a picture of me and her. A light bulb lit up in my head and I somehow came up with the idea to lightly tug on her dress, light enough where she wouldn't notice, yet strong enough where her nipple would show up producing the greatest picture I'd ever been involved in.

Shit didn't go as smooth as I pictured in my head. I told my friend to take the picture on 3. 1...2...3...SWOOP! In my drunken state I managed to yank the fuck out of her dress, exposing her entire right titty, and then immediately bounced towards the dance floor like it was no biggie. I found out a few days later I actually ripped the strap.

After maybe 20 seconds of wandering around in a crowd, one of our mutual friends walks up to me and asks "What the fuck did you do?!" She freaked out about it and was crying all emotional like. I immediately realized what a dumb shit I was and sobered up pretty quick once half her sorority had me cornered in the foyer while one of them cussed me out and made threats on my life. Some pissed off frat dude told me to "just leave" so my friends escorted me out bodyguard style.

I felt really bad about it and apologized to her at school in front of two of her sisters. She started crying which made me shed a tear or so, and she said if I was really sorry I would have to apologize to her in front of her entire Sorority. The next weekend I tried to do it, but the prez decided to be a bitch and made me come back next weekend. Came back, gave the most awkward apology in front of dozens of pissed off bitches, then they accepted and let me know that some of them were selling weed brownies as a fundraiser. I've never gotten even close to scoring with a black chick since then...fucking college.

i've read this post somewhere before

[Clayton]

I think I might have told a shortened version of it in some other thread a couple years ago. Seemed appropriate to bring it back for this thread. I've had a lot of pathetic and failed attempts @ sexual relations, but the worst ones I'm definitely not posting.

[ice nine]

you also conveniently left out the part about you trying to join a frat, which u were rightfully chastised for last tim?