Hi All. These are just two skate dialogues I wrote. Normally I wouldn't blast my shit like this but this is pretty catered to the SLAP community and I wanna know if this is worth people's time. Lemme know what you think. But please be gentle. It's my first time. And thank you to whoever reads these.
Breaking up with Heath Kirchart
David: Oh, hey dude.
Reno: Hey.
David: What video is this?
Reno: Since Day One.
David: Oh nice.
Reno: You better talk to your boy. He's freaking the fuck out.
David: What?
Reno: Mark.
David: Christtt. What now? Mark?
Mark: Get out of my way, David. I'm in no mood.
David: What're you doing?
Mark: I'm running for Congress, David. What does it look like?
David: It looks like you're moving out.
Mark: We broke up! It's over!
David: ...Markkkk. We aren't dating.
Mark: Not you! Although you didn't exactly help things.
David: Then who?
Mark: Heath! Who do you think?
David: ...Kirchart?
Mark: Of course Kirchart! What other Heaths do you know?
David: He used to be your favorite skater. What happened?
Mark: What happened? What happened?! Mindfield is what happened, David!
David: What're you talking about? Just put the toaster down.
Mark: You put the toaster down!
David: I-
Mark: Ya know, I have always known of Heath Kirchart. I've seen him around. But I never thought of him in that way. To me, he was just that guy from The End. And I thought, "hey, he's good. But I don't see him as my favorite skater. Maybe a close friend." but then Mindfield drops and I didn't know what to think! I mean, here he comes, out of the blue, and completely changes my life. Ya know? How is that fair? That he can just come into my life, and turn it upside down. I didn't sign up for that. Make me feel things I never knew I could.
David: Mark, I think you're overreac-
Mark: Overreacting?! I went to the Mindfield premier, David. You didn't, you weren't there. You didn't feel what it was like in that theater when he backside flipped that gap. I came, David. David, I came. Literally. Fully flaccid to full boner. Burst through my zipper But I haven't been able to get off thinking about anything else since. And THEN, and THEN, Stay Gold comes out.
David: Mark-
Mark: And at first I was conflicted, because I bought the DVD for him, but he wasn't in it. He didn't even bother to show up to the ONE DVD I've bought since my computer got internet. And then what!? Nothing!
David: But you saw his secret part, right?
Mark: Oh, did I see his secret part. Six months after I bought the video! He hid it from me for sixth months while everyone else was talking about it behind my back! That was the worst part. Hearing about it from someone else...
David: I understand, dude.
Mark: You do?
David: Well, no. Not really. But don't you think that you're maybe taking this a little personally? I mean, just 'cause he's your favorite skater doesn't mean that you have to fall in love with the guy.
Mark: I'm not crazy, David. I'm not just gonna go obsessing over a pro skater just 'cause I like him.
David: Phew. Good.
Mark: He was totally asking for it. I mean, he wouldn't dress like that if he didn't want it.
David: What?
Mark: The flannels. The monochromatic enders. The backwards hats. The beanies that fit perfectly on his head somehow. I mean, when I wear beanies they get all lumpy and it looks like I'm smuggling eggs or something. Oh, no. I won't be blamed for this. Not for the hairflip after that back noseblunt in Mindfield. That I will not endure. How am I supposed to not fall in love that? And if you don't think the untied shoe lace belt after that back lip was deliberate then I just don't know what world you live in, David.
David: So, is this about his retirement then?
Mark: After I found out about his secret part I didn't wanna see him ever again. I mean, who would? That downtown Los Angeles line. How could he keep something like that...from me?! But, I couldn't quit him. I just couldn't. So, against my better judgment, he became my favorite skater. Officially. Like Facebook official. Under my favorite athletes...
David: Uh-huh..
Mark: And then the B-sides came out. We were so happy. I watched it on youtube until Emerica emailed me to stop.
David: ...
Mark: I thought it could work out. The retirement. Sure, I would see less of him, but I thought we were strong enough to make it. Ya know? We'd be like those people that have it all. But once he became the TM of Emerica he changed. All of a sudden Trevor Colden was all he cared about. So, he has time to show up for Trevor's tricks but doesn't have time to film himself? And he chose Trevor! Over me! That kid has like, 60 teeth!
David: Yeah, I remember that. Dark times.
Reno: Dark fuckin' times, dude.
Mark: But sometimes, just sometimes, I would see him, if just for a moment and he would be himself again. It's like we were together again in that one...fleeting...moment...
David and Reno: The back 3 at the demo...
Mark: ...That back three...I mean...how am I supposed to take that?! You can't just do that and walk way from meeeee. I just don't know what to think anymore!
David: So, where are you moving out to?
Mark: Where he can't hurt me anymore. Maybe I'll hit up Corey Duffel. They kinda dress alike now...
David: Woah, woah, woah. Let's not do anything we'll regret. Listen, dude. Your favorite skater has retired. It happens to all of us eventually. But, I know what will cheer you up..
Mark: (sniff) (sniff) You do..?
David: First thing tomorrow morning, you and me, we're gonna go down to the skateshop and we're gonna get you a brand new favorite skater!
Mark: But I don't wanna new favorite skater! I want Heath!
David: I know..
Mark: I mean, where am I gonna find a skater that's bad ass, wears backwards hats, doesn't talk alot, rugged handsome, who wears flannels, perfect beanies and rolls away with his hands behind his back. You tell me where?!
David: ...hm. Reno.
Reno: Yeah?
David: Can you rewind the Real video back to the second part. Mark, there's someone I'd like you to meet...
Interviewing Danny Garcia
Production Assistant: Okay, Danny. Here's your water.
Danny: Oh thank you.
Production Assistant: Mhm. Matt should be out any minute now.
Danny: Alright.
Matt: Ugh. Alright. Hi.
Danny: Hey, man. How are you?
Matt: ...
Danny: I know you, don't I?
Matt: I dunno. Do you?
Danny: Yeah sure. From the Christmas party a couple years back, right? At Sara's.
Matt: Oh. So you do remember that night. Hm.
Danny: Uh- yeah, man. How have you been?
Matt: Listen, dude. I'm gonna pretend like your time is valuable and try to get this thing done. Okay? Okay. So, let's see. I was supposed to do research on you for this interview, but I really didn't feel like it. So, I'm just gonna read some fan submitted questions, is that alright?
Danny: I gue-
Matt: Great. Here they are.
Danny: Woah. That whole stack is questions for me? Good lord.
Matt: Uh-huh. Apparently alot of people wanna talk to Danny Garcia.
Danny: Alright. Shoot.
Matt: Ugh. Alright. Dear, Danny...Garcia. "What did it feel like to go undefeated against Kendall Holt for the welterweight championship?"
Danny: Oh, uh. I think that was meant for the boxer, Danny Garcia.
Matt: Oh, that isn't you?
Danny: No. I'm Danny Garcia. The professional skater.
Matt: And you just let this interview go on. Real cool. Ugh. The professional skater..huh. Well, uh, yeah, well then I guess all these questions are useless.
Danny: Well, were there any sent for me? Maybe some skaters submitted some.
Matt: Oh, sure. Right. Yeah they did. I wrote down all the questions sent to you on this gum wrapper here. Uh, let's see. "How did you like your tour in Greece?"
Danny: I've never been to Greece.
Matt: Oh. I guess that was meant for the other Danny then.
Danny: ...
Matt: I'll tell ya what. That was seriously my last question and they won't let me take my lunch until one, so how about we just run out the clock on this one? Okay?
Danny: Ya know what, sure man.
Matt: Alright, uh, Danny. You rode for Lakai for a little bit.
Danny: Mhm.
Matt: So, did they not give you a shoe because they didn't like you or because they knew it wouldn't sell?
Danny: ...uh...wow. Um. Ya know what, it was nice skating for them but now I skate for Habitat and that's really great too.
Matt: Habitat shoes? Off the board company?
Danny: That's right.
Matt: Ah. Yeah. Sounds real lucrative.
Danny: Ya know, it's really nice. It's with all my friends and I also skate for Quiksilver so I'm set for a little.
Matt: Of course. Why wouldn't you get more money?
Danny: Uh. Yeah.
Matt: But you rode for eS for a while. Right?
Danny: Yeah. I did. For a couple years.
Matt: And you had two pro models there?
Danny: Four, actually.
Matt: Oh. Well, they sound amazing..
Danny: Yeah-
Matt: So, once you left eS they went outta business. So, I'm just wondering...how do you sleep at night?
Danny: What?
Matt: It says here that you just retired from skateboarding for ballet. How's that going?
Danny: Ha ha no, what? I didn't retire for ballet.
Matt: You're just doing ballet in your free time then?
Danny: No ballet! And I haven't retired either.
Matt: Oh. Sorry. My mistake. I just thought you wanted to quit while you were ahead. Go out with some dignity..
Danny: No. No. I'm still skating for Habitat. I think, uh, Danny Gonzalez officially retired from skating and people confuse me with him. So, I'm not retired. Still skating everyday, actually.
Matt: Interesting. And I would never confuse Danny Gonzalez with you. Trust me. I respect Danny Gonzalez.
Danny: Alright. What the hell is your problem with me, dude. We met at that party and we were cool then? What did I ever-wait. Is this about Amber?
Matt: What?
Danny: Is this 'cause I hooked up with Amber?
Matt: What're you talking about? I don't even know an Amber Chavez.
Danny: Ah-ha! So this is about her.
Matt: Well, of course it is Danny! There was a fucking line, dude.
Danny: You were dating her twin sister!
Matt: To get to her, Danny! You're such a dick.
Danny: Right. I'm the dick.
Matt: So, you just boned her? That night?
Danny: That's really none of your business, dude.
Matt: Yeah, okay...
Danny: ...
Matt: ...
Danny: ...What?
Matt: Well tell me what her ass was like!
Danny: No, dude. I'm not gonna fuckin' tell you how her ass was, you creep.
Matt: Fine. Don't tell me. I didn't wanna know anyways. Probably too busy cuffing your pants...
Danny: Oh my god! Yeah, her ass was awesome. Okay?! The best I've ever seen! She's really really hot. Happy?
Matt: ...
Danny: ...what the hell is wrong with you, dude?
Matt: Ya know what? You're right. I'm sorry. I was just being sensitive. I'm sorry.
Danny: It's okay, dude. It's cool.
Matt: Let's just treat this like every other interview, okay?
Danny: Okay.
Matt: So, I heard you and Raymond Molinar are gay. How long have you been together?
Danny: Uh-ha. Funny. No. We're not together. We're not gay.
Matt: You're not?
Danny: Definitely not.
Matt: Then don't you think it's a little misleading to your fans that you dressed so obviously gay in Inhabitants and you're straight. Allegedly. Don't you think that sends the wrong message to your gay fans?
Danny: Uhm. I don't know if I have any gay fans.
Matt: Actually, according to this, all of your fans are gay. Or they become gay once they start liking you.
Danny: Can I see that?
Matt: No. Whose the better kisser? Between you and Raymond.
Danny: Uhmm. I dunno. Him?
Matt: But he still kisses you anyways. That's sweet.
Danny: No. We're really not gay. But I know why you're asking that. Erica Yary asked me the same question on her show.
Matt: Oh, Active Erica. Nice. How's she?
Danny: She's g-
Matt: How's her ass?
Danny: ...
Matt: I heard, that, Erica's ass learned how to open doors.
Danny: Guhh, like, do you mean figuratively?
Matt: No, I mean. Like the raptors from Jurassic Park. I heard it just became self-aware too. So, congratulations Erica's self-aware ass.
Danny: This is ridiculous.
Matt: Oh, right. Bring up Amber's ass and he won't shut the hell up. But bring up Erica's ass and all of a sudden its "ridiculous."
Danny: Whatever dude. Next question.
Matt: Um. Okay. Uh. So, I hear you like to run over dogs in your free time.
Danny: ...That's a really horrible thing to say.
Matt: It's a horrible thing to do, Danny. Is that a Habitat tattoo on your wrist?
Danny: uhhhhh...yeah, Matt it is.
Matt: You aren't worried that when they go outta business you'll have to get it removed?
Danny: No, Matt. I'm not worried about that at all.
Matt: Oh, well. Just in case you ever need to, I heard that best way to remove a wrist tat is to cut it out. With like a razor blade. Like, in your bath tub or whatever.
Danny: That's it. This is ridiculous. I'm outta here. You're an asshole dude.
Matt: Right. Like I'm the asshole, Danny. You better email me how that ass was by tonight, dude. Serious.
Production Assistant: Psst. Intro the clip! Intro the clip!
Matt: Oh, yeah. America's craving some Dgar. I'm sure. Okay, uh . Here's Danny Garcia's part from, like, Really Fuckin' Sorry or whatever. Enjoy.
Topic: Skate Dialogues:Breaking up with Heath Kirchart/Interviewing Danny Garcia (Read 2853 times)