I started university this year, after working, doing volunteering and eventually unemployment in the past three years. The study is really awesome and I really want to do well, but it's been difficult. Right now, i'm having a moment where i just don't know what to do to not fuck it up. Of course, I did the fucking up partly by myself, but i feel and know that there are some external factors that contribute to this failing, and i don't know how to pick this shit up, to get it on track.
First there's the fact that I live in a completely different city than the study is. I have to take the train, travel about 2 hours to get to school, and of course i have to go back. So I'm travelling about 4,5 hours each time i go to school, and that shit is just horrible. Luckily i don't have classes everyday, but still, it's super anoying and breaks up the whole day. When i get home i feel tired just from travelling, and want to chill. Learning in the train is not impossible, but it is heavy, with the other passengers, the annoying light, uncomfortable chairs to name a few things.
I'd like to have a room somewhere in the city i study, but finding a room and making it through the selection of people who already live there is really hard. I'm demotivated in advance to search, because its such an extensive process, with high chances of turn-downs. But i really need it, cause travelling and studying isn't going to work. As long as i dont have a room, it' s itching my mind constantly, but i have other priorities as well.
Next to that, like i said, in the past three years i've worked like an idiot in a callcentre, i've done foreign volunteering work (which was a wonderful experience) and been unemployed, living on wellfare. I fwwl like i don't have the structure or discipline to read all texts or to make all assigments. It's fucked, cause i know i can do it, i just can't make myself do it, or i don't know how to do it. Also, at the moment i can't even focus on one course or task, because in the back of my head im thinking about all other things, and get confused, resulting in doing even less work.
Other than that, i smoked weed daily up to about two weeks ago. Now it's probably every other day. I want to smoke less, make it less of a habit, and more enjoyable, but it's easy to go to the coffeeshop, buy a little gram.
And yeah i do enjoy it, but i don't enjoy getting nothing done. I've told myself so often that this would be the last baggy i'd buy, and try to smoke it as fast as possible, so the next day wouldn't start off smoking. But usually the next evening this ritual repeats.
I've told my university this, went to a counselor, and also told him this might be related to having ADHD. I've been diagnosed, so i guess i have it, but i don't really believe in this "disease" or whatever. I don't know. It kinda frustrates me that i have this condition to blame, but actually i feel like i don't have a condition at all, it's just me.
I also told the counselor i would try medication again, after he recommended, but i hate that stuff so bad. It's actually just drugs, like hard-drugs people take daily. And even more so, i don't think taking the drugs would make my life more structured. Maybe it would heighten my effeciency, but thats just in labor, not in organising the labor.
At last, i'm dating a girl now who's really awesome, sweet, pretty, intelligent, all of that. I asked her to be my girlfriend, she told me she'd just gotten out of a relation, so she thought it wouldnt be a good idea. I actually agreed afterwards, cause we've dated probably 4 times, so i guess it is a little hurriedly. But i wanted to ask her because i feel really good around her and weve been intimate and everything, i don't know. So it wasnt a complete turndown, but still, it sucks. I'd really like to have a girlfriend again(after a year), so maybe im hoping/trying too hard. For now i'd just like to now where i stand with this chick, but im not sure how to ask.
Oh yeah, and i lurk slap wayyyy too much.
Pfffff, i guess that comparing to some other confessions on here, i'm not doing too bad. But still, i feel anxious when i think about the situation, which makes it hard to work on it. I and also feel down because i know other people have difficulties such as these, probably worse, and that shit is seen as normal. Why can't shit just be simple?
Thanks for the vent.
Topic: real confessions (Read 1736304 times)