real confessions

[frisco]

I give myself constant 'reality checks' as if my Dad were grilling into me, even though he doesnt. Its like applying pressure to myself for no reason other than its not there

[Bronson]

I give myself constant 'reality checks' as if my Dad were grilling into me, even though he doesnt. Its like applying pressure to myself for no reason other than its not there

That can be a positive thing too, right? As long as your not manic about it...

I myself feel incredibly anxious right now. I sometimes get these sudden panicy feelings where everything feels unreal and really really bad, my head feels all floaty. and I feel like I?m not going to snap out of it and am going to go insane, slip into an unreversable depression or most likely die. Rationally I know it?s gonna pass but I have a hard time thinking rationally.
 ? I?ve had these attacks ever since I was a kid and I would really like to solve them if possible. Something to do with fear. Also I really miss my mother when I go through these attacks so might have some connection with some childhood stuff I have not yet put together/understood.

Actually it feels like this particular panic attack or whatever is getting slowly better now.

edit: nope, still struggling with this feeling. Scary stuff.

I have a feeling that I have what is called a borderline personality disorder. All the pieces just seem to fit.

[David]

 Keep your head up. That stuff is not easy to deal with.

[Unbridled Technical Precision]

this is me.  I?m the kind of person who needs control, i need to have a grasp on reality through various means. logic and deductive reasoning for the most part, thats what rules me. this is how i have my control on the world.  science, big bang, dinosaurs, evolution... all that shit I have and do and will continue to believe in.  just recently however my logic and reasoning skills have become so good that I?ve realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no possible fucking way to have control on every aspect of your life.  I have no superhuman jesus powers so I?m going to have to deal with life from a certain global standpoint.  Im no all encompassing badass that understands every single person and the specific situation theyre in.  And I really believed this, and somewhere in this false notion of ?understanding?, I thought i was getting to know myself better.  Naivety was running rampant in my brain, and i was to naive to notice. So it?s 2008, im 18 years old, and my feeble little mind is convinced that I have everything figured out.  I?m on top of the world, I have my car my parents paid for, I have my whole fabricated existence because of my parents. they?re amazing, they provide me with everything in my life. whether physically, emotionally, psychologically... i am a whole person because of them.  I dont believe in a god, but if there happened to be one, it would be half my mom and half my dad. like fused together in the middle, they are my creators... they are my god.  now my parents still pay for everything, im in my fourth year of college, goin on 5.... fuck. slowly loosing control because I see my time as a dependent ticking away.  Don?t get me wrong, my life from birth until now has been too good. but why was it so good?? because i wasnt in control, my god was.  and soon my god will no longer be paying for my living expenses. and I have to take control.  but the realization i had earlier was that I can?t control anything.  so, when I turn 25... im assuming, with logic and reason, that every fabric of my existence will tear apart into a million pieces and instantly I will be left with nothing.  White space, some would call it purgatory.  Of course I would be there, not physically or as a stream of consciousness. but i would be there, unnoticeable by any form of detection, but there nonetheless.  let?s say I give up on my reliance on my terribly narcissistic form of logic and reason.  Potentially, when I turn 25, I will be a self sustained, fully functioning member of society. But me being me, I see this as some hopeful, idealistic, up in the air bullshit. Because even if i can attain it, I wouldn?t want it.  I don?t want control, after realizing how evasive and unpredictable control is, i?ve found that I don?t need it.  there?s a certain vibrance in life when we?re out of control, where we?re not quite sure if we?re rising or falling, if we?re spiraling downwards or merely standing still.  this feeling will initially make you sick, left searching for some form of stability.  just let go.... give up control... stop trying, and eventually you?ll get used to the feeling. take it day by day, be open to the countless opportunities that are omnipresent everywhere we go.  realize life?s ups and downs for what they are, don?t view a misstep as an injury, and dont treat a leg up as an end to a mean.  our live?s are not linear, we are all floating in the same pool, unaware of eachother?s existence, spiraling out of control.

[BraveUlysses]

[Bronson]

this is me.  I?m the kind of person who needs control, i need to have a grasp on reality through various means. logic and deductive reasoning for the most part, thats what rules me. this is how i have my control on the world.  science, big bang, dinosaurs, evolution... all that shit I have and do and will continue to believe in.  just recently however my logic and reasoning skills have become so good that I?ve realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no possible fucking way to have control on every aspect of your life.  I have no superhuman jesus powers so I?m going to have to deal with life from a certain global standpoint.  Im no all encompassing badass that understands every single person and the specific situation theyre in.  And I really believed this, and somewhere in this false notion of ?understanding?, I thought i was getting to know myself better.  Naivety was running rampant in my brain, and i was to naive to notice. So it?s 2008, im 18 years old, and my feeble little mind is convinced that I have everything figured out.  I?m on top of the world, I have my car my parents paid for, I have my whole fabricated existence because of my parents. they?re amazing, they provide me with everything in my life. whether physically, emotionally, psychologically... i am a whole person because of them.  I dont believe in a god, but if there happened to be one, it would be half my mom and half my dad. like fused together in the middle, they are my creators... they are my god.  now my parents still pay for everything, im in my fourth year of college, goin on 5.... fuck. slowly loosing control because I see my time as a dependent ticking away.  Don?t get me wrong, my life from birth until now has been too good. but why was it so good?? because i wasnt in control, my god was.  and soon my god will no longer be paying for my living expenses. and I have to take control.  but the realization i had earlier was that I can?t control anything.  so, when I turn 25... im assuming, with logic and reason, that every fabric of my existence will tear apart into a million pieces and instantly I will be left with nothing.  White space, some would call it purgatory.  Of course I would be there, not physically or as a stream of consciousness. but i would be there, unnoticeable by any form of detection, but there nonetheless.  let?s say I give up on my reliance on my terribly narcissistic form of logic and reason.  Potentially, when I turn 25, I will be a self sustained, fully functioning member of society. But me being me, I see this as some hopeful, idealistic, up in the air bullshit. Because even if i can attain it, I wouldn?t want it.  I don?t want control, after realizing how evasive and unpredictable control is, i?ve found that I don?t need it.  there?s a certain vibrance in life when we?re out of control, where we?re not quite sure if we?re rising or falling, if we?re spiraling downwards or merely standing still.  this feeling will initially make you sick, left searching for some form of stability.  just let go.... give up control... stop trying, and eventually you?ll get used to the feeling. take it day by day, be open to the countless opportunities that are omnipresent everywhere we go.  realize life?s ups and downs for what they are, don?t view a misstep as an injury, and dont treat a leg up as an end to a mean.  our live?s are not linear, we are all floating in the same pool, unaware of eachother?s existence, spiraling out of control.

That was interesting.

Ive been having a really hard time, getting these Dissociative feelings, feelings of having no identity and mood swings all the time. I feel unable to connect to my emotions (except for anxiety) and thus cant connect with other people. I hope its just my traumatic childhood pushing through and I can still work on it and be happy one day. I just need hope.

[happenstance]

Alright, time for a rant as I am drunk at 5:28 on a weekday. As I type this, I don't really know where this is going to go... Anywho, life is fucked up. I don't know if anyone remembers my real confessions post about my fucked up childhood, my parents dying under fucked up circumstances and the PTSD. In that post I talked about how I was feeling great and happy... turns out that was sort of temporary. I mean, maybe that is not fair to me because I was seriously really suicidal a few months ago but when I talked about feeling better it was in the relative context of not wanting to die. I am not really overly depressed like I was a few months ago but am still riddled with anxiety and get really lonely. So here is what has been going on...

First, my knee is blown out and has been for over a year. I want skating back. It is my outlet. I was filming a video (one that is mostly fisheye) and have had to stop that even because I know it is delaying my healing. There is a chance my knee will not get much better.

I am so strapped with intense anxiety that if anything goes wrong in my life I find it hard to do anything. I have a job (sell furniture), a great internship and a degree from Berkeley but can't get in the right state of mind to really pursue a serious job search. I work 52 hours a week, 6 days a week so it is hard to find the motivation to really apply myself in a job search. It doesn't help that my volunteer coordinator at my internship is pretty cold towards me and my boss is only happy when I am selling a lot. I also work alone in a store that not a lot of people go into so I am alone a lot. I don't think those people realize that I don't have much in life so the way they speak to me has an affect. And I feel trapped because I want to get a job in non-profit and I know if I leave either gig it will be harder to find my ideal job. I also constantly question whether or not I am even capable of functioning in a regular work environment because of my problems.

My sister is becoming a workaholic. She never answers my calls in the daytime, which is when anything intense that can happen in my life does happen. I find myself stuck in these fucked up moods with no one to talk to. She is my only family I am in contact with and she has really dropped the ball on supporting me. By the time she calls me I am too emotionally exhausted to want to talk about it.

I am lonely. I have friends, more so now than I have had in a while but still don't get too many calls to hang out. I feel like I always need to initiate contact. This may sound fucked up but sometimes I am unhappy with the quality of my friends.

I have become sort of obsessed with picking up on women. I 'go fishing' ,so to speak, a lot. Sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. It is completely unhealthy though because I know it is me being co-dependent and wanting to fill a void of the lack of family. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship. I was in a fucked up relationship for 3 years just because I don't want to be alone. I have dated multiple women in the past few months and sometimes it is going so well on the first or second date and I think there is something there. But it always fails somehow. I feel like my fucked up emotions must bleed through or something. I mean, on the surface I seem like a happy and friendly guy but maybe women sense my fucked up emotions. I just had a textbook example of this happen. I really thought there was something there. Our last date ended on a heavy make-out session. So you think this chick would be into me? No! No fucking clue what happened. That is why I am starting to believe that women are sensing something wrong with me. And rightly so, I feel fucked up. I have all these dreaded visions of being single, 40 and in a shitty job... and maybe crazy.

So anyway, I want some shit to change. I am trying. I don't want to die now but I am getting tired of the bullshit.

[cringe.]

damn this thread is so upsetting, keep your head up happenstance + everyone else. things will pick up at some point, there's too much beauty to experience in this world to let ugliness win

[GarglesCmen]

Happenstance, you just gotta keep your heap up man. From what I see here, you are a down to earth guy and deserve the best, no joke, for real. You just gotta keep a little glimmer of hope with you always.  I understand where you are coming from completely, and I know it sucks, especially about the friends thing, the same thing bugged me out for a long time and messed with me mentally but as I said, just show more initiative and always look for a greener path. Keep your head up and things might just brighten up. 1 more post until you are a pal! 

[happenstance]

Yep, totally just alienated my sister trying to her about how she isn't helping me enough.

A friend of mine from my hometown in SoCal just offered for me to move in with his family. I am sort of considering it right now but at the same time I feel like I would be giving up on the life I am trying to carve out up here in the Bay Area. I could see myself here for a while. This set-up could be exactly what I need though. They live a few blocks from the beach, I would have a room rent free and his mom cooks amazing food constantly. I get along with his whole family. Tough call because I do not like a lot of things about SoCal. Especially the driving.

The cool thing is I am a pal now though! Haha.

Edit: And I quasi-regret posting all of that on a messageboard. Sometimes I wonder what it is about this place that makes me spill my guts.

And I almost feel like I am bullshitting people on here. I look at a post I wrote up top and it makes me realize that either some things have gone wrong really quickly or I am starting to realize some of the my supposed improvements are just new manifestations of my problems if that makes any sense (i.e. have gained lots of self-confidence with approaching women and now it is a new issue).

[Archie Bunker]

Yep, totally just alienated my sister trying to her about how she isn't helping me enough.

A friend of mine from my hometown in SoCal just offered for me to move in with his family. I am sort of considering it right now but at the same time I feel like I would be giving up on the life I am trying to carve out up here in the Bay Area. I could see myself here for a while. This set-up could be exactly what I need though. They live a few blocks from the beach, I would have a room rent free and his mom cooks amazing food constantly. I get along with his whole family. Tough call because I do not like a lot of things about SoCal. Especially the driving.

The cool thing is I am a pal now though! Haha.

Edit: And I quasi-regret posting all of that on a messageboard. Sometimes I wonder what it is about this place that makes me spill my guts.

And I almost feel like I am bullshitting people on here. I look at a post I wrote up top and it makes me realize that either some things have gone wrong really quickly or I am starting to realize some of the my supposed improvements are just new manifestations of my problems if that makes any sense (i.e. have gained lots of self-confidence with approaching women and now it is a new issue).

a change in scenery would probably be a good thing for you.  And living with that family will solve your lonliness

[Bronson]

Alright, time for a rant as I am drunk at 5:28 on a weekday. As I type this, I don't really know where this is going to go... Anywho, life is fucked up. I don't know if anyone remembers my real confessions post about my fucked up childhood, my parents dying under fucked up circumstances and the PTSD. In that post I talked about how I was feeling great and happy... turns out that was sort of temporary. I mean, maybe that is not fair to me because I was seriously really suicidal a few months ago but when I talked about feeling better it was in the relative context of not wanting to die. I am not really overly depressed like I was a few months ago but am still riddled with anxiety and get really lonely. So here is what has been going on...

First, my knee is blown out and has been for over a year. I want skating back. It is my outlet. I was filming a video (one that is mostly fisheye) and have had to stop that even because I know it is delaying my healing. There is a chance my knee will not get much better.

I am so strapped with intense anxiety that if anything goes wrong in my life I find it hard to do anything. I have a job (sell furniture), a great internship and a degree from Berkeley but can't get in the right state of mind to really pursue a serious job search. I work 52 hours a week, 6 days a week so it is hard to find the motivation to really apply myself in a job search. It doesn't help that my volunteer coordinator at my internship is pretty cold towards me and my boss is only happy when I am selling a lot. I also work alone in a store that not a lot of people go into so I am alone a lot. I don't think those people realize that I don't have much in life so the way they speak to me has an affect. And I feel trapped because I want to get a job in non-profit and I know if I leave either gig it will be harder to find my ideal job. I also constantly question whether or not I am even capable of functioning in a regular work environment because of my problems.

My sister is becoming a workaholic. She never answers my calls in the daytime, which is when anything intense that can happen in my life does happen. I find myself stuck in these fucked up moods with no one to talk to. She is my only family I am in contact with and she has really dropped the ball on supporting me. By the time she calls me I am too emotionally exhausted to want to talk about it.

I am lonely. I have friends, more so now than I have had in a while but still don't get too many calls to hang out. I feel like I always need to initiate contact. This may sound fucked up but sometimes I am unhappy with the quality of my friends.

I have become sort of obsessed with picking up on women. I 'go fishing' ,so to speak, a lot. Sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. It is completely unhealthy though because I know it is me being co-dependent and wanting to fill a void of the lack of family. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship. I was in a fucked up relationship for 3 years just because I don't want to be alone. I have dated multiple women in the past few months and sometimes it is going so well on the first or second date and I think there is something there. But it always fails somehow. I feel like my fucked up emotions must bleed through or something. I mean, on the surface I seem like a happy and friendly guy but maybe women sense my fucked up emotions. I just had a textbook example of this happen. I really thought there was something there. Our last date ended on a heavy make-out session. So you think this chick would be into me? No! No fucking clue what happened. That is why I am starting to believe that women are sensing something wrong with me. And rightly so, I feel fucked up. I have all these dreaded visions of being single, 40 and in a shitty job... and maybe crazy.

So anyway, I want some shit to change. I am trying. I don't want to die now but I am getting tired of the bullshit.

We have a lot in common, even though I can not even begin to try to understand how hard your childhood must have been. I have a similar health issue to your blown out knee, my hip has prevented me from skating for nearly a year now and there is no telling if it will ever heal. I also make videos, or used to, which is a great creative outlet, and also has a fantastic social aspect to it. Maybe you need to find new hobbies or healthier past-times? I know I do. You should be proud of having accomplished so much, you have a degree and what appears to be a steady job that apparently consumes a lot of your time, but do you think there could be some fun activity for you to do in your freetime, maybe one that does not involve alcohol?

It seems you have a fear of being alone? I do. I feel like I need to work on myself in order to have a healthy relationship. I hope I dont come across as preachy, and I will readily admit that I also have days where I feel like complete shit (like my last post), but there are always better days.

I think it? also good to have at least one person you can talk to completely honestly about everything. I myself have a big problem hiding my true feelings from people because it feels so scary. I dont think you should feel regret about posting about your problems here, you are reaching out and sharing your problems, which is both healthy and takes courage. Be proud!


Also, if you are feeling really really down, have you tried anti-depressants? I know they have lots of faults but at least they are better than the alternative.

Good luck and all the best for you!

[happenstance]

I have tried anti-deppressants and they made me feel worse. Most days I am not really depressed anyway. I have intense anxiety which is different I think. I guess the lonely feelings can be construed as a form of depression. Overall, I am not as deppressed as I was a few months ago. Yesterday was an absolutely horrible day though. Long story short is that I started dating this girl that I have known for nine years and always had a thing for but just recently was the first time we were both single at the same time. She was the one I was talking about in that post up there.

I know I need someone I can always talk to but that is precisely my problem, there isn't anyone. My sister is it and she barely answers my calls. My mind went buck-wild last night and I said some really fucked up things to her and she won't even talk to me right now.

As to finding new hobbies, I am working on it.

Anyway, life goes on. I vented some gnarly shit I had stewing up inside of me. I am definitely not through the thick of it yet since my sister won't even talk to me right now.

edit: Starting to feel better right now. Thanks dudes for the kind words. Gnars have been issued.

[LOU.502]

i had a post on the last page about shit going wrong. its only gotten worse. my parents gave me some bullshit ultimatum earlier today. by tomorrow i have to decide if i want to go to detox then rehab, or i get kicked out again. permanently this time. im so scared to go and commit, but if i get kicked out this time im officially homeless. i have nowhere to go. none of my frinds wil even let me stay on their couch for a minute to collect myself because they're all wanting me to go to rehab and sick of my shit. that fucking whore it turns out was lying to me this whole time and just randomly started fucking my good friend and is now "going out" with him. when confronted about it she told me she didnt give a shit whether i lived or died and hung up the phone. im at a complete loss guys. i have no idea what to do. i dont wanna stop drinking and at the same time i know i dont wanna keep drinking. and going away to rehab scares the shit outta me. ive always been scared of change of any knd, and that seems like one of the most drastic changes i can undergo. my mind is so clouded right now. all of these things have happened within the last 36 hours and i have to have my final decision by tomorrow morning. im sober for the first night in years right now and yet this is the least clearly ive ever been able to think. i feel like im at the end of my rope. all i can think about is suicide right now. i think im too much of a pussy though? shit i just have no idea what to do at all. but i did get some awesome revenge on that bitch. i still had 3 of her apartment keys. yesterday i gave two of them to some seperate groups of homeless people with the building number and apartment number and told them to "come up and chill if it gets too cold or anything" they seemed hyped. still got one more key to give out. shits gonna be awkward for her im sure

[oyolar]

When you're doing shit like that and contemplating suicide, your decision is already made man (at least to me). Go get clean and pull yourself together. You have people that care enough about you to call you out on your shit so listen to them.

[DaSk8D00D]

@ LOU its gonna take more effort to dig yourself OUT of the hole than it took to dig it in the first place. overcoming the fear of change & going to rehab & committing yourself to that lifestyle for a short period of time is your way out. i know you may fear change, but dont you think you NEED that change by now? you just gotta suck it up and dive in. its gonna be hard at first but itll get easier & easier over time and it the grand scheme of things youll find that the payback you get from it will be more that worth the initial anxiety. just dont do something so drastic like committing suicide without exercising your other options. rehab is that mountain you have to climb that will alter your lifestyle & get you back on the right track. you'll never wake up with all these problems just magically gone, and alcohol is just going to band aid the mental/emotional wounds you have but never actually heal them, only make them worse over time. you gotta sacrifice short-term comfort & gratification for long-term happiness & success. you can do it tho man. the fact that you posting about it in here shows that you have a conscious & that deep-down you really wanna change, but at the same time its not gonna get you that far in the long run you just gotta DO it. goto rehab man, it may be difficult to do at first but the payoff will be more than worth it.

[finknoos]

If you do decide to go down the rehab route please please please choose a reputable one. Ive had friends that went to rehab to get over alcohol and cocaine and ended up doing heroine a couple times and much harder shit, this is purley because when youre with other people who are also trying to quit something you all get put in the same boat. This can put you in a mindset of equality and normality with people in completley different situations with different addictions.
you must be carefull with whichever route you take, from experience i believe the best way to get away from addiction and general life problems is to completley take yourself away from the situation and try to free up your mind.
The friend i mentioned who ended up doing heroine realised what had happened and ended up going to live in a monestary in nepal for a year to get away from everything, get a different perspectave on life because he figured essentially running away from your problems could be the most effective way of dealing with them.
Good luck lou, i know you'll pull through

[ice nine]

I agree with dask8dood, don't kill yourself untill you try rehab at least once. Gimme that key lou

[David]

Lou, give yourself a chance. See how rehab might work out for you.

[mandibleclaw]

i ate a whole box of cookies a few days ago, and haven't pooped since

[GarglesCmen]

i ate a whole box of cookies a few days ago, and haven't pooped since

I know that feeling. The worst is when you go to shit and barely anything comes out even though you feel bloated as fuck and you know you ate alot.

[sleepypancakes]

Because of the stigma that society has placed on sexuality, I sometimes get violently upset with who I am because of it.

Also, I realized today that I'm a Bohemian-ArtGrad-Skating asshole sometimes.

[mandibleclaw]

I POOPED!!!!!!

[GarglesCmen]

I POOPED!!!!!!

Congrats on the bowel movement!

[Cadillac Ranch Dressing]

I POOPED!!!!!!

Gnar'd

[ivegotlevitation]

I POOPED!!!!!!

good! now lay off the cookies for a while.

[planman]

Expand Quote

I'm a brony

[close]

I hope you're joking.

[trannies and mannies]

I get nervous around groups of people. Even in class if i have to say something aloud its hard for me.    Skateboarding is the only thing that keeps me sane       Ive never had a real girlfriend (im 17)      I constantly think ill regret anything im doing

[DaSk8D00D]

I get nervous around groups of people. Even in class if i have to say something aloud its hard for me.    Skateboarding is the only thing that keeps me sane       Ive never had a real girlfriend (im 17)      I constantly think ill regret anything im doing

you read some david deangelo shit. man transformation & shit like that. forreal i been readin/watchin that shit myself & it really helps you look at shit differently & start to build your self-confidence. you can find the audiobooks & videos on thepiratebay. i aint even talkin about the dating stuff im talkin bout that inner game.

[GarglesCmen]

I get nervous around groups of people. Even in class if i have to say something aloud its hard for me.    Skateboarding is the only thing that keeps me sane       Ive never had a real girlfriend (im 17)      I constantly think ill regret anything im doing

I know these all too well, it is just something you grow out of. For me, everything just clicked one day, I just stopped caring to a certain extent. I don't know what I did though to overcome there thought processes though.