real confessions

[Omamori]

I might have posted about this before, but I get really fast mood swings. Some random thought can pop into my head and turn me from feeling fine to feeling like complete shit. Several times a day. Hundreds maybe. Usually I just start to wonder why I suddenly feel so shitty and than I realize what the trigger might be. Than I feel like shit for feeling like shit from such petty shit and must assure myself with my therapists calming voice that the shit is not petty if it is important shit to me. Shit is hard work, yo.

I might be riding mah bike on a beautiful day all happy, when suddenly straight outta blue sky ZAP some shit-thought enters my mind and than I feel like drive-by-murkin pedestrians. Than I feel bad for thinking such evil things. That is something akin to insanity, is it not? Or does me being conscious about it make it less insane?

Do most people experience the same thing? Or are some people just more prone to it? Or does it mean you have shitty genes and must spend the rest of your life playing Call Of Duty in your parents basement, spawn-camping? So many questions.

My girlfriend deals with the same issue but to a lesser degree. She's doing better. What has helped her is positive thinking. She had a rough upbringing so I imagine that is the root of her issue.

[Aidan Clarke]

I just want to say thanks for listening to my bitching. I've got no one else. It's very evident right now because I can't even get anyone to come to the bar with me even when I'm trying to bribe them with weed and drinks. I just want to go to goth night once. My anxiety is going through the roof.

the shit you talk about is pretty serious. i have a few questions though...

do your friends know that you post on slap? and if they do, do they know your name?

and do they actually know what youre going through? like have you ever sat down and really verbalized your feelings to them and allow them into your world?


slap is good for you since everyone here generally likes you and it seems like youre a decent enough person that deserves happiness, but slap can only give you so much. the message boards are nothing compared to real human contact, you know a real person to person bond. the mind craves it, and even though youre talking to everyone through the computer youre still never actually looking at another person.

what about the friends that you have from skating? if i remember correctly you posted a video of you skating and you were with a bunch of guys that were hyped on the trick that you did, i mean why not go out with them?

are you still having a hard time with girls?

[Peter Zagreus]

What is mood? What is feeling? What is life? What is death? What is suicide? What are friends? Where are the standards? What are drugs? What is anxiety? These are words. They approximate. There is relativity. There is choice. Where does an ideal originate? Who posits the ideal? Who is that 'person?' Where do we learn the words? Who declares the weight of a word? What do the emotions of another mean to you in relation to your own perception of what your emotions mean in the perception of that other as perceived by you? Would you kill another before you killed yourself? Suicide? How long is a human life in relation to _____? What is your perception of time?

[Rumpleforeskin]

Good news, guys!  I have some friends are getting a place and want me to move in with them!  I'll be moving out of this shithole in several months to a nicer apartment with people I actually like and I'll be paying half as much rent! 

[Aidan Clarke]

remember when cayne gayle and rob dyrdek used to wear matching outfits?

[@thewilleasley]

Good news, guys!  I have some friends are getting a place and want me to move in with them!  I'll be moving out of this shithole in several months to a nicer apartment with people I actually like and I'll be paying half as much rent! 

fuck yeah man good for you. thats what im sayin tho you keep that positive attitude & the shit just comes to you.

[paraquat]

remember when cayne gayle and rob dyrdek used to wear matching outfits?

[L33Tg33k]

Expand Quote

I just want to say thanks for listening to my bitching. I've got no one else. It's very evident right now because I can't even get anyone to come to the bar with me even when I'm trying to bribe them with weed and drinks. I just want to go to goth night once. My anxiety is going through the roof.

[close]

the shit you talk about is pretty serious. i have a few questions though...

do your friends know that you post on slap? and if they do, do they know your name?

and do they actually know what youre going through? like have you ever sat down and really verbalized your feelings to them and allow them into your world?


slap is good for you since everyone here generally likes you and it seems like youre a decent enough person that deserves happiness, but slap can only give you so much. the message boards are nothing compared to real human contact, you know a real person to person bond. the mind craves it, and even though youre talking to everyone through the computer youre still never actually looking at another person.

what about the friends that you have from skating? if i remember correctly you posted a video of you skating and you were with a bunch of guys that were hyped on the trick that you did, i mean why not go out with them?

are you still having a hard time with girls?

First thing you guys gotta understand is there was no time in my memory that I've been happy. I had no friends until I was 17. I hung out with nobody in school, was constantly bullied, and had already had multiple massive panic attacks on campus. I transferred to a charter school in my sophomore year because I couldn't stand going to school any more. It was around that time that I figured out that I didn't have to keep living if I didn't want to.The people that I knew up to that point were just acquaintances of circumstance. There were a couple of brothers that moved to my neighborhood that would always come to my house to skate with me. They were the most horrible abusive bastards towards me. I couldn't get away from them because they knew where I lived and I sort of didn't want to get away because then I'd be alone again anyway. I'm also pretty certain they stole a couple expensive and meaningful things from my house, but I'll never know for sure. We would skate with the neighborhood heads that I didn't really know how to talk to. Everyone knew who I was though. The brothers finally got out of my life when they moved/got incarcerated. With their departure also went my lifeline to skate community because I never approached anyone, never had anyone's numbers, and felt downright uncomfortable going to people's houses. When a skatepark opened up down the street from my house that was the first time I thought I formed real relationships. The skatepark used to have a fee to get in so everyone would see the same people everyday. It was $30 for three months. Only people with the ability to put together that type of scratch every 90 days could get in so it was a highly exclusive club. I think I became good friends with two people in particular, but that friendship has pretty much faded. Either I didn't understand how relationships worked between people, or I was never as close to certain people as I thought I was. Either way, my understanding of social interaction had been permanently skewed and informed by the loneliness that was the majority of my life.   The people you saw in that clip were an amalgamation of the people that I got to know over all those years. They were making fun of me because I never get clips so they pretended to lose their shit over what I would consider an embarrassing trick.

As for girls, I've never had trouble with girls. You have to know girls to have trouble with girls. It's also kind of hard to convince yourself  you have something to offer a woman when you hate your own guts. Now I'm certain I could talk circles around the majority of people and convince a girl that I'm the shit, but I'm not comfortable putting on that mask in real world situations with real world consequences. I'm completely not attracted to most females I see based on their perceived personalities. I know that's an unfair sentiment because I can't possibly know a person until I speak to them, but it's a hard feeling to shake and it's even harder to approach. I hate the idea of the chase and the shitty facades people put on to do their ritualistic courting. I'm disgusted every time I see it. The thing is, how the hell am I going to see behind other people's mask if I don't make the effort to make them comfortable taking it off? It's like that Shel Silverstein poem someone posted recently.

[Monkey_Mcpott]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

I just want to say thanks for listening to my bitching. I've got no one else. It's very evident right now because I can't even get anyone to come to the bar with me even when I'm trying to bribe them with weed and drinks. I just want to go to goth night once. My anxiety is going through the roof.

[close]

the shit you talk about is pretty serious. i have a few questions though...

do your friends know that you post on slap? and if they do, do they know your name?

and do they actually know what youre going through? like have you ever sat down and really verbalized your feelings to them and allow them into your world?


slap is good for you since everyone here generally likes you and it seems like youre a decent enough person that deserves happiness, but slap can only give you so much. the message boards are nothing compared to real human contact, you know a real person to person bond. the mind craves it, and even though youre talking to everyone through the computer youre still never actually looking at another person.

what about the friends that you have from skating? if i remember correctly you posted a video of you skating and you were with a bunch of guys that were hyped on the trick that you did, i mean why not go out with them?

are you still having a hard time with girls?

[close]

First thing you guys gotta understand is there was no time in my memory that I've been happy. I had no friends until I was 17. I hung out with nobody in school, was constantly bullied, and had already had multiple massive panic attacks on campus. I transferred to a charter school in my sophomore year because I couldn't stand going to school any more. It was around that time that I figured out that I didn't have to keep living if I didn't want to.The people that I knew up to that point were just acquaintances of circumstance. There were a couple of brothers that moved to my neighborhood that would always come to my house to skate with me. They were the most horrible abusive bastards towards me. I couldn't get away from them because they knew where I lived and I sort of didn't want to get away because then I'd be alone again anyway. I'm also pretty certain they stole a couple expensive and meaningful things from my house, but I'll never know for sure. We would skate with the neighborhood heads that I didn't really know how to talk to. Everyone knew who I was though. The brothers finally got out of my life when they moved/got incarcerated. With their departure also went my lifeline to skate community because I never approached anyone, never had anyone's numbers, and felt downright uncomfortable going to people's houses. When a skatepark opened up down the street from my house that was the first time I thought I formed real relationships. The skatepark used to have a fee to get in so everyone would see the same people everyday. It was $30 for three months. Only people with the ability to put together that type of scratch every 90 days could get in so it was a highly exclusive club. I think I became good friends with two people in particular, but that friendship has pretty much faded. Either I didn't understand how relationships worked between people, or I was never as close to certain people as I thought I was. Either way, my understanding of social interaction had been permanently skewed and informed by the loneliness that was the majority of my life.   The people you saw in that clip were an amalgamation of the people that I got to know over all those years. They were making fun of me because I never get clips so they pretended to lose their shit over what I would consider an embarrassing trick.

As for girls, I've never had trouble with girls. You have to know girls to have trouble with girls. It's also kind of hard to convince yourself  you have something to offer a woman when you hate your own guts. Now I'm certain I could talk circles around the majority of people and convince a girl that I'm the shit, but I'm not comfortable putting on that mask in real world situations with real world consequences. I'm completely not attracted to most females I see based on their perceived personalities. I know that's an unfair sentiment because I can't possibly know a person until I speak to them, but it's a hard feeling to shake and it's even harder to approach. I hate the idea of the chase and the shitty facades people put on to do their ritualistic courting. I'm disgusted every time I see it. The thing is, how the hell am I going to see behind other people's mask if I don't make the effort to make them comfortable taking it off? It's like that Shel Silverstein poem someone posted recently.

You seem very unstable man, one minute your talking shit about somebody's post next you are pouring your heart out asking for a bit of sympathy and understanding. I know its hate forum but from personal experience its hard to take a bipolar person serious sometimes. Life is tough but humans are stronger. Find what makes you happy and stick with it.

[L33Tg33k]

When the hell did I talk shit about someone's posts? And this isn't exactly pouring my heart out. Other people have reservations and filters about what they can say to others. I don't because it's stupid. I say what I mean and mean what I say all the time. I could go way deeper into my psyche with my posts but there is a point where everything that needs to be said is said and expounding on it will give diminishing returns. What's important is to know your audience.

[ill_Murray]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

I just want to say thanks for listening to my bitching. I've got no one else. It's very evident right now because I can't even get anyone to come to the bar with me even when I'm trying to bribe them with weed and drinks. I just want to go to goth night once. My anxiety is going through the roof.

[close]

the shit you talk about is pretty serious. i have a few questions though...

do your friends know that you post on slap? and if they do, do they know your name?

and do they actually know what youre going through? like have you ever sat down and really verbalized your feelings to them and allow them into your world?


slap is good for you since everyone here generally likes you and it seems like youre a decent enough person that deserves happiness, but slap can only give you so much. the message boards are nothing compared to real human contact, you know a real person to person bond. the mind craves it, and even though youre talking to everyone through the computer youre still never actually looking at another person.

what about the friends that you have from skating? if i remember correctly you posted a video of you skating and you were with a bunch of guys that were hyped on the trick that you did, i mean why not go out with them?

are you still having a hard time with girls?

[close]

First thing you guys gotta understand is there was no time in my memory that I've been happy. I had no friends until I was 17. I hung out with nobody in school, was constantly bullied, and had already had multiple massive panic attacks on campus. I transferred to a charter school in my sophomore year because I couldn't stand going to school any more. It was around that time that I figured out that I didn't have to keep living if I didn't want to.The people that I knew up to that point were just acquaintances of circumstance. There were a couple of brothers that moved to my neighborhood that would always come to my house to skate with me. They were the most horrible abusive bastards towards me. I couldn't get away from them because they knew where I lived and I sort of didn't want to get away because then I'd be alone again anyway. I'm also pretty certain they stole a couple expensive and meaningful things from my house, but I'll never know for sure. We would skate with the neighborhood heads that I didn't really know how to talk to. Everyone knew who I was though. The brothers finally got out of my life when they moved/got incarcerated. With their departure also went my lifeline to skate community because I never approached anyone, never had anyone's numbers, and felt downright uncomfortable going to people's houses. When a skatepark opened up down the street from my house that was the first time I thought I formed real relationships. The skatepark used to have a fee to get in so everyone would see the same people everyday. It was $30 for three months. Only people with the ability to put together that type of scratch every 90 days could get in so it was a highly exclusive club. I think I became good friends with two people in particular, but that friendship has pretty much faded. Either I didn't understand how relationships worked between people, or I was never as close to certain people as I thought I was. Either way, my understanding of social interaction had been permanently skewed and informed by the loneliness that was the majority of my life.   The people you saw in that clip were an amalgamation of the people that I got to know over all those years. They were making fun of me because I never get clips so they pretended to lose their shit over what I would consider an embarrassing trick.

As for girls, I've never had trouble with girls. You have to know girls to have trouble with girls. It's also kind of hard to convince yourself  you have something to offer a woman when you hate your own guts. Now I'm certain I could talk circles around the majority of people and convince a girl that I'm the shit, but I'm not comfortable putting on that mask in real world situations with real world consequences. I'm completely not attracted to most females I see based on their perceived personalities. I know that's an unfair sentiment because I can't possibly know a person until I speak to them, but it's a hard feeling to shake and it's even harder to approach. I hate the idea of the chase and the shitty facades people put on to do their ritualistic courting. I'm disgusted every time I see it. The thing is, how the hell am I going to see behind other people's mask if I don't make the effort to make them comfortable taking it off? It's like that Shel Silverstein poem someone posted recently.

The stuff I bolded are things I've gone through or notions that I agree with, that being said, I also agree with your overall theme which, please correct me if I'm wrong here, is that you hate life because everyone is fucking shitty which has resulted in some serious negative personal imagery on your part.  Sadly it's true, 99 percent of people just fucking suck but I'd like to try to retain some hope that it's the shitty people that really make you appreciate the good ones.  I was in a very similar mind frame to you so I decided to move across the country.  Have you ever considered just moving and making a fresh start?

[ThugWaffle]

[L33Tg33k]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

I just want to say thanks for listening to my bitching. I've got no one else. It's very evident right now because I can't even get anyone to come to the bar with me even when I'm trying to bribe them with weed and drinks. I just want to go to goth night once. My anxiety is going through the roof.

[close]

the shit you talk about is pretty serious. i have a few questions though...

do your friends know that you post on slap? and if they do, do they know your name?

and do they actually know what youre going through? like have you ever sat down and really verbalized your feelings to them and allow them into your world?


slap is good for you since everyone here generally likes you and it seems like youre a decent enough person that deserves happiness, but slap can only give you so much. the message boards are nothing compared to real human contact, you know a real person to person bond. the mind craves it, and even though youre talking to everyone through the computer youre still never actually looking at another person.

what about the friends that you have from skating? if i remember correctly you posted a video of you skating and you were with a bunch of guys that were hyped on the trick that you did, i mean why not go out with them?

are you still having a hard time with girls?

[close]

First thing you guys gotta understand is there was no time in my memory that I've been happy. I had no friends until I was 17. I hung out with nobody in school, was constantly bullied, and had already had multiple massive panic attacks on campus. I transferred to a charter school in my sophomore year because I couldn't stand going to school any more. It was around that time that I figured out that I didn't have to keep living if I didn't want to.The people that I knew up to that point were just acquaintances of circumstance. There were a couple of brothers that moved to my neighborhood that would always come to my house to skate with me. They were the most horrible abusive bastards towards me. I couldn't get away from them because they knew where I lived and I sort of didn't want to get away because then I'd be alone again anyway. I'm also pretty certain they stole a couple expensive and meaningful things from my house, but I'll never know for sure. We would skate with the neighborhood heads that I didn't really know how to talk to. Everyone knew who I was though. The brothers finally got out of my life when they moved/got incarcerated. With their departure also went my lifeline to skate community because I never approached anyone, never had anyone's numbers, and felt downright uncomfortable going to people's houses. When a skatepark opened up down the street from my house that was the first time I thought I formed real relationships. The skatepark used to have a fee to get in so everyone would see the same people everyday. It was $30 for three months. Only people with the ability to put together that type of scratch every 90 days could get in so it was a highly exclusive club. I think I became good friends with two people in particular, but that friendship has pretty much faded. Either I didn't understand how relationships worked between people, or I was never as close to certain people as I thought I was. Either way, my understanding of social interaction had been permanently skewed and informed by the loneliness that was the majority of my life.   The people you saw in that clip were an amalgamation of the people that I got to know over all those years. They were making fun of me because I never get clips so they pretended to lose their shit over what I would consider an embarrassing trick.

As for girls, I've never had trouble with girls. You have to know girls to have trouble with girls. It's also kind of hard to convince yourself  you have something to offer a woman when you hate your own guts. Now I'm certain I could talk circles around the majority of people and convince a girl that I'm the shit, but I'm not comfortable putting on that mask in real world situations with real world consequences. I'm completely not attracted to most females I see based on their perceived personalities. I know that's an unfair sentiment because I can't possibly know a person until I speak to them, but it's a hard feeling to shake and it's even harder to approach. I hate the idea of the chase and the shitty facades people put on to do their ritualistic courting. I'm disgusted every time I see it. The thing is, how the hell am I going to see behind other people's mask if I don't make the effort to make them comfortable taking it off? It's like that Shel Silverstein poem someone posted recently.

[close]

The stuff I bolded are things I've gone through or notions that I agree with, that being said, I also agree with your overall theme which, please correct me if I'm wrong here, is that you hate life because everyone is fucking shitty which has resulted in some serious negative personal imagery on your part.  Sadly it's true, 99 percent of people just fucking suck but I'd like to try to retain some hope that it's the shitty people that really make you appreciate the good ones.  I was in a very similar mind frame to you so I decided to move across the country.  Have you ever considered just moving and making a fresh start?

Oh, no no no. You're not the first person to get that impression so maybe there's more truth to it than I realize, but I don't feel like I harbor animosity towards anybody or people in general. I just don't feel like it's possible for me to happy in this world because people don't jive with the way that my brain works. I feel like I run on linux to everyone else's windows. I don't blame anyone for it. I just can't make myself assimilate. I often find myself struggling to understand why anyone continues with life or how they could possibly be happy with the predicament of existence. Are they just going through the motions because it's all they know or because they no choice? Does anyone genuinely enjoy it or are we all just making it day to day? As someone that doesn't enjoy it, why should I have to subject myself to it? And shit, why should I have to be scared of ending it? It's all very existential. Maybe I'd want to stick around if I got into hedonism.

[ill_Murray]

Oh, no no no. You're not the first person to get that impression so maybe there's more truth to it than I realize, but I don't feel like I harbor animosity towards anybody or people in general. I just don't feel like it's possible for me to happy in this world because people don't jive with the way that my brain works. I feel like I run on linux to everyone else's windows. I don't blame anyone for it. I just can't make myself assimilate. I often find myself struggling to understand why anyone continues with life or how they could possibly be happy with the predicament of existence. Are they just going through the motions because it's all they know or because they no choice? Does anyone genuinely enjoy it or are we all just making it day to day? As someone that doesn't enjoy it, why should I have to subject myself to it? And shit, why should I have to be scared of ending it? It's all very existential. Maybe I'd want to stick around if I got into hedonism.
[/quote]

This is something I find myself wondering about pretty often as well.  Take for instance, the human constructs of jobs/money.  It makes no fucking sense that during our limited time available to us on this planet that we would squander it doing menial labor.  Why create tension and shit for ourselves like that, I don't get it either.  Maybe you're looking at this suicide thing the wrong way, in regards to being scared to end it.  Didn't Hunter S Thompson say something like "I'd feel terribly trapped in this life if I didn't know I could kill myself whenever I wanted." Oddly enough, I take a lot of comfort from that quote.  There are definitely times where I thought, shit I could make the pain stop instantly and that dark sentiment itself actually is what allowed me to keep continuing forward and get myself to a place where I'm generally happy.  The main factor that keeps people going through the motions is fear.  Fear of failing, fear of exclusion, fear of new things, keep people stuck on the tracks that they run around everyday.  I can see how having a mindset that conflicts with this can cause you so much pain but honestly man, celebrate it.  You come off as pretty intelligent and a decent human being, come kick it in LA sometime, beaches, sunshine, spots/parks and weed for days, sounds like you need to do some smiling.

[Jim and Dan]

Humans cannot live with in the confines of a totalitarian capitalist society; plain and simple.

Aggregations of toil & misery will be the plight of the masses, as predicted by Marx & Malthus in the late 19th century.

Trust g33k, I don't think your feelings on various states of affairs are atypical; a lot of what you say rings true in these ears mate.

Society/People/America/The World are fucked up beyond all repair, a striking reflection of history & the rapidity of change.

Like me, you have thought for yourself g33k, a dangerous predicament in a world breed for conformity & complacence.

[the snake]

broke up with my girlfriend for 15 years , my wife, 3 months ago, she got depressed and lost her mind and soul, medics just made things gone worse, she slept with several assholes because of the deshinibition effects, like a free whore, our life together is totally fucked, but i keep my mind clear for our 4 years old daughter, skateboarding is a great help too....

[SodaJerk]

broke up with my girlfriend for 15 years , my wife, 3 months ago, she got depressed and lost her mind and soul, medics just made things gone worse, she slept with several assholes because of the deshinibition effects, like a free whore, our life together is totally fucked, but i keep my mind clear for our 4 years old daughter, skateboarding is a great help too....

Sounds like hard times. Hope you can make your situation better snake.

[Joust Ostrich]

Well, on a lighter note, I just came to say that I can't stand Al Roker.  Do your fucking weather, and then get off camera.

[L33Tg33k]

broke up with my girlfriend for 15 years , my wife, 3 months ago, she got depressed and lost her mind and soul, medics just made things gone worse, she slept with several assholes because of the deshinibition effects, like a free whore, our life together is totally fucked, but i keep my mind clear for our 4 years old daughter, skateboarding is a great help too....

I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry. You had someone you loved and trusted with your life betray you and turn into a stranger and that fucking hurts more than most anything I can imagine in the world. I'm very sorry.

My grandfather has CJD and only has a couple months to live. CJD, Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, is a rare disease that functions like something akin to mad cow disease for humans. The victim loses cognitive ability and must receive 24 hour care for the remainder of their life. Now, I'm not that close to my grandfather. To be honest, I don't even like the man. My mother on the other hand is getting torn apart and it's terrible to see. When she found out her father was sick she didn't know what it was, but knew it was serious enough that she had to drive from here to Oklahoma to pick him up and take him to a hospital near our home. All the while she was under the assumption that he would either get better soon and go back to wherever he wanted to be, or what she thought was the worst case scenario, he'd have to stay at our house in his old age. Turns out it's this rare fatal incurable disease and I find myself visiting 24 hour care hospice facilities to help place him somewhere suitable.

My mom's gone through so much fucking bullshit and it's just not fair. The father of her first child disappeared on her when she was going to college. The father of her other two children was an absentee parent at the very most before she divorced him and he disappeared. She puts her drug addict older brother up in her house rent free. She has watched me, her youngest, grow up and fail to have the ability to succeed in life. She watched her middle child be put in prison for 7 years. For the first year he was gone she used to cry every night. Now she has to watch her father, a paragon of strength and independence, slowly lose himself and die. At least her first child graduated from college and has a job, that's a success. We're all proud of him.

[the snake]

it's great to see family taking care of each other in hard times, it gives life a sense...without my family i'd be homeless right now...
thanks for the kind words leetgeek, i'm ok, worse things can happen in life than what i've been through lately, i'm happy to have a child to raise 2 weeks a month, one week with each other, and her mother seems to be on a better way of living since 2 weeks
stay with us dude, alive and awakened, life can be a bitch sometimes, but it's worthwhile

[GAY]

I have social anxiety in crowded areas other than skate parks/ spots.

My social anxiety ramps up everywhere...particularly when other skaters are around. Makes for some lonely skatin'.

[smokecrack]

broke up with my girlfriend for 15 years , my wife, 3 months ago, she got depressed and lost her mind and soul, medics just made things gone worse, she slept with several assholes because of the deshinibition effects, like a free whore, our life together is totally fucked, but i keep my mind clear for our 4 years old daughter, skateboarding is a great help too....

i'm so sorry this happened to you.  i remember reading this post of yours a few months ago and it broke my heart.

Thanks for the good vibes, pals, i really hope things will get better, i don't want to loose my little family

i seriously was brought to tears when i first read it. i'm not a married man/have no children, but i sincerely felt your pain.

hopefully you can hang in there and be as optimistic as possible. i wish you the best, man.

[paraquat]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

I just want to say thanks for listening to my bitching. I've got no one else. It's very evident right now because I can't even get anyone to come to the bar with me even when I'm trying to bribe them with weed and drinks. I just want to go to goth night once. My anxiety is going through the roof.

[close]

the shit you talk about is pretty serious. i have a few questions though...

do your friends know that you post on slap? and if they do, do they know your name?

and do they actually know what youre going through? like have you ever sat down and really verbalized your feelings to them and allow them into your world?


slap is good for you since everyone here generally likes you and it seems like youre a decent enough person that deserves happiness, but slap can only give you so much. the message boards are nothing compared to real human contact, you know a real person to person bond. the mind craves it, and even though youre talking to everyone through the computer youre still never actually looking at another person.

what about the friends that you have from skating? if i remember correctly you posted a video of you skating and you were with a bunch of guys that were hyped on the trick that you did, i mean why not go out with them?

are you still having a hard time with girls?

[close]

First thing you guys gotta understand is there was no time in my memory that I've been happy. I had no friends until I was 17. I hung out with nobody in school, was constantly bullied, and had already had multiple massive panic attacks on campus. I transferred to a charter school in my sophomore year because I couldn't stand going to school any more. It was around that time that I figured out that I didn't have to keep living if I didn't want to.The people that I knew up to that point were just acquaintances of circumstance. There were a couple of brothers that moved to my neighborhood that would always come to my house to skate with me. They were the most horrible abusive bastards towards me. I couldn't get away from them because they knew where I lived and I sort of didn't want to get away because then I'd be alone again anyway. I'm also pretty certain they stole a couple expensive and meaningful things from my house, but I'll never know for sure. We would skate with the neighborhood heads that I didn't really know how to talk to. Everyone knew who I was though. The brothers finally got out of my life when they moved/got incarcerated. With their departure also went my lifeline to skate community because I never approached anyone, never had anyone's numbers, and felt downright uncomfortable going to people's houses. When a skatepark opened up down the street from my house that was the first time I thought I formed real relationships. The skatepark used to have a fee to get in so everyone would see the same people everyday. It was $30 for three months. Only people with the ability to put together that type of scratch every 90 days could get in so it was a highly exclusive club. I think I became good friends with two people in particular, but that friendship has pretty much faded. Either I didn't understand how relationships worked between people, or I was never as close to certain people as I thought I was. Either way, my understanding of social interaction had been permanently skewed and informed by the loneliness that was the majority of my life.   The people you saw in that clip were an amalgamation of the people that I got to know over all those years. They were making fun of me because I never get clips so they pretended to lose their shit over what I would consider an embarrassing trick.

As for girls, I've never had trouble with girls. You have to know girls to have trouble with girls. It's also kind of hard to convince yourself  you have something to offer a woman when you hate your own guts. Now I'm certain I could talk circles around the majority of people and convince a girl that I'm the shit, but I'm not comfortable putting on that mask in real world situations with real world consequences. I'm completely not attracted to most females I see based on their perceived personalities. I know that's an unfair sentiment because I can't possibly know a person until I speak to them, but it's a hard feeling to shake and it's even harder to approach. I hate the idea of the chase and the shitty facades people put on to do their ritualistic courting. I'm disgusted every time I see it. The thing is, how the hell am I going to see behind other people's mask if I don't make the effort to make them comfortable taking it off? It's like that Shel Silverstein poem someone posted recently.

[close]

The stuff I bolded are things I've gone through or notions that I agree with, that being said, I also agree with your overall theme which, please correct me if I'm wrong here, is that you hate life because everyone is fucking shitty which has resulted in some serious negative personal imagery on your part.  Sadly it's true, 99 percent of people just fucking suck but I'd like to try to retain some hope that it's the shitty people that really make you appreciate the good ones.  I was in a very similar mind frame to you so I decided to move across the country.  Have you ever considered just moving and making a fresh start?

[close]

Oh, no no no. You're not the first person to get that impression so maybe there's more truth to it than I realize, but I don't feel like I harbor animosity towards anybody or people in general. I just don't feel like it's possible for me to happy in this world because people don't jive with the way that my brain works. I feel like I run on linux to everyone else's windows. I don't blame anyone for it. I just can't make myself assimilate. I often find myself struggling to understand why anyone continues with life or how they could possibly be happy with the predicament of existence. Are they just going through the motions because it's all they know or because they no choice? Does anyone genuinely enjoy it or are we all just making it day to day? As someone that doesn't enjoy it, why should I have to subject myself to it? And shit, why should I have to be scared of ending it? It's all very existential. Maybe I'd want to stick around if I got into hedonism.

Longest quote in slap history like 47.5 inches

[L33Tg33k]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

I just want to say thanks for listening to my bitching. I've got no one else. It's very evident right now because I can't even get anyone to come to the bar with me even when I'm trying to bribe them with weed and drinks. I just want to go to goth night once. My anxiety is going through the roof.

[close]

the shit you talk about is pretty serious. i have a few questions though...

do your friends know that you post on slap? and if they do, do they know your name?

and do they actually know what youre going through? like have you ever sat down and really verbalized your feelings to them and allow them into your world?


slap is good for you since everyone here generally likes you and it seems like youre a decent enough person that deserves happiness, but slap can only give you so much. the message boards are nothing compared to real human contact, you know a real person to person bond. the mind craves it, and even though youre talking to everyone through the computer youre still never actually looking at another person.

what about the friends that you have from skating? if i remember correctly you posted a video of you skating and you were with a bunch of guys that were hyped on the trick that you did, i mean why not go out with them?

are you still having a hard time with girls?

[close]

First thing you guys gotta understand is there was no time in my memory that I've been happy. I had no friends until I was 17. I hung out with nobody in school, was constantly bullied, and had already had multiple massive panic attacks on campus. I transferred to a charter school in my sophomore year because I couldn't stand going to school any more. It was around that time that I figured out that I didn't have to keep living if I didn't want to.The people that I knew up to that point were just acquaintances of circumstance. There were a couple of brothers that moved to my neighborhood that would always come to my house to skate with me. They were the most horrible abusive bastards towards me. I couldn't get away from them because they knew where I lived and I sort of didn't want to get away because then I'd be alone again anyway. I'm also pretty certain they stole a couple expensive and meaningful things from my house, but I'll never know for sure. We would skate with the neighborhood heads that I didn't really know how to talk to. Everyone knew who I was though. The brothers finally got out of my life when they moved/got incarcerated. With their departure also went my lifeline to skate community because I never approached anyone, never had anyone's numbers, and felt downright uncomfortable going to people's houses. When a skatepark opened up down the street from my house that was the first time I thought I formed real relationships. The skatepark used to have a fee to get in so everyone would see the same people everyday. It was $30 for three months. Only people with the ability to put together that type of scratch every 90 days could get in so it was a highly exclusive club. I think I became good friends with two people in particular, but that friendship has pretty much faded. Either I didn't understand how relationships worked between people, or I was never as close to certain people as I thought I was. Either way, my understanding of social interaction had been permanently skewed and informed by the loneliness that was the majority of my life.   The people you saw in that clip were an amalgamation of the people that I got to know over all those years. They were making fun of me because I never get clips so they pretended to lose their shit over what I would consider an embarrassing trick.

As for girls, I've never had trouble with girls. You have to know girls to have trouble with girls. It's also kind of hard to convince yourself  you have something to offer a woman when you hate your own guts. Now I'm certain I could talk circles around the majority of people and convince a girl that I'm the shit, but I'm not comfortable putting on that mask in real world situations with real world consequences. I'm completely not attracted to most females I see based on their perceived personalities. I know that's an unfair sentiment because I can't possibly know a person until I speak to them, but it's a hard feeling to shake and it's even harder to approach. I hate the idea of the chase and the shitty facades people put on to do their ritualistic courting. I'm disgusted every time I see it. The thing is, how the hell am I going to see behind other people's mask if I don't make the effort to make them comfortable taking it off? It's like that Shel Silverstein poem someone posted recently.

[close]

The stuff I bolded are things I've gone through or notions that I agree with, that being said, I also agree with your overall theme which, please correct me if I'm wrong here, is that you hate life because everyone is fucking shitty which has resulted in some serious negative personal imagery on your part.  Sadly it's true, 99 percent of people just fucking suck but I'd like to try to retain some hope that it's the shitty people that really make you appreciate the good ones.  I was in a very similar mind frame to you so I decided to move across the country.  Have you ever considered just moving and making a fresh start?

[close]

Oh, no no no. You're not the first person to get that impression so maybe there's more truth to it than I realize, but I don't feel like I harbor animosity towards anybody or people in general. I just don't feel like it's possible for me to happy in this world because people don't jive with the way that my brain works. I feel like I run on linux to everyone else's windows. I don't blame anyone for it. I just can't make myself assimilate. I often find myself struggling to understand why anyone continues with life or how they could possibly be happy with the predicament of existence. Are they just going through the motions because it's all they know or because they no choice? Does anyone genuinely enjoy it or are we all just making it day to day? As someone that doesn't enjoy it, why should I have to subject myself to it? And shit, why should I have to be scared of ending it? It's all very existential. Maybe I'd want to stick around if I got into hedonism.

[close]

Longest quote in slap history like 47.5 inches

Apparently you've never seen Gipper's posts in his heyday. We can keep working on this one though.

[greenmilktea]

Expand Quote

I have social anxiety in crowded areas other than skate parks/ spots.

[close]

My social anxiety ramps up everywhere...particularly when other skaters are around. Makes for some lonely skatin'.

i'm the same exact way, unless i'm with some friends it feels like i just can't function on a skateboard anymore. i'm either too annoyed with everyone around me or too self conscious and end up feeling like everyone is just staring me down

[the snake]

thank you sodajerk and smokecrack, i appreciate

[arthurspooner]

im addicted to sleeping pills

[ThugWaffle]

im addicted to sleeping pills

I used to be addicted to sleeping pills. Well I wouldn't say addicted but I diagnosticated myself with insomnia. I was scared to lose a night sleep if I didn't take em. That's pretty much addiction, anyways, I eventually just stopped taking pills and and when I really can't sleep i just take melatonin.

[ill_Murray]

Expand Quote

im addicted to sleeping pills

[close]

I used to be addicted to sleeping pills. Well I wouldn't say addicted but I diagnosticated myself with insomnia. I was scared to lose a night sleep if I didn't take em. That's pretty much addiction, anyways, I eventually just stopped taking pills and and when I really can't sleep i just take melatonin.

Shit is on some miracle pill status.

I hate my roommate, so I fart on his pillow every chance I get.

[SodaJerk]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

im addicted to sleeping pills

[close]

I used to be addicted to sleeping pills. Well I wouldn't say addicted but I diagnosticated myself with insomnia. I was scared to lose a night sleep if I didn't take em. That's pretty much addiction, anyways, I eventually just stopped taking pills and and when I really can't sleep i just take melatonin.

[close]

Shit is on some miracle pill status.

I hate my roommate, so I fart on his pillow every chance I get.

You know you can't buy melatonin here in the UK.

When you fart on your roommates pillow do you say something cool like "Sweet dreams fart face"? Or "Ass-ta la vista you pink eyed bastard"?