I posted the following in the "Things You're Not Stoked On" thread, but was made aware of this conversation as a better fit
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I've never admitted anything like this before, but I'm pretty certain I'm mentally unwell. I think about suicide far too often - thank the powers that be I've never attempted anything - and I get stuck in a thought loop of self loathing for even considering taking my own life.
I have a son who's not even a year old yet, a partner who I've been with for nearly 10 years, a stable job, nice place to live with reasonable rent, I'm healthy as hell, but fuck man... idk what my deal is.
I'm emotionally volatile, easily angered, and constantly overwhelmed by basic life shit.. like doing fuckin laundry.... then the thought loop continues
"Why bother doing anything? Nothing I do makes anyone happy. You should be better, everything in your life is set, and you're still fucking up. The only relief you can find is in beer and a silly kids toy."
Even talking about this seems so asinine and self-indulgent. Like who really cares? It's fucked too, because I have trouble listening and digesting other people's problems so to talk about my own seems.... shitty
So yeah, there's that. Hopefully writing this down will give me some kind of grounding, I guess. Thanks for reading.
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I'm doing better most days, but still get into these funks about 1-2x/week.
My SO gives me the time to vent to her, but I don't utilize that platform very well. I'm not great at filtering myself when I speak, and I would hate to say something I can't take back. She's maybe too close to vent to...
I hate being fucking angry, I hate being short on patience, I hate the hypocrisy in my mind when other people get short tempered and frustrated, I hate making mountains out of molehills. I drink too much, I sleep well but not nearly enough, I feel absolutely ashamed about certain thoughts I have, I need to move up in my job but the next position is leadership which seems fucking stupid to let someone like me be a lead.
Idk man, life has just been getting under my skin recently. But oh boy, good thing I can still do a fuckin kickflip....
On a brighter note, I was reminded of this song the other day - I forgot how much hope this song gave me at one point..