wow. I'm pretty bummed out and got nowhere else to talk about this but I just found out an old friend who I once loved very much killed herself just under 2 months ago. We hadn't talked in a few years but around late April '20 she started texting me some intense shit about planning to commit suicide. I was in the midst of a very, very dark mental health crisis myself and ended up spending a few days trying to talk her down via text across the country while I was losing my shit. Eventually, I had to call the cops for a welfare check and all that. We didn't talk again for a few months, but then summer came and she was sending me photos of her doing really well and enjoying life. I went east in early autumn and we planned to hang for an afternoon but a lot of trauma related stuff came up for me and I cancelled our plans. Part of me really wanted to get together because we had been pretty intimate in a non-sexual way- like we connected on a soul level- but I didn't want to open the door and end up getting overwhelmed trying to help an old friend who was at their wits end. I'm an emotional guy and I'm a giver/helper who has always put others needs before mine, and in this case, I had decided to look out for myself. She seemed well and in recovery, you know? well, early January, I got a text from her saying "sending love. hope you are well." Again, I wasn't willing/able to open the door and couldn't reply. I've thought about it pretty regularly, how crappy it was that I hadn't replied. So today, I decided to shoot her a line, explaining why I hadn't responded and that if she'd like to connect, I'm able and willing. I started getting these messages "you are blocked from sending originating messages to this number," which I found weird because you're generally not told when you're blocked. so, since SLAP is the only social media I use, I searched her name on duckduckgo to see if I could glimpse her FB, and her obituary came up. She "died unexpectedly" on Jan 20, 2021. goddamnit.
Tiff, you are a beautiful soul. I used to go to the burrito shop on Fridays only because I wanted to talk with you. I'll never forget the time we went to Providence in your shitty little gold car and you pointed at the Sierra Club sticker on the back window and said "I'm a philanthropist." that time, right after you broke up with that kid Mike who, for 2 years I had hoped you would dump and go out with me, when we went camping and had that weird, awkward make out, is totally the most awkward experience I had with a woman in my adult life and it's great. I hope the teachings, the lotus seed mala, the metta mantra helped you find some ease, no matter how temporary. May you rest happy and peacefully. May you have found ease. Maybe wherever you're at, you've got vegan food and kittens. All my love, sister. All my love.