lost my virginity in a threesome.
lots of sex at church camp (thank you, purity ring!)
lost my virginity in a threesome.
Most of my sexual experiences have been akward.
My parents invited some friends to stay over at our house. It was a big family and they had a hot daughter. I boned her in the living room on the couch at night where she had to sleep. Pretty awesome since my house isn't that big and her big ol' dad and buff-ass brother could've walked out of their guest rooms take like 10 steps and catch us. They slept over several occasions so I boned her several times. One time her dad went to go piss in the bathroom that was right next to living room so I slid off the couch fast as fuck and hid under the coffee table.I was once in a similar situation. Long story short, I never got to fuck her because our parents stopped visiting each other almost completely and at the time she was wicked prude anyways being a fucking catholic school girl but actually believing in god and saving yourself. Worst part is she called me the morning after she lost her virginity...Man, this bitch was brain dead to the point where she saw nothing wrong with telling me such info.
to both of you, which kind?Expand Quotelost my virginity in a threesome.[close]
to both of you, which kind?Expand QuoteExpand Quotelost my virginity in a threesome.[close][close]
in eleventh grade I crashed at some chick's house, it was my friend, me, and some broad laying side by side in a big ass futon bed. I thought my friend was asleep so I started fooling around with this girl, and just as she started to go down on me I looked to the side and caught my friend looking at me, then he looked away real quick. I burst out laughing and needless to say me and the girl stopped fooling around. he wasn't gay or anything, but I told our good mutual friends the story and we laughed about it for like the next monthhahahaha. when it ends with laughter it makes it that much funnier.
fr chrissakes, you guys need to LOOSEN UP re:
- a girlfriend 'catching' you masturbate
- getting your own cum on yourself
- getting cum on a girlfriend
- seeing friends have sex, especially briefly/accidently
- any and all male-female buttplay (absolutely no disrespect to my gays, but i specify as i assume i'm partially addressing an already somewhat uptight assemblage of breeding types)
it's occurred to me that i may in fact be speaking to a younger audience, but these are pretty tip-of-the-iceberg scenarios. the sooner: the better; you'll thank me down the road. sex really is the only thing that life is about, and it's taken hundreds of years to even partially jizz acid on the shackles that organized religion and patriarchal societies placed on sex for just about always. two hundred years ago some of you very dudes might have shot down a blowjob for it's confusing kinkiness and burned the righteous babe at town square as a wyckyd wytch.
i don't mean to sound like some self-appointed sexual guru or renegade, but i do try to at least wring out the pleasure and really get something from the sex that i do have. maybe i'll get people to dislike Shitty Skateboarding and better appreciate Good Skateboarding, but, if i can get some of my fellow 'boarders to enrich their lives and leave the bedrooms and bathroom styles of our world THAT MUCH more doused in cum, blood, spit, and piss, i can die with a smile/boner.
read: anais nin, henry miller, d.h. lawrence, aleister crowley, marquis de sade (in a certain light), etc
Expand Quoteto both of you, which kind?Expand QuoteExpand Quotelost my virginity in a threesome.[close][close][close]
not the prime kind, i'll tell you that much.
fr chrissakes, you guys need to LOOSEN UP re:
- a girlfriend 'catching' you masturbate
- getting your own cum on yourself
- getting cum on a girlfriend
- seeing friends have sex, especially briefly/accidently
- any and all male-female buttplay (absolutely no disrespect to my gays, but i specify as i assume i'm partially addressing an already somewhat uptight assemblage of breeding types)
two hundred years ago some of you very dudes might have shot down a blowjob for it's confusing kinkiness and burned the righteous babe at town square as a wyckyd wytch.
read: anais nin, henry miller, d.h. lawrence, aleister crowley, marquis de sade (in a certain light), etc
Expand QuoteExpand Quoteto both of you, which kind?Expand QuoteExpand Quotelost my virginity in a threesome.[close][close][close]
not the prime kind, i'll tell you that much.[close]
uh ohhhhh the dreaded devils three way. no worries man, i did this in my younger day as well. as for most awkward, im going to have to go with the gay couple who used to live in the apartment next to mine. they were cool and dainty during the day, but as shitty luck would have it, their bedroom was on the other side from mine. i never thought i would hear gay dudes grunt so manly and or squeal so girly in my life. it was weird enough that i moved my bed to the other side of the room and stuck in earplugs.
One time, I was jacking it to this Awkward Sexual Experiences thread and this tropicks guy posted and made my dick go soft.Expand Quotefr chrissakes, you guys need to LOOSEN UP re:
- a girlfriend 'catching' you masturbate
- getting your own cum on yourself
- getting cum on a girlfriend
- seeing friends have sex, especially briefly/accidently
- any and all male-female buttplay (absolutely no disrespect to my gays, but i specify as i assume i'm partially addressing an already somewhat uptight assemblage of breeding types)
two hundred years ago some of you very dudes might have shot down a blowjob for it's confusing kinkiness and burned the righteous babe at town square as a wyckyd wytch.
read: anais nin, henry miller, d.h. lawrence, aleister crowley, marquis de sade (in a certain light), etc[close]
these are only supposed to be entertaining, nothing more...you need to loosen up.
"younger audience"....no, these stories are from our younger years, as you'd associate with the word "awkward".
sounds like you could've been hitler in a past life, or a dictator at least. i have some recommended reading for you too, asshole, it's called the narcissism epidemic by jean twenge. eat a dick.
I was once really wasted fuckin a girl and I was on top and had my hands planted firmly when I felt something crunchy and sticky on my hand. It was a used dried up condom chillin in her bed and I stopped fuckin here and looked at her and put my hand up and slowly peeled it off. "is that yours?" she said. "nope..."
she got all embarrassed but I was drunk so I didn't really care then I nutted inside her
her pussy just puked up a fucking pint of blood.
Expand QuoteI was once really wasted fuckin a girl and I was on top and had my hands planted firmly when I felt something crunchy and sticky on my hand. It was a used dried up condom chillin in her bed and I stopped fuckin here and looked at her and put my hand up and slowly peeled it off. "is that yours?" she said. "nope..."
she got all embarrassed but I was drunk so I didn't really care then I nutted inside her[close]
nice
i have a few basically all my shit is awkward
there is 1 time that was so awkward for me i havnt been able to ask this girl out since i just keep bailing on her. shes indian, about 5'2, 90 pounds, so sexy, priya rai basically without fake tits.
i was completely wasted, like 8 beers in 3 hours 5.5%, fooling around with her at a party, like 3 am everyone asleep, she was givin me hj but she had this stupid ring on so it killed, i got her to take it off but my dick was in a ton of pain after that; i asked her if i could fuck her and she sadi i could but i couldnt fit my dick in, my dick probably had gotten soft, then i just kept fingering her for some reason, and eventually she told me to stop. i think the next day i realized i had been fingering her asshole half of the time. it wasnt getting all juicy like normally so that must have been what was going on.
if i could have just got that night to go RIGHT my life would be that much better right now! fuck!! i like her a lot too thats the sad thing... she is into skateboarding on a fan level (she could appreciate a ksate video) and likes cool music and scary movies.
another story fisrt time i ever had sex was with this friend of a friend of a friend i met at a bar she was fat had big tits walked like 10 miles to her house with no coat and snowing, she almost said she woulndt do it but she jumped on my dick anyway, then got off put on a condom then she wanted me to do her missionary and i lifted her legs up to go ddeeep she got mad and said "it cant be like a porno the first time", girls are weird. anyway the akwward part the next day i fucked her again in the AM and she went out and talked to her roommate i could hear her whispering to her hipster room mate and they both sounded the same one of them said "it was the most awkward sex ive ever had" but im pretty sure itw as the room mate talking, but i dont know i felt weird after. i tried to go bak to fuck her once when she was wasted but she just passed out and i puked smelling her breath and jetted.
i woke up in the next room to a friend fcking it wasnt that bad i should have joined in but i heard her say "go deep" andi laughed
but awkward, my cousins were all staying at my other cousins' house and so like 10 ppl had to sleep in the family room in the basement, my one slutty cousin julie had her boyfriend and she was fuckinjg him in there and i heard him say something like "i cant theres too many people in here" so they went into the bathroom and finished i suppose. it was fucked i told my cousins about it a few years later and they were pretty pissed off at her.
another one i had this girlfriend and i fucked her in my friend's house she sucekd my dick first night i met her some druink dude walked in but she didnt care neither did i but we were dyin to fuck ever since that so liek 2 weeks later we finally get to the bar and are just dyin to bone the entire night we left after like half hour without my friends i bring her into the spare bedroom thers just like a ghetto mattress on the floor and she says she is startin on the pill but not yet so i put on the condom, good choice,
because i start ploughing the shit out of her like never before cause i am drunk too; if you get the perfect mix of beers it is really a thing of beauty. that must be how porn stars do it. anyway i am going for like 10 minutes on this girl and not feeling like i am going to lose my boner at all and i finally bust all in her mouth... except when i pulled out (didnt realize tl after i blew in her mouth) her pussy just puked up a fucking pint of blood. it soaked in to the matress DEEP and we threw out the mattress, sheets, and all next day.
i was completely wasted, like 8 beers in 3 hours 5.5%,
a few years ago i met this girl at a party that i went to out in the mountains 2 weeks before i was slated to hit the road and head south. We ended up having sex that night, if you could call it such; asphyxiation, holes in the wall, a leather belt and a painting of christ all played pivotal roles in their own right. Somehow, after this all went down and we recapped over my bottle of wild turkey and a pack of turkish royals, it was decided that i would spend some more time with this girl danie, living in her shit stain apartment. Now, as the days and nights passed we fucked quite a bit. Her body was tight, she had only recently quit the college swim team; whoring, drugs, and alcohol hadn't yet ravaged her body. One day she asked if i wanted to go for a ride out to Burlington VT to her parents home for the night. I agreed as i'm not often the passenger on a road trip and i was going to leave for the south in a few days. We get there to be greeted by a pack of small children running around the front yard,nearly naked in the rain. So apparently her mom was babysitting many nieces and nephews. this pissed me off to no end because after having been given hand sex on the ride up i was promised the real thing at the parents house. Sex at the parents house is always interesting too, there's just so much that can go wrong that when the nut comes, it's usually of epic proportions. Anyhow, we're hanging around, eating, drinking grape juice, and watching two and a half men when mom comes and says "ok, i need you guys to watch the kids because i'm going to the store for a while."jizz hats for everyone
The kids are still outside in the rain, the mother is leaving... all i can think is "ace in the hole." As soon as mother leaves, Danie grabs my cock through my shorts and pulls me into the back room, apparently she was thinking the same thing. There is a giant tent of couch cushions, blankets, and sheets extending from the fire place to the couch, she says "lets go in there." We go in and she starts sucking my cock. then she takes her pants down to around her knees, starts pushing her ass onto my pelvic area and pulls me into her. At this point i'm not thinking much about the kids outside, not at all. after a while, a few minutes anyways, we heard the door open and the tribe of wild youth are in the front of the house. she keeps fucking me. i tell her im about to come, she pulls away and in one motion picks her pants up and crawls out of the living room blanket tent as i bust a big nut onto the ceiling of the tent. I rolled away to prevent any backlash drip and walked into the kitchen. i walked past the kids and they run into the room with the tent. i could only think of how gross that dripping glob of jizz was going to be when it fell on one of their heads. that shit was awkward
jizz hats for everyone
Thread is chalk full of laughs
i think the next day i realized i had been fingering her asshole half of the time. it wasnt getting all juicy like normally so that must have been what was going on.
Yo rawb, you probably gave that girl a urinary tract infection.Thread is chalk full of laughsExpand Quote
i think the next day i realized i had been fingering her asshole half of the time. it wasnt getting all juicy like normally so that must have been what was going on.[close]
then she asks if i have an std. i'm like, no, do i now? things didn't work out with her.
^^ I got a headache reading that. Also, as has been discussed, 28 year olds are not cougars.doesnt count if shes a mom? guess i thought she was cause shes like 9 er 10 years older than me
doesnt count if shes a mom? guess i thought she was cause shes like 9 er 10 years older than meExpand Quote^^ I got a headache reading that. Also, as has been discussed, 28 year olds are not cougars.[close]
I had sex with a girl that had this spinal condition where her spine pinched at her asscrack, creating what looked like another butthole.LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOOLOLOLOLOLOOLOOLOLLLOOLOLLOLOLOOLOLOLLLL
I was going at it from behind when I saw that, then said "You know you have two buttholes"...
She did not find it as funny as I did....
one time she yelled "JUST COME IN ME ALREADY" i promptly pulled out, put my boxers and shorts back on, walked out and slept in the living room. was just really weird to be demanded of my come. her and i never spoke again after the next day haha.
What!! making eye contact with your bestfriend's girl while shes taking baby gravy on the tongue is super awkward! the last one wasn't super awkward, but was weird for me, i'm not trying to blow loads in anyone. she also got pregnant like 5 months later, so i'm glad i didnt.Expand Quoteone time she yelled "JUST COME IN ME ALREADY" i promptly pulled out, put my boxers and shorts back on, walked out and slept in the living room. was just really weird to be demanded of my come. her and i never spoke again after the next day haha.[close]
Man none of those really seem awkward to me. Especially the last one. I suppose it would be when you're 17. But now, hoo boy I tell ya. That's some hot shit. Go with it homey.
One time I was starting to get into it with this chick and we were dirty talking and she accidentally said "God I love touching my cock." instead of "your cock". That was the end of that.
Fucking a girl and I told her "I love your ass." And she said "It loves you." So I said "Okay." And she was like "It's talking to you." And I was like "Is it?" And she was like "Yeah. What's it saying?" And I was like "I don't know. I'm hungry?" That girl was consistently an awkward dirty talker. Best I could figure is that she wanted to be raped by her dad.
And then of course the time I farted in a chick's face while I was coming in her mouth on the 5th time she sucked my dick that night trying to get off my limp beer-dick. That one was a classic.
What!! making eye contact with your bestfriend's girl while shes taking baby gravy on the tongue is super awkward! the last one wasn't super awkward, but was weird for me, i'm not trying to blow loads in anyone. she also got pregnant like 5 months later, so i'm glad i didnt.Expand QuoteExpand Quoteone time she yelled "JUST COME IN ME ALREADY" i promptly pulled out, put my boxers and shorts back on, walked out and slept in the living room. was just really weird to be demanded of my come. her and i never spoke again after the next day haha.[close]
Man none of those really seem awkward to me. Especially the last one. I suppose it would be when you're 17. But now, hoo boy I tell ya. That's some hot shit. Go with it homey.[close]
So less than 24 hours later, I'm boning my lady from behind, and all the sudden it just feels FUCKING AMAZING!! Now this is back when were first together and I hadn't really had sex that much. I could tell I was getting close to busting a nut and was about to pull out. But then I remembered my conversation with my friend the night before. I was like "Fuck it...I'm wearing a condom" and just blew my load. I pull out and the condom is fucking torn to shreds. Begin hyperventilation. I just busted a full load into a fertile 19 year old girl. Not stoked!!!Ah yes, I know this story well. You evaluate your life so hard in the coming days. It's amazing when you find out you're in the clear. Food tastes amazing, boring things now mean something to you and you have a complete and total appreciation for everything once you know you didn't knock a chick up. I used to play in the rain without a coat with one girlfriend...basically the hours of awesome'ness didn't erase the days/weeks of panic afterwards.
So basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.
Ah yes, I know this story well. You evaluate your life so hard in the coming days. It's amazing when you find out you're in the clear. Food tastes amazing, boring things now mean something to you and you have a complete and total appreciation for everything once you know you didn't knock a chick up. I used to play in the rain without a coat with one girlfriend...basically the hours of awesome'ness didn't erase the days/weeks of panic afterwards.Expand QuoteSo less than 24 hours later, I'm boning my lady from behind, and all the sudden it just feels FUCKING AMAZING!! Now this is back when were first together and I hadn't really had sex that much. I could tell I was getting close to busting a nut and was about to pull out. But then I remembered my conversation with my friend the night before. I was like "Fuck it...I'm wearing a condom" and just blew my load. I pull out and the condom is fucking torn to shreds. Begin hyperventilation. I just busted a full load into a fertile 19 year old girl. Not stoked!!!
So basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.[close]
So basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI was once really wasted fuckin a girl and I was on top and had my hands planted firmly when I felt something crunchy and sticky on my hand. It was a used dried up condom chillin in her bed and I stopped fuckin here and looked at her and put my hand up and slowly peeled it off. "is that yours?" she said. "nope..."
she got all embarrassed but I was drunk so I didn't really care then I nutted inside her[close]
nice
i have a few basically all my shit is awkward
there is 1 time that was so awkward for me i havnt been able to ask this girl out since i just keep bailing on her. shes indian, about 5'2, 90 pounds, so sexy, priya rai basically without fake tits.
i was completely wasted, like 8 beers in 3 hours 5.5%, fooling around with her at a party, like 3 am everyone asleep, she was givin me hj but she had this stupid ring on so it killed, i got her to take it off but my dick was in a ton of pain after that; i asked her if i could fuck her and she sadi i could but i couldnt fit my dick in, my dick probably had gotten soft, then i just kept fingering her for some reason, and eventually she told me to stop. i think the next day i realized i had been fingering her asshole half of the time. it wasnt getting all juicy like normally so that must have been what was going on.
if i could have just got that night to go RIGHT my life would be that much better right now! fuck!! i like her a lot too thats the sad thing... she is into skateboarding on a fan level (she could appreciate a ksate video) and likes cool music and scary movies.
another story fisrt time i ever had sex was with this friend of a friend of a friend i met at a bar she was fat had big tits walked like 10 miles to her house with no coat and snowing, she almost said she woulndt do it but she jumped on my dick anyway, then got off put on a condom then she wanted me to do her missionary and i lifted her legs up to go ddeeep she got mad and said "it cant be like a porno the first time", girls are weird. anyway the akwward part the next day i fucked her again in the AM and she went out and talked to her roommate i could hear her whispering to her hipster room mate and they both sounded the same one of them said "it was the most awkward sex ive ever had" but im pretty sure itw as the room mate talking, but i dont know i felt weird after. i tried to go bak to fuck her once when she was wasted but she just passed out and i puked smelling her breath and jetted.
i woke up in the next room to a friend fcking it wasnt that bad i should have joined in but i heard her say "go deep" andi laughed
but awkward, my cousins were all staying at my other cousins' house and so like 10 ppl had to sleep in the family room in the basement, my one slutty cousin julie had her boyfriend and she was fuckinjg him in there and i heard him say something like "i cant theres too many people in here" so they went into the bathroom and finished i suppose. it was fucked i told my cousins about it a few years later and they were pretty pissed off at her.
another one i had this girlfriend and i fucked her in my friend's house she sucekd my dick first night i met her some druink dude walked in but she didnt care neither did i but we were dyin to fuck ever since that so liek 2 weeks later we finally get to the bar and are just dyin to bone the entire night we left after like half hour without my friends i bring her into the spare bedroom thers just like a ghetto mattress on the floor and she says she is startin on the pill but not yet so i put on the condom, good choice,
because i start ploughing the shit out of her like never before cause i am drunk too; if you get the perfect mix of beers it is really a thing of beauty. that must be how porn stars do it. anyway i am going for like 10 minutes on this girl and not feeling like i am going to lose my boner at all and i finally bust all in her mouth... except when i pulled out (didnt realize tl after i blew in her mouth) her pussy just puked up a fucking pint of blood. it soaked in to the matress DEEP and we threw out the mattress, sheets, and all next day.[close]
bahahhaaa rawb your full of shit but that was a good read anyways.
Expand QuoteSo basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.[close]
the abortion pill saves lives, homie. plan B is a good thing.
Expand QuoteSo basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.[close]
the abortion pill saves lives, homie. plan B is a good thing.
see, she was trying to get you back and lock you down on a permanent basis.yeah my ex girlfriend after we broke up i was jonsing i called her up at least 3 seperate times and we fcuked.... she was tellin me to bust inside her, but i pulled out anyway just because we were broke up, and then after she says" well its probably godo you did that anyway cause i think i fucked up one of my pills". what a dumb ass.Expand Quotethe abortion pill saves lives, homie. plan B is a good thing.Expand QuoteSo basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.[close][close]
Ok...this story isn't so much awkward as just fucking scary. I'm with my first somewhat long term girlfriend right now...and we fuck ALOT...so I'm ultra paranoid about knocking her up. Back in the summer time I was telling one of my best friends that I wouldn't even blow a load in my gf even with a condom on. He couldn't believe I was so paranoid and basically told to stop being so scared.
So less than 24 hours later, I'm boning my lady from behind, and all the sudden it just feels FUCKING AMAZING!! Now this is back when were first together and I hadn't really had sex that much. I could tell I was getting close to busting a nut and was about to pull out. But then I remembered my conversation with my friend the night before. I was like "Fuck it...I'm wearing a condom" and just blew my load. I pull out and the condom is fucking torn to shreds. Begin hyperventilation. I just busted a full load into a fertile 19 year old girl. Not stoked!!!
So basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.
see, she was trying to get you back and lock you down on a permanent basis.Expand Quoteyeah my ex girlfriend after we broke up i was jonsing i called her up at least 3 seperate times and we fcuked.... she was tellin me to bust inside her, but i pulled out anyway just because we were broke up, and then after she says" well its probably godo you did that anyway cause i think i fucked up one of my pills". what a dumb ass.Expand Quotethe abortion pill saves lives, homie. plan B is a good thing.Expand QuoteSo basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.[close][close][close]
What!! making eye contact with your bestfriend's girl while shes taking baby gravy on the tongue is super awkward!Expand QuoteExpand Quoteone time she yelled "JUST COME IN ME ALREADY" i promptly pulled out, put my boxers and shorts back on, walked out and slept in the living room. was just really weird to be demanded of my come. her and i never spoke again after the next day haha.[close]
Man none of those really seem awkward to me. Especially the last one. I suppose it would be when you're 17. But now, hoo boy I tell ya. That's some hot shit. Go with it homey.[close]
Yeah cause Rawb is such a great catch. A real reliable father-type.
I refuse to pull out and cum on evolution's face!
One time in high school I was looking for the tape of a video project I did for Spanish class. I thought I left it in the video camera, so I hit play. Man was I wrong. It was a video of my Dad boning my Step mom. Mind you, my dad resembles Bill Clinton and my Step mom resembles Jessica Simpson. It was pretty traumatizing for a while. Better than actually walking in on it though.
Oh, and I never found my Spanish project. I'm guessing they recorded over it.
having a stepmom that looked like jessica simpson would mean trouble in my world.
ive never used a condom beforre
And you'll make a funny joke one day.Expand Quoteive never used a condom beforre[close]
Don't worry, you'll get laid one day.
Expand Quoteive never used a condom beforre[close]
Don't worry, you'll get laid one day.
Make a move!
You fools are so corny its ridiculous.Expand QuoteExpand Quoteive never used a condom beforre[close]
Don't worry, you'll get laid one day.[close]
gnar'd!
i was thinkin the same thing
Cumming inside a girl is literally what we were born for. That's what your entire evolutionary path has led you to. I refuse to pull out and cum on evolution's face!wisdom.
She wanted to bone, but this was when I was still a virgin and under the hallucination that I wanted to at least lose it to someone I loved--so I turned her down.glad i got over that...
I don't think copping some dome off a drunken lady of the evening really counts as "saving yourself". We're just talking about different holes here. Perhaps you had some kind of male hymen that you wanted to keep in tact. Only peel back the ol' foreskin for the wife, eh? She's in for a cottage cheese surprise.
The second time I got beejed up also coincides with the first & only time I've ever sharted. I was hanging around Brigham Circle in Mission Hill one night with a bunch of my friends. Some wasted asian chick is yelling for her friend and we start talking to her. I couldn't tell she was drunk, she seemed pretty aware of everything & walking alright, and I thought she was pretty cute. She tags along with us for a half hour or so, and then everyone plans on running away from her because she was annoying the piss out of them; I still thought she was cute so I stuck around. My friends yelled back "Mack harder!" & I proceeded as such.(http://www.liquideggproduct.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/mascot_i_am_disappoint.gif)
I ended up walking her back to her dorm in Northeastern, she signed me in and we sat on her bed listening to music. We end up making out and that's when I first realized how wasted she was--her vodka breath made my stomach uneasy. She takes off her top & she's got a good (http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/7845/mike0644.jpg) going on. About 5'2", B cup, soft skin, first asian--I was into it. Then she started giving me a HJ & I think she was under the impression that if she didn't keep her speed above 55MPH that my penis would explode. It hurt so much but I suffered through it. She wanted to bone, but this was when I was still a virgin and under the hallucination that I wanted to at least lose it to someone I loved--so I turned her down.
She then went down on me for about 30 seconds and it was a glorious spectacle. Little asian girl with a small mouth with plump lips and tiny hands--it was beautiful. But then she stopped and kept asking to bone. I convinced her finally that because she was way too drunk & I wasn't, it'd be a bad choice. I left about an hour later, and she wrote down her number & email. On the walk back I realize my ass is really chaffed. Unbearably chaffed. I check it out once I get back to my friend's, and I see a shit stain on my underwear. Then a flashback reel played back to me--I had chinese food that night, I remember letting off a wet fart before going to that girl's dorm, and I also remember her pulling down my pants while I laid on her white sheets. I laughed at my misfortune, but I wasn't planning on calling her anyway. Now sometimes I wonder if she stopped going down on me because it smelled rank or because she was fluffing me.
I know meng, I look back and sigh. How was salvy, are you a millionaire now?Nah, never went but I might today. I got a story though....
^^^ Bitches get stitches man.preach it man. I had blue balls for like 3 hours til I dropped her off and rushed home to rub one out. I wasn't even pissed really I was just so confused about what single chick in their right mind would chill with a dude, go home and let him suck her titties, and then when going for the g spot tells the guy she doesn't "do this" anymore.
^^^ Bitches get stitches man.heh yeah dude. chestbump
" Soo.... my dick is out guys... my dick is out. Nobody elses dick is out.... cool."
what single chick in their right mind would chill with a dude, go home and let him suck her titties, and then when going for the g spot tells the guy she doesn't "do this" anymore.
in my experience, girls do that kinda shit when they want the guy to think they're a nice girl so that you will date them.Nah, never went but I might today. I got a story though....Expand QuoteI know meng, I look back and sigh. How was salvy, are you a millionaire now?[close]
When I was a senior, I brought my sleazy side out and tried to get any and all the pussy possible before graduating high school and one of these hookups ended up being with this chick I had just met in my gym class. That time was somewhat awkward because one of my friends was driving my car and my other friend was in the backseat passed out. Long story short, both friends leave and I start fingering the chick and whip it out being like "let me get some head" and her saying "No, I don't do that" and then finding out the following Monday in school that two dudes had just fucked her in the hours prior to me getting with her.
Part two happens this past November after not really talking to her for like 3 years. I'd usually drunk chat with her on facebook and say stupid shit just for kicks but one night I actually end up calling her. I bring her to some party and we're just kickin it so I'm like "come with me to my car, I wanna grab some beers". So she comes with and we start smooching and getting all touchy feely. We stayed at this party for a little longer and then she pretty much pulled me out of the party so I figure alright this bitch is down. No holds barred, I bring her straight to my house and into my bed and we start making out. I take her shirt off, start sucking titties, kissing all over. As I'm about to unzip her jeans, she takes my hands and brings them back up and is like "Listen I don't do this anymore"....I was like you don't do what? She says "this. I don't just randomly hook up like that anymore". Long story short, we didn't smush but she still spent the night cuddled up with me in my bed topless and with her jeans on....I was so furious and confused by what chick in their right mind would go home with a dude, get in bed, start smooching and then some, and then be like actually wait I forgot I stopped being a slut. She coulda easily not wasted my time and said I wanna go home or some shit. Never talk to her now and if I see her she gives me weird ass looks. Sluts......
well i most definitely wouldnt be walking away from bukakke field fridays featuring "glorious boobs"seriously man what the fuck were you thinking?!
See that's what I thought too and I hung with her later on the following week and was like listen sorry about the other night if that was awkward I'd like to take you out and she was down. Then I call her the following weekend and she completely wiffs and even after that if I see her she acts all weird. The female is a wonder.in my experience, girls do that kinda shit when they want the guy to think they're a nice girl so that you will date them.Expand QuoteNah, never went but I might today. I got a story though....Expand QuoteI know meng, I look back and sigh. How was salvy, are you a millionaire now?[close]
When I was a senior, I brought my sleazy side out and tried to get any and all the pussy possible before graduating high school and one of these hookups ended up being with this chick I had just met in my gym class. That time was somewhat awkward because one of my friends was driving my car and my other friend was in the backseat passed out. Long story short, both friends leave and I start fingering the chick and whip it out being like "let me get some head" and her saying "No, I don't do that" and then finding out the following Monday in school that two dudes had just fucked her in the hours prior to me getting with her.
Part two happens this past November after not really talking to her for like 3 years. I'd usually drunk chat with her on facebook and say stupid shit just for kicks but one night I actually end up calling her. I bring her to some party and we're just kickin it so I'm like "come with me to my car, I wanna grab some beers". So she comes with and we start smooching and getting all touchy feely. We stayed at this party for a little longer and then she pretty much pulled me out of the party so I figure alright this bitch is down. No holds barred, I bring her straight to my house and into my bed and we start making out. I take her shirt off, start sucking titties, kissing all over. As I'm about to unzip her jeans, she takes my hands and brings them back up and is like "Listen I don't do this anymore"....I was like you don't do what? She says "this. I don't just randomly hook up like that anymore". Long story short, we didn't smush but she still spent the night cuddled up with me in my bed topless and with her jeans on....I was so furious and confused by what chick in their right mind would go home with a dude, get in bed, start smooching and then some, and then be like actually wait I forgot I stopped being a slut. She coulda easily not wasted my time and said I wanna go home or some shit. Never talk to her now and if I see her she gives me weird ass looks. Sluts......[close]
Ahahah great story Raul!Expand Quotewhat single chick in their right mind would chill with a dude, go home and let him suck her titties, and then when going for the g spot tells the guy she doesn't "do this" anymore.[close]
The kind that's asking to get raped. BIM BOM! (Kidding).
(I think.)
Dude, Macklin, you fucking blew it figuratively when you and your buddies should have blown it literally.
Antwuan Dixon.
back when i was doing a lot of dating i actually managed to get a girl to come home with me from a bar one-night-stand style. that's not to say it's never happened, but in my experience not a lot of girls want to go to a stranger's house and have sex the first time they meet them.
in any case, things were going well and we get to my place and commence doing the deed. then mid way through she starts crying
that was awkward
dude fuck that is so terribleExpand Quoteback when i was doing a lot of dating i actually managed to get a girl to come home with me from a bar one-night-stand style. that's not to say it's never happened, but in my experience not a lot of girls want to go to a stranger's house and have sex the first time they meet them.
in any case, things were going well and we get to my place and commence doing the deed. then mid way through she starts crying
that was awkward[close]
You gotta watch that shit.
Went out with some friends one night and a girl I know showed up after breaking up with her boyfriend and she was on a mission to get wasted. So her and one of my friends are both very drunk and all touchy. Everyone goes back to his place for an after party and she's all over his drunk ass and passes up a ride home to stay there. Next day they wake up and met us for breakfast, after obviously bumpin' uglies all night, and neither of them seemed uncomfortable.
The friend comes home about 2 weeks later to his apt ransacked.......by the police. She turned around and pressed rape charges on him so they confiscated his computer, photos, etc. He spent $12k in lawyer fees to finally have her not pursue it after he passed multiple lie detector tests. The investigator said she never returned their calls. She put him through hell because she didn't wanna have her boyfriend find out she hooked up with someone after they got in a fight.
dude fuck that is so terribleExpand QuoteExpand Quoteback when i was doing a lot of dating i actually managed to get a girl to come home with me from a bar one-night-stand style. that's not to say it's never happened, but in my experience not a lot of girls want to go to a stranger's house and have sex the first time they meet them.
in any case, things were going well and we get to my place and commence doing the deed. then mid way through she starts crying
that was awkward[close]
You gotta watch that shit.
Went out with some friends one night and a girl I know showed up after breaking up with her boyfriend and she was on a mission to get wasted. So her and one of my friends are both very drunk and all touchy. Everyone goes back to his place for an after party and she's all over his drunk ass and passes up a ride home to stay there. Next day they wake up and met us for breakfast, after obviously bumpin' uglies all night, and neither of them seemed uncomfortable.
The friend comes home about 2 weeks later to his apt ransacked.......by the police. She turned around and pressed rape charges on him so they confiscated his computer, photos, etc. He spent $12k in lawyer fees to finally have her not pursue it after he passed multiple lie detector tests. The investigator said she never returned their calls. She put him through hell because she didn't wanna have her boyfriend find out she hooked up with someone after they got in a fight.[close]
exactly why it's better to fuck a chick at her house and just bounce before anything further happens. Also, if you live at your parents house which is the situation I'm in, it just sucks because you have to be quiet and shit and it's not as fun.Expand Quoteback when i was doing a lot of dating i actually managed to get a girl to come home with me from a bar one-night-stand style. that's not to say it's never happened, but in my experience not a lot of girls want to go to a stranger's house and have sex the first time they meet them.
in any case, things were going well and we get to my place and commence doing the deed. then mid way through she starts crying
that was awkward[close]
You gotta watch that shit.
Went out with some friends one night and a girl I know showed up after breaking up with her boyfriend and she was on a mission to get wasted. So her and one of my friends are both very drunk and all touchy. Everyone goes back to his place for an after party and she's all over his drunk ass and passes up a ride home to stay there. Next day they wake up and met us for breakfast, after obviously bumpin' uglies all night, and neither of them seemed uncomfortable.
The friend comes home about 2 weeks later to his apt ransacked.......by the police. She turned around and pressed rape charges on him so they confiscated his computer, photos, etc. He spent $12k in lawyer fees to finally have her not pursue it after he passed multiple lie detector tests. The investigator said she never returned their calls. She put him through hell because she didn't wanna have her boyfriend find out she hooked up with someone after they got in a fight.
Expand Quoteback when i was doing a lot of dating i actually managed to get a girl to come home with me from a bar one-night-stand style. that's not to say it's never happened, but in my experience not a lot of girls want to go to a stranger's house and have sex the first time they meet them.
in any case, things were going well and we get to my place and commence doing the deed. then mid way through she starts crying
that was awkward[close]
You gotta watch that shit.
Went out with some friends one night and a girl I know showed up after breaking up with her boyfriend and she was on a mission to get wasted. So her and one of my friends are both very drunk and all touchy. Everyone goes back to his place for an after party and she's all over his drunk ass and passes up a ride home to stay there. Next day they wake up and met us for breakfast, after obviously bumpin' uglies all night, and neither of them seemed uncomfortable.
The friend comes home about 2 weeks later to his apt ransacked.......by the police. She turned around and pressed rape charges on him so they confiscated his computer, photos, etc. He spent $12k in lawyer fees to finally have her not pursue it after he passed multiple lie detector tests. The investigator said she never returned their calls. She put him through hell because she didn't wanna have her boyfriend find out she hooked up with someone after they got in a fight.
Expand Quoteback when i was doing a lot of dating i actually managed to get a girl to come home with me from a bar one-night-stand style. that's not to say it's never happened, but in my experience not a lot of girls want to go to a stranger's house and have sex the first time they meet them.
in any case, things were going well and we get to my place and commence doing the deed. then mid way through she starts crying
that was awkward[close]
You gotta watch that shit.
Went out with some friends one night and a girl I know showed up after breaking up with her boyfriend and she was on a mission to get wasted. So her and one of my friends are both very drunk and all touchy. Everyone goes back to his place for an after party and she's all over his drunk ass and passes up a ride home to stay there. Next day they wake up and met us for breakfast, after obviously bumpin' uglies all night, and neither of them seemed uncomfortable.
The friend comes home about 2 weeks later to his apt ransacked.......by the police. She turned around and pressed rape charges on him so they confiscated his computer, photos, etc. He spent $12k in lawyer fees to finally have her not pursue it after he passed multiple lie detector tests. The investigator said she never returned their calls. She put him through hell because she didn't wanna have her boyfriend find out she hooked up with someone after they got in a fight.
i was fucking this girl doggystyle on a rickety old futon. it was bouncing all over the place, and we started to get a little out of rhythm. somehow my dick slipped out of her pussy and went all the way up her ass without me realizing it. she let out this death yodel and ran and locked herself in the bathroom for hours. she was freaking out because the sudden shock caused her asshole to stay dialated open. anyway, this chick just about fucking killed me. she thought i did it on purpose, and it took months to finally convince her otherwise. i did think it was pretty funny though.
Okay, I think Im finally going to tell this story, because I dont think she goes on here anymore and also because I don't care. You may know the person in question as Vicky, or victoria. This was like 2 years ago when I was going to school in Philly. I started chatting her up on here via PM, and then AIM. I end up meeting up with her on this one really rainy day at her school which was a couple blocks from where I went. We went to like some cafeteria or something and she put on Fully Flared on her Macbook. It was pretty awkward. All you guys who think that it would be sick to date a chick who is into skateboarding, its not what its cracked up to be. Any time she would bring up skateboarding it would be like "Oh, so and so is sooo sick! Did you see that Thunder ad!" It was just weird. But anyway I hang out with her 1 or 2 times after this, ALWAYS with her annoying friend, who incidentally also posted here but I dont remember his name. I went over to her friends house where she was hanging out one day after class (she refused to let me in her own apartment, I dont know why), and theyre throwing back rum and cokes. Its like 4 oclock. Shes already drunk, all sitting on my lap and shit and all over me. Now, I wasnt even sure if I was into it, but I just let it happen. She keeps drinking and is basically hammered, Im barely buzzed. We drive all over the fucking city to the train station to pick up her sister, and the whole time shes just so annoying and drunk. Finally we get back to this girls apartment, and we go in her friends room and she shuts the door. We start making out. Shirts off, titties sucked. I still pretty much just want tot leave at this point, the whole night had been annoying as fuck. Her friend starts opening the door and is like WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN HERE? And so shes all like "quick go in the bathroom!" because she's half naked. Im really fucking annoyed right now. Her friends like "JUST GO FUCK ON THE COUCH" and we go back in the living room. She takes her clothes off and literally just lays there like a dead fish. By this point i am woefully aware this isnt the most.. "fit" girl Ive been with. I could not be any more flaccid. After like 5 minutes of me hoping shell do some fluffing or something, I say something like "Ummmmmmm....its uhhh not getting...." We put our clothes back on, I walk to the train station and never see her again. She texts me a few days later asking if she was the reason I couldnt get a boner. I tell her it was because I was a virgin and was too nervous. I never talk to her again.
Moral: Dont try and fuck anyone from Slap.
one of my buddies was tellin' me this crazy story about a fish and a couch and whiskey dick, went like this.love you, nohomo.QuoteExpand QuoteOkay, I think Im finally going to tell this story, because I dont think she goes on here anymore and also because I don't care. You may know the person in question as Vicky, or victoria. This was like 2 years ago when I was going to school in Philly. I started chatting her up on here via PM, and then AIM. I end up meeting up with her on this one really rainy day at her school which was a couple blocks from where I went. We went to like some cafeteria or something and she put on Fully Flared on her Macbook. It was pretty awkward. All you guys who think that it would be sick to date a chick who is into skateboarding, its not what its cracked up to be. Any time she would bring up skateboarding it would be like "Oh, so and so is sooo sick! Did you see that Thunder ad!" It was just weird. But anyway I hang out with her 1 or 2 times after this, ALWAYS with her annoying friend, who incidentally also posted here but I dont remember his name. I went over to her friends house where she was hanging out one day after class (she refused to let me in her own apartment, I dont know why), and theyre throwing back rum and cokes. Its like 4 oclock. Shes already drunk, all sitting on my lap and shit and all over me. Now, I wasnt even sure if I was into it, but I just let it happen. She keeps drinking and is basically hammered, Im barely buzzed. We drive all over the fucking city to the train station to pick up her sister, and the whole time shes just so annoying and drunk. Finally we get back to this girls apartment, and we go in her friends room and she shuts the door. We start making out. Shirts off, titties sucked. I still pretty much just want tot leave at this point, the whole night had been annoying as fuck. Her friend starts opening the door and is like WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN HERE? And so shes all like "quick go in the bathroom!" because she's half naked. Im really fucking annoyed right now. Her friends like "JUST GO FUCK ON THE COUCH" and we go back in the living room. She takes her clothes off and literally just lays there like a dead fish. By this point i am woefully aware this isnt the most.. "fit" girl Ive been with. I could not be any more flaccid. After like 5 minutes of me hoping shell do some fluffing or something, I say something like "Ummmmmmm....its uhhh not getting...." We put our clothes back on, I walk to the train station and never see her again. She texts me a few days later asking if she was the reason I couldnt get a boner. I tell her it was because I was a virgin and was too nervous. I never talk to her again.
Moral: Dont try and fuck anyone from Slap.[close]
This one happened to my friend when he was in high school. No sex involved, just jackin, which always seems to make the story funnier. He told me about it a few years later when we were drunk and talking about embarrassing shit. He was at his dad's house, in his room jackin it, and he had the stereo on loud. And his dad was calling him cause dinner was ready but he didn't hear. So I guess his dad got fed up and went down the hall, opened his door and was like "DINNER JON!" and my friend looks up at his dad right as he busts his load. I think his actual words were "we made eye contact at the moment of no return".
she had sucked on my tongue so hard that the part connected to my bottom jaw was sore
She was also the one who took my balls in her mouth and pulled on them, which I found out I'm hesitant about--sorry Wilson, I can't man up to your level.
I think his actual words were "we made eye contact at the moment of no return".
I have so much to learn. That story is ridiculous.Expand Quoteshe had sucked on my tongue so hard that the part connected to my bottom jaw was sore[close]
Dude, a couple years ago me and 3 friends drove 16 hours to see Danzig in Minnesota. We were staying in this really nice hotel and there was this group of old people walking around and one of them was this pretty hot cougar that we name "Rocket Tits" because they were all pointed and shit. She had to be at least 50, maybe 55, but still hot. (LurkDaddy, please note, that is a cougar. Not a fucking 28 year old.) One night we were down at the hotel bar, and the group of oldies with this hot old slut were down there, and somehow we all end up sitting and drinking together. This old bitch is all over whichever of us was closest, but mainly my friend. He's engaged so he like jokes around with her a bit and then is like "Yo I gotta go to the room, talk to my man Dan." So she starts talking to me and rubbing my leg, all this shit. And all this is in front of my 2 other friends and all her old friends, like guys and girls. She's like leaning in really close and rubbing my whole face intensely, like pulling my skin back almost making my contacts pop out and shit. She's really fucked. So drunk, like sloppy, nasty, embarrassing to look at drunk.
Hotel dude comes over and tells us that the bar is closing, so we move into the courtyard, and Rocket Tits' old gross-ass friend goes upstairs to her room and brings me and my friends and all of them a smorgasboard of wine, rum, and vodka coolers. We're being too noisy in the courtyard so hotel dude comes over and says we can't chill in there, but we can drink and hang out in the lobby. What the fuck? So we go in there and hang out and drink whatever free booze this other old bitch is giving us. By now it's just me, one of my friends, and like three old ladies. Rocket Tits sits on my lap, and she starts licking my ear and shit, whispering all this stuff in my ear and still pulling my skin so far back I probably looked like a burn victim with no eyelids or lips.
Sidenote: At this point these frat boy douchebags come in and try to hang out with us and start trying to hit on Rocket Tits. The dude asks us if we were in a band (it seriously happened all fucking weekend and we kept telling people we were and our name was The Blood Of Christian Children), and I was like "Yeah we are. What do YOU do?" And he says "I'm a police officer. What's your band's name?" And I told him "Millions Of Dead Cops." He obviously wasn't a real cop because I didn't end up dead in the parking lot, and they took off.
So then Rocket Tits starts making out with me, and she sucked on my tongue so hard that the thing thing that connects my tongue to the bottom of my mouth literally ripped. Like actually. So I pushed her away and was like "OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!" And she drunkenly slurred "Yerrrr neverrr gonna meet sumwun who ksssses like meee again..." and I was like "Good." So we intensely make out some more in front of everyone and I am feeling up her tits, and then I go for the cooch and she grabs my hand and is like "NO! It's not about the sex! It's about the loveeeeeee, the loveeeeeeee" and starts trying to peel the skin off my face again. So I was like "Yeah it's about the love, but the sex is tight too." THEN SHE STARTS CRYING! "Booo hooo hooo I love my son! He's addicted to meth! But he's a good kid. I LOVE HIM!" Shit don't phase me nothin, and I am still trying to take her to the bone zone, but one of her friends realizes that it's probably not a good idea for her to get slayed by some 30 year old while she's crying about her meth-head son, and takes her away.
When I got upstairs my friend, the first dude she was trying to get it on with told me he was watching the whole thing from the balcony and if I had taken her back to our room he intended to creep into the room and secretly watch me fuck her.
So yeah, that whole thing was sufficiently awkward.
So then Rocket Tits starts making out with me, and she sucked on my tongue so hard that the thing thing that connects my tongue to the bottom of my mouth literally ripped.
You're a pussy.
in high school i was making out with my girlfriend in the parking lot.. school had been out for a couple hours and we were in the back of the parking lot so we werent worried about anything.. we were down to undies and the windows were really foggy.. then someone taps on the window. it was a cop and he was tripping.. he ran our names and kept us there for a while but then sent us on our way. we just kinda thought it was funny.. we both went home after that and she calls me about an hour later. her dad was listening to the police scanner and he was pissed. he was kinda cool about it though.. i hadnt met her parents before and they wanted to meet me.. so i went over there adn they were like "well since you came over then our daughter must be important to you but dont do that again etc etc"
This just happened to me this summer. I actually had just finished boning my girlfriend, and had thankfully pulled my pants back on. Got the tap on the window and the flashlight in the face from the damn cop. But I think as soon as he saw that I wasn't a highschool kid (I'm 23) he just left. Wasn't that bad.got this in highschool as well. random older chick (she could drive past 9:00pm and i was still 15) that was trying to corrupt my youth and innocence. she succeeded. while getting dome i see the blue flashes behind the parked car, followed by the tapping of a maglite on the window. he awkwardly asks what we're doing as if he doesn't already know. runs her ID, then asks for mine and I don't have anything since I'm 15. casually he replies to me "she's 18 and you're 15...nice job" and tells us if we aren't done and out of there in 15 minutes he'll come back.
Got the tap on the window and the flashlight in the face from the damn cop.
What kind of man cums on his own face?
Expand QuoteI think his actual words were "we made eye contact at the moment of no return".[close]
Ugh, that is so shitty and so hilarious at the same time.
A classmate of mine in high school was porking his girlfriend in his car. She was on top and he asked if he could fulfill manifest destiny and put it in her butt, she grants his wish. As he's about to come, she yells "stop" and he finishes in her as deep as he can reach. She pulls off, and the diarrhea (with white accents of course) comes out all over him. He pukes on himself at the sight of it, and she pukes at the sight of his vomit, leaving them in a sticky (http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/7845/mike0644.jpg).
A classmate of mine in high school was porking his girlfriend in his car. She was on top and he asked if he could fulfill manifest destiny and put it in her butt, she grants his wish. As he's about to come, she yells "stop" and he finishes in her as deep as he can reach. She pulls off, and the diarrhea (with white accents of course) comes out all over him. He pukes on himself at the sight of it, and she pukes at the sight of his vomit, leaving them in a sticky (http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/7845/mike0644.jpg).
i once was fucking 6 chicks in the ass. they were circled around me and were on a merri-go-round with a carved out center where i was standing. i had my trusty assistant spin the merri-go-round while i would assembly line plow them. you know, dip in, disassemble their bowel then dip out and repeat on the next. once i had preformed 3 rounds of the love revolver they all simultaneous turned to me and said "scheisse" (did i mention they were german? [ohh yah, they were also sextuplets {and great sex puppets}]). they then proceeded to diarrhea all over me. my reaction was to immediately puke all over them, of which the stomach acid and mass amounts of lava hot doritos i had eaten dissolved the sextuplets. i had a job interview in ten minutes and didn't have time to clean up so i went directly too it. luckily the interview was for a mascot position for a local high school football team called the mud monsters. they thought i had spirit and hired me right awayA+
one of my buddies was tellin' me this crazy story about a fish and a couch and whiskey dick, went like this.QuoteExpand QuoteOkay, I think Im finally going to tell this story, because I dont think she goes on here anymore and also because I don't care. You may know the person in question as Vicky, or victoria. This was like 2 years ago when I was going to school in Philly. I started chatting her up on here via PM, and then AIM. I end up meeting up with her on this one really rainy day at her school which was a couple blocks from where I went. We went to like some cafeteria or something and she put on Fully Flared on her Macbook. It was pretty awkward. All you guys who think that it would be sick to date a chick who is into skateboarding, its not what its cracked up to be. Any time she would bring up skateboarding it would be like "Oh, so and so is sooo sick! Did you see that Thunder ad!" It was just weird. But anyway I hang out with her 1 or 2 times after this, ALWAYS with her annoying friend, who incidentally also posted here but I dont remember his name. I went over to her friends house where she was hanging out one day after class (she refused to let me in her own apartment, I dont know why), and theyre throwing back rum and cokes. Its like 4 oclock. Shes already drunk, all sitting on my lap and shit and all over me. Now, I wasnt even sure if I was into it, but I just let it happen. She keeps drinking and is basically hammered, Im barely buzzed. We drive all over the fucking city to the train station to pick up her sister, and the whole time shes just so annoying and drunk. Finally we get back to this girls apartment, and we go in her friends room and she shuts the door. We start making out. Shirts off, titties sucked. I still pretty much just want tot leave at this point, the whole night had been annoying as fuck. Her friend starts opening the door and is like WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN HERE? And so shes all like "quick go in the bathroom!" because she's half naked. Im really fucking annoyed right now. Her friends like "JUST GO FUCK ON THE COUCH" and we go back in the living room. She takes her clothes off and literally just lays there like a dead fish. By this point i am woefully aware this isnt the most.. "fit" girl Ive been with. I could not be any more flaccid. After like 5 minutes of me hoping shell do some fluffing or something, I say something like "Ummmmmmm....its uhhh not getting...." We put our clothes back on, I walk to the train station and never see her again. She texts me a few days later asking if she was the reason I couldnt get a boner. I tell her it was because I was a virgin and was too nervous. I never talk to her again.
Moral: Dont try and fuck anyone from Slap.[close]
Yeah no shit. Didn't Lieutenant Wesley Crusher tell that story in Stand By Me?
One time I was fucking this elephant in the ass. I was standing on a ladder really giving it to that gaping pachyderm asshole, when I heard this loud trumpeting sound. Not speaking elephant, I mistook the violent, urgent trumpeting sounds for the screams of pleasure from a big fag mammal. Unfortunately I was wrong. After I started thrusting harder, the elephant started to spray elephant diarrhea, causing me to fly off the ladder, onto my back, where the jet from the giant poocano squirted in my mouth. Because of the loss of breath from slamming on my back, I was gulping for air and ended up swallowing a couple of mouthfuls of elephant diarrhea. I promptly stood up, keeled over, and puked out the shit. Upon looking back and seeing me puking up puke-shit, the elephant had to vomit too, but tried to hold it in his mouth, and it ended up shooting out of his trunk, straight up in the air, causing us to run around trying to avoid it, looking like two little kids running around in sprinkler on their mom's lawn on a hot a summer day.
At one point I looked over and saw a nasty looking baboon who was hiding in the bushes masturbating while he watched us fuck. The entire grisly scene made him vomit also.
This is pretty akward
http://www.efukt.com/20659_The_Fap_&_The_Furious.html
This is pretty akward
http://www.efukt.com/20659_The_Fap_&_The_Furious.html
Where the fuck does that guy live where so many women just casually look away and stay while he does that? Especially with a camera. I can only imagine someone with Downs Syndrome being able to do this with that reaction.looks like its in the czech republic or somewhere in central/near eastern europe. but you know, europeans are a little more adventurous when it comes to sex so those ladies must see public masturbators every single day. i like how some of those clips had a first person shooter vibe to them. i cant wait for impregnator 3D to cum out for the (solo) playstation
That guy's a pussy. Excepting certain Austrians, European perverts ain't shit. The real jizz sprayas be cummin from the land of the rising sun. Those are some real ass nasty tentacle fans who be running up and coating girls straight up. None of this lurking in the shadows business, get out and spray a street hoe today like a proper Japanese lust professional.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article3835640.ece > all of asiayeah i watched that shit on the national geographic channel, what a sick fuck
(http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/thumb/b/b7/Patriot.jpg/400px-Patriot.jpg)yeah i watched that shit on the national geographic channel, what a sick fuckExpand Quotehttp://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article3835640.ece > all of asia[close]
This is pretty akward
http://www.efukt.com/20659_The_Fap_&_The_Furious.html
I was 17, at my girl's house, we'd been dating 4 or 5 months, and finally she's down to do anal.
I assure her I have lube and will use my hands to get her asshole nice and ready for me.
5 minutes into it, I have my index and middle fingers in her tight little ass and she's starting to moan.
BOOM! her old man walks in the room cursing up a storm, ol' girl jumps up with my fingers still in her ass and breaks both of my fingers.
I had to have 'em both put in splints.
In retrospect, I was lucky her old man was such a little dude. I really think the fact that I was a solid foot taller and 40 pounds heavier than him is what kept him from freaking out. I wouldn't have been much good in a fight with 2 newly broken fingers.
should of asked her dad if he wanted to join in on the fun.
Expand QuoteI was 17, at my girl's house, we'd been dating 4 or 5 months, and finally she's down to do anal.
I assure her I have lube and will use my hands to get her asshole nice and ready for me.
5 minutes into it, I have my index and middle fingers in her tight little ass and she's starting to moan.
BOOM! her old man walks in the room cursing up a storm, ol' girl jumps up with my fingers still in her ass and breaks both of my fingers.
I had to have 'em both put in splints.
In retrospect, I was lucky her old man was such a little dude. I really think the fact that I was a solid foot taller and 40 pounds heavier than him is what kept him from freaking out. I wouldn't have been much good in a fight with 2 newly broken fingers.[close]
HAHAHAHAHAHA sorry but I had to say, "I broke my fingers in her asshole" out loud and it's way too funny. Thanks for the story hahaha.
Expand QuoteHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAExpand QuoteI was 17, at my girl's house, we'd been dating 4 or 5 months, and finally she's down to do anal.
I assure her I have lube and will use my hands to get her asshole nice and ready for me.
5 minutes into it, I have my index and middle fingers in her tight little ass and she's starting to moan.
BOOM! her old man walks in the room cursing up a storm, ol' girl jumps up with my fingers still in her ass and breaks both of my fingers.
I had to have 'em both put in splints.
In retrospect, I was lucky her old man was such a little dude. I really think the fact that I was a solid foot taller and 40 pounds heavier than him is what kept him from freaking out. I wouldn't have been much good in a fight with 2 newly broken fingers.[close]
HAHAHAHAHAHA sorry but I had to say, "I broke my fingers in her asshole" out loud and it's way too funny. Thanks for the story hahaha.[close]
AHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHA, OMG I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT I ACTUALLY CRIED!!! BEST STORY EVER
Anyone ever go down on a chick only to come up on some small torn off piece urinated toilet paper? It's happened more than once. Front to back ladies, front-to-back.haha damn Raul, that's rough. At least it wasn't like pussy hair dingleberrys, imagine if you stumbled upon that.
One time about a year ago or so my old elementary school friend came in town to hang out. We drove around all night and were just kicking it when he asked me "Hey how would you feel if i had sex with Cheyenne (my ex)?" I said "Sure, I don't care," because when someone asks you that question you don't really think it'll happen. Later that night he calls her and we start hanging out. We didn't have anywhere to stay so we just crashed in his car. I'm in the front seat trying to sleep when I hear him climb into the backseat. I start hearing them kissing and shit and in hopes of getting them to stop say "Are you sucking his dick yet?(i later find out that she in fact was)" They reply no and stop for a while. So i'm still laying there trying to snooze when i feel the car start to shake back and forth and hear heavy breathing. At one point one of them kicks my seat so i scoot it up. She says at this point, "Oh my god is he awake?" My friend says no and they keep going. Now i have two choices; either get out of the car and have them follow me and apologize for fucking less than a foot from me or tough it out. I go with option B and tough it out. it only lasted about 6 or so minutes after which they both get out of the car and go on a walk. I realize i only have a few precious minutes to make my escape so i get out of the car and walk a mile back to my house. I get to my house and my friend calls and says "sorry I didn't think you were awake." To you guys this might not be awkward but to me it was awkward as shit.
well my friend is a junkie so i steer clear and i made the bitch cry the next time i saw her.Expand QuoteOne time about a year ago or so my old elementary school friend came in town to hang out. We drove around all night and were just kicking it when he asked me "Hey how would you feel if i had sex with Cheyenne (my ex)?" I said "Sure, I don't care," because when someone asks you that question you don't really think it'll happen. Later that night he calls her and we start hanging out. We didn't have anywhere to stay so we just crashed in his car. I'm in the front seat trying to sleep when I hear him climb into the backseat. I start hearing them kissing and shit and in hopes of getting them to stop say "Are you sucking his dick yet?(i later find out that she in fact was)" They reply no and stop for a while. So i'm still laying there trying to snooze when i feel the car start to shake back and forth and hear heavy breathing. At one point one of them kicks my seat so i scoot it up. She says at this point, "Oh my god is he awake?" My friend says no and they keep going. Now i have two choices; either get out of the car and have them follow me and apologize for fucking less than a foot from me or tough it out. I go with option B and tough it out. it only lasted about 6 or so minutes after which they both get out of the car and go on a walk. I realize i only have a few precious minutes to make my escape so i get out of the car and walk a mile back to my house. I get to my house and my friend calls and says "sorry I didn't think you were awake." To you guys this might not be awkward but to me it was awkward as shit.[close]
damn that's a fucked up story. please tell me you never talked to either of them ever again
-I had been seeing this girl for like 2 weeks and all she'd ever do is give hand jobs. One night I just tried to get her to give me a blowjob, not even sex, and she starts to fucking cry. She says that she's not ready for that yet and all this other shit...but the awkward thing about that was a fucking teardrop landed on my dick.
I may have posted this already, but it's worth a repost because it's funny.She was probably dying inside when you told her that
So me and this chick are fooling around in my bed and I get out a condom, put it on and I'm ready to go. She was on her back so I made her turn over and bend over doggystyle. I slide her thong out of the way only to see a little dingleberry chillin there. I literally almost threw up all over her. So at this point my dick is a wet noodle. I had never been so turned off. I kinda panicked. I wasn't sure if I should say something about it or what. I knew I couldn't still fuck her, because I was way too grossed out. So I made up some lame excuse, "oh I bought the wrong condoms sorry." She looked at me confused and just said "oh ok, no worries." We stopped hanging out about a month later.
Fast forward about 4 months and she is talking shit about me to everyone. So I send her a text telling her about her little brown friend that was down there. I told her she might want to wipe before the next time she tries to do anything with someone. She just laughed it off like it was no big deal. So I'm wondering if she knows she's kinda dirty? ???
we had a 4 day fucking, including me being shitfaced drunk and puking, coming back to the room, undressing her and myself and ending up fucking her in the ass while penetrating her pussy with a dildo. oh, because I didn't came I started to stream some porn and jerked of, while she licked my balls. maybe not awkward, but I felt kinda cool.That is one SLAP-worthy story right there my friend
I may have posted this already, but it's worth a repost because it's funny.
So me and this chick are fooling around in my bed and I get out a condom, put it on and I'm ready to go. She was on her back so I made her turn over and bend over doggystyle. I slide her thong out of the way only to see a little dingleberry chillin there. I literally almost threw up all over her. So at this point my dick is a wet noodle. I had never been so turned off. I kinda panicked. I wasn't sure if I should say something about it or what. I knew I couldn't still fuck her, because I was way too grossed out. So I made up some lame excuse, "oh I bought the wrong condoms sorry." She looked at me confused and just said "oh ok, no worries." We stopped hanging out about a month later.
Fast forward about 4 months and she is talking shit about me to everyone. So I send her a text telling her about her little brown friend that was down there. I told her she might want to wipe before the next time she tries to do anything with someone. She just laughed it off like it was no big deal. So I'm wondering if she knows she's kinda dirty ???
Not mine but I think it's worth postingthat's an urban myth. Your friends friend is a virgin.
A kid my friend goes to school with had his parents go out and decided to have some chick come over while they were gone. At some point this guy ended up fucking this chick in the ass on his white couch in the living room. When he pulled out she immediately just shit all over his lap and all over the white couch and she was so embarrassed that she ran out of the house, still naked, and drove off. When the kid's parents came home he told them that it was the dog that shit all over the couch. For some reason this prompted the parents to put the dog down. I'm not sure why the did this but this is real because they don't have a dog anymore.
Me and my current girlfriend are shitfaced and we leave her friend in my living room to go to my bedroom.We fuck for awhile, I even have anal sex for the first time with her at this point.We fuck for I dont even know how long and shes been done, so she hops off and starts apologizing and then bursts into tears saying she tried so hard and that i must not be attracted her anymore,it was just a case of drunk dick,you all know what im sayin.But i was still trying to get my nut on,so I tell her to start sucking my dick.I felt kinda bad to have my crying girlfriend suck me off but whatevs.So shes sucking me like she never has before,sucking my balls and shit too.Then she starts to deepthroat me about 20 seconds later she proceeds to stop and throw up off the edge of my bed and then just pass the fuck out.Raaaaaaad
definitely a post that should be in the stoked on thread.Expand QuoteMe and my current girlfriend are shitfaced and we leave her friend in my living room to go to my bedroom.We fuck for awhile, I even have anal sex for the first time with her at this point.We fuck for I dont even know how long and shes been done, so she hops off and starts apologizing and then bursts into tears saying she tried so hard and that i must not be attracted her anymore,it was just a case of drunk dick,you all know what im sayin.But i was still trying to get my nut on,so I tell her to start sucking my dick.I felt kinda bad to have my crying girlfriend suck me off but whatevs.So shes sucking me like she never has before,sucking my balls and shit too.Then she starts to deepthroat me about 20 seconds later she proceeds to stop and throw up off the edge of my bed and then just pass the fuck out.Raaaaaaad[close]
sounds like a solid night.
one time i had sex in the back shoe room at this skateshop i work at and heard a customer come in and did the good old middle school stick up between the tummy and pants trick then helped the customers and then went back to have more fun.
One time I was starting to get into it with this chick and we were dirty talking and she accidentally said "God I love touching my cock." instead of "your cock". That was the end of that.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Its not that awkward
Back in April or May of this year, we were sleeping. I woke up early for some odd reason and I had the hardest boner. I would not go down after 10 minutes. I was like fuck it. My girlfriend and I just had sex that night so she was still naked, I rolled her over and started fucking her, she woke up and went along with it. Now she can get wet, but this wasn't the normal felling of her pussy. She was wetter than usual and a little thick. I thought it was nothing and kept going, then it wouldn't go away so I pull my dick out to find out her period started, we don't use condoms so I had blood all over my penis. I causally got up and wiped it off while she put in her tampon in. This has happened a few times. :-[
Expand QuoteIts not that awkward
Back in April or May of this year, we were sleeping. I woke up early for some odd reason and I had the hardest boner. I would not go down after 10 minutes. I was like fuck it. My girlfriend and I just had sex that night so she was still naked, I rolled her over and started fucking her, she woke up and went along with it. Now she can get wet, but this wasn't the normal felling of her pussy. She was wetter than usual and a little thick. I thought it was nothing and kept going, then it wouldn't go away so I pull my dick out to find out her period started, we don't use condoms so I had blood all over my penis. I causally got up and wiped it off while she put in her tampon in. This has happened a few times. :-[[close]
Sooo...you don't usually have sex when your girlfriend is on her period?? It's a little messy, but that never stopped me.
blood is the best lube
Put a t shirt or towel down and handle it.� I remember my first girlfriend would be down for it when she was shedding the lining of her utureus but would tell me "don't' look at it".
Fine with me.
A couple years later I finally met a girl who gave me one of my most desired birthday wishes, removing her soiled tampon.� It was so great to experience that because right after I removed she let me insert my meat tampon.� The sexual equivalent of a daily double on jeopardy.
when i was 5, my 17 year old girlfriend roofie'd my kool-aid jammer while we were munching on cheetos and waching air bud. it was hard to explain the aftermath to my parents.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Expand QuoteOne time I was starting to get into it with this chick and we were dirty talking and she accidentally said "God I love touching my cock." instead of "your cock". That was the end of that.[close]
Watson, despite our differences, I think that might be the best story I've read on this thread so far. At least in the top 3.
I give credit where credit's due. I wasn't being sarcastic.Expand QuoteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Expand QuoteOne time I was starting to get into it with this chick and we were dirty talking and she accidentally said "God I love touching my cock." instead of "your cock". That was the end of that.[close]
Watson, despite our differences, I think that might be the best story I've read on this thread so far. At least in the top 3.[close]
Hey, go fuck yourself.
Also, period sex: YUCK!
Also, period sex: YUCK!
I give credit where credit's due. I wasn't being sarcastic.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Expand QuoteOne time I was starting to get into it with this chick and we were dirty talking and she accidentally said "God I love touching my cock." instead of "your cock". That was the end of that.[close]
Watson, despite our differences, I think that might be the best story I've read on this thread so far. At least in the top 3.[close]
Hey, go fuck yourself.
Also, period sex: YUCK![close]
She doesn’t like to fuck on her period, I personally don’t care it was just awkward at first. She makes up for it when that week is over. It’s weird at first but it actually feels pretty damn good. I’m a stallion in bed, but when I feel that blood in her I just can help myself. I just tell her imagine before you are about to orgasm and I just stop, that’s basically how it feels. So every once in awhile she lets me release those little bastards in her and fuck that feels good. I think it’s the hot showers that make them not able to fertilize her egg…I’m not complain neither is she.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteIts not that awkward
Back in April or May of this year, we were sleeping. I woke up early for some odd reason and I had the hardest boner. I would not go down after 10 minutes. I was like fuck it. My girlfriend and I just had sex that night so she was still naked, I rolled her over and started fucking her, she woke up and went along with it. Now she can get wet, but this wasn't the normal felling of her pussy. She was wetter than usual and a little thick. I thought it was nothing and kept going, then it wouldn't go away so I pull my dick out to find out her period started, we don't use condoms so I had blood all over my penis. I causally got up and wiped it off while she put in her tampon in. This has happened a few times. :-[[close]
Sooo...you don't usually have sex when your girlfriend is on her period??? It's a little messy, but that never stopped me.[close]
Put a t shirt or towel down and handle it.? I remember my first girlfriend would be down for it when she was shedding the lining of her utureus but would tell me "don't' look at it".
Fine with me.
A couple years later I finally met a girl who gave me one of my most desired birthday wishes, removing her soiled tampon.? It was so great to experience that because right after I removed she let me insert my meat tampon.? The sexual equivalent of a daily double on jeopardy.
I think you both molested her brother.
Is it that freaky to cum over a chick? I usually do it with mah girl, cause I've got a hard time bustin with a condom, it just doesn't feel as good by far as rawdoggin it. I should take a std test or whatever, but here in Ukraine they still have the old school way of testing (meaning; they stick a stick in your dick). I'm totally against sticking things into my dick, so I won't have it.It's not that freaky I guess but I had only been fucking her for a few days and we were parked in a kind of public parking lot and I was fucking her hard from behind pushing her into my seat and door so the nutting everywhere was like an ender ender.
Actually something like that happened to me a little while ago, I had just come over her back, and thought it'd be nice to give her some extra finger action.....when I realized I still had goo-y stuff on my hands....whoops. But she just had her period so I suppose everythings cool.
I was on a vacation with the same girl from above, you know, the brother molesting bitch.? We went with her mother to the worst place in the United States, Dodge City, Kansas, for her mum's 20 year highschool Anniversary.? Anyways, we stay at this bed and breakfast, and while her mom ( and the entire fucking town) is at this rodeo, we decide to fuck in her mom's huge ass bed.? I'm hitting it from the backside when I slip out of vag and into foreign territory (asshole.)? She made a noise of extreme discomfort, but then pulled me in closer.? We tried for a few seconds longer before she decided she didn't like it.I don't think it was a good idea to fuck her after you had shit on your dick.
So I pull out, and there is shit in my pubes, on my dick, and I can smell it...It was pretty awful, but I didn't want to make shit awkward, so I wrapped the covers around my cock and cleaned the goods before going back into the comfort zone (vagina.)? I tried to continue, but I went soft when I couldn't shake the smell.? She aksed what was wrong, and I lightheartedly point at a tiny particle of poop in my pubes.? She started balling, ran out of the room, and hid in the bathroom for over an hour, balling.?
After some coaxing, she came out of the bathroom and into my arms.? I held her for an hour... we laughed, we cried, talked about the future.? And then her mom came home from the rodeo, kicked us out of her room, and she slept with shit covered blankets.?
I don't think it was a good idea to fuck her after you had shit on your dick.Expand QuoteI was on a vacation with the same girl from above, you know, the brother molesting bitch.? We went with her mother to the worst place in the United States, Dodge City, Kansas, for her mum's 20 year highschool Anniversary.? Anyways, we stay at this bed and breakfast, and while her mom ( and the entire fucking town) is at this rodeo, we decide to fuck in her mom's huge ass bed.? I'm hitting it from the backside when I slip out of vag and into foreign territory (asshole.)? She made a noise of extreme discomfort, but then pulled me in closer.? We tried for a few seconds longer before she decided she didn't like it.
So I pull out, and there is shit in my pubes, on my dick, and I can smell it...It was pretty awful, but I didn't want to make shit awkward, so I wrapped the covers around my cock and cleaned the goods before going back into the comfort zone (vagina.)? I tried to continue, but I went soft when I couldn't shake the smell.? She aksed what was wrong, and I lightheartedly point at a tiny particle of poop in my pubes.? She started balling, ran out of the room, and hid in the bathroom for over an hour, balling.?
After some coaxing, she came out of the bathroom and into my arms.? I held her for an hour... we laughed, we cried, talked about the future.? And then her mom came home from the rodeo, kicked us out of her room, and she slept with shit covered blankets.?[close]
I met this chick in the beginning of the summer who kind of came off as a bitch plus I found out she had a boyfriend so I paid her no mind. We'd always see each other at bars but would never really do more than exchange a few words so I figured it stayed being that she was taken and a shy chick/stuck up bitch. For the past 3 weeks though we've been fucking almost every night into the wee hours to the point where I'm always feeling like a zombie.
Now, this chick's freaky Peruvian punk side really comes out when she's fucking so one morning, trying to take advantage of that freaky side of hers, I told her I wanted to do some dirty shit to her like nut on her ass. So I'm fucking her from behind, slip the rubber off, and start nutting on her ass. Being as that I'm basically blind without my glasses, I aim a little too low and get it all over her asshole (I think) and on her pussy. It actually got funny for a sec because it shot so hard that my cum bounced off her ass and onto my seats. She starts to freak out a little telling me how I'm an idiot and that she's not on the pill (like I'd really get her pregnant by nutting ON her pussy) and so on. I kinda thought it was funny at first but then she looked really pissed so I got a little shook about the situation. I had to give her a sock to wipe down and was getting a bit nervous and paranoid. It's all good now though, been getting my nut with her ever since.
Ive been fucking this girl for a couple of months and when were doing it. sometimes i get a lil crazy and start thinking of shocking her idk why it always goes through my mind.? :PMaybe you're into some weird shit. I worked with a girl who's ex-boyfriend was into getting his nipples shocked. ???
Maybe you're into some weird shit. I worked with a girl who's ex-boyfriend was into getting his nipples shocked. ???Expand QuoteIve been fucking this girl for a couple of months and when were doing it. sometimes i get a lil crazy and start thinking of shocking her idk why it always goes through my mind.? :P[close]
It's not that freaky I guess but I had only been fucking her for a few days and we were parked in a kind of public parking lot and I was fucking her hard from behind pushing her into my seat and door so the nutting everywhere was like an ender ender.Expand QuoteIs it that freaky to cum over a chick? I usually do it with mah girl, cause I've got a hard time bustin with a condom, it just doesn't feel as good by far as rawdoggin it. I should take a std test or whatever, but here in Ukraine they still have the old school way of testing (meaning; they stick a stick in your dick). I'm totally against sticking things into my dick, so I won't have it.
Actually something like that happened to me a little while ago, I had just come over her back, and thought it'd be nice to give her some extra finger action.....when I realized I still had goo-y stuff on my hands....whoops. But she just had her period so I suppose everythings cool.[close]
Expand QuoteI met this chick in the beginning of the summer who kind of came off as a bitch plus I found out she had a boyfriend so I paid her no mind. We'd always see each other at bars but would never really do more than exchange a few words so I figured it stayed being that she was taken and a shy chick/stuck up bitch. For the past 3 weeks though we've been fucking almost every night into the wee hours to the point where I'm always feeling like a zombie.
Now, this chick's freaky Peruvian punk side really comes out when she's fucking so one morning, trying to take advantage of that freaky side of hers, I told her I wanted to do some dirty shit to her like nut on her ass. So I'm fucking her from behind, slip the rubber off, and start nutting on her ass. Being as that I'm basically blind without my glasses, I aim a little too low and get it all over her asshole (I think) and on her pussy. It actually got funny for a sec because it shot so hard that my cum bounced off her ass and onto my seats. She starts to freak out a little telling me how I'm an idiot and that she's not on the pill (like I'd really get her pregnant by nutting ON her pussy) and so on. I kinda thought it was funny at first but then she looked really pissed so I got a little shook about the situation. I had to give her a sock to wipe down and was getting a bit nervous and paranoid. It's all good now though, been getting my nut with her ever since.[close]
Russian Vov, do I have a story for you... See you tomorrow babe.
I did that one time.....right before I did it, I straight up took a deep breath and asked her to confirm that she hadn't shit at any recent time prior. Also, one time, this same chick began her period as we were switching positions (her going on top) so that's when she decided she wanted anal. Luckily, no poop but it just felt weird so I let her knob me off til I nutted.Expand QuoteMaybe you're into some weird shit. I worked with a girl who's ex-boyfriend was into getting his nipples shocked. ???Expand QuoteIve been fucking this girl for a couple of months and when were doing it. sometimes i get a lil crazy and start thinking of shocking her idk why it always goes through my mind.? :P[close][close]
I think you two are talking about different things. In which case, Chile, just do it. If she doesn't like it, find a girl who does.
Maybe its the countrymenship, but whenever I read about Matzes sexual exploits I picture a real sweaty dude with a red head yelling nasty german words for genitalia and it's kind of a turn off. Like when you just found a decent looking porn in hd and start to work your way through to lotions number 2 and 3 and all of a sudden, minute 31 or so, a new dude enters who's all red and sweaty and the rest of the porn is close ups of his balls and asshole and you can't rewind the video and your internet just disconnected and you know it's gonna take an our for it to be running again.This actually happened to you, didn't it... hahaha
This actually happened to you, didn't it... hahahaExpand QuoteMaybe its the countrymenship, but whenever I read about Matzes sexual exploits I picture a real sweaty dude with a red head yelling nasty german words for genitalia and it's kind of a turn off. Like when you just found a decent looking porn in hd and start to work your way through to lotions number 2 and 3 and all of a sudden, minute 31 or so, a new dude enters who's all red and sweaty and the rest of the porn is close ups of his balls and asshole and you can't rewind the video and your internet just disconnected and you know it's gonna take an our for it to be running again.[close]
This one's not as bad as a lot that have been posted, but still....
So I'm helping my gf watch the house of her grandma, (how many dudes hope it'll be a granny fuck story?) cause he grandma is out of town for a couple of days (sorry bros). Apearrently the neighbourhood is kinda sketchy, neighbours might steal shiot and whatever.
In the evening we're starting some nice touchy/feely/getting hot foreplay. At a certain moment my girl starts to get down on me, sucking my dick. I love it when she takes initiative. But after a few minutes she gets a phone call. Her grandma. She has to awnser, cause else grandma will get worried. So after a few things said (i don't know what, they speak russian) my girl goes into sucking my dick and talking on the phone, like making the "hmhm uhu" sound to grandma. It was kinda akward, but at the same time pretty fucking awesome.
This girl I know down the street came to my house because she was bored. I was the only one at my house (thank god). We were talking about stuff, somehow got horny and she decided to give me a hand job. We were about a minute into it then I look out the window and they were 3 kids about 12 years old looking through the window. Adding insult to injury THEY WERE MY LITTLE BROTHERS FRIENDS. I closed the blinds and we went off into another room. I took me about 2 minutes to forget the whole thing and get my hard back on. I'm 100% positive they told my little bro.soo, did they?
Edit - This was a week ago.
this happened to me a few years back. not that crazy or awkward, but still weird. i was with this girl for a couple months, and our entire relationship consisted of sex and alcohol only. in fact, the first time we hooked up (and the first time we met), we were both so drunk that the following morning, between the two of us we couldn't figure out how we got to my place, and spent literally three hours searching for my car before finding it. not my proudest moment. and of course I didn't wrap it up. just a night full of good decisions. anyways, a couple weeks later, we're at my house again, and again we're falling-over drunk. we'd been fucking for what seemed like hours and I was getting bored/tired/ready to pass out. i ask here if she's ready to finish, and while still thrusting, she drops her voice an octave and demonically grumbles "Finish Him" and then sorta half-giggled. through my inebriated state I formed one coherent thought : "did this girl seriously just reference mortal kombat during sex?" what the fuck. then I ripped her head off and shouted "FATALITY!" only kidding, but the rest is true.
This one's not as bad as a lot that have been posted, but still....
So I'm helping my gf watch the house of her grandma, (how many dudes hope it'll be a granny fuck story?) cause he grandma is out of town for a couple of days (sorry bros). Apearrently the neighbourhood is kinda sketchy, neighbours might steal shiot and whatever.
In the evening we're starting some nice touchy/feely/getting hot foreplay. At a certain moment my girl starts to get down on me, sucking my dick. I love it when she takes initiative. But after a few minutes she gets a phone call. Her grandma. She has to awnser, cause else grandma will get worried. So after a few things said (i don't know what, they speak russian) my girl goes into sucking my dick and talking on the phone, like making the "hmhm uhu" sound to grandma. It was kinda akward, but at the same time pretty fucking awesome.
That's weird to me. Not bad, I mean if you're into it that's great. People are into some weird shit.not into it at all. it was her idea to give me a blowie while she was peeing and i wasn't about to pass up a bj.
That's weird to me. Not bad, I mean if you're into it that's great. People are into some weird shit.
This isn't that awkward but a rawbertson story just reminded me of this girl who used me for her first beej experienced. In high school, one of my study hall advisors was a supreme weirdo and wanted me to date her daughter that was like 2 years younger than me. I dated the girl for a few weeks and she wanted to do the deed. I'd had a few beej's before so I knew how things went. She on the other hand, had no fucking idea what she was doing and did this lame 'suck the tip slowly' thing for about 40 minutes. It was actually so fucking boring I had to tell her stop trying. Broke it off with her a few days later because you can't date a girl who can't take a dick. Her Mom has since hated me for fucking ever.
So fast forward a few years to present day. A friend of mine from high school met up with the same girl and banged her a few times. I told him how terrible she was at giving head and he mentioned that she knew it. Apparently when I dumped her, she knew it was because she was awful at giving head. He said she's one of those chicks that gags herself and deepthroats insanely hard now. Glad to hear I helped her find her flaws and improve them.
this happened to me a few years back. not that crazy or awkward, but still weird. i was with this girl for a couple months, and our entire relationship consisted of sex and alcohol only.? in fact, the first time we hooked up (and the first time we met), we were both so drunk that the following morning, between the two of us we couldn't figure out how we got to my place, and spent literally three hours searching for my car before finding it. not my proudest moment. and of course I didn't wrap it up. just a night full of good decisions. anyways, a couple weeks later, we're at my house again, and again we're falling-over drunk. we'd been fucking for what seemed like hours and I was getting bored/tired/ready to pass out. i ask here if she's ready to finish, and while still thrusting, she drops her voice an octave and demonically grumbles "Finish Him" and then sorta half-giggled.? through my inebriated state I formed one coherent thought : "did this girl seriously just reference mortal kombat during sex?" what the fuck.? then I ripped her head off and shouted "FATALITY!"? only kidding, but the rest is true.?
Expand Quotethis happened to me a few years back. not that crazy or awkward, but still weird. i was with this girl for a couple months, and our entire relationship consisted of sex and alcohol only.? in fact, the first time we hooked up (and the first time we met), we were both so drunk that the following morning, between the two of us we couldn't figure out how we got to my place, and spent literally three hours searching for my car before finding it. not my proudest moment. and of course I didn't wrap it up. just a night full of good decisions. anyways, a couple weeks later, we're at my house again, and again we're falling-over drunk. we'd been fucking for what seemed like hours and I was getting bored/tired/ready to pass out. i ask here if she's ready to finish, and while still thrusting, she drops her voice an octave and demonically grumbles "Finish Him" and then sorta half-giggled.? through my inebriated state I formed one coherent thought : "did this girl seriously just reference mortal kombat during sex?" what the fuck.? then I ripped her head off and shouted "FATALITY!"? only kidding, but the rest is true.?[close]
Dude, if you're done with her, I'd sure like to take a crack at her. Liu Kang that azz. Call her Sonya and shit.
these stories are soo intriguing!
ok sooooo...
the other day, me and my female friend of 4 years were volunteering, amongst other high schoolers, to decorate for homecoming. a couple hours into it, we decided to rest near a set of stairs. we then began to play wrestle as she tried to remove my glasses. after an estimated 4 minutes of tumbling around the floor, she sat up on top of me and laid her hand on my crotch. i became excited and my fellow class mates were very aware.. :-[ in a sudden act of embarassment, i sat up and began to passionately kiss my best friend. she accepted and we kissed for a decent amount of time until i felt the attention had moved else where. this event has left me in the happiest relationship i've ever had!
it is very wild saucy! nothing like that has ever happened to me, ever. i'm so glad i'm an awkward cat. thanks bud!Expand Quotethese stories are soo intriguing!
ok sooooo...
the other day, me and my female friend of 4 years were volunteering, amongst other high schoolers, to decorate for homecoming. a couple hours into it, we decided to rest near a set of stairs. we then began to play wrestle as she tried to remove my glasses. after an estimated 4 minutes of tumbling around the floor, she sat up on top of me and laid her hand on my crotch. i became excited and my fellow class mates were very aware.. :-[ in a sudden act of embarassment, i sat up and began to passionately kiss my best friend. she accepted and we kissed for a decent amount of time until i felt the attention had moved else where. this event has left me in the happiest relationship i've ever had![close]
That's pretty wild, and something I would always wish would happen to me in high school. Good for you.
I recall when I was like 16 I went bowling with some friends and we all get really fucked up drunk. Drunken bowling = depressingly poor.The night after I lost my virginity, the same chick and I left a movie early to go fuck in the coed bathroom. I had her in the sink with her thong to the side, almost ready to nut, and there's someone at the door. She leaves first then I follow like 3 seconds later to see a random kid standing at the door looking really confused. Fuck him but whatever I think I still got some later on. Oh and speaking of losing my v card to this chick, we fucked on a gravestone...
So myself and my girl decide to go for a quick one in the disabled toilets as I had previously spotted them as a prime dogging spot.
So I'm lying on this filthy piss ridden toilet floor as she writhing on top of my half erect/half whiskey-dick and shes facing the wall, I'm facing looking over her shoulder at the door. Some father and his kid open the door (which we had drunkenly forgot to lock suffieciently) and is like WHOA! Well...actually he was completely dumbfounded and silent. He closes the door and probably cant fathom the words he is going to tell his son. I keep going as I am getting that drunken false alarm that your just about to come (in other words you can kind of feel your dick again for a split second) and she hasnt even realised what had happened anyway, I tell her to "get off me a second, I gotta check if the door is locked", so slyly I go and lock the door PROPERLY this time, I get her on top of me again, this time on top of the toilet seat, we're fucking for like 10 mins, and I hear this awful cracking noise beneath me, I stand up and low and behold the toilet seat had broken.... Fair enough, Why should I care? Next up, security starts banging at the door, we look at one another in panic. Quickly, quickly, quickly get dressed, fuuuuck.
Sweet, Im dressed, now what the fuck did I do with that condom? I try to think but in the confusion of the angry shouts on the other end of the door, I prepare instead to face the music/overgrown fists of a security guard. I open the door and get all sorts of outraged babble as the man from before stands with his hands by his hips. Naturally at 16 years of age, my first thought is to be like "What!? That's bullshit, we weren't having sex". Poor move son. The security man points out that my trousers are on inside out to and points towards one of my etnies where a bloodied remainder of what I assumed was a condom lay hanging over the edge of my shoe. Needless to say we were quickly removed from the premises where I then had to listen to my girlfriend bitch at me for not telling her someone had walked in.
My only defense was "You didnt tell me you were on your period"
Good times.
Another bad one was with the same girl actually, I used to stay in my grannies house when me parents would go on holidays and shit.
So I would have her house free every friday night when she went to Bingo. So Im again fucking this girl when I think I hear the front door close, I wait a second, and no noises are heard...just keep going. Seconds later my granny opens the door to see her grandsons ass pumping into his underage girlfriend ON HER DINING TABLE may I add. She leaves without a word and we pull up those trousers faster than they came down. I run out and apologise profusely, she laughs it off when my girlfriend leaves, tail between her legs.
Gotta keep in mind though my granny is pretty awesome, she used to grow weed for me.
she used to grow weed for me.
I once met two girls at a bar and got invited to their place. We hung out for a while drinking when one of them started talking about sex and shit, threesomes and how she never had an orgasm from sex. I go "o rly" and since she had bigger tits than the other, I groped them and we started making out real awkwardly and I think she tried to give me a dry foot job. Girl 2 fell asleep in the meantime and I was bummed I ruined the threesome vibe.Im having a hard time coming from this story rather than masturbation.
Then we went back to girl 1's house where she mentions again how she has such a hard time to come from sex rather than masturbation, to which I must've replied with a witty "lol I'm definetely not one to change that" and we ended up never having secks. I passed out happy with my self-irony.
pretty anti climatic story huh? zang.
I recall when I was like 16 I went bowling with some friends and we all get really fucked up drunk. Drunken bowling = depressingly poor.
So myself and my girl decide to go for a quick one in the disabled toilets as I had previously spotted them as a prime dogging spot.
So I'm lying on this filthy piss ridden toilet floor as she writhing on top of my half erect/half whiskey-dick and shes facing the wall, I'm facing looking over her shoulder at the door. Some father and his kid open the door (which we had drunkenly forgot to lock suffieciently) and is like WHOA! Well...actually he was completely dumbfounded and silent. He closes the door and probably cant fathom the words he is going to tell his son. I keep going as I am getting that drunken false alarm that your just about to come (in other words you can kind of feel your dick again for a split second) and she hasnt even realised what had happened anyway, I tell her to "get off me a second, I gotta check if the door is locked", so slyly I go and lock the door PROPERLY this time, I get her on top of me again, this time on top of the toilet seat, we're fucking for like 10 mins, and I hear this awful cracking noise beneath me, I stand up and low and behold the toilet seat had broken.... Fair enough, Why should I care? Next up, security starts banging at the door, we look at one another in panic. Quickly, quickly, quickly get dressed, fuuuuck.
Sweet, Im dressed, now what the fuck did I do with that condom? I try to think but in the confusion of the angry shouts on the other end of the door, I prepare instead to face the music/overgrown fists of a security guard. I open the door and get all sorts of outraged babble as the man from before stands with his hands by his hips. Naturally at 16 years of age, my first thought is to be like "What!? That's bullshit, we weren't having sex". Poor move son. The security man points out that my trousers are on inside out to and points towards one of my etnies where a bloodied remainder of what I assumed was a condom lay hanging over the edge of my shoe. Needless to say we were quickly removed from the premises where I then had to listen to my girlfriend bitch at me for not telling her someone had walked in.
My only defense was "You didnt tell me you were on your period"
Good times.
Another bad one was with the same girl actually, I used to stay in my grannies house when me parents would go on holidays and shit.
So I would have her house free every friday night when she went to Bingo. So Im again fucking this girl when I think I hear the front door close, I wait a second, and no noises are heard...just keep going. Seconds later my granny opens the door to see her grandsons ass pumping into his underage girlfriend ON HER DINING TABLE may I add. She leaves without a word and we pull up those trousers faster than they came down. I run out and apologise profusely, she laughs it off when my girlfriend leaves, tail between her legs.
Gotta keep in mind though my granny is pretty awesome, she used to grow weed for me.
My girl was giving me a blowie while she was taking a piss and she choked and sprayed all over my legs. She kinda just smiled at me and finished her job.She's a keeper.
this happened to me a few years back. not that crazy or awkward, but still weird. i was with this girl for a couple months, and our entire relationship consisted of sex and alcohol only.? in fact, the first time we hooked up (and the first time we met), we were both so drunk that the following morning, between the two of us we couldn't figure out how we got to my place, and spent literally three hours searching for my car before finding it. not my proudest moment. and of course I didn't wrap it up. just a night full of good decisions. anyways, a couple weeks later, we're at my house again, and again we're falling-over drunk. we'd been fucking for what seemed like hours and I was getting bored/tired/ready to pass out. i ask here if she's ready to finish, and while still thrusting, she drops her voice an octave and demonically grumbles "Finish Him" and then sorta half-giggled.? through my inebriated state I formed one coherent thought : "did this girl seriously just reference mortal kombat during sex?" what the fuck.? then I ripped her head off and shouted "FATALITY!"? only kidding, but the rest is true.?
these stories are soo intriguing!I saw you in a teen romance movie
ok sooooo...
the other day, me and my female friend of 4 years were volunteering, amongst other high schoolers, to decorate for homecoming. a couple hours into it, we decided to rest near a set of stairs. we then began to play wrestle as she tried to remove my glasses. after an estimated 4 minutes of tumbling around the floor, she sat up on top of me and laid her hand on my crotch. i became excited and my fellow class mates were very aware.. :-[ in a sudden act of embarassment, i sat up and began to passionately kiss my best friend. she accepted and we kissed for a decent amount of time until i felt the attention had moved else where. this event has left me in the happiest relationship i've ever had!
A few years ago I nailed a girl I met at some bar. Stumbled to her place and thought things were vaguely familiar, but just figured it was one of those Life-repeat dejavu moments. Next morning I realized how I knew the place. A friend of mine pointed out her house and said that's where his new girl lived. A few weeks later both of them met up with me and some people at small diner, and I sat directly across from her. Fast forward to now, they're engaged and she calls me when he's out of town to try to get me over. When I don't she usually breaks into tears and swears we can't ever tell anybody. It's more hillarious than anything actually. She was not good enough to risk a repeat.
Expand QuoteA few years ago I nailed a girl I met at some bar. Stumbled to her place and thought things were vaguely familiar, but just figured it was one of those Life-repeat dejavu moments. Next morning I realized how I knew the place. A friend of mine pointed out her house and said that's where his new girl lived. A few weeks later both of them met up with me and some people at small diner, and I sat directly across from her. Fast forward to now, they're engaged and she calls me when he's out of town to try to get me over. When I don't she usually breaks into tears and swears we can't ever tell anybody. It's more hillarious than anything actually. She was not good enough to risk a repeat.[close]
Dude thats your mate shes engaged to, tell him to get the fuck outta there!!!
Isn't my job to educate the dude. Like all men, he'll find out for himself if the chick doesn't change her ways. All I can do is my own shit.
nothing's happened to me, but that is not the case for this guy http://joeljohnson.com/2010/why-im-funny (http://joeljohnson.com/2010/why-im-funny)
had a close call with herpes a few weeks back. I should have known she was a skank when she wanted to fuck in golden gate park. Luckily i had too much liqour to get it up, saved by whiskey dick.Sometimes you put your cock in fate's hands and hope she keeps it out of harms way. You sir, are a lucky dude.
Expand Quotenothing's happened to me, but that is not the case for this guy http://joeljohnson.com/2010/why-im-funny (http://joeljohnson.com/2010/why-im-funny)[close]
oh man. just.. wow
fuck. that's a new level of gnarlyExpand QuoteExpand Quotenothing's happened to me, but that is not the case for this guy http://joeljohnson.com/2010/why-im-funny (http://joeljohnson.com/2010/why-im-funny)[close]
oh man. just.. wow[close]
Good god...that is an intense story
I told one on here awhile back a bout how my dad walked in on me eating out my gf at the time, he as was all "hey son you want a ooooooooo" and like did this back peddle out of the room, he had came to see if I wanted a slice of pizza but he didnt know I already had a slice.I'm not goint to lie. I remember you posting some incoherent bullshit on here about two months ago that for some reason I always remember everytime you post something.
Then one time much later when i was 17 there was this girl, She was from pennsylvania. I met her on a camping trip. I knew I had to fuck her. She was a bombshell. so anyways I somehow managed to get them all over to my pad for some drinking. She was over with her man, his friend, my 2 friends and my dad, who helped me out with the situation. Anyways we all were getting drunk but not too bad, her bf decides to go pass out in his car, bad idea, cause as soon as he left, she stuck her tongue down my throat and we proceed to tear each others clothes off, what was cool about it was she asked me right in the middle of fucking her if She could put my dick in her ass, that was a first. then she insisted that I duct tape her hands behind her back and yeah needless to say she wound up staying with me for like a week or so just for fucking. the weird part was when she tried to give me a rim job. it felt as if a slug had been well placed on my ass. then she flew back to pa sometime after that and never heard from her again.
the lesson here folks? Silence is golden, But duct Tape is silver
Fictional but a good read http://miraclejones.blogspot.com/2010/10/how-to-get-laid-for-zero-dollars-and.html (http://miraclejones.blogspot.com/2010/10/how-to-get-laid-for-zero-dollars-and.html)Really good read, thanks!! Is there something true about the rats in NYC after 9/11?
Fictional but a good read http://miraclejones.blogspot.com/2010/10/how-to-get-laid-for-zero-dollars-and.html (http://miraclejones.blogspot.com/2010/10/how-to-get-laid-for-zero-dollars-and.html)
Austin, this is the wrong thread for your random postsyeah, shut your shit, worst poster of 2010. I hope we don't get someone worse this new year.
Double post I guess. In the back of a girl's car. After hanky pank she wants to give head. She's going at it and I'm pushing her head down farther and farther. Suddenly I feel this warm wet sensation. It takes me a minute to snap back and take in the situation: It wasn't me and she puked on my unit. There was a horrifying pause and a silence that stopped time. In the dim light we see it's clear. No smell, no chunks, nothing resembling vomit. We exchange relieved comments of "What the hell is that?" and laugh it off. I start wiping it up with a shirt but she stops me, uses it as lube and keeps going. Trooper.
i fucked a chick while watching the room a few weeks back....
Expand Quotei fucked a chick while watching the room a few weeks back....[close]
were you tearing her apart? ....lisa?
When I was 5 or 6, while foraging for christmas presents I stumbled upon my dad's Playboy collection in his room on that upper shelf above where your shirt hanger is. Being a good friend, I chose to share the wealth, and next time I saw my buddy, this next door neighbor kid named O'Dell, I told him about said treasures. We snuck into my house and made our way downstairs to my parents room, and fanned out all of the playboys on their bed. O'Dell and I had then went through the selection, and set out our personal favorites, and then for some reason opened the centerfolds, layed them down on the bed, pulled our pants down to our knees and began smearing our limp, sweaty little 6 year old cocks all over the centerfolds. This went on for a little while before the jig was up. My mom came in to witness the ghastly visage. Whilst getting my ass handed to me, my buddy narrowly escaped.
I also gave the back cover of the vhs sleeve for Roger Rabbit the same treatment, but spacifically rubbing my nuts all over Jessica Rabbit.
I think this Playboy scenerio was the first of my many attempts at fucking inanimate things, or maybe this is the first moment I began actually remembering things.
I just remember my tongue stumbling upon the wrong hole during a 69
through up and then made out with a chick that watched me throw up...
The girl I was seeing towards the end of summer decided to come to town for her bf's birthday. After some drinks and her bf going home early, we somehow ended up at her buddy's house. To make a long story short, we fucked on some sofa cushions set up on the floor and then I had to nut off into an empty beer bottle. The beer bottle part was the awkward part.
Expand QuoteThe girl I was seeing towards the end of summer decided to come to town for her bf's birthday. After some drinks and her bf going home early, we somehow ended up at her buddy's house. To make a long story short, we fucked on some sofa cushions set up on the floor and then I had to nut off into an empty beer bottle. The beer bottle part was the awkward part.[close]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you left that part out earlier. Did you get it all in? 'Cause that'd be some precision gunslinging.
haha most of it went in. This is saying a lot because it was super late at night, I was drunk, and I'm basically blind without my glasses on especially in the dark. That'd be an amazing feat to do it from a distance! Reminds me of another story actually....Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThe girl I was seeing towards the end of summer decided to come to town for her bf's birthday. After some drinks and her bf going home early, we somehow ended up at her buddy's house. To make a long story short, we fucked on some sofa cushions set up on the floor and then I had to nut off into an empty beer bottle. The beer bottle part was the awkward part.[close]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you left that part out earlier. Did you get it all in? 'Cause that'd be some precision gunslinging.[close]
I hope you tried to shoot in from a distance, would multiply the radness of that situation
She sounds like a definite winner? Got a pic of this champion so I can place a face to the story?
there should be a preteen edition of this thread, cause you know everybody gets a little wierd in their youth......i definitely have multiple memories of making girls touch my dick through my pants on the school bus........and then one time getting in trouble for showing my dick to some girls in a 5th grade game of truth or dare by a their mother, who of course called to tell my parents, wasn't hangin out over there anymore.......
Expand Quotethere should be a preteen edition of this thread, cause you know everybody gets a little wierd in their youth......i definitely have multiple memories of making girls touch my dick through my pants on the school bus........and then one time getting in trouble for showing my dick to some girls in a 5th grade game of truth or dare by a their mother, who of course called to tell my parents, wasn't hangin out over there anymore.......[close]
That reminds me of this time when I was maybe 5 or 6, I was in school and I left class to go to the bathroom. When I was in there looking at the mirror I realized that I could pull me pants and underwear down a little bit, then let the shirt I was wearing cover my exposed self (because the shirt went down to my knees almost.)
So for the rest of that day I would flash people when they had their back to me, I think it just made me feel free and liberated, but there was something erotic about it too, because I wanted the other kids to see me, but I just didn't want to get in trouble.
I just remember my tongue stumbling upon the wrong hole during a 69
Alright so...
this chick wanted to fool around in the back of my station wagon (the car i also used for delivering plants for my greenhouse job). We get kissin and move into the back, i folded the seats down.
It was after a grad party so i was not in the best of conditions, ya know.. So I made the terrible decision of going down on her. Her vag wasn't bad, trimmed up and didn't smell like a korean fish market.
Suddenly i have something in my mouth.. what the hell. Its fuzzy and hard - then i remembered I had some dried broom corn in the back of my car for work. I relaxed, pulled that thing out of my mouth.. and kept truckin.
Once again something else in my mouth.. poo chunk perhaps? Gross. I don't know what it was... but I then remembered i cleaned my car up after I delivered that broom corn. There wasn't and plant remainder in my vehicle, it was all poo remainder of her anus. How did it get to her va-jay-jay? I don't know.
Then the greatest thing happened to me.. a cop drove by with his search-light on, seein if anyone was around in our cars. Luckily we didn't get caught, but it gave me a great excuse to kick out the girl who doesn't wipe her poop chute.
Alright so...
this chick wanted to fool around in the back of my station wagon (the car i also used for delivering plants for my greenhouse job). We get kissin and move into the back, i folded the seats down.
It was after a grad party so i was not in the best of conditions, ya know.. So I made the terrible decision of going down on her. Her vag wasn't bad, trimmed up and didn't smell like a korean fish market.
Suddenly i have something in my mouth.. what the hell. Its fuzzy and hard - then i remembered I had some dried broom corn in the back of my car for work. I relaxed, pulled that thing out of my mouth.. and kept truckin.
Once again something else in my mouth.. poo chunk perhaps? Gross. I don't know what it was... but I then remembered i cleaned my car up after I delivered that broom corn. There wasn't and plant remainder in my vehicle, it was all poo remainder of her anus. How did it get to her va-jay-jay? I don't know.
Then the greatest thing happened to me.. a cop drove by with his search-light on, seein if anyone was around in our cars. Luckily we didn't get caught, but it gave me a great excuse to kick out the girl who doesn't wipe her poop chute.
ive been with many vaginas and even explored the asshole and have never ever found anything aside from a string. gnarly, yes, but enough of a warning sign to avoid anything below the clit. chicks are pretty clean usually...you sure it was shit? did it taste like shit?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LAnmnS0-9g
and along with the tasting like shit subject, you guys ever wonder if maybe it doesnt taste like it smells? sometimes food smells weird and tastes great. never eaten shit, so i guess ill never know.
ive been with many vaginas and even explored the asshole and have never ever found anything aside from a string. gnarly, yes, but enough of a warning sign to avoid anything below the clit. chicks are pretty clean usually...you sure it was shit? did it taste like shit?It's not that bad.
and along with the tasting like shit subject, you guys ever wonder if maybe it doesnt taste like it smells? sometimes food smells weird and tastes great. never eaten shit, so i guess ill never know.
Your not alone, I've done it a few times.It's not that bad.Expand Quoteive been with many vaginas and even explored the asshole and have never ever found anything aside from a string. gnarly, yes, but enough of a warning sign to avoid anything below the clit. chicks are pretty clean usually...you sure it was shit? did it taste like shit?
and along with the tasting like shit subject, you guys ever wonder if maybe it doesnt taste like it smells? sometimes food smells weird and tastes great. never eaten shit, so i guess ill never know.[close]
Have any of you ever had sex with a girl while she was asleep? She was my girlfriend so it's alright, but one day i woke up with a boner and decided to just go for it. I hope i'm not alone in doing this.
One time I got really really drunk off Jack Daniels and I was hooking up with two girls, when they pulled off my pants I wasnt hard, so one of them tried to jerk me off and get me hard, It wasnt happening. First time I ever experienced Whiskey dick, embarassing. Good thing I dont know any of you.
i used to fuck this chick in my last year of college, she was prety much a butterface with real tits that looked like they were fake, and she had daddy issues and loved to fuck. basically she used to sleep at my parents house, i'd sneak her in because you could get into the basement from the garage. I didn't want to introduce her to my parents becuase i didnt really like her and planned on breaking up with her sooner or later. I used to wake up to her crying in the middle of the night about some bullshit I never cared about.What a stupid bitch.
anyways, one night she must have been tired of sleeping at my paretns house and not meeting my parents, so she goes upstairs in the mniddle of the night, and puts her purse on the kitchen table. I wake up an dmy mom is like who is amanda? she ends up meeting her tha tmorning.
basically I dumped her 3 days later.
What a stupid bitch.Expand Quotei used to fuck this chick in my last year of college, she was prety much a butterface with real tits that looked like they were fake, and she had daddy issues and loved to fuck. basically she used to sleep at my parents house, i'd sneak her in because you could get into the basement from the garage. I didn't want to introduce her to my parents becuase i didnt really like her and planned on breaking up with her sooner or later. I used to wake up to her crying in the middle of the night about some bullshit I never cared about.
anyways, one night she must have been tired of sleeping at my paretns house and not meeting my parents, so she goes upstairs in the mniddle of the night, and puts her purse on the kitchen table. I wake up an dmy mom is like who is amanda? she ends up meeting her tha tmorning.
basically I dumped her 3 days later.[close]
I was at my friends apartment for a party and we were all drinking and shit, and there was this girl there that had been definitely dtf all night. So my friend winds up passing out on the floor in his room, so me and this girl thinking he is completely out and not waking up go in there and start fucking on his couch, and I finish off on her face and got some in her eye, but she wasn't pissed or anything, she cleaned up and went home and I went to sleep on the couch. When I woke up the next morning my homie is smiling at me and I ask whats up, all he says is "dude you got it in her fucking eye, that was epic!" and high fives me. I felt oddly disturbed by this.???
I fooled around with my ex girlfriend on some christian rock band lead singer dude's floor one time.
That's awkward enough I'd say.
you always gotta lick the penny they love that shit spit in a girls ass and theyll love you forever at least in my experiences this has been the caseExpand QuoteI just remember my tongue stumbling upon the wrong hole during a 69[close]
there is no wrong hole.
Expand QuoteI fooled around with my ex girlfriend on some christian rock band lead singer dude's floor one time.
That's awkward enough I'd say.[close]
(http://lh5.ggpht.com/_oU384Gzw8G4/R4uRswdK-PI/AAAAAAAABC8/gpMFMNilk2E/Scott%20Stapp%20(20).jpg)
"WITTTH LEEEEGGGGGGSSS SPRRREEAADD OPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN!! I WIIIIILL FUCK YOU! LAY YOU ON THIS RUG, AND HIT IT FROM THEEEE BAAAAAACKK!"
holy crap, use some punctuation for gods sake. that was annoying to read.I know sorry I was about to pass out just wanted to get it over with excuse my laziness
you?re annoying.
I guess she must have been kinda fat and lost hella weight because her skin was super droopy and she kinda lay there while i was fucking her.
You did the right thing.
Ok so this happened to me a few months ago. I met this girl off of OKC, we go to this bar and have a drink and she seems chill. Kinda Irish looking chick. We go back to her place and I show her some music for awhile and then we start making out and clothes come off yadayadayada. I guess she must have been kinda fat and lost hella weight because her skin was super droopy and she kinda lay there while i was fucking her. I guess I got her off but she was like putting no effort into it and i was getting sore after half an hour and I'm like will you give me oral? She was like "I don't like to do that" and she tries to give me a handy (she wanted me to wear the condom but I was like fuck that) with her hand upside down and twisted around in the most awkward illogical position ever. She hammers at my dick for a few minutes and I make her stop when my balls start to throb and I'm like I'll do it myself. I've done that before and its usually cool as long as the girl is at least touchin on me or something. By now the music has stopped so I'm basically jackin it while shes sitting there watching in silence. Super fucking awkward. I asked her where i should cum and she said "a condom" but I didn't want to waste another on this frigid bitch so she gave me some tissue. After a few minutes of awkward fapping I accidently on purpose blew my load all over her tits. I know that sounds like a DICK move, but she had it CUMMING! ;D My balls hurt for like a week after though. I think a chimpanzee would have figured out a proper hand job before she didYou know how long it would take to teach a monkey to jerk you off without peeling it first?
SUPER DRUNK:
This girl says "You can sleep at my house, but no hanky panky!"
10 minutes later I am attempting to have sex for about 2 hours.
Whiskey dick, so I say "Let's try in the morning."
That was the first time with that girl, pretty fucking hilarious, only time I have had whiskey dick.
GRANDPA:
One time I was having sex totally naked in the summer sun in the middle of the day with my girlfriend when my grandpa walked in the front door. Awkward. He then closed the door, walked around to the other side of the house, and knocked, pretending to have just arrived. So hilarious.
ROLLING STONE:
I also used to date this girl that was super hot, but would only have sex in the missionary position, and would remain silent and not move the whole time. It was fucked up. Had to have been a daddy problem.
HANDJOB:
One time I was getting a hand in the woods on some overgrown back trail miles from nowhere, some guy came walking down the trail, and just walked on by, it was hilarious.
MUSCLE RELAXANTS:
One time this gamey asian chick fed me some pills and tried to seduce me. It didn't work.
This chick started crying while I was fucking her...? I was laughingLike a fucking a virgin. Most overrated thing ever. All they do is laydown and cry, similar to a female with a stab wound.
A couple years ago I met this girl who was down to jam. We went back to my house and started getting down. All was normal for about the first 20 minutes then she said "Punch me." I keep going and just pretend like she didn't say it when she says again "Punch me in the face!" I ask her if she's sure, and she says "Stop being a pussy and do it!" So I punch the bitch in the face and knock her out. At this point I don't know what to do with her unconscious body, so i keep fucking her. I finish on her stomach and and then start watching Tv, while she's still laying there. She wakes up and says "I didn't mean that hard!" Whoops.
yeah.
you know how sometimes a girl is really into you but she fucks up somehow and you break things off really really bad, so she goes around trying to hate on your dick or something
yeah.Expand Quote
you know how sometimes a girl is really into you but she fucks up somehow and you break things off really really bad, so she goes around trying to hate on your dick or something[close]
i got an awk story about a homie haha. he's in college and he fucked some 13 year old high school girl. ain't gon lie she's pretty cute though..
Hahaha saucy! what happened, I saw what you wrote!
I should have added that I hung a poster over the hole and then when I moved out my dad found it and called me and I totally blamed my sister even though she never moved into my room later or anything
Don't doubt what a Juggelette will ask you to do.Expand QuoteA couple years ago I met this girl who was down to jam. We went back to my house and started getting down. All was normal for about the first 20 minutes then she said "Punch me." I keep going and just pretend like she didn't say it when she says again "Punch me in the face!" I ask her if she's sure, and she says "Stop being a pussy and do it!" So I punch the bitch in the face and knock her out. At this point I don't know what to do with her unconscious body, so i keep fucking her. I finish on her stomach and and then start watching Tv, while she's still laying there. She wakes up and says "I didn't mean that hard!" Whoops.[close]
irobot - im allergic to bullshit (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9xRhwmHBBE#)
Eiffel-Towered a chick with my best friend since preschool. He and I casually laugh about it all the time but man is it awkward when we run into the girl. She was a mutual friend, too. Now she's just "that chick."that is sleazy. if you had a little crusty mustache going at the time that would be the ultimate scum look with the shades
Bonus points: I was wearing these sunglasses the entire time, both because I was hammered and because it upped the sleaziness tenfold.
(http://www.esunnies.com.au/images/products/UNS/glasses/porsche/sun/pics/p8480.jpg)
yeah.Expand Quote
you know how sometimes a girl is really into you but she fucks up somehow and you break things off really really bad, so she goes around trying to hate on your dick or something[close]
i got an awk story about a homie haha. he's in college and he fucked some 13 year old high school girl. ain't gon lie she's pretty cute though..
I'm weird and do weird things, but its alright cause when your peter peckers out you do weird things. I used to try to stick my push pop in my girlfriends back door when we'd spoon position. I'd try but I think there's a layer, well like there's the buttcheeks you can go into, but then you get to a safe, the safe is the butthole. And it locks up. So its like you dissappear a little, but the cheeks are just covering but then... I tried a lot. I think at first we would just make whoopie goldberg, but then it was like mission try butt first. Well once she had a stomach ache, but a man on a mission needs to fulfill the mission at any costs, so I starting poking and trying to say hi but it wasnt going... i'm not sure if i got it in but then at one point we stopped and i think she noticed... there were a couple brown smackeroonis on the couch... she was reallllly embarassed and ran to the bathroom. She grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned it up and like we smelled it cause we were doubting it was poop. I had been eating chocolate chip cookies and we thought maybe it was some chocolate but she was like i knew i shouldnt have my stomach and she was kinda mad but like we cleaned it up and I think two seconds later I forgot and had a boner...trying too hard. be yourself
I have no idea what I just read but please stick around.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteHahaha saucy!? what happened, I saw what you wrote!
I should have added that I hung a poster over the hole and then when I moved out my dad found it and called me and I totally blamed my sister even though she never moved into my room later or anything[close]
I wrote,
"LUKE PUT A BITCH'S HEAD THROUGH THE WALL WHILE HE FUCKED HER! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
But I was really high, and thought, "Hmm, I don't want to call anyone Luke's copulated with a "bitch." I'm sure he has good taste, I'll delete that." Paranoia shit.[close]
Oh, I definitely have more than my fair share of "bad decisions".... The one and only one night stand I have ever had ended up with her asleep and me lying paranoid in bed that if I fell asleep, I would wake up and she would have robbed me. She may or may not have been....... a carnie. Oh my god, I actually said it!
Nah, I was amused.Quote from: Mark ? link=topic=42479.msg1420895#msg1420895 date=1302150766trying too hard. be yourselfExpand QuoteI'm weird and do weird things, but its alright cause when your peter peckers out you do weird things. I used to try to stick my push pop in my girlfriends back door when we'd spoon position. I'd try but I think there's a layer, well like there's the buttcheeks you can go into, but then you get to a safe, the safe is the butthole. And it locks up. So its like you dissappear a little, but the cheeks are just covering but then... I tried a lot. I think at first we would just make whoopie goldberg, but then it was like mission try butt first. Well once she had a stomach ache, but a man on a mission needs to fulfill the mission at any costs, so I starting poking and trying to say hi but it wasnt going... i'm not sure if i got it in but then at one point we stopped and i think she noticed... there were a couple brown smackeroonis on the couch... she was reallllly embarassed and ran to the bathroom. She grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned it up and like we smelled it cause we were doubting it was poop. I had been eating chocolate chip cookies and we thought maybe it was some chocolate but she was like i knew i shouldnt have my stomach and she was kinda mad but like we cleaned it up and I think two seconds later I forgot and had a boner...[close]
Damn dude.? WTF does it take to get a fucking HBO series about you and Rawb in one house?
I immediately cast Michael Cera as sultsult and The Shermanator as Rawb. The show will be called "Threesome on Fingerblast Mountain"hahahahahaha these two are so fitting. Let's get to work on the pilot
It would definitely fill in the lack of original video content between OIAMs. How close do Rawb and Sultsult live? and does one of them need a roommate?hahahahahaha these two are so fitting. Let's get to work on the pilotExpand QuoteI immediately cast Michael Cera as sultsult and The Shermanator as Rawb. The show will be called "Threesome on Fingerblast Mountain"[close]
do you have pictures of her in sailor moon outfit
had a girl at a party ask if she could watch me and my gf. i thought this was code for "i wanna have a three way" so i'm hyped. basically she just sat in the backseat of my car watching my ex girlfriend blow me. you'd think this would be cool but it was pretty strange.
had a time where i was walking home from a party my freshman year. while walking home i'm passing by this sorority and infront of the living room window there's a chick on her knees with a dude whacking his dick against her face while a ton of people are surrounding the room cheering. like something out of a website.
i've woken up next to multiple people boning and i always run for it. i don't want anything sprayed on me.
do you have pictures of her in sailor moon outfit
illiterate and can fly? looks like a catch to me!Expand Quotedo you have pictures of her in sailor moon outfit[close]
No, but she has a few dozen of the most regular pictures of her in her underwear posted on facebook.
(http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d191/dynamite47/skibatarded.jpg)
Expand Quotedo you have pictures of her in sailor moon outfit[close]
No, but she has a few dozen of the most regular pictures of her in her underwear posted on facebook.
(http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d191/dynamite47/skibatarded.jpg)
does she even have a schedule?I thought you were dead.
if she attended columbine in 1999 i am the reason for her failing that grade.
When I realized Sexy Alf was sexy
Expand Quotedo you have pictures of her in sailor moon outfit[close]
No, but she has a few dozen of the most regular pictures of her in her underwear posted on facebook.
(http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d191/dynamite47/skibatarded.jpg)
Expand QuoteExpand Quotedo you have pictures of her in sailor moon outfit[close]
No, but she has a few dozen of the most regular pictures of her in her underwear posted on facebook.
(http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d191/dynamite47/skibatarded.jpg)[close]
HAHAHAHAH holy shit what the fuck is going on in this picture? Post More!
Me and my longtime woman get drunk and end up 69 rimming each other, it wasn't awkward for me, but she doesn't like talking about it ever.
Post it. Oh yeah, whats her name? Im adding this bitch
Bitch please. Im gonna brand that hoe ;)Doogie Howser Opening (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrERtikdPus#)
Doogie Howser Opening (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrERtikdPus#)Expand QuoteBitch please. Im gonna brand that hoe ;)[close]
This story came from when I was in Bali last summer with my Dad, his girlfriend, and my good friend. The trip was about 2 and 1/2 weeks in total, and we went as a surfing vacation trip. Now, after a few nights of just chilling and drinking some delicious bintang (seriously, one of my favorite beers to date), my good friend and I decide to go out and see what we could get into at the clubs.
Now, for those who dont' know, Bali is really fucking far from America, after about 20+ hours worth of traveling, we finally got there. So, it's not usually americans who are in Bali, but Australians.
So we eventually go out and start clubbing at this place called Paddy's and there are literally Australians everywhere. Everything is dirt cheap there so I'm buying beers like it's going out of style. Get pretty tipsy and start dancing with this Aussie chick for a while. Eventually after dancing for a few she asks me to come outside with her. So i go outside and she is talking to her friend about going back to her hotel. I'm just standing there pretty damn drunk at this point thinking it's a waste of time to stay any longer, when, all of a sudden she asks me to come back with her.
I'd like to note that I also had just turned 18 when I landed in Bali, and after asking this chick, she said she was 24 (which she didn't look like at all). I make the mistake of telling her i'm 18 once we get back to the hotel and she isn't down for it at all. So, we just go to the bar and chat and drink more. An hour or two goes by and we're both absolutely hammered stumbling around this hotel. Eventually she gives in and she takes me back to her room. The only problem is that her roommate invited 3 other people to crash there so we're SOL. In my inebiated state i Just say fuck it and take her down to the common area of the hotel (which is all outdoors). So I start fucking the shit out of her all around the pool area and eventually end up on a cabana railing her doggystyle.
Out of the corner of my eye i see this creepy ass guy in the bathroom through the bushes watching us . I tell the girl but she's too drunk to give a fuck so i continue to rail her for a while. Although we eventually moved and the sex went on until dawn and I remember finishing under a stair well.
I go to get a ride back on a motor-bike from some guy at the hotel and he charges me a shit storm because he knows we were fucking. So i'm riding this bike home with the guy who saw us fucking poolside and it was probably the most weird experience ever...
please tell me that it was called paddys pub and was owned by 3 guys, 1 girl and a fat little old dude.
The 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:
The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as f**k. I used to w**k obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"
The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!
The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'f**k off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to w**k over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a tw*t.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and f**k me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"f**k yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I
So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the f**k up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh s**t you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'
By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and f**ked off.
So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his **** through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my dick feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the f**k was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started
Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, f**k it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.
I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"f**k off"
"What?"
"f**k - off"
"f**k yeahhhh"
"No - f**k off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'f**k MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs ****. It was f**king huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster dick. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the f**k am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby dick and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but f**k me!! This ugly, f**king fat person looking idiot, is swinging a giant **** about.
Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster ****. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a **** my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.
"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant **** killed the moment for me.
Now - you think everyone f**ks like you. You base your basic 'f**k technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH s**t yeah - oh yeah.
Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo s**t. Curse my button mushroom-like ****. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started f**king - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy f**k. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster ****, f**king my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic **** - he does noises!'
After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it, hanging there like a grey flesh yo-yo.
So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die.
Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - f**k me - gimmie that corn"
I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck my whole hand in her c**t and flipped a coin!!
How the hell am I going to follow that??
So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore whats going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to f**k her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips......................... Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didnt even see her get up!!
She then started to blow my tiny baby **** - and that took my mind off it. Infact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride, as I was now sporting just under 5 inches of solid ****. It might not have been a giant like Bulldog's but you could have prized open a steel door with it.
So, Ashly bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am f**king.
I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
'Bang'
something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the f**k was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.
Bulldog turns around. His **** looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
"Bulldog - what the f**k??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
"Make shift **** ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his **** presented with a big shoe lace bow at the bottom. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin.
How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...
So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes f**king nuts.
f**king like a psycho, angry f**king, grunting and shouting.
"Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a tw*t
Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
"Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
"Bulldog"
"GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
"BULLDOG"
He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy f**ked up pirate. All red n sweatty with glowing white scars. It spooked the f**k out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl
"EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up
'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out.
'What?' said Ashley.
Me - feeling an even bigger tw*t "Oh...nothing"
So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob.
I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, f**k this, you are both f**kin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
With that Ashley flopped the giant **** from her mouth. It looked like she had been drinking mayonaise, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! f**k THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest ***** fart I have ever heard 'Phhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrflp' I am sure it splashed my face.
Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!
Never again.
So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, f**k this, you are both f**kin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
Seeing as this is Slap I expect the vast majority of you don't have the attention span to read this, but it's probably one of the funniest things I've ever read on the Internet...QuoteExpand QuoteThe 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:
The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as f**k. I used to w**k obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"
The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!
The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'f**k off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to w**k over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a tw*t.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and f**k me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"f**k yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I
So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the f**k up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh s**t you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'
By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and f**ked off.
So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his **** through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my dick feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the f**k was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started
Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, f**k it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.
I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"f**k off"
"What?"
"f**k - off"
"f**k yeahhhh"
"No - f**k off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'f**k MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs ****. It was f**king huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster dick. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the f**k am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby dick and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but f**k me!! This ugly, f**king fat person looking idiot, is swinging a giant **** about.
Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster ****. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a **** my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.
"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant **** killed the moment for me.
Now - you think everyone f**ks like you. You base your basic 'f**k technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH s**t yeah - oh yeah.
Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo s**t. Curse my button mushroom-like ****. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started f**king - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy f**k. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster ****, f**king my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic **** - he does noises!'
After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it, hanging there like a grey flesh yo-yo.
So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die.
Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - f**k me - gimmie that corn"
I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck my whole hand in her c**t and flipped a coin!!
How the hell am I going to follow that??
So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore whats going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to f**k her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips......................... Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didnt even see her get up!!
She then started to blow my tiny baby **** - and that took my mind off it. Infact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride, as I was now sporting just under 5 inches of solid ****. It might not have been a giant like Bulldog's but you could have prized open a steel door with it.
So, Ashly bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am f**king.
I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
'Bang'
something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the f**k was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.
Bulldog turns around. His **** looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
"Bulldog - what the f**k??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
"Make shift **** ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his **** presented with a big shoe lace bow at the bottom. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin.
How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...
So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes f**king nuts.
f**king like a psycho, angry f**king, grunting and shouting.
"Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a tw*t
Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
"Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
"Bulldog"
"GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
"BULLDOG"
He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy f**ked up pirate. All red n sweatty with glowing white scars. It spooked the f**k out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl
"EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up
'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out.
'What?' said Ashley.
Me - feeling an even bigger tw*t "Oh...nothing"
So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob.
I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, f**k this, you are both f**kin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
With that Ashley flopped the giant **** from her mouth. It looked like she had been drinking mayonaise, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! f**k THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest ***** fart I have ever heard 'Phhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrflp' I am sure it splashed my face.
Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!
Never again.[close]
wait, you fucked her while sitting in a wheelchair?
Expand Quotewait, you fucked her while sitting in a wheelchair?[close]
yeah man
problem?
yes her step mom was bangin, but i'm not a complete barbarian,i was just trying to make a good impression. regardless i still got punched in the face in the stairwell and shunned by she and her friends later at the party atop said stairs. dolo at the party i went into the kitchen and grabbed some crepes they were making (yum) and a beer from the tap. i have no problem just getting back to the basics when the nonsensical is just too too manifest. and nothing like a female getting violent on you for having conversation with her visiting step mom at dinner, to put one in the mood to be lone wolfin it. so that's what i was doing. in one room they were playing a wii, and in the main room (where psycho and co had posted up) they were dancing a little and drawing on some canvas on the wall (nothing heavy was drawn that day). i went back into the kitchen to cop another crepe, this one was more dessert-like...
bull dog is indeed the man
okay guys heres how it went,june 7th 2011 and i had gone to my main hook up chicks house for my final swim all summer .....move forward about 2 hours and her parents kick us outta the basement so they can fuck. she rolls me out onto her back porch after some heavy petting my dicks on hard andshe pulls it out, realizing that if someone walks out they would easeily see my dick she again wheelchairs me to the back of her pool perfect privacy,mind you my dick is still hanging out this entire time, we make some more and im finger blasting this girl pretty good shes super wet and says she thinks its about time we fuck, so i pull her pants all the way down and look at her thinkin how crazy this whole situation is. i finally slide it in raw dog and we fucked for about ten minutes untill we here her mom come outside. i didnt come this night but i still consider it my first time and i also deflowered a girl rawdog so im hyped
so there ya go
bull dog is indeed the man
okay guys heres how it went,june 7th 2011 and i had gone to my main hook up chicks house for my final swim all summer .....move forward about 2 hours and her parents kick us outta the basement so they can fuck. she rolls me out onto her back porch after some heavy petting my dicks on hard andshe pulls it out, realizing that if someone walks out they would easeily see my dick she again wheelchairs me to the back of her pool perfect privacy,mind you my dick is still hanging out this entire time, we make some more and im finger blasting this girl pretty good shes super wet and says she thinks its about time we fuck, so i pull her pants all the way down and look at her thinkin how crazy this whole situation is. i finally slide it in raw dog and we fucked for about ten minutes untill we here her mom come outside. i didnt come this night but i still consider it my first time and i also deflowered a girl rawdog so im hyped
so there ya go
yes her step mom was bangin, but i'm not a complete barbarian,i was just trying to make a good impression. regardless i still got punched in the face in the stairwell and shunned by she and her friends later at the party atop said stairs. dolo at the party i went into the kitchen and grabbed some crepes they were making (yum) and a beer from the tap. i have no problem just getting back to the basics when the nonsensical is just too too manifest. and nothing like a female getting violent on you for having conversation with her visiting step mom at dinner, to put one in the mood to be lone wolfin it. so that's what i was doing. in one room they were playing a wii, and in the main room (where psycho and co had posted up) they were dancing a little and drawing on some canvas on the wall (nothing heavy was drawn that day). i went back into the kitchen to cop another crepe, this one was more dessert-like...
Expand Quotewait, you fucked her while sitting in a wheelchair?[close]
yeah man
problem?
Expand QuoteExpand Quotewait, you fucked her while sitting in a wheelchair?[close]
yeah man
problem?[close]
pretty much the opposite! congrats.
Expand Quoteyes her step mom was bangin, but i'm not a complete barbarian,i was just trying to make a good impression. regardless i still got punched in the face in the stairwell and shunned by she and her friends later at the party atop said stairs. dolo at the party i went into the kitchen and grabbed some crepes they were making (yum) and a beer from the tap. i have no problem just getting back to the basics when the nonsensical is just too too manifest. and nothing like a female getting violent on you for having conversation with her visiting step mom at dinner, to put one in the mood to be lone wolfin it. so that's what i was doing. in one room they were playing a wii, and in the main room (where psycho and co had posted up) they were dancing a little and drawing on some canvas on the wall (nothing heavy was drawn that day). i went back into the kitchen to cop another crepe, this one was more dessert-like...[close]
This sounds interesting, but I', strapped for a clue as to what the fuck is actually going on in here.
him breaking his leg:I literally yelled "Fuck!" when I saw your leg bend. fuck that.
me breaking my leg. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axuQ6PVFUOY&feature=channel_video_title#)
stopped reading right hereI literally yelled "Fuck!" when I saw your leg bend. fuck that.Expand Quotehim breaking his leg:
me breaking my leg. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axuQ6PVFUOY&feature=channel_video_title#)[close]
I've been talking to this girl I dated when I was 16 (no she's not a juggalette,) and she's been talking about how she needs a secret fuck buddy. Not one to pass up an opportunity to feel ashamed of myself, I told her I could come over after babysitting my nephews. I drive over to her house and we watch BET for a little bit then I go to her room and lay down on the bed. We start talking about people that we've fucked and she mentions that she's fucked like 2 guys in the past few days. she gets pretty detailed and I start to regret coming over but I'm already there so I might as well go through with it. We start making out and she takes off her pants and says "Is this weird that we're just now fucking and we've known each other for so long?" I tell her it's not and she says that I have to wear a condom (which is cool with me because she's a skank.) The only problem is is that I've never worn a condom in my life. So I tell her to put it on because I'm not really sure how to. She puts it on the head and tells me to do the rest. I do and we start fucking. While we're fucking she says "Oh you're so much better than Dillan," which is a friend of mine she fucked right after we broke up. I ignore it and keep going and she starts to sing "This Place is a Prison," by The Postal Service (It was our song whenever we were dating.) At this point it's kind of hard to focus because she's being so weird. After like 20 minutes her Mom comes home and we have to hurriedly stop. After we put our clothes back on her Mom asks "Oh I'm so glad it's Noah! I thought it would be one of? your ugly boyfriends. I hope you wore a condom." I tried to play cool and said I had to go home and just walked out. She texted me and said "We should do that again ;)" I never replied. Second worst sex I've ever had.?
not really awkward, well for me anyways...
in 07 i was kicking around NC, just skating and partying under the pretense of trying to figure my life out and look at UNCG. Never happened....
I had been sleeping in my car for a while but through skating, music, bars, and good fortune i was graced with the kindness of the South and offered many places to stay after only a few weeks of kicking it around in one particular city.
The cat who offered me a place to stay was also a Mass transplant and had said that if i washed dishes and mopped the kitchen I could eat, drink, and sleep at his place- no way was i turning this down. His roommate was a shitbag from Jersey City. However, his roommates girlfriend was a great looking "goth" chick. Now, this style of female isn't generally my thing, but a hot slut is a hot slut- Snookie or Morticia Addams....
So as a week or so passes the roommate, Ray, starts to grate my nerves more and more. This leads to me ignoring his presence in his own home and hanging out with his goth girlfriend more and more.
Eventually, well very much with the quickness, we start fucking, Amy and I, that is. Ray would go to his shitty dishwashing job and she would pick me up, buy me lunch, smokes, brews, and drive me to her parents house. We would smoke some buds, maybe she would give me a foot massage with lotion, and a blow job before feeding me dinner and fucking me. She would then drive me to the bar where her dude washed dishes and buy me drinks. things were kosher, Ray seemed to like that i kept her out of trouble.
Well, one day we drive out to Asheville to spend some of her money. It was a cold and shitty day. I was broke and aggrevated. Whilst driving home, down some winding mountain roads, Amy starting sucking my cock. It was great, as road head from a girl with 2 tongue piercings is bound to be. Well, i bust my nut shortly before we pull off the highway. She suggests that we go to the bar where Ray was washing dishes, Las Palmas.
We walk into the bar and Ray is sitting there eating dinner. We approach him and extend greetings. First he thanks me for taking her shopping for the day and tells me to order dinner, on him. I naturally ordered a steak, taters, and PBR. He buys me a tequilla shot.
Amy then leans into him and slaps him with a full on 30 second make out, about 15 minutes after gargling with my jizz.
Kinda felt a little awkward.
Amy has a sister too....
Not one to pass up an opportunity to feel ashamed of myself
Good for you Justis. Is it illegal or just unethical if some older dude watches some young kids fuck? I don't wanna do it but I'm just curious.
Got drunk with this girl I've been seeing. Start boning and it's cool and she asks me to choke her. This is new to me but I went with it just pressing my hand on her throat. Wasn't doing much for me and it was hard to balance so after a minute I put my hand back on the bed. Then she starts thrashing around and pushing me away so I stop but she tells me to keep going. Now I feel like I'm wrangling a crocodile and realize I'm play-raping this girl. It was messing with my focus but I was too drunk to be fully weirded out. She must have tired herself out because after a while it went back to non-rapey sex. She was really stoked on it the next day. I woke up feeling really fucking weird because now I know what it looks like to rape someone... Not into it.
Got drunk with this girl I've been seeing. Start boning and it's cool and she asks me to choke her. This is new to me but I went with it just pressing my hand on her throat. Wasn't doing much for me and it was hard to balance so after a minute I put my hand back on the bed. Then she starts thrashing around and pushing me away so I stop but she tells me to keep going. Now I feel like I'm wrangling a crocodile and realize I'm play-raping this girl. It was messing with my focus but I was too drunk to be fully weirded out. She must have tired herself out because after a while it went back to non-rapey sex. She was really stoked on it the next day. I woke up feeling really fucking weird because now I know what it looks like to rape someone... Not into it.
..
AHHAHAHHAHA SWAGExpand Quotewait, you fucked her while sitting in a wheelchair?[close]
yeah man
problem?
Expand QuoteGot drunk with this girl I've been seeing. Start boning and it's cool and she asks me to choke her. This is new to me but I went with it just pressing my hand on her throat. Wasn't doing much for me and it was hard to balance so after a minute I put my hand back on the bed. Then she starts thrashing around and pushing me away so I stop but she tells me to keep going. Now I feel like I'm wrangling a crocodile and realize I'm play-raping this girl. It was messing with my focus but I was too drunk to be fully weirded out. She must have tired herself out because after a while it went back to non-rapey sex. She was really stoked on it the next day. I woke up feeling really fucking weird because now I know what it looks like to rape someone... Not into it.[close]
some choking is usually a good fucking time, man!
the last time i choked a girl she told me to stop saying "i'm not into that" and proceeded to let me face fuck her shortly there after....
one night an ex and i gobbled some percs and had drinks. we were fucked up beyond belief. we had actually gone to dinner with my parents earlier in the evening. anyways, seeing as we were ravaged we ended up having really good sex. i was going on and on calling her a "dirty little whore" and "fucking slut" when she asked me hit her. mind you, i was hitting the poon from behind with a hand pulling back her head. So, i gave a weak slap to the cheek. she started fucking me harder, i mean considerably harder. she yells for me to smack her again; which i did. anyways, to make a long story short, we passed out after a few hours of violent fucking.
the next morning her mom asked if she was wasted and fell down the stairs. she had a brutal shiner... giving a girlfriend a voluntary black eye is awkward.
+1 for sexualhelon.
damn that was a story.
GISM, you need to man up and learn how to properly choke a bitch.
Expand Quote+1 for sexualhelon.
damn that was a story.
GISM, you need to man up and learn how to properly choke a bitch.[close]
There's a funny sketch by a female comedian about guy's choking her during sex, but I can't remember her name. Damn...
Could you please sum it up for the rest of us. NO SECRETS HERE GISM!!!!Expand Quote..[close]
i read your original post before you removed it.
i ain't dumb.
i caught chu!
Long story short, i scorched an Indian girls vagina with my penis of fire.
This experience is fresh, as in it happened an hour ago. This is all true.(http://noob.hu/2010/05/23/trollface1.jpg)
I went over to my ex girlfriend's house so we could hang out. I wasn't expecting to do anything because I just wasn't feeling it today. Well she opens the door naked and welcomes me in. We go to her room and says she's ready. I say I'm not really diggin it today and that we can just do it tomorrow or something. She gets mad and we just hangout for a bit. Well if there's a naked girl next to you eventually you're going to start getting a boner. So I say "I'm ready for Sex!" and we go at it. 20 minutes in she's like "I want to try something," and gets on top of me and shoves my dick in her ass. This is only the second time I've put it in her butt so I'm still slightly weary of the possibility of shit on my dick. It's going better than expected when she says "I think my ass is leaking." I tell her to get off and check it and it's just blood all over. She starts crying and thinks that she's going to need stitches on her asshole and keeps saying that her mother is never going to forgive her. I walk out of the room to wash the blood off my dingaling. After thoroughly scrubbing I walk back in the room and she's still crying. As i walk towards her I step in something. Without even looking down I already knew what it was. She shit herself. She apologizes and tells me not to tell anyone and I promised I wouldn't. I go back to the bathroom and wash my feet off. By this point she has her clothes back on and is just sitting there. She gets ready for work and I take her and she texts me and says "Let's never do that again."
Hey Jimi, at least she doesn't shit while giving a blow job"That's what I do when I puke." She always shits and pukes? Once when I was getting a BJ the girl choked and accidentally pissed all over my legs.
http://efukt.com/20899_Unexpected_Cumshot_Ends_Hilariously_Bad.html (http://efukt.com/20899_Unexpected_Cumshot_Ends_Hilariously_Bad.html)
Big lips, tiny hands = gloryland.
The pig roast.Ive never heard that term,Im assuming its the same as the eiffel tower?
Ive never heard that term,Im assuming its the same as the eiffel tower?Expand QuoteThe pig roast.[close]
just got hernia surgery. but in the few weeks leading up to the surgery, there were a few instances of bringing girls home, and when the clothes come off they go "the fuck is that?!?!?"
by the way, the hernia was right by my junk.
what concerned me more was the girl who didn't say jack shit, as if she were used to this kind of thing.
just got hernia surgery. but in the few weeks leading up to the surgery, there were a few instances of bringing girls home, and when the clothes come off they go "the fuck is that?!?!?"
by the way, the hernia was right by my junk.
what concerned me more was the girl who didn't say jack shit, as if she were used to this kind of thing.
Expand Quotejust got hernia surgery. but in the few weeks leading up to the surgery, there were a few instances of bringing girls home, and when the clothes come off they go "the fuck is that?!?!?"
by the way, the hernia was right by my junk.
what concerned me more was the girl who didn't say jack shit, as if she were used to this kind of thing.[close]
I was unaware that one is allowed to have sex with a hernia.
Expand QuoteExpand Quotejust got hernia surgery. but in the few weeks leading up to the surgery, there were a few instances of bringing girls home, and when the clothes come off they go "the fuck is that?!?!?"
by the way, the hernia was right by my junk.
what concerned me more was the girl who didn't say jack shit, as if she were used to this kind of thing.[close]
I was unaware that one is allowed to have sex with a hernia.[close]
fuck the police
Expand QuoteIve never heard that term,Im assuming its the same as the eiffel tower?Expand QuoteThe pig roast.[close][close]
(http://www.seriouseats.com/images/20100622-pig-roast-03.2.jpg)
Pretty much.
This chick started crying while I was fucking her... I was laughing
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quotejust got hernia surgery. but in the few weeks leading up to the surgery, there were a few instances of bringing girls home, and when the clothes come off they go "the fuck is that?!?!?"
by the way, the hernia was right by my junk.
what concerned me more was the girl who didn't say jack shit, as if she were used to this kind of thing.[close]
I was unaware that one is allowed to have sex with a hernia.[close]
fuck the police[close]
+1
i was at my ex's looking for a quick fuck and she said her mom wouldn't be home for at least an hour so i hurried over all said and done right when i busted on her tits i got up to get a tissue for her and her dad busted in the door. luckily she had a bathroom that connected to a tv room i ran in sprinted out of the house naked got in my car and drove home. so stoked on it being night time so no one saw me going in my house naked
i was at my ex's looking for a quick fuck and she said her mom wouldn't be home for at least an hour so i hurried over all said and done right when i busted on her tits i got up to get a tissue for her and her dad busted in the door. luckily she had a bathroom that connected to a tv room i ran in sprinted out of the house naked got in my car and drove home. so stoked on it being night time so no one saw me going in my house nakedIf you ran out to your car naked, you must have keestered your keys?
Called a girl the wrong name one time. I was super apologetic... I probably should have just not made a big deal about it and been like "whoops."
I could have sworn he was missing a couple of teeth.sure she wasn't a guy?
sure she wasn't a guy?Expand QuoteI could have sworn he was missing a couple of teeth.[close]
I'll write up night 2/6 tomorrow. Sorry for the length again...please don't.
Cool, thanks Tucker Max.
Boned my friends sister once.You scoundrel!
She was 4 years older so I thought I was fucking King Shit.Indeed! Go on!
Came to find out she was bat shit crazy and a part time stripper.AWESOME
I got over it
I also have no idea what he's saying most of the time. I don't know what getting "tossed off" means specifically.
You've seriously never heard a queef before? Your style of writing would be better if your experiences matched it, but the style only fits a douchebag-funny level and you're not quite there. I also had no idea what you were saying in your first story, but I think that's more British lingo/slang I'm just a novice to. Either way, what's happened to you has been funny, and I hope your 3rd encounter is the coup de gras.
When you pump air in to a girl's vagina with your limp little whiskey dick, the air has to come out somewhere. So basically, you caused it, not her, and it's nothing for anyone to feel ashamed about.
It's like sticking your dick in someones ass and being all disgusted when it comes out brown.
Oh, and I didn't mean this as disrespect towards your stories, please, do go on.
hahah man I havent logged into this website in a long time.....I clicked on this thread first and was fuckin laughing at every story!! you guys are killin it hayou can piss when you're hard? I thought that was impossible.
a few years ago i was with my girl (ex girl now!!!) and we went back to her place to fuck around....anyway we got inside and went straight to her room, the whole time i had to piss so bad i felt like my dick was going to explode. so we are on the bed and pretty much getting it on....my dick is like rigid firm cuz i have to piss so bad....and shes just riding on top of me. i turn her over to hit from the back and i was pounding her and shit but still had to piss hella bad so here where it gets kinda fucked up ha ha . i fuckin started to piss while im inside of her and she JUMPS off my dick fast and my hard dick is just spraying piss EVERY WHERE!! we were both wasted but needless to say we were both feelin awkward in the morning haha
you can piss when you're hard? I thought that was impossible.Expand Quotehahah man I havent logged into this website in a long time.....I clicked on this thread first and was fuckin laughing at every story!! you guys are killin it ha
a few years ago i was with my girl (ex girl now!!!) and we went back to her place to fuck around....anyway we got inside and went straight to her room, the whole time i had to piss so bad i felt like my dick was going to explode. so we are on the bed and pretty much getting it on....my dick is like rigid firm cuz i have to piss so bad....and shes just riding on top of me. i turn her over to hit from the back and i was pounding her and shit but still had to piss hella bad so here where it gets kinda fucked up ha ha . i fuckin started to piss while im inside of her and she JUMPS off my dick fast and my hard dick is just spraying piss EVERY WHERE!! we were both wasted but needless to say we were both feelin awkward in the morning haha[close]
Pissing with a boner is your first challenge of the day. If you can work that situation out comfortably, you're on you way to having a swell morning.
Expand QuotePissing with a boner is your first challenge of the day. If you can work that situation out comfortably, you're on you way to having a swell morning.[close]
piss in the shower, problem avoided
i also prefer to pee outside. its quite primal
yeah queefs happen. just don't laugh when it does. if the queef didn't kill the mood, the laughter will.
Expand Quoteyeah queefs happen. just don't laugh when it does. if the queef didn't kill the mood, the laughter will.[close]
haha wise words man, but sometimes if you both laugh about it, it lightens the mood.
Expand QuoteExpand Quoteyeah queefs happen. just don't laugh when it does. if the queef didn't kill the mood, the laughter will.[close]
haha wise words man, but sometimes if you both laugh about it, it lightens the mood.[close]
so true. i've realized it's allright to smile though. you can't really be dead serious when having sex
post the titssall i still got on the phone
fucking gnar that man, right now, because I canti will. ahah this week's gonna be fun
Sounds like she might have been looking for you to be her baby daddy dude. Good for you for keeping it wrapped.and you're spot on haha
fucking picture is gone. i demand (yes, demand!) a reup.this is the bitch with giant tits
Bumped into an ex gf, who's a huge slut now, while skating the other night and she suggested we hook up. Said fuck it, cause she has some double d tits, and we meet up today. We go to the cuts to fuck; the top of some stairwell or some shit. We're chillin and decide to rollplay. She was a schoolgirl and I was a tutor. Schooled that bitch. But either way we start making out and I'm fingering her. She's feeling it and, demanding head as extra credit, I whip my dick out. She said she would show me the g spot on guys and started sucking the tip. After a hot minute of that I went for the pussy. Remembering her newly attained slut status, I bust out a condom and swipe that bitch on like a ninja. She starts tripping about it saying she didn't wanna fuck with a condom. I shake my head in disgust and hold her arms down and run that bitch. I'm pretty sure she got off on it as a fantasy of hers or some shit. A few hours later she texted me and told me she was pregnant. It isn't mine though.
Now wait until she gets some milk in there and unleash them.That would be the business! I'll try and ipod cam it if it goes down ahah
Is it that freaky to cum over a chick? I usually do it with mah girl, cause I've got a hard time bustin with a condom, it just doesn't feel as good by far as rawdoggin it. I should take a std test or whatever, but here in Ukraine they still have the old school way of testing (meaning; they stick a stick in your dick). I'm totally against sticking things into my dick, so I won't have it.
Actually something like that happened to me a little while ago, I had just come over her back, and thought it'd be nice to give her some extra finger action.....when I realized I still had goo-y stuff on my hands....whoops. But she just had her period so I suppose everythings cool.
not really a sexual experience, but when i was camping this summer, one night i was feeling a bit restless, so decided, to my unwavering shame, to head to the toilet block to... 'get to know myself better'. Anyway, there I was, sat on a dirty toilet seat, in an empty, boxed cubicle, jerking it, already feeling degraded, and with a roof window reflecting my fervent wrist-work back to my ashamed eyes - when after a few minutes of spanking it to no avail (hey im only human), the fucking toilet block lights all turned off, darkness, like properly black darkness, was my new environment. Now i faced a pretty tough decision; do i degrade myself by unlocking the cubicle, john wayne walking it to the light switch, to re-illuminate my wank-nest, and risk losing my preciously earnt boner.... or do i degrade myself by remaing here in blindness, to try to finish myself off into an invisible tissue? Well the latter possibility proved most simple, and so I was blindly jerking it there for about 5 minutes, full aware of the utter patheticness of my situation, and to a certain extent, my life, hoping, hoping all the while that i'd be able to hit the tissue target when my cannon fired its rocket. In the end my johnson did reach its tissue friend, but the sad thing is, that I buckled my belt, and left the block feeling accomplished for having overcome this summit , when in reality all my sad, awkward endeavour amounted to was lonely desire lust being satisfied in the literal, and moral, darkness of an effective shit-deposit factory. oh well....
So far my experience is that fat chicks/less attractive chicks really are better at it; such a shame.Because they have to be better at it than the prettier beasts in the heard. Unfortunate, but true my friend.
Because they have to be better at it than the prettier beasts in the heard. Unfortunate, but true my friend.Expand QuoteSo far my experience is that fat chicks/less attractive chicks really are better at it; such a shame.[close]
Expand QuoteBecause they have to be better at it than the prettier beasts in the heard. Unfortunate, but true my friend.Expand QuoteSo far my experience is that fat chicks/less attractive chicks really are better at it; such a shame.[close][close]
Yes...I'm pretty sure this is a Universal Truth. The prettiest girls never have to work to get a guy. We flock to them and they take their pick.
I molested a girl when I was 9, let's just leave it at that/thread
I molested a girl when I was 9, let's just leave it at that
pretty funny cause i still have the picture on my computer that my friend is fingering her with a big smile and a thumbs-up straight-out-of-the-pussy
Expand Quotepretty funny cause i still have the picture on my computer that my friend is fingering her with a big smile and a thumbs-up straight-out-of-the-pussy[close]
What are you waiting for then?
and I just read the whole thread and love all the stories so please keep em coming
After a night of partying, my friend and I went to get food. This is around finals week and I started making small talk with a girl who was behind me in line. After both of our transactions, I drunk ran after and we talked for about a minute about random stuff like living situations and finals. After this conversation, I commented on her dimples then headed back towards my friend. A week later she wrote a missed connection about me on craigslist. Emails have been passed back and forth and I now have a number.
To be continued after winter break
Expand QuoteI molested a girl when I was 9, let's just leave it at that[close]
i'm guilty of this, but I was a bit younger.
So this happened some time ago, when I had been together with a girl for a few years and she is currently my ex, but still a good friend. I have promised her not to tell anyone until when she is getting married, but I never said anything about not posting it on slap. Here goes:
For some reason, she was out drinking and I was at home, since I had work in the morning. She had been calling and texting me all night asking if she could sleep over etc., and I just said no. Around midnight I texted her saying that I was going to sleep now, and that I'd call her in the morning.
A few hours later, I wake up because of some noises outside my window, and I realize that someone was crying pretty loud. So I look out of my window, and see my drunken girlfriend trying to climb the wooden fence. I tell her to meet me at the door and she has no clue about where the door is (except that she had been there a billion times before), so I walk out and get her. Her phone was out of power but she had decided to sleep at my house anyway.
Since she was horny as hell, we started having sex, the awkward type when you are sober and she is shitfaced. It ends with me doing her from behind, and finish up, and we both go straight to sleep after that.
So at 5am, I wake up with her moaning and groaning, and shaking, at first I was thinking she had a seizure or something, but then she started to piss. In my bed. I woke her up and sent her to the bathroom to finish her pissing there, while I rip off the sheets and mattress cover which was all soaked in piss and throw them in the washing machine and hose the mattress down.. Did I mention that this was nasty cumsoaked piss? Yea...
I put on some new sheets, and we go to sleep. The next day I drive her home before I go to work. After work I ate at her place and told her the story, since she had no memory of it. I've never seen anyone be that ashamed before.
I'll be sure to use that excuse next time when I mistake my friend closet for the bathroomExpand QuoteSo this happened some time ago, when I had been together with a girl for a few years and she is currently my ex, but still a good friend. I have promised her not to tell anyone until when she is getting married, but I never said anything about not posting it on slap. Here goes:
For some reason, she was out drinking and I was at home, since I had work in the morning. She had been calling and texting me all night asking if she could sleep over etc., and I just said no. Around midnight I texted her saying that I was going to sleep now, and that I'd call her in the morning.
A few hours later, I wake up because of some noises outside my window, and I realize that someone was crying pretty loud. So I look out of my window, and see my drunken girlfriend trying to climb the wooden fence. I tell her to meet me at the door and she has no clue about where the door is (except that she had been there a billion times before), so I walk out and get her. Her phone was out of power but she had decided to sleep at my house anyway.
Since she was horny as hell, we started having sex, the awkward type when you are sober and she is shitfaced. It ends with me doing her from behind, and finish up, and we both go straight to sleep after that.
So at 5am, I wake up with her moaning and groaning, and shaking, at first I was thinking she had a seizure or something, but then she started to piss. In my bed. I woke her up and sent her to the bathroom to finish her pissing there, while I rip off the sheets and mattress cover which was all soaked in piss and throw them in the washing machine and hose the mattress down.. Did I mention that this was nasty cumsoaked piss? Yea...
I put on some new sheets, and we go to sleep. The next day I drive her home before I go to work. After work I ate at her place and told her the story, since she had no memory of it. I've never seen anyone be that ashamed before.[close]
If she was moaning, shaking and pissed herself then it was almost definitely a seizure (incontinence is one of the textbook signs of a seizure); seizures are commonly triggered by high alcohol intake aswell.
Truly amazing story.
I love how your friend calls you "dude".
Okay, personally, I love this thread. It keeps me entertained while I have nothing else better to do. I was bummed when I saw it wasn't on the first page of the whatever section. So, I decided to try to keep it alive by posting "just one time" and then return to just lurking on slap. So, here's my awkward and painful story (If you just want to read about the terrible foreplay and sex (well, not sex to you guys, but kind of sex to me), go to the 7th paragraph that reads, "I don't know what happened just before but it started off with hugging..."):
Let me get this out of the way, I'm a girl and I'm gay. My best friend had been with her girlfriend for a while now, who's really cool. She insisted that I had to get laid somehow (I hadn't had sex since my first girlfriend of about a year cheated on me and dumped me about 10 months before. I was pretty heartbroken for about 8 months. Yeah, I suck). I'm really shy and not the type to pick up girls so she told me that she wanted to hook me up with her friend (who she said was attractive). I trusted her and she told her friend about me, gave me her number and I texted her for a couple days. She seemed nice so we decided that the four of us (my friend, her girlfriend, and this girl) would meet up the next day to chill somewhere. So that next day I'm told to meet her at BART at four. I'm there for about half an hour, seeing hot girls walk in my direction, hoping it's her. None of them were.
Eventually I hear a voice that's way deeper than mine (I'm a fucking dyke. If you're a feminine lesbian you're voice shouldn't have more bass to it than mine) call my name and I look up to a girl who's taller than me (big turn off), has tons of freckles (ugh), really short red hair cut into some sort of weird bob (ARG) and a really small head (sigh). I'm disappointed, but still act friendly. Her grammar would remind you of someone you would consider white trash. For example, her favorite phrase seemed to be, "Dats sum buuhhllshit." Obviously, I wasn't attracted.
We meet up with my friend and her girlfriend and end up going back to my house (my parents were at work) only to find out that this girl is a complete cock block. She kept following my friend and her girlfriend around my whole house. So my friend takes me aside and tells me, "Come on dude, I know you don't want her, but take one for the team. Go cuddle with her or something, please." So, being the good friend that I am, I let my friend and her girlfriend use my room while I pick out a movie to watch with this girl. We end up cuddling on the couch and she's petting my arm for some reason.
I was relieved when my friend and her girlfriend came out of my room. I thought I was going to have the house to myself; but then my friend told me that they really needed to talk alone and that they couldn't take my date (whatever you want to call her) with them, so she had to stay with me. She told me, "Dude, I owe you so bad. Thank you. But look, just go for it, she's down."
Initially, I had refused to even consider it. But as the sun started to go down and less light filled my house, she started to look better. I figured that there were tons of guys and girls, gay or straight who hook up with people they weren't attracted to just to "get their dicks wet." So I asked her what she was thinking and she said she thought I was cute and she hoped she wasn't a disappointment. I didn't really know what to say, so I just replied with, "Of course not" then laughed awkwardly and looked away. I really should've stopped it there, but since there was a girl in my house that wanted to fuck me, my parents weren't home, and I hadn't gotten laid in almost a year, I decided I should just take what I can get.
I don't know what happened just before but it started off with hugging, then eventually, somehow she started making out me. She tasted like Doritos and sweat. She opened her mouth almost as wide as it would go and shoved it against mine. She repeatedly opened and closed her it like that motion you make with your mouth when you're pretending to be a fish. It kind of looks like this :-* except it was like she was trying to eat my face. So I pulled away and started kissing her neck instead, which also tasted like sweat and Doritos, but it was better than her terrible mouth; no tongue (as in she was opening her mouth that wide and didn't even attempt to use her tongue, which made it more awkward. But I guess it was lucky for me. I could've ended up with it down my throat for all I know), no teeth clashing, just her salty neck. Sadly, that was short-lived. She started moaning a bit before she pulled my hair to yank me back up to her lips. After a little bit of that I couldn't take it anymore and had her lie down on the kitchen floor. I was on top and I took off her shirt, she took off mine and I got underneath her bra. I started sucking on her nipples, flicking them with my tongue, etc. and she started to go a little nuts before she asked me if we could go to my bedroom.
We walked down the hall and I opened the door. We were both hit with the smell that our friends had created before when they fucked. I opened the window and we continued from where we left off. I was on top of her again, playing with her nipples and was reaching in between her legs when she stopped me and told me she was on her period (I later found out from my friend's girlfriend that she didn't really have her period. She had a yeast infection for about two weeks beforehand. Yeah, what the fuck right? That can really fuck you up. I'm lucky that she didn't let me go down there). I just said, "Oh" and looked at her.
She responded with, "Yeah." We looked at each other for a few more seconds till I broke the stare and gazed at the floor more intently than I had been looking at her. "I'll still fuck you though." I agreed and she got on top of me and started sucking on my neck like a fucking, drooling vacuum cleaner (I ended up with about three different hickeys on the left side of my neck). She took off my bra and tried to do what I did to her before but then stopped and said she didn't really know what to do and that I was the farthest she had ever went with a girl. So I "showed" her again what to do for about half a minute (I was starting to lose patience with this girl) and asked if she knew what to do now. She nodded and rolled me over so she was on top. You know those black clamps that you use to hold stacks of papers together? Yeah, well, it was like that, but with her teeth on my nipple with a slight grinding motion and added suction.
Why didn't I say anything? I really don't know. "Ouch" would have been sufficient. I didn't want to be rude I guess. I know it was stupid of me. Anyway, I was guessing that if she could hardly understand what she was doing to my nipple, she wouldn't be able to focus enough to rub my clit at the same time. I couldn't help thinking, "Fuck it, I've gone through all of this, I have to get off." So I grabbed her hand and guided it towards my zipper. She stopped and smiled at me as she unzipped and pulled off my pants. When she put her hand down there, I came to the surprise realization that I was wet. I don't know how it happened, but it did. I guess my body had decided that after waiting that long, any kind of human sexual contact would be okay.
So she's rubbing my clit, and surprisingly, she's doing a good job. I'm the road to an orgasm. So I decide to give her a little motivation and I start breathing a bit harder. But I guess she took that as, "Bitch, go as fast and hard as you fucking can!" So she did that and the little car on the road to an orgasm made a U-turn. Back to the beginning. I had stopped breathing hard, and I tell her, just go softer. So she does. Again, she's doing a good job and because of that, I can't help breathing harder. So it happens again, she goes fucking elbow grease on me. It was like she was trying to wax a damn car.
So here I am, back to square one again. I realize that talking to her about how to do things is pointless, so I make up my mind to just force myself to not breath hard at all (By the way, no, I don't only breath heavily. I'm a dyke, but not THAT much of a dyke. I don't fucking grunt and practically pant into my partner's ear like a dog. Yes, I'm like most girls, I moan. But I don't like to be that vulnerable with someone I hardly know, so I hold the noises back. I realize I'm getting very personal with strangers on the internet... Oh well) So she's doing pretty good again and in a couple minutes I'm cumming and I really can't control my breathing so out of nowhere, you know what happens. So I shoot up in pain, less than half way through an orgasm and scream, "Ow!" She looks so concerned and asks if I'm okay and if she hurt me. I just look at her for a second while I'm thinking, "This is fucking pointless" and say, "Yeah, I, uh, finished..."
She goes, "Oh!" and smiles and starts kissing me again while I'm thinking, "Noooo!" So I stop her to look at my clock, it's around five thirty. So I tell her, "Oh no! My stepdad's gonna be home soon." She gets scared, says, "Oh!" and runs to go get her shirt, bra, and shoes while I lean back in relief that she couldn't pick up on my bad acting.
Once we're both dressed, I walk her to BART with my board, hug her goodbye, and skate away as fast as possible. It burned when I peed for the rest of the day and I told my friend's girlfriend that I'm never trusting her with setting me up with a girl ever again.
That was way longer than I expected it to be. But I guess it was worth it since I killed some time in a sleepless night. Anyway, please, please keep posting in this thread! I realize my story isn't nearly as bad or funny as some of the others in here, but that's why I want more stories! Well, I have no life. I'm off to lurk and never post again. If you got this far, thanks for reading.
Expand QuoteExpand Quotepretty funny cause i still have the picture on my computer that my friend is fingering her with a big smile and a thumbs-up straight-out-of-the-pussy[close]
What are you waiting for then?[close]
I went to this party last year with a few friends. We were just chilling and smoking in the patio and there was this girl, clearly on E and we had a little conversation (me and my friend). Like an hour later we saw her again in de dance area or whatever you wanne call it. We decided to steal some beers over there and she was down for it, so offcourse i was hyped on her.
Later on she was spacing pretty much but we didnt 'do' anything yet, and i asked her to come home with me and my homie and she agreed. When we arrived home it was me, her and 2 of my friends. One of my friends, george, went to the kitchen instantly and passed out. Me, dean (my other homie) smoked all her weed while she was spacing. I was suggesting to my friend that we should pull a 3some by some signs she didnt notice beacause she was all fucked up. I gave dean the 'fuck-it-lets-do-this' and started kissing her. We ended up fucking the girl, high-fiving eachother (we'd been talking about towerbridging a girl for a while so it had to happen). We also laughed our asses off and the girl was like (really confused): what's so funny? straight up one of the most awkward moment. She also gave us handjobs at the same time shit was pretty weird. We ended up passing out and i had one condom left in the morning and my friend was already up, so i decided to bang her again. Dean was sitting on the couch and George just came in. I have a closet between my bed and the couch with holes in it so they could see it happen for a bit. The girl was on top of me and on the moment I climax'd dean just passed me the joint. One of the best wakeup's in my life.
pretty funny cause i still have the picture on my computer that my friend is fingering her with a big smile and a thumbs-up straight-out-of-the-pussy
ended up banging that girl for a few weeks and then i never saw her again, still owe her some money .
i'm a terrible story-teller and it wasnt really that awkward but trying to keep the thread alive
Post them.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quotepretty funny cause i still have the picture on my computer that my friend is fingering her with a big smile and a thumbs-up straight-out-of-the-pussy[close]
What are you waiting for then?[close][close]
No one will ever care about anything you say on here untill you post more pictures of your girlfriend
Expand QuoteNo one will ever care about anything you say on here untill you post more pictures of your girlfriend[close]
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteNo one will ever care about anything you say on here untill you post more pictures of your girlfriend[close][close]
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteNo one will ever care about anything you say on here untill you post more pictures of your girlfriend[close][close][close]
I lost my virginity in a 5x5 bathroom to some bustdown girl and kept smacking my head on the walldoes it really count if you didn't bust a nut?
Then her friend walked in and her parents came home and I skated home fast as fuck
Blue balls :/
another time i was fucking this girl from behind on a rickety old futon. all the screws were loose, and it was swaying around all over the place. anyway, i'm going at it like nodoby's business, and i guess, unbenownst to me, i must have slipped out of her vag and gone straight to the hilt up her ass in one swoop. i heard a weird suction sound followed by a blood curdling death yodel that still haunts me to this day. she jumped up and sprinted to the bathroom where she locked herself in for a good 3 hours convinced i tried to murder her with my dick. she was in there panicking because her asshole wouldn't un-dialate and she thought i had broken it and that she'd have to go to the hospital. it took me weeks to finally convince her that it was a complete accident. the combination of the rickety futon, body fluids, and ferocity of the act somehow created the perfect storm that led to the anal deflowering of such an epic nature.Did she write you a thank you card?
A girl tried to molest me when i was 12. I didnt realise that at the time but only few years later. She was around 17-18 years old.
It felt awkward and it stil feels like that.
i lost a condom inside of a girl once. neither of us knew it at the time, but she came up to me a couple days later and said "...i'm not upset or anything, but i just want you to know that my body just rejected a condom". she was not a very good liar; i could tell she was very upset about it, and obviously thought it was my fault or that i knew and didn't tell her or something. i was visiting her from out of town at the time, and she made the last couple days of my stay a living hell. never talked to her again after that.
another time i was fucking this girl from behind on a rickety old futon. all the screws were loose, and it was swaying around all over the place. anyway, i'm going at it like nodoby's business, and i guess, unbenownst to me, i must have slipped out of her vag and gone straight to the hilt up her ass in one swoop. i heard a weird suction sound followed by a blood curdling death yodel that still haunts me to this day. she jumped up and sprinted to the bathroom where she locked herself in for a good 3 hours convinced i tried to murder her with my dick. she was in there panicking because her asshole wouldn't un-dialate and she thought i had broken it and that she'd have to go to the hospital. it took me weeks to finally convince her that it was a complete accident. the combination of the rickety futon, body fluids, and ferocity of the act somehow created the perfect storm that led to the anal deflowering of such an epic nature.
i was fucking this girl doggystyle on a rickety old futon. it was bouncing all over the place, and we started to get a little out of rhythm. somehow my dick slipped out of her pussy and went all the way up her ass without me realizing it. she let out this death yodel and ran and locked herself in the bathroom for hours. she was freaking out because the sudden shock caused her asshole to stay dialated open. anyway, this chick just about fucking killed me. she thought i did it on purpose, and it took months to finally convince her otherwise. i did think it was pretty funny though.
Expand Quotei lost a condom inside of a girl once. neither of us knew it at the time, but she came up to me a couple days later and said "...i'm not upset or anything, but i just want you to know that my body just rejected a condom". she was not a very good liar; i could tell she was very upset about it, and obviously thought it was my fault or that i knew and didn't tell her or something. i was visiting her from out of town at the time, and she made the last couple days of my stay a living hell. never talked to her again after that.[close]
How'd you forget about the condom? Am I the only one who checks to see how full I can get the jimmy hat once finished?
So this girl I haven't seen in 4 years messaged me on facebook the other day. We were talking and she gave me her number. We've been talking and shit and she mentions that she has two kids and she's engaged to a guy that beats her and shit. I tell her she needs a mental escape from him since she can't leave him physically. I go over there a few days ago and she gives me about 5 beers and a bottle of Disarono. the next day she texts me and says he beat her for "drinking" all the alcohol. I feel like a pile of shit and go over when he's at work to console her. One thing leads to another and we end up getting freaky. Towards the end we hear footsteps. It was dude's father (he lives upstairs). He knocks on the door of the room and asks what the ruckus is. I have to hurriedly put my clothes on and hide in the closet. She gets dressed and opens the door to talk to him and convinces him he was hearing things. It took a half hour for him to go back to bed. Then I got the fuck out, after I finished. Turns out her fiance has murdered 10 people, is in a mexican gang, and hates black people. Living on the edge!
So this girl I haven't seen in 4 years messaged me on facebook the other day. We were talking and she gave me her number. We've been talking and shit and she mentions that she has two kids and she's engaged to a guy that beats her and shit. I tell her she needs a mental escape from him since she can't leave him physically. I go over there a few days ago and she gives me about 5 beers and a bottle of Disarono. the next day she texts me and says he beat her for "drinking" all the alcohol. I feel like a pile of shit and go over when he's at work to console her. One thing leads to another and we end up getting freaky. Towards the end we hear footsteps. It was dude's father (he lives upstairs). He knocks on the door of the room and asks what the ruckus is. I have to hurriedly put my clothes on and hide in the closet. She gets dressed and opens the door to talk to him and convinces him he was hearing things. It took a half hour for him to go back to bed. Then I got the fuck out, after I finished. Turns out her fiance has murdered 10 people, is in a mexican gang, and hates black people. Living on the edge!Feel sorry for her and the kids. I dont even know if it's safe to report the abuse....sucks you cant do anything.
It's terrible dude. We used to be really close and shit and then I started doing drugs and left her behind. I can't stand to think of the shit she has to go through on a daily basis. I guess he told her he's gotten away with murder before and if he needs to he'll do it again. that's life I guess.Feel sorry for her and the kids. I dont even know if it's safe to report the abuse....sucks you cant do anything.Expand QuoteSo this girl I haven't seen in 4 years messaged me on facebook the other day. We were talking and she gave me her number. We've been talking and shit and she mentions that she has two kids and she's engaged to a guy that beats her and shit. I tell her she needs a mental escape from him since she can't leave him physically. I go over there a few days ago and she gives me about 5 beers and a bottle of Disarono. the next day she texts me and says he beat her for "drinking" all the alcohol. I feel like a pile of shit and go over when he's at work to console her. One thing leads to another and we end up getting freaky. Towards the end we hear footsteps. It was dude's father (he lives upstairs). He knocks on the door of the room and asks what the ruckus is. I have to hurriedly put my clothes on and hide in the closet. She gets dressed and opens the door to talk to him and convinces him he was hearing things. It took a half hour for him to go back to bed. Then I got the fuck out, after I finished. Turns out her fiance has murdered 10 people, is in a mexican gang, and hates black people. Living on the edge![close]
see if you can get him to make an accountJust noticed this. I've never spoken to the dude, she's not even allowed to talk to me so that'd be near impossible.
Oh, some chick was giving me head a few weeks ago, and I busted in her mouth and it came out her nose. No idea how that happened, but if I can figure out the science behind it, I'll do it everytime.
Expand QuoteOh, some chick was giving me head a few weeks ago, and I busted in her mouth and it came out her nose. No idea how that happened, but if I can figure out the science behind it, I'll do it everytime.[close]
lies
Oh, some chick was giving me head a few weeks ago, and I busted in her mouth and it came out her nose. No idea how that happened, but if I can figure out the science behind it, I'll do it everytime.We call it the Alaskan Snow Dragon
Donkey, we are brothas from anotha motha i swear.DOOD!
A dove will land on your windowsill and it will shed one single tear.
Jimi, try not to get killed quite yet. I know you like sticking your dick in crazy situations, but please try to wait until after we send you to the gathering of the juggalos before you get murdered.
Had sex with a deaf girl the other week :-\
Expand QuoteHad sex with a deaf girl the other week :-\[close]
Keep going...
Had sex with a deaf girl the other week :-\
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteHad sex with a deaf girl the other week :-\[close]
I'm on pins and needles, story man. now.[close]
I've never slept with a deaf girl, but my old roommate did. He used to have the most LOUD sex with her and would call her the most vile shit imaginable when he was fucking her from behind because she could read his lips. She said she could tell he was noisy because she could feel the vibration from him shouting. He eventually got her to the point of saying shit when they were fucking and it was pretty funny because she had that whole manner of speaking that deaf people had. When I first met her I was skeptical, because she seemed a little TOO good at lip reading so I smashed a glass bottle behind her when we were leaving a bar and nothing, she was pretty deaf.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHad sex with a deaf girl the other week :-\[close]
I'm on pins and needles, story man. now.[close]
I've never slept with a deaf girl, but my old roommate did. He used to have the most LOUD sex with her and would call her the most vile shit imaginable when he was fucking her from behind because she could read his lips. She said she could tell he was noisy because she could feel the vibration from him shouting. He eventually got her to the point of saying shit when they were fucking and it was pretty funny because she had that whole manner of speaking that deaf people had. When I first met her I was skeptical, because she seemed a little TOO good at lip reading so I smashed a glass bottle behind her when we were leaving a bar and nothing, she was pretty deaf.[close]
i was wondering about her deaf moans. those noises must have been kinda gnar
Dude, they were super gnar. It sounded like someone trying to play that marshmallow game, "Chubbybunny", but screaming. That is the the best way I can describe deaf person sex moans.Hahahaha.
It really started to hurt, so I finally got her off me by pinching her nipples, she cries out 'AHHHHH BEEEEEE MOOOOORE GEAAANTLLEE'.
Oh man, definitely the most awkward thing that's ever happened to me. I was to fucking drunk to notice she was deaf until way after. I don't even remember meeting her in the club. I remember sitting down on her bed and she disappeared for a bit returning with a glass of water, by the time I'd gotten to her place and when she had come back from wherever she was, I guess I sobered up a bit. I didn't release until she was on top of me that she was deaf, she starting wailing really hard, I asked her if she was okay, no response, she started to ride a lot harder. So hard that I was like fuck it and just blew my load. She kept going, I told her I'm done, she didn't hear me and kept going. Her eyes were closed and she was going so hard, I couldn't even push her off, she kept going away pounding at my limp cock. I kept trying to push her off but she was literally stuck on me pounding away. I was like 'Uhh, I'm finished? I guess I was still half hard, and she didn't feel me blow (I filled up the condom!). It really started to hurt, so I finally got her off me by pinching her nipples, she cries out 'AHHHHH BEEEEEE MOOOOORE GEAAANTLLEE'. Pointed to the bathroom, gathered my shit and got the fuck out of there.
Not a very exciting story. I never want to have sex again.
well, one time i was bangin my ex-bitch in the shower from behind and i gave her a good pump and she smacked her forehead off the wall. i thought it was pretty funny, she though it was.... well she wasnt thinking shit other than "ow my fuckin head"
nice gal gave me a bj and then tried to kiss me afterwards i pulled away and the look on her face was so priceless it was like anger and heartbreak all at once. i guess that's not super awkward likes some of these though.You are blowing it on this one.
You are blowing it on this one.Expand Quotenice gal gave me a bj and then tried to kiss me afterwards i pulled away and the look on her face was so priceless it was like anger and heartbreak all at once. i guess that's not super awkward likes some of these though.[close]
edit:^ No pun intended.
same bitch, shower again, shes giving me head this time and she fuckin pukes cause she has the weakest gag reflex ever. good thing it was in the shower so it didnt really matter i guess, but it stunk pretty bad hahaha. yeah thats pretty awkward. she finished though!
something about it just has STD all over it.Expand QuoteYou are blowing it on this one.Expand Quotenice gal gave me a bj and then tried to kiss me afterwards i pulled away and the look on her face was so priceless it was like anger and heartbreak all at once. i guess that's not super awkward likes some of these though.[close]
edit:^ No pun intended.[close]
One time at bandcamp, there was a girl who suck a flute up her pussy.
Expand QuoteOne time at bandcamp, there was a girl who suck a flute up her pussy.[close]
How is that awkward, was it your flute?
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteOne time at bandcamp, there was a girl who suck a flute up her pussy.[close]
How is that awkward, was it your flute?[close]
(http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/554/facepalm.jpg)
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteOne time at bandcamp, there was a girl who suck a flute up her pussy.[close]
How is that awkward, was it your flute?[close]
(http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/554/facepalm.jpg)[close]
(http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/554/facepalm.jpg)
more funny, than awkward but asking a girl if i could pull out her tampon. bloody cock but was worth it
Expand Quotemore funny, than awkward but asking a girl if i could pull out her tampon. bloody cock but was worth it[close]
thats more disgusting than funny or awkward. sounds like something marlyn manson would do to a stripper
Expand QuoteExpand Quotemore funny, than awkward but asking a girl if i could pull out her tampon. bloody cock but was worth it[close]
thats more disgusting than funny or awkward. sounds like something marlyn manson would do to a stripper[close]
I don't really think it's disgusting at all. I bang my lady on her period pretty much everytime it comes around. It just means you can't get too freaky and you hafta shower right after (or just bang in the shower). Otherwise it's no big deal.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quotemore funny, than awkward but asking a girl if i could pull out her tampon. bloody cock but was worth it[close]
thats more disgusting than funny or awkward. sounds like something marlyn manson would do to a stripper[close]
I don't really think it's disgusting at all. I bang my lady on her period pretty much everytime it comes around. It just means you can't get too freaky and you hafta shower right after (or just bang in the shower). Otherwise it's no big deal.[close]
My girl has an I.U.D. which means no periods and it's fucking awesome
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quotemore funny, than awkward but asking a girl if i could pull out her tampon. bloody cock but was worth it[close]
thats more disgusting than funny or awkward. sounds like something marlyn manson would do to a stripper[close]
I don't really think it's disgusting at all. I bang my lady on her period pretty much everytime it comes around. It just means you can't get too freaky and you hafta shower right after (or just bang in the shower). Otherwise it's no big deal.[close]
My girl has an I.U.D. which means no periods and it's fucking awesome[close]
keep her
Not about me but ...haha gross.
Buddy was having a party at his own house, he's drunk. At some point he creeps into his room with his girl. Later we see him all drunk and happy and he's got some blood on his nose.
I had a few classes with this girl and we would flirt, but I had a girlfriend so nothing happened during that school year. When the girlfriend and I broke up I called the girl from class to meet me at a bar. At the bar there was a lot of sexual tension and whiskey. Somehow we got a ride to her place and we made out in the back seat the whole time. We get to her room, clothes come off, nipples get sucked, and then I'm on top missionary-style. After awhile I get a little tired and suggest we switch to her on top. She obliges and a minute into the position change I get queasy and throw up on our groins. I tried, but she didn't want to continue after the clean-up.(https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQEU4MKhdB7wHViXmkERoZbktg5g23HFE2mGTUUfYCu5Z3u_hG1)
A few months ago when I was dating a freshmen girl because I'm a really cool sophomore, we were in her basement making out under blankets and she said "just take them off" so I pushed down my pants her put her hand on it and she kind of yelped and got up and told me she ment my glasses.
It was pretty akward until we broke up.
So for my birthday last summer I had a birthday party/ house warming thing at the house i had just moved into. I had all my friends come and my girlfriend wanted her dumb slut friend to come. I was against the slut coming because she is everything evil but she came anyway. I had just moved into this house so there wasn't any couches and none of my roommates had moved in yet so there were no beds in the house except mine. My friend Tom thought ahead and brought his own mattress with him and I told him he could put it on my bedroom floor and sleep there because my room was the only clean part of the house because all the other rooms were getting dirty from the party. So I get birthday wasted and start trying to convince my girlfriend and slut into a threesome but shit doesn't workout. My friend Tom starts asking me whatsup with slut and I tell him to go for it but just wear a condom because she's dirty and I give him a condom. So the parties pretty much over so me, my girlfriend, Tom, Slut and this random kid who none of us are really friends with but was drunk and needed a place to sleep head to my room. Random kid goes on my couch and falls asleep, tom and slut get on his mattress and me and my girl get in my bed. the lights go out and me and my girl hear tom and slut start going at it so we start fucking too. I tried to fuck for a little but whiskey dick was rampant and my birthday drunk drowsiness kicked in so I passed out. I wake up soaking wet and with one of the worst headaches of my life. Im still drunk and confused as fuck as to why I'm wet. I look down to see if I pissed myself but I was good. I look over at my girlfriend and see the biggest fucking piss puddle on a bed the world has ever known. I swear she might have pissed, chugged some water, then pissed again. So I jump up from bed and slam my head on the book shelve hanging above it which I didn't know about because it was my first night sleeping there. The banging of my head wakes everyone up, except my girlfriend, to me standing on my bed drenched in piss. They all start laughing at me but I quickly snitch my girl out and she wakes up to her realizing she pissed herself and the three people who slept in my room laughing at her. Bitch was embarrassed to say the least. so after the whole piss thing is cleaned my friend tells me how he fucked slut once with the condom then went in for round two bare dicked. I told him he should get checked out because I was dead serious about her being a dirty slut. At first he thought I was fucking with him but he went and got checked out anyway. She gave him chlamydia. So thank god my threesome plans fell through. Ill take waking up in a piss puddle to waking up with the clam any day.Is this what growing up is like?
After typing this story out I realize it isn't really an awkward sexual experience but fuck it. I'll post it anyway.
Is this what growing up is like?Expand QuoteSo for my birthday last summer I had a birthday party/ house warming thing at the house i had just moved into. I had all my friends come and my girlfriend wanted her dumb slut friend to come. I was against the slut coming because she is everything evil but she came anyway. I had just moved into this house so there wasn't any couches and none of my roommates had moved in yet so there were no beds in the house except mine. My friend Tom thought ahead and brought his own mattress with him and I told him he could put it on my bedroom floor and sleep there because my room was the only clean part of the house because all the other rooms were getting dirty from the party. So I get birthday wasted and start trying to convince my girlfriend and slut into a threesome but shit doesn't workout. My friend Tom starts asking me whatsup with slut and I tell him to go for it but just wear a condom because she's dirty and I give him a condom. So the parties pretty much over so me, my girlfriend, Tom, Slut and this random kid who none of us are really friends with but was drunk and needed a place to sleep head to my room. Random kid goes on my couch and falls asleep, tom and slut get on his mattress and me and my girl get in my bed. the lights go out and me and my girl hear tom and slut start going at it so we start fucking too. I tried to fuck for a little but whiskey dick was rampant and my birthday drunk drowsiness kicked in so I passed out. I wake up soaking wet and with one of the worst headaches of my life. Im still drunk and confused as fuck as to why I'm wet. I look down to see if I pissed myself but I was good. I look over at my girlfriend and see the biggest fucking piss puddle on a bed the world has ever known. I swear she might have pissed, chugged some water, then pissed again. So I jump up from bed and slam my head on the book shelve hanging above it which I didn't know about because it was my first night sleeping there. The banging of my head wakes everyone up, except my girlfriend, to me standing on my bed drenched in piss. They all start laughing at me but I quickly snitch my girl out and she wakes up to her realizing she pissed herself and the three people who slept in my room laughing at her. Bitch was embarrassed to say the least. so after the whole piss thing is cleaned my friend tells me how he fucked slut once with the condom then went in for round two bare dicked. I told him he should get checked out because I was dead serious about her being a dirty slut. At first he thought I was fucking with him but he went and got checked out anyway. She gave him chlamydia. So thank god my threesome plans fell through. Ill take waking up in a piss puddle to waking up with the clam any day.
After typing this story out I realize it isn't really an awkward sexual experience but fuck it. I'll post it anyway.[close]
You guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.
Fair enough.Expand QuoteYou guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.[close]
or not...
Fair enough.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteYou guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.[close]
or not...[close]
Edit: Dammit! The point was to convince these guys to do it! I didn't get my first test until maybe 4 years ago. I used to get stressed out on it and now I never worry. I have been tested 3 times and it becomes less of a stressful ordeal every time.
Not about me but ...A kid I go to school with apparently had the nickname "The Joker" for this very same reason.
Buddy was having a party at his own house, he's drunk. At some point he creeps into his room with his girl. Later we see him all drunk and happy and he's got some blood on his nose.
Expand QuoteFair enough.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteYou guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.[close]
or not...[close]
Edit: Dammit! The point was to convince these guys to do it! I didn't get my first test until maybe 4 years ago. I used to get stressed out on it and now I never worry. I have been tested 3 times and it becomes less of a stressful ordeal every time.[close]
I get tested all the time, it makes sense, I mean why wouldnt you?
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteFair enough.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteYou guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.[close]
or not...[close]
Edit: Dammit! The point was to convince these guys to do it! I didn't get my first test until maybe 4 years ago. I used to get stressed out on it and now I never worry. I have been tested 3 times and it becomes less of a stressful ordeal every time.[close]
I get tested all the time, it makes sense, I mean why wouldnt you?[close]
I went to get tested last June, it's somewhat long and not sexually awkward in the classical sense, but this is what happened:
? I went to my medical center in early June for a respiratory issue and was prescribed antibiotics. They told me to call if I was still experiencing issues. A week passes by, I'm still congested so I call, get checked out + X-Rays in case of bronchitis, and am prescribed steroids. At this juncture they also schedule me for a yearly check-up two weeks later, at which point they'll ask me how I've been with the respiratory stuff unless it worsened and had to come in sooner. Those first two times were with the same doctor.
? Two weeks later I go in, I'm breathing just fine, and the new doctor comes in. He asked me how I was doing, I replied I was feeling better, but then he said my X-rays worried him; it looked like mild lung disease. A blank canvas stretches over my eyes as I ask him how that's possible, and he quizzes me on how I feel, what my symptoms were like, a bunch of those types of questions. Five minutes later he's relieved that I'm feeling well, and said something along the lines of the oxygenation in my cells in the X-Ray disprove any form of disease anyway. He also didn't know when this X-Ray was taken, and was under the impression that I had it done yesterday. I don't know how he was unaware of that fact; I'm pretty sure I saw the date on the scan or the folder it came in. Either way, I'm so confused at this point that I don't know if I should be pissed off yet because I was just so relieved. Then we get on with the usual check-up shit.
? A few minutes into it, I decide to just brave it and ask for a STD test. He pauses and asks if I'm been sexually active lately and reply that I haven't been. He then asks me if I'm worried about a certain individual, and I mull it over and reply with a shrugging, "Naahh." He starts to chuckle and asks, "What do you want to get tested for then?" My face turns to stone and I tell him, very slowly, "Peace.. Of.. Mind.." He straightens up and starts typing, while I'm thinking that I must be on some suburban localized version of Punk'd, or Indian version of Doctor Ben is just here to fuck with me. After some minutes of typing, he asks, "And you want to get tested for HIV?," to which I reply "Yes" before I can let anything abusive formulate in my head to do to him. Of course I want to get fucking tested for HIV, most STDs pop up within six months of the last sexual encounter, that shit can hide for years! A little bit later he brings up a situation to me and we have this conversation:
Dr: "Sooo.. I'm not sure if your health plan covers this, so I'm just going to put down that you have an Unspecified Venereal Disease."
Me: "Why, so it'll be cheaper?"
Dr: "Yes."
Me: "How long is it going to say in my records that I have an 'Unspecified Venereal Disease?'"
Dr: He waves his hand at the screen as if shooing a fly, "Oh, I'll get rid of it once the test results come in, so about two weeks."
Me: "I don't want that in my records, at all. So how about I call my insurance company to see if they cover it, and reschedule for a test." All the while I'm thinking, 'I know I can get this done at a free clinic. What the fuck is this nonsense?'
Dr: He chuckles to himself again and says, "Yeah, [more chuckling] that's probably a good idea." And deletes the request.
Annnd I haven't looked into it since. There was also some shit about getting tested for food allergies, but I've written enough. This doctor is a fuckhead.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteFair enough.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteYou guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.[close]
or not...[close]
Edit: Dammit! The point was to convince these guys to do it! I didn't get my first test until maybe 4 years ago. I used to get stressed out on it and now I never worry. I have been tested 3 times and it becomes less of a stressful ordeal every time.[close]
I get tested all the time, it makes sense, I mean why wouldnt you?[close]
I went to get tested last June, it's somewhat long and not sexually awkward in the classical sense, but this is what happened:
? I went to my medical center in early June for a respiratory issue and was prescribed antibiotics. They told me to call if I was still experiencing issues. A week passes by, I'm still congested so I call, get checked out + X-Rays in case of bronchitis, and am prescribed steroids. At this juncture they also schedule me for a yearly check-up two weeks later, at which point they'll ask me how I've been with the respiratory stuff unless it worsened and had to come in sooner. Those first two times were with the same doctor.
? Two weeks later I go in, I'm breathing just fine, and the new doctor comes in. He asked me how I was doing, I replied I was feeling better, but then he said my X-rays worried him; it looked like mild lung disease. A blank canvas stretches over my eyes as I ask him how that's possible, and he quizzes me on how I feel, what my symptoms were like, a bunch of those types of questions. Five minutes later he's relieved that I'm feeling well, and said something along the lines of the oxygenation in my cells in the X-Ray disprove any form of disease anyway. He also didn't know when this X-Ray was taken, and was under the impression that I had it done yesterday. I don't know how he was unaware of that fact; I'm pretty sure I saw the date on the scan or the folder it came in. Either way, I'm so confused at this point that I don't know if I should be pissed off yet because I was just so relieved. Then we get on with the usual check-up shit.
? A few minutes into it, I decide to just brave it and ask for a STD test. He pauses and asks if I'm been sexually active lately and reply that I haven't been. He then asks me if I'm worried about a certain individual, and I mull it over and reply with a shrugging, "Naahh." He starts to chuckle and asks, "What do you want to get tested for then?" My face turns to stone and I tell him, very slowly, "Peace.. Of.. Mind.." He straightens up and starts typing, while I'm thinking that I must be on some suburban localized version of Punk'd, or Indian version of Doctor Ben is just here to fuck with me. After some minutes of typing, he asks, "And you want to get tested for HIV?," to which I reply "Yes" before I can let anything abusive formulate in my head to do to him. Of course I want to get fucking tested for HIV, most STDs pop up within six months of the last sexual encounter, that shit can hide for years! A little bit later he brings up a situation to me and we have this conversation:
Dr: "Sooo.. I'm not sure if your health plan covers this, so I'm just going to put down that you have an Unspecified Venereal Disease."
Me: "Why, so it'll be cheaper?"
Dr: "Yes."
Me: "How long is it going to say in my records that I have an 'Unspecified Venereal Disease?'"
Dr: He waves his hand at the screen as if shooing a fly, "Oh, I'll get rid of it once the test results come in, so about two weeks."
Me: "I don't want that in my records, at all. So how about I call my insurance company to see if they cover it, and reschedule for a test." All the while I'm thinking, 'I know I can get this done at a free clinic. What the fuck is this nonsense?'
Dr: He chuckles to himself again and says, "Yeah, [more chuckling] that's probably a good idea." And deletes the request.
Annnd I haven't looked into it since. There was also some shit about getting tested for food allergies, but I've written enough. This doctor is a fuckhead.[close]
That is totally fucked, but I have heard so many similar stories from friends that it barely surpises me any more.
Go to the free clinic, there they have experience giving medical help t those who need it, for there own good. most GPs are self agrandising cunts.
Back in 1999-2000 I was a radio/radar journeyman in the Air Force and was temporarily stationed in Germany. Being 20 in Germany with $50 a day per diem, plus a regular paycheck and my lodging taken care of means lots of us were getting drunk regularly. One of these nights I was at the bar on base waiting for some homies to finish up at work when this American girl came up to me and had this little conversation with me:
Girl- Are you married?
Me- No
Girl- Engaged?
Me- No
Girl- Dating anyone?
Me- Uhhh... no.
Girl- Alright, well you're coming with me.
She was an average looking girl and when you're a kid and have no strings attached, you know not to turn anything down. We walked across the street to the hotel all of us were staying in and this is when I noticed how wasted she was. She had the whole "one leg is lighter than the other" walk going on. We made it up to her room and she told me she had to go to the bathroom first. At this point, I wasn't expecting much because she was pretty drunk and I was expecting her to go throw up or something.
Before she got to the bathroom, her leg bumped the bed and she tipped over and faceplanted hard right into the edge of a dresser. I said, "Oh shit!" and then really started to panic when I rolled her over and she was knocked out. I lightly patted her face and kept saying, "Wake up!" to her and when she came to, she opened her mouth and just spit out a shit load of blood and 3-4 teeth. I didn't know what to do because I didn't know if Germany had 911 or anything like that, not only that, but people saw us leave together and my hands were beat to shit from fucking around with radios, safety wire and working in a shitty environment. Someone would think I hit her and she was way to wasted to remember. I went through her purse and found a bunch of phone numbers and finally got someone to answer and it ended up being her supervisor. Her boss finally got there and I was about to apologize when her boss said, "Jesus, again?"
Apparently this girl got wasted a lot and always had bad shit happen. Thankfully I was in the clear. A few days later I saw her leaving her room with this fatass lip and a bunch of stitches. I started laughing and she looked at me like I was an asshole when I realized she didn't remember me being there.
this has got to be an awkward one
http://www.daftporn.com/?p=play&Id=115 (http://www.daftporn.com/?p=play&Id=115)
one time i used to date a bitch that would never let me blow in her mouth. i was gettin head one time and i just said fuck it and let her loose without giving any warning.
she basically choked almost to the point of puking and got hella pissed at me but i gave her an innocent "oops"? :-\ look and she forgave me.
not awkward for me but probably unenjoyable for her. i win.
gotta keep this thread alive
You guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.
Expand QuoteYou guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.[close]
My University did it for free at the health center. On day my friend and I decided to go for it. That cotton swab thing is scary. They also had a giant bowl of condoms you could take for free.
i hear they dont use the swab anymore. or not as often at least
The only ways I have been tested are by a swab in the mouth and a blood test. I am sure you can find a place that uses one of those methods or another less frightening one.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteYou guys should do it. There are tons of places that test for free and you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders.[close]
My University did it for free at the health center.? On day my friend and I decided to go for it.? That cotton swab thing is scary.? They also had a giant bowl of condoms you could take for free.?[close]
the main reason i dont want to get tested is because the idea of having a stick jammed down my shaft frightens the shit out of me..
isnt there another way? fuck. i know you can get piss tested and blood tested for certain things but it definitely doesnt cover all the bases.
not an experience just a failed pickup line.
I was making out with this girl in my car about a month back and we had the radio on. There was a snow advisory and the weatherman said "Be ready for 2 inches of snow tonight" and I told her "you should be ready for two inches tonight". She couldn't stop laughing, I thought it'd work.
not an experience just a failed pickup line.
I was making out with this girl in my car about a month back and we had the radio on. There was a snow advisory and the weatherman said "Be ready for 2 inches of snow tonight" and I told her "you should be ready for two inches tonight". She couldn't stop laughing, I thought it'd work.
That was the joke! bitch knew I was packin heat.Expand Quotenot an experience just a failed pickup line.
I was making out with this girl in my car about a month back and we had the radio on. There was a snow advisory and the weatherman said "Be ready for 2 inches of snow tonight" and I told her "you should be ready for two inches tonight". She couldn't stop laughing, I thought it'd work.[close]
probably cause you just told her you have a tiny dick
Looks like the cold front moved in anywaysThat was the joke! bitch knew I was packin heat.Expand QuoteExpand Quotenot an experience just a failed pickup line.
I was making out with this girl in my car about a month back and we had the radio on. There was a snow advisory and the weatherman said "Be ready for 2 inches of snow tonight" and I told her "you should be ready for two inches tonight". She couldn't stop laughing, I thought it'd work.[close]
probably cause you just told her you have a tiny dick[close]
not an experience just a failed pickup line.
I was making out with this girl in my car about a month back and we had the radio on. There was a snow advisory and the weatherman said "Be ready for 2 inches of snow tonight" and I told her "you should be ready for two inches tonight". She couldn't stop laughing, I thought it'd work.
was throat fucking this girl and she did that same-time cough/sneeze shit and slung the nastiest loogy straight into my pubic hairs. allllllll up in there too. nigga had to stop, grab this lil rag i found, whip it off and get back to it. she already would get rosy cheeks on the regular but her shit looked like a tomato for the next 10 minutes, lol. i was truly kinda grossed out tho, the flem was pretty thick
You and the Mrs split up? Shit, I'm clueless man. When did that happen?Expand QuoteMy ex-girlfriend threw up on me a couple times from gagging while giving me head. One of the times she threw up right when my brother walked in the living room...
Throw up in your butt crack isn't pleasant.[close]
Man, this isn't about sex, but my ex-wife threw up on me on her birthday. I was the DD so she could go out and drink with her friends and when we left she seemed fine, she was in heels and she only had a little wobble, but she was walking ok and not even slurring. She stayed up the whole way home, got in bed just fine and then she woke up in the middle of the night and threw up all over my neck and chest. Fuck, I was so mad, but I didn't flip on her. I just cleaned myself up, stripped the sheets and slept on the couch. She was pretty embarrassed the next day and I couldn't stop giving her shit about it.
You and the Mrs split up? Shit, I'm clueless man. When did that happen?Expand QuoteExpand QuoteMy ex-girlfriend threw up on me a couple times from gagging while giving me head. One of the times she threw up right when my brother walked in the living room...
Throw up in your butt crack isn't pleasant.[close]
Man, this isn't about sex, but my ex-wife threw up on me on her birthday. I was the DD so she could go out and drink with her friends and when we left she seemed fine, she was in heels and she only had a little wobble, but she was walking ok and not even slurring. She stayed up the whole way home, got in bed just fine and then she woke up in the middle of the night and threw up all over my neck and chest. Fuck, I was so mad, but I didn't flip on her. I just cleaned myself up, stripped the sheets and slept on the couch. She was pretty embarrassed the next day and I couldn't stop giving her shit about it.[close]
I was bangin this chick steady for a while when I was 18, I was all fucked up on mushrooms 1 night and we just went at it and it was the wierdest sex ever, like trying to shove a clam in a quarter slot, anyway she was saying wierd shit and had she had no idea i was tripping face, so I couldnt finish and made her leave. I never spoke to her again...Present day, she now works 3 doors down from where I work and I have to see her walk by twice a day we made eye contact and it was the most awkward shit ive expeirenced in a while...A friend of mine knows her husband, guess shes married with 3 kids now.
That is pretty weird, dude.
I HEARD an awkward sexual experience this morning! My upstairs neighbors were fucking loudly and in the middle of it they started arguing about him calling her a dirty bitch. AWESOME
I HEARD an awkward sexual experience this morning! My upstairs neighbors were fucking loudly and in the middle of it they started arguing about him calling her a dirty bitch. AWESOMEOh no way. I've been there. I don't usually get into verbally degrading a chick during the act, but one girl I used to hook up with in college kept telling me to call her a slut and a whore...do the slapping thing. Sure, I'll play ball. I learned that you can call her "dirty slut, dirty whore, bad girl...etc"every degrading thing in existence....EXCEPT calling her bitch. You know that scene from the Exorcist when the girls head spin completely around with a demonic look? I got that. I also received a complete and full lecture on how unnecessary it was to refer to her as "bitch".
Recently I went home with this chick who was roommates with a chick from my old highschool. Didnt start out well. We get out of the cab, shes wasted as shit, im leaning over paying the cab driver and she yells "PIGGYBACK" and jumps on my back, mind you it was pouring rain, I lost my balance and both of us went down backwards into a wooden fence. The noise was ridiculous, the loudest hollow thud, pretty sure she was concussed but she was just laughing. Long story short she passed out in bed, I waited it out and got it done in the am, pretty haggard actually, had scrapes all over my elbow
I had my first experience with whiskey dick... so disappointing...
a couple months ago I was getting down with this chick I had known for years but never chilled with until she moved pretty close to where I live. First night I fucked her was probably the sickest. I think it was the 2nd or 3rd time we fucked that turned sour. the sex was awesome, fucking her from behind against her bed standing and everything, talking dirty, all that good shit. After I nut, I go to slip the rubber off and realize its all torn up. Right then and there I started to think about my life and that I'm gonna become a father now and instantly became sober but still kinda out of it because I had just blown a really mean nut. Worst part was I was 3 or 4 tall cans deep too so I was in heaven for like 15-20 minutes and then ended up with a bad situation. Luckily, she used to work at a free clinic so she had plan b on deck and took it asap. I cured my issues with half a Newport and then passed out.
Here's where it gets nasty....I'm texting with her like 4 days later. A couple hours go by between texts and I get one saying "OMG the nastiest thing just happened to me!". I thought maybe she found a spider or cockroach in her apartment or something but then she tells me "your condom just fell out of me". Since that day, I realized trying to wife that was futile and that I should just casually fuck her because not having a dependable nut, especially during winter, sucks. Last time we slept together was a couple days before Christmas and have only seen each other like 5 times strictly because we have a lot of mutual friends so its inevitable.
Also, as a sidenote, she had this weird fucking tendency that pissed me off. She would sometimes (especially when drunk which would happen after like 3 beers) use this stupid baby voice that was a huuuuuge turnoff. I told all my friends and they laughed about it but I simply just couldn't. I felt like I was laying next to a 10 yr old when she did that. bleeehhhhhh.
best thread ever btw!!
Expand QuoteI was getting down with my girl on the couch the other evening. I was about to cum and she told me to blow it on her tits, so I pull out and start jerkin to finish off. I look down half way through and realize I am not actually cumming. I was having an orgasm but not cumming. Afterwards she's like "Uh....did you just fake an orgasm." It took me a while to convince her I didn't then we just kept going.....guess it is possible for dudes to have multiple orgasms. She later tells me it was the most confusing thing in her life, and in hindsight if I was an outside party looking in I am sure it would have been hilarious to see a dude who thinks he is cumming on this girls tits and later realizes he wasn't.[close]
that's happened to me more than once, actually. i think a medication i take fucks with my kit like that.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI was getting down with my girl on the couch the other evening. I was about to cum and she told me to blow it on her tits, so I pull out and start jerkin to finish off. I look down half way through and realize I am not actually cumming. I was having an orgasm but not cumming. Afterwards she's like "Uh....did you just fake an orgasm." It took me a while to convince her I didn't then we just kept going.....guess it is possible for dudes to have multiple orgasms. She later tells me it was the most confusing thing in her life, and in hindsight if I was an outside party looking in I am sure it would have been hilarious to see a dude who thinks he is cumming on this girls tits and later realizes he wasn't.[close]
that's happened to me more than once, actually. i think a medication i take fucks with my kit like that.[close]
Busting placebo nuts...
I had my first experience with whiskey dick... so disappointing...
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI was getting down with my girl on the couch the other evening. I was about to cum and she told me to blow it on her tits, so I pull out and start jerkin to finish off. I look down half way through and realize I am not actually cumming. I was having an orgasm but not cumming. Afterwards she's like "Uh....did you just fake an orgasm." It took me a while to convince her I didn't then we just kept going.....guess it is possible for dudes to have multiple orgasms. She later tells me it was the most confusing thing in her life, and in hindsight if I was an outside party looking in I am sure it would have been hilarious to see a dude who thinks he is cumming on this girls tits and later realizes he wasn't.[close]
that's happened to me more than once, actually. i think a medication i take fucks with my kit like that.[close]
Dry heaves....
Busting placebo nuts...
Expand QuoteI had my first experience with whiskey dick... so disappointing...[close]
Never happend to me ( knock on wood ) guess my hornyness outwinns my drunkness everytime
I didn't have a placebo nut, but I almost wish I did.
I got back home for Spring Break two weeks ago. I went straight to my girlfriend's place, and she gives me head pretty much right away, which was rad. Everything was going great until I'm about to nut, and it's just the weirdest sensation. Like, normally you can feel it kind of work its way up and out, but this time there were two "dry heaves" and then these three big solid globs came out, one after the other. The only way I can really describe them is "cum rocks." They were fairly hard, completely solid, and disturbingly large. My dick hurt for like a day afterwards, too. I looked it up online, and the most likely reason was that I was dehydrated. Now I really focus on staying hydrated, that shit was awful.
Expand QuoteI didn't have a placebo nut, but I almost wish I did.
I got back home for Spring Break two weeks ago. I went straight to my girlfriend's place, and she gives me head pretty much right away, which was rad. Everything was going great until I'm about to nut, and it's just the weirdest sensation. Like, normally you can feel it kind of work its way up and out, but this time there were two "dry heaves" and then these three big solid globs came out, one after the other. The only way I can really describe them is "cum rocks." They were fairly hard, completely solid, and disturbingly large. My dick hurt for like a day afterwards, too. I looked it up online, and the most likely reason was that I was dehydrated. Now I really focus on staying hydrated, that shit was awful.[close]
Also, protein. If you've had a lot of protein, and haven't cummed in a while, it can start coagulating. Or just the latter, since you always have some protein in it. So basically, you need to jack it more!
I had sex for the first time a few weeks ago and lasted about a minute. maybe this should've gone in the real confessions thread. either way, it was awkward.
I had sex for the first time a few weeks ago and lasted about a minute. maybe this should've gone in the real confessions thread. either way, it was awkward.i had this issue when i was younger. fuck with the TV on...works wonders
i had this issue when i was younger. fuck with the TV on...works wondersExpand QuoteI had sex for the first time a few weeks ago and lasted about a minute. maybe this should've gone in the real confessions thread. either way, it was awkward.[close]
i had this issue when i was younger.� fuck with the TV on...works wondersExpand QuoteI had sex for the first time a few weeks ago and lasted about a minute. maybe this should've gone in the real confessions thread. either way, it was awkward.[close]
Expand Quotei had this issue when i was younger. fuck with the TV on...works wondersExpand QuoteI had sex for the first time a few weeks ago and lasted about a minute. maybe this should've gone in the real confessions thread. either way, it was awkward.[close][close]
see, it takes me fucking forever to bust a nut. TV just makes me more distracted.
The girl i'm fucking now can go forever. Woke me up the other night and said "i'm awake. i don't want you to go to bed. round 4?" I was like damn. started smashing and she is dripping wet. so i flip her over and start slapping against her ass. I end up getting off too. So i pass out and she wakes me up again at 7am because she is leaving for work. She says "you've got 2 minutes. start fucking me now" I've got heart burn like a motherfucker from drinking JD all night, I'm ripping stank bombs from mixing the booze with hummus for dinner, and I'm trying to fucking sleep. I open my eyes, look around, and think to myself "fuck, what am I getting myself into?" We ended up fucking for a half or so. I had to pass out when she left though and I'm feeling old. hahah, I'm good with a couple sessions a week, you know? 4x in 14 hours just ain't where i'm at right now. i like to sleep.
I don't know if this is a good one to get into. Good in bed=crazy in the head... meh, i'll see how it goes
Donkey Lips- you actually grew more accepting of the crazy? That's unusual. Do you have a reason?Probably desensitized from the ex-girlfriend that tried drugging me. That was a whole lot of crazy for one tiny girl.
Expand QuoteExpand Quotei had this issue when i was younger. fuck with the TV on...works wondersExpand QuoteI had sex for the first time a few weeks ago and lasted about a minute. maybe this should've gone in the real confessions thread. either way, it was awkward.[close][close]
see, it takes me fucking forever to bust a nut. TV just makes me more distracted.
The girl i'm fucking now can go forever. Woke me up the other night and said "i'm awake. i don't want you to go to bed. round 4?" I was like damn. started smashing and she is dripping wet. so i flip her over and start slapping against her ass. I end up getting off too. So i pass out and she wakes me up again at 7am because she is leaving for work. She says "you've got 2 minutes. start fucking me now" I've got heart burn like a motherfucker from drinking JD all night, I'm ripping stank bombs from mixing the booze with hummus for dinner, and I'm trying to fucking sleep. I open my eyes, look around, and think to myself "fuck, what am I getting myself into?" We ended up fucking for a half or so. I had to pass out when she left though and I'm feeling old. hahah, I'm good with a couple sessions a week, you know? 4x in 14 hours just ain't where i'm at right now. i like to sleep.
I don't know if this is a good one to get into. Good in bed=crazy in the head... meh, i'll see how it goes[close]
Not all chicks that are good in the sack are crazy, but surely, almost ALL crazy ones are good in the bed. Kinda like all hatchbacks aren't station wagons....eh fuck it, you get the point.
My tolerance for crazy has actually grown wider throughout the years, so my advice to you, sir, is to blast through it until you're dealing with more drama than decent sex. Keep in mind though, I'm a complete idiot. Good luck on your future endeavors Steve.
Maybe 6 months ago I went out with the girl I'm currently boning and her friends. A couple of them weren't big drinkers so they kept pawning their sugary creeper drinks off to me. Ended up getting blackout drunk and puking in the parking lot. Went home with the girl I came with and we boned anyway. It had to have been pretty rough/sloppy because at one point I pull out my dick and the rubber broke, (fortunately I didn't bust and she took the plan b pill the next day anyway.)
A couple days later I'm at her house again and at some point she's sitting on my face/I'm going down (up?) on her. Before I realize what the hell's going on I feel something in my mouth. I take it out and it's the tip of the rubber. I place it aside slightly grossed out, yet continue to smash.
Probably desensitized from the ex-girlfriend that tried drugging me. That was a whole lot of crazy for one tiny girl.Expand QuoteDonkey Lips- you actually grew more accepting of the crazy?? That's unusual.? Do you have a reason?[close]
I responded with "I guess you eat pieces of shit".
Man id give her props for doing what she didI took her out to dinner to make up for it. She's a trooper.
OH THE PUNSANITY!!Expand QuoteI took her out to dinner to make up for it. She's a trooper.Expand QuoteMan id give her props for doing what she did[close][close]
Pooper trooper? It's corny, but it works.
Expand Quotei had this issue when i was younger.� fuck with the TV on...works wondersExpand QuoteI had sex for the first time a few weeks ago and lasted about a minute. maybe this should've gone in the real confessions thread. either way, it was awkward.[close][close]
"When I have sex, I'm always thinking about the pavement so I can avoid premature ejaculation."
not really awkward just creepy. I had sex with this girl last night and drove back home. When I woke up this morning she was on my computer in my house. It's been a while since I've had a stalker so I was kind of flattered.
if shes down to have sex with you and also stalking you then maybe you should see what else you can get out of her. tell her that when you get home from work you want your bed made, kitchen cleaned, and a beer cracked. chicks like her are usually down to do whatever it takes, so you might as well milk it for a while.She already cooks and buys me food. I think she thinks I have feelings for her, but she's trippin.
Tell her you want your asshole licked, but make sure you've got a nice dingleberry in there.
The girl I'm seeing right now is way too loud in bed. She basically screams "fuck me" and stuff like that on top of her lungs every time. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but she has lots of neighbors. I feel awkward when I run into her neighbors. She doesn't think too much of it.
Expand QuoteThe girl I'm seeing right now is way too loud in bed. She basically screams "fuck me" and stuff like that on top of her lungs every time. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but she has lots of neighbors. I feel awkward when I run into her neighbors. She doesn't think too much of it.[close]
im with a loud girl right now too and its pretty fun to cover her mouth while i fuck her. ive had my friend who lives directly underneath me say he has heard me smacking her ass haha.
This happened a few days ago to a homie and it simply trumps any stories of my own.
My friends apartment is that spot everyone goes to after they leave the bar at 4 am because there is always free booze and crazy happenings. It's on the second floor of a big house that has been converted into apartments. His cousin was in town from Florida and wound up scoring this mangy looking chick from the bar and getting her back to the house. They went straight from the front door right into the room he was crashing in to get down to business. About an hour and a half goes by and me and some people are out on the balcony (which is directly out the front door) when this girl comes lurking out. She was carrying her shoes like a scene from a bad party movie and she looked very surprised to see we were still up. But she bummed a cigarette off of me, joined the conversation and was being a pretty fucking cool chick. Turns out they fucked, he smoked her out, then he passed out and she was ready to dip. She says bye to everyone and starts to squeeze by to get downstairs. Now, the wood on the barrier for the balcony is just rotted to all hell and when this chick squeezes past me she leans on the balcony in the worst spot, it snaps, and she falls one story down to the fucking ground. We all snap back to reality and rush down to help her out. We call an ambulance and it turns out she broke her arm in three places, cracked two ribs, fucked her knee up and busted her face. We felt legitimately bad for this girl, until we found out that she tried to jet with the homies wallet and iphone. After she landed they just fell out of her purse and someone pointed out that she had two phones and a mans leather wallet. The ambulance hauled her away, we gave the paramedics her purse, minus some makeup that my friend's girl decided to keep, and walked upstairs and tried to wrap our head around the fact that this slag almost robbed this dude. Best part is the whole time this was going down he never woke up and still doesn't know he almost got robbed.
I'm about to lose my virginity in a few hours... I've been sucked up plenty, but it's been a while since I have had a sexual encounter. I'm expecting an awkward story. Any tips to make it maybe a little less awkward?
Ahaa, it works on two levels. That's great. No, she's slutty and she's 20 (I'm 17) and she's coming to my house and she's bringing condoms lol.Expand QuoteI'm about to lose my virginity in a few hours... I've been sucked up plenty, but it's been a while since I have had a sexual encounter. I'm expecting an awkward story. Any tips to make it maybe a little less awkward?[close]
or if she is more of a classy girl, come in a tux.
(http://www.weirdpalace.com/img/fun/unusual-condoms/unusual-condoms14.jpg)
I'm about to lose my virginity in a few hours... I've been sucked up plenty, but it's been a while since I have had a sexual encounter. I'm expecting an awkward story. Any tips to make it maybe a little less awkward?Explain you're a virgin. Then proceed to ask how you're going to fit your balls in as well. When she tells you they don't go in there, ask her if she wants them in her ass instead. When she says no, eat out her belly button until she agrees.
Wait.... You mean.... You're not supposed to put your balls in her butt?Explain you're a virgin. Then proceed to ask how you're going to fit your balls in as well. When she tells you they don't go in there, ask her if she wants them in her ass instead. When she says no, eat out her belly button until she agrees.Expand QuoteI'm about to lose my virginity in a few hours... I've been sucked up plenty, but it's been a while since I have had a sexual encounter. I'm expecting an awkward story. Any tips to make it maybe a little less awkward?[close]
So how'd it go? Did you bust out the NAC?Thanks for asking! It was pretty dope. Her body wasn't that great naked, so I felt less uncomfortable for some reason haha. All kinds of NBDs for me, I tried hitting the nac, but that one wasn't going. The run up was sketching me out
http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/05/26/2818832/naked-man-shot-killed-on-macarthur.html (http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/05/26/2818832/naked-man-shot-killed-on-macarthur.html)5 bucks says its bill o'reilly
Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!
Holler if u hear me!
Pump the fucking breaks.Expand QuoteCatching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!
Holler if u hear me![close]
Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?
Pump the fucking breaks.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteCatching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!
Holler if u hear me![close]
Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?[close]
Are there people who drink and fuck at the same time?
Pump the fucking breaks.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteCatching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!
Holler if u hear me![close]
Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?[close]
Are there people who drink and fuck at the same time?
I've done the wine on the bedside table. Never a hangover, but often woken up with purple gums. I've since switched to sex gatorade. It's important to keep hydrated.Expand QuotePump the fucking breaks.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteCatching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!
Holler if u hear me![close]
Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?[close]
Are there people who drink and fuck at the same time?[close]
During a very Bukowski influenced time in my life, I would usually have a magnum of wine next to the bed. I would take some quick swig breaks and get right back into it. It was also nice to have a big gulp after the deed was done. Fucking and drinking wine at the same time equals a hangover worthy of the act that caused it, thats for sure.
Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!
Holler if u hear me!
met a lady. exchanged numbers. she starts blowing my shit up. went to hangout at her friend's, walked into the wrong house. scared a random lady to death and, left just before the police showed up. had her come over a few days later. very attractive, seemed really mature. looked about 20. ended up being under-age. had to do it anyway. she had the flappy curtains of an old lady... shocker! still had to do it. got queefed on multiple times. this girl desperately needed to bleach her butt-hole. used a pack of rubbers. watched television for an hour or two, drove her home after getting fed up with racial slurs & the word 'yolo'. no calls were exchanged since. i guess this doesn't exactly qualify for the thread but, it was awkward & a sexual experience....Do you live in southern ohio? My friend's skeezy little sister sounds the same way...he says he's caught her doing shit like this a few times.
met a lady. exchanged numbers. she starts blowing my shit up. went to hangout at her friend's, walked into the wrong house. scared a random lady to death and, left just before the police showed up. had her come over a few days later. very attractive, seemed really mature. looked about 20. ended up being under-age. had to do it anyway. she had the flappy curtains of an old lady... shocker! still had to do it. got queefed on multiple times. this girl desperately needed to bleach her butt-hole. used a pack of rubbers. watched television for an hour or two, drove her home after getting fed up with racial slurs & the word 'yolo'. no calls were exchanged since. i guess this doesn't exactly qualify for the thread but, it was awkward & a sexual experience.
anytime a girl starts crying during/afterwards is awkward. My girlfriend has done this 3 times now and I just say fuck it and keep going.
okay...
been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....
hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.
Expand Quoteokay...
been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....
hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.[close]
What the fuck did I just read...?
Expand QuoteExpand Quoteokay...
been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....
hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.[close]
What the fuck did I just read...?[close]
that, my friend, is how people get herpes
Expand QuoteExpand Quoteokay...
been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....
hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.[close]
What the fuck did I just read...?[close]
that, my herpe, is why people have friends
How common is stealing among you guys if you know you'll never see the chick again? One chick turned me down because there was a love triangle involving her friend and she felt wrong. She went into her room and I snuck out, stealing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls along the way. Fast Forward a year later and she came to visit, was a shitty houseguest so I kicked her out at 3 AM, and I'm pretty sure she stole my free drink token. Not that she'd be able to use it anywhere, but that was a free beer. Ultimate cunt.I used to do this a lot. A girl I used to hook up with in college, I would always take food from her fridge after the deed was done. It started with just grabbing a beer for the walk back to my dorm. It quickly evolved into taking leftover meals and at one point, I took a full box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, because who isn't going to steal that delicious cereal. She didn't find out until she came to my dorm and saw a bunch of her tupperware dishes there. She wasn't stoked. She had been accusing her roommate of stealing food for weeks.
Somehow I ended up with a sombrero once too. I have no memory of how that happened. It's probably better that way.did you wear it on your real or your "lower" head?
I used to do this a lot. A girl I used to hook up with in college, I would always take food from her fridge after the deed was done. It started with just grabbing a beer for the walk back to my dorm. It quickly evolved into taking leftover meals and at one point, I took a full box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, because who isn't going to steal that delicious cereal. She didn't find out until she came to my dorm and saw a bunch of her tupperware dishes there. She wasn't stoked. She had been accusing her roommate of stealing food for weeks.Expand QuoteHow common is stealing among you guys if you know you'll never see the chick again? One chick turned me down because there was a love triangle involving her friend and she felt wrong. She went into her room and I snuck out, stealing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls along the way. Fast Forward a year later and she came to visit, was a shitty houseguest so I kicked her out at 3 AM, and I'm pretty sure she stole my free drink token. Not that she'd be able to use it anywhere, but that was a free beer. Ultimate cunt.[close]
This sort of thing became a tradition. At one point a few of my friends also developed a kind of competition in which taking home mementos from one nighter's became common. The most I'd gotten was a cordless phone from a girl's apartment. Scumbag me took the phone and just left the base. I can only imagine how long this girl must have searched her apartment to find the missing phone. Somehow I ended up with a sombrero once too. I have no memory of how that happened. It's probably better that way.
hey, so what about that time you and your homeboy touched dicks inside of that anarchist girls mouth. lololololExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quoteokay...
been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....
hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.[close]
What the fuck did I just read...?[close]
that, my friend, is how people get herpes[close]
haha I know this guy. He did some other shit like this recently
did i mention the part she was a 12/10???
While lying down jerking off in bed I've almost accidentally shot a load directly into my face on two separate occasions. Luckily they shot diagonal and soiled the pillow both times. I can't be the only dude on here that's had a close call like that. Real Confessions anyone?
Expand QuoteWhile lying down jerking off in bed I've almost accidentally shot a load directly into my face on two separate occasions. Luckily they shot diagonal and soiled the pillow both times. I can't be the only dude on here that's had a close call like that. Real Confessions anyone?[close]
Guilty
lay in bed staring at a 52" plasma buddy while shooting plasma all over mine own faceyou have a tv on your ceiling?!
apparently my friend did this and only found out where his seed had landed when he later drank from the cup on the shelf behind him... lolExpand QuoteExpand QuoteWhile lying down jerking off in bed I've almost accidentally shot a load directly into my face on two separate occasions. Luckily they shot diagonal and soiled the pillow both times. I can't be the only dude on here that's had a close call like that. Real Confessions anyone?[close]
Guilty[close]
The more startling part is that he has blood fluid in his semen.you have a tv on your ceiling?!Expand Quotelay in bed staring at a 52" plasma buddy while shooting plasma all over mine own face[close]
I'll be damned if after reading those stories I don't steal the next box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch I see out of a girls pantry.
This happened to my friend but every saturday morning he goes over to this chicks house to fuck her while her parents are working. So after he does the deed he takes of his condom ties it up but doesnt want to put it in the bin incase her parents see it or something, so he puts it in his pocket to put it in the bin outside. So later that day he goes and gets a haircut and when he goes to grab his wallet, the condom flings out across the hairdressers and lands directly in the middle of the store with everyone seeing it. So he quickly runs and grabs it and still has to pay for the hair cut by card so i guess he is awkardly standing there while everyone is thinking what the fuck just happened. He told me he went to the same hairdressers like a couple of months later, he has heaps of other funny sex stories
Nah legit man.Expand QuoteThis happened to my friend but every saturday morning he goes over to this chicks house to fuck her while her parents are working. So after he does the deed he takes of his condom ties it up but doesnt want to put it in the bin incase her parents see it or something, so he puts it in his pocket to put it in the bin outside. So later that day he goes and gets a haircut and when he goes to grab his wallet, the condom flings out across the hairdressers and lands directly in the middle of the store with everyone seeing it. So he quickly runs and grabs it and still has to pay for the hair cut by card so i guess he is awkardly standing there while everyone is thinking what the fuck just happened. He told me he went to the same hairdressers like a couple of months later, he has heaps of other funny sex stories[close]
Sounds like a right bonkers mate
Anyone want to paint themselves blue and make some memories?
(http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maaya5AN0b1qzogkuo1_500.jpg)
this girl gets on my nerves...Magnolia | Tom Cruise | Frank T.J. Mackie | Respect The Cock Tame The Cunt Scene [HD] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbanWHx5AFQ#ws)
her personality is just so fucking one sided to what she thinks that it's impossible to get through to her for anything other than what she wants to hear.
anyways, she's pretty bad (sexy and all thick in the right places) and her pussy was nice.
we fucked before in her shower.
anyways, i'm trying to maneuver a quick heem sesh in her room right now and she's telling me that she's "trapped in her feelings" right now. and when i asked about what happened to chilling, she didn't even really read it and kind of just answered me as if she didn't understand me. (this bitch won't answer the phone, but she'll answer texts. fucking new generation..)
that's that shit i don't like. the annoyingness of bitches who think their philosophy is all encompassing and can be used to control dudes. lol.
nice, your girl wouldnt let you take off your pants?+1
Pocket called my dad during sex.
At home now trying to avoid eye contact.
this girl gets on my nerves...
her personality is just so fucking one sided to what she thinks that it's impossible to get through to her for anything other than what she wants to hear.
anyways, she's pretty bad (sexy and all thick in the right places) and her pussy was nice.
we fucked before in her shower.
anyways, i'm trying to maneuver a quick heem sesh in her room right now and she's telling me that she's "trapped in her feelings" right now. and when i asked about what happened to chilling, she didn't even really read it and kind of just answered me as if she didn't understand me. (this bitch won't answer the phone, but she'll answer texts. fucking new generation..)
that's that shit i don't like. the annoyingness of bitches who think their philosophy is all encompassing and can be used to control dudes. lol.
it was the pocket, the 'back' one
Expand Quoteit was the pocket, the 'back' one[close]
You keep your phone inside your ass?
While lying down jerking off in bed I've almost accidentally shot a load directly into my face on two separate occasions. Luckily they shot diagonal and soiled the pillow both times. I can't be the only dude on here that's had a close call like that. Real Confessions anyone?
Due to popular demand, I will be posting my real life porno double blowjob story in the next day or so. Its only gay if balls touch right?
Being asked about my religious beliefs while making out.
See ya.
Expand QuoteBeing asked about my religious beliefs while making out.
See ya.[close]
haha, feeling you.
Being asked about my religious beliefs while making out.
See ya.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteBeing asked about my religious beliefs while making out.
See ya.[close]
haha, feeling you.[close]
ask her if she is christian, then "nail her to the cross".
banging in the local grimey pizza joint's bathroom
banging on my friends living room couch surrounded by 9 people sleeping on the floor
handjob while my girl was driving and a friend in the backseat (multiple times)
nothing super craze.
Expand Quotebanging in the local grimey pizza joint's bathroom
banging on my friends living room couch surrounded by 9 people sleeping on the floor
handjob while my girl was driving and a friend in the backseat (multiple times)
nothing super craze.[close]
how the fuck does that work? bench front seat, buddy napping on a road trip? If I was the friend I'd make her crash before I let that go down.
so me and this girl have been pretty tight for like two years now, one of those situations where dude is madly in love with the girl but ol girl is not really havin it like that. so over the summer we're kickin it alot because we both stayed on campus and shit, i drunkenly profess my love on several occations and subtly put in some friendzone elimination work.
so Das racist comes in to town and hes got this rapper from Houston, Fat Tony with him, I know some peeps who are cool with the dude from high school and me and girl end up smokin and drinkin wit Heems and fat tony. by now shes drunk as shit and super impressed by my ostensible connections. for a moment I was that Nigga.
so we're chillin at her crib and its like 4am. we in the same bed and shit and we get on some cuddle game, i should note that up to this point i was on the bitch route as a cuddle buddy for some time. but all of a sudden jesus comes down and gives me an in. she takes my hand and puts it over her left tit. oh glorius left tit that had been the forbidden kingdom for so long...at this point im activated all systems are go and ima get whats mine. I proceed to go from neck down to navel and make the most crucial error any man has made in history. i go from naval up to lips (i often do this to build anticipation in the girl) but this time it was a fatal error. full boner and all i hear the most crushing words a man could hear
"I cant kiss you,ahh this is too weird now"
i blew it. and then returned to cuddling like a bitch fully erect penis and all. I dont talk to this girl much anymore...
barack, in about 10 years I want to do your daughter. she's hot
barack, in about 10 years I want to do your daughter. she's hot
my friends girlfriend
do you mean a real friend or just a dude you've known and have kicked it with a couple times?Expand Quotemy friends girlfriend[close]
damn, your a fucking tool
I thought the awkward part of the story would be trying to decide whether or not to fuck your friend's slutty girlfriend. I guess "the Illusion" has no qualms about such things.I must have miss typed. it was my friends girlfriends freind
I must have miss typed. it was my friends girlfriends freindExpand QuoteI thought the awkward part of the story would be trying to decide whether or not to fuck your friend's slutty girlfriend. I guess "the Illusion" has no qualms about such things.[close]
Expand Quoteso me and this girl have been pretty tight for like two years now, one of those situations where dude is madly in love with the girl but ol girl is not really havin it like that. so over the summer we're kickin it alot because we both stayed on campus and shit, i drunkenly profess my love on several occations and subtly put in some friendzone elimination work.
so Das racist comes in to town and hes got this rapper from Houston, Fat Tony with him, I know some peeps who are cool with the dude from high school and me and girl end up smokin and drinkin wit Heems and fat tony. by now shes drunk as shit and super impressed by my ostensible connections. for a moment I was that Nigga.
so we're chillin at her crib and its like 4am. we in the same bed and shit and we get on some cuddle game, i should note that up to this point i was on the bitch route as a cuddle buddy for some time. but all of a sudden jesus comes down and gives me an in. she takes my hand and puts it over her left tit. oh glorius left tit that had been the forbidden kingdom for so long...at this point im activated all systems are go and ima get whats mine. I proceed to go from neck down to navel and make the most crucial error any man has made in history. i go from naval up to lips (i often do this to build anticipation in the girl) but this time it was a fatal error. full boner and all i hear the most crushing words a man could hear
"I cant kiss you,ahh this is too weird now"
i blew it. and then returned to cuddling like a bitch fully erect penis and all. I dont talk to this girl much anymore...[close]
"cuddle buddy"? you have zero chance of having sex with this girl, no not never
has there been stories of those weird mannequin people?Expand QuoteExpand Quoteso me and this girl have been pretty tight for like two years now, one of those situations where dude is madly in love with the girl but ol girl is not really havin it like that. so over the summer we're kickin it alot because we both stayed on campus and shit, i drunkenly profess my love on several occations and subtly put in some friendzone elimination work.
so Das racist comes in to town and hes got this rapper from Houston, Fat Tony with him, I know some peeps who are cool with the dude from high school and me and girl end up smokin and drinkin wit Heems and fat tony. by now shes drunk as shit and super impressed by my ostensible connections. for a moment I was that Nigga.
so we're chillin at her crib and its like 4am. we in the same bed and shit and we get on some cuddle game, i should note that up to this point i was on the bitch route as a cuddle buddy for some time. but all of a sudden jesus comes down and gives me an in. she takes my hand and puts it over her left tit. oh glorius left tit that had been the forbidden kingdom for so long...at this point im activated all systems are go and ima get whats mine. I proceed to go from neck down to navel and make the most crucial error any man has made in history. i go from naval up to lips (i often do this to build anticipation in the girl) but this time it was a fatal error. full boner and all i hear the most crushing words a man could hear
"I cant kiss you,ahh this is too weird now"
i blew it. and then returned to cuddling like a bitch fully erect penis and all. I dont talk to this girl much anymore...[close]
"cuddle buddy"? you have zero chance of having sex with this girl, no not never[close]
At least he's touching an actual girl, Right? That's still kind of a win.
yea the vitamin c should get the job done, not to worry
Did you ever get tested solo? Do you have a venereal?
What the fuck, man. I'm right here.
human condom..Expand QuoteDid you ever get tested solo? Do you have a venereal?[close]
I know this guy, he fucks with high school girls
lol.
oh, and the first girl i heemed was some bakery prodigy 19 year old
yeah i setup a hidden camera and filmed her fisheye when we'd have crazy sessions in the bakery. we'd make a real mess of the place after hours.Expand Quoteoh, and the first girl i heemed was some bakery prodigy 19 year old[close]
I want to hear about this. And is there a video of her baking?
U also did a hit and run u piece of shitfuck, hit and run is a dick move....
and once i dated a girl for two yearsmy god dude. That's harsh.
for valentines day she cooked me dinner
i chopped the habaneros cause i love spicy food
after i clean up the table i'm greeted by lingerie and candles
i start fingering her and she starts crying...
had i washed my hands maybe we would still be together
new post in awkward sexual experiences. okay.Sorry to disappoint. I've had a dry spell as of late. Here's an oldie
its jimi. oh god oh god oh god i am excited.
he just responds to something.
disappointment, thy name be jimi.
i've only slept with 3 girls since last november. It's like I'm a virgin again.no
i was about to lose my virginity
too nervous to buy condoms over the counter
so i went to a bathroom vending machine
things get heated and she opens up my purchase
...it turned out to be lube >_<
I may have a few...
Fuckin my ex girlfriend, shit is going soo nice, chick is sooo fucking wet.? In my head I am thinking, "Yeahhhh, you like that don't ya, bitch."? We go to switch positions and their is a river of blood all over my dick, balls, and pubes.? It was like someone dumped a can of red paint on my junk.? I scream and blackout.? (jk, but I did scream).? She was super embarrassed about the whole thing.? Kinda funny now that i think back on it.? Super gross though.
Bangin this Goth chick, decent looking, nice body, too much makeup.? Here is the kicker though.? She has epilepsy.? Like the seizure shit.? So, the whole time I am railing her, I am thinking, fuckkkk, what if she has a seizure.? Imagine, I have to like call an ambulance and she is just like there ass propped up foaming at the mouth, with me and my dick in my hand.? Shit wouldve been the worst.? She takes meds for it, but late at night and after drankin, she is more prone to have them.? So, suffice to say, it wasn't my best performance.? Also, the meds made her pussy not the wettest.? I don't know why, researched it though, and people with epilepsy have said the same thing.? So, I had to work at that shit for awhile to get her going.? I am to lazy for that.? I just want to nut.? All in all, it wasn't the most enjoyable sex of my life.
I have a couple more if any of you want to read, but yeah, whatevs.? ? This thread is gold for the record.
^^ it is possible to foam at the mouth when having a seizure. Yes, it is over dramatized in movies, but it is possible. Get your shit straight.Sure it's possible, but it's far from typical. I'm a national registry EMT. My shit is probably straighter than yours.
Also, chuckfullofthat, I am 24, and every experience I have had with period blood has been unpleasant as fuck. I don't know what sort of blood fetish shit you are into, but I do not fucks with that.
Sure it's possible, but it's far from typical. I'm a national registry EMT. My shit is probably straighter than yours.Expand Quote^^ it is possible to foam at the mouth when having a seizure. Yes, it is over dramatized in movies, but it is possible. Get your shit straight.
Also, chuckfullofthat, I am 24, and every experience I have had with period blood has been unpleasant as fuck. I don't know what sort of blood fetish shit you are into, but I do not fucks with that.[close]
I think I told this but I ate my gf's pussy a few days before her period was supposed to start.instead it started in my mouth. I knew she'd freak out and feel embarassed so I kept goin but there was some thick thick dark viscous blood, I lost my rhythm and she looked down and it was all over.
Expand QuoteI think I told this but I ate my gf's pussy a few days before her period was supposed to start.instead it started in my mouth. I knew she'd freak out and feel embarassed so I kept goin but there was some thick thick dark viscous blood, I lost my rhythm and she looked down and it was all over.[close]
That fucking upset me. lol
tried to bang my girl in the parking garage at the va hospital next to ft miley on new years eve day. she got a random period and got blood all over my car. sucked. we walked around after and i think i saw greg carroll with his family.You should have told him all about it. Something makes me think he isn't completely new to situations like this.
later that night i got to stick it in her butt, in a friend of a friends bed. but then my cum leaked out everywhere cause we were too wasted to deal with the post-coital clean up. sorry dude. this was after i threw up in said dude's garbage can in the room. again, sorry dude.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI think I told this but I ate my gf's pussy a few days before her period was supposed to start.instead it started in my mouth. I knew she'd freak out and feel embarassed so I kept goin but there was some thick thick dark viscous blood, I lost my rhythm and she looked down and it was all over.[close]
That fucking upset me. lol[close]
getting your red wings! Hells Angels are all about it. I think tantric tradition might be interested as well.
I don't know, none of that bothers me all that much. I'm not saying that it's particularly nice but it's not like getting poop on your tongue.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI think I told this but I ate my gf's pussy a few days before her period was supposed to start.instead it started in my mouth. I knew she'd freak out and feel embarassed so I kept goin but there was some thick thick dark viscous blood, I lost my rhythm and she looked down and it was all over.[close]
That fucking upset me. lol[close]
getting your red wings! Hells Angels are all about it. I think tantric tradition might be interested as well.
I don't know, none of that bothers me all that much. I'm not saying that it's particularly nice but it's not like getting poop on your tongue.[close]
Dude, it is blood on ur tongue.? Like viscous period blood on your tongue.? Poop would be terrible, but like fuck.? They are both horrendous.? You are killing me bro. fuck lol
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI think I told this but I ate my gf's pussy a few days before her period was supposed to start.instead it started in my mouth. I knew she'd freak out and feel embarassed so I kept goin but there was some thick thick dark viscous blood, I lost my rhythm and she looked down and it was all over.[close]
That fucking upset me. lol[close]
getting your red wings! Hells Angels are all about it. I think tantric tradition might be interested as well.
I don't know, none of that bothers me all that much. I'm not saying that it's particularly nice but it's not like getting poop on your tongue.[close]
Dude, it is blood on ur tongue.? Like viscous period blood on your tongue.? Poop would be terrible, but like fuck.? They are both horrendous.? You are killing me bro. fuck lol[close]
Na im definately with Steve on this one. Tounging poo would be way worse! I mis-timed an oral sesh with my fiance once and got a taste of the menstrual martini.. its not awful! obviously it aint nice, im not gonna be dipping tampons in my water like some kinda vampire teabag.. but its not that bad.. whereas the thought of even tasting a hint of jobby makes me gag
I honestly like the taste of blood. Though, I don't know if menstrual blood taste different because it's not really blood. One thing is for sure, in no way could I ever imagine enjoying the taste of shit.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI think I told this but I ate my gf's pussy a few days before her period was supposed to start.instead it started in my mouth. I knew she'd freak out and feel embarassed so I kept goin but there was some thick thick dark viscous blood, I lost my rhythm and she looked down and it was all over.[close]
That fucking upset me. lol[close]
getting your red wings! Hells Angels are all about it. I think tantric tradition might be interested as well.
I don't know, none of that bothers me all that much. I'm not saying that it's particularly nice but it's not like getting poop on your tongue.[close]
Dude, it is blood on ur tongue.? Like viscous period blood on your tongue.? Poop would be terrible, but like fuck.? They are both horrendous.? You are killing me bro. fuck lol[close]
Na im definately with Steve on this one. Tounging poo would be way worse! I mis-timed an oral sesh with my fiance once and got a taste of the menstrual martini.. its not awful! obviously it aint nice, im not gonna be dipping tampons in my water like some kinda vampire teabag.. but its not that bad.. whereas the thought of even tasting a hint of jobby makes me gag
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI think I told this but I ate my gf's pussy a few days before her period was supposed to start.instead it started in my mouth. I knew she'd freak out and feel embarassed so I kept goin but there was some thick thick dark viscous blood, I lost my rhythm and she looked down and it was all over.[close]
That fucking upset me. lol[close]
getting your red wings! Hells Angels are all about it. I think tantric tradition might be interested as well.
I don't know, none of that bothers me all that much. I'm not saying that it's particularly nice but it's not like getting poop on your tongue.[close]
so what's that like? Is it like eating a stale chocolate chip? Were you doing some deep mining or was it right by the door?
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI think I told this but I ate my gf's pussy a few days before her period was supposed to start.instead it started in my mouth. I knew she'd freak out and feel embarassed so I kept goin but there was some thick thick dark viscous blood, I lost my rhythm and she looked down and it was all over.[close]
That fucking upset me. lol[close]
getting your red wings! Hells Angels are all about it. I think tantric tradition might be interested as well.
I don't know, none of that bothers me all that much. I'm not saying that it's particularly nice but it's not like getting poop on your tongue.[close]
so what's that like? Is it like eating a stale chocolate chip? Were you doing some deep mining or was it right by the door?[close]
deep mining, hah!
Although I've been with some ladies who like the chute cleaned, I haven't tasted the turd.
Menstrual fluid just isn't that gnarly. Think about the smell of shit on your finger after a heinous wipe and that should be enough. I knew this girl Amy in NC who wanted me to shit on her chest and despite being wasted I couldn't bring the boston pancake to Greensboro.
Did you actually try? I could see myself wasted agreeing to it and not being able to deliver.
Sure shes no porta potty but tell me you don't shit on porcelain everydayExpand QuoteDid you actually try? I could see myself wasted agreeing to it and not being able to deliver.[close]
Nah, man. I got into some weird shit while I was down there, but decimating the chest of a girl with anal spray from PBR, spicy papusas, and Cook-Out trays (religious themed fast food) was not an option. I had a bad track record at that time in that, because I was such a grimy dirtbag, after a girl hooked up with me, I'd lose all respect and stop talking with her. Amy was different thought... I slept on the couch of the house her junky boyfriend lived at, she bought fed me 2x/day, gave road head, foot massages with lotion, bought cases of beer, and dressed like Betty Paige. The first time we screwed was in front of her parents McMansion, in my car. The next day I looked down at my junk and saw two black and blue marks. I freaked out for a bit until realizing they were bruises from her lip rings. each side of her vag was pierced. tongue, nipples, and clit too.
Just way too classy to poop on... ;D
Sure shes no porta potty but tell me you don't shit on porcelain everydayExpand QuoteExpand QuoteDid you actually try? I could see myself wasted agreeing to it and not being able to deliver.[close]
Nah, man. I got into some weird shit while I was down there, but decimating the chest of a girl with anal spray from PBR, spicy papusas, and Cook-Out trays (religious themed fast food) was not an option. I had a bad track record at that time in that, because I was such a grimy dirtbag, after a girl hooked up with me, I'd lose all respect and stop talking with her. Amy was different thought... I slept on the couch of the house her junky boyfriend lived at, she bought fed me 2x/day, gave road head, foot massages with lotion, bought cases of beer, and dressed like Betty Paige. The first time we screwed was in front of her parents McMansion, in my car. The next day I looked down at my junk and saw two black and blue marks. I freaked out for a bit until realizing they were bruises from her lip rings. each side of her vag was pierced. tongue, nipples, and clit too.
Just way too classy to poop on... ;D[close]
lurked this thread since the beginning but only posting now to keep it from being lost:ddddaaaaaammmnnnn :D
so i'm hitting it with a non lubricated condom (hers, not mine; why do those things exist?) and had to stop after a while because at a certain point, after she claimed to have came, she dried up and it was too painful for her. for me, it was more so just like... not great. my dick was a little sore after, but in the moment i was more concerned about not going to class blue balled. i was racking my brain for every turn on i could think of that i have so i could finish asap but she called time of death before i had the chance. no blue balls though somehow, i've yet to actually ever have them.
that's the most awkward part of the story, but it continues to later that night:
she came over to my house and we drank and smoked. we went to my room and she starts giving me head but i end up having to take a piss not long into it, from the alcohol and weed, but i wasn't sure she'd be down for me to go take a piss and then suck my dick some more, so i decided to tough it out for a while. unfortunately, the urge to piss grew exponentially, so i couldn't fully enjoy it. here's where the awkwardness comes in: after a while she's ready to fuck so i break to take a piss, come back, hit it raw... and bust within like 10 minutes. the contrast between the feeling of raw compared to the earlier struggle sex, and to the struggle bj, and combined with my body being more sensitive from being high, i just couldn't hang. it was less awkward than the earlier situation since i had intoxication to soften the blow, and also the fact that she finished earlier and i didn't. the latter fact makes this memory one of my favorites, shit is like poetic justice.
Im a long time lurker also, this thread has given me so much time to give some back, I have a couple of good stories but this one is always a good talking point. this is how the events unfold.
I live in Brisbane, Australia. This happened about April 2011, was just before i turned 20.One night me and a few mates decide to hit the city. No big deal have some beers get drunk. I actually remember this night going exceptionally well and kissed some random 40 yr old in the casino. So we were all pretty confident after that and decide to hit the backpacker bar up, Notorious for cheap drinks and loose foreign pussy. I ended up meeting an American girl from some Southern state. She was nothing too special but bought me drinks and spent the rest of the night hooking up with her but didnt take her home because i was living with my parents. But i ended up getting her number.
At the time I met her I was on a bit of a lucky streak with pussy so i never pursued. She kept wanting to hang but I just flaked her off for better things.
Until about 6 weeks later my lucky streak well ran dry and I got horny. I ended up texting her and inviting her out to the beach. First time i saw her since the night i met her, so went to the beach with her and another American girl. Nothing happened just general chit chat, and I wasnt overly happy with how she looked sober and in a bikini, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
The next night me and a buddy decided to go out to the city and go drinking and she texted me that night saying she was there, i met up with her and she was drunk as was I. My friend was talking to some girls he knew who invited us all over to theres for drinks and spa including my American girl so I though why not. We jump in a cab on the way there and they called and flaked us so I said to my friend and the girl lets go to mine. This was my mistake. I lived with my parents and my dads friend was also staying with us.
We get home, my mate goes to bed pretty much straight away and the girl walks to my bed, so I was like fuck yeah its on. Everyone else is asleep. I get her into bed, kissing her up her neck. ya know being the romantic cunt to get them horny. I started fingering her after a bit she says stop, IM ON MY PERIOD,
the room was dark so i used my phone to look at my fingers, i had no blood on them. I was drunk and horny, and very stupid. so kept going, she kept putting up resistance about it and i kept saying its ok. next thing she jumps on me and slides my dick into her raw. I pumped her for about 10 seconds and thought fuck this and put a condom on.
So we starting fucking in the dark for prob bout half hour or so. I made her cum then I came. I was happy got some pussy all good.
Soon as i came she gets up and goes to the bath room and im stiing in the dark with the dom still on being stoked. A few months before i fucked a chick and never made such a puddle on the mattress from her cuming and feeling my bed i though i had done the same.
So i turn the light on to admire my penis thrusting skills. I stood in absolute horror. me bedroom looked like a murder scene.
I had the biggest puddle of blood soaked through three sheets onto my mattress. my parents had just put thousands of dollars of new white carpet in the house. And now there was a blood trail on it from my bedroom to the bathroom that had leaked out of her front bum.
Where she had stood up to hop out of the bed looked like someone had been stabbed on the floor and now the aroma of clotty period blood takes over and im freaking out becuase my parents will be up in a few hours.
Im covered in blood and feeling so sick, she comes back to the room just apologising saying shes going home. i lay there waiting for the cab she said she called with her to get her the fuck out of my house, i fall asleep wake up at about 5am she is still in my bed.
I grab my bed sheets wrap them in a bag and go wake my mate who is asleep upstairs. i say you gotta drive her to the train station.
So i have this bag on my back full of period blooded sheets and clothes, and my friend or the girl doesnt know how to get to the train station so i have to show them. just as we were leaving about 5.30 am my parents and dads friend wake up and come downstairs, next thing i know they catch me leaving and ask who is this and try having a conversation with her. As i they are talking to her while im trying to scurry her out of the house. i notice she has blood all over her clothes and down her legs. i freak out grab her and leave. the car ride smelt worst than a dead body . my mate knew straight away that she was bleeding and drove with all the windows down on a cold winter to help mask the smell. i kick her out at the train station covered in blood and stinks, she is so embarrassed i couldnt give a fuck.
I get my bag full of soiled goods and throw my good sheets and clothes in the bin and the corner store, theres no way they were washinf out. I get home there is still blood everywhere and downstairs stinks.
I dont know how to fix this so I do what any self respecting male does and tells his mother he just fucked a chick on her period and his room looks like a scene from csi. i scrub the floors and flip my mattress over so the blood is on the other side(which is still like it now) get three portable fans and put them all on high to air out my bedroom. now i had to get out of the house me and my mate go to the beach so i can wash the blood off me due to me still not having a shower.
I get home that night and noticed mum and cleaned the floors with carpet cleaner and cleaned the bathroom of her bloody gash.
My mum is cool and sometimes jokes about it to me still, but she still asks me where her nice white sheets are. I told her i took them to a friends house and left them there they got lost. She made me buy her new ones. My room stunk of absolute worst violent smell of blood and shame for weeks
and yes i fucked her again, prob about another 15 times. That is maybe the most awkward part, and there is more awkward stories following because of her, she has pretty much put me off American girls till I get proved otherwise
Expand QuoteIm a long time lurker also, this thread has given me so much time to give some back, I have a couple of good stories but this one is always a good talking point. this is how the events unfold.
I live in Brisbane, Australia. This happened about April 2011, was just before i turned 20.One night me and a few mates decide to hit the city. No big deal have some beers get drunk. I actually remember this night going exceptionally well and kissed some random 40 yr old in the casino. So we were all pretty confident after that and decide to hit the backpacker bar up, Notorious for cheap drinks and loose foreign pussy. I ended up meeting an American girl from some Southern state. She was nothing too special but bought me drinks and spent the rest of the night hooking up with her but didnt take her home because i was living with my parents. But i ended up getting her number.
At the time I met her I was on a bit of a lucky streak with pussy so i never pursued. She kept wanting to hang but I just flaked her off for better things.
Until about 6 weeks later my lucky streak well ran dry and I got horny. I ended up texting her and inviting her out to the beach. First time i saw her since the night i met her, so went to the beach with her and another American girl. Nothing happened just general chit chat, and I wasnt overly happy with how she looked sober and in a bikini, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
The next night me and a buddy decided to go out to the city and go drinking and she texted me that night saying she was there, i met up with her and she was drunk as was I. My friend was talking to some girls he knew who invited us all over to theres for drinks and spa including my American girl so I though why not. We jump in a cab on the way there and they called and flaked us so I said to my friend and the girl lets go to mine. This was my mistake. I lived with my parents and my dads friend was also staying with us.
We get home, my mate goes to bed pretty much straight away and the girl walks to my bed, so I was like fuck yeah its on. Everyone else is asleep. I get her into bed, kissing her up her neck. ya know being the romantic cunt to get them horny. I started fingering her after a bit she says stop, IM ON MY PERIOD,
the room was dark so i used my phone to look at my fingers, i had no blood on them. I was drunk and horny, and very stupid. so kept going, she kept putting up resistance about it and i kept saying its ok. next thing she jumps on me and slides my dick into her raw. I pumped her for about 10 seconds and thought fuck this and put a condom on.
So we starting fucking in the dark for prob bout half hour or so. I made her cum then I came. I was happy got some pussy all good.
Soon as i came she gets up and goes to the bath room and im stiing in the dark with the dom still on being stoked. A few months before i fucked a chick and never made such a puddle on the mattress from her cuming and feeling my bed i though i had done the same.
So i turn the light on to admire my penis thrusting skills. I stood in absolute horror. me bedroom looked like a murder scene.
I had the biggest puddle of blood soaked through three sheets onto my mattress. my parents had just put thousands of dollars of new white carpet in the house. And now there was a blood trail on it from my bedroom to the bathroom that had leaked out of her front bum.
Where she had stood up to hop out of the bed looked like someone had been stabbed on the floor and now the aroma of clotty period blood takes over and im freaking out becuase my parents will be up in a few hours.
Im covered in blood and feeling so sick, she comes back to the room just apologising saying shes going home. i lay there waiting for the cab she said she called with her to get her the fuck out of my house, i fall asleep wake up at about 5am she is still in my bed.
I grab my bed sheets wrap them in a bag and go wake my mate who is asleep upstairs. i say you gotta drive her to the train station.
So i have this bag on my back full of period blooded sheets and clothes, and my friend or the girl doesnt know how to get to the train station so i have to show them. just as we were leaving about 5.30 am my parents and dads friend wake up and come downstairs, next thing i know they catch me leaving and ask who is this and try having a conversation with her. As i they are talking to her while im trying to scurry her out of the house. i notice she has blood all over her clothes and down her legs. i freak out grab her and leave. the car ride smelt worst than a dead body . my mate knew straight away that she was bleeding and drove with all the windows down on a cold winter to help mask the smell. i kick her out at the train station covered in blood and stinks, she is so embarrassed i couldnt give a fuck.
I get my bag full of soiled goods and throw my good sheets and clothes in the bin and the corner store, theres no way they were washinf out. I get home there is still blood everywhere and downstairs stinks.
I dont know how to fix this so I do what any self respecting male does and tells his mother he just fucked a chick on her period and his room looks like a scene from csi. i scrub the floors and flip my mattress over so the blood is on the other side(which is still like it now) get three portable fans and put them all on high to air out my bedroom. now i had to get out of the house me and my mate go to the beach so i can wash the blood off me due to me still not having a shower.
I get home that night and noticed mum and cleaned the floors with carpet cleaner and cleaned the bathroom of her bloody gash.
My mum is cool and sometimes jokes about it to me still, but she still asks me where her nice white sheets are. I told her i took them to a friends house and left them there they got lost. She made me buy her new ones. My room stunk of absolute worst violent smell of blood and shame for weeks
and yes i fucked her again, prob about another 15 times. That is maybe the most awkward part, and there is more awkward stories following because of her, she has pretty much put me off American girls till I get proved otherwise[close]
awesome story, dude!
I don't know if I've posted this in here but here it goes...
Years back, maybe 2009 or 08, when I was working in group homes, most of my coworkers were young women who, like me, weren't in school. So, we'd get together after work, get wasted, tell stories about the crazy kids we worked with, and fuck. In my first few years working there I got laid a lot. Anyhow, most of the girls I met were bat shit nutty. I became a firm believer in "good in bed, crazy in the head."
I'd starting hooking up with this girl Alainna. She was unhealthily thin, worked out too much, had huuuuge fake tits, and drank hard. She would binge for weeks, stop drinking, get some Bible verse tattooed, and a week later start getting wasted again. I spent a good summer hitting it. Although she was a headache, she and her older, drunker sister, had a place, plenty of booze, etc. Shit got real hectic sometimes. Her sister once walked into the bedroom when Alainna was passed out on the living room floor, naked, and crawled into bed with me, rubbing her nakedness all over me. Walked into the shower with me once as well.
We would be going at it and she would start yelling shit like "no! I'm not going to let you make me come. punch me in the face!" The situations just got more and more disastrous. Late night phone calls would ring from 2-6am and, at many points, I had to shut my phone off. Mind you, I still had to work with this girl.
If I didn't hear from her for a while I'd assume it was because she either went off the deep end or was back in church. It'd been a long time, maybe 6 months, and i get a message from her saying that she wanted to return to me a Gorilla Biscuits hoodie that I'd owned since middle school. I agreed to retrieve it. At this time, she was living with her mom, who was a Christ-Nazi. Alainna had put on some serious poundage but still had this cute freckled Irish face, blue eyes, and long, curly black hair. It didn't take much for her to coerce me into coming upstairs. We get up there, she locks the door of her room, and we start banging. It was ok until she started saying "I miss you. I really love you. I'm sorry." Either way, I keep going with it until falling asleep.
Sometime later her mom UNLOCKS the fucking bedroom door and yells "WHO IS THIS MAN IN MY HOUSE! WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL." I jump out of bed and try to get dressed, Alainna then gets up, pushes her mom out of the door way, slams the door, and blocks it with her dresser, leaving me stuck between hell and high water. Right there, she starts trying to blow me. I sat there in one of the most uncomfortable positions I'd ever experienced, waiting for her mom to go to church.
Making it even worse were the messages I'd get from her sister in weeks ensuing this debacle which read to the effect of "you should really talk with her. She's going through a lot." "Don't be an asshole." "blah blah blah"
Never got my hoody back.
lurked this thread since the beginning but only posting now to keep it from being lost:
so i'm hitting it with a non lubricated condom (hers, not mine; why do those things exist?) and had to stop after a while because at a certain point, after she claimed to have came, she dried up and it was too painful for her. for me, it was more so just like... not great. my dick was a little sore after, but in the moment i was more concerned about not going to class blue balled. i was racking my brain for every turn on i could think of that i have so i could finish asap but she called time of death before i had the chance. no blue balls though somehow, i've yet to actually ever have them.
that's the most awkward part of the story, but it continues to later that night:
she came over to my house and we drank and smoked. we went to my room and she starts giving me head but i end up having to take a piss not long into it, from the alcohol and weed, but i wasn't sure she'd be down for me to go take a piss and then suck my dick some more, so i decided to tough it out for a while. unfortunately, the urge to piss grew exponentially, so i couldn't fully enjoy it. here's where the awkwardness comes in: after a while she's ready to fuck so i break to take a piss, come back, hit it raw... and bust within like 10 minutes. the contrast between the feeling of raw compared to the earlier struggle sex, and to the struggle bj, and combined with my body being more sensitive from being high, i just couldn't hang. it was less awkward than the earlier situation since i had intoxication to soften the blow, and also the fact that she finished earlier and i didn't. the latter fact makes this memory one of my favorites, shit is like poetic justice.
eating bloody pussy is always awkward too especially when your beards already red and it dyes it darker
eating bloody pussy is always awkward too especially when your beards already red and it dyes it darkerisn't that why you have beards? free beard rides for all ladies.
not quite a sexual experience, but was pretty awkward and belongs here.maybe you could have celebrated by showing each other your test results. get it on worry free
while ago now and decided I should go to the clinic and get piss and blood test and all that cause id had some unprotected sex with questionable girls. While I was there, there was the hottest chick. like a 10/10 but when she is in the clinic to get her cunt tested there is something that drops her down ya know to like a 9 or something. But yea she was hot and was a weird feeling cause I would not sure if I would tap because shes at the clinic.
But anyway bout an hour later after the tests I was at a food court about 10 min drive away, I glance up and there she was. she was no joke a 10/10 so theres heaps of dudes checking her out. Then she glances at me. We have the most awkward eye to eye contact that lasted forever. because she knows where i have been and i know where she had been only an hour earlier.
Spoiler alert, all tests can back negative.
maybe you could have celebrated by showing each other your test results. get it on worry freeExpand Quotenot quite a sexual experience, but was pretty awkward and belongs here.
while ago now and decided I should go to the clinic and get piss and blood test and all that cause id had some unprotected sex with questionable girls. While I was there, there was the hottest chick. like a 10/10 but when she is in the clinic to get her cunt tested there is something that drops her down ya know to like a 9 or something. But yea she was hot and was a weird feeling cause I would not sure if I would tap because shes at the clinic.
But anyway bout an hour later after the tests I was at a food court about 10 min drive away, I glance up and there she was. she was no joke a 10/10 so theres heaps of dudes checking her out. Then she glances at me. We have the most awkward eye to eye contact that lasted forever. because she knows where i have been and i know where she had been only an hour earlier.
Spoiler alert, all tests can back negative.[close]
this doesn't belong here either, but i'm bummed knowing of a couple people who have std's and they're still fucking multiple people. this girl i don't really know who is a friend of my friends.. liked me and she was good looking but i turned it down..a few months later i heard she has hpv and herpes. fuckkk i don't know if she did at the time, but i'm glad i dodged that either way. you can't just out them on something so personal but it pisses me off..protected sex or not i don't know. "HPV is a sexually transmitted virus that infects up to 75 percent of sexually active American women " whattt?... i don't know how std statistics can be accurate, but it sounds like half of us will get an std at some point in our lives. i don't think i could knowingly sleep with anyone..i don't know how people can do that
i used magnums for the first time the other night
needless to say all i could see was jereme rogers damn face, cause often they still rip....
Dang, beat me to itExpand Quoteeating bloody pussy is always awkward too especially when your beards already red and it dyes it darker[close]
sig'd.
Not really awkward But kinda funny Not sure if this has ever happened to anyone else...Amazing. Stories like this only reach the level of myth. The fact that you have video confirmation is sick!
While living in the city at a skate house a few years back, I would invite girls over from my home town an hour away to come up & party
This one girl who I was good friends with But never really hooked up with, came up and one of the guys I lived with was super thirsty and wanted her and I said go for it..So he proceeded to get her wasted and watnot and they ended up going back to his room..
So b4 the homie trys to fuck her, he sets up a camera Without her knowing, So he could record their event..
While getting it on, She yelled out my name instead of his..
@ first he was cool bout it, laughed it off & even showed me the tape..But then a few days later hated me for it..
Lol moral of the story, these guys out here got bitch tendencies!
where is the video?
Not really awkward But kinda funny Not sure if this has ever happened to anyone else...Ive gotten the wrong name job before. What's weird is it happened twice during the session, Carlos and Peter
While living in the city at a skate house a few years back, I would invite girls over from my home town an hour away to come up & party
This one girl who I was good friends with But never really hooked up with, came up and one of the guys I lived with was super thirsty and wanted her and I said go for it..So he proceeded to get her wasted and watnot and they ended up going back to his room..
So b4 the homie trys to fuck her, he sets up a camera Without her knowing, So he could record their event..
While getting it on, She yelled out my name instead of his..
@ first he was cool bout it, laughed it off & even showed me the tape..But then a few days later hated me for it..
Lol moral of the story, these guys out here got bitch tendencies!
hahahaah Trust me You guys don't wanna see the video..I cringed when I did Cuz the kid is super hairy...Like homies ass/gooch/groin area is a fucking jungle no lie no homo..pm please.
hahahaah Trust me You guys don't wanna see the video..I cringed when I did Cuz the kid is super hairy...Like homies ass/gooch/groin area is a fucking jungle no lie no homo..
a chick I had a one off with wanted me to eat her out, but she was a whore so I made her suck my dick instead. the condom broke earlier however she still wanted sex. i refused to go raw dog and made her suck my johnson until sunrise. she then told me it was her first time giving head but i told her not to worry. the way I see it at least she got plenty of practice that night.
you sure didnt become the prince of fresh air.(http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/clapping/seinfeld.gif)
I'm expecting a flood of new stories tomorrow gentlemen. Don't disappoint me. ;DI don't know if this counts. I took my girl out for dinner and drink. We get home and I'm ready to go. She passes out. Not really awkward though, because we've been together for six years. I get to catch up on some solo drinking I've been meaning to do.
Also with the girl I have been with for over 3 years now, we were banging after a drunk night out and I slipped up on a pump and entered her ass with out warning. She got up went to the bathroom and nearly passed the fuck out and was so white when she came out. She looked it up online and her body went into a state of shock, happens to some girls I guess.
When i was 23, so 8 years ago, My buddies and i went out in a small city about an hour from where we are from. Get to the Bar/Club kinda deal and I'm already fucked out of my tree from drinking most of the day and the drive to the city. Get inside and the first girl i see is small and has short dark hair (my type) she grabs me and yep i got my night set. After more shots and beer we end up back at her place, she keeps telling me to be quiet and blah blah blah. Get to her room downstairs and go at it, she looks awesome naked so stoked at this point. Wake up to sober me and I'm pretty pumped on how cute this girl is but what the hell is all this noise up stairs. Ask her if that's her roommates, she tells me its her parents, at this point I'm bummed cause I hate dealing with parents of adults living at home. So I ask her if she's in university or just working, Nope she tells me she still in High School and got into the bar with a fake ID. At this point I'm fucking bummed at the situation and asking if there is another way out of this basement to avoid up stairs, plus how far away I am from anywhere I know and any other info I need. So long story short...have to go up stairs, sit at the kitchen table, eat breakfast with the Family, make up a lame excuse about how my buddies left me and your daughter found me and was nice enough to let me crash at this house. The Dad is eying me the whole time knowing I banged his 17 year old daughter, then the mom drives me to a spot in the city where my buddies could meet up with me as the house was located outside of the city and I had no clue where to go or how the fuck we even got to the house the night before.
Also with the girl I have been with for over 3 years now, we were banging after a drunk night out and I slipped up on a pump and entered her ass with out warning. She got up went to the bathroom and nearly passed the fuck out and was so white when she came out. She looked it up online and her body went into a state of shock, happens to some girls I guess.
girl ive been talking to for like 2 months wont make out with me, only closed mouth kiss. Thus, leading to nothing more then a few awkward kisses and no action.
has anyone had this happen? its like she has no desire what-so-ever to do anything.
and i've been around my fair share of loose women, but this is just weird.
girl ive been talking to for like 2 months wont make out with me, only closed mouth kiss. Thus, leading to nothing more then a few awkward kisses and no action.
has anyone had this happen? its like she has no desire what-so-ever to do anything.
and i've been around my fair share of loose women, but this is just weird.
Expand Quotegirl ive been talking to for like 2 months wont make out with me, only closed mouth kiss. Thus, leading to nothing more then a few awkward kisses and no action.
has anyone had this happen? its like she has no desire what-so-ever to do anything.
and i've been around my fair share of loose women, but this is just weird.[close]
Is she religious?
Is she a virgin?
Has she been fucked over in the past?
Is she twelve?
Serious note: Maybe she really likes you and wants to take things slow. I know that I have progressed slowly with physical emotions before if I am really happy about somebody and don't want to get things confused. Just play it cool though if you're psyched on her. Don't let it ALL rely on physical actions but don't let her just screw you over and play with you.
When i was 23, so 8 years ago, My buddies and i went out in a small city about an hour from where we are from. Get to the Bar/Club kinda deal and I'm already fucked out of my tree from drinking most of the day and the drive to the city. Get inside and the first girl i see is small and has short dark hair (my type) she grabs me and yep i got my night set. After more shots and beer we end up back at her place, she keeps telling me to be quiet and blah blah blah. Get to her room downstairs and go at it, she looks awesome naked so stoked at this point. Wake up to sober me and I'm pretty pumped on how cute this girl is but what the hell is all this noise up stairs. Ask her if that's her roommates, she tells me its her parents, at this point I'm bummed cause I hate dealing with parents of adults living at home. So I ask her if she's in university or just working, Nope she tells me she still in High School and got into the bar with a fake ID. At this point I'm fucking bummed at the situation and asking if there is another way out of this basement to avoid up stairs, plus how far away I am from anywhere I know and any other info I need. So long story short...have to go up stairs, sit at the kitchen table, eat breakfast with the Family, make up a lame excuse about how my buddies left me and your daughter found me and was nice enough to let me crash at this house. The Dad is eying me the whole time knowing I banged his 17 year old daughter, then the mom drives me to a spot in the city where my buddies could meet up with me as the house was located outside of the city and I had no clue where to go or how the fuck we even got to the house the night before.
Also with the girl I have been with for over 3 years now, we were banging after a drunk night out and I slipped up on a pump and entered her ass with out warning. She got up went to the bathroom and nearly passed the fuck out and was so white when she came out. She looked it up online and her body went into a state of shock, happens to some girls I guess.
Long time reader and first time poster for this thread (I think)
In high school/college I was in a relationship with this girl I went to high school with. One night I get home wasted and she comes over drunk as well. We start hooking up on the side of my house and she starts giving me an old fashioned. Bored, drunk, and starting to get a hurt penis from incorrect handling, I calmly said, "It's easier if you put your mouth on it." With little hesitation she starts going down on me. This being her first time, I was kind of blown away at how willing she was. Time passes and she is blowing me on my back patio in the middle of the night. I start getting bored AGAIN because she is awful at this as well. In result, I rub one out and she rubs my back. Looking back now it is really weird that it resulted in this but oh well.
Fast forward a few years and I have still not gotten a successful BJ. After seeing several other girls through out the years, many have claimed they're, "..really good at giving head." All of which were failures.. till recently. I started seeing this girl I met through a friend. We hook up twice and I got freaked out when she went down on me. Close to explosion and nervous about ruining her sheets/reputation with me, I went to the bathroom. After explaining my history with BJs she understands and expresses sympathy for me being lets say.. genetically different. Progressively we start boning and mid-way through she says she has to stop because I'm hurting her.
Long time reader and? first time poster for this thread (I think)
In high school/college I was in a relationship with this girl I went to high school with. One night I get home wasted and she comes over drunk as well. We start hooking up on the side of my house and she starts giving me an old fashioned. Bored, drunk, and starting to get a hurt penis from incorrect handling, I calmly said, "It's easier if you put your mouth on it." With little hesitation she starts going down on me. This being her first time, I was kind of blown away at how willing she was. Time passes and she is blowing me on my back patio in the middle of the night. I start getting bored AGAIN because she is awful at this as well. In result, I rub one out and she rubs my back. Looking back now it is really weird that it resulted in this but oh well.
Fast forward a few years and I have still not gotten a successful BJ. After seeing several other girls through out the years, many have claimed they're, "..really good at giving head." All of which were failures.. till recently. I started seeing this girl I met through a friend. We hook up twice and I got freaked out when she went down on me. Close to explosion and nervous about ruining her sheets/reputation with me, I went to the bathroom. After explaining my history with BJs she understands and expresses sympathy for me being lets say.. genetically different. Progressively we start boning and mid-way through she says she has to stop because I'm hurting her.
Expand QuoteLong time reader and� first time poster for this thread (I think)
In high school/college I was in a relationship with this girl I went to high school with. One night I get home wasted and she comes over drunk as well. We start hooking up on the side of my house and she starts giving me an old fashioned. Bored, drunk, and starting to get a hurt penis from incorrect handling, I calmly said, "It's easier if you put your mouth on it." With little hesitation she starts going down on me. This being her first time, I was kind of blown away at how willing she was. Time passes and she is blowing me on my back patio in the middle of the night. I start getting bored AGAIN because she is awful at this as well. In result, I rub one out and she rubs my back. Looking back now it is really weird that it resulted in this but oh well.
Fast forward a few years and I have still not gotten a successful BJ. After seeing several other girls through out the years, many have claimed they're, "..really good at giving head." All of which were failures.. till recently. I started seeing this girl I met through a friend. We hook up twice and I got freaked out when she went down on me. Close to explosion and nervous about ruining her sheets/reputation with me, I went to the bathroom. After explaining my history with BJs she understands and expresses sympathy for me being lets say.. genetically different. Progressively we start boning and mid-way through she says she has to stop because I'm hurting her.[close]
so the problem im gathering is you have trouble getting off from a blow job? its tough man, especially as a chronic masturbator. I think that you have to dedicate some time to training one girl to do exactly what you want.
Expand QuoteLong time reader and first time poster for this thread (I think)
In high school/college I was in a relationship with this girl I went to high school with. One night I get home wasted and she comes over drunk as well. We start hooking up on the side of my house and she starts giving me an old fashioned. Bored, drunk, and starting to get a hurt penis from incorrect handling, I calmly said, "It's easier if you put your mouth on it." With little hesitation she starts going down on me. This being her first time, I was kind of blown away at how willing she was. Time passes and she is blowing me on my back patio in the middle of the night. I start getting bored AGAIN because she is awful at this as well. In result, I rub one out and she rubs my back. Looking back now it is really weird that it resulted in this but oh well.
Fast forward a few years and I have still not gotten a successful BJ. After seeing several other girls through out the years, many have claimed they're, "..really good at giving head." All of which were failures.. till recently. I started seeing this girl I met through a friend. We hook up twice and I got freaked out when she went down on me. Close to explosion and nervous about ruining her sheets/reputation with me, I went to the bathroom. After explaining my history with BJs she understands and expresses sympathy for me being lets say.. genetically different. Progressively we start boning and mid-way through she says she has to stop because I'm hurting her.[close]
so the problem im gathering is you have trouble getting off from a blow job? its tough man, especially as a chronic masturbator. I think that you have to dedicate some time to training one girl to do exactly what you want.
Yeah I got couple of awkward moments of those kind. In high school I was at bar and hooked up with this chick from my school. She was like a straight A- student but had also a nice body and all. I got pretty hammered and at some point she asked if i would come to her place. It was a fucking long walk (at least it felt like it) but the idea of getting laid kept me going. Finally at her's and i'm having the greatest urge to take shit. It was this little ass apartment with one room and paper-thin walls and my ass is exploding. I didn't want to ruin the sure to come fucking so i tried to put the water running and all but it was terrible (she didn't even have a stereo or some). I couldn't take a proper shit because she was already lying on the bed basically behind the paperish bathroom wall. I just decided to hold it in and got to bed. So the fucking part was soon on and it started nice. I thought I had my other primary urges under control while doin missionary and she's moaning and all but then she wildly grabs my cheeks and starts groping them with as i thrust and i was thinking "fuck no!" but too late. I passed the gas with a great hot rod sound and felt like the whole building woke up because it was so quiet. We stopped for a second and the chick stares me straight into the eyes and somehow i started laughing and continued plowing and she was game. Finished the deed and took a nice dump after. Never talked to her again after that night but sex was ok.
Expand Quotegirl ive been talking to for like 2 months wont make out with me, only closed mouth kiss. Thus, leading to nothing more then a few awkward kisses and no action.
has anyone had this happen? its like she has no desire what-so-ever to do anything.
and i've been around my fair share of loose women, but this is just weird.[close]
Is she religious?
Is she a virgin?
Has she been fucked over in the past?
Is she twelve?
Serious note: Maybe she really likes you and wants to take things slow. I know that I have progressed slowly with physical emotions before if I am really happy about somebody and don't want to get things confused. Just play it cool though if you're psyched on her. Don't let it ALL rely on physical actions but don't let her just screw you over and play with you.
Long time reader and first time poster for this thread (I think)
In high school/college I was in a relationship with this girl I went to high school with. One night I get home wasted and she comes over drunk as well. We start hooking up on the side of my house and she starts giving me an old fashioned. Bored, drunk, and starting to get a hurt penis from incorrect handling, I calmly said, "It's easier if you put your mouth on it." With little hesitation she starts going down on me. This being her first time, I was kind of blown away at how willing she was. Time passes and she is blowing me on my back patio in the middle of the night. I start getting bored AGAIN because she is awful at this as well. In result, I rub one out and she rubs my back. Looking back now it is really weird that it resulted in this but oh well.
Fast forward a few years and I have still not gotten a successful BJ. After seeing several other girls through out the years, many have claimed they're, "..really good at giving head." All of which were failures.. till recently. I started seeing this girl I met through a friend. We hook up twice and I got freaked out when she went down on me. Close to explosion and nervous about ruining her sheets/reputation with me, I went to the bathroom. After explaining my history with BJs she understands and expresses sympathy for me being lets say.. genetically different. Progressively we start boning and mid-way through she says she has to stop because I'm hurting her.
Expand QuoteLong time reader and first time poster for this thread (I think)
In high school/college I was in a relationship with this girl I went to high school with. One night I get home wasted and she comes over drunk as well. We start hooking up on the side of my house and she starts giving me an old fashioned. Bored, drunk, and starting to get a hurt penis from incorrect handling, I calmly said, "It's easier if you put your mouth on it." With little hesitation she starts going down on me. This being her first time, I was kind of blown away at how willing she was. Time passes and she is blowing me on my back patio in the middle of the night. I start getting bored AGAIN because she is awful at this as well. In result, I rub one out and she rubs my back. Looking back now it is really weird that it resulted in this but oh well.
Fast forward a few years and I have still not gotten a successful BJ. After seeing several other girls through out the years, many have claimed they're, "..really good at giving head." All of which were failures.. till recently. I started seeing this girl I met through a friend. We hook up twice and I got freaked out when she went down on me. Close to explosion and nervous about ruining her sheets/reputation with me, I went to the bathroom. After explaining my history with BJs she understands and expresses sympathy for me being lets say.. genetically different. Progressively we start boning and mid-way through she says she has to stop because I'm hurting her.[close]
hold on bro's, i think i figured this one out:
are you modestly implying that most girls have failed at giving you toe-curling, splooge-tastic bj's because you have a huge dangus?
if you've ever had to buy a black n gold box of condoms, then i feel ya, man.
try to be patient and go at their speed. you don't want to forcibly insert too much meat for these young thangs to handle, ya know?
(or maybe try to find a skeezer who specializes in gargantuan dong. i dunno.)
Expand QuoteLong time reader and first time poster for this thread (I think)
In high school/college I was in a relationship with this girl I went to high school with. One night I get home wasted and she comes over drunk as well. We start hooking up on the side of my house and she starts giving me an old fashioned. Bored, drunk, and starting to get a hurt penis from incorrect handling, I calmly said, "It's easier if you put your mouth on it." With little hesitation she starts going down on me. This being her first time, I was kind of blown away at how willing she was. Time passes and she is blowing me on my back patio in the middle of the night. I start getting bored AGAIN because she is awful at this as well. In result, I rub one out and she rubs my back. Looking back now it is really weird that it resulted in this but oh well.
Fast forward a few years and I have still not gotten a successful BJ. After seeing several other girls through out the years, many have claimed they're, "..really good at giving head." All of which were failures.. till recently. I started seeing this girl I met through a friend. We hook up twice and I got freaked out when she went down on me. Close to explosion and nervous about ruining her sheets/reputation with me, I went to the bathroom. After explaining my history with BJs she understands and expresses sympathy for me being lets say.. genetically different. Progressively we start boning and mid-way through she says she has to stop because I'm hurting her.[close]
so the problem im gathering is you have trouble getting off from a blow job? its tough man, especially as a chronic masturbator. I think that you have to dedicate some time to training one girl to do exactly what you want.
Spend more timein locker roomson Slap.
I have had this problem too. But after going to Thailand i was amazed. They jack you off better than you could ever do yourself.
Or just get the girl to lick your ass while you jack yourself off.
a chick I had a one off with wanted me to eat her out, but she was a whore so I made her suck my dick instead. the condom broke earlier however she still wanted sex. i refused to go raw dog and made her suck my johnson until sunrise. she then told me it was her first time giving head but i told her not to worry. the way I see it at least she got plenty of practice that night.Laaame
Expand QuoteI have had this problem too. But after going to Thailand i was amazed. They jack you off better than you could ever do yourself.
Or just get the girl to lick your ass while you jack yourself off.[close]
post of the day. we need a post of the day thread. im gonna go jack off now.
That is fucking weird man hahah. I used to live pretty close to Tarzana. I miss the valley.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI have had this problem too. But after going to Thailand i was amazed. They jack you off better than you could ever do yourself.
Or just get the girl to lick your ass while you jack yourself off.[close]
post of the day. we need a post of the day thread. im gonna go jack off now.[close]
This is true. About the butthole, I guess most guys have to get comfortable with a girl before they ask that favor.
Story from the other night though:
Thursday night I go down to one of the local spots with some friends and end up running into this girl I had actually met there on a Thursday night maybe a month or two ago. The first night I met her was a wild night as I ended up getting a bit wasted and made out with maybe four girls but actually got 6 numbers so I couldn't figure out who was who the next day. However, I remembered here because I saved her in my phone as cha cha woman or something easily memorable. Well, long story short, I texted her a bit but for some reason we never made it happen. Jump forward to this past Wednesday night and there we are again - talking and making out in the same bar. It wasn't going to work out that night seeing as how we had both caught rides there with our friends so we say let's do tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and she's telling me that my friends and I should come to her b-day shindig at this shitty bar which we tried to but since there was a line we were over it. I shoot her a text saying what's up and then my friends and I head to some girl's party in Tarzana who's "instagram famous" basically for posting all these ass shaking photos. That party actually ended up being pretty bogus but we made some funny Vine videos and there was indeed some ass shaking. Anyway, I drunk text this girl once we're heading back around 2 or 3 am and she say she's down to come over so I drop the homies off and head back to the crib. She get's there basically at the same time as me and everything's pretty normal including the sex. Here's the weird thing though - after we have sex she doesn't stick around which is a good thing I'd say. We bid ado and I let her out then I go back into my room to grab the condom off the dresser and throw it away but it's gone. There was just a big puddle of jizz there like she had dumped it out or something. I was thinking maybe she was courteous and threw it away or something but I couldn't find it in the trash and she didn't go to the bathroom/flush the toilet before she left. This girl fucking took the used condom with her. Fuckin' weird man.
That is fucking weird man hahah. I used to live pretty close to Tarzana. I miss the valley.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI have had this problem too. But after going to Thailand i was amazed. They jack you off better than you could ever do yourself.
Or just get the girl to lick your ass while you jack yourself off.[close]
post of the day. we need a post of the day thread. im gonna go jack off now.[close]
You used to live in the valley and you miss it? Why? And where do you live now?
This is true. About the butthole, I guess most guys have to get comfortable with a girl before they ask that favor.
Story from the other night though:
Thursday night I go down to one of the local spots with some friends and end up running into this girl I had actually met there on a Thursday night maybe a month or two ago. The first night I met her was a wild night as I ended up getting a bit wasted and made out with maybe four girls but actually got 6 numbers so I couldn't figure out who was who the next day. However, I remembered here because I saved her in my phone as cha cha woman or something easily memorable. Well, long story short, I texted her a bit but for some reason we never made it happen. Jump forward to this past Wednesday night and there we are again - talking and making out in the same bar. It wasn't going to work out that night seeing as how we had both caught rides there with our friends so we say let's do tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and she's telling me that my friends and I should come to her b-day shindig at this shitty bar which we tried to but since there was a line we were over it. I shoot her a text saying what's up and then my friends and I head to some girl's party in Tarzana who's "instagram famous" basically for posting all these ass shaking photos. That party actually ended up being pretty bogus but we made some funny Vine videos and there was indeed some ass shaking. Anyway, I drunk text this girl once we're heading back around 2 or 3 am and she say she's down to come over so I drop the homies off and head back to the crib. She get's there basically at the same time as me and everything's pretty normal including the sex. Here's the weird thing though - after we have sex she doesn't stick around which is a good thing I'd say. We bid ado and I let her out then I go back into my room to grab the condom off the dresser and throw it away but it's gone. There was just a big puddle of jizz there like she had dumped it out or something. I was thinking maybe she was courteous and threw it away or something but I couldn't find it in the trash and she didn't go to the bathroom/flush the toilet before she left. This girl fucking took the used condom with her. Fuckin' weird man.[close]
that bitch probably took that condom so she could get pregnant and your baby.But he said she dumped the jizz out?
But he said she dumped the jizz out?Expand Quotethat bitch probably took that condom so she could get pregnant and your baby.[close]
ive never really worn condoms (a few times when it was with my first couple girlfriends). i always have wondered what the protocol is for cumming with the condom. do you bust inside her?
The damage is already done though....no?
well. FuckBut he said she dumped the jizz out?Expand Quotethat bitch probably took that condom so she could get pregnant and your baby.[close]
does it count as cheating if you just piss in a girl's mouth?
Pfffft bunch a pussies. Come on Jeremy. No busting in a girl even WITH a condom?! Ridiculous. I fucking hate pulling out. Why fuck if I'm just gonna pull out and jerk off last minute? Cumming inside a girl is literally what we were born for. That's what your entire evolutionary path has led you to. I refuse to pull out and cum on evolution's face!Expand Quotesee, she was trying to get you back and lock you down on a permanent basis.Expand Quoteyeah my ex girlfriend after we broke up i was jonsing i called her up at least 3 seperate times and we fcuked.... she was tellin me to bust inside her, but i pulled out anyway just because we were broke up, and then after she says" well its probably godo you did that anyway cause i think i fucked up one of my pills". what a dumb ass.Expand Quotethe abortion pill saves lives, homie. plan B is a good thing.Expand QuoteSo basically I'm scared shitless of ever busting inside a girl ever again. I mean I bought her the Plan B pill...which obviously worked cause she's not pregnant. But no way I'm ever busting a nut in her anytime soon.[close][close][close][close]
Yeah cause Rawb is such a great catch. A real reliable father-type.Expand QuoteWhat!! making eye contact with your bestfriend's girl while shes taking baby gravy on the tongue is super awkward!Expand QuoteExpand Quoteone time she yelled "JUST COME IN ME ALREADY" i promptly pulled out, put my boxers and shorts back on, walked out and slept in the living room. was just really weird to be demanded of my come. her and i never spoke again after the next day haha.[close]
Man none of those really seem awkward to me. Especially the last one. I suppose it would be when you're 17. But now, hoo boy I tell ya. That's some hot shit. Go with it homey.[close][close]
Wouldn't be awkward until I pulled my dick out and started wanking while watching it.
(http://24.media.tumblr.com/a456607eda273aefcdece251c648566c/tumblr_mh320wCACt1rittzto1_500.png)Expand QuoteBut he said she dumped the jizz out?Expand Quotethat bitch probably took that condom so she could get pregnant and your baby.[close][close]
she probably does that with all the dudes she hooks up with, and will have them hanging on her wall in her apt. just walls covered with hundreds of empty used rubbers
ive never really worn condoms (a few times when it was with my first couple girlfriends). i always have wondered what the protocol is for cumming with the condom. do you bust inside her? rip the condom off porno style and blast wherever shes begging? hmm.
side note: i got tested last year and luckily didnt catch anything! its very awkward getting tested, it was this pretty overweight and slightly hood black nurse chick and she was like "yep the doctors gonna stick it in your penis and its gonna hurt. you should be wearing condoms!" well i was nervous as fuck, sweating and all, but then the doctor comes in and says they can do it all by blood and urine now (whew!) so i was off the hook for that whole thing. pretty sure the free clinics do the swab, but luckily i have health insurance and paid to get it done at the doctor.
Long time reader and first time poster for this thread (I think)
In high school/college I was in a relationship with this girl I went to high school with. One night I get home wasted and she comes over drunk as well. We start hooking up on the side of my house and she starts giving me an old fashioned. Bored, drunk, and starting to get a hurt penis from incorrect handling, I calmly said, "It's easier if you put your mouth on it." With little hesitation she starts going down on me. This being her first time, I was kind of blown away at how willing she was. Time passes and she is blowing me on my back patio in the middle of the night. I start getting bored AGAIN because she is awful at this as well. In result, I rub one out and she rubs my back. Looking back now it is really weird that it resulted in this but oh well.
Fast forward a few years and I have still not gotten a successful BJ. After seeing several other girls through out the years, many have claimed they're, "..really good at giving head." All of which were failures.. till recently. I started seeing this girl I met through a friend. We hook up twice and I got freaked out when she went down on me. Close to explosion and nervous about ruining her sheets/reputation with me, I went to the bathroom. After explaining my history with BJs she understands and expresses sympathy for me being lets say.. genetically different. Progressively we start boning and mid-way through she says she has to stop because I'm hurting her.
fuck that even if she doesn't want the cum i will still bust off more shots than a semi automatic jammy.
bust off more shots than a semi automatic jammy.
Not an awkward story, but I figure it should go here anyway. Hookin up with this chick last night with music in the background and Slob On My Knob shuffles into the mix. Without missing a beat the girl looks at me and says "welp can't argue with the music" and goes to town on my dick. Probably the funniest exchange of events to dateMaaan, I salute you.
my freshman year of college I got really drunk and fucked some girl with a trust fund. I found out that night that there is such a thing as getting too drunk and not being able to bust. We fucked three time and she kept giving me dome but no luck. She ended up getting pissed because I was getting so bored and leaving. Normally it'd be whatever but she lived on the same floor as me and this happened at the beginning of the year so I was forced to see her all too frequently.
Guys this thread is really great but could we PLEASE start adding some pix of the girls?dudes gotta bate
Or any nudes/pix you have of girls with descriptions about them?
PLZ N THNX
(http://i.imgur.com/t0kLc0c.gif)
Expand Quotefuck that even if she doesn't want the cum i will still bust off more shots than a semi automatic jammy.[close]
I remember Pete saying something about "...WERE ROCKIN WITH KOOL MIKE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE" quite a while ago and as far as I'm concerned everybody should still be rocking with you
ayo what movie is this from(http://24.media.tumblr.com/a456607eda273aefcdece251c648566c/tumblr_mh320wCACt1rittzto1_500.png)Expand QuoteExpand QuoteBut he said she dumped the jizz out?Expand Quotethat bitch probably took that condom so she could get pregnant and your baby.[close][close]
she probably does that with all the dudes she hooks up with, and will have them hanging on her wall in her apt. just walls covered with hundreds of empty used rubbers[close]
Guys this thread is really great but could we PLEASE start adding some pix of the girls?
Or any nudes/pix you have of girls with descriptions about them?
PLZ N THNX
(http://i.imgur.com/t0kLc0c.gif)
you are a nasty dude dole
Expand Quoteyou are a nasty dude dole[close]
Nah i think it was just something that happened no harm intended. Lots of shit goes down and i've come to notice that chicks are more and more nowdays into some kinky shit. At least i've learned to wash my dick. :)
That scenario that Dole described happened to this girl I know but from a female perspective. She said one night she was going out with her friends and her man wanted to fuck before she did to get his nut on. They did it and she is on the pill and her boyfriend apparently nutted inside her. She went out after that and went to some club, got hammered and went to her friends place to some house party. Apparently this other guy was crushing on her hard and she said she couldn't fuck him, so he suggested that he could just eat her out. He does and that is when she realized that there was probably some cum residue inside her shit. Dude practically licked her man's cum the whole time.
I'm not sure if this was the first time I'd been to Bangkok or one of the several times after but I know it was the first time I'd gotten a hooker. The fact that I was staying on Khao Sahn road in itself proves that I was naive to Bangkok but it's a good place to get your bearings started I suppose. Walking up and down the road everyday mingling with the peddlers along with the flux of Scandinavian tourists was a decent introduction to the backpacking route which allowed me to hook up with a few Nordic beauties and get a tug job from some seedy massage parlor just a stones throw away from my guest house.
Over the week that I was there I'd gone to get a few massages which resulted in a couple of unexpected handjobs - let me tell you if you think no girl can do it better than you personally give a few spots in Bangkok a go. These massage parlors that do it are fairly obvious although it will start off like a normal massage and it's still the masseuse's choice whether or not they go for it. If they decide to they'll feel up your thighs with the obvious intention of arousing the old sailor the slap it around like a whiffle ball asking if you want more. Most of the time I said now which resulted in the remainder of the massage being an angry one. But this isn't where the awkward sexual experience occurs for me....
I had seen the same Tuk-Tuk driver out on Khao Sahn almost every day that I was there and every time I saw him he would try to convince me into going to a ping pong show to which each time I'd decline - not really my thing although I have been to one. One night, however, I come out from this massage spot right across the street from my guest house still wearing a bath robe with the oil residue left on and greasy hair. This was probably the most expensive massage I got in Bangkok actually as it was full on legit with a sauna after to boot. So there's this guy there and he's pestering me about a ping pong show again to which I say something along the lines of, "you know, at this point and time I'd be a lot more interested in a hooker vs ping pong balls being shot out of a vagina" then his eyes light up. He tells me he can take me to this place free of charge with 30+ girls lined up to choose from free of charge. There's a bit where I contemplate then agree to hop in his tuk-tuk and away we go. The guy seems so happy the whole way there trying to make small talk with me but I'm not really interested in that. Finally we get where this place is and it reminds me of a Casino when the tuk-tuk guy walks me in then introduces me to the head honcho.
He takes me to this 2-way mirror where the other side is a room filled with 30+ girls lined up. The guy asks me what I'm most interested in the tells me, "this girl has the tightest pussy, this girl has the tightest butt hall, this girl gives the best blow jobs" etc.... I pick the blowjob girl in the green dress and she leads me up the stairs past all these seedy old men and one of the girls that passes us shrieks, "oooooh, lucky!". Once we enter the room it gets a bit weird to me but basically once I got to the 2 way mirror I felt really seedy. This room is completely mirrored, filled with chains and every sex toy you could imagine. This Thai girl doesn't speak any English at all and drops the teddy then showers in front of me. She takes off my clothes and is staring me in the eyes the whole time letting out these weird moans. It seems like all she can say is "sucky sucky" or "fucky fucky" and I knew I couldn't fuck this girl so I just say sucky sucky. She seems really surprised and then points to her pussy and says, "fucky fucky" to which I shake my head no and then she points to her butt hole and says "fucky fucky" and I shake my head now then point to my dick and say sucky sucky. She ends up just giving me head but is trying to look me in the eyes the whole time so I turn away but every way I turn she locks eyes with me in through the mirrors in this mirrored room. At one point I just look straight up and she starts sucking my dick sideways so she can lock eyes with me through the mirror on the ceiling. I cum in her face then she takes a shower in front of me again, wipes me off with the towel, and leaves the room.
Super weird experience...
Expand QuoteI'm not sure if this was the first time I'd been to Bangkok or one of the several times after but I know it was the first time I'd gotten a hooker.? The fact that I was staying on Khao Sahn road in itself proves that I was naive to Bangkok but it's a good place to get your bearings started I suppose. Walking up and down the road everyday mingling with the peddlers along with the flux of Scandinavian tourists was a decent introduction to the backpacking route which allowed me to hook up with a few Nordic beauties and get a tug job from some seedy massage parlor just a stones throw away from my guest house.
Over the week that I was there I'd gone to get a few massages which resulted in a couple of unexpected handjobs - let me tell you if you think no girl can do it better than you personally give a few spots in Bangkok a go. These massage parlors that do it are fairly obvious although it will start off like a normal massage and it's still the masseuse's choice whether or not they go for it. If they decide to they'll feel up your thighs with the obvious intention of arousing the old sailor the slap it around like a whiffle ball asking if you want more. Most of the time I said now which resulted in the remainder of the massage being an angry one. But this isn't where the awkward sexual experience occurs for me....
I had seen the same Tuk-Tuk driver out on Khao Sahn almost every day that I was there and every time I saw him he would try to convince me into going to a ping pong show to which each time I'd decline - not really my thing although I have been to one. One night, however, I come out from this massage spot right across the street from my guest house still wearing a bath robe with the oil residue left on and greasy hair. This was probably the most expensive massage I got in Bangkok actually as it was full on legit with a sauna after to boot. So there's this guy there and he's pestering me about a ping pong show again to which I say something along the lines of, "you know, at this point and time I'd be a lot more interested in a hooker vs ping pong balls being shot out of a vagina" then his eyes light up. He tells me he can take me to this place free of charge with 30+ girls lined up to choose from free of charge. There's a bit where I contemplate then agree to hop in his tuk-tuk and away we go. The guy seems so happy the whole way there trying to make small talk with me but I'm not really interested in that. Finally we get where this place is and it reminds me of a Casino when the tuk-tuk guy walks me in then introduces me to the head honcho.
He takes me to this 2-way mirror where the other side is a room filled with 30+ girls lined up. The guy asks me what I'm most interested in the tells me, "this girl has the tightest pussy, this girl has the tightest butt hall, this girl gives the best blow jobs" etc.... I pick the blowjob girl in the green dress and she leads me up the stairs past all these seedy old men and one of the girls that passes us shrieks, "oooooh, lucky!". Once we enter the room it gets a bit weird to me but basically once I got to the 2 way mirror I felt really seedy. This room is completely mirrored, filled with chains and every sex toy you could imagine. This Thai girl doesn't speak any English at all and drops the teddy then showers in front of me. She takes off my clothes and is staring me in the eyes the whole time letting out these weird moans. It seems like all she can say is "sucky sucky" or "fucky fucky" and I knew I couldn't fuck this girl so I just say sucky sucky. She seems really surprised and then points to her pussy and says, "fucky fucky" to which I shake my head no and then she points to her butt hole and says "fucky fucky" and I shake my head now then point to my dick and say sucky sucky.? She ends up just giving me head but is trying to look me in the eyes the whole time so I turn away but every way I turn she locks eyes with me in through the mirrors in this mirrored room. At one point I just look straight up and she starts sucking my dick sideways so she can lock eyes with me through the mirror on the ceiling. I cum in her face then she takes a shower in front of me again, wipes me off with the towel, and leaves the room.
Super weird experience...[close]
i woulda felt mad awkward knowing theres dudes behind those mirrors jerkin off and filmin me
Thought I'd sign up and contribute seeing as I've extracted much joy from this thread...
About six years ago I worked for an after hours alcohol delivery company making drops around town. This had it's perks and every so often you'd get a bored lady ordering who would make it obvious they were down to get down. Anyhow, this Spanish lady about early 30's makes an order towards the end of the night, appears friendly and then phones back appearing even more friendly and invites me back after I finish. Sounding good ( she was fairly attractive for her age) I head back round there with a bottle of champagne. She was on the phone at the time shouting at someone who she later said was her publisher, she invited me in and was generally pretty strange... conversation didn't really flow, couldn't really tell what was going to happen, she offered to cook me some food which was nice. Ate something like tomatoes, eggs and bread. Oh and she also accused me of doing coke as I kept on having to piss from drinking a load of water while at work. And then just as I thought nothing would arise she pretty much jumped on me and was grinding against me. Seemed she wasn't too into kissing(didn't want you to notice adam's apple), she had her top off and possessed a fairly nice pair but with two huge scars under each (cause they were fake, estrogen didn't work for him) which was a bit off putting. Anyway seemed she wasn't too into me touching her below either (didn't want you to touch her penis) as I could get pretty close but not under knickers. She finished by tossing me off over her tits which she seemed perfectly happy with as was I to just get the whole thing to fucking finish to be honest. She finished by seeing me out and dancing round the hallway of her communal flats half naked while I made a bee-line to my car.
Amusing points to note - On her last visit to the bathroom she'd managed to leave the tap on and had completely flooded the tiny thing in about two inched of water which she found just before I left and was pretty pissed off about. And I also managed to pick up a ?60 fine leaving her house with a congestion fine after it just kicked in, in the morning. (Fucking Boris Johnson). Awkward and expensive.
I realized the girl had really crazy scars on her shoulders
A girl I know through a few friends basically scooped me up and brought me back to her apartment a couple weeks ago. She took me to her room where she keeps her extremely anxious dog locked up all day. We proceed to go at it and the whole time the dog is constantly jumping on the bed trying to literally join in. I'm pretty sure I caught a few ball licks. The next morning I woke up to find the heel off of my one of my shoes completely chewed apart.
Also that morning I realized the girl had really crazy scars on her shoulders which I at first assumed were signals that she was a freak (she was) but she later told me that she has cancer and they were surgical scars. Also that she couldn't get pregnant because of the medicine she was on (phew).
About a week later I was at a bar with Mandible Claw and she walks by. Come to find out he had hooked up with her a bunch a few years ago.
So about 3 months ago I was at a local bar for a party my friends throw once a month. This older women comes up and starts talking to me asking me where she knows me from and how I look a lot like james dean. blah blah blah, we walk home to my house and she asks if i've got more to drink. So I make her a drink and we talk for a minute or two before she scoots over to me and just removes my dick from my pants while starring directly into my eyes like she was trying to cast a spell on me. I didnt need a spell, i just needed moisture via mouth, vag or butt. didnt care. that goes on for a minute but i urged her to go upstairs in case a roommate came home. The mouth quickly turned to the vag and it was going fine until it starts to feel a bit different. I sent a hand down to investigate and it returned all bloodied up. I lost my shit, this gypsy women was bleeding all over my Egyptian cotton. I started yelling at her "you're over 40 fucking years old and you cant tell when youre fucking bleeding" She got very defensive and started yelling back like it was my fault. Then she said quite possibly the dumbest thing I ever heard come out of a girls mouth..... "MY TRUE LOVE IS OUT THERE, YOURE GOING TO DIE ALONE, YOU LITTLE FUCKING KID". My anger shortly turned to laughter when i heard that. I replied with something along the lines of "you're forty something years old and fishing for young dick at a bar". We went back and fourth for a minute, and then ended up finishing. The damage was already done, and the boner wasn't going anywhere.Strong post, but why are you calling back a cougar that was bleeding all over your bed? Fukkin RED FLAG unless you're 30 years old yourself most responses won't suffice
I saved her number, called back a few weeks later when I knew it wasnt shark week. She ended up licking my butt and taking it in hers. She ended up telling me all about her mother and how great she was. Showed me pics of them and everything. That following monday, he mother started working at the property manager I worked for. She was a fucking dinosaur.
More recently I texted to see what was up with some butt. She replied "sorry, I have a new rockstar boyfriend. We are in London. Booty calls are now off the table"
whatever. she still owes me sheets.
So about 3 months ago I was at a local bar for a party my friends throw once a month. This older women comes up and starts talking to me asking me where she knows me from and how I look a lot like james dean. blah blah blah, we walk home to my house and she asks if i've got more to drink. So I make her a drink and we talk for a minute or two before she scoots over to me and just removes my dick from my pants while starring directly into my eyes like she was trying to cast a spell on me. I didnt need a spell, i just needed moisture via mouth, vag or butt. didnt care. that goes on for a minute but i urged her to go upstairs in case a roommate came home. The mouth quickly turned to the vag and it was going fine until it starts to feel a bit different. I sent a hand down to investigate and it returned all bloodied up. I lost my shit, this gypsy women was bleeding all over my Egyptian cotton. I started yelling at her "you're over 40 fucking years old and you cant tell when youre fucking bleeding" She got very defensive and started yelling back like it was my fault. Then she said quite possibly the dumbest thing I ever heard come out of a girls mouth..... "MY TRUE LOVE IS OUT THERE, YOURE GOING TO DIE ALONE, YOU LITTLE FUCKING KID". My anger shortly turned to laughter when i heard that. I replied with something along the lines of "you're forty something years old and fishing for young dick at a bar". We went back and fourth for a minute, and then ended up finishing. The damage was already done, and the boner wasn't going anywhere.
I saved her number, called back a few weeks later when I knew it wasnt shark week. She ended up licking my butt and taking it in hers. She ended up telling me all about her mother and how great she was. Showed me pics of them and everything. That following monday, he mother started working at the property manager I worked for. She was a fucking dinosaur.
More recently I texted to see what was up with some butt. She replied "sorry, I have a new rockstar boyfriend. We are in London. Booty calls are now off the table"
whatever. she still owes me sheets.
why would u ever dump someone via a text? what the fuck is wrong with you?
why would u ever dump someone via a text? what the fuck is wrong with you?What part of "she started getting clingy" and "I peed on her face while sleepwalking" do you not understand?
Here's another weird one.
My friend's band was playing a show where mostly younger college kids hang out because the place will generally sell beer under-21. A girl about my age starts staring at me and we end up drinking beers and talking for a while. Her and her other v attractive girlfriend and I leave together and they proceed to drive me around party/bar-hopping while simultaneously smoking me out and buying me beer, essentially rendering me blacked out and supremely confident. We all end up back at homegirl's apartment and I'm feeling like a 3-some is imminent (!). I start making out with the one girl while her other friend is outside on the phone or something. Outside girl slides out at some point and the other girl and I start going at it in her room. She was definitely on the freakier/rougher end of the spectrum and at one point pulls out some weird sex toy to use on herself. I assume we bang for a while and pass out but the next thing I remember is waking up to her screaming at me and driving me home.....
*important caveat*
Growing up I had the strange habit of sleepwalking when I fell asleep in a new place. This would happen at friends' houses I'd sleepover at as well as on family vacations in hotels. By college when drinking had come into play and I was living in a dorm there would be numerous occasions where I would wake up in weird stairwells, and other floors, often close to naked and urinating on various objects (my older brother has this same problem).
So it turns out that I had drank enough and been in a weird enough location/situation that I did just that, and the various object this time happened to be this poor girl's face.
She ended up texting me the next day telling me that her "pussy still hurt" and we ended up banging/semi-dating for the next two months. She got really clingy and I dumped her via text on the way to a Radiohead show in Tampa. I still see her around town from time to time and she is actually really cool and one night actually successfully played wingwomen for me.
why would u ever dump someone via a text? what the fuck is wrong with you?
Fuck dude I probably would've just went along with itSames
The mouth quickly turned to the vag and it was going fine until it starts to feel a bit different. I sent a hand down to investigate
I thought I was a baller hippy
huge green cuke
Expand Quote
huge green cuke[close]
lol
I got a couple I guess i could share.
Got a blow job at a long time ago gfs house whilst she went down on me two of her friends were in the room and she was going at it, they were putting makeup and shit on and i made eye contact with one cause my head wasnt under the sheets and she just did some eyebrows up shit at me.
The second was on nye 11 going on 12. This flat that my friends lived in was gnarly hardly got cleaned up until it absolutely had too people always in and out. Basically a squatting.
Anyway started drinking early afternoon wine in a goon sack six beers and a pack of smokes everything was going good skating the backyard ramp we progressively get drunker. Then my friend tries to drop in off the top of the wash house into the ramp just full on eats shit slams straight to the bottom and blew out his shoulder dislocating it. Paramedics come i was explaining what happened to them while he's getting gassed and im drunk as shit holding a half empty goon sack. Skip forward hours and hours probably to like dawn im leaving a seperate flat by myself and as im walking down the street i see some lady walking by herself something took over and i started walking with her, she's probably in her late 30's early 40's absolute dog shit. Like I cant even describe it aswell as some of you could she was greasy and wearing jeans with those faux diamond s ond the ass I didnt care said we could go back to this flat everybody was passed out went to this spareroom ended half fucking with 3/4 of a boner go at it for awhile fell asleep, i wake up drunk and tried to facefuck her but she turned over gave me a terrible blowjob flipped her over jacked off all over her. Went upstairs to get something to wipe it off with got back she used homies towel. Turns out she had a 10 year old son, she had these shitting fucking rose tattos almost looked home made. It was so digusting i never told my friends just asked one of them for a gnarly anti anxiety pill that pretty much knocks you out. Anyway thats my story so far and seemed far worse after it happened than how i typed it.
Fuck dude I probably would've just went along with it
Expand QuoteFuck dude I probably would've just went along with it[close]
100%. especially if im too fucked to get hard, thats when i try to play it off by making them do weird shit to themselves/go down on them for an hour and hope i get hard eventually.
great stories on this page guys. !!
killing itExpand QuoteExpand QuoteFuck dude I probably would've just went along with it[close]
100%. especially if im too fucked to get hard, thats when i try to play it off by making them do weird shit to themselves/go down on them for an hour and hope i get hard eventually.
great stories on this page guys. !![close]
it wasn't even that i was too fucked to get hard. shit was too weird from all the doses and weed, i didn't need some skank with conical pierced nipples talking about feeling like a hooker while listening to pink floyd and messing with a giant cucumber.
I've got this one story that I can't post in entirety for a few reasons but the best part was what happened a few years later...
I'm at a back yard bonfire, drinking keg beer, everyone was pretty wasted, smoking oolies and shit like that. I wasn't getting down on it, in fact I wasn't even smoking at that point, but the beer was free so i kept chilling. Shit started getting really weird when my homie gobbles a 10 strip of paper (mind you he'd just started funeral college and was working as an apprentice so he was always wearing a full suit) and shortly there after starts rolling on the pavement.
Anyhow, the kid that gave him the strip comes over to me and says "hey man, remember me? I just got out of prison. I was in for 2 years" I'm like "yeah, man, how's it going?" and have no idea who this clown with throat tattoos and shit is. He then says "Hey, man, that time I robbed you, I'm sorry about that. you know, i didn't even want to do it, but you know." and his identity hits me like a steaming sack of shit bricks- yes, he'd robbed me of a quarter in high school, it sucked. BUT, at this party all I could think was BAHAHAHA I don't give a shit about a quarter you piece of trash. When you were locked up, your baby mama met me at a beach party and sucked my dick in the motherfucking Atlantic Ocean. A night later she called me to come over the apartment. She sucked my dick again. With another girl in the bed. When she was going down on the other girl she said "ahh, are you gonna do something, or what?" so i fucked her. when she told me you broke her ribs, i fucked her again. She sucked my dick while I drank henny on the toilet. While you were in prison...I sucked on her tits and got shot in the face with breast milk and it tasted pretty sweet, actually. Go fuck yourself Instead, I said "hey, dude, let bygones be bygones."
quite possibly one of the greatest things I have ever readkilling itExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteFuck dude I probably would've just went along with it[close]
100%. especially if im too fucked to get hard, thats when i try to play it off by making them do weird shit to themselves/go down on them for an hour and hope i get hard eventually.
great stories on this page guys. !![close]
it wasn't even that i was too fucked to get hard. shit was too weird from all the doses and weed, i didn't need some skank with conical pierced nipples talking about feeling like a hooker while listening to pink floyd and messing with a giant cucumber.
I've got this one story that I can't post in entirety for a few reasons but the best part was what happened a few years later...
I'm at a back yard bonfire, drinking keg beer, everyone was pretty wasted, smoking oolies and shit like that. I wasn't getting down on it, in fact I wasn't even smoking at that point, but the beer was free so i kept chilling. Shit started getting really weird when my homie gobbles a 10 strip of paper (mind you he'd just started funeral college and was working as an apprentice so he was always wearing a full suit) and shortly there after starts rolling on the pavement.
Anyhow, the kid that gave him the strip comes over to me and says "hey man, remember me? I just got out of prison. I was in for 2 years" I'm like "yeah, man, how's it going?" and have no idea who this clown with throat tattoos and shit is. He then says "Hey, man, that time I robbed you, I'm sorry about that. you know, i didn't even want to do it, but you know." and his identity hits me like a steaming sack of shit bricks- yes, he'd robbed me of a quarter in high school, it sucked. BUT, at this party all I could think was BAHAHAHA I don't give a shit about a quarter you piece of trash. When you were locked up, your baby mama met me at a beach party and sucked my dick in the motherfucking Atlantic Ocean. A night later she called me to come over the apartment. She sucked my dick again. With another girl in the bed. When she was going down on the other girl she said "ahh, are you gonna do something, or what?" so i fucked her. when she told me you broke her ribs, i fucked her again. She sucked my dick while I drank henny on the toilet. While you were in prison...I sucked on her tits and got shot in the face with breast milk and it tasted pretty sweet, actually. Go fuck yourself Instead, I said "hey, dude, let bygones be bygones."[close]
^r u an atl twin?
that was funny as hell tho, ur really a sketchy dude
Expand Quote^r u an atl twin?
that was funny as hell tho, ur really a sketchy dude[close]
19-24 was rough. These days I'm just a low key dude who rides a bike, skates, doesn't eat meat, and does a ton of yoga.
Expand QuoteExpand Quote^r u an atl twin?
that was funny as hell tho, ur really a sketchy dude[close]
19-24 was rough. These days I'm just a low key dude who rides a bike, skates, doesn't eat meat, and does a ton of yoga.[close]
keep posting. this thread is yours.
I'm guessing you grew up in the midwest?
quite possibly one of the greatest things I have ever readExpand Quotekilling itExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteFuck dude I probably would've just went along with it[close]
100%. especially if im too fucked to get hard, thats when i try to play it off by making them do weird shit to themselves/go down on them for an hour and hope i get hard eventually.
great stories on this page guys. !![close]
it wasn't even that i was too fucked to get hard. shit was too weird from all the doses and weed, i didn't need some skank with conical pierced nipples talking about feeling like a hooker while listening to pink floyd and messing with a giant cucumber.
I've got this one story that I can't post in entirety for a few reasons but the best part was what happened a few years later...
I'm at a back yard bonfire, drinking keg beer, everyone was pretty wasted, smoking oolies and shit like that. I wasn't getting down on it, in fact I wasn't even smoking at that point, but the beer was free so i kept chilling. Shit started getting really weird when my homie gobbles a 10 strip of paper (mind you he'd just started funeral college and was working as an apprentice so he was always wearing a full suit) and shortly there after starts rolling on the pavement.
Anyhow, the kid that gave him the strip comes over to me and says "hey man, remember me? I just got out of prison. I was in for 2 years" I'm like "yeah, man, how's it going?" and have no idea who this clown with throat tattoos and shit is. He then says "Hey, man, that time I robbed you, I'm sorry about that. you know, i didn't even want to do it, but you know." and his identity hits me like a steaming sack of shit bricks- yes, he'd robbed me of a quarter in high school, it sucked. BUT, at this party all I could think was BAHAHAHA I don't give a shit about a quarter you piece of trash. When you were locked up, your baby mama met me at a beach party and sucked my dick in the motherfucking Atlantic Ocean. A night later she called me to come over the apartment. She sucked my dick again. With another girl in the bed. When she was going down on the other girl she said "ahh, are you gonna do something, or what?" so i fucked her. when she told me you broke her ribs, i fucked her again. She sucked my dick while I drank henny on the toilet. While you were in prison...I sucked on her tits and got shot in the face with breast milk and it tasted pretty sweet, actually. Go fuck yourself Instead, I said "hey, dude, let bygones be bygones."[close][close]
I want to believe that pipe story is fake. It's way too good to be real.
So i'm up late and decided to check out craigslist. I've never used it before (or any other internet pussy site), but i've replied to a whole load of W4M posts so hopefully some weird shit happens and I can write some stories, haven't contributed to this thread for a couple of years now. Wish me luck...been there done that, at least 90% percent of them are spam/hookers, which is all fine and dandy, if that's what your into. If you really wanna bust a nut in somewhere other than the palm of your own hand through craigslist, I suggest m4m, but it's a strong cup of tea I tell you what... :-X
Anyone had any experiences with it before?
been there done that, at least 90% percent of them are spam/hookers, which is all fine and dandy, if that's what your into. If you really wanna bust a nut in somewhere other than the palm of your own hand through craigslist, I suggest m4m, but it's a strong cup of tea I tell you what... :-XExpand QuoteSo i'm up late and decided to check out craigslist. I've never used it before (or any other internet pussy site), but i've replied to a whole load of W4M posts so hopefully some weird shit happens and I can write some stories, haven't contributed to this thread for a couple of years now. Wish me luck...
Anyone had any experiences with it before?[close]
Expand QuoteI'm guessing you grew up in the midwest?[close]
no, not even close. i grew up in a small city outside of Boston where every member of the city council and school committee is also a real estate agent who profits off of low income housing, which, for a myriad of reasons, brings/fosters a lot of crazy drug use to town. At one time, there were a ton of jobs in the factories and mills, now they're all closed and there is nothing to do but take drugs, live at home, go to the bar, and waste the unemployment/SSI/disability check.
I ran into a dude I hadn't seen in 11 years a few nights ago and he said "you know the first thing that struck me when i came back here? it was all the broken TVs on the side of the road. Broken TVs and syringes."
What like around your pubes? Doesn't sound good man, just go to the doctor. Remember to think about stephen hawking if the doctors hot (happened to me). Are you sure it's not a physical injury though? Could be a friction burn. I thought I had an STD when my bellend looked all fucked up once, but it just because the chick was terrible at blowjobs and scraped me up
[/quote
hmmm she did blow me for like an hour and there was a bit of scrapeage, lol i fell asleep thru that shit and woke up and she was stil going, but they aint anywhere near the pubes they are on my shlong just bellow my head if ya know what im sayin and than a couple on my knob, i did jerk off this mornin aswell, im hoping to fuck it got somethin to do wit that, like i work this litlle motherfucka red raw or some shit
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI'm guessing you grew up in the midwest?[close]
no, not even close. i grew up in a small city outside of Boston where every member of the city council and school committee is also a real estate agent who profits off of low income housing, which, for a myriad of reasons, brings/fosters a lot of crazy drug use to town. At one time, there were a ton of jobs in the factories and mills, now they're all closed and there is nothing to do but take drugs, live at home, go to the bar, and waste the unemployment/SSI/disability check.
I ran into a dude I hadn't seen in 11 years a few nights ago and he said "you know the first thing that struck me when i came back here? it was all the broken TVs on the side of the road. Broken TVs and syringes."[close]
This screams south shore or right outside of Worcester, fuck almost as depressing as Pittsfield
508, homie.
Pittsfield sucks too. I lived in North Adams 10 years ago, and visit often. Fuck, it's a shitty area to live in. At least out there, though, you've got the mountains. down here all i've got is the taunton river.
This would've been 2 years ago. I remember going back to this girls house who was really into classical style music. I impressed her with my knowledge of Igor Stravinsky and she made reference to this all night. We get back to her place and she remembers she left her house key at her friends house. Not a issue, her housemate will let us in. Average dude wearing a Angry Birds t-shirt. We get to her room, and get into it straight away before she asks if she can could slip into the shower quickly, I say sure. By this time I needed to take the biggest shit. I'm talking like shitting out a cement block. I use the only toilet in the house, which is a couple of meters away from the bathroom she was in. I don't know why I did this, but I decided to take a shit with the seat still down. Like there was no reason for me to do it, I was just like 'fuck it'. Being drunk as fuck I thought I'd be a good idea to wrap my hands in toilet paper and then proceed to smear it all over the seat, so it was covered. I didn't know this girl, I was never going to see her again? I literally get back to her room just as she is about to walk out and pretend I'm going through her record collection. We fuck for the next 20 minutes, and the whole time I'm thinking how funny it would be if she needed to use the toilet and see what was in there and blame her house mate. Went back to the toilet to see my art work. Holy shit that smell (Dhal & Spinach curry the night before will do that) Ended up taking a packet of Mozzarella cheese from her fridge, and eating it as I walked to find a cab.
This would've been 2 years ago. I remember going back to this girls house who was really into classical style music. I impressed her with my knowledge of Igor Stravinsky and she made reference to this all night. We get back to her place and she remembers she left her house key at her friends house. Not a issue, her housemate will let us in. Average dude wearing a Angry Birds t-shirt. We get to her room, and get into it straight away before she asks if she can could slip into the shower quickly, I say sure. By this time I needed to take the biggest shit. I'm talking like shitting out a cement block. I use the only toilet in the house, which is a couple of meters away from the bathroom she was in. I don't know why I did this, but I decided to take a shit with the seat still down. Like there was no reason for me to do it, I was just like 'fuck it'. Being drunk as fuck I thought I'd be a good idea to wrap my hands in toilet paper and then proceed to smear it all over the seat, so it was covered. I didn't know this girl, I was never going to see her again? I literally get back to her room just as she is about to walk out and pretend I'm going through her record collection. We fuck for the next 20 minutes, and the whole time I'm thinking how funny it would be if she needed to use the toilet and see what was in there and blame her house mate. Went back to the toilet to see my art work. Holy shit that smell (Dhal & Spinach curry the night before will do that) Ended up taking a packet of Mozzarella cheese from her fridge, and eating it as I walked to find a cab.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI'm guessing you grew up in the midwest?[close]
no, not even close. i grew up in a small city outside of Boston where every member of the city council and school committee is also a real estate agent who profits off of low income housing, which, for a myriad of reasons, brings/fosters a lot of crazy drug use to town. At one time, there were a ton of jobs in the factories and mills, now they're all closed and there is nothing to do but take drugs, live at home, go to the bar, and waste the unemployment/SSI/disability check.
I ran into a dude I hadn't seen in 11 years a few nights ago and he said "you know the first thing that struck me when i came back here? it was all the broken TVs on the side of the road. Broken TVs and syringes."[close]
This screams south shore or right outside of Worcester, fuck almost as depressing as Pittsfield
508, homie.
Pittsfield sucks too. I lived in North Adams 10 years ago, and visit often. Fuck, it's a shitty area to live in. At least out there, though, you've got the mountains. down here all i've got is the taunton river.[close]
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI'm guessing you grew up in the midwest?[close]
no, not even close. i grew up in a small city outside of Boston where every member of the city council and school committee is also a real estate agent who profits off of low income housing, which, for a myriad of reasons, brings/fosters a lot of crazy drug use to town. At one time, there were a ton of jobs in the factories and mills, now they're all closed and there is nothing to do but take drugs, live at home, go to the bar, and waste the unemployment/SSI/disability check.
I ran into a dude I hadn't seen in 11 years a few nights ago and he said "you know the first thing that struck me when i came back here? it was all the broken TVs on the side of the road. Broken TVs and syringes."[close]
This screams south shore or right outside of Worcester, fuck almost as depressing as Pittsfield
508, homie.
Pittsfield sucks too. I lived in North Adams 10 years ago, and visit often. Fuck, it's a shitty area to live in. At least out there, though, you've got the mountains. down here all i've got is the taunton river.[close][close]
MCLA? Also Northampton right here, and yeah these mountains rock
Update for my 21st century pussy project: 3 girls replied so far, one isn't a looker (haven't replied yet and feel bad), another one is hot but a muslim (hard mode?) and the final one is hot, in her mid 20s, a dom and most likely going to murder me
Expand QuoteUpdate for my 21st century pussy project: 3 girls replied so far, one isn't a looker (haven't replied yet and feel bad), another one is hot but a muslim (hard mode?) and the final one is hot, in her mid 20s, a dom and most likely going to murder me[close]
Can you post their pictures?
Please fuck the muslim.
(http://i.imgur.com/UVYIKNe.gif)
Update for my 21st century pussy project: 3 girls replied so far, one isn't a looker (haven't replied yet and feel bad), another one is hot but a muslim (hard mode?) and the final one is hot, in her mid 20s, a dom and most likely going to murder me
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteUpdate for my 21st century pussy project: 3 girls replied so far, one isn't a looker (haven't replied yet and feel bad), another one is hot but a muslim (hard mode?) and the final one is hot, in her mid 20s, a dom and most likely going to murder me[close]
Can you post their pictures?
Please fuck the muslim.
(http://i.imgur.com/UVYIKNe.gif)[close]
Go for the dom and describe us how she made you squeal like a pig. If you make that kind of an effort and finally man up for the task, make it count!
girlfriend has friend over to stay with us for weekend. friday night, things almost get weird. after a saturday morning hangover fuck, she tells me she wants to have a threesome, but definitely not with her friend. That part makes sense, and I nervously except because even though I'm not very interested in the idea (sorry dudes), itd be dumb to turn down the experience. saturday night, low and behold, things get weird. I know we said no to the friend staying, but once all 3 of us were hammered, thinks kinda took off. In retrospect, I should have known to stop it but, I was too drunk to say no.
After about 10 minutes of whatever, my girlfriend storms out the room. I quickly jump off the friend, and chase after my girlfriend. Blow out arguement, I go out for a smoke, the other friend comes out and says I just lost my best friend wah wah wah. Bitch, I maybe just lost mine. I go back in. girlfriend is passed out. I thank god for that and lay down. other girl sleeps on the tile in the kitchen.
In the morning, my girlfriend is pissed. I don't say much, cause I'm not that stupid, but she basically starts packing her shit up to move out. I sit on the bed, fairly distraught, but eventually she sits down next to me to tell me what her game plan about moving out is. I listen. within minutes, we're fucking, which transitions to me eating her out, with her trying her hardest not to cum while nearly yelling at me, which then transitions back to what is probably the best sex of my life.
thats the story of my first (and definitely last) 3some, how i discovered a minor fetish, and how i fell even more in love with this bat shit crazy girl. celebrating an anniversary tomorrow.
Fucking my ex girlfriend in my living room, we got up and noticed that she left a big red stain of period blood on the couch.? We flipped it over and continued.? Didn't think twice.
Expand QuoteFucking my ex girlfriend in my living room, we got up and noticed that she left a big red stain of period blood on the couch.? We flipped it over and continued.? Didn't think twice.[close]
so you got both sides of the cushion bloody? i smell some holes in this story
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteFucking my ex girlfriend in my living room, we got up and noticed that she left a big red stain of period blood on the couch.? We flipped it over and continued.? Didn't think twice.[close]
so you got both sides of the cushion bloody? i smell some holes in this story[close]
bloody smelly holes
girlfriend has friend over to stay with us for weekend. friday night, things almost get weird. after a saturday morning hangover fuck, she tells me she wants to have a threesome, but definitely not with her friend. That part makes sense, and I nervously except because even though I'm not very interested in the idea (sorry dudes), itd be dumb to turn down the experience. saturday night, low and behold, things get weird. I know we said no to the friend staying, but once all 3 of us were hammered, thinks kinda took off. In retrospect, I should have known to stop it but, I was too drunk to say no.
After about 10 minutes of whatever, my girlfriend storms out the room. I quickly jump off the friend, and chase after my girlfriend. Blow out arguement, I go out for a smoke, the other friend comes out and says I just lost my best friend wah wah wah. Bitch, I maybe just lost mine. I go back in. girlfriend is passed out. I thank god for that and lay down. other girl sleeps on the tile in the kitchen.
In the morning, my girlfriend is pissed. I don't say much, cause I'm not that stupid, but she basically starts packing her shit up to move out. I sit on the bed, fairly distraught, but eventually she sits down next to me to tell me what her game plan about moving out is. I listen. within minutes, we're fucking, which transitions to me eating her out, with her trying her hardest not to cum while nearly yelling at me, which then transitions back to what is probably the best sex of my life.
thats the story of my first (and definitely last) 3some, how i discovered a minor fetish, and how i fell even more in love with this bat shit crazy girl. celebrating an anniversary tomorrow.
I got head in a Mexican restaurant parking lot. Nice white family walks by. Made eye-contact. Didn't tell her. Stared and she kept going.
Expand Quotegirlfriend has friend over to stay with us for weekend. friday night, things almost get weird. after a saturday morning hangover fuck, she tells me she wants to have a threesome, but definitely not with her friend. That part makes sense, and I nervously except because even though I'm not very interested in the idea (sorry dudes), itd be dumb to turn down the experience. saturday night, low and behold, things get weird. I know we said no to the friend staying, but once all 3 of us were hammered, thinks kinda took off. In retrospect, I should have known to stop it but, I was too drunk to say no.
After about 10 minutes of whatever, my girlfriend storms out the room. I quickly jump off the friend, and chase after my girlfriend. Blow out arguement, I go out for a smoke, the other friend comes out and says I just lost my best friend wah wah wah. Bitch, I maybe just lost mine. I go back in. girlfriend is passed out. I thank god for that and lay down. other girl sleeps on the tile in the kitchen.
In the morning, my girlfriend is pissed. I don't say much, cause I'm not that stupid, but she basically starts packing her shit up to move out. I sit on the bed, fairly distraught, but eventually she sits down next to me to tell me what her game plan about moving out is. I listen. within minutes, we're fucking, which transitions to me eating her out, with her trying her hardest not to cum while nearly yelling at me, which then transitions back to what is probably the best sex of my life.
thats the story of my first (and definitely last) 3some, how i discovered a minor fetish, and how i fell even more in love with this bat shit crazy girl. celebrating an anniversary tomorrow.[close]
My first threesome was an awkward situation like that but didn't have the blow-out ending. My girlfriend at the time had brought up the idea of bringing home a chick to play with in front of me. The hard exterior of me was saying "Sure...I guess that would be cool if it happened. We'll see when it does.", but the soft inside of me was screaming "HO-LEE SHIT! WE GON' HAVE A THREE WAAAYY".
A few months later, a friend of mine we'll refer to as Kim, was in town and needed a place to hang for a few hours while she waited for some people to meet her. She and my girlfriend played Mario Kart for a few hours while I kept serving them drinks. Around 3:00 AM, we all realize her friends ditched her and she's crashing with us. I go to bed with the girlfriend and Kim stays out in the living room. Girlfriend says "Ask her if she wants to join" and of course I go running into the living room to ask Kim friend if she's down. She doesn't say a word - just gets up, walks into the bedroom and starts making out with my girlfriend. All systems go.
Fast forwarding to the awkward part - I took turns going down on them and they both gave me head. I had been careful to pay more attention to my girlfriend up to this point, to make sure that she didn't spiral into some jealous episode. Girlfriend is on top of me straddling my face, Kim goes from giving me head to straight riding me. The girlfriend turned around to see that and just starts crying. I have no idea what to do, so...I just stay the course and keep the tongue work up while Kim goes to town on me.
Eventually things worked their way back into a less awkward spot and my girlfriend stopped crying. I focused a little more on the girlfriend and things finished in a good place, but the next morning, I could see some dark streaks down the wall next to my bed. Those were the mascara marks from her crying against the wall. I didn't know whether to clean those off the wall right away or keep them there as a trophy of my achievement. It was pretty weird but doesn't matter. Got two girls.
My girlfriend is in the hospital from a car crash. Both knees are bound up in those giant boots they give people with fucked up legs. The doctor needed her to pee (idk why, but whatever), positions a bedpan under her butt and leaves the room so she can have privacy, at which point my girlfriend says "Eat me out, that always makes me have to pee". I'm a bit apprehensive since we're in a hospital but then my mind thinks "When else will a situation like this occur?" so I go for it. As I'm doing it the doctor comes back in the room to check and see if she's pissed or not and just sees me going to town on her. I'm kicked out of the hospital for the day and now I'm kind of nervous to go back there.
My girlfriend is in the hospital from a car crash. Both knees are bound up in those giant boots they give people with fucked up legs. The doctor needed her to pee (idk why, but whatever), positions a bedpan under her butt and leaves the room so she can have privacy, at which point my girlfriend says "Eat me out, that always makes me have to pee". I'm a bit apprehensive since we're in a hospital but then my mind thinks "When else will a situation like this occur?" so I go for it. As I'm doing it the doctor comes back in the room to check and see if she's pissed or not and just sees me going to town on her. I'm kicked out of the hospital for the day and now I'm kind of nervous to go back there.
My girlfriend is in the hospital from a car crash. Both knees are bound up in those giant boots they give people with fucked up legs. The doctor needed her to pee (idk why, but whatever), positions a bedpan under her butt and leaves the room so she can have privacy, at which point my girlfriend says "Eat me out, that always makes me have to pee". I'm a bit apprehensive since we're in a hospital but then my mind thinks "When else will a situation like this occur?" so I go for it. As I'm doing it the doctor comes back in the room to check and see if she's pissed or not and just sees me going to town on her. I'm kicked out of the hospital for the day and now I'm kind of nervous to go back there.
My girlfriend is in the hospital from a car crash. Both knees are bound up in those giant boots they give people with fucked up legs. The doctor needed her to pee (idk why, but whatever), positions a bedpan under her butt and leaves the room so she can have privacy, at which point my girlfriend says "Eat me out, that always makes me have to pee". I'm a bit apprehensive since we're in a hospital but then my mind thinks "When else will a situation like this occur?" so I go for it. As I'm doing it the doctor comes back in the room to check and see if she's pissed or not and just sees me going to town on her. I'm kicked out of the hospital for the day and now I'm kind of nervous to go back there.
Not too long, maybe like 5 minutes or a bit more. I guess it's better the doctor than her family because they were there also.Expand QuoteMy girlfriend is in the hospital from a car crash. Both knees are bound up in those giant boots they give people with fucked up legs. The doctor needed her to pee (idk why, but whatever), positions a bedpan under her butt and leaves the room so she can have privacy, at which point my girlfriend says "Eat me out, that always makes me have to pee". I'm a bit apprehensive since we're in a hospital but then my mind thinks "When else will a situation like this occur?" so I go for it. As I'm doing it the doctor comes back in the room to check and see if she's pissed or not and just sees me going to town on her. I'm kicked out of the hospital for the day and now I'm kind of nervous to go back there.[close]
this is one of the best stories ive heard on here. bravo!
how long were you going at it before he caught you?
Not too long, maybe like 5 minutes or a bit more. I guess it's better the doctor than her family because they were there also.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteMy girlfriend is in the hospital from a car crash. Both knees are bound up in those giant boots they give people with fucked up legs. The doctor needed her to pee (idk why, but whatever), positions a bedpan under her butt and leaves the room so she can have privacy, at which point my girlfriend says "Eat me out, that always makes me have to pee". I'm a bit apprehensive since we're in a hospital but then my mind thinks "When else will a situation like this occur?" so I go for it. As I'm doing it the doctor comes back in the room to check and see if she's pissed or not and just sees me going to town on her. I'm kicked out of the hospital for the day and now I'm kind of nervous to go back there.[close]
this is one of the best stories ive heard on here. bravo!
how long were you going at it before he caught you?[close]
I hope he filed this under Doctor-Patient confidentiality and just tried to pretend it didn't happen.Expand QuoteNot too long, maybe like 5 minutes or a bit more. I guess it's better the doctor than her family because they were there also.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteMy girlfriend is in the hospital from a car crash. Both knees are bound up in those giant boots they give people with fucked up legs. The doctor needed her to pee (idk why, but whatever), positions a bedpan under her butt and leaves the room so she can have privacy, at which point my girlfriend says "Eat me out, that always makes me have to pee". I'm a bit apprehensive since we're in a hospital but then my mind thinks "When else will a situation like this occur?" so I go for it. As I'm doing it the doctor comes back in the room to check and see if she's pissed or not and just sees me going to town on her. I'm kicked out of the hospital for the day and now I'm kind of nervous to go back there.[close]
this is one of the best stories ive heard on here. bravo!
how long were you going at it before he caught you?[close][close]
Do you think the doc snitched to her family about what he saw, Jimi?
I hope he filed this under Doctor-Patient confidentiality and just tried to pretend it didn't happen.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteNot too long, maybe like 5 minutes or a bit more. I guess it's better the doctor than her family because they were there also.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteMy girlfriend is in the hospital from a car crash. Both knees are bound up in those giant boots they give people with fucked up legs. The doctor needed her to pee (idk why, but whatever), positions a bedpan under her butt and leaves the room so she can have privacy, at which point my girlfriend says "Eat me out, that always makes me have to pee". I'm a bit apprehensive since we're in a hospital but then my mind thinks "When else will a situation like this occur?" so I go for it. As I'm doing it the doctor comes back in the room to check and see if she's pissed or not and just sees me going to town on her. I'm kicked out of the hospital for the day and now I'm kind of nervous to go back there.[close]
this is one of the best stories ive heard on here. bravo!
how long were you going at it before he caught you?[close][close]
Do you think the doc snitched to her family about what he saw, Jimi?[close]
I got head in a Mexican restaurant parking lot. Nice white family walks by. Made eye-contact. Didn't tell her. Stared and she kept going.
Expand QuoteI got head in a Mexican restaurant parking lot. Nice white family walks by. Made eye-contact. Didn't tell her. Stared and she kept going.[close]
haha similar situation with me
me an an ex going reverse cowgirl at the park at night. It was on a bench near the bathroom so we didn't see the lady walking her tiny lil dog until she walk around the corner of the bathroom and we just sorta stopped and stared at her with both our pants at our ankles speechless.
we were pretty much over it after that.
The wreck happened 2 saturdays ago so there's no way I could break up with someone who's laid up and can't walk.Especially if she's still good to go like that.
The wreck happened 2 saturdays ago so there's no way I could break up with someone who's laid up and can't walk.
The wreck happened 2 saturdays ago so there's no way I could break up with someone who's laid up and can't walk.
Expand QuoteThe wreck happened 2 saturdays ago so there's no way I could break up with someone who's laid up and can't walk.[close]
Sounds like a Costanza situation on an episode of Seinfeld.
she doesnt want you to come over get a haircut, she wants you to come over and fuck. get it in man. fuck what your hair looks like.
Expand Quoteshe doesnt want you to come over get a haircut, she wants you to come over and fuck. get it in man. fuck what your hair looks like.[close]
DO YOU REALLY THINK SO? YOU READ BETWEEN THE LINES LIKE A BOSS.
So when I was in the 8th grade I went to a private school (parents choice, I'm not religious) and I'd sat next to this girl in my social studies class all year. I'd known this girl since like 3rd grade but never really talked to her. As the year went on we became really close and I soon found out she wasn't like the rest of the goody christian girls that went to this school. She was just as horny as I was! Near the end of the year we were sitting on the stairs after school just talking about how she'd never been fingered or given head or done anything besides make out. Suddenly it clicked in my brain that this is my chance, I seize the opportunity and lean in to start making out with her. After a few minutes of some exciting young teen make out time I decide to stick my hang down her pants. She let me play with her for a little while before she realized we were out in the open. We then came up with the idea to go in her mom's classroom (her mom was a teacher at this school) and do stuff in the storage closet while moms in a meeting. We start making out in the storage closet and one thing leads to another and her pants are off and I'm fingering her while shes giving me a bj. Right as I was about to come we hear the classroom door open and our hearts go from beating 1000 miles an hour to a dead stop. She quickly puts her pants back on and tells me not to make a sound. She goes into the class room and then texts me that it's her sister that came in the room. Her sisters a total christian bitch and would freak out if a random dude just came running out of the closet with a hard on and would tell on us for sure. I end up waiting in the closet silently with the worst blue balls of my life for an hour and a half. Her sister finally leaves and I run out of the room. She later repaid for my blue balls by finishing what she had started behind a dumpster in the back of Fred Myers. What I would give to be 14 again........
I was planning to get a haircut for like 4 months and last wednesday my friend hooked me up with a barber girl who cuts at her place for 10 bucks. So i went there and her sister was there too. It was pretty mellow, i smoked a spliff and she did the haircut. We chilled down a bit and the chicks were like "what are u up now?". I was having a day off next day so i was down for couple of beers. Felt fucking stupid with a new haircut but the barber's sister gave me good fuck after couple of beers at their place. There wasn't anything awkward about it and that made me feel awkward. When I left she said that i should come and get a haircut again soon. Nice thing though i won't be doing it cause the haircut sucked.
Hooking up with a chick from craigslist and not using a rubber is fucking game!non-refundable ticket on the herptrain
PM me her name, i have a pretty awesome feeling that i know who you are talking about.Sounds like my college boyfriend ::)
did she smell her finger afterwards and rate your smell on a scale from 1-10 while singing songs from "sounds of music"?
Keep the stories coming Grubby Mits.
This was on my local news channel about a week ago. Not me, but somewhat appropriate for this thread maybe. Sorry if posted already.
http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht (http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht)
Edit: Fucking in a downtown canal.
Expand QuoteKeep the stories coming Grubby Mits.
This was on my local news channel about a week ago. Not me, but somewhat appropriate for this thread maybe. Sorry if posted already.
http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht (http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht)
Edit: Fucking in a downtown canal.[close]
Yeah they showed that here as well. They had guts... :-)
Well here is a story, not really mine, but I was there when it happened.
Here we go:
Around halloween a lot of kids in Belgium have a week off from school. So a few years ago I was in college and we were going to celebrate halloween at a good friend's house. His parents were gone for the weekend and he decided to throw a party. The guy is really into pot and stuff and he decided to go buy some in Holland, which is only 25 minutes away for us. I don't smoke or drink, but a lot of my friends do, so they were all pretty psyched. Dude is a great guy overall and kept whining about how he hoped that some chick would come to his party. He had a huge crush on her but she was kind of shy and playing hard to get.
Allright around 9 pm people start to come in and the party started to go down. Dudes were getting high chicks were getting drunk. A friend and me were the straight edge dudes, so we were the only sober dudes and we were just laughing at the stupidy going down. It was awesome.
About an hour into the party this chick drops by. My friend (who's parents the house belonged to) runs up to me and says "That's the girl I was talking about!". After 5 minutes I saw an akward interaction between two people that both seemed "down to fuck" but were holding the boat off. He was just being a wimp and she was acting that it was not gonna happen, but you could tell she wanted it anyway.
My friend was constantly around her, he was high, and she was getting tipsy. Tipsy became drunk. And drunk became wasted... She started to get pretty horny... and started kissing my friend.
After a while I saw both of them going upstairs and yelled "FINALLY" at them. She winked at me and pulled him upstairs. My friend also said to keep an eye out in the hallway so no one would catch them while they got down to business.
As promised, he was a good friend, I was keeping an eye out for him. When one of a sudden I hear the dude screaming. Not just regular screaming, like life threatening screams.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah my dick, what have you done to me dick!!! what have you done!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelppppp!!!"
Dropped my drink and I rushed in there, flipped they lights on...
And it was just like a fucking murder scene. The sheets, the bed, the wallpaper the carpet... literally EVERYTHING was covered in blood. Not just drops, but I mean, it looked sprayed on.
I looked at my friend and his underwear was soaked with blood and there was blood running down his legs.
My friend kept screaming and running around. Making the bloodstains even worse.
The chick was crying and covering her face with her hands. When she looked up her mouth was covered in blood as well...
I started tripping out and asked what happend while we rushed to my car... I seriously thought she bit off his dick.
While driving to the hospital, things got clear:
The chick was so wasted that she was horny but she didn't really know what she was doing. While she was giving him head and was jerking him off. She jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....
Afterwards, the doctor explained that blood runs to your dong when you get a boner, and it literally sprays out because of the pressure...
Dude ended up getting circumsized the same night...
Last year, 7 years later. They got married, they have two kids, and they lived happily ever after...
She jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....I believe the phrase is snapping your banjo string
Why? I have a hard time thinking that my parents or any parents for that matter would have this kind of story, even if it's obvious that my parents as well as any parents must have a lot of stories likes that. I find it funny to think about them in those kind of situation. It's not about the sexual part of it, it's more about the awkwardness of some situations.WTF? You are a freak.Expand QuoteSometimes I wonder about my parents adventures being young and stuff.[close]
Expand QuoteKeep the stories coming Grubby Mits.
This was on my local news channel about a week ago. Not me, but somewhat appropriate for this thread maybe. Sorry if posted already.
http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht (http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht)
Edit: Fucking in a downtown canal.[close]
Yeah they showed that here as well. They had guts... :-)
Well here is a story, not really mine, but I was there when it happened.
Here we go:
Around halloween a lot of kids in Belgium have a week off from school. So a few years ago I was in college and we were going to celebrate halloween at a good friend's house. His parents were gone for the weekend and he decided to throw a party. The guy is really into pot and stuff and he decided to go buy some in Holland, which is only 25 minutes away for us. I don't smoke or drink, but a lot of my friends do, so they were all pretty psyched. Dude is a great guy overall and kept whining about how he hoped that some chick would come to his party. He had a huge crush on her but she was kind of shy and playing hard to get.
Allright around 9 pm people start to come in and the party started to go down. Dudes were getting high chicks were getting drunk. A friend and me were the straight edge dudes, so we were the only sober dudes and we were just laughing at the stupidy going down. It was awesome.
About an hour into the party this chick drops by. My friend (who's parents the house belonged to) runs up to me and says "That's the girl I was talking about!". After 5 minutes I saw an akward interaction between two people that both seemed "down to fuck" but were holding the boat off. He was just being a wimp and she was acting that it was not gonna happen, but you could tell she wanted it anyway.
My friend was constantly around her, he was high, and she was getting tipsy. Tipsy became drunk. And drunk became wasted... She started to get pretty horny... and started kissing my friend.
After a while I saw both of them going upstairs and yelled "FINALLY" at them. She winked at me and pulled him upstairs. My friend also said to keep an eye out in the hallway so no one would catch them while they got down to business.
As promised, he was a good friend, I was keeping an eye out for him. When one of a sudden I hear the dude screaming. Not just regular screaming, like life threatening screams.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah my dick, what have you done to me dick!!! what have you done!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelppppp!!!"
Dropped my drink and I rushed in there, flipped they lights on...
And it was just like a fucking murder scene. The sheets, the bed, the wallpaper the carpet... literally EVERYTHING was covered in blood. Not just drops, but I mean, it looked sprayed on.
I looked at my friend and his underwear was soaked with blood and there was blood running down his legs.
My friend kept screaming and running around. Making the bloodstains even worse.
The chick was crying and covering her face with her hands. When she looked up her mouth was covered in blood as well...
I started tripping out and asked what happend while we rushed to my car... I seriously thought she bit off his dick.
While driving to the hospital, things got clear:
The chick was so wasted that she was horny but she didn't really know what she was doing. While she was giving him head and was jerking him off. She jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....
Afterwards, the doctor explained that blood runs to your dong when you get a boner, and it literally sprays out because of the pressure...
Dude ended up getting circumsized the same night...
Last year, 7 years later. They got married, they have two kids, and they lived happily ever after...
Last night, I was working downtown as an usher at the Bassnectar show. Some girl strips off what little clothing she already had on and gets completely naked right in front of me. I walk up to her and tell her to put her clothes back on. She gets in my face and of course I can't hear shit. She runs off streaking into the crowd and ended up punching a female coworker in the jaw.
Also, I later found a twenty dollar bill and my boss let me keep it.
PLEASE TELL ME THE PART ABOUT THEM GETTING MARRIED WASN'T MADE UP!!! IF THAT WAS ME I'D TELL THAT STORY TO MY KIDS EVERYDAYWhy? I have a hard time thinking that my parents or any parents for that matter would have this kind of story, even if it's obvious that my parents as well as any parents must have a lot of stories likes that. I find it funny to think about them in those kind of situation. It's not about the sexual part of it, it's more about the awkwardness of some situations.Expand QuoteWTF?? You are a freak.Expand QuoteSometimes I wonder about my parents adventures being young and stuff.[close][close]
So last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom
I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...
I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.
At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted
I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...
She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk
She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her
Expand QuoteSo last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom
I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...
I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.
At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted
I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...
She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk
She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her[close]
wow ur a immature prick, get fucked
Expand QuoteSo last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom
I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...
I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.
At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted
I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...
She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk
She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her[close]
wow ur a immature prick, get fucked
I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work,
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteSo last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom
I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...
I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.
At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted
I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...
She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk
She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her[close]
wow ur a immature prick, get fucked[close]
Lol it's all good, but hey, this ain't the "break up" thread, it's the "awkward sexual experiences" thread and this was definitely awkward at the time
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteSo last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom
I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...
I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.
At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted
I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...
She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk
She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her[close]
wow ur a immature prick, get fucked[close]
Lol it's all good, but hey, this ain't the "break up" thread, it's the "awkward sexual experiences" thread and this was definitely awkward at the time[close]
wow, compared to you i must be dirty as fuck if getting some dried blood on a condom is awkward. i mean i fuck my girl on her period and lick her asshole. on purpose too.
or youre just a wuss. one or the other.
If anyones interested I can keep writing, had a funny car head experience the other day and will be fucking the girl over the next few days.
Dude above me should get some kind of writing award.
Was with an (ex)girlfriend, and I can't remember exactly the chain of events but we basically had a talk and decided we were going to break up. I was probably 19 at the time, her 18 or so. But us being horny youngsters decided we would have going away sex.
This was not the best idea for emotional teenager(s). We are getting it on as usual, I definitely have learned a few things since but it's getting close to the end. This particular girlfriend was on all this gnarly effective birth control so I would raw dog and cum inside her everytime. Damn do I miss that... Anyways, she's on top but bent over with her chest pressed on mine. I finish inside her and I notice something is off. She is making a noise, very quietly at first. And it all clicks. She's crying. Not blubbery mess tears but quietly crying. So here I am, completely naked, soaking in my own man fluids inside my now EX-girlfriends pudding as she lay crying on top of me and I am at a loss of what to do. So I basically give her the bro back pat until she stops. And we kissed and that was that. Not much compared to some of the shit in here haha. Filthy animals.
I've done this a few times and its not fun. If it keeps happening the doctor said you have a choice of circumcision or cutting a V out of the string and stitching until it heals with a scar that will be more tear resistant. Luckily mine scarred enough not to require further medical intervention.I believe the phrase is snapping your banjo stringExpand QuoteShe jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....[close]
unfortunately I have nothing to contribute, but I can gnar everyone with a good story.
I'm in Ukraine right now - Kiev to be exact - and the other night I had sex with a genuine alcoholic. The women here are all fucking gorgeous and this one's no exception but aside from looks she really wasn't my type. She's a friend of a friend so I stayed with her for a few days and made the mistake of having sex on the first night. It was alright at first and I was pretty drunk too but she chain smokes like no other - if I had to guess at least 3 packs a day but probably more since it's literally one after the other ALL day. The first day I got there I arrived at 8am and she was already drinking and offered me a beer at well so I took it thinking, "when in Rome" but after I took a nap for a few hours then woke up and she was still drinking. I think maybe I had another glass of wine but kept it tame so I could save myself for that night after that so we just hung out for a bit then went to a movie in this film festival where she fell asleep before it even started. After that we went out for drinks again then headed back to hers which resulted in some odd sexual conversations followed by drunken sex. Afterwards she was saying things like, "I don't want you to ever put clothes on again" and "I want to rape you again in the morning". She then dragged me to her bedroom but was pretty well pushing me out of the bed in her sleep so I went to sleep in the living room. The next morning I woke up at 7am to this girl smoking cigarettes and blowing smoke in my face with a glass of wine in her hand just watching me sleep. Shit was weird.
Expand QuoteI'm in Ukraine right now - Kiev to be exact - and the other night I had sex with a genuine alcoholic. The women here are all fucking gorgeous and this one's no exception but aside from looks she really wasn't my type. She's a friend of a friend so I stayed with her for a few days and made the mistake of having sex on the first night. It was alright at first and I was pretty drunk too but she chain smokes like no other - if I had to guess at least 3 packs a day but probably more since it's literally one after the other ALL day. The first day I got there I arrived at 8am and she was already drinking and offered me a beer at well so I took it thinking, "when in Rome" but after I took a nap for a few hours then woke up and she was still drinking. I think maybe I had another glass of wine but kept it tame so I could save myself for that night after that so we just hung out for a bit then went to a movie in this film festival where she fell asleep before it even started. After that we went out for drinks again then headed back to hers which resulted in some odd sexual conversations followed by drunken sex. Afterwards she was saying things like, "I don't want you to ever put clothes on again" and "I want to rape you again in the morning". She then dragged me to her bedroom but was pretty well pushing me out of the bed in her sleep so I went to sleep in the living room. The next morning I woke up at 7am to this girl smoking cigarettes and blowing smoke in my face with a glass of wine in her hand just watching me sleep. Shit was weird.[close]
That's not weird. That's Ukraine.
ill post some more shit tomorrow
Just posting to try to bump this thread but I went into a sex shop for the first time today. It was creepier yet cleaner than I had originally expected. The dude working reminded me of Jeff Albertson (Comic Book Guy) from the Simpsons if he were really into the Denver Broncos and Lord of the Rings. There was also a wall full of very very expensive butt plugs, didn't see that coming.
Sorry if this wasn't the great piece of literature you were expecting, I'm just trying to keep one of slap's funniest/most interesting/horrifying threads from fading into obscurity.
I've done this a few times and its not fun. If it keeps happening the doctor said you have a choice of circumcision or cutting a V out of the string and stitching until it heals with a scar that will be more tear resistant. Luckily mine scarred enough not to require further medical intervention.Expand QuoteI believe the phrase is snapping your banjo stringExpand QuoteShe jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....[close][close]
Had sex with my ex girlfriend mom like a month ago in Aspen. It was awkward because they both made the same noises when cumming..
Expand QuoteHad sex with my ex girlfriend mom like a month ago in Aspen. It was awkward because they both made the same noises when cumming..[close]
Necessito mucho mas detail.
you shouldnt swear on your sisters ballsack.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteHad sex with my ex girlfriend mom like a month ago in Aspen. It was awkward because they both made the same noises when cumming..[close]
Necessito mucho mas detail.[close]
Well I ran into her on the street and we decided to go out for drink, we talked about her daughter (my ex) over margaritas. We had like three each then left the bar. We decided to go back to her nice ass condo and continue our buzz, so we stopped and got a bottle of patron on the way.
When we go there she gave me like 8 xanax and some percs I popped two xannies and made a drink. She's a hot ass older woman straight up model status she has these nice big perfect breast that are real, I made a comment about them and she was like giggling and she was wearing a skimpy long dress,we started to get closer to each other to the point where were drinking and she's on my lap. I start to feel her up and brought those beauties out and started sucking on them. We made out and I asked for a blow job because she was so horny I knew she would . She went down on me for like 5 minutes then I put it in her and started going for it really rough. I wanted to show this older hot milf OF MY EX GIRLFRIEND a good time. She was screaming and at times she couldn't even breathe and like I was saying in the post before she made these cute noises when she was about to cum just like me ex girlfriend did. She fell asleep like right after and I grabbed my coat and was about to dip out after I wrote her a nice note. Before I left I went into the bathroom and checked out all her pills, she had like bottles and bottles of really good shit. I ended up taking like 10 80mg oxy's 50 xanax bars, and a shit load of other goods. She would never notice she had like so god damn much. I caught the taxi home and a week later my ex messaged me saying"Hey I head you ran into my mom! miss you love you" and I replied "yeah we had a couple drinks and talked about you for hours she's a really FUN mom"..This story is true. I swear on my ball sack and my little sisters.
I need to see pictures of both of them. Then I will shower with gnars.
You can pm them to me if it'll make you feel better. No, they won't leave Slap.
That's her mom.. Not the hottest milf ever but..whatever Iwas confused and very drunkhave a dick, and very few people get to pull this off.
Expand QuoteThat's her mom.. Not the hottest milf ever but..whatever Iwas confused and very drunkhave a dick, and very few people get to pull this off.[close]
Gnars for days.
I will show you her titties also but i'm done for now haha.
Expand QuoteThat's her mom.. Not the hottest milf ever but..whatever Iwas confused and very drunkhave a dick, and very few people get to pull this off.[close]
Gnars for days.
Poorlatino, were you also drunk while writing the story??
jus kiddin :-X
I will show you her titties also but i'm done for now haha.I'm holding you to this!
Expand QuoteI need to see pictures of both of them. Then I will shower with gnars.[close]
K I will, I'm just scared someone might know them on slap and tell my ex that I fucked her beautiful mom.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI need to see pictures of both of them. Then I will shower with gnars.[close]
K I will, I'm just scared someone might know them on slap and tell my ex that I fucked her beautiful mom.[close]
man you would be surprised...
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI need to see pictures of both of them. Then I will shower with gnars.[close]
K I will, I'm just scared someone might know them on slap and tell my ex that I fucked her beautiful mom.[close]
man you would be surprised...[close]
Yeah I'm really sketched out about it.. I'm just gonna take down the pictures tomorrow night.
Obviously would gnar you if I could, poorlatino. But all I can say is: HOW? You must be one attractive fellow.
Obviously would gnar you if I could, poorlatino. But all I can say is: HOW? You must be one attractive fellow.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI need to see pictures of both of them. Then I will shower with gnars.[close]
K I will, I'm just scared someone might know them on slap and tell my ex that I fucked her beautiful mom.[close]
man you would be surprised...[close]
Yeah I'm really sketched out about it.. I'm just gonna take down the pictures tomorrow night.[close]
hahaha trust me some lurker on here told a girl that I posted about her in the OkCupid thread & she tried to air me out on instagram by screenshotting my post & lying about what actually happened (it was shitty date because her attitude sucked). not that i really gave a fuck at first just because I didn't like her anyways, but I started talking to this other chick who actually seems really cool only to find out that she's actually friends with the first girl. I told her about the shitty date with the first one & we laughed about it but then once I found out they happened to be friends I checked the instagram post where the first chick was tryna stunt on me & she liked it. I dunno if she put 2 and 2 together yet but its gonna be a weird situation if we end up dating.
Moral of the story: Never let the internet get too real for you, lol.
Well I just checked you out like a homo and, while I can appreciate the downplay, I can see why you do well.
I would probably kill a puppy to get with either of those women, but then that is probably a big part of the reason why I don't. That and the fact I don't look like a broke Strokes member.
Honestly I'm kinda disappointed in the maybe you made her seem way hotter in the story.
All 3 of you are gonna end up on maury
Sorry I keep deleting them I just know one of her homies has to lurk slap.. P.M mePM'd gotta see what all the fuss is about!
SO as far as i have read there are no stories of broken Dicks. Wasn't sure it was possible until my dick broke getting ridden ridiculously ridden. Went to an employee party where, because i had mad promo, everything was free. IPAs are my choice so i was relatively hammered and she was drinking on my tab.Little did i know that she had been into me for a while. We go to my buddy's house where the drunken two of us are getting relatively serious. Too many friends are walking through to continue there so we roll to her house. Conveniently we have condoms, always, and after my first bust, roll to the second. Like most, second shot drunk, happens to survive longer. So intensity increasing we continue. She turns out to be a needer of the serous pounding. One out one in and a horrible crash. Felt like my shit had broken off! Turns out it had actually broken. Blue for two weeks. Don't worry, it can happen and it is not permanent! However super ill advised. Beware kinky can fuck you up!Your first post on a skateboarding forum is a short story on how you broke your dick... Why?
Your first post on a skateboarding forum is a short story on how you broke your dick... Why?leave
So I went out on a date with this Philippino girl and we went and got Pho and I like to put a lotta sriracha sauce in it and after we ate we went to her apartment and I went down on her and after a minute she started say "ouch! holy shit what the fuck" and gets up and runs into her bathroom and jumps in the shower and I hear her yelling "Sriracha sauce in my vagina!" Apparently I went down on her too soon after eating a lotta hot sauce. kinda awkward.
Girls from former soviet union countries are bat crazy and alcoholics. A friend of mine had a girlfriend from latvia and had many stories about things happening there. One time he went at a party in latvia with his girlfriend and it was a big house full with alcohol, drugs and people. Everyone was totally wasted and people would start fucking in front of everyone. My friend was sitting at a sofa dead wasted, he told us that he was so wasted that he stood there looking around and couldnt move. Then a girl unzips him and starts rubbing his dick, then she just hops on it fuckin like crazy. His girlfriend dead wasted too sees that after a while and she slaps the girl and gets my friend outta there...Expand QuoteI'm in Ukraine right now - Kiev to be exact - and the other night I had sex with a genuine alcoholic. The women here are all fucking gorgeous and this one's no exception but aside from looks she really wasn't my type. She's a friend of a friend so I stayed with her for a few days and made the mistake of having sex on the first night. It was alright at first and I was pretty drunk too but she chain smokes like no other - if I had to guess at least 3 packs a day but probably more since it's literally one after the other ALL day. The first day I got there I arrived at 8am and she was already drinking and offered me a beer at well so I took it thinking, "when in Rome" but after I took a nap for a few hours then woke up and she was still drinking. I think maybe I had another glass of wine but kept it tame so I could save myself for that night after that so we just hung out for a bit then went to a movie in this film festival where she fell asleep before it even started. After that we went out for drinks again then headed back to hers which resulted in some odd sexual conversations followed by drunken sex. Afterwards she was saying things like, "I don't want you to ever put clothes on again" and "I want to rape you again in the morning". She then dragged me to her bedroom but was pretty well pushing me out of the bed in her sleep so I went to sleep in the living room. The next morning I woke up at 7am to this girl smoking cigarettes and blowing smoke in my face with a glass of wine in her hand just watching me sleep. Shit was weird.[close]
That's not weird. That's Ukraine.
Girls from former soviet union countries are bat crazy and alcoholics. A friend of mine had a girlfriend from latvia and had many stories about things happening there. One time he went at a party in latvia with his girlfriend and it was a big house full with alcohol, drugs and people. Everyone was totally wasted and people would start fucking in front of everyone. My friend was sitting at a sofa dead wasted, he told us that he was so wasted that he stood there looking around and couldnt move. Then a girl unzips him and starts rubbing his dick, then she just hops on it fuckin like crazy. His girlfriend dead wasted too sees that after a while and she slaps the girl and gets my friend outta there...Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI'm in Ukraine right now - Kiev to be exact - and the other night I had sex with a genuine alcoholic. The women here are all fucking gorgeous and this one's no exception but aside from looks she really wasn't my type. She's a friend of a friend so I stayed with her for a few days and made the mistake of having sex on the first night. It was alright at first and I was pretty drunk too but she chain smokes like no other - if I had to guess at least 3 packs a day but probably more since it's literally one after the other ALL day. The first day I got there I arrived at 8am and she was already drinking and offered me a beer at well so I took it thinking, "when in Rome" but after I took a nap for a few hours then woke up and she was still drinking. I think maybe I had another glass of wine but kept it tame so I could save myself for that night after that so we just hung out for a bit then went to a movie in this film festival where she fell asleep before it even started. After that we went out for drinks again then headed back to hers which resulted in some odd sexual conversations followed by drunken sex. Afterwards she was saying things like, "I don't want you to ever put clothes on again" and "I want to rape you again in the morning". She then dragged me to her bedroom but was pretty well pushing me out of the bed in her sleep so I went to sleep in the living room. The next morning I woke up at 7am to this girl smoking cigarettes and blowing smoke in my face with a glass of wine in her hand just watching me sleep. Shit was weird.[close]
That's not weird. That's Ukraine.[close]
His girlfriend had her 2 female friends visit her and we would hung out. One of them liked me and another homie and one night we started a drinking contest at the spot where we were skating. We got wasted and she started blowing some of us behind a dumpster while people were passing by. Then she wanted to come at my place but she was so drunk that she fell unconscious and an ambulance came to take her. I guess we won the contest.
I literally have at least 30 awkward sexual experiences.
So it all starts at the young ripe age of 19 when I have my first gf after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. So we had been talking for a few years and were good friends and after about a week of finally going out, my perverted internet porn addicted self decides its time to stick my dick in a girls butt. Being a young girl and eager to please and experiment, this young lady willingly gives me the ole brown eye to do with as I please. I forgo the condom and from what I remember failed to inspect the cavernous butt hole with fingers prior to entering with my dick. All was going as expected until mid way through I begin to smell something going a foul. I decided to pull out and in the darkness have difficulty seeing anything, but I feel a weight on my dick almost like a midget is standing on it. I run to the bathroom and to my regret find not just a little brown stain on the head of my cock but its as if her shit had literally made a mold of itself around my cock. If I had stood out in the sun I could have let the shit dry and made a replica out of my cock with her shit. Needless to say I did not do this and hopped into the shower immediately, only to have the drain plugged with shit and having to stomp on it with my foot to get it down. I don't even remember if I told her what happened, im a nice guy so I probably said I had to piss or shit or something in the bathroom. Deep down inside I am sure she knew.
I literally have at least 30 awkward sexual experiences.
So it all starts at the young ripe age of 19 when I have my first gf after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. So we had been talking for a few years and were good friends and after about a week of finally going out, my perverted internet porn addicted self decides its time to stick my dick in a girls butt. Being a young girl and eager to please and experiment, this young lady willingly gives me the ole brown eye to do with as I please. I forgo the condom and from what I remember failed to inspect the cavernous butt hole with fingers prior to entering with my dick. All was going as expected until mid way through I begin to smell something going a foul. I decided to pull out and in the darkness have difficulty seeing anything, but I feel a weight on my dick almost like a midget is standing on it. I run to the bathroom and to my regret find not just a little brown stain on the head of my cock but its as if her shit had literally made a mold of itself around my cock. If I had stood out in the sun I could have let the shit dry and made a replica out of my cock with her shit. Needless to say I did not do this and hopped into the shower immediately, only to have the drain plugged with shit and having to stomp on it with my foot to get it down. I don't even remember if I told her what happened, im a nice guy so I probably said I had to piss or shit or something in the bathroom. Deep down inside I am sure she knew.
I don't think any mucus membrane does. I'm sure if you touched your eyes after that you wouldn't be too stoked either.Expand QuoteSo I went out on a date with this Philippino girl and we went and got Pho and I like to put a lotta sriracha sauce in it and after we ate we went to her apartment and I went down on her and after a minute she started say "ouch! holy shit what the fuck" and gets up and runs into her bathroom and jumps in the shower and I hear her yelling "Sriracha sauce in my vagina!" Apparently I went down on her too soon after eating a lotta hot sauce. kinda awkward.[close]
I fingered my girlfriend a few hours after cutting up a habanero pepper and she ran to the bathroom screaming. The vagina doesn't tolerate spice very well I guess.
The last sex I have with anyone I've dated is always very bad somehow.
not a bad one, but akward... sure:Post the nudes. Crop her face out if you feel it's necessary.
When I was around 19, I was playing in a bunch of bands. When I look back, all of the those bands sucked balls... but I guess some people actually liked it. One of those people was a punk girl. She had crazy hair going on, and she dressed in a really weird way. She added me on myspace (yes it's been a while) and just started to post hearts on every photo. And every show we used to play, she was there.
One night we were playing another show, and of course she was there again. I was setting up my amp and she was staring at me again. She dressed kinda weird but there was no denying that she was fucking hot. Underneath that weird makeup and clothes was a beautiful girl.
The promotor gives us our cue, we go on stage and we start playing. The girl comes up front and starts staring at me again. She moves right into front of me, stares into my eyes and starts lipping "fuck me" while she opens the buttons of her shirt.
I felt super akward and didn't really know how to react. I wasn't really experienced with girls back then. I was psyched and scared at the same time. So I look into the crowd and started rocking out, trying to be cool. When I tried looking at her again... she was gone.
After the show I felt pretty bad, but I didn't see her around anymore. Maybe I had hurt her feelings? Would I ever see her again?
The dudes start drinking and me and the singer were loading our shit into the van. We were almost done when the singer's phone rang, and he walked away to talk to his girlfriend.
So... I was alone putting the gear in the van, when I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder.
I look behind me and it was the punk girl, and instead of finally saying something to me, she immediately started kissing me while she rubs my pants. Like I said, she was hot as fuck so I went along with it. I was standing there, keys in hand and locked the van.
She pulls me behind an old building, unzips my pants and starts sucking my dick. At this point we still haven't said a single thing to eachother... She had a pierced tongue and she gave me an amazing blowjob. She really put some work into it and she really didn't back down when people were passing us by. She was moaning and going for it like a champ. She started jacking me off and I blew my load in her mouth. And the only thing she said to me all night was "More... Please, I want more..."
I said I couldn't, she zipped me up, gave me a kiss turned away and just left. And I was like "What the fuck did just happen?". I felt violated and awesome at the same time.
After that, every time we played a show, she was there and we always ended up having amazing sex after the shows. We also started to date after a while and she was actually really smart and cool. Man... she was without any doubt the horniest girl I've EVER dated, she'd ask for the kinkiest and weirdest stuff but it was always amazing. Kind of a nympho so of course I wasn't the only dude handling her business. So we broke up.
It's been years since I've seen her in real life, but sometimes she just sends me a bunch of nudes out of the blue...
Awesome chick.
she was 100% sexually abused as a child
Post the nudes. Crop her face out if you feel it's necessary.Expand Quotenot a bad one, but akward... sure:
When I was around 19, I was playing in a bunch of bands. When I look back, all of the those bands sucked balls... but I guess some people actually liked it. One of those people was a punk girl. She had crazy hair going on, and she dressed in a really weird way. She added me on myspace (yes it's been a while) and just started to post hearts on every photo. And every show we used to play, she was there.
One night we were playing another show, and of course she was there again. I was setting up my amp and she was staring at me again. She dressed kinda weird but there was no denying that she was fucking hot. Underneath that weird makeup and clothes was a beautiful girl.
The promotor gives us our cue, we go on stage and we start playing. The girl comes up front and starts staring at me again. She moves right into front of me, stares into my eyes and starts lipping "fuck me" while she opens the buttons of her shirt.
I felt super akward and didn't really know how to react. I wasn't really experienced with girls back then. I was psyched and scared at the same time. So I look into the crowd and started rocking out, trying to be cool. When I tried looking at her again... she was gone.
After the show I felt pretty bad, but I didn't see her around anymore. Maybe I had hurt her feelings? Would I ever see her again?
The dudes start drinking and me and the singer were loading our shit into the van. We were almost done when the singer's phone rang, and he walked away to talk to his girlfriend.
So... I was alone putting the gear in the van, when I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder.
I look behind me and it was the punk girl, and instead of finally saying something to me, she immediately started kissing me while she rubs my pants. Like I said, she was hot as fuck so I went along with it. I was standing there, keys in hand and locked the van.
She pulls me behind an old building, unzips my pants and starts sucking my dick. At this point we still haven't said a single thing to eachother... She had a pierced tongue and she gave me an amazing blowjob. She really put some work into it and she really didn't back down when people were passing us by. She was moaning and going for it like a champ. She started jacking me off and I blew my load in her mouth. And the only thing she said to me all night was "More... Please, I want more..."
I said I couldn't, she zipped me up, gave me a kiss turned away and just left. And I was like "What the fuck did just happen?". I felt violated and awesome at the same time.
After that, every time we played a show, she was there and we always ended up having amazing sex after the shows. We also started to date after a while and she was actually really smart and cool. Man... she was without any doubt the horniest girl I've EVER dated, she'd ask for the kinkiest and weirdest stuff but it was always amazing. Kind of a nympho so of course I wasn't the only dude handling her business. So we broke up.
It's been years since I've seen her in real life, but sometimes she just sends me a bunch of nudes out of the blue...
Awesome chick.[close]
Expand QuoteThe last sex I have with anyone I've dated is always very bad somehow.[close]
I feel like once you get the feeling it could be the last time you have sex with that person it's immediately unsatisfying.
i was fucking this girl a while ago and while i was doing her doggy she was starting to finger herself in the ass. I didnt fuck her in the ass tho'.3
1. has this happened to any of you?
2. should i have fucked her in the ass?
3. should i have made this broad do the dishes? (mind i was fucking her in the kitchen with her head almost in the sink)
Your not alone, I've done it a few times.Expand QuoteIt's not that bad.Expand Quoteive been with many vaginas and even explored the asshole and have never ever found anything aside from a string. gnarly, yes, but enough of a warning sign to avoid anything below the clit. chicks are pretty clean usually...you sure it was shit? did it taste like shit?
and along with the tasting like shit subject, you guys ever wonder if maybe it doesnt taste like it smells? sometimes food smells weird and tastes great. never eaten shit, so i guess ill never know.[close]
Have any of you ever had sex with a girl while she was asleep? She was my girlfriend so it's alright, but one day i woke up with a boner and decided to just go for it. I hope i'm not alone in doing this.[close]
Eating ass is what separates the boys from the men.. What yall know about some butt fun?
Expand QuotePost the nudes. Crop her face out if you feel it's necessary.Expand Quotenot a bad one, but akward... sure:
When I was around 19, I was playing in a bunch of bands. When I look back, all of the those bands sucked balls... but I guess some people actually liked it. One of those people was a punk girl. She had crazy hair going on, and she dressed in a really weird way. She added me on myspace (yes it's been a while) and just started to post hearts on every photo. And every show we used to play, she was there.
One night we were playing another show, and of course she was there again. I was setting up my amp and she was staring at me again. She dressed kinda weird but there was no denying that she was fucking hot. Underneath that weird makeup and clothes was a beautiful girl.
The promotor gives us our cue, we go on stage and we start playing. The girl comes up front and starts staring at me again. She moves right into front of me, stares into my eyes and starts lipping "fuck me" while she opens the buttons of her shirt.
I felt super akward and didn't really know how to react. I wasn't really experienced with girls back then. I was psyched and scared at the same time. So I look into the crowd and started rocking out, trying to be cool. When I tried looking at her again... she was gone.
After the show I felt pretty bad, but I didn't see her around anymore. Maybe I had hurt her feelings? Would I ever see her again?
The dudes start drinking and me and the singer were loading our shit into the van. We were almost done when the singer's phone rang, and he walked away to talk to his girlfriend.
So... I was alone putting the gear in the van, when I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder.
I look behind me and it was the punk girl, and instead of finally saying something to me, she immediately started kissing me while she rubs my pants. Like I said, she was hot as fuck so I went along with it. I was standing there, keys in hand and locked the van.
She pulls me behind an old building, unzips my pants and starts sucking my dick. At this point we still haven't said a single thing to eachother... She had a pierced tongue and she gave me an amazing blowjob. She really put some work into it and she really didn't back down when people were passing us by. She was moaning and going for it like a champ. She started jacking me off and I blew my load in her mouth. And the only thing she said to me all night was "More... Please, I want more..."
I said I couldn't, she zipped me up, gave me a kiss turned away and just left. And I was like "What the fuck did just happen?". I felt violated and awesome at the same time.
After that, every time we played a show, she was there and we always ended up having amazing sex after the shows. We also started to date after a while and she was actually really smart and cool. Man... she was without any doubt the horniest girl I've EVER dated, she'd ask for the kinkiest and weirdest stuff but it was always amazing. Kind of a nympho so of course I wasn't the only dude handling her business. So we broke up.
It's been years since I've seen her in real life, but sometimes she just sends me a bunch of nudes out of the blue...
Awesome chick.[close][close]
i was fucking this girl a while ago and while i was doing her doggy she was starting to finger herself in the ass. I didnt fuck her in the ass tho'.Yes, yes and definitely yes. Women are better at multi tasking.
1. has this happened to any of you?
2. should i have fucked her in the ass?
3. should i have made this broad do the dishes? (mind i was fucking her in the kitchen with her head almost in the sink)
When I was 15 this chick gave me a bj on top of this air conditioner unit thing behind fred myers. I had to pee so fucking bad that I made her stop because I was about to pee in her mouth. I jumped off and started peeing in the corner with a super boner. Then I climbed back up and asked her to keep going but she wasn't sure if age would be licking pee and I told her it wasn't a big deal that I was done peeing so she was just like ok and kept going for it. I miss those days.shoulda peed on her, shit is pretty cool
shoulda peed on her, shit is pretty coolExpand QuoteWhen I was 15 this chick gave me a bj on top of this air conditioner unit thing behind fred myers. I had to pee so fucking bad that I made her stop because I was about to pee in her mouth. I jumped off and started peeing in the corner with a super boner. Then I climbed back up and asked her to keep going but she wasn't sure if age would be licking pee and I told her it wasn't a big deal that I was done peeing so she was just like ok and kept going for it. I miss those days.[close]
Expand Quote
shoulda peed on her, shit is pretty cool[close]
it really is pretty cool. i've done it a couple times in the shower only, and its always fun. not really even sexual.
Expand Quoteshoulda peed on her, shit is pretty coolExpand QuoteWhen I was 15 this chick gave me a bj on top of this air conditioner unit thing behind fred myers. I had to pee so fucking bad that I made her stop because I was about to pee in her mouth. I jumped off and started peeing in the corner with a super boner. Then I climbed back up and asked her to keep going but she wasn't sure if age would be licking pee and I told her it wasn't a big deal that I was done peeing so she was just like ok and kept going for it. I miss those days.[close][close]
it really is pretty cool. i've done it a couple times in the shower only, and its always fun. not really even sexual.
in other news my girlfriend and i figured out that she can squirt a while back and last week it was my birthday and she actually had sex with me. she thought it was gonna happen and pissed allllll over me and i came immediately. i dont care if its piss or cum, hot warm liquid on your balls while inside of a pussy feels great.
Expand QuoteExpand Quote
shoulda peed on her, shit is pretty cool[close]
it really is pretty cool. i've done it a couple times in the shower only, and its always fun. not really even sexual.[close]
best part
incredible
Exposure, next time you'll have to drop a deuce right as you nut along with the vomit. The trifecta of bodily ejections. Get on it.
Also, great story.
I promised her a burger from burger king before we get there.
Expand QuoteI promised her a burger from burger king before we get there.[close]
Clutch.
incredible
not wicked awkward but there was this whore from 'the bottoms' called big bertha. she came to a kookout we were having via found credit card and picked me out and said 'he's a fine man, i'm gonna give him whatever he wants. for free.'(http://s.pikabu.ru/images/big_size_comm/2014-02_2/13918498725166.jpg)
i was stoked, banging her w/ a finger in the rear on the corner of state and ivanhoe. people were taking photos, stopping in traffic but we were technically in a backyard and baton rouge is real cool about drunk stuff so no cops.
so i never really 'sobered up' in those days but i got soberer and halfassed regretted my exhibitionism w/ big bertha. then my friends find her by a circle K and get a laugh at my expense. we had drunken escapades and one day after getting a wake up 40 i wanted a morning blowjob. we went to my squat which was a screened in porch of a vacant home. my dick is in her mouth when the landlord shows up to find us on the porch couch like that.
'are you here to see the place?'
'um, no. no we are not here to see the place. sorry.'
'you got 10 seconds to get the fuck outta here.'
so i got a good chuckle out of that but it prolly was awkward for the poor property owner/realtor.
seen her one other time at okasha's trying to get in people's cars. the cops fuck w/ me over an open 4loko and ask if we know her. going off her LSU shirt i said 'i think she's a student'.
cop goes 'i didn't know they offered a class in sucking dick!'
i laughed but i'm thinking 'oh you know, that's my old lady.'
Expand QuoteExposure, next time you'll have to drop a deuce right as you nut along with the vomit. The trifecta of bodily ejections. Get on it.
Also, great story.[close]
throw in some tears too, therefore it'll make your nose run and then you'll have your shit firing on all cylinders homey
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExposure, next time you'll have to drop a deuce right as you nut along with the vomit. The trifecta of bodily ejections. Get on it.
Also, great story.[close]
throw in some tears too, therefore it'll make your nose run and then you'll have your shit firing on all cylinders homey[close]
haha, holy shit
i was in a tent fucking my hot girlfriend on a bunch of mushrooms and her older brother came around the back of the tent while i was sucking her tits and started flipping out at us. he was like "if i hear you kissing one more time i'm coming in there and whupping his ass". he was also on mushrooms.
Expand Quotei was in a tent fucking my hot girlfriend on a bunch of mushrooms and her older brother came around the back of the tent while i was sucking her tits and started flipping out at us. he was like "if i hear you kissing one more time i'm coming in there and whupping his ass". he was also on mushrooms.[close]
The fact you had to tell random fools on the internet that she's hot has me suspecting that she isn't
BUT in the case that she actually is hot, then that's fantastic for you man
Expand QuoteExpand Quotei was in a tent fucking my hot girlfriend on a bunch of mushrooms and her older brother came around the back of the tent while i was sucking her tits and started flipping out at us. he was like "if i hear you kissing one more time i'm coming in there and whupping his ass". he was also on mushrooms.[close]
The fact you had to tell random fools on the internet that she's hot has me suspecting that she isn't
BUT in the case that she actually is hot, then that's fantastic for you man[close]
she dumped me actually. a long time ago. she had big hooters and a tight vajeen.
last time i had a girl spend the night she wanted to fuck me but i had this nasty grizzly beard and couldn't get into making out with her (even though she didn't seem to mind the gristle). anyways, she slept in my bed and i couldn't pass out and got horny in the middle of the night and started trying to kiss her again and she didn't wake up. the next day she did get naked for me though and let me suck on her tits. her nipples were like devil horns. i never got to fuck her.
well alright den bro. you want a cookie or something den?Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quotei was in a tent fucking my hot girlfriend on a bunch of mushrooms and her older brother came around the back of the tent while i was sucking her tits and started flipping out at us. he was like "if i hear you kissing one more time i'm coming in there and whupping his ass". he was also on mushrooms.[close]
The fact you had to tell random fools on the internet that she's hot has me suspecting that she isn't
BUT in the case that she actually is hot, then that's fantastic for you man[close]
she dumped me actually. a long time ago. she had big hooters and a tight vajeen.
last time i had a girl spend the night she wanted to fuck me but i had this nasty grizzly beard and couldn't get into making out with her (even though she didn't seem to mind the gristle). anyways, she slept in my bed and i couldn't pass out and got horny in the middle of the night and started trying to kiss her again and she didn't wake up. the next day she did get naked for me though and let me suck on her tits. her nipples were like devil horns. i never got to fuck her.[close]
(http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb257/jatexeira/gifs/puke.gif)
Rusty reminds me of a certain somebody who shall remain nameless...
If you're from the NH/MA area, you may know who'm I refer to...
I think I'm turning into Dennis Reynolds
ok, so im at this bar drinking with buds yaknow, having a grand ol time, when i see this burst of light come from the door. and please bear in mind its like 1 am. anyways, that burst of light turned out to be one of the most people ladies id ever laid my dreamy little eyes on. She was wearing a very form fitting skirt, which ended half way before her fit little knees. her glutes super tight and plump with great hips leading to her tiny little waist. her breasts, from the moment i saw her i could tell they were real bouncing around her half buttoned. i see her and immediately get a boner, and refer to the "waist band trick." i stand from my chair and approach this beautiful vixen with three little words i learned from some sitcom "how you doin?" she, taken aback by my forwardability lets out a little giggle, "teeheee," she squeaks. "wanna get outta here, doll?" i ask. "heeeheee, lets go you wolfman." we race out the door and into a cab. "step on it!!" i command. blah blah blah long story short i take her to my place rip the clothes off her 12/10 body, rip mine off and we hop into the 69 position. shes just surping on my cock with her angel lips, her great proportioned soft but firm breasts resting on my ribs. i throw her off of me and begin to fuck the shit out of her. she begins to moan like a dying wildebeast having an orgasm. not once, not twice, but thrice i make her pussy squirt like blastoise. she screaming flailing around. "finishhhhh in myyyy mouthhhh" she cries. i whip my cock out and explode in her mouth with my ectoplasm. "wowwwwwwww" we say in unison. "that was the best ive ever been fucked..." did i mention the part she was a 12/10???
Expand QuoteI think I'm turning into Dennis Reynolds[close]
That's like a quality.
well alright den bro. you want a cookie or something den?Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quotei was in a tent fucking my hot girlfriend on a bunch of mushrooms and her older brother came around the back of the tent while i was sucking her tits and started flipping out at us. he was like "if i hear you kissing one more time i'm coming in there and whupping his ass". he was also on mushrooms.[close]
The fact you had to tell random fools on the internet that she's hot has me suspecting that she isn't
BUT in the case that she actually is hot, then that's fantastic for you man[close]
she dumped me actually. a long time ago. she had big hooters and a tight vajeen.
last time i had a girl spend the night she wanted to fuck me but i had this nasty grizzly beard and couldn't get into making out with her (even though she didn't seem to mind the gristle). anyways, she slept in my bed and i couldn't pass out and got horny in the middle of the night and started trying to kiss her again and she didn't wake up. the next day she did get naked for me though and let me suck on her tits. her nipples were like devil horns. i never got to fuck her.[close]
(http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb257/jatexeira/gifs/puke.gif)
Rusty reminds me of a certain somebody who shall remain nameless...
If you're from the NH/MA area, you may know who'm I refer to...[close]
I'm just so Ricky Riccardo- Ridiculose.Expand Quotewell alright den bro. you want a cookie or something den?Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quotei was in a tent fucking my hot girlfriend on a bunch of mushrooms and her older brother came around the back of the tent while i was sucking her tits and started flipping out at us. he was like "if i hear you kissing one more time i'm coming in there and whupping his ass". he was also on mushrooms.[close]
The fact you had to tell random fools on the internet that she's hot has me suspecting that she isn't
BUT in the case that she actually is hot, then that's fantastic for you man[close]
she dumped me actually. a long time ago. she had big hooters and a tight vajeen.
last time i had a girl spend the night she wanted to fuck me but i had this nasty grizzly beard and couldn't get into making out with her (even though she didn't seem to mind the gristle). anyways, she slept in my bed and i couldn't pass out and got horny in the middle of the night and started trying to kiss her again and she didn't wake up. the next day she did get naked for me though and let me suck on her tits. her nipples were like devil horns. i never got to fuck her.[close]
(http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb257/jatexeira/gifs/puke.gif)
Rusty reminds me of a certain somebody who shall remain nameless...
If you're from the NH/MA area, you may know who'm I refer to...[close][close]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cW-wTkUBBeo
He's being ridiculous right now
Me and my girlfriend of two year just broke up so Ive been on the prowl for rebound pussy. I hit up this girl who lives a few blocks away from me and tell her to drop by. Luckily my parents went out of town for spring break so I had the whole house to myself and I was planning on fucking all over the place. She comes by and I pop in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets and after a few minutes we start kissing and touching but when I go to finger her she stops me and tells me she just had surgery because she had a miscarriage and they had to take something to do with fetal growth out or something idk so we couldnt fuck because she had stiches on her pussy. Im bummed because I already have a boner and everything so she decides just to give me some mouth. Well i guess sucking dick gets her worked up and decides her stiches arent important. We start going at it and maybe 20 minutes in she starts complaining about pain. I feel like im the shit and that my dick is big but no, her stiches ripped and she was bleeding all over the place. She freaks out, calls her mom to pick her up and take her to the hospital to maybe get new stiches and she makes me come along. I had to sit with her mom staring daggers at me and I wanted to fade into the background. She hasnt texted me since, which is a bummer because her head was on point.i woulda tried to get some scripts out the deal
Me and my girlfriend of two year just broke up so Ive been on the prowl for rebound pussy. I hit up this girl who lives a few blocks away from me and tell her to drop by. Luckily my parents went out of town for spring break so I had the whole house to myself and I was planning on fucking all over the place. She comes by and I pop in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets and after a few minutes we start kissing and touching but when I go to finger her she stops me and tells me she just had surgery because she had a miscarriage and they had to take something to do with fetal growth out or something idk so we couldnt fuck because she had stiches on her pussy. Im bummed because I already have a boner and everything so she decides just to give me some mouth. Well i guess sucking dick gets her worked up and decides her stiches arent important. We start going at it and maybe 20 minutes in she starts complaining about pain. I feel like im the shit and that my dick is big but no, her stiches ripped and she was bleeding all over the place. She freaks out, calls her mom to pick her up and take her to the hospital to maybe get new stiches and she makes me come along. I had to sit with her mom staring daggers at me and I wanted to fade into the background. She hasnt texted me since, which is a bummer because her head was on point.
Me and my girlfriend of two year just broke up so Ive been on the prowl for rebound pussy. I hit up this girl who lives a few blocks away from me and tell her to drop by. Luckily my parents went out of town for spring break so I had the whole house to myself and I was planning on fucking all over the place. She comes by and I pop in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets and after a few minutes we start kissing and touching but when I go to finger her she stops me and tells me she just had surgery because she had a miscarriage and they had to take something to do with fetal growth out or something idk so we couldnt fuck because she had stiches on her pussy. Im bummed because I already have a boner and everything so she decides just to give me some mouth. Well i guess sucking dick gets her worked up and decides her stiches arent important. We start going at it and maybe 20 minutes in she starts complaining about pain. I feel like im the shit and that my dick is big but no, her stiches ripped and she was bleeding all over the place. She freaks out, calls her mom to pick her up and take her to the hospital to maybe get new stiches and she makes me come along. I had to sit with her mom staring daggers at me and I wanted to fade into the background. She hasnt texted me since, which is a bummer because her head was on point.
Jimi I love you.said it for me too
Jimi I love you.
Jimi, was it the same hospital where the doctor busted you going down on your girlfriend with the broken leg?
same hospital, different doctor. After they put new stiches in the doctor came out and told her mother and I that she cant have any sexual activity for at least two weeks. The doctor made direct eye contact with me multiple times. My entire sexual history is a jokeExpand QuoteJimi, was it the same hospital where the doctor busted you going down on your girlfriend with the broken leg?[close]
fuck, that was Jimi too? i think that story and the last one he posted were the only ones from this thread that i actually had to tell people about because they were so good.
same hospital, different doctor. After they put new stiches in the doctor came out and told her mother and I that she cant have any sexual activity for at least two weeks. The doctor made direct eye contact with me multiple times. My entire sexual history is a jokeExpand QuoteExpand QuoteJimi, was it the same hospital where the doctor busted you going down on your girlfriend with the broken leg?[close]
fuck, that was Jimi too? i think that story and the last one he posted were the only ones from this thread that i actually had to tell people about because they were so good.[close]
Expand QuoteMe and my girlfriend of two year just broke up so Ive been on the prowl for rebound pussy. I hit up this girl who lives a few blocks away from me and tell her to drop by. Luckily my parents went out of town for spring break so I had the whole house to myself and I was planning on fucking all over the place. She comes by and I pop in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets and after a few minutes we start kissing and touching but when I go to finger her she stops me and tells me she just had surgery because she had a miscarriage and they had to take something to do with fetal growth out or something idk so we couldnt fuck because she had stiches on her pussy. Im bummed because I already have a boner and everything so she decides just to give me some mouth. Well i guess sucking dick gets her worked up and decides her stiches arent important. We start going at it and maybe 20 minutes in she starts complaining about pain. I feel like im the shit and that my dick is big but no, her stiches ripped and she was bleeding all over the place. She freaks out, calls her mom to pick her up and take her to the hospital to maybe get new stiches and she makes me come along. I had to sit with her mom staring daggers at me and I wanted to fade into the background. She hasnt texted me since, which is a bummer because her head was on point.[close]
(http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/no-words-homer-into-brush.gif)
1)You Sir are a God Damn Street Poet. Thank you
I met this chick years ago on myspace. She was this fake redhead with small tits but an ass to die for.
I only talked to her on myspace and after a while we met up.
Within 15 minutes she was giving me head behind the busstop. It was awesome.
After a while we started dating and this chick was kinky as hell.
One night we went to a hip hop party at some big club. the place was packed and we were dancing in the crowd.
She starts grinding me, and my dick gets hard. She's wearing high heels and a short skirt.
She notices my dick is hard and "whispers, be right back in my ear". after 5 minutes she comes back and starts grinding again.
She puts my hand under her skirt and I notice that she took off her panties.
So this chick is dancing right in front of me with no panties on. We go to the lounge area and she sits on my lap, with one hand she unzips my pants and starts riding me. The place was packed, I was super embarrassed and shy, but she just didn't care. She sat with her face away from me, and just worked it. After a while I came super hard, but I think no one noticed... and she didn't care anyway if anyone did.
So I zip up, order drinks, and she walks back to the dance floor.
Cum was dripping all on the floor. So a couple of hundred people danced in cum.
Awesome.
2)
The chick was into fucking in public places. For our 6 months, we went to a fancy restaurant and we got some table in the corner of the room. It was actually a very romantic setting. She was drinking wine and getting tipsy. So she got horny and she was rubbing my dick with her feet. At first I could resist, and I was like, "come on Sara, not here!" but man, the girl was hot as hell so I just gave up. I got hard as fuck and she noticed right away. She immediately moved her chair and sat right next to me, and started jacking me off under the table.
When I came, she was holding this crystal wine glass, so I came into the glass.
She moved back across the table, looked in my eyes, and started drinking cum from the glass like nothing happened.
That was probably the coolest image I've ever seen.
3)
AGAIN, public place. We went for late night walk into the fields where I live. And she had a thing with cornfields. So she got horny and pulled me into the cornfield, after 2 minutes we were fucking like crazy. It was dark and I couldn't see shit and she wanted it doggy.
So I made that pussy wet and stuck it in. After a while she sat on top of me and went for it like hell. After a while she jumps up and starts crying " aaaaaaaaaaargh! fucking hell you dick!!!" I was freaking ou and didn't know what happend, tok my mobile phone and her legs were dripping with blood. I stuck in her ass without noticing and she was fucking PISSED. She punched me in the face and I was pissed because I didn't do it on purpose...
Didn't talk for 2 weeks when I one of a sudden I get an email with an attached video. It was her fingering herself and after a while she stuck a dildo in her ass. That she stops and says "I've been practicing..." and blow a kiss to the webcam. I was stunned and fucking horny. I called her up and begged her to come over. But she was at school and could only come over the next day.
The next day she shows up at the door, she acts like tha perfect daughter in law, and my parents are happy that she's back. We go up stairs and within 5 minutes were fucking. She gets on top and sticks my dick in her ass. Rides it till I come like crazy and we cuddled for hours after that.
Best sex ever, hands down.
after a while shit went downhill, she went to college and met some meathead there...
She also has like 3 kids now and she STILL super hot... fucking lucky bastard that got her to marry him.
You Sir are a God Damn Street Poet. Thank youExpand Quote1)
I met this chick years ago on myspace. She was this fake redhead with small tits but an ass to die for.
I only talked to her on myspace and after a while we met up.
Within 15 minutes she was giving me head behind the busstop. It was awesome.
After a while we started dating and this chick was kinky as hell.
One night we went to a hip hop party at some big club. the place was packed and we were dancing in the crowd.
She starts grinding me, and my dick gets hard. She's wearing high heels and a short skirt.
She notices my dick is hard and "whispers, be right back in my ear". after 5 minutes she comes back and starts grinding again.
She puts my hand under her skirt and I notice that she took off her panties.
So this chick is dancing right in front of me with no panties on. We go to the lounge area and she sits on my lap, with one hand she unzips my pants and starts riding me. The place was packed, I was super embarrassed and shy, but she just didn't care. She sat with her face away from me, and just worked it. After a while I came super hard, but I think no one noticed... and she didn't care anyway if anyone did.
So I zip up, order drinks, and she walks back to the dance floor.
Cum was dripping all on the floor. So a couple of hundred people danced in cum.
Awesome.
2)
The chick was into fucking in public places. For our 6 months, we went to a fancy restaurant and we got some table in the corner of the room. It was actually a very romantic setting. She was drinking wine and getting tipsy. So she got horny and she was rubbing my dick with her feet. At first I could resist, and I was like, "come on Sara, not here!" but man, the girl was hot as hell so I just gave up. I got hard as fuck and she noticed right away. She immediately moved her chair and sat right next to me, and started jacking me off under the table.
When I came, she was holding this crystal wine glass, so I came into the glass.
She moved back across the table, looked in my eyes, and started drinking cum from the glass like nothing happened.
That was probably the coolest image I've ever seen.
3)
AGAIN, public place. We went for late night walk into the fields where I live. And she had a thing with cornfields. So she got horny and pulled me into the cornfield, after 2 minutes we were fucking like crazy. It was dark and I couldn't see shit and she wanted it doggy.
So I made that pussy wet and stuck it in. After a while she sat on top of me and went for it like hell. After a while she jumps up and starts crying " aaaaaaaaaaargh! fucking hell you dick!!!" I was freaking ou and didn't know what happend, tok my mobile phone and her legs were dripping with blood. I stuck in her ass without noticing and she was fucking PISSED. She punched me in the face and I was pissed because I didn't do it on purpose...
Didn't talk for 2 weeks when I one of a sudden I get an email with an attached video. It was her fingering herself and after a while she stuck a dildo in her ass. That she stops and says "I've been practicing..." and blow a kiss to the webcam. I was stunned and fucking horny. I called her up and begged her to come over. But she was at school and could only come over the next day.
The next day she shows up at the door, she acts like tha perfect daughter in law, and my parents are happy that she's back. We go up stairs and within 5 minutes were fucking. She gets on top and sticks my dick in her ass. Rides it till I come like crazy and we cuddled for hours after that.
Best sex ever, hands down.
after a while shit went downhill, she went to college and met some meathead there...
She also has like 3 kids now and she STILL super hot... fucking lucky bastard that got her to marry him.[close]
So, I got vomited on tonight by a girl whose deep throat game wasn't as on point as she apparently thought. We were hooking up before going out, and my shirt was ruined. I had to wear my jacket and keep it zupped up for the rest of the night.I witnessed the very same thing a few weeks ago. There is a summertime bar on the top floor of a parking garage near me and after a few pints we walked down stairs to leave and saw a guy with his back facing us and assumed he was taking a piss. When we got closer we noticed the girl squatting in front of him blowing him and just as we noticed this she leans away and pukes then gets straight back on his dick and sure enough gags and vomits again. Gotta respect her determination but it was broad daylight, three in the afternoon in full view of all and sundry and she tried to complete the deed with vomit breath and chunks next to her and most likely in her hair. Romantic.
I witnessed the very same thing a few weeks ago. There is a summertime bar on the top floor of a parking garage near me and after a few pints we walked down stairs to leave and saw a guy with his back facing us and assumed he was taking a piss. When we got closer we noticed the girl squatting in front of him blowing him and just as we noticed this she leans away and pukes then gets straight back on his dick and sure enough gags and vomits again. Gotta respect her determination but it was broad daylight, three in the afternoon in full view of all and sundry and she tried to complete the deed with vomit breath and chunks next to her and most likely in her hair. Romantic.Expand QuoteSo, I got vomited on tonight by a girl whose deep throat game wasn't as on point as she apparently thought. We were hooking up before going out, and my shirt was ruined. I had to wear my jacket and keep it zupped up for the rest of the night.[close]
1)I think some of your readership would appreciate a photo or two since our capacity for imagination is limited. Thank you.
I met this chick years ago on myspace. She was this fake redhead with small tits but an ass to die for.
I only talked to her on myspace and after a while we met up.
Within 15 minutes she was giving me head behind the busstop. It was awesome.
After a while we started dating and this chick was kinky as hell.
One night we went to a hip hop party at some big club. the place was packed and we were dancing in the crowd.
She starts grinding me, and my dick gets hard. She's wearing high heels and a short skirt.
She notices my dick is hard and "whispers, be right back in my ear". after 5 minutes she comes back and starts grinding again.
She puts my hand under her skirt and I notice that she took off her panties.
So this chick is dancing right in front of me with no panties on. We go to the lounge area and she sits on my lap, with one hand she unzips my pants and starts riding me. The place was packed, I was super embarrassed and shy, but she just didn't care. She sat with her face away from me, and just worked it. After a while I came super hard, but I think no one noticed... and she didn't care anyway if anyone did.
So I zip up, order drinks, and she walks back to the dance floor.
Cum was dripping all on the floor. So a couple of hundred people danced in cum.
Awesome.
2)
The chick was into fucking in public places. For our 6 months, we went to a fancy restaurant and we got some table in the corner of the room. It was actually a very romantic setting. She was drinking wine and getting tipsy. So she got horny and she was rubbing my dick with her feet. At first I could resist, and I was like, "come on Sara, not here!" but man, the girl was hot as hell so I just gave up. I got hard as fuck and she noticed right away. She immediately moved her chair and sat right next to me, and started jacking me off under the table.
When I came, she was holding this crystal wine glass, so I came into the glass.
She moved back across the table, looked in my eyes, and started drinking cum from the glass like nothing happened.
That was probably the coolest image I've ever seen.
3)
AGAIN, public place. We went for late night walk into the fields where I live. And she had a thing with cornfields. So she got horny and pulled me into the cornfield, after 2 minutes we were fucking like crazy. It was dark and I couldn't see shit and she wanted it doggy.
So I made that pussy wet and stuck it in. After a while she sat on top of me and went for it like hell. After a while she jumps up and starts crying " aaaaaaaaaaargh! fucking hell you dick!!!" I was freaking ou and didn't know what happend, tok my mobile phone and her legs were dripping with blood. I stuck in her ass without noticing and she was fucking PISSED. She punched me in the face and I was pissed because I didn't do it on purpose...
Didn't talk for 2 weeks when I one of a sudden I get an email with an attached video. It was her fingering herself and after a while she stuck a dildo in her ass. That she stops and says "I've been practicing..." and blow a kiss to the webcam. I was stunned and fucking horny. I called her up and begged her to come over. But she was at school and could only come over the next day.
The next day she shows up at the door, she acts like tha perfect daughter in law, and my parents are happy that she's back. We go up stairs and within 5 minutes were fucking. She gets on top and sticks my dick in her ass. Rides it till I come like crazy and we cuddled for hours after that.
Best sex ever, hands down.
after a while shit went downhill, she went to college and met some meathead there...
She also has like 3 kids now and she STILL super hot... fucking lucky bastard that got her to marry him.
Yeah, my girl tried to keep going too, but I lost my boner, and that's when she lost it. Luckily we were in her bedroom.I witnessed the very same thing a few weeks ago. There is a summertime bar on the top floor of a parking garage near me and after a few pints we walked down stairs to leave and saw a guy with his back facing us and assumed he was taking a piss. When we got closer we noticed the girl squatting in front of him blowing him and just as we noticed this she leans away and pukes then gets straight back on his dick and sure enough gags and vomits again. Gotta respect her determination but it was broad daylight, three in the afternoon in full view of all and sundry and she tried to complete the deed with vomit breath and chunks next to her and most likely in her hair. Romantic.Expand QuoteSo, I got vomited on tonight by a girl whose deep throat game wasn't as on point as she apparently thought. We were hooking up before going out, and my shirt was ruined. I had to wear my jacket and keep it zupped up for the rest of the night.[close]
Boners and vomit are like oil and water, just don't mix.Yeah, my girl tried to keep going too, but I lost my boner, and that's when she lost it. Luckily we were in her bedroom.Expand QuoteI witnessed the very same thing a few weeks ago. There is a summertime bar on the top floor of a parking garage near me and after a few pints we walked down stairs to leave and saw a guy with his back facing us and assumed he was taking a piss. When we got closer we noticed the girl squatting in front of him blowing him and just as we noticed this she leans away and pukes then gets straight back on his dick and sure enough gags and vomits again. Gotta respect her determination but it was broad daylight, three in the afternoon in full view of all and sundry and she tried to complete the deed with vomit breath and chunks next to her and most likely in her hair. Romantic.Expand QuoteSo, I got vomited on tonight by a girl whose deep throat game wasn't as on point as she apparently thought. We were hooking up before going out, and my shirt was ruined. I had to wear my jacket and keep it zupped up for the rest of the night.[close][close]
Boners and vomit are like oil and water, just don't mix.
Yeah, my girl tried to keep going too, but I lost my boner, and that's when she lost it. Luckily we were in her bedroom.Expand QuoteSo, I got vomited on tonight by a girl whose deep throat game wasn't as on point as she apparently thought. We were hooking up before going out, and my shirt was ruined. I had to wear my jacket and keep it zupped up for the rest of the night.[close]
^lol ur cold hearted with the chinese food
Expand QuoteYeah, my girl tried to keep going too, but I lost my boner, and that's when she lost it. Luckily we were in her bedroom.Expand QuoteSo, I got vomited on tonight by a girl whose deep throat game wasn't as on point as she apparently thought. We were hooking up before going out, and my shirt was ruined. I had to wear my jacket and keep it zupped up for the rest of the night.[close][close]
at least you weren't in your classroom! ;)
the girl crying thing is the worst, but it usually comes from a decent story. ive had at least 3 girls cry while my dick was inside them for one reason or another. the other night my girlfriend got drunk and super emotional and was going on and on about babies. its been 2.5 years of dating and ive never cum inside her for a million reasons but we were having pretty passionate drunk sex and she was begging me to cum inside her. i had already jerked off twice that day so figured i'd be shooting blanks, plus like i said i was drunk, so i did it. felt awesome but i dont think i finished cumming before she was crying hysterically. for 45 minutes. she went and did the accident pill the next morning and im sure its all good now. my way to make it even on the $50 pill was to buy chinese food for dinner...little did she know i was already planning on getting chinese food for us that night.
never read this thread before. just read the last 2 pages. damn distant & jimi, you're killing it!
was at the hotel bar after a wedding recently and for some reason the mother of the bride (married), her sister (also married), and her sister's daughters were all up on me. like a family competition of sorts. long story short, i avoided the girls because they weren't even 20 yet, and even though the elder two's husbands were right there, they were still being flirty and even aggressive with it. so at one point i whisper into the mother of the teenage girls ear to meet me in the dark hallway by the bathrooms in 5 min. sure enough she shows and without speaking a word we go right at it. i lift the front of her dress up and bang her against the wall for a quickie. then i tell her to take her time going back to the bar so i can be there for a few minutes first to avoid suspicion. funny thing, her husband didn't know and he seemed to really like me. he invited me to stay with them if i ever find myself on the left coast.
Expand Quotenever read this thread before. just read the last 2 pages. damn distant & jimi, you're killing it!
was at the hotel bar after a wedding recently and for some reason the mother of the bride (married), her sister (also married), and her sister's daughters were all up on me. like a family competition of sorts. long story short, i avoided the girls because they weren't even 20 yet, and even though the elder two's husbands were right there, they were still being flirty and even aggressive with it. so at one point i whisper into the mother of the teenage girls ear to meet me in the dark hallway by the bathrooms in 5 min. sure enough she shows and without speaking a word we go right at it. i lift the front of her dress up and bang her against the wall for a quickie. then i tell her to take her time going back to the bar so i can be there for a few minutes first to avoid suspicion. funny thing, her husband didn't know and he seemed to really like me. he invited me to stay with them if i ever find myself on the left coast.[close]
Legendary.
Got a blowjob in the back seat of my car last night, and I'm almost positive as I finished she swallowed it. Then proceeded to puke in her mouth and swallow it. She gagged a couple more times and I opened the car door to make sure she didn't spew in my car, but luckily she was fine. Couple sips of water and she was all good to go. Gave her a hug. She was a trooper.
Expand QuoteExpand Quotenever read this thread before. just read the last 2 pages. damn distant & jimi, you're killing it!
was at the hotel bar after a wedding recently and for some reason the mother of the bride (married), her sister (also married), and her sister's daughters were all up on me. like a family competition of sorts. long story short, i avoided the girls because they weren't even 20 yet, and even though the elder two's husbands were right there, they were still being flirty and even aggressive with it. so at one point i whisper into the mother of the teenage girls ear to meet me in the dark hallway by the bathrooms in 5 min. sure enough she shows and without speaking a word we go right at it. i lift the front of her dress up and bang her against the wall for a quickie. then i tell her to take her time going back to the bar so i can be there for a few minutes first to avoid suspicion. funny thing, her husband didn't know and he seemed to really like me. he invited me to stay with them if i ever find myself on the left coast.[close]
Legendary.
Got a blowjob in the back seat of my car last night, and I'm almost positive as I finished she swallowed it. Then proceeded to puke in her mouth and swallow it. She gagged a couple more times and I opened the car door to make sure she didn't spew in my car, but luckily she was fine. Couple sips of water and she was all good to go. Gave her a hug. She was a trooper.[close]
nice!
question for you guys. do most girls let you cum in their mouths, and do they usually swallow it?
ive only been with two girls, both have been girlfriends. first one didnt suck dick at all. i got her to once, but i had to try to nicely ask her and right before she did she said "i dont like giving head. it kind of grosses me out and i know im not very good at it. but ill try." im not heartless, so after hearing that, there was no way i could enjoy it and went soft after about a minute. my girlfriend now gives amazing head. the first time she did it i stopped her when i felt like i was going to cum and she said "what? you dont like it?" and i said "no, it feels amazing. i just dont want to cum in your mouth" because all i could think of was "you cum in my mouth and ill kill you". she said "why not? dont you want to get off?" i think then she knew that i had never had a good blowjob before, and went to town on me. i came in her mouth and she swallowed it down like a pro. no gag, no hesitation and thats how its always been with her. since ive only been with two girls who were total opposites in the BJ department, ive always wondered what most other girls do when they give head. it always seems like swallowing is such a big deal, but it doesnt phase my girlfriend at all, so i dont know why its always talked about like its a big deal.
edit: my first girlfriend said to me right before she put her mouth on my dick "if you cum in my mouth, ill kill you and we will never do this again". thats why i had that thought the first time my current girlfriend gave me head.
I think the rule with cumming in mouths during bj's is this:
If you don't warn her when you are going to cum at least the first time, you are a dick
If you warn her and she pulls away, she is a bitch.
One time a girl gave me a hand job, and told me to tell her when I was going to get off. I did, and she finished the hand job in her mouth. I wasn't complaining, but it was odd.
I've had that happen once, but I was 17 and the girl took it upon herself to hoover it down when I gave her the warning. I guess I didn't know that was even an option.Expand QuoteI think the rule with cumming in mouths during bj's is this:
If you don't warn her when you are going to cum at least the first time, you are a dick
If you warn her and she pulls away, she is a bitch.
One time a girl gave me a hand job, and told me to tell her when I was going to get off. I did, and she finished the hand job in her mouth. I wasn't complaining, but it was odd.[close]
That's oddsome.
but for some reason she was fine with me cumming on her face...so...weird, but I'll take it.
I hate decisions.Expand Quotebut for some reason she was fine with me cumming on her face...so...weird, but I'll take it.[close]
weird? next time you blow a load i dare you to taste some of your own cum. now, would you rather get a little bit of that on your face or shotgun a whole load down your throat? ::)
I've had that happen once, but I was 17 and the girl took it upon herself to hoover it down when I gave her the warning. I guess I didn't know that was even an option.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI think the rule with cumming in mouths during bj's is this:
If you don't warn her when you are going to cum at least the first time, you are a dick
If you warn her and she pulls away, she is a bitch.
One time a girl gave me a hand job, and told me to tell her when I was going to get off. I did, and she finished the hand job in her mouth. I wasn't complaining, but it was odd.[close]
That's oddsome.[close]
Most girls (in my experience) swallow. I've only had a handful of girls that I've ever been with that even hesitated at it, and only one of them flat-out refused, but for some reason she was fine with me cumming on her face...so...weird, but I'll take it.
Expand QuoteI've had that happen once, but I was 17 and the girl took it upon herself to hoover it down when I gave her the warning. I guess I didn't know that was even an option.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI think the rule with cumming in mouths during bj's is this:
If you don't warn her when you are going to cum at least the first time, you are a dick
If you warn her and she pulls away, she is a bitch.
One time a girl gave me a hand job, and told me to tell her when I was going to get off. I did, and she finished the hand job in her mouth. I wasn't complaining, but it was odd.[close]
damn thats cold haha[close]
Most girls (in my experience) swallow. I've only had a handful of girls that I've ever been with that even hesitated at it, and only one of them flat-out refused, but for some reason she was fine with me cumming on her face...so...weird, but I'll take it.[close]
I used to hook up with this girl, had sex a few times without a condom. Obviously she wouldn't let me finish inside her so I'd pull out but she wouldn't let me finish on her or anywhere close, had to like.. run to the bathroom or like blow it in the garbage can. I feel like that's fucked up idk she was Asian and really picky about everything
This other time I fingered a girl at an Incubus concert and this incredibly convincing David Bowie look-a-like was creepily taking pictures of us hooking up.
Expand QuoteThis other time I fingered a girl at an Incubus concert and this incredibly convincing David Bowie look-a-like was creepily taking pictures of us hooking up.[close]
Looks like he creepily posted them on the internet as well.
(http://31.media.tumblr.com/e19a1632a308e3edb17feb3e60d23e89/tumblr_mr174x5MDc1qi6jgyo1_500.jpg)
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThis other time I fingered a girl at an Incubus concert and this incredibly convincing David Bowie look-a-like was creepily taking pictures of us hooking up.[close]
Looks like he creepily posted them on the internet as well.
(http://31.media.tumblr.com/e19a1632a308e3edb17feb3e60d23e89/tumblr_mr174x5MDc1qi6jgyo1_500.jpg)[close]
Wow that kid actually looks like a really rapey version of me
She went on to explain how the only guy she had ever been with was really into some masochistic shit and she just assumed most guys were like that.
Expand QuoteShe went on to explain how the only guy she had ever been with was really into some masochistic shit and she just assumed most guys were like that.[close]
the last thing you do with a girl like this is leave!!! she is obviously willing, but untrained. a dream girl if you ask me.
Dear god no. If she's GGG, go with it. I suppose I'm down to reciprocate in all sorts of ways, but experimenting and trying new things is the best. You obviously don't want to do that with somebody who isn't into it, but if a girl is into it, why not?Expand QuoteExpand QuoteShe went on to explain how the only guy she had ever been with was really into some masochistic shit and she just assumed most guys were like that.[close]
the last thing you do with a girl like this is leave!!! she is obviously willing, but untrained. a dream girl if you ask me.[close]
You don't feel an inherent guilt in manipulating a young woman to cater to your sexual desires?
I've had opportunities like that before & it always felt weird to me...
That's when you accidentally splooge in her face.Expand QuoteI've had that happen once, but I was 17 and the girl took it upon herself to hoover it down when I gave her the warning. I guess I didn't know that was even an option.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI think the rule with cumming in mouths during bj's is this:
If you don't warn her when you are going to cum at least the first time, you are a dick
If you warn her and she pulls away, she is a bitch.
One time a girl gave me a hand job, and told me to tell her when I was going to get off. I did, and she finished the hand job in her mouth. I wasn't complaining, but it was odd.[close]
That's oddsome.[close]
Most girls (in my experience) swallow. I've only had a handful of girls that I've ever been with that even hesitated at it, and only one of them flat-out refused, but for some reason she was fine with me cumming on her face...so...weird, but I'll take it.[close]
I used to hook up with this girl, had sex a few times without a condom. Obviously she wouldn't let me finish inside her so I'd pull out but she wouldn't let me finish on her or anywhere close, had to like.. run to the bathroom or like blow it in the garbage can. I feel like that's fucked up idk she was Asian and really picky about everything
Dear god no. If she's GGG, go with it. I suppose I'm down to reciprocate in all sorts of ways, but experimenting and trying new things is the best. You obviously don't want to do that with somebody who isn't into it, but if a girl is into it, why not?Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteShe went on to explain how the only guy she had ever been with was really into some masochistic shit and she just assumed most guys were like that.[close]
the last thing you do with a girl like this is leave!!! she is obviously willing, but untrained. a dream girl if you ask me.[close]
You don't feel an inherent guilt in manipulating a young woman to cater to your sexual desires?
I've had opportunities like that before & it always felt weird to me...[close]
you guys ever get the swallow and immediately brush her teeth girls? I've had that before. The girl would swallow, make sure I had melted into a pool of gooey happiness, and would excuse herself to the bathroom to brush her teeth then snuggle back in bed with me. At first I thought it strange, but that shit is nasty, and if that's what she needs to do to swallow, that's fine by me.
The first time a girl stuck her pinky in my butt... :oMARRY HER
The first time a girl stuck her pinky in my butt... :o
MARRY HERExpand QuoteThe first time a girl stuck her pinky in my butt... :o[close]
She's Russian too? You're really out here doing things, my dude.
Well you did put a ring on her finger...Expand QuoteMARRY HERExpand QuoteThe first time a girl stuck her pinky in my butt... :o[close][close]
I actually jokingly mentioned marrying her one time like "oh man that was so amazing, I could marry you," and she got way too stoked and started talking all this citizenship stuff. (she was from Russia) I guess they don't joke much in Russia because she did not find it the least bit funny.
Well you did put a ring on her finger...Expand QuoteExpand QuoteMARRY HERExpand QuoteThe first time a girl stuck her pinky in my butt... :o[close][close]
I actually jokingly mentioned marrying her one time like "oh man that was so amazing, I could marry you," and she got way too stoked and started talking all this citizenship stuff. (she was from Russia) I guess they don't joke much in Russia because she did not find it the least bit funny.[close]
Well you did put a ring on her finger...Expand QuoteExpand QuoteMARRY HERExpand QuoteThe first time a girl stuck her pinky in my butt... :o[close][close]
I actually jokingly mentioned marrying her one time like "oh man that was so amazing, I could marry you," and she got way too stoked and started talking all this citizenship stuff. (she was from Russia) I guess they don't joke much in Russia because she did not find it the least bit funny.[close]
Well you did put a ring on her finger...Expand QuoteExpand QuoteMARRY HERExpand QuoteThe first time a girl stuck her pinky in my butt... :o[close][close]
I actually jokingly mentioned marrying her one time like "oh man that was so amazing, I could marry you," and she got way too stoked and started talking all this citizenship stuff. (she was from Russia) I guess they don't joke much in Russia because she did not find it the least bit funny.[close]
This is semi sexual at best, but last night was out with a girl at a bar, went out with her so I could have a smoke, she asks for one. I go into my pocket and pull out a box I feel in there. I pull it out and try to smoothly offer it to her, once it was too late, as I was trying to open the top flap, I realize its the box of condoms I bought for later that night. We hadn't actually fucked yet either...
She was cool about it though and made a joke "That's not the kind of smoking I came outside to do right now."
not last night. We went a little to hard on the booze and she passed out on the ride home. I think things are looking well though, she apologized a bunch of times about how she wanted me to come in, but was totally useless right now. We'll hang out again, I'm not worried. Worst comes to worst pukahontas is still around on that casual level...Expand QuoteThis is semi sexual at best, but last night was out with a girl at a bar, went out with her so I could have a smoke, she asks for one. I go into my pocket and pull out a box I feel in there. I pull it out and try to smoothly offer it to her, once it was too late, as I was trying to open the top flap, I realize its the box of condoms I bought for later that night. We hadn't actually fucked yet either...
She was cool about it though and made a joke "That's not the kind of smoking I came outside to do right now."[close]
Did you still sex?
TL;DR I laughed very hard during a funny threesome. Sorry this was very long and not super awkward, but it was a very abnormal and awkward experience overall for me.
^That is a very open and committed relationship you have with your friend. I couldn't do it. Are your dicks the same size or something? I could see that creating weird vibes among many other things.
(http://www.highsnobiety.com/files/2013/03/terry-richardson-shoots-the-atl-twins-for-vice-magazine-05.jpg)Expand Quote^That is a very open and committed relationship you have with your friend. I couldn't do it. Are your dicks the same size or something? I could see that creating weird vibes among many other things.[close]
We're really close. And it only happens with chicks neither of us are interested in. Coincidentally, our dicks are virtually the same size length/girth which makes it a non-issue.
The only other thread worthy threesome tid bit is that the first one we had together, I had fucked the girl earlier in the night and couldn't get hard for the whole thing. Luckily the chick was cool and didn't get offended/turned off so we made it happen again and tore it up.
;DExpand Quote^That is a very open and committed relationship you have with your friend. I couldn't do it. Are your dicks the same size or something? I could see that creating weird vibes among many other things.[close]
We're really close.
ha, those were great 'get gnarly'. i had a dear friend of mine who passed away, we used to travel to london bridge on occasion. we used to observe 'naked hour' from 1-2 anytime we had female company over. about a decade plus 2 yrs [one skor?] he came home w/ a bird and our friend 'gay joe'. the bird was halfass jerking me off on the couch but 'stencel' took over for her til i made him quit seconds later.
'i'm more punk than you handsome jack' he'd say in his yogi bear cadence. gay joe leered and offered his foul services.
for anyways, i go to bed w/ a hard on and am working on it when the girl comes into the room. i relinquish control and she finishes for me then orders 'don't put that away yet, boy'.
did i mention she was 15, maybe 16? accepting a handjob is one thing but i'm no statuatory rapist so i encouraged her 'go sit on stencel's face, he'll be stoked.'.
she did so i joined them 10 or so refractory minutes later. i smacked her ass and cajoled another handjob outta the deal. fast forward a few yrs and she gets off stencel's dick and goes to the bathroom.
'what are you laughing at, handsome jack?'
'you got sloppy seconds'
'no, i got first and thirds' he deadpanned back at me. then we laughed about all the jiz leaking out of her.
due to her girth/ethnicity we nicknamed her 'the gordito burrito'.
during one eiffel tower our balls touched and i retracted while stencel blocked the backdoor. 'sorry you're not as punck as i am' he shamed me like he'd done 4 yrs prior.
she informed us 'i've known you this long, you guys are my best friends'.
i thought it was sad.
stencel told her 'thanks for being so friendly.'
god i miss him!
she thought she could have sex while having a tampon in? is that even possible?
shoulda pulled it out w/ your teeth like casper and told her she had 'mad flavor' as you get your detroit red wings.
she thought she could have sex while having a tampon in? is that even possible?I was friends with a girl in college that did this twice in the same night. She apparently forgot she had a tampon in, whored out at a party and found a guy who obviously didn't care about the road block...because he just rammed his dick in and pushed it in further. She didn't notice. When they were done, she went home and got booty called by another dude, who came over and proceeded to push the cork further into the bottle. The next day she was telling my girlfriend about it and crying that she was going to die. I laughed my way out of the room. A week later I asked my lady what ever happened with that situation. She said Jana said it "fell out" a few days later. Chicks, man.
jimi's stories are the best stories.
Long story short: Once I was hooking up with this girl and we were at that point where pants were off and foreplay was going down. She was on top, clothes were off, and my dick was between her butt cheeks. No condom was on yet or anything and out of nowhere she just goes for it - puts my dick in her butt. It was weird because she'd apparently gone into the bathroom to lube her butthole right before all of this.
Expand QuoteLong story short: Once I was hooking up with this girl and we were at that point where pants were off and foreplay was going down. She was on top, clothes were off, and my dick was between her butt cheeks. No condom was on yet or anything and out of nowhere she just goes for it - puts my dick in her butt. It was weird because she'd apparently gone into the bathroom to lube her butthole right before all of this.[close]
that's actually pretty cool (apart from the raw dog part)
shoulda pulled it out w/ your teeth like casper and told her she had 'mad flavor' as you get your detroit red wings.Just read this midway through a bowl of tomato soup and can't figure out if I want to finish it or not.
Just now this bitch threw up sucking my dickDid she suck the puke off? That's the only proper thing for her to do
Lmao she did and then I busted in her face. Smoked a reluctant blunt afterwards as wellDid she suck the puke off? That's the only proper thing for her to doExpand QuoteJust now this bitch threw up sucking my dick[close]
girls like that still probably cause you bodily harm, and I'm not into that shit anymoreHahahahahahahaha, Jimi is the one that needs to write a book.. "My Erotic Life"
the only awkward thing i can think of or that really happened to me when i was 18. I had a fuck buddy at the time and we would always get drunk and text each other like wanna meet up? So one night we did and instead our usual spot (my car) she sneaked me in to her bed room. Now this girl gives the worst head like i could never cum while getting head but she just didn't know how to satisfy a man. So we were fooling around and i started to go down on her, to show her up on how to really satisfy someone. Now i never gave head to a girl before but i watched a lot of girl girl porn so i wanted to give it a try. She gave me 1 second of trying and just said she felt awkward and she said she wanted to give me head, i just said na thats alright and i kind of begged her to let me go down on her but she kept on saying no. That was a pretty awkward
Just recently when i hooked up with my first tinder girl ever she was in my bed and getting undressed so i started to undo her jeans and kind of making my way down there and she just said "um what are you doing" i said "im about to give you head" and she said no. I was really bummed and then the sex wasnt that good either so i was super bummed.
Do girls my age not like getting their pussy eaten out?
the only awkward thing i can think of or that really happened to me when i was 18. I had a fuck buddy at the time and we would always get drunk and text each other like wanna meet up? So one night we did and instead our usual spot (my car) she sneaked me in to her bed room. Now this girl gives the worst head like i could never cum while getting head but she just didn't know how to satisfy a man. So we were fooling around and i started to go down on her, to show her up on how to really satisfy someone. Now i never gave head to a girl before but i watched a lot of girl girl porn so i wanted to give it a try. She gave me 1 second of trying and just said she felt awkward and she said she wanted to give me head, i just said na thats alright and i kind of begged her to let me go down on her but she kept on saying no. That was a pretty awkward
Just recently when i hooked up with my first tinder girl ever she was in my bed and getting undressed so i started to undo her jeans and kind of making my way down there and she just said "um what are you doing" i said "im about to give you head" and she said no. I was really bummed and then the sex wasnt that good either so i was super bummed.
Do girls my age not like getting their pussy eaten out?
Do girls my age not like getting their pussy eaten out?
I just remembered being seventeen and falling asleep during sex from being violently high... the girl was pretty bummed. it's whatever.
you guys ever go ass to mouth?
I just remembered being seventeen and falling asleep during sex from being violently high... the girl was pretty bummed. it's whatever.probably the best post I've read on slap in a long long time
you guys ever go ass to mouth?
the first time i had sex with my boyfriend at the time, i accidentally peed on him
i got gag reflex from sucking another guy's dick and threw up on him
probably the best post I've read on slap in a long long timeExpand QuoteI just remembered being seventeen and falling asleep during sex from being violently high... the girl was pretty bummed. it's whatever.
you guys ever go ass to mouth?[close]
the only awkward thing i can think of or that really happened to me when i was 18. I had a fuck buddy at the time and we would always get drunk and text each other like wanna meet up? So one night we did and instead our usual spot (my car) she sneaked me in to her bed room. Now this girl gives the worst head like i could never cum while getting head but she just didn't know how to satisfy a man. So we were fooling around and i started to go down on her, to show her up on how to really satisfy someone. Now i never gave head to a girl before but i watched a lot of girl girl porn so i wanted to give it a try. She gave me 1 second of trying and just said she felt awkward and she said she wanted to give me head, i just said na thats alright and i kind of begged her to let me go down on her but she kept on saying no. That was a pretty awkward
Just recently when i hooked up with my first tinder girl ever she was in my bed and getting undressed so i started to undo her jeans and kind of making my way down there and she just said "um what are you doing" i said "im about to give you head" and she said no. I was really bummed and then the sex wasnt that good either so i was super bummed.
Do girls my age not like getting their pussy eaten out?
I just remembered being seventeen and falling asleep during sex from being violently high... the girl was pretty bummed. it's whatever.
you guys ever go ass to mouth?
ive went ATM a handful of times and id say i was drunk probably every time. my girl was probably drunk too because if i start getting a little too close to her asshole when were sober she usually stops me. its never one of those planned things, just kind of like everything is going good and getting a little intense, so i just dive in.you're the gonz of this ATM click.
its alright. she seems to like it if i finger her from behind or fuck her with a dildo while eating her ass. most of the time there not really a bad taste. id say its more of a mental hurdle to get over licking a butthole. one time it did have more of a taste though, not super foul, but weird. i remember kissing her afterward and her saying something like "ugh.. so thats what my asshole tastes like?"
So it's not a for sure every time but...smoking weed makes your sperm hyper and they won't reach the egg if you cum inside your girlfriend...the more you knowI've done my own studies on the subject, and this is definitely not true at all.
http://www.webmd.com/men/news/20031013/smoking-marijuana-lowers-fertility (http://www.webmd.com/men/news/20031013/smoking-marijuana-lowers-fertility)
a wise man once told me you're not a man until you eat a chick out on her period.One time I got super drunk with this chick and went back to my spot. Eat her out then fuck her, all drunkenly and in the dark. Had to work an opening shift the next morning, so in a hungover state, i just throw on the shirt i had worn the night before and bike to work. Get to work only to realize that the chick was obviously on her period. My hands were covered in hella period blood and the bottom of my t shirt too. The funny thing is that i worked at buffalo exchange with hella hot girls and they all looked at me with disgust that morning. I wore a flannel off one of the racks that day.
unknowingly did that in the dark once, felt like a fucking vampire afterwards, wasn't as bad as it sounds... wasn't as good either.
I'm glad I have a place to let these terrible things out. I love you SLAP. :-*
-I?m pretty sure ATM, Ass-To-Mouth, is when you pull you dick out of the butthole and put into her mouth
So I was doin my girl in her bed not sure what the position is called but I think it's lazy doggy style where she's on her stomach and I'm laying on top. It was winter to we got the sheets over us and in walks her mom. As I hear her open the door I roll us both over so we are spooning. Her mom starts blabbing and carrying on a conversation meanwhile I'm balls deep in her daughter. I think she knew but she acted like whatever. Somehow I stay hard and finish the job when she leaves. Strangely a very similar version of this happened with her roommate before except that time i know her friend was just trying to walk in on us.
I thought ATM, Ass-To-Mouth, was when you pull you dick out of the butthole and put into her mouth; you guys seem to insinuate that ATM and salad-tossing are interchangeable terms. I could be mistaken as I've often misconstrued simple ideas; up until a year ago I thought Frisbee Golf was played by smacking a throwing disc with a golf club.
Just tossing salad?!! I try, but my girl always stops me, I suppose that's kinda awkward.
I also used to date this girl that was super hot, but would only have sex in the missionary position, and would remain silent and not move the whole time. It was fucked up. Had to have been a daddy problem.
Whenever I come home drunk, I'm too filled up to wait until I punch in the garage door code, go up the stairs, take off my shoes to avoid waking anyone up and then get to the bathroom to finally unload. So I go against the wall, and attempt to construct figures like skyscrapers or giant wallflowers with my urine. I tried to get a picture last time but the roll had ended already. One day.
Expand Quote
I also used to date this girl that was super hot, but would only have sex in the missionary position, and would remain silent and not move the whole time. It was fucked up. Had to have been a daddy problem.[close]
I hooked up with a newly converted or soon to convert Mormon chick is Roseberg who would only do it missionary. She was hella hot and hella fit too. Gotta love high school volleyball players!Expand QuoteWhenever I come home drunk, I'm too filled up to wait until I punch in the garage door code, go up the stairs, take off my shoes to avoid waking anyone up and then get to the bathroom to finally unload. So I go against the wall, and attempt to construct figures like skyscrapers or giant wallflowers with my urine. I tried to get a picture last time but the roll had ended already. One day.[close]
We need a craziest piss story thread. It was my 21st birthday, the night before so some bars were touchy but we hit a few places. Around midnight we get back to my friends dorm building and head down to the basement because there's a bathroom down there. Being the most drunk I fall behind and end up at the back of the line for the bathroom. I make it through my friend going but while the other guy is going I lose it, grab my junk like it's going to explode, hobble into the laundry room and piss in the trash can. Pretty sure there was a security camera in that room too.
One night in high school I was playing beer pong. Ever heard people say they get better as they get drunker. Well that happened once. To me. And I kept winning and get fadeder. Go home black out an fell asleep (I thought). Apparently I must have been making a lot of noise stumbling around and in walks my mom as I am fully naked pissing on my chair in my bedroom. Damn that was an awkward bowl of cereal.
a few years ago i was on a week long houseboat trip with 11 other people. the first two nights i got so wasted that i pissed the bed and to this day thats the only time ive pissed the bed while drunk. my girlfriend at the time was so mad at me both mornings, but each day i ended up sweat talking my way back onto her good side and still fucked her on the pee covered bed each day.
last summer i was at my cousins wedding and was a bit over served. my girlfriend and i were sharing a room with my parents and i guess i woke up in the middle of the night, knocked the hotel phone that was on the night stand off the hook, dialed the front desk and pissed on the phone. my girlfriend said she heard me getting up, then something falling and a voice saying "front desk, this is audrey." then she heard me say "oh, sorry audrey." then i started peeing on the phone. nobody was mad at me which was kind of a shocker considering im 26 and i think my parents expected me to act a little more well behaved than that.
there was another time my friends and i were packed like 6 deep in a honda accord passing around a fifth of salor jerrys on the way to a casino in detroit. im sure we were drunk before we got the fifth because this was like 12am on a weeknight when were driving down there, so im sure the decision to go was alcohol influenced. anyway, i blacked out before we got to the casino and at least half of us had to piss before we got there so i told whoever was driving to get off at the next exit and that i assured them i knew where i was going. i still have no idea where we stopped, but it was some projects or appartment complex that i told everyone was safe (it was the only way i was going to get them to pull over so i could pee and they trusted me because i went to school in detroit.) anyway, im sure the area sucked, but we pulled in and us 6 white kids from the suburbs jumped out of the honda and pissed on the cars parked outside these appartments in detroit. thank god nobody saw us because that was really fucking stupid.
Had sex with a 8 month pregnant woman. Not really awkward, it just fucked me up that there was another human just inches away from me, and the fact that that when that human gets older he'd be absolutely disgusted with the idea some random dude fucked his mom while she was pregnant.
I used to screw around with this milf I worked with. She was a squirter. One night at a holiday staff party we boned in the bathroom and this broad ended up squirting all over the bottom of my shirt. I continued drinking and went home to pass out with a girl I was living with at the time. when I woke up I was still wearing the shirt and my lady at the time started grinding on me while we were having a morning session. She saw my shirt after, picked it up and examined the glossy stains and said she was sorry for messing up my favourite shirt.(http://start.westnet.ca/huffarticles/images/gen/239748/thumbs/s-ARSENIO-large300.jpg)
when i drank i had a real piss the bed problem. i've pissed on all sorts of girls." these rubber pants are hot, daddy"
Had sex with a 8 month pregnant woman. Not really awkward, it just fucked me up that there was another human just inches away from me, and the fact that that when that human gets older he'd be absolutely disgusted with the idea some random dude fucked his mom while she was pregnant.
She still lives with him but they're "not together".Expand QuoteHad sex with a 8 month pregnant woman. Not really awkward, it just fucked me up that there was another human just inches away from me, and the fact that that when that human gets older he'd be absolutely disgusted with the idea some random dude fucked his mom while she was pregnant.[close]
wow, that's messed up! 6 months in? yeah maybe, but then again i'm talking bout my own wife here. is the father still around?
had drunk sex with a high school cheerleader on a ping-pong table last weekend... the only awkward part was finding out later my friend had been trying to bone her all night... :(
The first time a girl stuck her pinky in my butt... :o
bumping this thread to ask if anyone's ever been with an older gal (35+) while still being relatively young yourself (I'm in my mid-twenties)
bumping this thread to ask if anyone's ever been with an older gal (35+) while still being relatively young yourself (I'm in my mid-twenties)
There's this older gal that I work with who keeps giving me subtle hints, even managed to get my phone number to talk to me about work when she could have easily done so with a work phone. I don't know what to do, boys.
Sleeping with older women is well within your reach when working in the hospitality industry.
party on, bro. VHS did die. This is the re-issue.
go away VHS we all thought you died and had a party a few months back
I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.yo you took the gnar pretty far! my favorite part is how your internal monologue referenced both 'band' and 'GAY'. i don't think you're gay so much as slap happy.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.
yo you took the gnar pretty far! my favorite part is how your internal monologue referenced both 'band' and 'GAY'. i don't think you're gay so much as slap happy.Expand QuoteI was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.[close]
.Expand Quoteyo you took the gnar pretty far! my favorite part is how your internal monologue referenced both 'band' and 'GAY'. i don't think you're gay so much as slap happy.Expand QuoteI was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.[close][close]
definitely a tad gay, maybe doesn't realise he is gay yet. Straight men just get head off trannies not kiss or fondle their penises.
man, all ya'll go to moves on tranny are gay
I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics.  So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.Â
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.Â
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.Â
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.Â
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.Â
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.Â
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.
.Expand QuoteExpand Quoteyo you took the gnar pretty far! my favorite part is how your internal monologue referenced both 'band' and 'GAY'. i don't think you're gay so much as slap happy.Expand QuoteI was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.[close][close]
definitely a tad gay, maybe doesn't realise he is gay yet. Straight men just get head off trannies not kiss or fondle their penises.[close]
Yeah the go to move with a tranny shouldn't be stick as many fingers in the butthole as possible. It should be get head with eyes closed than don't tell anybody ever and repress the memory deep in the banks until the next time you need to jerk it.
anyway, going back tonight when she's off work. it was awkward but she made it not awkward in the end but it reeeeally sucked having her go to town on my flaccid dong
thrillho for president.
Expand Quotethrillho for president.[close]
yeah his story is post of the year.
I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.
After I left I got to thinking about the stereotypes that different races have when it comes to girls giving head. White girls swallow, black girls don't. You can be a little rougher with black girls while they suck you off, but the white girls I've been with don't really like that. With Asians and Hispanic girls it's a mixed bag. Any of you guys want to weigh in on this?
Lol. Had no idea there was blowjob stereotypes.Neither did I.
But I'm a homo and we drink that shit like protein shakes.
There's this girl I've been trying to get to know for the past couple years. We started kicking it a few weeks ago but had no sexual contact. Last night we were watching Juno at her place and drinking 4Lokos (disgusting, I know). I've also been getting over a flu so my stomach has been empty for days. We get drunk and start fucking, just going at it raw dog. After 40ish minutes I start feeling sick, start salivating more, I'm gonna ralph BUT I was also close to cumming. Well, I ended up puking all over her back, didn't get to cum. She rushes to the bathroom, I just sit there in shame. After she showers she refuses to allow me to go home, makes us a cot on the floor and gets me a bedpan. I wake up in the morning and she's cooking me breakfast. She tells me not to worry about last night and shit happens. Idk whether to ever show my face again or not because to her I'll always be that guy that puked on her while fucking.
There's this girl I've been trying to get to know for the past couple years. We started kicking it a few weeks ago but had no sexual contact. Last night we were watching Juno at her place and drinking 4Lokos (disgusting, I know). I've also been getting over a flu so my stomach has been empty for days. We get drunk and start fucking, just going at it raw dog. After 40ish minutes I start feeling sick, start salivating more, I'm gonna ralph BUT I was also close to cumming. Well, I ended up puking all over her back, didn't get to cum. She rushes to the bathroom, I just sit there in shame. After she showers she refuses to allow me to go home, makes us a cot on the floor and gets me a bedpan. I wake up in the morning and she's cooking me breakfast. She tells me not to worry about last night and shit happens. Idk whether to ever show my face again or not because to her I'll always be that guy that puked on her while fucking.
There's this girl I've been trying to get to know for the past couple years. We started kicking it a few weeks ago but had no sexual contact. Last night we were watching Juno at her place and drinking 4Lokos (disgusting, I know). I've also been getting over a flu so my stomach has been empty for days. We get drunk and start fucking, just going at it raw dog. After 40ish minutes I start feeling sick, start salivating more, I'm gonna ralph BUT I was also close to cumming. Well, I ended up puking all over her back, didn't get to cum. She rushes to the bathroom, I just sit there in shame. After she showers she refuses to allow me to go home, makes us a cot on the floor and gets me a bedpan. I wake up in the morning and she's cooking me breakfast. She tells me not to worry about last night and shit happens. Idk whether to ever show my face again or not because to her I'll always be that guy that puked on her while fucking.
Expand QuoteThere's this girl I've been trying to get to know for the past couple years. We started kicking it a few weeks ago but had no sexual contact. Last night we were watching Juno at her place and drinking 4Lokos (disgusting, I know). I've also been getting over a flu so my stomach has been empty for days. We get drunk and start fucking, just going at it raw dog. After 40ish minutes I start feeling sick, start salivating more, I'm gonna ralph BUT I was also close to cumming. Well, I ended up puking all over her back, didn't get to cum. She rushes to the bathroom, I just sit there in shame. After she showers she refuses to allow me to go home, makes us a cot on the floor and gets me a bedpan. I wake up in the morning and she's cooking me breakfast. She tells me not to worry about last night and shit happens. Idk whether to ever show my face again or not because to her I'll always be that guy that puked on her while fucking.[close]
that's so fucked!
I'm glad she's rad enough to be an adult about it. You should definitely keep that going.
Went back with a bottle of Hennesy, ate her out for half an hour as a thank you/apology. Gonna stay away from fruity canned drinks from now on
Expand QuoteThere's this girl I've been trying to get to know for the past couple years. We started kicking it a few weeks ago but had no sexual contact. Last night we were watching Juno at her place and drinking 4Lokos (disgusting, I know). I've also been getting over a flu so my stomach has been empty for days. We get drunk and start fucking, just going at it raw dog. After 40ish minutes I start feeling sick, start salivating more, I'm gonna ralph BUT I was also close to cumming. Well, I ended up puking all over her back, didn't get to cum. She rushes to the bathroom, I just sit there in shame. After she showers she refuses to allow me to go home, makes us a cot on the floor and gets me a bedpan. I wake up in the morning and she's cooking me breakfast. She tells me not to worry about last night and shit happens. Idk whether to ever show my face again or not because to her I'll always be that guy that puked on her while fucking.[close]
anytime you feel that ashamed and embarrassed and she is still around then you know shes a keeper.
Neither did I.Expand QuoteLol. Had no idea there was blowjob stereotypes.[close]
But I'm a homo and we drink that shit like protein shakes.
Part of me is worried that she might be too gnarly, but more of me thinks she's the coolest. I'm proud of you, jimi.Expand QuoteThere's this girl I've been trying to get to know for the past couple years. We started kicking it a few weeks ago but had no sexual contact. Last night we were watching Juno at her place and drinking 4Lokos (disgusting, I know). I've also been getting over a flu so my stomach has been empty for days. We get drunk and start fucking, just going at it raw dog. After 40ish minutes I start feeling sick, start salivating more, I'm gonna ralph BUT I was also close to cumming. Well, I ended up puking all over her back, didn't get to cum. She rushes to the bathroom, I just sit there in shame. After she showers she refuses to allow me to go home, makes us a cot on the floor and gets me a bedpan. I wake up in the morning and she's cooking me breakfast. She tells me not to worry about last night and shit happens. Idk whether to ever show my face again or not because to her I'll always be that guy that puked on her while fucking.[close]
anytime you feel that ashamed and embarrassed and she is still around then you know shes a keeper.
Tldr fucked my girl in my friend bathroom and tried those new frito burritos
Me: can't wait to see the dangler
Her: Omg, You did not just say that. I'm so embarrassed lol
*Blushing*
Me: the nachos or the dangler? don't be embarassed
Me: of either or both?
Her: both!
Me: id be down to eat chips that have been doused in your lady juice. that is hot
Me: also, I like lipslipslips
Me: lovin' danglers since day one
Her: oh my gosh
Her: teehehehe
Her: you're seriously making me blush
Chat Conversation End
The shit will hit the fan sooner or later
damn, willie, sounds like a rough time mentally.i think it's safe to say he already did that when dude went down on a girl rumored to have herpes
I know it's hard considering your anxiety, but next time you're hooking up with a girl, approach the situation like there's nothing to lose. You'll be surprised to find yourself fucking like a porn star when you have no god damn shame. Also, next time you're hitting that 40 second mark, pace yourself and go back and forth between foreplay and penetration. You're a better fuck than you think, you just don't know it yet.
The more you know (rainbow).
i think it's safe to say he already did that when dude went down on a girl rumored to have herpesExpand Quotedamn, willie, sounds like a rough time mentally.
I know it's hard considering your anxiety, but next time you're hooking up with a girl, approach the situation like there's nothing to lose. You'll be surprised to find yourself fucking like a porn star when you have no god damn shame. Also, next time you're hitting that 40 second mark, pace yourself and go back and forth between foreplay and penetration. You're a better fuck than you think, you just don't know it yet.
The more you know (rainbow).[close]
Expand Quotei think it's safe to say he already did that when dude went down on a girl rumored to have herpesExpand Quotedamn, willie, sounds like a rough time mentally.
I know it's hard considering your anxiety, but next time you're hooking up with a girl, approach the situation like there's nothing to lose. You'll be surprised to find yourself fucking like a porn star when you have no god damn shame. Also, next time you're hitting that 40 second mark, pace yourself and go back and forth between foreplay and penetration. You're a better fuck than you think, you just don't know it yet.
The more you know (rainbow).[close][close]
2:19
Doug Stanhope - This Generation Sucks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2n34eeXWjUQ#)
I was an introvert mostly throughout High School. I didn't go to many parties, nor did I have many friends, but for some reason I always found myself in situations in which I could potential hook up with a girl I liked.
Unfortunately, I had 0 skills on picking up girls even though I was trying really hard to get a girl.
In 11th grade there was a party around my school's christmas break, my closest friend at the time invited me to it. I was reluctant to go, but I eventually agreed.
I don't remember the exact date, but I went to the party and there was this girl that I'd seen before but couldn't really tell where. I still remembered her name though, Vanessa. She was pretty cute and I eventually convinced myself to make a move on her.
I stood there for a second, watching her, planning a way to get her to be interested in me. I couldn't come up with a plan, so I decided to just walk up to her and see what happens.
I walk up to her and say, "Hey." in the most seductive voice possible. She looks at me, smiles and says "hey" back. I decide to engage in conversation and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "Disneyland must have a lot of pedophiles, don't you think?"
Shit. I had said one of the strangest things my brain could think of. Vanessa stood there for a bit confused, but to my surprise Vanessa started laughing and said, "You're funny, I like funny guys."
I started saying more things.
She laughed even more.
I started getting excited, for the first time in my life I had gotten a girl. But then it dawned on me. I knew I recognized Vanessa from somewhere and I finally remembered where. A strip club. Vanessa was a stripper. Me and the close friend I mentioned earlier had snuck past bouncers about a year ago and got into a strip club which was pretty risky since we were under 18.
I got kind of sweaty for a moment as I realized not only was Vanessa a stripper, but she was also much older than me obviously. My little virgin self at the time could not take in these two thoughts at once. I began to get a little awkward, but still, she laughed at me and thought I was just funny.
After another few minutes of conversing she said to me, "Hey, I know the host of this party, do you want to get a room?"
Inside I was squealing with excitement, but on the outside I played it cool and just said, "Sure."
A few minutes later we were making out in a bedroom in the house. This was the first time I had ever actually made out with a girl, I had kissed girls before, but I'd never actually used tongue. I was ecstatic, I didn't know what to do but I guess I wasn't doing too bad since Vanessa seemed to be enjoying herself.
Then the most nervous moment of my life came.
"Do you have a condom?" Vanessa asked me.
I stuttered a bit and said no, she looked disappointed but got out her phone and called someone. A few minutes later we were interrupted in our make out session by the host of the party, who supplied us with condoms. I was so nervous/anxious that I could barely keep up the act of playing it cool on the outside.
The next part might get kind of graphic, so... yeah, just a fair warning.
In the next minute I had put on the condom and was starting to take off Vanessa's clothes. Finally, she was fully naked, as was I. She got up from laying down for a second and turned her back towards me, she wanted doggy style I guess.
Before I put my dick in her she said, "wait". Kind of annoyed by the sudden stop, I said, "What?" Without looking at me she said, "Put it in slowly, I'm actually a virgin." I couldn't believe it. This girl who was older than me, a stripper, and had been extremely aggressive was a virgin. I still can't believe it. I asked her if she was serious because I was in shock. She said she was serious, she was looking to lose it tonight and she didn't care whom she lost it to. I told her I was a virgin too and she said good. As I was putting it in she said, "Wait, I need one more thing.." "What do you need?" I asked.
"I need about tree fiddy." It was around this time I realized that Vanessa was 8 stories tall and a crustacean from the paleolithic era. "Damnit Loch Ness monster, I ain't givin' you no tree fiddy!" I said to her as she swam away into the distance.
POST OF THE YEAAAAAAAAAAAAARhe isn't claiming he wrote them but yooo (http://www.techdigest.tv/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/copy-and-paste.jpg)
I was an introvert mostly throughout High School. I didn't go to many parties, nor did I have many friends, but for some reason I always found myself in situations in which I could potential hook up with a girl I liked.
Unfortunately, I had 0 skills on picking up girls even though I was trying really hard to get a girl.
In 11th grade there was a party around my school's christmas break, my closest friend at the time invited me to it. I was reluctant to go, but I eventually agreed.
I don't remember the exact date, but I went to the party and there was this girl that I'd seen before but couldn't really tell where. I still remembered her name though, Vanessa. She was pretty cute and I eventually convinced myself to make a move on her.
I stood there for a second, watching her, planning a way to get her to be interested in me. I couldn't come up with a plan, so I decided to just walk up to her and see what happens.
I walk up to her and say, "Hey." in the most seductive voice possible. She looks at me, smiles and says "hey" back. I decide to engage in conversation and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "Disneyland must have a lot of pedophiles, don't you think?"
Shit. I had said one of the strangest things my brain could think of. Vanessa stood there for a bit confused, but to my surprise Vanessa started laughing and said, "You're funny, I like funny guys."
I started saying more things.
She laughed even more.
I started getting excited, for the first time in my life I had gotten a girl. But then it dawned on me. I knew I recognized Vanessa from somewhere and I finally remembered where. A strip club. Vanessa was a stripper. Me and the close friend I mentioned earlier had snuck past bouncers about a year ago and got into a strip club which was pretty risky since we were under 18.
I got kind of sweaty for a moment as I realized not only was Vanessa a stripper, but she was also much older than me obviously. My little virgin self at the time could not take in these two thoughts at once. I began to get a little awkward, but still, she laughed at me and thought I was just funny.
After another few minutes of conversing she said to me, "Hey, I know the host of this party, do you want to get a room?"
Inside I was squealing with excitement, but on the outside I played it cool and just said, "Sure."
A few minutes later we were making out in a bedroom in the house. This was the first time I had ever actually made out with a girl, I had kissed girls before, but I'd never actually used tongue. I was ecstatic, I didn't know what to do but I guess I wasn't doing too bad since Vanessa seemed to be enjoying herself.
Then the most nervous moment of my life came.
"Do you have a condom?" Vanessa asked me.
I stuttered a bit and said no, she looked disappointed but got out her phone and called someone. A few minutes later we were interrupted in our make out session by the host of the party, who supplied us with condoms. I was so nervous/anxious that I could barely keep up the act of playing it cool on the outside.
The next part might get kind of graphic, so... yeah, just a fair warning.
In the next minute I had put on the condom and was starting to take off Vanessa's clothes. Finally, she was fully naked, as was I. She got up from laying down for a second and turned her back towards me, she wanted doggy style I guess.
Before I put my dick in her she said, "wait". Kind of annoyed by the sudden stop, I said, "What?" Without looking at me she said, "Put it in slowly, I'm actually a virgin." I couldn't believe it. This girl who was older than me, a stripper, and had been extremely aggressive was a virgin. I still can't believe it. I asked her if she was serious because I was in shock. She said she was serious, she was looking to lose it tonight and she didn't care whom she lost it to. I told her I was a virgin too and she said good. As I was putting it in she said, "Wait, I need one more thing.." "What do you need?" I asked.
"I need about tree fiddy." It was around this time I realized that Vanessa was 8 stories tall and a crustacean from the paleolithic era. "Damnit Loch Ness monster, I ain't givin' you no tree fiddy!" I said to her as she swam away into the distance.
control c, control p? nope, control v! ???Control my p into your b, son. 8) 8) 8)
My ex-girlfriend, her mom, her sister and I were all watching a movie in the living room. Long story short, they all passed out, and I boned my ex in front of her passed out family under the blankets.
I remember peacing out of girls' houses in the am with a pubic hair stuck in my throat - trying to cough that shit out and its hard to do!
Expand QuoteI remember peacing out of girls' houses in the am with a pubic hair stuck in my throat - trying to cough that shit out and its hard to do![close]
if its just at the back of your throat, just use a toothbrush and scrape that shit out. further back than that, eat a piece of bread.
hope that helps homie.
funniest thread ever! anyways
I was at a sushi bar with my ex gf and she decides she wants to give me a blow job in the bathroom after we eat , i was like fuck yeah so we go. she wasnt that good as she was pretty new to sexual experiences (17 yr old) so it took a while before i could nut, about 5 minutes into it some asshole knocks on the door telling us to hurry up. i yelled back "occupied" thinking he would leave. 20 minutes later after what was probably some loud deepthroating I open the door and the dude is standing outside the door quickly whipping his hand out of his pants. we kinda just looked at eachother awkwardly and didnt say anything and parted ways.. was pretty awkward the guy was like mid 40s and i was 19
Expand QuoteMy ex-girlfriend, her mom, her sister and I were all watching a movie in the living room. Long story short, they all passed out, and I boned my ex in front of her passed out family under the blankets.[close]
Hj at the most you loaf
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI remember peacing out of girls' houses in the am with a pubic hair stuck in my throat - trying to cough that shit out and its hard to do![close]
if its just at the back of your throat, just use a toothbrush and scrape that shit out. further back than that, eat a piece of bread.
hope that helps homie.[close]
Curb Your Enthusiasm: Pubic Hair in Larry David's Throat (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mzg7Ybv2Pmo#)
so i used to work at journeys at our local mall, and on Valentine's Day this girl walked into the store and asked my manager to see "the guy with the long hair" (aka me 2 years ago). So i come out of the back room to see whats gouda. To my surprise there's a random girl i've never seen before asking my questions (hitting on me). This girl is a solid 7, pretty face, kind of chubby. She asks me for my number and my boss is right next to me throughout all of this, so i give it to her and she leaves. Not even 5 minutes pass and i have a text from her. I didn't want my boss to think i was interested in this girl so i just didn't respond until i got off work. So i get home and i realize that my friend had left his tent set up in my backyard and he also left his bong in there too. So i go in the tent and hit this girl up. I ask here if shes game for coming to my place and getting high and kick it. She is super down and says shes on her way. So i start to go inside the house and grabbing my condoms and other sexual necessities (jam-box,candles,weed,etc..) She shows up and i walk her back to the tent and shes ready to hang. We both get pretty high and start to go at it. I tried to avoid making out as much as possible because this girl is a 7, which means her grill isn't quite up to par either. So we make out a little and then she starts to suck me off, she's killing it too, just going for it, all of a sudden my stoach just clenches so hard and i look down and my nuts are in her throat. This was my first experience of having my balls sucked by a girl and it was the craziest feeling. Like, it felt good but it felt way too good like getting tickled feels way too good. So i wrap it up with this girl and i ask where to cum and she just opens her mouth and i shoot and score. She swallowed it and i come up with a lie about why she needs to leave and that was that. About a week later i'm putting up shoes for the display rack and she shows up. Luckily enough she didn't see me so i crept back to the stockroom and told my manager that if anyone asks, I'm not here. So i avoided her and that night i got a text message from the girl saying "hey i ahvent heard from you in a while but i was thinking we should be friends with benefits because the sex was great."Although i was honored by the compliment i also did not accept the offer. Sorry if this isnt awkward enough for you guys but i felt pretty awkward having to dodge this chick at work.
She doesn't really sound like a "7" by they way you are describing her :-\
very true. haha maybe i did give her a few extra points just to soften the blow of realizing how bad she really was .Expand QuoteShe doesn't really sound like a "7" by they way you are describing her :-\[close]
To each their own. Your "7" is probably someone else's 4.
yeah it was an experience thats for sure but she just wasn't the greatest looking girl. I just had to call it quitsExpand Quoteso i used to work at journeys at our local mall, and on Valentine's Day this girl walked into the store and asked my manager to see "the guy with the long hair" (aka me 2 years ago). So i come out of the back room to see whats gouda. To my surprise there's a random girl i've never seen before asking my questions (hitting on me). This girl is a solid 7, pretty face, kind of chubby. She asks me for my number and my boss is right next to me throughout all of this, so i give it to her and she leaves. Not even 5 minutes pass and i have a text from her. I didn't want my boss to think i was interested in this girl so i just didn't respond until i got off work. So i get home and i realize that my friend had left his tent set up in my backyard and he also left his bong in there too. So i go in the tent and hit this girl up. I ask here if shes game for coming to my place and getting high and kick it. She is super down and says shes on her way. So i start to go inside the house and grabbing my condoms and other sexual necessities (jam-box,candles,weed,etc..) She shows up and i walk her back to the tent and shes ready to hang. We both get pretty high and start to go at it. I tried to avoid making out as much as possible because this girl is a 7, which means her grill isn't quite up to par either. So we make out a little and then she starts to suck me off, she's killing it too, just going for it, all of a sudden my stoach just clenches so hard and i look down and my nuts are in her throat. This was my first experience of having my balls sucked by a girl and it was the craziest feeling. Like, it felt good but it felt way too good like getting tickled feels way too good. So i wrap it up with this girl and i ask where to cum and she just opens her mouth and i shoot and score. She swallowed it and i come up with a lie about why she needs to leave and that was that. About a week later i'm putting up shoes for the display rack and she shows up. Luckily enough she didn't see me so i crept back to the stockroom and told my manager that if anyone asks, I'm not here. So i avoided her and that night i got a text message from the girl saying "hey i ahvent heard from you in a while but i was thinking we should be friends with benefits because the sex was great."Although i was honored by the compliment i also did not accept the offer. Sorry if this isnt awkward enough for you guys but i felt pretty awkward having to dodge this chick at work.[close]
I like a chick that goes for it and plus asked to be friends with benefits even though you were not her friend to begin with. If I was you I would have banged her a few more times she seemed down to do whatever-then seen if she had any cute friends that would have been into a 3 way, since you're not really friends before you can get away with being blunt and asking, if it was a no go then bounce...but give her a high 5 and say it was a good time.
Expand Quoteso i used to work at journeys at our local mall, and on Valentine's Day this girl walked into the store and asked my manager to see "the guy with the long hair" (aka me 2 years ago). So i come out of the back room to see whats gouda. To my surprise there's a random girl i've never seen before asking my questions (hitting on me). This girl is a solid 7, pretty face, kind of chubby. She asks me for my number and my boss is right next to me throughout all of this, so i give it to her and she leaves. Not even 5 minutes pass and i have a text from her. I didn't want my boss to think i was interested in this girl so i just didn't respond until i got off work. So i get home and i realize that my friend had left his tent set up in my backyard and he also left his bong in there too. So i go in the tent and hit this girl up. I ask here if shes game for coming to my place and getting high and kick it. She is super down and says shes on her way. So i start to go inside the house and grabbing my condoms and other sexual necessities (jam-box,candles,weed,etc..) She shows up and i walk her back to the tent and shes ready to hang. We both get pretty high and start to go at it. I tried to avoid making out as much as possible because this girl is a 7, which means her grill isn't quite up to par either. So we make out a little and then she starts to suck me off, she's killing it too, just going for it, all of a sudden my stoach just clenches so hard and i look down and my nuts are in her throat. This was my first experience of having my balls sucked by a girl and it was the craziest feeling. Like, it felt good but it felt way too good like getting tickled feels way too good. So i wrap it up with this girl and i ask where to cum and she just opens her mouth and i shoot and score. She swallowed it and i come up with a lie about why she needs to leave and that was that. About a week later i'm putting up shoes for the display rack and she shows up. Luckily enough she didn't see me so i crept back to the stockroom and told my manager that if anyone asks, I'm not here. So i avoided her and that night i got a text message from the girl saying "hey i ahvent heard from you in a while but i was thinking we should be friends with benefits because the sex was great."Although i was honored by the compliment i also did not accept the offer. Sorry if this isnt awkward enough for you guys but i felt pretty awkward having to dodge this chick at work.[close]
I like a chick that goes for it and plus asked to be friends with benefits even though you were not her friend to begin with. If I was you I would have banged her a few more times she seemed down to do whatever-then seen if she had any cute friends that would have been into a 3 way, since you're not really friends before you can get away with being blunt and asking, if it was a no go then bounce...but give her a high 5 and say it was a good time.
Last week I was hooking up with this girl i've known for awhile. We fucked in the pool then she started to give me head on the lawn chairs while we were air drying, as she is deepthroating me I see a Mexican worker doing his rounds around the gated community. We both just waved at eachother then I went back to this girl from Brooklyn sucking my dick. Then we fucked in her bed and while i was doing her from behind her dad comes in and says good night to us then shuts the door (obviously seeing our bare bodies in motion) 2 hours later I asked him for a ride home and I spilled a bunch of sour patch kids on his car floor.. this night could have been way more awkward.
haha oh well, someone had to please her, lucky enough for you it happened to be you. Props my guy ;DExpand QuoteExpand Quoteso i used to work at journeys at our local mall, and on Valentine's Day this girl walked into the store and asked my manager to see "the guy with the long hair" (aka me 2 years ago). So i come out of the back room to see whats gouda. To my surprise there's a random girl i've never seen before asking my questions (hitting on me). This girl is a solid 7, pretty face, kind of chubby. She asks me for my number and my boss is right next to me throughout all of this, so i give it to her and she leaves. Not even 5 minutes pass and i have a text from her. I didn't want my boss to think i was interested in this girl so i just didn't respond until i got off work. So i get home and i realize that my friend had left his tent set up in my backyard and he also left his bong in there too. So i go in the tent and hit this girl up. I ask here if shes game for coming to my place and getting high and kick it. She is super down and says shes on her way. So i start to go inside the house and grabbing my condoms and other sexual necessities (jam-box,candles,weed,etc..) She shows up and i walk her back to the tent and shes ready to hang. We both get pretty high and start to go at it. I tried to avoid making out as much as possible because this girl is a 7, which means her grill isn't quite up to par either. So we make out a little and then she starts to suck me off, she's killing it too, just going for it, all of a sudden my stoach just clenches so hard and i look down and my nuts are in her throat. This was my first experience of having my balls sucked by a girl and it was the craziest feeling. Like, it felt good but it felt way too good like getting tickled feels way too good. So i wrap it up with this girl and i ask where to cum and she just opens her mouth and i shoot and score. She swallowed it and i come up with a lie about why she needs to leave and that was that. About a week later i'm putting up shoes for the display rack and she shows up. Luckily enough she didn't see me so i crept back to the stockroom and told my manager that if anyone asks, I'm not here. So i avoided her and that night i got a text message from the girl saying "hey i ahvent heard from you in a while but i was thinking we should be friends with benefits because the sex was great."Although i was honored by the compliment i also did not accept the offer. Sorry if this isnt awkward enough for you guys but i felt pretty awkward having to dodge this chick at work.[close]
I like a chick that goes for it and plus asked to be friends with benefits even though you were not her friend to begin with. If I was you I would have banged her a few more times she seemed down to do whatever-then seen if she had any cute friends that would have been into a 3 way, since you're not really friends before you can get away with being blunt and asking, if it was a no go then bounce...but give her a high 5 and say it was a good time.[close]
there was a stunner who did this to me. We met in class the first day and she immediately started flirting. She was a 10 for me and after a few weeks of flirting in class we hooked up a few times before calling it quits because she had a boyfriend and was feeling guilty. When I saw him at the end of the quarter I understood why she did it, he was fat and I was a skater. She was the first girl I went down on too. Not awkward at all when I gave her a hug good bye and skated out the door while he was waiting at the car for her. I'm probably going to hell for that one.
This isn't so awkward, but it's pretty awesome.
I was visiting my girlfriend at her college last week. One of the nights I was there, we had half a bottle of bourbon, and we drank it all. I hadn't been drunk in almost a year, and she's a total lightweight, so it was a good time. We ended up getting into it and after having sex for a while, we quickly switch to her giving me a blowjob.
So, I should mention that she gets nosebleeds very easily. If she rubs it the wrong way, or gets lightheaded, blood just starts flowing out. So when she got up really fast she started gushing from her nose. I was about to get up and stop so she could clean herself up, but she just kept going and started rubbing the blood all over my chest. I've never seen so much blood in my life. Luckily, I'm not grossed out by much, so she kept going for a minute until there was so much blood all over us, that it looked like she bit my dick off. Definitely the best / funniest sexual experience in my young life.
Had to crop out my junk, sorry GAY ;D
This isn't so awkward, but it's pretty awesome.
I was visiting my girlfriend at her college last week. One of the nights I was there, we had half a bottle of bourbon, and we drank it all. I hadn't been drunk in almost a year, and she's a total lightweight, so it was a good time. We ended up getting into it and after having sex for a while, we quickly switch to her giving me a blowjob.
So, I should mention that she gets nosebleeds very easily. If she rubs it the wrong way, or gets lightheaded, blood just starts flowing out. So when she got up really fast she started gushing from her nose. I was about to get up and stop so she could clean herself up, but she just kept going and started rubbing the blood all over my chest. I've never seen so much blood in my life. Luckily, I'm not grossed out by much, so she kept going for a minute until there was so much blood all over us, that it looked like she bit my dick off. Definitely the best / funniest sexual experience in my young life.
(http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b615/sweatstainsslap/8f298ef4-d94f-4078-845a-ba6991d343c3_zpsih1ap0rz.jpg)
Had to crop out my junk, sorry GAY ;D
a hand job can be a beautiful thingThis is so true, and I hate that most people don't understand this fact.
This is so true, and I hate that most people don't understand this fact.Expand Quotea hand job can be a beautiful thing[close]
Expand QuoteThis is so true, and I hate that most people don't understand this fact.Expand Quotea hand job can be a beautiful thing[close][close]
The only time's I've had decent handjobs has been when the girl is whacking me off into her own mouth, other than thit they have been shit.
A shit blow job is way better than a shit hand job.
i hate blow jobskinda weird.
kinda weird.Expand Quotei hate blow jobs[close]
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThis is so true, and I hate that most people don't understand this fact.Expand Quotea hand job can be a beautiful thing[close][close]
The only time's I've had decent handjobs has been when the girl is whacking me off into her own mouth, other than thit they have been shit.
A shit blow job is way better than a shit hand job.[close]
i hate blow jobs, i never been able to cum with just a blow job so i feel bad for the girl going at it for like 10 minutes. I usually fake moan saying i like it but i just feel bad for them so i usually say like "oh you got me so turned on i want to fuck you" that always works by the way
im with ill murry. blowjobs are like the appitizer and sex is the main course.
im still a huge fan of blowjobs though. i have a totally different orgasm that i cant get any other way. i dont know what my girl does, but when she gives me head it makes my hands and sometimes my face go totally numb like they fell asleep. its weird to describe, but it feels amazing.
(http://40.media.tumblr.com/68f4a1ded943bbe99261a2799a0b887a/tumblr_nlmxisNFck1qkv3o0o1_400.jpg)
im with ill murry. blowjobs are like the appitizer and sex is the main course.if they do it righ you should just appreciate that, not that it's necessarily "the highest form of flattery" we all- well i assume most of us- know/have known some chicken head ass hoe.
This story isn't really that awkward, but it could have consequences in the future. So I was dogsitting for a really good friend of mine after he had gotten married which meant that my girlfriend and I had a place where we could have some loud, fun sex because I live with 5 other guys and she gets embarrassed. Anyways, we cook dinner, have a few beers, and watch Grease. Finally, we're getting ready to go to bed. At the time, I was feeling like a straight homeowner. No fooling around on the couch, nothing, just light making out. Anyways, so we get into bed, the lights go down and we start getting serious. First off, my friend's dog, which is a giant, spoiled Husky kept trying to get into the bedroom, and then when we let him in, he sat on the bed and watched us. So I get on top of her, and we're both kind of drunk, and she's a little dry, but I figured it would pass. So I start picking up speed and I feel a sharp pinch right on my dick, her vagina starts to feel really wet, but I'm losing my boner. I'm thinking "what the fuck, after all this I'm gonna just go limp mid stroke?" I pull out because she says it doesn't feel right either, turn on the light to see my dick covered in blood, my blood. I'm uncircumcised, and it's right where the extra skin folds down. A lot of thoughts are going though my head, most importantly "will I be able to skate?" so we clean me up and laugh about it. Next day see that all the blood that leaked from my mangled cock had soaked into the mattress, and I spent the whole week cleaning it off with bleach, I also stole a pair of my friend's boxers that I have yet to give back."sharp pinch", bloody dick??? You can't leave us hanging like that . WTF happened to cause this? I really thought it was going to be something involving the dog. Consequences in the future??? Please clarify...
They moved recently and didn't mention anything about the stains that were still clearly on there.
Snapped banjo string obvs"sharp pinch", bloody dick??? You can't leave us hanging like that . WTF happened to cause this? I really thought it was going to be something involving the dog. Consequences in the future??? Please clarify...Expand QuoteThis story isn't really that awkward, but it could have consequences in the future. So I was dogsitting for a really good friend of mine after he had gotten married which meant that my girlfriend and I had a place where we could have some loud, fun sex because I live with 5 other guys and she gets embarrassed. Anyways, we cook dinner, have a few beers, and watch Grease. Finally, we're getting ready to go to bed. At the time, I was feeling like a straight homeowner. No fooling around on the couch, nothing, just light making out. Anyways, so we get into bed, the lights go down and we start getting serious. First off, my friend's dog, which is a giant, spoiled Husky kept trying to get into the bedroom, and then when we let him in, he sat on the bed and watched us. So I get on top of her, and we're both kind of drunk, and she's a little dry, but I figured it would pass. So I start picking up speed and I feel a sharp pinch right on my dick, her vagina starts to feel really wet, but I'm losing my boner. I'm thinking "what the fuck, after all this I'm gonna just go limp mid stroke?" I pull out because she says it doesn't feel right either, turn on the light to see my dick covered in blood, my blood. I'm uncircumcised, and it's right where the extra skin folds down. A lot of thoughts are going though my head, most importantly "will I be able to skate?" so we clean me up and laugh about it. Next day see that all the blood that leaked from my mangled cock had soaked into the mattress, and I spent the whole week cleaning it off with bleach, I also stole a pair of my friend's boxers that I have yet to give back.
They moved recently and didn't mention anything about the stains that were still clearly on there.[close]
Not a sexual experience for me . My gfs teenage daughter tries to expose herself (whoops my towel ect.) to me but I'm too fast for her, I see it coming and I avert my eyes -its like involuntary.Yikes, that kind of sounds like some misdirected and twisted paternal transference shit, maybe it would be good to have a talk about it with your GF before she starts pulling that shit with other much older guys who won't be so upstanding, that could lead her into some dark shit :(. Just my 2 cents but i'd be concerned
What are your opinions on girls who say "I love you" way too fast.Crazy. Absolutely bat shit psycho.
This story isn't really that awkward, but it could have consequences in the future. So I was dogsitting for a really good friend of mine after he had gotten married which meant that my girlfriend and I had a place where we could have some loud, fun sex because I live with 5 other guys and she gets embarrassed. Anyways, we cook dinner, have a few beers, and watch Grease. Finally, we're getting ready to go to bed. At the time, I was feeling like a straight homeowner. No fooling around on the couch, nothing, just light making out. Anyways, so we get into bed, the lights go down and we start getting serious. First off, my friend's dog, which is a giant, spoiled Husky kept trying to get into the bedroom, and then when we let him in, he sat on the bed and watched us. So I get on top of her, and we're both kind of drunk, and she's a little dry, but I figured it would pass. So I start picking up speed and I feel a sharp pinch right on my dick, her vagina starts to feel really wet, but I'm losing my boner. I'm thinking "what the fuck, after all this I'm gonna just go limp mid stroke?" I pull out because she says it doesn't feel right either, turn on the light to see my dick covered in blood, my blood. I'm uncircumcised, and it's right where the extra skin folds down. A lot of thoughts are going though my head, most importantly "will I be able to skate?" so we clean me up and laugh about it. Next day see that all the blood that leaked from my mangled cock had soaked into the mattress, and I spent the whole week cleaning it off with bleach, I also stole a pair of my friend's boxers that I have yet to give back.
They moved recently and didn't mention anything about the stains that were still clearly on there.
yikes! Tell her to chill outrun.
I was fucking my gf and afterwords she says "You don't have to say anything but I love you" in a completely serious, looking in my eyes, tone. I kissed her on the ass. We've only been going out for a week. What are your opinions on girls who say "I love you" way too fast.
I don't think I posted this one yet:
I matched with this girl on Tinder (the source of all fucked up things), and before we met she called me drunk one saturday and we talked a bit and she seemed like a cool girl. Anyway, she was really hesitant to meet up, but all she talked about was sex and even masturbated while we were on the phone.
No warnings yet cause I'm regular.
We meet up one night at a bar and she's cool. All of a sudden she stops me in a sentence and asks if she looks like her photos and I say that photos don't really ever do anyone justice. I continue with my previous sentence and she starts crying all of a sudden... She wiped her tears and we continued to drink and eventually leave. Boom, full crazy mode about how I called her fat etc. I'm like WTF at this point but I manage to tell her that her skinny ass isn't fat at all and we call it a night.
Still no warning signs cause I think I can get laid at a later point, and also I'm a person.
We decide to meet one night when she isn't drinking. Same day her parents come on a surprise visit from Mexico and she is hella stoked and goes out drinking with her parents and brother. I'm out having a few beers with some friends but we decided to meet up around midnight anyway. Midnight turns to 1, then to 2, bar closes and I head home, pushed to 3 and then she shows up at 3:30am pretty fucking drunk and she has a six'er with her... I'm hella tired and tell her that I kinda want to go to bed soon, but she insists that we watch a movie. Put on whatever movie she wanted but 10 minutes in shes like "I wanna watch something that we don't have to pay attention to". So we do, and make out for a bit. Then she wants to watch a fucking movie again... By now it's like 5am and I'm crashing.
So I tell her that I'm going to bed real soon, and she can stay if she wants to. I'm too tired to care really.
So she screams "so if I pull off my pants and stick my ass in your face you won't fuck my brains out????". I reply with a "not really, I'm dead right now". She screams and cries some more and leaves, blocks me on all social media things right away. Haven't talked since.
Fucking dodged a bullet right there! Probably doesn't sound that awkward, but desperate girls make me really, really uncomfortable.
why the fuck do they lick up their own vomit? I wouldn't eat my vomit even if you paid me to.
Had a fat girl from okcupid throw up on me , i immediately got up and sink washed my junk and kicked her out my crib. Dont try to deep throat my shit if you're gonna snarfyour mom sounds like a fucking G
Another funny story is when after a night of boning possibly the baddest bitch of my life, my mom bust in my rooms with her classic " you turned my house into a hoetel" line . I had class in thirty minutes so i scrambled to kick this girl out. Walking out of my room and she slips and falls all the way to the bottom of my hardwood stairs . She took it like a champ and complimented on how clean my stairs were
And Willie, I hope you still know that girl--A girl going to lengths like that to make sure you have enjoyable brain is a woman to hold onto.
how do you get a hj with your pants still on?
So here I am, in her house, just about to fuck with a painful ankle injury and some erectile dysfunction due to the use of condoms, the alcohol in my veins and the meds I was using for the pain.
After some time I'm getting hard, I'm on the top of her trying to fuck her, when his older brother like 2 or 3 years older, enters her room (Kramer style). Ask me who the fuck I am, and if she has condoms for him because she's about to fuck a friend of her little sister. Here I am, inside her, while a guy I don't know, who is drunk is seeing me trying to fuck his little sister.
The girl gave him some condoms, and his brother left the room.
Expand Quotehow do you get a hj with your pants still on?[close]
PJ's
Blew a load into my pants after my girlfriend gave me a handjob. Due to busy and conflicting schedules, we have not had much time to fool around. So I unfortunately came pretty easily. The handjob felt great, but the aftermath in my pants was uncomfortable. We laugh and joke about it, then she proceeds to tell me she was about to go down on me.
Dammit.
Expand QuoteBlew a load into my pants after my girlfriend gave me a handjob. Due to busy and conflicting schedules, we have not had much time to fool around. So I unfortunately came pretty easily. The handjob felt great, but the aftermath in my pants was uncomfortable. We laugh and joke about it, then she proceeds to tell me she was about to go down on me.
Dammit.[close]
That girl has serious skills or you havent had alot of sex.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteBlew a load into my pants after my girlfriend gave me a handjob. Due to busy and conflicting schedules, we have not had much time to fool around. So I unfortunately came pretty easily. The handjob felt great, but the aftermath in my pants was uncomfortable. We laugh and joke about it, then she proceeds to tell me she was about to go down on me.
Dammit.[close]
That girl has serious skills or you havent had alot of sex.[close]
I'm definitely not some Ron Jeremy, but when it's been a while, it catches you by surprise. Usually her shitty handjobs are just a preface, but this time around she must have read a how-to book or something. One side of me is ashamed, but the other side of me was psyched for her
hahahaha
This reminds me. Where's Jimi been?
Hopefully compiling a book about his "encounters" with the females of the juggalo species.Expand QuoteThis reminds me. Where's Jimi been?[close]
I was just thinking about that yesterday myself.
Had a fat girl from okcupid throw up on me , i immediately got up and sink washed my junk and kicked her out my crib. Dont try to deep throat my shit if you're gonna snarf
Not sure if I have shared this story already, I apologize if I have.
I have this girlfriend and we both are very intimate. My roommate's and I rent a 3 room college home. They rarely come out of their rooms and all they do is play COD or FIFA and use headsets that make it impossible for them to hear anything outside. So, we usually get loud and no one cares.
This one time we were at foreplay when I hear giggling outside. We stop and all the blood is nowhere near my brain. I try to listen to the voices and think it's just one of our friends that will visit every once in a while. I am completely sure and we resume. After an intense session I completely forgot they were there. As I go out looking for water and to get rid of the condom I step out to awkwardly make eye contact with 3 girls my roommate had over to help with math homework. One of them nudges the other and says "told you there was squeaking". I grabbed a water bottle and ran back to hide in shame.
2 of them proceeded to come over and stay as late as possible a few times.
Expand QuoteSo here I am, in her house, just about to fuck with a painful ankle injury and some erectile dysfunction due to the use of condoms, the alcohol in my veins and the meds I was using for the pain.
After some time I'm getting hard, I'm on the top of her trying to fuck her, when his older brother like 2 or 3 years older, enters her room (Kramer style). Ask me who the fuck I am, and if she has condoms for him because she's about to fuck a friend of her little sister. Here I am, inside her, while a guy I don't know, who is drunk is seeing me trying to fuck his little sister.
The girl gave him some condoms, and his brother left the room.[close]
Who are you fucking? I understand if English isn't your primary language, but there the gender-swapping is seriously confusing. And many people were in the room? You mention an older brother, then a younger brother, but it only seems like one person enters the room.Expand QuoteExpand Quotehow do you get a hj with your pants still on?[close]
PJ's[close]
That's called heavy petting.
I don't have anything too crazy compared to these other ones on here especially after reading the ladyboy story. I just got done regaining air supply from laughing so fucking hard.
---
A good 2-3 times of a shit covered dick from anal with this cougar, who I still bang. She refuses to use enemas and sometimes shit happens, it comes with the territory. I quickly had to grab 3 sheets of Kleenex, and wrap it around my schlong while I ran downstairs naked and immediately began scrubbing the shit out of it with soap and a washcloth in the tub. I went through like three different washcloths to make sure there was no trace and when I got home took a full shower and scrubbed it again.
---
This one's not really awkward but just a once in a lifetime experience. Back in high school I was dating this chick who was known by pretty much everyone as a super whore, but I was stupid and didn't care. She wasn't that bad looking. Anyway, one Saturday her mom lets me come over to stay the night (no daddy in this chick's life) and we get a campfire going in the evening. She invites some of her other dirty whore friends over that live across the street and we all get high and drunk. By the end of the night we end up in her room, she planned it so her mom would be asleep by the time we banged. However, since she's a super whore her mom knew it was coming and decided to check on us while I'm balls deep in her cunt. Makes me get out of her room but doesn't kick me out, just makes me sleep on the living room couch. One of her whore friends didn't make it home and wakes up to me getting comfy on the couch, and immediately gives me this look like, "let's fucking do this". I hit that shit till the sun came up and emptied my balls until nothing came out. Thank God for whores, I'll never forget that night.
---
Here's my ender. So a long time ago, I was working at a smoothie place in the mall and had to walk out in front of the cash registers to stock chips and snacks. This dirty mall slut that I always saw walking around is talking to some dude at the Verizon stand right by me and I look over to see her giving me the eye. I didn't really engage, but I hear her ask for a pen and paper and she ends up walking over and shoving her number down my pocket and walking away. Picked her up that night from her run down apartment and brought her back to my place, only to discover she smells like a carton of cigarettes and a moldy basement. *This was just the warning smell* She ends up reading me quotes from this stupid book for an hour while I'm just waiting for her to shut up and get to fuckin' me.
When it finally happens and we're both naked with me slipping the condom on, she warns me that she's a squirter. I'm fucking PUMPED at this point and start pounding the shit out of her till she starts soaking me and my bed with squirt. Normally, this would be a dream come true for any man, but not this time. I immediately start smelling the most vile disgusting shit that's ever entered my nose. I literally had to jump off her and take a time out. She starts asking what's wrong and I wanted to be like, "bitch you have a sewage swamp inside your cunt" but of course I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't remember how I played that one off, but with all the power invested in my now scared and flaccid penis, I somehow managed to get hard and fight through it until I blew my load. Needless to say, I pretty much drove her home immediately and never talked to her again.
I got home and life sucked pretty fucking bad, and it never should after you just got laid. My entire bed was ruined, not just the blanket and sheets, the squirt had soaked through onto my mattress and it took the whole next day to do the laundry and scrub the pussy swamp out of my mattress.
It's technically an involuntary piss mixed with female ejaculate. I've been with one other squirter and it didn't smell like anything. Some ho's are just nasty.
I don't have anything too crazy compared to these other ones on here especially after reading the ladyboy story. I just got done regaining air supply from laughing so fucking hard.You disgust me.
---
A good 2-3 times of a shit covered dick from anal with this cougar, who I still bang. She refuses to use enemas and sometimes shit happens, it comes with the territory. I quickly had to grab 3 sheets of Kleenex, and wrap it around my schlong while I ran downstairs naked and immediately began scrubbing the shit out of it with soap and a washcloth in the tub. I went through like three different washcloths to make sure there was no trace and when I got home took a full shower and scrubbed it again.
---
This one's not really awkward but just a once in a lifetime experience. Back in high school I was dating this chick who was known by pretty much everyone as a super whore, but I was stupid and didn't care. She wasn't that bad looking. Anyway, one Saturday her mom lets me come over to stay the night (no daddy in this chick's life) and we get a campfire going in the evening. She invites some of her other dirty whore friends over that live across the street and we all get high and drunk. By the end of the night we end up in her room, she planned it so her mom would be asleep by the time we banged. However, since she's a super whore her mom knew it was coming and decided to check on us while I'm balls deep in her cunt. Makes me get out of her room but doesn't kick me out, just makes me sleep on the living room couch. One of her whore friends didn't make it home and wakes up to me getting comfy on the couch, and immediately gives me this look like, "let's fucking do this". I hit that shit till the sun came up and emptied my balls until nothing came out. Thank God for whores, I'll never forget that night.
---
Here's my ender. So a long time ago, I was working at a smoothie place in the mall and had to walk out in front of the cash registers to stock chips and snacks. This dirty mall slut that I always saw walking around is talking to some dude at the Verizon stand right by me and I look over to see her giving me the eye. I didn't really engage, but I hear her ask for a pen and paper and she ends up walking over and shoving her number down my pocket and walking away. Picked her up that night from her run down apartment and brought her back to my place, only to discover she smells like a carton of cigarettes and a moldy basement. *This was just the warning smell* She ends up reading me quotes from this stupid book for an hour while I'm just waiting for her to shut up and get to fuckin' me.
When it finally happens and we're both naked with me slipping the condom on, she warns me that she's a squirter. I'm fucking PUMPED at this point and start pounding the shit out of her till she starts soaking me and my bed with squirt. Normally, this would be a dream come true for any man, but not this time. I immediately start smelling the most vile disgusting shit that's ever entered my nose. I literally had to jump off her and take a time out. She starts asking what's wrong and I wanted to be like, "bitch you have a sewage swamp inside your cunt" but of course I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't remember how I played that one off, but with all the power invested in my now scared and flaccid penis, I somehow managed to get hard and fight through it until I blew my load. Needless to say, I pretty much drove her home immediately and never talked to her again.
I got home and life sucked pretty fucking bad, and it never should after you just got laid. My entire bed was ruined, not just the blanket and sheets, the squirt had soaked through onto my mattress and it took the whole next day to do the laundry and scrub the pussy swamp out of my mattress.
you forgot to bold the part where he got peed onNah I just got tired of bolding stuff.
Not sure if I have shared this story already, I apologize if I have.Asian level: Asian
I have this girlfriend and we both are very intimate. My roommate's and I rent a 3 room college home. They rarely come out of their rooms and all they do is play COD or FIFA and use headsets that make it impossible for them to hear anything outside. So, we usually get loud and no one cares.
This one time we were at foreplay when I hear giggling outside. We stop and all the blood is nowhere near my brain. I try to listen to the voices and think it's just one of our friends that will visit every once in a while. I am completely sure and we resume. After an intense session I completely forgot they were there. As I go out looking for water and to get rid of the condom I step out to awkwardly make eye contact with 3 girls my roommate had over to help with math homework. One of them nudges the other and says "told you there was squeaking". I grabbed a water bottle and ran back to hide in shame.
2 of them proceeded to come over and stay as late as possible a few times.
yea, u can tell he is a really bad person through and through.You disgust me.Expand QuoteI don't have anything too crazy compared to these other ones on here especially after reading the ladyboy story. I just got done regaining air supply from laughing so fucking hard.
---
A good 2-3 times of a shit covered dick from anal with this cougar, who I still bang. She refuses to use enemas and sometimes shit happens, it comes with the territory. I quickly had to grab 3 sheets of Kleenex, and wrap it around my schlong while I ran downstairs naked and immediately began scrubbing the shit out of it with soap and a washcloth in the tub. I went through like three different washcloths to make sure there was no trace and when I got home took a full shower and scrubbed it again.
---
This one's not really awkward but just a once in a lifetime experience. Back in high school I was dating this chick who was known by pretty much everyone as a super whore, but I was stupid and didn't care. She wasn't that bad looking. Anyway, one Saturday her mom lets me come over to stay the night (no daddy in this chick's life) and we get a campfire going in the evening. She invites some of her other dirty whore friends over that live across the street and we all get high and drunk. By the end of the night we end up in her room, she planned it so her mom would be asleep by the time we banged. However, since she's a super whore her mom knew it was coming and decided to check on us while I'm balls deep in her cunt. Makes me get out of her room but doesn't kick me out, just makes me sleep on the living room couch. One of her whore friends didn't make it home and wakes up to me getting comfy on the couch, and immediately gives me this look like, "let's fucking do this". I hit that shit till the sun came up and emptied my balls until nothing came out. Thank God for whores, I'll never forget that night.
---
Here's my ender. So a long time ago, I was working at a smoothie place in the mall and had to walk out in front of the cash registers to stock chips and snacks. This dirty mall slut that I always saw walking around is talking to some dude at the Verizon stand right by me and I look over to see her giving me the eye. I didn't really engage, but I hear her ask for a pen and paper and she ends up walking over and shoving her number down my pocket and walking away. Picked her up that night from her run down apartment and brought her back to my place, only to discover she smells like a carton of cigarettes and a moldy basement. *This was just the warning smell* She ends up reading me quotes from this stupid book for an hour while I'm just waiting for her to shut up and get to fuckin' me.
When it finally happens and we're both naked with me slipping the condom on, she warns me that she's a squirter. I'm fucking PUMPED at this point and start pounding the shit out of her till she starts soaking me and my bed with squirt. Normally, this would be a dream come true for any man, but not this time. I immediately start smelling the most vile disgusting shit that's ever entered my nose. I literally had to jump off her and take a time out. She starts asking what's wrong and I wanted to be like, "bitch you have a sewage swamp inside your cunt" but of course I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't remember how I played that one off, but with all the power invested in my now scared and flaccid penis, I somehow managed to get hard and fight through it until I blew my load. Needless to say, I pretty much drove her home immediately and never talked to her again.
I got home and life sucked pretty fucking bad, and it never should after you just got laid. My entire bed was ruined, not just the blanket and sheets, the squirt had soaked through onto my mattress and it took the whole next day to do the laundry and scrub the pussy swamp out of my mattress.[close]
Expand QuoteNot sure if I have shared this story already, I apologize if I have.
I have this girlfriend and we both are very intimate. My roommate's and I rent a 3 room college home. They rarely come out of their rooms and all they do is play COD or FIFA and use headsets that make it impossible for them to hear anything outside. So, we usually get loud and no one cares.
This one time we were at foreplay when I hear giggling outside. We stop and all the blood is nowhere near my brain. I try to listen to the voices and think it's just one of our friends that will visit every once in a while. I am completely sure and we resume. After an intense session I completely forgot they were there. As I go out looking for water and to get rid of the condom I step out to awkwardly make eye contact with 3 girls my roommate had over to help with math homework. One of them nudges the other and says "told you there was squeaking". I grabbed a water bottle and ran back to hide in shame.
2 of them proceeded to come over and stay as late as possible a few times.[close]
Why the fuck were you embarrassed? I would have made eye contact and a confident smile to go with it. They stayed late because they wanted in on the action.
Asian level: Asian
amirite
yea, u can tell he is a really bad person through and through.Expand QuoteYou disgust me.Expand QuoteI don't have anything too crazy compared to these other ones on here especially after reading the ladyboy story. I just got done regaining air supply from laughing so fucking hard.
---
A good 2-3 times of a shit covered dick from anal with this cougar, who I still bang. She refuses to use enemas and sometimes shit happens, it comes with the territory. I quickly had to grab 3 sheets of Kleenex, and wrap it around my schlong while I ran downstairs naked and immediately began scrubbing the shit out of it with soap and a washcloth in the tub. I went through like three different washcloths to make sure there was no trace and when I got home took a full shower and scrubbed it again.
---
This one's not really awkward but just a once in a lifetime experience. Back in high school I was dating this chick who was known by pretty much everyone as a super whore, but I was stupid and didn't care. She wasn't that bad looking. Anyway, one Saturday her mom lets me come over to stay the night (no daddy in this chick's life) and we get a campfire going in the evening. She invites some of her other dirty whore friends over that live across the street and we all get high and drunk. By the end of the night we end up in her room, she planned it so her mom would be asleep by the time we banged. However, since she's a super whore her mom knew it was coming and decided to check on us while I'm balls deep in her cunt. Makes me get out of her room but doesn't kick me out, just makes me sleep on the living room couch. One of her whore friends didn't make it home and wakes up to me getting comfy on the couch, and immediately gives me this look like, "let's fucking do this". I hit that shit till the sun came up and emptied my balls until nothing came out. Thank God for whores, I'll never forget that night.
---
Here's my ender. So a long time ago, I was working at a smoothie place in the mall and had to walk out in front of the cash registers to stock chips and snacks. This dirty mall slut that I always saw walking around is talking to some dude at the Verizon stand right by me and I look over to see her giving me the eye. I didn't really engage, but I hear her ask for a pen and paper and she ends up walking over and shoving her number down my pocket and walking away. Picked her up that night from her run down apartment and brought her back to my place, only to discover she smells like a carton of cigarettes and a moldy basement. *This was just the warning smell* She ends up reading me quotes from this stupid book for an hour while I'm just waiting for her to shut up and get to fuckin' me.
When it finally happens and we're both naked with me slipping the condom on, she warns me that she's a squirter. I'm fucking PUMPED at this point and start pounding the shit out of her till she starts soaking me and my bed with squirt. Normally, this would be a dream come true for any man, but not this time. I immediately start smelling the most vile disgusting shit that's ever entered my nose. I literally had to jump off her and take a time out. She starts asking what's wrong and I wanted to be like, "bitch you have a sewage swamp inside your cunt" but of course I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't remember how I played that one off, but with all the power invested in my now scared and flaccid penis, I somehow managed to get hard and fight through it until I blew my load. Needless to say, I pretty much drove her home immediately and never talked to her again.
I got home and life sucked pretty fucking bad, and it never should after you just got laid. My entire bed was ruined, not just the blanket and sheets, the squirt had soaked through onto my mattress and it took the whole next day to do the laundry and scrub the pussy swamp out of my mattress.[close][close]
The effort to sanitize language of potentially offensive words or phrases is misguided and doomed to failure. It misunderstands the nature of language. Absolutely pathetic how men keep perpetuating the double standard of feminism. Keep living in your fantasy land...
Who are you to decide if a woman is a whore? Just because a woman enjoys having sex doesn't make her a bad person. And if she is a whore, then what does that make you?
This one's not really awkward but just a once in a lifetime experience. Back in high school I was dating this chick who was known by pretty much everyone as a super Prostitute , but I was stupid and didn't care. She wasn't that bad looking. Anyway, one Saturday her mom lets me come over to stay the night (no daddy in this chick's life) and we get a campfire going in the evening. She invites some of her other dirty Prostitute friends over that live across the street and we all get high and drunk. By the end of the night we end up in her room, she planned it so her mom would be asleep by the time we banged. However, since she's a super Prostitute her mom knew it was coming and decided to check on us while I'm balls deep in her cunt. Makes me get out of her room but doesn't kick me out, just makes me sleep on the living room couch. One of her Prostitute friends didn't make it home and wakes up to me getting comfy on the couch, and immediately gives me this look like, "let's fucking do this". I hit that shit till the sun came up and emptied my balls until nothing came out. Thank God for Prostitutes, I'll never forget that night.
Fuckin whiny bitches
change the word whore to woman and he is still a piece of shit, dont get caught up on terms
Now lets get back to whores, trannies, fags, and straight sex. Or whatever else you can throw in there.(http://56.media.tumblr.com/3448344f5f425e934b43af89c7f191c5/tumblr_nrwojbNW1U1uowbreo1_400.jpg)
(http://56.media.tumblr.com/3448344f5f425e934b43af89c7f191c5/tumblr_nrwojbNW1U1uowbreo1_400.jpg)Expand QuoteNow lets get back to whores, trannies, fags, and straight sex. Or whatever else you can throw in there.[close]
Neither of you understand what the word "whore" actually means. Hope your wife enjoys being called a whore in a public forum Old Man Pathetic. Just so you know it a little different to whisper it in her ear as you both suffer as the French say "the little death" than it is to tell the world your beloved takes cock for money you insufferable fuckwit.Expand QuoteThe effort to sanitize language of potentially offensive words or phrases is misguided and doomed to failure. It misunderstands the nature of language. Absolutely pathetic how men keep perpetuating the double standard of feminism. Keep living in your fantasy land...[close]
👍👍👍
Neither of you understand what the word "whore" actually means. Hope your wife enjoys being called a whore in a public forum Old Man Pathetic. Just so you know it a little different to whisper it in her ear as you both suffer as the French say "the little death" than it is to tell the world your beloved takes cock for money you insufferable fuckwit.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThe effort to sanitize language of potentially offensive words or phrases is misguided and doomed to failure. It misunderstands the nature of language. Absolutely pathetic how men keep perpetuating the double standard of feminism. Keep living in your fantasy land...[close]
👍👍👍[close]
Old Man Pathetic is your new name, deal with it. Get back on topic about and talk about how good your life will be when I locate your wife and tell her you've been calling her a whore to the internet you moron.Expand QuoteNeither of you understand what the word "whore" actually means. Hope your wife enjoys being called a whore in a public forum Old Man Pathetic. Just so you know it a little different to whisper it in her ear as you both suffer as the French say "the little death" than it is to tell the world your beloved takes cock for money you insufferable fuckwit.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThe effort to sanitize language of potentially offensive words or phrases is misguided and doomed to failure. It misunderstands the nature of language. Absolutely pathetic how men keep perpetuating the double standard of feminism. Keep living in your fantasy land...[close]
👍👍👍[close][close]
Fuck off and get back on topic.
Old Man Pathetic is your new name, deal with it. Get back on topic about and talk about how good your life will be when I locate your wife and tell her you've been calling her a whore to the internet you moron.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteNeither of you understand what the word "whore" actually means. Hope your wife enjoys being called a whore in a public forum Old Man Pathetic. Just so you know it a little different to whisper it in her ear as you both suffer as the French say "the little death" than it is to tell the world your beloved takes cock for money you insufferable fuckwit.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThe effort to sanitize language of potentially offensive words or phrases is misguided and doomed to failure. It misunderstands the nature of language. Absolutely pathetic how men keep perpetuating the double standard of feminism. Keep living in your fantasy land...[close]
👍👍👍[close][close]
Fuck off and get back on topic.[close]
whorePffft! Hilarious, you do realise my name isn't actually SodaJark and your pathetic attempts to insult me and my mother only serve to illustrate what shit wastes of life you both are. PM me any time you come to London and we'll see how that works out you raging dick wads. Tatty bye idiots.
/hor/
noun derogatory
1. SodaJerk's great grandmother, grandmother, mother, and sister.
SodaJerk's dad: "You're the son of some whore I don't even remember!"
u guys are doing a really good job of defending yourselves
Pffft! Hilarious, you do realise my name isn't actually SodaJark and your pathetic attempts to insult me and my mother only serve to illustrate what shit wastes of life you both are. PM me any time you come to London and we'll see how t2hat works out you raging� dick wads. Tatty bye idiots.Expand Quotewhore
/hor/
noun derogatory
� � 1. SodaJerk's great grandmother, grandmother, mother, and sister.
� � � � � � � SodaJerk's dad: "You're the son of some whore I don't even remember!"
�[close]
WHOARED!
That's great, Xtal calls your wife and mother of your children a whore and you defend him, I call out people calling a sexually liberated woman a whore and it's me you take affront to. Good luck in real life you supreme idiot. You guys should organise a gangbang with each other where you can call each other dirty words and laugh it of afterwards as "just good clean fun", giving your wife time to collect her worldly belongings as well as your children and leave your mark ass for good. Have fun paying child support.* Insert witty insult here. *Expand QuotePffft! Hilarious, you do realise my name isn't actually SodaJark and your pathetic attempts to insult me and my mother only serve to illustrate what shit wastes of life you both are. PM me any time you come to London and we'll see how t2hat works out you raging� dick wads. Tatty bye idiots.Expand Quotewhore
/hor/
noun derogatory
� � 1. SodaJerk's great grandmother, grandmother, mother, and sister.
� � � � � � � SodaJerk's dad: "You're the son of some whore I don't even remember!"
�[close][close]
I like your double standard. It hurts my feelings you called me a dickwad on an internet forum lol.
Again, I never called anyone a whore.
Xtal did.
I merely stated that people get too offended over simple shit.
Case and point.
Du är besta SK.A.T.A.N. This guy gets it.Expand QuoteWHOARED![close]
Xtal be like:
IGNWOARED!
That's great, Xtal calls your wife and mother of your children a whore and you defend him, I call out people calling a sexually liberated woman a whore and it's me you take affront to. Good luck in real life you supreme idiot. You guys should organise a gangbang with each other where you can call each other dirty words and laugh it of afterwards as "just good clean fun", giving your wife time to collect her worldly belongings as well as your children and leave your mark ass for good. Have fun paying child support.* Insert witty insult here. *Expand QuoteExpand QuotePffft! Hilarious, you do realise my name isn't actually SodaJark and your pathetic attempts to insult me and my mother only serve to illustrate what shit wastes of life you both are. PM me any time you come to London and we'll see how t2hat works out you raging� dick wads. Tatty bye idiots.Expand Quotewhore
/hor/
noun derogatory
� � 1. SodaJerk's great grandmother, grandmother, mother, and sister.
� � � � � � � SodaJerk's dad: "You're the son of some whore I don't even remember!"
�[close][close]
I like your double standard. It hurts my feelings you called me a dickwad on an internet forum lol.
Again, I never called anyone a whore.
Xtal did.
I merely stated that people get too offended over simple shit.
Case and point.[close]
u guys are doing a really good job of defending yourselves, clearly I was mistaken when I called you a piece of shit
Ban.you do realise my name isn't actually SodaJarkExpand Quote[close]
You already live in your own utopian society so kindly fuck of from ours and die slowly and painfully.Expand Quoteu guys are doing a really good job of defending yourselves, clearly I was mistaken when I called you a piece of shit[close]
I was also mistaken when I thought you might be a man. So, since you're a female I wouldn't want to upset you any more than I have already. You're so right though, I really need to change my vocabulary to meet the standards of your utopian society.
I agree, ban me.Ban.Expand Quoteyou do realise my name isn't actually SodaJarkExpand Quote[close][close]
^ I bet you wear "Tap Out" shirts
^ I bet you wear "Tap Out" shirts
Expand Quote^ I bet you wear "Tap Out" shirts[close]
(http://i.imgur.com/dYCNUiBm.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/Ei2hZM1m.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/VYz80Qzm.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/NnFLe2om.jpg)
Those shirts are definitely as douchey and lame as Tapout. I'd probably rock the Beaver Valley one though...
And no, they're not funny. Unless you're a fucking frat boy, or spend all of your time on tinder.Expand QuoteThose shirts are definitely as douchey and lame as Tapout. I'd probably rock the Beaver Valley one though...[close]
No they are corny and funny. Tap out is basically hiding your homosexual feelings towards your best friend
And no, they're not funny. Unless you're a fucking frat boy, or spend all of your time on tinder.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThose shirts are definitely as douchey and lame as Tapout. I'd probably rock the Beaver Valley one though...[close]
No they are corny and funny. Tap out is basically hiding your homosexual feelings towards your best friend[close]
Somebody made fun of GAY for having AIDS on this board recently( which is fucked right up)
And I dont recall him even getting upset on here(I could be wrong)
You all need to be more GAY, and quit being offended by things so easily, and arent even in you life outside of slap
Expand QuoteSomebody made fun of GAY for having AIDS on this board recently( which is fucked right up)
And I dont recall him even getting upset on here(I could be wrong)
You all need to be more GAY, and quit being offended by things so easily, and arent even in you life outside of slap[close]
Gay may have been hurt but choose to take the high road. Lately SLAP is a cesspool. I mean there's always been flippant comments but they used to at least have a pittance of wit. Anyways, after Rusty died this place seems like such a joke to me. Most everyone was so quick to shoot him down when he obviously had uncontrollable mental issues, but acted like his best friend after he took his own life. ::)
Pointless time sink.
I enjoyed some of his posts. Others were disturbing.
But I wish no harm to anybody just speaking freely on a forum.
Its shitty rusty passed. Never cool too see a fellow skater pass on
This is as edgy as it gets where he's from.The Streets is your comeback? Hmm, not sure your getting the hang of this. He's not from London you know, he's not trying to be edgy either. Self deprecation is seen as a good thing here and helps keep ghastly frat boy attitudes like yours from forming. The Streets it would seem understands how to treat a woman and isn't afraid to let his sensitive side show. He doesn't feel the need to list his sexual conquests on Slap and laden this post with multiple derogatory references to "whores", "super whores, or "dirty mall sluts" whom which have had the disfortune to accommodate you "balls deep in their cunts". You sound so tough and edgy when you talk like that. On the internet you're like a little Clint Eastwood wrapped in a ball of Steve McQueen manliness aren't you my little slugger. I hope your mother reads this and grounds you you twerp. No going outside to ear bash the local kids about your Ace trucks for at least a week. Post a clip, post a fit, do something of note on here or join a mens rights or body building forum you blight on humanity. Dry your eyes mate, I know it's got to hurt but her mind has been made up. (Fuck did you see what I did there?)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Qg3rQfeZv4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Qg3rQfeZv4#)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSe95yskUoI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSe95yskUoI#)
The Streets is your comeback? Hmm, not sure your getting the hang of this. He's not from London you know, he's not trying to be edgy either. Self deprecation is seen as a good thing here and helps keep ghastly frat boy attitudes like yours from forming. The Streets it would seem understands how to treat a woman and isn't afraid to let his sensitive side show. He doesn't feel the need to list his sexual conquests on Slap and laden this post with multiple derogatory references to "whores", "super whores, or "dirty mall sluts" whom which have had the disfortune to accommodate you "balls deep in their cunts". You sound so tough and edgy when you talk like that. On the internet you're like a little Clint Eastwood wrapped in a ball of Steve McQueen manliness aren't you my little slugger. I hope your mother reads this and grounds you you twerp. No going outside to ear bash the local kids about your Ace trucks for at least a week. Post a clip, post a fit, do something of note on here or join a mens rights or body building forum you blight on humanity. Dry your eyes mate, I know it's got to hurt but her mind has been made up. (Fuck did you see what I did there?)Expand QuoteThis is as edgy as it gets where he's from.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Qg3rQfeZv4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Qg3rQfeZv4#)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSe95yskUoI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSe95yskUoI#)[close]
Also, oldmanP'thetic, I respect people's right to type what they want on here as well as my right to point out how terrible it makes them seem in my eyes.
Oh man, I love women. All types. Especially whores.
Oh man, I love women. All types. Especially whores.(http://i.imgur.com/z3VR6W2.jpg)
Oh man, I love women. All types. EspeciallywhoresPROSTITUTES.
My hero:Does he ride Ace trucks, wear skater owned shoes and fuck prostitutes? This is important.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kvms4sP7CLk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kvms4sP7CLk#)
You know you're probably right that you didn't call your own wife a whore on this message board so good for you fella, pat yourself on the back. You did however make it plainly obvious that you support degrading women by using defamatory terms to describe them. Keep up the good work, you're doing great.Expand QuoteThe effort to sanitize language of potentially offensive words or phrases is misguided and doomed to failure. It misunderstands the nature of language. Absolutely pathetic how men keep perpetuating the double standard of feminism. Keep living in your fantasy land...[close]
👍👍👍
SodaJark, which woman's pants are you trying to get into? Minty, ice, or Alan's? Me fink you're doing an awful lot of White Knighting mate and coming awf pritt-ee desperate.I know right, you on the other hand look so butch. Focus your account and make a new one with a username that suits your manly butchness, something like ButchWhoreFuckerBigDickLegendEpic69, or IGNWHORED, whatever pumps up your ego. Do you even lift brah? Nice working with you champ.
The effort to sanitize language of potentially offensive words or phrases is misguided and doomed to failure. It misunderstands the nature of language. Absolutely pathetic how men keep perpetuating the double standard of feminism. Keep living in your fantasy land...
you`re an idiot.
Women reminiscing about sex with men, using dirty talk, or touching them in a sexual manner (with or without permission) privately or publicly - accepted, rewarded, seen as a confidence booster for men.I feel you brah, it's so hard being male middle classed and white. The burden on your shoulders is intense. Broads, black people, gays, transgendered people all have it so easy without all that expectation weighing on their backs. So you didn't answer my question, do you even lift?
Men reminiscing about sex with women, talking dirty, or touching them in a sexual manner (with permission) privately or publicly - seen as disrespectful, men are labeled as perverts or pigs, could be charged with a crime at any time if she decides to yell the four-letter word.
If you deny that this is true, you are not only completely full of shit, you should probably cut off your dick and balls and start calling yourself Caitlyn.
If you don't get how much women are sexually fucked with from a young age and many even in childhood, and why that means you should treat them more sensitively in matters like that, you are incredibly out of touch. I hope you are trolling with all this shit.*Do you even lift bro? Your shit is fucked up and you talk like a fag. * Xtal talk.
Women reminiscing about sex with men, using dirty talk, or touching them in a sexual manner (with or without permission) privately or publicly - accepted, rewarded, seen as a confidence booster for men.
Men reminiscing about sex with women, talking dirty, or touching them in a sexual manner (with permission) privately or publicly - seen as disrespectful, men are labeled as perverts or pigs, could be charged with a crime at any time if she decides to yell the four-letter word.
If you deny that this is true, you are not only completely full of shit, you should probably cut off your dick and balls and start calling yourself Caitlyn.
I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.
oh man, the funniest part is that he is thinking about SLAP while this whole thing is playing outExpand QuoteI was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.[close]
I'm starting to get kinda bored with this thread. Hopefully my last post will end the whiny bitchfest initiated by JarkyJark and bring everyone back to reality. Sadly, many of you ladies will keep posting emotionally driven responses about how much you fight for a social cause that you so believe you are actually a part of. When in reality you are accomplishing nothing other than looking like a person.Do you even fucking LIFT?
Expand QuoteI was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.[close]
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Was like talking to any other guy or girl. I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Like a nursing home, I think. Not rotten, almost like mildew. And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. He goes and I walk him back to the car. People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Face and all, looks good! And I'm so fucking confused! So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. We're watching a movie. We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Then four. I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.
So he takes off. I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.[close][close]
I would honestly be surprised if anyone anywhere could ever top this story. I want to highlight my fav parts but the whole thing is a masterpiece
Last night I was fucking this chick in the ass and noticed a dark spot on my dick. I pulled out and said " um there's something weird on my dick". She held my penis in her hand and started inspecting it. She said "oh, that's nothing" and flicked the poop chunk off with her finger, sending it sailing into the darkness untill I heard it thud against a wall. She then put my cock in her mouth and started working away. Less then a minute later she stopped and pulled something out of her mouth. It was another poop chunk that was hiding on the bottom side of my dick. She casually tossed it to the floor and started sucking again. I was repulsed but tried to close my eyes and think of something to keep my boner alive. No good. All I could think about was shit and slowly my erection lost it's life. She asked what was wrong. I said I was just tired and the meds I'm on sometimes make it hard to maintain a boner for a long peroid of time. She seemed okay with the excuse. When I got up she tried to kiss me but I quickly backed away. She asked what my problem was and I said I felt sick and hurried to the bathroom. When I was in there I started making fake vomitting noises and kept flushing the toilet while I scrubbed my dick and balls. Anal sex seems like a great idea in theory, but the few times I've had poo penis make me never want to attempt it again.
Last night I was fucking this chick in the ass and noticed a dark spot on my dick. I pulled out and said " um there's something weird on my dick". She held my penis in her hand and started inspecting it. She said "oh, that's nothing" and flicked the poop chunk off with her finger, sending it sailing into the darkness untill I heard it thud against a wall. She then put my cock in her mouth and started working away. Less then a minute later she stopped and pulled something out of her mouth. It was another poop chunk that was hiding on the bottom side of my dick. She casually tossed it to the floor and started sucking again. I was repulsed but tried to close my eyes and think of something to keep my boner alive. No good. All I could think about was shit and slowly my erection lost it's life. She asked what was wrong. I said I was just tired and the meds I'm on sometimes make it hard to maintain a boner for a long peroid of time. She seemed okay with the excuse. When I got up she tried to kiss me but I quickly backed away. She asked what my problem was and I said I felt sick and hurried to the bathroom. When I was in there I started making fake vomitting noises and kept flushing the toilet while I scrubbed my dick and balls. Anal sex seems like a great idea in theory, but the few times I've had poo penis make me never want to attempt it again.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. Â I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? Â He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. Â Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. Â He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. Â So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later. Â
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. Â He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. Â I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. Â I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". Â So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together. Â
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. Â He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. Â Was like talking to any other guy or girl. Â I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. Â Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything. Â
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. Â I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. Â Like a nursing home, I think. Â Not rotten, almost like mildew. Â And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. Â Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. Â I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" Â But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. Â With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. Â So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants. Â
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. Â He goes and I walk him back to the car. Â People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." Â Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. Â We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." Â So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. Â And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." Â He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! Â Face and all, looks good! Â And I'm so fucking confused! Â So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. Â This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. Â We're watching a movie. Â We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. Â Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. Â I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. Â I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. Â He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it. Â
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Â I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? Â So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. Â Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. Â I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. Â I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. Â I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. Â Then four. Â I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. Â And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. Â I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." Â And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? Â I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. Â Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. Â He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. Â He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. Â So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. Â So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." Â And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). Â He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. Â He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go. Â
So he takes off. Â I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. Â It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. Â Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. Â Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.[close][close]
I would honestly be surprised if anyone anywhere could ever top this story. I want to highlight my fav parts but the whole thing is a masterpieceÂ[close]
Holy shit. How did I miss this? Amazing.
Expand QuoteLast night I was fucking this chick in the ass and noticed a dark spot on my dick. I pulled out and said " um there's something weird on my dick". She held my penis in her hand and started inspecting it. She said "oh, that's nothing" and flicked the poop chunk off with her finger, sending it sailing into the darkness untill I heard it thud against a wall. She then put my cock in her mouth and started working away. Less then a minute later she stopped and pulled something out of her mouth. It was another poop chunk that was hiding on the bottom side of my dick. She casually tossed it to the floor and started sucking again. I was repulsed but tried to close my eyes and think of something to keep my boner alive. No good. All I could think about was shit and slowly my erection lost it's life. She asked what was wrong. I said I was just tired and the meds I'm on sometimes make it hard to maintain a boner for a long peroid of time. She seemed okay with the excuse. When I got up she tried to kiss me but I quickly backed away. She asked what my problem was and I said I felt sick and hurried to the bathroom. When I was in there I started making fake vomitting noises and kept flushing the toilet while I scrubbed my dick and balls. Anal sex seems like a great idea in theory, but the few times I've had poo penis make me never want to attempt it again.[close]
I lived with this girl for a while back in college. She was great, sex was great, bla bla bla. I was super into anal back then, and she was way into it too. It was awesome at the time, I didn't really mind the 'poo poo penis'. But one night she encouraged me to blow my load in her ass, and who would say no to that? So I blew my load, and after a minute she ran to the bathroom, which was right next door to my room. I could hear her basically pissing out of her ass in the room next to me. I could hear her squirting out the lube, jizz, and poop straight into the toilet. You know that sound of filling a toilet with your liquid shit? It totally sounded like that.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. � I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? � He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. � Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. � He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. � So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later. �
He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. � He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. � I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. � I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". � So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together. �
So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. � He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. � Was like talking to any other guy or girl. � I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. � Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything. �
Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. � I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. � Like a nursing home, I think. � Not rotten, almost like mildew. � And it is so strong.
Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. � Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. � I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" � But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. � With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. � So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants. �
He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. � He goes and I walk him back to the car. � People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." � Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.
I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. � We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." � So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. � And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." � He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! � Face and all, looks good! � And I'm so fucking confused! � So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."
So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. � This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. � We're watching a movie. � We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. � Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. � I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. � I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. � He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it. �
I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. � I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? � So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. � Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. � I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. � I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. � I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. � Then four. � I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. � And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. � I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." � And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? � I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. � Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. � He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. � He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. � So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. � So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." � And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). � He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. � He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go. �
So he takes off. � I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. � It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. � Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. � Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.[close][close]
I would honestly be surprised if anyone anywhere could ever top this story. I want to highlight my fav parts but the whole thing is a masterpiece�[close]
Holy shit. How did I miss this? Amazing.[close]
I remember this post like it was yesterday. Classic SLAP.
I remember how vivid an image it painted in my head and of course giggling at the thought of the dude thinking about SLAP in the midst of all this. It's a masterpiece indeed and one of the most genuine from the heart posts I've ever read on here, regardless of the graphic content.
Always douche before anal.
Do you spit or swallow?
Today i went out with my girl and we usually fuck in the car after going to the bar or something. I went to our usual hidden places to fuck and no one was empty... Cars doing the same thing, or something happening close to it. So we went to the final option, that is usually always the one that is never available (there's always someones there fucking too), and it was empty, no car in it. So I park the car, middle of nowere, bushes all around, almost pitch black. I go out and pee, hear some noises, but they seemed really far, and like some animal (could be a fox or something). Then my girl goes out to pee too and tells me the same, that heard some noise, but it seemed like a animal. I was a little suspicious, but we started making out and forgotten about it. We started fucking and when he were about to change positions we hear the noises again. I told her to dress on, she jumps to the seat and we stop there, starring at the bushes and we see some cigarette flame in it. we freeze and stay looking, after like 5 mins about 6 youngsters jump out of the bushes at pass like right in front of the car and go away. So we started panicking thinking they filmed us. I tried on her Iphone right there if they could see anything but it was straight black, i tried the flash but with it would reflect in the frontwindow and they couldnt see anything more than the car number (the windows were a little wet too). I left my girl home and tried to simulate the action on my garage (it was as dark too). So without flash, they couldnt see shit, with flash they could see the car, and there's some chance about the inside, but the flashlight would be so strong that it would reflect on the window shield. there's no chance they could use the flash without we noticing it. Well, not that interesting story, I'm not worried about them seeing my dick or her ass... I'm just hoping that if by any chance they caught us on film, it doesnt goes to facebook or something. :'(
God damn kids. Should always have towels or sheets to cover the windows, even though it's obvious from the outside.
Me and one of my exes used to get it on in the car on a few streets near her place late at night. One time I parked near a bus stop (even though the buses don't run that late anyway), and we were started to get undressed and shit. I believe she was giving me head, when I saw blue lights flashing behind my car. Panic mode, I told my girl to stop and we were freaking out. Pulled up my pants and gave her her shirt to put back on. Cop came next to the window and asked me to roll it down (which was kinda hard because we were in the back seat), and asked if she was my girlfriend. I said yes, and he asked her if she was my girlfriend, which she responded with yes. He then told us to get out of there, and left. We went home that night. But we came back the next couple of days to do our thing anyway.
Expand Quote
God damn kids. Should always have towels or sheets to cover the windows, even though it's obvious from the outside.
Me and one of my exes used to get it on in the car on a few streets near her place late at night. One time I parked near a bus stop (even though the buses don't run that late anyway), and we were started to get undressed and shit. I believe she was giving me head, when I saw blue lights flashing behind my car. Panic mode, I told my girl to stop and we were freaking out. Pulled up my pants and gave her her shirt to put back on. Cop came next to the window and asked me to roll it down (which was kinda hard because we were in the back seat), and asked if she was my girlfriend. I said yes, and he asked her if she was my girlfriend, which she responded with yes. He then told us to get out of there, and left. We went home that night. But we came back the next couple of days to do our thing anyway.[close]
It was a really hidden place, didnt thought that somebody could be there. But nothing happened in the past days so I think we are safe! ;)
A friend of mine had a similar situation with the cops but they didnt done anything, just asked them to leave.
she warmed up her butthole too before she came over because it had that elasticity to it and naturally looked broken in which is perfect.
i put an ad on cl looking for matures and grannies specifically and one replied. she was almost 50yrs old. she didnt live far and after a couple days of chatting and swapping face pics she came over and turned out to be hot as fuck not fat at all. we went up to my room and i started eating her pussy and it didnt smell bad at all. she told me to start fingering her ass and she mustve used an enema cause it was super clean didnt stink either. she warmed up her butthole too before she came over because it had that elasticity to it and naturally looked broken in which is perfect. but while i was down there burying my face in her cunt i couldnt stop thinking about how now i probably have herpes for life and its gonna be all over my face. made me really nervous which then made my dick super soft like shrunken into little baby dick size i was so embarrassed. after a lil bit i got hard and put on a condom but then got soft again really quick and i took it off and then tried to shove it in raw but it didnt work. she sucked me off and didnt like the condom taste so she stopped. we talked for a bit and i kept saying how sorry i was and she was cool about it. i wish i could do it all over again or have a second chance cause i wouldnt be nervous and i would seriously tear her ass up she was so fine.Whose man is this
Wait, you took your cousin's v-card ???my girlfriend's cousin, my bad. No Kevin Gates here.
Are you Kevin Gates?
How you even got that far with her stop and go, back and forth attitude was a feat itself. A true warrior.
So, my marriage is basically sexless at this point although once every few months (usually when I am super tired or just wanked twice or have a cold, etc.) my wife signals she is down for some action.dr shark tits here. my best hypothesis is it's lack of practice. ie when you're doing it alot you become inured to the feeling, i don't wanna say it becomes 'whatever' but when it's rare you're more excited and therefor more 'hair trigger'.
She's usually not into a lot of foreplay and just wants to get to business. Most of the time I bust a nut in under a minute. It bums me out and I imagine doesn't do much to enhance my standing. I didn't have such a problem with staying power in my 20s or early 30s or when I'm having a wank either. It's weird. Don't know if it's nerves or technique or what.
So, my marriage is basically sexless at this point although once every few months (usually when I am super tired or just wanked twice or have a cold, etc.) my wife signals she is down for some action.Dude that fucking sucks. Do you speak to your wife about why you're not having sex? I have times where my wife and I go a few weeks without sex and it twists my brain. I work a lot and don't get much time to myself so I can't even really knock one out so I go stir crazy but I've found that text flirting or straight up saying "Where doing it tonight/tomorrow " or whatever triggers her into thinking about it and then we get down. Since working this out my text flirting game is getting strong.
She's usually not into a lot of foreplay and just wants to get to business. Most of the time I bust a nut in under a minute. It bums me out and I imagine doesn't do much to enhance my standing. I didn't have such a problem with staying power in my 20s or early 30s or when I'm having a wank either. It's weird. Don't know if it's nerves or technique or what.
^ was her name annie?
Expand Quote^ was her name annie?[close]
no ..please tell me you know of another busted face dreadlocked girl who 'takes advantage' of drunk dudes.
dr shark tits here. my best hypothesis is it's lack of practice. ie when you're doing it alot you become inured to the feeling, i don't wanna say it becomes 'whatever' but when it's rare you're more excited and therefor more 'hair trigger'.Expand QuoteSo, my marriage is basically sexless at this point although once every few months (usually when I am super tired or just wanked twice or have a cold, etc.) my wife signals she is down for some action.
She's usually not into a lot of foreplay and just wants to get to business. Most of the time I bust a nut in under a minute. It bums me out and I imagine doesn't do much to enhance my standing. I didn't have such a problem with staying power in my 20s or early 30s or when I'm having a wank either. It's weird. Don't know if it's nerves or technique or what.[close]
i had a friend on maui that's originally from little rhody [providence] and she visited me a few yrs ago. her ex and our mutual friend had taken his life and we hung out together a bunch so one time we started making out and i swear this never happened before/since but i straight busted in my pants like a diurnal emission then had to stay into it to play it off so she didn't think 'wow this jamoke just busted from some tongue kissing'.
but yeah, totally a result of lack of female energy.
Expand QuoteExpand Quote^ was her name annie?[close]
no ..please tell me you know of another busted face dreadlocked girl who 'takes advantage' of drunk dudes.[close]
same exact thing happened to me on annies blue futon .. annie didnt wear deodorant and also introduced me to some really great weed .. she claimed to know the guy that invented the strain headband .. she looked and sounded like janis joplin
for reals, my dick's bigger when i pull it outta some pussy vs when i'm pulling on it.Expand Quotedr shark tits here. my best hypothesis is it's lack of practice. ie when you're doing it alot you become inured to the feeling, i don't wanna say it becomes 'whatever' but when it's rare you're more excited and therefor more 'hair trigger'.Expand QuoteSo, my marriage is basically sexless at this point although once every few months (usually when I am super tired or just wanked twice or have a cold, etc.) my wife signals she is down for some action.
She's usually not into a lot of foreplay and just wants to get to business. Most of the time I bust a nut in under a minute. It bums me out and I imagine doesn't do much to enhance my standing. I didn't have such a problem with staying power in my 20s or early 30s or when I'm having a wank either. It's weird. Don't know if it's nerves or technique or what.[close]
i had a friend on maui that's originally from little rhody [providence] and she visited me a few yrs ago. her ex and our mutual friend had taken his life and we hung out together a bunch so one time we started making out and i swear this never happened before/since but i straight busted in my pants like a diurnal emission then had to stay into it to play it off so she didn't think 'wow this jamoke just busted from some tongue kissing'.
but yeah, totally a result of lack of female energy.[close]
I completely believe this is a thing.
So, I basically produce zero precum. I can get an erection or have a half a wank watching tv, quit, and nothing's gonna happen. If I make out with girl and get like a 30 second boner and then walk away I'll dribble some seminal fluids in my pants without fail.
Why? Gotta be that female energy...
are you me? sounds deadly familiar,
unfortunately. which show was it at?
So lately the only action I have gotten was through random tinder hookups. I finally met a girl who I was into and we ended up hooking up, for some reason I got nervous and couldn't finish. Next night we fucked again and I came in 5 minutes, I felt so embarrassed but for some reason she is still into me.
So lately the only action I have gotten was through random tinder hookups. I finally met a girl who I was into and we ended up hooking up, for some reason I got nervous and couldn't finish. Next night we fucked again and I came in 5 minutes, I felt so embarrassed but for some reason she is still into me.
Quote from: Nate link=topic=42479.msg2620166#msg2620166 date=1489573692Expand QuoteSo lately the only action I have gotten was through random tinder hookups. I finally met a girl who I was into and we ended up hooking up, for some reason I got nervous and couldn't finish. Next night we fucked again and I came in 5 minutes, I felt so embarrassed but for some reason she is still into me.[close]
five minutes is respectable, especially if you translate it into a pump count.
example: 1 pump per second = 60 pumps per minute. (+- 7.5 pumps)
Multiplied times 5 = 300 pumps on average. 262.5 pumps at the least and 337.5 pumps on the high end.
Expand QuoteQuote from: Nate link=topic=42479.msg2620166#msg2620166 date=1489573692Expand QuoteSo lately the only action I have gotten was through random tinder hookups. I finally met a girl who I was into and we ended up hooking up, for some reason I got nervous and couldn't finish. Next night we fucked again and I came in 5 minutes, I felt so embarrassed but for some reason she is still into me.[close]
five minutes is respectable, especially if you translate it into a pump count.
example: 1 pump per second = 60 pumps per minute. (+- 7.5 pumps)
Multiplied times 5 = 300 pumps on average. 262.5 pumps at the least and 337.5 pumps on the high end.[close]
say you extend those pumps out to 2, maybe even four seconds. We're talking 10-20 minutes. Now you're cooking with gas!
Turtle's necks look like dicks, and turtles are also slow.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteQuote from: Nate link=topic=42479.msg2620166#msg2620166 date=1489573692Expand QuoteSo lately the only action I have gotten was through random tinder hookups. I finally met a girl who I was into and we ended up hooking up, for some reason I got nervous and couldn't finish. Next night we fucked again and I came in 5 minutes, I felt so embarrassed but for some reason she is still into me.[close]
five minutes is respectable, especially if you translate it into a pump count.
example: 1 pump per second = 60 pumps per minute. (+- 7.5 pumps)
Multiplied times 5 = 300 pumps on average. 262.5 pumps at the least and 337.5 pumps on the high end.[close]
say you extend those pumps out to 2, maybe even four seconds. We're talking 10-20 minutes. Now you're cooking with gas![close]
turtle pumps
Turtle's necks look like dicks, and turtles are also slow.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteQuote from: Nate link=topic=42479.msg2620166#msg2620166 date=1489573692Expand QuoteSo lately the only action I have gotten was through random tinder hookups. I finally met a girl who I was into and we ended up hooking up, for some reason I got nervous and couldn't finish. Next night we fucked again and I came in 5 minutes, I felt so embarrassed but for some reason she is still into me.[close]
five minutes is respectable, especially if you translate it into a pump count.
example: 1 pump per second = 60 pumps per minute. (+- 7.5 pumps)
Multiplied times 5 = 300 pumps on average. 262.5 pumps at the least and 337.5 pumps on the high end.[close]
say you extend those pumps out to 2, maybe even four seconds. We're talking 10-20 minutes. Now you're cooking with gas![close]
turtle pumps[close]
It like God was trying to give us a hint...
I was taking a bath and my friend whos a girl came by and was sitting in the bathroom with me. Shes my friend and I don't want to fuck her at all. She starts rubbing my body and I start to get a chubbo and she keeps going till she gets down to my dick and she's like, "you can finish yourself off cause I'm not going too." I was pissed she said that cause I would have stopped her if she started with that anyway. (shes married and has bad breath occasionally, less then half the time tho but still)i see you've met my wife
-you see? I'm a good guy.i see you've met my wifeExpand QuoteI was taking a bath and my friend whos a girl came by and was sitting in the bathroom with me. Shes my friend and I don't want to fuck her at all. She starts rubbing my body and I start to get a chubbo and she keeps going till she gets down to my dick and she's like, "you can finish yourself off cause I'm not going too." I was pissed she said that cause I would have stopped her if she started with that anyway. (shes married and has bad breath occasionally, less then half the time tho but still)[close]
I'm a 31 year old virgin, and that's awkward.
I'm a 31 year old virgin, and that's awkward.
My son Vince born April 18th, 2015. Best thing that ever happened to me.
(http://www.teamjimmyjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Bad-Tattoos-baby-portrait.jpg)
Bars? -I don't know if thats the best place but maybe.Expand QuoteI'm a 31 year old virgin, and that's awkward.[close]
Maybe spend more time at bars and less time at spermbanks?Expand QuoteMy son Vince born April 18th, 2015. Best thing that ever happened to me.
(http://www.teamjimmyjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Bad-Tattoos-baby-portrait.jpg)[close]
I was taking a bath and my friend whos a girl came by and was sitting in the bathroom with me. Shes my friend and I don't want to fuck her at all. She starts rubbing my body and I start to get a chubbo and she keeps going till she gets down to my dick and she's like, "you can finish yourself off cause I'm not going too." I was pissed she said that cause I would have stopped her if she started with that anyway. (shes married and has bad breath occasionally, less then half the time tho but still)
I was taking a bath and my friend whos a girl came by and was sitting in the bathroom with me. Shes my friend and I don't want to fuck her at all. She starts rubbing my body and I start to get a chubbo and she keeps going till she gets down to my dick and she's like, "you can finish yourself off cause I'm not going too." I was pissed she said that cause I would have stopped her if she started with that anyway. (shes married and has bad breath occasionally, less then half the time tho but still)
Expand QuoteI was taking a bath and my friend whos a girl came by and was sitting in the bathroom with me. Shes my friend and I don't want to fuck her at all. She starts rubbing my body and I start to get a chubbo and she keeps going till she gets down to my dick and she's like, "you can finish yourself off cause I'm not going too." I was pissed she said that cause I would have stopped her if she started with that anyway. (shes married and has bad breath occasionally, less then half the time tho but still)[close]
shoulda pulled a louis ck and jerked off in front of her. sounds like she was asking for it
a few weeks ago my wife paused mid blowjob to remind me that we needed to put tooth fairy money under our kids pillow. not that awkward, but it made me laugh.
Expand Quotea few weeks ago my wife paused mid blowjob to remind me that we needed to put tooth fairy money under our kids pillow. not that awkward, but it made me laugh.[close]
You are a boss if you can get money/tooth swap done without them waking up. So stressful. A beeg should be the reward for successfully pulling that off.
Expand QuoteExpand Quotea few weeks ago my wife paused mid blowjob to remind me that we needed to put tooth fairy money under our kids pillow. not that awkward, but it made me laugh.[close]
You are a boss if you can get money/tooth swap done without them waking up. So stressful. A beeg should be the reward for successfully pulling that off.[close]
He's the heaviest sleeper I've ever seen so it's never a problem.
Speaking of him being a heavy sleeper, he's another awkward story thats more of a confession (this already sounds fucked). We were spending a weekend at this indoor waterpark resort place and he had fallen asleep on his bed while my wife and I stayed up and drank a few beers we bought from the brewery down the street. The beers we a lot heavier than we thought and we ended up getting pretty drunk. One thing lead to another and we fucked for probably an hour, hitting probably every position we've ever tried, with the lights on and our kid sleeping in a bed 3 feet away. I feel super fucked up admitting it, but it was highlight reel sex. We just started going and couldn't stop. He never woke up once though.
Expand QuoteExpand Quotea few weeks ago my wife paused mid blowjob to remind me that we needed to put tooth fairy money under our kids pillow. not that awkward, but it made me laugh.[close]
You are a boss if you can get money/tooth swap done without them waking up. So stressful. A beeg should be the reward for successfully pulling that off.[close]
He's the heaviest sleeper I've ever seen so it's never a problem.
Speaking of him being a heavy sleeper, he's another awkward story thats more of a confession (this already sounds fucked). We were spending a weekend at this indoor waterpark resort place and he had fallen asleep on his bed while my wife and I stayed up and drank a few beers we bought from the brewery down the street. The beers we a lot heavier than we thought and we ended up getting pretty drunk. One thing lead to another and we fucked for probably an hour, hitting probably every position we've ever tried, with the lights on and our kid sleeping in a bed 3 feet away. I feel super fucked up admitting it, but it was highlight reel sex. We just started going and couldn't stop. He never woke up once though.
There is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.
There is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.
There is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.Thats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.
I was raised in a teepee. I watched Mom and Dad run through positions every night. You get used to it.
Expand QuoteI was raised in a teepee. I watched Mom and Dad run through positions every night. You get used to it.[close]
Your mother is a squaw.
this! co-sleeping has been around longer than beds have.Thats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close]
(http://cmzone.vzbqbxhynotw9ion96xv.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/punch-to-nose.jpg)Thats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close]
dr shark tits here. my best hypothesis is it's lack of practice. ie when you're doing it alot you become inured to the feeling, i don't wanna say it becomes 'whatever' but when it's rare you're more excited and therefor more 'hair trigger'.Expand QuoteSo, my marriage is basically sexless at this point although once every few months (usually when I am super tired or just wanked twice or have a cold, etc.) my wife signals she is down for some action.
She's usually not into a lot of foreplay and just wants to get to business. Most of the time I bust a nut in under a minute. It bums me out and I imagine doesn't do much to enhance my standing. I didn't have such a problem with staying power in my 20s or early 30s or when I'm having a wank either. It's weird. Don't know if it's nerves or technique or what.[close]
i had a friend on maui that's originally from little rhody [providence] and she visited me a few yrs ago. her ex and our mutual friend had taken his life and we hung out together a bunch so one time we started making out and i swear this never happened before/since but i straight busted in my pants like a diurnal emission then had to stay into it to play it off so she didn't think 'wow this jamoke just busted from some tongue kissing'.
but yeah, totally a result of lack of female energy.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteSo, my marriage is basically sexless at this point although once every few months (usually when I am super tired or just wanked twice or have a cold, etc.) my wife signals she is down for some action.
She's usually not into a lot of foreplay and just wants to get to business. Most of the time I bust a nut in under a minute. It bums me out and I imagine doesn't do much to enhance my standing. I didn't have such a problem with staying power in my 20s or early 30s or when I'm having a wank either. It's weird. Don't know if it's nerves or technique or what.[close]
dr shark tits here. my best hypothesis is it's lack of practice. ie when you're doing it alot you become inured to the feeling, i don't wanna say it becomes 'whatever' but when it's rare you're more excited and therefor more 'hair trigger'.
i had a friend on maui that's originally from little rhody [providence] and she visited me a few yrs ago. her ex and our mutual friend had taken his life and we hung out together a bunch so one time we started making out and i swear this never happened before/since but i straight busted in my pants like a diurnal emission then had to stay into it to play it off so she didn't think 'wow this jamoke just busted from some tongue kissing'.
but yeah, totally a result of lack of female energy.[close]
This reminds of me one time when I used my ex's mom's computer to print some shit out and there was a folder full of her nudes open on the screen. I swear I barely fucking glimpsed at one of the many thumbnails before I instantly came in my pants. This woman is straight fucking suburban American MILF, blonde with a flawless tanned body.
They're in my Dropbox if I ever become a pal.
Thats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close]
Expand QuoteThats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close][close]
Yeah great logic lets fuck next to children when we have houses with separate rooms just because people did it in teepees. Hotel room...go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the exhaust fan on and be quiet about it if you really have to. Or just wait till you go home and children aren't present in the same room. Fuckin stupid weirdos.
Expand QuoteThats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close][close]
Yeah great logic lets fuck next to children when we have houses with separate rooms just because people did it in teepees. Hotel room...go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the exhaust fan on and be quiet about it if you really have to. Or just wait till you go home and children aren't present in the same room. Fuckin stupid weirdos.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close][close]
Yeah great logic lets fuck next to children when we have houses with separate rooms just because people did it in teepees. Hotel room...go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the exhaust fan on and be quiet about it if you really have to. Or just wait till you go home and children aren't present in the same room. Fuckin stupid weirdos.[close]
The point is that it is in no way traumatic to babies, it's only traumatic to puritan cunt trump voting people like you. If you're such a non cuck, why you hanging around the 'awkward sex stories' section of a progressive friendly forum?
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteThats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close][close]
Yeah great logic lets fuck next to children when we have houses with separate rooms just because people did it in teepees. Hotel room...go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the exhaust fan on and be quiet about it if you really have to. Or just wait till you go home and children aren't present in the same room. Fuckin stupid weirdos.[close]
The point is that it is in no way traumatic to babies, it's only traumatic to puritan cunt trump voting people like you. If you're such a non cuck, why you hanging around the 'awkward sex stories' section of a progressive friendly forum?[close]
Lol, I'm mad.
Lads, unless you're going to post some awkward sexual stories for us to laugh about, shut up.Had a hotel party and my homie took his chick into an adjoining room to bang one out. Turns out she was on her period,because there was a god damn CSI scene in there. White sheets and red splatter and even a handprint on the pillow,I felt bad for housekeeping the next day.
One time when I was like 17 my high school girlfriend was over and she was on her period but we were still feeling freaky, so we agreed to try a bit of anal. Started to put the head in and she got freaked, flipped over and promptly... I don't know what the appropriate verb is, but she perioded a puddle of blood and shit on my sheets. The same girl wet the bed with me in it a couple of times, sober even. Good times.
Night Moves (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRFWQoXq4c)
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteThats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close][close]
Yeah great logic lets fuck next to children when we have houses with separate rooms just because people did it in teepees. Hotel room...go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the exhaust fan on and be quiet about it if you really have to. Or just wait till you go home and children aren't present in the same room. Fuckin stupid weirdos.[close]
The point is that it is in no way traumatic to babies, it's only traumatic to puritan cunt trump voting people like you. If you're such a non cuck, why you hanging around the 'awkward sex stories' section of a progressive friendly forum?[close]
Lol, I'm mad.[close]
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteThats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close][close]
Yeah great logic lets fuck next to children when we have houses with separate rooms just because people did it in teepees. Hotel room...go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the exhaust fan on and be quiet about it if you really have to. Or just wait till you go home and children aren't present in the same room. Fuckin stupid weirdos.[close]
The point is that it is in no way traumatic to babies, it's only traumatic to puritan cunt trump voting people like you. If you're such a non cuck, why you hanging around the 'awkward sex stories' section of a progressive friendly forum?[close]
Lol, I'm mad.[close][close]
Got your PM's, you still mad and wanna keep sending me more?
Nothing could top your pathetic story of you and your ex-whale.
Feel free to share them with the forum if you like mate, all I asked is if you actually wanted those shoes or not ... just being festive, no big deal.
You keep being mad tho yo!
says the guy who followed me into the classified section of all places. Projecting harder than you roid-raging there brahExpand QuoteFeel free to share them with the forum if you like mate, all I asked is if you actually wanted those shoes or not ... just being festive, no big deal.
You keep being mad tho yo![close]
Yet you knew I never wanted those shoes, therefore your PM's were sent as a pathetic attempt at annoying me because you've been mad ever since I called you out for being a person vegan cultist. And here you are again following me around...still mad.
says the guy who followed me into the classified section of all places. Projecting harder than you roid-raging there brahExpand QuoteExpand QuoteFeel free to share them with the forum if you like mate, all I asked is if you actually wanted those shoes or not ... just being festive, no big deal.
You keep being mad tho yo![close]
Yet you knew I never wanted those shoes, therefore your PM's were sent as a pathetic attempt at annoying me because you've been mad ever since I called you out for being a person vegan cultist. And here you are again following me around...still mad.[close]
Kids are stupid and you're a pussy.Expand QuoteThats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close][close]
Yeah great logic lets fuck next to children when we have houses with separate rooms just because people did it in teepees. Hotel room...go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the exhaust fan on and be quiet about it if you really have to. Or just wait till you go home and children aren't present in the same room. Fuckin stupid weirdos.
You wish just one person would follow your dumb ass anywhere...it's called browsing. StayI'm still madchad.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteThats how people fucked for hundreds of thousands of years. The majority of time humans were hunter gatherer. Life happens man, don't be a bitch.Expand QuoteThere is nothing cool about fucking three feet away from a child.[close][close]
Yeah great logic lets fuck next to children when we have houses with separate rooms just because people did it in teepees. Hotel room...go in the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the exhaust fan on and be quiet about it if you really have to. Or just wait till you go home and children aren't present in the same room. Fuckin stupid weirdos.[close]
The point is that it is in no way traumatic to babies, it's only traumatic to puritan cunt trump voting people like you. If you're such a non cuck, why you hanging around the 'awkward sex stories' section of a progressive friendly forum?[close]
Lol, you're mad. Only a fucking person would assume someone voted for Trump because they don't advocate having sex next to children. You're incredibly fucking stupid and possess no logic whatsoever.
i've woken up next to multiple people boning and i always run for it. i don't want anything sprayed on me.
Bravo
That was fucking beautiful.and in no way awkward at all. +1
made me google asian amateur nympho
well I'm glad I wasn't the one who had to post a story after excitableboy
that sounds pretty shitty Jeff, what's her living situation like? maybe you could change up venues?
So good things do happen? Good job e
You're my kind of guy, e'boy. I hope all goes well with your crush.
(20 year old story) I picked up an older women in the bar. I saw her dancing it up when I was walking by and I just took her by the hand and lead her out of the bar. I was taking her to my van with a kiss or two on the way to keep her warmed up. We get into the van and and this crazy girl I'm seeing comes out of the fucking storage container on top of the fucking van! She's all bitchy and I said to her, "come down from there and get in the van (it was raining). So she gets in the van and she's trying to start shit with the older women. Finally I said "fuck this, fuck you" got up and went over to my buddies van and slept in there. Both the chicks just slept it out til the morning.i missed the sex part
i missed the sex partExpand Quote(20 year old story) I picked up an older women in the bar. I saw her dancing it up when I was walking by and I just took her by the hand and lead her out of the bar. I was taking her to my van with a kiss or two on the way to keep her warmed up. We get into the van and and this crazy girl I'm seeing comes out of the fucking storage container on top of the fucking van! She's all bitchy and I said to her, "come down from there and get in the van (it was raining). So she gets in the van and she's trying to start shit with the older women. Finally I said "fuck this, fuck you" got up and went over to my buddies van and slept in there. Both the chicks just slept it out til the morning.[close]
So did I but kissing is 'sexual' so I feel I can get this story by on technical terms. Kinda weak mabye. Honestly my 'sex stories' are never about the act itself cause im pretty meat and potatoes when it comes to that ha.i missed the sex partExpand Quote(20 year old story) I picked up an older women in the bar. I saw her dancing it up when I was walking by and I just took her by the hand and lead her out of the bar. I was taking her to my van with a kiss or two on the way to keep her warmed up. We get into the van and and this crazy girl I'm seeing comes out of the fucking storage container on top of the fucking van! She's all bitchy and I said to her, "come down from there and get in the van (it was raining). So she gets in the van and she's trying to start shit with the older women. Finally I said "fuck this, fuck you" got up and went over to my buddies van and slept in there. Both the chicks just slept it out til the morning.[close]
ok so this weekend, my wife and i went on a much overdue date night. mother in law stayed with our eight week old and toddler . so my wife has some wine which is great for me cuz she always gets horny when she drinks . we finish dinner, get in the car and she immediately starts going down on me .. as we pull down into our neighborhood, she tells me pull over and fuck her in the car .. so she gets on me in the driver seat and i recline it all the way back.. she’s trying her best but it’s not going well and i tell her im gonna get on top. we’ve got two car seats in the back so we can’t get back there. . as im fucking her, my ass kept bumping into the horn and honking it.. so we’re getting spooked every time it honks and then just start cracking up.. so as im trying to concentrate on not honking the horn, i don’t realize that my foot is slamming down the accelerator and revving the engine..we start bursting out laughing and i tell her to turn around so i can fuck her doggy.. literally, as im pulling out to cum on her back, two people walk by and we’re all four staring at each other.. they keep waking and my wife is ducking her head with her ass sticking up in the air .. meanwhile im trying to clean up the mess.. it was by far the worst sex we’ve ever hadThat's so awesome,I had a similar experience with my wife by the beach in a 350z. Praise leather seats though!
we are also on the next door app waiting for our nosy neighbors to report us .. they probably thought we were a couple of horny high schoolers
That's so awesome,I had a similar experience with my wife by the beach in a 350z. Praise leather seats though!Expand Quoteok so this weekend, my wife and i went on a much overdue date night. mother in law stayed with our eight week old and toddler . so my wife has some wine which is great for me cuz she always gets horny when she drinks . we finish dinner, get in the car and she immediately starts going down on me .. as we pull down into our neighborhood, she tells me pull over and fuck her in the car .. so she gets on me in the driver seat and i recline it all the way back.. she’s trying her best but it’s not going well and i tell her im gonna get on top. we’ve got two car seats in the back so we can’t get back there. . as im fucking her, my ass kept bumping into the horn and honking it.. so we’re getting spooked every time it honks and then just start cracking up.. so as im trying to concentrate on not honking the horn, i don’t realize that my foot is slamming down the accelerator and revving the engine..we start bursting out laughing and i tell her to turn around so i can fuck her doggy.. literally, as im pulling out to cum on her back, two people walk by and we’re all four staring at each other.. they keep waking and my wife is ducking her head with her ass sticking up in the air .. meanwhile im trying to clean up the mess.. it was by far the worst sex we’ve ever had
we are also on the next door app waiting for our nosy neighbors to report us .. they probably thought we were a couple of horny high schoolers[close]
Cadillac back seats are great, I had an Explorer that was great position wise.Expand QuoteThat's so awesome,I had a similar experience with my wife by the beach in a 350z. Praise leather seats though!Expand Quoteok so this weekend, my wife and i went on a much overdue date night. mother in law stayed with our eight week old and toddler . so my wife has some wine which is great for me cuz she always gets horny when she drinks . we finish dinner, get in the car and she immediately starts going down on me .. as we pull down into our neighborhood, she tells me pull over and fuck her in the car .. so she gets on me in the driver seat and i recline it all the way back.. she’s trying her best but it’s not going well and i tell her im gonna get on top. we’ve got two car seats in the back so we can’t get back there. . as im fucking her, my ass kept bumping into the horn and honking it.. so we’re getting spooked every time it honks and then just start cracking up.. so as im trying to concentrate on not honking the horn, i don’t realize that my foot is slamming down the accelerator and revving the engine..we start bursting out laughing and i tell her to turn around so i can fuck her doggy.. literally, as im pulling out to cum on her back, two people walk by and we’re all four staring at each other.. they keep waking and my wife is ducking her head with her ass sticking up in the air .. meanwhile im trying to clean up the mess.. it was by far the worst sex we’ve ever had
we are also on the next door app waiting for our nosy neighbors to report us .. they probably thought we were a couple of horny high schoolers[close][close]
Leather seats are key. I had a kia rio with light tan cloth seats and we made a spot that I couldn't get out.
It's really hard to fuck in the car. I can't say I'm a huge fan.
My wife and I were watching tv in bed last night and started making out during a commercial and she farted a little fart. We both started laughing and then she let out these series of farts that sounded exactly like her asshole was laughing right along with us. It was pretty funny and we both laughed pretty hard. I didn't go down on her that night though.
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/rGcsR-Pm4Ms/hqdefault.jpg)Have a gnar!
We almost on page 69, boiz!!!when i got my first bj we were watching the brady bunch movie, and she stopped towards the end to say "please dont ejaculate in my mouth"
Was a she a sex ed teacher? Did you end up ejaculating in her mouth anyways?when i got my first bj we were watching the brady bunch movie, and she stopped towards the end to say "please dont ejaculate in my mouth"Expand QuoteWe almost on page 69, boiz!!![close]
i always thought it was awkward, first cause of the movie and 2nd cause who the hell says ejaculate in that type of situation?
Last night I dreamt I was on some sunny island in the Mediterranean or somewhere and Nora was there.Dammit, I was starting to get a softie.
We're hanging out and she's being her goofy self. At one point she starts doing all this dancing in a gold bikini with see-through panties. She has a nice bush on her. It kind of reminds me of old Hype Williams R&B videos.
Anyway fast forward and I'm back in the villa. I'm supposed to be training Nora to keep fit. I'm downstairs getting stuff ready and she wanders down in a bathrobe. We start goofing around dancing with her standing on my feet. Then she pulls me closer and kisses me. I'm thinking she has a boyfriend, but I'm also thinking about what's uder her robe...
Then my damn cat jumped on my back and woke me up.
Was a she a sex ed teacher? Did you end up ejaculating in her mouth anyways?Expand Quotewhen i got my first bj we were watching the brady bunch movie, and she stopped towards the end to say "please dont ejaculate in my mouth"Expand QuoteWe almost on page 69, boiz!!![close]
i always thought it was awkward, first cause of the movie and 2nd cause who the hell says ejaculate in that type of situation?[close]
so who else didnt nut the first timeI couldn't get hard the first time cause I was drunk, so I was just ramming my dong against her pussy, she sucked it good but I still couldn't grow all the way, just a thick ol softie. but then we went at it in the morning and I nutted with the quickness. No condom, living life on the edge. I didn't nut inside her though.
and then i got blowjobs from both girls to get it there.(https://media.giphy.com/media/jQ9wfxmUPmGMU/giphy.gif)
not me. nutted instantly.
i suppose its better than not nutting at all
wow get a load of these guys nutting instantly
well i suppose its better than not nutting at all
Yeah, chalk me up with the other non nutters, anyone else break the rubber though? i think it was one of those cheap restroom machine ones but shit ripped like 20 minutes in
I accidentally nutted all over my face bout a hour ago. First squirt blammed me in the eye, its still red and hurts.
For real,must be nice to have all that time to thrustExpand QuoteYeah, chalk me up with the other non nutters, anyone else break the rubber though? i think it was one of those cheap restroom machine ones but shit ripped like 20 minutes in[close]
whoa! get a load of mr. stamina over here.
For real,must be nice to have all that time to thrustExpand QuoteExpand QuoteYeah, chalk me up with the other non nutters, anyone else break the rubber though? i think it was one of those cheap restroom machine ones but shit ripped like 20 minutes in[close]
whoa! get a load of mr. stamina over here.[close]
Grade 8, I just turned 13, my friends parents were out of town and me and three friends were together, one girl came over to drink and smoke weed, two hours later I was taking her virginity while she jerked off two of my friends. I kicked my friends out of the room and asked her to be my girlfriend. I know how to pick them.
if were all being honest here, anyone else play stoneface with their homies before? we did once, it was fantastic.
Expand Quoteif were all being honest here, anyone else play stoneface with their homies before? we did once, it was fantastic.[close]
What do you mean?
Expand QuoteExpand Quoteif were all being honest here, anyone else play stoneface with their homies before? we did once, it was fantastic.[close]
What do you mean?[close]
When a group of guys sit around a table with a tablecloth so they can't see underneath. Some skank proceeds to blow one of the guys and the guys all have to guess who is getting blown by the look on their face.
Expand QuoteYeah, chalk me up with the other non nutters, anyone else break the rubber though? i think it was one of those cheap restroom machine ones but shit ripped like 20 minutes in[close]
whoa! get a load of mr. stamina over here.
Expand Quotewow get a load of these guys nutting instantly
well i suppose its better than not nutting at all
about not nutting that's happened to me before too but that had more to do with me figuring out my own limits. having sex three or four times a day sounds amazing when you're 17 but not so much when you're 30 and in a long-term relationship with the same girl for eight years (that's not to say I wouldn't do it, but it's physically harder and the excitement isn't as frenetic). the act itself can feel so amazing you don't always 'have to' nut.
the way I see it and this is just my opinion and i dont give a fuck I am the reigning champ of 2 pump chump get me a few beers and I am Ron Jeremy either way the ladies play so many games so its an equal trade off tease me for how many weeks and finally get me to hit it and i cum on your face or hands or on your butt well ?! its even funnier spermanning a gal def a keeper if she finds it funny sadly no one has found it humorous.[close]
Have to bump this thread because it's too good to dieLook if I could tell my past self something and give solemn advice I'd say this don't walk into a situation you can't handle with Fistina or Hand Solo, shoot one off before you meet up with gal taking your V-card. I was at a punk show in ATL, I had been hip to know I was decent looking but small towns never had anything of interesting tang if you will permit me to say in this instance you had to import your own gal as the pickens were quite slim. As I was saying I was at a show I brushed up aside this beautiful woman she gave me the eye of approval like hey I like you. As I am passing she gave me the look and pinched my ass I was smitten I was like no way!!! holy shit! i'm 18 and getting hit on by some decent trim, I am beside myself and finally brought a beer over and was studdering so bad but somehow she thought it was cute. So we get to talking and shoot the shit for awhile and we gets to fooling around, I'm about to get it as she's jerking me off I nut all on her hands. I am so embarrassed but thankfully she lets it known don't go into fooling around without letting one off beforehand as it keeps a good rhythm and stamina, Anyways we dated for awhile however she was 28 I was 18 and immature and knew I was under equipped to handle this gal, she was a exotic dancer also Persian/African American. Oh my god she was beautiful but damned if I didn't fuck it up with jealousy and being young. P.S. don't ever date or fool around with strippers unless you can handle drama..... boy did she have baggage to boot.
I don't have many great stories but I'll give it a shot. When I was 19 and sick of being a virgin I linked up with a girl I knew through mutual friends that would probably be down. Ended up getting sucked into an awkward relationship for a few months but got what I originally wanted so I guess it all worked out. First time I drove out to see her she kept going on about how she wanted to blow me and fuck me and all that. Needless to say I'm stoked but also beyond nervous having never actually done anything with a girl before. We pull my shitty car into a deserted parking lot to mess around because she still lives with very strict parents. She goes for it and whips out my dick and says "yep ,that's a dick" which I thought was pretty weird but whatever. She starts trying to go down on me but is clearly having not the best time, and I'm not even getting hard probably due to nervousness and her just not being that good at it. After a few more minutes I called it off and fingered her a little which was alright but I was bummed at the situation overall. The next visit though, we went to see a movie and she put my hand down her shirt and told me she wanted me to fuck her. We scampered out of the theater and to my car, and fucked in the back seat successfully (nice). Happened a few more times over the months but it became clear we both just wanted to mess around and had no real chemistry/things had gotten boring. Pretty sure she cheated on me towards the end so I was pretty sour about the whole thing but I'm glad I had the experience, I learned a good bit about myself and developed some self confidence.
SSBBW
switch stance big beautiful woman, i do believe.Expand QuoteSSBBW[close]
so, switch stance back buck woman?
Very close, SSBBW is super size BBW. It is like BBW who is almost ready to use the electric cart at Walmart, but not necessarily. Extra-extra thick, in other words.switch stance big beautiful woman, i do believe.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteSSBBW[close]
so, switch stance back buck woman?[close]
alright, I'll give you one. when I was in my early 20's I used to date this chick who was 19 and still lived at her mom's where she shared a room with her younger sister who was 17 at the time. we lived in different cities before she moved out eventually, so during that time period we'd have to visit each other back and forth to catch up, it was a 90 minute train ride so to keep things practical and worthwhile we'd usually spend at least one, maybe two (never six or twelve) nights in each other's company everytime. whenever she'd visit me there would be no problem but whenever I'd visit her, for some reason she was super paranoid about introducing me to her mom (I later understood why; her mom was quite the oddball), so I'd basically have to sneak inside my girl's shared bedroom through the window at night once the mom was asleep. bedroom was on the first floor and thankfully the girl's sister was an accomplice, so I'd climb and they'd both help me in. then I'd sleep in my girl's bed with the sister in another bed in the same room, and sorry but no this isn't going where we all wish it were; I did do things with my girl with the sister in the room a few times super quietly on the rare occasions we really couldn't resist (and I remember thinking that was pretty hot), but usually we'd wait till the morning after both the sister and the mom would have left the house. anyway, I really wasn't supposed to be there and every morning at 6, the girls' mom would literally bang the bedroom door open and shout their names to wake them up before class (pretty brutal, military style). so every morning I'd spend there, my girl would wake me up at 5:55 and then I knew I had to hide, most often underneath the covers would do but I also remember having to cram myself inside the cupboard a couple of times. we never got caught but had the closest call once. the sister left for class and my girl thought she'd fake being ill that day in order to get to stay in bed with me, except she forgot her mother wasn't working that day so she wasn't going to leave the house till 9 to go to the swimming pool which was her routine on her days off. so we stayed in bed till 9, as soon as her mother took off we had our fun and then I went to hit the shower. so I'm naked, get inside the shower, start washing my hair just thinking how ridiculous it would be if the mom chose to come back right then, just as I turn the water off to save water I hear keys in the front door; pause, then the front door; pause, then footsteps in the direction of the bathroom, only covered by the mom's voice shouting to my girl (who's supposedly still naked in her room too) that it's just her coming back to pick up her bag for the swimming pool that she forgot. I look up and sure enough, I can see her bag and towel in the same room I'm standing in, fully naked and although the bag is super close to the door - enough that the mom wouldn't have to actually enter the room to grab it - there is a massive mirror right next to it reflecting my entire, exposed lower body with, at the dead center of it, my dong, still elongated from the sex and hot shower, seam from the shampoo on it and everything to make for a perfect first impression to a girl's mother; a filmmaker couldn't have staged it better. just as I think I'm fucked, I hear my girl storm out of her room, towards the mom and somehow lure her into grabbing something from the kitchen first. I knew that was my move right there, so I ninja'd the fuck out of the bathroom, hair still full of shampoo and dragging my feet along the carpet praying I wouldn't leave marks, then the way their flat was set up, in order to make it back to the 'safe' zone the girl's bedroom was, I still needed to cross the living room at an angle, leaving me exposed for roughly ten feet with the kitchen door only partially closed (by my girl) in my back. now I'm a pretty clumsy individual, so I was stressed out to hit something or somehow generally fuck up the whole time, and even moreso that I was stressing out - the worst vicious cycle. but eventually I reached the door, hid in the bedroom, heard the mom come out of the kitchen, grab her bag then leave again mere seconds later; she never noticed shit. I'll never forget the feeling, it was an adrenaline rush topped off with a sense of accomplishment similar to winning the toughest skateboarding battle. then when my girl showed up to meet me in the room I realized she was fully dressed; I swear she must have thrown all her clothes on in a matter of seconds when she heard the keys in the door. then I proceeded to go, finish my shower and never forget about this.Holy shit! slick mate So I had a similar situation except I was working at a Hewlitt Packard plant in Huntsville I'm 20 she's 18 and her sister is 15. I am saving enough for a apartment or a plane ticket. I have to spend most days either working or just lurking at local skatepark fucking off till I could come over as her mum and dad were cool I could have stayed had I been honest just it was my girls deal and don't want to rock the boat of what I have going on. So one night we have the house to ourselves we do our thing get freaky all over and shit. This was around 8 or 9 at night. We hear the door being knocked on unbeknownst to us her family had some weird uncle Cuck type of character to stay over. I usually zoomed into her room whenever someone came over so I didn't get caught. She comes in fuck guess what?! I'm like fuck are you serious?! dudes moving in with her family and was crashing the couch. Yes he was creepy and yeah I got my swerve on a few more times, but the situation became more than a pain in the ass, thank god for meeting another soon to be ex girlfriend with a house and shit.
I just jacked off to a picture I had never seen before of my dead girlfriend on someone's porn blog.
Expand QuoteI just jacked off to a picture I had never seen before of my dead girlfriend on someone's porn blog.[close]
Post the pic
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI just jacked off to a picture I had never seen before of my dead girlfriend on someone's porn blog.[close]
Post the pic[close]
Good ol' SLAP.
I just jacked off to a picture I had never seen before of my dead girlfriend on someone's porn blog.pretty appropriate for your 666th post
you should read his other 666th post about the ladyboy, it'll knock your socks of!pretty appropriate for your 666th postExpand QuoteI just jacked off to a picture I had never seen before of my dead girlfriend on someone's porn blog.[close]
Just remembered my buddy poppin in what he thought was his porn mixtape to jack it to and it was smack dab in the middle of a sextape his mom made with her boyfriend.
Don't think he finished that day. He was bummed.
I'd feel strange jacking it to a dead ex more than a dead model/porn star mostly because you were physically with them before.
If youre into bbw,yeaaaaExpand QuoteJust remembered my buddy poppin in what he thought was his porn mixtape to jack it to and it was smack dab in the middle of a sextape his mom made with her boyfriend.
Don't think he finished that day. He was bummed.
I'd feel strange jacking it to a dead ex more than a dead model/porn star mostly because you were physically with them before.[close]
Was his mom hot?
If youre into bbw,yeaaaaExpand QuoteExpand QuoteJust remembered my buddy poppin in what he thought was his porn mixtape to jack it to and it was smack dab in the middle of a sextape his mom made with her boyfriend.
Don't think he finished that day. He was bummed.
I'd feel strange jacking it to a dead ex more than a dead model/porn star mostly because you were physically with them before.[close]
Was his mom hot?[close]
Ooof! Yea she isn't on that level,nice lady though.Expand QuoteIf youre into bbw,yeaaaaExpand QuoteExpand QuoteJust remembered my buddy poppin in what he thought was his porn mixtape to jack it to and it was smack dab in the middle of a sextape his mom made with her boyfriend.
Don't think he finished that day. He was bummed.
I'd feel strange jacking it to a dead ex more than a dead model/porn star mostly because you were physically with them before.[close]
Was his mom hot?[close][close]
BBWs are alright. Not sure about the SSBBWs though.
Ah yeah, so a bunch of friends were gonna film some skating so my friend pops in a tape to see what's on it to see if we can record over it. Its his parents wedding, goes on for about 10 seconds then cuts to him standing completely naked jerking off in front of the camera, saying things like "you want this dick".
Immediately turns it off and starts flipping out screaming from embarrassment while his brother his yelling at him for recording over his parents wedding with jack off footage. It was pretty awesome.
Expand QuoteAh yeah, so a bunch of friends were gonna film some skating so my friend pops in a tape to see what's on it to see if we can record over it. Its his parents wedding, goes on for about 10 seconds then cuts to him standing completely naked jerking off in front of the camera, saying things like "you want this dick".
Immediately turns it off and starts flipping out screaming from embarrassment while his brother his yelling at him for recording over his parents wedding with jack off footage. It was pretty awesome.[close]
sounds pretty awesome like you said! did you watch it long enough to get to watch him cum? did you hook up with him later?
Just heard about this from a friend about something I did about 7 or so years ago.
Apparently, when I was dating this girl we had all been drinking. We were all seated on my couch, and she asked me if I wanted to fuck there in the room. I said no, but she insisted so she understands undid my pants, whipped my dick out and starting going away at it. I guess my friend just moved to the chair on the other side of the room and me and my girl go into the bedroom across the hall. She was apparently so loud that at the end he heard her say "CUM IN MY MOUTH" and then moments later she ran in the room, still naked, and spit the cum directly at him. From what he said he threw a glass at her and walked out, doesn't know how the rest of the night went.
It's weird hearing this so many years later and only having vague memories of the situation, but I was a heavy drinker back then so a lot of 2011 isn't full on clear. That girl ended up becoming a truck-stop prostitute for a year, which I guess suits her character.
If your into any of this just meet a cute Napa delivery driver they are willing to go the extra mile to make sure you're satisfied. I call her a napahoe.
Your crusty ass be payin that..
first of all, im black. i meet this really nice white girl, we hang out and end up back at her place, things are getting hot and we end up fucking. while we are fucking, she starts moaning, "fuck me, n**ger", i didnt know if i should be offended or keep pounding this girl. we never seen each other again after that, i think it was awkward for both of us.
got fist bumped after giving head
Hooked up with a homeless chick outside of a bar once.
God I’m so fucking lucky I didn’t get an STD from that.
She didn’t really mention she was homeless until we had been making out already.
Here's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:
My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.
Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.
The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!
Apparently I had misheard the night before.
Expand QuoteHere's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:
My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.
Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.
The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!
Apparently I had misheard the night before.[close]
If he lost his gum while going down on her, how did it end up in her hair?
Expand QuoteHooked up with a homeless chick outside of a bar once.
God I’m so fucking lucky I didn’t get an STD from that.
She didn’t really mention she was homeless until we had been making out already.[close]
Did you raw her or something? Also homeless as in sleeping in her car or out on the streets kinda homeless?
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteHere's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:
My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.
Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.
The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!
Apparently I had misheard the night before.[close]
If he lost his gum while going down on her, how did it end up in her hair?[close]
not that hair
Well I had a condon but we didn’t end up having sex, she gave me a few condomless sucks, I was pretty faded on booze and Xanax so I couldn’t get a proper boner which is why we didn’t have sex.Expand QuoteHooked up with a homeless chick outside of a bar once.
God I’m so fucking lucky I didn’t get an STD from that.
She didn’t really mention she was homeless until we had been making out already.[close]
Did you raw her or something? Also homeless as in sleeping in her car or out on the streets kinda homeless?
When I got home I soaked my junk in a cup full of listerine to try to kill any potential germs.
Reading this story was an incredible journey. I can't imagine what living it was like, 10/10Well I had a condon but we didn’t end up having sex, she gave me a few condomless sucks, I was pretty faded on booze and Xanax so I couldn’t get a proper boner which is why we didn’t have sex.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteHooked up with a homeless chick outside of a bar once.
God I’m so fucking lucky I didn’t get an STD from that.
She didn’t really mention she was homeless until we had been making out already.[close]
Did you raw her or something? Also homeless as in sleeping in her car or out on the streets kinda homeless?[close]
Made out and touched for a long time.
Like sleeping in the streets homeless.
I went outside of the bar to smoke a cig, she commented on my bright eyes shirt and asked if I had weed to smoke. we went to my car to smoke and ended up starting to make out etc.
At some point she said she was homeless and I saw she had a goofy walk and was thin but maybe had like scoliosis.
She also mentioned she had recently had a baby but “the doctor sewed her up real good”
God damn this is the most regrettable shit in my life lol.
Xanax makes you do the worst shit.
So my friend was in the bar doing karaoke and also wasted like me, I go Back in The bar once me and the girl stopped trying to bang, she mentions “they said I’m not allowed to go in there”
I go to get my friend and I’m trying to explain that we need to gtfo because she thinks she’s coming home with me so she can have a place to sleep.
It was so hard to get him out of that bar( he couldn’t really comprehend the situation) but we ran out eventually the car fast and she tried to run and get in the car but I locked the doors, my friend tossed out her bag at her and we split and last thing I hear is he had whiskey dick I’ll do both of you
Also another gross af quote
oh you have a condom, corpus guys never like to wear condoms
She did look cute in my wasted state.
I drove home of course I absolutely should not have been driving in my condition.
When I got home I soaked my junk in a cup full of listerine to try to kill any potential germs.
I haven’t revisited this story in my mind for like 8 years.
I didn't know listerine was good to kill STD germs...If you’re starting to get a sore throat, gargling listerine ever couple hours can actually prevent it from escalating to more of a sore throat.
Oh! I was also a virgin at this point.
That hints at to how late I lost my virginity since this was a bar in the US.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHere's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:
My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.
Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.
The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!
Apparently I had misheard the night before.[close]
If he lost his gum while going down on her, how did it end up in her hair?[close]
not that hair[close]
Kids these days have never met a girl who doesn't wax?
See I just thought he had gone up to kiss her and her body/neck and dropped it in her head at while caught up in the moment.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHere's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:
My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.
Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.
The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!
Apparently I had misheard the night before.[close]
If he lost his gum while going down on her, how did it end up in her hair?[close]
not that hair[close]
Kids these days have never met a girl who doesn't wax?[close]
Just an embarrassing lapse in cohesion, the context is glaringly obvious now. My only defense is that I've never experienced anyone refer to their pubes as "their hair"; that's been typically reserved for the noggin.
How you gonna chew gum and eat pussy at the same time?See I just thought he had gone up to kiss her and her body/neck and dropped it in her head at while caught up in the moment.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHere's an awkward experience I heard through my thin ass walls in college:
My neighbor was this short, angry hockey player type who was kind of a dick.
Anyway, I'm working on homework and I hear him getting on with a girl, she's moaning, etc. when all the sudden I hear her scream, "What the fuck?!? You got cum in my hair!"
"I'm sorry it was an accident!"
"It's everywhere! I can't get it out!"
More arguing ensues. I have a little chuckle.
The next day I hear Hockey Guy on the phone:
"So I'm going down on her and all of the sudden I realize my gum has fallen out of my mouth and I can't find it. She was so fucking pissed, bro!
Apparently I had misheard the night before.[close]
If he lost his gum while going down on her, how did it end up in her hair?[close]
not that hair[close]
Kids these days have never met a girl who doesn't wax?[close]
Just an embarrassing lapse in cohesion, the context is glaringly obvious now. My only defense is that I've never experienced anyone refer to their pubes as "their hair"; that's been typically reserved for the noggin.[close]
I too didn’t think he meant pubes lol.
I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.If you sticka banana up your butt, the potassium can prevent cramps.
I've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.
yeah, or more, just gang bananang your ass, dude, more effective potassium inseminationIf you sticka banana up your butt, the potassium can prevent cramps.Expand QuoteI've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.[close]
Hentai, Brazilian scat, pegging, female bodybuilders...Expand QuoteI've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.[close]
Wow ...you jack off to hentai...and got cramps whilst doing this...go to JAVidol.com. They have real Japanese hardcore and cosplay porn
Hentai, Brazilian scat, pegging, female bodybuilders...
Look, I could've been watching any of these things at the time. That is hardly the matter at hand. I take potassium supplements and I get cramps all the time. Sometimes when I masturbate.
Hentai, Brazilian scat, pegging, female bodybuilders...Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.[close]
Wow ...you jack off to hentai...and got cramps whilst doing this...go to JAVidol.com. They have real Japanese hardcore and cosplay porn[close]
Look, I could've been watching any of these things at the time. That is hardly the matter at hand. I take potassium supplements and I get cramps all the time. Sometimes when I masturbate.
Hentai, Brazilian scat, pegging, female bodybuilders...Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI've gotten gnarly cramps while masturbating multiple times. Being stuck in one painful position with cock in hand while hentai is playing is the definition of awkward sexual experience.[close]
Wow ...you jack off to hentai...and got cramps whilst doing this...go to JAVidol.com. They have real Japanese hardcore and cosplay porn[close]
Look, I could've been watching any of these things at the time. That is hardly the matter at hand. I take potassium supplements and I get cramps all the time. Sometimes when I masturbate.
my elderly mum whom I am estranged to just detailed a daunting and cringeworthy tale of doing coke bumps off my dad's dick. I was trying to be as nice as possible but she is hard of hearing so I spent most of the time making fun as I didn't want to hear a single sentence. sooooooo awkward.
l33tg33k if you ever want to find love you have to stop looking at porno. I'm serious it's really bad for some people.yeah, your genres/ searches don't really sound too healthy for a first timer either...
You guys mean to tell me the first thing I say to a woman shouldn't be a request for them to put on a fur suit and shit on my chest? That's dishonest. If that's type of world we live in, then I don't want to live in it at all.
You guys mean to tell me the first thing I say to a woman shouldn't be a request for them to put on a fur suit and shit on my chest? That's dishonest. If that's type of world we live in, then I don't want to live in it at all.
Expand Quotemy elderly mum whom I am estranged to just detailed a daunting and cringeworthy tale of doing coke bumps off my dad's dick. I was trying to be as nice as possible but she is hard of hearing so I spent most of the time making fun as I didn't want to hear a single sentence. sooooooo awkward.[close]
http://youtu.be/-P0r-aRilNQ
Mascot costumes are real expensive, are furry ones cheaper??
Expand QuoteExpand Quotemy elderly mum whom I am estranged to just detailed a daunting and cringeworthy tale of doing coke bumps off my dad's dick. I was trying to be as nice as possible but she is hard of hearing so I spent most of the time making fun as I didn't want to hear a single sentence. sooooooo awkward.[close]
http://youtu.be/-P0r-aRilNQ[close]I remember this episode and how weird is that? It is like dejvu am I right? sniiiiiiiifffffffffffffffffffff
Man, I remember when Dan Savage named that act Pegging. I'm just tripping on how language works but it's weird to remember a time when fucking ya boy up the butt with a strap-on was an act that had no name. I personally was always partial to B.O.B. (bend over boyfriend.)
^Also, there's no way that's real. Degradation is fully a kink but poop is like senior level activity. There would have to been at least an inclination that wifey like to be fucked up. I'm not calling BS on the fact that you saw it posted WH, just that it actually happened to the OP.
Came home shitfaced and walked in on my roommate buttfucking a real doll reverse cowgirl. Not sure if that counts but it was awkward. Everything looked real until I spotted the metal ankles.You ask him how much it cost? I'm willing to buy used if the price is right.
Came home shitfaced and walked in on my roommate buttfucking a real doll reverse cowgirl. Not sure if that counts but it was awkward. Everything looked real until I spotted the metal ankles.
You ask him how much it cost? I'm willing to buy used if the price is right.Expand QuoteCame home shitfaced and walked in on my roommate buttfucking a real doll reverse cowgirl. Not sure if that counts but it was awkward. Everything looked real until I spotted the metal ankles.[close]
from around November time up until February I was kinda seeing this girl on and off, was a bit of a weird situation given she'd just broke up with her ex and shit but w/e I don't know that fool. In January or so we went out on a lil wilderness explore being that were both into that (for backstory we'd already kissed and shit by this point and were aware we both had feelings) and yeah shit was alright just walking around exploring talking shit happy as larry. We somehow end up on some mtb trails and from there we find this weird abandoned cave/alcove thing with a tiny hole in a wall to enter and she's all "go inside" so I'm like alright fuck it. inside this mfer is pitch black, couldn't see a few ft infront of me. So we're dicking around in there and we start kissing, starts getting a bit rougher shes scratching the fuck outta my back while im biting her neck and all that shit, starts stroking my dick through my trousers and im harder than fucking stonehenge swear on god i was boutta nut just from that. one thing lead to another and she's basically stood there with her tits out so im sucking/biting em with her hand down my pants shit is lit. eventually she just whispers "get it out" so i whip the fuckin thing out and she starts stroking me. now bare in mind this is January in england it was about -1c and her hands were cold as shit and as soon as she touched my dick shit just fuckin flopped. imagine sticking your dick in a fucking ice cooler shit was so cold. we just laughed it off and she's all "thats a shame i was gonna suck it" like bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhh come on. prolly for the best really as i dont think she was actually broke up with her ex at the time but yeah fuck cold weather.
here's a picture from where i was stood inside said cave thing for reference
(https://i.imgur.com/fsljZahl.jpg)
hahahaExpand Quotefrom around November time up until February I was kinda seeing this girl on and off, was a bit of a weird situation given she'd just broke up with her ex and shit but w/e I don't know that fool. In January or so we went out on a lil wilderness explore being that were both into that (for backstory we'd already kissed and shit by this point and were aware we both had feelings) and yeah shit was alright just walking around exploring talking shit happy as larry. We somehow end up on some mtb trails and from there we find this weird abandoned cave/alcove thing with a tiny hole in a wall to enter and she's all "go inside" so I'm like alright fuck it. inside this mfer is pitch black, couldn't see a few ft infront of me. So we're dicking around in there and we start kissing, starts getting a bit rougher shes scratching the fuck outta my back while im biting her neck and all that shit, starts stroking my dick through my trousers and im harder than fucking stonehenge swear on god i was boutta nut just from that. one thing lead to another and she's basically stood there with her tits out so im sucking/biting em with her hand down my pants shit is lit. eventually she just whispers "get it out" so i whip the fuckin thing out and she starts stroking me. now bare in mind this is January in england it was about -1c and her hands were cold as shit and as soon as she touched my dick shit just fuckin flopped. imagine sticking your dick in a fucking ice cooler shit was so cold. we just laughed it off and she's all "thats a shame i was gonna suck it" like bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhh come on. prolly for the best really as i dont think she was actually broke up with her ex at the time but yeah fuck cold weather.
here's a picture from where i was stood inside said cave thing for reference
(https://i.imgur.com/fsljZahl.jpg)[close]
Thank you for the picture, it really helps provide context.
At least you got some kinda hole that day.hahahaExpand QuoteExpand Quotefrom around November time up until February I was kinda seeing this girl on and off, was a bit of a weird situation given she'd just broke up with her ex and shit but w/e I don't know that fool. In January or so we went out on a lil wilderness explore being that were both into that (for backstory we'd already kissed and shit by this point and were aware we both had feelings) and yeah shit was alright just walking around exploring talking shit happy as larry. We somehow end up on some mtb trails and from there we find this weird abandoned cave/alcove thing with a tiny hole in a wall to enter and she's all "go inside" so I'm like alright fuck it. inside this mfer is pitch black, couldn't see a few ft infront of me. So we're dicking around in there and we start kissing, starts getting a bit rougher shes scratching the fuck outta my back while im biting her neck and all that shit, starts stroking my dick through my trousers and im harder than fucking stonehenge swear on god i was boutta nut just from that. one thing lead to another and she's basically stood there with her tits out so im sucking/biting em with her hand down my pants shit is lit. eventually she just whispers "get it out" so i whip the fuckin thing out and she starts stroking me. now bare in mind this is January in england it was about -1c and her hands were cold as shit and as soon as she touched my dick shit just fuckin flopped. imagine sticking your dick in a fucking ice cooler shit was so cold. we just laughed it off and she's all "thats a shame i was gonna suck it" like bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhh come on. prolly for the best really as i dont think she was actually broke up with her ex at the time but yeah fuck cold weather.
here's a picture from where i was stood inside said cave thing for reference
(https://i.imgur.com/fsljZahl.jpg)[close]
Thank you for the picture, it really helps provide context.[close]
At least you got some kinda hole that day.Expand QuotehahahaExpand QuoteExpand Quotefrom around November time up until February I was kinda seeing this girl on and off, was a bit of a weird situation given she'd just broke up with her ex and shit but w/e I don't know that fool. In January or so we went out on a lil wilderness explore being that were both into that (for backstory we'd already kissed and shit by this point and were aware we both had feelings) and yeah shit was alright just walking around exploring talking shit happy as larry. We somehow end up on some mtb trails and from there we find this weird abandoned cave/alcove thing with a tiny hole in a wall to enter and she's all "go inside" so I'm like alright fuck it. inside this mfer is pitch black, couldn't see a few ft infront of me. So we're dicking around in there and we start kissing, starts getting a bit rougher shes scratching the fuck outta my back while im biting her neck and all that shit, starts stroking my dick through my trousers and im harder than fucking stonehenge swear on god i was boutta nut just from that. one thing lead to another and she's basically stood there with her tits out so im sucking/biting em with her hand down my pants shit is lit. eventually she just whispers "get it out" so i whip the fuckin thing out and she starts stroking me. now bare in mind this is January in england it was about -1c and her hands were cold as shit and as soon as she touched my dick shit just fuckin flopped. imagine sticking your dick in a fucking ice cooler shit was so cold. we just laughed it off and she's all "thats a shame i was gonna suck it" like bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhh come on. prolly for the best really as i dont think she was actually broke up with her ex at the time but yeah fuck cold weather.
here's a picture from where i was stood inside said cave thing for reference
(https://i.imgur.com/fsljZahl.jpg)[close]
Thank you for the picture, it really helps provide context.[close][close]
Expand QuoteAt least you got some kinda hole that day.Expand QuotehahahaExpand QuoteExpand Quotefrom around November time up until February I was kinda seeing this girl on and off, was a bit of a weird situation given she'd just broke up with her ex and shit but w/e I don't know that fool. In January or so we went out on a lil wilderness explore being that were both into that (for backstory we'd already kissed and shit by this point and were aware we both had feelings) and yeah shit was alright just walking around exploring talking shit happy as larry. We somehow end up on some mtb trails and from there we find this weird abandoned cave/alcove thing with a tiny hole in a wall to enter and she's all "go inside" so I'm like alright fuck it. inside this mfer is pitch black, couldn't see a few ft infront of me. So we're dicking around in there and we start kissing, starts getting a bit rougher shes scratching the fuck outta my back while im biting her neck and all that shit, starts stroking my dick through my trousers and im harder than fucking stonehenge swear on god i was boutta nut just from that. one thing lead to another and she's basically stood there with her tits out so im sucking/biting em with her hand down my pants shit is lit. eventually she just whispers "get it out" so i whip the fuckin thing out and she starts stroking me. now bare in mind this is January in england it was about -1c and her hands were cold as shit and as soon as she touched my dick shit just fuckin flopped. imagine sticking your dick in a fucking ice cooler shit was so cold. we just laughed it off and she's all "thats a shame i was gonna suck it" like bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhh come on. prolly for the best really as i dont think she was actually broke up with her ex at the time but yeah fuck cold weather.
here's a picture from where i was stood inside said cave thing for reference
(https://i.imgur.com/fsljZahl.jpg)[close]
Thank you for the picture, it really helps provide context.[close][close][close]
Thought for a moment you might of been getting freaky with a grizzly bear
It sucked and I was facing away from the TV so I couldn't see what was happening and even though the window was open there wasn't anything interesting going on out there either.
Let me first state that I didn't have sex with her. I didn't get off. She barely even touched my dick, but what follows was nonetheless an awkward sexual experience.
TL;DR - Massaged a girl's ass for half an hour. Didn't really get why.
A few days ago I matched with a girl on Tinder. She messages me first asking if I want to hang. I can't because of my stupid work schedule and it was already ~late~ for me. I should have just hung then. The next day I asked if she wanted to hang, but she took too long to respond so I figured it was just another night alone and jerked off and showered. After I came out of the shower I see she finally responded and told her I had work early in the morning. I didn't, but I wasn't about it at that point in the night. The next day I ask if she's down and she is. She calls, gets my address, and comes over. We're awkward and hold some boring conversation about uninteresting shit. She suggests we put on Star Trek. I do. We're sitting there awkwardly for a whlie then we get close and I tell her I'm going to start kissing her badly. We do boring middle school touching and shit for a good while, but she tells me she isn't trying to have sex. A let down, but whatever we still go at each other a little bit. After a while she tells me she should probably be leaving soon and I tell her to stay a while and she responds in enthusiasm that she can't believe someone is touching her butt. I confusedly ask why and she just states that's what she likes. She then rolls over onto the other side of the couch, sticks her ass in the air, and pulls her pants down a little. I rub her ass a bit and ask if she wants me to go down on her. Her response "No, I'm not ready for that. You would do that? Just rub it and spank me a little." So I do that for like half an hour. Or at least it seemed. Just sitting there massaging this girls ass while she kind of moaned and fell over me. It sucked and I was facing away from the TV so I couldn't see what was happening and even though the window was open there wasn't anything interesting going on out there either. It was just strange massaging an ass for what felt like too long. My arms were getting tired. I honestly feel like I was being pranked, that she's gone to all her friends and told them about the moron she got to rub her ass for half an hour. I messaged her again asking if she wanted to hang and only got a maybe. I shouldn't have stayed up as late as I did for that.
Anyone know if there really are girls out there that like having their ass handled like that? Is that a thing? Explain this shit to me.
Nah, she still grabbed it and forced it in a few times. It didn't last very long, but my tiny dick was inside of her so I'm counting that. Even if it truly is mental gymnastics on my part for a slight bit of confidence for the future. And I didn't just start fisting her immediately. It progressed to that and her gravelly wheezes of "I'm going to cum, don't stop" etc. indicated to me she was about it. IDK.
Also, I realized earlier that she had a lip piercing and it cut my tongue so I wasn't puking blood, there was just blood in my puke.
But I'm going to keep using Tinder because there was absolutely nothing before that and the string of bad, uncomfortable dates and handful of awkward sexual experiences, for the time, is better than that nothingness. So although I am absolutely clueless, I wouldn't say I'm bewildered by the concept. I can barely even talk to girls I don't want to fuck. It's not a surprise to me to be this dumb and awkward with interactions that go beyond that. But, yeah, I should probably be a bit more picky and pass on girls I'm not that into.
I personally like the Deftones but have found that girls who like the Deftones are less than desirable.
Any covid hookups happening?
The Deftones fucking suck.
I'd rather just listen to some Op Ivy
The Deftones fucking suck.
I'd rather just listen to some Op Ivy
I needed this laugh today...good stuffYou ask him how much it cost? I'm willing to buy used if the price is right.Expand QuoteCame home shitfaced and walked in on my roommate buttfucking a real doll reverse cowgirl. Not sure if that counts but it was awkward. Everything looked real until I spotted the metal ankles.[close]
Expand QuoteThe Deftones fucking suck.
I'd rather just listen to some Op Ivy[close]
yeah both of those bands are pretty terrible and neither of those bands are relevant to this thread.
The Deftones fucking suck.
I'd rather just listen to some Op Ivy
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteThe Deftones fucking suck.
I'd rather just listen to some Op Ivy[close]
yeah both of those bands are pretty terrible and neither of those bands are relevant to this thread.[close]
Operation Ivy fucking rules
I'm eating my ex GF out. We're on crazy frickin drug cocktails.
Took rolls dropped LSD and mushrooms. Various pills to take the edge off doing blow occasionally and was shooting dope during the trip and fucking and fucking and fucking.
I was eating her out while the rolls began and I got something in my teeth. I go what the fuck?
There's a little piece of pink meat in my fingers I pulled from my teeth.
She started freaking the fuck out. I'm like woah it's all good I've seen this before.
I had not seen it before ever but it didn't become a hang up. A massive amount of hallucinogens stimulants and dope dick cures most problems.
Fucking so good you're all melted together and through the other side of your partner and burn up flying through space together as one.
Took way too long to cum. That was kinda a drag. This drug combo should only be used for filming gang bangs.
If someone was eating my butt and that happened I'd fart then get out of there.
I'm eating my ex GF out. We're on crazy frickin drug cocktails.Holy fuck that is alot of stuff to take at once. You beast!
Took rolls dropped LSD and mushrooms. Various pills to take the edge off doing blow occasionally and was shooting dope during the trip and fucking and fucking and fucking.
I was eating her out while the rolls began and I got something in my teeth. I go what the fuck?
There's a little piece of pink meat in my fingers I pulled from my teeth.
She started freaking the fuck out. I'm like woah it's all good I've seen this before.
I had not seen it before ever but it didn't become a hang up. A massive amount of hallucinogens stimulants and dope dick cures most problems.
Fucking so good you're all melted together and through the other side of your partner and burn up flying through space together as one.
Took way too long to cum. That was kinda a drag. This drug combo should only be used for filming gang bangs.
Sounds cool and all, but what the fuck was that pink meat in your teeth my dude?
Expand QuoteSounds cool and all, but what the fuck was that pink meat in your teeth my dude?[close]
I assume it was some fucking wart or something. I got HPV from that girl I'm pretty sure. Funny thing is she was my first long term grrl. We was young and partied harder than nearly everyone we met.
But yeah
Cool heads always prevail in tripping.
It's important to remember when you lick a dozen or so stamps with a friend. It's on you to hold out your hand and lift them up if things go south for them.
Expand QuoteThe Deftones fucking suck.
I'd rather just listen to some Op Ivy[close]
yeah both of those bands are pretty terrible and neither of those bands are relevant to this thread.
I wouldn't trip on HPV. Something like 90% of the adult sexually active population had been exposed to it prior to them developing a vaccine. I got mine from a very nice person who it turns out wasn't terrific about disclosing some stuff.Expand QuoteSounds cool and all, but what the fuck was that pink meat in your teeth my dude?[close]
I assume it was some fucking wart or something. I got HPV from that girl I'm pretty sure. Funny thing is she was my first long term grrl. We was young and partied harder than nearly everyone we met.
But yeah
Cool heads always prevail in tripping.
It's important to remember when you lick a dozen or so stamps with a friend. It's on you to hold out your hand and lift them up if things go south for them.
i lost my virginity to a graduate student who was 5 years older than me. She asked me to pee on her before we had sex and idk about u guys but its kind of hard to pee when somebody's watching you specifically, and generally am not stoked to show a woman my flaccid penis :(EDIT: has a username ever checked out harder?
I don't really understand what the point was either she just showered after the piss and then had sex, and then showered again. Just seems like a waste of water to me
So I'm at a LGBTQ+ bar and I have always considered myself bicurious, anyways I'm digging this one gal and her gal pal she described herself as bi too I'm thinking awww man I'm in like Flint.
Well I am putting the Mac down talking this huge game like dunning Krueger type of worldly views I have done this and I'm not scared as she asked me to flop out my dick so I'm hammered but maintaining my my whiskey dick, whip my dong out and start beating my meat going hard in the paint too the scene is livid like everyone else is watching queens and bears are watching.
I get halfway there to just about cum and her gal pal takes me in the bathroom and we're going at it like on the toilet and girl is tongue punching my starfish, I'm just about there but I had chilli earlier and I am trying to cut my fart or just ignore it nope I farted the gal eating my ass was like wtf?!
I'm going hard on her gal pal from behind which I didn't know was transgendered. I sharted myself and didn't know till I smelled it, I was super bummed they laughed a bit but ultimately I got their numbers for a later date. Ended up hooking up with transgal later on for a while on a crazy meth binge it was mad fun to have that random encounter but I don't think I'd be down now as I'm sober, not that I don't swing that way I guess I'm boring and like things simple these day's.
Well lads, it's been a while, so the old boy Grind King Rims will regale a tale of a huuuuuge fucking mistake.
When I was about 20/21, I was staying at home in the countryside with my family. I was still deeply closeted and hated my gay sexual urges. My go-to wasn't Grindr, but Craigslist Casual Encounters. I got in contact with some sketchy old guy from a few country towns over. All of these towns have populations of hundreds of people, not thousands: as rural as it gets. I can't remember the details of chatting with this guy, but somewhere along the way he mentions that he has a fantasy of being a schoolmaster and getting with a guy in school uniform. I offered to wear my old school uniform, but thank Christ almighty he said it wasn't necessary because my dumb faggot ass would have done it.
I ended up ordering a rural taxi bus to get me over there. My family was suspicious as to why I was leaving suddenly in the night, and even the taxi driver was wondering why I was getting a taxi to a tiny remote village. When I met the guy, he was shorter than me, maybe 5'3" and from what little I could see on the side road with no street lights, he was absolutely disgusting. He looked like the Yellow King from True Detective (https://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/zCOrIbOoLo2x.jpg), but shorter. I was too uncomfortable and inexperienced to just say, "Yeah this isn't happening man, I'm not into it." So instead I went with him down a country road to the shed where his family kept the cattle, where he had a tiny cot, a 12" TV/VHS combo playing porn (he apologized for only having straight porn). He had a tiny disgusting penis. We 69'd for about a minute, maybe less, before he said really casually, with almost no inflection in his voice, "Don't worry, I'm just cumming there." and came in my mouth. I got the same confused, suspicious taxi driver to take me home immediately, less than a half an hour after he dropped me off I'm sure.
It's probably the most disgusting and unpleasant sexual experience I've ever had. I remember feeling like I had volunteered myself to be molested. I don't think I jacked off or felt sexy for well over a week after and I've never told anyone about it until now.
I meet a girl off tinder. She says she’s a virgin and on her period but I’m down and I figured she wasn’t being honest about being a virgin. We meet at a Walgreens and I drive to the vacant parking lot that my friends and I skate and we just make out for a while. After a bit I go down on her and am fingering too when I noticed the blood. It wasn’t too bad but I gave her some napkins to clean up. She then gave me head and I came. She asked if I wanted to go inside her but I told her I had no condoms. I told her since I had already came we could just go for it and risk it. So we do and I go in but I slip out very quickly. That’s when I see my penis covered in a ton of blood. Never seen that much blood on my little guy. Suffice to say I couldn’t get hard after that.
Well lads, it's been a while, so the old boy Grind King Rims will regale a tale of a huuuuuge fucking mistake.
When I was about 20/21, I was staying at home in the countryside with my family. I was still deeply closeted and hated my gay sexual urges. My go-to wasn't Grindr, but Craigslist Casual Encounters. I got in contact with some sketchy old guy from a few country towns over. All of these towns have populations of hundreds of people, not thousands: as rural as it gets. I can't remember the details of chatting with this guy, but somewhere along the way he mentions that he has a fantasy of being a schoolmaster and getting with a guy in school uniform. I offered to wear my old school uniform, but thank Christ almighty he said it wasn't necessary because my dumb faggot ass would have done it.
I ended up ordering a rural taxi bus to get me over there. My family was suspicious as to why I was leaving suddenly in the night, and even the taxi driver was wondering why I was getting a taxi to a tiny remote village. When I met the guy, he was shorter than me, maybe 5'3" and from what little I could see on the side road with no street lights, he was absolutely disgusting. He looked like the Yellow King from True Detective (https://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/zCOrIbOoLo2x.jpg), but shorter. I was too uncomfortable and inexperienced to just say, "Yeah this isn't happening man, I'm not into it." So instead I went with him down a country road to the shed where his family kept the cattle, where he had a tiny cot, a 12" TV/VHS combo playing porn (he apologized for only having straight porn). He had a tiny disgusting penis. We 69'd for about a minute, maybe less, before he said really casually, with almost no inflection in his voice, "Don't worry, I'm just cumming there." and came in my mouth. I got the same confused, suspicious taxi driver to take me home immediately, less than a half an hour after he dropped me off I'm sure.
It's probably the most disgusting and unpleasant sexual experience I've ever had. I remember feeling like I had volunteered myself to be molested. I don't think I jacked off or felt sexy for well over a week after and I've never told anyone about it until now.
I started using condoms now!Expand QuoteI meet a girl off tinder. She says she’s a virgin and on her period but I’m down and I figured she wasn’t being honest about being a virgin. We meet at a Walgreens and I drive to the vacant parking lot that my friends and I skate and we just make out for a while. After a bit I go down on her and am fingering too when I noticed the blood. It wasn’t too bad but I gave her some napkins to clean up. She then gave me head and I came. She asked if I wanted to go inside her but I told her I had no condoms. I told her since I had already came we could just go for it and risk it. So we do and I go in but I slip out very quickly. That’s when I see my penis covered in a ton of blood. Never seen that much blood on my little guy. Suffice to say I couldn’t get hard after that.[close]
Homeboy you're partaking in some dangerous shit
Well lads, it's been a while, so the old boy Grind King Rims will regale a tale of a huuuuuge fucking mistake.Damn dog that's increasingly sad and more disgusting to commit to and go ahead with that deed. We've all got our urge's but that dude I'd definitely pass on.
When I was about 20/21, I was staying at home in the countryside with my family. I was still deeply closeted and hated my gay sexual urges. My go-to wasn't Grindr, but Craigslist Casual Encounters. I got in contact with some sketchy old guy from a few country towns over. All of these towns have populations of hundreds of people, not thousands: as rural as it gets. I can't remember the details of chatting with this guy, but somewhere along the way he mentions that he has a fantasy of being a schoolmaster and getting with a guy in school uniform. I offered to wear my old school uniform, but thank Christ almighty he said it wasn't necessary because my dumb faggot ass would have done it.
I ended up ordering a rural taxi bus to get me over there. My family was suspicious as to why I was leaving suddenly in the night, and even the taxi driver was wondering why I was getting a taxi to a tiny remote village. When I met the guy, he was shorter than me, maybe 5'3" and from what little I could see on the side road with no street lights, he was absolutely disgusting. He looked like the Yellow King from True Detective (https://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/zCOrIbOoLo2x.jpg), but shorter. I was too uncomfortable and inexperienced to just say, "Yeah this isn't happening man, I'm not into it." So instead I went with him down a country road to the shed where his family kept the cattle, where he had a tiny cot, a 12" TV/VHS combo playing porn (he apologized for only having straight porn). He had a tiny disgusting penis. We 69'd for about a minute, maybe less, before he said really casually, with almost no inflection in his voice, "Don't worry, I'm just cumming there." and came in my mouth. I got the same confused, suspicious taxi driver to take me home immediately, less than a half an hour after he dropped me off I'm sure.
It's probably the most disgusting and unpleasant sexual experience I've ever had. I remember feeling like I had volunteered myself to be molested. I don't think I jacked off or felt sexy for well over a week after and I've never told anyone about it until now.
This isn't my story but read this in a facebook group the other day and it reminded me of this thread so thought it was worth the bump:
Throwaway account because my wife follows my regular account here. My (28m) wife (26f) and I have admittedly had very vanilla sex throughout our 3 year marriage. We had our first kid a year ago and it seriously slowed down our sex life. However, a little under a month ago she approached me about “trying new things”. She has been hanging out with a group of moms in our neighborhood and one of them told her that she and her husband tried pegging and it completely transformed their marriage. My wife told me that she wanted to try pegging as well to “spice things up”. At first I thought it was a joke, but soon realized she actually wanted to peg me. I had never done assplay before and had always lived by the philosophy that the anus is solely an exit, but my wife made it clear that this was important to her so after a few days I obliged.
That next weekend, she pegged me and everything was surprisingly enjoyable. Additionally, the week following the pegging was one of the best weeks we’ve had together since the birth of our child. We were back to our old sex life, doing things like having sex before work and even waking each other up with head. However, that next weekend she told me she wanted to peg me again. I was slightly confused as to why this last week of sex wasn’t cutting it for her, but I agreed.
This is when things took an extreme turn. During this second pegging while my wife was inside of me, she grabbed my hair, craned my neck to the right, and pressed our foreheads together. I had never seen her take control like this and thought it was very hot until she looked me in the eye and whispered “I want your shit”. I pulled my face away and asked her to repeat and she said “I want you to shit on me”. I pushed her off of me and asked her if she was joking and she started crying. I felt like a fucking dick because she thought I was kinkshaming her. In a way, I was because I thought the request was far too extreme. I ended up leaving for the night and stayed with one of my close friends, but didn’t tell him what happened.
After that incident, my wife and I hardly talked all week unless it related to our son. At the end of the week, I asked my wife to talk about what happened. She told me again that she wanted me to shit on her and that it meant a lot to her. I thought it was sickening, but she claimed this was her deepest, darkest kink. I couldn’t understand how and why my shit excited her, but she insisted that she has always wanted this.
We fought about this for about a week and after watching some scat porn and reading articles by people who also shared this kink, I tried to put myself in my wife’s shoes. I told her that I will shit on her if that is what will turn her on. She was so happy and even though I was still completely nauseated by this desire, I wanted to satisfy her.
That brings us to tonight. We were having sex for the first time this week when I (regrettably) confessed to her that I had to take a shit. She perked up with a smile, sensed my discomfort, and began stroking my hair and whispering encouraging things to me. I still really didn’t want to go through with it, but since I had promised her I pulled out and we ran to the bathroom.
She got into the bathtub and I hung my ass over the side of the tub. I started pushing, but unsurprisingly found it very difficult to successfully shit on my wife. I turned my head around to see my wife staring up and smiling at me waiting for me to finish. With enough time, I was finally able to get a turd to start coming out. I could hear my wife breathing heavier beneath me as my asshole started opening. However, before the turd was able to drop on her chest, I felt a sensation around my asshole.
I turned around and saw my wife - the love of my life, the mother of my son - attempting to catch my turd in her mouth as it fell out of my asshole. I was horrified that she would try to do this, and tried to pull the shit back into my body so she couldn’t receive it in her mouth. Seeing what looked like an attempt by her to eat my shit brought me close to throwing up.
As I clenched my buttcheeks together to try to stop the shit from reaching my wife, the clenching cut off a very small piece of my shit and I heard it land somewhere beneath me. I was too scared and disgusted to look at my wife to see what she had done with it, so I ran to the other bathroom to clean myself. As I was sitting in the other bathroom thinking about how I will ever be able to look my wife in the eye again, I heard footsteps approaching. My wife lightly knocked on the door. I didn’t respond and was on the verge of throwing up the more I thought about what just happened. She walked away and then I got a text from her thanking me for fulfilling her wish and asking me to come to bed.
I’ve been sitting in the living room typing this for the last half hour scared to face my wife. We have plans to take our son to the zoo with another family tomorrow, but I don’t think I can look at her
I started pushing, but unsurprisingly found it very difficult to successfully shit on my wife
Expand QuoteThis isn't my story but read this in a facebook group the other day and it reminded me of this thread so thought it was worth the bump:
Throwaway account because my wife follows my regular account here. My (28m) wife (26f) and I have admittedly had very vanilla sex throughout our 3 year marriage. We had our first kid a year ago and it seriously slowed down our sex life. However, a little under a month ago she approached me about “trying new things”. She has been hanging out with a group of moms in our neighborhood and one of them told her that she and her husband tried pegging and it completely transformed their marriage. My wife told me that she wanted to try pegging as well to “spice things up”. At first I thought it was a joke, but soon realized she actually wanted to peg me. I had never done assplay before and had always lived by the philosophy that the anus is solely an exit, but my wife made it clear that this was important to her so after a few days I obliged.
That next weekend, she pegged me and everything was surprisingly enjoyable. Additionally, the week following the pegging was one of the best weeks we’ve had together since the birth of our child. We were back to our old sex life, doing things like having sex before work and even waking each other up with head. However, that next weekend she told me she wanted to peg me again. I was slightly confused as to why this last week of sex wasn’t cutting it for her, but I agreed.
This is when things took an extreme turn. During this second pegging while my wife was inside of me, she grabbed my hair, craned my neck to the right, and pressed our foreheads together. I had never seen her take control like this and thought it was very hot until she looked me in the eye and whispered “I want your shit”. I pulled my face away and asked her to repeat and she said “I want you to shit on me”. I pushed her off of me and asked her if she was joking and she started crying. I felt like a fucking dick because she thought I was kinkshaming her. In a way, I was because I thought the request was far too extreme. I ended up leaving for the night and stayed with one of my close friends, but didn’t tell him what happened.
After that incident, my wife and I hardly talked all week unless it related to our son. At the end of the week, I asked my wife to talk about what happened. She told me again that she wanted me to shit on her and that it meant a lot to her. I thought it was sickening, but she claimed this was her deepest, darkest kink. I couldn’t understand how and why my shit excited her, but she insisted that she has always wanted this.
We fought about this for about a week and after watching some scat porn and reading articles by people who also shared this kink, I tried to put myself in my wife’s shoes. I told her that I will shit on her if that is what will turn her on. She was so happy and even though I was still completely nauseated by this desire, I wanted to satisfy her.
That brings us to tonight. We were having sex for the first time this week when I (regrettably) confessed to her that I had to take a shit. She perked up with a smile, sensed my discomfort, and began stroking my hair and whispering encouraging things to me. I still really didn’t want to go through with it, but since I had promised her I pulled out and we ran to the bathroom.
She got into the bathtub and I hung my ass over the side of the tub. I started pushing, but unsurprisingly found it very difficult to successfully shit on my wife. I turned my head around to see my wife staring up and smiling at me waiting for me to finish. With enough time, I was finally able to get a turd to start coming out. I could hear my wife breathing heavier beneath me as my asshole started opening. However, before the turd was able to drop on her chest, I felt a sensation around my asshole.
I turned around and saw my wife - the love of my life, the mother of my son - attempting to catch my turd in her mouth as it fell out of my asshole. I was horrified that she would try to do this, and tried to pull the shit back into my body so she couldn’t receive it in her mouth. Seeing what looked like an attempt by her to eat my shit brought me close to throwing up.
As I clenched my buttcheeks together to try to stop the shit from reaching my wife, the clenching cut off a very small piece of my shit and I heard it land somewhere beneath me. I was too scared and disgusted to look at my wife to see what she had done with it, so I ran to the other bathroom to clean myself. As I was sitting in the other bathroom thinking about how I will ever be able to look my wife in the eye again, I heard footsteps approaching. My wife lightly knocked on the door. I didn’t respond and was on the verge of throwing up the more I thought about what just happened. She walked away and then I got a text from her thanking me for fulfilling her wish and asking me to come to bed.
I’ve been sitting in the living room typing this for the last half hour scared to face my wife. We have plans to take our son to the zoo with another family tomorrow, but I don’t think I can look at her[close]
I can't tell you how many times over the past few months I randomly think of this story.
I feel like people who are into eating scat should not be allowed to have yelp accounts.Fucking status
i don't mean to kinkshame wifey here, but even that stuff should be consensual in a way. i can understand the dude is shook. as psyched as she is about eating his shit, it sucks when the dude doesn't feel comfortable shitting on her. i would be guilttripping. i also wouldn't kiss her for weeks if i knew she snacked my poo. humans are already disgusting enough as it is. our mouths and asses are dirtier than those of our pets.
i can't believe i typed all this, lol.
oh fuck, oh man, oh shit. the other night i hooked up with a heavy goth chick and while we were doing 69 she squirted so much pickle juice down my throat. gnarliest fucking moment of my life. threw her off me and could not get hard again for the rest of the night.
fucking RIP
Expand Quoteoh fuck, oh man, oh shit. the other night i hooked up with a heavy goth chick and while we were doing 69 she squirted so much pickle juice down my throat. gnarliest fucking moment of my life. threw her off me and could not get hard again for the rest of the night.
fucking RIP[close]
As a BBW fan myself, I have had mixed experience with squirters. In some cases everything is hunky dory. In other cases it is straight up urine.
Expand QuoteExpand Quoteoh fuck, oh man, oh shit. the other night i hooked up with a heavy goth chick and while we were doing 69 she squirted so much pickle juice down my throat. gnarliest fucking moment of my life. threw her off me and could not get hard again for the rest of the night.
fucking RIP[close]
As a BBW fan myself, I have had mixed experience with squirters. In some cases everything is hunky dory. In other cases it is straight up urine.[close]
She didnt even cum, just channeled the great fucking flood into me. im fine with squirters but it was like swallowing a blast of salt water swimming in the ocean- fucked me up yo.
new sheets feel great- am i rightSilk or anything smooth like that sucks. It will have you slipping everywhere. Once I hurt my knee skating and thought I was going to blow my ACL out.
Damn man. This is how so many serial killers first victims were killed. I am seriously at a loss and can't stop smiling about how creepy that is.Expand QuoteWell lads, it's been a while, so the old boy Grind King Rims will regale a tale of a huuuuuge fucking mistake.
When I was about 20/21, I was staying at home in the countryside with my family. I was still deeply closeted and hated my gay sexual urges. My go-to wasn't Grindr, but Craigslist Casual Encounters. I got in contact with some sketchy old guy from a few country towns over. All of these towns have populations of hundreds of people, not thousands: as rural as it gets. I can't remember the details of chatting with this guy, but somewhere along the way he mentions that he has a fantasy of being a schoolmaster and getting with a guy in school uniform. I offered to wear my old school uniform, but thank Christ almighty he said it wasn't necessary because my dumb faggot ass would have done it.
I ended up ordering a rural taxi bus to get me over there. My family was suspicious as to why I was leaving suddenly in the night, and even the taxi driver was wondering why I was getting a taxi to a tiny remote village. When I met the guy, he was shorter than me, maybe 5'3" and from what little I could see on the side road with no street lights, he was absolutely disgusting. He looked like the Yellow King from True Detective (https://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/zCOrIbOoLo2x.jpg), but shorter. I was too uncomfortable and inexperienced to just say, "Yeah this isn't happening man, I'm not into it." So instead I went with him down a country road to the shed where his family kept the cattle, where he had a tiny cot, a 12" TV/VHS combo playing porn (he apologized for only having straight porn). He had a tiny disgusting penis. We 69'd for about a minute, maybe less, before he said really casually, with almost no inflection in his voice, "Don't worry, I'm just cumming there." and came in my mouth. I got the same confused, suspicious taxi driver to take me home immediately, less than a half an hour after he dropped me off I'm sure.
It's probably the most disgusting and unpleasant sexual experience I've ever had. I remember feeling like I had volunteered myself to be molested. I don't think I jacked off or felt sexy for well over a week after and I've never told anyone about it until now.[close]
This is incredibly depressing. Being made to think your most basic urges are wrong leads to some fucked up shit. Thanks for sharing.
Damn man. This is how so many serial killers first victims were killed. I am seriously at a loss and can't stop smiling about how creepy that is.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteWell lads, it's been a while, so the old boy Grind King Rims will regale a tale of a huuuuuge fucking mistake.
When I was about 20/21, I was staying at home in the countryside with my family. I was still deeply closeted and hated my gay sexual urges. My go-to wasn't Grindr, but Craigslist Casual Encounters. I got in contact with some sketchy old guy from a few country towns over. All of these towns have populations of hundreds of people, not thousands: as rural as it gets. I can't remember the details of chatting with this guy, but somewhere along the way he mentions that he has a fantasy of being a schoolmaster and getting with a guy in school uniform. I offered to wear my old school uniform, but thank Christ almighty he said it wasn't necessary because my dumb faggot ass would have done it.
I ended up ordering a rural taxi bus to get me over there. My family was suspicious as to why I was leaving suddenly in the night, and even the taxi driver was wondering why I was getting a taxi to a tiny remote village. When I met the guy, he was shorter than me, maybe 5'3" and from what little I could see on the side road with no street lights, he was absolutely disgusting. He looked like the Yellow King from True Detective (https://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/zCOrIbOoLo2x.jpg), but shorter. I was too uncomfortable and inexperienced to just say, "Yeah this isn't happening man, I'm not into it." So instead I went with him down a country road to the shed where his family kept the cattle, where he had a tiny cot, a 12" TV/VHS combo playing porn (he apologized for only having straight porn). He had a tiny disgusting penis. We 69'd for about a minute, maybe less, before he said really casually, with almost no inflection in his voice, "Don't worry, I'm just cumming there." and came in my mouth. I got the same confused, suspicious taxi driver to take me home immediately, less than a half an hour after he dropped me off I'm sure.
It's probably the most disgusting and unpleasant sexual experience I've ever had. I remember feeling like I had volunteered myself to be molested. I don't think I jacked off or felt sexy for well over a week after and I've never told anyone about it until now.[close]
This is incredibly depressing. Being made to think your most basic urges are wrong leads to some fucked up shit. Thanks for sharing.[close]
Not by you if that makes sense, but what you had to go through. Thank god you are still alive.
I used to play pop warner football as a kid, and for the first half of my first season I was a center. That means I had hands up against my balls and gooch because I was the one hiking the ball to the quarterback. It was never comfortable, always awkward especially on game days where the whole crowd is watching my no-no zone get diddled.
Obviously it's not a sexual act, but it was the first time I had my erogenous zone touched by another person. Playing offensive line fucking sucks, I switched to D-line after and got to hit kids as hard as I wanted :)
For reference...
(https://cdn.bleacherreport.net/temp_images/2017/10/03/c77439d266b82b2f931544d8e9eced76.gif?1507042772)
Oh, one time a guy ejaculated blood onto my chest.
Oh, one time a guy ejaculated blood onto my chest.please tell me he was singing/ grunting this when it happened:
Expand QuoteOh, one time a guy ejaculated blood onto my chest.[close]
Probably from sacking the rail.
;)
please tell me he was singing/ grunting this when it happened:Expand QuoteOh, one time a guy ejaculated blood onto my chest.[close]
http://youtu.be/WBAM1W3P9II
I'm afraid of heights but an ex gf was really into graffiti and getting up on dodgy roofs and climbing etc. I didn't want to embarrass myself and chicken out when she invited me to hang on a nearby rooftop so I went along with it. Anyway we had to make our way across this sketchy skinny little beam to cross over to the spot and I legit shed a tear or two making my way across. I was trying to hide it really hard once we reached the other side and she asked what was wrong as I was trembling and couldn't make eye contact. I just blurted out " i'm so happy when i'm with you " and started making out with her. She was wearing these leather gloves and ended up jerking me off with them. The post fear orgasm was fantastic.
I've had a glove fetish ever since and i'm not as scared of heights anymore. Conquer your fears everyone.
I'm afraid of heights but an ex gf was really into graffiti and getting up on dodgy roofs and climbing etc. I didn't want to embarrass myself and chicken out when she invited me to hang on a nearby rooftop so I went along with it. Anyway we had to make our way across this sketchy skinny little beam to cross over to the spot and I legit shed a tear or two making my way across. I was trying to hide it really hard once we reached the other side and she asked what was wrong as I was trembling and couldn't make eye contact. I just blurted out " i'm so happy when i'm with you " and started making out with her. She was wearing these leather gloves and ended up jerking me off with them. The post fear orgasm was fantastic.
I've had a glove fetish ever since and i'm not as scared of heights anymore. Conquer your fears everyone.
Of course ND are better than CC; ND has political lyrics/ basically invented grind, CC just happened to find a medical dictionary. Either way, he came blood!!!!
This isn’t really a sexual experience but whatever, so there’s this pretty girl lives on same floor as me and she’s always super friendly, my dog likes her too
anyway I was coming home the other night, absolutely fuck eyed and I got off the train and was walking through the station. I did a tremendous burp and I remember thinking fuck that stinks. Shit comes into focus for me and it’s fucking her and her friend coming right at me walking through the miasma of what came from my guts
I swear to god it made the air shimmer
She looked so disappointed honestly I’d have been better off if I shit myself in front of her
I had been drinking rum punch and I had polished off one of those charcuterie boards earlier so yeah it was a fucking seedy burp
I could almost hear her vagina clang shut
This isn’t really a sexual experience but whatever, so there’s this pretty girl lives on same floor as me and she’s always super friendly, my dog likes her too
anyway I was coming home the other night, absolutely fuck eyed and I got off the train and was walking through the station. I did a tremendous burp and I remember thinking fuck that stinks. Shit comes into focus for me and it’s fucking her and her friend coming right at me walking through the miasma of what came from my guts
I swear to god it made the air shimmer
She looked so disappointed honestly I’d have been better off if I shit myself in front of her
I had been drinking rum punch and I had polished off one of those charcuterie boards earlier so yeah it was a fucking seedy burp
I could almost hear her vagina clang shut
I was hanging out with this woman who I think is the cutest lady ever... she had to quarantine for a few weeks due to someone she is close with getting covid. The day she is free from quarantine we spend the day touring the city, shooting with my super8 camera, and then we go back to my place for dinner/movie.What’s done is done, if she’s as cool as you are hoping just chalk it up to bad timing and keep hanging out w/her. Maybe she’ll even “owe you one”
Start the movie and go straight to making out. As mentioned above, I'm super into her and we couldn't hang out due to covid for a couple weeks, so I eagerly go down on her in the dark, we fool around, finish up and get ready to hop in the shower. We flip on the lights and there is a good amount of blood on the sheets... fuck, her period started a little early. Usually, no big deal, toss the sheets into the washer, rinse off, and move on with the night. However, considering we weren't super deep into a relationship I'm certainly sketched out I went down on her at that time of the month... seems like a little too much bodily fluid contact (I didn't even do that shit with my ex who I was with for nearly a decade).
Back in freshman year of high school, my first gf and I would sneak around and get frisky in stealthy locations. One of these locations was the roof of a theater nearby her dad's house. This particular day she was giving me a bj, which was quite enjoyable until my wiener hit the bracket of her braces in the back of her mouth. Having never experienced such a profoundly painful sensation, I lost all bodily control. Ended up peeing a whole lot in her mouth and we didn't talk for a few days.
Hmmm. I think you might be right. In my experience the best threesomes I've had have always been everyone into everyone. And the only awkward threesome I had was where there was an imbalance.Yeah we were dumb high schoolers who were being edgy goth dork's who tried as many things as possible. I mean for the sake of trying it we got down a couple times.
If you knew how it was from the beginning, then I don't think it would be as bad. Like if I went into a threesome and knew that me and someone else weren't particularly into each other, but we were both entirely going to be focusing on the third, it might be alright? But the issue is with the figuring it out a little bit, I think, maybe.
Yeah we were dumb high schoolers who were being edgy goth dork's who tried as many things as possible. I mean for the sake of trying it we got down a couple times.Expand QuoteHmmm. I think you might be right. In my experience the best threesomes I've had have always been everyone into everyone. And the only awkward threesome I had was where there was an imbalance.
If you knew how it was from the beginning, then I don't think it would be as bad. Like if I went into a threesome and knew that me and someone else weren't particularly into each other, but we were both entirely going to be focusing on the third, it might be alright? But the issue is with the figuring it out a little bit, I think, maybe.[close]
Last I checked up on them the cute one is in jail and the other busted chunky gal is a Spanish translator or some shit.
This is not a story but i've been out of the game long enough that I would slice my own foreskin off for an awkard sexual experience at this point.
I worked with this one girl for like a year or two, and shed always flirt with me. Anyhow I had a girlfriend at the time so it was a no go.
We ended up breaking up so as said co worker flirted, i started flirting back. This lasted probably 2 months or so.
Anyways, one day she asked if i could help move a new tv into her home. So i said yeah, I'd be there about an hour after work.
I show up and shes quite done up and hands me a beer. Then another, and another. At that point I'm like "ok, let's move this tv". So we did.
Then she invites me to the backyard for drinks and i oblige. After a few more drinks, shes sitting besides me as opposed to across from me. And i dont remember exactly how it happened, but next thing you know shes on my lap and using my hands to rub her tits. At this point, I'm like "fuck yeah, I'm down".
We go inside, she invites me into the bedroom. This house is really fuckin nice too. I'm kinda wondering how she offords this shit, but oh well. Off to the bedroom we go.
We are kissing etc and I'm fingering her, shes wet as fuck. She goes over to her dresser and grabs some weird vibrator, goes down on me and put the vibrator on my balls. Not gonna lie, best blowjob ever.
After maybe 10 minutes she asked me to put it in her, of course I do. So we are banging away for awhile and out of knowhere she flips over. Cool, I'll do doggy. Then she hits me with "I cant get pregnant, please put it in my ass". Well, fuck it I'm down. So I grab a lil lube and get busy. After half hour or so and a few position changes, I bust in her. It really was great sex.
Anyhow, we have another drink and she starts making us a small meal. We eat and crash out.
We had a few days off, so the next morning I left after some breakfast.
I go to work 4 days later and through the headsets, one of the crew members asks me how it was to fuck Michelle. I'm totally caught off guard, but I'm thinking they must have seen my vehicle there late and were just busting my balls.
Next thing I know the whole fuckin mill is talking about it which I found odd, but kinda funny.
Well not when I get a pat on the back, turn around and get punched square in the fuckin face. I end up fighting this dood around heavy machinery on a catwalk 4 stories up. He fuckin sucker punched me so I beat the shit out of him.
We both get called to the office over the radio and an ambulance is called for him, cops for me.
Fucking turns out she was married, had 4 kids, the dood that punched me was our head electrician and worked in the same fuckin mill.
Anyhow, I never got charged, he was ok, and everything was ok. But to this day, everytime we cross paths I get a pretty dirty look. And the asshole inside of me thinks "haha, I fucked your wife in the ass". But honestly I feel fuckin horrible about that. I had no clue. Hopefully they worked it out and it didnt effect their children's lives etc.
God damn nightmare scenario
Expand QuoteI worked with this one girl for like a year or two, and shed always flirt with me. Anyhow I had a girlfriend at the time so it was a no go.
We ended up breaking up so as said co worker flirted, i started flirting back. This lasted probably 2 months or so.
Anyways, one day she asked if i could help move a new tv into her home. So i said yeah, I'd be there about an hour after work.
I show up and shes quite done up and hands me a beer. Then another, and another. At that point I'm like "ok, let's move this tv". So we did.
Then she invites me to the backyard for drinks and i oblige. After a few more drinks, shes sitting besides me as opposed to across from me. And i dont remember exactly how it happened, but next thing you know shes on my lap and using my hands to rub her tits. At this point, I'm like "fuck yeah, I'm down".
We go inside, she invites me into the bedroom. This house is really fuckin nice too. I'm kinda wondering how she offords this shit, but oh well. Off to the bedroom we go.
We are kissing etc and I'm fingering her, shes wet as fuck. She goes over to her dresser and grabs some weird vibrator, goes down on me and put the vibrator on my balls. Not gonna lie, best blowjob ever.
After maybe 10 minutes she asked me to put it in her, of course I do. So we are banging away for awhile and out of knowhere she flips over. Cool, I'll do doggy. Then she hits me with "I cant get pregnant, please put it in my ass". Well, fuck it I'm down. So I grab a lil lube and get busy. After half hour or so and a few position changes, I bust in her. It really was great sex.
Anyhow, we have another drink and she starts making us a small meal. We eat and crash out.
We had a few days off, so the next morning I left after some breakfast.
I go to work 4 days later and through the headsets, one of the crew members asks me how it was to fuck Michelle. I'm totally caught off guard, but I'm thinking they must have seen my vehicle there late and were just busting my balls.
Next thing I know the whole fuckin mill is talking about it which I found odd, but kinda funny.
Well not when I get a pat on the back, turn around and get punched square in the fuckin face. I end up fighting this dood around heavy machinery on a catwalk 4 stories up. He fuckin sucker punched me so I beat the shit out of him.
We both get called to the office over the radio and an ambulance is called for him, cops for me.
Fucking turns out she was married, had 4 kids, the dood that punched me was our head electrician and worked in the same fuckin mill.
Anyhow, I never got charged, he was ok, and everything was ok. But to this day, everytime we cross paths I get a pretty dirty look. And the asshole inside of me thinks "haha, I fucked your wife in the ass". But honestly I feel fuckin horrible about that. I had no clue. Hopefully they worked it out and it didnt effect their children's lives etc.
God damn nightmare scenario[close]
So THAT'S why you are Montana bound
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI worked with this one girl for like a year or two, and shed always flirt with me. Anyhow I had a girlfriend at the time so it was a no go.
We ended up breaking up so as said co worker flirted, i started flirting back. This lasted probably 2 months or so.
Anyways, one day she asked if i could help move a new tv into her home. So i said yeah, I'd be there about an hour after work.
I show up and shes quite done up and hands me a beer. Then another, and another. At that point I'm like "ok, let's move this tv". So we did.
Then she invites me to the backyard for drinks and i oblige. After a few more drinks, shes sitting besides me as opposed to across from me. And i dont remember exactly how it happened, but next thing you know shes on my lap and using my hands to rub her tits. At this point, I'm like "fuck yeah, I'm down".
We go inside, she invites me into the bedroom. This house is really fuckin nice too. I'm kinda wondering how she offords this shit, but oh well. Off to the bedroom we go.
We are kissing etc and I'm fingering her, shes wet as fuck. She goes over to her dresser and grabs some weird vibrator, goes down on me and put the vibrator on my balls. Not gonna lie, best blowjob ever.
After maybe 10 minutes she asked me to put it in her, of course I do. So we are banging away for awhile and out of knowhere she flips over. Cool, I'll do doggy. Then she hits me with "I cant get pregnant, please put it in my ass". Well, fuck it I'm down. So I grab a lil lube and get busy. After half hour or so and a few position changes, I bust in her. It really was great sex.
Anyhow, we have another drink and she starts making us a small meal. We eat and crash out.
We had a few days off, so the next morning I left after some breakfast.
I go to work 4 days later and through the headsets, one of the crew members asks me how it was to fuck Michelle. I'm totally caught off guard, but I'm thinking they must have seen my vehicle there late and were just busting my balls.
Next thing I know the whole fuckin mill is talking about it which I found odd, but kinda funny.
Well not when I get a pat on the back, turn around and get punched square in the fuckin face. I end up fighting this dood around heavy machinery on a catwalk 4 stories up. He fuckin sucker punched me so I beat the shit out of him.
We both get called to the office over the radio and an ambulance is called for him, cops for me.
Fucking turns out she was married, had 4 kids, the dood that punched me was our head electrician and worked in the same fuckin mill.
Anyhow, I never got charged, he was ok, and everything was ok. But to this day, everytime we cross paths I get a pretty dirty look. And the asshole inside of me thinks "haha, I fucked your wife in the ass". But honestly I feel fuckin horrible about that. I had no clue. Hopefully they worked it out and it didnt effect their children's lives etc.
God damn nightmare scenario[close]
So THAT'S why you are Montana bound[close]
Lol, no, this happened when I was maybe 22 or 23. I'm 41 now
I worked with this one girl for like a year or two, and shed always flirt with me. Anyhow I had a girlfriend at the time so it was a no go.
We ended up breaking up so as said co worker flirted, i started flirting back. This lasted probably 2 months or so.
Anyways, one day she asked if i could help move a new tv into her home. So i said yeah, I'd be there about an hour after work.
I show up and shes quite done up and hands me a beer. Then another, and another. At that point I'm like "ok, let's move this tv". So we did.
Then she invites me to the backyard for drinks and i oblige. After a few more drinks, shes sitting besides me as opposed to across from me. And i dont remember exactly how it happened, but next thing you know shes on my lap and using my hands to rub her tits. At this point, I'm like "fuck yeah, I'm down".
We go inside, she invites me into the bedroom. This house is really fuckin nice too. I'm kinda wondering how she offords this shit, but oh well. Off to the bedroom we go.
We are kissing etc and I'm fingering her, shes wet as fuck. She goes over to her dresser and grabs some weird vibrator, goes down on me and put the vibrator on my balls. Not gonna lie, best blowjob ever.
After maybe 10 minutes she asked me to put it in her, of course I do. So we are banging away for awhile and out of knowhere she flips over. Cool, I'll do doggy. Then she hits me with "I cant get pregnant, please put it in my ass". Well, fuck it I'm down. So I grab a lil lube and get busy. After half hour or so and a few position changes, I bust in her. It really was great sex.
Anyhow, we have another drink and she starts making us a small meal. We eat and crash out.
We had a few days off, so the next morning I left after some breakfast.
I go to work 4 days later and through the headsets, one of the crew members asks me how it was to fuck Michelle. I'm totally caught off guard, but I'm thinking they must have seen my vehicle there late and were just busting my balls.
Next thing I know the whole fuckin mill is talking about it which I found odd, but kinda funny.
Well not when I get a pat on the back, turn around and get punched square in the fuckin face. I end up fighting this dood around heavy machinery on a catwalk 4 stories up. He fuckin sucker punched me so I beat the shit out of him.
We both get called to the office over the radio and an ambulance is called for him, cops for me.
Fucking turns out she was married, had 4 kids, the dood that punched me was our head electrician and worked in the same fuckin mill.
Anyhow, I never got charged, he was ok, and everything was ok. But to this day, everytime we cross paths I get a pretty dirty look. And the asshole inside of me thinks "haha, I fucked your wife in the ass". But honestly I feel fuckin horrible about that. I had no clue. Hopefully they worked it out and it didnt effect their children's lives etc.
God damn nightmare scenario
I worked with this one girl for like a year or two, and shed always flirt with me. Anyhow I had a girlfriend at the time so it was a no go.
We ended up breaking up so as said co worker flirted, i started flirting back. This lasted probably 2 months or so.
Anyways, one day she asked if i could help move a new tv into her home. So i said yeah, I'd be there about an hour after work.
I show up and shes quite done up and hands me a beer. Then another, and another. At that point I'm like "ok, let's move this tv". So we did.
Then she invites me to the backyard for drinks and i oblige. After a few more drinks, shes sitting besides me as opposed to across from me. And i dont remember exactly how it happened, but next thing you know shes on my lap and using my hands to rub her tits. At this point, I'm like "fuck yeah, I'm down".
We go inside, she invites me into the bedroom. This house is really fuckin nice too. I'm kinda wondering how she offords this shit, but oh well. Off to the bedroom we go.
We are kissing etc and I'm fingering her, shes wet as fuck. She goes over to her dresser and grabs some weird vibrator, goes down on me and put the vibrator on my balls. Not gonna lie, best blowjob ever.
After maybe 10 minutes she asked me to put it in her, of course I do. So we are banging away for awhile and out of knowhere she flips over. Cool, I'll do doggy. Then she hits me with "I cant get pregnant, please put it in my ass". Well, fuck it I'm down. So I grab a lil lube and get busy. After half hour or so and a few position changes, I bust in her. It really was great sex.
Anyhow, we have another drink and she starts making us a small meal. We eat and crash out.
We had a few days off, so the next morning I left after some breakfast.
I go to work 4 days later and through the headsets, one of the crew members asks me how it was to fuck Michelle. I'm totally caught off guard, but I'm thinking they must have seen my vehicle there late and were just busting my balls.
Next thing I know the whole fuckin mill is talking about it which I found odd, but kinda funny.
Well not when I get a pat on the back, turn around and get punched square in the fuckin face. I end up fighting this dood around heavy machinery on a catwalk 4 stories up. He fuckin sucker punched me so I beat the shit out of him.
We both get called to the office over the radio and an ambulance is called for him, cops for me.
Fucking turns out she was married, had 4 kids, the dood that punched me was our head electrician and worked in the same fuckin mill.
Anyhow, I never got charged, he was ok, and everything was ok. But to this day, everytime we cross paths I get a pretty dirty look. And the asshole inside of me thinks "haha, I fucked your wife in the ass". But honestly I feel fuckin horrible about that. I had no clue. Hopefully they worked it out and it didnt effect their children's lives etc.
God damn nightmare scenario
Expand QuoteI worked with this one girl for like a year or two, and shed always flirt with me. Anyhow I had a girlfriend at the time so it was a no go.
We ended up breaking up so as said co worker flirted, i started flirting back. This lasted probably 2 months or so.
Anyways, one day she asked if i could help move a new tv into her home. So i said yeah, I'd be there about an hour after work.
I show up and shes quite done up and hands me a beer. Then another, and another. At that point I'm like "ok, let's move this tv". So we did.
Then she invites me to the backyard for drinks and i oblige. After a few more drinks, shes sitting besides me as opposed to across from me. And i dont remember exactly how it happened, but next thing you know shes on my lap and using my hands to rub her tits. At this point, I'm like "fuck yeah, I'm down".
We go inside, she invites me into the bedroom. This house is really fuckin nice too. I'm kinda wondering how she offords this shit, but oh well. Off to the bedroom we go.
We are kissing etc and I'm fingering her, shes wet as fuck. She goes over to her dresser and grabs some weird vibrator, goes down on me and put the vibrator on my balls. Not gonna lie, best blowjob ever.
After maybe 10 minutes she asked me to put it in her, of course I do. So we are banging away for awhile and out of knowhere she flips over. Cool, I'll do doggy. Then she hits me with "I cant get pregnant, please put it in my ass". Well, fuck it I'm down. So I grab a lil lube and get busy. After half hour or so and a few position changes, I bust in her. It really was great sex.
Anyhow, we have another drink and she starts making us a small meal. We eat and crash out.
We had a few days off, so the next morning I left after some breakfast.
I go to work 4 days later and through the headsets, one of the crew members asks me how it was to fuck Michelle. I'm totally caught off guard, but I'm thinking they must have seen my vehicle there late and were just busting my balls.
Next thing I know the whole fuckin mill is talking about it which I found odd, but kinda funny.
Well not when I get a pat on the back, turn around and get punched square in the fuckin face. I end up fighting this dood around heavy machinery on a catwalk 4 stories up. He fuckin sucker punched me so I beat the shit out of him.
We both get called to the office over the radio and an ambulance is called for him, cops for me.
Fucking turns out she was married, had 4 kids, the dood that punched me was our head electrician and worked in the same fuckin mill.
Anyhow, I never got charged, he was ok, and everything was ok. But to this day, everytime we cross paths I get a pretty dirty look. And the asshole inside of me thinks "haha, I fucked your wife in the ass". But honestly I feel fuckin horrible about that. I had no clue. Hopefully they worked it out and it didnt effect their children's lives etc.
God damn nightmare scenario[close]
this was a great story and very well told!
i don't have anything that awkward, but i'll chuck one out there. once upon a time though i went on a trip with some friends, i smoked a lot of weed at that point but didn't do any other drugs or even drink alcohol, oh, i'd had acid, whatever...
one of my mates knew a girl where we'd traveled to and he was pretty keen on her so invited her around and she brought like 8 friends and they were all hot albeit trashy kind of girls. i'd been with some ladies at this point but only like girlfriends, i didn't really have the confidence for random hook ups, but weirdly a few of these girls seemed real into me which made me feel all sweet and gooey. they all wanted to go to this party and like i said a bunch of them seemed desperate for me to come with them - i was just gonna stay at the hotel and smoke weed, but they twisted my arm and off we went in a taxi. here's me thinking i'm about to have a foursome or something tonight...
so it turned out to be a bikie party that you couldn't leave once you were in unless you paid the bouncer dudes {free to get in, pay to get out}. i only had my card on me and there was obviously no atm at their clubhouse or whatever the fuck the place was. so anyway, the girls ditch me and the other 2 or 3 guys that went along as soon we get there and are hooking up with these dudes who are already there that seem to want to beat us up now {they're not bikies, just dude}. i really don't understand why the girls took us there, we didn't pay for the taxi, or buy them anything on the way or anything. i guess they were just having fun playing us along or something...i really don't get it.
so yeah, where are we...stuck in the bikie club, can't leave, can't even buy a beer cause it's cash only, there are some very underage looking girls dancing in cages, these dudes that want to beat us up cause their girls took us to the party and it's just all a bit fucked up.
one of my mates it turns out had some cash but instead of bailing us out of there, bought us all speed caps. so as i said, i'd only really smoked a lot of weed at this point and wasn't into partying or drugs really, but i did want to escape the situation so i said sure to these caps. i think i had three, maybe four. i guess i was hoping speed was something like weed hahaha...
thankfully the pace of things got a bit quicker and i didn't feel like i was going to be murdered in this clubhouse thing. i did start getting very chatty with all the bikie dudes, i kept wanting to shake all their hands and thank them for their hospitality, a few of them weren't very into it and kind of did seem to want to kill me, but there'd always be one of them who would acknowledge that i was the only person who was thanking them for the party - i hit one of these receptive guys up to let me out of the party [i forgot about my friends at this point] and he did. then i just ran for a long time until i happened upon this night club.
i went into the club and drank a lot of water and enjoyed the less threatening atmosphere [only time i've ever been to a nightclub]. i needed to sit down found one of those small round benches, there were already a couple sitting there, but there was an extra chair, so i asked if i could sit there and they said sure. the girl was swedish and the dude was canadian, they were just having a flirt. but my psycho speed charisma must've got the girl excited cause when the dude had to go to the toilet she quickly gave me her number and when he came back we were texting - and i was like, 'do you want to leave with me' or whatever and i guess it wasn't very subtle cause the dude was like "hey man, fuck you" and i was just like "sorry...i don't even know what's going on".
so we left, but we didn't make it very far outside cause this older dude [late 5os] was like, "fuck you've got great tits" to the swedish girl. and i was like "woah dude, settle down" and then he was all like "i could kill you, let me show you" in a real matter of fact way which made me real scared, then his sweet wife popped out from nowhere and was like "calm down dear" and then she invited Ida and i to come and sit with them on this private balcony thing outside the club, so we did. i just chatted with the wife the whole time because she was really calm and nice and very wholesome, which is all i really needed at this weird fucked out speedy point of this bizarre evening. she was really beautiful and had never done drugs so she just really interested in speaking with me about what i was experiencing and how i was feeling. to be honest i kind of fell in love with her and wanted to fuck her, maybe i could've, but maybe her husband would've killed me if i propositioned it. but yeah, so i spoke with the wife and her husband just sort of talked to Ida [just realised i've switched from 'swedish girl' to her name] about how great her tits were and how he could speak swedish [he could say like 3 words]. at some point he overheard where i was from and then asked what school i'd gone to and it turned out i went to highschool with his niece, blah blah blah. he just really wanted to fuck Ida and it was pretty gross, i think his wife and i were both pretty grossed out by him, but yeah, so she eventually helped Ida and I go on our way and stoppped him from following us or bothering us. really wonderful lady that lady.
so i was finally like, let's go to my hotel, and Ida was totally down {not sure what i was doing that was appealing}. we eventually got back there. i woke everybody staying there up. we got to where my bed was at and made out and felt up and got all hot and horny, i went down on her cause i love it and she was SO gorgeous and whatever it was just very hot. then she came to go down on me and i guess it was only then that i realised i wasn't hard at all, and kind of then that i realised that i was on stupid drugs that were fucking with my shit and that i was never going to get hard. then i apologised to her and went to collect her clothes from the foot of the bed for her, not sure how it hadn't already happened, but my bong had been sitting there the whole time and i knocked it over on her clothes. so this beautiful woman had filthy bong water all over her sexy club gear and a fucking mad man with not even a hint of an erection [still very confused that she came to hotel room in the first place or even wanted to hook up with me].
i walked her back down town and apologised about 1,ooo,ooo times. she kept kissing me and telling me it was fine, she seemed really into me... then she disappeared into the night. we never connected again and i spent the rest of the wee hours of the morning in this bar/restaraunt downtown that was obviously closed but there was this sweet old couple in there that were like cleaners. they let me drink HEAPS of water and probably just laughed at me telling them how upset i was about everything that had happened that night.
i didn't sleep for the next like 2/3 days and then had to drive like 5 hours back home.
fuck, this story is kind of not even a sexual experience. hope someone enjoyed it anyway.
TL;DR - just stay home and smoke weed.
I really really enjoyed the last few storys hahaha.
Prince my man, i could picture myself in every scenario you explained, nights like that are super strange but make for good memories/interesting stories haha If i make it up to noosa anytime soon im steering clear of any fucken biker bars.
Iusedtoskatemore, sucking on titty milk, i mean well done brother, great story.
Betaphen... how the fuck did this head electrician dude find out? Like did this wife just decide to come clean and tell her husband your name and what happened and he told everyone at work before sucker punching you? Anyway good job nailing his wife, i love it
Expand QuoteI really really enjoyed the last few storys hahaha.
Prince my man, i could picture myself in every scenario you explained, nights like that are super strange but make for good memories/interesting stories haha If i make it up to noosa anytime soon im steering clear of any fucken biker bars.
Iusedtoskatemore, sucking on titty milk, i mean well done brother, great story.
Betaphen... how the fuck did this head electrician dude find out? Like did this wife just decide to come clean and tell her husband your name and what happened and he told everyone at work before sucker punching you? Anyway good job nailing his wife, i love it[close]
He was the head electrician in the mill, everyone has headsets so while people were blasting me on the channel he was fuckin hearing all of it. Remember I had zero clue she was fucking married and had kids lol, if I was him a would have tried to kick my ass too. I mean I was embarrassed, imagine how he felt? He just found out at work that a co worker plowed his wife at the same time as about 250 other employees...
I really really enjoyed the last few storys hahaha.
Prince my man, i could picture myself in every scenario you explained, nights like that are super strange but make for good memories/interesting stories haha If i make it up to noosa anytime soon im steering clear of any fucken biker bars.
Iusedtoskatemore, sucking on titty milk, i mean well done brother, great story.
Betaphen... how the fuck did this head electrician dude find out? Like did this wife just decide to come clean and tell her husband your name and what happened and he told everyone at work before sucker punching you? Anyway good job nailing his wife, i love it
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI really really enjoyed the last few storys hahaha.
Prince my man, i could picture myself in every scenario you explained, nights like that are super strange but make for good memories/interesting stories haha If i make it up to noosa anytime soon im steering clear of any fucken biker bars.
Iusedtoskatemore, sucking on titty milk, i mean well done brother, great story.
Betaphen... how the fuck did this head electrician dude find out? Like did this wife just decide to come clean and tell her husband your name and what happened and he told everyone at work before sucker punching you? Anyway good job nailing his wife, i love it[close]
He was the head electrician in the mill, everyone has headsets so while people were blasting me on the channel he was fuckin hearing all of it. Remember I had zero clue she was fucking married and had kids lol, if I was him a would have tried to kick my ass too. I mean I was embarrassed, imagine how he felt? He just found out at work that a co worker plowed his wife at the same time as about 250 other employees...[close]
Hahah fuckkk man thats so brutal, i cant even imagine having to see that dude every day at work after that. Props though, i love storys like that, on the plus side she didnt squeeze any titty milk in your eyes
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI really really enjoyed the last few storys hahaha.
Prince my man, i could picture myself in every scenario you explained, nights like that are super strange but make for good memories/interesting stories haha If i make it up to noosa anytime soon im steering clear of any fucken biker bars.
Iusedtoskatemore, sucking on titty milk, i mean well done brother, great story.
Betaphen... how the fuck did this head electrician dude find out? Like did this wife just decide to come clean and tell her husband your name and what happened and he told everyone at work before sucker punching you? Anyway good job nailing his wife, i love it[close]
He was the head electrician in the mill, everyone has headsets so while people were blasting me on the channel he was fuckin hearing all of it. Remember I had zero clue she was fucking married and had kids lol, if I was him a would have tried to kick my ass too. I mean I was embarrassed, imagine how he felt? He just found out at work that a co worker plowed his wife at the same time as about 250 other employees...[close]
Hahah fuckkk man thats so brutal, i cant even imagine having to see that dude every day at work after that. Props though, i love storys like that, on the plus side she didnt squeeze any titty milk in your eyes[close]
Lol, it was pretty bad for maybe two months or so. Then I went on vacation and two days before returning to work, I got a phone call that weyerhaueser had sold the mill and wood rights to another company, and everyone was laid of right then and there.
That sucked but it was cool too, I guess they had negotiated that the new company had to pay our salaries for one year in a lump sum. So the day I got laid off I also got 90 grand and another 5 grand in stocks. Pretty badass way to lose your job
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI really really enjoyed the last few storys hahaha.
Prince my man, i could picture myself in every scenario you explained, nights like that are super strange but make for good memories/interesting stories haha If i make it up to noosa anytime soon im steering clear of any fucken biker bars.
Iusedtoskatemore, sucking on titty milk, i mean well done brother, great story.
Betaphen... how the fuck did this head electrician dude find out? Like did this wife just decide to come clean and tell her husband your name and what happened and he told everyone at work before sucker punching you? Anyway good job nailing his wife, i love it[close]
He was the head electrician in the mill, everyone has headsets so while people were blasting me on the channel he was fuckin hearing all of it. Remember I had zero clue she was fucking married and had kids lol, if I was him a would have tried to kick my ass too. I mean I was embarrassed, imagine how he felt? He just found out at work that a co worker plowed his wife at the same time as about 250 other employees...[close]
Hahah fuckkk man thats so brutal, i cant even imagine having to see that dude every day at work after that. Props though, i love storys like that, on the plus side she didnt squeeze any titty milk in your eyes[close]
Lol, it was pretty bad for maybe two months or so. Then I went on vacation and two days before returning to work, I got a phone call that weyerhaueser had sold the mill and wood rights to another company, and everyone was laid of right then and there.
That sucked but it was cool too, I guess they had negotiated that the new company had to pay our salaries for one year in a lump sum. So the day I got laid off I also got 90 grand and another 5 grand in stocks. Pretty badass way to lose your job[close]
95k out of nowhere like hard-boiled eggs on Easter
Milf with 4 kids still has a SLAP PAL-ruined keister
Sooo much quality here I love it, loved the mill one
Man I always wanted to try titmilk, heard it’s mad watery
Cheesecake over bangs is ultor power move, respect
Sick cunt Prince, I fucken love eating box, how good is it
You’re taking about the lads with the confederate flag yeah? I used to drink at the other one in Albion a long time ago
Did you check out tea trees? That’s the best part of Noosa, mate
Sooo much quality here I love it, loved the mill one
Man I always wanted to try titmilk, heard it’s mad watery
Cheesecake over bangs is ultor power move, respect
Sick cunt Prince, I fucken love eating box, how good is it
You’re taking about the lads with the confederate flag yeah? I used to drink at the other one in Albion a long time ago
Did you check out tea trees? That’s the best part of Noosa, mate
This took place in Australia, in Noosa to be exact.very Australia! Very Noosa, very bogan with exotic tourists, good job!
Expand QuoteSooo much quality here I love it, loved the mill one
Man I always wanted to try titmilk, heard it’s mad watery
Cheesecake over bangs is ultor power move, respect
Sick cunt Prince, I fucken love eating box, how good is it
You’re taking about the lads with the confederate flag yeah? I used to drink at the other one in Albion a long time ago
Did you check out tea trees? That’s the best part of Noosa, mate[close]
ya, I don't remember how watery it was but it was really, really sweet.
I asked this girl to smoke weed right after Christmas. Last time we just smoked and made out for a few hours. I sorta didn’t want to go because I had gone on a date with a girl I was more attracted to and felt bad but had already canceled before so I went. So we smoke and after enough conversation so I didn’t feel like a dick just looking to score we made out. Again for a few hours but she’s a bit bigger than me so after last time my butt hurt for hours oh my. I had to just stay standing up because of the pain. This time though wasn’t so bad but she actually started reaching for my dick a few times so I thought tonight we’d actually do the deed. I enjoy enthusiastic consent so I don’t really push things I’d rather a girl give me the green light to progress. Nothing from her but I got too excited and when she got on top I came in my pants. She didn’t notice luckily and we just made out for another hour or so. I was pretty cold and wet down there. Wish I could say it’s the first time I’ve gone home in cum stained pants...
That's amazing. Do you mind me asking about how old you are?I’m 24
Why do I keep torturing myself with this thread?
this ones a bit rough on my part but here goes. i was working at this skateshop and one of my coworkers is this kind of... chubby, loudmouth, " 'Merica" kind of chick but she snowboards and tries to skate and we have a bunch of mutuals so whatever. one night at another one of our friends birthday parties we end up hooking up. not really a big deal but we have to work together a few days later. not that bad. after work we have a conversation and i tell her that i dont really want to do it again and i think we should just be friends. all good, she's mature about it- no big deal.
cut to almost every drunken night in the next month and we were just fucking all the time. i cant explain this chicks libido- like she just wants me all the time and as soon as im drunk, im down. we start to actually become pretty good friends but i still insist on telling her that its only a benefits kind of relationship. she still says she's ok with it but gradually i see her facade start to crack.
at this point im living in a real dingy little apartment and i find out that i have bedbugs. fuck. i tell her and she washes her sheets and cleans and thank god i didnt give her bedbugs but now i need to find a place to live. she graciously offers to let me live with her for a while until i can find a new place and turns out she is actually leaving town for a while back to 'Merica
and she even offers to let me drive her vehicle the entire time she's gone! hell ya im gassed.
she leaves. i have her car.
a couple weeks later i end up making out with this absolute amazonian woman. 6'2 big boned and like 10 years older than me. we go to our friends place and (not)sneakily go and hook up in their bathroom. it was messy. but she wont shut up about how im a good kisser and she wants to see me again yadda yadda. the next day i see her at a bar and the friend i drove (the other chicks car) to the bar with takes off with his girlfriend.
so now im left alone with this chick sitting in the booth at a public bar and she is all over me- embarrassing the shit out of me, like yo, people are staring directly at me as she is fully trying to grab my dick and saying we should go to the bathroom. me being the absolute class act that i am say- "nah we cant fuck in a bathroom again, lets go to your house" and she says "I cant my boyfriend is there"... fuck.
after some time i cave- and say fuck it i have a car parked a couple blocks from the bar. we go to the car and have the most messy, drunk, car sex parked on the side of the road with people walking by and a dude on his porch just smoking ciggies and straight watching the show. shes like half in the back half in the front- small car- big girl- people watching. i can barely get hard but we make it work. anyways- whatever.
the chick who owns the car gets back a week later and were driving around. she pulls over and shes like... lets fuck in my car. im not really into it but i say alright and we end up fucking. its easier this time as this girl isnt as tall but she sits back in the drivers seat afterwads, leans back and says:
"that was great, ive always wanted to have sex in this car"
I'm speechless.
she looks at me and says...
"Wait... have you ever had sex in this car?"
. Once I was alone I just laid on the futon listening to Leonard Cohen and thinking about the other girl I liked and missed.
Not really awkward, but just got laid while watching Verso. Obviously did it forward and thenreversereverso
Not really awkward, but just got laid while watching Verso. Obviously did it forward and then reverseswitch back lip
Sounds more like an IUD
I end up feeling a piercing inside her vagina. We do the deed and luckily my penis did not come out pierced or bleeding.
IUD sis stay in school coz it’s the bestI think you might be my favorite poster Matty.
So I match with a girl on tinder and she’s down for me to come over the same night to smoke weed. I go over and we smoke for a bit and I’m not really attracted to her but we keep talking and I decide to make a move when her dog leaves the bed and we make out for a bit. I ask her if she wants to have sex and she’s down but I don’t have a condom. She finds a single condom and off we go. She goes down on me but I’m really wanting to have a go so I tell her to get the condom. She hands it to me and I try to put it on but her head game was really good and the condom was really tight so as I tried to roll it down it but I can’t. The whole time I’m hard and thinking don’t cum don’t cum so of course after a couple of tries of rolling it down I cum. I was blown. I really wanted to have sex but she was ok about it and didn’t make it any worse. I came home defeated but I woke up and texted her right away if she was down to finish what we started. This time I bring my own condoms but then when I’m fingering her this time I end up feeling a piercing inside her vagina. It really trips me up but only after. We do the deed and luckily my penis did not come out pierced or bleeding.
man tinder seems like such a waste of time. usually either get nothing, or theres few messages and then ghost. Granted ive dated a few girls off there. But never really been a hookup app to me.
How do you go from match to instant hookup like that?
Expand QuoteSounds more like an IUD[close]
Ah yes, Improvised Urethra Device
man tinder seems like such a waste of time. usually either get nothing, or theres few messages and then ghost. Granted ive dated a few girls off there. But never really been a hookup app to me.You have to do some sort of activity but if she invites you over you pretty much just wait for a sign sometimes it’s nonverbal like a lingering look. Sometimes I just ask if I can kiss her.
How do you go from match to instant hookup like that?
How do you go from match to instant hookup like that?
man tinder seems like such a waste of time. usually either get nothing, or theres few messages and then ghost. Granted ive dated a few girls off there. But never really been a hookup app to me.
How do you go from match to instant hookup like that?
I just hooked up with another tinder match. I think it was obvious when she said she’s very toned from running so when we hung out I just waited to for any physical signs and she just seemed to get closer to me. At some point she got real close and that’s when you kiss her.Expand Quoteman tinder seems like such a waste of time. usually either get nothing, or theres few messages and then ghost. Granted ive dated a few girls off there. But never really been a hookup app to me.
How do you go from match to instant hookup like that?[close]
yeah i actually missed the whole tinder thing, never had it myself. When it first became popular i was always seeing a girl or didnt really have enough dry spells to consider tinder and ive been in a relationship for almost four years now so its looking like ill never get the experience the instant tinder hook ups
but when do you tell her that you're still dating a youtube video of extremely aesthetically satisfying skateboardingMy tinder bio says in an open relationship with my skateboard so they already know.
Bump
I was having sex while the TV was on and the song Word Up by Cameo came on. I really had to focus and power through while having that song play in the background.
Bump
I was having sex while the TV was on and the song Word Up by Cameo came on. I really had to focus and power through while having that song play in the background.
Expand QuoteBump
I was having sex while the TV was on and the song Word Up by Cameo came on. I really had to focus and power through while having that song play in the background.[close]
YALL PRETTY LAYDEEZ AROUND DA WERLD
Sure that wasnt a dog?
I was with a girl for like 2 or so years, and on my deployment she was cheating on me, so I did too after I got back. I would say we were in an open relationship but neither of us knew it, because we were too chicken shit to break up or tell each other.
This is around 2014, and my good friend was on tinder and just swiping and sorting later (as one does) and he sent me a screen shot asking if I knew my girlfriend was on tinder, I was heated she matched with my buddy. But, he text me that while I was in tinder and about ten minutes later I swiped yes on her tinder and we didn’t match.
I don't know what it is about ladies in their mid 30s but they seem to be hell bent on going crazy the first time around.
Almost got my dick broken off the other night by some lady. She was on top and not being careful at all. She was trying to go up to the tip and then slam back down. She goes too far (of course), I slip out, she slams back down and she nearly breaks my dick.
It fucking hurt and I was scared I was going to have to go to the hospital.
It doesn't have to slamming into each other as hard as possible to be fun.
I don't know what it is about ladies in their mid 30s but they seem to be hell bent on going crazy the first time around.
Almost got my dick broken off the other night by some lady. She was on top and not being careful at all. She was trying to go up to the tip and then slam back down. She goes too far (of course), I slip out, she slams back down and she nearly breaks my dick.
It fucking hurt and I was scared I was going to have to go to the hospital.
It doesn't have to slamming into each other as hard as possible to be fun.
Expand QuoteI don't know what it is about ladies in their mid 30s but they seem to be hell bent on going crazy the first time around.
Almost got my dick broken off the other night by some lady. She was on top and not being careful at all. She was trying to go up to the tip and then slam back down. She goes too far (of course), I slip out, she slams back down and she nearly breaks my dick.
It fucking hurt and I was scared I was going to have to go to the hospital.
It doesn't have to slamming into each other as hard as possible to be fun.[close]
Damn that sounds awful. I really have a heavy distaste for women that go too hard without asking and surprisingly i've encountered it a lot. I say 'surprisingly' because usually it's women that have this complaint about men.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI don't know what it is about ladies in their mid 30s but they seem to be hell bent on going crazy the first time around.
Almost got my dick broken off the other night by some lady. She was on top and not being careful at all. She was trying to go up to the tip and then slam back down. She goes too far (of course), I slip out, she slams back down and she nearly breaks my dick.
It fucking hurt and I was scared I was going to have to go to the hospital.
It doesn't have to slamming into each other as hard as possible to be fun.[close]
Damn that sounds awful. I really have a heavy distaste for women that go too hard without asking and surprisingly i've encountered it a lot. I say 'surprisingly' because usually it's women that have this complaint about men.[close]
yeah same, i'm always surprised how rough most women i met are. i dislike hand and blowjobs and i think it's also due to having horrible experiences with them since 9/10 people suck at them and go way too hard on that johnson or even the balls. one chick seriously flicked my balls once while foreplaying. she said she was unaware that if you flick a certain part of them it hurts all through out your belly and stuff. nah bitch you did that on purpose because you're a sadist, i heard you giggle after i yelled out in pain.
I feel like mach 11 handies are kinda like talking shit on a hometown or a family member. Only I'm allowed to do it because only I know what I'm doing.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI don't know what it is about ladies in their mid 30s but they seem to be hell bent on going crazy the first time around.
Almost got my dick broken off the other night by some lady. She was on top and not being careful at all. She was trying to go up to the tip and then slam back down. She goes too far (of course), I slip out, she slams back down and she nearly breaks my dick.
It fucking hurt and I was scared I was going to have to go to the hospital.
It doesn't have to slamming into each other as hard as possible to be fun.[close]
Damn that sounds awful. I really have a heavy distaste for women that go too hard without asking and surprisingly i've encountered it a lot. I say 'surprisingly' because usually it's women that have this complaint about men.[close]
yeah same, i'm always surprised how rough most women i met are. i dislike hand and blowjobs and i think it's also due to having horrible experiences with them since 9/10 people suck at them and go way too hard on that johnson or even the balls. one chick seriously flicked my balls once while foreplaying. she said she was unaware that if you flick a certain part of them it hurts all through out your belly and stuff. nah bitch you did that on purpose because you're a sadist, i heard you giggle after i yelled out in pain.[close]
A surprise flick wouldn't be cool at all.
And, yeah, the tug as hard as you can no lube handjob is not enjoyable. I'm surprised at this age it is still a thing. Like in HS of course no one is going to know what they're doing, but by age 30 I feel most women should have some understanding that high powered rug burn hand jobs aren't enjoyable.
@Sila yeah, I've heard so many women complain about being jack hammered, I'm not sure why so many do the same back to us.
Like, what do they think dudes do when they jerk off? Do they imagine us ripping the skin off as we are slamming our fists down our cocks and onto our balls as hard as we can? Like some sort of cartoon caveman?
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI don't know what it is about ladies in their mid 30s but they seem to be hell bent on going crazy the first time around.
Almost got my dick broken off the other night by some lady. She was on top and not being careful at all. She was trying to go up to the tip and then slam back down. She goes too far (of course), I slip out, she slams back down and she nearly breaks my dick.
It fucking hurt and I was scared I was going to have to go to the hospital.
It doesn't have to slamming into each other as hard as possible to be fun.[close]
Damn that sounds awful. I really have a heavy distaste for women that go too hard without asking and surprisingly i've encountered it a lot. I say 'surprisingly' because usually it's women that have this complaint about men.[close]
yeah same, i'm always surprised how rough most women i met are. i dislike hand and blowjobs and i think it's also due to having horrible experiences with them since 9/10 people suck at them and go way too hard on that johnson or even the balls. one chick seriously flicked my balls once while foreplaying. she said she was unaware that if you flick a certain part of them it hurts all through out your belly and stuff. nah bitch you did that on purpose because you're a sadist, i heard you giggle after i yelled out in pain.[close]
A surprise flick wouldn't be cool at all.
And, yeah, the tug as hard as you can no lube handjob is not enjoyable. I'm surprised at this age it is still a thing. Like in HS of course no one is going to know what they're doing, but by age 30 I feel most women should have some understanding that high powered rug burn hand jobs aren't enjoyable.
@Sila yeah, I've heard so many women complain about being jack hammered, I'm not sure why so many do the same back to us.
Like, what do they think dudes do when they jerk off? Do they imagine us ripping the skin off as we are slamming our fists down our cocks and onto our balls as hard as we can? Like some sort of cartoon caveman?
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI don't know what it is about ladies in their mid 30s but they seem to be hell bent on going crazy the first time around.
Almost got my dick broken off the other night by some lady. She was on top and not being careful at all. She was trying to go up to the tip and then slam back down. She goes too far (of course), I slip out, she slams back down and she nearly breaks my dick.
It fucking hurt and I was scared I was going to have to go to the hospital.
It doesn't have to slamming into each other as hard as possible to be fun.[close]
Damn that sounds awful. I really have a heavy distaste for women that go too hard without asking and surprisingly i've encountered it a lot. I say 'surprisingly' because usually it's women that have this complaint about men.[close]
yeah same, i'm always surprised how rough most women i met are. i dislike hand and blowjobs and i think it's also due to having horrible experiences with them since 9/10 people suck at them and go way too hard on that johnson or even the balls. one chick seriously flicked my balls once while foreplaying. she said she was unaware that if you flick a certain part of them it hurts all through out your belly and stuff. nah bitch you did that on purpose because you're a sadist, i heard you giggle after i yelled out in pain.
I got one for you guy’s, as I’ve been bitching about being sad and lonely.
I’ve been on a Tinder and OKcupid fuck streak. Damn hoes being throwing that pussy at me, it’s been nice so far but I’m kinda trying to be a better person and not dishonest with my intentions.
That being said I had this thick hairdresser broad try and wrap me up in a weird Jerry Springer situation, her baby daddy is married to a ridiculously obese woman who sucks, she’s got a 3 year old girl who she’ll pawn off which is fine whatever.
Here’s the clencher so we get to fucking and stuff and she’s in to the kinky shit like tie me up and breed me……. Creampie me Creampie me and I have to admit it’s kinda hot I blow my load and I’m spent so we go for round two a half hour later and her hideous friend wants to join too and mind you the hairdresser gals a Tennessee 7 her friend though not at all…….
So I make up an excuse and bounce, I wrote this elaborate well thought out idea of hey I don’t want to rush anything but I’m not so sure about your living arrangement and I’m not okay with polyamory at all but I wish you the best of luck but you deserve better than me and I’m out.
I get 30+ phones calls and several drive byes of her car and finally I had to tell her to fuck off I’m not trying to get in a situation where it’s sketchy at all.
Jesus Murphy that’s awesome, I would’ve tried to possibly do it in the shower, just saying it could’ve been a little weird but you’d have tagged it and bagged it, just saying….Expand QuoteI got one for you guy’s, as I’ve been bitching about being sad and lonely.
I’ve been on a Tinder and OKcupid fuck streak. Damn hoes being throwing that pussy at me, it’s been nice so far but I’m kinda trying to be a better person and not dishonest with my intentions.
That being said I had this thick hairdresser broad try and wrap me up in a weird Jerry Springer situation, her baby daddy is married to a ridiculously obese woman who sucks, she’s got a 3 year old girl who she’ll pawn off which is fine whatever.
Here’s the clencher so we get to fucking and stuff and she’s in to the kinky shit like tie me up and breed me……. Creampie me Creampie me and I have to admit it’s kinda hot I blow my load and I’m spent so we go for round two a half hour later and her hideous friend wants to join too and mind you the hairdresser gals a Tennessee 7 her friend though not at all…….
So I make up an excuse and bounce, I wrote this elaborate well thought out idea of hey I don’t want to rush anything but I’m not so sure about your living arrangement and I’m not okay with polyamory at all but I wish you the best of luck but you deserve better than me and I’m out.
I get 30+ phones calls and several drive byes of her car and finally I had to tell her to fuck off I’m not trying to get in a situation where it’s sketchy at all.[close]
Yikes lol Think you dodged a bullet on that one, homie. Cooking up some b.s. excuse and bouncing on sex is always awkward no matter what the circumstances lol Reminded me of a little story of my own to share:
So, in 2019, me and my girlfriend of 5 years broke up. It was a bit of a contentious break up, so I didn’t feel too bad about immediately hitting the Tinder not too long after, mainly just out of spite and self reassurance, which are horrible reasons, but I was in a bad headspace. So one of the girls I match with happens to be this super attractive hipster girl that worked at a local record shop I go to often. We make a plan to hang out at her house, chill, eat, whatever. I show up, she puts on a Tears for Fears greatest hits record, and we start messing around. I get to taking her pants off and, holy fucking shit, the most absolute rank, otherworldly stench emerged out of her underwear . It was absolutely sickening; keep in mind, this wasn’t just the average stank that occurs while your fucking, or even the smell of hardcore b.o. or crotch sweat. I don’t even know how to describe it other than it smelled clinical, like a gynecologist needed to intervene on this one. So I try to keep the momentum up and finish the job, but the smell was just PERMEATING the room. I couldn’t keep the ol’ jim dog up for the life of me, and even gagged a bit while her back was turned. Finally I had to pump the brakes, came up with a crappy story about how I “just wasn’t ready” so soon after breaking up with my girlfriend. Made me feel like total shit, but I was backed into a corner. To her credit, she was super nice about it, made us coffee and we just watched a little T.V. before I left, and am happy to say, we are still friends. Drove home in complete silence with myself. When I finally got in my house, I just started laughing my ass off about the absurdity of the situation that just took place. It was quite an afternoon.
I just chuckle to myself when I hear Tears for Fears now.
Jesus Murphy that’s awesome, I would’ve tried to possibly do it in the shower, just saying it could’ve been a little weird but you’d have tagged it and bagged it, just saying….Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI got one for you guy’s, as I’ve been bitching about being sad and lonely.
I’ve been on a Tinder and OKcupid fuck streak. Damn hoes being throwing that pussy at me, it’s been nice so far but I’m kinda trying to be a better person and not dishonest with my intentions.
That being said I had this thick hairdresser broad try and wrap me up in a weird Jerry Springer situation, her baby daddy is married to a ridiculously obese woman who sucks, she’s got a 3 year old girl who she’ll pawn off which is fine whatever.
Here’s the clencher so we get to fucking and stuff and she’s in to the kinky shit like tie me up and breed me……. Creampie me Creampie me and I have to admit it’s kinda hot I blow my load and I’m spent so we go for round two a half hour later and her hideous friend wants to join too and mind you the hairdresser gals a Tennessee 7 her friend though not at all…….
So I make up an excuse and bounce, I wrote this elaborate well thought out idea of hey I don’t want to rush anything but I’m not so sure about your living arrangement and I’m not okay with polyamory at all but I wish you the best of luck but you deserve better than me and I’m out.
I get 30+ phones calls and several drive byes of her car and finally I had to tell her to fuck off I’m not trying to get in a situation where it’s sketchy at all.[close]
Yikes lol Think you dodged a bullet on that one, homie. Cooking up some b.s. excuse and bouncing on sex is always awkward no matter what the circumstances lol Reminded me of a little story of my own to share:
So, in 2019, me and my girlfriend of 5 years broke up. It was a bit of a contentious break up, so I didn’t feel too bad about immediately hitting the Tinder not too long after, mainly just out of spite and self reassurance, which are horrible reasons, but I was in a bad headspace. So one of the girls I match with happens to be this super attractive hipster girl that worked at a local record shop I go to often. We make a plan to hang out at her house, chill, eat, whatever. I show up, she puts on a Tears for Fears greatest hits record, and we start messing around. I get to taking her pants off and, holy fucking shit, the most absolute rank, otherworldly stench emerged out of her underwear . It was absolutely sickening; keep in mind, this wasn’t just the average stank that occurs while your fucking, or even the smell of hardcore b.o. or crotch sweat. I don’t even know how to describe it other than it smelled clinical, like a gynecologist needed to intervene on this one. So I try to keep the momentum up and finish the job, but the smell was just PERMEATING the room. I couldn’t keep the ol’ jim dog up for the life of me, and even gagged a bit while her back was turned. Finally I had to pump the brakes, came up with a crappy story about how I “just wasn’t ready” so soon after breaking up with my girlfriend. Made me feel like total shit, but I was backed into a corner. To her credit, she was super nice about it, made us coffee and we just watched a little T.V. before I left, and am happy to say, we are still friends. Drove home in complete silence with myself. When I finally got in my house, I just started laughing my ass off about the absurdity of the situation that just took place. It was quite an afternoon.
I just chuckle to myself when I hear Tears for Fears now.[close]
On the other hand if it was clinical you probably saved your Jim Dog from getting some unwanted friends……
Honestly the hairdresser wasn’t too bad looking just I wouldn’t want to kick it with her weird fucked up friends, have you ever walked in to a gals house or say a homies house and it’s an absolute nightmare of a pig stye?
On top of that a 3 year old is there too? Nah dog I’m not living that bum lifestyle anymore, what kinda examples are you setting for your kid? Not only that but for fucks sake 4 people in a one bedroom apartment? Nah I’m good glad I bounced out of the situation, lol.
I didn’t tell her to her face as I know she’ll lose her shit but I wrote a good long concise statement that I’m not ready for a relationship and I’m not trying to be in that polyamory relationship shit.
Yeah I’m glad I took care and caution when I broke the news, I don’t want any weird feelings or some sketchy people following me.Expand QuoteJesus Murphy that’s awesome, I would’ve tried to possibly do it in the shower, just saying it could’ve been a little weird but you’d have tagged it and bagged it, just saying….Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI got one for you guy’s, as I’ve been bitching about being sad and lonely.
I’ve been on a Tinder and OKcupid fuck streak. Damn hoes being throwing that pussy at me, it’s been nice so far but I’m kinda trying to be a better person and not dishonest with my intentions.
That being said I had this thick hairdresser broad try and wrap me up in a weird Jerry Springer situation, her baby daddy is married to a ridiculously obese woman who sucks, she’s got a 3 year old girl who she’ll pawn off which is fine whatever.
Here’s the clencher so we get to fucking and stuff and she’s in to the kinky shit like tie me up and breed me……. Creampie me Creampie me and I have to admit it’s kinda hot I blow my load and I’m spent so we go for round two a half hour later and her hideous friend wants to join too and mind you the hairdresser gals a Tennessee 7 her friend though not at all…….
So I make up an excuse and bounce, I wrote this elaborate well thought out idea of hey I don’t want to rush anything but I’m not so sure about your living arrangement and I’m not okay with polyamory at all but I wish you the best of luck but you deserve better than me and I’m out.
I get 30+ phones calls and several drive byes of her car and finally I had to tell her to fuck off I’m not trying to get in a situation where it’s sketchy at all.[close]
Yikes lol Think you dodged a bullet on that one, homie. Cooking up some b.s. excuse and bouncing on sex is always awkward no matter what the circumstances lol Reminded me of a little story of my own to share:
So, in 2019, me and my girlfriend of 5 years broke up. It was a bit of a contentious break up, so I didn’t feel too bad about immediately hitting the Tinder not too long after, mainly just out of spite and self reassurance, which are horrible reasons, but I was in a bad headspace. So one of the girls I match with happens to be this super attractive hipster girl that worked at a local record shop I go to often. We make a plan to hang out at her house, chill, eat, whatever. I show up, she puts on a Tears for Fears greatest hits record, and we start messing around. I get to taking her pants off and, holy fucking shit, the most absolute rank, otherworldly stench emerged out of her underwear . It was absolutely sickening; keep in mind, this wasn’t just the average stank that occurs while your fucking, or even the smell of hardcore b.o. or crotch sweat. I don’t even know how to describe it other than it smelled clinical, like a gynecologist needed to intervene on this one. So I try to keep the momentum up and finish the job, but the smell was just PERMEATING the room. I couldn’t keep the ol’ jim dog up for the life of me, and even gagged a bit while her back was turned. Finally I had to pump the brakes, came up with a crappy story about how I “just wasn’t ready” so soon after breaking up with my girlfriend. Made me feel like total shit, but I was backed into a corner. To her credit, she was super nice about it, made us coffee and we just watched a little T.V. before I left, and am happy to say, we are still friends. Drove home in complete silence with myself. When I finally got in my house, I just started laughing my ass off about the absurdity of the situation that just took place. It was quite an afternoon.
I just chuckle to myself when I hear Tears for Fears now.[close]
On the other hand if it was clinical you probably saved your Jim Dog from getting some unwanted friends……
Honestly the hairdresser wasn’t too bad looking just I wouldn’t want to kick it with her weird fucked up friends, have you ever walked in to a gals house or say a homies house and it’s an absolute nightmare of a pig stye?
On top of that a 3 year old is there too? Nah dog I’m not living that bum lifestyle anymore, what kinda examples are you setting for your kid? Not only that but for fucks sake 4 people in a one bedroom apartment? Nah I’m good glad I bounced out of the situation, lol.
I didn’t tell her to her face as I know she’ll lose her shit but I wrote a good long concise statement that I’m not ready for a relationship and I’m not trying to be in that polyamory relationship shit.[close]
Yeah dude, honestly, I’m glad I didn’t get too much done there, the smell was just more than I think anybody could handle, it was hellacious. Whatever was going on, it definitely wasn’t your everyday musk, it completely caught me off guard. Shower might have been an option, but I don’t know, this really, really didn’t seem like something you could just wash off or try to mask. I was really just relieved that I was able to bail pretty easily without making it too weird, though. Super cool chick.
Sounds like you straight up almost walked into a horror movie scenario, man, my hat is off to you. I’ve had some friends in the past who lived in squalor, but they were all like burnout dudes, never cute hairdressers with 3 year olds romping around and weird, grody friends trying to force themselves into a three way. Four people in a one bedroom apartment is just asking for trouble. I’m glad you were able to duck that nut job driving past your house and blowing up your phone all of those times, dude, that’s absolute psycho shit, even after you tried to let her down in a genuine, non confrontational fashion. Some people just can’t take a hint, I guess lol
When I was about 12 years old, I was kicking it at my friends house and his older brother says he has some chick cruising over and then says we can hide in the closet when he bones her. We are young, stupid and curious so we are like "sure, this is gonna be awesome!" He then tells us that we don't even have to be quiet because the chick is deaf. So the chick shows up and we take off to go hide in the closet. A few minutes later they come into the room and start doing the deed and because this chick is deaf, she can't hear a thing, not even herself! She starts yelling things like "FAWK ME, FAWK ME!" super loud in that way that deaf people speak. My friend and I can't contain ourselves, we start busting up and laughing so hard and his brother is just trying to nut but can't. He can hear us laughing in the closet and I can hear him laughing too, cause this chick is just so loud and the tone of her voice is just hilarious! Eventually, they finish up and the chick wants to hang around but I can hear the brother trying to make excuses as to why she has to go and gets her to leave. Then he busts into the closet talking all kinds of shit to us... "What the fuck! You guys are assholes, you guys make too much noise!" and stuff like that. I was laughing so hard my gut was sore and I had tears running down my face. My friends brother was trying to be a hard ass but he sees me laughing so hard, he keeps trying to yell at me but just starts laughing and can't stay in tough guy mode.
I've had plenty of sex the past two years, but I haven't cum from sex since 2019, and before that I think it was at least a year or two too. I think I can count the amount of times I've cum from sex since 2011 on two hands. I used to be worried it was death grips or too much porn, but I've tried giving up both up for weeks and it's still the same. It used to be weird but now I'm so used to it. Still, I wonder what's up.
Expand QuoteI've had plenty of sex the past two years, but I haven't cum from sex since 2019, and before that I think it was at least a year or two too. I think I can count the amount of times I've cum from sex since 2011 on two hands. I used to be worried it was death grips or too much porn, but I've tried giving up both up for weeks and it's still the same. It used to be weird but now I'm so used to it. Still, I wonder what's up.[close]
You save up your juice before going into it? Yet still? I guess also really you don’t have to ejaculate, unless you want to. You drink water and eat fruit too?
When I was 20 I got caught eating butt in the front seat of a 1988 Honda Accord by a cop.Would gnar, much respek
When I was 20 I got caught eating butt in the front seat of a 1988 Honda Accord by a cop.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI've had plenty of sex the past two years, but I haven't cum from sex since 2019, and before that I think it was at least a year or two too. I think I can count the amount of times I've cum from sex since 2011 on two hands. I used to be worried it was death grips or too much porn, but I've tried giving up both up for weeks and it's still the same. It used to be weird but now I'm so used to it. Still, I wonder what's up.[close]
You save up your juice before going into it? Yet still? I guess also really you don’t have to ejaculate, unless you want to. You drink water and eat fruit too?[close]
Yeah, all that, didn't make a difference only I was more horny. I might give it another go though, it's been a couple of years. Might go a couple days or a week without looking at porn or jacking off, stick with the cardio and water and see how I get on.
@jgonzalez i reclined all the way back and removed the headrest (I’m a tall dude) and rested my head on the backseat. She was on her knees in the backseat facing out the back window and she was only like 5’3. Once my head was on the backseat, she startled my head and used my face like a bicycle seat.
Was having sex in a hammock once and somehow accidentally nutted into my hoodie pocket
(https://i.ibb.co/NS0V7R2/5-A9-FB247-5-E9-C-48-D7-90-AD-1-FD93-FDF7-B34.jpg)
Found your truck @Freelancevagrant
(https://ibb.co/xHnC3Zq)
(https://i.ibb.co/NS0V7R2/5-A9-FB247-5-E9-C-48-D7-90-AD-1-FD93-FDF7-B34.jpg)
Found your truck @Freelancevagrant
(https://ibb.co/xHnC3Zq)
(https://i.ibb.co/NS0V7R2/5-A9-FB247-5-E9-C-48-D7-90-AD-1-FD93-FDF7-B34.jpg)
Found your truck @Freelancevagrant
(https://ibb.co/xHnC3Zq)
Had someone over the other night, had really great (and really sweaty) sex, changed the bed sheets because they were soaking wet, ordered some pizza, scrolling through netflix lounging around, then started going at it again, so a couple minutes later when I got a knock on my bedroom door from my housemate to give me our pizza it was a bit of a surprise.
Bet that shit was a stuff crust afterwardsExpand QuoteHad someone over the other night, had really great (and really sweaty) sex, changed the bed sheets because they were soaking wet, ordered some pizza, scrolling through netflix lounging around, then started going at it again, so a couple minutes later when I got a knock on my bedroom door from my housemate to give me our pizza it was a bit of a surprise.[close]
your room mate was probably listening at your door pulling his small pepperoni while holding your large pepperoni pizza
Bet that shit was a stuff crust afterwardsExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHad someone over the other night, had really great (and really sweaty) sex, changed the bed sheets because they were soaking wet, ordered some pizza, scrolling through netflix lounging around, then started going at it again, so a couple minutes later when I got a knock on my bedroom door from my housemate to give me our pizza it was a bit of a surprise.[close]
your room mate was probably listening at your door pulling his small pepperoni while holding your large pepperoni pizza[close]
That's what you call porn huh, interestingExpand QuoteBet that shit was a stuff crust afterwardsExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHad someone over the other night, had really great (and really sweaty) sex, changed the bed sheets because they were soaking wet, ordered some pizza, scrolling through netflix lounging around, then started going at it again, so a couple minutes later when I got a knock on my bedroom door from my housemate to give me our pizza it was a bit of a surprise.[close]
your room mate was probably listening at your door pulling his small pepperoni while holding your large pepperoni pizza[close][close]
I saw a documentary involving a big sausage pizza, weirdly along similar lines.
;DExpand QuoteBet that shit was a stuff crust afterwardsExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHad someone over the other night, had really great (and really sweaty) sex, changed the bed sheets because they were soaking wet, ordered some pizza, scrolling through netflix lounging around, then started going at it again, so a couple minutes later when I got a knock on my bedroom door from my housemate to give me our pizza it was a bit of a surprise.[close]
your room mate was probably listening at your door pulling his small pepperoni while holding your large pepperoni pizza[close][close]
I saw a documentary involving a big sausage pizza, weirdly along similar lines.
Starring Karl Hungus no doubt.Expand QuoteBet that shit was a stuff crust afterwardsExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHad someone over the other night, had really great (and really sweaty) sex, changed the bed sheets because they were soaking wet, ordered some pizza, scrolling through netflix lounging around, then started going at it again, so a couple minutes later when I got a knock on my bedroom door from my housemate to give me our pizza it was a bit of a surprise.[close]
your room mate was probably listening at your door pulling his small pepperoni while holding your large pepperoni pizza[close][close]
I saw a documentary involving a big sausage pizza, weirdly along similar lines.
Starring Karl Hungus no doubt.Expand QuoteExpand QuoteBet that shit was a stuff crust afterwardsExpand QuoteExpand QuoteHad someone over the other night, had really great (and really sweaty) sex, changed the bed sheets because they were soaking wet, ordered some pizza, scrolling through netflix lounging around, then started going at it again, so a couple minutes later when I got a knock on my bedroom door from my housemate to give me our pizza it was a bit of a surprise.[close]
your room mate was probably listening at your door pulling his small pepperoni while holding your large pepperoni pizza[close][close]
I saw a documentary involving a big sausage pizza, weirdly along similar lines.[close]
I met a girl off some random dating site years back, we talked a bit and then met up for dinner. She was cute, shy, a lil chunk and I invited her over to mine.
We watched whatever on TV and eventually got close, I remember she seemed to be very inexperienced kissing although she had the spirit. After we hooked up up she was shaking like crazy, I think I may have been her first.
We ended up hanging out a second time, during the day. She came over all prettied up and I showed her a video game I had been playing. We hooked up again, and I bent her over for the first and last time to discover her ass was hairier than mine. I'm talking wooly mammoth looking cheeks. I finished the job and went celibate for a while.
One time I fucked a bagel
Expand QuoteOne time I fucked a bagel[close]
this begs a few questions.
did the bagel cumwith any toppings? have you thought about attempting this with a lox bagel?
what about other pastries? have you considered doing it with a slightly cooled off calzone?
Expand QuoteI met a girl off some random dating site years back, we talked a bit and then met up for dinner. She was cute, shy, a lil chunk and I invited her over to mine.
We watched whatever on TV and eventually got close, I remember she seemed to be very inexperienced kissing although she had the spirit. After we hooked up up she was shaking like crazy, I think I may have been her first.
We ended up hanging out a second time, during the day. She came over all prettied up and I showed her a video game I had been playing. We hooked up again, and I bent her over for the first and last time to discover her ass was hairier than mine. I'm talking wooly mammoth looking cheeks. I finished the job and went celibate for a while.[close]
For the hair, you talking crack or cheek. Or both
Reminds me
One time I was at the dunes by the ocean with a girl. We found a low part in the sand. Pretty out there. So we start doing it. I bent her over during high noon so I saw all the hairs around her anus. There was a couple that were so long it was very distracting. I had to stop. She shaved her ass after I pointed the hairs out without me asking her to. It was fine really she didn’t have to. She really tried to make me like her but I didn’t feel a mental connection. She shaved her ass hole in vain
Expand QuoteOne time I fucked a bagel[close]
this begs a few questions.
did the bagel come with any toppings? have you thought about attempting this with a lox bagel?
what about other pastries? have you considered doing it with a slightly cooled off calzone?
Expand QuoteOne time I fucked a bagel[close]
this begs a few questions.
did the bagel come with any toppings? have you thought about attempting this with a lox bagel?
what about other pastries? have you considered doing it with a slightly cooled off calzone?
(https://hips.hearstapps.com/del.h-cdn.co/assets/17/26/1498846503-c5s4y-nw8aafdoq.jpg)
oh fuck
Expand QuoteI met a girl off some random dating site years back, we talked a bit and then met up for dinner. She was cute, shy, a lil chunk and I invited her over to mine.
We watched whatever on TV and eventually got close, I remember she seemed to be very inexperienced kissing although she had the spirit. After we hooked up up she was shaking like crazy, I think I may have been her first.
We ended up hanging out a second time, during the day. She came over all prettied up and I showed her a video game I had been playing. We hooked up again, and I bent her over for the first and last time to discover her ass was hairier than mine. I'm talking wooly mammoth looking cheeks. I finished the job and went celibate for a while.[close]
For the hair, you talking crack or cheek. Or both
Reminds me
One time I was at the dunes by the ocean with a girl. We found a low part in the sand. Pretty out there. So we start doing it. I bent her over during high noon so I saw all the hairs around her anus. There was a couple that were so long it was very distracting. I had to stop. She shaved her ass after I pointed the hairs out without me asking her to. It was fine really she didn’t have to. She really tried to make me like her but I didn’t feel a mental connection. She shaved her ass hole in vain
not yet, but this could lead to an awk sexual encounter
i matched with someone who just moved in with her sister. we are planning on hanging out.
got a match this morning and in my head i think she looks like the girl im supposed to hangout with(ill call her kim) . it was a joke in my head but my eyes finally wake up and i see what looks like the same bathroom. ok could just be similar layout. nope its the same exact one. the curtain and lights confirmed it aha. its kims older sister.
i had planned to ask kim if it was her sister, but ..... what if i just see what happens. a risky move. probably should be in the tinder thread but ill use this a place holder cause i think things might get awkward. considering posting screen grabs (no faces) to get some confirmation
Expand Quotenot yet, but this could lead to an awk sexual encounter
i matched with someone who just moved in with her sister. we are planning on hanging out.
got a match this morning and in my head i think she looks like the girl im supposed to hangout with(ill call her kim) . it was a joke in my head but my eyes finally wake up and i see what looks like the same bathroom. ok could just be similar layout. nope its the same exact one. the curtain and lights confirmed it aha. its kims older sister.
i had planned to ask kim if it was her sister, but ..... what if i just see what happens. a risky move. probably should be in the tinder thread but ill use this a place holder cause i think things might get awkward. considering posting screen grabs (no faces) to get some confirmation[close]
I’m hooked already. Go on and take the risky plunge, lb.
not yet, but this could lead to an awk sexual encounter
i matched with someone who just moved in with her sister. we are planning on hanging out.
got a match this morning and in my head i think she looks like the girl im supposed to hangout with(ill call her kim) . it was a joke in my head but my eyes finally wake up and i see what looks like the same bathroom. ok could just be similar layout. nope its the same exact one. the curtain and lights confirmed it aha. its kims older sister.
i had planned to ask kim if it was her sister, but ..... what if i just see what happens. a risky move. probably should be in the tinder thread but ill use this a place holder cause i think things might get awkward. considering posting screen grabs (no faces) to get some confirmation
@DaleSr at the same time? or
Expand Quote@DaleSr at the same time? or[close]
Nah was seeing one on and off but shit faded away. Younger sister and i matched on tinder like a year later, we went out and she was talking mad shit about her sister. We made out in the parking lot and she was a way better kisser haha
Expand QuoteExpand Quote@DaleSr at the same time? or[close]
Nah was seeing one on and off but shit faded away. Younger sister and i matched on tinder like a year later, we went out and she was talking mad shit about her sister. We made out in the parking lot and she was a way better kisser haha[close]
damn and she was shit talking her sister. did you worry about saying the wrong name?
OK the older sister is messaging back. We have reached a new development
This is at the same time the other sister is messaging me.
I think I crossed the point where there's gonna be a good outcome from this. Or..
Expand QuoteOK the older sister is messaging back. We have reached a new development
This is at the same time the other sister is messaging me.
I think I crossed the point where there's gonna be a good outcome from this. Or..[close]
i suggest the two sisters engage in hand to hand combat to decide who's getting the date
EDIT: or maybe settle it with a competitive round of mario kart
hand to hand combat just sounded badass, but is probably a bit much to expect this early in the development
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteOK the older sister is messaging back. We have reached a new development
This is at the same time the other sister is messaging me.
I think I crossed the point where there's gonna be a good outcome from this. Or..[close]
i suggest the two sisters engage in hand to hand combat to decide who's getting the date
EDIT: or maybe settle it with a competitive round of mario kart
hand to hand combat just sounded badass, but is probably a bit much to expect this early in the development[close]
My ideal situation would be something like Brett micheals rock of love. Like a date with both where I'm trying to get to know both at the same time on a date. But they are sisters so I think they would just agree to drop me.
I need daily updates of this storyExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteOK the older sister is messaging back. We have reached a new development
This is at the same time the other sister is messaging me.
I think I crossed the point where there's gonna be a good outcome from this. Or..[close]
i suggest the two sisters engage in hand to hand combat to decide who's getting the date
EDIT: or maybe settle it with a competitive round of mario kart
hand to hand combat just sounded badass, but is probably a bit much to expect this early in the development[close]
My ideal situation would be something like Brett micheals rock of love. Like a date with both where I'm trying to get to know both at the same time on a date. But they are sisters so I think they would just agree to drop me.[close]
pornhub considers there is another ideal situation
Not really funny awkward but I'm currently being sexually harassed by a woman I work with. She's in her 50s so like 15-20 years older than me but would have probably been a smoke show in her younger days (her 20something daughter is a solid 8/10) and I'm guessing she's not used to men not being interested in at least fucking her.
Its pretty much your standard "oops I tripped and grabbed your ass to steady myself" or trying to rub my shoulders or back kinda shit along with just basic attention seeking behavior. It honestly reminds me of the way girls would act in high school when they liked you but were too embarrassed to ask you out.
I'm not going to report her because it doesn't really bother me - on some level I probably enjoy the attention if I'm being totally honest with myself - and I really think its at least somewhat down to her not knowing how to handle someone not being interested. Most of the dudes we work with are old horndogs who would kill a puppy to get in her scrubs.
I've told her it aint happenin but I could probably communicate it more clearly and bluntly. I've also thought about telling her I'm gay but I don't think she'd believe it as I had a thing with one of her (much younger) former co-workers years ago when I was still just a patient and not working at the hospital yet. I'm also a bit of a greedy amoral scumbag so I've considered offering it up for a price. She's been an RN for decades and her only kid is grown and out of the house, so I'm sure she's got a fair amount of income she could spend on "entertainment". I've done far worse to pay my rent in the past and I don't think she wants anything beyond a thorough dicking.
Almost everyone I used to fuck for a place to live thinks I'm there ex.how much to bone the flea?
Oh I used to date the ass flea. I'm like oh yeah i remember that (no)
It very uncomfortable that they want to fuck more with out payment. That's definitely not happening
Real awkward maybe doesn't even count as sexual experience but typical teenager daytime movie date. I think I was about fifteen I think the movie was rat race anyway I'm dressed super spazed like Tom penny in that old es team photo. I have like a 4xl hoody on and size 42 king gee workpants that are super thick material with Scotch guard so theyre crazy rigid like can stand up by themselves. I also probably only needed a size 32 at the time. Anyway we sit down and I immediately notice I have the most gigantic pants tent. Like that curb episode but 10x bigger. I don't want to draw attention to it to fix it and it's dark so I'm just like whatever. Anyway as things go we're making out the whole movie and she keeps like touching my chest then stomach then stopping over and over like every minute. Then one time I look when she does it and she isn't stopping but jerking off the big stiff amount of pants material I have bulging on my lap. In my head now I'm complete panic mode. Wtf am I supposed to do? Whip out my penis? Redirect her to where my penis actually is? Then with what she's been grabbing she's going to be expecting a full Pringles can which I don't have.
Fortunately the movie ended and our session was over. Soz the story goes nowhere it's just part a of a derpy start to sex life
Real awkward maybe doesn't even count as sexual experience but typical teenager daytime movie date. I think I was about fifteen I think the movie was rat race anyway I'm dressed super spazed like Tom penny in that old es team photo. I have like a 4xl hoody on and size 42 king gee workpants that are super thick material with Scotch guard so theyre crazy rigid like can stand up by themselves. I also probably only needed a size 32 at the time. Anyway we sit down and I immediately notice I have the most gigantic pants tent. Like that curb episode but 10x bigger. I don't want to draw attention to it to fix it and it's dark so I'm just like whatever. Anyway as things go we're making out the whole movie and she keeps like touching my chest then stomach then stopping over and over like every minute. Then one time I look when she does it and she isn't stopping but jerking off the big stiff amount of pants material I have bulging on my lap. In my head now I'm complete panic mode. Wtf am I supposed to do? Whip out my penis? Redirect her to where my penis actually is? Then with what she's been grabbing she's going to be expecting a full Pringles can which I don't have.
Fortunately the movie ended and our session was over. Soz the story goes nowhere it's just part a of a derpy start to sex life
I used to get pretty wasted at least a few nights per week when I was in my 20s and would end up at the dive bar at the end of my street. I was generally one of, if not the youngest person in there by at least 15 years, usually a bit more. I was a young dude with tattoos and older broads would often enjoy the flirt or whatever. Definitely had a few awkward experiences over there.
One night I'm chatting it up with this lady Kim. I'd seen Kim around a bunch and know that she's this older biker chick. She's on one this night telling me her old man, this dude named Bobby, was outta the picture because he was smoking crack again. I'm like "ok" and just looking at her very exposed chest. So she's buying me shots of wild turkey 101 and we're just having some laughs til last call. Well, we get booted from the bar and I'm like "adios. I'm walking home." and she says "oh, honey, come smoke a joint with me at my car." We start smoking some funky old person weed (weed was often pretty rugged at this point) and low and behold we start making out against the car. It was a Chrysler 300, white. She's pressing those big old biker boobies against me and I'm sprung. She says she's gonna give me a ride home, so we hop in the car and start making out some more in the front seat and I'm thinking "fuck it dude. just go for it" and I'm going for the button in her pants, hands going in, mind you it's like less than 30 seconds in the car, and thenWHEEEEEEEEEEWHEEEEEWHEEEEE
and I jump up all WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!?! and she's laughing and says "that's my pet pig. forgot it was back there." that lil piggie probably saved me from some lifetime friends, right there.
I used to get pretty wasted at least a few nights per week when I was in my 20s and would end up at the dive bar at the end of my street. I was generally one of, if not the youngest person in there by at least 15 years, usually a bit more. I was a young dude with tattoos and older broads would often enjoy the flirt or whatever. Definitely had a few awkward experiences over there.
One night I'm chatting it up with this lady Kim. I'd seen Kim around a bunch and know that she's this older biker chick. She's on one this night telling me her old man, this dude named Bobby, was outta the picture because he was smoking crack again. I'm like "ok" and just looking at her very exposed chest. So she's buying me shots of wild turkey 101 and we're just having some laughs til last call. Well, we get booted from the bar and I'm like "adios. I'm walking home." and she says "oh, honey, come smoke a joint with me at my car." We start smoking some funky old person weed (weed was often pretty rugged at this point) and low and behold we start making out against the car. It was a Chrysler 300, white. She's pressing those big old biker boobies against me and I'm sprung. She says she's gonna give me a ride home, so we hop in the car and start making out some more in the front seat and I'm thinking "fuck it dude. just go for it" and I'm going for the button in her pants, hands going in, mind you it's like less than 30 seconds in the car, and thenWHEEEEEEEEEEWHEEEEEWHEEEEE
and I jump up all WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!?! and she's laughing and says "that's my pet pig. forgot it was back there." that lil piggie probably saved me from some lifetime friends, right there.
@IusedToSkateMore great story man so hilarious haha.
Damn that car must have stank like crazy. Leaving a pig in your trunk while you get drunk at a dive bar is some nutter shit.
Kinda curious how the pig was, was it like in the movie "Babe". I can't believe he didn't unload a lot of shit in the trunk or something. Poor little thing.
You should tell us more crazy stories from that bar.Expand Quote@IusedToSkateMore great story man so hilarious haha.
Damn that car must have stank like crazy. Leaving a pig in your trunk while you get drunk at a dive bar is some nutter shit.
Kinda curious how the pig was, was it like in the movie "Babe". I can't believe he didn't unload a lot of shit in the trunk or something. Poor little thing.[close]
I don't really remember how gnarly the car smelled, it was actually a kind of nice car for what it was. I've known numerous people who have small pigs for pets. they're fairly hygienic I guess. Regardless, it was just a weird, weird moment, man. I've got crazy stories from that bar.
You should tell us more crazy stories from that bar.Expand QuoteExpand Quote@IusedToSkateMore great story man so hilarious haha.
Damn that car must have stank like crazy. Leaving a pig in your trunk while you get drunk at a dive bar is some nutter shit.
Kinda curious how the pig was, was it like in the movie "Babe". I can't believe he didn't unload a lot of shit in the trunk or something. Poor little thing.[close]
I don't really remember how gnarly the car smelled, it was actually a kind of nice car for what it was. I've known numerous people who have small pigs for pets. they're fairly hygienic I guess. Regardless, it was just a weird, weird moment, man. I've got crazy stories from that bar.[close]
Expand QuoteYou should tell us more crazy stories from that bar.Expand QuoteExpand Quote@IusedToSkateMore great story man so hilarious haha.
Damn that car must have stank like crazy. Leaving a pig in your trunk while you get drunk at a dive bar is some nutter shit.
Kinda curious how the pig was, was it like in the movie "Babe". I can't believe he didn't unload a lot of shit in the trunk or something. Poor little thing.[close]
I don't really remember how gnarly the car smelled, it was actually a kind of nice car for what it was. I've known numerous people who have small pigs for pets. they're fairly hygienic I guess. Regardless, it was just a weird, weird moment, man. I've got crazy stories from that bar.[close][close]
My thoughts exactly.
What the hell is about women in their 30s being hyper aggressive when fooling around?
Like, maybe I'm a prude but, fucking hell, I don't think there is any reason for some chick to choke herself with my D when fooling around for the first time. Like, that can't be enjoyable for her. Are they choking themselves to prove they still have sexual value? What is the deal?
I don't remember this happening when I was younger.
Finally, has anyone or does anyone enjoy licking someone's ear? I had some chick's tongue in my ear last summer and I wasn't sure why she'd do that or why I'd like it.
Expand QuoteFinally, has anyone or does anyone enjoy licking someone's ear? I had some chick's tongue in my ear last summer and I wasn't sure why she'd do that or why I'd like it.[close]
this shit goesssss its like the neck x10
I'm not proud if this in retrospect but I started college when I was 21 and was pretty depressed because I didn't really meet any cool people or anything there so to make the most of it I decided to fixate on the chicks because we sere all living in the dorms. The worst was there was this chick that I had been seeing around for like a year and finally we ended up having a class together so I got to find out her name and shit. After getting really stoned one day I looked her up and DMed her and she asks if she can come to my room. Of course I'm like 'fuck yes'. She shows up an immediately basically starts making out with me and taking off her clothes. We fuck for whatever like 10 minutes and when I'm about to cum she actually asks for me to cum all over her. I pull out and do the polite thing and just bust by her belly button, she starts rubbing it all over her body and face and moaning and shit. I'm kinda in shock like woah this just got weird. Somehow that kinda all ends but I remember we cleaned up and small talk starts to happen and she drops the bomb that she just turned 18 and that she's gotta go meet her boyfriend in a little bit. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out and we both stopped talking to each other after that. The rest of the semester being in a class with her was sooo fucked
Expand QuoteI'm not proud if this in retrospect but I started college when I was 21 and was pretty depressed because I didn't really meet any cool people or anything there so to make the most of it I decided to fixate on the chicks because we sere all living in the dorms. The worst was there was this chick that I had been seeing around for like a year and finally we ended up having a class together so I got to find out her name and shit. After getting really stoned one day I looked her up and DMed her and she asks if she can come to my room. Of course I'm like 'fuck yes'. She shows up an immediately basically starts making out with me and taking off her clothes. We fuck for whatever like 10 minutes and when I'm about to cum she actually asks for me to cum all over her. I pull out and do the polite thing and just bust by her belly button, she starts rubbing it all over her body and face and moaning and shit. I'm kinda in shock like woah this just got weird. Somehow that kinda all ends but I remember we cleaned up and small talk starts to happen and she drops the bomb that she just turned 18 and that she's gotta go meet her boyfriend in a little bit. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out and we both stopped talking to each other after that. The rest of the semester being in a class with her was sooo fucked[close]
Damn having to watch someone rub your cum on themselves after you have already nutted and have that post-nut clarity would be horrible
Got a few awkward ones from when i was younger. these ones are mostly just embarrassing on my end but i'll share them anyway
story 1:
in high school i was at a party one time and i started hooking up with this one chick who was basically known to be sketchy and slutty and i almost had sex with her but at the last second she was like 'sorry i don't sleep with people on the first date'. probably was on her period but was too embarrassed to say. the next morning when i had sobered up i was like thank god for that because she was sketchy. anyways a couple of weeks later she messaged me and was like 'hey you should come over today' and i was like 'oh yeah maybe' and then she said 'i want to have sex with you' and i was like 'hmm okay. well i dont know if i want to have sex but i'll come over anyway'. my mind was saying no but my dick was saying yes. i went over there and we put some stupid fucking movie on, i can't remember exactly what it was but i feel like it was monsters inc or something, like a kid's movie. we just laid on her bed, not even touching. i didn't make a move, i just went there and watched that dumb movie and then when it was over i was like 'alright well i'm going home now' and she was understandably just super cold and was like 'okay seeya'. didn't talk to her again. she ended up with like two kids by the time she was 19, don't know where she is now.
story 2:
so i had been fooling around with this other sorta sketch chick and we had made out a few times while hanging out but never taken it further. there was a lot of sexual tension so i picked her up in my car and then we went to a secluded spot and started making out. i was fingering her and actually did that long enough to make her come. then she was like 'it's your turn now' and she started rubbing my dick through my shorts and i basically just came straight away, like literally after seconds of her rubbing my dick through my shorts. i must have had some strange look on my face because she was like 'um... are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah... sorry i think we should stop now' and she was like 'wtf?' i was too embarrassed to tell her i had just came in my shorts and she hadn't even realised. we get back into the front seats of the car and it's super awkward. then in my post-nut depression i started to feel ashamed and i was like 'i don't think we should hang out anymore' and she started to cry. i dropped her off home and she would message me like weekly on social media for years afterward and i would just ignore it, i eventually just blocked her.
story 3:
when i was a bit older i lived in this sharehouse for a few years and i was the only dude living with 3 other chicks. i'd just broken up with my gf of 2 years and was getting a little bit unhinged without regular sex.
so first i started trying to hit on this one chick in the house who was probably the cutest one, but unfortunately had a bf. we would sit on the couch together and basically play footsies while we watched tv and just being touchy in general. a lot of sexual tension was building and we got super close to fucking but i think she realised i had broken up with my gf and it was like knowing that turned her off, like she originally thought we would both be cheating so it was okay or something and once she realised i was actually single she started to feel guilty? i didn't push it and let it go.
so i started to flirt with another girl in the house. this one was a fairly heavy girl and less attractive than the first but actually had a super cool personality and we got along pretty well. so one night we went to a party, had a few drinks and the party was lame so we went back to our place together and kept drinking in her room. one thing led to another and we were making out, then the lights went out and clothes came off. we got to the point where we were about to have sex and she was like 'do me from behind' so she turned over and as she got into the position on her knees with her ass pointed up at me i just got this overwhelming whiff of shit and it was over for me, my dick went limp. i didn't want to embarrass her so i was like 'ah fuck sorry... i just got nervous' and she started blowing me and it was just kinda pathetic because i couldn't get hard again. after that night it was awkward whenever we saw each other, i tried to be cool but she was hot and cold. we didn't get sexual again but there was one awkward time when she basically asked me to be her boyfriend and i was like 'nah' and she started crying in the kitchen and that other girl walked by. i guess the girls got to talkin' and then they all collectively decided i was a scumbag (which i probably deserved) and the rest of my time in that sharehouse was pretty shit, none of them talked to me. months later, on my last night there that girl messaged me at like 12am asking me 'are you still up?' i didn't respond then the next morning she awkwardly apologized for 'being a creep'.
after i moved out we still talked on messenger a bit and on new years eve she came to the same party i was at (obviously just to see me because she didn't know anyone else there) and i was hanging with her and her friend a bit. we were having a little bit of banter and at some point she said 'you couldn't even get it up to fuck me' and her friend started laughing super hard and i just smiled and bit my tongue. she was too naive and i was too nice to even respond to that. she followed me around for a while that night but i got super drunk and went on an adventure and ghosted her. after that we never spoke again.
i'm glad all those years are behind me now. makes me cringe to think about how awkward i was.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI'm not proud if this in retrospect but I started college when I was 21 and was pretty depressed because I didn't really meet any cool people or anything there so to make the most of it I decided to fixate on the chicks because we sere all living in the dorms. The worst was there was this chick that I had been seeing around for like a year and finally we ended up having a class together so I got to find out her name and shit. After getting really stoned one day I looked her up and DMed her and she asks if she can come to my room. Of course I'm like 'fuck yes'. She shows up an immediately basically starts making out with me and taking off her clothes. We fuck for whatever like 10 minutes and when I'm about to cum she actually asks for me to cum all over her. I pull out and do the polite thing and just bust by her belly button, she starts rubbing it all over her body and face and moaning and shit. I'm kinda in shock like woah this just got weird. Somehow that kinda all ends but I remember we cleaned up and small talk starts to happen and she drops the bomb that she just turned 18 and that she's gotta go meet her boyfriend in a little bit. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out and we both stopped talking to each other after that. The rest of the semester being in a class with her was sooo fucked[close]
Damn having to watch someone rub your cum on themselves after you have already nutted and have that post-nut clarity would be horrible[close]
You guys suck. I’ve done all kinds of nasty cum play. Snow balled, scoop it and feed it, spanked the load on their ass, lick it up, etc etc. Your loss.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI'm not proud if this in retrospect but I started college when I was 21 and was pretty depressed because I didn't really meet any cool people or anything there so to make the most of it I decided to fixate on the chicks because we sere all living in the dorms. The worst was there was this chick that I had been seeing around for like a year and finally we ended up having a class together so I got to find out her name and shit. After getting really stoned one day I looked her up and DMed her and she asks if she can come to my room. Of course I'm like 'fuck yes'. She shows up an immediately basically starts making out with me and taking off her clothes. We fuck for whatever like 10 minutes and when I'm about to cum she actually asks for me to cum all over her. I pull out and do the polite thing and just bust by her belly button, she starts rubbing it all over her body and face and moaning and shit. I'm kinda in shock like woah this just got weird. Somehow that kinda all ends but I remember we cleaned up and small talk starts to happen and she drops the bomb that she just turned 18 and that she's gotta go meet her boyfriend in a little bit. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out and we both stopped talking to each other after that. The rest of the semester being in a class with her was sooo fucked[close]
Damn having to watch someone rub your cum on themselves after you have already nutted and have that post-nut clarity would be horrible[close]
You guys suck. I’ve done all kinds of nasty cum play. Snow balled, scoop it and feed it, spanked the load on their ass, lick it up, etc etc. Your loss.[close]
This guy gets it. “P-noot clarity” is some repressed shit. Be stoked on what you’ve done and prepare to repeat offend.
Expand QuoteGot a few awkward ones from when i was younger. these ones are mostly just embarrassing on my end but i'll share them anyway
story 1:
in high school i was at a party one time and i started hooking up with this one chick who was basically known to be sketchy and slutty and i almost had sex with her but at the last second she was like 'sorry i don't sleep with people on the first date'. probably was on her period but was too embarrassed to say. the next morning when i had sobered up i was like thank god for that because she was sketchy. anyways a couple of weeks later she messaged me and was like 'hey you should come over today' and i was like 'oh yeah maybe' and then she said 'i want to have sex with you' and i was like 'hmm okay. well i dont know if i want to have sex but i'll come over anyway'. my mind was saying no but my dick was saying yes. i went over there and we put some stupid fucking movie on, i can't remember exactly what it was but i feel like it was monsters inc or something, like a kid's movie. we just laid on her bed, not even touching. i didn't make a move, i just went there and watched that dumb movie and then when it was over i was like 'alright well i'm going home now' and she was understandably just super cold and was like 'okay seeya'. didn't talk to her again. she ended up with like two kids by the time she was 19, don't know where she is now.
story 2:
so i had been fooling around with this other sorta sketch chick and we had made out a few times while hanging out but never taken it further. there was a lot of sexual tension so i picked her up in my car and then we went to a secluded spot and started making out. i was fingering her and actually did that long enough to make her come. then she was like 'it's your turn now' and she started rubbing my dick through my shorts and i basically just came straight away, like literally after seconds of her rubbing my dick through my shorts. i must have had some strange look on my face because she was like 'um... are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah... sorry i think we should stop now' and she was like 'wtf?' i was too embarrassed to tell her i had just came in my shorts and she hadn't even realised. we get back into the front seats of the car and it's super awkward. then in my post-nut depression i started to feel ashamed and i was like 'i don't think we should hang out anymore' and she started to cry. i dropped her off home and she would message me like weekly on social media for years afterward and i would just ignore it, i eventually just blocked her.
story 3:
when i was a bit older i lived in this sharehouse for a few years and i was the only dude living with 3 other chicks. i'd just broken up with my gf of 2 years and was getting a little bit unhinged without regular sex.
so first i started trying to hit on this one chick in the house who was probably the cutest one, but unfortunately had a bf. we would sit on the couch together and basically play footsies while we watched tv and just being touchy in general. a lot of sexual tension was building and we got super close to fucking but i think she realised i had broken up with my gf and it was like knowing that turned her off, like she originally thought we would both be cheating so it was okay or something and once she realised i was actually single she started to feel guilty? i didn't push it and let it go.
so i started to flirt with another girl in the house. this one was a fairly heavy girl and less attractive than the first but actually had a super cool personality and we got along pretty well. so one night we went to a party, had a few drinks and the party was lame so we went back to our place together and kept drinking in her room. one thing led to another and we were making out, then the lights went out and clothes came off. we got to the point where we were about to have sex and she was like 'do me from behind' so she turned over and as she got into the position on her knees with her ass pointed up at me i just got this overwhelming whiff of shit and it was over for me, my dick went limp. i didn't want to embarrass her so i was like 'ah fuck sorry... i just got nervous' and she started blowing me and it was just kinda pathetic because i couldn't get hard again. after that night it was awkward whenever we saw each other, i tried to be cool but she was hot and cold. we didn't get sexual again but there was one awkward time when she basically asked me to be her boyfriend and i was like 'nah' and she started crying in the kitchen and that other girl walked by. i guess the girls got to talkin' and then they all collectively decided i was a scumbag (which i probably deserved) and the rest of my time in that sharehouse was pretty shit, none of them talked to me. months later, on my last night there that girl messaged me at like 12am asking me 'are you still up?' i didn't respond then the next morning she awkwardly apologized for 'being a creep'.
after i moved out we still talked on messenger a bit and on new years eve she came to the same party i was at (obviously just to see me because she didn't know anyone else there) and i was hanging with her and her friend a bit. we were having a little bit of banter and at some point she said 'you couldn't even get it up to fuck me' and her friend started laughing super hard and i just smiled and bit my tongue. she was too naive and i was too nice to even respond to that. she followed me around for a while that night but i got super drunk and went on an adventure and ghosted her. after that we never spoke again.
i'm glad all those years are behind me now. makes me cringe to think about how awkward i was.[close]
I see so much of myself in these. Incredibly awkward. As a married dude with a kid I just have to remember how bad I was at being single to immediately squash any grass is greener thoughts.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI'm not proud if this in retrospect but I started college when I was 21 and was pretty depressed because I didn't really meet any cool people or anything there so to make the most of it I decided to fixate on the chicks because we sere all living in the dorms. The worst was there was this chick that I had been seeing around for like a year and finally we ended up having a class together so I got to find out her name and shit. After getting really stoned one day I looked her up and DMed her and she asks if she can come to my room. Of course I'm like 'fuck yes'. She shows up an immediately basically starts making out with me and taking off her clothes. We fuck for whatever like 10 minutes and when I'm about to cum she actually asks for me to cum all over her. I pull out and do the polite thing and just bust by her belly button, she starts rubbing it all over her body and face and moaning and shit. I'm kinda in shock like woah this just got weird. Somehow that kinda all ends but I remember we cleaned up and small talk starts to happen and she drops the bomb that she just turned 18 and that she's gotta go meet her boyfriend in a little bit. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out and we both stopped talking to each other after that. The rest of the semester being in a class with her was sooo fucked[close]
Damn having to watch someone rub your cum on themselves after you have already nutted and have that post-nut clarity would be horrible[close]
You guys suck. I’ve done all kinds of nasty cum play. Snow balled, scoop it and feed it, spanked the load on their ass, lick it up, etc etc. Your loss.[close]
This guy gets it. “P-noot clarity” is some repressed shit. Be stoked on what you’ve done and prepare to repeat offend.[close]
what if you don't consent to watching someone rub your cum all over themselves?
I'm not proud if this in retrospect but I started college when I was 21 and was pretty depressed because I didn't really meet any cool people or anything there so to make the most of it I decided to fixate on the chicks because we sere all living in the dorms. The worst was there was this chick that I had been seeing around for like a year and finally we ended up having a class together so I got to find out her name and shit. After getting really stoned one day I looked her up and DMed her and she asks if she can come to my room. Of course I'm like 'fuck yes'. She shows up an immediately basically starts making out with me and taking off her clothes. We fuck for whatever like 10 minutes and when I'm about to cum she actually asks for me to cum all over her. I pull out and do the polite thing and just bust by her belly button, she starts rubbing it all over her body and face and moaning and shit. I'm kinda in shock like woah this just got weird. Somehow that kinda all ends but I remember we cleaned up and small talk starts to happen and she drops the bomb that she just turned 18 and that she's gotta go meet her boyfriend in a little bit. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out and we both stopped talking to each other after that. The rest of the semester being in a class with her was sooo fucked
holy shit i wish i could gnar thisExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI'm not proud if this in retrospect but I started college when I was 21 and was pretty depressed because I didn't really meet any cool people or anything there so to make the most of it I decided to fixate on the chicks because we sere all living in the dorms. The worst was there was this chick that I had been seeing around for like a year and finally we ended up having a class together so I got to find out her name and shit. After getting really stoned one day I looked her up and DMed her and she asks if she can come to my room. Of course I'm like 'fuck yes'. She shows up an immediately basically starts making out with me and taking off her clothes. We fuck for whatever like 10 minutes and when I'm about to cum she actually asks for me to cum all over her. I pull out and do the polite thing and just bust by her belly button, she starts rubbing it all over her body and face and moaning and shit. I'm kinda in shock like woah this just got weird. Somehow that kinda all ends but I remember we cleaned up and small talk starts to happen and she drops the bomb that she just turned 18 and that she's gotta go meet her boyfriend in a little bit. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out and we both stopped talking to each other after that. The rest of the semester being in a class with her was sooo fucked[close]
Damn having to watch someone rub your cum on themselves after you have already nutted and have that post-nut clarity would be horrible[close]
You guys suck. I’ve done all kinds of nasty cum play. Snow balled, scoop it and feed it, spanked the load on their ass, lick it up, etc etc. Your loss.[close]
This guy gets it. “P-noot clarity” is some repressed shit. Be stoked on what you’ve done and prepare to repeat offend.[close]
what if you don't consent to watching someone rub your cum all over themselves?[close]
Feel like there’s a pretty high level of implied consent if you’re sloshing baby batter all over the place like a defective lawn sprinkler.
With my ex like 20ish years ago... getting near the end of party time.. she told me she wanted me to titty fuck her and bust on her face. Sweet, good deal. So I start motorboating her chest buns with my hot dog. My knees are basically over her shoulders (so her arms under the backs of my legs - this was on a couch). I'm about to blast off, so I grip my dingaling with my right hand - shot #1 shoots right up her left nostril, which puts her in a shaky face situation, but then shot #2 goes up her other nostril - she's instantly struggling to breathe, but I'm still breakdancing in my orgasm and can't let go of my hog - my knees holding her arms down so she's trying to push me off and I can't function due to loss of body control for however long that takes. As soon as I regain control of myself I jump off and she snot rockets jizz down onto her own chest. So shots 1 and 2 block her nasal passages and then all the rest just blasting her at will as she snorts jizz and I can't control myself enough to move. I apologized a lot, but she also found it funny. I can't imagine what it was like to get jizz up both nose holes and then more jizz blasts to the face while you can't breathe (ish). Every now and then, later, we'd just look at each other and do mock snot rockets and laugh.
Expand QuoteWith my ex like 20ish years ago... getting near the end of party time.. she told me she wanted me to titty fuck her and bust on her face. Sweet, good deal. So I start motorboating her chest buns with my hot dog. My knees are basically over her shoulders (so her arms under the backs of my legs - this was on a couch). I'm about to blast off, so I grip my dingaling with my right hand - shot #1 shoots right up her left nostril, which puts her in a shaky face situation, but then shot #2 goes up her other nostril - she's instantly struggling to breathe, but I'm still breakdancing in my orgasm and can't let go of my hog - my knees holding her arms down so she's trying to push me off and I can't function due to loss of body control for however long that takes. As soon as I regain control of myself I jump off and she snot rockets jizz down onto her own chest. So shots 1 and 2 block her nasal passages and then all the rest just blasting her at will as she snorts jizz and I can't control myself enough to move. I apologized a lot, but she also found it funny. I can't imagine what it was like to get jizz up both nose holes and then more jizz blasts to the face while you can't breathe (ish). Every now and then, later, we'd just look at each other and do mock snot rockets and laugh.[close]
Holy fuck, that’s hilarious!!
I had one longtime girlfriend who liked giving oral during foreplay but the only two times she tried it to completion it went rather poorly.
First time, I’m visiting her at her folks’ place and she takes me to some public park and starts giving me a BJ in a gazebo. When I came she starts choking and coughing loudly, which despite recent popularity in porn, just made me feel guilty.
The second time, we’re in my bed and I’m laying down. After I bust, she’s still kind of going at it but my pube area feels all warm and wet. Then I notice a sweet, sour odor kind of like Italian dressing. Turns out it was Italian dressing from her dinner and she was trying to think of a way to tell me. Despite the weirdness we actually had a good laugh afterwards.
Expand QuoteI had one longtime girlfriend who liked giving oral during foreplay but the only two times she tried it to completion it went rather poorly.
First time, I’m visiting her at her folks’ place and she takes me to some public park and starts giving me a BJ in a gazebo. When I came she starts choking and coughing loudly, which despite recent popularity in porn, just made me feel guilty.
The second time, we’re in my bed and I’m laying down. After I bust, she’s still kind of going at it but my pube area feels all warm and wet. Then I notice a sweet, sour odor kind of like Italian dressing. Turns out it was Italian dressing from her dinner and she was trying to think of a way to tell me. Despite the weirdness we actually had a good laugh afterwards.[close]
I hooked up with a quiet, librarian type who insisted at the end of dinner she wanted me to "just fuck my face".. So I did. Literally like 3 pumps and she went full exorcist and ruined my lucky jeans. I'll never forget trying to wash them and finding pad thai noodles in one of the back pockets.
Expand QuoteI had one longtime girlfriend who liked giving oral during foreplay but the only two times she tried it to completion it went rather poorly.
First time, I’m visiting her at her folks’ place and she takes me to some public park and starts giving me a BJ in a gazebo. When I came she starts choking and coughing loudly, which despite recent popularity in porn, just made me feel guilty.
The second time, we’re in my bed and I’m laying down. After I bust, she’s still kind of going at it but my pube area feels all warm and wet. Then I notice a sweet, sour odor kind of like Italian dressing. Turns out it was Italian dressing from her dinner and she was trying to think of a way to tell me. Despite the weirdness we actually had a good laugh afterwards.[close]
I hooked up with a quiet, librarian type who insisted at the end of dinner she wanted me to "just fuck my face".. So I did. Literally like 3 pumps and she went full exorcist and ruined my lucky jeans. I'll never forget trying to wash them and finding pad thai noodles in one of the back pockets.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteI had one longtime girlfriend who liked giving oral during foreplay but the only two times she tried it to completion it went rather poorly.
First time, I’m visiting her at her folks’ place and she takes me to some public park and starts giving me a BJ in a gazebo. When I came she starts choking and coughing loudly, which despite recent popularity in porn, just made me feel guilty.
The second time, we’re in my bed and I’m laying down. After I bust, she’s still kind of going at it but my pube area feels all warm and wet. Then I notice a sweet, sour odor kind of like Italian dressing. Turns out it was Italian dressing from her dinner and she was trying to think of a way to tell me. Despite the weirdness we actually had a good laugh afterwards.[close]
I hooked up with a quiet, librarian type who insisted at the end of dinner she wanted me to "just fuck my face".. So I did. Literally like 3 pumps and she went full exorcist and ruined my lucky jeans. I'll never forget trying to wash them and finding pad thai noodles in one of the back pockets.[close]
Wow
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand QuoteI had one longtime girlfriend who liked giving oral during foreplay but the only two times she tried it to completion it went rather poorly.
First time, I’m visiting her at her folks’ place and she takes me to some public park and starts giving me a BJ in a gazebo. When I came she starts choking and coughing loudly, which despite recent popularity in porn, just made me feel guilty.
The second time, we’re in my bed and I’m laying down. After I bust, she’s still kind of going at it but my pube area feels all warm and wet. Then I notice a sweet, sour odor kind of like Italian dressing. Turns out it was Italian dressing from her dinner and she was trying to think of a way to tell me. Despite the weirdness we actually had a good laugh afterwards.[close]
I hooked up with a quiet, librarian type who insisted at the end of dinner she wanted me to "just fuck my face".. So I did. Literally like 3 pumps and she went full exorcist and ruined my lucky jeans. I'll never forget trying to wash them and finding pad thai noodles in one of the back pockets.[close]
Wow[close]
Lucky jeans as in good luck or where they manufactured by LUCKY the hardware and bearing company?
I've got a new one:
I've done few dates with a Tinder lady and overall things were moving slowly but progressively getting warmer. I finally got the "I'm house sitting, you should come over and we can use the hot tub" text message.
Tinder lady had cranked the heat on the hot tub up the day before. We get in and it is hot as fuck in there, but I'm trying to play it cool. After chatting for a bit, I make a move and the bikini top comes off, the bottoms come off, and my trunks get tossed as well. Sweet, things are going pretty well. "Maybe we should go inside?" "Yea, that is a good idea."
I ask, "Who gets out first to get the towels?" "You do ;)," she responds. I'm down to be objectified so I get out and show off my bone and hand her her towel. Now she gets out and it is my chance to take a good look at her body, but I'm starting to get light headed. I was in that tub for way too long and there is no blood in my brain. I sit down and try to play it cool, but I'm fading out of consciousness quickly.
I completely pass out as she walks over after drying off a bit. I wake up briefly as she screams, "Lurp!" She runs off to grab me something to drink, I pass out again, and sexy time was put on hold for a couple hours.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0SIGOGXnII
Im 16 at the time (10 years ago) Im drunk as fuck at this random house party in Australia and my homie says 'oi cunt we need to get some girls' so we go our seperate ways walking around this dudes backyard trying to find some while shitty dubstep/trap music plays in the background. I find this one chick i ve spoken to on facebook a few times and we immediately start making out and im like fuck yeah, look over at my mate and hes doing the same thing haha eventually me and my mate start chilling by ourselves having some drinks then I look up and see this girl ive been seeing on and off again for a bit, she walks into the party sees me and starts walking over i look at my mate like oh shit. She comes up to me pushes me into the wooden fence which snaps a little bit and starts aggresively making out with me while putting my hands on her ass and pussy then says 'I heard you where kissing other girls' then walks off haha i look at my mate like wtf then look around and the whole party has stopped and everyones just staring at me.
Im 17 doing party photograpy at this girl I grew up withs 17th, taking photos and shit then this girl takes my hand and says 'come with me the birthday girl wants to see you' so we go into this room and I start making out with the birthday girl while the other girls getting my pants off and and about to suck my dick the door flys open and 3 randoms are like 'oi photographer we want some photos cunt' which ruined the mood and we stopped, I went back to drinking and smoking some weed while taking photos, next thing i know the same thing happens again 'birthday girl wants to see you blah blah' so I go into her room and start making out with these 2 girls then we start moving towards her bed and we all just stop and look at her bed and we see my homie who smoked way to much passed the fuck out on the bed haha so we say fuck it and get on the other side of the bed and start getting down to business when my homie wakes up and says 'mmouuth ddrry neeed waattter' we all laugh but the mood is ruined once again and the girls arent interested anymore and leave then this chick in my class comes in laughs at me then takes the shoelaces out of my shoes then runs off with them, So im sitting there with a passed out homie with cotton mouth, a boner and converse with no shoe laces like fuck my life.
Not awkward but my proudest moment was fucking 2 chicks in one day, one in the morning and one at night.
Fucking girlfriend in my room with the lights off when my door opens and my mums standing there saying 'dinners ready' and im like ok be up upstairs in a minute then having to awkwardly sit at the dinner table with my gf and mum.
My dads out of town so what else does a seventeen year old do but have massive party haha so I post a facebook status *bad idea*
like 70 people show up and its pretty wild, chicks are in the spa in their bra and underwear when my homie who skates decides 'the spa needs bubbles' so he puts dishwashing soap in it and bubbles covered most of the backyard, The chick from the first story shows up and takes me to my room and we start getting naked while my house is full of people partying hard, music loud as fuck and underage people drinking. I go down on her and my homies keep opening my door yelling 'fuck yeah' and i have to keep stopping and telling them to fuck off because i dont have a lock on my door, the chick says just lock your door so i pretend i lock it haha and try get back to business eveythings going well when they open it again all like 'yeah bro fucking smash her' so i get pissed off and put my shelf infront of the door which blocks it and we get back to business i finally get it in and we fuck for like 1 minute when my homies at the door like 'cops are here bro' so i pull out and have to go drunkenly talk to the cops who tell me to shut it down and kick everyone out. everyone leaves and she stays but doesnt want to fuck anymore and its awkward as so i just pass out haha ill post a pic from the party.
Partying with 2 homies and one girl that goes to university with one of them, we are all high as fuck and drunk and my mate who brang the girl is trying to get with her but she isnt having any of it, she isnt the best looking and not very fit so im not that interested but after a few more shots I go sit on the couch and she comes and sits next to me and puts her legs ontop of mine and im just like wow wtf, my homie comes over and gets all pissed off and she says lets go upstairs hes jealous, so im just like whatever we go chill in my room and shes showing me the music on her phone and I see that she has the one song me and my mates made for our shitty little metalcore band hahah I tell her i was the vocalist for that band and shes like 'omg no way' and starts taking off her clothes,bends over and says fuck me and honestly im kinda grossed out but im drunk so i just think oh well fuck it i guess this is what rockstars do, dick is barely hard because whiskey as,fuck her for like 2 minutes then just get up and leave and go sleep in a different room and its cracks me up what she was thinking just sitting in my room in the dark wondering when ill come back ,was very awkward the next day and she was pissed.
Ive read most of this thread and had some great laughs my stories arent the best but wanted to add some to keep it alive (me in the red shirt) My mate filmed the whole party and i made a video edit so if people want i can post the link
Expand QuoteIm 16 at the time (10 years ago) Im drunk as fuck at this random house party in Australia and my homie says 'oi cunt we need to get some girls' so we go our seperate ways walking around this dudes backyard trying to find some while shitty dubstep/trap music plays in the background. I find this one chick i ve spoken to on facebook a few times and we immediately start making out and im like fuck yeah, look over at my mate and hes doing the same thing haha eventually me and my mate start chilling by ourselves having some drinks then I look up and see this girl ive been seeing on and off again for a bit, she walks into the party sees me and starts walking over i look at my mate like oh shit. She comes up to me pushes me into the wooden fence which snaps a little bit and starts aggresively making out with me while putting my hands on her ass and pussy then says 'I heard you where kissing other girls' then walks off haha i look at my mate like wtf then look around and the whole party has stopped and everyones just staring at me.
Im 17 doing party photograpy at this girl I grew up withs 17th, taking photos and shit then this girl takes my hand and says 'come with me the birthday girl wants to see you' so we go into this room and I start making out with the birthday girl while the other girls getting my pants off and and about to suck my dick the door flys open and 3 randoms are like 'oi photographer we want some photos cunt' which ruined the mood and we stopped, I went back to drinking and smoking some weed while taking photos, next thing i know the same thing happens again 'birthday girl wants to see you blah blah' so I go into her room and start making out with these 2 girls then we start moving towards her bed and we all just stop and look at her bed and we see my homie who smoked way to much passed the fuck out on the bed haha so we say fuck it and get on the other side of the bed and start getting down to business when my homie wakes up and says 'mmouuth ddrry neeed waattter' we all laugh but the mood is ruined once again and the girls arent interested anymore and leave then this chick in my class comes in laughs at me then takes the shoelaces out of my shoes then runs off with them, So im sitting there with a passed out homie with cotton mouth, a boner and converse with no shoe laces like fuck my life.
Not awkward but my proudest moment was fucking 2 chicks in one day, one in the morning and one at night.
Fucking girlfriend in my room with the lights off when my door opens and my mums standing there saying 'dinners ready' and im like ok be up upstairs in a minute then having to awkwardly sit at the dinner table with my gf and mum.
My dads out of town so what else does a seventeen year old do but have massive party haha so I post a facebook status *bad idea*
like 70 people show up and its pretty wild, chicks are in the spa in their bra and underwear when my homie who skates decides 'the spa needs bubbles' so he puts dishwashing soap in it and bubbles covered most of the backyard, The chick from the first story shows up and takes me to my room and we start getting naked while my house is full of people partying hard, music loud as fuck and underage people drinking. I go down on her and my homies keep opening my door yelling 'fuck yeah' and i have to keep stopping and telling them to fuck off because i dont have a lock on my door, the chick says just lock your door so i pretend i lock it haha and try get back to business eveythings going well when they open it again all like 'yeah bro fucking smash her' so i get pissed off and put my shelf infront of the door which blocks it and we get back to business i finally get it in and we fuck for like 1 minute when my homies at the door like 'cops are here bro' so i pull out and have to go drunkenly talk to the cops who tell me to shut it down and kick everyone out. everyone leaves and she stays but doesnt want to fuck anymore and its awkward as so i just pass out haha ill post a pic from the party.
Partying with 2 homies and one girl that goes to university with one of them, we are all high as fuck and drunk and my mate who brang the girl is trying to get with her but she isnt having any of it, she isnt the best looking and not very fit so im not that interested but after a few more shots I go sit on the couch and she comes and sits next to me and puts her legs ontop of mine and im just like wow wtf, my homie comes over and gets all pissed off and she says lets go upstairs hes jealous, so im just like whatever we go chill in my room and shes showing me the music on her phone and I see that she has the one song me and my mates made for our shitty little metalcore band hahah I tell her i was the vocalist for that band and shes like 'omg no way' and starts taking off her clothes,bends over and says fuck me and honestly im kinda grossed out but im drunk so i just think oh well fuck it i guess this is what rockstars do, dick is barely hard because whiskey as,fuck her for like 2 minutes then just get up and leave and go sleep in a different room and its cracks me up what she was thinking just sitting in my room in the dark wondering when ill come back ,was very awkward the next day and she was pissed.
Ive read most of this thread and had some great laughs my stories arent the best but wanted to add some to keep it alive (me in the red shirt) My mate filmed the whole party and i made a video edit so if people want i can post the link[close]
Crazy that chick just took her clothes off and was like fuck me
How often does this happen to people? I have never had this happen in my life but maybe I'm just not enough of an alpha dog
(https://media.springernature.com/lw685/springer-static/image/art%3A10.1038%2Fs41585-020-0281-4/MediaObjects/41585_2020_281_Fig1_HTML.png)
Looks like it’s called sub coronal. Never heard of that but I like weird dick stories.
Imagine cumming out of your perineum.
So the end of the head was just smooth? Was there like massive foreskin? The images I’m coming up with seem to have a lot on the diagram for some reason.
Chances are it was a mistake from the circumcision. It can happen when they cut out the frenulum and cut too deep. I think they don't usually circumcise if there's already a problem.
So did micro penis guy get a hard-on and it was still micro sized? Poor dude... That's a fucked life.
You might be the only chick to ever post in here.
I forgot to mention tho, that the micro penis guy had the biggest balls I'd ever seen. I'm not shitting you when I say they were just slightly smaller than a mini basketball.
Expand Quote
I forgot to mention tho, that the micro penis guy had the biggest balls I'd ever seen. I'm not shitting you when I say they were just slightly smaller than a mini basketball.[close]
How comical would it have been if he had hit you with a minute long super soaker shot and they deflated like empty balloons, complete with the squeaky fart sounds?
Expand QuoteSo did micro penis guy get a hard-on and it was still micro sized? Poor dude... That's a fucked life.
You might be the only chick to ever post in here.[close]
Lol, I think. It was like gum drop sized. I felt bad for him.
Expand QuoteSo did micro penis guy get a hard-on and it was still micro sized? Poor dude... That's a fucked life.
You might be the only chick to ever post in here.[close]
Lol, I think. It was like gum drop sized. I felt bad for him.
Expand QuoteExpand Quote
I forgot to mention tho, that the micro penis guy had the biggest balls I'd ever seen. I'm not shitting you when I say they were just slightly smaller than a mini basketball.[close]
How comical would it have been if he had hit you with a minute long super soaker shot and they deflated like empty balloons, complete with the squeaky fart sounds?[close]
Traumatizing is the word I think you meant.
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quote
I forgot to mention tho, that the micro penis guy had the biggest balls I'd ever seen. I'm not shitting you when I say they were just slightly smaller than a mini basketball.[close]
How comical would it have been if he had hit you with a minute long super soaker shot and they deflated like empty balloons, complete with the squeaky fart sounds?[close]
Traumatizing is the word I think you meant.[close]
youre getting a first hand look at why women love this dude
Expand QuoteExpand QuoteExpand Quote
I forgot to mention tho, that the micro penis guy had the biggest balls I'd ever seen. I'm not shitting you when I say they were just slightly smaller than a mini basketball.[close]
How comical would it have been if he had hit you with a minute long super soaker shot and they deflated like empty balloons, complete with the squeaky fart sounds?[close]
Traumatizing is the word I think you meant.[close]
youre getting a first hand look at why women love this dude
(https://media.springernature.com/lw685/springer-static/image/art%3A10.1038%2Fs41585-020-0281-4/MediaObjects/41585_2020_281_Fig1_HTML.png)
Looks like it’s called sub coronal. Never heard of that but I like weird dick stories.
Imagine cumming out of your perineum.
So the end of the head was just smooth? Was there like massive foreskin? The images I’m coming up with seem to have a lot on the diagram for some reason.
Expand Quote(https://media.springernature.com/lw685/springer-static/image/art%3A10.1038%2Fs41585-020-0281-4/MediaObjects/41585_2020_281_Fig1_HTML.png)
Looks like it’s called sub coronal. Never heard of that but I like weird dick stories.
Imagine cumming out of your perineum.
So the end of the head was just smooth? Was there like massive foreskin? The images I’m coming up with seem to have a lot on the diagram for some reason.[close]
I stumbled upon a random wikipedia article regarding the concept of the yaoi hole, illustrated below:
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0c/Yaoi_hole.jpg)
Apparently there is this notion in male-on-male homoerotic anime that penetration actually occurs in this yaoi hole as opposed to the anus. I reckon this yaoi hole is much like the perineum and could have the potential to cum, I'm sure it has happened but I haven't been buffing up on my homoerotic anime lately.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...
When I was 17 and in high school, me and two of my friends (T/H) would hang out with these 2 girls a lot, one of them being my friends ex (B) and the other (R) dating one of our other friends. There had been some sexual tension between between H and R as of late and it had been decided that we would all hang out one night, with liquor involved. So R decides to bring another friend (L) with them that night and T was going on and on about how he was going to fuck L that night. Now quick side note, T was a virgin at the time and very socially awkward, possibly suffering from Asperger's syndrome, while also looking a lot like Sideshow Bob. We start drinking and it's pretty obvious that H and R are going to hookup, so T continues to opine away how he's going to be getting with L tonight. Now mind you, I had a steady, long-term girlfriend at that time, so I had no intentions of getting with anyone. But little did I know, but L had her sights on me that night. So T had a really nice house with this massive tiered porch complete with a screened-in gazebo and it was located right next to H's house. T continues to boast about how he's getting laid tonight and that L is "his", until the point I had heard enough and said "fuck it", proceeding to succumb to L's advances. We start making out in the gazebo and it's getting hot, so I proceed to put my hand down L's pants and start going to town on possibly the wettest coochie I've ever seen to this date. I'm doing my thing, she's panting heavy and then all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye I see T. We lock eyes and the sheer look of anger on his face is something that I will never forget and without breaking eye contact I go harder and harder as he walks away enraged. Now this might make me seem like a fucking asshole but let me assure you, T had no chance of getting with L ever, it just wasn't in the cards for various reasons. So we end up going next door to H's house and go down to his furnished basement, clothes start coming off and low and behold the longest nipples I have ever seen in real life, it was quite an experience to have them in my mouth due to the time it took to remove the nipple from the mouth when going from breast to tip. One finger begins to penetrate the wetness between her legs, then another, and another, and another until I actually tried to fist her and almost succeeded. Our genitals converge to form a mortise and tenon joint, thrusting passionately as the moment takes hold, seconds turn into minutes and gradually they stack upon another. Then all of a sudden L asks if I have a condom and bare in mind, there had been a solid 10-15 minutes of fluid exchange by this point and as quickly as it started, it was over, as I had no condom on me. The resulting time was spent intimately cuddling, our naked bodies conjoined, as we drifted off to sleep and awkwardly put our clothes back on in the morning, never to speak of it again. Granted I ended up telling my girlfriend about this years later, something that I deeply regret and felt shameful for participating in, but I was young, insecure and welcomed any sexual attention from women for a long time after. As for T, well, he did end up losing his virginity the next year when he joined the football team, participating in the gang rape of an inebriated and unconscious classmate in his basement, something that altered my perception of him into absolute human trash.
Not as out-there as many of the other ones I've read on here but awkward nonetheless.
Bump
Any stories from this cuffing season?
Myself, no luck. Maybe some tales will alleviate the maladie of dryness
I’ll allow it.Expand QuoteBump
Any stories from this cuffing season?
Myself, no luck. Maybe some tales will alleviate the maladie of dryness[close]
I had my fist inside of a turkey yesterday, if that counts
As a teen, first time I bought condoms at the grocery store;
This hot(-ish) girl clerk who was selling them from behind the counter - they have to keep them there so all the awkward teens (like meself) don't just pocket them - , asked me if I wanted them large or small.
I mumbled, asking if she also had like a medium or something in between.
She didn't really get what I was saying so I had to repeat my question; she then explained they only had 24 or 6 packs and how big of a pack I wanted.
I don't think she understood/noticed my confusion/relief/pain
I have a lot of heinous stories. A little buzzed right now so I’ll hit you with a quick one.
Had my girlfriend over in high school. My basement had a separate entrance so I used to sneak her in regularly. For whatever reason my dad ends up coming home, hears me watching portlandia in the basement, grabs a bowl of cereal and heads down to check up on me. I’m panicking telling her to hide somewhere. She can’t find a spot so I throw her a blanket and she gets like next to the couch and hides under the blanket on all fours, trying to get super small and lean up against the back of the couch. My asshole dad sees her, I see him crack a little smile, goes “oh this is portlandia, sick” and watches two full fucking episodes with me while this poor girl is huddled up trying to be quiet.