Thank you all for the love for my shitty feelings and my loss of my sweet boy. I couldn't really look back at this thread because it always makes me weep out of the kindness and support you guys gave. You guys are awesome, and much love.
I was laying in bed all day long and getting out of bed to day drink/afternoon drink and barely eating. I went on a liquor run, and was pretty buzzed-up,and drunkenly got into it with some anti-masker dudes at the liquor. It was one loud dude mouthing off epithets, and when I got to my car he and his buddies beauty ass pretty good.
I was sore and I cracked my nose, and if I coughed or sneezed blood would pour from my nose like a faucet. I sat at home drunk for about five days dealing with it, bleeding everywhere. I don't have insurance and am paranoid about the Covid new infective strains soI just tried to take care of it myself. On the fifth day my one friend I have left forced me to go the hospital. I ended up spending 3 days in the ER and received 4 pints of blood and a ton of saline. If my buddy didn't drag me to the doc, I would most likely been dead, from blood loss from my nose. Ridiculous, but I just was kind of done. I fucking gave up. Everything I gave a shit about was gone so I didn't really see any point in going on, like I had a good run, time to clock out.
I've been sober for two weeks now (I occasionally smoke a joint here and there) , and I am now a huge Topo Chico-holic. Its really odd to me how close to dying I came, but also I can believe it because it was just such an easy way out, no noose-tying, or gun in my mouth.
Once again, I am not looking for any pity or attention or insistence that I'm worse off than anyone else, or my pain and sadness are just like everyone else's. I just need to get it off my chest. Amazingly enough, this thread has been a godsend (for lack of a better word) for me.
Thank you guys for the kind words and support. I love you all for that.
Also, thank you Sebastian for forcing to get off my ass, if it wasn't for you, I just wouldn't be here anymore, you saved my life. May you never have to buy a drink again, and even though you have your own wife and 5 year old daughter, you made time to help me.
Once again, I am a weepy mess, but its okay. I'm alive, and not auto-piloting with that awfully stubborn/dumb routine I was content with. I'm keeping busy by cleaning all the goddamn blood everywhere on everything. That feeling of restless its there, but its okay.
Much love guys, and I can't thank you enough for your support and this thread.
Its weird, I just might just delete this post because I feel so pathetic/embarrassed about how its all turned out. Its also awesome that I found my little safe area to speak out, on SLAP.
I can't thank you guys enough. I lurked these boards for a while and made an account to call out some San Diego skate kookiness, and ended up bearing my soul to strangers, who honestly react more genuine and actually hear me than actual people.