Hi Pals. Got some venting I want to do and hopefully someone maybe has some advice. My wife and I have lost the spark in our relationship. We still love each other, but romance and intimacy is gone and has been for a while. Earlier this year I had a vasectomy, something which my wife pushed for, but I easily agreed because I don't feel any desire to have any more kids. I figured that being able to have sex with her without any worry of pregnancy would be great, but in the six months that have passed since my surgery, we may have had sex five or six times. At first, there was a reason why (I thought) we were holding out. When I had my follow up to the surgery to make sure that it worked, I was still potent after 2 months and the doctor told me to wait 6 more weeks and do another test. I haven't even gone back for the test. I've mentioned it to my wife saying that I need to make time to do another test to make sure I'm sterile, and she basically told me to just keep jerking off. After that, I stopped trying to make plans for another test.
Over the summer, my wife had a bit of breakdown. She told me that she's miserable, and right now I really don't even remember why, but it was at a very busy time for both of us and I know she was overwhelmed by a lot. I'm at home most of the time, so I try my best to help with cleaning, meals, laundry and everything else. I try to be intimate by giving her back rubs when we sit together, or rub her feet, just whatever I can to physically show her my affection, but it seriously feels like I'm an annoyance, or at least she won't give me any satisfaction of knowing she likes the attention I give. I used to ask her to rub my back when we'd sit and watch TV together, but during the breakdown she told me that when I ask for a back rub, she really wants to punch me in the face. This was in the summer and I haven't asked for anything since. Probably never will again.
I literally get nothing as far as affection goes. We've gone on dates and had great times but we'll go to bed without even a kiss goodnight if I'm not the one who gives it. There's been plenty of times where we've gone out, had loads of fun, I've tried my best to be flirty and make her feel like she's got 100% of my attention, had sitters for the kids so we'd have the house to ourselves, and still nothing from her. We're basically roommates. The worst part of all, is that she's communicated this to me multiple times that she feels like we're roommates or brother and sister, but she puts no effort into fixing this issue. It's all on me.
I'm not perfect, nor am I the most attractive or romantic man, but I think I do a pretty decent job at being a husband and a father. I don't necessarily think the issue has a lot to do with me not being enough, but that's how I feel. I feel like a chump. We've both talked about how we notice a lack of intimacy, and she has said that it's her and her insecurities. She's a bigger girl, has been since we've been together for 10 years (married 5), but I believe her issues with her weight are the root of why she seems so disinterested. I find her attractive, and as attractive as she's always been. I do my best to be supportive, try to give her time to work out, or help with healthy meals, but I can't do it all for her. Somehow this makes me feel guilty, or that I'm somehow at fault because I can't take this pain away or make her happier. I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't make her happy with herself and therefore she can't be happy with me.
I'm not looking to leave her or anything drastic like that. I just want her to be happy and want to feel loved by her. Up until now, I've tried my best. I do the best I can around the house and with the kids. I know she'd love it if we went on more dates, and I try to spend time with her whenever we can. I bring her coffee and lunch at work. I really fucking try to be a good husband, and she'll even tell me that I am. She just doesn't bother to show it in any way. I really don't know what else I can do or give.
These past few days have really gotten me down, and I'm horrible at not showing my feelings. She can tell something is off with me, but I haven't had the heart to tell her "Hey, I'm bummed because you treat me like your brother, not your husband" because I don't want to make her feel worse about herself. I think she's been going through a bit of depression for a while, but won't do anything for herself. At the beginning of the year I was dealing with lots of anxiety and started seeing a therapist, whos been great, and my wife has been super supportive of that, but I don't think I can get her to do the same. She always makes an excuse that she doesn't have time, which then makes me feel guilty that I do have the time and that people accommodate for me to have that time. Basically I feel guiltly for doing anything that makes me happy if it doesn't involve her or my kids.
I really don't know what to do. I'm tried of trying to be the best I can be. This past week I've felt like I'd rather spend time alone than with her, but that's completely spiteful. I do love her and she's my best friend, but the total lack of romance is really building resentment inside me. I don't want it to get worse, but nothing has gotten better and we've both known this is an issue for a while.
And just to be clear, I'm not only talking about lack of sex. It's lack of everything. I'll be following her around the house as she's leaving for work to give her a kiss and she'll walk right out the door if I don't grab her and plant one on her lips. I'm the only one who says "I love you. Good night". It's a bummer and I feel like a total chump.