Flying Rodent, do you consider this your "bottom"?
Is this the lowest point you are willing to let your drinking take you? Pissing yourself and scrolling your valuable time away off into The Ether?
If so, sounds like you wanna quit, bro. I say pick a date and go cold turkey if your body can handle it. Throw out all alcohol around your house. Find some AA meet ups either irl or online if ur under lockdown rn.
What did it feel like for you where the last 2 weeks of a past sober month were "torture"? Maybe if you can come up with a plan for how you are going to combat those feelings this time around, you will be more successful.
Does your fiancee drink? What's her deal?
As for hobbies and skating, don't worry about that shit. That shit is like riding a bike. You won't ever lose it and once your body and mind have acclimated to sober living, the creative and joyous stuff will be waiting for you to pick it back up.
Good luck, holmes.
Thanks to everyone who replied, sorry it took me a week to reply.
Fakie Nollie - I've definitely considered AA before. Not seriously, but it's crossed my mind. I know there is a group where I live, I'll have to find out if they're doing it online during the pandemic. Hopefully they won't snicker at me when I explain "I'm an alcoholic who drinks on weekends". Hah.
EdLawndale - No, it's not my lowest point. A few years back I was much lower than I am now and drinking more. Living alone, avoiding my friends, smoking a lot of weed on and off (don't do that anymore) and working a dead-end job I fucking hated. I think the difference now is that I'm older and drinking is punishing my body more. The massive nights just absolutely ruin me now. I'm also on antidepressants and I don't think booze mixes well with them. It's like a big come down after a couple of days of drinking.
As for the torture, well, I felt really positive for those first couple of weeks. Healthy, motivated, etc. But then I just wanted to drink again. I was so resentful when the weekend came that I "couldn't" do it. Felt like time was dragging and nothing was very enjoyable. Didn't quite know what to do with myself. Would go skate and then not even want to go home, like there was nothing to look forward to.
The fiance does drink, but not often. She was a big party animal before we met. She's two years older than me and pretty mellow now. She can still hit it when it's called for, but usually doesn't touch the stuff or only has one or two drinks.
I hadn't planned to drink this weekend but I had a super shitty week at work and had a minor meltdown on Friday. I did manage to call it quits after a sixer last night and was in bed at 10.15pm. I was pretty stoked on that and was able to function well today. I'd like to think I can do this moderation thing but I know it's a slippery slope.
Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply to me, it actually means a lot.