I have a few friends that I'm the person they call, or talk to when they need to vent. One of whom I had to talk out of suicide earlier this year. That was one of the hardest phone calls I've ever dealt with. I always try to ask people how they're doing because I know that can be a small but, important gesture. I just wish someone would ask how I'm doing every once and a while.
damn bro, it's hard being the constant helper. that's been my role for most of this life and over the past 7 months I've been learning to not be that person all the time. How Are you today?
Just so you're not alone I'll throw an abridged confession out there
Starting last thanksgiving ('19) until April ('20), I had a cousin OD, an old homie OD and die on the side of the road, another kid I used to kick it with OD and die, my grandfather had a stroke, got Covid and croaked, another cousin got Covid when it first went down and was hospitalized for 3 weeks in Michigan. In early December '19, my oldest homie, who i considered a brother, got robbed by a crew of dudes with ARs and was hogtied in the woods for a couple days before he could escape to get ahold of me so that I could rescue his ass, only to tell me a month later to fuck off (essentially breaking off the longest, closest non-blood relationship in my life). Then in late January, while traveling from one international airport to another and back, I got some sort of sickness that I'm almost certain was Covid and left me out of commission for a few weeks. I also developed an ear infection that lasted 3 months and left permanent tinnitus, all while starting grad school full time for social work after literally living a hermits life in the woods for the 5 years prior. While this is all going down, 2 women with whom I had once been very close through separate relationships and hadn't talked with in many years hit me up to tell me they were suicidal and "wanted to let me know what was going on." One girl says "I'm in the mental hospital and have plans to kill myself when I get out. I just want to let you know I love you and you're a good guy. Figured I'd tell you what was going on back home. Hope you're well." I don't have this number on lock, I have no idea who it is and have to figure it out, which with some sleuthing wasn't too hard. But I'm just at the end of my rope dealing with my own shit, you know? Dealing with clinical anxiety and depression for the first time in my (at the time) 34 years, and I've got someone else dumping on me. This went on for a week when she sent me pictures of superficial cuts and a shaved head, I cracked and had the 5-0 do a wellness check. There was nothing I could do, 3500 miles away, no relationship. I was done with it. In the midst of all of this, I'm trying to get my graduate work done and slip up. I explain everything to the profs, they're all cool except one who says "you need to deal with the consequences of your actions and take your education seriously." He subsequently tells me I can't pass the class and wouldn't except my last assignment because "it would be cutting corners and I'm not willing to do that for you." So, I get through my first year of MSW program with a 3.97GPA except for this one class I was able to withdraw from due to a Covid ruling by the Dean. But you see, it's a cohort based program and classes are offered but once per year, so I'm unable to take classes until next year, excluding the one class I will retake in the spring. All in all, I'm thankful to not be in school this year. I'm getting stronger and healing in all ways. most definitely relishing doing whatever.the.fuck.i.want.to.do. and learning to take care of myself, a big piece of which is not being so open for other folks and setting boundaries. it feels pretty unnatural at first, even callous, but man, I feel better. lighter.
take care of yourself hombre. <3