i don't know these days....
for a long time i told myself that i didn't have an "addictive personality" and with few exceptions, on a regular basis gladly imbibed, without fear or guilt, any substance that passed my way anytime.
I've been straight sober for about a month and one half. It's been 8 years since i've been this straight. It's kind of cool and i've said a lot of "what the fucks!" lately when looking back a ways.
It was never just blazing or drinking beers. My friends and I have always gone out to get as wrecked as humanly possible. We prided ourselves on not being the spiked out homies who just stayed at home and were straight junkies. There were the sniffs, the scripts, the trips, fucking whatever else was there atop the regular green, barley, and hops, but we always kept it somewhat together...
I'm now saying to myself "damn, man. you're not some hunter thompson motherfucker... even if you were, look what happened to him!"
I always said that i could handle all of my shit, looking at it like "ok, you're not puking, getting d.u.i's, you've got a steady gig, enough pussy, etc."
Now i'm thinking along the line that i can't handle all of that shit and a life. There's no drinking one beer, saying "i'm all set to that sniff," or whatever else, because what's the point in getting only slightly inebriated? intoxicants are an interesting spice. It's not "discipline" or "self control," i'm all about doing it all or doing nothing at all when seeking complete enjoyment or fulfillment through an activity or state of being.