Good for you, Allen. It’s always worth it to speak up for yourself, as hard as it may be, to live authentically. I’m glad you’re feeling better, it seriously feels like a weight lifted afterword.
This is one of my favorite topics on here and I can’t believe I haven’t posted in it before.
I came out as non-binary a little over a year ago and I’ve slowly been integrating changes as they feel right. I pretty much always identified as bi sexual growing up, and felt the social stigma of it in the early-mid 2000s from other skaters but other people as well. It just wasn’t something people I knew were open about, no one ever said anything to me directly, but it was palpable. Okay y’all don’t fuck with me, I get it, I’ma go skate alone.
I always enjoyed wearing girls’ clothes growing up, most of my cousins are female and I absolutely couldn’t wait to go see them as a kid, knowing there would be a big makeover every time, we would then choreograph dances to the hit songs of the time and they would parade me around as their creation as my family would take video of our dance routines. Now strangely some of them don’t want to see me, like, are y’all surprised?
When I was 21 I got together with my sons mom (we are split up now). Very soon after meeting we were discussing being together, and I told her I was figuring stuff out. When she asked what, I told her I was a woman and wanted to live as one. She told me she wasn’t going to be with “some f**” and she needed a “real man”, something she would throw in my face during fights later. Obviously I stayed, big mistake! (Barring my son which is the best thing ever in my life ever)… And Gwen went into hiding… for years! It has been painful.
So last December I came out to family and friends as non binary but I’ve been realizing more that my gender is so fluid it occupies a space between femininity and nothing at all. Though a lot may view me as masc, I don’t identify with that at all. I watched a documentary with my mom about being trans when I was 18 and I told her “that’s me” and had goosebumps during the whole thing. She said it was just a phase and I’m just how god intended. She is understanding more now and has since taken that back for which I am very thankful.
So I’ve been wearing a lot more fem clothes and makeup when I feel safe to do so. It feels really good and natural and I’m finding what I like and finding my style again, it’s fun and liberating.
I saw something recently about coming out as trans or anything really and the loss that can come with that with friends and family. Reading it I was like “thank fuck I am safe from all that.” Or so I thought. The very next day, me and my gf had a talk because I had been feeling distance. After a while I just said flat out “you’re not attracted to me anymore are you?” She started crying (she never does) and said no not as much, when she sees me in makeup and a dress she doesn’t see her partner. She told me when we got together almost 3 years ago that she wasn’t attracted to femininity, I told her then and there I was nonbinary and if she wanted masc to look elsewhere. But I was still cosplaying as a “man” and always “seemed” masc. The way I put it is that she signed up for 2021 me and I’m no longer that person, or pretending to be. Like, I get it.
We are still best friends and live in the same house for now, we have the kids most days and a great relationship otherwise. It’s just that part is… turned off. Like I couldn’t be more thankful for still having her as a friend and having her tell me the truth.
Not gonna lie, the wind has kind of been taken out of my sails lately, and I’m going between feeling like fuck it, I already lost so much to this, may as well go all in and live authentically everyday to feeling too depressed to even try, which only compounds the issues I have with myself and how I present.
I recently came out to my work because they could tell I was struggling but I have received nothing but good treatment and talks with them. Sorry for the rant but I’ve been having a hard time and I know ultimately what my answer is, I’m just having a hard time trying now, especially with something that’s still new to me publicly, I just don’t want to hide anymore. I have a referral out for therapy which can’t come soon enough! And hopefully I can talk to someone about doing low dose hrt to become more androgynous at the very least..
Much love to my queer slap pals and I hope you have a good day and know that you are loved. xoxo
Topic: queer skaters talking about queer shit (Read 142760 times)