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General Discussion => WHATEVER => Topic started by: friendly dave on October 04, 2020, 01:45:41 PM
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Post your jokes. I'm a big fan of shitty dad jokes personally.
Did you hear about the greedy clam?
He was a little shellfish.
You know why Sean Connery doesn't like to share?
He was a little shellfish.
What kind of pants does a ghost wear?
Paranormal pants.
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Why are wedding dresses usually white?
To match with the other home appliances Hahhahahahahaa
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Why are wedding dresses usually white?
To match with the other home appliances Hahhahahahahaa
That was shitty but I laughed.
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What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing she’s been told twice
Sorry...all the jokes I like have aged like marlon brando
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What is the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels..
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What is the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels..
Pretty dry joke, bro.
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What's worse than tennis elbow?
Tennis balls!
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Why didn’t hitler drink vodka?
It made him mean.
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Anybody seen that movie about the guys whose dad died in 9/11 and then he goes on to be a comedian who tells jokes about 9/11 and his dad dying?
I haven’t either because 9/11 isn’t funny. My uncle died on 9/11, and if he had gotten better flying lessons he might still be here.
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Norm McDonald Joke:
Guy walks into a dentists office and says.....'I think I'm a bug!'
Dentist says...,'you realize I am a dentist not a psychiatrist don't you....'
'I know' says the guy..
'Why did you come in here?' Asks the dentist
'Light was on.....'
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what type of kicks are made out of money?
cashews
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Why did the dyslectic panda walk around in back alleys, wearing a leather jacket and holding up old ladies with a knife?
It read that it was a threatening species.
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What is the tallest building in the world?
The library. It has the most stories.
What sounds like a sneeze but, can be made out of leather?
A shoe.
When Trump pays hooked to bang him, why does he always request cowgirl only?
Because he only knows how to fuck up.
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What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?
One’s a sick duck and I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore.
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What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing. It Waved.
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I made this up the other day:
What does playing the saxophone and skateboarding in the 80’s have in common?
You need a lot of air to go pro.
(...To be honest it’s more of a riddle than a joke since there isn’t a big punchline. Plus the chronological inequality makes it even less funny. But we don’t have a riddles thread and I don’t feel like creating one, so I’m just saying it’s a joke.)
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Why did the toothpaste company Oral-B name itself Oral-B?
Because Oral-A would've been seen as a Mexican brand
*slaps knees*
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This isn't my joke. A friend told it to me but I think that he heard it from someone as well.
A man meets a woman at a seedy dive bar. Eventually last call comes and they leave together. They go back to her place and walk to her bedroom. She tells him to sit on the bed while she "gets more comfortable". She comes back and turns off the bedroom light as they begin to fool around. Eventually, deep kisses turn to more intense action. Finally, they are "doing it". He stops her and tells her that something doesn't feel right. He takes off his shirt thinking maybe something was getting in the way. They start back at it. Moments later he stops again. "Here let's try some lube" the woman tells him as she reaches into her night stand. They start back at it once more. Once again, he has to stop because something isn't feeling right. Without another thought she says, "wait right here", and leaves to her restroom. She comes back and IT...WAS...ON. He slides in no problem and is audibly impressed with how good it feels. Afterwards, as they laid in bed he asked, "Oh my God, that was amazing. What did you do?". "I peeled off my scabs," she said.
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Norm McDonald Joke:
Guy walks into a dentists office and says.....'I think I'm a bug!'
Dentist says...,'you realize I am a dentist not a psychiatrist don't you....'
'I know' says the guy..
'Why did you come in here?' Asks the dentist
'Light was on.....'
Was this joke told to you underneath the Queensboro Bridge? while you where jerking off punks for 15 dollars a man?
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Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they’re ugly and they smell bad
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know why they are called scooters?
you always have to ask them to scoot over
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"Why couldn't the monkey get find it's way out of the jungle?"
"Cos jungle is massif"
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Science only studies what matters.
Get it? Matter: solid, gas, liquid. Lol lol lol
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Cruel joke I heard in Middle School...might offend the Brits a bit.
How do we know what shampoo Princess Diana used?
We found Head and Shoulders in the glove box.
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http://www.instagram.com/p/CEtlKiLDB0J/
http://www.instagram.com/p/CDjA9ltHMz-/
http://www.instagram.com/p/B8juwLmAQLn/
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What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head; I’m going to give these two a lift.
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Two friends are sitting together in a movie theater.
One friend leans over to his friend and says: "Fuck man, do you smell that? Did you fart or shit yourself or something?"
The other friend responds: "Holy shit, I do. That's not me man."
The first friend says: "Hey, maybe it's that guy sitting in front of us."
So the first friend leans forward and asks the guy sitting in front of them: "Hey man, did you shit yourself or something?"
And the guy in front of the two friends responds: "Yeah, why?"
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Why did the chicken cross the road carrying a bible?
He was going to Churches
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A reverend, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
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Two friends are sitting together in a movie theater.
One friend leans over to his friend and says: "Fuck man, do you smell that? Did you fart or shit yourself or something?"
The other friend responds: "Holy shit, I do. That's not me man."
The first friend says: "Hey, maybe it's that guy sitting in front of us."
So the first friend leans forward and asks the guy sitting in front of them: "Hey man, did you shit yourself or something?"
And the guy in front of the two friends responds: "Yeah, why?"
This made me laugh so hard for some reason
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There’s two pies in an oven.
One pie says to the others pie “jeebus it sure is hot in here!”
The other pie says...
“What tha fuck! A TALKING PIE!!!!”
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Expand Quote
Two friends are sitting together in a movie theater.
One friend leans over to his friend and says: "Fuck man, do you smell that? Did you fart or shit yourself or something?"
The other friend responds: "Holy shit, I do. That's not me man."
The first friend says: "Hey, maybe it's that guy sitting in front of us."
So the first friend leans forward and asks the guy sitting in front of them: "Hey man, did you shit yourself or something?"
And the guy in front of the two friends responds: "Yeah, why?"
This made me laugh so hard for some reason
right? i have no idea why this is so funny to me too--i was laughing as i typed it
it's literally the only joke i know and funny enough, i heard it in an old Jean-Luc Godard film...i don't even remember which one anymore
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I think I got this from the National Lampoon magazine.
How did Cinderella die? Her tampon turned into a pumpkin.
I love being a dad. I tell dead baby jokes from that old Totally Tasteless Jokes book to my daughter and her friends whenever I have to give them a ride somewhere.
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Chef gordon ramsay removes his face from between his wife's legs.
'This is the worst pussy i've ever tasted. And the kitchen's a FUCKING mess.'
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Some religious FUCKS just came to my door with some pamphlets. They were polite and full of information, great experience.
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Norm McDonald Joke:
Guy walks into a dentists office and says.....'I think I'm a bug!'
Dentist says...,'you realize I am a dentist not a psychiatrist don't you....'
'I know' says the guy..
'Why did you come in here?' Asks the dentist
'Light was on.....'
dont tell me you're not aware of his infinitely better version of this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJN9mBRX3uo&t=126s
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i love norm more than words can express
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVcpB0r2LJQ
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeaH_0NRDZw
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Why didn’t hitler drink vodka?
It made him mean.
hahahahah
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Two friends are sitting together in a movie theater.
One friend leans over to his friend and says: "Fuck man, do you smell that? Did you fart or shit yourself or something?"
The other friend responds: "Holy shit, I do. That's not me man."
The first friend says: "Hey, maybe it's that guy sitting in front of us."
So the first friend leans forward and asks the guy sitting in front of them: "Hey man, did you shit yourself or something?"
And the guy in front of the two friends responds: "Yeah, why?"
amazing
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99atc3d3s4k
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Two gentiles see each other across the street. They recognize each other from high school. One crossed to meet the other. The other gentile greets his salad days chum and says "how's business?"
his friend goes" it's great!"
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What's better than a gold metal at the special olympics? Not being regular.
That's enough tho, I'm gonna order pizzas to watch football. I always get the same thing, two large plains. For 9.11$ that's a deal!
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A man is walking down the street, an ambulance speeds around the corner and the back doors fly open. Some items fly out, including a small box. The man walks over to it and picks it up. He opens it to see whats inside, he gasps as to find out it is full of human toes. All races and sizes, but full of human toes. He panics as to the fact that he's holding a box of human toes. He's not sure what to do, it's not an emergency and he doesn't want to waste 911's time, but still, he has to figure out what do with his box of human toes. He get's an idea and calls someone else who he thinks can help him dispose of the box of human toes.
He calls a tow truck.
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Why did the jock give milk and cookies to his friends on Christmas Eve?
“Bro’s before ho ho ho’s”
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A bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'll take a Jack and......... Coke."
The bartender says, "Sure thing, but what's with the big pause?"
The bear replies, "I dunno, I was born with em."
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99atc3d3s4k
He's so funny, this was my favorite. Norm does it well too.
Edit: definitely not safe to listen to this at work or around the family on this fine Christmas day
http://youtu.be/aGA0dIz9-Wk
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I posted this in another thread, but it is good enough to repeat...
How many skaters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, one to film it, and one to say, "Dude, that was awesome."
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this kiwi gets a job at a sheep station and the farmer says to him mate head up the paddock and start shearing em, I’ll be up in a few hours with smoko
he heads up there a few hours later and the kiwis got a couple of the ewes round the back and he’s fucking them
the farmer says cunt what the fuck are you doing I told you to fucking shear them
kiwi says not on your life mate I ain’t shearing these with nobody
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an old man sits in a chair looking out the window
a young girl enters the room
young girl - "Grandpa, why do you go to bed at 8pm every night?"
old man - "Somebody has gotta wake up early and tell that sunrise to mind its own business."
the old man continues to look out the window
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what happens when an epileptic person breaks into an arcade to find coins?
illegal search and seizure
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A preist, a reverend, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, I think I’m a typo.
One day an old man and his grandson were sitting on the porch. The old man lights a cigarette and his young grandson asks if he can have one, the old man replies “is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?” To which the kid sighs no, and his grandfather says, I’m sorry you’re too young. A little while later the old man cracks open a beer and again the kid asks if he can have one, and again his grandfather asks if his dick can touch his asshole and again the kid says no. A while later the young man was eating a cookie and his grandfather asks for one. The young man says, “is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?” To which the old man yells, “well hell yeah it is!” And the young man replies, “then you can go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me.”
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what happens when an epileptic person breaks into an arcade to find coins?
illegal search and seizure
As an epileptic this is FUCKING GOLD.
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this kiwi gets a job at a sheep station and the farmer says to him mate head up the paddock and start shearing em, I’ll be up in a few hours with smoko
he heads up there a few hours later and the kiwis got a couple of the ewes round the back and he’s fucking them
the farmer says cunt what the fuck are you doing I told you to fucking shear them
kiwi says not on your life mate I ain’t shearing these with nobody
This is funny already but it's 10x funnier with all the Australian vocabulary, gnarred
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Expand Quote
what happens when an epileptic person breaks into an arcade to find coins?
illegal search and seizure
As an epileptic this is FUCKING GOLD.
thank you because it ruined thanksgiving dinner
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I was riding shot gun with a buddy on a road trip and told him to pull over so I could go to the bathroom. He had just finished a Gatorade so he gave my the bottle and said “here, use this”. So I shit in the bottle
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What’s the difference between a really old bus stop, and a lobster that got plastic surgery?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean
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There’s this new bloke working on a farm and he gets sent out to check the fences. Boss says just call me if there’s any dramas
He rings up a few hours later, says he’s hit a pig and it’s all tangled up in the bullbar, making one hell of a noise.
The farmer says no worries look in the back there’s a rifle. You gotta put the gun right up to his head and pull the trigger, he’ll go all limp and you can get him out that way.
Dude rings up maybe 20 mins later, farmers like well what is it now, you shoot the pig or what?
He says yeah but it’s his motorbike, it’s still under the ute
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Expand Quote
Norm McDonald Joke:
Guy walks into a dentists office and says.....'I think I'm a bug!'
Dentist says...,'you realize I am a dentist not a psychiatrist don't you....'
'I know' says the guy..
'Why did you come in here?' Asks the dentist
'Light was on.....'
dont tell me you're not aware of his infinitely better version of this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJN9mBRX3uo&t=126s
I think the way j...soy... butchered the joke adds to it in a very norm macdonaldish way
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How'd you kill an entire circus?
Go for the juggler.
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why didn't the hippy lifeguard save the guy that was drowning?
he was too far out man.
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Why wasn’t Jesus born in Australia?
They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin
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Last thing going trough a flies mind when it hits your windshield
its ass
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Why do you wrap guinea pigs with duct tape?
So they don’t burst when you fuck them
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iIcWEmw3pI&feature=share
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So they don’t burst when you fuck them
LOL
or vice-versa ;)
(https://64.media.tumblr.com/ea4f3529a9f8a2e10ec4391c01d2e1ac/tumblr_mfgiy2AKFm1qg462ao3_250.gifv)
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Lmao yeah Richard was defz on the gere when he pulled that shit
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Here's one my mum told me.
So there's this penguin, out for a drive, and he thinks "hmm there's something wrong with my car".
He sees a mechanic so he pulls in and says "hey look mate, there's something wrong with my car"
Mechanic says "oh yeh, I'm a bit busy atm but I'll have a look in a sec"
So the penguin leaves the car there, goes for a walk, he gets himself an ice-cream, and heads back.
Mechanic says "you've blown a seal"
"nah, i just had an ice-cream"
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Love a good dad joke
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite co-ordination?
HAND-EyeeeEeee
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Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they’re ugly and they smell bad.
(Im not a misogynist, I swear. But I find this joke hilarious. I’ll try to remember my favorite dude jokes later)
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Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: A ten year old crack problem.
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.