Open Relationships

[sexualhelon]

Does this deserve it's own "whatever" thread? I'm curious to hear everyone's thoughts or experiences on this. I'll start with my current situation:

Background:
So my lady - now wife - and I have been together for 6 years now. It's never really been your typical marriage. We met when I was traveling through Europe, she then had an internship in NYC, and then we had a discussion on how to best be together which resulted in us getting married. It was between me moving London at the time or her to NYC. Since we chose NYC the green card took a year and half. During which we talked about allowing each other to hook up with other people. I did, she didn't. Once we were physically together - the last 4 years - I obviously quit. But the desire was historically there, albeit different than now.

Currently:
- Edited, wrote a book the first time -
Long story short, trying one out now. Closest we got to this before was us being okay with each other hooking up with other people when we were apart for 1.5 years (visa stuff). I took advantage of it, she didn't. My wife started the discussion and didn't know what she really wanted so things started off weird, confusing, and unclear.  First she wanted to make out with a girl, then hook up with a coworker. Neither happened.

She met some dude clubbing, disappeared to meet him a few times, and she seemed to get attached super quickly. we talked more, clarified things, made rules, then guy broke it off with her. She was bummed, cried. Meanwhile, over these 3 months, I've been aware I could hook up with people but don't really care. After the last thing, she said maybe we could hit pause. Seems like she's confused and figuring shit out. We'll see where it goes. I'd like to think this is just one of those strange, turbulent bits in our relationship. Because, by normal standards, I guess our relationship has always been pretty intense with strange situations and what not.   

[JohnnySaintLethal]

I’m drunk and it was too long to read but listen, I wish you the best.

[50mm]

From the 3 seconds I tried to read this it sounds like a fucking mess.

[sexualhelon]

From the 3 seconds I tried to read this it sounds like a fucking mess.

Ha, it is pretty fucking long and I'm aware. Maybe I should just shorten or delete my long ass story.

[Dr-Feelgood]

Sounds like she wants this open thing more than you do... if thats the case its not going to work man, ticking time bomb. If you're not feeling it, you have to tell her how you feel and if she values banging other dudes over something real with you then it might be time to move on....
I was seeing a girl who was poly for a while, told me shes always been in open things, i didnt really give a shit cause i wasnt super invested anyway and knew it was just some fun for the time but i knew it wouldnt work long term. If i love someone, i dont want to share them, if my current chick suggested open relationship, id say if you want to see other people go for it but i wont be around.

[50mm]

Sounds like she wants this open thing more than you do... if thats the case its not going to work man, ticking time bomb. If you're not feeling it, you have to tell her how you feel and if she values banging other dudes over something real with you then it might be time to move on....
I was seeing a girl who was poly for a while, told me shes always been in open things, i didnt really give a shit cause i wasnt super invested anyway and knew it was just some fun for the time but i knew it wouldnt work long term. If i love someone, i dont want to share them, if my current chick suggested open relationship, id say if you want to see other people go for it but i wont be around.

This is the truth. Unless you’re into that sort of thing and I gather you aren’t.

[sexualhelon]

Sounds like she wants this open thing more than you do... if thats the case its not going to work man, ticking time bomb. If you're not feeling it, you have to tell her how you feel and if she values banging other dudes over something real with you then it might be time to move on....
I was seeing a girl who was poly for a while, told me shes always been in open things, i didnt really give a shit cause i wasnt super invested anyway and knew it was just some fun for the time but i knew it wouldnt work long term. If i love someone, i dont want to share them, if my current chick suggested open relationship, id say if you want to see other people go for it but i wont be around.

Thanks for the replies, nice to hear other peoples takes and feel like I'm not crazy.

TBH, the poly thing bothers me more than an open relationship. But, I mean, I hooked up with other people during our relationship when we were apart. I'd feel slightly contradictory to just say no to "trying" an open relationship. She's a little younger and didn't have as many partners as me. So I can get that she'd be curious about hooking up with other people but if she started doing it all the time then I'd probably get bummed. If she needs to get it out of her system, go for it.

I'd like to think, that she just thinks this is what she wants or needs to get some release then be over it. It works for some people, not a hard no for me on "trying" it, but yeah I don't think either is for me long term. So we'll see.

[landedprimo]

I've been pounding the same vag for the passed going on 17 years, so I don't know what to tell ya.

I looked at your blog and IG and I'm jealous of your life.

Good luck with your "being able to fuck whoever you want" issue. I hope it heals up soon.

Shalom

[LordManHammer]

Expand Quote

Sounds like she wants this open thing more than you do... if thats the case its not going to work man, ticking time bomb. If you're not feeling it, you have to tell her how you feel and if she values banging other dudes over something real with you then it might be time to move on....
I was seeing a girl who was poly for a while, told me shes always been in open things, i didnt really give a shit cause i wasnt super invested anyway and knew it was just some fun for the time but i knew it wouldnt work long term. If i love someone, i dont want to share them, if my current chick suggested open relationship, id say if you want to see other people go for it but i wont be around.

[close]

Thanks for the replies, nice to hear other peoples takes and feel like I'm not crazy.

TBH, the poly thing bothers me more than an open relationship. But, I mean, I hooked up with other people during our relationship when we were apart. I'd feel slightly contradictory to just say no to "trying" an open relationship. She's a little younger and didn't have as many partners as me. So I can get that she'd be curious about hooking up with other people but if she started doing it all the time then I'd probably get bummed. If she needs to get it out of her system, go for it.

I'd like to think, that she just thinks this is what she wants or needs to get some release then be over it. It works for some people, not a hard no for me on "trying" it, but yeah I don't think either is for me long term. So we'll see.

I have had a few polyamorous ladies a few times in my life some were open about it some were just liars who snuck around my back. My times with them wasn't for me. Call it me being needy and lonely but when dealing with gals like that it is one of the reasons I had self value issues and have tried but failed lasting relationships.

Could be me cheating on them or...... hearing or being around someone who knows your lady stepped out on the side gets into your head which I try not to be jealous of buttttt.....

We are all animals and we want to be with one vagina no matter what the world tells us from threesome fantasies with some big titties ass for days with baby oil you know to some other type of shit.

It's better to self evaluate and as what you want in this world to hell with getting your feelings and heart broken when she steps out, to me that hurts worse then giving your all no way you should stand for it. I think you might need to draw a line in the sand not only for yourself worth but to give you peace of mind.
 
Look man I am a sex addict and have been caught up in some strange more than a few times also I'm a serial cheater. ^{(not proud of it just stating a fact that has haunted me for years[}

Just know you can't tame someone who wants to play the field of dicks, sooner you get that in you head the better you'll feel and you'll realize hey if you got it like that with ladies who want to fuck other chicks go for it, but make sure you state guidelines so not to get yourself in some bullshit you can't get out of.

[Bagelskate]

If you both can separate sex from feelings then it would work. Judging by her crying when the dude broke it off with her, she might not be there.

[Jollyoli]

I've been in casual relationships where that has been fine, if they became more serious there was a drop off in seeing other people without there being spoken thing. Once that becomes normal the rules have changed and if there is a third party on the cards it needs to be agreed beforehand, no just hooking up with randoms from the club or if you've had a fight.
If you don't want a relationship like that you have to say, perhaps she is looking for a reaction, wanting you to be possessive and protective of her.
People are crazy, and women doubly so.

[NORTHBYMIDWEST]

I feel like "open relationships" even when started with the best of intentions always get weird, especially if you're married. When I was in college me, my girl at the time and one of her friends had a three way and we were broken up probably a month afterwards. My girlfriend was the one pushing for it to happen and I was whatever about it so I just went with it and she ended up being the one who couldn't handle it afterward. Talking about shit is one thing but doing it is a completely different story, hope shit works out for ya'll bro.

[iKobrakai]

Open relationships are like "Tricks With Willy Santos". "Bend you knees, pop, flip the board and ride away clean."

Sounds good, does not work.

[Beeda Weeda]

Open relationships are like "Tricks With Willy Santos". "Bend you knees, pop, flip the board and ride away clean."

Sounds good, does not work.

lol/thread.

[the snake]

solid thread to read, open relationship sounds like no relationship to me
*mentally gnared, iKobrakai

[os89]

Yea I couldn't do it. Just too much extra shit to have on your mind all the time. Just be single and fuck whoever you want or just stay with one chick.

If you can do the whole open relationship thing though more power too you. Still i'd just rather be single and have no attachments if you just wanna slay ass.

[beatifk]

I think they can work. Depends a lot on the people.

I could never be in a polyamorous situation because emotions and casual sex are 2 very different things to me (and because it seems strangely culty and weird for whatever reason), but I know plenty of people make it work. But I've been in open relationships that have worked and I liked it. There is always jealousy and weirdness but it's only human to have those feelings and they pass quickly.
 
Younger people seem to be more comfortable with non-monogamy than us older folks. I think open relationships are cool, because they satisfy a very primitive animal instinct while maintaining a meaningful relationship, but honesty (to yourself, your partner and your casual encounters) is key.

[Willie]

Sounds like she wants this open thing more than you do...

It sounds to me the the OP wants sex with multiple partners and the wife wants a deeper relationship with other men. 

OP was the one who was taking advantage of the “open” feature of the relationship and then when his wife found someone it was more serious for her and “rules” needed to be “clarified”.

Ideally, both partners want the same things in their dalliances, have the same rules, etc. but if you get what you really want and she doesn’t get what she really wants under a uniform rule system, then the rules aren’t really fair.


I think for this to work you need a really need a strong relationship or joint home ownership or kids or something that keeps the bond between you two the strongest gravitational force in your orbit. Otherwise it’s like you’re constantly test driving new cars and eventually one of you will find one you like better.

Good luck.

[AssFlea]

Is there any other kind

[Betaphenylethylalamine]

Expand Quote

Sounds like she wants this open thing more than you do...

[close]

It sounds to me the the OP wants sex with multiple partners and the wife wants a deeper relationship with other men. 

OP was the one who was taking advantage of the “open” feature of the relationship and then when his wife found someone it was more serious for her and “rules” needed to be “clarified”.

Ideally, both partners want the same things in their dalliances, have the same rules, etc. but if you get what you really want and she doesn’t get what she really wants under a uniform rule system, then the rules aren’t really fair.


I think for this to work you need a really need a strong relationship or joint home ownership or kids or something that keeps the bond between you two the strongest gravitational force in your orbit. Otherwise it’s like you’re constantly test driving new cars and eventually one of you will find one you like better.

Good luck.

Domt listen to this guy. Dont have kids, your situation is fucked up and always will be.

Doesnt sound like a serious "relationship" in any way shape or form. What youse have is convenience.

[Willie]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Sounds like she wants this open thing more than you do...

[close]

It sounds to me the the OP wants sex with multiple partners and the wife wants a deeper relationship with other men. 

OP was the one who was taking advantage of the “open” feature of the relationship and then when his wife found someone it was more serious for her and “rules” needed to be “clarified”.

Ideally, both partners want the same things in their dalliances, have the same rules, etc. but if you get what you really want and she doesn’t get what she really wants under a uniform rule system, then the rules aren’t really fair.


I think for this to work you need a really need a strong relationship or joint home ownership or kids or something that keeps the bond between you two the strongest gravitational force in your orbit. Otherwise it’s like you’re constantly test driving new cars and eventually one of you will find one you like better.

Good luck.

[close]

Domt listen to this guy. Dont have kids, your situation is fucked up and always will be.

Doesnt sound like a serious "relationship" in any way shape or form. What youse have is convenience.

Wasn't telling him to have kids. I was saying that unless there are some serious anchors in their relationship (didn't he say they were married?), this fucking around thing is probably going to blow the fuck up.

[formula420]

Case by case with this topic. I know couple that have been together for decades and they swing around. You need to ask yourself what you actually want from the relationship. Sex is important, but it is not the most important part. If a sexual issue causes a breakup, that relationship was probably not on solid foundation in the first place.

But who am I kidding. I haven't had a gf in a decade, I really shouldn't give advice.

[arrbee]

It always looks and sounds good on paper. Almost never is once materialized.

[arrbee]

Case by case with this topic. I know couple that have been together for decades and they swing around. You need to ask yourself what you actually want from the relationship. Sex is important, but it is not the most important part. If a sexual issue causes a breakup, that relationship was probably not on solid foundation in the first place.

But who am I kidding. I haven't had a gf in a decade, I really shouldn't give advice.

Not entirely, say you and your partner haven't had sex in months, maybe even years. You come to grips with it because you love that person and its not the only thing they have to offer even though you still want/need sex in your life.  They come home from work one day and tell you they want to have an open sexual relationship. I at least would take issue with this, like you want to have sex just not with me?

[Cool Ceith]

I feel for you, man. Dr. Drew fielded this question frequently on Loveline and he always made it clear that, basically, open relationships just aren't worth it for a married couple. There are varying degrees (like sharing the same partner in a threesome, but never without you; or, you're both on the road a lot and just want a casual hook-up) but I'd imagine that the issue of trust would constantly be hanging over your relationship in some way.

Kudos for sharing your story, though. You described this messy situation perfectly.

[LordManHammer]

I feel like "open relationships" even when started with the best of intentions always get weird, especially if you're married. When I was in college me, my girl at the time and one of her friends had a three way and we were broken up probably a month afterwards. My girlfriend was the one pushing for it to happen and I was whatever about it so I just went with it and she ended up being the one who couldn't handle it afterward. Talking about shit is one thing but doing it is a completely different story, hope shit works out for ya'll bro.

Yeah that's weird how that happens?

  One of my ex's was like oh I am bisexual and I was like ok... kept it cool on the outside on the inside I was like yeah son now I have that rare unicorn!!!!

 So we're girl shopping at local punk shows and at Victoria Secret's various other shops where someone might be into it she's doing all the talking btw and macking on chicks sussing them out whatnot.

I had a friend who came into town whom I hadn't seen for a while and was living in SF for a bit I pick her up from the ATL airport. 

It's just me and her mind you and she's asking me what's up with you and so and so..... I use to fool around with my friend but it was a platonic we've never considered being together as we were going in different directions in life me being into punk/metal she's was/is into raving/hippie culture goal oriented me I just like working and skating.

Well I just hint at what has been going down in regards of sexual frustration and asking her opinions of you think I should go through with this? Or should I say something or try to bring in another gal?

Longstory short she said to me the reason she's doing this is for her own interests so she can find a connection with the lady hence why she's doing the talking when girl shopping. (I had no clue) as most threesomes I've had were just like oh you want to hook up and you too? cool let's do this and that's that.

So as I tell my current gf at the time hey my friends in town hope you don't mind she sleeps on the couch? She says it's cool in a passive way.

So one day as I'm coming home from a telemarketing job I hear giggling and noises and screaming, I walk in my friend and gf are going down on each other. I say alright so this is happening and get naked the action was heated and awesome but as soon as I complete and watching them they're going at it like rabbits and you know how there's fucking and making love as way of showing passion and feelings this was going on, I admit with certain reluctant feeling I got jealous but they reached at me and we went for round two.

Fast forward after the events I am stoked but there's tension between the two ladies like unspoken sniping at each other and my gf is getting pissed at me for relatively nothing. Here I am young and naive I said something stupid y'all were banging like rabbits 3 days ago now you guy's are ready to swing at each other?

Needless to say I had to get a motel with my friend that night, I asked my lady friend wtf?! did I say something wrong?  she went into a long sordid history of how women can switch like a lightbulb and even when they have sex.  which led me to believe you can have hate sex with someone you despise but that's a different story.

It just boggles my mind when ladies are like that, if I was gay I'd hope the same respect of ok lets get down and not call each other afterwards and that'd be that. Sadly ladies are a whole other landmine of hoops and bullshit one has to deal with when adding another lady in the mix too much to deal with.

[Jagr]

Open relationships are like "Tricks With Willy Santos". "Bend you knees, pop, flip the board and ride away clean."

Sounds good, does not work.

[L33Tg33k]

If you're doing the open thing why don't you tell your partner about your good ol' pal L33T and have her drop me a line? Tell her it's for charity.

[sexualhelon]

Well thanks for all the insights and voices of reason. She's been pretty torn up about it all day, cried a fair amount. If I comment on anything she gets bummed, doesn't wanna talk about it. I said if she was so torn up and cared more about being friends why not just text him that they can just be friends. Seems kind of in denial about the reality, doesn't want my advice on the matter.

Anyway, that may have been it. She said she doesn't want this anymore so we're putting it on indefinite pause. So, yeah, I value the honesty but I guess for us shit got weird/shitty real quick. I feel like I could sorta manage, I don't get attached like that, but don't care for it atm. It feels like this is something she thought she wanted to try but now realizes she gets feelings too quick. I'll say, from my experience, good that we opened up about all our wants/needs/desires but this shit requires way too much talking.

[pizzafliptofakie]

I don't see anything wrong with polyamory as long as both parties consent, but most of the people I know who have done it never seem particularly happy about it. If it isn't to try and revitalize a failing relationship it's usually one partner who wants to do it with the other begrudgingly agreeing to it. One of my friends will constantly try and tell me how freeing and beautiful it is, but then will always complain when her partner does it even within their agreement.