Author Topic: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel  (Read 4135 times)

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psuckadelic

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #30 on: March 21, 2020, 10:53:48 AM »
One time I used papertowels to flush down my apartment a while ago because I ran out of TP and was too lazy to go to a store for like a week or two, and the papertowels went down well, or so it seemed, well one day it clogged and I couldn’t get the shit out with a plunger, I was like fuck I’m gonna have to pay for a plumber, but luckily the next day I had to take a flight for a 3 week job stint. I was like maybe by the time I get back the natural pressure will push the shit/papertowels back up. When I came home from the trip my bathroom/apartment smelled fucking terrible, the shit had come back up from the toilet and so had the papertowels, got some gloves and removed the papertowels and disposed of them in the trash, and then flushed the toilet. Gave my bathroom/apartment 40-50 axe double pits to chesty for like a 24 hour period. So yeah didn’t have to pay for a plumber, but fuck was that gross.

Oh my god that is fucked up.
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mynameisnotjeff

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #31 on: March 21, 2020, 10:56:07 AM »
http://twitter.com/savinthebees/status/1241178899280572416?s=21

Figured you could all use the laugh. That being said toilet seat covers are as bad as knives. I have never disrespected my ass hole that bad ever again.
Nothing I do deserves more than an iphone camera.

Raccoon Manne

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #32 on: March 21, 2020, 11:14:59 AM »
I’d rather hop in the shower and clean off my shit like that.  Would never use paper towels to wipe, that will give you a raw asshole. It’s straight up barbaric.

Yeah, it makes me wonder about people. If I don't shower after making a deposit, I feel unclean and nasty. Wiping your ass with tp doesn't really clean your asstral realm, you need to wash down there dummies.

one-off

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #33 on: March 21, 2020, 11:31:40 AM »
America is now in wartime conditions.
The war is between me and you for that roll of toilet paper.

worksafeusername

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #34 on: March 21, 2020, 11:31:51 AM »
crumple the paper

Francis Xavier

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #35 on: March 21, 2020, 11:33:27 AM »
Get a spray bottle,fill it with water. Spray once onto the paper towel and wipe. Repeat as necessary. And don't flush it,just be mindful of your trash. Or just shit in the shower IDK

Damn I left my bubbler at my parents house

JANUS

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #36 on: March 21, 2020, 11:48:29 AM »
Cheetahsheets is the kind of guy who wipes with paper towel instead of washing his ass. That checks out.
If you can't handle me at my Marc Johnson, you don't deserve me at my Bobby Puleo.

HugeBodBoyle

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #37 on: March 21, 2020, 12:02:19 PM »
Viva paper towels are very soft.

Not A Damn Chance

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #38 on: March 21, 2020, 12:06:14 PM »
In a time of need I once tore up a paper bag and used that to wipe.  I didn’t think it was that crazy but I guess I’m a piece of shit.

psuckadelic

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #39 on: March 21, 2020, 12:16:06 PM »
In a time of need I once tore up a paper bag and used that to wipe.  I didn’t think it was that crazy but I guess I’m a piece of shit.

I've resorted to straight paper. In fact that reminds me of a time I woke up one morning in a stranger's house still drunk from the night before and was about to shit my pants. Went into the bathroom did my business and all I could find were spent cardboard cylinders. That was a strange sensation.
Cleaned up best I could then walked down to the corner store for a tall boy for myself and a pack of tp for my host.
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Kylo Send

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #40 on: March 21, 2020, 12:45:55 PM »
Secret tip, tear off pieces of the paper towel to avoid clogging and wasting. You don't need much.

BL0B

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #41 on: March 21, 2020, 02:19:36 PM »
I have lurked here for 20 years and never made an account, but did today for one reason: get a bidet from Amazon for $30. You won't have to worry about TP shortage and your life will improve in general.


i don't have a bidet, butt i highly recommend fiber supplements. especially if you have brownie battered butt cheeks, i went down to one square of precautionary tp, pretty much all my turds are no wipers.

SneakySecrets

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #42 on: March 21, 2020, 07:12:06 PM »
Wiped my ass with a bus ticket once.  Not my proudest moment.
When nothing in society deserves respect, we should fashion for ourselves in solitude new silent loyalties.

rusty knees

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #43 on: March 21, 2020, 08:33:04 PM »
remember phone books?

Francis Xavier

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #44 on: March 21, 2020, 09:08:02 PM »
remember phone books?
Yea, but the ink bleeds onto your ass. Imagine looking for a plumber with your cheeks spread open in the mirror.

Damn I left my bubbler at my parents house

BL0B

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #45 on: March 21, 2020, 09:11:10 PM »
Expand Quote
remember phone books?
[close]
Yea, but the ink bleeds onto your ass. Imagine looking for a plumber with your cheeks spread open in the mirror.


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Abyss1

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #46 on: March 21, 2020, 09:17:01 PM »
Makes me wonder if public restrooms are now all out of TP

VHS ERA

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #47 on: March 21, 2020, 09:21:27 PM »

psuckadelic

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #48 on: March 21, 2020, 09:27:00 PM »


That's the best meme I've ever seen.
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CrappyChan

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #49 on: March 21, 2020, 09:43:24 PM »
My dad took me hunting for wild boar when i was 13, trying to make a man out of me. Sat in the forest in the dark forever, listening out for them. Not a sound. The sun comes up, still waiting silently at the base of this fucking tree, no talking allowed. Finally a sound. Its my guts squirming, I had to take a shit. I walk a hundred yards or so off deeper into the fauna. There is a downed tree, perfect for poppin a squat on. The thickest stickiest turd falls out after a few gutteral pushes, dropping a couple feet to the forest floor with a plop. Its the dead of winter, there seems to be nothing but shriveled brittle brown or orange leaves for me to try to regain my anus' dignity. Had to resort to breaking off a stick from the dead tree and credit carding my pre pubescent ass with it. It had a few gnarly knots and kinks. Awful sensation but better than a leaf of poison ivy or oak. I was wearing the chris cole van halen fallens. The entire time i was shitting i was paranoid a boar was gonna gore me in the asshole. I've never told this story but I'm glad its relevant now and hope you all enjoy.

Ps, never even fucking saw a goddamn animal besides a squirrel in that forest, hunting is a rip off. Fuck geoff rowley you damn ex vegan
« Last Edit: March 21, 2020, 10:11:03 PM by CrappyChan »
"From Todd Falcon to Tony Hawk, the Ben Raybourn story"


ArtVandelay

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #50 on: March 21, 2020, 09:46:15 PM »
Wait some people really take a shower after every shit? Damn that sounds excessive. And ancient Romans used a few different things including sea sponges on a stick and thick rope soaked in sea water. So idk try that? Sounds pretty rough

psuckadelic

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #51 on: March 21, 2020, 10:08:33 PM »
Ny dad took me hunting for wild boar when i was 13, trying to make a man out of me. Sat in the forest in the dark forever, listening out for them. Not a sound. The sun comes up, still waiting silently at the base of this fucking tree, no talking allowed. Finally a sound. Its my guts squirming, I had to take a shit. I walk a hundred yards or so off deeper into the fauna. There is a downed tree, perfect for poppin a squat on. The thickest stickiest turd falls out after a few gutteral pushes, dropping a couple feet to the forest floor with a plop. Its the dead of winter, there seems to be nothing but shriveled brittle brown or orange leaves for me to try to regain my anus' dignity. Had to resort to breaking off a stick from the dead tree and credit carding my pre pubescent ass with it. It had a few gnarly knots and kinks. Awful sensation but better than a leaf of poison ivy or oak. I was wearing the chris cole van halen fallens. The entire time i was shitting i was paranoid a boar was gonna gore me in the asshole. I've never told this story but I'm glad its relevant now and hope you all enjoy.

Ps, never even fucking saw a goddamn animal besides a squirrel in that forest, hunting is a rip off. Fuck geoff rowley you damn ex vegan

God damn. Thank you for sharing.
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winecrab

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #52 on: March 21, 2020, 10:19:44 PM »
I eat a couple of ounces of kratom a day. I shit compressed tiny little pebbles and never have to wipe (I still do obviously just in case). I used paper towels a couple of weeks ago and it was totally fine. Wasn't rough and had no problems flushing. You can even use normal paper if it gets that bad. Just crumple the shit out of it and it becomes soft. You can also just go to Wendy's like I did and take like 200 napkins.

Cheetahsheets: I'm glad you went through that. You're the fucking worst. Only person I've actually used the ignore function on in my 15+ years on slap.

DirtyBurger

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #53 on: March 21, 2020, 11:11:05 PM »
Whenever I go out to eat at any fast food place I always save the left over napkins they give me, and the the ones I grab. Everyone used to make fun of me for it, but now that everyones wiping their ass with sticks and socks...

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dooley

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #54 on: March 22, 2020, 05:43:06 AM »
Wait some people really take a shower after every shit? Damn that sounds excessive. And ancient Romans used a few different things including sea sponges on a stick and thick rope soaked in sea water. So idk try that? Sounds pretty rough
Almost seems like they were just smearing it around.

I once rolled a fatty out of a post-it. Would not recommend. Wendy's napkins for sure.

JANUS

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #55 on: March 22, 2020, 07:36:55 AM »
In a drunk rage, I once took a shit on the ground, then ripped my boxers off Hulkamania style, wiped my ass with them, and left the tore up, shit covered boxers on top of the turd mound. And I still think you motherfuckers are barbarians for not washing your asses. I was miles from home. You filthy fucks were probably within a few feet of your showers and you’re using paper towels and blunt wraps? For shame.
If you can't handle me at my Marc Johnson, you don't deserve me at my Bobby Puleo.

SHARPSHOOTER

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #56 on: March 22, 2020, 07:40:59 AM »
You think that's bad? Consider a reactor, my reactor, were shutting it down, 100 to 0. The reactor has been operated at max percent for a long time, After shutdown, xenon 135 is no longer produced by fission and is no longer removed by burnup. The only remaining production mechanism is the decay of that dummy thicc iodine 135, which was in the core at the time I shut er' down. The only removal mechanism for this xenon, is to decay and fucc of, so when the reactor power is decreased, xenon concentration initially increases, because the xenon burnup falls to zero and the the iodine decay at 6.6 hours is faster than the the xenon decay at like 9.2 hours or so. Kk, so now my reactor, I know it very well. Like I know the rate of the increase depends on the original neutron flux and increases with increasing flux. I've even noticed at some large values of the neutron flux, peak concentration occurs at 11.3 hours after shutdown. The amount of additional negative reactivity in the xenon peak is so damm dependent, especially on original neutron flux. For my reactor shutdown from 100 to zero the amount of additional negative reactivity may reach up to 2500pcm!!!! After reaching this xenon peak, the production of xenon from iodine decay is less than the removal of xenon by decay and the concentration of xenon 135 finally decreases. After another ten half-lives (80 hours, or 700 cycles of my blender bear meme render stress test,) all the xenon undergo a beta decay, this decay causes a continuous thrusting (and I mean THRUSTING) of positive reactivity, which  now must be taken into account in my subcriticality maintenance, or when approaching to criticality. I just find it appaling that the fucking xenon 135 concentration about 20 hours after shutdown from full power will be the same as the equilibrium xenon 135 concentration at full power. Thats non bueno for me, memes cannot wait forever. About 3 days after shutdown, the xenon 135 concentration will have finally decreased to a small percentage of its pre-shutdown level, and my reactor can be assumed to be xenon free. Three days of neutron poisoning, I cant stand xenon man. It's so pretentious.
My favourite element used to be Krypton because of Superman but then I learned it’s a inert gas and those are lame.

fang

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #57 on: March 22, 2020, 08:40:00 AM »
Just shit in the grass then scoot your ass. My dogs do it all the time

Bristol_Palin

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #58 on: March 22, 2020, 08:55:27 AM »
real talk I have ibs and I get hemorrhoids so this thread is just giving me anxiety.

CHONGO

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Re: I just wiped my ass with a paper towel
« Reply #59 on: March 22, 2020, 09:26:27 AM »
just wait till you use a blue shop towel.