Author Topic: Jokes (Read 3728 times)

Featherdale wildlife park · « **Reply #30 on:** October 10, 2020, 05:32:24 AM »

There’s two pies in an oven.
One pie says to the others pie “jeebus it sure is hot in here!”
The other pie says...

“What tha fuck! A TALKING PIE!!!!”

Deputy Wendell · « **Reply #31 on:** October 10, 2020, 06:29:20 AM »

Quote from: Billy Bitchcakes on October 10, 2020, 03:12:54 AM

Quote from: Deputy Wendell on October 09, 2020, 07:09:20 AM
Expand Quote
Two friends are sitting together in a movie theater.

One friend leans over to his friend and says: "Fuck man, do you smell that? Did you fart or shit yourself or something?"

The other friend responds: "Holy shit, I do. That's not me man."

The first friend says: "Hey, maybe it's that guy sitting in front of us."

So the first friend leans forward and asks the guy sitting in front of them: "Hey man, did you shit yourself or something?"

And the guy in front of the two friends responds: "Yeah, why?"
[close]

This made me laugh so hard for some reason

right? i have no idea why this is so funny to me too--i was laughing as i typed it

it's literally the only joke i know and funny enough, i heard it in an old Jean-Luc Godard film...i don't even remember which one anymore

layzieyez · « **Reply #32 on:** October 10, 2020, 11:27:41 AM »

I think I got this from the National Lampoon magazine.

How did Cinderella die? Her tampon turned into a pumpkin.

I love being a dad. I tell dead baby jokes from that old Totally Tasteless Jokes book to my daughter and her friends whenever I have to give them a ride somewhere.

G raham · « **Reply #33 on:** October 10, 2020, 10:27:58 PM »

Chef gordon ramsay removes his face from between his wife's legs.

'This is the worst pussy i've ever tasted. And the kitchen's a FUCKING mess.'

G raham · « **Reply #34 on:** October 10, 2020, 10:32:50 PM »

Some religious FUCKS just came to my door with some pamphlets. They were polite and full of information, great experience.

G raham · « **Reply #35 on:** October 10, 2020, 10:36:13 PM »

Quote from: j....soy..... on October 05, 2020, 01:10:03 PM

Norm McDonald Joke:

Guy walks into a dentists office and says.....'I think I'm a bug!'
Dentist says...,'you realize I am a dentist not a psychiatrist don't you....'
'I know' says the guy..
'Why did you come in here?' Asks the dentist

'Light was on.....'

dont tell me you're not aware of his infinitely better version of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJN9mBRX3uo&t=126s

G raham · « **Reply #36 on:** October 10, 2020, 10:37:13 PM »

i love norm more than words can express

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVcpB0r2LJQ

G raham · « **Reply #37 on:** October 10, 2020, 10:37:42 PM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeaH_0NRDZw

G raham · « **Reply #38 on:** October 10, 2020, 10:38:11 PM »

Quote from: Telly on October 05, 2020, 06:10:34 AM

Why didn’t hitler drink vodka?

It made him mean.

hahahahah

G raham · « **Reply #39 on:** October 10, 2020, 10:43:32 PM »

Quote from: Deputy Wendell on October 09, 2020, 07:09:20 AM

Two friends are sitting together in a movie theater.

One friend leans over to his friend and says: "Fuck man, do you smell that? Did you fart or shit yourself or something?"

The other friend responds: "Holy shit, I do. That's not me man."

The first friend says: "Hey, maybe it's that guy sitting in front of us."

So the first friend leans forward and asks the guy sitting in front of them: "Hey man, did you shit yourself or something?"

And the guy in front of the two friends responds: "Yeah, why?"

amazing

Billy Bitchcakes · « **Reply #40 on:** October 11, 2020, 10:50:50 AM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99atc3d3s4k

Sluggloaph · « **Reply #41 on:** October 11, 2020, 11:34:12 AM »

Two gentiles see each other across the street. They recognize each other from high school. One crossed to meet the other. The other gentile greets his salad days chum and says "how's business?"
his friend goes" it's great!"

Sluggloaph · « **Reply #42 on:** October 11, 2020, 11:37:02 AM »

What's better than a gold metal at the special olympics? Not being regular.

That's enough tho, I'm gonna order pizzas to watch football. I always get the same thing, two large plains. For 9.11$ that's a deal!

DirtyBurger · « **Reply #43 on:** October 11, 2020, 05:21:30 PM »

A man is walking down the street, an ambulance speeds around the corner and the back doors fly open. Some items fly out, including a small box. The man walks over to it and picks it up. He opens it to see whats inside, he gasps as to find out it is full of human toes. All races and sizes, but full of human toes. He panics as to the fact that he's holding a box of human toes. He's not sure what to do, it's not an emergency and he doesn't want to waste 911's time, but still, he has to figure out what do with his box of human toes. He get's an idea and calls someone else who he thinks can help him dispose of the box of human toes.

He calls a tow truck.

4LOM · « **Reply #44 on:** December 25, 2020, 07:20:42 AM »

Why did the jock give milk and cookies to his friends on Christmas Eve?

“Bro’s before ho ho ho’s”

Urtripping · « **Reply #45 on:** December 25, 2020, 12:02:54 PM »

A bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'll take a Jack and......... Coke."

The bartender says, "Sure thing, but what's with the big pause?"

The bear replies, "I dunno, I was born with em."

Urtripping · « **Reply #46 on:** December 25, 2020, 12:04:55 PM »

Quote from: Billy Bitchcakes on October 11, 2020, 10:50:50 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99atc3d3s4k

He's so funny, this was my favorite. Norm does it well too.

Edit: definitely not safe to listen to this at work or around the family on this fine Christmas day

http://youtu.be/aGA0dIz9-Wk

TheLurper · « **Reply #47 on:** December 25, 2020, 12:19:25 PM »

I posted this in another thread, but it is good enough to repeat...

How many skaters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, one to film it, and one to say, "Dude, that was awesome."

matty_c · « **Reply #48 on:** December 25, 2020, 12:22:29 PM »

this kiwi gets a job at a sheep station and the farmer says to him mate head up the paddock and start shearing em, I’ll be up in a few hours with smoko

he heads up there a few hours later and the kiwis got a couple of the ewes round the back and he’s fucking them

the farmer says cunt what the fuck are you doing I told you to fucking shear them

kiwi says not on your life mate I ain’t shearing these with nobody

funeral_tuxedo · « **Reply #49 on:** December 25, 2020, 09:39:14 PM »

an old man sits in a chair looking out the window
a young girl enters the room
young girl - "Grandpa, why do you go to bed at 8pm every night?"
old man - "Somebody has gotta wake up early and tell that sunrise to mind its own business."
the old man continues to look out the window

Cellular · « **Reply #50 on:** December 25, 2020, 09:49:03 PM »

what happens when an epileptic person breaks into an arcade to find coins?

illegal search and seizure

RoaryMcTwang · « **Reply #51 on:** December 25, 2020, 11:44:49 PM »

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Freelancevagrant · « **Reply #52 on:** December 27, 2020, 12:31:52 PM »

A preist, a reverend, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, I think I’m a typo.

One day an old man and his grandson were sitting on the porch. The old man lights a cigarette and his young grandson asks if he can have one, the old man replies “is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?” To which the kid sighs no, and his grandfather says, I’m sorry you’re too young. A little while later the old man cracks open a beer and again the kid asks if he can have one, and again his grandfather asks if his dick can touch his asshole and again the kid says no. A while later the young man was eating a cookie and his grandfather asks for one. The young man says, “is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?” To which the old man yells, “well hell yeah it is!” And the young man replies, “then you can go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me.”

theSketchLord · « **Reply #53 on:** December 28, 2020, 09:01:47 AM »

Quote from: Cellular on December 25, 2020, 09:49:03 PM

what happens when an epileptic person breaks into an arcade to find coins?

illegal search and seizure

As an epileptic this is FUCKING GOLD.

Madam, I'm Adam · « **Reply #54 on:** December 28, 2020, 10:11:53 AM »

Quote from: matty_c on December 25, 2020, 12:22:29 PM

this kiwi gets a job at a sheep station and the farmer says to him mate head up the paddock and start shearing em, I’ll be up in a few hours with smoko

he heads up there a few hours later and the kiwis got a couple of the ewes round the back and he’s fucking them

the farmer says cunt what the fuck are you doing I told you to fucking shear them

kiwi says not on your life mate I ain’t shearing these with nobody

This is funny already but it's 10x funnier with all the Australian vocabulary, gnarred

Cellular · « **Reply #55 on:** December 28, 2020, 09:54:12 PM »

Quote from: theSketchLord on December 28, 2020, 09:01:47 AM

Quote from: Cellular on December 25, 2020, 09:49:03 PM
Expand Quote
what happens when an epileptic person breaks into an arcade to find coins?

illegal search and seizure
[close]

As an epileptic this is FUCKING GOLD.

thank you because it ruined thanksgiving dinner

Gary Bucket · « **Reply #56 on:** January 05, 2021, 04:59:45 PM »

I was riding shot gun with a buddy on a road trip and told him to pull over so I could go to the bathroom. He had just finished a Gatorade so he gave my the bottle and said “here, use this”. So I shit in the bottle

weon · « **Reply #57 on:** January 05, 2021, 05:20:10 PM »

What’s the difference between a really old bus stop, and a lobster that got plastic surgery?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean

matty_c · « **Reply #58 on:** January 05, 2021, 10:03:18 PM »

There’s this new bloke working on a farm and he gets sent out to check the fences. Boss says just call me if there’s any dramas

He rings up a few hours later, says he’s hit a pig and it’s all tangled up in the bullbar, making one hell of a noise.

The farmer says no worries look in the back there’s a rifle. You gotta put the gun right up to his head and pull the trigger, he’ll go all limp and you can get him out that way.

Dude rings up maybe 20 mins later, farmers like well what is it now, you shoot the pig or what?

He says yeah but it’s his motorbike, it’s still under the ute

behavioralguide · « **Reply #59 on:** January 06, 2021, 05:05:12 AM »

Quote from: G raham on October 10, 2020, 10:36:13 PM

Quote from: j....soy..... on October 05, 2020, 01:10:03 PM
Expand Quote
Norm McDonald Joke:

Guy walks into a dentists office and says.....'I think I'm a bug!'
Dentist says...,'you realize I am a dentist not a psychiatrist don't you....'
'I know' says the guy..
'Why did you come in here?' Asks the dentist

'Light was on.....'
[close]

dont tell me you're not aware of his infinitely better version of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJN9mBRX3uo&t=126s

I think the way j...soy... butchered the joke adds to it in a very norm macdonaldish way

Author Topic: Jokes (Read 3728 times)

Featherdale wildlife park

Deputy Wendell