anyone else having a tough time?

[pizzafliptofakie]

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Sending good wishes to those going through it. These are certainly trying times with or without extended circumstances.



2020 has been a series of waves for me. I live alone and generally love it, but the first while of quarantining with literally zero interaction with anyone was definitely a very jarring experience. After awhile I finally got motivated to make the most of it and skated/filmed with a small group I trusted and started working on some music that had been sitting on the backburner and it was very exciting. Then I broke my wrist and had to get surgery, so not only am I mostly stuck inside again, but I can't even do any of the downtime hobbies that made me feel better in the first place. I'm trying to keep my head up and use my downtime to force myself to read about more audio production stuff so I can make music more efficiently once I can play again. But some days it's pretty hard to feel motivated to do much of anything.

[close]

I broke my wrist two weeks ago aswell. On the first skate back after taking a month out with a quadriceps strain. Definitely feeling the lack of motivation. Some days I wake up and lie there for hours. Got some resistance bands though so I can still keep my body in check. What instruments do you play? I play bass and drums but have a synth and make electronic music too some i'm learning more about music theory and stuff so even if I can't play instruments i'm still chipping away.

How was your surgery? If mine doesn't look healed when i'm out of my cast the doctor said surgery is recommended. I'm nervous and hop it doesn't come to that.

My surgery was fine. There was actually like a 3 month gap between the injury and the surgery because the first urgent care I went to told me I was fine when I definitely wasn't so they put a screw in there. Once my cast comes off and I do some moderate physical therapy I'm expecting it to be fine but until then I'm just trying to play it super safe.



I play guitar, bass, sax, and I can loosely dabble on keys/synth, uke and mandolin. There have been like 3 or 4 points in my life where I've tried to buckle down and make a solo record but something extreme always gets in the way. Last time the computer I was using bricked and none of it was backed up, the time before that I lost my house and had to go stay with my parents. So breaking my wrist in middle of trying again feels so defeating but I'm trying to stay motivated and not give up again.

[Cellular]

i really am slipping behind and i dont know if i can keep living like this

i havent been eating three full meals for at least three months now, some days i wont eat anything at all, other days ill eat a lot.  i cant eat a lot of things i loved bc my body doesnt want to eat

i lost the most important people in my life or im in the process of losing them

i found benzos in a medicine cabinet and ive been taking them daily, and it leaves me so unmotivated and lazy

i have little motivation to skate and im worried bc i dont wanna lose the one thing keeping me sane

[Sila]

Think the withdrawals from stopping my antidepressants is kicking in. Thought I got over the hump but i'm having constant nightmares. Life feels like one long repetitive day where I don't really feel anything but apathy and the weight of my body.

[beatifk]

i really am slipping behind and i dont know if i can keep living like this

i havent been eating three full meals for at least three months now, some days i wont eat anything at all, other days ill eat a lot.  i cant eat a lot of things i loved bc my body doesnt want to eat

i lost the most important people in my life or im in the process of losing them

i found benzos in a medicine cabinet and ive been taking them daily, and it leaves me so unmotivated and lazy

i have little motivation to skate and im worried bc i dont wanna lose the one thing keeping me sane

I have this too. I usually eat breakfast (1 apple, yogurt, and some musli) and I'll eat a banana or a piece of bread during the day but other than that I'll eat nothing.

I never really cared much about food, but now I actively avoid eating because I hate feeling full, even a little bit. It must be some type of control thing in my mind, like it's the only thing in my life I can control now.

[Uncle Flea]

i really am slipping behind and i dont know if i can keep living like this

i havent been eating three full meals for at least three months now, some days i wont eat anything at all, other days ill eat a lot.  i cant eat a lot of things i loved bc my body doesnt want to eat

i lost the most important people in my life or im in the process of losing them

i found benzos in a medicine cabinet and ive been taking them daily, and it leaves me so unmotivated and lazy

i have little motivation to skate and im worried bc i dont wanna lose the one thing keeping me sane

You giving a shit and writing about is a sign that you can still stop your current direction.

I know because you're describing decades of my life.

I wrote this long thing but I know it would make people feel worse and potentially give people bad ideas not solutions.


The positive way I beat myself back into shape once in a while is with lists and alarm notifications.

So like today

I woke up 730 I smoked a half joint and did speed bag then the treadmill for a bit. Smoked half my one cigarette.

Then I did the cat pan and the cat food etc. Now I'm about to eat

I cooked blueberry banana oatmeal way too late.
I sat around here doing nothing till two alarms passed.

So just smoked the rest of the joint just now and I'm going to have a full banana on the side skip my lunch plan.

It's very hard for me to eat without my medical marijuana.

Then I got 4 appointments via the phone today.

I'll get in the shower and skate to the pharmacy hit

Then I gotta clean part of the house. Any part it doesn't matter so long as it's done well.

I usually focused on the bathroom or kitchen.
I just do what I can.

Right now I got to put down the phone.

Change is difficult. You can pull it if you try hard enough. Everyone can change..

Sorry if this reads wrong I'm in a big rush because I'm being an idiot

[Yoshi]

Decided to start to come off my anti anxiety/depression meds just before this second lockdown got announced in the UK. I’m hoping I can get through the month and carry on the progress to get off them finally..

[Grind King Rims]

Best of luck with that Yoshi. Just be sure to do some daily check-ins with yourself and see how you're feeling. Take it slow, what's most important is that you're in control. <3

[Yoshi]

Best of luck with that Yoshi. Just be sure to do some daily check-ins with yourself and see how you're feeling. Take it slow, what's most important is that you're in control. <3

Thanks man, will be posting on here more regular now. Gives me something to take my mind off a crappy day

[Allen.]

You've got this Yoshi!

[Cellular]

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i really am slipping behind and i dont know if i can keep living like this

i havent been eating three full meals for at least three months now, some days i wont eat anything at all, other days ill eat a lot.  i cant eat a lot of things i loved bc my body doesnt want to eat

i lost the most important people in my life or im in the process of losing them

i found benzos in a medicine cabinet and ive been taking them daily, and it leaves me so unmotivated and lazy

i have little motivation to skate and im worried bc i dont wanna lose the one thing keeping me sane

[close]

You giving a shit and writing about is a sign that you can still stop your current direction.

I know because you're describing decades of my life.

I wrote this long thing but I know it would make people feel worse and potentially give people bad ideas not solutions.


The positive way I beat myself back into shape once in a while is with lists and alarm notifications.

So like today

I woke up 730 I smoked a half joint and did speed bag then the treadmill for a bit. Smoked half my one cigarette.

Then I did the cat pan and the cat food etc. Now I'm about to eat

I cooked blueberry banana oatmeal way too late.
I sat around here doing nothing till two alarms passed.

So just smoked the rest of the joint just now and I'm going to have a full banana on the side skip my lunch plan.

It's very hard for me to eat without my medical marijuana.

Then I got 4 appointments via the phone today.

I'll get in the shower and skate to the pharmacy hit

Then I gotta clean part of the house. Any part it doesn't matter so long as it's done well.

I usually focused on the bathroom or kitchen.
I just do what I can.

Right now I got to put down the phone.

Change is difficult. You can pull it if you try hard enough. Everyone can change..

Sorry if this reads wrong I'm in a big rush because I'm being an idiot

i appreciate it man.  making a list actually helped a lot.  i feel better and i think im being more productive with both school and skating

[Yoshi]

You've got this Yoshi!

Thanks man, appreciate the support massively

[Grind King Rims]

How are we holding up, gang?

I've started trying to concentrate on positive, healthy stuff like upskilling, eating/sleeping right, stretching, reading, etc. I already knew this about myself, but if I don't keep busy, I get a bit depressed. It's harder to keep busy when I can't do a lot of things outside of the house, but I'm starting to concentrate on staying focused and active.

My biggest challenge is being okay with being on my own so much of the time. I miss my friends, I miss socializing. I find myself listening to podcasts constantly just so I'm not alone with my thoughts. But I'm trying to get back into meditation, exercise... Things that I have plenty of time for and are better for my head than staring at my phone for virtual company.

[jack burton]

Think the withdrawals from stopping my antidepressants is kicking in. Thought I got over the hump but i'm having constant nightmares. Life feels like one long repetitive day where I don't really feel anything but apathy and the weight of my body.

Recently stopped taking mine cold turkey since I moved out of state and haven’t found a new dr yet. I’m sure this was an incredibly easy fix but I feel very apathetic to most of the world around me. Most of the time I feel very little and if I do it’s just frustration/irritable. I have two jobs and if I’m not at either one I’m probably at home watching tv. Trying to get myself to skate more but between the rain in the pnw/ my anxiety I don’t get out much.

Also haven’t seen friends or family since I moved in May and been feeling homesick. Was going to go home to see my grandparents since they aren’t doing well but my sister got Covid. Everyone is fine but I’m now feeling like traveling is a very bad idea with the surges.

[Grind King Rims]

ARGGGGHH THIS FUCKING SUUUUUUUUUUCKS

[childhood]

You ever feel like the world as we've known it is over and done with, and then get depressed cause this is all you've done with your life?

Sadly, the future is no longer what it was

[IUTSM]

You ever feel like the world as we've known it is over and done with, and then get depressed cause this is all you've done with your life?

Sadly, the future is no longer what it was

Man, I know that feeling, that's why I've got old tattoos like "keep pushn", PMA, and "the future is unwritten" scrawled into me. Because I've been fighting to keep my head above water since before I even knew that's what I was doing.

Here's my take on it though, the future never existed. It doesn't. Our imagination of the future exists. Our expectations for the outcome are what exist. And those things, expectations, can be good to have as long as we're flexible. It's hella scary to imagine the world being in some post capitalist apocalyptic state. It's scary to think about dying or disease or starvation or our loved ones being not ok. That shit is real, the pain feels alive. It's inevitable that we're going to suffer, but if we accept that fact, that suffering is inevitable, we can be alright. It's wicked hard to not worry and feel like we haven't done enough or that it's the end, especially with a global pandemic raging, government orders shifting in right wing ways, along with all that that entails and seeing the rest of the world through the filter/lens of internet media.

What helps me is to find things I can do today. Right now. I know it's cheesy sounding, but focusing awareness on breath, the sounds around, sensations in the body, just for a moment or so, can really help break out of that angst. Realizing that we can't change the world, that we have got to go with the tide, has helped me tremendously. After years of coping without realizing that I Was coping through substance abuse, sex, relationship avoidance, being a yes man, dishonesty with myself and others, I hit a breaking point and don't see much else being a viable, sustainable option. You do you and figure out what you are. much love homie. I hope you're ok

[cucktard]

[

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I'm coming off of fentanyl and doing literally anything and everything I can not to go get more as I have never in my life felt so sick.

[close]

Jesus dude, hope you manage to kick that shit. Everyone I’ve worked with that used fent is fucking dead.

I’m a miserable fuck. Everything annoys me. The world is fucked, I don’t even want to skate, or go outside. I’m constantly exhausted. I’m going to force myself to go for a bike ride and try to clear my head.

[close]

Thanks dude. I've kicked heroin a bunch and it's nothing like fent. I just spent the last two hours going back and forth in my head about going to use. If it wasn't for my fiance I would have went. I can kick h standing on my head. Literally almost no problem. Fent is the worst thing I've ever been through. I had to go to the hospital and get an IV yesterday because I was so dehydrated from throwing up. I'm in a constant state of discomfort. It's hellish.

[close]

hang in there guys, and bless your fiance, wish everyone progress in what they are walking away from and running towards. m

This year has sucked, every time something positive has happened theres a family death or a second wave or a friend you though you connected with turning into an insufferable douchebag. quarentine and absence of bar nights has made quitting darts a little easier at least

[close]

You can do it bud.

I been there. I've kicked so many times I lost count. Mulitple opioids.  Every time you catch a habit the kick it's going to get worse.

I wish I could tell you the right thing to do but it differs.

NA is likely the best way

I took what I needed from them and others and created my own thing kinda.

I mostly copied my homie.

I likely wrote about it on here before.


...My life now...


I'm struggling with reconnecting with f&f. Social interactions etc.. Friends and family are bummed. I'm full blown flakey hermit now I'm 4 years outside the city.


I want to go see my family and my friends but I'm like such a huge disappointment in all areas of life from the last time I saw them.

I feel bad about disappearing.

I didn't get to say goodbye to my aunt. She was like my mom.

We only saw each other like 2-3x in 15 years. I wanna stop this behavior because the gap is widening daily.


I gotta straighten out my life a bit. I gotta start eating better. I got to get on the bus again.

I'm still negative for covid. So I'm frightened about getting others sick from public transportation.

I have pre existing conditions with breathing too.

What a frickin nightmare.

I need to get off my ass tho

I had a friend who dropped off the map for years. Similar kind of deal. In the rare times we reconnected he insinuated that he felt too ashamed of his emotional and drug to reconnect.

What he failed to understand in his state of low self esteem is that all this friends and family knew about his problems, and still loved him and were waiting for him to come back.

 We all knew he had problems well before he ran away and struggled with drugs. And we loved him anyways.

He died from an overdose about 4 weeks ago. I’ll never get a chance to reconnect now.

I suspect it’s the same with you and your friends and fam. They have known you for a long time, and have know about your problem, maybe even before you did. They know you have problems and love you anyways.

They may be trying to check in and hear from people about how you are doing.

They are waiting for you. And you don’t have to be ‘fixed’ before you reconnect. Just reconnecting would make them very, very happy and and show them you are trying. They don’t need a perfect you. They know you. They accept it.

But you don’t. You don’t forgive yourself, and while you might think you will disappoint them, in actuality you deny them the happiness of seeing you again. And your own happiness.

That’s what I wish I could have told my friend.

Good luck with whatever you chose.

[Baby on Board]

I hope y’all all get through everything you’re going through. I have nothing but love for everyone in this sub forum 💙 everyone in here has something to live for and someone that loves them ❤️ No matter what. You guys are my friend just through this fucking website. I love you all and hope you get through it.

[cucktard]

i really am slipping behind and i dont know if i can keep living like this

i havent been eating three full meals for at least three months now, some days i wont eat anything at all, other days ill eat a lot.  i cant eat a lot of things i loved bc my body doesnt want to eat

i lost the most important people in my life or im in the process of losing them

i found benzos in a medicine cabinet and ive been taking them daily, and it leaves me so unmotivated and lazy

i have little motivation to skate and im worried bc i dont wanna lose the one thing keeping me sane

Please, please don’t fuck with Benzos. Please talk to someone. Benzos will leave you damaged in ways other drugs don’t.

At the risk of ‘disappointing’ someone you trust and love, talk to them. They will be much happier than disappointed that you are looking for help.

Take care, and please understand, we’ve been taught that our emotions are our responsibility, but in reality it’s much more complicated, and we can be emotionally injured just as badly as physically, and both require medical help and a kind of ‘physio’ to get better. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

[augustmoon]

came realllllly close to losing it today.  yesterday was the anniversary of my sister's suicide.  i'm in the middle of buying a small home (a very positive thing overall), but dealing with the lender is freaking me out and making me want to hop in my jeep, abandon everything and just drive to the mountains somewhere. took a 5 mile walk and it chilled things out a bit. 

[Grind King Rims]

Man it's great that you're so close to being a home-owner. That's something to look forward to. Every bit of stress that you work through brings you closer to having your own home. Keep the faith brother. <3

[jigga man]

You ever feel like the world as we've known it is over and done with, and then get depressed cause this is all you've done with your life?

Sadly, the future is no longer what it was

where'd you get your information from? you think that you can front when revelations comes?

[straight]

came realllllly close to losing it today.  yesterday was the anniversary of my sister's suicide.  i'm in the middle of buying a small home (a very positive thing overall), but dealing with the lender is freaking me out and making me want to hop in my jeep, abandon everything and just drive to the mountains somewhere. took a 5 mile walk and it chilled things out a bit.

i think about driving away all the time . it’s hard to keep it together all the time

had a stressful summer dealing with a similar transaction and now have some semi permanent stomach issues

i don’t have any words of advice but hope you can find some moments where you feel great

[Oaf]

This year has been fucked.

Last New Year’s Eve my wife was getting basically emergency surgery for a tumour growing on her brain stem we found out about 10 days earlier.  Had 30+ rounds of radiation in the spring.  It was a form of cancer that will likely return in the coming years, so every mri will be fingers crossed.

In the spring mom in law who shacked up with us so we could help her out, and she could help us with the kid was diagnosed with stomach cancer.  It had already spread to her liver and she died at home in April.  we had palliative care nurses for two days.  The rest was all on me.  Two cancer patients, a 12 year old, two dogs and me.

  We adopted the wife’s nephew out of 3 years in foster care 3 years ago.  His parents were bed shitting hard into meth and heroin.  I have been caregiver and solo dad mode all year.  Wife is still in bed almost all day.  I’m back at work, but I can barely keep up with everything.  My wife is slowly improving, but nothing feels easy.  I feel like I am inadequate, and barely doing enough.  It's not logical, but I hate myself for just chilling out or resting.

The best part of the year was the boy finding my old set up and asking how to Ollie.  I hadn’t been on a board in over a decade, and skating has since been the one thing that has let me get my shit out physically.  When things are awful I can go out to the garage and work on some trick or another, remember to smile and still be available to my family.  It feels like things are finally getting a little bit better.  It’s hard to have the patience for everything, though.

Kid can hop on a curb, has a couple 180 variations down and most importantly, he has discovered a physical outlet for all the bullshit he has been through and doesn’t deserve.  I’m less scared of his teenage years!

You guys struggling with substances have my full support.  I have seen the way it can hurt families, friendships, and self worth and I truly wish the best for you and yours.  Please be easy on yourselves.

[Alan]

That's so rough, Oaf. Sending you all the good vibes and hoping things turn around for you and your family!

[theSketchLord]

Despite my earlier post of "everything's cool brah" style bravado I kinda had a mini breakdown yesterday with my partner.
Xmas, not having any family in the country and knowing that even with time off you can't get over to see them takes it's toll every so often.

Honestly, I feel better for having her just sit and listen to me cry it out for a bit. 

[Grind King Rims]

Despite my earlier post of "everything's cool brah" style bravado I kinda had a mini breakdown yesterday with my partner.
Xmas, not having any family in the country and knowing that even with time off you can't get over to see them takes it's toll every so often.

Honestly, I feel better for having her just sit and listen to me cry it out for a bit. 

That really sucks that you won't be able to be see your family for Christmas, I'm sorry man. The way I've been trying to think of it is that it'll be so much more sweet when I do get to see the friends and family I've been missing. COVID has made me pretty grateful in that way.

Your partner sounds really supportive. <3

[theSketchLord]

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Despite my earlier post of "everything's cool brah" style bravado I kinda had a mini breakdown yesterday with my partner.
Xmas, not having any family in the country and knowing that even with time off you can't get over to see them takes it's toll every so often.

Honestly, I feel better for having her just sit and listen to me cry it out for a bit. 

[close]

That really sucks that you won't be able to be see your family for Christmas, I'm sorry man. The way I've been trying to think of it is that it'll be so much more sweet when I do get to see the friends and family I've been missing. COVID has made me pretty grateful in that way.

Your partner sounds really supportive. <3

Cheers, yea she is.

My mum had a bad fall about a year ago literally a few days before her and my dad were due over here for a visit.
It now appears while she was under in hospital something to do with high blood pressure or something has basically brought on early dementia so it's hard as in a year my mum has gone from messaging everyday to just not talknig at all, everything I now talk about is to my dad.
 
I was lucky enough to get out a year ago to see her for a week after the fall but who knows now.

[vancanman]

My wife found a lump in her left arm pit and were scared the cancer is back.

I’ve been shitting blood due to stress.

I feel this so hard. My wife found a lump on her ribs that’s slowly growing and got a ultrasound which looked concerning to MRI then a biopsy that we were told would take 24-48 hours and it’s been 8 days and her dr said the pathologist wasn’t sure what it was and he’s consulting with another dr and he’ll let us know. I’ve not slept period 3 times this week. We also have a newborn and an adopted son who really struggles with behaviour and are in the process of getting a special needs diagnosis. So yeah. Pretty great around here too.

[Hyliannightmare]

skate get the homeos back into it or make new friends.  covod closed all the basketball courts near me so I got really back into skating for the first time since like 2007 and the community is so much more supportive than it was when I got kooks for wearing Osiris and skating enjois back then