Author Topic: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread  (Read 4746 times)

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JANUS

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #120 on: April 18, 2021, 06:49:37 AM »
And back down I go. I assume this is a stressful time for everybody. I love you all. Please do something nice for yourselves today, if you have the ability.
If you can't handle me at my Marc Johnson, you don't deserve me at my Bobby Puleo.

Armin Tamzarian

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #121 on: April 18, 2021, 09:47:35 AM »
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I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts over the past few days. In talks this week with my therapist and psychiatrist, both recommended some sort of meditative physical activity, so I went for a walk this afternoon. I ended up on the Williamsburg Bridge and I don't even remember going there. I kind of freaked out because the closest I had ever had to a plan was to jump off of a bridge. I had a crippling anxiety attack and then over the course of almost an hour, slowly managed to make it to the other side. I'm a real wreck right now.

Sorry if this isn't the right place for this. I don't interact with anybody regularly and I just felt like I had to tell somebody
[close]

This is the right place! Thanks for coming on here and letting us in, we are here to listen. I'm glad to hear that you managed to get yourself home.
Sounds like you got really scared and really need some understanding for how scary this was, is that right? I hope you're in a position to take good care of yourself now and can gradually get to a better place.

Diddo Roary! You are ABSO LUTELY in the right place my friend :) Most importantly, we are here for You , to listen and support you and anything thats making life harder than it already is right now !!! you've fucking GOT this, we are here to support & encourage you every step of the way , and to let you know that everything you are feeling makes perfect sense - it absolutely does ! What a scary evening it turned out to be on top of an already super stressful emotional moment prior to going for a walk ! But you did the right thing there is no doubt about that !

Sometimes , when we do the right thing for ourselves, we see very harsh & unwelcome ghosts along the way - but just know , that is only a reflection of what you are leaving behind :) you absolutely got this Head, let us know if we can support you in any way at all !!!! XO

culdesac

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #122 on: April 19, 2021, 02:10:29 PM »
My dad passed away unexpectedly a month ago from what we believe was a heart attack. Ever since then Iíve spent a lot of time thinking about his life and became convinced he was on the autism spectrum. There were a lot of signs.

Then I started thinking about my own life and whether I also had autism, and so many of the struggles Iíve experienced all made sense. Iíve honestly felt cursed for most of my life, that for some reason I wasnít allowed to be happy or to reach a certain level of achievement. But now itís obvious that it was the programming Iíve been running.

Any other late diagnosis autists on here?

Shit man, thatís terrible. Life must have been really fucking difficult for you, especially without people responding to you or offering any help

culdesac

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #123 on: April 20, 2021, 08:20:34 AM »
Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping

FrozenIndustries

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #124 on: April 20, 2021, 09:16:34 AM »
So Im a librarian and I found out I may lose my position to someone because their school is closing down and they have seniority. Now Im feeling disconnected from even doing my work. Plus to make matters worse my school is bringing back all the students onto campus starting next week so Im already anxious from that.

@lamfordie Have an MSLIS and work in an academic library as well (though I transitioned to a facilities position a few years ago). If you want to talk about work woes or vent my DMs are always open.
I know we aren't madness shaming in the gear section, come on were better than this.

Armin Tamzarian

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #125 on: April 20, 2021, 11:01:35 AM »
Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping

Okay hold on

I understand you feel overlooked right now, and that's Okay. But this is Absolutely not the place to turn people into enemies. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but I very seriously suggest you reconsider your stance.

I don't know if you've noticed but everyone in this thread is mentally ill if not suicidal, often in distress if not danger, and most importantly: it's impossible for us to handle our own problems - so trying to handle our friends problems (Yes in here we are Friends) tends to require energy that we sometimes simply cannot find. And that's okay.

It's just a game of chance. We have all said things in here that get overlooked. It's impossible for everything to get the attention it deserves, but that is absolutely Nobody's fault. What we need exceeds what we can offer to each other, so in the meantime we have to trust that we're doing our best to respond when & how we Can.

I'm sorry your initial post didn't get responded to directly, but it did get responded to collectively - several times over. The same happens to me and to all of us over and over again. We have to have faith that everyone's listening - because everyone is. We're all struggling to take care of ourselves, let alone gather what strength remains to say "I need help". If we can even find the energy to call for help, it's very rare there's any left offer a response. I hope you can understand. Sometimes all we can muster is "fuck I'm sorry I can't respond to everyone but we're gonna get through this" or even "we've got this, stay strong!" Life is equally fucked for all of us; that's why we're here.

I'm very sorry you feel overlooked and that's Real. But what you decided to do about it is inappropriate. I am personally upset by that because I know what everyone puts into this thread. We have all been around since its inception and we wil stick around to see each other through our most pressing fears. If you want to start over from scratch, we will never Ever judge you. But the approach you decided to take to deal with your frustrations is not working.

I hope this message finds you well my friend. At the end of the day, please think nothing of it. And most importantly, I'm so sorry to hear about your father's sudden death & the very painful mysteries that have been left for an already heavy heart to parse through. That is a pain I can only imagine. We are here for you my friend. I do hope you can see that, because this space is rare. We have to keep it together.

Any PALs have experiences & information on late-life autism diagnoses? @brink would you consider yourself open to help out a friend in need?

culdesac

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #126 on: April 20, 2021, 02:37:49 PM »
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Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping
[close]

Okay hold on

I understand you feel overlooked right now, and that's Okay. But this is Absolutely not the place to turn people into enemies. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but I very seriously suggest you reconsider your stance.

I don't know if you've noticed but everyone in this thread is mentally ill if not suicidal, often in distress if not danger, and most importantly: it's impossible for us to handle our own problems - so trying to handle our friends problems (Yes in here we are Friends) tends to require energy that we sometimes simply cannot find. And that's okay.

It's just a game of chance. We have all said things in here that get overlooked. It's impossible for everything to get the attention it deserves, but that is absolutely Nobody's fault. What we need exceeds what we can offer to each other, so in the meantime we have to trust that we're doing our best to respond when & how we Can.

I'm sorry your initial post didn't get responded to directly, but it did get responded to collectively - several times over. The same happens to me and to all of us over and over again. We have to have faith that everyone's listening - because everyone is. We're all struggling to take care of ourselves, let alone gather what strength remains to say "I need help". If we can even find the energy to call for help, it's very rare there's any left offer a response. I hope you can understand. Sometimes all we can muster is "fuck I'm sorry I can't respond to everyone but we're gonna get through this" or even "we've got this, stay strong!" Life is equally fucked for all of us; that's why we're here.

I'm very sorry you feel overlooked and that's Real. But what you decided to do about it is inappropriate. I am personally upset by that because I know what everyone puts into this thread. We have all been around since its inception and we wil stick around to see each other through our most pressing fears. If you want to start over from scratch, we will never Ever judge you. But the approach you decided to take to deal with your frustrations is not working.

I hope this message finds you well my friend. At the end of the day, please think nothing of it. And most importantly, I'm so sorry to hear about your father's sudden death & the very painful mysteries that have been left for an already heavy heart to parse through. That is a pain I can only imagine. We are here for you my friend. I do hope you can see that, because this space is rare. We have to keep it together.

Any PALs have experiences & information on late-life autism diagnoses? @brink would you consider yourself open to help out a friend in need?

Thank you for the last three paragraphs. Those are helpful.

Everything else, not so much.

If you had taken a fraction of the time it took to write about yourself and instead bothered to read what I had to write and offered some help initially, we wouldn't be here right now. But maybe you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that's why you write so much about yourself, I don't know.

None of the "collective responses" were helpful. Your scolding and gatekeeping of how this is all supposed to work isn't particularly helpful either.

I've dm'ed Brink like a man and hopefully I can get the help that I was looking for.

Good day to you all.

Armin Tamzarian

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #127 on: April 20, 2021, 03:12:36 PM »
I'm not writing about myself. I'm writing about everybody in this thread, who you collectively told

Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping(.)

Additionally it's going to make matters worse to resort to mocking. This is not about my mental illness (which I said on page 1 is STPD; it's not NPD), and this is not a place to jab. I understand you're still upset and that's okay. But nobody wants to gatekeep you; and there's no right or wrong way how this works. We (again, I am saying we) are all trying very hard to survive right now; sometimes we don't get responded to, and that has happened to me many times over. Again, I'm sorry that happened to you. It hurts a lot, because in a vulnerable moment it feels deliberate. But it happens to all of us, and we have to move on for each others sake. There's always a brighter moment ahead, and there's too much at stake as it is in this thread & in our lives.

If you say something to insult everyone in this thread I'm going to respond to that, and I'm also going to respond to your initial post when the time & energy is available. I understand you don't appreciate every paragraph of my initial response, and that's okay. I'm not perfect and I'm certainly not wise. Just please know that this thread is watched carefully by Admins who've said that mocking & trolling will not be tolerated. If we can't find a constructive way to respond to each other, it's best to talk it out in direct messages or to simply not resort to things like mockery and insults.

culdesac

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #128 on: April 20, 2021, 03:22:34 PM »
I'm not writing about myself. I'm writing about everybody in this thread, who you collectively told

Expand Quote
Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping(.)
[close]

Additionally it's going to make matters worse to resort to mocking. This is not about my mental illness (which I said on page 1 is STPD; it's not NPD), and this is not a place to jab. I understand you're still upset and that's okay. But nobody wants to gatekeep you; and there's no right or wrong way how this works. We (again, I am saying we) are all trying very hard to survive right now; sometimes we don't get responded to, and that has happened to me many times over. Again, I'm sorry that happened to you. It hurts a lot, because in a vulnerable moment it feels deliberate. But it happens to all of us, and we have to move on for each others sake. There's always a brighter moment ahead, and there's too much at stake as it is in this thread & in our lives.

If you say something to insult everyone in this thread I'm going to respond to that, and I'm also going to respond to your initial post when the time & energy is available. I understand you don't appreciate every paragraph of my initial response, and that's okay. I'm not perfect and I'm certainly not wise. Just please know that this thread is watched carefully by Admins who've said that mocking & trolling will not be tolerated. If we can't find a constructive way to respond to each other, it's best to talk it out in direct messages or to simply not resort to things like mockery and insults.

So now you wanna threaten me with the admins?

No thanks Armin.

I wrote what I wrote because Iím in pain and didnít get a response.

Youíve now proven that it isnít just posturing so I take that back.

El Fapinator

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #129 on: April 20, 2021, 04:02:53 PM »
Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping
What is it youíd like to talk about? If youíre not doing good Iím down to talk.

Donít think if youíre needing a little help with words weíll get back to you, sometimes sooner than later and Vice verse.
Dueces Bitch's

culdesac

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #130 on: April 20, 2021, 04:17:20 PM »
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Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping
[close]
What is it youíd like to talk about? If youíre not doing good Iím down to talk.

Donít think if youíre needing a little help with words weíll get back to you, sometimes sooner than later and Vice verse.

Thanks Fap. Appreciate it.

If anyone who has unexpectedly lost a parent wants to chime in on their experience that would be helpful.

Similarly if anyone has received a diagnosis that allowed them to make sense of their lives in a new light Iíd love to hear about it.

Also, for everyone who has come to terms with being nuerodiverse, what did that process look like for you?

Iíll collectively apologize to all of you for my response.

I am still in the anger phase of realizing that I went undiagnosed for the majority of my life and itís difficult not to feel a very potent mix of regret, sadness, and absolute rage when I wonder how differently my life could have turned out.

El Fapinator

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #131 on: April 20, 2021, 04:53:05 PM »
Expand Quote
Expand Quote
Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping
[close]
What is it youíd like to talk about? If youíre not doing good Iím down to talk.

Donít think if youíre needing a little help with words weíll get back to you, sometimes sooner than later and Vice verse.
[close]

Thanks Fap. Appreciate it.

If anyone who has unexpectedly lost a parent wants to chime in on their experience that would be helpful.

Similarly if anyone has received a diagnosis that allowed them to make sense of their lives in a new light Iíd love to hear about it.

Also, for everyone who has come to terms with being nuerodiverse, what did that process look like for you?

Iíll collectively apologize to all of you for my response.

I am still in the anger phase of realizing that I went undiagnosed for the majority of my life and itís difficult not to feel a very potent mix of regret, sadness, and absolute rage when I wonder how differently my life could have turned out.
I lost my dad 4 years ago and Iím still bummed about it, however heís been a subtle racist and an abuser. Yeah I had learned a lot of self reliance and reading compression and stoicism.

If youíre diagnosed with something try to look at it you have óóó- not it has you.
Dueces Bitch's

RoaryMcTwang

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #132 on: April 20, 2021, 07:05:57 PM »
Expand Quote
Expand Quote
Fuck you guys and your bullshit posturing of helping
[close]
What is it youíd like to talk about? If youíre not doing good Iím down to talk.

Donít think if youíre needing a little help with words weíll get back to you, sometimes sooner than later and Vice verse.
[close]

Thanks Fap. Appreciate it.

If anyone who has unexpectedly lost a parent wants to chime in on their experience that would be helpful.

Similarly if anyone has received a diagnosis that allowed them to make sense of their lives in a new light Iíd love to hear about it.

Also, for everyone who has come to terms with being nuerodiverse, what did that process look like for you?

Iíll collectively apologize to all of you for my response.

I am still in the anger phase of realizing that I went undiagnosed for the majority of my life and itís difficult not to feel a very potent mix of regret, sadness, and absolute rage when I wonder how differently my life could have turned out.

Great to see that youre staying with it @culdesac , Iím sure that wasnít easy. No need to apologise at all. This package of stuff you are dealing with right now sounds about as rough as it gets, no wonder you occasionally blow a fuse. It sounds like you really need some understanding for how hard all this is, is that correct? Weíre here for that.

Also, massive props to you @Armin Tamzarian for responding like you did -youíre a star! - and to El Fapo for the advice - its great to see people who care.

I try to check this thread regularly and to respond whenever I can manage it. Sometimes, I worry that what I might say might be inadequate though, especially if itís about something I have no personal experience with, such as losing a parent. I know that what most people need in difficult times is for someone to listen to them, not necessarily an expert to give advice, but thinking that what I have to say is not good enough makes me hesitate to respond sometimes. I read every post though. Much love to all of you.

matty_c

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #133 on: April 21, 2021, 01:24:38 AM »
I reckon all that autistic stuff is just industry of putting people in boxes
No shit my mothers technically a teacher and was a lecturer on this shit and wrote a bunch of packages
Shits an industry deadset expose yourself to more stimuli everyone gets scared and weird conquer your fears people

I am not talking about hardcore autists here but I suspect none will be posting
Asd is an industry itís just anxiety lads
listen to cosmic psychos

Armin Tamzarian

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #134 on: April 21, 2021, 06:05:30 AM »
@mattyc please let this be a place for support and not a place for discussion of whether certain conditions are real. That can happen elsewhere - and that discussion is okay to have! Just please not here, thank you my friend :)

@brink thank you very much for checking in and offering your inbox for discussion with our newest friend Cul, that means the world to us!

And most importantly @culdesac , like Roary said no need to apologize! Please think nothing of it. This is your place, this is everyone's place who needs it! There is no shame in being in the anger phase - many of us have been through it with our different diagnoses but the context and particular emotions you are experiencing are of course something we can only imagine! For that we are here to listen with our hearts wide open - whenever you need someone to go to, you can always type everything you need to here :) Most importantly though, all of the rage & regret - which is all a sacred emotion to feel - is guiding you toward tomorrow! For all the time that feels lost there is infinite time to be found, and what a better place to start than in your heart and in your deepest gut feelings - you are doing great my friend, killing it ! Seriously, you've got this. I hope to check in more for everyone when my energy picks back up sometime next week - until then, we've fucking got this everyone!

all the best :)

Armin Tamzarian

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #135 on: April 21, 2021, 07:30:59 AM »
I apologize for the double post but I didn't realize it's Wednesday! Fuck that next week is a million days away ;D My morning raisin bran (team geezer) has given me an energy boost too, woohoo!

Cul, one thing you mentioned that uniquely stuck with me was the feeling of a diagnosis changing your perspective, putting your life in a new light. That shit is real as fuck - everything you're saying is real as fuck! But god damn, that shit hits home. Particularly knowing that you too got your diagnosis at a time later in life and after a series of traumatic & very heavy events - I'm so sorry that shit hit like it did, because god damn it makes an already extremely difficult transition that much more overwhelming for the heart. But the fact that you're talking it through is fucking awesome! Like, you should be proud of yourself! The steps you are making for your wellbeing will always be fucking remarkable! All the little things add up to make big things, and suddenly you'll find yourself living in an even newer light that feels just like home. But for now, slow and steady is the name of the game, and you've got this!

When I got my STPD diagnosis, at age 26, I had just escaped from a severely abusive relationship. This relationship happened to start up right after I recovered from a terrible accident that left me temporarily paralyzed and permanently blind in my left eye. It was a fucking rollercoaster of things I never got to fully process, and on top of that I was bullied and beaten down by someone who told me they loved me, to the point where I got my diagnosis but was unable to even celebrate the news that I could finally make sense of my life. The abuse made me feel like I didn't deserve it.

I can only imagine how the grief of losing your father casts an incredibly sorrowful and heavy shadow over the news you've received, but all the good that comes from this news is good you DESERVE - and there is absolutely Zero doubt about that! It may not feel like it today, and it may not feel like it tomorrow, but you are on the way and I know with all my heart that your fathers soul at rest is right there beside you in eternal memory cheering you on! That sadness, that rage, that regret - it all rips at your heart and makes you feel like all your mistakes were fuck ups and shit that you knew better. But its okay! You didn't know until now, and there is absolutely no shame in that. You deserve nothing but time & support to come to terms with how things have changed, and the future is yours for the taking! What happened yesterday is but a memory that helps inform you to do whats best for You, and you deserve no less!

So I'm not the best with my words when it comes to diagnoses, because I'm still recovering from the abuse that made it hard for me to accept & love my own diagnosis. But it just goes to show - for whatever fucking stupid reason, we all get our diagnoses at difficult times! BUT, the difficulty that we are set with ultimately gives us the strength we need in the end to love ourselves fully. And my friend, I promise those days are right ahead - for you and for all of us!

You've got this Cul, and we very much hope you stick around :) We are here for You!

Spunkchild

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #136 on: April 21, 2021, 09:19:52 AM »
@culdesac my dad was undiagnosed bipolar/kitchen sink of diagnoses UNTIL my parents divorce in my teens. I was deeply struggling with an ED, my own clinical depression, drug use,  and now its like, damn alright so am I bipolar like my dad?

Short answer is yes, the long answer is no.

I literally don't even have the same form of Bipolar disorder. I'm also not a narcissist, its so different than what my dad was going through, and that made me feel better to some extent. I wasn't my father, nor his mistakes or idiosyncrasies.

I imagine its probably similar, I think learning about this part of you will help you a lot and answer some questions like you said it would, but its also about your journey. Maybe I'm projecting but it was really hard for me to separate myself from my dads problems, and look at this as something that was mine and not passed down like some curse. I had to own it.

I have bad taste and I smell like fetta cheese


culdesac

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #137 on: April 21, 2021, 09:39:38 AM »
@culdesac my dad was undiagnosed bipolar/kitchen sink of diagnoses UNTIL my parents divorce in my teens. I was deeply struggling with an ED, my own clinical depression, drug use,  and now its like, damn alright so am I bipolar like my dad?

Short answer is yes, the long answer is no.

I literally don't even have the same form of Bipolar disorder. I'm also not a narcissist, its so different than what my dad was going through, and that made me feel better to some extent. I wasn't my father, nor his mistakes or idiosyncrasies.

I imagine its probably similar, I think learning about this part of you will help you a lot and answer some questions like you said it would, but its also about your journey. Maybe I'm projecting but it was really hard for me to separate myself from my dads problems, and look at this as something that was mine and not passed down like some curse. I had to own it.

Thanks for sharing Spunk. I feel you on the feeling similar but different and viewing it as a curse. Iím currently self-diagnosed, and while I share a lot of similarities with my dad, thereís also a lot of differences.

Depression runs in the family and thereís a number of bipolar individuals as well.

Brink was kind enough to dm with me and share some of his experiences. He is against self-diagnosis and recommended speaking to a professional to get diagnosed.

Iíve reached out to a few people for specialists and will be undergoing a diagnosis in the hopefully not too distant future to get a better idea of what Iím working with.

Appreciate the support from everyone. This is an overwhelming time, and to be shown all this kindness means a lot.



Spunkchild

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #138 on: April 22, 2021, 10:19:33 AM »
Brink was kind enough to dm with me and share some of his experiences. He is against self-diagnosis and recommended speaking to a professional to get diagnosed.

Iíve reached out to a few people for specialists and will be undergoing a diagnosis in the hopefully not too distant future to get a better idea of what Iím working with.

Appreciate the support from everyone. This is an overwhelming time, and to be shown all this kindness means a lot.

yea definitely find out what you need! Talk therapy changed my life, and now I go to a Psych who helps me a lot, understands MY relationship with my diagnosis and MY feelings/wild brain. Stoked you aren't traveling this road alone, def get someone you can talk to outside of just getting your diagnoses if thats possible for you.
I have bad taste and I smell like fetta cheese


matty_c

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #139 on: April 22, 2021, 07:27:44 PM »
@Armin Tamzarian, sorry pal you right
« Last Edit: April 24, 2021, 12:04:46 AM by matty_c »
listen to cosmic psychos

silhouette

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Re: The WELLNESS OUTREACH & SUPPORT Thread
« Reply #140 on: May 10, 2021, 09:17:41 AM »
My dad passed away unexpectedly a month ago from what we believe was a heart attack. Ever since then Iíve spent a lot of time thinking about his life and became convinced he was on the autism spectrum. There were a lot of signs.

Then I started thinking about my own life and whether I also had autism, and so many of the struggles Iíve experienced all made sense. Iíve honestly felt cursed for most of my life, that for some reason I wasnít allowed to be happy or to reach a certain level of achievement. But now itís obvious that it was the programming Iíve been running.

Any other late diagnosis autists on here?

Hey, I just saw your post and happen to have not the same but actually the polar opposite experience with autism - it's something that for the longest time, say from my childhood years to my late 20's, I had many reasons to think I could be suffering from, family environment very seriously included. So for basically two decades I was in a very similar mindset to what you're describing, with my idea of happiness looking out of reach which in turn resulted in a lot of anxiety and self-doubt during what really are formative years in one's lifetime. Especially one of my younger siblings is a diagnosed autist and growing up in that environment (where he wasn't the only person with mental issues, just the only one diagnosed with autism in particular), I couldn't help but compare traits and patterns in most everything I myself was doing. Also memories of psychiatrists coming down all the way from Paris when I was 3 to study me at school because I had learned how to read by myself, of my whole educational background as a whole that was always chaotic and my devouring passion for niche things such as skating back then would always haunt me like as many signs that I had to be sort of cursed, and just needed to be ready to grow up and become brave enough to face the idea of a diagnosis. Then when I finally was, I tried twice with different crews and essentially both just laughed in my face and told me I was 'completely normal' (which is a funny concept just in itself isn't it?). It felt like realizing the rug I was expecting someone to suddenly pull from under me anytime in the future really didn't exist, after over twenty years of, subconsciously, being certain I was standing on one; and it was actually reassuring and comforting in that in fact, yes, I did have all the keys in my hands to do whatever I wanted but it also led me to ponder well if the diagnosis had been different, then how much would my life really have changed? At the end of the day, my feelings, my decisions and my ambitions would still be coming from the same place, except I'd just have this one extra label defining who I am and sort of shutting down my horizons. In all honesty, to this day I'm still not 100% certain I'm technically sane according to this or that existing medical definition (the Damocles sword still lives on although I now know it's cardboard) but I'm a lot more sure that thinking in 'sane' vs. 'insane' terms can be bullshit for the most part, as tempting as the next simplification. In reality there is no absolute norm but appearing (keyword: appearing) functional and viable in society and so as long as they meet that basic requirement, anyone is really free in choosing how to live. Another experience that confirmed this train of thought was sharing my life with a schizophrenic woman for about eight years who never, ever let her condition get in the way of her happiness and basically got whatever she wanted out of life until she was officially diagnosed (and medicated) as such, and then her horizons suddenly shut down, no more traveling the world, no more artistic activity just because some mental sword had hit and it looked heavy. It's probably very healthy for you exploring the idea of autism and you might find some answers there, but honestly be mindful of how much of them might be placebo. You may get explanations, reasons, answers, but at its root nature has it that all people are different and their own unique kind of crazy that may or may not happen to fall into medical categories. Those are important to consider, but psychiatry is (and is bound to forever be?) still a work in progress both in theory and especially practice. I would encourage you towards accepting 'the programming you've been running' as the singularity it is eventually, despite the existence of all conventions and names although of course those do exist for research which can be fulfilling, but also crippling if you let it.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad and you have my condolences. Again I'm on the polar opposite with both my parents still alive, but both suffering from/struggling against long-time and eventually terminal illnesses where they're being given rough estimates of x number of years left to live and so instead of one big blow, it's two ticking time bombs. Given our respective lifestyles I only ever rarely get to see them, too, which feels awful and so whenever I do I make sure it's quality time. Truth is we're all in for just one rollercoaster ride - might as well not waste too much of it superficially arguing over how to call it, when we could really use that time experiencing people and life for who they are beyond words instead.

I'm aware I mostly posted about myself here but I figured you may or may not find some interest in my experience. Either way I wish you the best, am sorry to hear about the tough times, encouraging you to skate if you currently can and hope you have a great week!
« Last Edit: May 10, 2021, 09:25:30 AM by silhouette »