Awkward/awful marriages thread

[burm]

I saw somewhere this notion of ”women want to change the man, and the men think the woman will never change” and I think about this often. Seems so fitting for so many couples, especially if they met in their twenties.

[JB]

it's sad but true IMHO that money can make all these things way easier so getting more established i think is good advice. also family close by is super helpful which wasn't an option for us.

my biggest advice, which i saw earlier in this thread is take your time. if your going to be together forever then why get married in 2 years. let things cool, wait till you go through some life changes and hard times and after working through some of these things if you feel like you'd like to do that kind of work for the rest of your life then go for it. i wouldn't have kids until you are rock solid though and feel you should commit to staying together at least till their off to college/work.

Everything you said was on point, but this stuff especially.

The money thing is huge. I hope I'm not being shallow, but get yourself on a good track and look for a partner who's doing the same. Life is long, and in my experience it only gets more and more expensive. We're also very fortunate that we have lots of family close by to help with our kids, and just things in general. I don't even know what our dynamic would be if we didn't our family close by.

Discuss each others debts, even if it's difficult to talk about. I know someone whos engaged to someone with six figures worth of student loan debt, and both of them work retail. I get loving someone, but locking it in with someone who owes more than they'll ever be able to pay back just seems like completely giving up on your own chance at success. If that's you that owes, let your person know.

Again, life is long. I completely agree with giving yourself enough time to truly go through some shit with someone. They're the person thats supposed to have your back for the rest of your life, so you better make sure you can count on them when things get rough. When things do get rough, hopefully you've got someone you can go to and talk it through. I've always been someone who bottles everything up, and the bottles overflowed a bit these past few months. It's hard for me to let it out, but if I didn't know that my wife was there for me 100%, even if my problems deal with her, I don't know how I could keep it together. Being able have that communication with someone is probably the most important thing, at least to me. When things happen, talk it out. The longer you let things fester, the worse it gets.

[EdLawndale]

I was lucky to have my parents retain a loving marraige until my mother's death, and then my father remarried and that was good until his death.

But I watched the marriages of my cousin and my best friend spiral into violence and detestation and it seems really, really hard, especially for the kids involved.

But, like they say, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. And even when it seems like it can't get any worse, to know that the marriages produced wonderful human beings counts for a lot.

[Frank]

my family is fucked up and i will never build one myself. i'm very happy for all you family people. i just can't relate at all.

sorry i don't want to bum everyone out. it's something i think about a lot because my parents will die soon and they pretty much hated each other since forever, but because they are way old and affected by weird old social norms, there was no way they would divorce. they are both in need of caretakers respectively and actually still try to make life hellish for eachother.

most of my psychological problems stem from the fact that i feel somewhat guilty for that, that i destroyed their relationship after they adopted me and also because i'm a total failure in their eyes i guess.

two of my exes had these crazy nuclear families that were so crazy cozy and welcoming that it literally freaked me out. like i can't deal with that which is normal and great for others. i don't trust it. any sort of family pride is just super sus to me.

my friends are what i feel like is family for me. i'd probably rather try to build up a communal place with them than go for a marriage or traditional partnership. it wouldn't work anyway because i don't believe in monogamy and i'm borderline asexual anyways.

and i'm dirt poor. i'm so poor it's actually a deal breaker for potential dates. i literally can't do expensive dates. and whenever potential dates find out how poor i am, it's over because they think there must be something seriously wrong with me. i feel like the best i can do is trying to be there for my friends and foster those relationships for as long as i can.

[cky enthusiast]

sounds like you’re counting urself out without even entering the contest frank

[cucktard]

If I may proffer one piece of advice that has been helpful in understanding my wife’s stress, and my lack of it, it is very neatly explained in this comic.

I thought of myself as a feminist and someone who tried to create an equal relationship, but I was taken down a few notches, when this comic described me to a T.

It’s not long and very efficient at getting the point across.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

[EdLawndale]

and also because i'm a total failure in their eyes i guess.

Dude, you're a Mod on the Slap MassageBoards, you fucking run shit.

[Frank]

sounds like you’re counting urself out without even entering the contest frank

i am definitely not running in the contest. i get my chances all the time, but i usually can't take them as they appear.

[doctorkickflip]

If I may proffer one piece of advice that has been helpful in understanding my wife’s stress, and my lack of it, it is very neatly explained in this comic.

I thought of myself as a feminist and someone who tried to create an equal relationship, but I was taken down a few notches, when this comic described me to a T.

It’s not long and very efficient at getting the point across.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

Good read. Thank you, cucktard

[T4T]

Expand Quote

If I may proffer one piece of advice that has been helpful in understanding my wife’s stress, and my lack of it, it is very neatly explained in this comic.

I thought of myself as a feminist and someone who tried to create an equal relationship, but I was taken down a few notches, when this comic described me to a T.

It’s not long and very efficient at getting the point across.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

[close]

Good read. Thank you, cucktard

Seconded, eye opening.

[Sleazy]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

If I may proffer one piece of advice that has been helpful in understanding my wife’s stress, and my lack of it, it is very neatly explained in this comic.

I thought of myself as a feminist and someone who tried to create an equal relationship, but I was taken down a few notches, when this comic described me to a T.

It’s not long and very efficient at getting the point across.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

[close]

Good read. Thank you, cucktard

[close]

Seconded, eye opening.

wow that's really good. definitely the core of the challenges my wife and i had when the kids were young that i mentioned in my post earlier.

[Huell Howser]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

If I may proffer one piece of advice that has been helpful in understanding my wife’s stress, and my lack of it, it is very neatly explained in this comic.

I thought of myself as a feminist and someone who tried to create an equal relationship, but I was taken down a few notches, when this comic described me to a T.

It’s not long and very efficient at getting the point across.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

[close]

Good read. Thank you, cucktard

[close]

Seconded, eye opening.

[close]

wow that's really good. definitely the core of the challenges my wife and i had when the kids were young that i mentioned in my post earlier.

yeah this was a good read. good looks @cucktard

might be contributing to this thread here soon as I may be tying the knot in the near future lol

[Sleazy]

Expand Quote

i like the advice about reframing how you think about doing chores as being doing something for someone you love. i use that approach for wife and kids.

i'm happily married for 15 or so years to a lady i've been exclusively with for 23 or so. my advice would be that marriage is hard and requires constant work. it's really easy to get comfortable and become friends or siblings and not husband and wife. keeping that fire going is really important and difficult on both sides. i think the hardest phase is young kids, when you've got multiples and there's like 2-6 ages at play. i've heard that divorce lawyers and therapist say this is where highest failure rates are and having 3 kids close in age i can understand why. we've got great chemistry but went through a lot of stress and strain at that time. before that time, even when we were in college you are never truly overwhelmed and exhausted and forced to sustain for such a long period of time. before that you can have different ways of approaching problems and there's still an element of do your own thing. you study that way i do it this way, you clean that part of the house, i clean this part of the house, etc... but when you've got 5 people all with stomach bugs and are running out of things to clean up messes with so having to do laundry all night while kids are scream and in pain and fighting with your spouse over the toilet, things get real and your differences really come to the surface. now imagine stretching that vibe out for 7 ish years. it's a hard thing to do. we've still got some battle scars from it. my wife, like most women, has some resentment about how much i helped and i've got some resentment about her not understanding how i was helping. even for hard working, well intentioned people it's a really hard time. it's sad but true IMHO that money can make all these things way easier so getting more established i think is good advice. also family close by is super helpful which wasn't an option for us. we weren't in a fantastic position on either, at least not enough to move the needle, like we couldn't afford nannies or any of that.

my biggest advice, which i saw earlier in this thread is take your time. if your going to be together forever then why get married in 2 years. let things cool, wait till you go through some life changes and hard times and after working through some of these things if you feel like you'd like to do that kind of work for the rest of your life then go for it. i wouldn't have kids until you are rock solid though and feel you should commit to staying together at least till their off to college/work. it's a commitment my wife and i made and took seriously and a few of her friends you can tell did also.

on the flip side, i feel super fortunate and lucky to have the family we've built together. even if we did get divorced one day, we've built something beautiful and meaningful together. there's a whole new vibe and lifestyle that we've created that will go on after we've gone that is a very fun, rewarding and comfortable place to be. our kids are people who's company i genuinely enjoy. we put a lot of work into guiding them and establishing values that our whole family is built on. i'm hopeful we wont have to deal with any of the tragedies you see families deal with because that kind of thing can disrupt the most solid families but i'm hopeful that this vibe will be there on my death bed comforting me as i pass. that's kind of the goal.

[close]

Holyshit @Sleazy how much do you charge per hour and is the first session free for new divorcées? I blown away by how much you guys have it figured out. I wish I would of been in the same boat.

@Seventyfuhkinseven i just realized i never replied to your super kind words. thanks so much for the kind words and it's work in progress but super proud of how far we've gotten. i think more people should think about kids and family as an investment in your later years, if you do then these outcome become way easier.

[OldieButFrenchie]

my family is fucked up and i will never build one myself. i'm very happy for all you family people. i just can't relate at all.

sorry i don't want to bum everyone out. it's something i think about a lot because my parents will die soon and they pretty much hated each other since forever, but because they are way old and affected by weird old social norms, there was no way they would divorce. they are both in need of caretakers respectively and actually still try to make life hellish for eachother.

most of my psychological problems stem from the fact that i feel somewhat guilty for that, that i destroyed their relationship after they adopted me and also because i'm a total failure in their eyes i guess.

two of my exes had these crazy nuclear families that were so crazy cozy and welcoming that it literally freaked me out. like i can't deal with that which is normal and great for others. i don't trust it. any sort of family pride is just super sus to me.

my friends are what i feel like is family for me. i'd probably rather try to build up a communal place with them than go for a marriage or traditional partnership. it wouldn't work anyway because i don't believe in monogamy and i'm borderline asexual anyways.

and i'm dirt poor. i'm so poor it's actually a deal breaker for potential dates. i literally can't do expensive dates. and whenever potential dates find out how poor i am, it's over because they think there must be something seriously wrong with me. i feel like the best i can do is trying to be there for my friends and foster those relationships for as long as i can.

Just stumbled upon this thread randomly.... and I could not help but relate to your message Frank .... I was an adopted kid too. and I was actually just toying with the idea of creating a thread about that stuff! Kept putting it off....it's not an easy discussion. but now I know I'll do it!
Anyways I just wanted to say: try not to feel responsible for what happened! I know it's easier said than done....Basically the kids are the ones with no choice in the adoption process. For a very very long time I was always bending over backwards to please my (adoptive) parents and it's only when my wife told me that, that I realized what I was doing. OK, not gonna say much more here, that subject deserves its own thread. But I totally get what you mean about "cozy" families freaking you out ha.....