Tips for a beginner dad

[RoaryMcTwang]

Hello pals, my wife and I are expecting our first daughter, due in a few days, and I'm slowly getting nervous So this goes out to all the slap dads. What are some things you wish someone had told you before having a baby? Things you wish you could have done or avoided for baby, mom, self etc? Useful knowledge? Any input is highly appreciated. Much love to everyone.

[burm]

One thing I think is good to prepare for is that its perfectly normal for it to take a while for you to form a real connection to the baby. There’s a big expectation that as soon as you see them the first time its going to change your life etc etc, but its not necessarily as life changing to the dad straight away.

For the first 6 months or whatever the baby will not make eye contact with you or care too much about your existence whereas the mother has already been living with them for 9 months.

That being said (this is the important bit) you should still note that there is nothing short of breastfeeding that you as the dad cannot do, so don’t fall into thinking the mom knows everything better and they should handle it. You can change the diapers, wash them, dress them, sooth them, put them to bed and all that and if you are using formula or pumping you can feed them too. Try to do that stuff as much as you can, because while you might be stressed and feel out of your depth, the mother has had a literal human crawl out of them and are feeling all kinds of things you cant imagine.

And if the mother is breastfeeding, every single time she starts to do that you go and get them a bottle of water, because they are going to ask for it .

And take a lot of pictures since you wont remember much due to the sleep deprivation.

[xandeo]

Father of two here. Kids are now 5 and 7. A few things come to mind:

- Agree with the guy above - it might feel like making a bond is hard, but don't give up. Spending time with your little one is a gift and time really passes way too fast. I used to go for long walks with my son every weekend (obviously, he was in the stroller, and his mom was catching up on sleep) from the beginning and these are memories that I cherish dearly.

- Talk to the baby. Yes, it will take years before they answer anything back, but my oldest said "dad" when he was 8 months old (that's very early, in case you didn't know ) and from then on I knew he was listening to what I told him. I used to talk about what I saw, about the weather, explain what I was doing... it feels strange at first, but after a while you'll actually like it. And believe me, they do pay attention - one day you'll notice.

- If you're a normal Joe with a normal 9-5 job, think of this: ideally, you'll sleep 8 hours a night, and spend 8 hours at work - the remaining 8 hours you'll be busy commuting, cleaning, doing groceries, helping out at home - so how do you want to spend your time that you're not sleeping or working? I personally narrowed down both hobbies and "friendships" with people that I realized were not that important (I still have good close friends), in order to spend more time with the kids - and still today have 0 regrets. Be selective as to where you'll spend time for the next years, because one day the kid(s) will be out of the nest and then you can't turn back time - but you'll have time again for other stuff. (It's important though, for both parents, to have their own activities away from home as well, don't overdo it)

- Remember to maintain the special relationship to your partner. Life is not only diapers and milk bottles - try to make her feel special, help her out whenever possible, and if only possible - go on dinner dates etc together.

Good luck, you've got this!

[Coastal Fever]

Apparently kissing babies on the mouth can give them brain damage, which I just learned at 37 years old from Facebook.  So don’t do that.

[Gray Imp Sausage Metal]

Not sure where you live or what cultural expectations are like but:
- it is said in some cultures that women need at least a month for their body to fully recover. For our second child I put work on the back burner to support her and let her fully bond/ heal
- your relationship, esp in the first 6 months, will take a massive blow, be prepared for it NOT to be about you and her anymore, but you 3 as a family (with a focus on mum and new baby)
- don’t let people come and visit until you are both ready, people (family) tend to rush this, it’s not about them
- when family do visit be aware of what you are/ aren’t okay with (see the kissing on the mouth comment above). My mum kissed my first born on the lips at 6 months old without asking, my wife still hates her for it!
- things like going out actually get harder once baby can move. If you need date time together, do it before the baby starts to crawl.
- overall just try to be extra understanding of your wife and her needs; it’s not an easy time for anyone.
- We co-slept but the wife still had to wake up multiple times per night, I tried to balance that by giving her time to rest during the day if needed.
- if you can’t already cook (clean/ do laundry etc.), learn to do so!

[burm]

I forgot a good one that I heard Louis C.K. say once and that I really embraced:

”Let it change you”

This attitude helped me accept that life will never be the same, but that’s only a problem if I try to be the same person I was.

[Frank and Fred]

Instinct will kick in. Just the fact that you are concerned about being a good parent means you probably will be. Each stage has its own unique challenges, Buckle up, breathe, take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

[Mr. Kamikazi]

You’ll love it.

Talk to them about what going on. Show them things! Read to them even though they are weeks old. Talk to them about the weather. Show them the birds. Tell them about your childhood. Just pour into it.

I thought I’d never want a child but after reflecting, my wife & decided to & we have a 2.5 year old son who is just the best. Every day is a special moment. Love it. I can’t ever be mad at him. You just want to pour into your kiddo.

[brucewillis]

Sleep's a luxury, ask for help, take care of yourself. You'll figure it out.

[GardenSkater77]

Gates on all stairs.

Safety locks on cabinets, toilet seats, etc.

Edge covers on all hard edges.

Outlet covers.

Electric swing for soothing.

Self burping baby bottles.

Baby monitor.

No stuffed animals in crib.

Crib bumper okay if it is properly secured.

Change and change often. Use Desitin.

Full cover in sun. Hats. Don’t go out during the day in the summer.

If baby cries it’s usually gas. Work on burping technique. I would hold my children to my belly and lightly jostle them while hitting the middle of their back.

You will do fine but address all safety concerns now before baby is born.

[ilovegay]

Lots of good tips in here. I have a 9 month old girl and I’m hoping this tip to gas a baby will be a life saver. Sometimes your baby will be crying and very fussy even after being fed and diapered. They are probably gassy.

https://youtube.com/shorts/Vg_XTRpesg8?si=UhRl9lrB_JYK1u_N

I used a technique similar to this to help them fart and burp and it worked wonders when they were really fussy. Good luck brother!

[Shtonk]

I second the comment to not have visitors as long as possible. Magical time.

As people above have said, put time and effort into creating the bond. It works and it's so worth it. But if the mum is breastfeeding, there's a high statistical chance you will be number two for years. This is statistically more likely with boys but not uncommon in girls either and the rejection hurts sometimes. Especially if you carry emotional scars in the area of rejection.

Speaking of scars, here's the one advice I wish I had been given (not because it's the most important but because it's the one we men dont like to talk about): if you have a violent past or a temper in general, prepare yourself. The moment will come where you're so sleep deprived, so frustrated and helpless, the stress levels are so high, something from the dark depths breaks through and tries to seize autopilot: to make the situation stop by force to reassert control.

For me it came in a sudden and unexpected wave in the middle of a 3am scream-a-thon. I just about hung on by the fingernails but it shook me to my core. Went into therapy the next day and learned breathing techniques, mind exercises and to watch out for the warning signs. But I really wish I'd been a little less blind in my faith that I would never end up doing what most dads in our fathers' generation ended up doing...

Also don't let everyone scare you into paranoia of doing everything wrong (I see the irony). If you mean well and made the effort to prepare, you'll do fine. Love and time with you will always be the thing children need most and you'll never go wrong with giving as much of both as you can. Enjoy the ride and all the best!

[pugmaster]

Great idea for a thread!

Re: Talking to the baby

This is 100% true. If you are in a bilingual household you can expose the child to both languages without fear that it will negatively impact their acquisition of either. During the first year of life, infants are taking statistics on the speech sounds they are exposed to in the environment and begin mental practice of the motor movements necessary to produce certain sounds. They are also forming the basis for what will later for phonological awareness, which has a direct impact on their language skills in both the oral and written modality. They begin to figure out which speech sounds are most frequently encountered in their environment, and as a result, begin to place more attention on speech with those speech sounds.


Also, during the first year they are going to be reflexive communicators. What I mean by that is you do not need to ignore them so that they "toughen up."

Here are some cool videos that are relatively short. EDIT: There is some overlap in the content across the three videos, but each of them do contribute something unique.







Child speech, language, and communication development is incredible when you dive into it.

Here is some good information in a palatable format regarding what you can expect in terms of developmental milestones for communication across various ages.

https://www.asha.org/public/developmental-milestones/communication-milestones-birth-to-1-year/

[layzieyez]

Learn to swaddle aka make a baby burrito.

https://youtu.be/6GRKtXPvoFc?si=5k4mJDswcjQbk1qU

I lucked out because my wife studied child development and is in the childcare industry so she helped me to be helpful.

My daughter was born while I was in the navy and she absolutely connected with me more than my wife at first. My wife was jealous of our bond. Then I deployed and was gone for five months and after that my daughter treated me like a stranger and like we never had any connection for a long time. It’s hard not to take it personally, but don’t let it hurt you.

I personally preferred a moby wrap to the baby bjorn.

[pugmaster]

@RoaryMcTwang I can't remember if you are in the US or not, but a hearing screening at the hospital is highly recommended.

[breezer]

get ready for the grind!  But thats all it is....your instincts will guide you and try not to listen to naysayers who bang on about how hard it is.  Have confidence in what you are doing and just remember you cannot control when they sleep, eat or poop.  You just have to let do it at their own pace. Oh and one final thing....routines are your friend. 

[whale]

First of all congrats to you and the missus!

Babies are all different, so there will not be just one magic way to take care of yours. But a lot of people can be very strict on their opinons, and very big assholes when giving it to you.

Routines are great, if you get everything sorted it’s like clockwork. Try to build your schedule around that routine. Give the mom time to rest, but also remember to take time for yourself. Go skate.

Try to have patience when things aren’t working out.
It will pass.

Make time to spend with your kid. The first few years they change so much every year. Don’t miss it, make memories.

You got this.

Also big ups to other rad-dads in this thread, lots of beatiful things posted <3

[Paul Cicero]

hey mate, dad of three here.. firstly, congratulations!

1. be kind to each other, the hard times will pass and before you know it you will be on the couch with your little one sound asleep sharing a pizza and some vino feeling like the luckiest people on earth.

2. When its your turn to try and settle the newborn back to sleep in the middle of the night, as hard as it is, dont rush it, if they fall asleep in a matter of minutes you have not won yet! Keep the motion that got them to sleep going for another 5-10 minutes, it puts them in a deep sleep and you will save another trip back to the room.

3. Enjoy each milestone and don’t wish your life away - “cant wait for ___ stage to be over” - it goes so fast.

4. Completely change your expectations around sex.. Its different for every relationship, but let her heal and just forget about that part of your relationship for a while.

5. If people are offering help, take it!

6. Embrace your new life, enjoy it and remember you will get back parts of your old life you may miss soon enough.

Im no parent expert or relationship expert, but if you ever wanna ask anything feel free to reach out to this stranger on the internet 🤝

[dstrytruitt]

Congrats on the baby to come!

Not a ton to add as there’s so much good advice here already.

Be patient with the baby, with your lady, and with yourself. Parenting isn’t easy but it’s definitely life changing if you let it.

Be present. Enjoy each moment and milestone and don’t focus on the things you could be doing instead or what the baby hasn’t done yet or what someone else’s baby is doing. Just enjoy the ride.

Worship the ground your lady walks on and do everything you can to lighten her emotional load.


Call your parents if you can and soak up that good grandparent energy. They’re cheering for you.

[The Drew]

lots of good advice already

you will get pooped peed and puked on
little babies can shoot poop out of their butts really far...  so don't wear nice clothes at first

my third is 7 weeks old and she has got her bazooka poops down to a fine art... she will poop but she always saves a bit which she likes to release once her nappy is off... she now gets changed on pet sheets for safety reasons

[JM]

I have three: 9,5, and 3.

A lot of good advice above, and I can only think to add one thing: you will be amazed at how changing their diaper will endear you to them.

It’s like they know how much that poop sucks, and they will love you so much for taking care of it for them.

Maybe it’s in a book somewhere, but it’s just something I noticed and figured out.

[brycickle]

[The real veganshawn]

Be patient

[behavioralguide]

6 month old son and aside from being tired its great! Dont be afraid.

If you can, take as much time off as you can. Not only is it great to be around your newborn for you and them, its also really nice for your partner. Giving birth is intense and so it can be taxing to recover and give care at the same time altough her hormones do seem to give superpowers at times.

I found after a while i found time to do most things i was doing before (skating, rock climbing, occasional drink) it just takes a little more planning.

It goes by so quick and every phase passes, be patient (with eachother) and confident, I will be fine

[behavioralguide]

Oh communicate what you might need aswell, it can be taxing for you too!

[Dad_Brains]

no matter what anyone says, the majority of stuff you don’t need to buy new. Kids grow out of clothes, high chairs, bouncers etc so quick that it’s pointless paying new prices when you can get quality stuff for cheap that’s had barely any use. Also, in my opinion it’s pointless buying fancy branded clothes for them and it seems people only do that to show the kid off as an accessory. Buy a slow cooker also so you can put dinner on in the middle of the day when you’ve got some time rather than waiting until it’s nearly time to eat.

[AitchBeeGayBuh]

You won’t know till later on but lookout for signs of autism in the early years…

[yghartsyrt]

Lots of good advice.

Be prepared: you’ll be worried more than you have ever been.

Try to enjoy every moment - time will pass a lot quicker than expected

[Mean salto]

You won’t know till later on but lookout for signs of autism in the early years…

I've had a story I've been trying to figure out how to not take a full page to write but I know somebody who had just an unbelievable nightmare situation with this and there's a pretty common thing where the little bones around the child's inner ear can fuse. It will have many of the same signs as autism but turns out many doctors will just refuse to look into it. So not to cause stress but it's another thing to be looking out for

[artskool]

Pretty heartwarming to see how much good advice there is here on a skate forum.

Read, sing, talk to your baby/child/younger person constantly and never stop. You're creating habits for both of you.