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Not stoked on all my friends dying from fentanyl, and my parents probably won’t be stoked if they break down my door and I’m dead from an overdose after not returning their calls for a few days. I’m super close to knowingly putting enough to kill me in a future plunger, I guess I’m not stoked on life I’m general. It’ll be the path of least resistance as far as I’m concerned, I’ll pretty much just go to sleep and stop breathing. I have a “an hero” kit in my night stand, which contains a few grams of straight fentanyl & ten 2mg Xanax pills. I’m so lonely in this world, I share my life with no one. Not a single friend, not a love interest in sight, the only thing keeping me somewhat together is my mom’s broken heart over my potentially selfish act, but I feel like I’d be doing her a favor and she can finally stop worrying about me in my absence. Anyone share similar feelings?
8 years sober after opiate addiction.
I'll be straight with you:
I felt the same way and still do feel like I'm a waste of space. That feeling will probably not go away even if you get your shit together. However, you'll find meaning in other, minute, things. Slight self improvement, even if minor, like quitting smoking, will give you some drive.
Are you not tired of being fucking useless? Don't want to grab life by the balls and get your share? You can always resort back to dope, it will always be there. Also, when I was a fiend, I had no friends either, but what do you expect when you hang around junkies, thieves and dealers?
Anyway, I wish you all the best. Try to do something, go to a AA/NA/CA if you can. 12 steps is not for everyone but helped me. Otherwise, check for options. At least try something and better things will come.
Again, you can always return to where ever you are now. And you are far more in control of your life than you think you are.
Good luck.
On the surface it looks like I have everything going for me. I own two successful businesses, I live in an expensive apartment filled with equally expensive stuff, I drive a luxury vehicle, and physically I always look put together. Recently I had over two years of sobriety from NA & HA, but it does nothing for my loneliness. My problem isn’t really using, it has more to do with simply not wanting to live. I flipped a coin when I woke up and said that I’d use the night stand kill kit if it hit tails, but it landed heads up. Either way I’m going to die alone and miserable, so why prolong the inevitable when I get zero joy from living?
Tell me, what do you derive joy from?
don't take the kill kit. i am 100% sure this will be devastating to your mother as well. if you really care about her, your friends and employees more than about yourself, than you can't take the kill kit.
i'm so sorry you lost your friends to fent. i lost a good deal of friends, too and no matter how long ago it was, it will always hurt forever and everytime i think about them, i can't help but to suddenly feel very alone and lost. you have every reason to be depressed despite having a career and all that.
i don't know if you have a history with therapy. you seem very sure about being uncurably depressed and isolated. maybe you tried therapy or rehab already several times. all i know is you reached out on here to tell us how you feel and that tells me you actually don't want to do it.
please don't let a coin decide your fate. even though you don't enjoy your worldly successes, these things mean you are capable and important to and probably loved by a great deal of people, even if unbeknownst to you. you have agency.
in my new job as a nurse/household nanny this morning i had to help a dude who after a severe bout with ms is only able to move his head without spasms take a shit by basically pulling out turd chunks out of his rectum so there was room to perform an enema. this mans life to me is hell. if i tell about what i had to do to him most people would say wow, that job sucks. no man, this mans life fucking sucks. the act is way more fucked for him than for me. but that man is a fucking trooper. he's not going as long as his brain still works. his daily score on an ikobrakai pts per day scale is probably a -3000/10. and i have a few more clients like this where i think man, i don't think i could live like this. they are all in great pain, but they manage to find ways or a headspace to still somehow enjoy life. i think that's crazy and beautiful but also sad of course, and i can't imagine having fun like this. these people are total badasses at life imo. but killing yourself to free up space or to not be a burden. it doesn't work. even if you hate yourself: if you kill yourself, you will damage everyone you love forever. unlike my patients, you have tons of agency to change your fate for a better outcome, please remember that. if you have love for only one person, like your mom, please please please don't kill yourself.
and i know you have love for someone or something because if you already wouldn't give a fuck, your posts wouldn't exist.
if you are not in the right mind to look for a professional rn i'm sure the community can help you out via the outreach thread. please consider posting there if you actually wish to talk to a counselor or even get straight into therapy and are just too in too deep to establish contact.
i seriously wish you all the strength to overcome this black hole and find something or someone in life that will bring you joy, laughter, tears, sweat, and all the hormons that make life a trip but are too rare all the time sometimes, but it might take a while and you know it. which is why i urge you to please not flip the coin before going to bed and to please disassemble your kill kit bro.
at some point in the last five years, i decided i will never kill myself, no matter how deep in depression i'm in. of course who knows if that's still true in ten years, right? but i made the decision and sticked to it so far. and according to my og long term plan i'd have to be dead by now. and nowadays i'm very happy about hot having killed myself yet and even the worst times where it was only me and my anxiety and sadness, were now, in hindsight of course, kind of good and needed to heal up on some of the issues why i wanted to not live so badly. even though it seems dumb, just making a decision for myself to live despite my life being shitty set me on a path to take agency and look for options. and i still have phases of intense anxiety and depression and it's terrible always. but i am nowadays confident that they won't wreck me anymore. i need to work through them and it sucks and sometimes i want to die again. but i eliminated this option to open up all sorts of other options, that in turn motivate me to the point where i can have more and lengthier phases of being stable. i kind of mindtricked my way into this a bit, and this won't work for everyone, but it helped me a lot. a lot more than most of the shitty psychologists or therapists i've seen. so i guess nowadays i take joy from making my own decisions after realizing that a part of my mental health problems stems from being in situations with zero autonomy. the more i just decide to do stuff, the more i get that feedback that some sort of control on my life is possible. so i try to create this feedback loop. this won't cure you i know, it's just a general tactic/viewpoint that helps me a lot to get through dark times.
i know this post is a ramble of sorts, i'm very tired, but i mean everything what i said 100% when i say don't kill yourself.
Topic: Things You Are Not Stoked On (Read 1882930 times)