Author Topic: jokes (Read 32825 times)

oneshovel · « **Reply #240 on:** February 08, 2012, 11:29:32 AM »

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

DMH · « **Reply #241 on:** February 08, 2012, 02:58:21 PM »

When the U.S. government conducts the census, does it find that Jewish people are in the menorah-ty?

saucy ragu · « **Reply #242 on:** February 08, 2012, 09:07:57 PM »

How do you organize a party in outer space?

You planet. (ABD?)

via · « **Reply #243 on:** February 08, 2012, 09:15:54 PM »

What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of coke?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out of a window.

JamesNtheGntPch · « **Reply #244 on:** February 08, 2012, 09:16:12 PM »

Quote from: finknoos on June 14, 2011, 05:48:24 AM

why doesn't chris have beef?

because chris has lamb.

*hangs head in shame*

oh brother. haha shamefully good.

tag_king · « **Reply #245 on:** February 08, 2012, 09:35:14 PM »

Try this one in a big group, if you dare.

LoserMachine · « **Reply #246 on:** February 09, 2012, 12:58:09 PM »

Why did they cancel drivers-ed in Mexico?

The donkey died.

Unbridled Technical Precision · « **Reply #247 on:** February 09, 2012, 01:04:22 PM »

PEDOPHILES ARE FUCKING IMMATURE ASSHOLES.

formeitscrazylike · « **Reply #248 on:** February 09, 2012, 01:09:08 PM »

How can you tell when a moth farts?

It flies in a straight line

chuck d · « **Reply #249 on:** February 09, 2012, 01:30:13 PM »

A man carries a sheep under his arm into his bedroom. He says, "so this is the pig I gotta fuck when you're not around." His wife says, "sweetheart, that's a sheep." The man says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

pancake man · « **Reply #250 on:** February 09, 2012, 07:17:06 PM »

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool

BraveUlysses · « **Reply #251 on:** February 09, 2012, 07:26:01 PM »

All the corny jokes on those eel memes make me laugh

Patey · « **Reply #252 on:** February 09, 2012, 09:04:27 PM »

how did the indian find his sister in the woods?

pretty good.

via · « **Reply #253 on:** February 09, 2012, 09:27:50 PM »

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Hinson died?

Nothing.

formeitscrazylike · « **Reply #254 on:** February 10, 2012, 02:44:25 PM »

So there's this construction worker and while on the job he falls through the second floor due to unsafe work conditions and on the way down, rips both of his ears clean off. He is VERY sensitive about his ears and even goes as far as divorcing his wife for talking about his lack of ears too much. But, he also gets a FAT settlement of millions of dollars.

So, he takes the money and fulfills his life long dream of owning his own business. He starts it up, had every detail figured out except for his second in charge, the person who will run the place while he is away. So he weeds through resumes and finds 3 people that he wants to interview.

The first guy comes in and he's a pretty smart guy, good experience and references. So the man with no ears decides he may want to hire this guy, but he asks him one final question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" the man stammers and pauses for a minute and then replies "Well, sir, you have no ears" the owner responds: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE AND DON'T EVER COME BACK, ASSHOLE!"

Skip to the next day, a woman comes in for her interview and she's just about as smart and experienced as the first guy but she has a giant rack. So the guy decides he may want to hire her. So he gets down to the last question and asks her: "do you notice anything different about me?" The woman replies: "Well yes, it would seem as though you are missing your ears, sir." He replies, "BITCH GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND I HOPE YOU ROT IN PISS!" Onto the next day...

The final interviewee comes in and blows the first two out of the water. Guy graduated college with a 4.0, has vast experience in the field, and is very personable. So the owner really really wants to hire this guy, but, alas, he must ask him the final question...

"Do you notice anything... different... about the way I am?"
The man calmly responds, "Why, yes, now that you mention it, I can't help but notice that you wear contact lenses."
The owner is absolutely ecstatic. Beyond thrilled that the guy is perfect for the job and didn't mention his lack of ears. So the owner, with a giant grin on his face says: "Amazing! How did you know that I wore contact lenses?" To which the man replies "CAN'T WEAR GLASSES WITHOUT ANY FUCKIN EARS!!"

formeitscrazylike · « **Reply #255 on:** February 10, 2012, 02:55:51 PM »

A professional football player is walking home from practice when he hears sirens and screaming just a block away. So the football player runs to the commotion and sees an apartment building on fire with one woman holding a baby on the 23rd floor. It is clear that the woman has no chance of escaping the fire, but she has this baby with her. So the football player yells up, "DROP YOUR BABY DOWN, I WILL CATCH HER, I PROOOMMIIISSSEEEE!!!" The woman screams back down at him "NO WAY I'M DROPPING MY BABY THAT FAR!" The football player responds back "I'M SO-AND-SO, THE FIRST STRING RECEIVER OF THE SO-AND-SO! I PROMISE I WILL CATCH HER!" So the woman, realizing she has no choice if she wants to save her baby, reluctantly holds her arms as far away from the building as she can, and she drops the baby. The football player has his eye on the baby as it is falling, moving in all directions as the wind blows. Then, when the baby is almost down to the 10th story, a giant gust of wind kicks up and the baby starts traveling across the busy street below. The football player sprints into the street, dodging taxis and motorcycles, and even gets hit by a car but rolls over the hood and keeps running. Then, JUST as the baby is about 7 feet off the ground on the other side of the street, the football player trips on the curb and takes a fall. But he JUST manages to get the baby with his finger tips and cradles her in the crook of his arm and tumbles across the sidewalk and arises again with the unharmed baby in his arms. Then he SPIKES the baby on the sidewalk and starts dancing. The end.

weedpop · « **Reply #256 on:** February 10, 2012, 06:16:39 PM »

Quote from: formeitscrazylike on February 10, 2012, 02:44:25 PM

So there's this construction worker and while on the job he falls through the second floor due to unsafe work conditions and on the way down, rips both of his ears clean off. He is VERY sensitive about his ears and even goes as far as divorcing his wife for talking about his lack of ears too much. But, he also gets a FAT settlement of millions of dollars.

So, he takes the money and fulfills his life long dream of owning his own business. He starts it up, had every detail figured out except for his second in charge, the person who will run the place while he is away. So he weeds through resumes and finds 3 people that he wants to interview.

The first guy comes in and he's a pretty smart guy, good experience and references. So the man with no ears decides he may want to hire this guy, but he asks him one final question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" the man stammers and pauses for a minute and then replies "Well, sir, you have no ears" the owner responds: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE AND DON'T EVER COME BACK, ASSHOLE!"

Skip to the next day, a woman comes in for her interview and she's just about as smart and experienced as the first guy but she has a giant rack. So the guy decides he may want to hire her. So he gets down to the last question and asks her: "do you notice anything different about me?" The woman replies: "Well yes, it would seem as though you are missing your ears, sir." He replies, "BITCH GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND I HOPE YOU ROT IN PISS!" Onto the next day...

The final interviewee comes in and blows the first two out of the water. Guy graduated college with a 4.0, has vast experience in the field, and is very personable. So the owner really really wants to hire this guy, but, alas, he must ask him the final question...

"Do you notice anything... different... about the way I am?"
The man calmly responds, "Why, yes, now that you mention it, I can't help but notice that you wear contact lenses."
The owner is absolutely ecstatic. Beyond thrilled that the guy is perfect for the job and didn't mention his lack of ears. So the owner, with a giant grin on his face says: "Amazing! How did you know that I wore contact lenses?" To which the man replies "CAN'T WEAR GLASSES WITHOUT ANY FUCKIN EARS!!"

This is the best one so far.

dirtyweemidden · « **Reply #257 on:** November 16, 2012, 04:02:21 AM »

Quote from: weedpop on February 10, 2012, 06:16:39 PM

Quote from: formeitscrazylike on February 10, 2012, 02:44:25 PM
Expand Quote
So there's this construction worker and while on the job he falls through the second floor due to unsafe work conditions and on the way down, rips both of his ears clean off. He is VERY sensitive about his ears and even goes as far as divorcing his wife for talking about his lack of ears too much. But, he also gets a FAT settlement of millions of dollars.

So, he takes the money and fulfills his life long dream of owning his own business. He starts it up, had every detail figured out except for his second in charge, the person who will run the place while he is away. So he weeds through resumes and finds 3 people that he wants to interview.

The first guy comes in and he's a pretty smart guy, good experience and references. So the man with no ears decides he may want to hire this guy, but he asks him one final question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" the man stammers and pauses for a minute and then replies "Well, sir, you have no ears" the owner responds: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE AND DON'T EVER COME BACK, ASSHOLE!"

Skip to the next day, a woman comes in for her interview and she's just about as smart and experienced as the first guy but she has a giant rack. So the guy decides he may want to hire her. So he gets down to the last question and asks her: "do you notice anything different about me?" The woman replies: "Well yes, it would seem as though you are missing your ears, sir." He replies, "BITCH GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND I HOPE YOU ROT IN PISS!" Onto the next day...

The final interviewee comes in and blows the first two out of the water. Guy graduated college with a 4.0, has vast experience in the field, and is very personable. So the owner really really wants to hire this guy, but, alas, he must ask him the final question...

"Do you notice anything... different... about the way I am?"
The man calmly responds, "Why, yes, now that you mention it, I can't help but notice that you wear contact lenses."
The owner is absolutely ecstatic. Beyond thrilled that the guy is perfect for the job and didn't mention his lack of ears. So the owner, with a giant grin on his face says: "Amazing! How did you know that I wore contact lenses?" To which the man replies "CAN'T WEAR GLASSES WITHOUT ANY FUCKIN EARS!!"
[close]

This is the best one so far.

could be the best joke ever!

how does a rabi make tea?

hebrews it!

what goes round and round screaming at windows?

a baby in a microwave

what is black with has two wheels and sits at the top of the stairs?

stephen hawking in a house fire

what does sant and micheal jackson have in common?

they both go to childrens rooms at night and leave with empty sacks.

formeitscrazylike · « **Reply #258 on:** April 08, 2013, 07:03:23 PM »

Two Irish men are in a bar, musing about this and that, just passing the time while they drink the night away.

"So," Angus says to his dear friend Lachlan. "Did you hear what happened to old Mr. McCleary?"

"No, I can't say I did! Did he finally kick the bucket? That old man is tougher than anyone I've ever laid eyes on!"

"Aye, he passed away all right, but not by any natural causes. He was on a tour of the local whiskey factory and he slipped and fell into the giant production vat. Drowned."

"Oh, poor McCleary! He never stood a chance, did he?"

"Nay, I'd say he had a chance. He got out to go the bathroom three times before he finally drowned."

raunchyrick · « **Reply #259 on:** April 08, 2013, 07:19:35 PM »

WHAT IS BROWN AND RHYMES WITH SNOOP?!?

DR DRE!!!!!!

The Human Condom · « **Reply #260 on:** April 16, 2013, 07:34:00 PM »

Rashida Jones' character in a movie tells this joke as toast during a wedding:
"How do you get a nun pregnant?

-You fuck her."

Rockin Robbin · « **Reply #261 on:** April 16, 2013, 08:47:06 PM »

A Jewish kid walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, can I borrow twenty dollars?"

The dad says, "Ten dollars? What do you need five dollars for?"

Beer Keg Peg Leg · « **Reply #262 on:** April 17, 2013, 12:16:49 AM »

hahahahaha lol'd hard at that one

castillo's curls · « **Reply #263 on:** April 17, 2013, 12:58:20 PM »

What says one tampon to the other?

Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches.

LambShank · « **Reply #264 on:** April 17, 2013, 01:09:21 PM »

how is an electrical socket similar to a woman's asshole?

both seem like good things to put your tounge in until you try.

Merked · « **Reply #265 on:** April 17, 2013, 01:41:37 PM »

What's the difference between a Polish woman and a hockey player?
Hockey players shower after three periods...

How many skaters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw it in, one to film it, and one to shoot the photo.

Mushroom walks into the bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "We don't serve your kind." Mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fungi..."

Two Irish men go out for drinks. They start at a pub and open up a tab. Bout five pints in, one of the Irish men has a great idea. He orders the sausage a pepper dish and when it arrives he says to the other Irish man "Okay, so after we get a few more drinks, I am going to put this sausage into my pant's zipper and you get on your knees and suck it. We will get kicked out and not have to pay our tab." Other Irish guy agrees because fuck it free drinks. Everything goes as planned and they get kicked out. Next bar... This time new tab, 7 drinks, sausage dick, then thrown out. They are both hyped on their plan and continue to get kicked out of bars all night. After getting kicked out of their 6th or 7th bar, the Irish man doing the sucking ask for the sausage because he's drunk and hungry as fuck. To which the Irish guy replies "Fancy this lad, I seemed to have lost the sausage about three bars back..."

May have bastardized that joke, but fuck it.

pica · « **Reply #266 on:** April 17, 2013, 02:06:02 PM »

whats the difference between a pizza and a prostitute?

you can remove the fungus that's on the pizza.

A.J.K. · « **Reply #267 on:** April 17, 2013, 04:10:10 PM »

What did the cannibal do before he dumped his girlfriend?

ate her.

formeitscrazylike · « **Reply #268 on:** April 22, 2013, 02:34:24 PM »

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of geeky, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not geeks, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the geeks are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the geekiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought geeks were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

RockForLight · « **Reply #269 on:** April 22, 2013, 08:59:50 PM »

Quote from: formeitscrazylike on April 22, 2013, 02:34:24 PM

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of geeky, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not geeks, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the geeks are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the geekiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought geeks were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Was your joke written by this guy by chance?

Author Topic: jokes (Read 32825 times)

oneshovel

LoserMachine

BraveUlysses

LambShank

A.J.K.