Things that happen in your life - The Stories Thread.

[sebastian toombs]

did the sex slave get free in the end?

[tag_king]

Yea, I'm pretty sure he's writing a novel.

[Pelican]

the other day i decided to bite the bullet and go get a hair cut. I only get a hair cut once every couple of months because i struggle with maintaining a good self image and altering what i see in a mirror everyday can really fuck with me. Today though(I had planned on it for a good two weeks), i was going to march into great clips and demand my noodley hair to be beautified. Well, I make it out the door with a flustered heart and a wavering voice, unsure of my aesthetic future, and standing to the left of me on a silly little patch of useless grass is an older man, probably early sixties, with bright white hair and a very gentlemanly moustache. Apparently he is employed by the university to do silly things to plants and dirt. I walk by sheepishly, half excited, half loopy, and this man flings words at me, seemingly shot out of the tips of his gentlemanly moustache. "ROTO ROOTER," hits me in the face and i don't quite comprehend why these bizarre syllables are vibrating my eardrums at this time of metaphysical limbo. I glance back at the man in navy dickies and a button up gray shirt with his orangey face and dashing moustache and i say, "oh....sure." He chuckles to himself. maybe he's laughing at my silly mess of hair. I honestly can't recall if in fact that man was wielding a roto-rooter. It could have been some kind of....no. It was a roto rooter. I got my hair cut by a fat lady named Anne that day. she cut around my left ear too high. Today a girl named Anna that i met at a party walked into my psychology class. She's not in the class, she was skipping her usual class and came in with a friend. She invited me to her birthday party. I like Anna. She's not fat and doesn't mess up my hair. I'm going to buy her a roto rooter for her birthday.

[Cthulhu!]

This was sometime in high school. I would take the bus since I lived kind of far away. So one day we were driving and I remember the driver just yelling "Move lady!" and he slammed the brakes. We all felt a thud. Everyone rushed outside and there was a woman on the floor. I remember her gasping, looking at us and thats it. She died in front of us before the ambulance got there. I threw up. That one hit me hard.

One of my friends ended up dieing when he was skating. He was by himself and hit his head. He was skating some stairs I think.


I had another friend who took too much heroin. She didn't make it.


I owed a gun long ago. I remember this one night I was so bummed on everything. I was crying. I can't even remember what it was about, something stupid probably. I had serious thoughts of pulling the trigger that night. I can't believe I even considered that.

[frisco]

One time way back in grade 9, I geuss 6 years ago, I was seeing this girl and she thought it would be fun to give me a lapdance at her house, in her parents room. Yeah great idea, so suprise suprise her mom walks in right in the middle of it with her daughters thong riding up her waist and me sitting with a massive grin on my face, I was horrified, I walked into the kitchen to talk to her mom but she just said "its fine" and looked back at the computer

And that was the story of my first lapdance

[sebastian toombs]

 were you allowed to sell your daughter on craigslist back in 2001?

[Carrolls Chesthairs]

I went to coinstar and i thought i'd only get like 20 bucks and i got 48!

yeah I'll be back to this thread eventually I'm not in a good reminiscing mode right now.

[Star Whores Episode I: The Fellatio Menace]

I was once coming home from a trip to the car wash and was driving though an intersection getting into the sweet sounds of Fugazi on my Ipod. I casually looked to my right and saw an elderly man in a tiny white truck barreling towards me with his eyes about the size of beachballs.

That was the story of my first car accident.

[Blue Fescue]

I owed a gun long ago. I remember this one night I was so bummed on everything. I was crying. I can't even remember what it was about, something stupid probably. I had serious thoughts of pulling the trigger that night. I can't believe I even considered that.

In the dark days after I graduated from college and was aimless I lived on a friends couch for awhile.  He had a crazy roommate whose parents owned a pawnshop so he had lots of guns.  Anyways, one day I walked in and he was sitting in the La-Z-Boy crying with a handgun in his lap.  I think I just left and he was "fine" the next day. 

[NickDagger]

Don't neglect work stories and love stories and school stories!

[Mouth]

When I was 9 or so, I lived in Indonesia. On a family holiday to Bali my dad made me walk with him about 2 miles down Nusa Dua beach, despite my repeated warnings of impending shart action. Eventually, my bowels giving way, I thought "fuck it" and just ditched him. I ran and ran and ran, and finally, in the manicured gardens of my luxurious 5 star hotel, I sharted all over myself right in front of an utterly bewildered Japanese tour group.

To add insult to injury, their guide cleaned me off in front of them with a fire hydrant.

Radical.

[mr. otsu]

when I was younger I hooked up with a girl whose ex-cop stepfather had a crush on her.  we were both drunk, horny and naked when he rocked up at the party.  had to show up at his place the next day with a sizable hangover, where he threatened me with arrest and associated ass rapeage.  He then proceeded to throttle me, but I talked him out of it.

That was the story of my first angry stepdad encounter.

[busey]

its been a while since ive read every post in a thread.

back in my hometown of niagara falls you can just walk into marine land (our crappy version of sea world) after hours. there's just a huge section of fence missing for some odd reason that you can just wander in and pet the whales. my friend one time released the sea lion and it took the fucking thing like 20 minutes to get out of the cage. security would come, but you would see the head lights on their vehicles coming at you from the other side of the place, giving you minutes to hide or run away. i wanted to ride one of the reindeers but security was coming. i regret not doing that every day.

[gordon bombay]

for some reason or another when i was 6 i poured my whole glass of orange juice on my sisters head at breakfast for no reason. i dont know what i was thinking or why i specifically remember it at all, but to this day it amazes me how weird i was.

[masturskater]

so a friend of mine was sleeping in the top bunk in his dorm room when he's awaken by his roommate comes in with his girlfriend.  rather than leave he decides to try and sleep through it.  anyway, his roommate and this girl start messin around and end up fuckin in the bottom bunk.  dude can't sleep with the sounds of fucking below him.  just then he hears his roommate talkin about wanting to fuck her in the ass.  she's never done it before but she's down for it.  well when his roommate pulled out, the girl shit uncontrollably causing him to throw up all over her causing her to throw up too.  it was quite a mess he said.

[Pelican]

you stole that from tucker max you dirtburger

[tag_king]

you stole that from tucker max you dirtburger

What is Tucker Max? I heard the exact same story when I was in highschool about one of my friends.. it was a rumor that started over some shit stained sheets after a party. A kid told me about it at lunch and I laughed so hard at how insane the rumor had gotten I did a full body laugh and head butted the girl sitting behind me.

[masturskater]

you stole that from tucker max you dirtburger

hah!

i never even heard of tucker max before.  but i just looked up his story.  it didn't happen the same way as that, but it did happen.  i actually talked to the girl at a party about it.  

"oh wait, aren't you the girl that shit the bed?"
then she cried and ran away.  i was kind of drunk at the time.
 

hmmm, now that i think about it, maybe she cried cause it was a dirty rumor.  common occurance??  either way, it sure as hell scared me out of stickin anything up a girls pooper.

[no one you know]

One time during my Devun Walsh wanna-be phase I took ten shots of rich and rare whiskey and pissed all over my RA's door before this snowboard club meeting at around 7pm.

For some reason nothing was ever mentioned about it during the following residence hall meeting.

I also later found out that they were doubles.  

[Tarquin]

A few months ago this girl I know in college's step dad died and she texted me saying "Kieth is in the newpaper today" talking about her step dad, but I thought she was talking about someone who we went to school with called Kieth Taylor, I didn't know her step dad was called Kieth so I text back "haha what page? he's a fucking moron", she got really upset to say the least, I tried to explain it was a mistake but she wasn't having it and doesn't want to be friends anymore, mainly because I thought the whole thing was really funny

[LloydChristmas]

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you stole that from tucker max you dirtburger

[close]

I heard the exact same story when I was in highschool about one of my friends.. it was a rumor that started over some shit stained sheets after a party.

I think it's pretty funny how this rumor has circulated throughout every high school in the country apparently. 

[verbal ham]

for some reason or another when i was 6 i poured my whole glass of orange juice on my sisters head at breakfast for no reason. i dont know what i was thinking or why i specifically remember it at all, but to this day it amazes me how weird i was.

this reminds me of when i was about 5 years old living in russia , my family lived in a big apartment building and i remember walking in the hallway with a plastic bag and a toy tractor in it and i just started swinging it uncontrollably  and hitting my brother in the face with it he was bleedin really bad and just trippin out  , after that i put it down and just walked down the hallway and drawing on the walls with lipstick

[Bipsmound]

for some reason or another when i was 6 i poured my whole glass of orange juice on my sisters head at breakfast for no reason. i dont know what i was thinking or why i specifically remember it at all, but to this day it amazes me how weird i was.

I did the exact same thing.  She got me back during a water fight when she took a jug of milk from the fridge.  That was kinda weird.

Anyhow, when I was in grade 5 there was this turd kid named Russell.  He'd failed a grade and was kinda the butt of jokes and what have you.  One time somebody put dog shit in his baseball glove and threw it at him, that kinda thing.

So, he had this stupid fucking Aerobie, I dunno if you guys remember those, but it was like a frisbee with a hole in the middle.  He was playing with it in the school yard, and I asked him if I could try it.  Those things go pretty far, and it ended up on the roof.  He hemmed and hawed about how he'd have to find a janitor to get it down, and he was a big pussy about it.

I didn't see him for a long time and couple a years passed.  He musta been in high school by this time, and I was in junior high.  I bumped into him at a 7-11 and the first thing he says when he sees me (and he was dead serious), was that he wants his Aerobie back, and how he never got his precious Aerobie back.  He seriously started crying which was totally inappropriate and embarrassing having this weird fucker crying at me in the 7-11. 

He kept saying he was going to tell my dad on me, I guess cause my dad was his soccer coach or some shit when he was a kid.  I dunno, regular stuff.  Maybe I was an asshole to him, but public crying when you're in high school is somewhat disgraceful.

[tag_king]

The first time I got a bj I was down in this girls basement after a party had died down... I was laying on the ground and after I came and it was all slurped up, I sat up and let a huge fart rip right in front of her. Oh, and the first girl I went down on was this nasty broad, but her brother Jason Spezza is on the ottawa senators now and killing it. I am going to the game on saturday when the leafs play the sens and am going to try and heckle him about his sisters nasty pussy. I gotta get nice and drunk so I follow through with the plan.

[sebastian toombs]

oh god, the first girl i "did it" with was, i think, the sister of "mad child" from swollen members...   


jason spezza > mad child

[artichoke]

The first time I got a bj I was down in this girls basement after a party had died down... I was laying on the ground and after I came and it was all slurped up, I sat up and let a huge fart rip right in front of her. Oh, and the first girl I went down on was this nasty broad, but her brother Jason Spezza is on the ottawa senators now and killing it. I am going to the game on saturday when the leafs play the sens and am going to try and heckle him about his sisters nasty pussy. I gotta get nice and drunk so I follow through with the plan.

Next time I come to Toronto we need to get drunk, if for nothing else because of the passage above.

Fuck the sens.

[sergioflorez]

i use to watch ron popeil infomercials religiously. "set it and forget it!"

[Star Whores Episode I: The Fellatio Menace]

i use to watch ron popeil infomercials religiously. "set it and forget it!"

I once begged my mom to get us a Showtime rotisserie.

And thats the story of when I found out my mom is a bitch who wants me to eat like an animal.

[no one you know]

Expand Quote

The first time I got a bj I was down in this girls basement after a party had died down... I was laying on the ground and after I came and it was all slurped up, I sat up and let a huge fart rip right in front of her. Oh, and the first girl I went down on was this nasty broad, but her brother Jason Spezza is on the ottawa senators now and killing it. I am going to the game on saturday when the leafs play the sens and am going to try and heckle him about his sisters nasty pussy. I gotta get nice and drunk so I follow through with the plan.

[close]

Next time I come to Toronto we need to get drunk, if for nothing else because of the passage above.

Fuck the sens.

Yeah that was straight inspiration right there. My first BJ was at an outdoor kegger, and the chick and I went back to my subaru which had a hatch back get in there, she goes to work but was fucking braces, ouch! (She had braces on her teeth) She spit the giz load all over my shirt, fucking bitch. Luckily I was wearing two shirts, I used to rock 2 tee's all the time back in the d-zzzay.




My last BJ was fucking real sad, got it from a fat chick like a year or so ago, I couldn't bust, I even asked her to pant and moan extra harder, ended off wacking it and blasted all over her center console/interior of her car. Then went back into the bar, fuck.

[gordon bombay]

this story has no climax really, just a random drunk night being really, really dumb.

the other weekend i was driving my friend and his gf to the subway from this party we were at. i was pretty fucking wasted at this point. i wanted to hang and drink more but they wanted to head back into manhattan. so i dropped them off, and had a little joy ride around. i was blasting music and singing at the top of my lungs, by myself of course. i decided i needed more beer so instead of stopping at any of the 32 thousand bodegas around, i proceeded to park right out front of the bar. i head into the bar, its pretty dead, it was 3:30 by this time i guess. i order myself a bud and sit in a booth, waiting for the bartender to turn his back so i could leave and bring the beer with out with me (ive been doing that too often lately). he finally goes and does something else and im out. i finally get the door open, and now im driving around drinking it like its a bottle of water or something. i go through the mcdonalds drive through with the beer in the cup holder like whatever no big deal. then i drove home, popped in uncle buck on vhs, and ate disgutingly good mcdonalds food and passed out on my futon. looking back this was fucking retarted. considering that everything i did was in a 4 block radius.