Things that happen in your life - The Stories Thread.

[tag_king]

Expand Quote

The first time I got a bj I was down in this girls basement after a party had died down... I was laying on the ground and after I came and it was all slurped up, I sat up and let a huge fart rip right in front of her. Oh, and the first girl I went down on was this nasty broad, but her brother Jason Spezza is on the ottawa senators now and killing it. I am going to the game on saturday when the leafs play the sens and am going to try and heckle him about his sisters nasty pussy. I gotta get nice and drunk so I follow through with the plan.

[close]

Next time I come to Toronto we need to get drunk, if for nothing else because of the passage above.

Fuck the sens.

Deal.. maybe by then toronto will have another hockey team and we can actually afford to go heckle Spezza together. My friend got some tickets for his birthday so I got a freebee.

[masturskater]

this story has no climax really, just a random drunk night being really, really dumb.

the other weekend i was driving my friend and his gf to the subway from this party we were at. i was pretty fucking wasted at this point. i wanted to hang and drink more but they wanted to head back into manhattan. so i dropped them off, and had a little joy ride around. i was blasting music and singing at the top of my lungs, by myself of course. i decided i needed more beer so instead of stopping at any of the 32 thousand bodegas around, i proceeded to park right out front of the bar. i head into the bar, its pretty dead, it was 3:30 by this time i guess. i order myself a bud and sit in a booth, waiting for the bartender to turn his back so i could leave and bring the beer with out with me (ive been doing that too often lately). he finally goes and does something else and im out. i finally get the door open, and now im driving around drinking it like its a bottle of water or something. i go through the mcdonalds drive through with the beer in the cup holder like whatever no big deal. then i drove home, popped in uncle buck on vhs, and ate disgutingly good mcdonalds food and passed out on my futon. looking back this was fucking retarted. considering that everything i did was in a 4 block radius.

you reminded of this story.  so it was the last weekend before entering the real world of professional work.  my buddies and i went up to the old campus for a game and to party.  i had to leave early that weekend so when i left i had my buddy drop me off at my car.  i had a heineken in my bag and was just like, "oh, here you can have this.  little contribution for tonight's adventures."  so he's like "sweet" and kept it.  well he left it in his car's cupholder.  so come monday when he reported for his first day of work at the nuclear power plant, the security guard at the front gate looks into the car and points at the bottle.  "you can't bring that in here."

wonderful first impression haha

[Wizard Fuck]

Me and this kid named Marquis were best friends. We hung out every single day for 4 years. Then highschool came along, we got into different cliques or whatever. I got involved with the grateful dead stereotype kids, and he got involved with gangs and shit. We would still talk to eachother every now and then, but we would never hang out. 2 years later, I open up the newspaper, and the fool killed somebody. Him and 2 other kids killed this guy, and left him in the woods. Turns out, me and my friend were the people who saw the guy they killed in the woods.

[kevbo999]

Right before I moved to the city, 3 years ago, I was at some hick party in the woods back home.  I was having a good time, drinking, smoking and laughing it up with everyone.  Then there was this girl who I had talked to a lot on MSN and shit for a couple years.  She was always a goody goody, but had just recently started drinking, so a pretty bad drunk...

She called out the "coolest" guy at the party for being on a hockey team that gangbangs ugly sluts, saying he had AIDS, in front of everyone.  Finally she goes outside, I talk to the bro like "I don't know what's with that crazy bitch..", and the party goes on.  I then go outside and we somehow end up walking into the woods.  We're sitting on a rock, just giggling and shit, and as soon as I lean in to kiss her, I uncontrollably rip the biggest fart.

I tried to blame it on her but she was totally grossed out and ran back to the party.  I went to pass out in my friend's car.  I wonder how many people she told..  The next time I saw her was when I came down that winter, it was a hockey game.  She was there with her boyfriend, and my friend tripped me in front of them, and 200 other people.

[busey]

on the topic of farts, last week i woke up in the middle of the night and ripped the most prestigious loudest fart ever...completely forgetting my girlfriend was cuddling me from behind...so i pretend i'm passed out, while maintaining my giggling, as she shifted around probably scared for her life.
the next day i had the runs so i'm sitting on the can and decide i'd call my friend and shart on speaker phone and make him listen. so i call him up and say 'hey someone wants to say hi' and let it rip..i burst out laughing as hes yelling at me and i hang up..i finish up, still laughing, open the door and there she is...my girlfriend standing outside the door with a confused look on her face. "it's a man thang" i reminded her.

[skate_bored]

on the topic of farts, last week i woke up in the middle of the night and ripped the most prestigious loudest fart ever...completely forgetting my girlfriend was cuddling me from behind...so i pretend i'm passed out, while maintaining my giggling, as she shifted around probably scared for her life.
the next day i had the runs so i'm sitting on the can and decide i'd call my friend and shart on speaker phone and make him listen. so i call him up and say 'hey someone wants to say hi' and let it rip..i burst out laughing as hes yelling at me and i hang up..i finish up, still laughing, open the door and there she is...my girlfriend standing outside the door with a confused look on her face. "it's a man thang" i reminded her.

i almost fell out of my chair laughing

[All Hail Wu Welsh]

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2007/09/12/2007-09-12_top_chef_contestant_in_bias_attack.html



        I told this story a while back here, but i feel its worth re-telling because of how fucking crazy and the shit storm it created.  After a day of partying at a friends bbq, me and a shit load of friends decided to cap the night at a local bar.  The bar tender there is generally cool about serving underage kids, so we were sitting there just drinking, and having a goodtime, then this crew of drunk dykes, i mean these chicks are full out lesbos.  They come in causing a ruckus, knocking into us dancing on top of tables and shit, my friends girlfriend had had enough and told them to chill out.  Well then one of these chicks who knew me and my two of my friends are underage, starts shouting at the bartender that we're underage and we need to leave or she's calling the cops.  The shouting match between these bitches and my friends girlfriend moves outside, and once outside it goes to blows between these four bulldogs and my friends sister and girlfriend.  After watching his little sister and girlfriend get stomped out by these chicks for long enough, my friend snaps and just straight cold clocks the bitch from top chef, she was out so cold she was literally snoring face first on the ground.  After that happened we knew shit was bad so we started running, we had to run through peoples back yards and hopping fences, this couple saw us all running and were nice enough to let us stay on their back porch till shit died down.

      A couple of days after the incident is when shit really hit the fan.  My friend took a camera from one the chicks in the top chef crew when they were fighting, he felt guilty about it and went to the bar where the fight happened to return it.  Well cops nabbed him the moment he showed up, arrest him and throw the book at him cause he's the only one at the moment they could pin anything on.  You see the bitch from top chef and her lawyer we're trying to get real famous off this case, make it a almost matthew sheppard like deal.  They went to the press and totally fabricated this story that we fought them cause they were being openly gay and we just didn't tolerate that, saying that we all chased them out of the bar and beat them.  Well they nabbed our friend and being that he wouldn't rat anyone out, then pinned everything thing on him, they hit him up with every hate crime they could and he was now facing 15 to 25.  This lawyer and bitch were really trying to ruin this kids life, just so they could get their 15 minutes of fame.  After spending 7 months in county jail, the court dropped the case and let my friend go.  My friend who clocked the chick and his girl left for texas, once shit started to come down and still have never returned.  We sorta laugh about the situation now, but it changed a couple friends lifes drastically.  Me and my close friends that were involved really didnt do anything, so we werent really worried, but the cops were looking to bring us in for questioning for a while so we had to law low for a little bit.  Sorry about both my stories being ridiculously long, but they had to be to tell you the whole story.

[BriDen]

i use to watch ron popeil infomercials religiously. "set it and forget it!"

You and me, both. I've had nothing but broadcast television my whole life, so he was one of my big influences growing up... 

Kindergartedn GF, lived in a 2 family apt. complex in the hood, with some woods down the street. She lived downstairs I lived upstairs.  We go down the street to play in the woods (which was like an acre) and she's like let's do what they do in the movies, so we pull our pants down to our ankles and start slobbering and tongue kissing.  2 minutes into it we're on the ground and I'm eating her pussy and shes licking my needle dick.  I wish I could've flexed my cream treat on her, but I was only 5 or 6.  We made out like that one more time til her dad caught us in the backyard...we werent allowed to be friends after that.  I moved to the suburbs a month later.
I wish I had the swagger I had then, now...

[cold budweisers]

one night me and my friend were skateboarding in the street and doing satanic shit like that, and this wacky dude who called himself sexual jay came up to us was like 'wazzup ya'll i saw a guy do a 540 tailwhip on a scooter' and we were like oh shit tight. so then he was like 'yo my friends have a house around here, you should come over and drink beers wid us.' so we went over to their house and started drinking beers and playing video games and shit with these guys. they mentioned being in a band and we were like 'whatever,' they just seemed like normal cool dudes. ne waiz, it turns out they are these fucking assholes.

needless to say i was pretty disturbed.

[busey]

the video is no longer available..shit, i wanted to know who it was haha

[sebastian toombs]

was it kottonmouth kings?

[brycickle]

was it kottonmouth kings?

needless to say i was pretty disturbed.

I'm guessing the answer is somewhere else in the post?

[BriDen]

the video is no longer available..shit, i wanted to know who it was haha

It wasn't removed, they just disabled embedding it, and... well I won't ruin the surprise; see for yourself. Just copy and paste...

Code: [Select]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFGQQOQCcpI

[Lance]

Expand Quote

the video is no longer available..shit, i wanted to know who it was haha

[close]

It wasn't removed, they just disabled embedding it, and... well I won't ruin the surprise; see for yourself. Just copy and paste...

Code: [Select]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFGQQOQCcpI

If i walked in and saw that lead singer I woulda showed myself out immediately, dude is suspect

[sweets]

What should have been my first time having relations was interrupted by my utter disgust of the smell of fish. The girl was one of those girls that develop early so she had pretty big breasts and a full bush in 7th grade. I don't think anyone told the poor gal about hygiene. When she pulled her pants down, I gagged and immediately pulled my pants up, walked out the house and about mile back to my house. I still feel bad about leaving her hanging but it was like whoa down there. I was scared.

When I gave my virginity away, I stopped all proceedings to play Slayer's "Reign In Blood" album. This memory makes me feel like a certifiable weirdo. Who stops humping so they can listen to Slayer when their youthful innocence is being thrown away inside the great vortex of a teenage vagina? It seems like there might be something more important to think about.

[Pelican]

i was trying to find a ride to a party. the weather was kind of strange. i sat in an apartment pretending to be interested in a hermit crab lovingly labeled "baby." baby was trying to escape. everyone was talking about new york city. no one was actually from there. A junior raised in texas with faded blue hair inquired if i skated. He must have noticed the derelict state of my rowley shambles. I said yes. He was a rollerblader. he skated vert. at his prime he could do a backflip with a half twist. I glanced at baby and we both rolled our eyes. I ended up not going to the party. baby and i are now living in a villa in barbados. there are morning glorys caressing the arches of every window and the wisteria grows like endless dragon tails reaching toward a shattered sun.

[The Boner]

shit i have a couple storys...sorry in advance


Well before i even started drinking i was with my friend at the park in my neighborhood skating on the basketball courts and there was these 2 kids who hated my friend because he gave the kid a titty twister and got taken to court. so we leave and on our way back to our house we see 2 cops driving thru the neighborhood so curiosity set in and we started following the cops. long story short the kids mom called the cops on us and said we were drunk and i got pulled over on my bicycle. Ironically the first time i got drunk i ended up at the same park swinging naked and then running from the cops in nothing but a beanie.

the last time i got wasted was on vacation about 2 summers ago. i was stayin with my friends family and another family. i chugged chugged some rum and went to bed. i ended up pissing all over this 8 year old kid and ended up on somebody elses bed. my friends mom woke me up the tried wakin my up the next day and my junk was still hangin out. she put it up for me.

here is the first date story:
i was taking my now girlfriend out to eat for her birthday and i am her first serious boyfriend. so as im waiting for her to be done gettin ready(cuz you know they always make you wait), her dad calls me into the living room and i see his glock on the table and he continues to start questioning me on what im gonna do that night, how fast im gonna drive and what time im gonna have her home. i seriously almost shit my pants. no he is the collest dude ever and we often reflect on this event...im so gonna do this when i have kids

[Battle]

since tucker max was mentioned already i might as well post this. http://www.tuckermax.com/stories.phtml

[NickDagger]

more

[skatemore,man]

About a year ago i was living out of my car/ couch surfing down in NC when i started hooking up with this girl Amy who was originally from Jersey. I'd met Amy through her boyfriend, who had given me a place to stay a few times, and when we first met i started fucking her sister. So i've got this total transient vibe going on in this town, pretty much scumming through, skating, shooting photos, drinking PBR, and fucking the girl friends of dudes who i didn't like. Now anyways, this dude was a total tool, decent enough in that he'd let you sleep on his couch, but dirtbag in that he'd get wasted and light my friends S10 on fire.
       Anyhow, His girlfriend and i would hang out everyday, leave the bar together, shit like that, and he never did anything about it. His lack of aggression might have been because i was originally fucking the younger sister and he was truly oblivious or he really was the choad that everyone named Ray usually tends to be. Amy and i would have epic fuck sessions in her parents huge ass house that was built in a development that seemed to be designed for Northerners who'd made some dough and wanted to move south. Man, there were times when i'd be drinking beer with her dad and she'd come downstairs, grab my hand, lead me upstairs, and we'd fuck, only to return downstairs to watch more TV. Anyways, this went on for a few months.
       One day around Xmas time she and i drove out to Asheville. On the way back i asked for some road head. This girl gave great blowjobs; complete with tongue ring, cock craving eyes, and swallowing. So all was said and done, she reapplied her lipstick and we were right about back in Salisbury. We pulled up to the bar and as soon as we walked in saw Ray. She went over and started making out with him. I walked over to the bar and the guy says "hey man, thanks for taking her to Asheville. I owe ya." He then orders me a beer and pays for my supper.

[NickDagger]

Oh man.

[tag_king]

Holy shit, I think you're a cunt , but at the same time, I also want to be your friend. So many mixed emotions. In the end thats pretty bad ass.

[angryfacedman]

Yesterday I was at the local skatepark. Went out to a shop thats right outside to get some soda. Anyway, when I look in the window, i see a man standing there, right by the sodas. I walk in and I see that this man has a hammer in the one hand and some glittery christmas thingy in his other hand. He looks really stoned and stares at me. I find out that their out of sodas on 0.5litres bottles, so I leave. Later on the night he was standing outside the skatepark..
The dude freaked me out.

[brent]

you ever have one of those days that's just "ugh"? and it's like you can't even...you know what i mean? well, i was feeling that way on friday because i heard a cd that really bummed me out. so i went to the club to cheer myself up! and i waited in line for like an hour and they wouldn't let me in and it was like "great i'm really glad i waited in line for like an hour." so i went to another club with lower standards and they let me in. i was the coolest guy there!

it was totally crazy! the party was pumpin' and the music was loud! like really loud. like maybe too loud. so i tore up the floor for a minute and a half then i got self-conscience because i was dancing by myself. so i went up to this girl that was crazy hot.  it was like she was so hot my face was melting. and i was like "hey you wanna uh...what's up?" and she couldn't hear me cause the music was so loud. and she was like "what?" and i was like "WHAT?" and she was like "who are you?" and i was like "some guy." and she was like "what do you want?" and i was like "nothing" and then i walked away.

and then i had some beers! and then i came back and i said "I WANNA DANCE!" and she said "no." and i said "ok. see ya later" it was totally crazy. that's when things got really weird and some stuff went down that i really don't remember. some how i ended up talking to two guys and one of the guys was a sexy lady! wait no it was just one lady. i could tell right away she was...i don't know. then we made out! maybe that part was a dream. so i'm talking to this girl and her name was Max which is weird because i knew a girl in high school named Max. and just that second i got texted by Max! not the one i was talking to,the one from my high school! ISN'T THAT CRAZY!

[masturskater]

you ever have one of those days that's just "ugh"? and it's like you can't even...you know what i mean? well, i was feeling that way on friday because i heard a cd that really bummed me out. so i went to the club to cheer myself up! and i waited in line for like an hour and they wouldn't let me in and it was like "great i'm really glad i waited in line for like an hour." so i went to another club with lower standards and they let me in. i was the coolest guy there!

it was totally crazy! the party was pumpin' and the music was loud! like really loud. like maybe too loud. so i tore up the floor for a minute and a half then i got self-conscience because i was dancing by myself. so i went up to this girl that was crazy hot.  it was like she was so hot my face was melting. and i was like "hey you wanna uh...what's up?" and she couldn't hear me cause the music was so loud. and she was like "what?" and i was like "WHAT?" and she was like "who are you?" and i was like "some guy." and she was like "what do you want?" and i was like "nothing" and then i walked away.

and then i had some beers! and then i came back and i said "I WANNA DANCE!" and she said "no." and i said "ok. see ya later" it was totally crazy. that's when things got really weird and some stuff went down that i really don't remember. some how i ended up talking to two guys and one of the guys was a sexy lady! wait no it was just one lady. i could tell right away she was...i don't know. then we made out! maybe that part was a dream. so i'm talking to this girl and her name was Max which is weird because i knew a girl in high school named Max. and just that second i got texted by Max! not the one i was talking to,the one from my high school! ISN'T THAT CRAZY!

That's non-toxic and safe.  you need toxic

[no one you know]

So my very first post has a crazy long story if you want to look it up its from the hooking up with co-workers thread anyways, this is the story of the last time I got laid (5months ago, I have lost my mojo)....

I was at a bar really drunk and was talking to some dame telling her how I have this fantasy that needs to be fulfilled which is to hook up with a milf. And this chick was a milf, so......

Months later my friends and I were drinking in the day on someone's boat on a lake in the summer, and when we were done, we were trying to figure out what to do, and they don't skate so they are kind of pussy and I was like, "Yo lets go to the fucking bar and get some grub!" So we go, and about a 1/2 hour into it, this chick strolls in and sits right next to me. I'm like word. She's fucking hot, and my friends were like word. So I start talking to her and shit, and eventually we were both like, "have we met?" I was all, "nah, I don't know, probably not, I'm no one you know." (nah I didn't say that) but she was all like the fucking light bulb turned on, "I met you at a bar and you said how you wanted to have sex with a milf!" I was all, "ohh shit, I'm fucked." But she was cool with it, and technically she ain't a milf cuz she has no kids, but 39 yrs old, and really fucking fine, she's short, brunette, tight, petite, and looks 23. Anyways I get to go back to her place and fuck her, I didn't last too long cuz she started fucking screaming, whoa.  But she had a boyfriend in Cali, so no dice on a fuck buddy, or an affair, whatever, but I just called her and she wants to get together near the end of November, "I'll be gone till november, I'll be gone till november......"

[Carrolls Chesthairs]

the phillies won the world series last night and my town went nuts. hundreds of people were partying at this corner and were just going nuts. went driving around and just honked at people it was great.

[NickDagger]

more

[nice weather]

About two years ago, I had just recently moved to another city, I came back to Vienna over the weekend to catch up with my friends and all that. So I hung out with some buddies, went skating my favourite park and even learned a new trick which got me very stoked. In the evening my ex girlfriend, we had only very recently broken up, called me and asked if I wanted to go to a bar or something and I said sure. We had a lot of drama shit when we broke up, but we never actually hated each others, so it was all good I thought. So I got on the Metro and drove to the bar and met her there. She and her best friend, who's also pretty hot were already a bit drunk and obviously on their best ways to slut mode. That may be a harsh description for it because they ae both nice girls, but you know what I mean. Being very suprised at how much attention I was getting, I thought it wouldn't hurt to pour down a few drinks and get on their level. They both had brandnew boyfriends at the time so I didn't expect anything to happen.
So I was sitting at the bar and some other girl named Linda, who was obviously some scene enemy or whatever of the two, talked to me and got all filrty and so forth. I wasn't really feeling Linda anyways but kept up the conversation for a bit and then my ex girlfriend and her friend wanted to mark their territory or some shit and hit on me really hard. They then proceeded to making out with each others or myself and touching my weewee. We went outside and they suggested to go to one of their places to "try something out".
Needless to say I was stoked.
After a short nightbus ride and a 5 minute walk we got there and went to the bedroom. The friend of my ex girlfriend was all over me at that time and thats when they started to discuss how they should do this whole thing and if they really should. While we were all getting naked I didn't say a word, because all that came to mind was "boobies" and I didn't want to throw over the already shaking Jenga tower of lust. We lay down in the bed and my ex went: "I can't do this, I feel bad for my new boyfriend", so we said thats cool, (I thought that's not cool.)
Long story short I ended up banging her friend, which was awesome, while my ex passed out naked next to us in bed.

Thats the closest I ever got to a threesome and I still feel bad about it cause it was actually real shitty of me. The friendship of the two girls also got a few cracks from that evening because my ex obviously still had some feelings for me. Took me two years to even tell the whole story in full detail, but I thought it might make a better story than that one time I broke into a zoo and fell into the wombat enclosures.

[Brandon]

this was back in junior year or something, i don't remember.  after not eating all day and feeling like complete shit, i was ready to end a shitty saturday.  my friends decided that it would be a good idea to go to my friend andrew's house and get fucked up.  andrew's house was the epitome of the party house, everyone knows a dude who has a place like it.  anyway, peer pressure worked.  we get there, there are fucking DROVES of people already getting into it.  i ate two massive california burritos and was drinking tequila straight, not even thinking, just raging in the goodness of the burritos and the fact that daft punk had everybody completely zany.

andrew had a little brother, probably 13 or 14, who was basically everybody's little brother.  always trying to be cool with the older people, doing anything for attention.  he's fat and silly looking.  he's been drinking (against everyone's good sense) and is well on his way to being smashed.  the typical party slut was there, and her name is ashley.  back then she was like 18 or 19.  pretty much everyone has had a taste and she's just laughable at this point, plus she always came in tow with tons of liquor.  she is also extremely drunk.

i myself am beyond stoked, jamming to daft punk completely free of inhibition.  i run upstairs to piss and accidentally walk in on andrew's little brother, his arm halfway down ashley's pants.  ashley is moaning and the little brother gives me a thumbs up.  i erupt in laughter and continue down the hall.

i wake up the next morning on the floor with my shirt off.  i see it in the corner of the room and its covered in puke, and andrew's little brother is also covered in puke.  somebody told me that before i passed out i blew chunks all over him and ashley as they slept (ashley is nowhere to be seen).  also, the little brother shat himself in his sleep (i heard this later). 

i had no ride home, so this guy i barely even know gives me a ride home in his ridiculous bumble bee-yellow hummer.  i am shirtless and we do not speak.