Thanks guys! Admittedly I've not been able to find the right words to properly reply, and have typed up numerous responses only to delete them before posting. Simply put, I love and appreciate women greatly, and I feel the emotion of love to such an intense degree that it is often times overwhelming for myself. I am selfless in love, but I am also unlucky in love, and through the years I have given up so much of myself to a nearly damaging degree. Love is the only thing I know for certain, and I feel as though it is my true purpose in life. It feels sappy talking about these things on a skate forum, but since we are already on that topic I might as well explain.
I've also drunkenly visited "Real Confessions" numerous times, and attempted to type up everything I have gone through/am going through in regards to women, only again to just delete prior to posting.
Things didn't work out with my wife due to a number of issues, but the first and underlying issue occurred just months after marriage. My wife's ex whom was a very unique character, and by all accounts a great guy died unexpectedly of a heroin overdose. It was the first, and only time he ever used heroin, but he had been speedballing throughout the course of the night. He had made it home safely, and into bed, but he never woke to see another day. This permanently changed my wife in a way that she became somewhat removed, and was always trying to escape in any way she could. Distractions from reality became a big thing, and it was her way of coping not only with the loss, but the blame she placed on herself for his death. She always held herself accountable for his death as she felt as if she had been there with him he'd have never even thought of touching heroin that night. Even now, she still holds herself accountable to such a self destructive degree, and I've recently told her she needs to forgive herself for what happened. It's not a subject we discussed much (that it had changed who she was), but I always understood the sense of grief and loss she must have felt.
After that had happened she had become addicted to online gaming. To a degree that was entirely unhealthy, and it was her distraction of choice. It got to a point where I had become nearly invisible, and simply didn't exist. We lost nearly all intimacy, and I suffered through that for years just out of the sadness I felt for the inner turmoil she must have felt. We suffered together in our own separate ways, and I was left carrying the burden of all responsibilities. I felt very alone for a number of years, and I told myself if by 30 nothing changed than I would have to make some hard decisions. I had also reached a point where I started thinking often about self harm, but I wont touch on that here.
Then on our last trip to Wales it was simply just a surreal experience. I can't explain the weight in the air, or the unspoken tension. It wasn't even between us, as there was very little there. Very little interaction at all, and even when we were alone there was nothing. I was in my paradise a ghost in the presence of my lover. It was really fucking heart breaking, and I stayed silent. Eventually I ended up sleeping in a separate room for the remaining 2 months of our trip. I also developed a pretty severe case of travelers E.coli, and she would barely check up on me the 2 weeks or so I was effected. I felt irrelevant, and alone, lesser than nothing. We spent nights in Reading, and Torquay in hotels, and there was no intimacy. It was incredibly damaging to my sense of self worth, and my self image.
On the flights home we spoke not a single word, and I remember looking over and seeing tears running down her face. I knew in that instant it was over, and I too started streaming. We still spoke not a word.
Months later it was Christmas, and I've always felt as though I was shitty about buying gifts, but this time I got it right.. the one and only time I got it right (usually I allowed her to purchase whatever she wanted). it was a piece of jewelry she loved, and she started crying. She thanked me, and told me she appreciated me. I again burst into tears too, as I knew this was it, the last we'd ever have together. I appreciated her so much, even despite the great distance that existed between us. I told her weeks later I wasn't happy (the hardest thing I ever had to do), and that I know she misses home, and that she misses her family. At one point we had planned to move over there, but by this point I knew my sister was going to pass soon of her terminal illness, and that no matter what I needed to stay here in the States to be there for my parents when it happens. She called her father, and he arranged the flight (he was an issue too).
She ended up leaving on March 23rd 2015, and the last time I ever saw her before leaving for work that morning I went to embrace her.. she pushed me away, and that was that. That is the memory she left me with, and it's something that haunted me for months to come. I also had numerous dreams after she left where we would be in her mother's farm house (600 year old house in Wales that is massive) where she would be calling my name. I would search every room frantically for her, and yet I could never find her. It wasn't as if she went home, but rather felt as if she had passed away. I can't accurately convey the trauma her departure left me with, but I can say I am at peace now having seen the progress she's made on herself. It was the right decision for both of us, and mostly I just want her to find happiness.
Sorry for the longwinded response, and sorry for derailing the thread with my serious shit. That was never my intention, but I appreciate those of you whom were genuinely interested.
Topic: Fat Chick Story Thread (Read 125153 times)